Twilight Tries To Open a Bottle of Ketchup

by Namechanger

Rating: everyone
Tags: Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Spike, Comedy, Random
Length: 3117

Twilight tries to open a bottle of Ketchup. Seriously.

When the town of Ponyville is struck with a meteor carrying mysterious cargo, Twilight Sparkle takes it upon herself to study the object for the good Equestria and, of course; Science.

Published 2012-12-08 19:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-08 19:20:01 UTC

For The Love of Science

DiscoBiscuits'

Twilight Tries To Open a Bottle of Ketchup

Twilight looked through the telescope of her bedroom as Spike slept in his basket behind her.  Tonight was the night of a small meteor shower Twilight had been waiting for since she heard of it six months ago.  It was supposed to be a super special shower that only happens once every ten thousand years, so last time it happened, Equestria wasn't even formed!

"This is so exciting!" she thought to herself as she magically floated a quill and notepad over to her to take notes as she studied them.

It was about time when the first few meteors came into view.  They were bright yellow and sparkled as the darted across the moon.

"Hmm," she spoke as she wrote down, "Ion tails; blue and yellow.  Nuclei; cluster yellow.  Speed; twenty thousand wing power.  Size; average."

Suddenly, something caught her eye.  It was a comet, but this one looked much larger than the others.  She looked through the telescope to see if anything was out of place, but she couldn't get a good view from the window.

She levitated the telescope down the stairs and out the door to the front of the library.  She peered through the telescope but soon realized that the comet was getting larger, and larger.

Twilight went wide in her eyes as she quickly saw the comet dash over the library and smashed into the town center just in front of Sugar Cube Corner.

The impact wasn't as bad as Twilight excepted, so that meant what ever crashed was very small, and the glow was making it seem large

All the lights in the houses turned on as ponies started opening up their windows to see what the noise was, only to see a small object in the center of a large pile of dirt and stone.

"What the hay was THAT!" Pinkie Pie shouted out her bedroom window in her night gown and hat.  She galloped outside to meet Twilight.  Rarity, as well as the rest of the townsfolk in the area, came around to see.

"Twilight, did you see that, that thing came crashing out of the sky!  It was amazing!"

Rainbow Dash dashed out of the sky.

"Wow! That thing was faster than I was!  I could see it all the way from my house!"

Everypony started crowding around Twilight as she hopped in the hole.

"Stand back, every pony, there could be some radioactivity around this thing," she said as she casted a spell to form a shield around her as she moved in.  There was one object in the middle of the pile of ruble.

It was a box, cardboard, but it glowed as if it were a million degrees.  It should have disintegrated on impact, but it kept normal shape, and their was writing on it, but the glow was to bright to make them out.

Twilight used her telekinesis to pick it up and it felt very light as if it only contained a few items.

"Everypony, listen up!" Twilight addressed the ponies, "I'll go take this back to my library and study it, then bring back the results the following morning!"

Everypony yelled out;

"We want to see it!"

There was a mob starting to form around, but Twilight told them it was too dangerous to leave this out in the open where it could hurt a lot more ponies than it could in a secluded area.

They all agreed that Twilight was the smartest pony in town and went back to their homes, unpleased because of them not being able to see it up close before she took it.

Spike was waiting at the front door, looking at Twilight.

"What happened back there? I just woke up to a earthquake or something!"

"Spike, grab the cooler of dry ice from the upstairs closet, quick!'

"For wha- dry ice?  You've been keeping dry ice in the house? That's dangerous!"

"Just get it, Spike, this thing is crazy hot!" she levitated the box over as Spike dragged the cooler down and opened it as he covered his face.

She dropped the box into the cooler and the air became polluted with chemicals.  They all quickly opened up the windows and ran out until the air was clean.

The box was at a cold temperature and safe to touch.  They walked in and Twilight safely discarded the cooler back to the upstairs closet and took the box to the table where Spike was eagerly waiting.

"So, what are we dealing with?" Spike asked as he poked the box with his claws.

"I don't really know, this thing came from space, but it has writings on it... so that means their is other sentient life on other planets!"

"Or it could have just been some crazy foals playing pranks on us from down the road, ever thought of that?" Spike said, tapping his noggin.

"But this thing was going twenty thousand wing power!  That's as fast as a rocket!"

"So, maybe some foals in Las Pegasus built one to shoot of in the sky with a box of pranks in it, and it was just a coincidence that it landed here during the meteor shower."

Twilight frowned at him, not understanding why he won't believe her.

"A meteor shower," Spike started, "that happens every... ten... thousand... years," he laughed nervously, "okay, maybe it isn't a coincidence... But still!"

"Or Aliens!" Twilight exclaimed, "Why won't you agree?"

"Because... I'm scared of aliens, okay?  Just calm down and open the box."

Twilight used her powers to gently cut the tape holding the box down and pulled the flaps back, releasing a gust of air.

Spike read the words on the side of the box, he sounded them out.

"H- h- heinz?  Heinz? Fifty seven varieties?  What the hay?"

There were two objects in the box, chilled.  Twilight reached down and swiped one of the freezing objects out.  It was red, and she set it down on the table next to the box and she shut it, leaving the other object in the box as she told Spike;

"Put this box next to the dry ice, will you?"

"Seriously, Twi, we need to talk about this dry ice later."

Twilight looked at the glass bottle before her.  She assumed it was a bottle after comparing it to a sarsaparilla bottle.  It was freezing cold, and it had some letters written on it.

"Heinz ketchup? Ketchup? That's what is in here?"

Twilight defiantly knew what ketchup was, but had never seen it packed in a bottle like this.  It must of been some type of experimental ketchup or something, but that didn't really explain why it came out of the sky, and what pony's name is Heinz, if that was a name.

"It's ketchup, from space!" Spike laughed from across the room, "But, why is it in that sarsaparilla bottle?"

"I don't think it is a sarsaparilla bottle, I think it was made to protect it?"

"Protect ketchup?  Why not just get some over by the farm lands, that ketchup is put in jars."

Twilight examined it for a moment.  It was such a plain sight, ketchup, but the real mystery was how it got here, and why it was guarded by glass.

"That's the point, Spike, look at the name, Heinz, what kind of spelling is that?  It's not Equestrian, and these dates on the bottle's expiration date are of numbers completely inaccurate to our time.  This thing could be from another part of the world, another planet, or maybe even a different dimension!"

"Well, open it, maybe it's not even ketchup, it could be some sort of message in a bottle?"

Twilight agreed.  First, she tried her hoofs, but she couldn't quite grasp onto it without fingers or claws.  Then, she tried her teeth, but the bottle was chilled out and froze her teeth.  A shock ran through her jaw and gums.  Then, she tried her magic, focusing on the cap.

Amazingly, even her strongest spell couldn't pop it off, and she was taught that spell by Celestia herself.

"I can't do it!" Twilight said, defeated.  She was bested by a foreign bottle of ketchup.  Spike chimed in;

"Why not just smash it?"

"What is the point then, Spike?  Just smashing it would make a mess, and demolish all chances of being able to study the substance!" She snapped back

"It's ketchup."

"It's Science!" she said, whisking around the room.

If magic couldn't pull off the cap...  She would need some time and patience, like taking care of Spike, it's extremely hard and annoying.

"Spike, go upstairs into the trunk in front of the closet and bring it down, please."

"No chemicals or anything, right?" he asked.

"No, just hundreds of pounds of equipment.  It's a big trunk."

"That's it, I'm going to sleep." Spike said and jumped in his basket as he turned the light off.

Twilight shook her head as she spent the next few hours lugging down the 'too heavy and fragile for telekenesis' equipment.  It was late into the night, around two, when she finished the set up.  The entire table was redone with a plastic covering, the bottle was placed under a force field, a glass box with a retractable entrance to fit the equipment in, and secured to the floor.

Twilight inserted a clamp attached to a rod as she levitated it in and tried to grasp the cap on the bottle.  She repeated this with multiple tools, and this prolonged long into the night.

*

Spike woke up covered in drool.  It was probably the best night's sleep he had ever gotten, maybe because he shut the door and Twilight wasn't there to talk him to near death before she passed out, leaving him wide awake.

Where the hay was Twilight anyways?

Twilight's eyes cracked open as she rubbed them.  She was sitting in a chair next to the table.  Broken pieces of the tools were scattered all over the place.

The night was a failure, obviously, and the sound of Twilight's one breath moan filled the library.  The frustration was only covered by the disappointment.

"Twilight, I had the best dream ever!" Spike said, only to get a death stare at his friend. "I'm guessing the night didn't go so well."

Twilight shook her head.

"I don't understand, Spike, it should be so easy to open it, but it's not!  It doesn't make sense, just like when I thought time travel was impossible.  This is not possible.  It's ketchup!  A bottle of ketchup!"

"Heinz ketchu-"

"Spike, I am on the verge of a mental break down.  How do we know this isn't some kind of declare of war on Equestria from another dimension!" Twilight's mane was knotted up.

Spike grabbed a comb and hopped up behind Twilight to brush her mane back.

"I don't know what has gotten into you, Twilight, even if it is 'contact' with another world, it's a pretty lame one.  It's a bottle of ketchup; sure, that hasn't been done before, but it's still ketchup.  If it's that important to you, then by all means, go ahead," he said.

"But every pony is going to want to know about it, and it feels like it's my duty to Equestria to discover it!"

"You don't think Pinkie Pie went straight to the mayor after every pony went back inside last night, do you?" Spike asked, trying to point out the obvious.

"In all seriousness, yes."

Time passed, and by the time breakfast was finished, a herd of ponies gathered around town square to see what Twilight had to say.  The Mayor was waiting at the podium and addressed Twilight by name.

"Uh, Twilight, I think they are calling for you," Spike said, leaning out an open window.

"Here goes nothing."

She grabbed the now room temperature bottle and proceeded to the podium.  Many questions were being shouted out, demanding answers.  The herd grew to a loud rumble of angry voices, but were all silenced as Twilight raised her hoof in the air.

"Citizens of Ponyville!  As you all may know, we had a small... Intrusion here in the town square last night.  I took whatever had landed back to my home for research on the specimen, but it turned out to be a... box."

Rainbow Dash suddenly flew about the crowed, "A box?!"

Twilight swallowed harder and breathed heavily into the microphone, sweat rolling down her face.

"Yes, a box.  It contained two separate vials; one containing what I believe to be a liquid like substance.  The other I haven't gotten time to check on yet, but I will be getting to it soon."

"What's in the vial, Twilight?!" Pinkie shouted out as the ponies started getting riled up again.

They started murmuring to each other, some were worried, some were excited, and some were down right terrified.  Twilight placed the bottle down on the podium and the small thud of the glass hitting the wood made every pony quickly stop and stare.

"This is what I found!" Twilight blurted out across the vast group.

An erie silence swallowed the entire town.  A pony could easily hear a pin drop from a mile away and every pony could hear each others heart beats.  Twilight looked around, even Spike stayed silent.

Suddenly, it broke, it was Rarity.

"Is this some sort of joke?"

"I swear it's not.  It's a bottle of ketchup."

"Ketchup? Have you opened it?"

"Not yet, but the strange thing is that the bottle of ketchup might be from... a possible other dimension...." her voice trailed off.

Dash chimed in, "So what if it really isn't ketchup?"

"What do you mean?" Twilight asked.

"Maybe it's like a message in a bottle that tells the future or something!" Dash explained.

"Well, I'm pretty sure that -"

"I want to see if I make the Wonderbolts!"

Every pony started getting the same idea and wanted to know their future.

An explosion of voices crashed out and every pony galloped towards the stage to get a better look.

"Please every pony, please, you might distort my research!"

"Let me see it!" one said.

"I want to see!" another grabbed.

"Hey, watch where you're grabbing!" Pinkie said, balancing herself on top of the crowd's heads.

"Back away! I can't have anypony touching the material until I have finished my research!" Twilight yelled, but could not be heard.

She grabbed it and started galloping off to Sweet Apple Acres and the rest of the crowd galloped after her.  She was carrying some of the most precious cargo in all of Equestria, maybe even the entire world.  Who would have thought that it would be an other worldly condiment?

"Ah' can't have her bringin' anythin' that could ruin mah' apples!" Applejack exclaimed.

Twilight's mane was whipping her in the face as she galloped past all the apple trees and into the vast valleys of Equestria.  This was just like the time she casted her 'want it, need it' spell on Smarty Pants.  The gang was starting to catch up and they were demolishing everything in their path.  They trampled through the acres and Applejack's screams of horror could be heard as the weak trees and shrubs were being crushed underneath thousands of hoofs.

Twilight remembered that at the end of the plains she was galloping on was a canyon, and if she didn't stop, she would tumble over and surly would be finding out what the insides of a pony looks like splattered all over a rock wall.

Before she knew it, she had made it to the edge of the canyon, and she was encircled by a hundred citizens.

"Give it up, Twilight! I need to know my future!" Rainbow Dash said with a grim smile.

"Rainbow, you don't know what's in the bottle, for Celestia's sake, stop!"

"Twilight, you're pretty close to the ledge, umm, maybe you should just hand it over," Fluttershy whispered.

Spike pushed his way through the crowd of ponies with the cooler of dry ice. He got in front of Twilight and stepped up on the cooler, meeting every pony eye to eye.

"What in the name of Equestria are you doing?" he yelled and every pony stopped talking. "Look at yourselves. It is a bottle of ketchup, a condiment. Sure, it is a space condiment, but none the less."

Every ponies expression changed.

"Now, I am going to end this. I'm taking the bottle and going to the Princess to have this opened, she will obviously know what to do. Twilight's ego got in the way of her, thinking she could open it herself, but it is obviously to hard to open a bottle of ketchup."

Spike grabbed the bottle out of Twilight's mouth and started towards Ponyville, but Pinkie Pie quickly hopped out of the group.

"What did I miss?!"

Spike was so startled that he jumped back, the bottle slipped out of his claws, and flew through the air. It tumbled down the canyon and broke open, but the canyon floor was to dark to see down, so no pony could tell the contents.

"Oops."

"Pinkie, what have you done?!" Twilight yelled.

"Well, Twilight, maybe this was for the best," Spike chimed in, "Maybe, if you couldn't handle it, and the first choice was to give it to the Princess, then maybe just getting rid of it was the next best thing."

Twilight thought for a moment.

She groaned, "You're right, Spike. Look at us, we're all fighting over a bottle. I'm just glad that this thing was stopped before things got too out of hoof."

With those words, Applejack came galloping through the crowd and stuck a hoof right in the center of Twilight's chest.

"Twi', who th' hay do you thin ya' are?! Mah' acres! Half of them have been trampled over and y'all are gunna' have ta' pay fer it all!"

"I'm sorry, Applejack, I get the Princess to fix up the place as soon as possible."

Applejack stormed off grumbling profanity under her breath. This was one crazy day, as well as yesterday, and Twilight could swear that she was going to have an ulster if she didn't get back to Ponyville. Apart from having to ask the Princess for a loan to fix the acres and the damages to the center of Ponyville, it was at the least, fun to know how close Twilight was to possibly unlocking secrets to other universes.

Every pony started heading back to Ponyville while Spike was pulling the cooler of dry ice.

Spike quickly ran up to Twilight, leaving the cooler behind and whispered, "Twilight, don't forget that there is something else in the box."

Twilight had completely forgotten about the other object in the box. She went over to the cooler when she made sure every pony was far enough, and reached in. The other object in the box was shaped very oddly. It was yellow.

It was yellow.

"You have got to be kidding me."