The Wind Reports: Funding Provided By...

by gale-wind

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Slice of Life, Alternate Universe
Length: 3024

Gale Wind and Lyra Heartstrings meet with Celestia to get funding for their controversial projects

Professor Gale Wind and Doctor Lyra Heartstrings have come Princess Celestia to obtain grants for their projects that not everypony approves of. Lyra, an equipologist, has made new discoveries that suggest that ponies were once quadrupeds. Gale Wind, a biologist turned sociologist and sex researcher, wants to start work on his new book, Sexual Behavior of the Equine Female.

This is the Introduction to The Wind Reports (WR).

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-04 19:21:26 UTC

The Canterlot Endowment for Life Science...

Princess Celestia gave a small bow to the Griffon ambassador; their meeting over, he flew off from a balcony that was connected to the Great Hall, there for just such a purpose. Relieved at a successful envoy, she sat back down on her thrown.

"What is next on the agenda, Ink Well."

A white unicorn sporting a brown beehive with thick rimmed glasses and a posh dress suit responded. "Two researchers from Buffaloa University. Oh, Buffaloa is a rather nice place. They have a wonderful corn festival." Ink Well's tone was pleasant, but that changed to sullen as she read further. "Oh. But these two, I don't care for them, your Highness. The first one is a unicorn, Lyra Heartstrings. She is looking for a grant to do archaeological digs to find the origin..." She paused to sigh "...the origin of our species." She murmured in displeasure, "Of all the gosh dern blasphemous, insulting..."

"I'm sorry my little pony, what did you say?" Celestia's retort was a call for clarity; that if Ink Well had something to say, she should say it.

"Your Highness, we all know that you are the Sun; you are the beginning of life, your Majesty. It's bad enough that there are these jack bunny ponies that say we come from something else, but the nerve of coming to you, of all people! It's just bricking wrong." Ink Well seemed pleased that she spoke so strongly and that she avoiding using any foul language.

Celestia looked less than pleased, "My dear Ink, there are things even I don't know. Do not be so quick to judge what everyone knows. And what others should want to learn." She smiled, ending the line of thought. "And who is after that, Ink Well?"

"Oh yes. After that is the pegasus..." She stopped, she still couldn't believe it. "Gale Wind." She nearly snapped her clipboard in half as she tried in vain to contain her disgust. "Majesty, you should have the guards escort him out at once! The stallion is down right evil!"

Celestia appreciated her assistant's commitment to being open with her; that even with all of her admiration, she was not a sycophant. With this honesty came a tendency not to exaggerate. "What in Equestria would make you feel this pony is evil?"

"Princess Celestia, this is the author of Sexual Behavior in the Equine Male! He's made all sorts of vile claims about our stallions. That they had relations as colts, that there are great numbers of stallions that prefer stallions over mares, and that almost all... all...clop." She was disgusted just to say it. "And with this, he's encouraging all these perverted behaviors." She stomped the floor.

"Ooo. That really was a fascinating read. Certainly turned a few heads, don't you think?" The Princess gave a cavalier laugh, an attitude that left Ink Well shocked. "These two shall be most interesting. Bring them in, please."

She was left with no recourse. She marched herself to the Grand Hall's main gate. With a cold, piercing glance. "You two. She's ready." With a huff and a twist, she marched right back to stand beside the Princess.

A middle aged stallion stood up. Dressed dapper, though frugal, from head to toe. Dark brown loafers, light tan slacks, held up by blue suspenders, over a crisp white shirt and brown vest, all under a tweed jacket. His only flare was a bright red bow tie. Sitting upon his magenta locks was a modest fedora. His dark blue hand entered a pocket on his vest, pulling out a old silver watch. He checked it for the time before tucking it back away. His violet eyes met that of his young friend's. "Ready, Lyra?"

"Of course, old man." She grabbed her things, "Ready as I'll ever be."

Gale was well aware that man was a term most considered mythological. It usually was quite offensive as well. Men were brutish monsters who made food from grinding pony bones into gelatin. Lyra didn't believe they were myths though. She felt they lived in the age of mankind, and that ponies were the ghosts of the past. He'd worked with her long enough to know that calling him 'man' just meant that she was comfortable around him. He chuckled softly as he offered his hand. "You first, Doctor." She took it, rising to her feet. She lead the way inside.

"Welcome, my little ponies.", greeted the princess with an inviting smile. After the two scholars bowed in respect, Celestia continued. "And what is the reason for your audience?"  In Celestia's peripheral vision she could see Ink Well angrily staring down her two guests.

Lyra could not be bothered by the sour gaze. "Your Highness. I have found a location for an archaeological dig. I do not believe we were always like we are today. I don't know how we came to this 'man form', but we were once something else. We came from what I call 'proto-horse'. They were quadrupedal, had hoofed feet, and muzzled heads. Just researching the ancient Saddle Arabian for the etymology for horse and it is 'to run'; 'human' comes from ancient Unicornian meaning 'same as us'. 2000 years ago it seems to be when when the term was coined. Same time that we start finding objects like this." Lyra pulled out a horseshoe in a protective case. She was pleased to see that Celestia was fascinated. "This is what the proto-horse races wore on their feet. I found this just North of Saddle Arabia. I want to perform a complete dig in the area."

"Tell me, little one, what would such a thing look like? What could wear that as a shoe?" Celestia was impressed with the find. It wasn't the first she'd seen, but the first in over a thousand years. She only wished Ink Well could be as excited at the discovery.

"Oh, I have just the thing." She put away the horseshoe and pulled out a sketchbook. "On the train here, I wanted to make sure there was a nice example of what they would look like, so I asked Professor Wind here if I could sketch him. He graciously agreed." She stepped up to the throne and handed the open sketchbook into the princess's pearl hands.

Gale Wind as depicted by Lyra Heartstrings

They watched Gale stand calmly as their eyes glanced back and forth like a tennis match, comparing the drawing to him. Ink grasped her hands in shock of seeing the hooves, then to her face when she saw the muzzle. They noted that the cutie mark on the drawing was on the flank, rather than on the shoulder. The ears were the same though, even if the head itself was so different. The drawing still had wings, like the ones Gale had tucked closely behind him.

Impressed, Celestia  floated the sketchbook back to Lyra, surrounded by a nimbus of golden magic. "Too bad we don't have those tails still, seems like that would be fun. The unicorns still had horns, too, right?"

Ink Well would not allow Lyra to confirm Celestia suspicion. She could not take it any more, "This is horrifying, Ms. Heartstrings!" Ink seethed, being momentarily interrupted by Gale interjecting 'Doctor'; his correction was ignored. "This... abomination is some terrible myth. We ponies were never this... monstrosity! We are children of Celestia!"

"I never said that, my dear." Celestia's heart was heavy with regret. She was royal, she was powerful, and so far to her knowledge immortal. But she was not someone to be worshiped. She found it hard to tell people not to believe in her, though. She desired her subjects free to do that, if they wished. But this was a time when such practices harmed those around them. She heard Ink Well gasp as she heard the startling revelation. "You'll forgive me that I have not made that clear to you. Simply put, I wasn't the first. I was just the first alicorn, my sister the second. We aren't even sure of that. The sun and the moon existed well before we were born. All we have done is control them in order to help our subjects." It pained her to watch Ink step back aghast, shocked and trying to hide her anguish and confusion. "I'm sorry, I feel as if I've deceived you. But I have just as many questions about this world as you, my friend."

The researchers did not seem as surprised. Not all ponies believed the old mare's tale that Celestia created the world. Her powers were great, but she'd never implied she created anything other than a kingdom. It was still a matter of scholarly debate, and few people had much to go on.

Celestia turned from her still reeling assistant to address her guests. "I am so pleased that somepony has truly taken the steps to finding out more. I am happy to give you the grant. Please speak with my Minister of Science, Star Bright. He will set up the specifics. But I expect results."

Lyra jumped for joy in a circle before Gale put a hand on her shoulder. "Oh, right. Thank you Professor Wind." She grabbed her things, skipping on air on air out of the Great Hall.

"My little pony..." Celestia saw the turquoise mare stop and turn to face her. "The Office of the Minister of Science is down this hall." A magenta blush came to Lyra's cheeks as she quickly started flying the way she was directed.

A hot tenseness burned across Gale's chest. He'd lost quite a few backers in the previous five years. He'd been too proud to seek a grant from the Kingdom. He thought people might question his motives or the validity of his research. But as finances ran dry, he found that he could not be so choosy. Now the entire project might rest on the choice of the alicorn before him. His throat was dry enough to choke. He pulled a canteen of water from his satchel. As he quaffed, his eyes caught Ink's. Her gray eyes attempted to pierce him with contempt. Her attitude served him well, reminding him of why his study was so important. His anxiety left him as reaffirmed his purpose. "An excellent decision, Princess. I've looked over some of her theories. It's not my area of expertise of course, but she a very bright mare, and she's unafraid of the truth."

"I see. Well, Professor, I hear you've become quite famous in the last ten years." She leaned back, resting her chin on her hand. "I read your book, back when it was first published. I must say, its contents shocked me... left me disgusted and ashamed." Ink Well gave a smug grin to Gale, but he didn't flinch. "I've ruled Equestria for a long time, I should have known what you said was true before you said it. At least some of it. It is a shame that I live with. I may be why Equestria is so insensitive to so many ponies. I'm glad that it has never escalated to violence. But it is an excuse for cruelty. I've done what I can, but it is hearts that must change," Ink Well's jaw was a agape, unable to fathom that Celestia, the Guardian of the Day, could side with such... such a pervert.

"Behavior, Celestia. It is the only reliable guide to understanding Equine Sexuality. With a large enough sample we'll understand everything. That's the thing I learned about my study of the parasprites. Everything can be learned with enough samples." Gale tried to hold back a grin at Ink Well's reaction, and only barely succeeded. "As with my male study completed ten years ago, I need to go out and interview female subjects. I will give them the same sexual history survey. 342 questions, though rarely do I ask more than 200. I keep the data private by coding it as my interview takes place. Even the coded data is only seen by me and a handful of researchers. Nothing has much changed, just what gender I need to interview. I've of course been doing interviews this whole time, but I've done them only when available. I have been still been giving lectures, teaching at BU, I've promoted the book; which has seen two new editions since first published, spoken for various causes, and attempted to keep grants from groups who have backed out. Many are afraid to be connected to something so controversial."

"And what do you need from me, Professor Wind?"

"Funds, of course. But that isn't all. You have many contacts here and in other places in Equestria. You also hold a great amount of sway and respect. All surveys are voluntary of course, but if you could suggest it, encourage it. Extend an invitation to ponies across Equestria. It would be immensely helpful for my study."

Celestia pondered this all. What it would mean to publicly support this, the possible scandal, threats of abuse of power. She could still remember punishing, banishing ponies for some of the behaviors that Gale's book clearly defended as normal behavior. Homosexuals, inter-species lovers, cloppers, those that became pregnant without being married. Even the times she didn't, she didn't lift a finger to protect her subject.

Celestia's hesitation left her assistant a window to speak. "Your previous book has been a plague on Equestria. You wish to shame the mares of this kingdom with your smut? Dragging your filthy survey out here. You'd just love to tell us all about how our daughters are whores, mares cheat, and even our dear little fillies clop. I say nuh-uh, no sir." She shook her head. "We don't need your garbage, mister, don't ya know." Her white brow furrowed behind her glasses. "What do you have to say about that, huh?"

"Doctor, Mrs.." He straightened his bow tie. "Or Professor. I have three doctorates, and still lecture at least one semester a year. Call me Doctor or Professor, and I will call you Mrs.. That way we can both celebrate our accomplishments." Gale showed the slightest of grins as he stared back into Ink Well's eyes.

Princess Celestia sighed, frustrated at their interchange. "Enough, my little ponies. Professor Wind, it is unacceptable to much such presumptions about my assistant. You haven't even met her. How can you assume to know she is married."

That tense pain returned, but he didn't back down. "My interviewing has allowed me to have a pretty good idea about certain people, from how they respond. Your assistant has been married at least ten years.You have at least three children." He watched her scoff, but she didn't contradict him. He knew that meant he was right so far. "Given your reaction, I'd say you've... never cheated on your husband, but he cheated on you. You forgave him though. He's the only man you've ever been with, after all. That didn't start with your honeymoon though, I'd say-"

"Professor Wind!" Celestia stopped him with a commanding call. "Professor, that is quite enough. You've proven your point." She knew bits of what he'd said were true about her assistant. She suspected he was right on the money. However, the pink, furious blush on Ink Well's face spoke to her pain and humiliation. "Obviously, your research holds merit. For example, our Ministry of Disease Control is just one group that could use data. But you lost sight of communication along the way. I wish to give you your grant; it's clear that Equestria needs your work. If you can't give me your research in a way that's cooperative and effective, there is no point."

Gale feared for the worse, realizing the mistake he made. He let Ink get under his skin, and he took it too far. "What do you suggest? Should I write you letters weekly about the progress of my Study?"

Celestia shook her head. "No, I am afraid I must assign you a liaison. And I think I know just the pony for the job."

Gale and Ink's attention was grabbed, understanding her tone. Pleading in unison, "No, you can't possibly mean-"

"Ink Well," Celestia turned to her assistant. "Your newest assignment is that of liaison to Professor Wind's study. You'll go to him every two weeks, wherever he is, and get a report on his progress and of any useful data he's obtained."

Gale and Ink both felt kicked in the gut. Gale knew he had no choice. His work would not last much longer without Celestia's aid. To Ink, her position near Celestia was not just a job, but an honor and a dream come true. Her love of Equestria and Celestia was too strong to be derailed by Gale. "Y..yes, your Highness. I will be your liaison." Ink Well pouted with a sigh.

Celestia graced her assistant with a genuine smile. "Wonderful. I feel there is much for you to learn in this, my friend."

For the moment, Ink Well pushed away her feelings, masking herself with forced grin. "Your Majesty, might I be excused for a few minutes?"

"Yes, but please do not be too long. There is much more work to be done today, as you well know."

Ink bowed and then walked out of the Hall with her usual poise. She would have to uncork her bottle of rage away from other ponies.

As Ink Well left, Celestia turned her attention to Gale, "And there is much you need to learn as well, Professor. As a teacher myself, I understand that you never stop learning. Wouldn't you agree?"

Gale Wind bowed deeply and thankfully. "I couldn't agree more, your Majesty."

A slender, nacreous finger tapped thoughtfully on Celestia's chin. "Now," She proceeded, "have you ever been to Ponyville?"

"Twice," Responded Gale, "but both trips were unfortunately short. I was only passing through. A nice town though. Reminded me of home." He folded his hands behind him, curious why she would mention such a small town.

"I happen to know a few ponies who live there..."