Christmas Critters

by The Good Dark Lord

Rating: mature
Tags: Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark, Comedy, Angel, Fluttershy, Random, Pinkie Pie, Crossover, Twilight Sparkle
Length: 2784

Every few years Fluttershy and Angel have to save Equestria from the satanic Christmas Critters.

A little known fact that few ponies are aware of is that every few years a cult of Satanist Christmas Critters come to Equestria to try to resurrect the Anti- Christ. The only reason they have not succeeded yet is because of the valiant efforts of Fluttershy, and her loyal sidekick Angel. But this time, the Critters have a few tricks up their sleeves...

Rated Mature for swearing, gore, and offensive topics. This IS a South Park crossover, after all.

Published 2012-12-06 07:00:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-06 07:00:02 UTC

Fluttershy and Angel vs. The Christmas Critters

It was a beautiful winter day. The sun was bright but by no means hot, the snow had a nice gleam to it, and it wasn't cold enough to the point where your genitals would freeze up and you had to thaw them out in hot water. Nope, it was a perfect winter day, and everypony was happily enjoying it.

Everypony, that is, except for Fluttershy.

Now normally the adorable little pegasus would be enjoying the fairly pleasant weather, but not this year.

This year, they were coming.

Every four years, on the twenty fifth of the last month of the year, a cult of the most absolutely vile and disgusting animals came out from the depths of Tartarus, or "Hell", as they called it, to attempt the resurrection of their evil god: Satan. They called themselves "The Christmas Critters".

When Fluttershy had first met them, a long time ago when she was just a little filly, she honestly did not know what to make of them. The Critters were arguably some of the cutest animals she had ever met in her entire life, and yet they were evil. Pure evil. Her first encounter was a simple and pleasant conversation, and lots of cuddling. But later she discovered them trying to sacrifice Pinkie Pie. She had tried to use The Stare on them, but their satanic laser beams proved to be too powerful. In fact, the only reason she had escaped with her life was because of Angel's timely intervention.

Four years later, the had returned. Then another four years, and another four...

The best solution would have been to simply kill the Critters, but, dammit she was Fluttershy for crying out loud! She couldn't kill anything! No, she and Angel had a perfectly reliable strategy for driving the Critters off. Said strategy? Scare them off with lots of gunfire.

**********

Angel lifted up the floorboards of Fluttershy's house. He and Fluttershy both reached down, grabbed a hidden box, and lifted it up. Fluttershy took off the top and reached inside. She pulled out a Desert Eagle.

"Oh, do please be careful." Fluttershy nervously said as she handed the weapon to an excited Angel.

He quickly swiped the gun out from her hooves and examined it with manic glee. Then he frowned. He glared at Fluttershy and pointed at the bottom.

"Oh! Ammo, of course! Sorry..." She reached into the box and pulled out the appropriate ammo for Angel's favorite toy. Angel loaded the magazine until it was full and slid it neatly into the gun. He looked upon it with great care.

Fluttershy retrieved her own gun, a twelve gauge shotgun, and nervously loaded it with ammo. "Now remember Angel, safeties on until we see them, okay?"

Angel rolled his eyes, but nodded in acknowledgment.

The made their way for the door. Fluttershy hated doing this every four years, scaring off all the animals, evil or not, but it had to be done. And the loud noises of their guns going off always scared her. In contrast, Angel loved doing this job. The opportunity to scare the piss out of other animals he didn't like? With a deadly weapon? With Fluttershy's permission? BUCK. YEAH.

Fluttershy opened the door, and she and Angel stepped outside.

Almost immediately they both received a shovel to the face.

**********

Fluttershy became faintly aware of the cold. Her eyes fluttered open. She was tied up in some rope in a dark cave. Next to her was Angel, who was also awake, and trying with all his bunny might to wriggle free of his bonds. He was shouting lagomorphian swears of such vulgarity that Fluttershy was speechless at the fact that Angel knew such words.

"Now, now, y'all. There ain't no need for that kind of talk around this time o' year."

For a moment Fluttershy thought it was Applejack, but then she realized that the voice was too... high pitched.

"Oh no..." She fearfully whispered.

"Oh yes!" Multiple cheery voices replied.

Out from the darkness came... The Christmas Critters.

Their dreadful names were Squirrely the squirrel, Rabbity the rabbit, Beavery the beaver, Beary the bear, Porcupiney the porcupine, Skunky the skunk, Foxy the fox, Deery the deer, Woodpeckery the woodpecker, Mousey the mouse, and Chickadeey the chickadee. Oh and there was also some raccoon with them, but his name has been lost to the depths of time and shall forever remain a mystery.

"How did you get us?!" Fluttershy said.

"We deduced that you would be waiting for us," Mousey clarified, "And so we came early so as to keep you out of the way."

Angel said something in lagomorphian.

Rabbity gave a cheerful chuckle. "Oh Angel, always the smart ass, aren't ya?"

"Are you gonna kill us?!" Fluttershy asked.

"Kill you? We're not gonna kill you!" Squirrely said, shocked.

Fluttershy felt a faint glimmer of hope. "You're not?"

"Of course not! First, we'll resurrect the Anti- Christ. And then we'll rape you, then we'll kill you. And then we'll rape you again while using your blood as lubricant!"

Fluttershy broke down crying.

"Do please shut up." Deery nicely said as she punched Fluttershy in the mouth, chipping some of her teeth. She spat out some blood.

Angel's eyes turned red and he began thrashing about more madly than ever before in his entire life. Beary firmly pressed his foot down upon the rabbit, pinning him to the ground.

"And as for you, after we're done raping Fluttershy's dead body, which we will make you watch by the way, we'll eat you alive as a celebratory meal! Doesn't that sound nice?" Beary explained to Angel with a sweet smile.

"Awww, but I wanted to be the celebratory meal!" Rabbity pouted.

"There's always next year." Beavery said to his glum friend with a pat on the back. Rabbity smiled and nodded.

"C'mon y'all, we best get started if we wanna bring forth Satan!" Squirrely announced. The Christmas Critters all gave a cheer and turned to leave the cave.

"You'll never succeed!" Fluttershy defiantly cried out, tears streaming from her eyes. Angel silently glared in hate.

Only Porcupiney, who was pregnant with the Anti- Christ, stopped and turned. "Oh now don't you go worrying your head off about things that won't happen, Fluttershy. Once Lord Satan has risen, we'll make sure to remember to come back for you."

She left.

**********

Twilight Sparkle had a brisk spring in her step as she trotted down the snowy streets of Ponyville. Winter Wrap Up was in a month, but she had already perfectly planned out and organized everything. All according to plan.

Then she heard cheerful singing.

Ahead of her she noticed a group of woodland animals merrily singing among each other.

"Talking animals? Fascinating. I gotta know how they're talking!" Twilight thought to herself. She approached the critters.

"Hi there!" The critters cheerfully said to her.

"Why hello there!" Twilight responded. "My name's Twilight Sparkle, who are you?"

"We're the Christmas Critters!"

"That's nice. Now would you mind answering some questions-"

"Would you like to help us resurrect our Lord and Savior?"

"...Uh... what?"

"Please! You have to help us!" Foxy pleaded on his knees before Twilight. "If somebody doesn't help us, our Lord will die! We don't have much time until Porcupiney gives birth!"

Twilight was at a loss for words. "Well gee, I- I uh, sure?"

"She agrees!" Mousey cried out. "Quickly now, I deduce that we don't have much time."

The Christmas Critters ran off, a confused and unsure Twilight following close behind.

**********

Pinkie Pie was in Sugarcube Corner. She omn'd the cupcake on the table. Pinkie swallowed the treat in one gulp and leaned back on her chair, perfectly relaxed. She picked up a glass of chocolate milk and began gulping it down.

Then, from outside Sugarcube Corner, she heard singing. Awfully familiar singing...

Pinkie did an epic spit take. "PFFFFFFFFFFFFFT!" Chocolate milk sprayed everywhere. "Oh no. Nonononononononono." She looked out the window, desperately hoping that what she thought she heard was not so.

Passing by just outside were those damned Christmas Critters. And Twilight was with them! She was tagging along with them, just as Pinkie herself had tagged along so many years ago...

"This is really, really bad!" Pinkie said to herself. "I have to find Fluttershy!"

**********

Fluttershy and Angel sat there in the cave, hopeless, and defeated. This is that part in just about every goddamn story where the protagonist is at an emotional low, and everything's all quiet and tense. And then out of nowhere there's a ray of hope, and the hero gains the resolve to finally defeat the villain. The hope regarding this fic? Pinkie Pie.

"Fluttershy! Angel!" Pinkie cried out.

"Pinkie Pie! Oh, are we glad to see you!"

"Here let me get those ropes for you. Oh, and I brought your weapons."

"Pinkie, we have to stop the Christmas Critters before they unleash the Anti- Christ!"

"I know! And they have Twilight!"

"...What..."

"They're going to use her as Satan's vessel!"

"...Bring us to them."

"Yep!"

"Oh, and if you don't mind me asking Pinkie, how did you find us? I mean, there weren't any clues to our location."

"Nah, ah, ah Fluttershy. You forgot the one rule of Pinkie Logic: Never question Pinkie Logic."

**********

It was night out now, and Fluttershy, Angel, and Pinkie had been walking through the Everfree Forest for about ten minutes when they came across the Christmas Critters in a small open clearing. The satanists were gathered around a makeshift manger that currently housed a squirming piece of flesh.

"CRUSH! KILL! DESTROY! SWAG!" The little shit spawn bastard that was the Anti- Christ screamed out in malice and hate.

"There they are!" Fluttershy said.

Just ten feet away from the manger was Twilight Sparkle. She was tied down to a stone slab with evil satanic markings on it. "Fluttershy! Pinkie Pie! What's going on?!" Twilight cried out.

"It's Critter Christmas Twilight, it sucks ass!" Pinkie explained.

"The Anti- Christ has been born, now the time of darkness has begun!" Rabbity happily said. Then he felt somebody tap him on the shoulder. "Huh?"

Rabbity turned around to see Angel. Who was smirking.

Angel brought out two sharpened carrots from behind his back, and stabbed them into Rabbity's eyes.

"GAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!"

But Angel didn't stop. He kept a firm grip on the carrots, and pushed further. Their ends emerged from the back of Rabbity's head. Angel then pushed forward, causing Rabbity to fall backward. The tips of the carrots dug themselves into the dirt, pinning Rabbity's corpse to the ground.

The other Christmas Critters screamed and scattered.

But they weren't gonna get away so easily. Fluttershy whipped out her shotgun and fired upon them. The heads of Beavery, Deery, Skunky, and that nameless raccoon exploded in a shower of gore.

Pinkie ran over to Twilight and began untying her. As she did so she spoke to Fluttershy. "Hey Fluttershy, why did you just sparatically decide to start killing them, when you could have done so all along?"

"Well, at first I just wanted to keep them at bay, you know? But now that they've actually succeeded, there's only one way to make sure this never happens again."

"Wow, that's pretty dark for you."

Squirrely's eyes began to glow a demonic red, and a wall of fire appeared before Fluttershy.

"EEP!"

But she had to be brave. Fluttershy leaped over the wall of fire, rolled across the ground, and aimed her shotgun at Squirrely.

The end of the barrel of her gun was literally one inch away from Squirrely's nose.

His eyes widened in shock. "Aw, you fucking cu-"

*BANG*

Porcupiney, Mousey, and Chickadeey all rushed Angel, laser beams shooting from their eyes. The little bunny quickly whipped out his beloved Desert Eagle and dropped Porcupiney and Chickadeey in two shots. Mousey tackled Angel and tried to viciously tear out the bunny's throat with his teeth. Angel held him back, and then headbutted him, shattering Mousey's glasses.

Mousey teetered back, blinking his eyes as they tried to adjust to the blurriness of bad eyesight(lol wtf).

Angel took advantage of this and used it to grab one of the glass shards. Angel dashed forward and slashed the glass blade across Mousey's neck, spilling his blood.

Mousey grabbed his throat in pain. "GRGLBLARRABLABLA!" He fell backward, and died.

Fluttershy pulled the trigger again, but all she got was a *click*. "Oh no! I'm out of ammo!"

Foxy and Woodpeckery came running at her. Fluttershy screamed just as they were going to get her, when Angel threw a ninja star at Woodpeckery, cutting the bird in half. Both Fluttershy and Foxy stopped and looked in surprise.

"Oh yeah that's right, we have melee weapons!" Fluttershy exclaimed, suddenly remembering that she had a gator machete. She raised the machete and brought it down on Foxy's head, splitting his skull and brain in half.

"Well, looks like it's up to me." Beary said as he picked up the Anti- Christ. With surprising speed, Beary rushed over to Pinkie and Twilight, shoved aside the earth pony, and forcibly pressed the Anti- Christ against Twilight's chest.

Twilight stared in horror. "What the buck are you- HURRRAAAAAAAAAAAAAAWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!"

The Anti- Christ had possessed Twilight Sparkle.

"Hooray!" Beary said. "The time of the Anti- Christ has come! Time for a celebration!" He turned to Angel. "C'mere..."

At first Angel looked horrified, but then a little light bulb went off in his head, and he evilly grinned. Angel ran forward, determination on his face. Beary ran forward too, his jaws agape. Angel leaped into the air, and landed perfectly in Beary's mouth. Beary swallowed him whole.

"ANGEL!" Fluttershy screamed, tears flowing from her eyes. "NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Beary gave a belch. "Now that's good eating!" Then he started laughing. "Heh, heh, heh hahaha! HAHAHA! HAHA-" Beary stopped.

Beary stood there, frozen in place. Suddenly, his eyes rolled up, and blood started spraying out from his mouth like a hose. The fat ursine fell forward onto his stomach, dead. Movement could be seen coming from his mid section. Said movement began working its way up to Beary's neck and revealed itself when it crawled out of his mouth. It was Angel. Soaked in Beary's blood. And he had an insane grin on his face.

Fluttershy and Pinkie both gave a sigh of relief.

Then everypony remembered that Twilight was still possessed by the Devil.

"Vengeance... is mine." Twi- Satan said in a G Major voice.

"Release her, hellspawn!" Fluttershy cutely demanded.

"Heh, heh, pathetic. Even now, at the end, you mortals continue to resist? In that case, I shall make you suffer for eternity- NO! You will not touch them!" Twilight cried out, fighting for control over her body. "Quickly, get the Anti- Christ out of me! Hurry- SUBMIT! I will not be denied by the lapdog of that false goddess!- Don't you dare talk about Princess Celestia like that!- Ooooooh, I'm soooooo scared- You better be!- Pft. Or what?- Or I'll blast you!- Wouldn't that technically count as suicide?- BUCK IT! Girls, get him out of me! NOW!"

Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie tackled Twilight and held her down to the ground. "So... what now?" Pinkie asked.

"Now we perform an abortion." Fluttershy coldly explained.

"But whose gonna do it?"

"Angel will, of course."

Everypony looked to Angel, who had unsheathed his sharp little bunny claws.

"This might hurt a little bit Twilight." Fluttershy said to her friend. "Now spread your legs."

Twilight nervously gulped, and spread her legs. Angel hopped up to her, and punched his paw into Twilight's va- bow chicka wow wow -na. Twilight gave a supressed scream/ gasp. Angel dug around a little bit, and finally pulled out what he was looking for: The Anti- Christ.

Angel then carried the Anti- Christ over to a tree stump and set it down upon it. He then picked up a sledgehammer and brought it down upon the demon, smashing it into a splattery red pulp.

The four stood there in silence for a few moments... taking in what just happened in the last few hours.

"It's over..." Fluttershy quietly said. "...It's done."

"Yes Fluttershy, yes it is." Twilight said in agreement, who was noticeably not at all traumatized by the fact that she was just possessed by the Hebrew/ Jewish/ Christian/ Catholic Lord of Evil.

"Do you know what this calls for? A PARTY!" Pinkie happily exclaimed.

"Actually," Fluttershy said, "I think it would be best if we never mentioned this to anypony or to ourselves ever again."

"...Yeah, that sounds better."

Angel nodded in agreement.

The End