Written In Derp

by RocketBrony

Rating: teen
Tags: Romance, Comedy, Random, Adventure
Length: 4415

Derpy writes a fanfic. She tried her best.

When Derpy gets inspired to write a fanfic, you best duck and cover. Things go wrong at a rapid pace. Anarchy, war, violence, all thanks to a single wall-eyed pony. Can Doctor Whooves save the day, or will chaos reign? Meanwhile, reality itself is deteriorating rapidly. The Doctor will need some help other than Derpy this time around.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-11 19:53:27 UTC

The Inspiration

   A rainy summer's day has everypony stuck inside, including Derpy Hooves. Her flanks sat unmoving in her red chair. The chair was covered in muffin crumbs and stained with Celestia-knows-what. Her eyes trained on the screen of her laptop (which she was holding upside-down).

   "Wow! This story is awesome!" she exclaimed. Doctor Whooves lifted his head up from the daily paper to see what all the fuss was about. He happily walked over and turned the laptop rightside-up for his goofy partner. "Oh, I get it now! Eh, the story's not that good anymore." She set her laptop down on a table to her left that wasn't there in first place. The laptop proceeded to fall and break on the floor. Derpy looked down to the shattered laptop. "I just don't know what went wrong!"

   Her catchphrase echoed through the room. She blushed, embarrassed that she had done something stupid (yet again) in front of the Doctor. She had had a crush on him for a while but never had the gall to ask him out on a date. Unbeknownst to her, he felt the same way and was having the same problem.

   "It's fine, I'll clean it up later." he said in a heavy Trottingham accent, as it was his hometown before he moved to Ponyville. She knew it wasn't "fine". After all, it was his laptop.

   "I-I'll get you another one?" she half asked, half stated.

   "No, really, it's fine. At least it wasn't my Sonic Screwdriver." he pointed a hoof at the hutch at the back wall. On top was a small, cylindrical tube-looking object. It was almost all chrome except for the top, which had a small blue diode that lit up. Derpy knew not to go anywhere near it unless told to do so.

   "Okay." she said solemnly. There was a long silence between the two. "Ugh, when is this rain going to end?" she asked.

   "Probably when the lake fills back up. We've been in a drought for a few days, we need some rain."

   Derpy groaned and sank low into her chair. "Can't even go get more muffins." she grumbled. She looked down at the laptop and thought for a few moments.

   "I'VE GOT AN IDEA!" she yelled.

   "What is it?"

   "I'll write my own fanfic!"

   The Doctor put down his newspaper and stared at Derpy, surprised by the words that just protruded from her mouth. "Erm, what's it going to be about?" he asked nervously, as if he were asking a kidnapper what type of torture would be done to him.

   "Uhhhh... OOH! I know! It can be about our adventures together! We've had quite a few, y'know." said Derpy.

   "Um, but you don't even have a laptop anymore! Oh, well. Looks like it can't be done. Too bad!" he said, trying as hard as he could to keep her from writing this fanfic.

   "I'll write it on paper for now and give it to Twilight when I'm done!"

   "Oh, she's good." thought Doctor Whooves. "Great idea!" he said through clenched teeth. "Excuse me, but I've gotta go to the bathroom."

   He fast walked into the bathroom and locked the door behind him.

   "What are you going to do!? She's going to write that monstrosity and you're just going to let her!? What kind of twisted stallion are you!?" he said to himself. "But, I don't want to hurt her feelings! She's too nice! Think, Doctor, THINK!"

   "I'M DONE!" yelled Derpy from the living room.

   "Oh, no."

The Plan

   Everything was happening so fast for Doctor Whooves, he could barely stand on four legs.

   "Things are going BAD!" he said to himself. "How are you going to get out of this one, Doc? Oh, come on! You've fought intergalactic monsters for Celestia's sake! You can handle your woman! Well, she's not MY woman--" he slapped himself. "That's not important, fool! Right, right. Calm. Think. Think! I'VE GOT IT! It's still raining outside and Derpy wouldn't want her novel to get wet, so I have a window of opportunity to destroy it while it's still here! Gosh, WHY do I keep talking to myself?"

   "Doc? You wanna come out and read it?"

   "Oh, she's making this too easy." he whispered deviously. "Coming Derpy!"

   When he arrived in the living room a pile of about fifty pages (plus author's notes) sat on the table.

   "Well go on! Read it!" commanded Derpy.

   "Alright." he said. He smirked devilishly as he turned away from her and began to read the title page. "Okay, think. How do I dispose of it?" he thought. His eyes darted around the room, looking for a believable mode of destruction. Window. "No. Too far-fetched." Ceiling fan. "How would I even get it up there? And there's no guarantee it will shred all of the pages." Fireplace.

   "Perfect." he said aloud.

   "What is?"

   "Oh, erm... the title, it's great." he said (although he hadn't even read the title). "Now or never, Doc." he thought.

   He did an unconvincing trip, sending the papers flying into the small blaze.

   "Oh, nooo!" he said monotonously "I'm so sorry!"

   "Oh, my gosh! Are you okay?" said Derpy with a frightening level of urgency.

   "Did she really buy it?" he thought. "Yeah, I'm fine. I truly wish I could say the same for your novel." he said.

   "Oh, don't worry about that. You don't have any bruises? Scrapes?" she said, patting him down like a cop to a suspected drug dealer.

   "No, nothing. Wait, did you just ask if I was okay before checking the book?"

   "Yeah. Why wouldn't I? I love..." she stopped herself. Doctor Whooves stood waiting. "... To help my friends! Yeah, I love helping!" she said raising a hoof in the air. She blushed heavily.

   "Oh, okay. But what about your book?"

   "Oh, it's cool."

   "Erm, I don't think it is. Your entire novel just went up in flames. Literally."

   "No, really. It's fine."

   "You sure?"

   "Yep! Totally fine."

   "Okay, as long as it's fine with you--"

   "Because I made a copy!" she said happily as she held up another copy of her fic. This one sat snugly in a binder with the title page on the front of the binder. "The Timey-Wimey Adventures of Doctor Whooves and Derpy".

   Doctor Whooves felt like he was going to pass out. He wobbled about until Derpy righted him.

   "Oh dear, Doc. You're looking pale, you okay?"

   "Yes, I'm... fine. I just need a lie down."

   "Do you need any tea?"

   "Although your tea is delicious, I will have to decline on your offer." (He wasn't lying this time. Derpy's tea is delicious!)

   "Oh, okay. Let me know if you need anything."

   "Thanks."

   "Oh, um, do wanna read the fic in bed?"

   Doc stopped in his tracks. "This could be your only chance to be rid of it!" he thought.

   "No thanks, Derpy. I'm good." he said as he walked on into his bedroom. He closed the door and immediately punched himself in the face.

   "FOOL! OF ALL THE STUPID THINGS!! WHY THE BUCK DIDN'T I TAKE THE OPPORTUNITY!?" he yelled. He facehoofed into bed. "Screw life. I'm staying here. I'm done with adventures and timey-wimey stuff and everyone, including...." he paused. "Derpy." He forced the name out of his mouth painfully. He nearly vomited at the thought of shutting her out of his mind. He couldn't bring himself to do that and he knew it.

   The rain outside slowly but surely died down as the pegasi weather team moved the clouds away.

   "YESSS! Doc, I'll be gone for a little bit. I have to go get this thing on FiMFiction!" yelled Derpy from the living room. He heard the door slam shut and saw Derpy flying as fast as she could toward Twilight Sparkle's library. He sank lower into his TARDIS blankets and groaned.

Beginning Of The End

   "It's all over now." said Doctor Whooves. His Tardis covers were pulled over his head and he was sobbing quietly. "You've really screwed the pooch this time, old man. This is all my fault! WHY DIDN'T I JUST TELL HER!?................ Whatever. It's too late now. It's going to be published and everyone is going to see it. They'll make fun of her now just like they've always done. *Sigh* Now to wait for the end."

   In the library, Twilight had just come back from the bathroom, fic in hand. A string of saliva and vomit dripped from her mouth.

   "Uggghhh." she said.

   "How was it?" said Derpy

   "Well, I threw up. I don't mean to offend, but this is the worst thing I've ever read."

   "Was it too boring?"

   "I don't think it was boring enough! Everything happened so fast and you didn't even use punctuation!"

   "Sorry."

   "And why did the Doctor say 'I hope senpai notices me today'?"

   "Hehe, my bad." she chuckled nervously.

   "Indeed! It is YOUR bad! YOU WANT ME TO PUBLISH THIS BALOGNA!?"

   "Yea, kinda. But hey, what have you got to lose? I have my own account I'll just publish it to mine."

   "What have I got to lose?" she asked through clenched teeth. "WHAT HAVE I GOT TO LOSE!? Actually, good point. How much will you pay me?"

   "Ummm..." she reached into her saddlebags and pulled out a few coins. "Will five bits do?"

   "Hmmm... alright. Terminal is in the back." she said pointing a hoof to a door in the back of the room.

   "DO-OOC!!! I'M HOME!!!" shouted Derpy.

   "I'm in my room." answered the Doctor.

   "You still don't feel good?"

   "No. Hey, does that offer on the tea still stand?"

   "Sure." she giggled.

   "Great. So how did it go?"

   "Fantastic. The entire thing is published."

   "I sure hope everypony enjoys it."

   "Yeah, me too. I think they will. It involves you, after all."

   "Aw, thanks. But really, they're not going to like it just because I'm in it."

   "Sure they will. Everypony loves you!"

   "Hmm. If you say so."

   "I do. Tea's ready!"

   The next morning at 6:00 AM, the whimsical tale had made its rounds in and out of the monitors of hundreds of ponies. Across town in a three bedroom apartment, a young stallion pegasus named Rocket was lying happily in bed. His room was a mess (like most bachelors' rooms). The bedside dresser had a large stereo, a lamp, an old telephone, and a pair of purple shutter shades. The floor was littered with vinyl records, ties, and multicolored thigh-high stockings. His phone rang loudly. He stirred and began reaching for his phone, eyes still closed. Instead, he found the "play" button on his stereo. "Party With Pinkie" played on the loudest volume. His bloodshot eyes sprung open as he scrambled for the stop button. He finally found it and wiped sweat from his forehead. He picked up the phone.

   "Hello?" he said warily. His voice was soft and soothing, with a hint of anger for being called so early in the morning.

   "Hello, Rocket. Did I wake you?" said a female voice with mock sympathy.

   "Ugh, what do you want now, Short Stack?" he said in the coldest voice he could conjure. Short Stack was a butterscotch-colored unicorn with a blonde mane. She worked at a coffee shop in Canterlot.

   "Oh, y'know, nothing much. Just your undying soul."

   "Funny. Somepony's been watching too much dark television. You can't STILL be all butthurt about the break-up."

   "Actually, I AM! But that's not why I'm calling."

   "Oh? Then what ARE you calling for?"

   "I just wanted to know if you had read your girlfriend's little story."

   "She's not my girlfriend! We knew each other back in Cloudsdayle and we never dated."

   "Whatever. Did you read it or not?"

   "No. But I know of it. How was it?"

   "I thought it was fine. I actually liked it a bit."

   After she said that, a loud whining sound could be heard.

   "What's that noise?" asked Rocket.

   "I-I don't know!" she stuttered. "What's happenning to me!?"

   "Are you okay!? What's going on!?"

   The whining sound got louder. A distorted scream was heard and a loud explosion followed. After that, nothing but dial tone.

   "Are you there?" asked Rocket in a panicky voice. No answer. "Hello?" Still no answer.

   He ran out the door of his bedroom into the kitchen downstairs and grabbed his saddlebags. One of his roommates, Reeses Cup, came out of her room rubbing her eyes. She was an orange pegasus with brown hair, who was almost always happy.

   "What's going on?"

   "I think something's happened to Short Stack."

   "Ugh. Your mean marefriend from, like, a few months ago?"

   "Yes. That one."

   "You're not going to go save her are you?"

   "I'm serious! She might be hurt!"

   "She hurt you when you dated so why should you help?"

   "I don't know. I'm just morally like that."

   "Do I have to go?"

   "If you want to."

   The other roommate, Wiiden, ran out of his room. The sounds of war could be heard inside. His jet black, messy hair bounced as he came out.

   "I heard you were going somewhere! Where ya going! I wanna go!" he said hastily. Wiiden was a young unicorn in his late teens. He was always playing video games. He had a ladies' colt attitude. He always flicked his hair back and spoke smoothly to the mares.

   "Uh, you can... go if you want." said Rocket hesitantly, playing with his striped blue and teal mane nervously. He knew he was going to regret bringing him. Now he's not going to shut up on the train about the new Call Of Cutie game (which Rocket still played, but he had more pressing matters to attend to).

   "YAY! I'll get my bags!" said Wiiden excitedly.

   "You coming Reeses?" asked Rocket.

   "Sure. I'd love to go to Canterlot with you. Too bad we have to leave before 7:00!"

   "Great, then it's settled. Road trip!"

   "DE TRAIN! DE TRAIN!" yelled Wiiden from his room.

Mysterious Mysteries

   The Doctor's phone blared a few moments later.

   "Whooves residence." said the Doctor sleepily. There was indistinct chatter on the other line, but the word "crime could clearly be heard. "Got it. On my way."

   He leapt out of bed, donned his bowtie, and grabbed his Sonic Screwdriver. He went to Derpy's room and woke her up gently. She slowly rose from her pillow and stretched. Her covers were embroidered with muffins and she was grasping a raggedy Smartypants doll tightly.

   "Uh, wha?" she mumbled.

   "Trouble in Canterlot. We gotta go."

   "Can't the guards handle it?"

   "It's OUR kind of trouble. The kind that cannot be comprehended by the uninformed. Get ready to go, we're catching the train."

   "Ugh. Alrighty."

   She quickly brushed her teeth and took a shower. After they got ready, they took one step out of the house and were instantly hit with a rush of extremely cold air. It was snowing!

   "Hey, Doc! It's snowing!" said Derpy happily.

   "In the summer? This can't be right." he said. "How can it be snowing in summer?"

   "Maybe the pegasi are issuing an early winter."

   He looked up and noticed the gale going on up in the clouds. "Something about those uncontrollable, swirling clouds tells me that isn't the case." He looked down at Derpy, who was making snow angels. "Come on!" he said as he grabbed her and began running to the train station.

   The two had arrived in Canterlot and were searching for the address the Doctor had been given. The train ride had been uneventful, other than Derpy accidentally knocking over a cart wheeling wine around. Berry Punch, another passenger, nearly broke into a fit at the loss of all of that wine, unfortunately, she was so inhebriated she passed out before a single tear was shed.

   They made it to the street corner where the address was.

   "The place should be right around the corner. Hopefully we got here before the authorities." he said. Sadly, he was mistaken. The entire block had become an enormous crime scene.

   "Well, it looks like the difficulty has increased substantially. Wouldn't you say, Derpy?" he said. No answer. He turned around and his partner was nowhere to be found. He searched the block and found her in a bakery, ogling the pastries.

   "Derpy!" he scolded.

   "Sorry! I didn't have breakfast this morning!" she replied.

   He facehoofed, then thought for a moment. "Alright, you stay here and get breakfast. I'll talk to the chief. Just don't break anything."

   She saluted goofily, smacking herself in the eye. She rubbed her eye and blushed, embarrassed from committing such a foolish act.

   "Right then." he said, unamused at her antics at this critical point of an adventure. He left and trotted to the police chief, who was standing outside of the house. "Excuse me, sir! May I ask what seems to be the problem?" he said with a smile.

   "Oh! Doctor! It's been a while, it has!" said the chief in a stereotypical policeman's brogue. "What brings ya, lad?"

   "Well, sir--"

   "Please, call me Clover."

   "C-Clover?" he hesitated.

   "Yes, as in Fourleaf Clover! That's me name!"

   "I see. As I was saying, Clover, I hear there have been some strange goings-on in this alleged 'crime'." He had attempted to make air quotes, but having hooves made it difficult to put up two fingers he didn't have. "Stupid horse body." he mumbled quietly.

   "Why yes! Reports from neighbors say they heard screaming and a large explosion. We went in there and there was no body to be found, nor even a sign of one! I assure you, this is the strangest case we've gotten since that tidal wave of multicolored goop! It was stretchable and bouncable! And poppable! All those kids down at the school said it was called 'Gak'! What is 'Gak'?"

   As Clover asked this, a group of teenaged colts ran by and yelled "GAK GAK GAK!!!"

   "Oooh!!! When I get my hooves on those young'uns! Did you see that, Doctor?" He turned to the Doctor, who was giggling quietly. The Doctor then realized he was in the gaze of Clover and quickly straightened his bowtie and feigned a cough.

   "Ahem. Excuse me, I have a bit of a cough today. Now, were there any witnesses or anyone that was with the victim at the time of death?"

   "Aye. The winged blue one was on the phone with our victim."

   "Where can I find him?"

   Clover pointed over Doc's shoulder at a small table in front of the coffee shop that Derpy was dining in. At the table were three ponies. A blue pegasus, a brown pegasus, and a white unicorn. The blue pegasus was sipping a latte solemnly as the others seemed to be consoling him. The Doctor straightened his bowtie once again and casually walked toward the party of three.

   "Excuse me, may I ask your names?" he said.

   The blue pegasus sighed a dramatic, but quiet, "hello, Doctor".

   "Hi, Doctor. I'm Reeses Cup. Frowny over there is Rocket. And the unicorn is Wiiden." said the brown pegasus.

   "Hey! I have every reason to be 'frowny', Reeses. My ex just got blown into oblivion by something nopony can even see! Don't be disrespectful!" said Rocket angrily.

   "Sorry, just tryin' to lighten the mood." said Reeses.

   "I know. Sorry." Rocket replied sadly. He was looking at the floor the entire time, only using his eyes to look around.

   "Now, if you're in the mood, I have some questions I'd like you to answer, Rocket." said the Doctor professionally. Rocket brought his head up at the sound of his name.

   "Depends on the mood you want me to answer in." he replied with a sad smile.

   "The answering mood would be excellent at this time."

   "What do you want to know?"

   "Everything. Did you hear anything strange when you were on the phone with her? Any explosions, or crackling, or mechanical voices yelling 'EXTERMINATE, EXTERMINATE'?"

   "There was a strange mechanical whining during the call. It was like something was powering up or a shrill white noise. And after that, she screamed," his voice began breaking and trembling, "and there was a big explosion. That's it."

   "Alright. I'm sorry."

   "It's okay." he sniffled

   "What do you think it was?"

   "I honestly have no idea. It didn't sound like anything that I've heard."

   "Did she have any enemies that you know of?"

   "No. Then again, I haven't seen her in a few months. Who knows what could've happened in that timeframe."

   Doc was going to say something, but Derpy began screaming just a few yards behind him. He turned to see what the problem was and couldn't believe what he was seeing. A pterodactyl was trying to steal Derpy's bag of muffins. A real-life, in the flesh pterodactyl! In Canterlot! He had seen them before in his travels through time and space, but never in Equestria (at least present day Equestria)!

   Just as Derpy got her bag back, another one darted in and knocked her to the ground with its long, sharp beak. She lay motionless on the floor as the prehistoric hoodlums munched on her breakfast. What a day.

Tag-Alongs

   "NOOOO!!!!" yelled the Doctor as he ran, swatting at the scaly pests to make them fly away (which surprisingly worked). He reached his partner. He saw the damage up close and nearly had to look away. The side of her chest had been gashed gruesomely and she wasn't breathing. Her mangled body didn't move an inch. A crowd began to gather around her body. The Doctor commanded them to stay away as he thought of something to do. The thought came to his mind to perform CPR, so he instinctively tried it. He began pushing down on her sternum with his front hooves, counting to fifteen. He then braced himself and put his lips over hers, plugging her nose, and breathing into her mouth. It seemed to be working, as her chest began to slowly move up and down, but the Doctor didn't notice. He had just repeated the thrusts and was now in the "kiss of life" phase.

   Derpy's eyes fluttered open and wider so when she was surprised to see what appeared to be the Doctor putting the moves on her. She blushed, but didn't say a word, wanting this to last for as long as possible. He finally lifted his head to see that her eyes were open and she was smiling at him. He blushed and began sweating.

   "How long have you been awake?" he asked nervously.

   "Long enough to know that what you were doing WASN'T for medicinal purposes." she giggled.

   "Stop it. You're embarrassing me." he said shyly. He looked around and realized that most of the crowd was cheering and displaying their own affection. "Ahem. Go back to your homes, nothing to see here!"

   "That's bull! I saw those weird flying things! Those aren't any gryphons I've ever seen! Last time I checked, gryphons didn't have scales! I'm so happy for you! Who was phone?" shouted the crowd overlappingly.

   "Just return to your homes for now! We will have your answers later!" yelled Clover, winking at the Doctor. The Doctor returned with a salute, grabbed Derpy, and slinked away into the coffee shop.

   "Wait! Doctor!" yelled a voice behind him. He turned only to see the three ponies he interrogated! "We wanna help you! We know what you do." said Reeses.

   "You have no idea what I do." rebuttled the Doctor.

   "Yes, we do. You're a Time Lord--" said Rocket. Doc quickly put a hoof over Rocket's mouth, suppressing his outrageous, but veracious accusation.

   "How do you know me?" he asked.

   "We live on the same street. And I saw your Sonic Screwdriver." said Rocket.

   "Oh. We do?"

   "Yea, Derpy and I go out for coffee and muffins in the morning. She hasn't told you?" asked Rocket.

   The Doctor thought a bit. "OH! YOU'RE THAT GUY!!! I remember now! You two went to high school together."

   "Yep, that's me. I'm that guy."

   "But, how do you know about Time Lords?"

   "I read a book."

   "Oh. It must've been Twilight. Why does she have so many books? And on unnecessary topics like Time Lords!?"

   "What you call unnecessary I call fascinating."

   "One might think. It's not all it's cracked up to be once you come along with me. Someone always dies and I can't save them all. It's all routine to me now."

   "There must still be some fun there. You're flying through the stars in a box for crying out loud! You're controlling time!"

   "Tons of it. Just not enough to actually want to. Don't even think about coming with me."

   "Well now I am!"

   "THE ANSWER IS NO! That goes for all of you!" shouted Doc. The room shifted into an eerie silence.

   "Fine." said Rocket after a bit. "I hope you do good, for the world's sake. Come on, comrades." They walked off wordlessly.

   The Doctor looked on without batting an eyelash out of sympathy. He felt justified in the way he treated the situation. It was better he scold them than they get blown up or fall off a cliff due to him letting them tag along.