Playing House

by Midnightshadow

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Romance, Comedy
Length: 3681

AJ and Dash make a repeat trip to Aaaapleoosa, with a side-trip to Neighvada... hilarity ensues.

AJ and Dash make a repeat trip to Aaaapleoosa, with a side-trip to Neighvada… hilarity ensues.

A drunken escapade, a long train-ride home, some difficulties with paperwork…

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-01-11 12:47:29 UTC

Playing House

Playing House

by Midnight Shadow

An AJ x Dash Shipfic set in the MLP:FiM universe

***

        The train pulled into the station with a hiss of released pressure and the ring of a bell. It only took a few minutes for the teamsters to switch, the engine to refuel and then it would be off. It was the late-night postal run for packages that Equestrians didn’t trust to dragon-flame, The old red-eye express. Tonight, however, there was to be two extra packages onboard.

The two packages, well sozzled, approached the station. There was giggling and singing and dancing, and hurling. Apple-family parties were well-known for the copious amounts of moonshine and this one in Appleloosa had been no exception.

“Ah cain’t let mah fav’rit cuz leave without a taste of our newest brew now, can I? What sort of impression would y’all have of aaaaaapple-loosa if’n I did that?” Braeburn had said, sliding two overfull mugs to the blue, rainbow-haired pegasus filly and the orange earth-pony with the shocking blonde mane and tail. Rainbow Dash had looked at it carefully and then sipped it demurely before finishing the cup, which had rapidly refilled. AJ had knocked it back in one and been given a similar treatment. Several hours later, the pair were three sheets to the wind and in that delightful fog between passing out and not being quite drunk enough to pass out when mistakes are made but nopony really seems to care.

The perfect end to the perfect business trip - Applejack to see her cousin and Dash to scout the new planting valley.

They found the right station. They even found the right train, technically, but several hours and several drinks later they realised just where they’d gone wrong. Right train, wrong direction.

        “Hey AJ? I don’t think that’s Ponyville...”

        AJ smooshed her head up against the glass and peered out into the suddenly brightly-lit night, “Cornsarnit, Dash, that’s Reign! Reign, Neighvada. We’re plum hours the wrong way!”

        “Did you say Reign?” Dash leapt a little unsteadily to the window, pushing AJ out of the way, “I’ve always wanted to go there! I’ve got a purse full’o bits and my wings are tired, AJ. I need more lubrication. luuuuuuuubrication!” said Dash, giggling, slapping AJ on the backside with her tail, “Come ooonnnn AJ! Just this once! Now we’re here - or what are you, a fraidy-foal? We’ve open-ended tickets, we can take the right train back tomorrow!”

        “Well...” AJ’s eyes were a little unfocused, but the blue filly’s enthusiasm was catching, “well alright then! But only a little while!”

        “Yes!” said Rainbow Dash, and she ushered her friend out into the bright, bustling streets of the metropolis in search of excitement.

***

        Dash opened her eyes...and then shut them again. The world was spinning, “Ooohhh by Luna's Mane and Celestia's Beard...my head.”

        “Sugarcube?” came a plaintive cry, “Can...can you keep it down? Ah'm tryin' ta die quietly like.”

        “Did we get on the right train this time?”

        “I dunno...I dun care...lemme be, Dash, or so help me I'll...oh lawd...” Applejack got to her hooves, swaying, and headed to the head. There were unpleasant retching noises followed by the sounds of flushing and mouth-washing and a much greener and somewhat cleaner Applejack re-emerged into the dimly-lit sleeper car, “I do declare, Rainbow Dash, next time you get some damned fool idea to wet mah whistle in Neighvada, so help me I'm gonna staple yer wings together and post you home in a box.”

        “Don't blame me, AJ, that was all your Apple moonshine's fault. Besides, we're here aren't we?”

        Applejack slumped onto the bed and stared at the wall, zoning out for a few minutes, before she shook her head lightly, “Okay sugar, how 'bout this? Next time you drag us to Neighvada, I staple your wings. Next time I drag us to Braeburn’s, you hog tie me, deal?”

        “Deal.”

        They sat, or more accurately slumped, swaying in the gentle motion of the train-car. Ordinarily this would have been comforting, as it were they wished it would stop. It was hard to tell what was in their heads and what we really happening – and since neither head nor tail agreed, their stomachs were protesting.

        “We in one piece at least, Dash?”

        “I think so...My bag, your bag...presents...a hoof-band...”

        Applejack tilted her head, “A what-now?”

        “Heh, it looks...it looks kinda like...oh no.” Dash's heart sunk as she examined the item of jewelry on her left fore-hoof. It was silver, or silvery at least, a solid band of metal perched just above her fetlocks.

        “Like whut?”

        “AJ, don't you have wedding bands where you come from?”

        “Weeelll...t'ain't really no thang that...wait, you tellin' me you got married?”

        “I...hehe...I certainly hope not.” Dash eased it off suspiciously and peered at it with bleary, blood-shot eyes.

        “What's it say, sugar?”

        “To...my...one...and...only...oh no.”

        “To your oh-no?”

        “To my one and only Apple Pie.”

        AJ raised an eyebrow, “Apple Pie? Who in tarnation...oh no. Oooohhhhh no. No. Not hap'nin'.”

        “Relax, relax,” laughed Dash nervously, “it's not like I see a wedding band on your hoof.”

        “That's cos ah'm allergic to most metal they use in them sortsa things, Dashie.”

        “OOORRRRR...or...you don't have one. And this is just a silly...”

        “Yeah! Yeah, Ah'm sure t'ain't no thang.”

        They looked at each other for a moment.

        “The luggage.” they both decided.

        Applejack opened her bag experimentally, “Oh lawdy, Dash, what'd we go an' do now?”

        “I...er...hehe...good morning misses Apple-Dash.”

***

        Dash paced backwards and forwards as Twilight looked at the marriage agreement, “I'm sorry,” said the purple unicorn, “this is legitimate. Recognized by the Celestial Court of Reign, Neighvada, as a fully binding and legal civil union between two consenting adult ponies.

        “Consentin’? Cornsarnit, Twi, we were drunk!”

        “Absolutely shnozzled.” agreed Dash.

        Twilight shook her head, “Drunk or not, you signed it, you’re married.”

        “Can you get us out of it?”

        “Well, neither of you two are pregnant, and...uh...are unlikely to be so by each other. Tell me,” Twilight blushed, “did you...uh...consummate?”

        “I drank a whole bunch, Twilight,” said Rainbow Dash, “that’s why we’re in this mess!”

        Applejack whipped Dash with her tail, “she means did we do it.”

        “I dunno,” said Dash thoughtfully, “I was really pretty dru-”

        Applejack kicked Dash, “WHY NO DASH, I DON’T THINK WE DID.” she growled, between clenched teeth.

        “Er, hehe, I don’t think so either.” Dash blushed.

        “Then there’s no problem. All you need is to complete an E51-11 counter-signed by an appropriate official of your home district - I think I qualify - and we can have this whole mess sorted out in three to six months.”

        “THREE TO SIX MONTHS!?” yelled Dash and AJ together.

        “It would be quicker, but it seems you’ve completed your tax returns based upon your joint finances - I must say this is stellar work. Who did you get to do it?”

        “Whut?” asked AJ, raising an eyebrow and snatching at one of the pages with a hoof.

        “Oh yes, you’ve moved a steady endowment from the Dash estate into the Apple estate, cementing a sizeable proportion in a trust-fund for Apple Bloom, at the same time lowering both your tax-rates in a neat little trade-off come write-off package taking advantage of your status as a married couple which will mutually benefit both families and especially Apple Bloom when she decides to go to college...oh! And I see you’ve put her down for the advance-notice list and prepared another tax-reduction write-off endowment for Canterlot Municipal University...are you sure you want to get divorced?”

        Applejack blinked, head swimming, “I sure as sugar never filled out no tax return... I wonder who... Rainbow Dash...!”

        Dash blushed, “I...er...always was better at accounting when under the influence. I take after my dad.”

        “Your dad was an accountant?”

        “No, he was a drunk. He was the bursar for some university for a few years and I guess he picked it up there. I picked it up from him.”

        “You mean you got our Apple Bloom enrolled in university with a yearly endowment whilst drunk?”

        “...Apparently?”

        “Rainbow Dash, if we get out of this with the skin on our backs, I’m so going to kill you.”

        “Well do you want to think on it?” asked Twilight.

        “Nuh-uh,” said Applejack, “as much as I care for my sister, I can work something out myself. I don’t need no charity.”

        “It’s not charity between friends.” said Twilight, disapprovingly.

        “It’s not charity when we’re married either.” said Dash, sulking.

        “Not helping, Dash.” said Applejack.

***

        “Okay,” said Twilight, hoofing the paper over, “I’ve filled out the forms, all you two have to do is sign.”

        “Sure we ain’t gonna get in more trouble?”

        “No, no - this is a pretty standard occurence really. You’d not believe how many times I saw this Canterlot. The only thing that worries me slightly is you’re missing form 12B.”

        “What’s that?” asked Dash.

        “Oh, it’s probably nothing, it’s an optional form about dependants, and that doesn’t apply to Apple Bloom since she’s your sister - unless you’ve got kids I don’t know about!”

        “Hehe,” said Dash, “don’t worry about that. I don’t think I’m the type for kids.”

        “And Apple Bloom is more’n enough fer me an’ Big Mac. I can’t say wouldn’t be nice to hear the clip-clop of little hooves, but...” Applejack shrugged and smiled.

        “Well alright then,” said Twilight as she took the forms back, “in a few weeks we should get the reply - probably by letter but they’ll send a representative if there’s anything they want clearing up - and a few weeks after that with any luck, you’ll no longer be misses and misses Apple-Dash.”

***

        Dash lounged on AJ’s sofa. She played with the wedding band with a sigh. It was quite pretty, all said and done. She’d never really contemplated marriage, and wondered what the service had been like. She’d found the receipt for the ‘Hoofalot Love-Struck Motel and Wedding-Chapel’ in her bags, along with the receipt for the wedding bands - they said no returns and she wondered idly how binding that was as Applejack stomped to and fro in the den. They’d got a letter the previous day, addressed to ‘Misses and Misses Apple-Dash’ - inside was a summons to appear at the family residence at twelve o’clock sharp. Dash eyed the clock on the wall as the second hand sliced apart what were hopefully the moments of their joint lives together. It was almost time.

        "That summons ain't nothing but a phoney! What could they want from us?" raged AJ nervously.

"I don't know AJ, seemed pretty legit to me-" began Rainbow Dash,  but she was silenced by the clock striking twelve. Before the last bell from the antique clock faded, there was a knock on the door, it shocked them into silence.

                            Applejack shivered and turned to the front door, Dash followed. Outside were two earth-ponies; one, a stallion, holding a small basket in his mouth. The other was an officious-looking older mare.

"Is this the Apple-Dash residence?" she asked.

"This here's Sweet Apple Acres-" began Applejack, with a weak smile on her muzzle.

"Just a yes or a no, madame.”

“Well yes. We’ve been waiting for you...it’s about our marriage...”

“Indeed,” said the mare primly, “we've got the foal you applied for.”

"FOAL?" Dash's eyes bugged out, her wings half-spreading in shock, "we didn't ask for a-"

"This IS your hoof-mark, right here, Misses Apple-Dash?"

"The name's..." began Dash

"According to this, you two are Misses and Misses Apple-Dash and this bundle of joy is young Apple-Dash Junior. On behalf of Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, we wish to formally congratulate you on your new arrival. You are free to name him, just deliver the paperwork filled out within the week if you wish to avoid a repeat visit. Good Day.”

With that, the wicker basket was placed on the floor and the pair turned tail and trotted officiously away. The basket started mewling, almost like a kitten, before the mewls got louder and more raucous.

Long seconds went by as Dash and Applejack just stared at each other, before Dash looked down at the squalling infant.

"AJ, a baby? You? Me? I mean..us? I dont know the first thing about a baby!"

Applejack looked down long and hard at the basket which was now rocking to and fro, four little hooves poking out from under a blanket, "Aww sugar, can't be that hard...jus'...food in one end and it comes out t'other"

        “We can’t keep it!”

        “Ain’t sure if’n we got a choice, Misses Apple-Dash.”

        “We’re getting a divorce!”

        “And leave Junior to a broken home? No! No, this changes everything.”

        “Applejaaaaaccckkk!”

        “Okay, you can take the guest room - it’s big enough for you an’ the baby.” said Applejack as she returned, nuzzling the foal that Dash was trying to calm down with the bottle of formula that had been in the basket with him.

        “Wait, what?” Dash eyed Applejack with a frown, “Why have I got to take the baby?”

        “Well, cos you’re the one who’ll be nursing her.”

        “Woah woah woah, I’m not...that’s not me, AJ! I don’t...nurse. I’m not the mommy type!” Dash pointed at herself with a hoof, beating her chest.

        “Well it can’t be me!” said AJ

        “Can to! You’re all... earth-pony-y and all that! You’re good with kids! You’ve got Apple Bloom and everything!”

        “T’ain’t that simple Dash!”

        “Horse feathers it isn’t! I’m not doing it!”

        “You are. I cain’t!”

        “Why not?” Dash pouted.

        “Cos my farm’s jus’ got me an’ Big Mac and I cain’t stop apple-bucking and you cain’t start! Your weather patrol’s got more’n half a dozen flyers up there flittin’ about an’ I know for a fact you ain’t taken no holiday for years. You gotta have months of flexi-time!” Applejack glared at Rainbow Dash whose muzzle was darker than a thundercloud as she tried to find her way out of it.

        “But...”

        “But nothing. I’m better at applebucking and I sure as sugar cain’t fly. That leaves you.”

        The pair stared at each other, frowning, until the foal burped, breaking the deadlock, “That’s not fair, AJ.”

        “Life ain’t fair, Dash, get used to it. Y’all gonna take care o’junior whilst I’m gonna git to Zecora’s. We’re gonna need a little something extra to make this work, Junior’s gonna need plenty of love and you’re gonna be the one to give it. Now git!”

        “AJ! I don’t know how to...”

        “Don’t gimme none o’that, Dash. Take Junior and relax, he’s tired an’ hungry an’ might need to go outside. I’ll be back later, ain’t more’n a half hour from here to Zecora’s hut.”

        “But...”

        “Bah!” said AJ as she danced out the door. It slammed. The foal started wailing again.

Dash looked down at junior and sighed, “What am I gonna do with you huh, pipsqueak?”

The foal looked up and immediately stopped crying. He gurgled and waved his forehooves at the blue creature holding him in a sling around it’s neck. They connected.

“Ooof! You kick like a mule, kid, knock it off!” said Dash, and tapped the foal on the forehead. The foal wailed loudly and struggled.

“Oh, oh, no, oh geez, it wasn’t supposed to...hurt...oh, so Junior’s a unicorn, huh?” Dash trotted to a sofa and flopped carefully onto it, back to the room. She pulled the foal out of the sling and arrange him on her forehooves, “Let’s take a look at you.”

The foal was small, he was days or weeks old only. He was strong, strong enough to move around on his own and wind Dash with a kick from his hind hooves. His coat was a shiny coal black and his eyes were dark purple. His stubby mane and tale were a soft dark blue, almost purple. With a single white sock on his left front forehoof being the only other visible distinguishing feature, his horn had escaped notice until now.

Dash looked bleary-eyed at the front door, then bent her head and nuzzled Junior in the belly, blowing a raspberry, “Not so tough now, huh?”

The baby’s eyes went wide with shock and then creased up with laughter. He giggled. Dash did it again, eliciting howls of laughter. Dash’s softly down-coated nose tickled, and her warm breath was comforting. The foal fastened his legs around dash’s muzzle and he started to chew on the pegasus’ long face.

“Knock it off!” scolded Dash, but she relented when the foal started to choke and grizzle again, “hey, hey, kid, I didn’t mean that...come on, mama’s here...kinda. I wonder what happened to them? Waht happened to your real parents, huh?”

Dash sunk her head towards the foal to once more be chewed on and nuzzled, “Guess you can stay with us for a while, drooly, but I have got to get AJ to find you a pacifier and a teething-ring.” she nudged the foal with a hoof, tickling him, once more eliciting laughter. The foal stopped, and yawned.

“Tired?” asked Dash, not that she got an answer. She just pulled the foal closer, “I guess you can nap here. I’m good at napping, I’ll be able to teach you that, at least.”

Dash watched the foal as he curled up under ‘mommys’ chin, kicking his legs weakly until he was comfortable, and until his breathing slowed and his eyes closed.

“Heh, guess I don’t have much to teach,” Dash yawned, “well, I’ll beat you at naptimes still.”

Dash closed her eyes, yawning, and settled herself so Junior was unable to roll off onto the floor. this counted as babysitting, probably. It was going to be a cinch.

***

        Dash was flying, high above Ponyville. she looked up and the sky turned black, diamonds shone in the infinite reaches. She powered her wings upwards, pulling herself through the air until Ponyville disappeared beneath her, nothing but a dot. She looked around, she could see for miles and miles. Canterlot, Stalliongrad, The Golden Archipelago, the Griffin Reaches... but still she wanted more. She swept her wings back, flapped them... but something was wrong. There was an iron ball and change around her leg.

        “Huh? Where’d that...”

        The ball and chain grew heavier, there was a strange black creature holding on to it. Dash flapped her wings, but started to fall.

        “No!” she cried, “no! get off! I’m going to...I can’t!”

        “Can’t what?” asked another voice. Dash looked down, there was AJ! She was sitting on the now spiked ball and chain, looking calmly up at her as the black creature flowed up towards her leg...it grabbed on to her leg and bit. It felt like rubber. Dash flipped her leg about weakly, “get off! Let go! We’re falling! Don’t you care?”

        “It’s okay, Rainbow Dash, Rainbow Dash, Rainbow Dash... Rainbow Dash!”

        “Rainbow Dash!” shouted AJ, nudging the pegasus, whose eyes flipped open with a start. She blinked.

        “Wha’? Huh? Who?”

        “Rainbow, hon, you okay? You looked like you were having a spot of...oh now, Dash, ain’t that sweet? Bet it jus’ felt a little weird, huh? But you thought you’d let him try?”

        Rainbow blinked, looking up at the earth pony, before following her gaze down towards her crotch. There, nestled snug in her hind legs, was a pitch-black shape, mouthing ineffectually, looking for something. The foal found what he was looking for and locked on with a fierce intensity. Dash’s eyes went wide and her face made an ‘O’.

        “I...uh...” she recovered slowly, coughing to get her voice under control.

        “I’m glad, Dash, I thought we’d get into a fight about this. YOu know, with you all ‘oh no, ah ain’t gonna do it!’ an’ I’d hafta be ‘oh yes you will, Dash, ain’t no Apple progeny goin’ without real mare’s milk’ and then we’d fight an’ the baby would scream an’... Rainbow?”

        The light blue pegasus was still staring at the nursing foal, trying to pull together the fragments of her dream and the strangely unsettling reality. She turned to look up at AJ, “What?”

        “I got the stuff, Dash. Y’all gotta drink this, every night until it settles. I made some up at Zecoras and took it to Twilight to give it a little kick.”

        “You gave it to Twilight?!”

        “Yeah, she was mighty proud of you, Dash, doin’ all this for a wee bundle of fluff like that...”

        “Proud...yeah...”

        “So drink up!”

        “Wait, what? What’s it gonna do?”

        “If’n you don’t drink these, it’ll take days for the milk to rise, we ain’t got that long. Do you know how much baby formula costs? Zecora owes me a few, this brew’ll bring ya to the boil in next to no time.”

        Dash blinked, “if you think I’m letting some ragamuffin horn-swaddled...”

        “Rain-bow-DASH! I will not have you talk about our son like that!”

        “Horsefeathers, AJ! This is a big joke! A mistake! He isn’t anything to us! He’s a mistake!”

        “T’ain’t his mistake,” said AJ quietly, “ain’t right to make him pay for it. We gotta make good on this. I’ll... I’ll sort it out, but... don’t take it out on him? It’ll only be for a few days. Couple weeks tops! Then he’ll be out of our manes and we can go back to bein’ just Dash and AJ again.”

        Dash ground her teeth, but looked down, “Give me hte damn potion.” Dash took the bottle in her muzzle, “up yer bottoms,” and downed it in one. She hiccupped. The baby started mewling. dash stretched and carefully nuzzled the foal out of the way so she could stand up, “your turn.”

        “Whaddaya mean my turn? I jus’ been hot-hoofin’ it all the way to Zecora’s an’ back! I need a rest!”

        “Then relax! With Dash Junior!” said Dash, and she leaped out the door in a flurry of wings and mane before AJ could stop her.

        “That’s Apple Junior to you!” shouted the orange mare from the doorway angrily at the retreating blue speck. She screwed up her face and scowled, slamming the door closed. The baby started to howl again.