I'm done so I'm...

by The Drifting Bard

Chapters

Giving up
Letting go
Unfinished

Giving up

This is why i'm giving up

its because I love you....

but you don't love me

I stood there in the pouring rain, trying to form my words. sadly the words I wanted to say were caught in my mouth.

I could only stand there and watch as the Mare i loved was making out in the rain with another guy.

It was as if the universe just loved to mock me. the kiss broke and she saw me. all I heard from her was a very quiet "oh shit"

within that small brief second... my heart broke, dropped to the floor like a wine glass. it then exploded into the tiniest pieces possible.

I took off, in search of somewhere to go. in the end, I ended up on a bench slightly sheltered from the pouring rain.

that was the best thing about rain. No matter how sad, depressed and teary-eyed you get... the rain will always hide it.

it was at that point, I began to shake, choking back sobs. the dam was preparing itself for the biggest break of the century.

After 7 years of keeping everything bottled up, the dam had to break eventually.

but not tonight.

Anything but tonight.

I didn't notice at first but the tears had already began their treacherous journey down my face to their eventual suicide off my chin. everything had gone wrong... but where did it begin its descent into self-loathing and blindness?

my original thought would be a few minutes ago, but thinking about it now...

Probably when i first met her.

Before I met her, I was perfectly normal... If you count not having a matching mane and tail normal.

She was beautiful, I was simply hooked on her at the first sight. I got to know her well, and managed to get a date...

the problem was we had to re-organize and re-arrange constantly... In the back of my mind there was a small voice... a seed of doubt. little by little, that seed would sprout into a stem.

within a few weeks of hearing nothing from her, the stem had sprouted several leaves.

then came our date, the first of many.

until the rumors began.

I caught wind and found out that she had dated several people... all of which had somehow fucked things up themselves.

when I spoke to her she told me that her previous lover had cheated on her.

It was then that i noticed a sudden nervousness, I knew she had trust issues but never questioned why.

until now.

back then, i thought she was afraid of getting hurt.

man was i wrong.

turned out she was afraid of hurting other people.

so now i'm sitting here in the rain, playing through all the moments I shared with her... all my secrets...

all my trust.

and she pissed it all away. not once, not twice but three times.

all because it turned out that she was already dating two other guys.

at the same friggen time.

from what I could tell... one was a musician, the other was a jock.

now all I can think about now is how much of an idiot I was.

hell... I was an idiot for thinking that she could love a guy like me.

I should really stop looking for love. something like that is just beyond my reach constantly.

Honestly? Its been seven years since my last relationship... it took 5 years to get over...

but i suppose it cant be helped really.

all i can do now is look up at the sky being caressed ever so gently by the rain clouds.

I sat there gazing up, watching the weather team do their work.

if there was anything i knew better it was that I needed someone to talk to.

who knows, perhaps that's all i'll need to get things in order.

I knock on Ditzy Doo's door. she instantly knows what I need.

a hug, a muffin and an ear to vent my frustrations in. she's the closest thing i have to a sister.

she also knew i couldn't really deal with my emotions too well.

hell, she saw what i could do to someone when angered... but then again, she did help with that...

but right now, I needed a shoulder to basically cry on.

she continued to hold me until everything subsided.

I was alot more calmer.

"usually this is the part where I say I told you so but" she clamped her own mouth shut.

enticing a small chuckle from me. "if you don't i will, I told you so" of course, her boyfriend on the other hand... was annoying to say the least.

I relaxed in their presence. I sat picking at the muffin, still looking glum as i began to tell them about how my efforts were thrown back in my face many times.

who-ever said that perseverance was the key obviously has never had their heart broken.

these two don't know how lucky they are to have love.

sometimes i think its something i have to earn...

but then i think to myself....

do I even deserve it?

I continued to ponder this mind-plaguing question for the rest of the day before settling on a simple "no" as an answer.

I could be mean and spread rumors on how she's a changeling as payback... but where would that leave me?

it'd brand me a vengeful liar.

there's a knock on the door.

I hear a snarky "Oh, it's the heart breaker"

I walk to the door and simply close it with a simple sullen look

I took a short walk to the near by sofa and crashed.

Ditzy sat beside me as she tried to comprehend what just happened

"what are you doing?"

I continued to lie there. "Giving up"

"why?"

"because all my life has been is one big joke, its like Discord purposefully created me for his own amusement"

"so?"

"so? so?" I was almost shouting at this point "i feel like I can't please anypony and no matter how hard i try everything keeps bucking up for me and all i ever do is be nice to ponies, I feel like i've let everypony down and ontop of that i've had my heart shattered into little pieces.. so excuse me if i look like i'm standing on broken glass"

Ditzy placed her hoof on my shoulder as i began to vent my frustrations and began to swear until i turned blue.

usually it would take half an hour... but i was quickly reduced to a blubbering mass because I knew i would have to return home to an empty house.

When i was little, all i wanted was to be left alone...

Its funny how things change isn't it.

Letting go

breaking my own heart

The young stallion looked to me for a moment, before finally deciding to state what was on his mind.

"How old Is she?" he then pointed to the mare in question...

she was an extremely good friend of mine, one that always knew how to make me smile,

the way her mane perfectly frames her face, the way she glides through the air.

the way she teases me. "She's 19 if I remember correctly" I gave a light chuckle.

He then gave a bright smile in my direction. "Thanks, she told me earlier her mom was a litte bit over-protective and won't let her out much, hence the dumb question" I simply shrugged my shoulders at this and sighed. seeing as the Mare was simply handing out flyers on the manehatten street. "yeah, well her family is mostly comprised of idiots," I sighed before deciding in my head the best course of action "I won't go into the details cause I promised her I wouldn't"

He simply looked at me for a moment, as I watched her try to get peoples attention. a small sad smile graced my face for a brief moment. a sad smile that went un-noticed. "That's fine. I'm just worried about screwing up" I turned to him slightly, with a perfectly faked surprised look. "really?" I knew what he was talking about. He was planning on asking her out.

I gave the lad a smile and a pat on the back. "good for you then"

he looked at me for a moment. "but what shouldn't I ask? I've never..."

"I get ya, you've never really asked a mare out before" he nodded at my assumption.

I looked over to her once more, still watching her work to the best of her abilities.

After a string of bad relationships You'd think she'd have found a decent enough guy?...

instead of that I find her two... me and him....

but...

"You simply just got to relax man, Go with the follow... Go on and ask her out,"

"but-"

"have a little bit of faith in your self"

he hesitates for a moment, still unsure of if he has it in him.

"bah, You'll be fine, if you did somehow manage to screw up she'd still hang out, tis just how she is"

as he sits there thinking about it, I decide to finally put my feelings into consideration.

meanwhile he finally goes for it. " that's good to know. Not sure where I'll end up taking her, but hopefully I'll either think of something or someone will suggest something. Anyway, for now, wish me luck"

as He trots off, I simply smile sadly to myself

I've decided to let her go.

reason being is…well… I think she deserves better…

all I've been doing is chasing a pipe-dream.

is it any wonder why I always try to put myself in situations...

where there's nothing I can really do except get hurt.

it wouldn't have really amounted to much…

I have a feeling after a while, things would just get stale… and she’d just up and leave,

but i think at least this time she would have said it to my face…. instead of handing me a fucking letter.

but I suppose that’s why I did it….

because I just don’t feel like I deserve anything… everything I've done so far has amounted to practically nothing.

sure, I've reserved myself to be that pillar of strength… but now I’m not so sure this is what I want to be.

I feel as though at times… I can’t help…

and that cuts me like a knife.

But to be honest…

I miss it…

I miss performing

I miss seeing the people that really matter to me

all I've been doing is standing around waiting for people to fucking notice that I’m here, That I've always been here…

That I’m always gonna be here… even if i end up a thousand miles away…

I have people that care but…. not in the way I want…

so basically..All I want is to see her genuinely happy… she won’t get that with me…

I watch as he asks the question. she smiles happily at him. I watch as she mouths the word yes,

I turn and leave... Hiding the tears and torture I've inflicted upon myself...

as I walk, I begin to sing a little song to myself "Slit my Hooves and watch me fade away..."

Unfinished

Oh! I'm looking at you

can't control myself

nothing, but pain for me

As is per the norm, I simply did What I do best. I sat in a room, writing me emotions out in the form of drabble on tear stained paper. Unfortunately for me, there was an abundance of rewritten notes on how the world works and why I can't be good enough for anyone. I've always had these self esteem problems, even as a colt, but she always brought me out of my shell.

I once made my intentions clear, that I wanted nothing more than to take her out to dinner and see how things go.

instead, she laughed. she knew I had a semblance of a more... romantic idea for it. but she declined.

I left it at that. much like most things. She still had power over me, she knew what it took to break me.

it took another four months, same thing happened only this time she smiled, saying it was "cute at first, but now its just annoying" she played it off as a joke. "go chase after the beautiful mares," she said, voice wavering lightly in the cold. "maybe you'll find someone better" she finished speaking.

I simply placed a hoof on her shoulder like I always did, then looked in her eyes. "Why bother when I'm already chasing one" I replied, turning on the swagger that I thought I had. She simply laughed. "where is this mystery mare then?"

Everytime she shot me down, I simply scrambled and tried again.

but then... I stopped trying. what was the point of it all? asking her out to get shot down. it was at that point, we started hanging out with others. our bizarre cirle of friends had grown. I saw her smile slowly grow bigger.

it was at that point I dug in my little hooves and simply... let her go.

within a few months I felt as though I were over her. like it was back to that "Just Friends" thing.

but the heart wants what it wants, even Princess Cadence could see that. it was a weird day that one.

I was summoned to her at one point where she proceeded to tell me that she had never in her life seen a more unrequited love than mine. she asked me all these questions which I won't repeat due to legal reasons.

apart rom one.

she asked me this.

"why? why would you do this to yourself?"

I Couldn't answser, not because I wouldn't... for I had no answer.

all I could do in the end was weep. I was broken by the question.

Then like a raging tsunami, the answer had hit me.

I began to write a letter... an outpour of the words I could never say.

if this was to be the end all to be all... then I was to make my feelings known.

As the quill glided across the paper, I could only wonder what she would do, what she would think.

would she think me a coward? or perhaps just ridiculas, maybe beyond a joke.

All was resting on this one letter. but I could care less... As I wrote, the torrent of emotion was only brought to higher levels. like a cascading waterfall of neverending suffering. Cadence had explained to me that Unrequited love was purely... pain.

But as I go to deliver this letter, I see you with somepony... and your smiling, smiling brighter than you would with me. I see him.... one of my closest of friends.

I should be angry...but I'm not.

within seconds, I simply vanish. casting spells and disappearing from sight.

yet the letter remains.

I'm a coward.

Thats all i've ever been. I've spent all night trying to write the perfect letter with the perfect wording to tell you how I feel when it doesn't matter. all because I stupidly fell in love with you.

but you know, it's not that you don't care... it's just your not interested. I knew that... can you blame me for trying so damn hard? if it helps, I don’t want to feel this way. Honest. I just keep thinking that i'll get over this. It just keeps getting harder. I don’t know what to do. so, I'll be the guy that walks away, and let the better stallion do his best to keep you happy, and in turn... I want him to be happy.

somepony has to be...

as her eyes gazed over the letter again and again...

she began to realize why the pen dragged itself along towards the bottom. Her friend was gone.

I've been walking in the night of tears

there I found someone was holding you

as the night was falling down

with my love also vanished my vision of you