Destiny of a Lover

“Welp, another day… another dollar not made.” Sighing, Cynthia exited the internet browser program. Ever since she’d quit her last job in frustration a few weeks ago, she felt better about herself, but she couldn’t shake the chill of the impending meltdown of her adult life from her mind’s eye. If only, she thought. If only there had been time in her youth. If only there had been time in those jumpy, torrid teen years. If only I had known…

Cynthia was a striking young woman in many ways. Her demeanor was usually a reserved one, preferring to avoid others unless she could help in any way she knew. She hid a dismal and undistinguished past; this girl was unique. For most of her life, she knew herself as a boy; so did everyone else around her. She never thought that her life would end up this way, but here she was; looking blankly at the button on her computer screen that would put her back in touch with her boyfriend.

My boyfriend. I never thought… but then, what DID I think was going to happen? That life would go on, as if I had never understood myself more clearly? That I would continue to be acknowledged as on equal footing with any other independent adult? Silently she cursed her misfortune. First, a twisted childhood, at the mercy of the passing whims of an abusive father. Then, religious segregation in a deeply conservative group opposed to everything that wasn’t their own doing. As if that all wasn’t enough, there was always that nagging, never ending feeling that all was not what it could have been. Now, with peace in her innermost being at last, Cynthia was adrift in the sea of apathetic self-interest that was the adult world.

There were always a few things that kept Cynthia’s spirits on the up and up for a while, if not completely happy all the time. She had a boyfriend, a warm place to sleep and eat, computer games, and ponies. Pony toys, pony colouring books, pony stories… then of course, there was an actual show about the ponies too… Cynthia wanted to believe in a world where friendship really meant more than money, where happiness meant more than being financially solvent. Come to think of it, she thought, I should check my online bank statement.

Exiting the Skype window, Cynthia opened the browser again. It loaded slower nowadays. She mentally groaned, remembering what it was like when this computer was new. Fast as a Bugatti, compared to the computers she’d owned before. Able to open programs and execute functions in a few seconds. Now it’s as old and tired as my first car. Distracted temporarily by the meaningless jibber jabber of friends on Facebook(modded to put ponies in every artful place imaginable), the checking of her email for new job postings or comics, the World of Tanks forum(just to check the trolls - OMFGWTFBBQ WG NURF THE RUSHIUNZ NAOW PLOX!!11!), and anything else she could do, she finally opened the link to her online banking portal. Entering her numbers quickly, Cynthia waited the mind numbingly long time it took her kinda-sorta-decent computer to load a simple banking page, dreading having to watch the numbers take another hit. Another bill to pay, another grocery trip to make… It was a dreaded experience.

Before the page had finished loading, she popped open another tab. Might as well make the wait semi-interesting. She opened her favourite pony fanfic site, hoping for an update to one of her favourite stories, just to forget the cares of this horrid adult life crap. At least I’m happy with my life as a girl, even if I’m constantly a wreck. Maybe a nice long chat with the bf about something I couldn’t care less about will help; it always does. Noticing the original bank page had loaded before the fanfic site even had, she reluctantly pulled herself from her second favourite thing in the world, to exercise some adult responsibility.

It wasn’t enough. A cellphone bill to pay, a never ending thirst for entertainment(that cost little, but still cost) just to keep from being bored to the point of self-harm, a nagging sense of guilt at having to accept help from her family with food, rent for next month, a small service charge here and there. It just wasn’t enough.

Disgusted, Cynthia made a mental note of the numbers on the ledger, emblazoning her mind with a safety net of exactly how much she wanted to spend, before there was anymore money to put in there. Goddess, I’ll have to watch it… Thanks mom, for all the wonderful food! The road to acceptance of her self-discovery by her family was long and hard, but she finally had a mother that thought of her as a daughter. At least things are right where it counts. There was finally a stable relationship in her life; her boyfriend shared many of her heartaches and frustrations; he really seemed like the boy she wished she could give the world. Oh well, she thought, better a happy life as a slightly unusual woman, than a perfect life as a man tortured by his own soul. Cynthia counted herself lucky; she had so much now, that she hadn’t before.

As she went back to the site with all the pretty stories about ponies to dream about, Cynthia felt herself lose balance. Putting her head on her desk, she willed the ache in her head to just leave her in peace; she had enough problems, didn’t she!? Putting the pain in a distant corner of her mind, she remembered the story she had been following for sometime now. It was long; sometimes just so funny she couldn’t think about anything else so funny, sometimes so sad she almost cried. It was rarely that she cried, but at least it came better now, with the hormone treatment pills.

That was it! She remembered. A man named Charles was ripped away from Earth, after a lifetime’s worth of pain and remorse. He had been put in a magical world where the inhabitants actually trusted each other(for the most part). With his life experiences, he had ingratiated his new friends in Equestria, and earned their trust by his respect and care for everyone. I’m so glad I have a boyfriend who has all that heart, plus a body! With that, Cynthia realized she was too tired of looking at a screen to keep using this electronic box of self-aggrandised corporate talking head… Well, if only for a short while, I should let my eyes rest a bit… Shading her eyes strategically, she located the power button for the monitor. Moving a bunch of stuff that never seemed to get put away from the bed to the chair, she pulled open the covers and got in the bed. Sleep seemed to overtake the tired girl, and soon she was hugging her piled pillows to simulate a warm body she could snuggle up to…

Awaking with a bit of a start, Cynthia pawed at her one remaining pillow. I’ll bet the other one slipped down on that side, she thought through the haze of dream-filled sleep.