Captain Equestria!

by Equestrian Breaker

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Other, Spike, Scootaloo, Random, Zecora, Human, Lyra, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1871

He's the hero Equestria deserves, but not the one it needs right now. Captain Equestria!

He's the hero Equestria deserves, but not the one it needs right now. Come, read the origins of Captain Equestria! Set at an evening picnic in Ponyville Park, our protagonist, Anonymous the Human, comes to the stunning realization that Equestria is lacking in the Planetary Guardian department. See how our soon-to-be hero chooses his team!

Published 2012-12-04 11:10:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-04 11:10:01 UTC

Captain Equestria!

Day Gaia in Equestria.

You are Anonymous, lacker of greater than symbols because we're on FiMFiction now, Son, not Pastebin! Big League! Currently, you sit with the Mane 6 at a GLORIOUS PICKNICK FEAST. Not really, though. There's no meat other than fish. Fluttershy can't handle it. So, you sit at your SUB-GLORIOUS PICKNICK FEAST, idly chit-chatting with the others. Twilight was just wrapping up a story of her own.

"...and when I was performing the show, there were suddenly fireworks going off everywhere! Trixie had come back to apologize for the way she acted under the Alicorn Amulet's sway. I doubt it was all the amulet, but she'd had a rough time for so long, I couldn't find a reason not to forgive her. Besides, Celestia and the Saddle Arabians seemed to love our combined display!"

Dam, a lot went down while you were away in Canterlot. But hey, when Fancypants invites you to a party, Fancypants invites you to a frigging party. That's what Rarity told you, though more eloquently, at least. You lean back on one arm and turn to Twilight.

"These Saddle Arabian guys, you said they were as tall as Celestia?"

Twilight nods. "Pretty much!"

"So, did they have any cool powers of some kind?"

Twilight goes back, trying to remember the details.

"I don't think so, Anon, but what would lead you to think that? They're just dignitaries."

You shrug. "Eh, I dunno. It just seems like everything that's tall in this place has some kind of superpower or ability."

The girl's look around at eachother with raised eyebrows. Applejack pipes up.

"Well what do ya mean?"

You straighten up, thinking about all the creatures you've heard of or met.

"Well the princesses are good examples. Celestia, Luna, and Cadence are all taller than other ponies, and they control the Sun, Moon, or can cause Love. Queen Chrsyalis fed off of love to become stronger, and she even rivaled Celestia for power. That, and the awesome transformations. Dragons spit out fire and can instantly send messages, Iron Will is the strongest, most inspiring thing I've ever seen, and Discord could do all kinds of extreme magic. All the tall stuff in this world get cool moves and control over things."

Applejack blinks. "Huh. I guess ya got a point there."

You turn back to Twilight. "So, these guys didn't have anything special? Star control? Super speed? ...Oil mastery?"

"I don't remember anything like that Anon, sorry. Guess your theory is a bit debunked!"

"Well, maybe they weren't the tallest of their kind."

You cross your arms and let out a humph. Fluttershy notices your grouchiness.

"Cheer up, Anon, it's not all bad. I bet you could still have a special power even if not all tall things get them."

You perk up at this. "Me, have special powers? That's a pretty cool idea, Flutters."

"Oh, well I thought that was what you were getting at."

"It wasn't, but you're right. I should have some kind of awesome ability!"

You stand up, chest puffed out. Rarity titters at your antics before replying.

"Now come, darling, just because we aren't tall doesn't mean we're powerless. Why, we Unicorns can do all sorts of things with our horns, can we not?"

You ponder this, thinking up a counter argument.

"Yeah, but you guys have your magic centered on your craft. Twilight lucked out with hers being magic, but that's not common."

Rarity seem to be in the competitive spirit and readies a retort of her own.

"Well, what about us? All of us here - the Elements of Harmony? Unicorn, Pegasi, and Earth Pony alike all share in wielding them against foes like Discord!"

You scratch your head, thinking about the descriptions they gave of of how the elements work.

"Yeah, that's true. You guys might not be tall, but you sure do back a wallop together. Taking on foes together far bigger than yourselves, stopping evil with teamwork, coming from all walks of life, and if all else fails, calling upon a giant wall of light to beat the crap out of stuff!"

You stand in silence, mulling over that fact. Come to think of it, it sounded awfully like something back home. Twilight eyes flash white, light rises into the sky, and...

"Twilight?"

"Yes, Anon?"

"Does Equestria have a Guardian?"

"Like... the Royal Guard?"

"No, like a real Guardian. Not just for ponies. For everyone - the environment. The land, sea, and air."

"Not... that I know of, Anon. Can you think of anything, girls?"

The mane 6 all shake their heads slowly. You clench one first, holding it in front of you.

"I call dibs."

...

...

"Anon, what are you talking about?"

"I CALL DIBS ON CAPTAIN PLANET."

There are collective 'wats' across the board, but Pinkie soon breaks the silence.

"That sound silly, Nonny! How can you pilot a planet?"

You have a hand in dismissal, walking away from the group.

"No time to explain, Pinkie Pie. Equestria is dying!"

"Pfhaha! No it's not, Mister Moose!"

You journey on, back turned to the neighsaying ponies. Placing your hands before you, you close your eyes, fingers pointed towards the ground.

"The time has come... for the rings."

Summoned by the powers of plot device, a white setting piece emerges on the ground before you, bearing five rings of different coloured glass and gem.

"I need young ponies to help now, starting with five very special ponies from five corners of Equestria!"

The rings shoot out of the white setting, trails of light from each one spreading across Ponyville.

The Everfree Forest was calm while Zecora sat in her tranquil tree home. As she went to taste soup from the ladle of her newest brew, something metallic met her lips. There, she found a ring, which grew its band to rest upon her golden neck jewelry. A disembodied voice rang out over the forest.

"From Zebrafrica, Zecora! The Power of Earth."

It was break time at the Spa for Lotus Blossom. She lay in the steamy water of their bath house, relaxing the day away. When she reached for her face towel, the found a ring resting atop it. It rose and stretched, find a spot on her neck to rest.

"From Hollow Shades, Lotus Blossom! The Power of Water."

In the tree home library of Twilight Sparkle, Spike was enjoying a snack from his secret stash of gems. He kept them in the locked panel where the Magic Mirror Pool tome used to be. Just as he was about to chomp on another bite, he felt a burp coming on. Strange, he wasn't expecting a letter from Celestia any time soon. He stood up, letting the fiery belch go full blast. What landed in his outstretched claw was no letter, but instead a ring. He found it fit perfectly on one of his claws.

"From dragon lands unknown, Spike! The Power of Fire."

There wasn't much to do today, especially as a little filly lacking in wing power. Scootaloo sat on the branch she had become accustomed to, wasting the day napping and thinking with her similarly haired bird friend. As she began to nod off again, a shrill chirping caught her attention. The bird had reached into its nest, grabbing something glinting in the twigs. Using its beak to pass it over to Scootaloo, it was revealed to be a ring. The ring stretched over Scootaloo's pointed mane and rested on her neck.

"From Vanhoover, Scootaloo! The Power of W-"

"NO ONE'S SUPPOSED TO KNOW THAT! I-I'm from Cloudsdale! CLOUDSDALE!"

"Did you not register for citizenship or something?"

"SHUT UP, VOICE!"

"Okay, uh, from CLOUDSDALE, Scootaloo! The Power of Wind."

"Wind? Did you say wind? I can't even- woah!"

As Scootaloo called on her power, she found herself caught in a small torrent, floating over the ground.

"Mein Führer, I can fly!"

"Yeah OK kid, you're taking up character count."

"Whats cha-"

Meticulous planning would see you gain what you desired. Steady observation, dedicated research, and pristine samples saw your wishes nearly fulfilled. The Human, Anonymous, would be yours, and his hands would never touch another mare again! You went over to your latest set of petri dish experiments to see if his skin follicles had reacted to the love poison proxy chemicals you'd obtained. Placing the dish under a microscope lens for intense detail, you find your vision obstructed through the scope. Something must have been dirty on the bottom lens. Removing your eye from the microscope, you find it wasn't the lens, but in fact a small ring that was on your petri dish. It rose above your head, nestling gently on your horn.

"From Canterlot, Lyra Heartstrings! The Power of Heart! These then are my first Planeteers, the world's greatest hope!"

With that, you teleported the ponies, zebra, and dragon to your location. How? Magic frigging rings. The Mane 6 stared on, continually dumbfounded. You raise your hands high in greeting of your Planeteers.

"Welcome, to H-"

"I KNEW YOU LOVED ME!"

Lyra took your stance as incentive to pounce directly onto you in a hug.

"Wat."

"OHMIGOSH OHMIGOSH I JUST KNEW WE'D BE TOGETHER!"

The green mare started rubbing her face all over your cheeks. This was getting awkard, fast.

"Lyra, you're the Power of Heart. I chose you cuz your name, you know, has 'Heart' in it."

"But Heart means we're feelin the LOOOOVE, right?"

"Uh, well. Lyra, yours is the greatest of power of all, because without a heart to guide them, the other powers are useless. Through you, the others will always be linked, no matter where they are. On the side of good, you are a team. Now and forever, the Planeteers!"

Spike jumps around. "No more background for me, this is gonna be HOT!"

As Spike slams his claws together, his ring reacts, causing a gout of flame to singe his claw.

"YEOUCH!"

Zecora walks over to soothe Spike's injury.

"Be not so hasty at this hour, we must first practice our new found power."

You nod in affirmation. "You're right Zecora. There is no emergency level threat to Equestria, so you should all use this time to train with these new abilities! After all, the power is YOURS!"

The Planeteers talk to one another, sharing different forms of affirmation and excitement. You start walking off with them in tail, abandoning the dumbstruck Mane 6. As you head back into town, Lyra pipes up.

"So...we're still gonna rut, right?"

You grimace, looking down to find her expectant smile.

"Captain Planet does not put out so easily."

"But you willingly placed a ring on my horn! Were MARRIED!"

With that, Lyra hops towards your chest. Not wanting to see the poor mare hurt, you have no choice but to hold her.

"You cannot be serious."

"Till Death Do Us Part, my handsome little human. Equestrian Law!"

"I immediately regret this decision."

____

"Hey all you Planeteers at home! Remember, turn off the faucet between usages, and recycle those plastics! Or else... I'll turn you into a frigging tree. I'm Captain Equestria, mother bucker."

"...I'd like to be a tree."

"Shut up, Flutters."