Did you ever eat a spider when you were a kid? Don't lie
“We’re doing this because we care about you, darling. It’s for the best, don’t you see?”
“Yeah, Twilight! Intervention’s not a bad thing, we’re just gonna help you have fun in new ways!”
“I’m sorry, sugarcube, but I just can’t take anymore egg sacs in the apple barrels. Last time, yah almost sent me and the family into starvation.”
The corpulent larva perched on its four legs in the middle of their circle, staring blankly and oozing happy enzymes from grubby purple skin. Despite the limb count, everypony held as a basic truth that Twilight Sparkle was an arachnid. This is probably because the most Cheerilee’s students acquired from her were colorful vocabularies and appreciations for the subtle nuances of vodka . . . and also because spider-wormy is a fun word.
Rarity gave a polite cough, nodding to the shelves of books in the corner. Rainbow Dash took the hint and cut Fluttershy out of some web, setting her on the library floor. They’d wanted to meet at Sugarcube Corner, but it was hard enough getting Twilight out of her basement as it is. Almost harder than getting Dash out of the closet.
“Um, so we have some suggestions . . .”
Rainbow Dash interjected,” Hold on, I don’t think she’s listening.” She gave the faux-arachnid a purposeful nudge in the purple side.
“Grexnrggggh!” It gurgled, drool bubbling out its venomous throat.
“Oh dear, don’t do that in public. It’s not proper,” Rarity chided, wiping Twilight’s mouth with a napkin.
“At least she’s getting a use out of her book lung!” cracked Pinkie, despite the joke coming too early. She fell laughing into Applejack.
The orange mare snapped out of staring at the wall and remembered her cue cards. “Now, we know you’re shy, but ya gotta get out more. You spend too much time in damp crevices, when ya could be catching bugs out in the bright sunny day.”
“Even I’m not afraid to chew my insects in the sunlight,” proudly asserted Fluttershy, happy to not be the worst at something.
But there was an awkward silence as everypony else gave her funny looks, because that’s actually pretty gross. So she squeaked and meekly retreated to the background in shame. Fluttershy doesn’t talk much for good reason.
“Anyway. You’re always cooped in that basement of yours, literally consuming those books—”
“That’s what I call a hunger for knowledge!” said Pinkie, overjoyed that the word ‘literally’ was actually used correctly, and that she’d used both her puns.
“So basically, you got to go out and do some cool stuff. You gotta live!”
Rarity magically turned Applejack around, facing them again.
“Oh yeah. Uh, maybe what ya need is a hobby. Personally, I like sports, but I know them ain’t fer everypony.” Applejack gave Twilight Silkbutt a look over. “And no offense, but yer kinda chicken legged anyway.”
Twilight was crouched low, keen eyes watching for prey. And friendship.
“Perhaps you need a coltfriend. There’s plenty of stallions who would kill for a nice young female such as yourself,” Rarity complimented.
“Jus’ dying for the chance to be with you.”
“And they would too if they mated with you! Girl, you got one hell of a posterior!”
“Pinkie!” Rarity gasped, blushing at the crass speech.
The party pony unashamedly giggled. “Well it’s true, Twi’s got all her junk in that trunk,” she said, rubbing TwiWormy on the lumpy thorax.
“Um, you should protect that part or all your guts would squirt out.”
“. . . Fluttershy, what the hell?”
The strange arachnid shivered, leg twitching. “Jahjahjahjah.”
Rainbow Dash smirked, hovering above them. “See, what did I tell you guys? We had nothing to fear, she understands.” She flittered over to Twilight and gave a friendly hug of acceptance. Looking the beast in the eyes, she continued, “Now we just needa figure out who you should go out with. Any hunk you got your compound eyes set on?”
Twi-tarantula sat unblinking. Dash stared in anticipation, drawing closer. Face to face, she gave an encouraging smile.
Suddenly acid spewed from its carnivorous mouth, strengthened with the power of friendship.
The pegasus recoiled in shock from the impact, screaming as it instantly began searing her skin.
“My face is fucking melting!” she screeched, blindly flailing her limbs like a wimp.
But except for Rarity scolding her language, the others paid Dash no heed, having moved onto discussing options and plans for the now impending date with Big Macintosh. Surprisingly, it was Applejack’s suggestion, having caught him one too many times getting closer to Apple Bloom’s dolls than nature intended. Besides, they were all undoubtedly lesbians anyway so they might as well pass the poor guy off to Twilight.
“So where should they go? Ooh, maybe we can have a date-party! They can play romantic games like spin the bottle and truth-or-dare and kiss the frog!”
Stomach sick with the bitter taste of disgrace, and pizza she’d found under the couch last night, Fluttershy tried to ingratiate herself once more. “Um, that sounds great. Maybe we could spike the punch too.”
Rarity gave her a look. “She didn’t say kiss-ass, darling. Also, your lack of scruples is appalling.” She let the pegasus ashamedly slink back before continuing. “And as for you, that’s an awful idea, Pinkie. Your special talent is festivities. Just because you love parties doesn’t mean you blindly recommend them at every turn, regardless of how appropriate, like some hyperactive child. You know better.” What a bundle of joy.
Pinkie’s smile didn’t falter. “Fuck you too,” she grinned, bouncing in place.
“Greeeeeeeergklj,” announced the freaky Twilight (freakier than usual), annoyed that the story was getting away from it.
“Well ya heard the gal,” translated Applejack. “She jus’ wants a normal dinner date. And knowing mah brother, that’s probably best anyway.”
“Hmm, I suppose you’re right. He is a rather low-key stallion so we wouldn’t want to send him too far from his comfort zone. That simply wouldn’t help matters. And given his quiet, soft spoken nature, a busy location with too much noise could lead to some awkward moments. Not to mention his lack of initiative.” Rarity gave a look to her fly-eating friend (Twilight). “Yes, a nice dinner at a romantic restaurant will suit both of them nicely. Terrific insight, Applejack. I think you possess more intelligence than I give you credit for,” she concluded.
The farm pony, who’d been staring at some lint, cocked her head. “Wha? I jus’ meant the guy’s a pig who hogs all the biscuits.”
“Hehe, guys you have to try this! It tingles!” said Pinkie, cranium currently being sucked on by Twiworm Sparspider. Its eyes glistened with hunger.
Rarity raised an eyebrow. “Um yes, well...Just be careful, dear.”
Fluttershy opened her mouth, but for once in her life thought better of it. What a loudmouth.
“So what ‘bout that place, Pony Hungry Jack’s? Their fries are getting healthier, y’know.”
“Really?” the fashion unicorn scoffed, waving a hoof. “That’s a terrible place for special occasions and if you are planning an event for your employees there, what is wrong with you.”
“Wwrghm whbught jsszz thhgh ghhaffah?” asked the party pony. Spider maw advancing, Pinkie’s head was now completely engulfed, and she made no struggle. A real genius.
“Excellent suggestion! Oh, this will be the best date ever!” Rarity enthused. The mare of course had no idea what her friend had said, but decided it meant her favorite restaurant. She barely resisted the urge to pat herself on the back.
Applejack for her part had managed to pay attention, but still had no clue what was going on. “Sounds good to me,” she said anyway, playing with lint again.
And Fluttershy—No. Nothing from her.
Lastly, they all looked to Rainbow Dash strewn haphazardly on the ground like a champ, but recieved no response except the sizzle of her still-dissolving face.
Rarity turned up her nose in disgust, nothing worse than a rude pony with her bone showing. “Well Rainbow Dash, when you stop being so selfish, you can come help your friend,” she admonished.
“Some element of loyalty you are,” accused Fluttershy, finally discovering the secret to avoiding beratement herself.
“Hey gals, where’s Pinkie?”
Pinkie Pie never was found, but they managed to locate TwiSpider under a bridge next to a red bow and a scooter. The little incident only went to show, Rarity had claimed, that the recluse needed to get out more, then such ordinary things wouldn’t seem so fascinating. But she’d praised the arachnid’s fashion sense, the bow really did go well with her prosoma.
Big Macintosh sat uncomfortably in his chair across from the slimy bug thing, alternating between playing with the silk table cloth and nervously tugging his bow tie. All the snooty employees were getting under his skin.
He looked to TwiSpider, who’d failed at getting under his skin, for support. She wasn’t a bother to him and was, like most things, his fetish. Coloring on the children’s menu, he decided ten minutes without conversation was enough. He manually switched the gears he’d taped to his side.
“Intense place, huh?” Big Mac asked with a lopsided grin. He tried to adjust that too with his hooves.
“Gbbbbbllldkr,” She professed, gazing hungrily to the foal at the next table.
Macintosh blushed at her forwardness. “Wow, uh shucks.” He took a bite of salad, and attempted to chew in a sexy manner. But he choked with the grace of a stupid puppy and drew several stares.
Lucky for him, invertebrates have no backbone so she was not disturbed, remaining motionless and observant, poised to strike. The foal at the next table began to sweat, inching away.
Okay, cool it Big M. You’re a playa, you got this. Just like with Smarty Pants and the bedwetting incident.
Leaning forward, he put on his best non-pervert smile, which wasn’t saying much. “So, I couldn’t help but notice you don’t got no feelers . . . Don’t worry Poopsie, that won’t be a problem tonight.” He wiggled his eyebrows suggestively.
That did the trick. Venombreath Sparkle writhed and groaned, eyes rolling violently, adding some of her silk to the table cloth.
“Oh boy, wow uh, yep.” Macintosh grinned like an athlete who’d just won a medal for being a good sport. Except he was being even more worthless than usual. And was trying to seduce a spider thingy.
Props, I got her in my web now. He giggled like a schoolgirl at his dumb joke and drew more stares. But this time the stallion didn’t care. She’d silked, now things were serious. It was time to take things to the next level.
Which Mac figured he’d discover when he got to it. Due to his parents untimely demise and the perpetual senility of his grandmother (Her name is Granny for a reason), the extent of Big Macintosh’s sexual education had been watching the dog hump his leg. But for now, he’d enact the parts he was sure of.
“Time to feed the baby,” Macintosh suavely declared. He speared some more salad, this time offering it to his date like a pro. Meaning he only dropped it twice.
However, TwiWeaver Spiderkle was once again unresponsive, contemplating the ethics of eating live insects. But at least her mouth was open, so Big Mac just dropped the fork into it. Her jaw snapped shut, grinding apart steel and broken dreams.
And the earth pony sat back in satisfaction, goofy grin on his face and erection tilting the table. She was taking all the bait, at this rate they’d be honeymooning in Las Pegasus by morning. And spider babies. However, he couldn’t help but notice the foal at the next table was no longer there.
Whatevs big boy, we’ll be out of here before they even notice Rarity couldn’t get the reservation.
Playing with his salad, Mac asked, “So, uh, you like that?” He waited for an answer. He had enough waiting. “Eeyup, that’s some good salad.” A true casanova. He looked up.
TwiLonglegs Eggsackle stared coldly at him from across the table.
He stared back.
TwiLurker Sparkukulcania stared with the intensity of a hundred screaming children.
His heart began to beat violently, sweating coating his skin. He’d never felt more aroused by a metaphor.
TwiLarva Silkshitter grabbed a fly and sensually put it in her mouth, thoroughly licking it and simulating fellatio.
Jaw dropping, he felt a heart attack coming on and took action. “Oh Celestia, mah little heart can’t take it!” Big Mac shrieked, leaping onto the table with the fervor of a retired and jaded astrophyscist that’s seen one too many stars implode, and he furiously kissed his one true spidery love in a sticky embrace.
True love requited, the spell was broken and he turned back to his true form: Gummy the gator.
