To Be Honest

Ugh. A whole week has gone by since the last honesty-themed meeting. And now, it’s time for another one. I know, I know. It actually sounded like I was warming up to the whole concept of the meeting and what it was all about.

Then I went back to my real life.

Or, what passes for real life right now, anyways. I’m stuck in a dead-end job, working security for some two-bit flea market down the road from the place where I’m staying. Which is, by the way, a hell-hole in and of itself.

Man. This place is dirty as hell. Kinda symbolic, I guess, of all the shit in my life that I’m having to deal with. Whether I want to or not, by the way…

I’m sitting in my bed right now, looking at a picture of my daughter. She just had her school pictures taken a few weeks ago, and my bitch of an ex-wife decided that she would (for once in her life) be nice to me, and send me a few copies of the pictures.

I’ve got one in my wallet, one on my bedside table, and… this one.

This one that I’m holding in my hand was a special picture that she had taken- not by the school photographer, but by her mom. She’s standing out by her mother’s motorcycle- weird, yeah, I know- and she’s clutching something in her hand.

It’s a plush toy of Applejack, and she’s holding onto it like it’s the greatest thing she’s ever had. Grinning like a madman, at that.

I can’t help but smile every time I look at that picture. It’s just so… refreshing. To know that there’s someone out there who still has the capacity for love.

If it weren’t for my daughter, I’d swear I’d lost it a long time ago…

I got up off my bed and pulled on my going-out attire. A pair of old, faded jeans and a T-shirt that I’ve had since before I got married. “Life’s A Bitch, And Then You Marry One.” That’s the slogan on the shirt.

Man, if only I’d known how true that was… I’d have never gotten married to begin with. But that’s neither here, nor there.

I got into my rusty-ass old pickup truck and started it up. I have to throttle it easy nowadays, or it’ll lock up on me and never get started. Heh. Kinda sounds like my whole life…

As I went down the road, I couldn’t help but think about what my daughter had told me the other day. “Daddy…” she’d said, “no matter what, I believe in you. You can do this.”

My daughter’s only nine years old, and she’s having to console me because I feel like my life isn’t worth going on for anymore. I’m a falling-down drunk, and she knows it. And yet she still has faith in me, somehow…

I don’t see how, quite frankly.

My thoughts pre-occupied me until I got to the meeting hall. I pulled into the nearest available parking space and shut the truck off, praying already that it would start up again when I had to go back home.

As I walked in, I could smell the hot cocoa before I saw or smelled anything else. I breathed the aroma in deeply, and couldn’t help but smile. The simple pleasures in life, those were always what I loved most.

“Well, hello there, Donald!” The same guy from last week, was there again this time. I didn’t mind him much; she was okay in my book. I waved back to him as I went over to the refreshment table. Nice steaming hot chocolate and-

Wait. Could it be? Peanut brownies? I picked one up tentatively and looked it over all around. Sure enough, this batch had peanuts in them.

Did someone know? Had I mentioned it at all during the previous meeting?

Hah. Here I was, being all high-and-mighty. As if they did this just for me… It’s still appreciated, though.

I picked up a plate and put a few brownies on there, poured myself a cup of hot cocoa, and sat down in my chair. I think this is the same chair I sat in last week. It looks roughly in the same position, anyways.

A few moments later, the room quieted down when the guy began to speak.

“Hey everyone,” he began. “You all know who I am, but it’s still customary for me to introduce myself, so… my name is Brighton, and I’m an alcoholic.”

Once again, everyone chorused with, “Hi, Brighton.”

“We had a good turn-out last week, which is very heartening. And I like to see that everyone from last week came back today! We do have two new people, so introduce yourselves please, at this time.”

I caught the first guy’s name- Joshua- but the other lady’s name went right over my head. Not that it was hard to understand, I don’t think, but I had just bitten into one of the peanut brownies and my mind was in a completely and totally different place just then.

After the two newcomers had introduced themselves, Brighton continued: “Today’s topic is, obviously, related to the overall theme of honesty. More specifically, I want us to talk this week about people we may not necessarily want to be honest with, but we have to be anyways. Who wants to start?”

An old lady with mousy brown hair on the left side of the room raised her hand, and when Brighton called on her, she began to talk. I took this as my cue to go into La-La Land again, and I promptly did so.

Once again, I began to remember some of the good times I’d had with my daughter: taking her to Six Flags on her sixth birthday, going out fishing with her and her friends (she’d always been more of the outdoorsy type)…

There were so many things that I loved doing with her, and so many things that I would have loved to do with her had… things not gotten in the way.

I barely recognized it when one person ended their spiel and the next one began. I was too lost in reminiscing. I did manage to barely catch it, though, a little bit later on when Brighton asked me if I wanted to share.

“Nope,” was all I said.

“Why not?” Brighton asked. “You were so eloquent last week.”

“Yeah, about that… I don’t know where that came from. And as for the topic this week, I really don’t care to be honest with much of anybody nowadays. I’m so fucked up, the less people really know about me, the better. And that’s all I have to say about that.”

“Um… thanks for sharing.” He moved on to the next person, who turned out to be much more sociable than I could ever pretend to be.

The meeting ended later without provocation, and I stood up to leave. As I did so, I saw someone moving towards me. It turned out to be the lady from the beginning, the newcomer that I didn’t catch her name.

“Were you here last week?” she asked me. I nodded. “Well, can you fill me in on what happened?”

Why she wanted to know this, I hadn’t the foggiest, but I filled her in nonetheless.

After I was finished, she smiled at me. It was a genuine smile, as though she actually enjoyed my company. It was weird. I wasn’t exactly used to that from anyone but my daughter.

“Thanks,” she said. “See you next week?” I nodded. She turned to leave, but something prompted me to say something to her.

“Hey!” I called out. “What’s your name?” She turned back to me and smiled that smile again.

“Oh… you can just call me AJ.”