Simon is trapped in a crummy fanfiction : The original Last

by Alan Smithee

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Human
Length: 4216

Simon's spacecraft has crashed, leaving him stranded in the best possible place

A human in Equestria fiction, inspired by The Planet of the Apes.

Twilight Sparkle has taken in Simon, a traveler from beyond the stars. Her magic can let him understand the ponies, but not the other way around. Knowing that Simon is very much alone, she tries to help him make friends in Ponyville. Results may vary.

My very first fanfiction. I wish to achieve the following goals with this story:

Create a human OC who is flawed, but not tragically so
Write believable Season 1-style dialogue between established characters
Contrast human culture with what we have seen of Equestrian culture
Write a story with a central theme of communication and understanding
Create something that isn't boring
Create something that's funny

Sources of inspiration:
The Planet of the Apes (1968)
Rorchach in Equestria by Ex-Nihilos.
The works of Douglas Adams
My head for not letting me sleep until I wrote this crap down
My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic

I know HiE isn't the most humble form of fanfiction, and I'll admit Simon has a lot of me in him. I've muted him in this story partially so that his dialogue doesn't flood over the other characters. More than anything I want to capture the characters we know and love, acting as we know and love them to act.

EDIT: My first story suffers from many major and minor issues (big surprise). I think a major overhaul might be able to save it (not to ever become a great story, but at least making it readable). Efforts will begin shortly to improve this story.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-18 04:15:53 UTC

Chapter Five: Pinkie Pie

In this chapter, Simon has his first one-to-one meeting with Pinkie Pie, and he learns that she is one special pony, as do all who live in the wonderful Universe in which this crummy fanfiction is set.

Mad, mad, mad, mad, mad. That was the sum of Simon’s emotions. He was mad. He was having a bad day. It was that particular kind of bad day that forced him to walk for miles somewhere, with nothing to do but to reflect on how bad the day was. Simon was walking beside a narrow, peaceful-looking river, as he had been for several hours. Simon had spent so much time reflecting that he could replay the whole day in his head, and he could pinpoint precisely why his day had gone so bad. Each time he replayed the events in his mind, he focused all his willpower on getting his past self to avoid the one small detail that would ultimately ruin his day. But Simon could not change the past, and that made him furious. He counted five things that had made his day as bad as it was:

He had chosen to wear his green baseball cap that morning

He had decided to loosen the strap of his baseball cap by one notch

i. He had chosen to take his morning constitutional in the Everfree Forest, ii. specifically anywhere near the river he was now walking alongside

He looked up to spot a Mourning Dove he thought he’d heard

He walked for three miles in the wrong direction

During his walk in the forest (3.i), he heard what he thought was a Mourning Dove. Curious, he looked up to try and spot it (4). The bill of his green baseball cap struck a low-hanging branch, knocking it off (2). The hat rolled into the river right next to him (3.ii). Because this was his green baseball cap and not just any baseball cap, Simon waded into the river to retrieve it (1). The river caught him by surprise by being deeper than Simon was tall, having an undertow, being lined with jagged rocks that could not be used to climb out, and generally being everything that a shallow forest brook was not, which is what it had appeared to be. At least Simon got his hat back.

For almost an hour Simon swam with the river. Twice, fatigue nearly let the water drag him down. If it hadn’t been for a fallen tree spanning the river, Simon knew that he would have drowned.

Simon did not know how long he lay on the ground. When he woke up, the sun had definitely moved. He started to walk back. He followed the river, of course, but did not go near it, of course. His clothes were nearly dry when he noticed he was not on the same side of the river he had entered. Simon carefully approached the river, and saw that he’d been walking downstream (5). Simon nearly cried at this point.

So Simon went over these points again and again, as he listened to his boots making an awful, squishy noise. Whenever he saw himself reaching for his green baseball cap, Simon’s hand opened up to let it drop on the floor. When he saw himself loosening his hat, Simon’s arm moved to tighten it up all the way. When he saw himself wander in the direction of the river, Simon quickened his pace and drifted farther away from it. When he saw himself crane his neck to spot the Mourning Dove, Simon buried his chin in his chest. And when he saw himself looking into the river and seeing which way the water was flowing, Simon stopped, stood perfectly still for a full minute or longer, and jumped up and down, growling and swearing.

He’d been walking for three hours now, and still wasn’t close to where he’d fallen in. At this rate, he would lose his entire day. He had been looking forward to spending the day listening to Twilight Sparkle continue her lesson on Equestrian history. He had looked forward to continuing to explore this little town he’d found himself in. But now the day was gone. The day was gone and there was no one to badger or bribe to get it back. He simply had one fewer day to do with as he pleased. This made Simon mad.

He was also deeply disturbed by his near-drowning.  If he had died in that river, he would have been carried miles away from Ponyville, the only place on the whole planet where he was known. His fate would be lost to all who knew him, and meaningless to whomever found him. What’s more, it would mark the end of his journey into the cosmos. His fate would be completely unknown to the humans who sent him here. He would have vanished without a trace, swallowed  whole by the big black Universe he’d been sent into. Humans weren’t coming to this planet anytime soon. The hole in the ground left by his ship would eventually be filled, and all traces of Simon’s presence here would disappear. Nobody anywhere would know where he went, and because he left no legacy, it would have been as if he hadn’t existed.

Simon tried not to think about this. He focused on the five little things instead. Five stupid, trivial, things that could have been avoided at any bloody time…

Simon was thirsty, hungry and tired.

The river had fresh water, but Simon wasn’t going near it. As for food and rest, there wasn’t much he could do about it until he got back into town. Such a long way. Nothing he could do about it. He was powerless. Because he’d chosen his green baseball cap. Simon’s muscles began to tense up. Because he’d loosened it. Because he…

“Hi, Simon!”

Simon turned his anger towards the unexpected voice; “WHAT?” he hollered, spinning in the direction he had heard it. To his surprise there was nothing there. Although it wasn’t that surprising, since there wasn’t supposed to be anyone there anyway. But he’d heard a voice. That was surprising. He thought about this.

“I’m over here now”

Simon turned all the way around and saw a bright pink pony with light blue eyes. This was the one called Pinkie Pie. Simon jumped.

“What are you doing so far from Ponyville, Simon? It’s more than an hour away!” The pony asked brightly.

“I fell into the river.”

The pink pony laughed.

“Sorry, Simon. I can’t understand you. Twilight’s spell only works one way, remember?”

Simon remembered. He just felt like talking. Simon had one big question he wanted to ask Pinkie Pie: What are you doing an hour away from Ponyville?

“I fell into the river”, Pinkie Pie echoed back to him, laughing at what was total nonsense to her.

Simon tried to spit, but his mouth was completely dry.

“Simon, you look thirsty. You know there’s water right over there, right?”.

Simon shook his head.

“What’s the matter? Afraid you’ll fall in?” The pony laughed.

Simon fell to his knees and buried his face in his hands.

“Gee, Simon, I didn’t mean to upset you…”

A moment of silence passed.

“Hey! I know what’ll cheer you up!”

He looked up at the pony.

“What’s this behind your ear, Simon?”

Pinkie Pie’s head stretched behind Simon’s ear. Her thick mane enveloped half of his face.

Does she think I’m a child? Is she going to pull out a coin, or a cloth, or a…

The air around Simon seemed to explode. He instinctively covered his head with his hands and buried his face in the ground, bravely.

He heard, “Look, Simon! Look look look look look!”

He looked.

The air was filled with confetti. Balloons, noise-makers and party hats littered the ground. Simon’s own green baseball cap had been replaced by one of these paper hats. Through the thick confetti he saw Pinkie Pie, her smile broad as ever.

“There was a party behind your ear!”

Simon blinked. He looked around one more time at the party that had allegedly been behind his ear. His anger had completely given way to amazement.

"It's been building up inside you all day. I just let it out."

He involuntarily cursed in astonishment.

Pinkie Pie could not contain herself any longer; she laughed uncontrollably. It was infectious. Soon, Simon could no longer hold himself up.  Their laughter grew, filling the silent forest, to a crescendo. After the moment had finally passed, Simon didn’t think he had the strength to get back up and walk back to town.

Pinkie Pie giggled, “Simon, do you need a ride back into Ponyville?”

Simon looked up. Before him were Pinkie’s two huge eyes and smiling mouth in an expression of pure innocence and sincerity. Did she know that humans rode ponies on Earth?

Simon slowly nodded. He didn’t think he’d ever get another chance to do this.

“Okay, then. Hop on.” Pinkie stooped down to her shoulders. Simon slowly stood up, not altogether certain that this was happening. He couldn’t believe that an intelligent creature was allowing him to ride her. He’d heard of animal altruism, but never thought he would be subject to it.

His green baseball cap was on his head again.

Simon stood astride Pinkie Pie, and the pink pony rose up, so that Simon was now properly positioned to ride as comfortably as he could without a saddle. She didn’t seem to strain at all under his weight.

Pinkie Pie looked up at Simon.

“Ready?” She asked.

“Ready”, Simon echoed back.

“Then here...we…GO”

With a sproing, Pinkie Pie skipped into the air. Simon flew off almost immediately, his head landing perfectly on a tree stump.

“Oops. Sorry.”

***

Twilight Sparkle read the book aloud, something she rarely did on her own. She sounded out every vowel, consonant, and punctuation mark, according to how Simon told her they were pronounced. Together, they’d managed to communicate enough information for Twilight to understand a few words. Mostly “Desk” and “Book” and other nouns whose meaning can be associated with an object that is within reach inside a library. Twilight knew that understanding the book was a total lost cause until she got Simon speaking Equestrian, but she could not wrench herself from it. This book was a particularly interesting specimen. Although it appeared to be written in Simon’s native language, the title consisted of two words Twilight couldn’t find anywhere else among Simon’s books. Twilight had to ask Simon if Mein and Kampf were special words.

Speaking of which, Twilight began to worry about Simon. He always left in the morning to go for a walk, but he always came back in less than an hour. It was now mid-afternoon, and nopony had seen him anywhere. Spike was coming back from Fluttershy’s house pretty soon, and if he didn’t have any word from her that she’d seen him, Twilight decided she’d have to go looking for him.

Twilight put the book aside and looked at Simon’s “Thesaurus” for a while. She got to the end of “A” when she heard Pinkie Pie’s cheerful humming outside. Something wasn’t right, though. Her humming sounded upbeat, but she was not skipping as she normally did. In fact her hooves were making only the slightest noise.

Twilight opened the front door to investigate. She saw Pinkie Pie, walking slowly, gently towards the library. On her back Simon lay limp, his face buried deep in Pinkie Pie’s mane. Pinkie walked gingerly to keep him balanced.

“Twilight, I think I broke our new friend….”

Chapter Six: A Small Distinction

In this chapter, Simon explains to Rarity a fundamental difference between human and pony culture.

Twilight Sparkle felt a surge of giddiness with each box she opened. Every single treasure that they contained set her mind racing about what it told of life on the human’s home world: An umbrella, but not like one a pony would use, since it had a curved handle to be held in a human’s hand, rather than being worn on a pony’s back or head. The concept made sense, of course, but it was exotic nonetheless.

She’d spent all of her life gathering knowledge, and now it was as though her life had started anew, in a totally different world. The prospect excited her.

She was almost disappointed by the small cube with a different colour on each face, and each face subdivided into six squares. Everything else seemed to have a purpose, even if she couldn’t even begin to think of what it’s purpose was. This was, well, just a cube. She levitated it in front of her.

Her thoughts changed when she poked it with her hoof, and made the bottom part twist. She could rotate each face of the cube independently. After playing with it for some time, she concluded that it was actually a pretty sophisticated mechanical device. But what did it do?

Twilight’s interest in the cube was fading. She wanted to move on to the next item in the box, but first she had to but the cube back the way it was. She tried to remember all the twists she had given it to do them in reverse, but she couldn’t get it back the way it was.

Oh no

She’d broken Simon’s cube! He’d never forgive her for this! He’d never let her near his things again! She couldn’t give up all this knowledge. She knew what she’d do.

“Spike!”

The purple dragon came to Twilight’s side in a flash, eager to assist.

“Take this out back and bury it!”

Spike took the cube in his hands and looked at it, puzzled.

“Go, quick!”

Spike did not hesitate any longer. He sped out the back door to accomplish his task.

Twilight breathed a sigh of relief.

She became aware of a brush hovering over her head. It now began to do it’s job for her mane.

“Twilight, dear. Your hair is a mess!”

Twilight turned to her friend Rarity, who had apparently let herself in. Twilight sensed that Rarity had big news.

“I’ve had the fashion idea of the century!” Rarity declared, barely able to stop herself from springing in the air like Pinkie Pie.

Twilight shared Rarity’s enthusiasm. Anything that made her friends happy, made her happy.

“What is it, Rarity?”

“I have a slew of wonderful ideas for clothes for that human of yours”

“Simon”, Twilight gently reminded Rarity.

“Yes, of course…” Rarity was laying out five big pieces of parchment, each with a different ensemble wrapped around a rough outline of Simon’s physique.

“I’ll make him the grandest outfits. He’ll be fit to present before the Royal Court at Canterlot! Then, all of Equestria will know that I, Rarity, am the only pony in history to have beautified a creature from beyond the stars!”

“Rarity”, Twilight chimed in.

Rarity paid no heed. “Of course, it’ll take a lot of work to figure out just what can make him look good. He has such broad shoulders, and his forelegs are so long. We’ll definitely need a different set of measurements than we get from a pony…”

“Rarity!” Twilight chirped.

“What? Yes?” Rarity was brought down from the clouds.

“Why don’t you ask Simon if he’d like you to make him some clothes?”

“Oh…Right”

Simon sat hunched on his bed, studying the sketches he’d been given. Coming up with an opinion on fashion designs was not easy two days after having a concussion. He wanted to go back to sleep.

The designs were ambitious at best,

One design in particular seemed intended for a glam rocker who cared little about the “rock” part of his job. Each had more sequins and diamonds set in them than Simon thought appropriate for all the clothes one wears in a lifetime. Of course Simon was no fashion expert, and he was dealing with head trauma. Still, there was one very important issue he needed to address.

“Pants”, he said. Not a single one of the garments covered anything beneath the waist.

“What?”

“Pants”

“Simon, you’ll have to explain”, Twilight reminded him.

Simon stuck out his leg, and grabbed a handful of fabric from the knee of his jumpsuit. “Pants”.

Rarity’s ears dropped.

“Oh, I see. But these designs aren’t meant to have…pants. I assure you, you will not need them to look fabulous in these suits.”

Simon shook his head.

“But Why?”

Simon got up from his bed. He went over to one of the many boxes scattered throughout the library. He opened one and retrieved a photo album. He sat back down on the bed, and laid it across his lap. Twilight and Rarity both sat on the bed on either side of him, looking over his shoulders.

Simon opened the book to a random page, a late-19th century photograph of an American baseball team. Simon pointed to the men’s legs.

“Pants”

Ahead a few decades, to the era of the stars of film and stage.  Buster Keaton, Charlie Chaplin, The Marx Brothers.

“Pants”

Dozens of men waiting in bread lines during the Great Depression, all of them wearing pants.

Winston Churchill, Franklin Delano Roosevelt, Charles deGaulle.

“Pants”

Elvis Presley, John F. Kennedy, The Beatles.

“Pants”

Vacation photos of a man posing in front of The Grand Canyon.

“Pants”

Michael Jackson.

“Pants”

“Yes, Simon, I understand, now. That’s enough. I’ll have to completely rework my designs, but I’ll get you your pants. And you’ll be one of the best-dressed beings in all of Equestria!”

Simon was glad that he hadn’t discouraged the generous unicorn at all. He liked Rarity. She seemed to live for her work, an attribute most professionals could not claim.

“May I take those pictures? For inspiration?”

Simon gave it to her. The vague notion that there were images in the book he wouldn’t want her to see wafted briefly into his mind, but Rarity was already leaving and he was asleep before she left the room.

Chapter Two: Simon's Inevitable Arrival

In this chapter, we see Simon arrive at his destination planet, Simon’s first encounter with the planet’s inhabitants, and the first of many near-fatal injuries. This chapter marks the beginning of Simon’s entrapment in a crummy fanfiction

Simon had apparently blacked out. He was now hanging from a parachute. His nose was bleeding from the sudden change in air pressure. His lungs and skin were shocked by sudden contact with cool, fresh air, and his parachute’s deployment had caused the area around his harness to suffer much pain.

He saw the colour green beneath him. Good, he thought, he could stop worrying about needing to swim. He got his breathing under control, and tried to survey the land beneath him. He guessed it would be another two minutes before he hit the ground.

It looked like he’d be landing in a deciduous forest, though with many places that looked cleared of trees. Looking up he saw some unusual geography: It appeared there was a mountain range, largely devoid of trees, fairly close by. He twisted his head to the right, and was startled to see an enormous mountain, peaked with a pristine white snow cap, so tall in fact that he was already beneath it’s peak…

“Hey”

Simon’s thoughts fell silent. He’d just heard a voice. It sounded close to him. He quickly twisted himself, looking in every direction as quickly as he could, but he did not see the source of the voice.

Until he saw the source of the voice.

It was blue. This was why it had been so hard to see it against the sky. It was a blue…something, flying alongside him on the power of two flapping wings.  It had two enormous purple eyes. And it was six feet away from him.

Don’t Panic, Simon thought.

Simon and the thing locked eyes, studying each other.

One minute until landing

The thing began to drift toward him.

“Don’t panic”, Simon said softly to himself. He was shaking.

It looks harmless. But what if it isn’t? Forty seconds

Closer it came. Simon noticed that, along with it’s sky-blue body, it had hair on its head and a tail that were done up in the full spectrum of colours.

Why risk letting it touch me? Thirty seconds

The thing was close enough to touch and getting closer.

“DON’T PANIC!” Simon shrieked, and swung his legs up right into the thing’s underbelly.

The thing cried in pain and flew straight up, above Simon’s parachute, and out of sight.

Things were tense. Twenty Seconds.

A nasty thought occurred:

What if there’s more of them, and I made them angry? Ten Seconds.

Crap.

Simon landed gracelessly on the forest floor. The parachute enveloped him as he lay prone on the knobby tree roots. He scrambled out from under it and rolled onto his back to look into the sky.

It was hard to see, but Simon was able to make out the thing’s rainbow markings against the sky. It was hovering high above, looking down at him. In an instant it was gone, leaving a trail of colour in its wake.

Simon made several short-term life decisions in one second.

I’m gonna go the other way, and I’m not going to stop until I’m out of that thing’s habitat.

Simon suspected he wasn’t thinking clearly.

Simon unhooked his chute and stood up. He bolted off as fast as he could. He was almost instantly overcome by pain in his leg. He stumbled, and slammed his head into a tree.

Once again, Simon found himself on his back. Now his head was pounding and spinning at the same time. When the stun had worn off from the blow, he propped himself into a sitting position against the tree.

He examined his leg, and sure enough, there was something horribly wrong with it.

His jumpsuit’s pant leg was torn at the cuff, and the exposed skin was deeply cut almost halfway up the calf. It had been open for quite a while, and Simon’s right leg was caked in blood.

Simon had to think about this.

***

Under the thick canopy, the muted din of the Everfree forest was hardly disturbed by the sound of hooves on the soft, wet ground. However, the usual palette of greens, browns and greys was challenged with the passage of five little ponies whose colours clashed with everything around them.

In the lead was a purple unicorn pony, followed by a palomino with a Stetson hat, a bright pink pony without a care in the world, a true white who walked with class even if nopony was looking, and a Pegasus for whom every step forward seemed a terrible ordeal.

Twilight Sparkle, Applejack and Rarity had been celebrating a successful slumber party when the fireball passed overhead. Fluttershy had been helping Rainbow Dash clear away the remnants of last night’s storm when it happened (and sent her scurrying into the safety of a nearby bush), and Pinkie Pie had been nowhere near, hadn’t heard a thing, but felt the strongest twitch in her tail she’d ever felt. That meant that something was falling…and that something might just change somepony’s life forever. She kept this premonition from the others; in fact, she kept it from herself, too: If it was her life that was going to change forever, she wanted it to be a surprise.

Applejack broke the silence, “How’re you doin’ back there, Fluttershy?”

Fluttershy’s response could scarce be heard, “I want to go home”

Rarity slowed down and walked alongside Fluttershy. They all knew that they couldn’t go home until they knew that the fireball that had torn through the sky was not going to put Ponyville in danger.

Though she did not show it, Twilight Sparkle may have been more scared than Fluttershy. Her thoughts were on where the thing had come from.  It’s speed, it’s height, and the dark, sky-spanning streak it left behind made inspired the idea in her that this thing had come from outer space. She’d seen meteor showers before, what if one reached the ground? She even considered the possibility of it carrying life. But in all her reading, there was almost nothing written about life from outer space. She did not consider it the most likely possibility. There were other explanations: Maybe a dragon flying overhead had crashed. She was glad Fluttershy was with them. There were many other possibilities, and some of them made her very scared.

Pinkie Pie’s sudden explosion of laughter made everypony jump, except Fluttershy, who fainted dead away.

Twilight Sparkle was a little annoyed at her friend’s lack of seriousness, “Pinkie, what could possibly be so funny?”

“I’m sorry…” Pinkie gasped for air, laughed some more, and continued, “It’s just that Rainbow Dash has been looking for us for five minutes!”

Pinkie pointed into the foliage. Just visible was Rainbow Dash, weaving in and out from behind the trees, and keenly listening for the sounds of her friends.

“YOO HOO, Dashie! We’re over here!”

Rainbow Dash paused, searched out Pinkie’s voice, saw her friends all lined up and looking right at her, and dropped her head to the ground in embarrassment.