The guidelines of shame

by TotaldramaJ

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Random, Crossover
Length: 1048

I was drunk when i wrote this.

It was the opinion of the princess of the sun that, as a deterrent to objectionable behavior, a little public humiliation went a long way. Of course, she couldn't call it that. Instead, she called them gentle reminders of what was not acceptable and displayed each person's wrongdoing for all Equestria to see. After all, if one person made the mistake of eating in a meeting and she publicly reprimanded them, others would surely realize they shouldn't do it either.

This led to the creation of a list of guidelines, posted in each city and updated once a day. Early in the morning, a lone pony would make the rounds, tacking up that day's additions to the ever growing list.

Ironically, this was less of a deterrent and more of a source of amusement and gossip. Each morning, the first thing many pony did was check the bulletin board for updates.

Some even took it as a challenge and had a bet going to see who could get the most outlandish, extravagant, downright absurd rule about themselves posted without getting in any real trouble.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-03 14:22:45 UTC

Day 1

Day one.

Pinkie Pie - Stop spiking my tea. I assure you, I do not need to "loosen up".

Luna - While we have all, at one time or another, had a song stuck in our heads, your propensity to hum "It's the End of the World as We Know It" while looking at a map of Equestria is starting to make some people nervous. Please consider a change of tune.

Shining armor - Glitter gel is not a part of the standard Guard uniform. Stop telling new recruits that it is.

Slendermane - Stop handcuffing yourself to Luna. I don't care if it was her idea or that you "lost the key". Nor do I care that she said you could.

Big Macintosh - Control your fanclub. Enough is enough.

Applejack - Letting you brother  fanclub into his room was a cruel, heartless thing to do.

Nurse Redheart  - Please stop nailing gruesome diagrams labeled "What Happens When Stalion Miss Their Prostate Exams" on people's doors. Think of the foal.

Rainbow Dash - Tying your friend's sister up, rolling her up in a carpet, putting her in a safe, wrapping it in chains and padlocking it is not an appropriate way of babysitting.

Twilight Sparkle - Roleplay is to be done on your own time, and in private. There are certain things we never want to see

Spike - The pony of Canterlot does not have "stick-in-flank-itis". Please stop sending  me false requests  for emergency assistance on  the behalf of Equestria.

Slendermane - You and Big Macintosh have both been warned. You are not to pose for nude pictures, whether they are photos or hand drawn. Equestria has a reputation to uphold. You will also be paying for the time and money spent to acquire and burn each and every copy of the  swimsuit calender, the yaoi calender and the "luv bunney" calender.

Slendermane - Stop sneaking back into the castle for secret rendezvous with Luna. I don't care that she need her "Slender-bunny Sexy Fun Time". If you are seen, you will be executed.

Luna- WHAT ! What do you mean that you two are getting married ? I know that this will improve our relationship with Creepypasta Land but  it also shocking.

Rarity - Keep your yaoi collection to yourself. While the rest of the Equestria Mare's Association may enjoy it, Applejack has stated that the next time Applebloom brings home 'coltporn', she will personally kick the Flank of the entire EMA.

For All of Equestria.- A  unicorn may challenge another  to a duel at any time except when they are on duty. The duel must be a contest of physical prowess, cunning, and determination beating the hell out of each other with Firebolt!

A challenge of which one can perform the Kama Sutra more proficiently does not count as physical prowess.

Neither does cunning mean tricking your opponent into thinking he's a Changeling.

And determination does not mean seeing who's the better stalker.

If you see a skeletal wacko in a cloak and carrying a Scythe, run for it.

No one is allowed to give Slendermane kittens and tell him it's a  delicacy, no matter how funny it is to see him eat them.

This includes any cute cuddly animals, you people are sick.

Will whatever idiot decided to attract Darth Revans attention please send him back.

Binding spells  are not to be used for the purposes of bondage during wild sex.

Even in public.

ESPECIALLY in public.

Hosting the Holy Grail war in Ponyville, much less Equestria, is banned. Any attempts to start one after this mess, that hasn't finished yet, will have a suitable cruel and unusual punishment depending on who you are. As of this moment, hostilities between Servants and Masters are to cease. There are changeling  to deal with first.

All pets must be kept on a leash, Twilight Sparkle. Your servant Rider is classified as a monster. Since she is also your servant, that classifies her as your pet. You are the only one disagreeing with these statements, my student. Even your pet is agreeing and willing to obey this law with a smile.

To expand on the ' people currently living in Equestria and that you shall  not engage under any circumstances, especially not for shits and giggles' list, here are the top 10 individuals that you should DEFINITELY leave the alone:

-The Saint of Killers

-The Hitoshura

-Caim and Angelus

-Kratos

-Lu Bu

-Jonaleth Irenicus

-Lezard Valeth

-Raziel

-Any blue haired kid named Ryu - especially if he's an anorexic kid with goggles

-Dhaos

Should anyone engage any of the above, their funeral will NOT be paid by Equestria's administration

assuming that enough of them is left to fill a casket.

No one attempt to fight Majeh, emissary of hell whever he visits Equestria. THIS MEANS YOU LUNA!

I mean it Luna! Dont you dare try to break his seals again on him just to have a good fight!

Shit! Get to the underground bunkers! Lunai broke the seals again. We may have to rebuilt part of Equestria again after this incident.

Forbidden Battle Cries:

-SPOON!!

-Your mom!

-Leeroy Jenkins!!

-Surprise Buttsecks!

I'm a good boy!

Art is a bang, un!

For the harem!

The one with the highest kill count gets Big Macintosh to herself tonight!

Cry! Scream! And then, DIE!!

This is my story and you're not a part of it.

Screw you guys, I'm going home.

And anyone using the battle cry "Respect My Authority" shall be executed.

Keeping a Tarrasque as pet is forbidden. Especially since they aren't very obedient pets. And also because if a Tarrasque decides to destroy Equestria, there's really nobody outside of Fluttershy who can permanently stop it... assuming we can kill it in the first place.

No, Luna, we don't care if you think a Tarrasque is fun to spar with. You STILL can't have one as pet. Where would you put it anyway? They are all too damn big!.

"Kill it with fire" is not the answer to a situation that has gone out of control. Yes, fire is an effective technique to stop the spread of disease, but when chased by a certain escaped secret experiment, the only thing that is worse is if it is also on fire.