And Suddenly, I'm Fluttershy

by Philobrony

Rating: teen
Tags: Slice of Life, Human, Romance, Comedy
Length: 28324

Not a Pony-Earthverse Fic. One day, a slightly batty college student walks out of a bathroom and

Not a Pony-Earthverse Fic.
One day, a slightly batty college student walks out of a bathroom, and into Fluttershy's body. Things only go downhill from there.

The idea to make this fic came to me while listening to this.
Kudos to John Joseco, the fellow that drew the picture.
And finally, I apologize if I go on any author tracts about the existential, because that's what I would do in this situation.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2014-01-02 05:21:49 UTC

Dreams

Dreams

Bartholomew

I looked about, trying to catch my bearing, only then realizing that there were no bearings to catch. Brilliant.

Around me was all white, stretching infinitely in every direction.

"I must be dreaming," I said to myself.

I brought my arm up to my chin to contemplate what to do next. Wait. I have arms! I'm back in my old body!

"HA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA..." my voice trailed off.

I was clearly dreaming which meant... Blast, I'm likely still in Fluttershy's body. With that realization, I slumped a bit.

"Thou art not Fluttershy," said a voice behind me.

I turned and saw a pony standing (if one can call it that) there.

She (it was clearly female) was a deep blue, her hair like the night sky, glittering with stars in constellations unknown to man or pony, and waving in a nonexistent breeze. On hear head was both a horn and a small crown. She also wore some sort of ceremonial armor, a finely carved plate of metal with a crescent moon, as well an boots that appeared to be made of some sort of sparkling diamond. She was oddly proportioned for a pony, looking much closer to an earth horse. And then, I noticed the wings. They were folded on her back, and thus difficult to see, but they were there nonetheless.

Her presence was deeply felt, a stirring in my very being, compelling me to prostrate myself before her. I, of course, would do no such thing, but the urge to bow remained.

"What are you?" she asked me.

"I could ask the same, you have both a horn and wings!"

"We," she said, "art an Alicorn."

"And I am a human."

"Human? We have heard this term somewhere before..." her voice trailed off.

"And I've never heard of an Alicorn. It seems to me that you know more of me than I do of you."

"We know little of thy kind, save that thou seem'st to posess intelligence."

"Do you always do that?"

"Do what?"

"Speak... like a farcical stereotype of Early Modern English?"

"OUR MANNER OF SPEECH IS NOT FARCICAL, IMPETOUS WHELP!"

I fell to my knees, clutching my ears in agony.

"Oh no! We art truly sorry, our temper sometimes gets away from us."

She looked at me with concern in her eyes.

"You've got a pair of lungs there, lassie," I said in a fake Scottish accent, trying to stand up without losing what little dignity I had left.

"Dost thou needeth medical attention?"

"Other than the slight ringing in my ears, no," I said. "Although there is the matter that you are somehow in my dreams."

"We art the Empress and Keeper of Dreams," she said, "'Tis our duty to patrol the subconscious, and ward off nightmares."

"This is the first I've heard of such a thing."

"Where dost thou live, to have not heard of us?"

"Texas," I said, affecting an accent, "And we don't take too kindly to trespassers in these here parts."

"Your protest is duly noted, but we have never heard of a land called Texas before."

"I'm not surprised," I said, slipping back into an more standard American accent. "It's probably in a completely different universe. Don't quote me on that."

"Art thou from a differing reality?"

"Possibly."

"Dost thy species frequent dreams as well?"

"If you mean to ask if we dream, then yes."

"We meant, dost thy species patrol the subconscious like us?

"No, we don't do anything of the sort."

"Then what art thou doing in Fluttershy's dream?"

"A bigger question is, what am I doing in Fluttershy's body?"

"THOU HAST POSSESSED DEAREST FLUTTERSHY? BEGONE, FOUL DEMON, OR FACE THE WRATH OF LUNA OURANOS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"GAH!!!!!!!" I shouted, feeling only pain.

As I fell to the ground, she reared up on her hind legs, preparing to strike at my fallen form.

I groaned, turning over to face her. Upon seeing her ready to strike, I attempted to speak, only to find that I could not.

"PREPARE TO DIE," she said, "ANY LAST WORDS?"

"Stop," I managed to get out, shielding myself with one hand.

"Why shouldst we do such a thing?"

"Because I didn't ask to be thrown into someone else's body."

She paused at that, and went to all fours again. She walked towards me, peering into my eyes.

"Then why art thou in Fluttershy's body?" she asked, her eyes filled with rage.

"I don't know."

"How didst thou get here!?" she said, her voice raising.

"I don't know."

"TELL ME!!!"

"I don't know."

She turned away from me and trotted off, fading into the distance. But I saw something in her eyes as she turned to go.

They were tears.

Luna

Luna trotted to her balcony to lower the moon. She was sad to see her night go, and even sadder at the events that had transpired then. She needed to speak to her sister, before taking a much needed rest.

She walked in among the halls of Canterlot Castle. For others, who didn't see them on a daily basis, they were marvelous, full of grandeur and awe-inspiring, but for her, they were merely halls, spaces between rooms, there only purpose to lengthen the distance she had to walk to the Grand Dine.

She arrived into the room where royalty traditionally ate, not feeling hungry in the slightest, her appetite having been brutally murdered by the events of the previous night.

"Sister, we need to talk."

"What is it, Luna?" Celestia asked her sister, taking a sip of her coffee, "You don't look well."

"Some creature has possessed Flutershy."

Celestia spat out her drink, "WHAT?"

"Some manner of creature has taken over Fluttershy's body," Luna said.

"I need to send Twilight a letter," said Celestia, "How is this possible?"

"We knowest not, dear sister, and neither does the creature."

"So this was an accident?"

"Possibly."

"Hmm. Luna?"

"Yes?"

"Do you fancy a trip to Ponyville?"

Visitors

Visitors

Bartholomew

I awoke suddenly, my eyes opening of their own accord. I was breathing quickly, practically gasping for air. I turned towards the bedside clock to check the time, 6:12. Far too early for me, though perhaps not too much of a stretch for Fluttershy. Knowing my sleeping habits, I likely wouldn't be able to get back to sleep, but then again, it was Fluttershy's body, so perhaps... Stop it brain, it's too early to think.

I managed to get out of the bed without too much hassle, although I was far from graceful. Once I was out of the covers, I noticed something.

It was cold. Very cold.

I trotted around the house, trying to find a way to heat up the cottage.

I came across a mostly empty fireplace. When I say mostly empty, there was quite a bit of ash. It wasn't gas-lit, which meant that I would need more than a lighter or some matches. Thankfully, there was a small stack of wood nearby, as well as matches and kindling. The problem was, I had no idea how to move the wood. I didn't have hands, nor was I a unicorn, which meant that someone else must have brought it in.

How do non-unicorn villages survive? I'm sure there are some, so how do they build houses? Cook food? Or even write?

I realized that I was still freezing and began to trot back into the bedroom. What was I going to do, sit around until something else wakes up? Not likely.

I looked around. No Telly, so that was out of the picture. My eyes settled on a bookshelf. It was unlikely that Fluttershy and I liked even remotely similar genres, but nonetheless, it was my best bet.

Then common sense hit me. I couldn't get books off of a shelf. Even if I could, there's no guarantee that I could read Equestrian script.

"Goddamnit," I said. Looks like I'm going to have to wait until some of the animals wake up.

I turned to go again, and promptly heard someone knock on my door.

"Who could be up at this Godforsaken hour?" I wondered out loud.

I trotted to the door, only then realizing something else. I could neither unlock nor open the door.

"Brilliant. Someone knocks on the door, and I can't answer it."

Truth was, I probably shouldn't answer it.

Whoever was there knocked again and my curiosity got the best of me.

"I'm coming!" I yelled, hoping that the fellow outside could hear me.

How does one unlock the door? I was about to give up, but then inspiration struck. Unsanitary, disgusting, and probably awful-tasting inspiration.

Use my mouth.

I managed to open the top half of the door without too much of a problem, although I felt that I needed to wash out my mouth with soap afterwards.

"Hello?" I said.

Before me stood a pink... female, with a slightly darker pink mane. She seemed to be filled with energy, to the point of bouncing in place, despite the hour.

"That took you while, Flutters!"

"Sorry about that, I'm not... feeling myself."

"I had a doozy last night, very similar to the new pony in town sense, but slightly different, meaning that it wasn't a pony, but it was unlike my griffon or dragon sense, so it couldn't be one of them..."

She babbled on for another several minutes. I lost track of what she was saying after she went on some weird tangent about chimichangas.

"... This is the last place that I haven't checked yet. So I was wondering, is something new here? Because if it is, I need to throw a 'Welcome to Ponyville' party."

I'm a terrible liar. Always have been, always will be. But before I could answer her, I noticed that I had begun to shiver.

"Why don't you come in?" I said, opening the bottom half of the door.

"Okie Dokie Loki!" she said with a completely straight face, bouncing into the house.

"Why didn't you just use your hooves? It's much easier than using your mouth, not to mention more sanitary," she said.

Wait what? Use your hooves? That's not... Riiight, magic.

I found that I could indeed use my hooves. So thats how non-unicorns functioned.

I trotted after her into the living room and sat down.

"You never answered my question, is there anyone new here?"

I could tell her yes, or I could say no, either way, I would run into problems.

"Well?"

"Do you want something to drink? Or perhaps some food?" I asked her.

"You okay, Fluttershy? You're looking a bit... off."

"I'm... Fine. Everything's fine."

"No, you're not fine, something's bothering you. Does it have something to do with the new thing in town?"

"Yes, it does."

"Is it a monster? I've never thrown a welcome party for a monster before."

"Actually-" I heard another knock on the door.

"I had best get that," I said.

I trotted over to the door and opened it. Standing there was a pony clad in Roman armor.

"You're under arrest by order of Their Royal Highnesses Celestia and Luna."

Trials and Tribulations

Trials and Tribulations

Bartholomew

My mind was a blur at that point. Under arrest? For what? What could I have poss... Right, I said that I thought their rule wasn't divine. And here I was thinking that they were mostly benevolent. Brilliant.

I figured that I was screwed either way, why not find out what I was arrest for?

"On what charges?" I asked.

"Magical Ponyslaughter and Impersonation of a Noble."

Oh yeah, there was the fact that I was in someone else's body. Someone rather important, at that. Here I was thinking treason.

"Do you have evidence to back up these... ludicrous claims?"

"You're coming with me."

Pinkie trotted out.

"Oh, hello mister guard!"

"Lady Pie! Has this imposter done anything to harm you?"

"Imposter? Fluttershy, is this true? Or should I say... I don't know your real name, actually!" I stared at Pinkie.

"Bartholomew. And yes, this is true," I eventually replied.

"A confession! Take her away!" said one of the other guards.

"Wait! It was unintentional!" I said.

"Tell it to the judge. Which, incidentally, is royalty, and is also in Ponyville," said the guard.

Lovely, royalty. Just what I needed, one of the fellows whose regime I criticized. Open mouth, insert foot. Or hoof, in this case.

I trotted to Ponyville, four guards around me, watching my every move. Pinkie was also trotting besides us, chatting the whole time.

"And then I said, 'Oatmeal? Are you crazy!?'" she began laughing.

"Fascinating," said one of the (clearly annoyed) guards.

"I know right? Hey Bartholomew?" she said.

"What?"

"Do you like cupcakes?"

"Yes, of course."

"Good, because I was thinking about planning a 'Monster has Impersonated Fluttershy' party before..." on and on she went. It was worse than the lady last night. If you combined that volume with Pinkie's rambling, you could probably take over the world. I thought about that for a minute.

Pinkie, if I ever get out of jail, we are going to TAKE OVER THE WORLD!!!

I laughed uproariously.

"What's so funny, prisoner?" asked one of the guards.

I began to sing;

"We're Pinkie and The Brain

Yes, Pinkie and The Brain

And we're both cer-ti

Fi-a-bly insane.

We're technicolor ponies,

But one of us is a phony.

We're dinky

We're Pinkie and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain

Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain

Brain."

Pinkie began to sing;

"Before each night is done

Our plan will be unfurled

By the dawning of the sun

We'll take over the world."

The guards started;

"They're Pinkie and The Brain

Yes, Pinkie and The Brain

Their twilight campaign

Is easy to explain.

To prove their pony worth

They'll overthrow the Earth

They're dinky

They're Pinkie and The Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain

Brain, Brain, Brain, Brain"

As we walked through the town, more and more ponies gathered to watch our musical precession.

We finished just as we reached the town square. Really, it was more of a circle, but... Stop it brain!

"Narf!" shouted Pinkie, "That was fun!"

"I have no idea what just happened," I said.

"Come along prisoner!" said a guard, pushing me forward.

I had another terrible, brilliant idea.

"Come we the violence inherent in the system! Come see the violence inherent in the system! Help! Help! I'm being repressed!"

"Quiet!"

"Oh what a giveaway! You saw that, didn't you? Did you see him repressing me? You saw him repressing me!"

"Shut up!" yelled a guard.

I protested until we stopped before the town hall. There was a stage there, with three ponies standing on it, one ordinary pony, and two Alicorns. The ordinary pony had a light brown coat and a grey mane. One of the Alicorns was white, with a wavy pastel-colored mane. The other I recognized. Again, I felt the urge to bow, and urge that everyone except me acted on.

"Bow down, prisoner!" said one of the guards.

I ignored him and spoke, "Hey! You're the pony from my dream! What are you doing here?"

The white one spoke up, "Greetings Ponyville! If you're wondering what we are doing here, a creature has taken over Fluttershy's body. We are here to stand trial on the charges of Magical Ponyslaughter, Impersonation of a Noble, and possibly Mind Rape. How does the defendant plead?"

I needed to think here. If I plead guilty, I'd probably be executed. If I plead innocent, however, I'd likely lose and still be killed. This wasnt looking good. I really was guilty, at least of Impersonation, although it wasn't my fault. How does on plead that way... Wait a minute, shouldn't I be receiving legal aid?

"I protest this trial!"

The crowd gasped in unison. How did they do that?

"Why?" asked the white Alicorn.

"Firstly, the defendant is to be convicted only by a jury of their peers, in a fair and equal trial. Secondly, I am entitled legal aid. Thirdly, while I do admit that I am an imposter, I didn't want to take over someone else's body. This came at a complete surprise at an inappropriate time, and quite frankly, I just want to go home."

There were murmurings in the crowd at this.

The blue Alicorn spoke up, "What makest thou think that thou art entitled to legal aid?"

"That's just how we do things were I come from. By the way, I didn't catch your name last night."

"We art Luna."

"Alright then, Luna, why am I being tried for crimes that I did not commit? I would like to change my charges to Involuntary Magical Manslaughter."

"What is this 'Manslaughter' thou speakest of?"

"Sorry, 'Ponyslaughter'."

The white Alicorn spoke up, "Where do you come from where you recieve legal aid?"

"We think that we can answer this, sister, she said that she was from a land know as 'Texas'."

"I've never heard of anywhere named Texas."

I began to walk to the stage.

"Where do you think you're going?" asked a guard.

"To the stage."

"Not on my-"

"Guards, stand down. She may come to the stage."

"Thank you," I said, walking over to the podium. "Hello Ponyville!"

I turned to the Alicorns, "Is it alright if I tell my story?"

"Yes," said the white one.

"Good morning. I would like to tell you my side of the story. As you probably heard earlier, I did not wish to take over someone's body. In fact, this entire circumstance is coincidental."

"How so?" asked one of the ponies in the crowd.

I related the story of my awakening in Equestria.

"Twilight, is this true?" said the white Alicorn, turning to the crowd.

Standing there were Twilight, Pinkie, and three other ponies that I didn't recognize.

"What I know of it, yes, princess."

"Wait, you two are the rulers of this nation?" I asked.

"Yes, we are," replied the white one.

"So you're," I paused for a moment, "Celestia, right?"

"Yes."

"Is it true that you raise the sun?"

This was it, the moment of reckoning. If she confessed that she didn't, I could overthrow the tyrant. If she said that she did, I could interrogate her.

"Yes."

"No," I said.

"What is it?"

"The sun doesn't need raising! It's a ball of gas millions of miles away!"

"No it isn't."

"Yes it is! My people have been to space! Have you... ponies ever been into space?!"

Luna stepped in. "Yes," she replied dejectedly.

This threw me for a loop.

"What?"

"We said yes."

The crowd was silent. It was as if Death itself had appeared in its midst. I looked to Luna again. Small, barely perceptible tears formed in her eyes.

I turned back to the crowd.

"What?"

"Twi? Do you mind if I take care of this poser?" asked one of the ponies next to Twilight.

(S)he (I wasn't sure which)  was quite a sight too. She had a cyan coat and, you'll never guess, a rainbow mane. I'm completely serious, her mane was a FREAKING RAINBOW. How was that even possible? Only then, did I realize that she was going to attack me.

"No, Rainbow, don't," said Luna.

I turned back to Luna. "Was it something I said?"

"You really don't know?" asked Celestia.

"Not from around here, remember? And why is everyone staring at me?"

She explained;

"Over a thousand years ago, my sister attempted to seize the throne for herself. Equestria is a Diarchy, we have traditionally always had two rulers.

"I command the sun and she commands the moon. She grew jealous because the ponies loved the day, but slept through her night."

"Sister, let us tell it," said Luna.

"We let our jealousy fester until one day it burst. On that day, we became Nightmare Moon.

"We attacked the old palace in the Everfree, and attepted to overthrow our sister. She was forced to use the Elements of Harmony, six relics that contain unknown power, to banish us to the moon for a thousand years."

Celestia continued, "Since that day, I have been unable to harness the Elements."

I thought on this for a moment. Not only were they both thousands of years old, one of them had been trapped on the moon for a millennium. That doesn't make any sense, even a few days of complete isolation could drive a man crazy. Not only that, but Luna was standing here before me.

"How did you get back?"

Luna continued, "Like we said, we were gone for a thousand years. That time span recently ended, and we attempted once again to create eternal night.

"As our sister said, she was unable to use the Elements, which meant that we were unstoppable."

Celestia and Luna looked into my eyes, and me into theirs. In both, I saw a deep sorrow, untainted by the millennium. I saw their souls, and I saw there, embedded in their memories, images of the war. A war in which thousands died needlessly, brother fighting brother, sister fighting sister. And I understood. As you gaze into the abyss, the abyss gazes also into you.

I stood there, dumbfounded by what I saw.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry."

That was all I could say.

She continued, "But all was not lost. Just as our victory was certain, six extraordinary mares," she turned to Twilight and the ponies beside her, "harnessed the Elements, and reverted us back to our old form."

A happy ending. Good. But why did I feel so cold? So, so cold. It wasn't the air around me now. It was my soul. So, so cold...

I shook it off. Something didn't add up. I turned to Twilight and the ponied beside her.

"There's a problem with your story. There's only five mares there."

I turned back to her and looked into her eyes again. Those cold eyes. So, so cold.

For the second time, I understood. I saw six mares there, a burst of rainbow. I took a close look at those six mares. I could summon only one word;

"No."

Lyra

Lyra

Bartholomew

I trotted back to the cottage rather quickly, it had been a long arduous, and most importantly, confusing morning. Needless to say, it was about to get worse.

I saw a mint-green unicorn sitting on a bench by the path, playing a, er... Lyre. That's what it's called.

As I trotted past, she lifted her head.

"Are you Fluttershy?" she asked me.

I stopped in my tracks. From what little I knew of Ponyville, it seemed like a small town. Gossip carries quickly in such environments, plus around half of the citizens were at the "trial".

"Yes," I replied tentatively.

She stopped playing her lyre and set it beside her on the bench.

"I heard that you were an alien."

"Where would you have heard that?"

"The trial."

That made sense. Kind of. Whoever she was, she must have left before I did.

"Are you going anywhere with this, Miss..."

"Heartstrings. Lyra Heartstrings. And yes, I am."

"Good, I've been meaning to speak to you about that outburst at the trial."

"Why don't I walk with you?" she asked, picking up her lyre with telekinesis and placing it in one of her saddlebags..

We trotted along the path for a few minutes.

"How was your old life?" she asked me.

"It was," I paused for a moment before continuing, "I was a student back on my world, studying neuroscience. My brother was recently engaged..."

I turned to her, and saw something odd. She had pulled out a clipboard and pen from her saddlebag, and was taking notes!

"Care to tell me why you're taking notes?" I asked her.

"You're the first known alien to set hoof on the planet. You probably have many things to teach us."

"Like what?"

"What are humans like?"

That was I question that I've been trying to figure out for years. That's why I got into psychology, specifically to find out. Needless to say, I'm no closer to the answer than I was when I started. Time for some wit.

"Tell me what ponies are like, and I will give you your answer."

"Humans are witty," she muttered to herself as she scribbled on her notepad. "Who are your leaders?"

"There are far too many to name. The current American president is a man named Barack Obama."

"Is American President the title of your ruler?"

"As in absolute ruler? No, but he is currently the single most powerful man in the nation, and possibly the world."

"What other countries are there?"

"There are over 150 countries, even more if you count micro-nations and unrecognized governments."

"That's a lot of countries!"

"Yes, more so than I can think to name."

"What are the more important ones, then?"

"America, of course, as well as China, Japan, Canada, the UK..."

"UK?"

"It's an acronym, it stands for United Kingdom."

"Kingdom of what?"

"Officially, the country is known as the 'United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland', but most people call it the UK or England."

"England?"

"England is one of the three nations of Great Britain."

"What are the other two?"

"Scotland and Wales, but hardly anyone remembers Wales these days."

"Do whales live in Wales?"

I burst out laughing at the thought. Whales living in Wales? That is just too funny.

"What is it?" she asked, "Was it something I said?"

"Whales living in Wales! That's just plain hilarious!"

"If whales don't live in Wales, then what do?"

"Humans, of course, what else would live in Wales?"

"Wait, there are two human nations?"

I stopped walking. Two human nations? This mare is... Wait, is there only one pony nation?

"They are all human nations."

"Over one hundred human nations? That doesn't make any sense!"

"What do you mean, 'doesn't make sense?"

"How many races do humans have?"

"Between seven and ten, by my count."

"What happened?"

"What do you mean, what happened?"

"To fracture humanity so much?"

"Fracture? It's difficult to fracture a society that was never united."

"What?!?"

"Could you stop yelling in my ear? I don't want to go deaf."

"You're telling me that humans have never been united?"

"No. The closest we've come is probably the old British Empire, which spanned five or six continents, depending on if they had territory in South America. I can't remember. But even then they had enemies. France was probably their biggest rival, but there were others; Spain, Italy, Prussia, Russia, Austria, Germany, and of course, the US."

"What's a US?"

"Oh, America."

"Why does it have two names?"

"It's another mouthful. The full name of the country is the United States of America."

She sighed in frustration,"Why is human culture so complicated?"

"Lass, there is no such thing as 'human culture'. Whoever told you that nonsense is wrong."

She hung her head a bit before perking up.

"Do humans have music?"

"Far too many genres than I can remember."

"Do you know anything about it?"

"I know some of the history, and I can read music better than most, but I can't play an instrument."

"Tell me some of the history, then."

The cottage came in sight. Perfect, I could get away from the inquisitive mare.

"Actually, we're almost to the cottage now, and I haven't had breakfast yet."

"Whaddaya know, I haven't either! Why don't we continue this over some food?"

"Only if your cooking, I can't feed two ponies and all the animals so easily."

"I can make scrambled eggs."

I thought on that for a moment.

"Good enough for me."

Lyra, Part the Second

Lyra, Part the Second

Bartholomew

"I'm home! And I've brought a visitor, so don't be too crazy!"I yelled into the house.

The animals looked up at us.

"Where have you been? I'm starving!" said one particularly angry rabbit.

"So am I," I replied. I turned back to Lyra. "You can come in."

"Do humans talk to animals?" she asked me.

"No, that's just what I get for being in Fluttershy's body."

Angel cleared his throat.

"Right, breakfast. Lyra, the kitchen is this way."

As she set to scrambling eggs, I prepared food for the animals. Angel, however was being just a bit finicky. By a bit, I mean he's a really picky eater.

"Fresh lettuce, eat up!"

"Are you insane? That stuff'll kill me!"

"Yes, I am insane. If you have any more complaints, take it up with the honey badger department," I said.

"Hey, my mother was a honey badger," said Fred.

"Sorry, earth reference."

"This is earth," he said.

"My earth," I said. I turned back to Angel, "Now, be a good boy and eat your vegetables."

"I'm not a child," he replied.

"No, but you're acting like one." That shut him up.

With an exaggerated harrumph, he began to eat.

I walked back into the kitchen.

"Are the eggs done yet?" I asked Lyra.

"Almost. Give it a bit, these things take time," she replied.

I resigned myself to setting the table while she cooked.

Breakfast itself was a fairly standard affair, it was scrambled eggs, after all. Shortly after we finished breakfast, we went into the living room to continue our earlier conversation. Most of the animals had left by that point, leaving myself, Fred, Lyra, and Angel.

"So, what kinds of music do humans listen to?" Lyra asked.

"What kinds of music do ponies listen to?" I countered.

"What do you listen to, then?"

"Oh, I'm a big fan of orchestral music, specifically romantic period."

"Romantic?"

"In music there are generally seven recognized periods, Early, which is anything before, oh say... 1450? Then there's renaissance music, lasting from then until the sixteen hundreds, followed by the baroque period, which started around 1650, I think. This was foll-"

"Wait, I don't know your calendar system," she said.

"That's probably a fairly important thing to know," I said.

"So, what is your calendar system?"

"We have a solar calendar, that is to say, based on our revolution around the sun. One year is 365 days, and ever-"

"I wanted to know your calendar, not ours," she interrupted.

"That is our calendar."

"What year is your calendar at?"

"2012 AD," I replied.

"That's impossible! That's the year it is right now!"

"Wait, what? How are our calendars synchronized? You don't have Jesus!"

"Who?"

"Jesus was a prophet born about 2000 years ago," I said. "He lived in Israel, specifically in Galilee. He is probably the most important figure in human history, or at least the top ten."

"What did he do that was so important?"

"His teachings are the basis of a religion that swept the planet," I replied. "He himself, rather ironically, didn't actually do much. He was a homeless wanderer living in a desert telling everyone he met about God."

"Which God?" she asked.

"That is a very long story. In the Abrahamic religions, the only god."

"Why do you just call her God?"

"Mostly because saying God's real name is considered blasphemous."

"That's nonsensical!"

"Indeed.  The point I was getting to, however, is that the letters AD stand for Anno Domine, which means the Year of Our Lord, our lord being Jesus.

But I have a more important question for you, why is your calendar marked AD?" I asked.

"It stands for After Discord," she replied.

"Discord?"

"He is the incarnation of chaos. He ruled the world until Celestia and Luna sealed him in stone using the Elements of Harmony," she replied.

There were those elements again. They seemed to be a recurring theme throughout history.

"What are the elements anyway? Celestia said that there were six of them, and evidently Fluttershy is- er, was one of those who could harness them."

"The six Elements are Laughter, Generosity, Loyalty, Honesty, Kindness and Magic. Fluttershy was the bearer of Kindness. The Elements serve as guidelines for good living."

"Magic? How does that help you live better? Other than the fact that you can be even more of a couch potato if you're a unicorn."

She giggled a bit at that. It's nice to know that someone appreciates my (admittedly rather dry) sense of humor.

"I really don't know, it was only rediscovered two years ago," she said.

"Hmm, I'll have to look into that," I said. "In the meantime, I think I put Angel to sleep with my droning."

"It looks like it. And if you want to know about Equestrian history, you should check out the library," she said. "I'd probably better go now."

"Before you go, I do have one question. Well, several actually."

"Ask away."

"One second," I said, turning to Fred. "Fred, do we have a CD player?"

"A what?"

I thought about how to rephrase the question. "Do we have anything capable of playing recorded music?"

"No, Fluttershy didn't listen to music much," he replied.

I turned back to face Lyra, who had stood up at this point. "Where is the best place to by a record player and accompanying records?"

"Vinyl's Vinyls," she answered, almost automatically.

"Do you listen to orchestral music much?" I asked.

"Not frequently, I prefer smaller ensembles," she answered.

"When you do, who do you listen to? Composer wise, I mean."

"Oh, I like Hayden and Marezart the most, but Beethoofen's pretty good, to."

I mentally tripped at the horse puns.

"You can't be serious, those are just horse puns on real composer's names!"

"Hmm? What puns?"

"Oh, nevermind."

"Thanks for having me over!" she said.

"Thanks for cooking," I replied.

"You're welcome," she replied. And then something crazy happened. Well, I say crazy, but at this point almost nothing could surprise me. Almost nothing. Except what Lyra did next.

She kissed me.

"Bye!" she said, walking out the door, accidentally jostling Angel on the way out.

Fred had started chuckling to himself, which turned into hearty guffaws once Lyra was out of the door.

I could do nothing but stare at the door while repeatedly opening and closing my mouth in a reasonable impersonation of a fish.

Angel, who had only just recovered enough cognitive function to talk, spoke up;

"What did I miss?"

Cutie Marks

Cutie Marks

Bartholomew

I turned to see what all the fuss was about, and then it hit me. When I say it, I mean an orange ball of fuzz moving at speeds previously unthinkable to orange fuzzballs everywhere.

The impact knocked me off of my hooves, and into the gravel of the pathway.

"What the hell?" I asked no one in particular, still too dazed to sit up.

"Did ya get 'er, Scoots?" said a southern accented voice.

"Hay yeah! She never saw me coming!" another voiced boasted.

I opened my eyes and saw three small ponies standing nearby.

One of them was yellow with bright red hair with a rather large bow. The other two were the aforementioned orange fuzzball, which upon closer inspection was actually a pegasus with purple hair, and an off white unicorn with a pink and lavender mane.

I looked around. The other ponies seemed to be trying to keep out of the way of the four of us. Interesting. I turned back to the foals and stood up. They didn't appear to notice me.

I cleared my throat and did my best to look at them sternly when they turned around.

"Anyone want to tell me why I've been assaulted on my way to the music store?" I asked them.

"We're tryin' ta get our cutie marks!" answered the yellow one. She was clearly the southern girl.

Cutie marks? What were those? I thought for a moment. The only thing that they could possibly be were the symbols on everyone's flank. I looked at them and, sure enough, they didn't have any marks.

One thing I couldn't figure out was their function.

"Define," I said.

"Define what?" asked the orange one.

"Cutie mark,"  said.

"A cutie mark is a picture like symbol on a pony's flanks or haunches, signifying the personality, proclivity, or talent of a pony," chirped the third one, who I hadn't heard a word out of so far.

I thought on that. These ponies had magical marks on their flanks denoting what they would do in life? That's... Sad. Really really sad.

"What? I read a dictionary," she said, blushing.

I realized that I had been staring at her.

"Terribly sorry, I was just thinking," I replied.

"We thought we could get our cutie marks in alien catching," said the southern one, who I shall now call Ribbon for simplicity's sake.

"Well, that's clearly not the case. So if you'll excuse me, I've got to get to the store," I said.

"Wait!" said Fuzzball, "What's your cutie mark?"

"Well, Fluttershy's appears to-"

"No, what was your cutie mark?"

"Oh, I didn't have one," I said.

"Did you not find your special talent?"

"My what?"

Dictionary (I'm a jerk) spoke up again, "You know, what you're better at than anypony else?"

"Well, I was studying neuroscience, but I'm hardly a savant," I replied.

"Wait, do aliens not have cutie marks?" asked Ribbon.

"Not to my knowledge, no," I replied.

"Then how do ya know what your special talent is?"

"Through experimentation, if you have one at all," I replied.

"Ya mean ya maht not have a special talent?" asked Ribbon.

"That's exactly what I'm saying."

"That's... really sad," said Fuzzball.

"I think that it's sad that your whole life is laid out in front of you," I countered.

"We have to find our marks first!" said Fuzzball defensively.

"And then what? You'll be stuck doing that the rest of your life. Let me tell you, as much as I want to know everything, if I did, that would take all the fun out of my life. And what is life good for without any fun?"

They sat there thinking about this for several minutes.

"If you'll excuse me, I've a few things to buy," I said.

"Wait!" called Dictionary.

I turned to her. "What?"

"You didn't tell us your name."

I smiled.These kids are awfully thoughtful.

"Bartholomew. And yours?"

"Sweetie Belle," she replied.

"Applebloom," said the yellow one.

"Scootaloo," chirped the fuzzball.

"It's been a pleasure, but I really must be going now," I said.

"Bye!" the called.

"Goodbye," I said, turning towards the center of the town.

Music

Music

Bartholomew

I wondered around town for several minutes before finding the record shop.

It was a small building situated between an apothecary and a restaurant.

As I walked in, I immediately noticed the wubs. Gods, there were so many wubs, my ears were going to shrivel up and fall off if this continued for long.

"Yo, dude," said a white mare with a startlingly spiky blue mane and translucent purple goggles.

"Hello, I'd like to purchase a record player," I said, "Do you have any?"

"Yeah, they're in the back, one sec," she said, heading into the back of the building.

I examined the shelves to try and find some classical music. Surprisingly, I could indeed read Equestrian script. It was English. Figures.

"No, no, no, no, no, God no, no, no... Argh, isn't there anything good here?"

"What are you looking for?" came a more cultured tone.

I turned and saw a grey mare with a black mane and striking amethyst eyes.

"Romantic period music, specifically Beethoofen," I answered. "Although I'm not adverse to other eras."

"Romantic period?" she asked.

"Right, different universe, " I said. "Anyways, Beethoofen?"

"So you are the alien creature, then? I figured that you wouldn't look so much like a pony."

"Yes, well, I've been put into someone else's body, and, as far as I know, Fluttershy's been put into mine."

"Fluttershy? As in the Element of Kindess Fluttershy? I thought you looked familiar."

"Hey dude, I've got your record player!" called the white mare, carrying in a box with magic.

"Be there in just a bit, I'm looking for some records," I replied.

"Come on, I'll show you to the Classical section," said the grey mare. "By the way, I don't think that we've been properly introduced. I'm Octavia."

"Bartholomew," I replied.

"A pleasure. Ahh, I think we've arrived," she said. "Anything specific?"

"Symphonies, if possible, specifically Beethoofen's third, fifth, sixth, seventh, and ninth, as well as Marezart's 40th and 41st," I replied.

As I looked around, I spied a record with Octavia's name on it.

"Interessant," I muttered.

"What's that?"

"Gah!"

I heard uproarious laughter next to me. It was the white mare from earlier.

"Gotcha," she said.

"Vinyl, was that really necessary?" said Octavia.

"Nope, but it was fun," replied Vinyl.

"You can't even behave in your own store!" admonished Octavia.

"And you can't behave in-," said Vinyl, leaning in close to Octavia.

"Vinyl! Not right here, we have visitors!" said Octavia, blushing furiously.

I started laughing.

"See, she has a sense of humor," said Vinyl.

Octavia cleared her throat, "Yes, well, here are all nine of Beethoofen's  symphonies and Marezarts 25th, 33rd, 40th, and 41st symphonies."

"Thanks," I said taking the bag and setting it on the floor next to me. "I noticed that you published some records."

"Yes, well-"

"Any of Beethoofen's cello sonatas?"

"All of them are over here," she paused for a bit. "You don't have to buy my records."

"Nah, it's the least I can do, you've been awfully helpful."

I trotted up to the counter with my records, as Vinyl took up the position behind the counter.

"That'll be..." she looked at the register, "50 bits."

"That's awfully even," I said.

"Well, you purchased a whole lotta records, including some of Tavi's, so I gave you a bit of a discount."

"That's awfully nice of you," I replied, giving her the bits. (It's really not that hard to figure them out, by the way.)

"I just realized something, how am I supposed to carry this?"

"I could see how that would be a problem. For that, we have pushcarts, but be sure to bring them back within a few days."

Vinyl assisted me in loading up the carts.

"Thank you for your assistance."

"No problem, goodbye!"

"Goodbye!" I said, stepping out the door. "Nice couple," I said to myself.

Octavia turned to Vinyl, "By the way, she was the alien."

"WHAT? Why didn't you tell me we had an alien in the shop?"

"Payback for the noodle incident," replied Octavia.

"You are devious, Octy."

"Yeah, that sounds about right."

Vinyl was looking glum.

"Relax, she'll be back to bring the cart later."

"AWW YEAH!!!" Vinyl shouted, jumping in the air.

Party

Party

Bartholomew

Fortunately, nothing interrupted my trek back towards the cottage, other than a few stares. Meh, I get more when I talk to myself in buffet lines. These ponies have got to step up their games.

As I was saying, my walk was unimpeded, and I quickly arrived back at the cottage. After opening the door, I noticed that the lights were out.

"ANGEL! Why are the li-"

"Surprise!" came the call of a small group of ponies as the lights turned on.

I screamed, only to realize that there were no robbers, mass murderers, rapists, ect, etc, in my house.

Pinkie Pie hopped over to me, yammering as usual. By usual, I mean that I've only met her once, and she was talking incessantly then, too.

"Were you surprised? Huh? Were you? Were you...?"

I barely restrained the urge to murder her on the spot. It's harder than it should be.

"Y-Yes," I said.

"Good, because I didn't know if I could surprise you, because you are an alien, and you might have time travel, and lasers, and..." she gasped, "time traveling lasers! Do you have time traveling lasers?"

"Pinkie, ah think that's enough," said the southern orange mare from the trial.

She continued rambling nonetheless.

"Do you have parties on your home planet? Because it would be bad if you don't have parties!" she gasped again, "Applejack, what if she doesn't know what a party is?"

"Ah'm sure that she knows what a party is, ya don't need ta fret 'bout it, none."

I couldn't wait to lampoon Southern stereotypes. This would be fun.

"Ah know full well what a party is, we've got 'em back home, too," I said, affecting a thick drawl. It's a little hard with Fluttershy's voice, though.

"Cut the charade, pardner, y'all didn't have an accent earlier," she said indignantly, " And Ah don't take too kindly to ponies thinkin' that they can make a mockery of me."

"Sorry, the temptation was far too great," I replied, slipping back into my earlier accent. "And what's this business with a surprise party?"

Pinkie butted in, "It's a 'Welcome to Equestria, Alien That's Taken Over Fluttershy's Body' party!"

"Could I at least roll this cart somewhere? I've had to push this all the way from the record store," I said, gesturing towards the cart with my wing.

"I'll get that," said Twilight, magic-ing the cart indoors. "What's with all of this stuff?" she asked, pouring over the contents of the cart.

"Music," I replied.

"Silly filly, you could have asked to borrow my record player!" Pinkie said, brandishing one seemingly from out of nowhere. She pulled a record out of her, uh, flank, I guess, and placed it on the player.

After starting the music, she came back over to us.

"Let me introduce you to everypony! You've already met myself and Twilight, as well as Applejack, but you haven't been introduced to anypony else!"

I have no idea how she could have that much energy. It takes either alcohol or something really exciting to get me to even show my anticipation, and if I get too much alcohol, I quickly get depressive. Yeah, I've tried not to drink much after last time.

"This is Rarity," Pinkie said, pulling me out of my thoughts.

Rarity looked rather awkward, probably because of the fact that I'm an alien in one of her friend's bodies. Yeah, that's a bit of an elephant in the room.

"It's a pleasure to meet you..." she said in a rather dignified manner, trailing off at the end.

"Bartholomew, and likewise," I replied.

"This is Rainbow Dash," Pinkie said, indicating the mare with the FREAKING RAINBOW mane from earlier. Is it just me, or do these ponies have strangely fitting names?

"Just because the princesses trust you, doesn't mean that I have to, got that?"

"You seem to be the only one with any sense here, so... congrats, I guess," I replied.

She seemed taken aback for a brief moment, only to return to her new-found hobby of leering at me menacingly.

"I see what you're doing, trying to earn my trust?"

"No seriously, if an alien turned up in one of my friend's bodies, I'd likely question my sanity while calling the police. Besides, if Fluttershy's in my body, she's likely to end up in a mental hospital. Now, given the current evidence, as well as my previous record of ... instability, the doctors are likely to think that I am suffering from a mental fugue, and treat me accordingly," I said.

Twilight spoke up, "So what you're saying is that Fluttershy in your body is probably going to end up in a mental institution?"

"That is exactly what I'm saying," I replied, "In fact, I really don't know why that wasn't the first thing anyone did."

"This isn't the strangest thing that's happened to us, not by a long shot," said Rainbow.

"Yeah, there was that one time when Pinkie decided ta bake a giant cupcake while Twi was workin' on an anthropomorphism spell," said AJ, "Ta make a long story short, a giant, pony eating cupcake rampaged around town."

Everyone stared at her, save Pinkie, who was amicably chatting with the flowers on a nearby table.

"What?" AJ asked.

"I didn't catch half of what you said," said Rainbow.

"I didn't take you to be much one for, how do I put this gently, education, darling," said Rarity.

"Do y'all think that I'm stupid because I'm a farmer?" AJ asked us.

"Well, the accent certainly helps, more rural accents tend to give the impression of stupidity. For America, it's Texan and Dixie accents, as well as Bayou, and for Britain, pretty much everything; Welsh, Scottish, Irish, Cockney, all American accents, Aussie accents, the list goes on," I replied.

Everyone stared at me, save Pinkie, who was busy counting the number of grass blades in a three by three area on my lawn.

"Right, nobody knows what I'm going on about."

"What's with you?" asked Rainbow.

"What do you mean?" I asked.

"Why don't you speak correctly? You use words like 'someone' and 'anybody' instead of 'anypony'.

"I'm not a pony, remember?"

"But why do you use them? Why not 'somehuman', or something?"

Twilight butted in, "What she means is, the terms 'someone' and 'somebody' are generally used only by those who want to be extremely politically correct."

"Ahh, well, that is a good question. Thing is, Rainbow Dash, those are the defaults back home," I replied, "Those are the term we use in our everyday lives."

"You humans are so weird," said RD.

"Not all of us, but certainly I am, even by earth standards." They looked at me oddly. "My earth," I clarified.

Pinkie hopped over to us, "Enough talk, let's party!"

"Actually, talking's fine with me," I said.

She gasped, "What do you mean? You need to eat cake, and play games, and..."

"Wait, you've got cake?" I asked. What can I say, I'm a sucker for anything sugary.

"Yeppers! I've also got party games, music, and..."

"You know what, why don't we all get something to eat, and continue this conversation in a couple of minutes?" I asked.

Everyone agreed.

Party, Part the Second; Intermission

Intermission

Lyra

Lyra couldn't believe this, a human! An actual human! Admittedly in a pony body, but a human nonetheless.

She had met with this human earlier, and she had fallen for her. She had fallen hard, indeed.

Everything about her was perfect, her demeanor, the way she would go off on crazed tangents without any provocation, even the way she gestured wildly with her wings or hooves when she talked.

A human in a pony body. Absolutely perfect.

As much as she loved humans, and she hated to admit this, their bodies were... gangly and thin. The hands were amazing, but ultimately magic was far more useful. That, and they didn't have much fur. No, Lyra preferred other ponies, physically, at least. Not to say that she wasn't open minded, but she really did prefer ponies.

Fluttershy was cute before, but she wasn't Lyra's type of pony, but Bartholomew...

It's the eyes, it's all in the eyes. Bartholomew's eyes were enchanting, the way they looked at her, the way they scrutinized everything, but the were odd. There was something in them, something alluring, and off-putting at the same time. She thought for a moment, trying to place the look, but she could not.

And now, she observed Bartholomew from afar, with binoculars. Ditzy was there with her, having brought some muffins to snack on.

Ditzy Doo was a mare of extremes. On one hoof, she was incredibly clumsy, once even wrecking town hall just by sitting down. On the other hoof, she was incredibly intelligent, despite her looks, her manner of speaking, her... Actually, pretty much everything.

The two ponies ate muffins while observing the party.

"Why don't you just talk to her, it can't hurt to try," asked Ditzy.

"No, I blew it, I shouldn't have kissed her. She probably hates me now," responded Lyra dejectedly.

"Don't say that, she might reciprocate the feelings!"

"From what I know, she probably isn't attracted to ponies. She might not even know what kissing means! The again, if she doesn't know..."

"That's the spirit! Your chances aren't ruined. And even if she does know, maybe she was just surprised or..." Ditzy gasped, "She's probably worrying about her old life."

"Yeah, you're probably right."

Several minutes passed.

Ditzy spoke up, "Not that this isn't fun, but... Yeah, this isn't fun."

"I know, but I want to know what she thinks of me."

Another silence fell.

"I have an idea, why don't you ask her?" asked Ditzy.

"Not with everypony in there!"

"Come on, I can see that it's eating you up inside, just ask her and get this over with already."

Lyra thought about that.

"Fine," she said.

Party, Part the Third; I'm Going to Regret This

I'm Going to Regret This

Bartholomew

Just as I began to launch into an extended ramble on the fact that humans always wore clothes in public, much to my (and Rarity's) chagrin, Lyra burst through the door.

You heard me correctly, the same mare who decided to kiss me out of the blue. She barged into my (amazing how quickly I became attached to it) house. Lovely.

"Bartholomew, I have a confession," she said.

I surely hope so, you tried to miss me earlier. I still don't have an explanation for that.

"What is it?" I asked.

"A-actually, can we go to a more private setting? A back room, perhaps, I don't want everypony listening," she asked.

"Of course," I said.

This was beginning to look somewhat suspicious, but curiosity killed the cat, or in this case, the alien.

As soon as Lyra and Bartholomew were out of earshot, the five remaining ponies huddled.

"We're going to listen in on them, aren't we?" asked Rainbow.

"Well of course, darling, assuming Twilight's okay with it, we do need her magic after all," Rarity replied.

"Yes, we are going to eavesdrop," said Twilight. As much as she hated the plan, the princesses did tell her to keep on eye on Bartholomew.

"Ooh! Ooh! Are we going to actually drop from eaves? Because that sounds like fun!" exclaimed Pinkie excitedly.

"No Pinkie, all we need is a spell," replied Twilight.

"Aww..."

Everypony waited as Twilight cast the spell.

"Bartholomew..."

"Yes?" I questioned.

"Willyougooutonadatewithme?" Lyra blurted out.

What? Did I hear that correctly? A date? Then again, she was speaking rather quickly...

"I didn't catch that," I said.

"Will. You. Go. Out. On. A. Date. With. Me." she said carefully.

That's what I was afraid of. How to put this gently.

"Well, Lyra, I really didn't date much back home, with my own species. Really, I didn't date after Sophmore year in college. So..."

"Please? Just one date? I'll never trouble you about it again."

Time to analyze this carefully. On one hand, (hoof?) I hardly new her, and I wasn't really attracted to ponies. On the other hand... Actually, there is no other hand.

I looked into her eyes. And I saw something.

~~~Flashback~~~

February 21st, 1994, Princess Celestia's School For Gifted Unicorns

I looked at them, my tormentors. I listened to their words, their hate filled speech.

"Lyra's a freak!"

"You don't deserve to go here!"

"Filly fooler!"

"You're just a freak obsessed with foal stories!"

"No, they're real!" I stammered.

"No they're not, you filly fooling, monkey loving, freak!"

I was tempted to cry. I wanted nothing more than to break down right there. But I wanted even more to deny them the satisfaction.

"At least I actually pass my classes," I said.

The ponies gathered around me gasped, some saying "ooh!"

"What did you say?" she asked.

I was to scared to say anything again. After all, as much as the words hurt, hooves hurt more.

"That's what I thought, monkey kisser!"

That did it. As he turned to go, I elaborated upon my earlier statement;

"You're only here because your parents are rich. I got in because I'm actually intellegent, not because I'm a spoiled brat like you, Blueblood. Or should I say, Francois Sot Bleusang."

"Your name is Francois? That's so gay!" someone in the crowd.

"Graah!" he roared, launching himself at me.

The first (and only) punch landed in my face. I fell to the ground, and I lay there, feeling something warm and wet flowing from my nostrils.

"How do you like that, you-"

"Blueblood!" I heard somepony shout, "What's going on!?"

I opened my eyes just a sliver. Standing near Blueblood  was Yellowed Pages, school librarian, and a white coated colt.

"She-"

"I don't care what she did, you have no right to treat anypony like-" he stopped when he saw me. "Oh sweet Celestia. Fancy Pants, get nurse Sweetheart." The colt ran off.

~~~Later~~

"Hey, thanks for getting the teacher," I said to Fancy Pants.

"Think nothing of it, he's an insufferable twit," he replied, "But I'm more worried about your face, are you going to be alright?"

"Yeah, I'm fine," I said.

"You sure?" I nodded. "Very well then. I didn't catch your name, by the way."

"Lyra," I replied.

"Fancy Pants," he said to me.

"So I've heard."

"Well, I didn't think that I was that famous!"

"What do you mean? I just heard the teacher say your name."

"Oh well."

"Why did you think you were famous?"

"I guess my fame doesn't extend beyond the boundries of math class."

"What did you do?"

"I aced the entrance exam, for math, at least."

"Really?"

"Yes, but sadly, I am lacking in the magic department." The bell rang.

"Goodness me, look at the time! I need to get to History!"

"Goodbye!" I called.

"Oh, yes, it was a pleasure," and with that, he walked off.

~~~Several Years Later~~~

"Oh, come on, ask her out!" I said.

"No, I'd just muck it up," Fancy Pants replied.

We sat in the cafeteria in one of the corner tables, away from most other ponies.

"You are probably the most gentlemanly person I've ever met, you'll do fine!"

"In case you didn't notice, I'm not exactly a hit with the lad-, I mean fillies. Blast it Lyra, you've got me talking like you now!"

"Yeah, I do that," I replied.

The object of Fancy's affection was one Fleur-de-Lis, duel champion of junior year, and third most talented student magician in the school, behind Twilight Sparkle and Trixie Lulamoon, but they didn't duel.

"I don't know about this..."

"If you don't, I will," I replied.

He waited a few moments. "Confound you, Lyra," he said, getting up.

~~~Present Day~~~

"Bartholomew?" Lyra asked.

I started.

"What the hell just happened?" I asked noone in particular.

"What do you mean?"

I realized that I had peered into her memories, not unlike what I had done with Luna earlier.

"You've been staring off into space for a while now, are you okay?"

"Yeah, I'm fine."

"So..." she blushed furiously.

One date couldn't be that bad. I'm going to regret this. Gods, am I going to regret this.

I sighed in defeat, "When?"

She practically squee'd.

"Well, Hearth's Warming Eve is coming up soon, so we could do something then, maybe?"

"What date, or, more importantly, how many days from now?"

"Three days from now," she replied.

Let's see, this is the twenty-first, so that would be...

"Christmas Eve?"

"Is that what humans call it?"

"Yeah," I said.

She leaned in to kiss me again.

"No, no, stop. I'll go on a date with you, but absolutely no kissing, got that? Or hugging. Or..." I realized that I was being just a bit... odd. Hey, I'm still not really down with the whole 'intimacy with ponies' thing.

She seemed to deflate at my words.

"She we go back out?" I asked.

"Yeah," she replied.

What could possibly go wrong?

Ditzy watched the whole thing for the air, having had to move when Lyra and Bartholomew went into a back room.

Ditzy was no master, but she could read lips well enough, and she was elated when Bartholomew said yes to Lyra. Then again, she was a bit sad, but for entirely different reasons. She then realized that she needed to pick up Dinky from school.

"Oh, I need to pick up my muffin!" she exclaimed, flying to the schoolhouse, and nearly impaling herself on some decorative spikes on somepony's rooftop.

"Well, Ah can't believe it, they're goin' on a date on Hearth's Warmin'!" said Applejack.

"How romantic! There must be something we can do to help them," said Rarity.

"Quiet down, they're coming back!" said Twilight.

I walked into the living room, only to see the Elements frozen in place doing party related tasks. Pinkie's party hat fell into her drink. Something was amiss.

"What's everyone staring at me for?" I asked.

Rainbow started whistling.

Something was definitely amiss.

Rest

Rest

Bartholomew

The party that followed was much like a child's birthday party, complete with cardboard party hats. I never liked parties as a kid, and it didn't get better as an adult, even if the parties were completely different.

Much to Pinkie's chagrin, I did end up talking most of the time. Rarity was evidently a tailor, AJ a farmer (figures),  Pinkie was (professionally) a baker, and RD was a weather pony. Not the type we have back home, mind you, pegasai can literally control the weather. I have no idea how that is even possible.

The party began to wind down, and various ponies excused themselves, first AJ, then Rarity, followed quickly by RD and Twilight. Pinkie cleaned up, helped me set up my record player (which was awfully nice of her), and excused herself. That left only myself and Lyra.

"So... I guess I'll see you around?" I said awkwardly.

"Yeah, goodbye," she replied.

Well, this is awkward.

As she left the building, various animals came into the living room.

"Alright everyone, who wants dinner?" I asked.

Most of the animals answered yes.

"Alright," I said, getting the animal feed out, and then preparing my own meal.

I was troubled, of course, the impending disaster that would be my date was only three days away. Then again, when I woke up yesterday, I would have never thought that I would possess a pony. Funny the way that works, isn't it?

As soon as dinner was finished and the dishes washed, I went to the bedroom to sleep. The day had been exhausting.

I was out as soon as my head hit the pillow.

I found myself in the same empty blankness that surrounded me last night. I looked around, expecting someone to talk to me.

There was someone, or rather, something standing there.

It was a hodgepodge of various creatures thrown together by a tornado, and it had an aura about it, much like the princesses. Unlike the princesses, however, I had to fight with my instincts to look at it, as if there was something deeply wrong with what I was seeing.

"Didn't your mother ever tell you that it's rude to stare?" it asked me.

I was taken aback at first, but I then remembered that pretty much everything in Equestria was sapient. It was from Equestria, of course, because I'm pretty sure that someone back home would have noticed a creature like this.

"What are you?" I asked.

"I am a Draconequus," he said with some pomp.

"So... What are you doing in my dreams? Are you some sort of... Dream patrol thing?"

"Hardly," he said, "I am currently using what little power is currently in my disposal to keep widde Woona away."

"You seem to posses enough power to keep away the equivalent of a Vala, so who are you?"

"I am Discord, bringer of Chaos and Disharmony," he replied.

So I was literally talking to the pony version of the devil. Brilliant.

"What do you want from me?" I asked him.

"Just to say thank you," he said.

"Thank you? For what?"

"For causing so much chaos! You have created more disharmony in two and a half days then was created in the last three months!"

"So, me being here is basically feeding you?"

"Yes. Well, no, but it is a lot of fun watching you."

"Rather than watch me, could you put my mind back into its body?"

"Of course not! Besides, even if I wanted to, I couldn't."

"Why not?"

"It's beyond my power to do such things."

"How so?"

"It's a different universe, my power only extends to this reality. I mean, I can observe other universes, but I can't actually do anything there."

"A lot of help you are!"

"I no, rite?"

I stared at him blankly.

"Where was I? You humans are so chaotic! These ponies are obsessed with order, particularly dear Celly."

"Unlike you, we are Chaotic Good rather than Chaotic Evil."

"I take offense! I'm not evil, just a bit... Disgruntled. If anyone's evil, it's you humans, at least I never killed anyone."

I sighed. He had a point there, assuming he was telling the truth about not killing anyone.

"Then why do ponies believe that you're basically the devil?"

"It's a long and boring story involving-" he grunted. "Looks like I'm running low on power, ta-ta!"

With that, he disappeared.

"Well, that was... Interesting," I observed out loud. I heard the clip-clop of hooves behind me, and turned around.

I saw Luna trotting towards me, a worried look on her face.

"Hath Discord done anything to thee?" she asked.

"No," I replied, "but he did mention that he never killed anyone. Is this true?"

"Well yes, but..."

"Then why is he imprisoned?"

"Its a long and boring story, and we are not in the mood to tell thee."

"If that's not a cheap cop-out, I don't know what is."

"He was... Chaotic. He may not have killed anyone, but he was a tyrant nonetheless. He controlled the sun, moon, and stars, changing the time of day at a whim, he made clouds out of truffles, and..."

"Truffles? Really?"

"When he got free again, he made the clouds out of cotton candy."

"As hilarious as that sounds, it seems a little pointless."

"Indeed. He also made it rain chocolate milk."

I had to resist the urge to start singing.

She looked at me worriedly, "What is it? Art thou ill- Oh no, art thou about to sing?"

I nodded, because if I opened my mouth, I would start singing.

She started laughing. "That is just about the funniest thing that we hath witnessed in millennia."

I glared at her about as well as one can glare when they're trying not to sing.

"We art going to depart from thy presence," she said, disappearing from my dreams.

Just when I though that I couldn't take it anymore, I woke up.

Bon-Bon

Bon-Bon

Bartholomew

"Wake up!" said a voice.

"Don't hit Bartholomew, Angel!" said another voice.

"Graaargh," I mumbled intelligently.

"Oh look what you've done, Angel!"

I finally managed to get some real words out, "What do you want?"

"Its nearly eleven!" said Angel.

I opened my eyes, "Is it now?" I asked.

"Yes," Angel responded angrily.

I looked at the clock. 10:47 AM.

"Brilliant," I said. I turned to Angel, "Why did you need to wake me?"

"Well, uh..."

I stared at him. "Really?"

I took his silence as a yes.

"Right then, might as well get around to doing something, then," I said.

After breakfast (brunch, really) and a shower (very much like human showers, mind you) I decided to go into town again. I did have a cart to return, after all.

As I walked through town, I got a few stares, I was (in their eyes) a madmare with a cart, traipsing around town while whistling a pleasant tune.

That is, until a ball of fury got in my way.

"Who do you think you are!?" she asked me.

She was a cream colored mare with a pink and navy mane, and her cutie mark was a set of three wrapped candies. Etched into her face was a look of pure rage, and something else, something I couldn't quite place.

"Well!?"

"Probably delusional," I responded.

"What have you done to Lyra?"

"What do you..."

I caught her eyes.

Oh no, not ag-

~~~Flashback~~~

The bell above the door rang as somepony entered the candy shop.

"I'll be there in just a second!" I called.

"Don't worry, I'm just browsing," replied the pony.

I finished what I was doing and quickly rushed to the counter.

I saw a mint green unicorn mare looking around the shop at the variety of candies, chocolates, and other assorted treats on shelves throughout the store.

"Looking for anything in particular?" I asked her

"Nah, not really."

She continued to look at the shelves.

"I've never seen you in here before, are you new to town?" I asked, attempting to make conversation.

"Yes, actually, just moved here from Canterlot a few weeks ago," she said.

"How do you like it here?"

"It's fine. A bit small though, but the people here are pretty nice."

People? That wasn't a word that was frequently said.

"Ah ha!" she exclaimed.

"Did you find something?"

"You do carry it! I was beginning to wonder..."

"What?"

"Plain milk chocolate," she replied.

I chuckled a bit.

"You really should make it a bit easier to find," she said.

"If you just wanted plain chocolate, you should have gone to the grocery store," I said.

"Nah, doesn't taste as good."

I rung up the chocolate and bid her a good day.

"Thanks, uh... I didn't catch your name, actually," she said, trotting towards the door.

"Bon-Bon," I replied. "What's yours?"

"Lyra," she said, leaving the building.

Weeks passed before I saw Lyra again.

It had been a very busy day, so I decided to take a walk in the park to calm down a bit. As much as I enjoy making candy, running a shop, and the like, sometimes I just needed a break, hence the walk.

I saw, sitting on a park bench, Lyra, playing a lyre, with a small cup for bits.

"That's really good music," I said, throwing some bits into the cup.

"Thanks," she said, not looking up from the sheet of music in front of her.

"Did you like the chocolate?" I asked.

She looked up at me. "Oh, it's you, terribly sorry," she said. "Bon-Bon, right?"

"Yeah. Mind if I sit?"

"Of course not."

"Tell me, why did you suddenly perk up when you heard that it was me?"

"Not a whole lot of ponies like me."

"Why not, you seem like a fairly nice pony," I replied.

"Promise you won't laugh?"

"Cross my heart and hope to fly, stick a cupcake in my eye," I said, mimicking the actions while remembering to close my eye.

She looked at me quizzically before continuing, "I think that humans exist," she said.

Humans? The foal stories?

"How," I asked.

Despite her quirks, our friendship grew, and within a few months, we became roommates.

We grew closer and closer, but nothing could have prepared me for what happened next.

It was just another Friday evening, a night in town, going to a restaurant with a bar. I was paying for the whole thing, for which Lyra was extremely grateful.

On our way back to the shop (we lived in the upper floor) she said something very troubling.

"That was great, Bon-Bon, you're a really good friend," Lyra said.

Strangely, however, I felt somewhat hurt at those words. But why? That's what we were, friends, but part of me wanted something...

More.

I attempted to banish the thought, but it continued to return. I couldn't possibly be infatuated, could I?

After a short while, I came to a realization.

I was.

That night, I lay awake in bed, thinking about Lyra. I just couldn't shake the fact that I had a crush on Lyra.

It didn't mean anything, though, it was just a crush, it would pass.

But it didn't.

I decided to talk to someone about this, my good friend Ditzy Doo.

"Thanks for coming, Ditzy, it means a lot," I said.

We were sitting in a plaza outside Sugarcube Corner, sipping coffee.

"Aything to help a friend," she replied. "What's eating you?"

"I think... that I'm in love," I said.

"Who's the lucky stallion?" she asked, before noticing my expression. "Mare? It's not me is it? Because I don't really-"

"No, it's not you."

"Who then?"

I thought for a moment, should I really tell her? I had already indicated that I was going to, so there was no backing out now.

"Lyra."

She choked on her coffee.

~~~End of Line~~~

"What in the name of Celestia are you staring at?" asked a rather irate pony.

I was jolted out of my trance.

"Hmm?" I asked intelligently.

"As I was saying, if you break Lyra's heart, I will end you, understand?"

I nodded and gulped.

"Hmph," she said, trotting away, leaving a human in a pony's body absolutely terrified for his life.

Music. Again. Also, Doctor.

Music. Again. Also, Doctor.

Bartholomew

With that bit of unpleasantness out of the way, I decided to get back to what I was doing, namely, carting the cart (heh) back to Vinyl's.

I arrived at the shop within a few minutes, fortunately, and trotted in, pushing the cart.

"Yo dude, why didn't you tell me you were an alien?" asked Vinyl as soon as I walked in.

"Because you probably wouldn't have given me a discount," I quipped.

"You kidding me? Had I know you were an alien, you could've taken all that for free!"

"Well, damn," I replied. "Anyways, here's your cart back."

"Thanks, dude."

I left the shop and headed for the library. There were two primary reasons for doing this. One, I needed to know Equestrian customs, particularly concerning dating. Two, my natural curiosity compelled me to learn as much as I could about this place before I woke up.

Yes, I do still believe that I'm hallucinating.

A brown stallion (still getting used to the term) briskly trotted towards me.

"Fluttershy, I have great news! How would you like to see the the gardens on Reighnum 2... Fluttershy?"

I was merely trying to cope with the fact some random pony was spouting gibberish at me.

"Sir, I believe you have the wrong man," I said.

"Wrong man... You're not Fluttershy," he said, his voice taking an edge.

"No sir, I am not. Now, if you are Fluttershy's boyfriend, I must say, I'm surprised that you haven't heard the news yet. Not the most attentive guy, are we?"

"Whatever you have done to her, I will do to you tenfold!" he got very close, uncomfortably close and stared into my eyes.

I awoke in bed back at the cottage.

"What the hell..?" I asked.

The stallion stood there with a sheepish look on his face, "Weeell."

I thought back to the encounter earlier. Let's see, I looked into his eyes, that never ends well, and then...

Oh God, his eyes.

I involuntarily shuddered.

"Yeah, that tends to happen when someone tries to soul-gaze me. If it's any consolation, that was entirely my fault for jumping to conclusions back there. My name is Clockwork, I'm the local clockmaker and inventor extraordinaire! Well trained in the arts of mental defense, if I do say so myself," he said.

"Bartholomew," I said. "Tell me, where is Gallifrey?"

"Why it's... Well. It seems I've been found out."

"That tends to happen with these things, Doctor."

"I thought I was better than that..."

"You are, but you're a TV show back home."

"Were you human?"

"Yes. And, you had your own TV series."

"Really? What was it called?"

"Doctor Who."

"Ha! I love that line!"

"I surprised you're not freaking out."

"I've seen stranger. It does bother me a bit that there's a universe without me, though. Has anything drastic happened?"

"No."

"Daleks?"

"No."

"Cybermen?"

"No."

"Sontarans?"

"No."

"Really? I'm surprised. That sort of thing happened all the time in my world."

"Not in mine. In fact, my current... condition is probably the strangest thing anyone I know has experienced."

"Hmm. Perhaps if- No, that wouldn't work," he paused.

"Don't tell me you can't help me either!"

"Sorry, not to good at the mental stuff. Gets a bit complicated."

"Well you're helpful."

"I know. I do have a question for you though, how would you like to see the universe?"

"Me? I'm honored, but on what grounds? I'm just some guy, who happens to have his body switched, but still. That's hardly grounds for adventuring."

"Oh come on! I'm giving you the offer of a lifetime, nay, eternity!"

"I would, but I still need to figure out how to get back."

"No time at all will pass! It's the perfect getaway! Leave Ponyville and see the universe!"

"No thank you. This is coming from someone who has spent their entire life learning, there are some things best left hidden, some secrets best kept. I would go, but honestly? I don't want to be omniscient. Takes all the fun out of life. I'm merely happy I live in an age where knowledge is readily available, and the future still uncertain."

"Those are incredibly wise words from a madman. Then again, I espouse wisdom all the time! Nonetheless, you can't be left knowing of- Actually, I had best not tell you."

"What?"

*Flash*

I awoke on the couch.

"How did I..? Oh." The memories came rushing back to me. The Doctor, his offer, and my declination. And then... Fuzziness. Sort of fluffy, too, not unlike a longhaired cat. Wait, where did that come from?

Shaking the thought from my head, I got up. There was still much to be done, first of all, to the library. I needed to catch up on my history.

To Canterlot!

To Canterlot!

Bartholomew

I trotted towards the library, this time wary of any sudden interruptions. Fortunately, there were none for once. I pondered upon this incredible luck as I opened the door to the library. As you can probably tell, my luck didn't hold. Oh  well.

"Mmm, where are all my quills!?!" I heard Twilight yell worriedly.

I trotted over to where the elements were standing.

"What's got Vampire- I mean, Twilight so worked up?" I asked.

"The Princess's given her a test and she's freaking out over it," Applejack replied.

I watched as she magically pulled an oversized book off a shelf.

"I think this is a bit excessive. Ooh, that's gotta hurt," I said as the book fell on Spike.

"Well, she's a bit... Obsessive-Compulsive. She does this about nearly everything."

I continued to watch her as she darted around. "Man, she's worse than me when I have to host DnD night."

"I think she's takin' it pretty well, considerin'.

She promptly exploded.

"You were saying?" I asked.

"Hmm. I stand corrected. Anyways, y'all should probably pack up. We're leaving for Canterlot soon."

"Oh come on! I just wanted some history books, is that too much to ask? Instead I have to go to Camelot! And you guys are ok with this?"

"She's the princess, darling. It is our duty as Equestrian citizens to do as she says."

"You're all mental! And I should know!"

"I don't know what you're worried about, I can pack in ten seconds flat," boasted Rainbow.

I sighed and turned to go. Why can't anything go well?

The train ride to Canterlot was brief. From what I learned, it is the capital of Equestria, and the third largest hub of trade in the world. It would be the first but it's on a mountain and not even remotely close to a sea.

After disembarking from the train, we headed to the castle. While Twilight had a private meeting with Celestia, I (and the other ponies) decided to snoop around.

I wandered through the castle hopelessly lost. I really wasn't surprised by that, in fact, I expected to get lost sooner. As I wandered, I heard a faint melody drifting through the halls.

I walked about, attempting to find the source. The melody itself, while I couldn't make it out clearly, it seemed strangely familiar.

As I grew closer, I caught the words, and the melody, a melody which I knew all too well.

I turned the corner to find Luna standing on a balcony.

Around us for gladness the bluebells were ringing,

Ah!  little I knew then how soon we should part.

Still glows the bright sunshine o'er valley and mountain,

Still warbles the blackbird its note from the tree;

Still trembles the moonbeam on streamlet and fountain,

But what are the beauties of nature to me?

With sorrow, deep sorrow, my bosom is laden,

All day I go mourning in search of my love;

Ye echoes, oh, tell me, where is the sweet maiden?"

"She sleeps 'neath the green turf down by the ashgrove," I replied.

She started.

"I'm sorry. I'm so, so sorry. If I could go back, I would, I certainly would."

"Begone. Thou art not welcome here."

I trotted up to her. "I can't imagine the pain you're going through. Even a loveless sod like me knows that losing a loved one is worse than having your life turned around.

"If I could go back to the life I lead,

Yes I would,

If I could,

I surely would.

Mmm-mmm.

If I can't I'd try until I'm dead,

Yes I would,

If I could,

I surely would.

Mmm-mmm.

Away, I'd rather sail away,

Like a swan that's here and gone.

A man get tied up to the ground,

He gives the earth

It's saddest sound,

It's saddest sound.

Mmm-mmm."

Luna began;

"I'd like to see Fluttershy once again,

Yes I would,

If I could,

I surely would.

Mmm-mmm.

Without her all I seem to feel is pain,

I loved her,

Yes I did,

I surely did,

Mmm-mmm."

"I'd hate to break this beautiful moment, but I feel that you should be left alone," I said.

For her part, she slumped to the floor crying. For mine, I turned and quietly walked out, wiping my own tears from my eyes.

The Crystal Empire, Part the First: Whale Noises and Magic Scarves

Whale Noises and Magic Scarves

Bartholomew

I followed Celestia's directions back to Twilight and Co. She informed me that we were getting on a train again, this time to the frozen north, a land simply called "The Crystal Empire."

Not only does that sound like another bad Indiana Jones movie, I was expecting a horse pun! Nice job universe, you failed me again!

On the bright side, no groaning over the name.

Evidently the kingdom had been lost for a very long time and had only recently been resurrected. This interested me greatly. There was so much mystery about this land, so much excitement over what I could find there.

I might actually enjoy this escapade.

The train ride was horrendously long, over four hours. You heard me right;

Four. Hours.

Actually, it was closer to five. You heard me right;

Five. Hours.

I don't know what it is, but that just doesn't have the same ring to it.

By the time we reached the train station, it was late evening, nearing seven. And for the last half-hour, everything outside the train was covered in snow.

A voice called out of the intercom, "And here we are, the Crystal Empire. Almost. A guide will be at the station to escort you to the Empire itself. Please take all belonging with you, and thank you for choosing the only state-sponsored railway in Equestria, the aptly-named Equestrian Rails. And now a word from our other sponsor, Bad...

I stopped listening to him babble about what's-his-face and picked up what I brought with me; toiletries, and a book on world history that Twilight lent me before we left.

Eeyup, I was pretty much set for a couple days, assuming I could find food on the tundra. Or shelter. Or wood. Or matches. Or...

Ah well, I wasn't set if things went badly. But when did that ever happen?

As I waited patiently for a Giant Space Flea From Nowhere to devour me, I walked onto the station itself.

The others filed out being me. The only other soul in this island amongst a sea of snow was a large pony in a scarf and goggles.

Having fur is a wonderful thing. Except I was still freezing to death. Honestly, I'm surprised he wasn't. Come to think of it, Rarity also had a scarf. She didn't seem to be having much trouble with the cold.

Perhaps scarves are magic in Equestria?

But I'm getting off-topic here.

We were standing in the middle of a blizzard and a mysterious white pony with a scarf was trotting toward us menacingly. By trotting, I mean stumbling through the wind.

"Twilight!" He (his voice was very deep,) called.

"Shining Armor?" She asked. Seeing that it was this "Shining Armor" person, she ran toward him.

"Hold on, am I missing something?" I asked Rarity, as she was the only one unbothered by the cold thanks to her super-scarf.

"Well, Shining Armor is Twilight's dear brother," she replied.

It seems she has a brother. I wonder if he's getting married?

He called to us, "We'd better get moving, there are things out here we really don't want to run into after dark."

I barely resisted the urge to say "dun-dun-DUN!"

We trotted along for a bit as Twilight and Shining gave a bit of exposition. You know, why we're here (why we're in the Crystal Empire, not the meaning of life), who Sombra was, the fact that there's a demon unicorn named Sombra, and the fact that we will probably end up fighting him.

You know, unimportant stuff like that.

I absently wondered if he was a giant alien. Even if he wasn't a flea, it fit my expectations well enough.

Suddenly, in the middle of the exposition, there was a random whale sound. I kid you not, it sounded like a whale. In a blizzard.

"We have to get to the Crystal Empire now!" Shining shouted.

Yes, because giant space unicorns from nowhere that make whale noises are a threat to public safety.

As it turns out, yes. Yes they are. In fact, I daresay that we make it law that if a giant space unicorn comes out of nowhere, we need to nuke it from orbit, because the one that appears right after I joked about its existence tried to kill me.

And the others too, I suppose, but they aren't the ones telling you this story, are they?

So yeah, we had to run all the way to the force field. It didn't seem to resist objects, which is interesting because no snow got through it.

I wonder if magic scarves protect agains the snow because the snow itself is magic?

Winded by the run, I stumbled and fell to the ground.

"Everypony okay?" Twilight asked.

All of us replied with a tired "yeah."

After a few seconds to recover, I noticed something.

"Hey, where's Shi-"

I was cut off by said stallion flying through the forcefield.

He slowly and shakily stood up.

"Shiny, your horn!" exclaimed Twilight upon seeing him.

Sure enough, his horn was covered by black crystals.

You know, because it's the Crystal Empire.

We walked into town, Rarity gushing over every detail of both the city and the palace.

I think Rainbow's statement about it being another old castle fit remarkably well.

"Another old- have you lost your mi-"

"It's just sparkles, Rarity," I groaned, rubbing my forehead with a wing.

Those things are quite useful.

We walked to the throne room at a brisk pace. We entered the room to find a pink alicorn sitting in the throne, looking as if she would doze off at any moment.

"Cadance!" Twilight shouted, running towards her.

They promptly did a strange dance of sorts. My mouth hung open at the sight.

"It's Twi's old foalsitter," Applejack explained.

Damn these horse puns. Damn them all.

They had finished their strange ritual when Cadance joked,"One of these days we need to get together when the fate of Equestria isn't hanging in the balance."

I'll admit, I chuckled.

Shining explained that Cadance used the magic of love and light to keep Sombra away. As childish as it seems, it must of been working, 'cause it was flowers and lollipops inside the shield.

"I want to help her, but my magic has been countered by King Sombra," said Shining, gesturing to his horn.

"Wait a minute! You're telling me that you can't help her because your magic has been countered by Sombra, correct?" I asked him.

"Yes."

"But your magic was only cut off five minutes ago! You mean to tell me that you could have helped her all this time, but instead you bummed around doing nothing? What were you thinking?"

"I have been working my flank off to-"

"That's enough!" boomed Cadance. "Shining has been running the day-to-day affairs of ruling a nation in my stead for the past week. The only thing keeping me awake is my magic, and that's been near empty the last day or two. We can't hold out much longer."

"You wouldn't need to be running on empty like that if you just traded off! It wouldn't be pleasant, but it would've allowed us much more time to think of a solution to this mess!" I yelled.

Everypony stood in stunned silence. I wasn't sure if it was the sense of my words, or the fact that I just yelled at a monarch.

I resisted the urge to capitulate and instead stared back at them.

There was a long pause.

"Celestia damn it!" Shining yelled.

"Shiny!" Cadance and Twilight exclaimed in unison.

I continued to make my stand.

"I told you, Cadance!" he exclaimed. Letting out a deep sigh, he continued, "I'm sorry guys."

I relaxed a bit.

"I think the best course of action would be to start figuring out how to fix this mess," I said.

"That's it!" Twilight shouted.

We all cocked our heads to one side.

"A research paper! This must be part of my test!" she said. "Is there a library where we can get started?"

"I'll have one of the guards escort you," said Shining.

Once we arrived at the library, Twilight spoke up.

"What we need to do is split up. Two of you need to interrogate the ponies, the rest of us will search the library."

"I volunteer for library research!" I blurted.

There was a general vote on who was going to ask the ponies questions. Myself and Rainbow Dash were chosen.

"Oh come on! I specifically volunteered for the option that didn't require social interaction!"

"Myself and Pinkie are excellent finders, and Rarity will just swoon every twenty seconds at the crystals," she responded.

"What about AJ? Or Spike, even?"

She paused for a long time.

"You need to make friends."

I facewinged to prevent brain damage from facehoofing. "My God, I wish I had hands again," I muttered to myself.

That, my friends, is why you don't argue with royalty. You end up playing extremely incompetent cop to a rainbow-colored pony's downright evil cop.

About halfway through the routine I came up with a response to the friends excuse to get me out of the library.

I promptly quoted Shining Armor, replacing Celestia with my go-to deity.

Ultimately, though, it was a lost cause, as we were retrieved when Twilight found the answer in a book.

Just goes to show you, nothing that is important cannot be found in a book somewhere.

Two aesops in a day, I am on a roll!

So yeah, some weird tradition about a crystal fair. Basically, it was like the Fourth of July back home, except nationalism literally powered the defenses of the "Empire."

This universe is starting to get on my nerves.

And then, we broke out into song.

Princess Cadence needs our help

Her magic will not last forever.

I think we could do it

But we need to work together.

We have to get this right, yes we have to make them see

We can save the crystal ponies with their history.

History: it saves lives.

It says that they liked jousting

They flew a flag of many hues

Made sweets with crystal berries

"Wait, they had a petting zoo with tiny ewes? That rhyme was so forced! What idiotic god decided that these would be good lyrics for a song?" I attempted to shout over the chorus.

"Meghan McCarthy!" Pinkie shouted.

"Who?" I replied before getting drowned out by the chorus.

Oh we have to get this right, yes we have to make them see

We can save the crystal ponies with their history.

There was a crystal flugelhorn

That everypony liked to play.

And the crystal kingdom anthem

Can you learn it in a day?

Oh we have to get this right, yes we have to make them see

We can save the crystal ponies with their history.

I must amend my earlier statement; I despise this universe.

The Crystal Empire, Part the Second; Singing, Jousting, and other Fair-y Activities

The Crystal Empire, Part the Second; Singing, Jousting, and other Fair-y Activities

Bartholomew

Thanks to the magic of pre-choreographed spontaneous musical numbers, we managed to set up the entire festival in under five minutes.

Don't ask me how. Please.

Better yet, I know the answer. It's magic, I ain't gotta explain sh-, I mean, anything.

"What's this thing for?" AJ asked, poking a strange statue with her hoof.

"The last page of the book mentioned-"

"Wait, not only was this done in five minutes, but Twilight sculpted a crappy statue and nobody noticed?" I cut Twi off.

They nodded.

At this point I was sure that a bunch of tiny chickens had taken up a nest inside my head and had begun pecking at my brain, because I had a splitting headache.

"I need an Aspirin," I muttered.

We walked all the way up to the balcony. Again. An announcement about the fair had to be given, after all.

And so, Pinkie and I played a wonderful fanfare on the flugelhorn for Cadance and Shining before they addressed the crowd.

And what do you know, the words "Crystal Fair" literally made the ponies shine.

As an aside, how did they get their coats to do that? Seriously, that shouldn't be possible.

I was interrupted from my musings as I walked around the fair, by Rainbow. Not by her, per se, rather, I noticed her harassing the ponies.

I promptly ran into some trouble, surprisingly not caused by RD. Sort of caused by RD.

Alright, she was boasting to two ponies about having the Crystal Heart.

Evidently Twilight's terrible sculpture didn't cut it, and we needed an actual artifact hidden somewhere within the Empire.

Naturally, we had to walk up to the balcony again. At least my feet didn't hurt like they would if I was human, but that doesn't mean it was pleasant.

"There's a page missing in the back," Twilight said.

"How did I/you not notice?" Twilight and I said in unison.

"Well, this couldn't possibly get any worse," I said.

Cadance chose the absolute worst moment to faint, thus dropping the shield.

"God. Damn. It." was the first response I could come up with. My second response was much less eloquent, consisting mostly of screams.

In the midst of my panicking, I didn't notice that the shield had gone back up until Twilight pointed it out.

And so, we dashed through the hallways of the castle while Twilight rambled about the test again.

Evidently, I needed to keep the crystal ponies occupied.

Brilliant plan, that.

It was made even better because RD got the even more brilliant plan of making me joust against her.

Oh, I'm sure Twilight was on a soul-searching journey, involving friendship, crystals, and stairs, or some other random object, but I was a bit preoccupied with repeatedly charging at RD while we both wore Greco-Roman armor.

Armor which was extremely out of place in a medieval joust, I might add.

The next several hours consisted of nothing but bruising and immense pain.

I was on the ground with Rainbow towering over me when I finally asked if someone a bit more... physical could take over.

The answer was another one that I found the comeback to several minutes later, this time while flying backwards.

I shan't repeat the expletives uttered that day.

In the middle of my pain, the ponies started running about while evil laughter pealed like thunder over the Empire.

Even if we all died, it would be better than another joust.

We then had to run to the castle and up millions of stairs to get to the balcony again.

I hate my life.

Things didn't improve much once we got there. Cadance fainted, Twilight was nowhere in sight, and Sombra's dark cloud of a form shrouded the city.

There was only one thing to do now. If I was going to die here, I was doing it in style.

Some things in life are bad

They can really make you mad

Other things just make you swear and curse.

When you're chewing on life's gristle

Don't grumble, give a whistle

And this'll help things turn out for the best.

Always look on the bright side of life.

Always look on the light side of life.

If life seems jolly rotten

There's something you've forgotten

And that's to laugh and smile and dance and sing.

When you're feeling in the dumps

Don't be silly chumps

Just purse your lips and whistle - that's the thing.

Always look on the bright side of life.

Always look on the light side of life.

For life is quite absurd

And death's the final word

You must always face the curtain with a bow.

Forget about your sin - give the audience a grin

Enjoy it - it's your last chance anyhow.

So always look on the bright side of death.

Just before you draw your terminal breath.

Life's a piece of-

"Spikey-Wikey!" Rarity shouted.

Evidently Spike had the Heart, and was about to die a very painful death by falling several stories as Sombra jumped for the Heart, which was just out of Spike's reach.

Pinkie passed me some popcorn.

What happened next broke my brain.

Shining picked up his mostly unconscious wife and threw her at Sombra.

You heard me right, he chucked his goddamn wife at a demon unicorn several yards away in the hopes that it could help fix the problem.

What is this logic you speak of? I've never heard of it! I don't even know what you're talking about! Logic is for sane people, and I'M CLEARLY NOT ONE OF THEM.

That wasn't the worst bit. The worst thing was when it actually worked.

Sombra was defeated, the Empire was restored, sunshine and rainbows and pastel colored ponies were widespread, and they all lived happily ever after.

Except Sombra, who was brutally murdered, and myself, who began to wonder if I had died and gone to hell.

Oh yeah, and Twilight, because she failed the test, or something. Who knows.

I had been up all night by the time we got back to Canterlot. This godforsaken traipse into the tundra robbed me of the last remnants of my sense of reality.

Twilight was talking to Celestia about the test thing that she had been rambling about for the past several hours, so we had to wait outside the castle for Twilight to give us the news.

Most of them were waiting patiently, while I desperately wanted to go home to my bed and sleep the whole day.

Even better, to go to my real home in the real world, and be done with all these damn ponies.

So yeah, she passed. What a surprise. Before we could go home, though, we needed to have one last musical number.

"You were prepared"-

"That's it! I've had it with these goddamn ponies on this goddamn planet! I just want some semblance of reality!" I yelled, running away from these idiots to the train station.

I arrived at my house at around eight in the morning, plopping on the bed immediately.

"You know you have a date later to-"

"Shove it up your ass!" I cut Angel off. "And wake me up two hours beforehand."

I slept like a rock.

A Hearth's Warming (But Certainly Not Heartwarming) Date

A Hearth's Warming (But Certainly Not Heartwarming) Date

Bartholomew

I stretched as much as I possibly could, hearing the sound of joints cracking, including the strangely pleasing sound of individual vertebrae popping into place as I arched my back.

My bliss after a good day's sleep was shattered by the clock on the bedside table.

It was a mere hour before the date.

Not that I was looking forward to it, mind you, but I was legitimately scared of Bon-Bon. I had no idea about what she'd do to me, but it probably wouldn't be pleasant, and knowing how things usually went, it would involve grapes. Lots of grapes, and a small animal or two.

I shuddered from the memory before slowly sliding out of bed. I was loathe to leave that heaven, having been up for nigh on twenty-hours straight earlier, but I'd simply have to sleep late again.

I dashed into the shower as quickly as I could muster, more or less rushing through every routine in the book, until I came to hair.

"Dammit," I cursed as Fluttershy's absurdly long hair caught on the brush for the four-hundred-eighty-sixth time. What was worse was that I still had the tail to do.

"You know what, screw it, I'll go as I am," I announced to the world, ceremonially tossing the hairbrush aside.

Things, as always, didn't go as planned, the hairbrush hit the toothbrush and toothpaste, sending all of the aforementioned items into the toilet.

I astutely observed that that was very reminiscent of the last few days.

Attaching a saddlebag to myself, I waltzed out the door, confident that the universe would do everything in it's power to kill me, drive me insane, or somehow get a dog to urinate on me.

Instead it decided that it would let up for once, and contented itself with making me trip as soon as I left the house.

It was going to be one of those nights, I could already tell.

I cursed the weather. It had the indecency to snow on Christmas Eve when I forgot to wear anything warm. Again. Damn it. Damn them to hell. Damn it to the never-ending winter of Norse hell without scarves. That would teach it.

I then realized that weather was was inanimate, and was technically already in Norse hell.

I was so engrossed in a debate over how to punish an inanimate object, that I nearly missed Lyra.

"Hey!" she called to me, waving me over to a bench.

I wandered over to her, only noticing her odd manner of seating when I got closer to her.

I shrugged it off as an attempt at being more human. That train of thought led to me equating her with Data, despite the two having nothing in common.

"So, what's on the agenda?" I asked her.

"Well, the kids at the local school are putting on a play about the founding of Equestria. It would be a good experience for you to see some of our culture, and learn abou-"

"I don't think a school play will be a good representative of your society," I said bluntly.

"Well, it would be a good way to encourage the children?"

I stared at her blankly.

"You could... You know what, it's cute!" she huffed.

I raised one eyebrow and resisted the urge to say 'fascinating.'

The play was exactly what one would expect, a basic story that kids could act out and understand, while being slightly educational and having a common aesop. For me, it merely raised more questions about this nation's history, but I was forced to disregard the discrepancies present within the work as the play simply being aimed at kids.

That being said, I repeatedly badgered Lyra over the inaccuracies.

Her response was a curt, "You'll have to ask Twilight. I am a musician, not a history teacher."

I left her be, although my confidence in the Equestrian school system took a serious hit, not that I expected much.

Sadly for me, the date continued, as she insisted on dragging me to a romantic dinner.

'Romantic' being a relative term, all things considered.

The place itself was nothing special, just a restaurant offering the usual selection of sandwiches and sides, along with some Italian here and there.

I naturally ordered Alfredo, despite there not being shrimp. She got a tulip sandwich and some wine.

I forgot to mention, they ate tulips. Evidently this was a regular thing that I somehow missed out on.

I expected her to bombard me with questions about humans, and elaborations on my previous statements, but instead she seemed eager on small talk and general date-y type conversations.

I hate small talk with a passion. It honestly belongs in hell with the weather team.

Our food arrived quickly enough, and I was able to distract myself from the tediousness of our current interaction with the food.

And boy was it distracting, that stuff was good. I mean, who knew pasta could taste so rich and-

Right, herbivore now.

I absently wondered if everything would taste this delicious from now on, almost missing Lyra go to the restroom.

I wouldn't have minded had Bon-Bon not immediately taken her place.

"Are you tailing us?" I asked her.

"Yes. I wanted to make sure you didn't try something," she said.

"Do you think I'm Kirk, or something? I have no attraction to aliens, let alone ones that are disturbingly similar to other animals back home."

She narrowed her gaze.

"Look," I continued, "Why don't you just take my place? It's clear to me you have something going on, and I didn't want to get into this in the first place."

"You haven't been there when she talks about you. She stops really being in this universe and enters a realm of fantasy. She is infatuated with you!" she countered.

"Infatuated, maybe, but I doubt she's willing to follow through, and if you can't tell, I'm not exactly happy with this relationship. I know you care for her, and that you don't want to see her upset, but do you honestly think that this is good for her? I'm in the middle of a goddamn love triangle that I don't want to be in, leading someone I have absolutely no interest in on, and you have the nerve to tell me that I shouldn't just tell her I'm not interested? How stupid are you?"

"Well, I-"

"You know what, I've figured it out. I'm in a goddamn soap opera. At first I thought that I was surely in some absurd comedy, but at this point I'm mostly sure that this is a soap opera. A really poorly-written one, at that.

"And you know what? I don't care about pointless drama. I'm going to just tell her.

I continued to eat my alfredo.

Don't give me that, this stuff is good! Seriously.

Lyra returned to me eating in near silence and Bon-Bon impersonating a fish in what was once her chair.

"Uhh, what happened?" she asked me.

"Idle conversation," I replied.

I mentally fist-pumped at my reply. That was probably the greatest answer I had given to anyone.

£¥|?4

Rarity and Twilight were sitting at a table nearby Bartholomew.

"Your beverages?" said a waiter, having approached the table.

"I'll have some vodka, and I want a finest vintage sent to that table over there," Rarity said. "Tell them that it's from an anonymous romantic."

"And you, Madame?" the waiter asked Twilight.

"Just water would be fine. Eight ice cubes and exactly one half-liter of water, the volume should be measured before the ice cubes are added."

The waiter raised an eyebrow before heading to the kitchen to deliver the order.

£¥|?4

By this time Lyra had pulled over a chair and scooted her plate over. Bon-Bon managed to recover, and a three-way conversation ensued concerning music.

Which reminded me, I needed to start listening to the records I purchased.

Bon-Bon was about as happy as I was to distract herself, and even placed an order, much to the surprise of our waiter.

He also brought a bottle of wine, from an "anonymous romantic".

Turns out Bon was a jazz fan. I was honestly surprised, though to this day I cannot remember why.

At last, after Lyra had consumed the majority of the bottle of wine, I decided to tell her.

"Lyra, I'd like to have a word with you in private," I said to her.

"How about the restroom?"

"You sure no one's in there?"

She nodded.

I got up and headed for the restroom. Let's see, women's room. Right.

"So what is it you wanted to say?" she asked me.

"I'll be frank, and I'll be quick, I have absolutely no romantic interest in you, and I would greatly appreciate it if you didn't entertain illusions of the contrary. I agreed to this date because I figured nothing horrible could happen, but I will say this once and only once:

"It is a one time thing."

She ran out of the restroom remarkably quickly.

I walked out of the restroom considerably more calmly, sitting down at my table.

"What did you do?" asked Bon-Bon.

"The right thing," I said.

Bon-Bon scoffed at me in disgust before leaving, thoughtfully leaving a few bits to pay for her meal.

I ate the remainder of my own food in a dreary silence.

----****----

As I left the restaurant, a very drunk sounding Lyra called to me, "Bart, accept my love!" running at me with a vigor unheard of in drunken people.

Where the hell did she come from? Wait, why was I wondering about such inconsequential things when I should be running away?

"Warp speed, mister Sulu!" I yelled before running as fast as I reasonably could towards Fluttershy's cottage.

I found Pinkie Pie bouncing next to me as I raced through town.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"You're making too many Star Trek references in one chapter, you need a new joke!" she said.

We stopped in tandem.

"I have been making a lot of- wait, how did you- Chapter?"

"No time to explain, she's still after you."

I looked over my shoulder, and there she was, running towards me.

"Surprised she didn't hit a streetlight pole," I said to nobody in particular, before continuing my mad dash through Ponyville, sans Pinkie.

I arrived at the cottage with my sides burning, a considerable distance ahead of Lyra.

Rushing into the cottage, I locked the door, collapsing on the floor.

I trust it went well?" Henry asked.

"You have... no idea," I panted.

I slowly stood up to head to my bedroom. What I found there was more than a bit disconcerting.

It was Angel, and a female rabbit, and...

On my bed.

"GODDAMMIT ANGEL, I HAVE TO SLEEP THERE"

They shot out of the room as fast as they could, leaving me to strip the bed and put new sheets on.

"Damn rabbit needs to go with the weather team on Thursday," I said.

I pondered the events of the last several hours. The date honestly went better than I expected, other than the nearly mile-long run back with a surprisingly well-coordinated drunk Lyra chasing after me.

"Thank you, the universe," I muttered into the pillow, intent on making up lost sleep.

Christmas (Not So) Special

Christmas (Not So) Special

Bartholomew

I hate mornings. Especially Christmas mornings in an alternate universe after being chased to someone else's house to find rabbits copulating on the bed. Do you know what's worse? Lyra in the bed with you when you wake up.

"Aw hell naw!" I yelled, attempting to get out of the bed as quickly as possible. If you've been here for awhile, you know how well this worked last time.

So yeah, pile on the floor, tangled in the bedspread, only this time there was a horribly groggy and hungover Lyra.

It's times like these when I ask the question 'why me?' The universe never replies, but it's nice to know that somewhere, someone probably has it worse.

Probably.

Lyra was too busy hissing at the light and holding her head in her hooves (conveniently obscuring her view) to notice me leave the room.

"Angel, Henry, you got some 'splainin' to do," I said. "Why the hell is Lyra in my bed?"

"The magic of Hearthswarming?" Angel offered.

I kicked him across the room.

"Henry?" I asked.

"She sat outside for an hour, so I let her in," he replied curtly.

"Right then. So, who's up for a quality Christmas Breakfast?" I asked.

"What?" Henry wondered out loud.

"Family tradition. Screw Christmas dinner, there are lives to get back to, you're waking up early and meeting at one house to celebrate as a family in the best way possible:

"Pancakes."

"Good morning, merry sunshine!" I cheered to a beleaguered Lyra.

"Hangover."

"Eat something, it'll make you feel better."

"You really made breakfast?"

"Yes. Now eat quickly I have company coming over. Most likely."

"Who?"

"Pinkie and friends."

"Why, you hardly know them!"

"I hardly know you, and yet you found it fitting to sleep with me. I also distinctly remember you running after me after I... Not really dumped you, because we weren't really together."

That shut her up.

"Besides," I continued, "I didn't invite them."

"What do you mean?"

"I'm genre savvy enough to know when Pinkie is planning a surprise party. Until she manages to wake Rainbow up, feel free to eat what you can."

She sat down, taking four pancakes, pouring syrup over them, before taking a bite.

"What are these?" she asked after swallowing.

"Pancakes. Have you never had them before?" I asked.

"No, but they're similar to haycakes," she replied.

Haycakes. Figures.

"You seem relatively unperturbed, considering last night." I observed.

"Hangover. Free food."

"That feel, bro," I nodded sagely.

She greedily dug in (to the pancakes), before wandering upstairs with a cartoonishly distended belly. I absently wondered if Pinkie's clear insanity was simply fourth wall breaking.

But that would be preposterous, right?

Oh shut up.

At any rate, I did the one thing I've wanted to do since I bought those records; actually listen to them.

As it turns out, they were remarkably similar to ours, same key, same style, but not the same notes, although some passages bore striking resemblance.

Most importantly though, they had that spark of genius present in their human counterparts.

There was one downside, though. Listening to these records made me long for the music I knew, and for home.

I was interrupted from my internal monologue by the telltale sound of hooves knocking on doors.

Took long enough, the pancakes were starting to get cold.

I opened the door.

"Happy Hearth's Warming!" the Elements cheered in near-unison.

"Oh what a surprise," I said enthusiastically.

That was sarcasm by the way. Both the enthusiastically part and the words I said.

"It's not funny if you have to explain the joke!" Pinkie cheered.

"Wait, what?" I said, snapping back to reality.

"Silly billy, you don't have fingers!"

Silence reigned for several moments.

"Don't remind me," I said through my teeth.

"Okie dokie lokie!"

"Right, whose up for pancakes?"

Now it was my turn to be stared at.

"Right, those don't seem to exist here. Tell me, how are your breakfasts faring? It seems to me that they are in a dire state indeed."

They continued staring.

"It's a delicious breakfast food, try it," I said, turning and walking into the cottage.

They followed and sure enough, loved the pancakes.

It's kind of hard not to.

After breakfast, we quickly moved to the living room. The conversations taking place were mostly idle, until I mentioned that I knew the holiday as Christmas.

"What is Christmas?" asked Rarity.

"On my planet, Christmas initially celebrated the birth of Jesus, who is a historical and religious figure that I really don't want to explain right now. The holiday and some of its traditions are grounded in pagan winter celebrations, the Christians simply added in the new religious message to make converting the populace a bit easier."

She (and the others) seemed placated by that response.

"So what's Hearth's Warming, anyways?"

"It's the celebration of the unification of the three pony tribes," Twilight explained. "After decades of war, starvation, and harsh weather brought about by magic, the three tribes learned to get along. It's the first recorded appearance of the Magic of Friendship."

I resisted the urge to scoff. I knew all to well what the Power of Love could do here, having seen it utilized against Sombra first hand (and boy do I regret it). The Magic of Friendship was obviously a similar force.

The small talk continued for a while, until it came upon a rather touchy subject- last night's date.

"So, how did it go, darling?" Rarity asked me.

"I told her I wasn't interested. She flipped a bit last night, but she seems to be doing better.

"Then again, she is horribly hung over."

They simply stared at me.

"If I had a nickel for every time people do that after I make a remark, I'd have at least twelve bucks," I added thoughtfully.

"What's a nickel? And why do you have twelve stallions?" asked Applejack.

" I don't, it's obvious to everyone here that I have not twelve stallions, but twelve coconuts. That reminds me, do other races bang coconuts together to mock your hoofsteps?" I asked.

"Why would they do that?" Twilight asked.

"Never mind that, it's a lovely white Christmas outside, and I'd hate to miss it. Where I'm from, that's a twice, if you're lucky, thrice in a lifetime opportunity."

"Darling, there's something that need to be done first," Rarity said.

"What is that?" I asked.

"Hearth's Warming Gifts. Twilight, if you will do the honors."

Twilight's horn suddenly came to life, lavender arcs of energy swirling around it, culminating in a bright flash.

Various boxes and bags appeared in a pile near the center of the lounge.

"I'd hate to say it, but. I didn't get anyone anything," I said.

"Well, I would think not, although Fluttershy's gifts for us are there," Rarity said.

"Really now? That's interesting."

"I suppose I'll go first. For Pinkie, some new ice skates, you told me how you had lost one last year and had to get rentals, so I decided to work with Iron Ore to make some new ones," Rarity said, giving the box to Pinkie.

She gave the box for Fluttershy to me, saying, "Open it."

It was a scarf.

At any other time I would quip, but I was just too busy being astounded at the universe.

Twilight gave everyone a book, ranging from art history (Rarity) to an Almanac (AJ). I was given a book on gardening.

If only Fluttershy was an earth pony.

Pinkie Pie gave everyone their favorite baked good. Fluttershy got oatmeal raisin cookies, which happen to be best cookies.

No, I'm serious! You haven't lived until you've had oatmeal raisin cookies.

Applejack actually gave us stuff other than apples (except for Pinkie, who got the apple pie recipe). It was mostly hand-carved (if one can call it that) furniture, supposedly helped by Applebloom. Fluttershy got the magical gift of apple animal feed.

Rainbow Dash got everyone tickets to The Wonderbolts in two weeks.

Now, it was time to see what Fluttershy got everyone.

Rarity got a handbook on knitting. Rainbow Dash got a handmade Soarin' plushie.

Don't ask me where the g went. I still don't know.

She gave Twilight a book on animals, Applejack some beaver repellent, and lastly, she got Pinkie a set of mixing bowls.

"That was pleasant," I said, wrapping the scarf around my neck. "I'm going to frolic in the snow." I opened the door, letting in a wave of chilly air.

Pinkie was out before I could say "brr, that's cold".

Not that it was cold, I had a scarf.

It took all of five minutes before Rainbow started throwing snowballs at unsuspecting passers-by. Seeing this, I began to pack up snow into a wall. Soon it was tall enough to cover me while I crouched. Rarity quickly joined me behind the wall as Pinkie and AJ fought against Twilight and Rainbow.

"So, how's Christmas, er, Hearth's Warming been for you?" I asked her.

"Good enough. I do want to ask what you are going to do with Lyra, though."

"She'll get over it soon enough. Shame it's Christmas and all, but not much could be done about that. I hate leading people on. I usually only go on dates with random girls because people have the bright idea of me being a wingman on a double date.

"Besides, I'm not in the mood for all this gossip crap. I hope I'm not offending you by saying that you seem like the type to like it." A snowball slammed into my wall. "So I'll amend my first question, how's your family doing?"

"Sweetie is positively ecstatic about the presents she got from "Gwen."

"I want to know why an uncommon but rather normal human name has been encapsulated by quotation marks."

"Is it a normal name? Really? It's short for 'The Good Windigo'."

"Is this some sort of Santa Claus equivalent?"

"Who?"

"Mythical figure who brings good children presents on Chirstmas Eve. If you are bad he either gives you coal or ships you to Spain. Nobody can agree on which he does, but I choose Spain. It's much funnier."

"Well, minus the Spain part, whatever that is."

"Judging by the quotation marks he isn't real in this world either, correct?"

"Yes," she replied. At this point Twilight had begun levitating entire volleys of snowballs at once, whereas AJ and Pinkie had opted to take a more defensive strategy by building a roof to their fort. At this point I'm beginning to wonder if Equestria has any sort of natural laws.

"That's a shame, really. Even in this world of magic and nonsense, there's still no Santa Claus. My childhood dreams are ruined," I said, speaking the last sentence completely deadpan.

I was about to continue when I noticed a giant pack of snowballs above our position.

"Not my mane!"

"Oh crap."

And then there was white.

I popped my beleaguered head out of the pile of snow just in time to see Rarity go completely ham.

"It. Is! On!" she said.

They never saw it coming. Hundreds of snowballs rained down upon her foes in a glorious hail of cold. I opted to remake out fort, utilizing the Pinkie Pie strategy of completely disregarding physics in the process.

The battle raged for many an hour, as more and more people joined in. At twelve, a meeting was held between the now five armies, who unanimously agreed that lunch was in order.

An army of over fifty ponies marched on Sugarcube Corner. The slaughter was horrendous, many cakes losing their lives that day. The Cakes too, nearly lost their lives from the stress of feeding fifty hungry ponies simultaneously.

By the end of the meal, everyone was too stuffed to fight anymore, and we retired to our respective homes.

As I was walking back,  I noticed something, a pony fleeing around a corner.

The brief glimpse I had was of a yellow pony with a pink mane, and three butterflies as her cutie mark.

That stopped me dead in my tracks for about five seconds. And then, I gave chase.

"Hey, you there! Come back!" I shouted, rounding the corner. My doppelgänger rounded another corner, now running to avoid me.

I heard a strange noise, a grating, blaring sound echoing through the alleys.

My side was in stitches at this point, but I rounded the corner in time to see a blue object fading fast.

I slowed to a slow trot, gasping in both pain and oxygen starvation. Shaking my head, I turned back eager to get to my house and enjoy my Christmas.

Lyra was still at my house when I arrived, much to my great dismay. She sat at the table, facing away from me as I entered the kitchen and dining room combination.

She sat there, human style, a mug of coffee in her magic, taking sips sporadically,

"You know, I've got some apologizing to do," she said, taking another sip.

I trotted to a chair next to her and sat down.

"You clearly didn't want to go on that date, and I feel as if I forced you to," she continued.

"Nonsense. I went by my own will. I honestly shouldn't have accepted the offer, though. I expected that it would be a one time thing, but I saw some things that made it seem otherwise. Subtlety was never my strong suit, you see, so I figured I'd break it to you the only way I knew how,"

"I'm still sorry about-"

"No, I'm sorry that it didn't work out. I really shouldn't have lead you on like that, even if it was just one date."

The animals had the good sense to leave us there, sitting in silence. Eventually, Lyra got up.

I heard the door close behind her.

Thankfully, the rest of the evening came and went peacefully. I read, listened to some fuzzy music on the record player, and went to bed.

The strangest thing lay there, a neatly wrapped present.

I looked at the tag. It read:

Dear Bartholomew,

I hope you like this present, even if it was a bit late.

My sleigh had a few problems navigating last night, so I got to Ponyville a little late this year. Better late than never, as they say.

-The Good Windigo

I tore off the wrapping paper in a reasonable amount of time. It had been a long time since I had opened a present like this, so I was a little rusty.

Inside there lay something I'd never though I'd see here.

Inside was none other than a the three Lord of the Rings books, The Hobbit and The Silmarillion.

I took the books out. I noticed another note on the bottom of the box.

Thought you might like these. I had a bit of trouble getting them, but Santa Claus thought getting these to you was important.

He says Merry Christmas!

Day One: Hallucinations

Day One: Hallucinations

Bartholomew

What is life? A madness. What is life? An illusion, a shadow, a story. And the greatest good is little enough; for all life is a dream, and dreams themselves are only dreams.

-Pedro Calderon de la Braca

Right, well, if you are reading this, then I have not eaten some bad fish, but rather have had my world turned upside down. Or I turned someone else's world upside down. Or both. In hindsight, probably both.

Anywho, I'm rambling again. Or for the first time really. Or... Let's just say its a long story. A really long story. I mean, grab a snack and a drink, this one's a doozy. While you're at it, you might want to take a restroom break. Oh and caffeine. Lots of caffeine. I'm rambling again aren't I?

Anyway, basics first. My name is Bartholomew Roberts. Before you ask, no you can't call me Bart. Yes, I know Bartholomew is a mouthful. No, I don't care. No one calls me Bart. I'm 23 years old. I live in Houston, Texas. (It's a bit of a problem too, everyone 'round these parts, as the locals say, wants to call me Bart. I mean seriously, my names not that long, is it? But I digress. Again.)

I am a student at University of Houston, taking Psychology, specifically Behavioral Neuroscience. I know, you were expecting Psychiatry, most likely Freudian, but tough luck. Personally though, as a student, and not a proper expert, I think Freud was absolutely bonkers. I probably am too, though, so I shouldn't be one to talk. Or should I, considering... Stop it brain, you're going of track again. Where was I? Ah, yes, why I'm writing. Well the answer to that is fairly simple; I think I ate some bad fish, and am now suffering the effects that bad fish have on dreams. Or I've gone bonkers. Well, more bonkers than usual, I guess.

I am writing to you from a small town called Ponyville. Yes, I am aware of the silliness of the name. Sadly the locals are not. As for how I got here, my money's still on the fish, because the last thing I remember before winding up in Candyland here is taking a dump. Yes, I'm serious. At a fairly important occasion, at that, the occasion being my brother announcing that he's engaged. I was the only one that was shocked, though. I blame not being able to read body language, at least not consciously. No, I don't have Asperger's. Well, I've never been properly diagnosed, at least. And now back to the fancy dinner party.

After relieving myself and washing my hands, I walked out the restroom door, and into a bed. 'Twas quite comfortable too. Yes I said 'twas, get used to it. If you haven't already figured out that I'm an odd one, I pity you. Back to the matter at hand, though. Or at hoof I suppose. Yes you heard me right, "At hoof". More on that in a minute.

Anyway, I found myself in a bed. Or rather THE bed. I mean, seriously, this is probably the best bed ever made. Of all time. No buts. Well, the bed was pink and had large butterflies on it, but that was about it in the way of negatives. Actually, now that I think about it, if I can bring this mattress back with me, I will. Not wind nor rain nor snow nor hail can keep me from this mattress and it's extreme comfort. That's how good it is.

So I found myself in a bed. Well, to put it frankly, I was confused. Very confused. As cliche as it is, if you were to look up confused in a dictionary, I would be there with a goofy look on my face and my trademarked hair, with bits sticking out here and there. I swear that hair'll be the death of me, just you wait. Well, if the fish doesn't get me first. Or the rambling.

Anyway, I was in a comfortable bed, with no idea how I got there and no idea what on earth was happening. So I did the first thing that came into my head. I struggled to get out of the bed. And failed. Miserably. Well, sort of. I got out of bed, but I became hopelessly tangled in the comforter. Lovely.

It took me absolute ages to get out of that comforter. It felt like ages, at least, though it was probably around forty seconds. Judging by the clock on the bedside table, forty seconds seemed more likely. So I stood up, or rather, tried to stand up. Yeah that didn't turn out well at all. That's when I received the biggest shocker of my life.

I was no longer human. Now, I know what you're thinking, 'Bartholomew's gone and lost his mind!' if you were thinking that, you're probably right. You're such a smart person, have a cookie and all that. So yeah, not human. I did the only thing any sensible person would do in this situation. I snarked.

"Must've eaten some bad fish."

I pause for a moment, "Is that my voice?" I asked myself. Judging by the fact that my second question came out in the same ridiculously high voice as my earlier snarking, I assumed yes.

I know what you're thinking, my top priority once I find myself in a non-human body is how silly its voice is. Worst priority ever, right? Wrong. Due to the nature of my voice's high pitch, I deduced that I was female. Great.

"I really don't want to check," I muttered, slowly sliding my hoof towards  my nether regions.

"Lovely. Just lovely," I said. 'Twas as I feared, I was now female.

"So not only am I no longer human, I am also female," I said to myself.

While bringing my hoof back up, I noticed something else interesting. My forelimb (at least I think that's what you call it) was bending in ways that  forelimbs never should. Either this was normal for whatever I was now, or my new foreleg was seriously damaged. I hoped  for the former.

I couldn't just stay in an awkward heap on the floor, so I tried to stand up. It was easier than I expected, although I expected near impossibility, so that wasn't saying much. A few curses and falls later, I managed to keep myself righted for long enough to observe my surroundings. The first thing I noticed was a white rabbit staring at me intently.

"What?" I asked him. Now, talking to small animals is probably not a good sign as far as my sanity was concerned, but I did that back home all the time, so it wasn't too out of character for me. What was odd, however, was the fact that the rabbit answered back. Yes you heard me right. The rabbit answered back.

"You seem to be having a lot of trouble standing up, are you all right, Fluttershy?"

"What."

"Fluttershy?"

"Did you just talk?"

"OK, I'm getting Twilight now," he said. With that he scampered off, presumably to get "Twilight", whatever that was. Hopefully not the book or the movie, because that would be bad. Very bad.

Now for phase two of operation FOWIA; walking. What's FOWIA, you may ask. It's an acronym... Oh, you wanted to know what it stands for. It stands for Find Out Where I Am. As for the walking itself, it took ages to get down, and by ages, I mean more like ten minutes.

All I could say after getting to the bathroom and looking in the mirror was one word, one simple word;

"What."

To say that I was at a loss for words would be quite accurate.

"What," I repeated.

In the mirror was a sort of horsey creature with a rather large head relative to its body, and massive eyes compared to the rest of the head. Another thing I noticed was that my coat was bright yellow. Lastly my hair (or is it mane?) was pink. Yes pink. Not only do I change genders, but my hair is pink. Et tu Subconscious?

Overall, I hate to say it, but it was cute. D'aww cute, not attractive cute. Save the eyes. Those were my eyes staring back at me. Well, other than the fact that they were huge.

Nonetheless, there were more pressing matters to attend to then my appearance. Like finding out where I was, and why I was a.... come to think of it, I didn't know what I was anymore. Well, other than crazy.

As I turned around, I noticed something else odd. Actually, more than odd. Downright impossible, really. What did I notice? Wings.

"What," I repeated again. OK this is excessive. Not only have I become... Wait I know! Equine! That's what it's called, horse wasn't quite right. Took me awhile, there. Anywho, not only am I now an equine, I am also a female with pink hair and wings. Wings. Does that mean I'm a Pegasus? Weird.

I stretched out my wings (Its odd having six limbs. Well, more than odd, really, mostly because it felt so natural, to the point where I hadn't noticed them before.)

"Wingspan about... Eh, six feet. I'm not a physicist, but I'm pretty sure that that won't fly, not without hollow bones, at least," I said to myself.

Lovely. On top of all that, I probably can't fly. I turned to go again, and again I noticed something odd.

"I don't even..." I sighed. This was just too much. There was a picture of three butterflies on my butt. Or flank, I guess. Either way, this was getting ridiculous. Or, more so than previously, I suppose.

"That's it, I'm crazy, there's no way my subconscious would do this to me if I was sane," I said. Then again, when was I sane? Don't answer that.

I managed to get out of the door of the bathroom before anything else crazy happened. That's right, I managed to move about two meters without further insanity. I deserve a cookie. What happened? More animals. Tons more, all crowding around me, staring and quietly muttering amongst themselves.

"Hello?" I asked tentatively.

The chattering stopped immediately. I mean like, pure silence. Other than breathing, of course.

I inhaled loudly and asked "What?"

A few more seconds of awkward silence passed before a badger asked "You alright?"

I screamed. All girly too. I know, I neared the rabbit talk earlier, but I thought that I was just delusional. Well, considering the badger, I probably still was.

The animals looked at me oddly again. "Angel said that you were acting a bit oddly, I guess he was right," he said, more to himself and the other animals than me.

"I have a question," I said tentatively.

"What is it?" the badger replied.

"Do you guys always talk, or is it only on Thursdays?"

"Yep, something's wrong. Very wrong," he said before running off. The other animals followed him.

Evidently something was wrong. I wonder why.

"Enough sarcasm, I'm starving," I said, and proceeded to get lost trying to find the kitchen. I think I passed the bathroom six times. At least my sense of direction (or lack thereof) was still intact.

It took ages to find the kitchen, at least it felt like ages. The clock in the kitchen told me that I had been in this body for about twenty minutes, meaning that I had been lost for, oh, I don't know, maybe five minutes-ish? Doesn't matter.

I got to the kitchen  and came to a halt. For one, there were animal bowls everywhere, which made a little sense, considering all the animals in this place. The second thing was much more important. How was I supposed to open the pantry without hands? Before I could figure out how to accomplish such a task, I heard knocking on the door.

"Fluttershy? Are you in there?" I heard a muffled voice through the door.

I panicked for about ten seconds.

"Fluttershy?" she asked again.

"Go away I'm busy!" I yelled.

"Fluttershy, I'm coming in!"

"You'll have to call again! I'm-I'm, uh, I'm n-not dressed properly!" Nice going me, way to make it as unsuspicious as possible. Is unsuspicious a word? I doubted it, but there were more important things to do than ponder the nature of a word. Things like hiding.

I heard the door open, and I ran, or rather, tried to. I also managed to get lost again. Great.

"Fluttershy!"

Oh no, she (it sounded like a she) was gaining on me. I managed to put on some speed without murdering myself, and promptly ran into her when I turned the next corner. Of course.

"Oof!" she exclaimed. She picked herself up and loomed over me. 'Twas quite menacing, too.

"Fluttershy, is something wrong?"

In my dazed state, I could only come up with one reply,

"Who's Fluttershy?"

I immediately regretted my poor choice of words. In my defense, I was sprawled on the floor after running into another pony at high speeds. Still, no excusing my stupidity.

Said pony was slightly larger than me with a purple coat, a sort of purple-y navy-ish (both highly technical terms) mane with two stripes in it, one pink, one purple, and large purple eyes. The massive eyes were normal for this species, it seemed. Also, she had a horn sticking out of her forehead. I didn't have one of those. (Horn envy much? I still think Freud's bonkers, though.)

"You're Flutte- wait a minute..." she said.

Blast, I've been caught. Worst case scenario, I'm put in a madhouse for the rest of my life. Best case, someone figures out what happened and everything returns to normal. Well, normal for an insane behavioral neuroscientist. That is to say, only slightly less crazy than right now.

"You caught me, I'm not Fluttershy, whoever she is," I finally replied.

"Alright then, change back," she said.

"Change back?"

"Yes, change back! And tell me what you did with Fluttershy!" she yelled.

"I didn't do anything with her, I just walked out of a restroom and into someone else's body!" I said, raising my voice.

"Wait what?"

"I haven't figured it out myself," I replied.

"Wait, so you're not a changeling?"

"A what? What's a changeling?" There was a rather awkward silence after that.

After a few more seconds, she replied, "Well, I'm confused, and that's saying something, because I don't get confused very often."

"Join the club," I snarked.

"If you're not a changeling, then what are you?" she asked.

"I've been meaning to ask you that as well."

"You first."

"Very well, I am what one might call a human."

"And that is...?"

"Bipedal primate, low amounts of body hair and relatively large brains." I said, "And what of you?"

"You don't look like a bipedal primate to me."

I sighed, "Was a human, my mind has somehow wandered into this body."

Her eyes began to sparkle at that. 'Twas somewhat creepy how she looked at me, like I was a piece of fried fish. "How does that work, exactly, do you have telepathy, or.."

"It doesn't work, actually. At least, there are no recorded cases of such a phenomenon. If such a thing has happened before, then anyone it happened to would have been denounced as insane." I said.

Her ears drooped at that. "So, no telepathy?"

"'Fraid not," I said, "So, I shall ask again, what are you?"

"Unicorn Pony" she answered. So that was the name of these creatures. Ponies. It also seemed that unicorn meant the same thing in both worlds. Huh.

"I have another question, where am I?"

"You are in the nation of Equestria, more specifically the Western Plains Province, near the outskirts of a town known as Ponyville."

"I have yet another question."

"What is it?" she asked.

"Who came up with these names, anyways?"

"Different ponies for each name. Clover the-"

"That was a rhetorical question."

"Oh. Ok," she said, somewhat dejectedly. She finally spoke again, "Where are you from?"

"I was living in the city of Houston, Texas. Texas is one of the fifty states of a country called the USA."

"USA?"

"It's an acronym. It stands for United States of America."

"What kind of names are those? They're complete gibberish!"

"Touché"

She sighed at that. "So, if you're not Fluttershy, then who are you?" she finally asked.

"That is a very good question. I am Bartholomew Roberts, I am studying, or rather, was studying, behavioral neuroscience at the University of Houston. What's your name?"

"My name is Twilight Sparkle and-" I burst out laughing at that. "What is it?" she asked, looking somewhat flustered.

"That name." I barely managed to get out between bursts of laughter.

"I'll have you know that it's a highly respectable na-" I fell over and started rolling, laughing the whole time. " WILL YOU STOP IT?!?!" she exclaimed, her cheeks turning bright red.

"I'm sorry," I said, standing up, "Really sorry, it's just that that name has horrible connotations on my side of the metaphorical pond."

"What connotations, exactly?"

"You don't want to know."

"What!?!"

"You really don't want to know."

~~~Brief Transition~~~

We walked into Ponyville, talking about the similarities and differences between our worlds as we went.

"So you're saying that magic doesn't exist in your world?" she asked me.

"I'm saying that magic doesn't exist period," I replied.

"Then how do you raise the sun in the morning, or the moon at night?"

"What."

"How?"

I was struck dumb by this question. Raising the sun? How ludicrous is that! I thought for a moment, trying to figure out a way to explain basic celestial mechanics without patronizing her. Eventually, I came up with a reply.

"First of all, the sun and moon aren't raised, the earth revolves around the sun. The tilt in Earth's axis causes the seasons to change. The tilt stays in the same direction the whole ti-." No, that wasn't going to work. I thought for several seconds.

"Well?"

"Shhh, I'm thinking..... I've  got it! Say that you were looking at the solar system from this angle. The sun," I demonstrated with my left wing, curling the feathers into a ball. "Is right here, at the center. The Earth," I used my right wing, some of my feathers pointing to represent its axis, " is here, revolving around the sun. Notice how my feathers stay pointing in the same direction. Because of the tilt, some areas of the planet are getting more light than others. The areas with more light are experiencing summer, those with less light have winter.

As for the day/night cycle, the Earth is rotating on its own axis while revolving. The half facing the sun has daylight, the other half is having night."

"That's absurd! Everyone knows that the Earth is flat!"

"Do you have proof? Has anyone been to the edge of the world?"

"Yes."

"Huh." Well, this is awkward. Evidently, the world is flat. Imagine that.

It took me awhile to reply, "Even if the world is flat, the sun and moon shouldn't need raising. Who told you that nonsense?

"The princess, Celestia."

Well, at least I tried. Time for the last resort;

"It's just propaganda, the sun and moon don't need raising."

"Propaganda! As if the princesses would do such a thing!"

"Of course they would, if it keeps their parents, and by extension, them, in power, so long as nobody finds out, they're safe as rulers of a nation. After all, who would rebel against rulers who could control the very heavens?"

"While that is a good point, they really do control the sun and moon. And what do you mean by their parents, the princesses are the rulers."

"Really? The princesses are the rulers? Why is there no king?"

"I don't know, never thought it was important."

By this point, we had reached the library.

"I just thought of something, how are we talking to each other? The probability of us speaking the same language, in, based on my own observations as well well as what you've told me, what appears to be an entirely different universe, is ridiculously low. I mean, seriously, either someone needed some amusement, or I am delusional. You know what? That actually seems more likely."

"We can discuss this later, right now we need to inform the princesses of what's going on."

"That sounds all well and good, but we don't even know what's going on. Besides, I don't want the princesses near me, they might tune in to the fact that I don't approve of the current regime. Also, why have we stopped by a library? And how do you plan on opening that door? "

"You want proof of magic, well here it is," she said.

A strange lavender glow appeared around her horn, and around the handle of the door. Suddenly, the door opened.

"Spike! I'm home!" she called.

"Home? This is a public library! And how did you oped that door!?!"

"As for your first question, I live here. For the second, magic," she said, as if that explained everything.

"There's no such th- WHAT IS THAT?!?!" Ishouted as a small purple reptile walked into the room.

"That is Spike, he's my assistant."

"But what is he?" I asked, fear apparent in my voice.

"I'm a dragon. Sheesh Fluttershy, what's gotten into you? You're acting a bit weird. Come to think of it, you look slightly diffe- Flutters?"

I couldn't hear him over the sound of my now limp body hitting the floor.

~~~Later~~~

"Twilight! He's coming to!" Spike exclaimed.

"Could you keep it down?" I asked, "I've a terrible headache."

"What did I miss?" asked Twilight as she barged into the room.

"So much for that," I said. It was clear to me that they weren't going to be quiet.

I went over what happened. There was this thing, a small reptile. Actually, the same small reptile that was staring at me right now. Considering his expression, and the fact that neither I nor Twilight were dead yet, he was friendly.

"So..." Twilight said, "Let me introduce you to Spike. Spike, this is Bartholomew, Bartholomew, this is Spike,"

"Bartholomew? You look just like Fluttershy," Spike said.

"So I've noticed," I said. Does everyone really have to rub it in?

I continued, "And you are a dragon. I was pretty sure those didn't exist up until... How long have I been out?"

"About," Twilight checked the clock that was conveniently located on the wall behind her, "ninety minutes."

"I was pretty sure there were no such things as dragons until ninety minutes ago," I said, "Quite frankly, none of this should exist. Well, it probably doesn't, but I might as well go along with it."

I saw a movement out of the corner of my eye. A small white rabbit jumped onto the couch and proceeded to start pummeling me. Yes, you heard me correctly. It would have been hilarious if it didn't hurt so much.

"Stop!" I said.

"Tell me what you've done with Fluttershy!" the rabbit demanded.

"Getimoffme!" I yelled as Twilight levitated him away from me.

"Let me go you-"

"Calm down Angel, it's going to be all right," Twilight said.

"I'm not a child you fool!" Angel yelled, but his words didn't seem to have any effect on Twilight.

"You! The small white rabbit!" I said, failing to remember his name, "I don't think she can understand you," I said.

"What are you going on about?" asked Spike.

"I know she can't, you idiot, it means I can insult her endlessly, and she'll be none the wiser," the rabbit (Now I remember! Angel)  said with disdain.

"Ah, that makes much more sense," I replied.

"Are you talking to Angel?" asked Twilight.

"Of course he's talking to me you-"

"Such language! It's a wonder Fluttershy hasn't thrown you out already," I said. "Also, yes Twilight, I am talking to the rabbit."

"You can converse with animals? I always assumed they just liked Fluttershy, not that they actually talked to her," she marveled.

"I thought this was normal here! You're telling me that you lot can't talk to animals?" I was genuinely shocked at this turn of events. "You'd think that this sort of thing would be normal magical talking technicolor ponies."

"Why does that matter?" she asked confusedly.

"Nevermind, it's a cultural thing. What does matter is that this evening has gotten much stranger. Well, it's night now, I suppose, so I should probably be off, then."

"Yes, the animals are probably quite worried, I can't imagine what must be going through their heads," Twilight said.

"And take the furball with you," said Spike.

"Alright. Actually, how do I hold on to him?" I asked.

"I can walk!" Angel said indignantly.

"Nevermind that. Oh, before I'm off, you had best give me a map, I'm awful with directions."

"Ok, goodnight!" she said, giving me a map and hurrying me out the door. It seemed she didn't want me in her house. Probably because I'm insane, an alien, or, come to think of it, both.

Once I was out, I noticed that Angel was not with me. As I turned around to knock on the door, it opened and Angel flew into my face.

"OW!!!!!!!" I yelled.

The door opened again and Twilight's head stuck out with a sheepish look on her face. "Sorry!"

I turned to Angel, "So then, my fine furry friend, shall we go?"

"Yeah, I'm beat. Would you mind carrying me?" What on earth? He just said that he could walk.

"Yes, yes I would."

"Figures I'd get stuck with a-Hey! Wait up!" he yelled as he noticed that I'd started on my way.

"Come now Angel! I'm starving! I wonder, is there anything good at her house?"

It was quite chilly on the walk, then again, it was mid-December. Furthermore, having a map wasn't very useful in the dark. I know, I should have thought this through a bit better, but Angel knew the way, so I wasn't completely screwed. Still, I stumbled many times in the dark, compounded by my unfamiliarity with this new body. Speaking of which, I didn't know much about whose body I currently inhabited. Isn't that sad? After all this, I didn't know who I possessed. I decided that I'd find out.

"Angel?"

"Yeah?"

"Tell me about Fluttershy."

He stopped for a moment, briefly surprised for my topic of conversation. He continued to walk after a short while. A long time passed in silence before he talked.

"She was just about the kindest being in existence. She helped everyone she could, and never asked anything in return. She took care of all of us, all of the creatures in and around Ponyville, including the animals living in the forest.

I remember one time, she stopped a whole family of ducks because the smallest of the was lagging behind. She the personally carried him the rest of the way, and when even more fell behind, she carried them, too. When I was very sick once, she sang me to sleep every night until I recovered. She went out of her way to make me extravagant meals when I refused to eat anything but the best. She never failed to do as I asked, wanting nothing in return. In short, she was a real angel. Not like me. I pushed her around, demanded more and more from her, and she just kept giving me what I asked for." He began to tear up. " I wish I could have apologized before..."

"Don't worry, thing will be back to normal, you'll see. I don't know how, or when, but she'll be back, and you can apologize then," I said. I only wished that I could believe my own words. This world has magic right? That'll fix it. Truthfully, I still thought I was hallucinating, but if I wasn't, well... I didn't know what to do. What if I never got back to my body? What then? Would I integrate? Or would I live as I used to, studying, hoping that I could get a job after school was finished? Come to think of it, I didn't know what Fluttershy did for a living.

"So, what did she do? What was her job?"

He collected himself before answering. "She would take care of animals. To make money, she cared for pets while their owners were away, as well as running a pet adoption service. Occasionally, ponies would ask her for help with unruly animals. Sometimes ponies would bring in animals for veterinary services, despite the fact that there is a proper vet in town."

"She was that good?"

"She can understand us, remember? Of course she had an edge over the vets."

"She seems like a really good person."

"Pony," he corrected.

"Being, then."

"Yeah, she was."

There was a long pause after that. I finally spoke.

"You know, it's a tradition to sing when you're feeling down back home."

"Really?"

"No, but I think it would help."

"What do you sing, then?"

"Well, Amazing Grace is a bit cliche, besides, I'm really not a fan. How about The Ashgrove?"

"I don't know it."

"Of course not, different universe," I said. "How abut I sing it then?"

"Go ahead."

After a brief time familiarizing myself with the new vocal chords, I began;

"The ash grove how graceful, how plainly 'tis speaking

The harp through its playing has language for me.

Whenever the light through its branches is breaking,

A host of kind faces is gazing on me.

The friends from my childhood again are before me

Each step wakes a memory as freely I roam.

With soft whispers laden the leaves rustle o’er me

The ash grove, the ash grove alone is my home."

         Let me tell you, that was weird. Singing in Equestria, that is. I heard violins while I was singing. Yes, I'm serious, music played while I sung. And I didn't sing out of tune, either. That in itself was a miracle.

There was a long silence, finally broken by Angel, "We're here."

~~~Inappropriately Humorous Transition~~~

As soon as we walked in, we were bombarded with questions.

"What happened?"

"What's going on?"

"Why were you gone so late?"

And so the din continued like that for a while. Finally, Angel broke the silence.

"QUIET!!!"

Al the animals immediately stopped talking.

"That's much better," said Angel. "We'll answer your questions as soon as we've had something to eat."

The animals immediately set to preparing food. Yes, I'm serious, the animals started cooking. Freaking Snow White, or something. Anywho, we were left to talk with only two other animals while dinner was being prepared.

"So Fluttershy, why have you been acting oddly since you woke up from your nap?" a badger asked. I recognized him as the same fellow that talked to me earlier.

"Bit up front, are we?" I asked.

"Well..."

"It's OK, but I'd much rather have everyone here to answer your questions."

"Of course."

Dinner arrived shortly afterwards. 'Twas quite good actually. They served some sort of vegetable soup for me, and an elaborate salad for Angel. After dinner I moved into the living room and settled in a chair. It was weird though, it looked like a human chair. Rather, it was a human chair, but that was what was so weird. You'd think ponies would have completely different chairs from people, but they don't. More fuel to the insanity fire, I suppose.

After settling in, I began to speak;

"Hello everyone! You're probably wondering what's going on here. Before we get this underway though, I'd like to tell everyone something quite simple. I am not Fluttershy."

There were murmurings in the crowd at these words.

"What d'you mean, you aren't Fluttershy?" one brave swallow asked.

"I mean, I'm an alien in her body."

"What!?!"

"See, it's simple; I am an alien that has possessed her body," the murmurings grew louder. "Before you murder me, no, this didn't happen intentionally. My species can't take over other creatures' bodies, or rather, they couldn't. Quite frankly, I am still wondering how this happened. Last I remember, I was at a party. I hope my body hasn't died, then I'll be stuck here, unless...

"No... Oh no, nononononononononononononononononono-"

"What is it?" Angel asked. I began to recite the Lord's Prayer. "What!?"

"On earth as it is in-" Angel slapped me. "OW!!!"

"WHAT IS IT?!?!"

I took a few moments to collect myself.

"I-I think that..."

"Well?"

"Fluttershy is in... my b-body."

The animals stared at me quizzically.

Finally the badger from earlier spoke up;

"That is a bad thing, why?"

"If there's one thing I learned today, it's that our worlds are very different."

"How different?"

I began to explain celestial mechanics again. Most of the animals wandered off after a few minutes, only a few listening to my lecture. I say lecture, really I just rambled for ages. I was just about to get around to explaining the causes of World War One (or rather, what I can remember, it's quite complicated) when the grandfather clock struck twelve.

"Oh my, look at the time. Well, I need some sleep, I've got a big day ahead. Or not. Tell me, what do I need to do in the mornings anyway?"

Angel, who had long since fallen asleep, began to stir. I looked to the remaining animals for guidance. There was an owl, and the aforementioned badger. I figured the owl would be the brightest of the bunch. I dunno, maybe I'm a racist, or something. Nonetheless, I needed to know before I started worrying excessively.

"Do you know?"

"Who?" the owl responded.

"You."

"Who?"

"You." I was beginning to get the feeling that this fellow didn't like me much. Maybe possessing Fluttershy had something to do with it.

"Who?"

The badger began to chuckle.

"What's so funny?"

He laughed harder.

"What?"

"Who?"

"Shut up."

He was rolling on the floor at this point.

"What's so funny!?"

Wiping a tear from his eye, he answered;

"That's all he says."

It took a moment before I realized what he meant. I began to laugh. He laughed with me.

"I get it now," I said, turning to the owl. "Well done."

"Who?" he asked.

"No, Who's on first," I replied.

"What?" the badger asked.

"What's on second."

"I don't know, why are you asking me?"

"No, I Don't Know is on third."

"Who is on third?"

"Who is on first."

"Wha-" It dawned on him. I cracked a smile. Soon, we began laughing uproariously again.

"What are you doing?" asked Angel, having been awoken from his slumber.

"Who?" asked the owl.

"That's it, Imma go to bed now," said Angel.

"Is he always like that?" I asked the badger.

"Pretty much."

"Figures. I think we've met before?"

"Not properly, as I've yet to introduce myself. My name's Fred."

"Bartholomew. So do I have anything in the morning?"

"I'll tell you then."

"Fair enough, I could use some sleep anyways."

"Yeah, me too, goodnight."

"Goodnight," I said as he began to crawl off. "Actually, could you take me to my bed? I don't know the house well."

"Of course." With that, he showed me to my room. Once in bed, I fell into a fitful sleep.

Immediate Aftermath

Immediate Aftermath

Bartholomew

"No. No. NoNoNoNo, NO!!!"

"Yes," answered Luna.

"You mean to tell me that I am inhabiting one of the most powerful beings in existence?"

"Yes."

I sat there stunned. How could this possibly get any worse? If anything happened, the Elements would be out of commission, and it would be my fault.

"I've a question," I said.

"What is it?" asked Celestia.

"Why haven't I been executed?"

"Because if what you say is true, then you are innocent."

"I could be lying."

"But you aren't."

"How do you know that?"

"I do."

There was a tense silence for a few seconds.

"I've another question."

"What is it?"

"Are you two divine?"

Seconds ticked into minutes before she answered.

"You already know."

I stared into her eyes again. I shuddered.

"There is your answer," she said.

"Vala, then?"

"Ohh, that's a good one! I've never thought about it that way before!" Pinkie shouted.

Everyone stared at her.

"Well it is."

"What was that...?" I asked.

"That's just Pinkie bein' Pinkie," said an orange mare next to her. She had a bit of an accent, too. Reminded me of my grandfather. He was a bit of a hick.

I turned back to the princesses, "Well, I've... Things to get back to. The animals are probably quite worried at my absence"

I turned to go.

"Wait!" shouted Luna.

"What?" I asked, turning back to face her.

"What is thy name?"

"Bartholomew."

I turned to go again.

"Wait!" shouted Pinkie.

"What now? I was trying to make a dramatic exit!" I exclaimed, highly annoyed.

"Do you like chocolate or vanilla cupcakes?"

"Chocolate."

"What is your favorite color?"

"Blue, dark, but not navy."

"What is the airspeed velo-?"

I started laughing.

"What is it?" asked Celestia.

"Nothing, nothing at all."

I turned to leave again.

"Wait, Bartholomew. Were you a pony in your previous life?" Celestia asked me.

"No."

"What were you?"

"Human."

"IN YOUR FACE, BON-BON!!!" came a shout from the crowd.

"What was that?" I asked.

"Probably Lyra," Twilight answered, "She has an obsession with aliens."

"Does she now? I'll have to speak to her later. In the meantime, I've animals to attend to. Good day, Ponyville."

With that, I went back to the cottage.

Immediate Aftermath, Part the Second

Immediate Aftermath, Part the second

Bartholomew

I had originally planned on getting a few books from the library, or perhaps buying a record player, but the 'incident' with Lyra left me unwilling to go out.

Now, Fluttershy was a vet as far as I was concerned, which meant that I would either need to find a new job, or read up on veterinary medicine. Honestly, after that business at the trial, I probably wasn't going to get many customers. On the other hand, I probably wasn't going to get hired by anyone either.

Reading up on medicine it is, then.

And so I read until about 11:00, at which point I more or less gave up, and figured that I'd use the book as a diagnosis tool when the time came, because there was no way I'd remember all that. I've always hated medicine, and as much as my family wanted me to be a physician, I just flat out hate medicine. That's all there is to it.

So I went into neuroscience, because I was not going to be a psychiatrist. It's like all the worst aspects of psychology rolled into one convenient package, that is to say medicine. I want to learn why people do what they do, not diagnose people and prescribe pills!

Calm down, Bartholomew, or you'll need to see a psychiatrist, yourself.

Anyways, at eleven I had what soup was left over from the previous night.

Over my soup I had a long conversation with myself. Needless to say, some of the animals stared.

During this conversation, I decided to go out and buy a record player. What did... shesay? Vinyl's Vinyls. Seems respectable enough. I asked where Fluttershy kept her money, and the animals were more than happy to oblige. They also showed me how to properly wear a saddlebag.

Let me tell you, those things are weird. They put weight in just the wrong spot on your back. That was probably because I was a Pegasus, I had to scooch it back a bit to avoid crushing my wings.

And so I trotted out of the door, blissfully unaware of the horror that awaited me.

As I walked through Ponyville I got a few stares, but people mostly payed no attention to me. Good, I didn't feel like having another chat with some of the locals. The last one was more than enough for one day.

But then again, I've never won the lottery either. Admittedly, that was probably because I never actually played the lottery, but the analogy still holds. Perhaps I should start buying tickets...

My musings were interrupted by a loud shout from behind me;

"CUTIE MARK CRUSADERS, MARES IN BLACK, YAY!"

Intermission

Intermission

Bartholomew

I quickly got lost within the maze-like corridors of the castle. It was several minutes before I stumbled into the blinding sunlight outside. I observed that I was in a garden, complete with various stone statues.

The statues were masterful pieces of work, each one was carved so intricately and so flawlessly. I marveled at them as I wandered through the garden, right up until I saw perhaps the worst sight in my brief time here.

It was a statue of Discord. A perfect statue. Too perfect.

I recalled Lyra's words about sealing him in stone. But that meant the other statues...

My mind was interrupted from its horrifying train of thought by the sound of hooves on grass slowly approaching me.

I spun around to greet the approaching pony. Before me stood the majestic Princess Celestia. The urge to bow hit me like a hammer.

"Hello, Bartholomew," she said with her trademark grace.

"Princess," I said.

"Why are you out here?" she asked me.

"I don't want to talk about it," I said, averting her gaze, partly from guilt, partly from the whole soul-gazing thing.

"Problems cannot be solved if you don't ask for help."

"So I've heard. Although, I prefer to think that problems can't be solved without work rather than cooperation."

"Bartholomew," she said, almost sighing.

It was then that I realized what she was doing. She was acting like a mix of psychiatrist and mother. She wanted to know my problems and she wanted to solve them.

No wonder she stayed in power this long.

Every time there was a problem she'd solve it to the best of her ability. She was good at fixing things, at making things right. She has kept the throne because she solves the problems of her subjects.

It's amazing what a crazy psychologist can do sometimes.

I refrained from answering for about seven seconds.

"Alright, it was me," I said.

"What was you?" she asked quizzically.

"I caused Luna to have a bit of a breakdown."

"Wha- Oh... Oh."

"Yeah."

"She and Fluttershy..?"

"Yeah."

She was utterly stunned.

"You expected this, didn't you?"

That broke her from her thoughts.

"I had my suspicions, but..." she paused. "Oh, Luna," she said sorrowfully.

She began to take off.

"Wait!" I called.

"What is it?" she asked turning back to me.

"Why did you call us to Canterlot?"

"Twilight will tell you."

She turned to go again.

"Where is Twilight?"

"Two rights, a left, and keep going."

With that, she took off.