Simon is trapped in a crummy fanfiction : The original Last

In this chapter, Simon has his first one-to-one meeting with Pinkie Pie, and he learns that she is one special pony, as do all who live in the wonderful Universe in which this crummy fanfiction is set.

Mad, mad, mad, mad, mad. That was the sum of Simon’s emotions. He was mad. He was having a bad day. It was that particular kind of bad day that forced him to walk for miles somewhere, with nothing to do but to reflect on how bad the day was. Simon was walking beside a narrow, peaceful-looking river, as he had been for several hours. Simon had spent so much time reflecting that he could replay the whole day in his head, and he could pinpoint precisely why his day had gone so bad. Each time he replayed the events in his mind, he focused all his willpower on getting his past self to avoid the one small detail that would ultimately ruin his day. But Simon could not change the past, and that made him furious. He counted five things that had made his day as bad as it was:

1. He had chosen to wear his green baseball cap that morning

2. He had decided to loosen the strap of his baseball cap by one notch

3. i. He had chosen to take his morning constitutional in the Everfree Forest, ii. specifically anywhere near the river he was now walking alongside

4. He looked up to spot a Mourning Dove he thought he’d heard

5. He walked for three miles in the wrong direction

During his walk in the forest (3.i), he heard what he thought was a Mourning Dove. Curious, he looked up to try and spot it (4). The bill of his green baseball cap struck a low-hanging branch, knocking it off (2). The hat rolled into the river right next to him (3.ii). Because this was his green baseball cap and not just any baseball cap, Simon waded into the river to retrieve it (1). The river caught him by surprise by being deeper than Simon was tall, having an undertow, being lined with jagged rocks that could not be used to climb out, and generally being everything that a shallow forest brook was not, which is what it had appeared to be. At least Simon got his hat back.

For almost an hour Simon swam with the river. Twice, fatigue nearly let the water drag him down. If it hadn’t been for a fallen tree spanning the river, Simon knew that he would have drowned.

Simon did not know how long he lay on the ground. When he woke up, the sun had definitely moved. He started to walk back. He followed the river, of course, but did not go near it, of course. His clothes were nearly dry when he noticed he was not on the same side of the river he had entered. Simon carefully approached the river, and saw that he’d been walking downstream (5). Simon nearly cried at this point.

So Simon went over these points again and again, as he listened to his boots making an awful, squishy noise. Whenever he saw himself reaching for his green baseball cap, Simon’s hand opened up to let it drop on the floor. When he saw himself loosening his hat, Simon’s arm moved to tighten it up all the way. When he saw himself wander in the direction of the river, Simon quickened his pace and drifted farther away from it. When he saw himself crane his neck to spot the Mourning Dove, Simon buried his chin in his chest. And when he saw himself looking into the river and seeing which way the water was flowing, Simon stopped, stood perfectly still for a full minute or longer, and jumped up and down, growling and swearing.

He’d been walking for three hours now, and still wasn’t close to where he’d fallen in. At this rate, he would lose his entire day. He had been looking forward to spending the day listening to Twilight Sparkle continue her lesson on Equestrian history. He had looked forward to continuing to explore this little town he’d found himself in. But now the day was gone. The day was gone and there was no one to badger or bribe to get it back. He simply had one fewer day to do with as he pleased. This made Simon mad.

He was also deeply disturbed by his near-drowning.  If he had died in that river, he would have been carried miles away from Ponyville, the only place on the whole planet where he was known. His fate would be lost to all who knew him, and meaningless to whomever found him. What’s more, it would mark the end of his journey into the cosmos. His fate would be completely unknown to the humans who sent him here. He would have vanished without a trace, swallowed  whole by the big black Universe he’d been sent into. Humans weren’t coming to this planet anytime soon. The hole in the ground left by his ship would eventually be filled, and all traces of Simon’s presence here would disappear. Nobody anywhere would know where he went, and because he left no legacy, it would have been as if he hadn’t existed.

Simon tried not to think about this. He focused on the five little things instead. Five stupid, trivial, things that could have been avoided at any bloody time…

Simon was thirsty, hungry and tired.

The river had fresh water, but Simon wasn’t going near it. As for food and rest, there wasn’t much he could do about it until he got back into town. Such a long way. Nothing he could do about it. He was powerless. Because he’d chosen his green baseball cap. Simon’s muscles began to tense up. Because he’d loosened it. Because he…

“Hi, Simon!”

Simon turned his anger towards the unexpected voice; “WHAT?” he hollered, spinning in the direction he had heard it. To his surprise there was nothing there. Although it wasn’t that surprising, since there wasn’t supposed to be anyone there anyway. But he’d heard a voice. That was surprising. He thought about this.

“I’m over here now”

Simon turned all the way around and saw a bright pink pony with light blue eyes. This was the one called Pinkie Pie. Simon jumped.

“What are you doing so far from Ponyville, Simon? It’s more than an hour away!” The pony asked brightly.

“I fell into the river.”

The pink pony laughed.

“Sorry, Simon. I can’t understand you. Twilight’s spell only works one way, remember?”

Simon remembered. He just felt like talking. Simon had one big question he wanted to ask Pinkie Pie: What are you doing an hour away from Ponyville?

“I fell into the river”, Pinkie Pie echoed back to him, laughing at what was total nonsense to her.

Simon tried to spit, but his mouth was completely dry.

“Simon, you look thirsty. You know there’s water right over there, right?”.

Simon shook his head.

“What’s the matter? Afraid you’ll fall in?” The pony laughed.

Simon fell to his knees and buried his face in his hands.

“Gee, Simon, I didn’t mean to upset you…”

A moment of silence passed.

“Hey! I know what’ll cheer you up!”

He looked up at the pony.

“What’s this behind your ear, Simon?”

Pinkie Pie’s head stretched behind Simon’s ear. Her thick mane enveloped half of his face.

Does she think I’m a child? Is she going to pull out a coin, or a cloth, or a…

The air around Simon seemed to explode. He instinctively covered his head with his hands and buried his face in the ground, bravely.

He heard, “Look, Simon! Look look look look look!”

He looked.

The air was filled with confetti. Balloons, noise-makers and party hats littered the ground. Simon’s own green baseball cap had been replaced by one of these paper hats. Through the thick confetti he saw Pinkie Pie, her smile broad as ever.

“There was a party behind your ear!”

Simon blinked. He looked around one more time at the party that had allegedly been behind his ear. His anger had completely given way to amazement.

"It's been building up inside you all day. I just let it out."

He involuntarily cursed in astonishment.

Pinkie Pie could not contain herself any longer; she laughed uncontrollably. It was infectious. Soon, Simon could no longer hold himself up.  Their laughter grew, filling the silent forest, to a crescendo. After the moment had finally passed, Simon didn’t think he had the strength to get back up and walk back to town.

Pinkie Pie giggled, “Simon, do you need a ride back into Ponyville?”

Simon looked up. Before him were Pinkie’s two huge eyes and smiling mouth in an expression of pure innocence and sincerity. Did she know that humans rode ponies on Earth?

Simon slowly nodded. He didn’t think he’d ever get another chance to do this.

“Okay, then. Hop on.” Pinkie stooped down to her shoulders. Simon slowly stood up, not altogether certain that this was happening. He couldn’t believe that an intelligent creature was allowing him to ride her. He’d heard of animal altruism, but never thought he would be subject to it.

His green baseball cap was on his head again.

Simon stood astride Pinkie Pie, and the pink pony rose up, so that Simon was now properly positioned to ride as comfortably as he could without a saddle. She didn’t seem to strain at all under his weight.

Pinkie Pie looked up at Simon.

“Ready?” She asked.

“Ready”, Simon echoed back.

“Then here...we…GO”

With a sproing, Pinkie Pie skipped into the air. Simon flew off almost immediately, his head landing perfectly on a tree stump.

“Oops. Sorry.”

***

Twilight Sparkle read the book aloud, something she rarely did on her own. She sounded out every vowel, consonant, and punctuation mark, according to how Simon told her they were pronounced. Together, they’d managed to communicate enough information for Twilight to understand a few words. Mostly “Desk” and “Book” and other nouns whose meaning can be associated with an object that is within reach inside a library. Twilight knew that understanding the book was a total lost cause until she got Simon speaking Equestrian, but she could not wrench herself from it. This book was a particularly interesting specimen. Although it appeared to be written in Simon’s native language, the title consisted of two words Twilight couldn’t find anywhere else among Simon’s books. Twilight had to ask Simon if Mein and Kampf were special words.

Speaking of which, Twilight began to worry about Simon. He always left in the morning to go for a walk, but he always came back in less than an hour. It was now mid-afternoon, and nopony had seen him anywhere. Spike was coming back from Fluttershy’s house pretty soon, and if he didn’t have any word from her that she’d seen him, Twilight decided she’d have to go looking for him.

Twilight put the book aside and looked at Simon’s “Thesaurus” for a while. She got to the end of “A” when she heard Pinkie Pie’s cheerful humming outside. Something wasn’t right, though. Her humming sounded upbeat, but she was not skipping as she normally did. In fact her hooves were making only the slightest noise.

Twilight opened the front door to investigate. She saw Pinkie Pie, walking slowly, gently towards the library. On her back Simon lay limp, his face buried deep in Pinkie Pie’s mane. Pinkie walked gingerly to keep him balanced.

“Twilight, I think I broke our new friend….”