Macintosh and Carmel Get Stoned
Inside of the barn of sweet apple acres, Macintosh awoke from beside of his light blue mare to the sound of a hoof knocking on the barn door. ‘God I hope Granny didn’t just find out what I did out here yesterday,’ he thought to himself as he answered his door. Mac breathed a sigh of relief when he saw who it was.
“I need to stabilize a magic brew,” Zecora explained, “some cannabis will surely do!”
“Ok Z I got just what you need,” Macintosh let the zebra in for a moment while he walked in the back to take care of her order. The back room of the barn had been used for years by Mac as an herb growing facility; nearly four dozen massive plants all but filled the room with their growth and twenty- six seedlings were beginning to germinate as well. On the drying rack almost a pound of fresh weed had completed the process and was ready for consumption. Mac carefully selected his best buds for Zecora’s twenty sack and left the room, locking the door behind him.
“Here ya go,” Macintosh tossed the bag to the enchantress who in turn tossed him twenty bits for the sale.
“Are you sure that this will work, my last three patients nearly went berserk,” Zecora explained.
“EEYUP!,” Mac grinned, “but even if your experiment fails this shit will make you forget what you were doing in the first place.”
Zecora thanked the neighborhood weed pony for his time and left. Macintosh was pleased that he was now twenty bits more wealthy and could go right back to sleep. But as soon as he was about to literally hit the hay, another knock was heard at the door. “Who the buck is this?” Mac asked as he flung open the top part of the door.
“HEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEY MACKEY!” Pinkie Pie screamed as she bounced in the door and began to mess up the barn.
“What the hay do you want Pinkie?” Mac was less than pleased with his uninvited house guest.
Pinkie Pie landed her last bounce directly in front of the big red stallion. “Could you please, please, please let me hold a half ounce until Tuesday?”
“Now Pinkie you and I both know that I only do that for medical emergencies,” Mac explained.
Pinkie bashed her own head on the ground with brute force, causing a major contusion on her forehead. “How about now?” the woozy Pinkie Pie asked as blood gushed out of her face.
“I’ll give you a dime bag if you leave me alone,” Mac responded as he tossed a couple of nice looking nuggets Pinkie’s way.
“DEAL!” Pinkie screamed as she picked up the herb and stumbled away, dripping blood on the floor as she went.
“Finally,” Macintosh walked back to his hay and laid down, only to hear another knock at the door. “Faust damn it!” he grumbled as he got back up to answer.
“Hi Big Macintosh,” Twilight pronounced his full name every time they met, “I kinda had an accident yesterday and I was wondering if I could see what you had for pain. My head has been throbbing.” Mac looked at her and noticed that her horn was only about half of its usual size and bandaged on top.
“Come on in,” Macintosh sighed as he opened the barn door. The violet unicorn slowly made her way inside with her dragon companion in toe. “So what happened to you exactly?” Mac asked.
“Yesterday I tried a super conductor spell to give my tree library enough power for a Millennium,” Twilight explained, “and instead the whole thing blew up when Pinkie Pie came in screaming that she needed fifty bits. I lost half my horn and it will take a full painful month for it to grow back.”
“Well, I think I have just the thing for that.” Macintosh went to the back room and came back with a zip lock bag full of dark green herb with crimson hairs, “this hydroponic indica blend is one of my favorites. The cannabinoids from this particular herb are proven to dull pain receptors. It has treated AJ’s chronic migraines and Granny Smith’s arthritis quite well.”
“What about Apple Bloom’s ADD?” Spike the dragon asked, quickly receiving a hoof to the face from twilight for doing so.
“I actually have some really good sativas for that,” Macintosh smiled at the stupid question.
“Geez Big Macintosh, you sure are knowledgeable,” Twilight was impressed, “do you have a herbal medicine degree or something?”
“Nnnope,” Mac explained, “this is just something I picked up.”
“You should really consider going to college,” Twilight continued, “I mean with knowledge like that the world is yours.”
“I appreciate it Twi, but it’s still going to be fifteen hundred bits,” Macintosh grinned, “unless you can do me a favor.”
“What’s that?” Twilight wondered.
“If you saved that half of your horn you lost, I’ll knock two fifty off the price of that pound,” Mac explained.
“Well ok I guess,” Twilight explained as Spike reached into her saddle bag and pulled out a jar filled with powdered horn, “I was going to use if for an experiment but to be honest I don’t want to do any more experiments for a while.” Twilight rubbed the base of her horn in pain to emphasize her point.
“Eeyup!” Macintosh agreed, “probably not a bad idea.”
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On the other side of Ponyville, a brown earth stallion named Carmel had to listen to his self-righteous mother complain about the direction of his life while he cleaned her house. What made it worse was the fact that his mother had invited friends over and was basically just showing off at this point. “That’s right Carmel, yous a lazy ass, pot smoking ass, motha fucka!” she continued as her friends just mmmhmmed in agreement.
“Ok moms,” Carmel rolled his eyes as he continued to dust.
“And another thing!” his mother griped, “when the fuck is you gon get a real job?” Carmel didn’t say a word. “Colt don’t you ignore me!” moms continued to show off, “if you don’t accomplish something and get the hell out my house soon Imma just kick you out of here!”
“Ok,” Carmel groaned.
“Now don’t you get smart with me colt!” moms screamed, “if you look on the wall of my little ponies’ achievements you see yo brother’s prison issue barber certificate, yo sister’s mane master degree, and fo you there aint shit!”
“But I went to college,” Carmel protested.
“You spent five years sellin weed to fillies and colts at community college, you aint get a degree, you aint even take any classes!” moms was furious, “and don’t you dare say you aint smokin ganja either! I found this water pipe in yo room yesterday!”
“Yo moms, that’s a lantern,” Carmel smugly explained, “you stick the candle in this top part and the shit glows.”
“DON’T YOU DARE CUSS IN MY FAUST DAMNED HOUSE MOTHA FUCKA!” moms screamed as she smacked around her son with her front hoof.
“Moms!” Carmel shouted back, “quit tryin ta fuck me up in front of your friends!”
“WHAT THE FUCK I JUST SAY ABOUT CUSSIN!” moms continued to administrate the beating.
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Macintosh put the horn powder inside of some potting soil and mixed it up well before planting a good sativa seed. He put the pot in his back room, and came back up front to roll a joint and open a window, waking his date in the process. “Who dares disturb the Great and Powerful Trixie from her beauty sleep?” she shouted as she rolled out of the hay.
“It’s three o’clock, you aint got a show or some shit to do today?” Macintosh turned from his work bench to express his loathing for the mare.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie demands a Kush blunt before I leave!” Trixie stood up and put on her outfit with magic, “the Great and Powerful Trixie cannot perform at birthday parties and bar mitzvahs unless she is thoroughly stoned!”
“The Great and Powerful Trixie can wait a moment,” Macintosh explained as he showed Trixie the joint.
“The Great and Powerful Trixie can wait,” Trixie agreed as she sat back down and waited.
Macintosh finished rolling and sparked his joint, passing it to Trixie. “So I have a question for you,” Macintosh exhaled his smoke, “I mixed a ground unicorn horn in with potting soil, will that have any effect on the plant?”
“Yeah, your plant is gonna grow big as fuck,” Trixie explained as she too exhaled smoke, “thus says the second most powerful unicorn in Equestria!”
“You are way too into self-aggrandizement for my taste,” Mac sighed as he snatched the joint out of Trixie’s mouth, “I hope you understand that this is a one night stand.”
“I hope that you understand that if you ever fuck with the Great and Powerful Trixie’s heart I will change your testicles into candy and eat them,” Trixie threatened.
Macintosh just sighed. ‘Maybe Twilight was right about me going back to college,’ Macintosh thought, ‘if nothing else I can meet a real mare instead of continuously fucking with these Ponyville hos.’
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The day of the College Admittance test at the Testing for Higher Credentials center in Ponyville came around a few months later. Macintosh never really got over his testing anxiety from Cheerilee’s classroom, but like many of life’s problems he knew he could solve it with herb. Macintosh left his house early to check on his plants, finding a surprise waiting for him when he got in the back room of his barn. “Twilie,” Macintosh examined the eight foot high sativa plant, “my how you’ve grown.” The plant with unicorn horn mixed in the potting soil had grown larger than any other sativas in Macintosh’s grow room. His early girl and lemon og had matured at the same time as the Twilie, but none had produced nearly as many buds or smelled nearly as nice.
Macintosh plucked two of the large lime green buds with lavender hairs and quickly put them in his bag, realizing that he only had a mere twenty minutes to walk two miles into Ponyville. The stallion scrambled to leave in time for the THC test, completely forgetting his Dutch Masters on the work bench.
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In the parking lot of the THC testing center, Carmel arrived some ten minutes early with a cart in toe. He unhitched himself and climbed into the back of the rickety old cart. “Aint this a bitch,” he exclaimed when he saw the brown ass weed in his weed bag. He grabbed a pack of top papers from the back of his cart and gingerly sprinkled some herb in it. A strong gust of wind blew the paper out of his mouth as he was rolling, only serving to anger him further. “FUCK FUCK FUCK!” Carmel threw a fit, “my weed! My faust damn weed man!”
At the same time Carmel was freaking out, Macintosh arrived on the scene with his fresh, sticky buds in toe. Mac was so happy about how potent the herb smelled, that he didn’t even realize that his dutchies were still sitting on the work bench in the barn of Sweet Apple Acres. Macintosh pulled out a bud, when it hit him. “No cigars?” he questioned, “aint this about a bitch.”
At this moment, a lifelong friendship was born when Mac and Carmel realized that they shared a common interest. “Got weed?” Carmel looked over from the side of his cart.
“Got blunts?” Macintosh answered the question with another question.
“Fuck yeah stallion,” Carmel pulled out a Grenadier and motioned for Mac to get into his cart, “I’m Jamal… I mean Carmel.”
“One love, Macintosh,” the ponies dapped for an introduction, “you feel like smokin some magic herb my pony?”
“Tartarus to the yeah,” Carmel replied, “my motto always been study high, take the test high, get high scores.”
“Fa sho,” Macintosh agreed as he quickly rolled a massively fat blunt. The two ponies laid in the hay in back of the cart and smoked, creating a big sticky cloud that ponies near them avoided.
“Hey, I think the straw in the back of that cart is on fire,” a naive unicorn claimed as she walked by.
The two earth ponies smoked on, ignoring the unwanted attention their cloud was receiving, when about halfway through the blunt an apparition appeared in the back of the cart. “This magic weed is the shit,” Jamal Carmel claimed as he unwittingly passed the joint to the old bearded unicorn in the back. Starswirl tried to pick up the blunt but watched as it fell through his translucent hoof.
“Hey what did you do with that blunt?” Macintosh asked.
“I handed it to the pony in back,” Carmel claimed, “is that your boy back there or what?”
“Shit I aint come with anypony,” Macintosh chuckled, “I think that’s Starswirl the Bearded in yo back seat.”
“That pony been dead for almost a thousand years,” Carmel chuckled.
“Yes I have, and it’s been boring,” Starswirl explained. Macintosh jumped out of the cart and ran. “Mac come back, I have some exciting news for you,” Starswirl called out to the earth pony, “do you want to get into college or not?”
“Hold the buck up,” Carmel was confused, “you came back from the dead just to help us with a test?”
Macintosh slowly came back to the cart as Starswirl just laid back and explained. “No, this is entirely involuntary,” Starswirl continued, “but in smoking a unicorn’s horn you have just unlocked the knowledge of all of their ancestors. It’s a pretty big deal.”
“So how are you going to help us pass this test?” Macintosh asked as he slowly approached the cart.
“Well, I’m the one who wrote this test back in the day,” Starswirl chuckled, “I wrote all six different copies still in use today.”
“No shit?” Carmel grinned.
“I shit you not,” Starswirl grinned, “now let’s go get you two earthens into college.”