Dr. Pinkhatten - The pinaqule of pink party ponie problems

by TheSexyMenhir

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Pinkie Pie, Twilight Sparkle, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 5806

When Pinkie ascends to Godhood her friends strugle to keep the pink party ponie in line.

I've described how the events unfolded time and time again; I spoke of celestial choirs, of rays of light descending from above, of the whole world holding it's breath for a moment before hailing her coming. I described how the earth split asunder, the fire from the depths encircling her, as if she was some kind of demon. I've spun metaphors, similes and onomatopoeia all to describe that reality shattering moment. It was all a lie. The truth is, when she ascended to godhood, the only sound that could be heard was a faint "poof".

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Pinkie turns into an Alicorn an hijinks ensue. May contain, the perfect cupcake, mental breakdowns, self degrading humor, and the biggest party known to Ponykind.

Published 2012-12-03 12:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-12 22:51:18 UTC

Baked goods and other plot devices

Dr. Pinkhatten
Ch.01 “Baked goods and other plot devices”

I have lived many years, and in all those years I have told this story countless times, but only now I have the strength to make this confession: I lied. Not a big lie, mind you, but a small one, negligible you might call it; yet to this day it haunts me and I have no choice but to come clean.

I've described how the events unfolded time and time again; I spoke of celestial choirs, of rays of light descending from above, of the whole world holding it's breath for a moment before hailing her coming. I described how the earth split asunder, the fire from the depths encircling her, as if she was some kind of demon. I've spun metaphors, similes and onomatopoeia all to describe that reality shattering moment. It was all a lie. The truth is, when she ascended to godhood, the only sound that could be heard was a faint "poof".

It happened on a late winter evening. It should have been too late for snow, but an overworked weather-pony and a misplaced zero had provided Ponyville with an abundance of snow, so all of Ponyville was covered under a thick white blanket.

The snowfall had stopped for now; left behind was a place that barely resembled the Ponyville I had come to know. The usually bright and colorful village was only illuminated by moonshine - and for a short while everything turned into monochrome: white snow and the dark night sky; whitewashed walls and dark windows. It was beautiful - if a bit eery.

At the time, of course, I didn't have any admiration for the scenery around me. For the nth time that evening I wondered which fit of insanity had motivated me to plow through the nearly head high snow. It took me a while to remind myself that this particular fit of insanity also happened to be one of my best friends.

The scroll had arrived just as I was ready to relax, a mug of tea and one or two selected books at my side. I didn't question how Pinkie had accessed Spike's dragonfire-communication when only Princes Celestia and a few other distinguished people had the necessary knowledge to do so. If I had learned anything about the pink party mare, then it was not to question her; that way lay only madness.

The message had been short and clear:"Meet me at Sugarcube Corner if you want to be part of the next step in confectionery evolution." (Okay her exact words were:" I baked the the super duper bestest cupcake of all times. Wanna come over and eat it together?")

Normally I would have been quick to ignore the message, but for some reason I had to think of the parasprite plague from a few months prior and suddenly I had been determined not to ignore my friend again. The fact that she promised free baked goods might have played a minor part in it as well.

While I had been busy retracing my reasoning, Sugarcube Corner had come into view. It's radiant colors were a stark contrast to the otherwise nearly "noir" feeling of the snow covered city.

It was a real gingerbread house.

The gingerbread style had been in vogue during the year 870 of Celestia's Reign, and for a short time you couldn't go anywhere without stumbling across sugarcoated shingles, caramel cushions, or candy cane doorknobs. But only very few could afford a real gingerbread house, and even fewer had the foresight to maintain it. All this made Sugarcube Corner into an architectural marvel held together by love, care, a hint of magic, and enough preservatives to instantly mummify anyone foolish enough to nibble on the facade.

Wearily I approached the door. By then the snow had soaked through my winter clothing and I was freezing.

The showroom was dark, not surprising at the late hour, and when I peered through the window I could only make out a faint glow from the kitchen.

I knocked, impatient for a chance to warm up and get out of my wet clothes.

The house remained silent. If someone had heard me, they were ignoring me.

I knocked again, this time with a little more vigor since my patience was running pretty thin by then. Surprised I watched the door swing inwards.

I peered into the showroom, gently illuminating the empty bakery with my horn. I felt a knot forming in my stomach as I scanned the room for any irregularities."No, no, you know what happens when you overreact." I tried to calm myself, my mind already drawing horror scenarios of horrible monsters from the Everfree Forest or demented cake burglars.

I nearly screamed when a sudden clatter could be heard from the kitchen. Slowly I crept towards the back room, frantically trying to remember those self defense spells my brother had taught me.

Hoof by hoof I drew closer to the door. Ten paces, five paces, three, two. Only the hoof that was jammed into my mouth prevented me from screaming like a little filly, when a voice whispered directly into my ear:"Pssst!"

It took me several seconds to recognize the bright pink fur that was the trademark of the Element of Laughter. With the hoof still occupying my oral capacities, I only managed to raise an eyebrow, looking at my friend. The normally hyperactive pony silently waved for me to follow her before trotting into the kitchen. Since her hoof was still stuck in my muzzle I obliged.

The kitchen had been turned into a battlefield. Broken eggs as well as half emptied bags of flour and sugar lay all about. One counter was completely occupied by bowls, filled with frosting of different colors and presumably taste. The floor was littered with a heaps of flour and an assortment of hastily written recipes.

Pinkie ignored the mess all around us following the single safe trail through the chaos towards a silver plate with a matching cover over it.

With a showy gesture, the likes of which I usually associated with Rarity, she lifted the cover revealing a cupcake.

"So, what do you think? Isn't this the bestest cupcake ever?" Pinkie asked, still unnaturally quiet as if she feared that the cupcake would implode upon being exposed to loud noise.

When I failed to answer she removed her hoof from my mouth, giving me a chance to reply:"I don't know, it looks like a normal cupca...." I had given the cupcake a second, more thorough look while speaking. Suddenly it hit me. This wasn't just "a cupcake" neither was it "the cupcake" it was simple "cupcake". It felt like someone had captured the quintessence of everything cupcake, like someone had taken a universe and then removed everything unrelated to cupcakes, like the gestalt entity of cupcakes all around Equestria. Never had I seen such perfection.

"So do you want the left or the right half?" the pink party pony chimed, and before I could stop her she had chopped this piece of art into half. I could feel a small piece of my soul die. The very fabric of the universe around me seemed to weep over the loss of this piece of perfection.

"Grmfgl!" I managed to say, still shaken by the sacrilege I had just witnessed.

"I can have both? Thanks Twilight, you are the bestest friend one could ever hope for." and with that exclamation she gobbled both halves down.

I was only seconds away from strangling the life out of my friend. Thankfully I was spared the ordeal of having to find out, how to strangle somepony with hooves, because suddenly "poof".

The world around me disappeared into a white cloud, that strangely enough smelled of cinnamon and bananas. When the smoke had cleared, I found myself sharing the room with an alicorn that looked remarkably like Pinkie Pie.

The magic tricks of Pinkamena Pie

Dr.Pinkhatten
Ch.02 "The magic tricks of Pinkamena Pie"

Frantically I paced up and down between the now empty plate and an oven.
“Okay Twilight, calm down. There has to be a perfectly good explanation why Pinkie suddenly turned into an alicorn.” I muttered to myself.

Pinkie raised her hoof: “Here, take me, I know the answer!”

My expression was blank as I replied: “Pinkie” in my best imitation of a school teacher.

“The cupcake was so super duper delicious that it turned me into a alicorn.” she exclaimed proudly.

“Okay let me rephrase that: There has to be a perfectly good explanation THAT ISN’T TOTALLY INSANE!” I was practically screaming as I uttered the last words. The logical part of me knew, that there was actually a lot speaking for Pinkie’s theorie, but the rest of me wasn’t ready to accept baked goods as the key to immortality.

Luckily Pinkie was too busy, marveling at her new found wings, to notice my little mental breakdown.

Slowly the gravity of the situation found it’s way into my still shellshocked brain. Pinkie was a living goddess now and there was no way that would have no consequences. What effect would Pinkie have on politics, society and economy? Was Pinkie a princess now? My mind raced as I tried to figure out what to do now.

Pinkie apparently had other priorities. “Do you know what that calls for?” she asked.

I stared at her, disbelief clearly visible on my face. With all that was going on she couldn’t possibly thinking of throwing ….

“A PARTY!” the pink alicorn yelled.

In all the time I knew Pinkie, I had not once believed that Pinkie was dumb; eccentric maybe, easily distracted maybe, but this was the first time that I actually doubted her mental capacities.

“NO!” I yelled “We need to tell Princess Celestia about this.”

“Good thinking. We’ll throw a Pinkie-has-grown-wings-and-a-horn-party and invite the princes, it will be an ultra super duper alicorn party.” the pink party pony explained while bouncing through the messy kitchen.

Angrily I stomped a hoof on the ground ”NO! There will be no party!” I hadn’t intended for my voice to sound as sharp as it did, but my patience was running low at this point.

A chill ran down my spine as all around me the room suddenly transformed. Formerly uninteresting corners suddenly became shadowy hiding spots, full with the promise of monsters; the ovens warm light pulsed in an almost organic fashion and wasn’t that a otherworldly heartbeat I heard? My adrenaline enhanced senses chose that moment to inform me of the various knives that were strewn around the kitchen and just how sharp they were looking; how easily would they cut through …. all sorts of materials. My flanks were sweat drenched but my breath made small clouds in front of my muzzle.

Terror stricken I looked at my friend. The normally euphoric mare looked desolate. Her head hang low, seemingly dragged to the ground by her atypical straight hair.

“...I...I... m..mean, we can’t have an alicorn party without inviting Luna as well:” I managed to stutter.

Instantly the pink party pony perked up, her hair poofing back into it’s lack of form; the kitchen followed suit. Nothing remained of the vision of horror I had witnessed just seconds ago.

“Of course! You’re right Twilight. No wonder they call you the smartest unicorn around.”

Still startled from the experience I only managed to nod. I watched as Pinkie began bouncing around the kitchen cleaning the old mess and preparing everything for a new one. The preparations for the welcoming party of a goddess were underhand. And what a goddess that would be.

Pinkie’s relationship with the laws of physics could be best described as mutual ignorance. Pinkie didn’t think too much about them and in turn they didn’t pay attention to her either. Personally I think that they did so because they wanted to avoid the headache, that I came to associate with telling Pinkie Pie that something was impossible.

But even for Pinkie the scene that presented itself to me in the kitchen had reached whole new levels of surrealism: About two dozen hoof sized copies of my pink friend were occupying the counters and tables of the kitchen. They prepared muffins, cakes and every other sort of party food that you could think of. Meanwhile the original bounced around, levitating half a dozen (bakers dozen as she insisted) kitchen utensils, that were too heavy for her little helpers. She waved her pink glowing horn around as if it were a conducting baton while humming a tune.
That of all the songs she had chosen “The Sorcerer’s Apprentice” didn’t exactly fill me with confidence.

“Pinkie how are you doing this?” I asked, my fears temporarily forgotten in the face of this magical miracle.

I was expecting one of her usual non-answers:”I don’t know.” or “I just do.” and so it took me by surprise when she said: “Silly filly, that’s easy. Here, let me show you how it’s done.”

Surprised I looked around the room trying to locate the source of the cheerful music that suddenly filled the air. But the tune seemed to come from nowhere and so I focused back on my friend, eager to harness... I mean learn.... the secret of her magical powers.

“All you have to do is take a cup of flour!

Add it to the mix!

Now just take a little something sweet.....”

“No!” I interrupted the musical number that was just about to unfold: “I was talking about the magic. How can you control all this...” I made a vague gesture including the whole kitchen “... without ever having performed any magic.”

“Who says that i never performed magic?” Pinkie replied, making a face as if I had just hurt her feelings.

While I wasn’t panicking anymore I could feel a migraine forming: ”Pinkie you are.... were an earth pony. Earth ponies can’t use magic.”

“Don’t be silly Twilight, of course they can. Here I’ll show you.” she happily replied, while rummaging through one of the kitchens cupboards. To say that I was intrigued by the idea of earth pony magic would be an understatement. Was that how Pinkie performed her seemingly impossible feats? This could revolutionize the whole concept of magic.

With a wide grin Pinkie turned towards me, a deck of fanned out, face down cards in her hoofs: “Draw one card, any card.”

My face went blank. “Excuse me.” I said in a toneless voice before trotting out the backdoor. After five minutes, filled with inarticulate screaming, I returned inside. In front of the door was a perfectly round circle of melted snow.

While I cleaned the grime out of my fur, I said: “I’ll head back home for the night. I need to write the invitation for the princesses. I hope you understand that you’ll have to stay in the bakery until the party?”

“Of course, otherwise it wouldn’t be a surprise party.” she replied. I let out a defeated sigh. Well whatever works.

I donned my winter clothes and made my way out the door. A soul piercing shriek could be heard from inside the bakery. I sighed again. I had forgotten about the Cakes.

Breakfast, subtle hints and a countdown

Dr.Pinkhatten
Ch.03 “Breakfast, subtle hints, and a countdown”

After convincing the Cakes that Pinkie wouldn’t overthrow Celestia and bring about eternal night, I swore both of them to secrecy. If even the Cakes, who were nearly like foster parents for Pinkie, reacted like this, I didn’t dare to imagine what the general populace would do when they heard of Pinkie’s transformation.

When I finally reached my home, the Ponyville library, I was exhausted, both mentally and physically. I opened the door only to greeted by the snoring of my number one assistant. The little purple dragon had apparently awaited my return but eventually lost the fight against sleep. I couldn’t help but smile at this proof of his affection for me.

Careful not to wake him, I levitated his prone form up the stairs and tuckered him in; alicorn or no alicorn, that could wait until tomorrow morning.

I was awoken by the sun shining through my window. Instantly I regretted the choice of last night. Panic, my old companion, was back, now armed with ridiculous visions of “Nightmare Pie”, courtesy of my troubled subconscious, which had been kind enough to riddle my sleep with nightmares . Just what had I been thinking, leaving Pinkie alone? I shot out of my bed and raced over to Spikes basket. Empty?

Had he been dragonnapped? Was I already too late? Had the reign of Nightmare Pie begun? Quickly I sprinted out of the bedroom and down the stairs.

My panic induced burst of speed came to a sudden and ungraceful stop. Pinkie and Spike were sitting at the dinner table enjoying their breakfast.

“Pinkie?” I asked dumbfounded.

“Good morning Twilight.” the pink alicorn answered.

“Morning Twi.” Spike added.

I stared at them slack jawed. “Aw buck it.” I thought to myself, drawing up another chair and joining in on the breakfast. I simply didn’t have it in me anymore to be surprised.

“Did anyone see you on the way here?” I asked.

“I teleported.” she replied. Ah yes of course, she had overnight mastered a skill that took me years to learn, why not? I grunted and drowned my face in a bowl of cereal.

The breakfast was surprisingly delightful: Pinkie conjured us a pot of coffee and some bagels out of thin air (and some Gems for Spike), and for a few moments we just talked about normal stuff (at least normal by Pinkie’s standards). I made a point of not staring at Pinkie’s wings or her horn, to preserve the illusion of normality for a few moments longer.

Sadly Spike shattered the dream after a few minutes, asking: “So.... should I inform the princess about this?” he pointed in Pinkies general direction.

“Yes, we’re going to throw a big alicorn party.” Pinkie happily explained.

Spike raised an eyebrow and asked: “A party? Do you really think that’s....”

“...enough? Of course it is. Princess Celestia isn’t like those Canterlot snobs, she’ll enjoy a good old fashioned Ponyville-party.” I quickly interjected, shoving my hoof into Spikes mouth.

Spike shot me an incredulous look, which I answered with utmost subtlety: “DON’T. YOU. THINK. SO. SPIKE?” Each of my words was accompanied by a short kick against his shins.

“I... uhh... yes?” he answered, rubbing his mistreated appendage.

“So you really should go and write those “invitations”, shouldn’t you?” I could barely stop myself from shouting.

Spike scampered off to find a quill and some parchment, and I gave Pinkie a big sincere smile (the twitching eyelid and messy mane only dampened the effect slightly).

Unbeknown to me, while I tried to distract Pinkie, elsewhere the seeds of chaos were sown.

Octavia stared at the pint sized pink alicorn on her doorstep. The bouncing mini-alicorn was wearing a mail mare uniform and was carrying a card, about the same size as herself. Octavia rubbed her eyes.
“Vinyl, it’s for you!” she shouted into the apartment. When she turned around again, the likeness of the Element of Laughter had disappeared. The card she had carried remained:

“Pinkie’s fantastic alicorn Party

Come as you are

When? Today at eight pm

Where? Sugarcube Corner - Ponyville

bring your friends”

Octavia looked around the corridor, only to see a large mailbag, filled to the brim with invitations, disappear down the stairs."

Back at the library, Pinkie was currently explaining the finer points of party-cannon engineering to me. By which I mean, she was writing illegible scribbles on a blackboard and I stared blankly into space, while her voice verbally assaulted my ears.

“.... and that’s how Equestria was made.” she finished her lecture.

“Huh...” I snapped backed to reality. Pinkie was eyeing me expectantly. “Uhm... Yeah... exactly what I thought as well.” If in doubt just nod and smile.

“Great, but where do we find so many flamingos?” she chimed happily.

“That.... could be a problem.” I said, trying to review the last few minutes in my brain, but any sort of context seemed to elude me.

Luckily Pinkie didn’t seem to notice my confusion: ”Well, we just have to use normal streamers then.” She rubbed her chin as if she were deep in thought: “Streamers, cake, punch, music, invitations, the party cannons are set up.... I think we got everything.”

“What? How? When?” I asked. Sure, I had been out of it for a moment, but not nearly long enough to finish with the party preparations.

“I send out the mini-me’s to do all the work.” Pinkie happily explained.

“The what now?” I questioned.

The pink party mare let out a chuckle: “The mini-me’s, silly.”

Yeah, sure, that explained everything. “Pinkie, I have positively no Idea what you’re talking about.” I said, once again finding my patience running low.

Before Pinkie had a chance to further elaborate, Spike stumbled into the room. He had the queasy look, that he always got after receiving scrolls from Celestia, on his face. “*burp* urgh... here’s your reply from the princess.”

He handed the piece of parchment over. I sighed in relief; now everything would get sorted out. I quickly scanned the contents of the scroll, mumbling to myself:” My dear student.... received message.... soon as possible.... midnight..... WAIT WHAT?.” I reread the particular sentence again. There it stood, black on white, Celestia wouldn’t arrive in Ponyville before midnight.

“Pinkie when did you say your Party started?” I inquired from my friend.

“Around eight, why?” Pinkie replied.

“Ponyfeathers....”

The Eggheads Guide to Allicorns

Dr.Pinkhatten
Ch.04 “The Eggheads Guide to Alicorns”

After we finished our breakfast Pinkie teleported back to Sugarcube corner. Apparently ascension to godhood was no excuse to not appear for work in the Cakes’ book. I just hoped that nopony would stumble into the kitchen while Pinkie was there.

On the upside however I was finally alone, only my trusty number one assistant at my side. It was time to do some research.

“Spike!” I bellowed. He gave a quick salute, as soon as he recognized my “there’s science to be done”-voice.

“I’ll need the “Equestrian-Encyclopedia”, the “Beginners Guide to transformation magic”, Starswirl’s “Theocracy” and “Baking muffins for eggheads”.” I dictated.

“I got you Twilight.” He replied eagerly. Spike had been my assistant for a long time, and he knew that there was no arguing with me when I was “in the zone” as Rarity would have called it.

“Oh and bring me Celestia’s autobiography.” I added before Spike could run off.

His eyes shot wide open. ” All sixty volumes of it?” he asked seemingly not trusting his ears.

“Of course, we can’t afford to miss anything.” I replied. The little dragon groaned.

Soon I was surrounded by large towers of books on all sides. My quest of understanding alicorns had lead me through all of Equestria’s history, from the classical era, to the founding of equestria and even to the time before Discords Reign. My findings didn’t exactly put me in a happy mood.

The accounts of alicorn sightings were numerous, and if even half of them were true, Canterlot castle would need rebuilding, to house all the long lost sisters, distant relatives, and illegitimate children of Celestia. Some tabloid magazines even suggested that I, myself, was Celestia’s daughter. It was like every two-bit author felt the need to write a story about a normal pony becoming a alicorn......

After I drafted through all the myths, hearsays and embellished stories, it quickly became clear, how little we actually knew about this race of powerful beings. Celestia’s biography had proven to be a dead end, since it focussed on politics, culture and the princess' relationship with various historic figures. The few parts that actually mentioned her or Luna’s origin, or the extent of their powers, were mostly retellings of popular equestrian stories, like the banishment of Nightmare Moon. Now that I thought about it, Celestia always did dodge my questions about her birth or upbringing. For all i knew she could have just appeared from thin air. What was even more shocking was, that the same applied to my foalsitter Princess Cadence. She had always seemed so accessible, yet I knew next to nothing about her family.

In the end I could only find three pieces of Information that were both reliable and matched my personal experience:

Alicorns are powerful. - This one was a real no-brainer.

Alicorns are immortal. - Gee, and I thought Celestia lived a thousand years because of regular exercise …

Alicorns affect the world around them just by existing. - Huh? That one was new....

Once I again I sifted through the small collection of yellowed notes, that revealed this last tidbit of wisdom. Normally I wouldn’t even have paid attention to them, but my search had resulted in only the most basic information so far, and I was grasping for straws by now.

As it turned out, a student of Celestia’s School for gifted Unicorns had made alicorns the subject of his dissertation. He focused on something he called “empathic projection". According to his theorie, alicorns constantly discharge a small amount of magic. When an alicorn has a strong emotional reaction, this ambient magic manifest in small environmental effects.

Immediately I had to think of, Luna’s appearance during Nightmare Night. So far I had chalked the dramatic lightning, that had followed her around, up to an overgrown flair for drama. It also explained my rather recent run in with Pinkie’s vision of terror. I shuddered as I tried to imagine the feeling that had caused this particular vision. After all this had blown over I really needed to talk to Pinkie.

Sadly the study was lacking any conclusive data. Apparently Princess Celestia, hadn’t been to keen on being hooked up to measuring equipment (I could confirm this: this one time that I had tried to measure my mentors brain activity during her sleep, had nearly resulted in my banishment to the moon - some people are just so uncooperative when it comes to science).

Even worse, time had faded the authors name beyond recognition, allowing for no cross referencing, and as far as I remembered there was no other mention of “empathic projection” in any book I had read (and I had read a lot of books).

I glanced at the clock: two hours left until Pinkie’s party and I still had no idea, how to either hide Pinkie’s transformation, or how to keep Pinkie away from the party, without causing another Terror-vision. The last time only I was caught in it’s effect, but what would happen if a huge crowd suddenly found itself trapped in a realm of horror.

Fanatically I returned to my research, there had to be something I missed, some way to return Pinkie back to normal. A new thought suddenly entered my brain. What if Pinkie didn’t want to return to normal? I mean putting all the weirdness aside, who wouldn’t want to be immortal and all powerful? Sometimes I had thought about what it would be like, myself.

Was that why I had such a hard time accepting the change? Was I just envious of Pinkie’s new found godhood? Maybe I was overreacting and their was no real reason to hide Pinkie away?

Spike suddenly burst into the room, breathing heavily.. “Twilight! I think you might want to see this.” he muttered before pushing me towards the front door.

“Can’t this wait? I think I finally found something useful.” I asked irritatedly. If there was one thing I hated, it was being interrupted during my research.

Spike looked at me pleadingly: “No, I really don’t think it can wait.”

I grunted something along the lines of “drama queen”, but made my way to the door anyway.

I opened the door, expecting to see some sort of minor disruption.

Ponyville had exploded.

Tap-dancing

Dr.Pinkhatten
Ch.05 "Tap-dancing"

Ponyville had exploded. That was the only explanation that I could come up with, to explain the massive changes that had occurred all around me. Some time ago Pinkie had mentioned that she considered upgrading her Party-cannon to a “Party-Nuke”, I had no idea what that meant but seeing the state Ponyville was in I could make an educated guess.

A carnival had spontaneous broke out, streamers and balloons adorned every available surface and confetti showers rained down on the crowd that filled the streets. I had never seen so many Ponies in one place before, even Canterlot seemed deserted compared to the masses that flooded Ponyville’s streets. Whatever snow had been around, had soon surrendered to the onslaught of trampling hoofs. Everyone was laughing, drinking and generally enjoying themselves.

Now that I think about it, it’s rather strange that the biggest scare that I ever got in my life, wasn’t caused by some sort of enraged demigod - the likes of which I met with disturbing frequency- but by a crowd of ponies having fun.

In the distance I could spot Sugarcube corner. The humble bakery had transformed into some sort of Candy-Cane-Castle. Not hard to guess where I would find Pinkie.

My horn lit up, unimaginable power coalescing inside of it, as my mind reached out for the boundaries of time and Space, trying to tear the fragile veil of reality asunder; in short, I tried to teleport. A soft pain at the base of my horn informed me that teleportation was out of the question. Of course. Looks like I was hoofslogging it.

I shot my number one assistant a glance: “Spike, giddyup, we've got a party to crash.”

Spike on my back, I darted out of the library. Instantly my brain was attacked by the noise and bright colours. Confused I tried to make my way through the partying masses. Hastily I dodged an outstretched leg, a grey stallion offered trying to motivate me to dance. My hoofs practically tap-danced across the asphalt, as I maneuvered my way through the crowd. Left, right, avoid the drunk, right again. A mare grabbed me, swinging me around with a big grin on her face. After a few rotations I loosened her grip, sending both of us pirouetting away from each other. Another mare caught me, holding me tight in her front leg and giving me a suggestive looks. Quickly I scrambled to my feet, making sure that Spike was still holding on, before running of. The mare, obviously not one to be discouraged quickly, was directly behind me.

I looked around, searching for a way to lose my enamoured pursuer. There! I increased my speed, heading directly for a row of parade floats. Using an unsuspecting stallions back as stepping stone, I rocketed myself onto the first float, a flowery decorated stage on wheels. Quickly I dived between the burlesquely dressed dancers, heading for the back of the cart.

Another quick leap and I was caught in Celestia's embrace. Too bad that the 15 feet high plaster replica wasn’t as sure footed as the original. Slowly the statue began to tilt. While I charged up the falling figure of my mentor, I took a moment to reflect on the fact that I was seriously getting used to those kind of hijinks. Just as I reached the head, I jumped. If I just reached the roof of the house in front of me, I could jump from housetop to housetop. I shot through the air, time slowing to a crawl. I would make it, I wouldn’t make it, I would make it, I wouldn’t make it, I WOULD MAKE IT. “Wait, aren’t most of Ponyville’s roofs thatched?” I just managed to think before crashing straight through the roof.

“Well that could have gone better.” I muttered stumbling out of the bed that I had landed on.

“Maybe you’ll leave the stunts to Rainbow Dash in the future.” Spike groaned, still latched tightly to my back.

I ignored him, opening the front door and leaving. Luckily enough my little stunt seemed to have discouraged my pursuer. I dived into the crowed again, this time a little slower. It was important that I reached Pinkie as soon as possible, and another wild chase was the last thing I wanted. Yes, this time there would be no distra....

Before I could even finish the thought I was swapped up by a passing conga line. Held in place by the iron grip of the pony behind me, I had no choice but to dance along. Three steps forward, one step back, three steps forward, one step back. Even I with my admittedly sub par dancing skills was able to keep up with the simple pattern.

By Celestia’s unshorn fetlocks! I was getting distracted again. Eyes forward Twilight Sparkle. In front of my eyes was the swaying orange backside of a mare. Okay, maybe “eyes forward” wasn’t the best idea if I wanted to concentrate.

Wait. I knew this backside.

The cutie mark was the right one, but that didn’t mean anything, a lot of people had the same cutie mark. Analytically I scanned the rump in front of me. The shape seemed all right, the colour was a definite match as well, and the way it moved seemed to be in accordance with my prior investigations as well, but was the elasticity right?

“Spike, I need my calliper.” I said to my assistant.

I could practically hear the confused expression, he probably had on his face, while he asked: “What would you need your calliper for right now?”

“I need to check the thickness of the sub dermal fat layer of the rump in front of me...” I replied.

“Excuse me?” Applejack said, looking at me over her shoulder.

“Never mind.” I said to Spike before turning back to the now identified mare. I gave her my most innocent grin, trying to cover the near social faux pas: “Fancy meeting you here Applejack.”

“Now wait a minute, what was that nonsense about ya measuring my backside? Are ya calling me fat?” she drawled with her heavy southern accent.

“That is a very good question and I would just love to explain everything to you, but we have more important things to do. Have you seen Pinkie?” Once again my mastery over the art of subtlety allowed me to change the topic and avoiding further public humiliation.

“Pinkie? Now that ya mention it, it’s mighty strange that she ain’t here. Normally she wouldn’t miss a party like this for her life.” The apple farmer replied “Is something wrong with her?” She asked.

I sighed: “Oh you got no Idea.”