A Comedy of Terrors

by Slippy

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy, Adventure, Alternate Universe
Length: 23497

Discord and Nightmare Moon embark on a quest to overthrow Celestia. Needless to say, they are immediately doomed to failure.

It's been precisely thirty years since Nightmare Moon escaped to cause eternal night, and about twenty-nine since Discord's similarly failed uprising. But instead of having two holidays, it was just easier for everyone to schedule one big celebration. Anyway, it is the first official Harmony Fair, and with the Elements of Harmony off in Ponyville, an excellent (and somewhat ironic) opportunity is presented for two terrible monsters long forgotten to Equestria.

Soon, Discord and Nightmare Moon are thrust into an adventure that they, and indeed, the rest of Equestria had never asked for with one very manageable, simple, reasonable goal in sight: world domination.

However, many forces oppose them. Namely, a princess with the capacity to move the sun and hundreds of years of experience up her sleeve, the aforementioned princess's whiny little sister, a gardener, her psychiatrist, a disturbingly senile pony and his disgruntled nurse, a duo of ghosts and, last and least, an ancient demon king who exists to torture the dead.

But that's never stopped them before, right?

[Rated Teen for minor swearing.]

(This story was started prior to Keep Calm and Flutter On and Magical Mystery Cure, and takes place in a universe in which those episodes never occurred. Now I have it marked with an Alternate Universe tag.)

[size=12]Featured (for about two hours) on March 8, 2013, because that was when I posted the chapter where Chrysalis kissed Luna.

Featured again on April 21, 2013, because it was the day after 4/20 and the mods accidentally put it in the feature box because they were high.[/size]

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-21 20:20:11 UTC

Act One: Chapter Two: Without a Paddle (or a Boat)

"You are, without a doubt, the stupidest pony I have ever met!" Nightmare Moon screeched in rage as Discord dragged Luna out onto the riverbank.

"I'm not a pony. Your argument is invalid." Discord nonchalantly replied.

The shadow twisted with fury.

"You're not really a pony either, are you? From what I can gather, I think you're more of a really bad mental disorder."

Nightmare Moon didn't even respond as Discord gathered vines from the ground and trees and wrapped them around the dripping princess's legs.

"But you were a pony for a little while, on the moon? Or was it more like a multiple personality disorder thing?" Discord continued on.

"Are you ever going to just shut up?" Nightmare Moon hissed. "It's been less than six hours since I agreed to work with you, the god of chaos, and now I'm sitting up on a riverbed with a kidnapped princess, up a river without a paddle. I think I liked the Elements of Harmony better than you, Discord."

Discord gazed up from the vines. "Or a boat."

"What?"

"You said we're up a river without a paddle. We don't have a boat, either," Discord's maw twisted into a devious grin, "but I think I can fix that problem..."

Nightmare Moon would've raised an eyebrow if she could have as Discord walked up to a rather unimpressive tree, its leaves drooped to the ground in a depressed manner, and its trunk was scarcely twice Discord's width. The draconequus popped his mismatched knuckles and took in a deep breath as he prepared to fell the tree. He gained sure footing and placed his arms on the middle of the arbor, and then pushed with all his might. For Discord, it was rigorous exercise.

For Nightmare Moon, however, it was a mightily entertaining spectacle. The look of strain on the spirit of chaos's face was bordering on constipation, and his entire body was shaking as he tried to push the meager tree over. It showed absolutely no sign of giving in. Discord then stopped, stood up, put his hands on his knees and heavily breathed in and out. He grabbed a large rock and smashed away at the lower trunk and roots, and then began pushing against the tree again. The tree quietly creaked, and moved slightly in accordance with his pushing. However it still didn't fall over.

"Oh, come on!" The draconequus shouted, and kicked the trunk. His goat's hoof stopped at the trunk with a loud thunk and his eyes widened as his whole body froze.

"Oww..." he mumbled, falling over to the ground. Nightmare Moon didn't know whether to sigh with contempt or break out laughing. Discord got back up, and walked back over to Nightmare Moon, pointing a claw at her.

"Hey, it's not like you've been doing anything to help!"

As if on command, there were muffled phrases from Nightmare Moon's area, but not from Nightmare Moon. Discord and Nightmare Moon both turned to Luna as the princess wiggled in her bonds, and her eyes fluttered open. She surveyed her surroundings.

"Pray, what be the meaning of- AAAH! DISCORD!" The princess screamed.

"AAAH!" Discord screamed back.

"AAAH!" Luna screamed again.

"AAAH!" Discord screamed as his left, clawed hand was enveloped in green sparks and a frying pan appeared from nothing.

"AA-" Wham! Luna was cut off by a frying pan to her temple. She quickly sunk back into dreamland. Nightmare Moon glared up at Discord, the holes in her shadow that served as eyes piercing him.

"I thought you said you had no chaos magic!" The shadow growled. Discord studied the pan in his hand and shrugged.

"I guess... I have more of the stuff than I thought?" Was his simple response.

He then started hitting the tree with the pan.

~ ~ ~

Candied Apple trotted through the streets of Ponyville with glee, admiring the festivities. The fair had many wonderful elements that gave it the element of a celebration, with stalls selling confections, souvenirs and other treats, but its royal, cultural and generally important nature was outwardly visible to all. The little filly was jumping for joy, and she closed her eyes, spinning around and relishing the incredible day.

"Hey, blank flank!" Came a voice that filled Candied Apple with dread. She gulped, and turned around to see two Earth fillies from her class, both sisters and wearing malicious smirks.

"So, Candied Apple... looks like you still haven't found your cutie mark. You might just go on being a blank flank your whole life!" The first, a faded pink filly with a striking red mane, snickered. Her sister giggled, flipping her gold mane with a white hoof.

"Don't be so hard on her, sis! Candied Apple might find something she's good at! Maybe she'll be a great workhorse someday!"

The two sisters laughed together, before a stern looking mare trotted up from behind them, giving them the eye.

"Red Carpet! Gold Trim! Are you giving little Candied Apple any trouble?" The pink, motherly mare tested.

The fillies looked to each other, and then to their mother guiltily.

"No, mama." They said in unison. Gold Trim kicked at the ground indignantly while Red Carpet just looked away.

Candied Apple looked up and smiled. "Thank you, Mrs. Diamond Tiara!"

Diamond Tiara smiled down at the little pony. "Not at all, my little pony. Anything for the Apple family."

It was then that Spike and the Apple family caught up to the little filly.

"There you are, sweetie..." Fluttershy lifted her daughter up in a gripping hug. Candied Apple smiled in her embrace and nuzzled her mother. Spike and Apple Bloom pretended to gag, prompting a laugh from Big Macintosh.

A regal fanfare filled the air as one Princess Celestia graced their presence, surrounded by guards with various brass instruments.

"Your grace!" Applejack called, kneeling in a bow. Spike, Big Macintosh and Apple Bloom followed. However Fluttershy and her daughter were still together in embrace. When she set the filly down, the two bowed. Celestia gave a warm grin to them all.

"A warm welcome to you, Apple family. And of course, Spike! Sorry I couldn't get these to you earlier, my nieces and nephew were keeping me longer than I expected."

One of the guards, a steely gray pegasus, trotted out to stand before Applejack. Giving a small bow, he reached a hoof under one wing and removed two white boxes tied with red ribbons. Fluttershy and Applejack opened the cardboard containers, and inside were two familiar, gleaming golden necklaces; the Elements of Kindness and Honesty. Applejack and Fluttershy equipped without hesitation, and the same guard chivalrously took the empty boxes back.

Celestia waved a hoof toward a large, ornate stage that had been set up in the middle of a large crowd.

"If you don't mind me saying, it's about time for the speech, don't you think?" The princess asked. Fluttershy and Applejack nodded, and started their way up to the curtained stage. Spike chuckled and turned the other way.

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "Is the savior of the Crystal Empire and the stalwart best friend of the Element of Magic going somewhere?"

Spike turned back around. "Wait, you want me to go up there with the Elements?" He asked, attempting to conceal the excitement in his voice.

The princess gave Spike a wry smile as she nodded her head toward. For a split second, Celestia saw the unspoiled glee of Twilight Sparkle's youthful assistant from thirty years past as the dragon walked, at a slightly accelerated pace, to the stage.

~ ~ ~

On the bank of the Canterlot River, a pony sat on the dock, levitating a fishing rod as he whistled a tune to himself. He grinned as he tugged on what felt like a good-sized fish, only to be crushed when he pulled up an old, algae-coated boot.

Needless to say, he was quite shocked when a felled, abused looking tree floated on down the river, being ridden by Discord and with Princess Luna tied to it by vines.

"Need to lay off the cider," he grumbled before re-baiting his hook.

~ ~ ~

"'Ell, I'm up a creek,

and I'm just chilling,

stuck with a little princess

and a shadowy villain,

I'm in a bad place

and I'm losing this race

and I'm getting cold water

in my face!"

Nightmare Moon groaned as her shadow was splayed across the tree's leaves. This had been the seventeenth verse of Discord's little river song, not counting choruses and guitar solos, which stretched on for up to two minutes apiece. Worse was that the guitar solos did not sound up to scratch, considering they were played on a frying pan.

"Do you have any intention of shutting up any time soon?" The shadow growled. Discord grinned and shook his head, resting his mismatched legs on the roots of the tree.

"Well if you're not going to quiet down, let's talk about something useful. What is our plan for getting back at Celestia? The Elements of Harmony beat us before, and they're going to beat us again if we don't think of something."

Discord stopped scratching the pan, deep in thought. Finally, he snapped his furry hand, while his bird-like hand shot into the air.

"We could ally as villains!" He exclaimed.

Nightmare Moon processed what he said, rubbing a shadowy face in a shadowy hoof. "We already are allied as villains, you idiot."

"No, you don't get it. We need more villains. Ponies who have been wronged by Celestia, or actually, punished for being wrong but they didn't take it very well."

Nightmare Moon found herself in the extremely strange position of agreement with Discord. After thinking for a short moment, her dark, flat maw became an undetectable smirk. "Do they have to be ponies?"

"What?" Discord turned back to look at the shadow in the tree.

"The changelings. Do they fit the bill?"

Discord laughed and clasped his hands together. "The changelings! Of course! They're probably just as mad at Celestia as we are! After all, I did see them get blasted out of Canterlot by that big pink magic blast... thing."

Nightmare Moon was pleased with the idea as well. "I don't know much about them, though. All I know about them is what Celestia told Luna after she woke up the next day. That, and all the seminars that Celestia made Luna attend afterward."

Discord shrugged. "Hey, my information comes from a day of watching big old bugs chase around the terrified citizens of Canterlot, hearing 'aaah! Changelings! Run for your lives!' all day."

Nightmare Moon smirked to herself. "You know, Discord, when you're not acting like an idiot, you can be a pretty threatening baddie."

"I wish I could say the same for you. You're just unbearable to be around." Discord laughed. "But seriously, right back at you."

Nightmare Moon rolled her eyes as the tree floated ever downstream, and Discord's song picked back up.

"'Ell, this town's got me in a rut,

and Celestia's coming after us,

but once I'm king I'll string her up!

I'm goin' up the creek."

Act One: Chapter Three: Fair Enough

Before a large crowd of ponies, among other creatures, a large wooden stage had been set up. It stood proudly before Town Hall, with a massive, velvet red curtain hiding everything save a podium, the mayor of Ponyville, and the regal Princess Celestia, swamped up to her flank in royal guards. The gray mare cleared her throat, before holding up a long, scripted speech to read from.

"Fillies and gentlecolts, stallions and ma- GAAACK!" The mayor coughed and sputtered, her face growing red as she pointed at the phlegm lodged in her throat. An aide rushed over to her with a glass of water, which she grabbed and quickly downed. She coughed, offered the aide a raspy "thank you" and returning to her speech.

"Fillies and gentlecolts, stallions and mares, Earth ponies, unicorns, pegasi, Crystal ponies, griffons, minotaurs, and you there, Mr. Diamond Dog in the back... where was I?"

The diplomat fluttered the parchment around in her hooves, trying to find her spot. She then grinned, and poked a certain spot on the page.

"Ah. Here we are. Anyway, today we celebrate the kindness, generosity, laughter, loyalty, honesty and wonderful magic that six incredible mares, and one fantastic dragon, have brought to our fair nation. Through the years, they have done much more than fell beasts and save empires. They have brought our world together through the magic of friendship, truly summoning Harmony throughout the land."

The crowd cheered, throwing confetti and shouting praise. Celestia took the microphone from the mayor.

"But that's enough hearing about our heroes, let's show them to you." She smiled to her subjects. She gently nudged a royal guard with a back hoof, and he nearly fell, struggling to regain his balance. He waddled over to the edge of the wooden beams holding up the curtain, and bit down on a rope that dangled from it. The guard pulled the rope continuously away from the stage until the curtains opened.

First into the audience view was Rarity. She had aged well, though not nearly as much as Applejack or Pinkie. The roots of her mane were touched with silver, but her hair still held all of its lustrous violet shine. She grinned, waving a hoof to the gathered audience and holding out the Element of Generosity for them to see.

Applejack was revealed next. Continued farm work into her twilight years had kept her faithful and stronghue, and her coat and mane were still their original, if not faded, hue. The only wrinkles about her were stress lines from many an unimpressed look at Spike and her younger sister. The mare adjusted her brown stetson, nodding to the crowd with a curt little smile.

The curtain lifted away from Fluttershy, who was shivering and hiding herself with a spread wing. She peeked out through the feathers, eyes wide with shock at how much size and diversity the audience held. She shuddered and tried to pull the curtain back over her. The stress of raising her foal, as well as being the honorary auntie of Sweetie Belle and Scootaloo's foals, had effectively silvered her mane to great extent.

When Rainbow Dash was revealed, a cheer exploded from the pegasus population of the attendance. The mare beamed as she held the Element of Loyalty above her head, bowing to her fans as imaginary roses scattered all around her. Though her coat was slightly duller than it had been thirty years ago, her mane was lustrous and full. That, of course, was the work of premier stylists. Though she kept it secret, she'd been frosty white for thirteen years.

Pinkie Pie's appearance was graced with a kazoo blast from who-knows-where. She beamed with a smile of unhealthy proportions, looking like she was about to explode with joy or pull a party cannon from nowhere. And though it was true that all of the Elements were still the best friends from thirty years past, only Pinkie Pie still kept all of the innocent, joyous and above all, party-tastic glimmer of youth.

Spike and Twilight were the last to be shown, and when they did, a massive cheer rose out of control from the audience. Most notably the Crystal ponies and Canterlot citizens, with the entire plaza going into overjoyed hysterics. The two held each other close as a brother and sister would, smiling and waving to those who cheered for them. Twilight adjusted her reading glasses, and closed her eyes for a moment with happiness.

When the excitement died down, Celestia once again took the microphone.

"These good friends have done more for Equestria and its allies than any other, including Starswirl the Bearded, the trio of Smart Cookie, Clover the Clever and Private Pansy, or even my very self. They have brought Harmony to the world, and protected it for the benefit of us and our loved ones. Today will mark the ending of the third decade of their protection, of restored harmony and love. And to assure that our children and their children and generations evermore will remember these wonderful gifts, I, and my council of royals, have decided to immortalize them now and forever."

There was a short silence, and Celestia pointed behind the crowd. The audience turned around, and the same guard pony who'd worked the curtain shuffled out to a large, circular park, where something was covered by a white sheet. He placed a hoof on the sheet and pulled it down, revealing a large, ornate stone statue of the six friends from their youth thirty years ago, each with the Elements donned. Between them, a young Spike grinned, holding the Crystal Heart over his head.

The audience clapped and lightly cheered as the guard shuffled back out of sight.

"Now," Celestia continued, "I believe that we have a lovely speech prepared by Mayor Diploma."

The mayor grinned. "That we do, princess!" The mayor pulled out a comically sized parchment from the podium, the audience split as it unraveled it kissed the ground, each looking on as the note rolled past them and finally bumping up against a fountain nearly thirty yards off. Rainbow Dash looked to Spike with an unimpressed glaze, and the dragon shrugged and shook his head back.

While Spike and Rainbow Dash mocked gagging, Celestia moved behind the mayor.

"Let's make our leave," she whispered to the rest of the ponies on stage.

The heroes followed her off, with her guards trailing closely behind. Unfortunately for the audience, they left them with the mayor and her terribly long speech.

~ ~ ~

Celestia had previously arranged for Ravioli's Diner to be emptied out, and empty it was. Tended by a few royal chefs and servants as well as Mr. Ravioli himself, the place was perfect for Celestia's little gathering. She, the Elements, Spike, Cadence, and the Apple family sat at a large, round table in the center of the restaurant, their orders being prepared for the evening.

"Little Candied Apple, I haven't seen you in years!" She said in an attempt to break the silence. The filly sat in a chair between her parents, sipping apple juice and shrinking in her chair.

The princess rolled her eyes with a wry smile. "She's definitely your daughter, Fluttershy."

Fluttershy wrapped a wing around her child with a sheepish grin.

Applejack returned from the washroom and sat down, turning to Celestia. "So, princess, y'all're sure that everypony's gonna be okay with us skippin' out on that last ceremony?"

Celestia laughed and rolled her eyes. "Oh, Applejack, if I had a nickel for every time I left a ceremony like that, Blueblood would live in a mansion made of coins." The princess paused, thinking over what she just said. "Actually I'd probably give Cadence a mansion made of coins. Blueblood has enough undeserved coins already.

"I say, I'll drink to that!" Rarity downed a glass of cider.

"Well, you're the princess and all, I suppose. An' this is a pretty nice place."

Being finished with her roll, Applejack set down her fork. Just then, the kitchen door swung open and a rather round looking unicorn sporting a fabulous mustache trotted out, carrying steaming plates and bowls in his auric grip.

"Here's-a your orders!" He said with a Neightalian accent, placing all the orders in front of the proper ponies.

"Thank you, Mr., er..." Celestia struggled to remember his name.

"It's-a me, Mario!" He said in an effort to jog her memory.

"Ah, yes, Mario Ravioli!" She smiled, passing him five bits. "Thank you for your trouble."

Ravioli winked and trotted back into the kitchen.

Twilight studied the noodles on her plate, shoveling them up with her fork and attempting to lift them, only to have them fall back onto her plate. She twisted them around the utensil to lift, but they slid off again. Flustered, she looked around to see that nopony was looking, and quickly put her face down to her plate and began slurping them up.

She rubbed her belly, licked the remaining tomato sauce off her lips and opened her eyes. When she did, was greeted with stares from everypony else at the table, ranging from Big Macintosh's awkward awe to Rainbow Dash's smug smirk.

Twilight swallowed the food, wiped her mouth and excused herself to the restroom.

~ ~ ~

Near the royal castle in Canterlot, there was a large, fenced mansion. Though it was a large estate, which are usually quite attractive, the home was atypical in that it could make any interior designer faint.

The lawn outside was prickly, yellow, and choked with weeds. The exterior of the house was cracked and covered in vines, the paint faded, and many of the roof's shingles littered the lawn. Inside, there was broken furniture, smashed windows, trash strewn about the floor, and never any lights on.

The owner of the home paced slowly and without purpose around the cellar, occasionally taking a swig from a bottle of cider that floated next to him.

He looked in a state even worse than the house. His gray mane was out of control and nearly fell to his shoulders. He had a long, unkempt beard and his eyes had dark, puffy circles around them. The cutie mark on his flank was beyond irony: a compass rose of gold and royal violet. No one could tell you what it meant.

Because Prince Blueblood had lost his direction.

Yes, ever since that filthy small-town mare stuck him up at the gala so many years ago, nopony would so much as speak to him with anything but contempt. Nopony would see him as anything more than Celestia's spoiled little nephew. Every time he would go outside he'd be met with scornful looks.

Today, he found a way to change all that. News had reached his ears that the Discord statue, as well as one Princess Luna, had gone missing. Of course there were rumors that it was thievery and kidnapping or the like, but Blueblood knew what had really happened. He knew that Discord would one day escape from the bonds of stone to wreak havoc. And he would bet his bottom dollar that today was that day.

The only question was what he'd do about it. Here he was, pacing around his basement with no idea what to do. On one hoof, he could watch the downfall of the ponies who had betrayed him, laughing as the world fades to black. On the other, he could chase Discord, capture him, and become a hero.

"Hero..." he whispered. He liked the sound of that. The corners of the hermit's lips turned up in a grin as he imagined redemption, recognition, and adoration by the Equestrian public. He began walking up and out of his cellar, when he did something he never thought he'd do again.

He sung.

"I am a failure...

yes, I digress, I surely am.

I've become the laughing stock of royalty."

The bedraggled prince walked up the stairs, and flipped the light switch.

"Though it's suicidal,

I have composed a simple plan.

I have got an idea,"

He opened the door and trotted out to his front gate, which he swung open.

"To stop this chaotic span!"

He accented the last line by standing on his back hooves as he sang.

"And while there's no sense plotting to stop baddies this quick,

I'll get lots of honors and a shower of bits!

And when the day is all done,

and I've had all my fun,

they'll say I was a really great guy!

Ponies looked on in awe as the hermetic prince skipped down the street.

"My name's Blueblood; I'll be the guy!"

"I'm not evil; I am a cool guy!"

"They'll remember me as a nice guy!"

"And believe me I am a great guy!"

"I'm the guy!"

"Still alive!"

As the prince joyously skipped off on his holy crusade, a rather young colt gazed with one raised eyebrow.

"What was that all about?"

~ ~ ~

Nightmare Moon rubbed her shadowy, flat ears in an attempt to drown Discord's nonsense out. After nearly two hours of singing, the draconequus apparently ran out of rhymes and switched to whistling and strumming the pan. The shadow was about to snap at him again, but all she could muster was a squeaky gasp.

"Discord!" She whispered. Discord turned around to face her. He had clearly had his eyes shut the whole time.

"What?" He asked. The shadow pointed a hoof, and though it was distorted over the log and Luna's body, Discord could see that she was pointing straight ahead. He too found himself full of worry at what he saw. The sparkling Pegasus city of Las Pegasus.

Now, if you were a tourist or a stockholder, you would not be fearful of what the two were seeing. In recent years of Equestrian development, the city had grown fairly large, and had been fitted with thicker clouds and a few elevator-type dealies to allow unicorn and Earth pony visitors to enter.

However, if you were an impossibly ancient enemy to all that is good and right showing up with a kidnapped princess, her malevolent shadow and not enough chaos magic to defend yourself from two tough-looking pegasus guards, you would feel significantly different about approaching the city on your tree-boat.

"Alright, alright... we can make this work..." Discord's eyes shifted around to find something he could use to his advantage. He began plucking leaves from the tree as it drifted ever closer to Las Pegasus. He then held them up and used his slim reservoir of chaos magic to fuse them together and turn them red. He placed the leaf hat on his head, clearly proud of his disguise.

"Excuse me, genius, what about me?" Nightmare Moon scowled. Discord summoned a large suitcase and stuffed the sleeping princess, and her shadow, in it.

"Are you comfortable in there, shadow puppet?"

From inside the suitcase, Nightmare Moon's angry response sounded like "muuuuh fuuuh wuuuh!"

Discord steered the tree over to the riverbank, and summoned up a garish flowered shirt to finish his disguise. He carried the briefcase up the hill, onto the paved brick road beneath Las Pegasus, and in front of the guards that blocked their entry into the city.

The two brawny pegasi glared conspicuously up at Discord's gnarled face, and one held up a clipboard, which Discord could see marked with infamous Equestrian enemies. He looked at him, and then the picture on the clipboard, and then to his partner, and then back to Discord, and then shrugged.

"Name?" The pegasus on the right asked.

"Di- uh... Dennis."

"Gender?"

"Female!" Nightmare Moon shouted through a hole in the case.

The guards were incredibly startled by this. The one on the left pointed at his suitcase. "Did that bag just talk?"

"No! It was me. I am a mare. Yes indeedy." Discord returned as Nightmare Moon smiled.

"Alright... species?"

"Uni... pega... Earth pony. I'm an Earth pony!" Discord was losing his cool. He glanced behind the guards, seeing a closed off area with tourists entering hot-air balloons, being activated by unicorn employees packing incendiary spells. He looked back down at the guard, who was scribbling all of his information from his name to his bright red hair to his gender on a clipboard.

"Hometown?"

"Ponyville." Discord immediately regretted letting that word slip out, and clasped his talon claw over his mouth.

"Alright, you may go. Enjoy your time in Las Pegasus!" The guard said with a smile as he and his partner opened the gate.

"They're not buying it! Run!" Nightmare Moon screamed with a grin.

"AAAAH!" Discord screamed shortly after. He ran through the gate, swiped the guard's clipboard, and tumbled into a rather large hot air balloon. The unicorn, wrapped in a Las Pegasus Foreman uniform, inside the balloon found himself backed against the wall with wide eyes. Discord stood up and stared him down, clutching the clipboard.

"Take this thing up! Start the fire thing!" He pointed at the fireplace with his paw, and out of terror the foreman started a blazing, controlled fire which lifted the balloon off the ground and high into the sky.

"Alright, so how do I fly this thing?" Discord asked him.

"Oh, it's really quite simple actually. You see these little propellers here? Well, their analog is over here, so if you want to go left you press the left one, and if you want to go right, press the right. If you just want to go forward faster, press both of them."

"Thanks."

"It's no problem, but you're wel- WAAAGH!" The employee was caught off guard as he was sent tumbling into the water hundreds of feet below.

"DENNIS!" The guards shook their hooves at the balloon as it flew away. One ran into the transmission room, and dialed up the Cloudsdale Police Department.

"Yeah, Cloudsdale? This is Magnum of the Las Pegasus Guard. Send scouts all over Equestria in search of an Earth pony mare by the name of Dennis, with defining traits being a striking red mane!"

"Copy that, Las Pegasus." The radio fizzled.

~ ~ ~

It was evening, and Celestia was in a bed in Twilight's library. Four royal guards all stared at the door at the same time as she lied down to rest.

She was glad that she organized this ceremony, as it had given her the first opportunity she'd had in many years to just let her mane down and relax. She wouldn't admit it, but a break from her hectic life in Canterlot was an ulterior motive for planning this little event. And she intended to leave Luna in charge for a few more days until she was ready to go home, her little sister could handle herself.

She was aware that in a month or so she'd have to return to signing forms and going to debates, but she didn't have to worry about that just yet.

Celestia smiled to herself as she snuggled in under the quilted covers and went to sleep.

Act One: Chapter Four: Cloudsdale 911

The hot air balloon drifted through high cumulonimbus clouds, fluffy clouds well known to be impenetrable by even the most hardened pegasus. Nightmare Moon peeked out from her suitcase, and noticed a stolen clipboard in Discord's claw.

"What have you got now?" The shadow grumbled, knowing that the abomination's answer would be stupid beyond the limits of the equine brain.

Discord flipped through the pages on the clipboard with one hand.

"Well, there's a record of traffic violations, closing times for all the Las Pegasus casinos, a list of the most wanted ponies in Equestria and their locations, a shopping list, a few small maps of cities and such..."

"Hold on, what was that?" Nightmare Moon interjected.

"A shopping list. The guy probably wanted to go get groceries once his shift was over." Discord shrugged.

"No... just... ugh. What you said before that. And I have a feeling you already knew that."

"Of course I did, sugarplum." Discord pulled out a pamphlet from between the pages and held it to the sun.

"Evil and You," he read, "your one-stop guide to all of Equestria's most vile enemies, ancient and otherwise."

"Oh goody," Nightmare Moon responded, "something else for you to play with. I suppose you'll make a pirate hat this time? Oh no, a boat. Or a crane?"

"You're really just egging me on when you say that kind of thing. And a pirate hat and a paper boat are the same fold, everyone knows that."

"Oh, of course they are." Nightmare Moon said, dragging out the word "course" as long as it'd go.

"You're just a cute little puffy ball of hate, aren't you?" Discord clapped his hands once as if to get his own attention, and opened the booklet. "Now, if you're not busy being so stuffy, you might find yourself able to think inside the chimney! You see Nightie, this little pamphlet contains a list of every convicted felon in this happy little land of rainbows! And most notably, the changelings!"

Nightmare Moon raised a non-corporeal eyebrow. "Every convicted felon? In that little stack of papers?"

Discord wiggled the papers before the shadow and pulled the heavy-sleeping princess out of the case. "What, did you expect more? Baddies are hard to come by in a land of candy-colored clouds and fluffy pink ponies."

Nightmare Moon opened her mouth to object, but slowly shut it, as she had nothing to say.

"Alright, read it. Who's out there who'd help us take back the throne?" She asked.

"Well, let's see... Trixie Shimmershine Lulamoon Flimflam and Flim Smokestack Flimflam, wanted for numerous cases of highway robbery and the crime of stealing Equestria's heart with their adorable couple dynamic."

"They seem... competent, at least."

Discord nodded. "Now let's see, last sighted in..." he paused, "Oh. Both deceased."

"Horsefeathers." Nightmare Moon swore. "Check another one."

Discord turned the page. "How about this one: Lyra Heartstrings, wanted for the practice outlawed magic, petty theft, kidnapping, treason, arson, breaking and entering, and insurance fraud. Last sighted..." Discord sighed with disappointment. "Seven years ago in Ponyville."

"Why are all the good ones gone? I wish that we could get this little pony, she sounds like she'd be a very valuable ally to have."

"I agree, though I hate to admit it. I wonder where this minty mare went off to." Discord looked up into the sky.

~ Meanwhile, somewhere far, far away... ~

A mint green pony weaved a speeding crimson motorcycle through the thick traffic on the streets of New York City, her exasperated and terrified marefriend gripping her waist for dear life. Behind them were Men in Black agents J and K, in a sleek black car pushed forward by a roaring turbo booster.

Agent J held out a small, alien pistol and tried to get a good bead on Lyra. The pony turned back with shock and reached to the side of her bike where she kept her trusty shotgun.

"Bon Bon, take the wheel!" She screamed. As the agent removed his sunglasses, Lyra bravely stood up on the bicycle seat, closed one eye, and pointed the barrel at the Men in Black.

And the rest... is history.

~ ~ ~

Discord closed his eyes and shrugged before returning to his search.

"Alright, here's Changeling One Five A Q Six Four, wanted for vandalism and attempted murder. And then we have Changeling Three Nine Eight B T H Seven, wanted for vandalism and attempted murder. Oh, and here's Changeling Nine Six J R Two, wanted for vandalism and attempted murder. And then there's about six more pages of changelings and a little note at the bottom of page seven about how few changelings this accounts for."

Nightmare Moon thought to herself before asking, "Where does it say all these changelings were last sighted?"

Discord squinted to read the print. "Two years ago, in the Changeling Hive deep within the Badlands."

"And does it say anything about the Badlands?" Nightmare Moon asked.

"Yeah, the notes are right next to the flying bag of rock-and-roll flavored jelly beans and the collapsible hot tub." Discord returned.

Nightmare Moon would sell her soul to be able to punch him.

"However, I do have a map of Equestria!" He exclaimed, summoning a map of the nation with a flick of his avian wrist. Nightmare Moon put a hoof to her chin, looking up from her shadow's position on the balloon's floor. Though it had cotton candy and the stench of low tide stuck to it, the Badlands had been helpfully marked with a large red circle. A tweed jacket with brown patches, a bubble pipe and a set of reading glasses popped onto Discord and gave him the appearance of a rather demonic University professor.

"Hmm... an intriguing map, to be sure. Associate Moon, would you care to make an observation?"

The eyes in Nightmare Moon's shadowy face narrowed and the shadow held eye contact with the beast until Discord sighed and took the reins to steer the balloon on its way.

"You're no fun, you know that?"

~ ~ ~

Two Cloudsdale police officers flew over the village of Ponyville, scanning the ground for Equestria's most wanted pony.

"Alright, according to Intel, this is the hometown of our criminal. Look out for a mare with a yellow coat and a red mane." One said to the other.

"Dennis." The other scowled.

"Criminal, princess-napping scum!" One exclaimed.

Their vision covered every inch of the ground as they slowly soared above the town, until one gasped and pointed.

"What?" The other asked.

"Look! In the marketplace!" One shouted. The other squinted and there at a market stall was a mare who looked to be in her early adulthood, with a light yellow coat and a striking scarlet mane. She wore a small pink ribbon just behind her left ear. She was examining vegetables, holding them to the sun and sniffing them.

"It's Dennis!" The other cop returned, quickly descending. One followed suit, and pressed a tiny enchanted metal fitting into his ear until he felt the buzz of magic.

"Intel! We have confirmed Dennis sighting! Are we clear to engage?"

There was a grumpy-sounding grumble from the other side. "I would like you to call me by my full name, please." Came the whiny voice of a wimpy unicorn stallion in the Canterlot Police Station.

The other officer groaned. "Inconceivable Intellect, would you please tell us if we have permission to engage the mare we believe to be Dennis?"

"Yes you may. Thank you." Inconceivable Intellect replied as the transmission shut off.

The other officer was groaning when he hit the ground, giving the mare quite a fright.

"What in tarnation is goin' on here?" Apple Bloom asked. The shopkeeper was hiding behind a crate of watermelon in terror.

One officer removed his wallet from his pocket and revealed his badge. "I am Cloudsdale Police Officer One Shot. This is my lieutenant, Officer Other Option. And we have confirmation that you are Dennis, national criminal and captor of royal Princess Luna. I don't know how you got from Las Pegasus to Ponyville via business-sized hot air balloon in thirty minutes, but that wouldn't be the first impossible thing you've done today."

Apple Bloom's jaw fell to the floor. "What the hay are you talkin' about? My name's Apple Bloom, I've never heard of any Dennis around these parts!"

Other Option removed her sunglasses to reveal angry, bloodshot eyes. "DO NOT LIE TO US, DENNIS! COME WITH US OR FACE DIRE CONSEQUENCES!"

Apple Bloom backed up into the stand, and then tried to run away. One Shot stepped in her way, slamming her to the ground and holding her down.

"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!" Other Option screamed.

"ANYTHING YOU SAY CAN AND WILL BE USED AGAINST YOU IN A COURT OF LAW!" One Shot yelled.

"YOU HAVE THE RIGHT TO AN ATTORNEY! IF YOU CANNOT AFFORD AN ATTORNEY, ONE WILL BE APPOINTED FOR YOU!" Other Option shouted.

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND THESE RIGHTS AS THEY HAVE BEEN READ TO YOU?" They bellowed in unison.

Apple Bloom was covered in One Shot's foul breath, and they mistook her attempting to shake off the smell for a nod.

"YEAH!" They both exclaimed, giving each other a double high-hoof.

~ ~ ~

Celestia was sitting down for a nice cup of tea at a small cafe and doing her best to ignore all the attention when she had to stop in mid-sip and listen to voices from behind her.

"DO YOU UNDERSTAND THESE RIGHTS AS THEY HAVE BEEN READ TO YOU? YEAH!"

As an immortal princess, one of her duties was the overseeing of military and police duties. So she realized the Mareandahuehuehue Rights when she heard them. She picked up her tea and trotted over to see what all this was about. When she reached the source of the noise, she nearly spilled her tea. Two pegasi in the uniform of police officials were pinning Apple Bloom down before a vegetable stand, shouting in excitement about how they'd caught Equestria's most wanted criminal.

"What in the world is going on here, my little ponies?" The princess asked.

One Shot and Other Option looked to her with with wild grins. Apple Bloom was handcuffed on the ground with a horrified look in her eyes.

"Princess Celestia! I am One Shot, and this is my deputy officer, Other Option! Allow us to introduce you to Dennis!" He pointed at Apple Bloom.

Other Option nodded. "In the past ten hours alone, this foul criminal has ASSAULTED a royal servant, PONYNAPPED Princess Luna, and STOLEN the prized Discord statue!"

Princess Celestia's pupils shrank to pinpricks and the teacup slipped out of her hoof, shattering when it hit the stony path. "Excuse me, did you say he stole..."

"The Discord statue, ma'am!" Other Option said.

"She left the pedestal, though. I wonder if she had to saw it off. Do you think Discord felt it? It probably really hurt his feet." One looked to the Other, who nodded.

Celestia blinked once, mumbled something about a terrible vacation, and fainted on the ground in a slump.

~ ~ ~

"We... have been on this confounded balloon... FOR HOURS! ARE WE THERE YET?" Nightmare Moon screeched.

Discord studied his map, holding it upside-down. "Hmm, I assumed I'd get to do the 'are we there yet?' bit. It's an oldie, but a goodie."

Nightmare Moon was absolutely fuming. "You are without a doubt the STUPIDEST, MOST HORRENDOUS CREATURE IT HAS EVER BEEN MY DISPLEASURE TO MEET!" Nightmare Moon screamed so loudly that Luna stirred in her sleep. Discord's head slowly turned completely backward, his lip with an exaggerated wobble and his eyes streaming with tears of what looked like soda.

"Oh, Moony! Your words, they pierce my heart like an icicle! What maltreatment could've made your soul so very desolate and frostbitten?"

"If I had a a shovel and a pair of hooves to use it with, I would bury you alive and build a castle on top of your grave."

"Good thing you don't, hmm hmm hWAUGH!" Discord screamed in shock, falling back onto the suitcase. On the edge of the balloon sat the unmistakable, holey black form of a changeling. The creature grinned at Discord and Luna as its compound eyes focused and refocused. Many more changelings flew or teleported in until Nightmare Moon and Discord were swarmed. The shadow looked with absolute hate at the monster as the creatures closed in on them.

"I hate you."

~ ~ ~

"You say who attacked you, Miss Firmer?" The psychiatrist asked.

"I keep asking you to please call me Terra." Terra Firmer returned from the sofa, on which she lied belly-upward.

"And I keep telling you that I am uncomfortable with that level of camaraderie with my patients. Now tell me again."

Terra sighed. "I was tending the flowerbed around the Discord statue in the statue garden when Princess Luna came toward me slowly in a really strange way, and started assaulting me. I blacked out, and the first thing I did when I woke up this morning was make an appointment with you."

The psychiatrist adjusted his glasses and tapped the eraser of his pencil against his nose. "I think I know the problem. You didn't get much sleep the night before, right?" Terra nodded. "And I trust you're aware that the Discord statue was stolen yesterday afternoon, during your hours of duty." Terra nodded again.

"Well, I believe that when you saw the criminals who stole the sculpture, or rather, ancient godly tyrant, you were sleepy. Working for the princesses must be a horribly stressful job, and you might have been imagining that the thief was Princess Luna coming to tell you you were fired or possibly your repressed foalhood fears of some of those frightful old horse tales about Nightmare Moon, while in actuality it was the statue thief who assaulted you." The professional nodded to himself in satisfaction.

Terra sat there for a while before getting up.

"Thank you, Dr. Cortex."

Dr. Cortex smiled, again readjusting his glasses with magic. "Not at all, Terra! I mean, erm, Miss Firmer! All you need is a good night's sleep and you'll be just fine. Tell me if you ever have any more problems with this sort of thing!"

Terra smiled back, walking to the door. When she opened it to the waiting room, she screamed, and fell to the floor with a thump. Dr. Cortex looked at the patients, to find a young filly and colt playing with action figures of Nightmare Moon, Spike and Discord.

"Mental note..." he whispered, "Miss Firmer's next two visits are free."

Act One: Chapter Five: The Changeling Hive

Discord stood in the town square of Ponyville, the six magical friends - all reverted to the prime of their youth - around him. He hung his head before Celestia. "Yes, Princess, I'm ready to use my magic for good instead of evil... most of the time."

Princess Celestia warmly smiled in return. "Congratulations on your success, ponies. I definitely sense a big change in Discord." She turned to Twilight and craned her neck down to her level. "I'll leave the Elements of Harmony with you, Twilight. Just in case."

Twilight beamed. "You were right when you said Fluttershy would be the one to find the way to reform Discord. By treating Discord as a friend, she got him to realize that friendship was actually important to him. And something that, once he had, he didn't want to lose."

Fluttershy looked up to Discord. "Go on. Say it..."

Discord groaned. "Alright... Friendshipismagic." He rushed through the sentence as quickly as he could.

Fluttershy giggled and held his hand in her hoof. "See? He can be a real sweetheart once you get to know him."

~ ~ ~

"AAAAAAH!" Discord tore away from the heinous nightmare, waking up in cold sweat.

When Discord opened his eyes, the darkness around him was more severe than when he was asleep. Each of his four limbs were tightly tied together by some squishy rope-like substance that sapped his chaos energy every second. His tail dragged along the ground and the structure that kept him off the floor bobbed up and down awkwardly. When his ears awoke he could hear hoofsteps, the snoring of one Princess Luna, and some horrible unintelligible alien chatter from all directions.

The powerless god's eyes began adjusting to the dark, and he could see silhouettes of many pony-like creatures carrying a complex structure of odd-looking sticks.

He could also see Luna's royal plot right in his face.

Creatures popped out from behind stones and stared at Discord before slowly going back down. As the trail stretched on, Discord felt the terrain was changing in its texture and shape. He no longer felt the individual grains of dirt scuffing along his draconic tail, but instead the ground now felt moist, sticky and absolutely unnatural.

Discord blinked and looked past the sleeping pony before him, and saw a dim green light at the end of the tunnel.

Of course, it is typical for there to be a light at the end of any tunnel. And any reasonable draconequus knows that this light can only signal good and those schmucks in the hospital are telling you to come back just because they're jealous. However, this light had something off about it. If Discord had any capacity for dread, his chest would be full of it.

"Discord..." Nightmare Moon whispered as they drew closer to the light. He could barely hear her over all the noise.

"Yeah?" He returned in a hushed tone. "What do you want, I was napping!"

"If I remember correctly, we were ponynapped by the changelings before we awoke here, right?" She asked.

"That's right, genius. I guess we at least have that going for us."

The shadow and the beast braced themselves for what was behind the light. When they passed through, it surpassed any expectation or image they had of the Changeling Hive.

It was obviously deep underground, because there was a colossal, egg-shaped dome serving as the hive's ceiling. It was composed of a sleek black substance with little changeling holes and glowing green veins running along it, pumping massive quantities of who-knows-what through the hive and illuminating the buildings of the hive. Thousands of the hideous bug-ponies buzzed through the air and trotted along the ground, some stopping to stare at her and Discord, their captives. The light was much better in here, and Nightmare Moon was shocked to see the hive up close. It was built with the same material as the walls, nearly every window or other structural orifice was beaming with green light, and it had very pointed, angular design changes. But even with all these differences, Discord and Nightmare Moon knew exactly what it was.

The Hive was Canterlot.

The placement of the buildings matched up, and there were street lamps along the black road. Discord even spotted a stand-in for the Golden Apple tree. It was a sickly, knotted arbor that twisted and writhed in its black soil, and underneath the bark Discord saw the same glowing slime that pulsed through the walls. What he assumed were two tiny changeling foals played beneath around the fallen black apples.

Nightmare Moon was disturbed and intrigued by this place. She was snaking and winding her shadowy form around the roads, trying to get a better look at the Hive, when suddenly it hit her. She knew where the changelings were taking her. She turned her eyes to look forward and there, up on an unnaturally sharp and symmetrical hill, was Canterlot Castle.

It was a dull and pointed one all in black and green, but it was the castle she knew nonetheless.

"Discord! What are we going to do about the Changeling queen?" She whispered over the chatter of infinite changelings.

"No clue. How about we improvise?"

"Let me just make it clear to you, Discord, that you are absolutely no help at all."

~~~

Princess Celestia sat on the bed in Twilight's loft above the library. She rubbed her temples and took a long swig from a bottle of hard cider. Two royal guards stood before her with papers detailing the events of the past day.

"Alright, alright, alright. I'm going to repeat what you just told me, and you tell me if I've left anything out. Discord was somehow freed a few hours after I left for Ponyville. He kidnapped Luna, beat up a gardener, and Prince Blueblood is nowhere to be found. Shortly afterward, somepony calling themself 'Dennis' commandeered a hot-air balloon in Las Pegasus, with a suitcase containing one Princess Luna of Equestria. Now Discord, Luna and the hot-air balloon in question are nowhere to be found. There, is that it?"

The guards exchanged glances.

"Actually, your highness, you left out the part about the two police officers roughing up the little sister of Applejack, Element of Honesty."

Celestia cringed and downed the rest of the cider. "Ungh... get me through this, Flam."

"Princess, you are talking to a bottle of Flam's Hard Cider. The actual Flam lives in Manehattan, not on that bottle." The second royal guard said.

Celestia groaned. "Thank you."

"It is my honor!" He said with a smiling salute as Celestia chugged the rest of the bottle. She tossed it into the trash with the others, and got up from the bed.

"Get my bag. The big bag. In the chariot." She said drolly whilst looking out the window. About a minute later, three guards hauled a large, ornate suitcase into the room. Celestia lifted it onto Twilight's bed with one hoof, snapped it open, and smiled ever so wickedly at the contents.

"Princess... is that armor?" A guard asked.

Inside the trunk was a suit of armor not dissimilar to that of Nightmare Moon's, but in gold. The princess offered an explanation as she put it on piece by piece.

"Yes, that it is. You see, Mr. Shield, when my little sister decided to turn on Equestria, I was weak. I was weak because when Luna and I took the nation's helm, Equestria had been at peace for many centuries. So when she rose up with the added power of whatever horrible demon influenced her, I was going to be defeated. And because of my own weakness, my little sister spent a thousand years lost on the moon. Because of my weakness, many generations of Equestrians never knew her beautiful night." She sighed. "I wanted to make sure that I never made that mistake again. So I spent the next thousand years using whatever free time I had to train myself to become the ultimate warrior. I subjected myself to punishment no sane pony would tolerate in my efforts to serve Equestria in all ways I could. I wanted to be able to protect my country and my sister, so that no harm would ever come to them again."

One of the guards spoke up. "But Princess, my father told me that the changelings overpowered you at the wedding of Shining Armor and Princess Cadence. What about that?"

The princess smiled. "That was different. The changelings leeched the power of Equestria's, and most notably, Shining Armor's, love to use against me. While I am powerful beyond comprehension, I will always be less so than the power of love."

A pegasus guard in the back pretended to gag, and an Earth pony guard stifled a giggle.

"And now, Discord has risen again. Since Luna never did get a good grip on her emotions, he might have been able to coax Nightmare Moon out of her, too. To save the world, I have no choice but to stop him before the situation worsens." The princess finished donning the armor and stood up, gleaming like a beacon of war. A guard cleared his throat and nervously shuffled up to Celestia.

"Erm, Princess, would you require any reinforcements on this mission?" He asked.

Celestia shook her head no. "I wrestled this land out of that mad king's claws a thousand years ago, and I'll do it again today." She clanked downstairs in the heavy armor.

"Good morning, Celestia!" Called Shining Armor from the dining room.

"Can't talk now, gotta go kill Discord." Was her short reply.

"Oh, um, uh, um... okay." He responded as she shot through the window in a blaze of solar light.

~ ~ ~

The changelings carried Discord and Nightmare Moon through the winding corridors of their castle, and dropped them down in the center of the throne room. They slipped them off the sticks, but left them bound as they scurried away. Lying on the ground, Discord shuffled around to face the throne. It was shrouded in darkness, but Discord could clearly see the changeling queen. She breathed loudly, seemingly a very labored task for her.

"In all my years... I'd never expect to see you in person, draconequus." She said in a trembling monotone. The queen stepped down from her black throne, and Discord was surprised to see the frail, pale creature that once was the Changeling Queen. She moved without purpose toward him. "What, don't care for the new look? I admit, I've let myself go... well, go even further, because how far down can a mangled bug go?" She asked wistfully to herself.

"I'm sorry, but have we met? I don't think we've been formally introduced." Discord asked. The Changeling Queen spun around to face him.

"I am Chrysalis, queen of the Changelings. In the years I've lived, I've come to know that you are the mad, fallen lord of the entire world, who once drowned the Earth in chaos. With you is Princess Luna, and from the hate I sense around her, you've got a third among you." She said without emotion.

"Welp, you got us. But if anypony asks, I'm Dennis." Discord returned as Nightmare Moon groaned as loud as she could. This clearly startled the Changeling Queen, and she pointed at Luna.

"Did that shadow just growl?" She asked. Discord stood up, his hands still bound.

"Yep, that it did. Say hello to Princess Luna's resident grump, Nightmare Moon."

Chrysalis raised an eyebrow. "Nightmare Moon? But I thought that she was vanquished forever by those useless Elements of Harmony."

"At least I wasn't off-hoofedly blasted to kingdom come by a pair of newlyweds." She growled in return.

Chrysalis's muzzle scrunched up in fluster. "Alright, never mind that. Now, I've been meaning to ask, what in Equestria would bring an ancient demon of chaos, a sleeping Princess of the Night, and a chained-up ghost of the night to my humble abode?"

Discord cleared his throat. "Well, we'd planned on running a campaign to overthrow Celestia and return the nation to its glorious, chaotic natural form." He smiled. "Of course I can't do this with only the help of a sweet little princess's imaginary friend, and since just about everyone else on our list is dead, we came seeking the help of you changelings. We know how sneaky you all are, and as you can see, Moony and I don't really have the 'sneaky factor' working for us."

Chrysalis smirked. "Well, I'm flattered that you celebrities came looking for the help of little old me, but there's a question that's just prying at my mind: would it benefit me more to assist you in your doomed little conquest, or simply put you two up in webs and feed my little changelings off the arcane magics of chaos and shadow until I cast your husks into the feeding frenzy of my empire?"

Discord twiddled his mismatched thumbs in thought. "Now, that's a good one. Oh, for the love of Chancellor Puddinghead, I can never think up answers to these things! Moony, you try. Why would it be better for our good friend Chrysalis to join in our crusade than to let her horde suck us dry?"

"I hate you," echoed Nightmare Moon.

"I'm waiting for an answer..." Chrysalis was already imagining what chaos magic would taste like.

"Alright, fine!" The shadow barked. "If you stand with us, you'll have a second chance to get everything you had aimed for, everything you failed to achieve, when you tried to take Canterlot. You could torture Cadence and Shining Armor - since the two of us have no use for them - and you could sustain your hive indefinitely once we can do away with the Elements of Harmony."

Discord grinned as he coiled himself around the queen, and pried her eyelids as open as far as they'd go with his bound hands.

"Just picture it, Chrysalis. The entire world clouded in a state of eternal night, the laws of reality tearing themselves asunder as the stupid little ponies of Equestria run around helpless and wonder why their Celestia deserted them. There will be no peace, there will be no happiness! All that will be is darkness, chaos, and deceit. Your hive will grow exponentially! In fact, there'll be so many changelings, you won't need a hive. The world will be your hive!"

"The whole world..." Chrysalis was so enthralled with the vision that she neglected to shake the draconequus off of her. At least, she neglected to for the next few seconds.

When Discord was done complaining about the bite marks, he cleared his throat again. "Well, we're sorry for wasting your time," he said, holding his arms out to the queen, "just hang us up in some of those cocoons and pump eons worth of the two most feared dark magics into yourself and your minions. Hey, maybe along with the horrible mutations, it could have some good side effects when the Royal Guard break down your door looking for little Luna there."

The Changeling Queen audibly gulped. She hadn't considered that Celestia would come looking for Luna.

"A-and, how can you guarantee that this will work?" She asked Discord with worry. In the silence of the throne room, the draconequus leaned in on her with a smirk.

"Things not working never stopped me," he responded. "All we are is three failures with nothing left to lose and a whole lot to gain. Now are you with us, or what?"

Queen Chrysalis was silent for a long time. She turned around and masked herself in the shadow, mumbling her thoughts to herself. Eventually she sighed, and the binds on Discord and Luna disintegrated.

Filled with excitement, Discord shot up into the air, fireworks popping out of nowhere and illuminating the chitinous castle. He began doing the moonwalk upside down whilst reciting the Royal Decree of 205 A.B., in reverse. However, he was cut off when the clop of a dark navy hoof on his face sent him flying.

**"DISCORD, THOU FOUL BEAST! THOU...* hast..."* Luna's voice trailed off as she soaked in her surroundings. They were completely foreign. Though aside from Discord, there was one other thing she recognized: her shadow. It seemed to move on its own, twisting and turning in the dark. It stared back at her. Luna thought it looked like a mare... a nightmare.

"NIGHTMARE MOON!" She screeched. Her horn illuminated with magic as she blasted beams of light at the shadow, Nightmare Moon dodging them all. "CEASE THY EVASION! ACCEPT THY FATE FOR THY TRESPASSES! THOU SHALT TASTE THE POWER OF LIGHT MAGIC AND BE DEST- mmph!" Luna was unable to continue. When Discord looked up to see why, he found himself gaping in awe. Chrysalis held Luna in her arms high in the air, lips sealed in, what was for Chrysalis, a passionate kiss.

Luna's eyes darted around the chamber, and she found herself unable to resist as her wings unfolded to their full span. Nightmare Moon looked on with wide eyes, blushing as profoundly as a shadow could. Almost three minutes later, Luna's eyes closed, and the Changeling Queen buzzed back down to the ground. She slung the snoozing alicorn onto her back, where she yawned, wearing the smile of one in a pleasant dream. Chrysalis nuzzled her mane, and then walked slowly forward to the back of the chamber.

"Come with me." She whispered.

Nightmare Moon and Discord exchanged awkward glances before the draconequus shuffled to keep up.

~ ~ ~

Fully geared up in battle armor, Celestia soared as fast as she could through the sky. Her ever-so-pretty wings shot her through the atmosphere at speeds unimaginable to even the strongest pegasus.

Since Luna's return, she had wanted to stay in communication with her at all times should anything bad ever happen to her little sister. So, she had placed an incantation on her that would allow her to pinpoint her at any moment. Closing her eyes, Celestia tracked her sister's position.

The first bad sign was the weak signal of chaos magic surrounding her.

The second one was that she was in the center of the Changeling Hive.

The third was the very questionable dream about Shining Armor and a decadent chocolate cake that she was having.

Celestia soared faster.

Act One: Chapter 6: Pain Train

Chrysalis led Discord down a long, winding tunnel. The sleek walls closed in around him, and began looking particularly different from any part of Canterlot he'd ever seen. Not that he'd seen too much of Canterlot aside from the statue garden and the path of the annual Hearth's Warming parade, where his statue would be displayed on a float. After a long, long walk, they reached a door.

"Prepare to be amazed," Chrysalis said with a half-wicked grin as she gripped the door.

When she opened it, Discord and 'Nightmare Moon were quite amazed indeed. They found themselves in the most luxurious train car they'd ever seen, complete with velvet carpeting, plush seats, marble walls with gold-trimmed windows, and even a few servant ponies patrolling. One of them bowed before Chrysalis, and lifted a silver platter with two drinks atop it to her. She snatched the glasses in her aura, and passed one to Discord.

"Try it." She commanded. Without thinking, the draconequus downed the whole thing. His eyes lit up as he beamed.

"Heavily salted chocolate milk with anchovy oil! That's my absolute favorite! How did you do all this?" He asked.

Chrysalis dropped Luna down on a seat and lied down beside her. She motioned for Discord to join, but it was hard to see from all the servants swarming her.

"It's a very long and very boring story. You see, so many changelings die each day that I have to find a use for them all. And after the Canterlot failure, I decided to invest in this. The interesting thing about changelings is that we don't lose our shape-changing properties when we die, we just have no controlling mind to use it with." She said nonchalantly, sipping from her drink.

Nightmare Moon was stunned. "So you're saying that this train is made of-"

"Yes, dead changelings. What your friend is drinking is raw changeling magic, harvested from the brains of their discarded corpses. It tastes however you want it to." She returned.

Nightmare Moon became nauseous as she watched Discord continue to drink the stuff.

"And I suppose that these cute little guys are changelings, right?" Discord said, ruffling the hair of one of the servants. The pony growled, revealing rows of sharp teeth. Discord jerked his hand back to avoid a snapping jaw.

"You got it," returned Chrysalis. She looked to Nightmare Moon, and then to Discord. "Sorry if I'm not being a very good host, does this train fit your liking? I can change it to whatever shape I want."

Discord sat in thought, tapping his chin with his eagle claw. He opened his mouth to speak, but Nightmare Moon immediately cut him off.

"How about something in the style of a pre-Luna chariot? I have always been a sucker for ancient comforts, considering that I spent the better part of my life in ancient times." She said coolly.

Chrysalis groaned. "I might have forgotten to mention to you two: I am not a fallen god or ancient mythical terror like you two. I'm not even a century old! And I've only lived this long thanks to the odd unicorn wanderer..." she slumped down next to the window, pushing Luna to the ground with a thump. "Try and rephrase that in a way I would actually understand?"

Nightmare Moon put some thought into it.

"Effectively, intricate carved wood seats, less marble and gold, give it a very rustic feel if you could." She said.

Chrysalis nodded and called over one of the servants. She pulled her up to her face and glared into the changeling's eyes, and then opened her mouth. Discord and Nightmare Moon were startled by the horrible insectoid screech that came forth, followed by one nearly identical from the changeling servant. They watched as the disguised changeling blankly scurried to a corner of the train car, produced a green flash from its horn and melted into the ground without complaint.

Next, the entire train flashed green. When it faded, it was as ancient and warm as Nightmare Moon had asked for.

"Wait, did that changeling just melt into the floor?" Discord asked, one eyebrow raised.

Queen Chrysalis nodded without interest. "Yes, that it did. The train is made of changelings, and it needs changeling magic to, well, change."

Discord took a final sip from his glass before tossing it away. "I am positively intrigued by this biology lesson, but this question's been picking at me all day. Why did, erm... you... ki-ki-, uh..." he cleared his throat.

"The kiss?" Chrysalis raised an eyebrow with a smirk. Discord nodded, locking his hands tightly together. Nightmare Moon looked on, the awkwardness of the situation piercing her shadowy form. "As the Changeling Queen, I live on love and positive emotion. Through that contact I was able to spark Luna's mind and make it susceptible to my control. From there I could control what the activity of her brain and body. Naturally, I decided to put her to sleep." Chrysalis ruffled Luna's mane. "The little sweetie will be lucky if she wakes up within the next two weeks."

By then, the train finally started to move. It slowly picked up the pace, chugging along at a low speed. Discord watched the chitinous walls go by faster and faster as the train sped up, until the locomotive exited the hive and he was greeted by a clear blue Equestrian sky.

"I suppose the tracks are made of changelings, too?" He asked.

Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon both looked back with expressions of complete contempt. "No, they are not. They are made of wood and metal." Chrysalis said flatly. She then pulled all the curtains down, so as to block the light coming into the train car. The queen yawned and looked to her new partners in crime.

"I plan on getting some sleep while we're on the road if you don't mind... since you two were so rudely awakened from your nap earlier, I wouldn't be offended if you did too." The Changeling Queen said before curling up for a nap. Discord snapped his fingers and reclined in the resulting beanbag chair full of jelly beans, placing a blindfold decorated with closed eyes atop his own. Nightmare Moon looked on at both of them with disdain and confuzzlement before rolling her eyes, shrinking her shadowy form down beneath Luna, and dozing off.

~ ~ ~

After the news of Discord and Luna's disappearance finally made its way around. The immediate reaction, of course, was panic. Some suggested Celestia had known, and the Harmony Fair was her secret scheme to flee Equestria. Some thought that Discord was revived, and was stealing Luna to make her his queen in a mysterious realm of chaos. Others dispelled the news as rumor, and a few of the royal servants inferred that Luna was probably hiding in the basement with the statue, throwing a fit about dinner being late. While almost everyone had decided on their own idea, that did not stop the fact that the nation was in panic. And when there was a problem this serious, the court would always turn to Celestia's Cabinet of Nobility.

In the castle, there was a small wooden cabinet with the names of all Canterlot nobles written on little slips of paper. They'd usually pick one out of the cabinet and leave them to deal with the problem.

All of the royal advisors gathered around the cabinet as the Duke of Trottingham pulled up a slip.

"Prince - ugh, - Blueblood." He called out. All of the other advisors groaned in unison.

"Pick a better one, Blueblood is the worst." One called out. The Duke nodded and pulled up another slip.

"The Duke of Trott - I mean, eh, Lord Fancypants!" He said in a brightened tone. The rest of the advisors expressed their agreement in nods and hushed compliments. "Alright, we'll inform Fancypants of his duty as quickly as possible. Then, this whole mess will be out of our hair."

The nobles filed out of the hall, happily chatting amongst themselves in the knowledge that they wouldn't have to do anything about the problem.

~ ~ ~

"I've already told y'all! My name isn't Dennis, it's Apple Bloom!"

Apple Bloom was in the Canterlot Mental Hospital, tied snugly in a straithacket and sitting before a doctor behind a large wooden desk. "The little sister of Applejack, Element of Honesty? That ring any bells for ya?"

The doctor slightly outside the circle, legs crossed as he tapped a pen against his nose. He scribbled something down on a notebook. "It is very hard to break this to you, Dennis, but you are a very insane and very dangerous mare. We have photographic evidence that you kidnapped the Princess of the Night."

Apple Bloom raised an eyebrow. "Photographic evidence? Care to show your ol' friend Dennis these pictures?"

The doctor nodded and placed two pictures on his desk. Apple Bloom leaned in to get a look at them, and when she did, she felt her brain snap in two.

The first picture was of Discord, carrying a suitcase with a ridiculous wig of scarlet leaves atop his noggin. In the second one, Discord was being chased by two pegasi in police uniforms. The bag was partially unzipped, and Apple Bloom could see a little bit of Luna's mane flowing out.

"Does that mare in the picture remind you of anypony, Dennis? That pony is you. You may not remember it, but you committed this crime." The doctor said in a hushed tone, as if to lighten the news to Apple Bloom. When she looked back up, her expression was halfway between rage and bewilderment.

"How could anypony in their right mind not see that ain't me? I look nothing like that! That's clearly Discord in a wig!" She yelled, making no effort to contain herself. The doctor pulled out his notepad.

"Multiple... personality... disorder... recommend... shock... therapy..." He mumbled as he wrote. Apple Bloom gasped before jumping out of her chair.

"I don't have any disorder! I shouldn't even be here! My name ain't Dennis! I'm Apple Bloom!" She screamed. The doctor flinched and flailed his front legs in terror.

"Security! Security!" He called. Almost immediately, two tall, broad ponies came in to apprehend Apple Bloom. She struggled in her bonds as they carried her away.

"I'm not Dennis! It was Discord! Discord! Discord!" She cried before the office door slammed shut. The doctor got back into his chair, picked up his pen and notepad.

"Recommend... extensive... shock... therapy."

~ ~ ~

Discord was dreaming.

He sat on an upside-down throne in the floating ruins of Canterlot Castle, watching in amusement as the creatures of the Everfree Forest put on a Hearth's Warming Eve pageant in reverse. He hummed to the rhythm that wasn't there, and laughed at a joke that no one had made.

"You seem to be enjoying yourself," said Nightmare Moon. Discord leaped out of his chair with a start. He turned his head to the right to see her.

She was not the shadow he'd seen before, although she was just as dark. Her entire body was as black as night and her mane of ethereal magic blew in a fashion not dissimilar to Luna or Celestia's. She wore a striking blue helmet, four regal Alicorn-shoe-thingies, and a breastplate emblazoned with a crescent moon.

"Take five, boys." Discord said, waving the Everfree monsters into thin air before turning back to Nightmare Moon. "Do you always invade others' dreams like this?"

"Not all the time. Only when I have a particularly entertaining nightmare to try on a head other than Luna's." Nightmare Moon responded.

"Oh, so you came here to scare me?" Discord asked.

Nightmare Moon shook her head. "No, I just wanted to see if anything ever actually goes on in your head. And I was also interested in seeing if you intended to keep your promise about not leaving me to rot once you take over Equestria." She looked up to see the night sky twinkling above them, though Nightmare Moon noticed that the the stars were all arranged in a constellation of Discord's likeness.

"What, surprised that the god of chaos decided to follow the rules?"

For the first time, Nightmare Moon let Discord see her smile. "Very."

They sat in their thrones together, Nightmare Moon watching the twinkling stars. The celestial draconequus waved to her, and she couldn't help but stifle a little giggle and wave back. Discord looked over to her, one eyebrow raised.

"Do I see a smile there?" He asked.

Nightmare Moon returned his gaze with a furrowed brow before turning back to hide a small blush. After a long silence, she stood up and fluttered down to the forest ground.

"I'd like to show you something, Discord." She said without a hint of malice in her tone. "Grab my horn, if you would."

Discord's eyes shifted side to side. "Uh... grab your horn?"

"Yes," she returned, "grab it now."

Discord shakily held his hand out, placing two avian fingers around the tip of the horn on Nightmare Moon's forehead. He looked around as the world around him faded into black. A field of posies faded in, a warm yellow sun warming it from its position in the cerulean sky.

Discord wrinkled his nose and stuck his tongue out. "How horrifying! Are these your dreams?"

Nightmare Moon shook her head. "Absolutely not. This, like I once was, is a dream of Luna." She scowled, stomping down a particularly pretty flower. She craned her neck up and surveyed the area, lowering her eyelids and grinning when she fixated on a point.

"Follow me." She whispered, sneaking over the flowers. Discord dropped into the flora and slithered behind her.

"Oh, Shining Armor, thou truly art a magnificent lover..." Discord could hear the voice of who could only be Princess Luna. He looked up from his position in the flowers, and he saw the most horrifying image he'd ever witnessed.

Princess Luna lied in the grass next to one Shining Armor, one wing draped over him and a half-eaten chocolate cake before them.

"Not as magnificent as yourself, Luna." The resulting nuzzle made Discord want to vomit.

"This is a nightmare!" He whispered.

Nightmare Moon disappeared into the shadows of the world around them. "No, this is a nightmare."

Discord watched as Shining Armor's face took on a horrified expression. Luna gave him a look of worry. "My prince, art thou al-WAGH!" She recoiled, Shining's head now twisting around and making sickening cracks and pops. Luna jumped back as all of Shining Armor's legs dropped off, and eyes fell out.

"What manner of sorcery is this?" She asked in a faltering tone.

Two arachnid legs grew to replace each of Shining's legs that had fallen off, and eight eyes filled the spaces where his original two had previously been. The spider-Armor towered over Luna, and screeched as a snakelike forked tongue tied her up and ensnared her.

"Cease thy silliness, my glimmering rosebud!" She commanded. However, rather than stopping, the spider-Armor swelled and burst into thousands of tinier spiders, all of which began crawling up Luna's legs.

"I command thou to halt!" She tried to stamp them out, but the swarm of tiny spiders overwhelmed her as she fell down on the ground, writhing in revolted agony. Soon, the spiders all vanished, leaving Luna there to twitch on the field of flowers, eyes widened and mouth forming hushed whispers.

Nightmare Moon reappeared next to Discord with a smug half-smile. The draconequus rolled around in the flora, making the sound of one hand clapping as he wiped his eyes dry with his free hand.

"That was hilarious!" He exclaimed, looking back at Luna. "Is this what you do all the time?"

"I come in here every chance I get. Sometimes I stay away from Luna and use the freedom I have in this world to escape from my lonesome, bitter pseudo-life as a princess's shadow. Most of the time, however, I find little Luna and live up to my namesake." Her horn flashed, and Luna was surrounded with five Shining Armors, each taking part in giving her a deluxe spa treatment. She also found a delightful daisy sandwich in front of her, which she scooped up.

"Watch this one." Nightmare Moon said coolly.

Luna chomped down on the toasted bread with a satisfying crunch. All of the Shining Armors jumped back away from Luna, their faces horrified.

"You murderer!" A Shining called out.

"I think I'm going to be sick..." another one held a hoof over his mouth as his complexion turned green.

"But... we are not murderers! Thou art being silly! 'Tis only a sandwich!"

One of the Shining Armors was turned around. "We..." He swiveled around so Luna could see his face, revealing that, rather than a royal guard, he was a sandwich unlike the one she had just eaten. "ARE ALL SANDWICHES!" The pieces of bread flapped up and down with his cries.

Another one glared at her with olive eyes. "Get the murderer!"

Luna's eyes streamed with tears. "Thou cannot kill us, we are princesses! Please, spare us!"

"You are no princess! You are..." one of the sandwiches paused for dramatic effect. "A SANDWICH!"

"SANDWIIIIIICH! All the other sandwiches echoed, and Luna gasped to see that she was indeed a sandwich.

"NOOOOOO!" Luna screamed as her olive eyes leaked mayonnaise tears before she fainted.

All the sandwiches disappeared, and the sleeping Luna took on her normal form. Nightmare Moon chuckled just the tiniest bit, shaking her head.

"Vampire sandwiches? I was led to believe that nonsense was my department." Discord returned.

"Ask Luna about it. When you're stuck with somepony as long as I've been stuck with her, you get to know what sets them off... hey, would you like to see what she does around zap-apple jam?"

Accented by a party horn blast and the rev of an engine, Discord summoned a lawn chair and a large soda. "Now this, I have to-" Discord was interrupted by a massive, earth-shaking

"WAKE UP!"

~ ~ Warning: there's some minor gore in this next part! If you are of a squeamish disposition, skip this! ~ ~

Discord awoke to a pair of black, cratered hooves violently shaking him around. "Ah, I'm awake! I'm awake! What's the prob-"

Discord needed to question no more when he saw the line of dents in the roof, fizzling with green smoke and showing the changeling chitin beneath. There was a loud bang and another one was added. And another. And another, and the line reached ever closer to the passengers.

"Danged Diamond Dogs!" Chrysalis cursed. "They're after my train again!"

The line of dents stopped right above them, and for nearly two minutes they were left in silence. Chrysalis was about ready to take a sigh of relief before a final dent smashed down right on top of her head, causing the entire inside of the train to crackle, flash and revert back to its true, chitinous black form. When Discord came to his senses and turned to Chrysalis, his eyes widened at the gurgling sound that the headless changeling made, and the green streams of who-knows-what that flowed out her open neck.

Of course, he was even more surprised when the final dent creaked, pulled, twisted, and finally yanked all the chitinous metal around it free to expose the midnight sky; the cold mountain air blasting in. He was more surprised still to see a gold-clad Princess Celestia atop the train with solar infernos blazing in her eyes.

"Discord!" She shouted in the howling wind.

"Celestia!" Discord gulped.

"Discord!" She cried, her fury rising.

"Celestia!" Discord squeaked.

"Discord!" Celestia looked ready to explode as she stood in the tear.

"Celestia?" Discord was almost entertained at this point.

"AAAAAAUGH!" Celestia let out a booming battle cry as she grabbed Discord and pulled him out of the train. She threw him several cars down into the wind, tumbling over the tough, organic carts, where he landed broken and mangled on the caboose, threatening to fall off  the mountain. She galloped after him, but came to a halt when changelings flew out of the hole she'd made, swarming her. They blinded her as she stumbled across the train cars.

Discord struggled to look up, but in his blurred vision he could faintly see the scene before him.

"Heh... try and... get out of that... one, Celly... nothing can... get a changeling... off." He rubbed the large section of his side where Chrysalis had bitten him. "Nothing..."

Discord was dumbfounded when the all the changelings on Celestia burst into flame. Discord had to shield his eyes, she glowed hotter than the sun.

"That'll... do it..." he said to himself. Celestia slammed her hoof down on the train car.

"You escaped from stone."

STOMP.

FWOOSH.

"You kidnapped my little sister."

STOMP.

FWOOSH.

"You allied with the CHANGELING QUEEN to overthrow Equestria and take my kingdom back to DARKNESS."

STOMP.

FWOOSH.

"And the saddest part is..."

STOMP. STOMP. STOMP.

FWOOSH. FWOOSH. FWOOSH.

Celestia was now close enough to Discord to lean in and glare into his twisted soul, her very eyes burning him,

"That you were doomed from the start."

Celestia pierced the midnight mountain air with another battle cry as she raised herself up onto two legs. Discord closed his eyes and prepared for the worst, when...

FWOOSH. FWOOSH. FWOOSH. FWOOSH. FWOOSH. SMACK!

He opened one bleary eye with caution, and he could see the stone ceiling of a tunnel less that six inches above his nose. Looking ahead, he could see that the tunnel had suffocated the fires. It was fairly obvious and, to him, quite ironic what had happened to Celestia. The tunnel gave way to the freezing alpine air, and Discord grinned.

"I'll... still... win... ha... ha! Ha... ha HA!" He pumped his fist into the air in a pained celebration.

A celebration that would prove premature when a sharp turn taken too quickly would send him, Luna, the body of Chrysalis and a train full of changelings to certain death in the icy abyss below.

Act One: Chapter Seven: Discord's Inferno

Discord was many things. Namely, he was a god of chaos, the former king of the world, and the undisputed pudding-eating champion in all of Equestria. But at the moment, he was also dead.

Deceased. History. Gone. Sleeping with the fishes. Discord was dead. D-E-A-D, dead.

And, as was the custom for dead things in Equestria, Discord found himself standing on a fluffy little cloud. Though he was standing upon a cloud, the god of disharmony could tell that he was not in Las Pegasus or any other pegasus city. The first giveaway was that the sky seemed to be fixed in an eternal evening, a violet glow illuminating the atmosphere. In the purple sky, the sun and moon both revolved around on visible paths of starlight as uncountable tiny stars audibly twinkled in space.

Another thing that he noticed was that he was standing in a line. The line was composed of mostly elderly ponies, with a few younger mares and colts. Discord squinted down the line, and could see far ahead what could only be a gate made of solid gold, tended by a pure white alicorn behind a podium.

"Hast thou realized thy location yet?" Discord instantly recognized the voice, his eyes swiveling up inside his head and poking out his ears to see one Princess Luna behind him.

"Ah, my little dark lily! How are 'thou' doing today?" Discord asked, staring at Luna with the eyes in his ears.

"Please cease this most unsettling spectacle, thou art frightening the elderly." Luna poked Discord's eye with a hoof, forcing him to move one step forward, keeping the whole line in motion.

"Oh, fine. How about this one?" Discord's eyes made a disgusting schloop as they retreated back to their normal place. Discord turned around to face her, and gave her a little pat on the head. "You know, I couldn't help but notice that you haven't tried to strangle me yet. Or, you know, beat your shadow to death. Any particular reason?"

Luna smiled, giving Discord a nod. "Verily! Hast thou not been studying the Tome whilst thou were in stone? A sin at the gates is punished a thousand fold."

"Sorry, Loony, I'm an atheist." Discord turned around. He then furrowed his brow, scratching his chin in thought. "Though I am what you could call a god. Tell me, Moon Pie, can one worship oneself?"

"One believes that to be what is called a 'narcissist.'" Luna returned.

"Clever girl." Discord muttered.

There was a period of long silence as they approached the gleaming gate.

"So, Discord, hast thou any apprehension here? This shalt, after all, decide where thou shalt spend eternity. Thou art... aware what may happen to thee if thou art not pure of heart?"

"What, Tartarus? Ah, been there, done that." He waved his hand back at the princess.

Luna was intrigued. "We are intrigued!" She said. "Wouldst thy visit to Tartarus have anything to do with thy chaos magic, possibly thy 'mental state' as well?"

Discord nodded, not bothering to look back. "Oh yeah, definitely. I just signed a form, handed over my memories, and left with some brand new chaos magic."

"Thy memories? Why wouldst thou rescind such a thing?"

"Eh, it's all fuzzy. All I can remember is prattling on about using phenomenal cosmic power for good. I can infer that all this wasn't what I was thinking of, and the poor little pony I used to be decided he couldn't live with--" he gestured his arms to emphasize his entire being, "all this, and signed over all his memories." As soon as Discord finished talking, he lost interest in the conversation and studied his talons as if to schedule his next manicure.

"Fascinating. We wouldst love to hear more of thy tales, t'is a shame that we shalt be spending eternity in different places."

"That sounded a little condescending, Luna-Toons. Almost like the sin of pride..."

"Thank thou for thy reminder. Wouldst thou mind if we stepped ahead of thee?"

"Be my guest." Discord said with a smile. Luna cut in front of him, and stepped right up to the marble podium. The small, tired alicorn behind it rested his head in his hoof, scribbling a name down on a piece of parchment.

"Name, please..." he said without any hint of emotion.

"Princess Luna of Equestria, Regent of the Night Sky and the Realm of Sweet Dreams. Former bearer of the Elements of Generosity, Honesty and Kindness. Duchess of Cloudsdale, Stalliongrad, and Manehatten, and Queen of the Distant Isles."

The gatekeeper slowly glanced up from the paper, giving Luna a once-over to confirm that it was indeed her. To her surprise, the gatekeeper showed little interest in the fact that Princess Luna was dead. The gatekeeper marked her name down and then opened the large, gold-covered book next to the parchment. He flipped through pages to the "L" section, poking his hoof at the paper when he'd reached the right one.

"Princess Luna... it says here that you received a one thousand year banishment to the moon for... attempting a hostile takeover of Equestria, and wishing to, in your words, 'drown the world in eternal darkness'."

Luna was stunned. These were the actions of the Nightmare, not her own hoof!

"And once you escaped, your first action was to continue with the efforts that got you banished. You invaded the Summer Sun Celebration and refused to lower the moon."

Luna's jaw was dangling open as her brow knitted with frustration. This little creature was practically insulting her, and the disinterest in his monotonous voice didn't serve to improve it.

"Good gatekeeper, thou art confusing us for another, far more fiendish creature! We are no beast, we were possessed by the Nightmare when we performed those heinous deeds!"

The gatekeeper lazily gazed at her, his cheek smooshed up by the hoof it rested on in such an empty manner. His was a look of a creature that hadn't slept in a thousand years, his glassy eyes full of exhaustion and perhaps a hint of resentment. This time, he didn't even look through the book.

"I'm sorry, Miss Luna, but I am afraid you don't qualify for a spot in Paradise. Your sins are too mighty in gravity and number, and though I know you are very decent at heart, your life's mistakes weigh you down. In ten thousand years, you may reapply for a reservation."

Luna was stuttering and shaking, and the line was getting very backed up.

"For the time being, however, I must apologetically assign you to a cell in Tartarus. Please enjoy your eternity."

Luna screamed in terror and fury as a circle of flame surrounded her. As she sunk into the fluffy little sparkly cloud, the only reaction she could produce was that horrible shriek. Eventually, Luna fell into the cloud. Discord noticed that the fire pit did not disappear. He looked up at the gatekeeper, who was giving him as nasty a glare as he could while still managing to look half-asleep.

"What?" Discord asked with a defensive edge. In response, the gatekeeper only pointed a hoof at the flaming circle before him. Discord turned his eyes to one of the many twinkling stars around him, shifting his gaze through space to avoid eye contact as he held his hands behind his back and shuffling like a guilty filly. After some time, the gatekeeper's horn flared a brilliant gold, and Discord's entire form erupted into flames.

~ ~ ~

"Eh! Babs! Babs!"

Babs Seed chewed on a stalk of hay and rubbed her eyes with a groan. Putting on her best false smile, she opened the door to her room to see what was going on.

"C-come here." Came an ancient, withered voice.

Babs looked to the window, and of course, there he was. The decrepit old coot had wheeled his chair out in front of the window again, just to look outside. Babs grumbled as she trotted up to his side.

He looked worse today. He was slouched over in the wheelchair, and he shook with every movement. A horn jutted out from a thin mane of red-gray hairs, and his mustache needed a trim. His eyes were sunken and hollow behind a pair of thick glasses, and they just stared out past the horizon. Not looking at anything, for anything.

"Mr. Flimflam, do you need me to fix your chair ag--"

"Do you think they'll ever come back?" He interrupted.

"W-what?" Babs answered his question with another question in a manner most impotent.

"My brother. His wife. They're gone, aren't they?"

Babs stood there in silence. She had seen him get like this before, when he'd think about Flim and Trixie and sit out by the window, listlessly gazing out past the acres of apple trees and into the horizon. About how one morning the two closest to him left for a life of crime. About how in so few months, he'd wake up to read their obituaries.

About how he'd spend the next twenty years cold, alone and dying in his factory.

Babis didn't like to dwell on this, preferring to think of the coming payday or what had gone wrong in her life to make her a live-in maid. Another thing she didn't like to think about is how uncomfortably close he was to going senile, and whether she'd like to bail out before worse came to worst. As she thought about it, though, she realized that she still hadn't answered his question.

"I... I don't think so." She said, her voice almost a whisper.

Neither Babs or Flam moved for what felt like ages. Eventually, he sighed, adjusted his glasses, and gripped the wheels of his chair. He never made eye contact as he wheeled his way out of the room.

"You may leave early today, Babs Seed."

His words were gravelly and sorrowful.

~ ~ ~

When the flames died, Discord could observe a few things. First and foremost, he was not standing on a fluffy little cloud under an ethereal violet sky. His current surroundings resembled the shaft of a volcano in more ways than one, what with the porous, blood-red stone floors and walls dripping with lava. Secondly, the wailing screams of the damned were a prominent ambiance, gently floating through the air like a clarinetist at the Grand Galloping Gala. Finally, both Princess Luna and Nightmare Moon - in all her physical, non-shadowy glory - were standing before him, each with a set of glaring eyes designed to kill a whale.

"So, how have your days been, ladies?"

Two hooves of different sizes, color and hardness connected with his teeth.

~ ~ ~

It had been precisely two weeks since the first day of the Harmony Fair. It had been twelve days since Discord and Luna went missing. It had been one week since Shining Armor's report about Celestia flying through the roof of his sister's cottage in full battle armor.

And it had been three days, twenty-two hours, ten minutes and thirty-nine seconds since a Royal Guard unicorn scout had traced Luna's auric signature to a trainwreck deep within an eternally blizzardy chasm south of the Crystal Empire.

In zero days, zero hours, zero minutes and sixteen seconds, Fancypants would be forced to deliver a speech to calm the nerves of the entire Equestrian population.

In the Canterlot town square, a large stage had been erectedwhydidIjusttypethatfor this exact purpose. Fancypants stood behind the curtain, flipping through his cards as perspiration ran down the back of his neck. Dear sweet Celestia, why did he have to do this? Surely there was somepony more qualified! Poking an eye through the drape, Fancypants could see a crowd of individuals over a one hundred yard radius.

He pulled his head back in, shaking. The chatter of everyone outside did absolutely nothing to quell his nerves, either.

"Fancypants! We're running out of time!" The Duke of Trottingham whispered in a tone so harsh it sounded like he was shouting.

"I-I-I'm not prepared yet! I haven't looked over my cards, they won't-"

The Duke didn't have time.for it. Grabbing Fancypants by the collar, he flung him out onto the stage.

The audience immediately silenced itself, every one of them staring up at Fancypants as he shivered before the microphone. He lifted the cards up in his aura, trying as hard as he could to keep calmandflutteron. He took in a deep breath, and began.

"Fillies and gentlecolts, these last few weeks have been, err, eventful, to say the very least. Precisely two weeks ago, during the Harmony Fair of all times, Princess Luna had gone missing. On that day, the Discord statue, otherwise known as Discord himself, had left the grounds as well." He paused to clear his throat and switch cards. "One week later, Prince Shining Armor reported that he had seen Princess Celestia leaving Twilight Sparkle's house dressed in full battle armor. These claims were backed by the Royal Guard, and even if they weren't, Prince Armor has no reason to lie to us."

The crowd was getting antsy. Fancypants gulped, dreading what was coming next.

"Th-th-three days ago, the bodies of Princess Luna, Discord and the Changeling Queen were all found in the wreckage of a changeling train, deep within a frozen canyon just south of the Crystal Empire."

The audience erupted into hysterics. Luna was dead? On a changeling train? With Discord? It was too much to soak in.

"The effort of tracing Celestia's aura proved fruitless." Fancypants whimpered once the audience calmed down. "They managed to trace it to a tunnel on the train tracks very close to the wreck, but after the tunnel, the residual aura simply stops. It was not a spectacular burst of magical energy like the shipwreck, so we at least know Celestia has not died. However, the aura cuts off in a way that suggests that Celestia intentionally stopped it from exiting her as if to avoid being located."

The crowd went back up.

"Celestia's abandoned us!" A mare cried.

"The Age of Discord has returned!" Shrieked another.

"Hide your foals, hide your special someponies!" Called out a stallion.

Fancypants didn't bother trying to calm them down this time. They were in a state of anarchy, running around and already breaking into shop windows. The noblepony slunk back through the curtain and out the back way to his house.

"Oh, it looks bleak now, but it will all be worth it... in the end."

~ ~ ~

Discord awoke to find himself in an office. It was a small office, with one florescent light in the middle of the ceiling. He was in a chair before a desk, with Luna, Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon in two identical seats. Out the window, he could still see the lava and cave floors, but this office must have been soundproof, because it pleasantly drowned out their screams.

"Like my office, Mr. Discord?" Came a voice from behind the desk.

Discord's head swiveled around to see the form of a peach-colored alicorn, wearing a red suit and a snappy manecut. He gave Discord the most honest of smiles as he twirled a little pitchfork in one hoof. On his desk was a small birdcage, with what looked like a tiny sleeping pegasus on the floor, a little unicorn sitting atop a pile of newspaper, and a little Earth pony swinging from the perch.

"Oh yes, I do like your office. A very nice office you've got here." Discord observed, looking around.

"Cease wasting thy time, Discord." Luna growled.

The alicorn at the desk gave a small laugh. "Oh, I can see why you three died together. Such an inseparable little quartet of friends..." he lost himself in thought, before shaking his head. "I'm sorry, I never properly introduced myself. I'm-"

"Beelzebub, Lord of the Damned." Nightmare Moon finished his sentence for him.

He didn't express any anger at her, but simply smiled. "I don't prefer to think of myself as the 'Lord of the Damned', I like to see myself as a guide, for all the little souls who've lost their way. My job is to-"

"Pleasure yourself with the torture of dead sinners for millennia on end, your hatred for your creator and all things good festering and growing stronger each day." Chrysalis quipped.

This time, he was silent for a second. He laughed again, but this time it was cold and hollow. "I see you're familiar with my work."

"Thou art but an old mare's tale, Beelzebub."

"So are your friends here, Princess." He motioned to Discord, Chrysalis and Nightmare Moon. "But that's not going to stop me from throwing you all in a lake of fire for the next five hundred million years, is it?"

After about ten seconds of silence, the demon sighed. "Alright, I'm going to cut the nonsense. I assume you all know I called you here for a reason. That reason is because I am, on a fundemental scale, a very evil being. Though some scholars like to justify me, I would like nothing better than to see the world burn. Unfortunately, along with my vast demonic powers, I was created with a limitation."

Beelzebub walked out from behind the desk to reveal his hind legs. On each one there was a thin, glowing golden chain that snaked long behind him and out the door.

"You see these chains? Until all the life in the world has been snuffed out, they will never break. I've called you in here because I know that you three will very significantly speed that process up. As much as you like to pretend that you'll rule forever, the world can't survive in an eternal night full of bugs where nothing makes sense." A little red fire rose up in his hoof, summoning a pipe. He put it in his mouth and gave them a dry look.

"Here's the deal. You can either accept my deal, go back home and rule the world until it all starts to fall, or you can deny it and suffer unimaginable agony for all eternity. Chrysalis, for you I'm thinking about freezing you solid and then shattering you with cannon fire over and over. Nightmare Moon, I already have a team of imps working on a field of broken glass for you to lie down in as a replica of Canterlot Castle presses you into the ground. Discord, as for you I'm going to go with the classic spit-roasting. It's an oldie, but a goodie."

The three involved exchanged glances.

"We'll accept your deal." Nightmare Moon said with conviction.

"Hold on, hold on, hold on. There's one more thing. As per traditional Tartarus protocol, I'm going to need a soul." Beelzebub hid a little grin. "I already have your soul, Discord, so you won't do. Nightmare Moon, you're just the rampant madness of a little princess, and even if you had a soul, it wouldn't be pure enough for my tastes. As for Chrysalis, I'm afraid that changelings lack souls."

"Oh, t'is a pity. There is no soul among us for thou to steal. Thou shalt have to throw us in the lake of fire and brimstone." Luna's eyes were closed as she feigned bravery and disinterest.

There was a silence as four sets of eyes all slowly locked on the princess.

~ ~ ~

"Thou shalt never get away with this, thou treacherous fiends! Even should we have to fight our way through the fire and blazes, thou shalt rue the day thou crossed Princess Luna!" Luna's voice was muffled when a white cloth dropped on her birdcage.

"Ah, this one will make a great pet. She's a fiery one, but she'll come to love me in time." Beelzebub lifted the cloth just enough to slip a cracker through the bars. His horn flared red, revealing an iron door behind the desk.

"Come with me!" He called as the door swung open, revealing row after row of cells. He dragged the chains along as he trotted down the hall. The three villains followed him through the corridor, taking a look at all the ponies within. They were all behind steel bars, and looked out to them with cold, dead eyes.

"You might be wondering why I've brought you here." Beelzebub said, not turning to face them as he continued down the halls.

"You could say that," Chrysalis muttered.

"I thought that since you were kind enough to give me my new pet alicorn, I'd return the favor. You look like you could use a pet of your own."

"And what do you mean by 'pet'?" Nightmare Moon raised an eyebrow.

"Oh, just someone to help you take on Celestia. She's a tough one, she is."

"You're telling me," said Discord. In one of the cells, he spotted a a duo of middle-aged ponies. Both were unicorns, one a mare of cornflower blue with a salty gray mane, and the other a stallion, with a sickly yellow coat and a red mane.

"Oh, hey! Moony, we'd been looking for these two. Remember? It's Trixie and Flim!"

Their eyes widened as they turned to face the abomination that gripped their cell's bars. "Oh, they'll do perfectly!"

Beelzebub stepped back to peer into the cell, before letting out an uproarious cackle. "Those two? Ha! I'd throw them in the furnaces if only their meager souls would generate enough heat! No, you three need a more powerful slave. One that's had its will broken again and again through a thousand years of countless torture! I've got just the one for you two!"

Beelzebub's hoof rested on a massive iron door. He pulled it open, and his audience's eyes widened at the sight. It was a giant circular platform of igneous rock, floating above an abyssal trench below. The black walls were covered in glowing runes, and many thick steel chains extended from the walls to meet an apex in the center of the room. The chains all formed a tight wrap around a shadowy figure that dared not face the four monsters.

Crystals...

~ ~ ~

"Release us at once! Thou shalt know the wrath of Luna, thou insignificant swine!" Luna screamed, pounding on the bars of the birdcage.

"He's not listening, you know..." came a whisper. Luna cast a luminary spell, slightly lighting up the room in a cold blue glow. Across the metal floor of the cage, she could make out the figure of a unicorn.

"What be thy name?" She asked.

The unicorn was silent for a moment as the light of Luna's horn flickered in her eyes.

"My name is Princess Platinum."

Prologue: The Harmony Fair

-- Shafts of golden light shone through the library windows, reflecting on airborne particles to create the illusion of a solid glow. A thin layer of dust covered the place from the bookshelves to the faded red rug on the mahogany floor. The smell of old, yellowed pages filled the air with a comforting sense of ancient familiarity.

Twilight Sparkle sat in a creaking chair, a warm mug of tea and a good book sitting on the oaken desk before her. She adjusted her glasses, magically turning a page. Her graying mane was tied tightly in a bun by a blue ribbon in the true style of a librarian, and a content, though somewhat drained smile graced her lips.

The floorboards creaked as a tall violet dragon ducked under a doorway. Twilight looked up to him, and he gave her a wry smile. "So, Twilight," he said in a deep, sibilant voice, "what are your plans for the Harmony Fair?"

Twilight gingerly closed the book and turned to her old friend.

"I don't think I'll need to have any plans in order. Celestia has the whole event organized already, so all we need to do is show up tomorrow. I know for absolute certain,"

"That everything is certainly fine?" Spike asked, drumming his fingers on her desk. Twilight chuckled as she read.

"Well, I'm just glad to see you happy. I thought just being a librarian would get boring after a while, without any threats to national security that you, your friends and I have to face down every day." Spike said calmly as he alphabetized the romance section. "Things just seemed to slow down after Sombra's defeat,"

"Oh, Spike, you know it hasn't been that dull. Even if it wasn't nationwide threats to harmony, we still did fun things. Remember Fluttershy and Big Macintosh's wedding?"

Spike smiled fondly, laughing to himself. "Yeah, I guess I just got used to having to save the world."

Twilight closed her eyes and chuckled. "Me too. I'd never wish for a return of Discord or Nightmare Moon, but I have to admit, that sort of adventure was special part of my life."

Spike nodded. Then, his eyes widened and his cheeks puffed up as he turned away from the bookshelf. A small blast of green fire and a puff of smoke came from his throat, accompanied by a glittering scroll marked with a golden crest and a red ribbon. The dragon grabbed it out of the air and looked down to Twilight at her desk.

"I don't think I need to tell you who this is from..." he teased as he waved the parchment.

"Oh, read it, you joker."

Spike grinned and unfurled the scroll.

"Dear Twilight Sparkle,

I am so glad you and your friends have agreed to holding the first official Harmony Fair in Ponyville. My dear sister and I have already sent the Elements from their vault in the castle to your homes. You should get them shortly, and when you do, make sure to bring them to the celebration outside Town Hall tomorrow. I simply cannot wait to come. Cadence and Shining Armor are coming in from the Crystal Empire tonight. I'm sure they've already told you that they'll be staying with you and Spike for the night.

Sadly, my sister has refused to attend the celebration. She insists on staying to guard Canterlot from heaven knows what. She claims that Discord or the Changelings or even King Sombra (how ridiculous is that?) will rise again if the Elements are out of place for the tiniest bit of time. She simply must stop reading those dusty old books.

Warm regards,

Princess Celestia"

Spike cleared his throat and set the scroll down on Twilight's desk. He raised an eyebrow at her. "So, did Shining and Cadence tell you they'd be staying here?" He asked.

Twilight nodded. "Oh yes, they sent a letter."

Spike shrugged, and went into the kitchen. He grabbed what remained of a clover sandwich, and sat down at the table.

"Twilight?"

"Yes?"

"Do you ever miss chaos?"

There was a period of awkward silence before the aging mare hesitantly answered.

"Sometimes."

~ ~ ~

The Canterlot Statue Garden was undoubtedly one of the most beautiful sites in Equestria. Marvelously tended pink rose bushes lined the edges in a circular fashion, and perfectly round stepping stones were placed carefully into soft, verdant grass. The sun always seemed to shine in this place, the moon would gleam and the stars would twinkle and spin. The garden was a peaceful, tranquil island of heaven, that harbored a creature straight from hell.

The statue in the very center of the garden was a sin, blasphemy against all things good and right. The granite cretin was a patchwork of other creatures, dragons, lizards, eagles, lions, deer and and the head of a pony. The monster was recoiled in frozen horror, its eyes bugged out widely and fearfully and its mouth petrified in an eternal scream.

The monster's stone eyes watched as a large chariot of purple and gold landed outside the castle. It watched with intrigue, seeing six small, carefully wrapped boxes lowered into the right seat of the chariot. Shortly after, two royal pegasus guards were harnessed to the front, and, much to his surprise, Princess Celestia herself sat down in the back with a suitcase at her side.

He looked on as the carriage took to the skies. If the abomination could've said something like "good riddance!", he would've. But he couldn't.

Oddly enough, the farther the chariot got from the statue, the more powerful he felt. The presence of chaos in his body felt just slightly more potent. His invisible magic aura reached out further, grasping at everything it could find.

The abomination was quite surprised to sense another powerful, malevolent being near him, likely in the castle.

"Hello?" He sent an auric message out to the force.

"Discord?" A dark, echoing female voice called back.

"Luna?" Discord asked the voice.

"No, actually. It's Nightmare Moon."

There was a pause.

"We have a lot of catching up to do!"

~ ~ ~

In the evening of the day, here was a resounding knock on the library door.

"Come in!" Spike announced.

The door creaked open, and in walked the glimmering crystal form of Princess Cadence. Behind her was Twilight's brother, Shining Armor. He too, as the prince of the Crystal Empire, took on the shining coat of a crystal pony. Spike stood in awe with his arms crossed, and then warmly laughed.

"Wow, you guys haven't aged a day since all those years ago." He smiled. And it was true. Though Shining Armor did not have wings, he, as prince, was gifted with the long, if not eternal, life of an alicorn. And Cadence had that anyway.

Cadence laughed. "Well you've gotten pretty big, Spike! I remember all those years ago when you were just a tiny little dragon, and Celestia would rock you to sleep..."

Spike blushed the tiniest bit, and shook Cadence's hoof. "I don't need to bow before you guys or anything, right?"

Shining laughed.

Twilight beamed with delight at the arrival of her brother, and of her sister in law. The aging mare trotted up to them with a drained smile, and proceeded to wrap them in a hug. Shining Armor and Cadence hugged back, Twilight's soft fur rubbing against the hard, ornate crystal of their forms. After being away from them for so long, the aging bookworm couldn't help but shed a tear in the embrace of her family.

Though was only a minute, the embrace felt like an eternity.

"So," Spike broke the silence as he grabbed a small suitcase, "I assume you guys will want to take my bed, right? I mean, it's the only one here big enough for two, and I've made sure the sheets are washed and folded, fit for a prince and princess."

Cadence shook her head. "Oh no, Spike, we could never! We wouldn't take your room."

Spike shrugged. "I insist, Applejack's already pushed Granny Smith and Big Macintosh's old beds together for the night, I'll be sleeping there. Besides, being around immortals always makes me uncomfortable about my age." Spike laughed.

Cadence and Shining Armor gave each other looks, a whole unspoken conversation passing between their eyes.

"Alright Spike, if you insist."

The dragon lifted his suitcase, and ducked out the library door.

"Do we really make you two feel that old?" Cadence asked Twilight.

Twilight nodded with a smile, and walked into the kitchen to make an evening tea.

~ ~ ~

In Canterlot Castle, the immortal Princess Luna walked the halls. Her expression was stern and wary as she patrolled the dark corridor. The princess always had a knack for the supernatural, she could almost see things coming. She knew when something bad was about to happen. In a way, it was a little like the Pinkie Sense. But Luna's sense was not limited to objects falling within the next five seconds, or whether a rainbow would grace the sky. No, Luna could sense when a cataclysm of epic proportions would arrive to blot out the sun.

Unfortunately for Luna, and indeed Equestria, she wasn't looking in the right places.

The first oddity that a royal servant would pick up about Princess Luna was her shadow. It was blacker than it should be, and it ceaselessly twisted and shivered in the dim torchlight, casting itself on the walls, contorting to different shapes, sizes and shades. The shadow always held the vague shape of an alicorn, but the alicorn was decidedly not Luna. Oh, and another thing: the shadow was Nightmare Moon.

The shadow could feel the presence of another magical entity, one of chaos and disharmony. She knew Discord, and had conversed with him a few times in the past. But now, she realized that he might finally be of some use. From Luna's conversations, she had learned that the Elements of Harmony were off in Ponyville for some sort of foalish celebration, and that this had gifted them an opportunity to escape.

Now, normally, the mare wasn't able to stand being near Discord. Chaos and darkness were two completely different cups of coffee. One was black and bitter, the other one filled to the brim with sugar and cream. And Nightmare Moon hated sugar in her coffee. Not that she'd been able to have a decent cup of the stuff in the last thousand years. But that was all the more reason to escape.

She moved forward, her shadowy form stuck to Luna. Though the shadow resented Discord, she despised Luna with a passion. The pitiful filly called herself the Princess of the Night, though she clung to the Day like a foal. She would raise the moon and not demand respect, but surrender herself and her night just for the benefit of others.

Pathetic.

"Discord!" Her ethereal voice shouted through waves of magic, on a frequency too low on the moral alignment for Luna's little lawful-good ears.

"Ow! You didn't need to be so loud!" The draconequus whined.

"Whatever. How strong is your chaos magic?" Nightmare Moon asked.

"I'm limited to wilting the grass around me, waddling the pedestal around, and zapping the feathers off of any bird that lands on my head."

Nightmare Moon purred in thought. "Can you try getting off the pedestal?"

There were seconds of silence, and then she heard Discord swear.

"What happened?"

"I fell."

When Luna walked past a window overlooking the statue garden, the shadow could vaguely see the draconequus statue face down in the grass.

"This is going to take some thought." She muttered.

Act One: Chapter One: Oh, what a beautiful morning!

The morning of the Harmony Fair, the Ponyville air was tinted with a sense of joy. Balloons floated atop every mailbox and lamp post, streamers were hung from every window, and the smells of confectionery and pastries wafted through the streets. Posters and flags depicting the many adventures and escapades of Equestria's seven saviors flapped proudly in the breeze from the walls of town hall, and from many flagpoles erected in preparation for this day.

Plenty of ponies of different shapes and sizes were gathered in the streets. There were more pegasi, earth ponies and unicorns than could be counted, and a keen eye could even spot griffons, crystal ponies, and even the occasional minotaur. Though none of them could be called the same, every one of them shared the spirit of friendship. Sugarcube Corner was the most notable source of this glee, as fast-paced, silly party music and the sounds of a crowd vibrated out. The outside of the building was completely covered in streamers and blinking lights, with a massive banner out front that exclaimed in bold pink: HAPPY HARMONY FAIR! against a white background.

The outside, though full of joy, was absolutely nothing when compared to what was inside. Like the exterior streets, there were chatting mares, stallions, colts, fillies, foals, griffons, minotaurs and a single Diamond dog inside, every one with a look of sheer joy on their face. The sounds of a party filled the room, the light conversation mingling with the delightful music. Tables stacked with cakes and desserts of all kinds lined the walls, and above them there were dartboards, party decorations and unfinished "Pin the Tail on the Donkey" games that served only to intensify the feeling of the party. Tending to the counter was a boyish, cream-colored pegasus stallion, his longish brown hair completed with a goatee. Several fillies and colts gathered at the counter as he told he and his sister's incredible tales of being roommates, and then landlords, of the Element of Laughter.

"I bet that she gave you a lot in rent! You know, being an Element of Harmony and all..." A little Earth pony filly exclaimed. Pound Cake brushed it off and laughed.

"Pfft, no!" He said, waving a hoof. "We don't charge Pinkie rent! She's done so much for us... for you, that just the pride of having her with us is enough! Also, she's a lot of fun to have around."

Pound Cake's sister Pumpkin Cake, a young, yellow unicorn mare with orange hair, levitated a platter of red velvet cupcakes over past her brother. She leaned over the counter as she put it up to the fillies and colts before them. "Who wants cupcakes?" She sang. Her brother laughed.

"Too young to remember Sombra, and you're already acting like a grandma."

"Oh, not like you know anything about him."

A little, hyperactive pegasus colt buzzed his tiny wings in delight as he ran in place with joy at the sight of the cupcakes.

"Oh my gosh, oh my gosh, oh my gosh! The only time I ever got cupcakes like this was when my parents made them to break the news to my brother that he'd be going to military school!"

He and his friends gobbled the miniature cakes up in a matter of seconds, leaving two for the owners of the bakery. Pumpkin Cake gave one to her brother, which he took in his hoof. She levitated the second one to herself.

"To harmony!" She cried.

"To harmony." Her brother responded with a smile as they gently struck the cupcakes together in a toast before biting into them.

"Did somepony say party?" Came an excited voice from the kitchen.

Pound and Pumpkin looked to each other, and then to the foals.

"You kids are in for a real treat!" Pumpkin grinned. Pound nodded in agreement.

The kitchen door nearly flew off its hinges when the Element of Laughter burst into the shop, as vigorous and bubbly as ever. To say the years had been kind to Pinkie would be an understatement. Though the mare was approaching fifty and had streaks of gray in her unreasonably pooflied mane and a few deep wrinkles on the cheeks (from smiling, no doubt), she held all the vim and vigor of a filly in a candy store.

And Pound and Pumpkin Cake knew that, at heart, that's what Pinkie Pie really was. Her life was made of smiles, of pure, untouched glee. Not just her own, but she lived purely to see others smile. And to that day in her age, it shone through her as if it were a gleaming spotlight in her heart.

"Hiya, everypony! And everygriffon and everyminotaur and everydiamond dog! I just can't wait for this afternoon! It's going to be fun! Super fun! It's going to be extra dextra super duper magic special fun!" The mare was jumping with joy and relishing the attention of the bakery. Pumpkin Cake leaned on the counter as Pound Cake stood behind it, shaking his head with a small smile of bewilderment.

"I hope I look that good when I'm her age," Pumpkin said.

Pound Cake turned and opened the kitchen door with a chuckle. "You won't."

He walked through just in time to avoid being hit by a flying brownie.

~ ~ ~

It was approaching noon in Canterlot, and Luna was having a nap. Her mighty snores shook the walls of her royal bedchambers.

Any servant or guard employed in the Canterlot Castle would tell you that Luna's bedchambers were one of the strangest rooms in the castle. The room had no windows, and its walls were nearly an arm's length thick. It was sealed by a heavy steel door which effectively soundproofed the room when closed. Inside the room, the walls were painted a dark navy with little stars dotting it, and the carpet, which was lush enough to sleep on, was as black as night. Luna's bed had a high, dark blue canopy and a frame of ebony, and contained precisely one Luna sleeping atop the violet dark blue sheets. There was a chandelier dangling from the ceiling that was rarely lit, and at the moment, only one candle flickered at the edge of one of the ornate fixture's arms.

This was incredibly handy for Nightmare Moon. The shadow found that she could move freely in any area untouched by light. She could manipulate the shadows around her, make their shapes change and sizes fluctuate. She saw it to be a comfortable chance to stretch her non-corporeal legs.

That being said, she still did not prefer to be a shadow. All those thirty years ago, she found having a body to be very fun.

Hell, even on the moon she was able to run around freely.

The Nightmare groaned to herself. As much as she hated the thought, she'd have to work with him. Discord was her only chance at having a body again, and maybe in the end, she'd get another shot at ruling Equestria in eternal night. The shadow sucked up her pride and and allowed a slip of resonance to tumble through the magical atmospheric spectrum of the world.

"Discord?" Her shadowy voice resonated.

"Yes?" Came a reply in the form of chaos resonance, accompanied by discordant cymbal crashes and the mating calls of a few water birds.

"We need to work on a plan. How close are you to cracking?"

"Hmm... last time, all it took to break me out was a couple of fillies arguing with each other," Discord's twisted voice called back.

"Are you sure that this magic isn't more powerful than the first time?"

"No. You see Moony, the Elements are pretty flimsy when up against strife and hate. Chaos and darkness? Not so, amigo."

Discord could practically feel Nightmare Moon rolling her ethereal eyes.

"Okay, see here, Darky, you and I are in the same pickle here. If you can find a way to get to the garden and start causing problems, I'll be free and then I can help you get out."

There was a pause before Nightmare Moon finally sighed. "So just how do you expect to get us out of here?"

Discord would've grinned if he could have. "I hear that you can influence Luna's dreams..."

"No, I can't. I'm just the psychological terror that keeps her psychiatrist employed. of course I can influence her dreams!"

"Have you ever tried making her sleepwalk?" Discord asked, his voice hinting of a devilish grin.

In the resulting pause, the shadow gained a newfound respect for the abomination's twisted, stupid mind.

~ ~ ~

Spike the dragon yawned and stretched his legs as he got up from his impromptu bed in the Apple family's home. Scratching his back, he opened his suitcase, which contained a Spike-sized set of clothes tailor made for the fair. A white tuxedo, with a red tie and a blue undershirt, completed with a wide-brimmed white hat and a feather. The dragon smirked to himself as he put the set of clothes on and walked outside.

He turned the doorknob and walked out into the hall. From the room across from his, he could hear the whining of a filly, and the heckled responses of a few mares and one stallion. Out of sheer curiosity, he opened the door to see what was inside. In the room, he saw an impossibly adorable, incredibly flustered, yellow pegasus filly with freckles and a shock of swampy green mane. Around her were the stressed faces of Fluttershy, Applejack, Big Macintosh and Apple Bloom. Apple Bloom was a mare who looked to be probably in her mid-thirties.

Fluttershy was in a state similar to Twilight. Her mane was going gray, and, unlike Twilight, the past few years had seen her having trouble flying. She didn't mind it too much, because her life was happy and full from taking care of her animals and her daughter. Big Macintosh and Applejack were faring as one might expect. They were well into their forties, with a few grays here and there, but lives of farm work had kept them fit and healthy.

Big Macintosh and Fluttershy were doing their darnedest to get the filly into an appropriate dress for the coming fair, but the little filly whined and squealed in protest.

"But I don't wanna wear this! The kids at school'll make fun of me for it! And it's tight on my wings!" The filly squeaked as her little wings flapped and she stamped her hooves on the ground.

"Do you guys need some help there?" Spike chuckled.

Heads swiveled to him, and the filly's eyes brightened as she stopped moving, conveniently allowing Fluttershy to put the last snap on her dress.

"Uncle Spike!" The filly jumped in the air, dashing over to the dragon and latching onto him in a hug. Spike laughed and wrapped her in one arm, giving her a friendly pat on the head.

"Candied Apple! Now tell me," Spike held the filly outward in both arms, her face toward him, "what's with all this ruckus about your dress? It's made by Rarity. Most ponies in this town would kill for a dress from Rarity!"

"It's just that this dress is uncomfortable, and it chafes my wings, and the kids at school will call me fancy, and my teacher Mr. Snails told me that Rarity's dresses are made from the skin of dead ponies." The filly said, looking down at the ground.

"Okay, first of all, Mr. Snails is probably the dumbest pony in Equestria, but don't tell him I said that because he's buying the cider for the Hearth's Warming Eve party. Second, nopony will make fun of you for wearing this. Remember that you're the daughter of the Element of Kindness, and the hardest working, nicest farm pony this town's ever known. If anything, you can just hold onto that."

Candied Apple took what Spike said into consideration, and then smiled up at him and nodded. Spike put the filly down and she ran back to her parents, who were now themselves dressed for the fair. Fluttershy walked over to Spike with an exasperated smile.

"Oh, thank you Spike. Mac and I couldn't get that dress on her if we tried. You're so great with Candy, I wish you could come over more often."

"Eeyup." Her husband agreed with a smile. Apple Bloom and Applejack were busy giggling at Spike's outfit.

"Wow, Spike, y'all look like you're goin' through a mid-life crisis somethin' fierce." Applejack snorted.

Spike adjusted the brim on his hat. "Keep talkin', you old gray mare. We'll see who's laughing when you're sitting in Granny Smith's rocking chair, yelling at jars of weird rainbow jam."

Apple Bloom giggled, elbowing her sister in the ribs. "He's got ya there, sis,"

Applejack shook Spike's hand. Without warning, music from the center of town came flowing through the window.

Fluttershy gasped. "Oh my, is it that time already?"

The house shook as the Apple family and Spike made their way out the door.

~ ~ ~

"Alright Nightmare Moon, you can do this. Baby steps..."

The shadow was inside Luna's sleeping subconscious, creating dreams for the dozing princess. She created a lush, green field beneath the sun for Luna's dream to begin in, and painstakingly crafted a sinful, decadent chocolate cake. As the princess entered the dream, Nightmare Moon hid herself inside of the cake.

Luna was on the emerald grass when she opened her eyes. The princess looked around her, seeing the verdant hills dotted with dandelions as far as the eye could see. She looked to her left, and saw Nightmare Moon's chocolate cake. The pastry seemed to wiggle before her, and then lifted into the air.

"Pray, what form of sorcery is this?" Luna asked no one in particular.

The cake twirled in the air, and came right before Luna's face. Before the alicorn could bite into the cake, it pulled away from her into the air above her head.

"Thou shalt not escape us, confection!" The princess shouted. She slowly stood up in an effort to retrieve the cake. Nightmare Moon grinned, temporarily poking her head out of the the dream world. Discord's plan seemed to be working, as Luna had gotten out of bed and was slowly trotting out the door and mumbling about chocolate. The shadow slipped back into the dream, summoning up a soul window within the cake so she could always see through Luna's eyes.

"Return to us, foul beast of cocoa and flour!" Luna's brow furrowed in frustration. She chased the cake through the hills of her dream, and Nightmare Moon would occasionally have to change directions to avoid Luna hitting a wall. She led Luna through the upstairs corridor, down spiral staircases, through the throne room, and finally out the door into the statue garden. When Luna was before the Discord statue, Nightmare Moon again abandoned the dream realm, leaving Luna with the cake to eat.

"Well, we're here." The shadow said, glad to finally be able to talk without being noticed. Luna held her eyes closed, chewing absently in her sleep.

"Great! Glad one of us is comfortable." Discord muttered with his stone head still halfway in the dirt. "So how do you expect to get me out of here?"

"Oh, excuse me for not meeting your expectations, divine coloring book." Nightmare Moon replied with poison in her voice.

"Divine coloring book? I don't get it."

"You know, you're all messed up and mismatched, like when a foal colors outside the lines in a coloring book."

"That's pretty stupid. You should work on your insults, oh mighty fever dream."

"Stupid? Says the brave little dragon who tried to take over Equestria with candy clouds and long-legged bunnies!"

"At least I actually did rule Equestria at one point."

"Please! You ruled over the lands of the Three Tribes. They were always too busy bickering to do away with your nonsense."

Their argument would've gone on for hours if one of the royal gardeners didn't walk up to Luna.

"Excuse me, princess, what are you doing out here in the statue garden? Aren't you usually napping this time of day?" The light brown mare inquired.

"Mmuuh... chocolate..." Luna's voice came.

"Oh! Here's your chance! Make Luna say something really nasty to her!" Discord's chaos resonance reached Nightmare Moon's shadowy form.

"Alright, I'll try..." she responded with shadow resonance.

The shadow slunk down into Luna's dream, where she had nearly finished the cake. Nightmare Moon considered her options, and then the thought came to her. She took her own form, and stood in the approximate dream-world position of the gardener. She bellowed out her best, most rehearsed evil laugh.

"Hahaha! Luna, it is I, Nightmare-"

"THOU!" Luna screamed, jumping through the air with a piercing war cry and landing on Nightmare Moon, where she proceeded to pummel the snot out of her.

Nightmare Moon, being in the dream, couldn't feel any of it. Looking out through the soul window, she could see Luna's hooves bashing away at an innocent Royal Gardener.

The situation was even more bizarre from Discord's point of view. The eye that wasn't in the ground saw Princess Luna, eyes closed, simply beating the stuffing out of a defenseless gardener.

It was the funniest thing he'd ever seen. In fact, Discord found himself laughing. He clutched his sides and rolled in the dirt, pointing at the event unfolding before him. When he paused for breath, his eyes widened.

He just laughed, clutched his sides, and rolled around.

He felt his face. Scratchy, unwashed hair, two mismatched horns, and one tooth bigger than all the others. He looked down at his body. Long, twisted and slender, covered in brown feathers, tipped with a red dragon tail, the leg of a goat and the leg of a lizard, and two arms belonging to a lion and a chicken, respectively. Flakes of granite shook off him as he stood up. He was silent for a moment, before proceeding to dance. He did the shuffle in joy, and cheered out loud.

Luna had fallen on top of the gratuitously bruised gardener, panting in exasperation. The look on the gardener's face was fear, terror and unrelenting pain, his eyes shifting between Discord and the sleeping Luna atop him. Luna's shadow twisted and contorted, taking on the shape of a much larger, darker alicorn.

"Oh, great! You're free! Now do you have any plans to get me off this snotty little princess?" The shadow asked Discord.

"Ha ha, nope!" Discord gleefully responded. There was nearly a minute of deafening silence.

"WHAT?" The shadow shouted, making full use of the Royal Canterlot Voice. "YOU INSIPID, BACKSTABBING, USELESS LITTLE DRIP OF A VILLAIN! IF I COULD, I WOULD REDUCE YOU TO A PULP IN A MATTER OF SECONDS!"

"Good thing you can't!" Discord grinned. "Looks like I'm home free as of this moment! Now let's see, how about I turn Luna and her little garden buddy into earthworms?"

The draconequus pointed a talon at the two, and shook it. Nothing happened. He shook it again, to get much the same result.

"Hmm... it looks like I'm a little rusty."

"Or maybe they took precautions when they sent the Elements off for the Harmony Fair." Nightmare Moon growled. "Looks like you're without your magic, idiot. And now that I think of it... when they find Luna and the gardener here, and they see you've gone missing, they'll send the entire Royal Guard off on a draconequus chase. Meanwhile, nopony will ever know I still exist. I wonder how many miles underground your cell will be..."

"Okay, okay!" Discord begged, all his pride gone. "I'll help you! But first, we need to get out of here!"

"And how exactly are you going to get me out of here?" Nightmare Moon quipped.

Discord scratched his chin before scooping Luna up and running into Canterlot Castle. The princess over his shoulders, he made his way through the kitchen, through the ballroom, and up into the throne room.

"What are you doing?" Nightmare Moon asked with sincere curiosity.

Discord flung open the balcony door, and dashed out onto the marble balcony that jutted out of the side of the mountain.

"Oh no..." she braced for the worst.

"Oh yeah." Discord grinned.

The two jumped off the side of the mountain.

"You are an idiot!" Nightmare Moon screamed as the alicorn, her shadow, and the abomination that carried her plunged into the icy cold waters of Canterlot River.