The Other Royal Pet

by Slateblu1

Rating: mature
Tags: Princess Luna, Original Character, Comedy, Princess Celestia, Sex, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 7768

The princesses have their needs. Some more personal than others.

The princesses have their needs. Some of them more personal than others. Long ago Luna created a position specifically for this.

Now, with Luna returning, the royal consort must introduce himself. And ask some very personal questions. To an alicorn princess. With unbelievable power. Nothing could possibly go wrong.

Author's Note: I had this idea late at night. I typed it up, reworked it a few times, and came up with what I have now. Don't ask me where this came from. Just a random, stupid idea I had.

Published 2012-12-06 09:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-26 18:04:53 UTC

Dear Faust, WHY?

Slowly I made my way through the castle. Celestia had called me to her chambers. I’m glad she had done away with any of the pretenses. No private meetings were called with me, every meeting was personal. It’s my job to help the princess relieve her tension and stress. And while I won’t say I don’t enjoy this job, it’s awkward. Every time.

I reached her giant double doors, made of beautiful redwood, with a large sun, the likeness of her cutie mark, emblazoned across them. I looked at the guards and gave them a sad, tired smile. They gave me their once over, then nodded. They took their leave, stationing themselves much farther down the hall, knowing my services would render theirs unnecessary. Not to mention very awkward. Awkward. The one word that sums up my job. Awkward.

I slowly pushed open the doors, calmly walking in. Celestia sat on her bed, gazing out her window. I walked up to her, wondering what I would be required to do tonight. I gave a small cough, announcing my presence. Not that I ever needed to, it’s just how I held the job.

She turned, giving me her same warm smile. “Ahh, thank you for coming tonight.”

“Always Tia. I am yours to command, you know this.” I had dropped any pretense of formality with her long ago. I knew more about her than her own student, Twilight Sparkle. I did still respect her though. She ruled over a country, and dealt with all the stress that went along with it. And yet, despite all that, she called upon me so rarely. “What can I do for you this evening?”

“I have important news to discuss concerning your future.” I was taken aback. While spending a night just talking with her was not an uncommon occurrence, it was always about her. She would confide in me when she had no one else to turn to. This was the first time she wanted to talk about me since I took over for my predecessor.

“What is it you wish to speak with me about?” I climbed onto the bed next to her, gazing out the window with her. I noticed she kept the moon unusually low that night.

“My sister will be returning soon.” She stated simply. I stared at her. I didn't know what else to do. Her sister? I thought. I had heard from the one who held this job before me that Celestia had a sister, but never expected to meet her.

“What does this have to do with me? Aside from the obvious extension of my duties to cover her needs as well, I don’t see how this will affect me.” The princess smiled. I was always one to get to the point. But that smile revealed that there was more than just what I was thinking.

“Do you know how to best service my sister?” she asked calmly, turning to smile at me.

That question stunned me. I hadn’t thought about that. I had been serving just Celestia for so long, I never thought about my services being used by another. My face fell. “No, I admit that I don’t. However, I am sure I will be able to quickly pick up what she likes and what she doesn’t.”

“I hope so. I expect you to introduce yourself soon after her return. No matter what the circumstances around her return may be.”

I nodded. It was my royal duty to assist the princesses. If I was to serve Celestia’s sister, I would have to meet her quickly. “I do have a few questions.”

“Go ahead and ask.”

“First, does she know of the existence of my position?” I didn’t want to try and explain my job to an alicorn. Especially one who hasn’t been around in at least hundreds of years, and may be somewhat of a prude.

“Ohh, do not worry. It was her idea to create this position in the first place.”

I sighed my relief. “Well, that eases things. Second, what is her name if you would tell me?” I had learned long ago to avoid sensitive issues with the princess. And from her avoidance of the subject until now, I knew it was a very sensitive one.

“Perhaps when she returns I shall tell you. For now, know she is my sister, and that I miss her.”

“Of course Tia. Now I must ask, is there anything else you wish for me to do tonight?” I was there in her room already. My services were at the ready for her anyways, might as well ask.

“I wish to simply talk with you tonight. I find myself lonely, and in need of a companion. As I sent my student off to Ponyville, I have no one to talk with.”

“I understand Tia. Whatever you wish to talk about, I am all ears.” We spent the rest of the night talking. I watched as the moon stayed in the same place all night, only moving, and very rapidly, to set just before dawn.

The day after was the summer sun celebration. While the sun didn’t rise when it should have, I felt no fear. No matter the challenge, Celestia had always overcome it. When evening finally fell she returned, a light blue alicorn, whom I could only assume to be Celestia’s sister, by her side. I listened in, hoping to learn the name of my newest mistress. I was not disappointed, overhearing Luna, to which the alicorn would always respond. So this was my newest princess. Time to get the formalities out of the way. I had a job to do.

I waited a few days before approaching the newly crowned regent of the night. Knowing she was awake through the night, working, I decided it would be best if I arrived just after dawn. I had promised Celestia I would introduce myself. I sighed. Tonight could very well be my last night on Equestria. While Celestia had promised me Luna would fully understand, I didn’t know why I had to show up so soon. She had returned from the moon barely a week ago. While I was glad she had returned, it makes the job more interesting, my predecessor had failed to prepare me for this. And it only served to make this job even more awkward.

I walked along the corridors, making my way to her chambers. While I had passed the hall many times before, I had no need to venture down. The hall leading to her room was made from a much darker marble. Almost black with blue veins. It was quite beautiful. While Celestia’s doors were a warm redwood, Luna’s were a dark oak. Her cutie mark, a crescent moon, was emblazoned upon them. I gave the guards a weak smile as I approached. I was glad that Luna hadn't had the time to hoofpick her personal guard, the Lunar Guard. It meant that the current guard, while in the Lunar Guard attire, was actually just the Solar Guard.

The guards stared at me for a while. Eventually the one on my right spoke up. “Really? She’s been back for less than a week, and you’re already showing up?” They gave me a tired, bored glare.

I sighed. “Celestia ordered it. Or rather, strongly implied that she would greatly appreciate it if I met with her sister soon after her return.”

“Oh, that kind of order,” responded the other guard. We looked everywhere, except at each other, not sure how to act. While we knew each other, anytime I showed up it was awkward.

“Well sirs, I don’t want to keep her waiting any longer.”

They nodded solemnly. “Well, you’re royally screwed aren't you?”

We all laughed at the small joke. “In more ways than one. Please make sure my tombstone says something pithy on it.”

“Well, we’ll be down there,” the guard gestured down the hall. “Away from you. And her. We want to live.” And with that, they calmly walked down the hall. I sighed again. Time to get this over with.

I knocked on the door, slowly opening it. “Princess Luna?” I called into the room. “I have business to discuss with you.”
I found myself enveloped in a deep blue glow, dragging me into the room. I quickly prepared for the worst. “Who art thou? And what business would require disturbing us as we attempt to sleep?” The Royal Canterlot Voice hurt.

I blinked a few times, regaining my composure. I was hanging upside down in front of a light blue unicorn head. I could only assume the rest of her was under the blankets she had wrapped herself in. I sighed. I seemed to be doing that a lot lately. “Celestia sent me Princess. Given the nature of my position, I believe it best that I meet with you sooner rather than later and that you drop the Royal Canterlot Voice. I don’t think this is a conversation the rest of the castle needs to here.”

Her glow disappeared, leaving me to fall to the ground. Head first. “Ohh, and what pray tell is thine position that gives thou the right to call our sister by her name only?”

I rolled over and sat up, rubbing the back of my head. I smiled, glad she had dropped the Voice. It hurt my ears. I summoned up my courage, and spoke. “I am the royal consort your highness. As I understand it, it was you who established this position.” Luna’s eyes widened. She quickly pulled the curtains, locked the doors, and set spells on each.

“The royal consort still exists?” She asked amazed. “Tia never seemed to like it. I assumed she would have removed the position as soon as I was banished.”

“Well, she didn’t. I have faithfully served for the better part of a century now. However, my predecessor did not inform me as to the best way to service you.” I looked at the floor sheepishly. I didn't want to have to determine all this on my own. Still, royal duty and all that. “As such, I wish to speak with you, so as to better serve you in the future.”

Luna giggled. “Well then. I believe we have much to discuss. Where would you like to start?”

I smiled. Not only was I alive, but Luna was willing to be open with me. “Well Luna,” She shot me a death glare at the mention of her name. I just rolled my eyes. “Considering my position, I gave up with the formalities long ago. They feel very trite.” Luna raised a hoof as if to argue, thought better of it, and nodded. “Well, I will need to know all of your fetishes, your general turn ons, your turn offs. What time of day you prefer to use my services. What kind of play you find most releasing. And most importantly, how willing you are to just talk with me. I find that the most enjoyable part of the job.”

She smiled. “While I must admit, I created your position for your other services, I agree. Sitting down and talking has always been wonderful.” She relaxed back into her bed. “Stand good sir. I wish to know thine name, and I shall need to examine you. Make sure you are fit to service me.” She flashed me an evil grin. I shuddered.

“My name is Deep Thought, Luna. And feel free to examine me all you wish. I shall have to do the same to you at some point.” She gave a small giggle in return. Once again I was surrounded by her deep blue glow, but this time, there was no malice. It was calm and comforting, like a cool fall night. She lifted me to her, slowly spinning me. She examined me slowly, making sure to inspect every inch of me. Though Celestia had done this years ago herself, Luna’s gaze felt much more perverse. I felt myself twitching against such a lewd gaze.

Eventually she placed me down where I was. I shook myself a moment, then looked back up. Having pulled back the blankets, she was motioning me over, inviting me to join her. Well, it is my job, I thought simply. I climbed in next to her, gazing into her deep blue eyes happily. “Well Luna, if I may begin.” She simply nodded, her gaze never leaving me. I summoned a quill and notepad, knowing there was much to discuss. “Where would you like to start?”

“I would first like to get the more general topics out of the way.” I nodded. The general was always a good place to start. “The main thing I will likely call upon you for is conversation. I have dearly missed it, and hope to have a chance to enjoy some in the near future. And usually in the early morning, just before I retire for the day.” I smiled.

“I will gladly serve in that position Luna. And whenever you wish to use me I will be ready.”

She smiled back. Turning to lay on her back she pulled me close, resting my head on her barrel. I turned too, facing the beautiful ceiling. She had decorated it herself, as it matched the night sky perfectly. “Well, to business.” I nodded, knowing this would be as awkward as I thought. “First, my turn ons and offs.” I quickly titled my page. “I prefer being the dominant one, though there are times when I will want to be submissive. However, always work under the assumption that I will dominate. If it will be otherwise, I will inform you.” My quill flew across the page, taking notes. “Do not be fully submissive though. I like the challenge of breaking my pet.” I gave a small shiver.

“Your sister is the exact opposite. Always confused me.” I tried to change the topic. Her tone was begging to creep me out.

Luna giggled. A very evil, sexy giggle. “Well yes. I believe she once said that after ruling a country for so long, she wanted someone to rule over her.” I chuckled softly with her. Feeling something lay across my chest, I looked down. Luna had wrapped a hoof around me, pressing me to her. “Well, let’s continue. I find the color red to always be a turn off. Not sure why. I prefer cooler colors, the blue tones. Black is always sexy, but so is white and silver. Gold not so much. Too posh.”

I should have guessed. The princess of the night would obviously prefer darker, cooler colors. “What about lighting? Would you prefer candle lit, or moonlit?” I asked, trying to move the conversation along. Though her hoof wasn't hurting, the way she held me was new. I felt like a pet, being held close so I wouldn't run off.

“Depends. Moonlit will always work for me, though some settings and play require nothing more than candles.” I nodded again. So far, while unusual, she had no strange preferences. She thought for a moment. “Thinking about it, I do enjoy being able to watch myself. It’s very fun being able to see everything.” she gave a small growl as she finished.

I stared at her blankly. “I can bring in a few mirrors if you’d like.” While not overly strange, the way she brought it up worried me.

“Oh, no. You misunderstand. I enjoy being able to see everything.” She placed special emphasis on the last word. “It is much easier with a unicorn I must admit. There is a spell I shall be teaching you. It will make everything transparent. Truly allows me to see everything.”

I stared at her for a moment, slightly disturbed. I turned my head to gaze, very confused at her. "In what way?"

"Simple. The spell will turn my rump and surrounding area transparent. It will allow me to watch as you penetrate me." She spoke in such a calm, happy tone. That scared me more than the idea itself. "I hope you are willing to do this for me." She added, a hint of playful evil in her voice.

I sighed. I knew I had lost. “Yes Luna. I am here to serve.” I finished my notes, turning back to her expectantly. “Anything else I should know?”

“Nothing comes to mind, though I’m sure you will find more as the years progress.” I nodded slowly. “Well, next, my fetishes.”

Ohh Celestia. Give me the strength to face this. I’m worried. I thought to myself. Grabbing a new page, I turned back to Luna. “And what would they entail?”

“Many things. To start, the usual. Ears, horn, wings, other sensitive areas. I enjoy them all.” Well that’s not too bad. I quickly thought. “I do enjoy having my neck bitten though. Not painfully, but lovingly. Also, licking my spine always works.” She smiled to herself happily. “And don’t forget my hooves. They are very sensitive. Part of the reason for the shoes.” She shrugged. “Play with them if you can. I love that feeling.”

“Alright. Sounds like fun.” Still nothing too strange. Admittedly, the hooves part was a bit strange, but nothing I couldn't do. Though I kept feeling that she was going to come out with something weird. “Anything else I should be aware of?”

“Yes.” She responded with relish. “I will require the services of a mare. Unless Celestia changed something, which I very much doubt, there is currently no female consort. You shall have to serve in that manner instead.”

Now I was confused. I can understand that she wouldn’t have many preferences with regards to gender, and that there were things only two mares could enjoy. “Umm, Luna, how do you plan for me service you in those instances?”

“Simple. I will transform you into a mare when the need arises. And I think I shall leave you like that until I wish you to be a stallion.” She turned to look at me, a simple smile on her lips. I was horrified. I had no issues with serving the princesses, but that was too far. While the thought had crossed my mind a few times, I had never truly wanted to experience the other side of the gender divide. It looked like I wouldn't get a choice though. I still hated and feared the idea. But I couldn’t speak out. And there was no use hoping she wouldn't want that particular service while I still served. I had just over 400 years left. There was no way I was getting out of it. I nodded.

Shakily, I moved the conversation forward. “Other fetishes Luna?”

“Yes, there will be times when I will want two, even three stallions to serve me. I will not ask you to bring in anypony else, I will simply duplicate you. Though, I’m not sure how your memories will work.” She stuck her lip out and pondered a moment before shrugging. “Oh well, we shall see when the times comes.”

Again, I was disturbed. I knew it was theoretically possible to duplicate a pony; Twilight Sparkle herself had hypothesized it. Didn't mean I wanted to ever go through that. I sighed. I had some strange, long nights in my future. “Well, we shall cross that bridge when we come to it. Please continue.” PLEASE, I begged in my mind. Let's move past these strange things. I'm starting to get creeped out.

“Well, that finishes it for fetishes. Moving on to play!” She said a little too enthusiastically. Here we go again. “Bondage is always fun. I assume you already have everything you would need for that?”

I nodded. “Of course. What kind of consort would I be if I wasn’t prepared for something like that?” Though Celestia had never used it, I kept it well maintained. No use letting it go to waste. And Celestia had specifically instructed me to keep it. Only now did I see why.

“Good. I enjoy all forms. Especially shock." She shook with slight relish. I could tell she greatly enjoyed that particular part. "Most of the time, you will be the bound one though.” I nodded slowly. “I also enjoy candle play. The hot wax dripping is so very fun.” She added with a hint of longing. Looking into her eyes, I could see the lust and longing for dripping hot wax. She's going to drip it on me isn't she? I thought sadly. Better build up my pain tolerance.

“Are there any specific candles you prefer?” I asked, figuring it would be worth inquiring. And breaking her out of her fantasies. I could all but see them playing behind her eyes.

“Plain candles." She snapped back at once, looking down at me. "The only scented ones I will allow are ones such as Night Breeze, Cool Ocean, Brisk Wind, and Moonlight. Don’t try to find the Moonlight ones, I create them myself.”

While the idea of moonlight as a scent was new, I had to admit, it sounded interesting. Again I nodded. I looked back to my notes and saw I had filled a page. Setting the current one down I retrieved another, ready to continue. "What else Luna?" I knew my only hope of escaping this was to finish, find some excuse to leave, and run.

“S and M is enjoyable. Not as much as the bondage, though I do enjoy experimenting with it.” She looked off for a moment, lost in thought. Finally coming back to Equestria she whispered, “only during that will you ever dominate me.” Before she pulled away she licked my ear, sending shivers down my spine. “I think that covers everything.”

I smiled. “Well Luna, if you don’t mind there are a few things I would like to get prepared. I do my best to be ready whenever I am called upon.” I quickly exited her bed. While we had talked for over an hour, and I was worn out, wanting sleep, I had to get out of there. She was starting to seriously scare me. “I’m very sorry to leave-”

I stopped midsentence as she dragged me back to her, a seductive smile playing on her lips. “Ohh, don’t worry good sir. You can prepare some other time. You will have a few weeks before I call upon you again.” She placed me back under her blankets, wrapping a wing around me. I knew there was no escape. She was an alicorn after all. I turned to face her, slightly worried. “I enjoy having a sleeping companion most days. Though tonight, I think I plan to use your services. It has been a thousand years since I have seen anypony else. I am in great need." I turned to stare at her, the fear evident on my face. A thousand years? I thought to myself. If she hasn't had any in that long.... I finally understood just how royally screwed I was that night. I shivered. "Relax good sir. Nothing too kinky tonight. I shall save that for a later time."

It was at that point I realized the biggest difference between Luna and her sister for sexual preferences. Celestia was always very vanilla. The kinkiest she ever got was asking to be punished like a naughty filly. Luna on the other hoof, I believed that's about the least kinky she would ever be. She was the exact opposite of vanilla when it came to the bedroom. I twitched in terror as ropes appeared and bound me to the bed. Luna climbed on top of me, her evil, lustful grin growing, drool dripping from her lips onto my chest. I screamed in terror. It only turned her on more.

Not Another One.....

Once again I found myself called to Celestia’s personal chambers. I slowly walked down the hall, happy to serve her rather than Luna. She hadn’t become any less kinky in the last four years. Any night I wasn’t serving her was a good one. I nodded to the guards, who nodded back as they opened the door for me. The giant double doors silently shut behind me, trapping me in with the ruler of the day. I calmly strode forward, sitting on the edge of her bed.

Though I had entered silently, and she was busy combing her mane as I walked in, I knew she knew I was there. Sure enough, after her mane was floating happily around her, she turned and smiled. “Ah, Deep, I’m glad you’re here.” She began. I nodded once, smiling. She hadn’t called for me in so long, I was beginning to wonder if she was purposely leaving me for Luna to enjoy.

“I am always happy and ready to serve Celestia.” I answered, still smiling. I walked over to her and nuzzled her neck, turning to lean gently on her.

Celestia leaned back upon me, chuckling happily. “And serve you shall Deep. I’ve been craving release for the past few days.” She turned to give me a sultry smile. “I plan to enjoy tonight.” She whispered in my ear, licking my cheek.

I had been wondering when she would exhibit this side of her again. My predecessor had nicknamed it her Mollestia side. The only time she ever gets very dominate. It’s a nice change of pace, and still nowhere near as demanding as Luna.

It was a few hours before Celestia was willing to let me go. Well, I say let me go. I was still trapped in her forelegs, though she was no longer doing anything. As I slowly drifted to sleep next to her, her peaceful breaths lulling me to sleep, she gave me a small kiss, whispering, “I’ve got a surprise in store for you.” I turned to face her, confused. “It will come in a week or so.” She stated plainly, obviously not planning on telling me more. Sighing, I buried my face in her barrel, drifting to sleep.

A week later my surprise did indeed arrive. In the form of a new Princess to serve. While it meant I wouldn’t have to serve Luna as much, the new princess was somepony I knew from years prior. She had spent most of her childhood growing up at the castle, learning from Celestia, and staying shut in her room. It had been eight years since I last saw Twilight Sparkle, and now she was a princess of Equestria. This wasn’t going to be easy.

I made my way to her chambers after her coronation, both dreading meeting her again, and glad to have a friendly face. I walked down the halls of the castle, knowing she would be taking her old room. As I reached the door I found two guards, standing outside, in armor of purple, pink and gold. I sighed to myself. “Hello sirs. Do you know when Princess Twilight will return?”

They both shook their heads. “No, sorry Deep. I don’t think she’s going to need you anytime soon.”

“As much as I hope you’re right, I still would like to introduce myself. Manners and all that.” I smiled, hoping they wouldn’t kill me.

They rolled their eyes, shrugging. “The princess will return later tonight Deep. I wouldn’t expect her until late this evening.”

I turned to go when a thought struck me. “Do you know what she is the princess of? Celestia has the sun, Luna the moon, what will Princess Twilight have?”

Again they simply shrugged. “From what I’ve heard, she’s going to be the Princess of the ponies. Whatever that means.” I shrugged with them, leaving them as I made my way to my room. It was looking like another long night.

I gave Twilight a few nights to readjust to life in the castle, and to need some stress relief. Might as well have something to give her on the first night. I calmly made my way through the castle to her room, humming merrily to myself. Twilight was awake during most of the day, like Celestia, so I decided it would be best to visit her at night. I walked calmly up to her guards, looking between them. "She knows you're here Deep. She seems to be constantly watching her door." One guard said.

"Good luck. You're going to need it." The other added before they both took a few steps down the hall. Again, awkward.

Not five seconds had passed from them leaving their post before Twilight's door slammed open, a bolt of magic headed straight for me. I reacted instinctively, pulling up a magic barrier, deflecting her spell to the side. "Who are you, what have you done with my guards, and how did you deflect that? Nopony other than Celestia and Luna are stronger than me."

I sighed. "One, my name is Deep Thought, I work here Princess, and I need to introduce myself. Your guards are fine. However given the nature of my position, they find it best to stand a distance away whenever I show up. Hopefully your personal guard, once you choose them, will be informed of this. Third, you are more powerful than me, but not a better fighter. You used a simple blast spell, and relied upon your vast reserves of magic to hit me. You also had no intent of killing, or even harming me, you just wanted to knock me down. It was easy to deflect your spell."

Twilight looked taken aback, unsure of how to respond. She looked to her guards, who had started silently laughing at her attack. They gave a few small nods, reassuring her. "Alright, come in. I must say I do remember you from my time as Celestia's student." I followed her in, closing the door behind me. "Now Mr. Deep-"

"Please, just Deep." The less formality we start with, the better this ends.

"Alright then, Deep. What is your position here at the castle?" Straight to the point with her. I could tell already I would need to be prepared for anything.

"Well, I am the royal consort." I braced, expecting the worse. After a few second of nothing I slowly opened my eyes, finding Twilight on her bed, staring at me expectantly. "Well, that's not the reaction I expected." I trailed off. "You do know what that means right?"

"Of course I do. You satisfy the Princesses sexual needs. And it makes perfect sense. They can't have much of a relationship with a mortal pony, they outlive them. But that doesn't stop them having needs. Though I don't see how that has anything to do with me." Twilight calmly stated, staring at me.

"Well, you're a princess now. So...." I trailed off again, raising an eyebrow and hoped she would get my point. It took her a moment, but once she got it, she turned away, blushing hard. "That's more like it. Well, I wanted to introduce myself, and make sure you knew of my role. I am always available to serve, though should a conflict arise, which I don't expect, I will choose who I serve."

Twilight stammered for a bit before turning to face me, having regained her composure. "Is that all I can call upon you for? Sex? What if I just want to talk?"

I nodded, smiling. I was glad to see she wasn't going to go down the same path as Luna. Hopefully somewhere in the middle, maybe a little more on the Celestia side. "I am here as your companion Twilight. Should you wish to talk, relieve stress, or almost anything else you may find yourself needing, I am here for you. Everything that happens in here with me stays in here with me."

Again she nodded, slowly starting to smile. And then it disappeared. I hate it when that happens. I was scared for my life when her smile vanished. Then she made a comment I wasn't expecting. "Um, Deep? I prefer mares...." She trailed off, her hooves tapping together. While I knew that many ponies these days were more open about their sexuality, and that it was more common for same sex couples to appear, this hadn't occurred to me. It should have after Luna, but it didn't.

I stared at her for a bit. I knew I could tell her that Luna had a spell for that, but I wasn't sure I wanted to go there again. Then again, she would be kinder than Luna with it, and it wasn't as bad then as the first time. Deciding that I liked her enough, I spoke up. "Well, as I'm sure you know, there are spells for that. And Luna does know one, and has been using it on me." I shivered. Never any warning. I would be called in, open the door, and blasted. "I'm sure she would be willing to teach you."

"Oh no, I couldn't impose such a request upon you. I'm sure I'll be fine." As much as I wouldn't mind not having that spell on me more, I couldn't let it end there. My pride as the royal consort was at stake.

"Twilight, please understand. I am here to serve you however I need to. If that means being a mare, I will gladly do that." She looked at me with a smile, seemingly willing to accept it. "Now, there are a few questions I have for you."

She looked at me, seemingly happy to answer questions. "Yes? I will answer what I can."

I sighed. I didn't think she understood what kind of questions I would be asking. "Well, I need to know your preferences. You've said you prefer mares, but how so?"

I was right. She jumped slightly at my question. "Oh, right. Well, to be honest, I've never been with anypony before. I just know that I'd rather be intimate with a mare than a stallion." I stared at her, amazed. The most eligible, beautiful mare in Equestria, a virgin?

"You must have received suitors before though, right? Ponies lining up the street to ask you out?"

She shook her head again. "No, not that I know of. I stayed in my room most of the time while here, and if any came, after the first one, I had Celestia send them away. And in Ponyville, everypony just saw me as the Element of Harmony."

I stared, my jaw dropping slightly. I had to teach a virgin about sex. This was going to be a long night. "Alright. Twilight, you do know what's involved in sex right? How it all works?"

She shook her head once more, shrugging. "I spent my time studying what Celestia sent me. I didn't get into clop. I mean, I have read a few Biology textbooks, so I know how it works, but I've never seen it, or done it."

Faust help me, I thought to myself, bringing a hoof to my face. "Alright, well that's a start. Tell me what you know." She sat up, looking like she was about to give me a report. "In under a hundred words please." She deflated slightly at that.

"Well, sex, or fornication, is the act of two ponies engaging in actions which is designed to bring pleasure, and through this pleasure, the propagation of the species. It comes from the biological need to further the species and is-"

"That's enough Twilight. Now, what goes where, under what state? What is the order that it happens?" I figured if I kept it enough like a class she would be more comfortable with this. Didn't mean I wanted to listen to her give a textbook definition on everything.

"Well, first, the male phallus must be stimulated. It must go from it's flaccid state to it's erect state, where it has gained length, and has stiffened greatly." Looks like my idea was working. I just hoped she didn't get more technical than I understood. "Then the female must produce adequate lubrication for the phallus. This is usually done by stimulating the clitoris and the labia minora. The inner part of the vagina is also sensitive and can be simulated. However, the psychological effect of a pony being with the right pony under the right circumstances can also produce these effects."

"Alright, what next? And so I know you know, what is what?" I was hesitant about the last part, but wanted to make sure.

She gave me a strange look before lifting me into the air with her magic and giving my length a squeeze. "That would be your phallus correct?" I nodded slowly, surprised at how that had felt. She then proceeded to spread her legs, pointing to various parts of her vagina with her hoof. "That's the clitoris, and down here," She spread her lips, giving me a full show of what she had. "Are the labia minora." I nodded as she correctly identified the parts of her vagina. She dropped me quickly, closing her legs again. "So, then comes the act of sex. This begins with the phallus penetrating the vagina, entering it. The male then begins to slide his phallus in and out of the female's vagina to produce stimulation on both parts."

I nodded, making a mental list of the areas I would need to instruct her on. Such as foreplay. "Alright. What is the stimulation for? On both sides?"

"The stimulation of the phallus is to perpetuate the erection, and lead to an eventual orgasm. During the orgasm, sperm and other fluids leave the head of the phallus and enter the vagina. From there, it's not sex. The stimulation of the female is to cause her to enjoy the act so that it will last long enough for the male orgasm to occur, and to cause the female to continue to want the sex, so that the species will propagate. The same effect occurs for the male." I nodded, glad to hear she at least knew how to have sex.

"Alright Twilight. You know the basics. I'm glad to hear that much. However, there is usually much more that occurs surrounding sex, with many types. Sadly, I cannot tell you what happens between mares, as that is something that I haven't experienced. Luna more just uses me as a toy, so I can't say I actually understand it." She looked at me for a second before levitating a quill and sheet to her. Figures she would take notes. "First, is foreplay." I could see her quill title her page, then return to hovering, waiting for more. "Foreplay is what happens before sex. It is an important part. To use your explanation, it is the stimulation of the phallus and the labia. Foreplay is used to get both partners ready for sex. It goes beyond that though. It also involves kissing, stroking, using the hoof to stroke the other's genitals, and cuddling. When a pegasus is involved, which I include due to your wings, preening and massaging right below the join can be used. For unicorns, strangely, the horn is very sensitive, to the right kind of stimulus, such as licking or the correct series of magical energy waves. Foreplay is the beginning of the physical intimacy, and is used greatly between partners who love each other."

"Well. So it involves a lot of just touching?" Twilight asked, her student instincts kicking in. I nodded happily, glad to relax and take a breath. "And it's more of a gradual build up, starting tame and progressing to more, well sexual?" Again I nodded, still trying to fully recover my breath. It had been awhile since I spoke for so long. "So the foreplay is the start of the sex, and involves the two involved ponies becoming physically close, and preforming acts upon the other in the hopes of easing the transition to the full sex." I nodded, confirming her summation. She had summed it up well. "Is there anything else that falls under Foreplay?"

I though for a moment before adding. "Yes. Words are a big part of it. The mere mention of sexual acts, their description, and various other things are sometimes enough to provide the needed erection and lubrication." She gave me a surprise glance before scribbling on her sheet. "That covers foreplay. Now onto what is known as oral sex."

She stared at me. "Deep, oral would refer to the mouth, and sex, well that's sex. How do those relate?" Despite her question she still titled her next sheet, waiting on more.

I rolled my eyes. "Correct Twilight. It's not exactly sex, though it involves either the vagina or penis, and the other's mouth." She continued to stare at me, confused. "Most ponies find that the wetness of the mouth and the form of the tongue to be very stimulating. It can be used as foreplay, though it is a separate act unto itself."

"Oh. So it's just the use of the mouth to stimulate the other?" I nodded. She added a few lines before asking, "How is it done?"

"Well, when the female does it to the male, she has multiple options. She can lick the penis, stroke it with her tongue, or take it into her mouth. All three can be used together to provide differing pleasures to the male. If done properly, it can cause the male to orgasm." Twilight continued taking notes, scurrying to write everything down.

"Wouldn't that be a waste of the sperm though? There is no chance of impregnation like that." She questioned after finishing her batch of notes.

"Well yes. That can be the point though. There are couples who do not wish to run the risk of pregnancy, but still wish to feel that pleasure." Twilight started nodding, understanding. "Now, as I implied, it can be done the other way. The male uses his mouth to stimulate the vagina, and bring pleasure to the female." I held up a hoof, stopping the question I knew was incoming from Twilight. "This is done through licking, kissing, occasionally very light bites, and the tongue entering the vagina." I could see Twilight gently shifting her legs, rubbing her thighs together. "Again, all of these can be used in varying combinations to bring pleasure to the female. Though not a part of oral, the hoof stimulating the phallus or vagina is common during these acts."

Again Twilight continued taking notes after I finished speaking, so I waited. She looked kinda cute sitting there, tongue between her lips as she scribbled away. "Alright Deep. That's, well interesting."

"Then you'll find this next part very interesting." I took a deep breath, preparing for the twitch my next comment would bring. "Anal."

I was right. I heard Twilight's quill break through her sheet as I mentioned it. I looked up to find her sitting there, staring at me, her parchment still floating with a pen in it. "ANAL?" She exclaimed. "There are ponies who would do that?"

I sighed. I knew it wasn't going to be easy. "Yes Twilight. To put it simply and quickly, anal is almost the same as normal, or vaginal, sex. The differences are that the anus is used instead of the vagina, and saliva or special gels are used as lube, as the anus obviously doesn't produce any."

"Well of course it doesn't! It's not meant to be used for sex!" I could tell she was disturbed. "Where did this even start?"

"I don't understand it either Twilight." I knew I had to calm her and move the topic on. " And I don't know where it started either, but it is a method of sex, so I'm including it. Shall we move on?"

"Yes, please." She whispered, tearing apart the apparently offensive sheet. "What else is there?"

"Well, there are forms of sex involving more than two ponies, though they are more done for pleasure than out of love." Twilight shrugged, waving a hoof, telling me to move on. "Well, after sex typically comes something known as pillow talk." Again Twilight titled her sheet, now interested. "It's actually very simple. The ponies who have just engaged in sex, usually physically drained, talk, while laying next to each other. The topics are usually something related to the relationship of the two, though it can cover anything."

Twilight finished her short notes on pillow talk, setting the sheet with the others. "Alright. Thank you very much Deep. Now," She blushed deeply as she continued. "I believe I have you for the night?"

I could see where this was going. And I didn't like it. But, if she wanted to, I had to comply. And better her than Luna. And better I teach her, with no commitment, and since I know exactly what I'm doing, than somepony else. Still, didn't want to do this. Her first time should be with somepony she loves. "I suppose you're expecting a practical test on the theory we just covered?"

"What? No, I wanted to cuddle. It sounds nice." I didn't expect that. I honestly thought she would be wanting to test what she had just learned. Well, another night away from Luna, and I wasn't doing anything with Twilight. It was a good night. "What is cuddling?"

I chuckled, standing and walking over to her, laying back down next to her. "Roll over Twilight, face me." I turned to my side, facing her as she faced me. "Cuddling is a step up from hugging you could say." I wrapped my forehooves around her, gently pulling her close. She let me pull her in, shifting to get comfortable. "We don't have to do any more than this." I whispered, gently stroking her mane. She rested her muzzle on my shoulder, and we slowly drifted to sleep, content.

Author's Note

Just want to say, both the title of this chapter and the last are comments on Deep's thoughts on the events, and mine on the fact that I actually wrote this.
And this is it. There will be no more of this. Not here. Alright, maybe. If I can think of somepony else to write it for.
I do have another story, in a similar vein, that I plan to write, though it won't be for a long time. I've got other stuff I'm working on first. If you want to watch for it, watch for a story from me, labeled Comedy, with Blue Blood as the main character. I hope that it satisfies your need for random, funny crap.