Finding Self

by Nuggetking

Rating: everyone
Tags: Adventure
Length: 4270

The story of Sivad and his quest to find out who, and what he really is...

Journal entry 1. 12-2-12.
"My name is Sivad. I'm living with my Mom, Elise, and my Dad, Sagan in Watercrest Bay. My Mom is a Pegasus, and has a musical talent, and can play pretty much any instrument. My Dad is an Earthpony, and has a talent of science and intelligence. So my Mom is a Pegasus, and my Dad is an Earthpony…What am I? Well, I actually have both of my parents' talents.Music and Science. And I'm a Unicorn"

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-12 06:29:21 UTC

Entry 1: Introduction

"Sivad, could you come help with the groceries?" Sivad looked up when he heard his Moms' voice. He went over to the door, and sure enough, his Mom apparantly went shopping, and from the looks of it, she had way too much to carry. Perplexed, Sivad asked "How exactly did you get all of this home?...And where's Dad?" His mother grinned at him. "He came with me." She gestured with her wing over to the road, and sure enough, his father came into view. He was pulling a cart filled with more groceries. Sivad gave her an accusing look. "Don't look at me like that," his mother said, "We both decided that we would each take half of the groceries." Sivad let out a small laugh, "Yeah, but you have wings...And from the looks of it, you got the lighter half." She grinned sheepishly, "Oh, how did that happen?" By this time, Sivads' father arrived. "Well, Elise...I got my half... of the groceries..." That was all he could get out before he fell over from fatigue. In order to break Sivads' attention to her, she quickly added, "Oh! And I got you a little somethin'."

She went over to one of the piles of groceries, and pulled out a journal. "I saw that your grades aren't doing so well, and I think it's because you always keep everything bottled up. So I got you a journal so you can write those feelings down. You can write whatever you need to. Your Dad and I promise not to read it." For proof, she called out, "Right Sagan?" and somewhere beneath the groceries, a voice said "Right. We won't read it...Could somepony get these groceries off me?" Completely ignoring his Dads' calls for assstance, his Mom simply said "See? We promise not to read it. It's for your eyes only." Sivad, to be honest, wasn't really thrilled at the idea, unlike his Mom. He quickly decided that he would write in it, just for her. "Thanks for the journal, Mom." He looked over to the pile his Dad was buried under, "Shouldn't we help him out?" his mom turned towards him, "I'll get it. We can put everything up. After all, we managed to get all the way here by ourselves. You go and write in the journal." Sivad took one last look at the pile, and walked inside.

"Alright then...I now have a journal..." Sivad put the journal down on his desk, grabbed a quill, and began to write.

*****Journal Entry 1. 12-2-12. My Mom brought home a journal for me today, and wanted me to write in it every few days because she thinks I'm bottling up my emotions, and that is the reason for my grades being relatively low this year. While this isn't the reason for my grades being low, I've decided to write anyways. Who knows? Maybe it'll become a habit. At least I can write pretty much whatever I want. Mom and Dad say they won't read it, but I think my Mom will read a bit out of curiousity, so I'm going to hide it. She might stay true to her word, but I'm not taking any chances. I might put a lock on it so nopony else can open and read it. If somepony else finds this journal, and reads what I'm writing, or what I will write, then that wouldn't work out so well for me in the end. I'm going to write in this journal like I would write a story, or a book. That is, after all, what a journal is, isn't it? A story of someponys' life? Besides, I might give this to somepony else so they can read it later on in my life. Or possibly after my life. When I'm dead and gone, somepony might get their hooves on this journal. Of course I'd have to have the journal unlocked so they could read it. I'll figure that out later. Anyways, I guess I should actually write something about myself, shouldn't I?

My name is Sivad. I'm living with my Mom, Elise, and my Dad, Sagan in Watercrest Bay. My Mom is a Pegasus, and has a musical talent, and can play pretty much any instrument. My Dad is an Earthpony, and has a talent of science and intelligence. So my Mom is a Pegasus, and my Dad is an Earthpony...What am I? Well, I actually have both of my parents' talents. Music and Science...And I'm a Unicorn...I can't tell you how many insults I have to deal with on a daily basis, just because of my family. Because they think we're a strange family. (Just for the record, we are a very strange family. But in a fun way) I'm still not completely sure on the "Pegasus + Earthpony = Unicorn" thing yet. It is possible that I'm adopted, I don't know. I haven't really cared much either. My birth hasn't really been much of an issue, especially now that I'm older, and (almost) everypony else has gotten over it. Anyways, back on topic, I have a dark gray coat with a black mane. My horn is also dark gray. My eyes are actually two different colors. One eye is red, and the other is blue. I don't really know why. I honestly think it's pretty cool. My mark is an asteroid with music notes trailing behind it. It's like a combonation of my parents', which is fitting if you ask me. I enjoy science and music. I play several instruments, and I'm amazed at the science of...well, everything! Especially Physics...Astrophysics. Whenever I find myself in a situation, I can think of a song I know that fits the situation. Sometimes I listen to music for guidance. Sometimes the lyrics tell me what do to. At times, when I'm in a terribly depressed mood, in no mood to speak, I use music to speak for me. The lyrics tell others what I'm feeling. Music, and science, are just large parts of my life.

My school-life is fine. I have many friends, and I'm always eager to make more. Although it is kind of hard due to my family. The group of friends I have are the "Smart Asses" Of course we accept the term. We don't really care much about what others may say about us. Insults have never really bothered me, and I've never gotten really angry at somepony else because of insults. I have, however, lost my temper when two Pegasi were pushing me around. So I acted out of anger. One of them got hurt, and the other flew away. But since then, I've never had a serious problem with anypony, except for the occasional insult. I've noticed it's always the same group of ponies who insult me now, so I don't worry about it anymore.

I guess I'm going to continue writing in this journal. Not for venting, but also as a record of my life. Who knows? It could get really interesting. Also, I'd feel terrible if my Mom got me a journal, and I never used it. I'd just feel guilty about it. So tomorrow, the day after, I'll write in this journal. I'm not really on a schedule of any kind, so I guess I'll write when something comes up.*****

Sivad closed the journal, and put it in a drawer. He looked at his clock, and it was already Eleven. "Wow...Time went by fast." He got in his bed, and his heart sank..."Damnit...I have school tomorrow..."

Entry 2: Questions, Ridicule, and Family

Sivad went up to his room, and collapsed on his bed. The schoolday had just ended. He had been insulted throughout the day, and just needed to be alone. Yesterday hadn't been any better. After sitting on his bed for a few minutes, he decided to take out his journal. He took it out of the drawer, along with a quill, and put it on his desk. The first page was used up by his first entry, so he flipped to the next page.

*****Entry 2. 12-4-12.

I don't know why, but this time the insults are actually getting to me. Normally, I would just ignore anything they would say. I think the reason behind this, is because not only are they insulting me, but my friends and parents as well. Usually, they'd just call me a 'freak' because I'm different from my parents. Well, now they insult my friends for associating with me, and my parents for...well, being my parents. It's not like it's their fault anyways. It wasn't their fault their son ended up a Unicorn. They didn't choose what I was going to be. Nopony did...Well, it's either that, or they adopted me.

My parents never really told me. Maybe they didn't think it was important? Maybe they think I already know, or that I don't care? Maybe they're afraid of what my response would be, or that I'm not ready to know yet? I have to ask them about this, but I don't really want to sound like I'm accusing them of hiding something from me (Even though they are) It may be one of those "It's for your own good" things. Regardless, I have to ask them. I have to know. I feel like the whole world knows something that I don't. (Okay, not the whole world, but you know what I mean) My parents just never talked about my birth...Then again, I haven't ever brought this subject to them...They've never told me, because I've never asked! That must be it. I've been overthinking this issue, and missed the obvious answer. I overthink things often. It's a habit that comes with loving science I guess.

It's decided. All I have to do is ask them. I never should have suspected my parents of hiding something from me on purpose. Especially my Dad. He's always been honest with me. Even inappropriately so. To give an example, years ago when I was little, I asked my Dad the question every parent dreads (except him apparently). "Dad, where do baby ponies come from?" He looked at me, not at all surprised, and told me. Like, actually told me. Not the "When a mommy and daddy love each other very much, they make a wish..." or any other copout. He told me the real answer. Why? Because I asked him. So because of my Dads' plain honesty in all things, I was a very educated young colt. He never kept anything from me if I asked, but he didn't feel the need to tell me other things if I didn't ask. It got annoying at times, but I learned quickly to ask about anything and everything. The few times (very few times) he didn't know something, he would get the answer any way he could. Research, experiments, observation, etc. The outcome was always the same. Me getting an answer.

My friends thought I was lucky, and that my Dad would give me all the answers to my homework and stuff. They were wrong. If I asked about homework, then he'd end up saying something clever, and turn the question back at me. Sometimes he'd play dumb and say he didn't know, and once I got the answer, he'd say "Oh. You were talking about that kind of problem? I thought you were talking about something else." Then he'd smile at me, and get back to what he was doing before. He enjoyed messing with me. It'd get annoying very quickly. However, if he saw I was actually struggling with homework, then he wouldn't hesitate to jump in and help...as long as I asked.

My Mom couldn't help me much when it came to school, but she didn't need to. (Dad was the expert on schoolwork) No, my Mom helped me with anything musical. If I was having trouble playing a certain rythm right, or a particular note I couldn't get correctly, she would help me with it. She also helped me emotionally, and was always there to talk to. She didn't need to be asked though (unlike my Dad) she just...knew. I don't really know how, could be "Motherly Instinct".

Which raises the question...If she knows that I talk to her about emotional problems and whatnot, why did she get me this journal?*****

It was a legitimate question for Sivad. What was the point of this journal? His Mom wouldn't be as honest with him as his Dad. 'Ugh...Too many questions, and a shortage of answers' Music. Music was the answer. Sivad would always turn to music when he had alot on his mind, or when he had a problem he couldn't get past. It would make him forget about his problems and the world. Afterwards, he could think clearly and would be able to get past the obstacles in life. Plus, his Mom enjoyed hearing him, as he enjoyed hearing her as well. 'She has a great singing voice' Sivad began to recall moments from years past. 'She used to sing to me. One song in particular. Why did she always choose that song?'

Then he heard a voice coming from the living room. It was his Moms'. She was singing. Sivad immediately recognized the song. It was the song she used to sing to him. "Oh, float away. Known so low, you'd run away. Desolate all, desolate us. No love is lost, you know we're weightless. Climb, under my wing, climb. Grown so slow, and you've run away. Desolate all, I'm sailing away." Sivad could think about nothing else. This was the song they shared.Their song. When she had finished the song, Sivad walked up to her and asked, "Mom, I've always wondered, what do the lyrics mean?" She said that song meanings are different for everypony. "Well, what does it mean to you?" She looked at him with eyes filled with compassion, and said "A mothers' love for her son."

After that statement, neither spoke. The two of them sat quietly for minutes, hours, neither kept track. Then she broke the silence "It's getting late. You'd better get to bed." Sivad looked up at the sky. His Mom was right. The sky was dark and the stars were out. Sivad wouldn't admit it, but he was exceptionally tired. Forgetting all about the many questions he had planned to ask, he went to his room and slept.

Entry 3: Pains. Old and New

*****Entry 3. 12-6-12.

It's early in the morning, before school. I woke up in the middle of the night, and two things crossed my mind. One, I forgot to ask why my Mom got me the journal, and two, my sides are hurting. This isn't a new thing for me. They've been going on for a few years. Nothing major, just a slight pain. It happens every few months or so. It feels like something's poking me from the inside, kind of like a tooth growing in. (If I start growing teeth on my sides, my life will only get more strange...although that would be kinda cool) Most of the time, it stops hurting in the middle of the day, so I just tough it out until the pain stops. I'm not going to cry over a little pain in my sides. I'll have to make sure I don't bump into anything though. Don't want to make it worse. *****

Sivad left for school, went to classes, ate lunch and talked with friends, then more classes with the occasional insult from somepony he didn't know. Just a normal day of school for him. The pain in his sides stopped as well. He was about to walk back to his house, but, "Aw, look at the freak of nature, walking home to his freak parents!" It was the same pony as before. Sivad was used to this kind of thing, so he ignored the insults and kept walking. Nothing new to him. Of course the other pony keeps spouting insults, "Do you know why you're a freak? Because your parents are! You're all mistakes of Nature! Accidents! Trash! Your lives are meaningless!" Sivad didn't even glance towards the other ponys' direction. 'Just ignore him and keep walking', Sivad thought to himself, 'Ignore, and keep walking'. "Hey! I'm talking to you!" The other pony ran in front of Sivad. Sivad was about to walk around him, but this time, instead of using words, he used physical force.

The other pony pushed Sivad against the side of the school. "What?! You deaf?!" Sivad normally would've used his horn to push the pony off of him, but instead his first impulse was to push back physically. He wasn't ready for it, and obviously wasn't expecting Sivad to fight back, or to be that strong for his size, and honestly, Sivad was just as surprised. Sivad had never thought of himself as strong, and yet here he is, having just pushed an Earthpony that was easily twice his weight, onto the ground with ease. The Earthpony quickly realized he was in way over his head and ran off. Sivad, slightly shaken from the turn of events, couldn't help but feel impressed with himself.

Sivad walked back to his house, where his parents were waiting for him. His Dad greeted him at the door. "Hey. How was school today?" The usual greeting. "Pretty good. We're learning about the history of Watercrest Bay. Apparantly it was founded because the wheels broke on the wagons, and since the settlers were already in a nice area, they decided they should just stay and build a small town where they were." Sivad explained the other things they were learning in school, but decided to leave out the part concerning a certain Earthpony who thought it was fun to make fun of a certain Unicorn. After he was done talking about his day at school, his Dad said "I remember learning about the founding of Watercrest. Do you know why the wheels broke, Sivad?" Suddenly interested, he admitted that he did not know why. "Because they were old and falling apart. That, is why they broke." Sivad looked at his Dad, "Really? I never would have guessed they broke because they were old and falling apart." Sivad said sarcastically. "What were you expecting? That they broke because your Mothers' great, great, great, great, Grandfather accidentally left the replacement wheels behind, and when the wheels they were using broke, that he was too embarassed to admit that it was his fault?" Sivad almost burst out laughing "Really?" His Dad looked confused, "Really what?" "Is it really because of Moms' Grandfather that the settlers' wheels couldn't be fixed?" An astonished look appeared on his Dads' face "Who told you that? Nopony else was supposed to know." He smiled and winked at Sivad, whispering "You didn't hear it from me."

***** Entry 3, Continued. So if it weren't for my Moms' Grandfather, Watercrest Bay wouldn't even exist. All because he forgot the replacement wheels, and was too emabarassed to admit it. The funny thing is, I didn't even ask about Dad about it this time around. Onto a different topic, what the Earthpony said to me got me wondering about my birth again. What am I? I'm not a Unicorn...well, not exactly. I'm not a Pegasus, or an Earthpony, and I'm definitely not an Alicorn. Am I really a freak? Maybe. At this point, I'd just like to be able to call myself something. At first, I would say "Hello, I'm Sivad. I'm a Unicorn." Now, I don't know what to call myself. I'm not a Unicorn. Am I a mix? Unicorn and Pegasus? No, I don't have wings. Unicorn and Earthpony? Could be. There's no significant trait that makes Earthponies stand out from the others except their natural strength, and I seem to have that...So I'm an Earth Unicorn?...Earthicorn? Sure. Why not? At least I'd be able to call myself something.

Also, the pain in my sides came back later in the day. What's causing them? I've had them for a while now, but they've never been anything more than a small, hardly noticable pain. Barely worth noting or worrying about. Now it's slightly worse. I've mentioned this last time I went for a check-up at Dr. Harts' clinic, but he said it was "Growing pains". I'm not a doctor, but I don't think growing should be this painful.

I still haven't asked my parents (If they really are my parents) about my birth. Are they my real parents? If not, then who, and where are they? If they are my real parents, then why am I so...different? So many questions. My Dad should be able to answer at least some of them. I'm not getting distracted anymore. I'm asking tomorrow.*****

Sivad closed the journal, put it back in its' drawer (along with the quill, of course), and got into bed. Eventually the questions floating in his mind died down, and he was able to sleep.

Reflections

Sivad didn't usually have nightmares, but they did happen at times. He would wake up in a cold sweat, and would stare at the ceiling, afraid to go back to sleep as he knew the nightmare would occur once again. This was different though. It started as a regular dream of him walking through school. He saw his friends hanging out together, and the guys who would insult him daily, but they didn't do anything this time, which he was grateful for. Sivad walked through the hallway, but stopped when he heard a strange sound coming from the bathroom. Curious, he walked towards the bathroom and a small uncomforting feeling nagged at the back of his mind. The sound wasn't heard again, but he walked inside the bathroom anyways, just to be sure. It felt...odd. He realized with shudder that he was the only one here. Nobody was walking down the halls anymore. They had just disappeared! The hallways were crowded just a minute ago! But that wasn't the most disturbing thing he saw.

He saw someone staring at him out of the corner of his eye. A male, black unicorn with red eyes and a fire-like mane looked at him with an unblinking gaze. Something inside Sivad snapped. He'd seen this unicorn before. He felt like he knew who this was. Yet at the same time, the other unicorn seemed completely foreign. Like a distant memory of the past that was too horrible to remember. The other unicorn did nothing as Sivad cautiously approached. When they were face to face, the other unicorn spoke with a voice that was almost like Sivads'. "Finally decided to come back? After you just get rid of me, throw me away like trash and forget about me? Not to mention you made everyone else forget about me as well!" Sivad didn't know what the other unicorn was talking about. The unicorn continued. "It seems even you of all people have forgotten. Is it because your spell worked on yourself as well, or because you've refused to remember and blocked those memories from yourself? Not to worry though, I know something that might jog your memory. Do you remember a girl named Serenity?"

Sivad felt like he'd just been shot. He did remember Serenity. The more he focused on Serenity, the more he remembered. "Ah, yes. I thought you would. Now do you remember what you did? Not only to her, but to many others as well? How, even after you fixed everything and she somehow, despite everything you did, found it in herself to forgive you, yet every night she would wake up next to you in a cold sweat screaming? Did you ever wonder how she felt? To have a nightmare, then to wake up and see your nightmare in physical form right next to you? Yes, you must have. That's why you left after all." Sivad was visibly shaken, his eyes locked on a fixed position on the wall. Yes, he recalled everything that had happened. The murder, torture, the knife he had used. But what hurt him most of all was Serenity couldn't stand to be in the same room as him. He didn't blame her, he had murdered her after all. It's not like she didn't try to get past everything, she did. But whenever she looked into Sivads' eyes, she couldn't stop herself from screaming. So he decided it was best to leave. It was obvious that no amount of magic could erase those events from her memory, so he chose to do the next best thing he could think of. Leave, and never go back no matter how much it hurt.

The unicorn crept closer to Sivad, levitating a knife. Sivad couldn't move. It was like he was paralyzed. Fear ran through him as the unicorn raised the knife. Sivads' body wouldn't respond. He wanted to move, to jump out of the way and run. He wanted to escape. He wanted to wake up. He could do nothing but close his eyes. The knife came down on his side with a sickening crunch, but he felt nothing. He waited...nothing. Slowly, Sivad opened his eyes and looked around for the unicorn, but there was no sign of him. He stood up, and that's when he noticed the mirrors. The reflection looking back at him wasn't his own. It was the black unicorns'. Two stab wounds appeared on Sivads' sides, and were bleeding terribly. He collapsed in a bloody heap on the floor, while Serenitys' screams echoed in his mind.