My Rustled Jimmies

Though the Castle ballroom was already fully packed, the line to enter stretched far beyond the gates and into Canterlot city. Outside the front entrance, Applejack’s refreshments cart stood to serve the waiting partygoers. She’d only been set up for a minute when Soarin’, veteran flyer of the Wonderbolts aerial team, trotted up to her cart.

“ Howdy, Partner! Ya hungry?” she asked. The lively Pegasus nodded vigorously,

“ As a HORSE!” he declared loudly; two mares behind him standing in the line shot him nasty looks. Applejack hissed at him,

“ Whoa there, don’tcha be talkin’ like that round civilized ponies, ya hear?”

Soarin’ huffed, “ Please, I know those mares eyeing me up – and let me tell you, they’re only civilized outside the bedroom.”

He looked back at the embarrassed mares, now casting their eyes anywhere but him,

“ Ain’t that right, ladies?” he called back over his shoulder.

Applejack smiled, feeling a little less out-of-place around the shameless stallion. She squinted at his tight Wonderbolt uniform.

“ Say, ain’tcha one o’ them fancy Pegasi who did the airshow? The… Wonderbolts, ain’t it?” she asked.

Soarin’ held his head high, “ That’s right! You saw our performance, huh?”

“ Ah saw bits an’ pieces of it, ah’m sure mah Pegasus friend will be fillin’ me in all tha way home.”

Soarin lit up at the mention of her friend, “ A Pegasus, eh? Is it a he or she?”

“It’s a she, least ah think so. Can’t say ah ever checked.” Applejack answered with a serious face.

“ Oh, so she might be a he?” Soarin’ asked, Applejack shrugged.

“ Well…” he paused, “ Is he open minded?”

Applejack cracked up and shook her head. “ Ah’m just playin’, Wonderbolt; she’s definitely a mare!”

“ So you HAVE checked!” he teased. Applejack blushed slightly,

“ Well, we’re good friends… ah mean, ah see her up close a lot. So yeah, there’s been times where ah’d seen her plumbin’ if ya know what ah mean.”

Soarin’ grinned, “ I like where this is going.”

“ Now it ain’t like that, ya naughty pony.” Applejack laughed,

“ Ah never touched her or anythin’”

Soarin’ closed in a bit over the refreshments cart’s counter,

“But you’ve wanted to, right?”

Applejack rolled her eyes, “ Oh brother, even if ah really was some desperate filly chaser, ah wouldn’t touch them ‘thunderthighs’ with a ten foot pole.”

Soarin’ cocked his head, “ Wait a minute, is she big-assed or something? What do you mean by ‘thunderthighs’?”

“ Oh no, she’s a stringy one. Ah just call’er ‘thunderthighs’ sometimes on account o’ her cutie mark bein’ a cloud shootin’ lightnin’.”

“ Is she black? I saw a black mare with a grey mane and-“

“ Naw, that ain’t her.” Applejack said, cutting him off. Soarin’ sighed in relief.

“ Good, because she was UUUG-LY.”

Applejack chuckled, “ Don’t worry ‘bout trackin’ down ol’ Rainbow Dash. When she sees yer costume, she’ll come runnin’. Now enough about mah friend, how ‘bout we talk ‘bout yer hunger?”

Soarin’ didn’t take his eyes off Applejack, “ Yeah, I’ve got a real hunger for something right now.”

Applejack motioned to her treats on display. “ Is that a hankerin’ fer apples ya got?”

“Yeah, “ he said, licking his lips, “ There are some apples I’d like to sink my teeth into.”

Applejack’s eyes narrowed, “ Them apples ain’t fer sale, partner.”

Soarin’ pouted, “ C’mon, even for a Wonderbolt like me?”

“ ESPECIALLY fer a Wonderbolt like you.”

“Fine,” Soarin’ said, sounding only slightly frustrated. But then his eyes fell on the perfectly baked, golden-crusted apple pie perched upon one of the cart’s shelves, and lit up.

“ I’LL TAKE THAT BIG APPLE PIE!”

Applejack grinned, “ That’ll be two bits, sir, thank ya kindly!”

Soarin’ hastily dropped two bits into Applejack’s bit bucket and received his pie. Applejack cheered as the Pegasus sped away with his treat,

“ YEEHAW! In the first minute, I made mah first sale, just like ah expected!”

Then, she remembered his complete unawareness of Rainbow Dash’s existence. She scratched her chin with her hoof in contemplation.

“ Strange, ah thought Rainbow Dash said she was gonna give’em a surprise audition to their fruity lil’ team durin’ the show. Ah wonder what she’s up to.”

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Outside the castle walls, several rows of trailers stood behind a recently built chain link fence. Above it’s gated entrance, a blue banner with gilded edges hung down.

THE WONDERBOLTS
GRAND GALLOPING GALA PERFORMANCE!

A single Royal Unicorn Guard paced about behind the gate –diligent, but alone. Just a few yards out, behind a tree, Rainbow Dash hunched down in her elaborate Gala dress; she planned her path inside.

“ Okay, let’s get this straight.” She whispered to herself, “ I fly above the guard, do a somersault, pick the lock to Spitfire’s trailer, look through ALL her shit, borrow a Wonderbolts’ uniform, try it on, take some keepsakes, and be gone before anypony realizes I’m here.”

Rainbow Dash smirked, “ Bulletproof.”

The Unicorn Guard flashed his magic light between the trailers as he passed them; every now and then, he’d peer through the windows and try the doors, just to be certain that no crazed fans had somehow slipped him by. What he did not do, however, was look up. Rainbow Dash glided past him without a hitch and landed on the roof of one of the centre trailers. She noticed how the moonlight glinted off her headpiece, so she quickly removed it and tossed it aside. Sorry Rarity, she thought, I’ll come back for it later. The hook and eye on her headpiece disconnected in mid-air; the two halves of her golden laurel wreath clanged off the metal roof noisily, causing Rainbow Dash to wince and pray the guard did not hear. After a long silence, she leapt to the ground. The trailer she’d landed on had a door with a lightning bolt-shaped sign; in the center of the bolt was the name,

SOARIN’

“ Well,” Rainbow whispered, “ It wouldn’t hurt to take a peek.” She slinked up to the trailer door to pick it, but the door was slightly ajar. Rainbow Dash gently pushed the door open with a hoof and cautiously stepped inside. The first thing to assault Rainbow’s senses was the smell; the heavy air carried the stench of weeks old pastry leftovers, a concentrated odor of several emptied cans of energy drink stung her nostrils like bees, an all-encompassing stink of body odor and sex hung in the air and caused her to gag and choke on each breath. Moonlight crept into the room from the open door; it illuminated a sprawling graveyard of piecrusts, empty pie tins, crushed energy drink cans and discarded clothes. The ground was riddled with old potato chips and hay fries that crunched under Rainbow Dash’s every step.

“ Okay, focus, Rainbow Dash.” She whispered, “ Just a peek through this trash bin and I’m gone.” She stepped past the illuminated parts and into the darkness; with each step further into the dark, her hooves struggled more and more to find solid ground. Each step landed on some unknown object, many of them being greasy and slippery to the touch. She dreaded the idea of tripping and falling into the strange and smelly piles of unidentified garbage.