Chapters The wind in my mane is a painful reminder of reality, pushing the tears off my face. All I want is to get away. The hospital shrunk in the distance. I try to ignore the hurt. I try to forget the world. It makes no sense. She can’t die, it’s not supposed to happen like this. I just need to get away. Keep it together Dash; she wouldn’t want you to be like this.
The speed is all that keeps me sane. Ponyville was just a dot in the distance. My eyes sting from the wind and the crying. The air begins to fight me but I just force myself to go faster. I don’t even look back after I hear the thunderous noise. The rainbow meant nothing. The liquid in my eyes begins to blur my vision; I need to stop. I dive downwards and quickly reach the ground, setting down in a meadow. I curl up in the grass and just let go. Tears spill out and I don’t try to stop them. My body shakes with sobs as I gasp for air. My brain shuts down and my heart takes over. I lay there and cry until everything fades to black.
When I wake up I’m in a familiar place. It takes only a second to realize that it is Fluttershy’s cottage. “Oh Rainbow...” Fluttershy begins speaking but her voice cracks and she starts bawling.
“Rainbow, I’m sorry,” Applejack is speaking. I sit up and realize my friends are all here, except one. “I don’t know how to say this... she’s gone.” The news knocks the air out of me. I get up, not acknowledging any of my friends, and I head to the door. I don’t believe it. I run outside and take off to the sky.
Except I never leave the ground. My wings are still tucked at my sides, they refuse to move. I stumble and fall to the ground. I don’t pick myself up, I just lay there and start crying again.
“I’m sorry Twi, so so sorry.”
~~~
It’s been a month; I need to get up. My mind is ready, but my body is not. I’ve been in this same room for an entire damn month. I lay there, thinking about the pain, about my wings, about Twilight. I’ve laid here just thinking for an entire month. I’m past denial, past anger, past bargaining. I’m stuck here in depression, both mentally and physically.
Fluttershy opens the door, places down a small tray, and leaves. We don’t even glance at each other. My friends have been taking care of me for the past month, making sure I’m fed, making sure I’m alright. Making sure I don’t kill myself.
The thought had crossed my mind more than once, but Twilight would never forgive me. I can just imagine her disapproval, and that is all that keeps me alive. I do it for her. I look at the tray of food, a daisy sandwich and a glass of water. I only eat because that’s what Twi would want. I reluctantly bite into the meal. It tastes like dirt, everything tasted like dirt. I wash it down with the water and return to my bed. As I lay alone in bed the tears return, I’m still not used to not having Twilight with me. I slowly cry myself to sleep. I wake up and another day has passed.
It’s been a month, an entire damn month.
~~~
Fluttershy enters the room, “Do you need anything Rainbow?”
“No”
She puts down the tray and exits. At least they had me talking again, even if it was just one word answers. I bite into the food, it is beginning to have flavor again. I walk around the room and stretch. I am mobile again, but I am not ready to leave this room, not ready to face reality. This room is the only place I exist anymore. I am dead to the outside world, and the outside world is dead to me.
I return to the bed once again. I don’t cry and I don’t sleep. I just lay there alone, thinking. The door opens and Applejack walks in, “You done with your food?”
“Yes”
“Do ya need anything?”
“No”
“If you ever need anything, just holler, alright?”
“Okay”
Applejack picks up the tray and quietly walks out as I just lie in the bed.
“Oh Twi, I miss you,” That is the most I have said since I’ve been up here, and it is purely the truth. I need her right now, she always knew how to make anything better, she always found a way to make my day. I cry again.
~~~
It’s been two months, and I’ve made it out of the room. I’m tired of the same surroundings so I just get up and walk out the door. I look around at the inside of Fluttershy’s cabin, it always was a bit cheery for my taste. My head droops and I look at the floor.
I hear voices coming from downstairs, my friends are talking. I walk quietly down each step until I reach the first floor. I’m still looking at the ground when the conversation tapers off to silence. I sit there for a while not really comprehending the situation, unsure what to expect.
“Hey there, Sugarcube,” Applejack broke the silence. I finally look up to see all of them. No, I finally look up to see most of them. Four of my friends were there, the fifth was... I stop myself there, no need to cry in front of them.
“Hi,” is all I can possibly manage to say without my voice cracking. And there we stand, silent, unsure of what to say to one another. I glance at each of them, they all look taken aback that I’m down here. When I meet eyes with Pinkie she quickly puts on a fake smile. In the silence I begin to look around the room. Fluttershy usually has assorted pictures of us hung on the walls, but now they’re all blank.
But there was one picture left, it lies facedown on the mantle of the fireplace. I slowly move over to it and pick it up. I see Applejack wince out of the corner of my eye. When I turn the picture over I see us. All six of us were there together, happy as could be, the widest of grins on all of our faces.
I can’t breathe.
My lungs refuse to take in air. Tears are already streaming from my eyes. I quickly turn and chuck the picture at the wall with all of my might. I’m back upstairs before any of my friends can even speak. I return to my dark quarters and shut the door.
This is when I’d probably break down. The only thing that stops me was the fact that I was already broken.
~~~
Another month passed and I have begun walking around the house regularly. I was able to go downstairs and get food for myself. My friends have more or less returned to their old lives. They often came to check on me, they made sure I was never alone, still worried I was suicidal. I don’t blame them. I catch a glimpse of myself in a mirror. I look awful. My usually spunky mane is flat with frayed hairs poking out. My eyes are bloodshot from crying. It didn’t matter though, I have nowhere important to go, I’m not trying to impress anypony. I’m not going out for a special night with Twi. And like that, tears are flowing again.
I still haven’t left the house, and I have no plans to. I can’t stand to face the reality that is out there, especially since I can no longer fly. That makes no sense, the first pegasus to perform a sonic rainboom could no longer leave the ground. Whenever I tried to unfold my wings they were unresponsive. I have no control over them anymore. I have no control over anything anymore.
And yet this was trivial next to Twilight’s... no, it still hurt too much to think about. But flight no longer held meaning without her. I remember taking her flying. I’d swoop her up and we’d take off to the sky. Those were the best days. But now I can’t even move my wings.
Rainbow Dash, Equestria’s greatest flier, was grounded.
~~~
Today is the day, I need to finally face the world. After three months of being in this same house, I need some outside air. It was time to begin the rest of my life.
However, I still look like a mess, I need to clean myself up. I walk into the bathroom and turn towards the mirror.
The pegasus that stood before me was a stranger. Her usually vibrant and beautiful mane was flat and dull. Her eyes that usually held a competitive glint were glazed over and bloodshot from three months worth of tears. Her peppy cyan coat was faded and unkempt.
I don’t know this pony in the mirror, and she certainly wasn't me. Yet again, I haven't been myself for a while now, I guess it makes sense that I look the part.
I can just imagine what Twi would say. She would tell me I need to take care of myself. She’d tease me about my mane. She’d be worried about my eyes. She’d lightheartedly chastise me for not cleaning my coat. She’d hold me and speak softly, telling me not to cry, telling me everything would be fine.
This was the first time I actually let myself remember. It felt good, but it hurt so much. I began crying again, but I let go. I let myself cry. And I let myself remember her. My body crumples to the cold tile floor, shaking with sobs. Oh Twilight, I miss you so much. I don't know why you left me, but I know it must have been important, you wouldn't have given up if you didn't have to. Not a day goes by where I don't miss you. I love you Twi.
I loved you Twilight.
I’m not ready to face the world. Not today.
Not without her.
~~~
I sit there, staring at the door, a foreign land lay beyond its threshold. I’m still not sure if I am ready for this. My head is pounding and my vision is a bit blurry. I wobble a bit as I stand there, thinking about the outside world. I steel myself and push the door open.
The sun isn’t just bright, it hurts. I clamp my eyes shut and turn towards the ground. The glow is hot on my coat. All sensations of this bright world collide with me at once. The smells overwhelm me and the sounds surround me. Birds chirp, I hear water rushing, Fluttershy’s different animals chattered about.
But to top it all off, I could smell the field of lavender where Twilight and I occasionally would spend a blissful day together. We’d take a picnic basket and spend the day discussing what was going on in our lives and simply being together. How I wish I could have one more day like that, just so I could tell her what she meant to me. And so I could say goodbye.
I’m weak, I’ll never be back to normal. It sounds cliche, but everything reminds me of Twi. I return to my dark room, to the pseudo-comfort of my bed. It helps none, I just keep crying. Even after four months nothing could console me. Maybe some other day I’ll be able to make it outside. But not today.
Today, I was a failure.
After a few attempts, I manage to go outside without breaking down. I stand out there, taking in all of nature’s embraces. The sun still hurts my eyes, but I adjust after a short while. I wait for some little thing to set me off, but nothing happens. I take in my surroundings. Everything is exactly how I remember it. Nothing has changed. I don’t know what I expected. Maybe I thought the world would fall apart once she was gone, but everything is exactly the same.
The smell of lavender washes over me; the scent is relaxing. I close my eyes and inhale. It was amazing. I open my eyes once more and glance to the field. Without conscious thought, my legs begin to carry me towards the place of my sweetest memories. I look out on the landscape of purple flowers. Tears flow down my cheeks; I remember the days I spent here with Twi. We always met at her library, she would always make us a couple sandwiches and we’d head off to this place.
I’m only half aware that I am walking through the field, the soft flowers brushing against my legs. I have no idea where I’m going, I just wander as I remember Twilight. The days we spent here are far in the past, yet I remember each conversation vividly. I will never forget the time we were together.
I look up from my thoughts to see a large willow tree. It was our tree. Here we spent countless days idly chatting, enjoying our time together.
If only I knew that this time was limited, I would have savored every second. The tears don’t stop as I walk up to the base of the tree to lie down. But the tears aren’t sad, they’re more bittersweet than anything else. I begin to nod off.
For the first time in five months, I smile.
~~~
“Rainbow, wake up sleepyhead.” The voice is the most beautiful sound ever. I open my eyes to see the most perfect mare in the world, Twilight stood there in front of me, a basket at her side.
“Oh, sorry. I guess I got a little too relaxed,” I say as I stand up to stretch.
“Do you remember what we were talking about?” she speaks with mock impatience,
“Oh yeah, of course I do,” I have no idea.
“Our wedding?” Oh crap, how could I forget that. My face is already burning up as I give her a sheepish smile.
Now that I think about it, the last thing I remember was lying there with Twilight under the shade of the willow. And before that... oh shit, how did I forget that. I had proposed to Twilight. And she had accepted.
While my brain processed all of this Twilight sat in front of me, giggling at my deep concentration. “That must’ve been one serious nap, then again we’ve both been out for a couple hours.” A glance at the horizon confirms that it’s getting late, the sun is sinking behind the mountains.
“Twilight, you know how you’re amazing with magic.”
“Well my magic is okay,” she blushes.
“Do you know any spells that could make this moment last forever?”
“Of course not silly, you of all people should know that good things don’t last,” she speaks with an air of sadness.
“What do you mean?” Her statement confuses me.
She looks deep into my eyes, “Rainbow, wake up sleepyhead.” I feel reality slipping from underneath me.
~~~
A nearby clap of thunder shakes the earth around me. The memory of the dream is already fading. I jump up from where I was sleeping to see that the bright world I remember had been replaced by a dark and stormy one and I don’t like it. I’ll just fly up there and clear out the clouds, no problem. I coil up and leap to the sky.
My wings don’t move. I guess I forgot that. Gravity pulls me into the mud. I look down at myself. I’d normally start to cry, but something about the dream left me callous. I don’t even remember anything about it. All I know is that, as I look down at my muddy self and back at my stiff wings, I feel nothing, I don’t care. It was insignificant. There was something much more important, I just can’t remember...
Oh crap, the wedding’s next month, I need to get ready, I need to talk to Rarity about the dresses, Pinkie about the cake, I need to...
Then the tears came. It was all just a dream, Twilight is still gone. I finally pick myself up out of the mud, I am a mess. I wipe off all the mud that I can, but my coat is still stained with the dark hues of the earth. I slowly begin to trek back to the cabin through the rain and the fragrant flowers, my head hung and spirit broken.
I wish we were still getting married. What I wouldn’t give for my biggest problem to be deciding which flavor of cake to have at our wedding. I’d want chocolate but Twi would beg for vanilla. She always loved vanilla.
A small smile appears on the corner of my mouth as I trudged through the storm.
~~~
I open the door and enter the warm room; I hadn’t realized how cold I was. I hear Fluttershy humming a tune. When I look into the kitchen I see that she is preparing some dinner for a few of her animal friends. She had a small smile on her face as she continued humming her melody.
I didn’t understand how she could be so happy, after what had happened. I stood there and watched as she joyfully moved about. She eventually turned to see me and she instantly quieted down. “Oh, I’m sorry Rainbow, was I being too loud.”
The entire idea stunned me, “How do you do it, Fluttershy?” I say, my voice sounding dumbfounded.
“Do what?” she speaks very softly.
“How can you be back to normal after Twilight... after what happened.”
Fluttershy began to frown as she thought, “Twilight wouldn’t want me to be sad, I guess. Twilight wanted all of her friends to be happy, kinda like Pinkie does. Twilight loved all of us, especially you Rainbow”
Twilight did love each of us, and she hated when we cried. She never wanted anypony to feel sad. What Fluttershy said makes sense. Twilight would not like that I’ve been sobbing on a regular basis.
“And also, I remember all of the happy times.” her voice is even quieter now. “You should try and remember all of times Twilight made you smile.
“Thank you Fluttershy.” I turn and walk up the stairs. She was right, I should remember all of the times Twi made me smile.
There was a lot to remember.
~~~
I’m a bit unsure about this. Applejack, Fluttershy and I are going into town today, I just hope I can handle it. I don’t want to break down where everypony can see me. It’ll be hard enough going through the streets for the first time in six months. I have no idea how they will all react, seeing Rainbow Dash, Equestria’s most magnificent flier, for the first time since what happened to Twilight. I’m sure a couple ponies started a few rumors, some of which are probably true.
We approach the edge of the main street; Ponyville’s bright pastel-colored buildings look foreign to me after all this time. As we enter town I am already turning heads. Ponies look at me and begin to murmur and whisper to those around them. I try to block them out, but the whispers pierce through.
“Is that Rainbow Dash?”
“I thought she was dead.”
“Didn’t she move away from Ponyville?”
“I heard she can’t fly anymore.”
The last one makes me wince; how could they know? It’s not important, I just need to buckle down and ignore everything around me. My destination, Sugar Cube Corner, is just down the street. I pick up the pace a bit, the less time I spend out here the better. A few ponies call my name, trying to get my attention, but I just act like I don’t hear them. I’m still not in the mood for general conversation.
When I burst through the door I come literally face to face with Pinkie, she is standing inches in front of me.
“Hey Dashie.” I cringe, I never really liked it when Pinkie called me that. Although it was fine whenever Twi did.
“Oh,” she shrunk back a bit, losing her smile for a short moment, but it quickly returned. “We made you a cake, I couldn’t remember if you liked chocolate or vanilla, so it’s both.” she giggled at her genius idea. Both chocolate and vanilla.
I chuckle quietly to myself, Twi would’ve loved this cake.
~~~
Eventually the party died down, although I don’t think party is the correct word. It was just the five of us, being together, relaxed and happy for the first time in forever. After a while, the sun begins to droop in the sky, informing all of us that night was approaching. Fluttershy and Rarity go home, but I can’t help but linger; the bakery made for a nice change of scenery.
“How ya holdin’ up, Sugarcube?” Applejack’s kind voice broke my silent reflection.
“I’m...” I struggle to find a word to fit the situation. “Fine,” is all I can come up with, but it was the truth. As I sit there my mind is devoid of any real emotions, just shallow observations of the world around me. I guess it’s a good way to prevent crying.
“RD, look at me,” Applejack speaks more intensely and grabs my shoulders. “You need to know that we are here for you, we all are.”
My brain realizes that it is okay to cry here and now, I’m safe, my friends nearby. The tears start silently at first, but they quickly turn to sobbing. Applejack holds on to me and lets me express my sadness.
I need to be more grateful to my friends, without them I have no idea where I’d be. It would’ve been impossible to go through this alone.
When I’m through crying AJ speaks again, “There’s somewhere we need to go, you may not like it, it may make you sad, but I think it will help.”
I already know where we are going.
The moon casts an ominous glow over the green fields on the outskirts of Ponyville. Ornate stones jut out of the ground at various intervals. I’ve been here once before, a little under six months ago. I’ve tried so hard to wipe that day from my memory, but to no avail. The funeral has been etched into my mind.
I walked into the building wearing a deep black dress. A few ponies stood silently next to the casket that laid peacefully on the other side of the room. I was still in denial, but that didn’t mean I wasn’t crying. After what felt like forever, I steadied myself and slowly began to walk to the coffin. It was beautifully made by the most talented carpenter in all of Equestria, as per Princess Celestia’s request. I had began to wonder where the princess was when I finally reached the end of the room.
The sight was surreal.
She was just as beautiful as ever, lying peacefully asleep in the linen container. Her only flaw was that she wasn’t smiling up at me, as if she had just woken from a long nap. Twi just lay there, silently sleeping, and I stood there, silently sobbing. I wished that I’d wake up from the crippling nightmare of reality to a most magnificent bliss, one where I still had her.
I tried my hardest to stop the tears, but all attempts I made were futile. “It’s alright, Rainbow Dash, sometimes it’s best to cry.” An unmistakable, regal voice spoke softly from behind me. Normally I’d compose myself more respectfully in front of the princess, but I was unable to do anything apart from sob.
With Princess Celestia’s arrival, the ceremony started. She gave what was most likely a beautiful eulogy, but I heard none of it through my bawling.
Then, it was my turn to speak. I wasn’t a fantastic speaker in the first place and the setting didn’t help. I had a speech written out, but I crumpled it up and tossed it aside. I slowly stepped to the microphone.
“Twilight Sparkle was the most amazing mare in all of Equestria.” my voice cracks and I run back to my seat, my body was already shaking from the tears.
The rest of the funeral blurs together, and the next thing I knew, I was standing next to a willow tree just like ours. The casket is slowly lowered into the ground, and I say my final goodbye.
And here I find myself once again, in this field, under the willow tree, six months later. It hurts, and I cry. I lay on the soft grass in front of the tombstone, remembering.
I look up at the inscription, “Here lies Twilight Sparkle, faithful student of the Princess, keeper of harmony, amazing friend, beautiful partner.”
I stand, suppressing tears, looking to see that all of my friends have joined me. Surprisingly, Fluttershy is the first to speak, “Do you want to go back to the cottage?”
“No, I want to go home.”
~~~
The door opens with a familiar creak that instantly brings with it a flood of memories. This door used to be a nemesis of mine. How many times had that tell-tale squeak ruined the secret when I had tried to surprise Twilight by coming home from work early or with a super awesome gift of some sort. Twi would hear the creak and instantly know I had something planned. She’d even act surprised to spare my feelings.
I am already filled with memories, and I haven’t even passed the threshold. This will be hard. As I look into the dark room I feel conflicted. I’m glad they listened to my request to leave this place just as it was. But a twang of guilt flows through me as I look at the mess that I caused in my rage. Books lay sprawled across floor. Twi would have a panic attack if she saw the mistreated tomes of knowledge. Spike had returned to Canterlot, so he wasn't here to clean up.
I quickly busy myself with tidying up the room, returning the books to their rightful place. Most of them were textbooks or classics, the kind of stuff Twilight would read. But then I stumble upon a familiar story, "Daring Do and the Quest for the Sapphire Stone" It's hard to believe I used to be so adamant against the idea of reading; yet another thing that I owe so much to Twi for. I set the book to the side as I finish picking up the area. After some time and effort, the library is looking like its old self. All that was missing was a certain librarian.
If I hadn’t used up all my tears at the cemetery, I’d be crying right now. This place feels so empty. I walk back over to the couch where I put my favorite book down. Maybe an adventure tale would cheer me up. As I open up the book, a slip of paper fell out and onto the ground.
After a brief investigation of the note, I discovered two things. One, it had Twilight’s writing on it. Two, it was addressed to me.
My Dearest Rainbow Dash.
~~~
My Dearest Rainbow Dash,
It’s pretty safe to assume that you’ll want to read this book sometime again in the future, so I decided to leave this note here to surprise you. There are a couple of things I’d like to say to you.
First and foremost, I love you Rainbow Dash. You are the most amazing mare in all of Equestria, and I hope you never forget that. I will always love you, and nothing can ever change that.
I write this the evening after you proposed to me, and I must truly say that this has been the greatest day of my entire life. I know I’ve already said yes once, but I feel the need to repeat myself: yes, yes, yes, yes, and yes, I would love nothing more than to forever be with the most exquisite and fantastic pony I know. Even if things get a bit hectic as we plan the wedding, know that I simply want it to be perfect. For you and for me.
I still am dumbfounded that somepony as perfect as you could love a nerd like me. I always thought I’d be the mare who would be alone forever, with my only books as company. You have changed my life, and the prospect of having you permanently be a part of it still makes me grin. I read somewhere once that true happiness is when you never want to sleep, as the joy of your dreams could never hope to match the joy of your life. This echoes true; when I wake up from whatever fantasy was being played in my sleep and I see you, my bliss is immeasurable.
If you are ever having a bad day, my hope is that you pull out this note, as its sole directive is to make you smile. I love that smile of yours, Dash. That cocky, joyful, caring smile is the most magnificent sight in the world. That smile that still fills my stomach with butterflies and makes my heart skip a beat.
Remember, nothing can ever separate us. If we are apart for whatever reason, remember that I will always be in your heart, no matter how cliche it may sound. Although it may sometimes feel like we will be apart for an eternity, when we do reunite I will love you even more than before, if that is at all possible. I love you, no matter what, don’t ever forget that.
Years will pass; we will grow old. Our time is limited and I wish only that I can spend the remainder of my life with you.
Yours, forever and always,
Twilight Sparkle, soon to be Twilight Dash
Her letter fulfills its purpose, as I sit there rereading the same words over and over again I feel the corners of my mouth pull back. A teary smile sits on my face.
I’m glad I was able to make good on her last request.
~~~
I should probably get some sleep. I’ve been sitting here for hours, just reading the letter over and over again. She wrote this for me before any of this happened, before she got sick. I had a piece of her to hold onto.
I pick myself up off the couch, only to realize how tired I feel. I should probably get to sleep. It’ll be... interesting, to sleep in our bed without her. I sigh as I begin to slowly make my way up the stairs. I round the corner to see the door is slightly ajar. I push it open to see the all too familiar room. Twilight’s telescope still sits at the window. Her posters from her school days are still hanging from the walls. The pile of books that she meant to read are still in a pile next to her nightstand.
Then there are a few of my things strewn about. My saddlebag was laying on the floor next to my side of the bed. A couple pieces of paperwork from my weather patrol are scattered around the desk. On the wall I had hung a single poster: an advertisement for a Wonderbolts airshow, signed by the Wonderbolts themselves. Something about the picture infuriates me. Then it hits me: I can’t be a Wonderbolt if I can’t fly. I tear the paper from my wall, tears of anger already spilling out.
I should just go to sleep. I lay in the bed, but it’s too big to get comfortable. There’s just too much space without the body my special somepony taking up her side. I toss and turn, trying to settle in, but it’s impossible. I end up laying there, my forelegs stretched out, as if reaching out for somepony. I bite down on my lip, trying hard to suppress tears.
So begins another lonely night.
~~~
I open my eyes and find myself in the shade of the familiar tree. Somehow, I’m entirely aware this is a dream. The wind blows softly over the purple flowers, filling the air with the calming aroma of lavender. Only one thing is missing.
“Oh hey, you’re awake.” There she is. I turn around to see her softly smiling at me.
“Twi, I know this isn’t real, but I love you, and I miss you every day. I found your letter, and it did make me smile. Thanks for being amazing.”
Her smile turns into a thoughtful frown, that adorable frown that would often cross her face when she didn’t understand something. “What do you mean?”
“This is just a dream, this is all going on inside my head. Right now I’m asleep in my bed, our bed. You’re not with me, you’re gone, and you’ve been gone for a long time. But that doesn’t change the fact that I love you. And it doesn’t mean I can’t enjoy this time with you.”
“You okay Dash?”
“I’m fine. Actually, I’m better than I’ve been in a while.” I pat the ground next to me, “How ‘bout you take a load off. The sun’s about to set, and it would be nice if we could watch it together.” She shrugs and lies down next to me. I lean my head on her as she nuzzles my neck.
“I wish this moment could last forever.” She breaks the silence. I would’ve loved nothing more than for that to happen, but I know that it can’t be.
I feel the edges of the dream begin to fold in, and I turn to Twilight. “See ya later,” and we part with a farewell kiss.
I open my eyes to find myself lying in our bed, and I realize that I am something that I never thought I would ever be again.
Happy.
~~~
I get up, yawn, stretch, look around, just like any normal day. Well in all honesty, I hardly remember what normal is. The light of the morning sun shines through the sliver of space between the curtain and the window. It’s a new day.
I’d be lying if I said I didn’t feel some sadness somewhere in all of my current emotions. Sadness that a perfect dream had to end, sadness that I didn’t miraculously wake up with Twilight lying next to me. But, for some reason I was happy. I guess I’ve finally caught up to reality, or it has caught up to me.
She’s gone, no amount of moping or whining would change anything. Tears won’t bring her back. I can just move forward, holding onto memories, letting go of regrets. I can be the old me again, just without her.
I pull back the drapes to let the full glory of the sun shine in on the gloomy room. I’m past the depression now; it’s behind me. I’ve accepted the truth and now it’s time to move on.
It’s what she’d want.
I put on the saddlebag that I had received for my last birthday; it was a gift from her. The small article made me feel just a little bit less separated from the love of my life. Inside the bag I place two books, both of which she had left to me; one was her journal, the other was wrapped and I was unsure of what it was. Kinda funny, most mares Twilight’s age never even think about writing a will, she always made sure that she was prepared... for anything. I feel like I should be crying, but I work past it.
I head into the kitchen and prepare a couple sandwiches. I wince once I realize that I only need lunch for one and I toss one of the sandwiches in the trash. I wrap the other up and place it in the bag. Once I’m ready I head for the front door. I open it up about halfway, but something stops me from walking out. I turn back and look over the library, the early morning light seeps in through various windows. I feel obligated to not leave, to stay here forever, something at the back of my mind tried to pull me back into the cold shadows of the solitary library. I almost heed the call.
I turn back to the door with vigor; I will not go back to the darkness. It’s already taken up too much of my existence. I can’t waste away my life as a shell of myself. I need to get back out there. I step outside and close the door behind me. The sun is pleasantly warm as I head off towards the outskirts of Ponyville to certain lavender meadow.
~~~
The shade of the tree is comfortably cool. I ignore the contents of the bag and just enjoy lying in the shadows; I don’t want to burden my mind with any reading. The day is beautiful, the kind of day I’d normally spend flying. I cringe as the thought crosses my mind, how long has it been since I’ve actually experienced flight. Far too long is the only answer I can think of. My eyes begin to water, but I’m too tense to actually cry. I stand up, unsure of what I plan to do. I coil up and try to outstretch my wings. No response. My wings remain frozen to my side. I slouch from a coiled position down to the ground; my resolve has crumbled. Tears flow more fiercely than before. I’m a let-down, a disappointment, a failure. I’m weak and sad.
I am broken.
Now I’m sobbing, my body shakes violently as I curl up, pitying myself and my life, all the bad things that have ever happened to me. I cry myself to sleep; why is it that I always end up sleeping underneath this tree?
~~~
This dream is different, I open my eyes to see a pure blackness that went on forever. From the darkness came the voice of Twilight, “Don’t speak, just listen,” I close my mouth and remain silent. She begins to speak once more.
“We all must experience sadness in our lives. We all fall in love. We all lose the ones close to us. It is not our hardships that make us who we are, that make us unique, it is how we respond to life’s tribulations. We can ignore them and try to forget them or we can remember them and learn from our mistakes. You need to open up; don’t just lock out the world around you. If I can say one thing then it is this:
“Do not waste your trials. I love you Dash, and I’ll talk to you later.”
Before I can utter a word of response, my eyes open and are instantly assaulted by sunshine. Twi always had the best advice so I’ll try to take this one to heart.
Don’t waste my trials.
~~~
I stand up and try to shake the grogginess out of my body, I feel stiff and exhausted. My mind buzzes about, contemplating the dream. I’m certain it was Twilight, but was it just a dream or was she really talking to me from... well, wherever she is? It hurts my head to think about it. I start to feel a sting starting from behind my eyes and my heart starts pounding. I collapse once more, but this time due to pain.
Then I remember something. It was something Twi would tell me if I ever got discouraged: Nothing can last forever, both good and bad, so don’t waste your time moping around. Like I said, she always had the best advice.
I can’t believe I hadn’t remembered that earlier, it would have helped so much. I guess my mind was trying to block out some memories of her. As soon as I met with this realization I felt an extreme calm. The pain in my head settled down and my heart rate slows to a regular pace. I need to take control again, both now and forever.
I slowly stand and retrieve the saddlebag. I take both books out and place them on the ground. I lie down once more and pick up the journal, opening it to it’s most recent entry.
August 7th
I have a massive headache and I’ve decided to remain in bed until it subsides. Despite my physical pain I am as happy as can be, the wedding is one week from today and I just cannot wait. I’ve never felt such joy and such love. Next week will be the greatest week of my life.
I cringe and slam the book shut. I crumple in on myself, trying hard to not cry. Fate is cruel; what was meant to be her greatest week ever turned out to be her last.
Twilight died on the fourteenth of August.
~~~
I put the journal away. If I kept reading then I’d be unable to keep my resolve. I grab the mysterious book wrapped in a simple cloth. I remove the cover and read the title: The Basics of Aerodynamics and Flight. My entire body shudders from the pure nostalgia. To think how much this book started, the memories come flooding back.
It was nearly two years ago, at a point I hadn’t realized my feelings for Twilight. The Best Young Flyers competition was just around the corner and I knew my only hope of winning was if I could pull off a sonic rainboom. I was practicing for hours on end, but I was not getting any closer to pulling it off. At one point I remembered Twilight telling me about a book that could help me get even faster, so I went off to the library.
When I walked in Twilight was arranging the bookshelves, again. She always seemed to be doing that. When I cleared my throat, she jumped and lost balance. She fell backwards off of the ladder, but I zoomed and caught her just in the nick of time. Then she looked up at me and our eyes met. There it was, the single spark that started it all.
I put her down gently on the floor, turning away before she could see that I was blushing. I asked her about the book and she retrieved it for me. I left the library without saying another word. The entire way home I was beating myself up about not saying anything else. I laid down and opened the book. The terminology was difficult and the concepts were deep. Frustrated, I plopped it down on my nightstand. Then an idea hit me; I could ask Twilight to help me with understanding it.
The next day I showed up to the library with the book. When I walked in she was still arranging books. However, this time she hears me walk in and greets me. She asked if there was anything I needed and I requested her help with the book. She took me back to a little study nook where she put the book down and told me to sit. Once I was settled she sat down close to me, very close. We sat like this and we pored over the books. It was wonderful.
Weeks passed and the competition was the next day. I was stressed the entire way to Cloudsdale. Although everything that Twilight had helped teach me helped a lot, I had still been unable to pull off the sonic rainboom. We reached the city of pegasi and rested for the night. The next morning I was greeted by a surprise; Twilight showed up with the rest of my friends. Fluttershy and I took them on a tour, but I was a bit preoccupied; my eyes kept making their way back to Twilight. She had gone through all the work just to make sure that she was here for me. It was almost too much to comprehend.
Before I knew it, the competition was about to begin. Nerves got the best of me, but it wasn’t because the Wonderbolts, it was because of her. Twilight worked hard to get here and I could not disappoint her. Once I head out I completely botch the first two obstacles; my only chance of redemption was the sonic rainboom. Before I could finish the set-up I heard a scream. Rarity was falling from the sky. Instinctively, I dove after her. I was picking up speed but I could tell it wasn’t enough. Then something gave me a boost and I faintly heard Twilight cheering me on.
With those little words of encouragement I doubled my speed. Suddenly a crack roared through the air, a beautiful rainbow trailed behind me. I caught Rarity and the Wonderbolts just in time. I returned to the stadium, after which the day blurred together. Finally, I returned to Ponyville about an hour after dusk. I headed back to the library to return the book. I approach Twilight, and then begins one moment I cherish more than any other.
“Thanks for letting me borrow the book.”
She smiled her amazing smile, “Well that’s kinda what libraries are for.”
“And thanks for being there; you have no idea what it meant to me.”
“Oh?” she turned to look at me and I took the opportunity. I kissed her.
When we broke off, I was gone before she could react. Yet somehow, it all worked out to the point of us being engaged.
I’m one lucky pegasus.
~~~
I close the book and put it back in the bag. It’s approaching dusk so I begin to head home. On my way I hear an all too familiar squeal. “Oh my gosh! Rainbow Dash! I haven’t seen you in forever!”
The little pegasus filly flies into view. That caught me off guard; Scootaloo flying. Then again, it’s been nearly seven months since I last saw her, so the idea of her flying wasn’t all that crazy. “Hey squirt, how’ve you been?”
The little filly is shaking with excitement. “I’m great; I learned to fly. How have you been? Where have you been? What have you been up to? Probably something really cool I bet. Oh, did I mention I can fly.”
“Whoa, calm down kid. When’d you learn to fly?”
“Last month. Miss Cheerilee invited some flight trainers to help out the pegasi in my class. I used some of the tips that one of them told me and now,” she takes off into the air to display her new skill. She flies in a couple circles and landed in front of me. “So where have you been?”
I freeze up a bit at the question. What can I possibly tell her, that her idol has been in a spiral of depression and became a recluse from society? That I can’t even fly anymore? I couldn’t say that, it would just crush her. “Oh, I’ve been working with the Wonderbolts on a new show for the past few months.” I say, trying to pull off a cocky smile.
“Oh, wow, you’re in the Wonderbolts? I guess you got over Twilight pretty fas-.” She falls silent as she realizes what she’s saying, but it’s too late. The words hit me like knives and I cringe. “Oh, I’m so sorry, I’ll just go.” She turns to fly off but I stop her.
“It’s okay squirt, it’s not your fault. You just forgot.” My eyes are beginning to overfill, but I just put on smile. “I guess I should probably tell you the truth. I’ve been stuck inside ever since Twilight died; I’ve been too sad to do anything, even fly.” I turned away so I didn’t have to see the look on her face, whether it be of shock or disgust or sadness. But then she did something I didn’t expect, she walked up to me and nuzzled my legs.
“I know what it’s like to not be able to fly. It’s okay, bad things happen to us all, even the great Rainbow Dash and it'll probably be hard to get over them, but we need to work through them.” I never would’ve expected such wise words from a filly this young, let alone Scootaloo.
"Where'd you hear something like that?"
She laughs a little bit, "From you, of course." She smiles up at me then turns around and flies off. “See ya later Rainbow Dash.”
Tears are flowing from my eyes, but not really of sadness. I guess I’m crying for the sake of crying. I just need to let it out. I‘ll be fine, I’ll be alright.
I’ve just clipped my wings is all, they’ll heal.
I close the door behind me as I walk into the dark library. There's no need to turn on the lights; I know this place like the back of my hoof. I walk up the stairs to my room and flick on a little lamp in one of the corners. A small area with a chair and a nightstand is illuminated and I set down my saddlebag. I’m not at all tired so I decide to take a seat.
On the little table sat Twilight’s note. I pick it up and read it over a few times to calm my nerves. I feel a little on edge, as if I might break down again at any moment. It was silly of me to think that a little resolution could actually make everything better. It’s almost funny how much of the day I spent crying after telling myself I was done spilling tears.
Even as these thoughts went through my head my eyes were watering. I guess tonight will just be a night where I do nothing but cry. I stand up and head to the other side of the room. In the corner opposite the chair sat an old phonograph. I pick up an old piano music record, Twilight used to always put this on whenever I came home after a particularly rough day. The music would fill the air and she’d just snuggle up to me, waiting for me to say something.
That’s one thing I miss about her, she understood that not everything could be talked out. She knew that the solace of just being with another is all that is needed. I brush the dust off the vinyl and place it in the record player. In moments the air is filled with a beautiful sonata. I go back to the chair and pick up the note. As the music lowers into a quiet lullaby, I lie down in the bed, reading the note over and over. Tears were flooding out now, to the point of my vision blurring. I read until I no longer can, and then I clutch the note close to my chest.
It wasn’t much, but it’s all I have of her.
~~~
The bright morning sun wakes me; I don’t even remember falling asleep last night. I get up out of bed and stretch. I’ll not be making any stupid and unrealistic resolutions today, I’m just going to deal with life as it comes along. A sound comes from downstairs as somepony knocks on the door. I head down and open the door to reveal Rarity.
“Good morning, Rainbow,” she pauses a second. “Oh dear, you look dreadful, are you ill?”
I blink a couple times to clear the groggy blur from my eyes. “No, I just spent last night thinking about Twi.”
“Oh.” She steps back, probably worried that she offended me.
“It’s alright, you couldn’t have possibly known.” I put a hoof on her shoulder. “I mean it’s been six months, almost seven, I really should be over her by now. Most normal ponies would be.” I shrug and return my hoof to the ground.
“I’d be worried if you were over it; you and Twilight were closer than any two ponies I’ve ever seen. These are the kinds of things we get through, not over. You said that yourself.” It was interesting, hearing that again after just being told that last night.
“Thanks, I’ll keep that in mind. Now, is there something you came here to tell me?”
She facial expression shifted rapidly. “Oh, yes, Princess Celestia shall be here later today to discuss the Elements of Harmony.” I could feel my stomach drop. “Be at Sugarcube Corner at seven o’clock. Now I have other things I must attend to, so I’ll see you tonight.” She trots off to continue her errands.
I never really thought about the Elements; how Twilight being gone would affect them. I close the door and return upstairs. What I wouldn’t give for her to be here right now.
~~~
I begin to head towards the bakery about five minutes before seven, my head slumped and my eyes downcast. I know it’s important that we deal with this, but for some reason I hate the idea. I mean, look at everything we’ve done together with the elements. We’ve saved Equestria on countless occasions. Each time, the six of us would muster up all we had, and we could not be defeated.
And yet, that’s exactly what this feels like: defeat. Tears flow again as I continue to walk; they slide down my nose and fall to the hard-packed dirt. Then I realized why I was so reluctant to do all of this. Twilight’s Element was really all that connects her to this world. Once that’s gone then that means one thing.
She’s gone.
~~~
The bell rings as I open the door to the sweet-shop. Inside sit my four friends and the alicorn princess. They are intently discussing... something. I don’t make much of an effort to listen in or join the conversation.
“Oh, Rainbow Dash, you are here.” Celestia is the first to notice me. “We understood that this may be hard for you, so we tried to finish as much as we could before you arrived.” This kind of gives me mixed feelings; they all were discussing an important topic that I should be a part of without me. But then again, I don’t really want to be part of it. “We’ve decided that I shall return to being keeper of the Elements and I shall be the one to use them to combat any emergencies.”
I breathe a sigh of relief, but then she begins to talk again. “There is however another topic that I wish to bring up and it may be a bit of a tender subject.” I physically and mentally brace myself for what is about to be said. “I know that Twilight left you all so very quickly, and I know that none of you were able to say goodbye. As such, I can offer you an opportunity; I can create a temporary link between Twilight and each of you, giving you the chance to talk for a short time. Would any of you like to say a proper goodbye?” I begin to nearly choke; this entire idea just stuns me.
Applejack is the first to speak up, “I think we’d all like that, but I think Rainbow Dash should go first.” They all turn to me expectantly, but I just shake my head.
“I need a moment, I need to figure out what I’ll say. You should go first Applejack.” She nods.
“Alright, after the connection is over I’ll need you to go into the other room as to not interfere with the other connections.” The Princess touches her horn to Applejack’s head and the room is filled with light. Then, just a second later, everything returned to normal, all except one thing. A smile is stretched across Applejack’s face and tears are flowing from her eyes. She nods at us then turns to Celestia, “Thank you princess, that helped a lot.” Applejack silently proceeds to the next room.
“Wow, that was short.” Pinkie breaks the tension.
“The connection lasts much longer in your mind.” The princess touches her horn to Pinkie Pie’s head and the same phenomenon occurs. When the light fades Pinkie Pie has the same expression as Applejack. She wipes the tears of her face then wraps her forelegs around the deity. “Oh thank you, thank you, thank you!” She lets go and heads off to join Applejack.
Celestia repeats the process with Rarity and Fluttershy, both of them reacting similarly to the others. Fluttershy gives a thank you that was barely audible though her bawling. Rarity wipes the tears from her eyes and gives her very polite thanks.
Then it’s my turn.
“Are you ready Rainbow Dash?” I look down at the ground, this is what I want, but I can’t. It feels like something is latched onto me, keeping me here, not wanting me to see Twilight. At least not yet.
I clench my eyes tight to keep myself from crying yet again and I try hard to speak without my voice cracking, “I’m just not ready yet, I can’t.” Despite my best efforts my resolve shatters, “I need to talk to the others first, is that okay?”
The goddess looks down at me, a look of sympathy in her eyes. Then she turns away as if she knows something that she cannot share. “Go to your friends, I feel that you should certainly talk to them before leaving to see Twilight.”
~~~
I open the door to see my friends quietly conversing with each other, smiles on their faces and tears on their cheeks. They were discussing their memories of Twilight, reckoning back to the many adventures we all had together. All the fun we had together.
Rarity is first to notice me, “Oh, are you alright Rainbow? How was it?”
I look up at her, “I haven’t gone yet, I felt like I needed to talk to you gals first, for some reason.” They all look as confused as I feel. I don’t know why I’m inclined to talk to them, I just know that I need to.
“Is there somethin’ you need to say, Sugarcube?” Applejack walks over and puts a hoof on my shoulder. I look into her eyes and feel a twinge of sadness.
“I feel like I need to thank you, all of you. When Twilight... died,” I choke on the words, “I don’t know what I would’ve done without all of you. I love all of you so much, I just don’t know how to show how grateful I am for helping me get through this.” I find myself crying and I’m really unsure why.
Then I feel their embrace. First Applejack pulls me into a hug, which Pinkie instantly joins. Then Fluttershy and Rarity become part of the embrace. Fluttershy speaks first, “No matter what Rainbow, we’ll be here for you.” The rest of them affirm the words and we all just stay there, frozen in time. I have all of my friends there, supporting me, I should feel happy and comforted. I don’t. I feel sad and downtrodden. The others stand back and look at me.
“Are you gonna go talk to Twi now?” Pinkie questions, her huge grin contrasts the sad look of her eyes.
“Yeah, I guess I am.” I stand back up and turn to walk out. “Goodbye, girls.” I am unsure why I said it like that, but the second the words leave my lips, I feel the clasp break. Whatever was keeping me from Twi has let go.
“Are you prepared now Rainbow Dash; are you finished here?” This time I just give a curt nod. The princess leans down and touches her horn to my forehead and the room again fills with blinding light.
~~~
When I open my eyes I am standing in the center of the main room at the library. The door opens and my heart skips. There she is, standing right there before my eyes. She stands in the doorway, that unsure and curious smile sits on her face. She walks up to me and I unfreeze. I grab her as tightly as I possibly can, terrified that any little thing can take her away. She returns the embrace and together we collapse on the floor. I feel her body shake from sobs and I feel myself tremble from the tears.
“I’ve missed you so much.” We both say the exact same words simultaneously.
“I love you Dash.”
“I love you too Twi, I’ve been so lonely.”
“I'm so sorry Dash.”
“Don’t even think about blaming yourself for any of this.”
“It just hurts to be alone.” She stands up, turning away. She walks to the opposite side of the room, staring up at the wall of books, as if an answer of some kind lay hidden among pages. I stand up and walk after her. She either doesn’t notice me approach or chooses to ignore me so I put a hoof on her face and turn her towards me. Our eyes lock and I speak as gently as possible.
“I know, I know how much it hurts to be all by yourself. I don’t want to have to leave you. Not again. Only I don’t really have a choice.”
She bites her lip, looking as if she is debating something inside herself. Finally she sighs and speaks, sounding a bit cautious of her words. “But you do have a choice.”
“What?”
“If you come outside with me then you can stay here.”
Normally I’d stop and look at the choices before making a decision this big, but I didn’t hesitate. “Let’s go.” I turn towards the door.
“Really? You’ll give up everything you have in Equestria? Just to be with me?”
I turn back to look into her eyes, her beautiful eyes.“Why do you sound so surprised?” I say as I give her a short kiss.
I walk to her side and stretch out a wing, putting it around her as she gets up.
Together we walk out the door.
Author's Note
I forgot to put this here originally, but there will be an epilogue to this story.
I close my eyes as the bright light envelops me. When I can see again I am back. It is all exactly as I remember it, nothing had changed since I left it. I’m unsure what to feel until I hear a voice.
“It’s alright, this is real,” I see it but I have a hard time believing it. “You are safe here, and you are with me.”
I turn to look at Twilight, the sun illuminates her beautiful face. “Hi,” that’s all I can really manage to say, I’m just so overwhelmed. Before me stands the most beautiful mare in all of Equestria, the mare who was ripped from my life all too suddenly, and here she is. The air is filled with the aroma of lavender.
Her gentle smile turns into a wide grin as she tackles me into the soft flowers, giggling like a little filly. “Oh Rainbow I missed you, but now you’re here. Now everything’s alright, we don’t have to be alone anymore. We have the rest of forever to be together.” By this time I’m giggling too, our eyes meet and we kiss. A true and passionate kiss. All doubt in my mind crumbles and blows away.
This is where I’m supposed to be.
I stand up and unfurl my wings, “It’s been quite a while since either of us have gone flying, would you like to join me, Twi?” She nods and climbs onto my back and wraps her forelegs around my neck, and together we take off into the sky.
I can taste the clouds once more, and they are all that much sweeter since I’m with her.
~~~
Time goes on, but it never drags. Twi and have spent an eternity together, and we have another eternity before us. It is bliss, being able to be with her, but sometimes we think of our friends. I can always tell by the look on her face whenever Twilight is thinking of Equestria, she doesn’t look sad, she looks tired, as if memories take up too much energy. But we still have each other.
Then they start to show up, Applejack being the first. I always told her that she worked too hard for her own good. She just showed up in the meadow one day, out of the blue. Twilight and I were so glad to see her, it was nice to have another friend from back home.
After a while Pinkie Pie showed up, I guess she partied a bit too hard. And what’s more, she and Applejack were married, they just waited until they were both there to tell us. Makes sense though, Pinkie would’ve gotten AJ to lighten up a bit and AJ could’ve helped Pinkie to work harder. I wonder when they first became a couple.
Short after, Rarity arrived, all the stress from her job always seemed so overwhelming to me. She was as happy to see as to see us as we were to have her here. The group was almost complete again, all that was missing was a yellow pegasus.
Then, it seemed like just moments later, Fluttershy joined us. It makes sense that she was last, she lived so healthily. We were always the best of friends, all of us.
And like that, the group was back together, just like old times
~~~
We trot slowly towards the tree, heading away from the rest of the group. It certainly was nice to be with our friends again, but it meant the two of us hardly ever had any time to ourselves. A cool breeze blows across the field, carrying the soothing scent of the lavender with it. I see Twi shiver out of the corner of my eye, so I pull her close with a wing. She nuzzles my neck, and even after all this time, I still feel butterflies in my stomach.
It’s great to no longer be alone. All of that time by myself, it was just too much to bear. But now it’s in the past, I can forget all about it, pretend like it never happened. Yet, part of me doesn’t want to forget. and I think I know why. Spending those seven months without Twi has made me come to a realization. She wasn’t just the love of my life, she was the most important part of it.
But now I’m past that. I am here and I am with her, that’s all I could ever want, everything I could have asked for. We sit under the tree, just like many times before. It is wonderful, I will be able to spend forever here, with her. Nothing bad can happen to us here, we are safe.
“You okay?” Twilight’s voice shakes me out of my thought. She sounds concerned.
“I’m fine, why do you ask?” My question answers itself as I feel a tear roll down my cheek. “Oh, just ignore that, I was just thinking.”
“What of?”
“Just us, everything we’ve been through.”
A smile crosses her face, “It’s not important anymore, we’ll have each other forever. There’s no need to cry.” She gently wipes the tear from my face then kisses me. “You don’t have to be alone anymore.” She smiles.
“I guess you’re right,” I can feel the sadness leaving me, as if a rain cloud moving out of the way of the sun. I sit down in our usual spot. “Join me?”
She sits next to me and lays her head on my neck and we sit there for hours, just talking, being in love. After a while she dozes off, the whole serenity of this place was so relaxing, and it was made all the better now that I could share it with her again.
I nodded off under the shade of a willow tree, in a meadow of lavender.
Author's Note
That was harder to write than it needed to be, and thus took more time than it should have. Sorry about the wait.
