Chapters Six Broken Ponies: Endless Laughter
I try so hard, you know: silly Pinkie Pie, always smiling, singing songs, predicting the unpredictable or babbling in her silly little way about party-this, party-that. I know every pony in Ponyville, and they all smile when I’m around, and I make ‘em laugh, make ‘em laugh, make them laugh… but it’s not like I don’t see it in their eyes, you know. The exasperation. The ‘when will she go away’ look. The disdain for poor little Pinkie Pie, who never makes any sense and lives in her own silly little world, who never seems to have moments of lucidity, but oh, if only they knew…
I try so hard. In fact, I try too hard and yet I can’t stop myself. There’s this switch in my brain, this broken circuit, and it makes me just go completely crazy when I get that emotional rush, that pleasure of being with my friends, my real friends, my good friends… even though I know every pony in Ponyville, how many of them do you think I’m actually friends with? No, no, that’s a silly question from silly Pinkie Pie. Here’s a better one: one many of them consider me their friend?
Oh I learned that a long time ago, you see. No matter how much you care about someone, no matter how good you treat them or how hard you try for them, you can’t ever really know how they feel about you. One day you’re working the rock farm with your family and the next thing you know, they’re telling you to get out of here because you don’t fit in anymore. Sure there was that one time, we all laughed and smiled, and we had fun! But the problem was they got tired of it. Very tired of it, very fast, which made me just want to try harder to bring smiles to everyone… and trying too hard is a lot worse than not trying at all, I found out. When you try too hard, they get tired of your faster. They want to get rid of you faster. It’s like when you laugh too hard… the deep breath, the expulsion of air, the sharp, loud ‘ha-ha-ha!’ and then the sensation of all the wind gone from your body, the breath of life washed out of your lungs, the momentary, blissful sorrow when you’re choking and no one can or will save you but then air, oxygen, floods back into your mouth and pumps itself into your lungs whether you want it or not and forces you to live.
And yet I can’t stop myself from trying so hard. I try and try and try and do and do and do, all for that one solitary moment when someone laughs with you instead of at you, when someone’s eyes meets yours and there’s no pity or distaste in them, for that one all-important second where you feel yourself connect with another pony, where they don’t hate you or lie to you, where they aren’t going to sell you at market like nothing but the dirt and stone you harvested every day for years from mires of muck and filth…
Yet one day, you become their jester, their fool, no matter how much they like you at heart. Silly Pinkie Pie, you’re the one we’ll blame for everything that goes wrong; silly Pinkie Pie, you’re the one to take the fall; silly Pinkie Pie, you’re the one who has to dance to entertain us, or we’ll discard you and find a new idiot to round off our group, and you can go back to living on the outskirts, knowing everyone in Ponyville… and pitied by all of them, too. And even the foals will look at you with disdain in their eyes, knowing that oh, look, it’s just worthless Pinkie Pie… the pony who knows everyone and is friends with no one… least of all herself.
So I do and do and do, and I do my best to control myself, too, and I do my best to always keep a smile pasted on my face and even when I’m lucid, they never know, they never notice, because I’m still laughing when I shouldn’t be, taking nothing seriously, all to keep up the appearances. I’m very scared of what life would be like without my friends, after all... I’m very scared of who I’d become without these ponies in my life. I might be their court jester, their silly fool... but oh, it’s better to be that than something else, something tossed to the fringe of society, the retarded outsider they all pity. It’s better to be the freak of the group but still dragged along on their misadventures... then it ever would be to be lost, and alone, locked away in Sugar Cube Corners with the old ponies I barely know and who barely know me.
Because when you’re alone, all those thoughts from the deep, dark, reptile part of your mind come to light. All those thoughts that little ponies shouldn’t have, mixed together disharmoniously with terrible, ill thoughts of sick laughter and perversion. Vile thoughts, of mayhem, and how in the shadows, my pretty-pink coat looks red, red, red, like the blood that flows inside and sometimes wanders outside through holes in flesh and tears in skin.
Do we all have darkness inside us, suppressed only by our friends and perhaps force of will? Or am I the only one in Ponyville with these thoughts inside my head, whispering through my mind, telling me things, things I cannot believe, things I know I should not do. Thoughts that slither through my mind like serpents in the tall grasses, wild as the Everfree Forest, bestial as the monsters in its depths. Whispering, always whispering... always just out of sight until you foolishly go looking for them, hooves pawing through the weeds until you see a shimmer of scales a moment too late and then its lunging up to sink its poisonous, corruptive fangs into your throat...
Things like this, I can never tell my friends. I know they won’t understand what it’s like... that I have no control over this, just like I have so little control over myself at every other point and time during the day. Silly Pinkamena Diane Pie. This is part of why your parents threw you off the rock farm, you know: they always knew, they always sensed it, lurking beneath the surface, even before that self-control circuit first shorted out. They knew you, with your long, straight hair, so different from them, had sin inside you. Oh yes, they knew all too well... and they feared you. Even when you brought them joy, they feared what else you might learn to unlock and indulge in.
It’s better that old history lays forgotten, though... no one needs to know where Pinkie Pie came from, why she lives with Mrs. Cake and her husband above the store, why they put up with silly strange and vapid Pinkie Pie. They aren’t bad ponies, even if they treat me like a child, but it’s not like I can say they’re wrong to, either. I doubt I could handle the store on my own. I doubt I could do anything right on my own. And it scares them, doesn’t it, when they hear me talking to myself in my room... except I’m never really talking to myself because I’m never really alone, oh no. There’s always the whispers... there’s always the reflection in the mirror. She’s part of the reason I have to smile and laugh all the time, and part of the reason why I have no self control. She waits there, inside and outside of me...
She hates laughter, and she hates parties, and she knows she doesn’t have any friends. She wants attention and love, but she knows that all they want to do is laugh at her when she falls down, or make fun of her because she’s different, and was brought up by poor parents who didn’t want her on a dusty farm. She’s someone who once was, a long time ago, someone who was sealed away, in the dark recesses of the spirit and the mind, she is old-testament faith and longing and hopelessness and oh, she scares me so much. She truly does... because she’s come so close to breaking free some days. Days like when I thought my friends were avoiding me, and if only they knew how crucial they were in my life...
And even though most of the other ponies seem to think that I’m a few apples short of a bushel and almost as handicapped as Ditzy Doo, many, many days I wish I could spend more time in the library with Twilight. Funny how that sounds? Crazy Pinkie Pie, wanting to be in a library for quiet reading… but how could they ever know that friendship is a subject so important to me, that I’m so very interested in…
But Twilight can barely stand to be around me. When I get… excited… I interrupt her quiet, invade her personal space, drive her crazy with my presence, and I can’t help but get excited due to that broken circuit in me, that way I get so bouncy when I’m in the presence of the ponies I adore so much and who strive so hard to put up with me. Even worse, some of those weird ticks about me just don’t make sense to her, and she looks at me with such confusion, such a need to know the truth that all the same, she understands clearly she may never, ever know. I’m like the dark spot on the map, the unexplored area of the grid, the blackness in the deepest depths, the hidden subconscious behind the masks of faces we all wear. I’m senseless and excitable and more than a little crazy. I’m adrenaline, mixed with blood, mixed with the chemicals that feed our delusions and dreams that can so quickly turn to such black, black nightmares…
I wish she could better put up with me, though. I wish she liked my parties more. I wish she would have the patience to teach me about friendship, so I could understand it, so I could make myself a better friend, even with this… excitability, this lack of lucidity that comes over me from time to time, when I’m giggling and girlish and silly-silly-silly and yet fearing-fearing-fearing, trying so hard, too hard, to make them like me… knowing that one day, maybe I’ll push too far. Go too deep… let out something that shouldn’t’ve been allowed to escape. I’ll open up that black box that my parents were so scared of me finding inside myself, and one day I’ll be the one trapped in the mirror, staring out, screaming, not laughing anymore when that other person inside me is set loose.
She won’t laugh. She hates parties. She’ll smile though, her sick, twisted smile, and she’ll titter, and she’ll shriek, and she’ll giggle. Never laughing like we laugh, but she’ll show her twisted joy all the same, and I’m so scared that it won’t just be a trick of the light that makes her coat the color of blood, that the bodies on the floor won’t just be asleep, that the heavy silence will never again be punctured by breathing… only by her sick, twisted sounds of joy when she revels in the fact I have no friends, she has no friends, we’re all alone in this big bad world, and even when we smile, it’s only to hide the pain of being alone from everyone else…
If she was ever freed, I’d never be able to escape, I’d be sealed away forever… but sometimes I wonder… wouldn’t that be better? She absorbs the pain, I see it in her eyes… she drinks it in, makes it pleasure. I try and make pleasure, make fun, make smiles, and yet I can’t help but see every day how I fail… how they don’t like my parties, they tell me I try too hard, they pity little stupid Pinkie Pie… never knowing what lurks inside… never knowing that as I struggle to be their friend, and to contain myself, there’s this cage inside me I’m trying forever to seal shut, and not wander in to let myself be the first victim of the beast inside me before it lays terrible siege to the world. And I fear, if I ever fail… then I’ll laugh. I’ll smile, even through my tears. I’ll enjoy the sights, no matter how awful they are.
But come on now… don’t you want to come to one of my parties? We’ll all laugh together, we’ll all smile, we’ll play games into the night… and then, together… we’ll all lay down… and sleep. There will be candy, and cake, and balloons… and if you’re nervous… I’ll help you dance until you tire, I’ll lay you down and make you comfortable… I’ll cradle you and make you smile and make you laugh… until you close your eyes, and tell me you’re my friend.
I’ll help you smile… and we’ll laugh together, forever.
Six Broken Ponies: Traditional Sin
Every pony knows me as the most dependable, hardworking pony there is, and I gotta say, that ain’t a title to be given lightly, even here in Ponyville. No sir, ain’t nothin’ small about it. But I guess what they ain’t never realized is that it ain’t just an honor anymore… more and more, it’s been turning into one hefty responsibility. Hell, let’s be honest… it’s turned into one responsibility after another, and they keep praisin’ me on the one hoof but expecting more and more and more of me on the other, and I… I don’t know how to cope with it.
Everypony looks at me like I’m some kinda role model, and that ain’t what I ever wanted to ponies. I’m just a country girl, born and raised on the farm… shucks, life weren’t so bad, neither. Sure, it… it’s hard sometimes. Ain’t got no parents, gotta take care of poor ailin’ granny and my little sister Apple Bloom, but Big Mac’s always around, always doing the work of ten ponies, calm and never ever complaining no matter what…
Now he’s a dependable pony, you know. Handsome, strong as an ox, don’t say boo to no one. Quiet but he knows his hay from his horseapples, and I can always be myself with him. He looks out for me, even when I’m too damn proud to look out for myself, and he’s always taken care of me. I’m real attached to Big Mac. Real… really attached. I love him. In fact… I love him more than just a brother, if you get my drift. I know, right, hillbilly girl’s got a crush on her own brother, what a damn stupid story this is, ain’t it?
And he can’t ever know. Well, no, I ain’t stupid, and I know he ain’t stupid. I look at him all too often, sidle up to him too frequently, make too many excuses to be around him for him to not know by now that I got… feelings for him. You know. Lusty feelings and romantic-type feelings as well as my big strong brother feelings. But I can’t ever tell him, and it’s wrong, ain’t it? Loving your own brother, ain’t that a sin or something? But I never was the churchgoing type and come hell or high water, ain’t nothing stops me from getting what I want. Well. Almost nothing…
See, the problem is… no one would understand. No one would ever understand… and by the time I realized how I felt about Big Mac, hell, look at this, all of Ponyville’s gone depending on me for this and that and everything else. Every pony’s eyes always feels trained on me, I can’t do nothing without someone wanting to know what’s going on, I got… little fillies looking up to me, even some of them there little colts. I got responsibilities. I got a thousand ponies thinking, that AJ, she’s the greatest pony this side of Equestria. I’m a damn role model, and… I hate it. What do I do that’s so special? What do I do that makes me so damn dependable to their eyes? Is it ‘cause I do my best to be honest? Or is it ‘cause I’m the cute country girl who happens to be able to keep her word, who comes across all nice-like instead of just the silly redneck she was born? I ain’t some triumph of pony nature, I really ain’t.
And I ain’t pure, furthest thing from it. Oh, all around Ponyville, they think I am. More importantly, my friends think I am. But I gots all kinds of impure thoughts, all the time… and god, I… I hate to say it, but… when Rainbow and I get wrasslin’ in the mud or real close in one of our competitions, I get all… excited. I love her almost as much as I love Big Mac… she’s rude and a little dumb and can’t stand to lose, and she just ignites my fuse. Our bodies pressing together, grinding, flexing, our forms… hot… I… gimme a second, I need some damn air here, suddenly feels like it’s a hundred humid degrees.
But I can’t even tell her, ‘cause she’s a blabbermouth, too. If she told our friends… what would they think? I already have trouble getting along with Rarity, posh little princess that she is, and everyone knows Twilight’s nosy as a bear ‘round a sack of fish. And how would the town react? I got their respect, and even if I say it ain’t important to me, it ain’t something I wanna throw away, either. Worse, it seems like any time I come close to screwing up, they all suddenly look at me like I’ve betrayed ‘em, and I feel so guilty. So damn guilty that sometimes I gotta beat a retreat to one of the larger city centers around here, by way of saying I’m taking apples and baked goods for trade at a bigger market.
And sure, that’s usually true… but… when… when I go to a big city, it’s often for a different reason, too. One thing I learned from Manehatten, it’s when you’re in a big city, ain’t no one knows your name, ain’t no one cares about who you really are. They just look at you, don’t ask no questions, make their assumptions and check out your product, what you got to offer them. And if you’re willing to give a fair price, they’ll take it. They’ll take it and take it and take it some more… I think you know what… what I mean.
Whenever… I get worked up, I go to a bigger city and I… sell my product there. My apples, and my… apple pie, why don’t we call it that? Ain’t nothing bad about it… I’m careful, I’m choosy – mostly – and it brings in money. Money I can use to pay for things… little gifts for my brother and sister, comforts for poor Granny Smith, flowers for… for my parents’ graves. I ain’t never known ‘em. I don’t… want to know ‘em. Not ‘cause I think they didn’t love me but because when I start thinking about them while I’m thinking about how much I wanna love Big Mac and how I sell my body’s wares on the street, I think about ‘em lookin’ down at me from Heaven, and… and god, I hope they ain’t able to see me. I hope they’re only looking at Sweet Apple Acres and thinking that their little girl is… as pure-hearted as the town thinks she is, they never see me when I’m… relaxing, as I call it.
Ain’t it a sin? ‘Course it is, but… ain’t everything a sin these days? And it ain’t like any of us is particularly the religious sort, so that helps… don’t it? But god, it ain’t all my fault! I wouldn’t have to go out there, giving myself away to strangers and a few handsome regular clients who got my brother’s looks, if not his brains, if only I wasn’t in the damn spotlight in Ponyville all the time. I wish I could let them down. I wish I could fail them, fail them so completely they’d finally turn away, but I don’t wanna be shunned. I’m scared of it. And I’m so scared of what would happen if I told Big Mac how I feel. I love him so damn direly much. What kind of a sick god does this to a pony, what kind of twisted freak makes a sister love her brother this much and then forbids it? But here I am, saying I ain’t religious, blaming God. Still… I need someone to blame, and better the horses of Heaven than the rest of the world around me. I still believe in the world. I don’t believe in much else, though.
Yet sometimes I almost tell Big Mac anyway, but… I always think of Apple Bloom. It’d confuse her, maybe upset her, and I love my little sister. Not… not the way I love my brother, don’t you go thinkin’ I’m a pervert in that way, too, ‘cause I ain’t. I like my males, I love my brother, and I guess I even must like Rainbow Dash and a few other ponies – I might not like Rarity but that don’t stop me from admiring her body none, for example – but I got restraint, and I know the difference ‘tween right and wrong. At least… I think I do. Sometimes these days I… I ain’t so sure anymore. It’s all so confusing…
I think Rainbow would understand. She’s a weird girl, not like me, not like the others, but I know she’d go running her mouth, too, whether she meant to or not. Loyal or not, her mouth works before her brain does most of the time. Fluttershy, maybe. Fluttershy… you look at her just the right way sometimes, you see something… something else there, beneath her surface. Just like Twilight… but for all her genius, Twilight can be a little close-minded, too. I reckon if she read in some book somewhere that lovin’ your brother and having all kinds of… relations… was wrong, she’d be lecturing me in no time flat and might even tell Princess Celestia in one of her damn friendship letters. And wouldn’t that just be a hoot? ‘Hey Princess, one of them six ponies you trusted with those fancy gemstones to save Equestria, yeah? She wants to drag her brother off to the hayloft and regularly sells her pretty country-girl body for cash.’
I… hell. Hell, I didn’t ever think of it, but… I got one of those element thingies too, don’t I? They’re pretty important and… is… that another responsibility of mine? Does that mean even the Princess thinks… god, I ain’t never wanted this! I just wanna… I just wanna run away! I wanna be with Big Mac, I want… I want to tell him. If I had Big Mac, I could stop giving myself away like a goddamn whore to every male pony on the streets of the big cities, I could stop feeling so worthless, I could just… give up the world that depends on me so much. I’m just some damn dirty, filthy, worthless country girl, why do they think I’m Ponyvile’s number one? I ain’t. I just ain’t. I don’t want to be, I hate being responsible for this whole stupid town.
And I hate that it all rests on a gamble. I could tell Big Mac, sure… and maybe he’d be so disgusted he’d up and leave. Even if he rejected me polite-like, I… it would break my heart, that’s how much I love him. And knowing me, I might blabber out how much… what… the things I do. The… lusts. He… he’d hate me. My own beloved brother would end up hating me. And my friends, if my friends found out, I might lose them, they might be just as disgusted with me. I can’t tell a single soul… I can just let it build up inside me ‘til I finally snap, and hope for the best. If only they knew just what a damn liar I was… I live a double-life. Prostitute pony in the city, responsible, honorable Applejack the country girl heroine here in Ponyville. Ain’t lying with my mouth, but… it’s lying with my body, ain’t it? ‘Cept more and more, I think that’s what my damn body does best…
I gotta throw this off. I gotta… figure out the answer, ‘cause this is driving me nuts. And now, like always happens now when I get stressed, my body gets… hot. Needy. I wanna bury myself in… in kisses from strangers, in feelings that… are exotic. Animal. Primal. In the stuff they tell us in health class you definitely shouldn’t do. Oh God, I need it, I need it or I’m gonna burst, I need it or I’m gonna break down crying, I need it or I’m gonna end up crawling to Big Mac on my knees, begging him to love me, to make love to me like I’ve always wanted, begging to feel his body over me, not just in his embrace but beneath him, rocking, rocking, rocking, like Granny’s old chair…
I need to go now. Think there’s some… apple pie to take to the market in the big city. Think there’s plenty of it to go around, plenty hot from the oven still. And after I finish… selling my… apple pie, when it’s all cooled down and the cash and the cold, scared, heavy thoughts afterwards have brought too much rain on for any further sellin’ or harvestin’, then I’ll come up with a plan. I’ll figure out a way to make this all okay. I’ll pray to God to make one exception for this sin in this one little case, I’ll beg to whatever I gotta. And I’ll stop at my parents’ graves, and apologize to them for everything I’m doing, and let ‘em know it’s okay if they wanna disown me from Heaven as their daughter… ‘cause then maybe, just maybe, that would make it okay for me to make love to male who would be my brother in flesh-and-blood, but my lover in every other way possible.
Got some selling to do. Got some apple pie on sale… prices so low, I’m almost giving it away. So delicious and welcoming, you’ll wanna share it with your friends… come on there, handsome, don’t be shy now. Come buy some of my sweet apple pie… I got more than enough to go around for y’all.
Six Broken Ponies: Aerodynamics
I’m built for speed, and I love it: a Pegasus like me has got it made, and I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world. My body is smooth and streamlined, my wings are strong, I’m more agile than a cheetah and lighter on my hooves than a feather on a falcon. Bird or beast or other Pegasi, you ain’t got nothing on me.
Yeah, racing, nothing’s better… except winning. And yet these days, ever since I… grew up, so to speak, winning doesn’t taste as good as it used to. When you’re a kid, see, the whole world’s so tiny. Sure, I knew I lived in some country called Equestria, but really? My whole world was Cloudsdale. I knew about flying teams and the great races and stunts around Canterlot, but in my little world, all the best racing was in Cloudsdale, all the fastest races took place in those windswept skies, and I was the best.
Then, as you get older, the world gets bigger. Suddenly, you ain’t the best anymore, you’re just a number. You ain’t as special… and even winning trophies and showing off my skills, there’s still that lingering knowledge that hey, you’re the best of these bunch… but there’s a whole wide world out there, of land, sea and sky, bigger than you’ll ever be able to fly across by yourself, Rainbow, no matter how fast you are. You can’t compete with the entire world… it’ll rip you apart like you’re nothing but a speck of dust, ‘cause to the world, that really is all you are.
But you get friends, too. You start to realize that just ‘cause you ain’t the center of the world – even if you… you know, really like to think that yes, you are the center of the world – it doesn’t matter as much. Because you have friends by your side. ‘Cause when you fall down, you know someone is gonna be there to help you back up to your hooves, or bandage your wings if you strain ‘em, or carry you – just a little! – through the skies after you screw up for the hundredth time. ‘Cept then you grow up into an adult. And suddenly everything gets a lot more complicated, ‘cause now you got friends… and you got love… and you start to look at yourself and question everything about your own body and habits and… the whole world around you.
When I was a little filly, you know, the other boys picked on me. Didn’t bother me much… but it was ‘cause they thought half the time that I was a boy, too. Suddenly, when they found out I was a girl, I was off-limits. I still liked all the same stuff they did, hated frilly dresses, hated girly garbage, was only obsessed with the adrenaline drive and eventual victory over everyone who would race me, but… now the boys were weird and edgy around me. I was almost happy for those jerks who made fun of me. At least when they were calling me Rainbow Crash and picking on me, they were treating me like they’d treat any other pony. Jerks or not, I’d rather be picked on by those losers than I would be ignored by the rest of the boys in the class ‘cause I’m a girl.
Of course, getting kicked out of Cloudsdale’s flight school didn’t fly so hot with mom and dad. Nor did they like the fact I just wanted to dress like a guy pony and I never played with my dolls or my girly-garbage, I wanted to play with the boys and roughhouse and race. Those ain’t lady things, my mom would always say, they ain’t for girls, and dad would just… anyway, that’s… that’s in the past.
My body is athletic, streamlined. I looked up the stats, I got the best form. And as a female, my build is lighter. I got better tone than most Pegasus from all my time spent in the sky, always pushing the limits of my speed… I’m sure I’d be a shoo-in for the Wonderbolts, if I could only get them to pay attention to me for five minutes. But when I feel eyes on me, my performance falls apart… no, that’s not just it. When… when I think about myself, my performance falls apart. Because I’m a girl, see. I’m a girl, with a perfect female build for the sport, falling into the Class-A Pegasus category. And… I don’t feel right about that.
My friends know me as a tomboy. But AJ’s a tomboy, she’s still able to be feminine when she wants, she just happens to do and like boyish things. Me, I don’t… I don’t click very well with other females, I don’t associate myself with them or with girlish habits. I don’t primp or preen, I don’t really know how to do my makeup by myself, I hate dresses, I don’t feel right unless I’m tackling a physical task and… I’m… really… attracted to a certain… a certain someone. Who happens to be a she. I like her, a whole, whole lot… I wanna be with her, a whole… whole… lot…
I know. Most ponies… I don’t think they’d understand. It’d just be Rainbow Dash, trying to explain something out of her element, since all she knows about is racing and running her mouth off. Which, well… is true, I guess. I definitely ain’t the brightest pony out there, not like that egghead Twilight, but…while I might not know much about much, I do know something or other about myself, you know? I just feel it… right there, deep inside of me. It’s there, in my heart, in my soul, telling me that… my skin’s too tight, my body’s too alien. That I’m supposed to be something different. That I’m not supposed to have these stupid girl parts… this aerodynamic, perfect body that cuts the body like a knife, shooting through the air, letting me even bring legend into life… and yet if that’s what I owe my victories too, being a girl, I… I’d give it all up to be a guy. To experience that. To feel like I’m in the right body instead of wearing some hot Pegasus lady’s skin.
You know what the worst part is? I like looking in the mirror. I like admiring my shape, my form, my curves… until I remember that I’m standing in front of a mirror, anyway, and that’s me looking back. Then I hate it… but god, do I ever wish sometimes that I could… I could trade this. I might even settle for an Earth Pony’s body… ain’t like they can’t still race, right? It wouldn’t be the same as shooting through the air, but feel… masculine, to feel that even if I’m not the best in the world, I’m at least real , then… that would be fantastic. And if I was a boy… I wouldn’t have to pretend that I didn’t… get feelings for her. That I didn’t want to be with her, I could tell her that I compete with her so much and so often because… it lets me be closer to her. And the thrill of when our bodies end up entangled…
But I’m not. I’m a chick. I’m a chick, in a stupid body, obsessed with winning stupid games because winning is my pleasure and my pain, my glory and my bane. Hey, I guess that rhymes, huh? You know what doesn’t rhyme, though? Rainbow Dash and the word ‘male.’ I guess that doesn’t make much sense but… these stupid emotions. I hate ‘em. In fact, more and more, I’m starting to hate anything that’s girly… sometimes I even think girls are weak, but… I know that’s just my anger talking. God, you know, sometimes it even feels like I have guy emotions: the first thing I wanna ever do is kick something or shout at something or drown my sorrows by flying through the air, the only place I’m comfortable anymore… except more and more, I’m starting to hate even that.
It’s like, as the hours and days pass since I first realized that… I think of myself as a guy, not a girl, that I wish I had a male body, instead of a female one… the craving for it gets worse. The need for it, gets worse. I’m more and more aware of ponies referring to me as female, and the subtle differences in how ponies treat guys and girls differently, even though we’re all supposed to be equal or something. Well, not so subtle in Rarity’s case, but I guess a proper lady and all doesn’t count, right?
What I’m saying is that… God, I’ve learned winning isn’t everything after all. What use to me is winning when I can’t enjoy it? I can’t even enjoy showers, or the feeling of the wind against my body anymore… even spending time with my friends is hard. Unless we’re doing something where I lose myself, or I’m with Applejack and my eyes are on her gorgeous green ones… all I can think of is that we’re all girls, doing girly things. And Spike, well… no offense to the little guy, but he’s not exactly brimming with masculinity.
Yeah. The greatest flyer in Equestria… but I’d trade it all to feel in place. I can just imagine it, leaving Ponyville, coming back a male. And I mean, yeah. No matter what, I’d still try and be the very best I could be… but somehow, it feels like… like it would have more meaning. I’d fit in better, I’d feel more confident. I wouldn’t have to pretend that I know all this girly gook and I could look at girls and not have other ponies stare at me when they realizing I’m checkin’ them out. I wouldn’t have to make excuses for myself anymore… I wouldn’t have to make excuses to myself anymore. I could just be me… that’s the real victory, isn’t it? That’s what we’re all after, right? A place, a time, a… something, where we can be ourselves.
Some days… I think I should tell my friends. See what they think. Some days I feel like if… I could just talk my feelings out with someone, this wouldn’t be so bad. But they all know me as loyal Rainbow Dash, brave to a fault, and… cocky to another fault. And that’s the only kind of cocky they know me for. And showing that I have… feelings, well… I mean… it would be awkward. Worse, I might say something to Applejack or about Applejack and… well… they already give us weird looks sometimes as it is, like they know I got secret feelings for her. And what if they tell me what… mom and dad told me? That I’m doing this to myself, like… like I have a choice in what I feel, in what I am!
I think that might just about kill me, and I’m not being a drama queen like Rarity. They tell me I’m the most loyal of all ponies, but… maybe it isn’t loyalty. Maybe it’s just clinginess, neediness. When everyone else’s eyes on me, I screw up. When their eyes are on me… I succeed. And not just because of my ego, either… it’s like being around them makes me stronger. I can’t risk that, I can’t lose that. And what about Applejack? She’s honest, pure, wonderful… what if she was disgusted by it? What if she realized all these games we’ve played are just so… I could feel… be… closer to her. I mean… that… that could be taken completely the wrong way and… oh god. It scares me. I don’t wanna think about it.
And I can live with this, right? I mean, I’ve been living with it this long? I’m a beautiful, talented, perfect female. My body is sculpted. My wings are strong. I’m built for speed, the most versatile thing in the sky, the fastest pony in all of Equestria. Why would I want to give that up for a male form, bulkier, larger. Bigger wings, better for moving that heavier body… more of a rectangular build, larger, more developed shoulders, strong, masculine, not… weak and effeminate… I mean… I mean, no. No. I can’t. Why am I even thinking this way? Why am I even trying, it can never happen. It will never happen… I’ll… never win the real prize. I’ll never win you over, Applejack, and I’ll never be… a real boy. No matter how I try, or talk, or act… I’ll never be a real boy…
I am a pretty little girl. I’m a pretty girl pony. There’s nothing wrong with me, from hoof to head and tail to wing. My body is fit as a fiddle, I’m spry as a bird, fast as lightning. I’m a beautiful young female, and nothing is wrong with that, nothing is wrong with me. Not a thing, not a single thing. There’s nothing at all wrong with me, I’m normal, and a girl, and I don’t have to be a boy. That’s just silly. That’s only something I’m torturing myself with. It doesn’t make sense… it… it doesn’t… it doesn’t… I’m a pretty, pretty girl… I’m a pretty little girl pony…
Six Broken Ponies: Mother Dearest
I love animals. They don’t judge you, they don’t do things without reason. They live in a way that’s pure, and that’s good, and connected harmoniously with the world around them. Even when the predator hunts and kills, there’s always a reason behind it. Not a rationalization like we ponies do… but instinct. True reason, dictated by nature, not solely by cold logic, nor by raw emotions… but a fluid mix of both, like that perfect shade that exists between light and darkness.
Yes… animals are wonderful, and they’re so much nicer than ponies. You don’t have to raise your voice to get their attention, and you don’t have to play their games just so they’ll listen to you. They aren’t complicated… and if you love and protect them, you know they’ll treat you the same way in return. Not at all like ponies… who you can never be sure of, never quite predict, never truly know…
Even my friends, well. I like them, I’m very fond of them, and it’s so very good that they’re always around for me, when I’m so weak, so useless, so helpless… when I’m little more than the chickens and the rabbits I care for. At least Angel always motivates me to get things done, and I can’t even do that for myself… but well, I get scared all the same. What if my friends don’t actually like me? What if, in their heart of hearts, they feel the same way about me… that I do…
I’ve always known that I was useless and worthless after all. Oh no, don’t get the wrong idea, it’s perfectly okay… mother always made sure I knew my place. She loved me… she loved me dearly, even though I was useless. Why, she spent all that money to send me off to Cloudsdale’s flight school, even though I’m such an awful flyer… and she spent all that money, to give me my own separate little residence. Isn’t that what you do when you love someone? You do things for them… you make sacrifices…
I think that’s the only sad thing about me being so worthless, so useless. My sacrifices are meaningless, because I don’t have much to give up… I mean, certainly if I’m so worthless, then my time is worthless, too. It’s why I’m always so willing to drop absolutely everything to help out a friend… because it’s just the absolute very least I can do for them, and whether they really like me or not, I do enjoy their company. They make me feel… a way mother never did, despite how much I know mother loved me, despite how hard mother was always telling me she tried… even as she sat there in her beautiful den, smoking her cigarettes, the… dead animals all around her…
Oh, I’m so sorry. I forgot myself, I apologize… I hope you’re not mad at me. I’m not worth it, after all… ponies sometimes get so upset with me, I see it in their eyes, and I really don’t always understand why. After all, a useless little thing like me… what’s the point? I’ve always felt that ponies should just ignore me when I get out of line…after all, that’s what mother did. Just tuned me out… just turned herself off. But she always loved me… why, she even bought that nice little cottage for me in Ponyville, didn’t she? That’s love… isn’t it?
And I’m happy there. Far away from everyone else… near the edge of the Everfree Forest. It’s where I belong, anyway… the outskirts of society, where I won’t get in everyone’s way, where I won’t ruin things and where if something happens, it won’t bother anyone else. No one needs to be bothered by my problems, after all… I’m useless. I’m worthless. I’m nothing… the only thing I’ve ever been able to do right is help the animals and take care of them. I love them so …
My friends are always there for me, taking care of me. They help me along every day, because I can never do anything myself, oh no. I’m far too weak and helpless, just like mother always said. And when my friends aren’t there, don’t have time for me, I’m always careful to be quiet and stay out of everyone’s way… it’s better for everyone that way after all, isn’t it? Oh, yes, yes it certainly is. No one needs worthless little Fluttershy underhoof…
Besides, as it is, they spend so much time and effort on taking care of me… which makes me feel both awful and wonderful at the same time. Awful, because I’m just so useless… wonderful, because it’s like they think I have value. They tell me such kind things… and at first, I thought they were mocking me, making fun of me. I would smile and pretend that I didn’t think their comments were satiric, or sarcastic, or false, because mother always told me that if ponies were telling me that I had value, they were lying, and they were only interested in making me do something for them, eventually milking some debt out of me. Mother said she loved me even though I was nothing but a terrible drain on her… mother told me she wanted to protect me. That’s why I was never allowed to leave the house… that’s why I was sent away to Cloudsdale. That’s why mother has always nurtured me and done everything for me…
And yet… was mother wrong about ponies? My friends… they say things that sound honest. I don’t know how they could be telling the truth, when I’m useless, when I have no value whatsoever, when I can’t ever do anything right… but they all tell me such kind things. They all share with me… they all seem to love me, even if just a little. Yet all the same, I’m wary of them. What if mother is right? How could anyone care about a worthless, useless failure like myself? All I can do is look out for animals that can do perfectly well looking out for themselves if they can… the lesser beings, the little beings. Even taking care of little fillies was too hard for me, and I almost got them all killed. It was all my fault… all my mistake. Mother would have been so upset with me… she would have had to punish me.
Mother hated punishing me, but she had to do it often, you know. To make sure that I understood I couldn’t do anything right, to make sure I knew my place, and didn’t put too much faith in the world around me. She always told me it was because she loved me, and wanted to protect me. She told me I was a mistake, but she was going to be responsible, and take care of me. She always cradled me in her arms, even when she had to punish me… and even though I was useless, she taught me to punish myself, because she knew that I would make mistakes when she wasn’t around.
She called them the marks of shame. She said they were meant to be felt, but not seen… to always be a reminder that I’m worthless, and of what happens when I try too hard to be something I can never be, something other than a mistake, than a failure. She told me to never, ever let other ponies see, because in public, a pony must always appear to be in control, and must maintain a cultured demeanor, even a failure like me. The marks are always made in places where it’s hard to see, and where ponies aren’t supposed to look… inner legs, under the body, the secret, primitive places. Mother told me it’s like this for everypony, but you never discuss it, and you never show it. She used to do it for me, until I was old enough to handle the knives and the razors and the tools and do it myself. She told me it was all a part of growing up, and she had to teach me to do it… because she loved me. Even though I was a mistake, a failure… she loved me, and she had to teach me to make things right.
The pain doesn’t bother me as much anymore… and since mother told me it is very important I never, ever talk about these things, I can only assume that means I have to make more marks of shame whenever I make a mistake, whenever I show how worthless or useless I am… but in a part of me, a scary, deep part of me, I hope that it means I’m not just learning, but maybe… getting better. Maybe this is why we make these marks… so that one day, the pain fades completely, and maybe on that day, we don’t have to make any more, disturb those wounds, let the scars heal and leave only their overgrowing trails and stretched white shadows behind. I can hope, anyway, that maybe one day I won’t be worthless or useless… my friends tell me I’m not. My friends care for me so much… and I feel so awful I can’t do more for them all.
And sometimes… I wonder if they’re just like me. What scars they have, hidden under their bodies… what shame they carry. It’s improper, but I wonder all the same, even though I have to punish myself every time I think these thoughts. I wish I could help them carry their burdens… I know they all have deep shadows, after all. Mother taught me to see that there was bad in everything, not only good, after all… mother taught me that there’s a darkness in all of us, and we have to learn to suppress it, but I wonder if my friends had as good a mother as I did. She loved me so much. She protected me… even that one time, when I… made such an awful mistake. When I thought I’d done a good thing for her, made her a birthday card, and she told me I had just failed again… she had come to punish me, and I should have lain there and allowed it to absolve me of my failure, and yet I lashed out, so angry… because even inside me, there’s darkness. There’s part of me that feels… alien, extreme. I would call it animal, but animals live by instinct and nature and always do what they have to, in order to survive… why would I fight my own mother, why would I want to lash out so savagely? I have to be punished. I’m a bad girl. I’m a worthless pony. I have to learn my lessons if I want to live in this cruel, cold world.
Mother keeps promising to visit. She writes me letters now and then, and I always respond. She tells me when I don’t write back quick enough, and she’s kind enough to remind me of my mistakes when I make them, so I know better when to punish myself. She’s always looking out for me, and she loves me dearly, and I’m very glad for it. She warns me not to trust my friends too much, just in case… and I’m careful to heed her advice. I’m not very smart, after all… mother makes sure to remind me of that, too. So I remember my place, so she can better protect me, of course… so she can keep me safe from the evils of the world. She always reminds me that no matter how much someone can seem to care about you… they can turn on you in a moment. Except for her, of course… she taught me everything. She loves me, even though I’m worthless. She takes care of me, sacrificing so much for me… for worthless, little me…
But what if she’s wrong about them… sometimes… I think she might be, but the punishment I have to give myself for that is always much worse than the punishment I have to give myself for impure thoughts, when I wonder about what shadows and shames and burdens my friends carry and wear. Yet… I wonder all the same… although I never question that I am worthless, I’ve learned that as fact, still… why do they care? Why does it seem like they honestly like me… they even… love me. Why does it seem like they look out for me… no matter what happens, why do they feel that I have… value… when the opposite is so true?
Still… even if they do care about me… even if, for some strange reason, they even think that I’m… worth something… it doesn’t change anything. I’m worthless, and useless, and can’t do a single thing right. That will never change… and you can’t trust anyone, except for the animals that wear their hearts on their sleeve… and mother, of course. Mother loves me.
Mother loves me. Mother watches out for me. Mother is the only person I can trust. I love her. I have to punish myself now… I’ve been thinking evil thoughts, and mother would want me to make sure I punish myself for it. Yes… it’s time for the worthless pony to remind herself of her place… just like my mother would want me to, so the world can’t hurt me… because mother loves me… mother protects me… and mother knows best.
Six Broken Ponies: Aspirations
Diamonds, pearls, so many other gemstones… they come from coals, and rocks, and ugly, filthy, dirty sources. But under pressure, they harden and become crystalline with the passage of enough years and after applying enough force. No diamond is born a diamond… it begins life as nothing but a lump of coal.
Ponies are of the same mold: we are born into this world without etiquette, nothing but crying, whimpering little bundles without any knowledge of being proper, neat, or polite. It is only through years of tedious work that we can achieve dignity and respect… and escape the shameful process of our birth and often, the even-worse days of our childhood.
Oh, no. I’m not saying that I lived a bad life, au contraire: I know that I have been fortunate. Yet all my life has been a struggle to become something more, something… greater. Even from a very young age, I longed to be part of the upper class, felt that I was destined for nobility, for something… special. I knew that I was to be part of a world of glitz and glamour, and I deserved it. I deserved it, with how hard I worked, refining myself over days and weeks and months and years from my humble beginnings into what I am today.
I own my own fashion boutique, I specialize in magnificent dresses for equally-magnificent clients, my list of clientele stretches all over Equestria, from Manehattan to Canterlot itself, and I have been listed as an up-and-comer upon the fashion scene in countless magazines. Yet… something always holds me back. Something holds me down in Ponyville, despite everything… keeps me from achieving the very heights of my potential.
Perhaps it is my roots… not the roots here, but my background, my family, I do not know. Simple ponies… not fashionable or glamorous ponies… perhaps even a little poor. Maybe that’s why I was always so fascinated with the fashion magazines… my life growing up in Ponyville, in hinted squalor, before my sister Sweetie Belle was born. Rarity, the special little girl, with her parents who were out of fashion even before disco came along.
I did not like being poor. I did not like being unfashionable and uncouth. And yet my parents… did not seem to mind it, for some reason or another. They lived happily, they shared generously, they did not seem to understand nor care about the fact that they were giving away more than they had often earned or that they were living in a distinct lack of abundance. I, for one, found a deep appreciation in the value of money and gemstones… and moreover, my low station in life drove me all the harder to becoming what I am today.
Yes, I am part of the beautiful world, I am one of the beautiful ponies, and I love the way that so many others look to me for my superior knowledge of fashion and poise. It is exactly the world I’ve always wanted to be in, it is. There’s… absolutely nothing at all wrong with everything around me, and I’m very proud of myself. I’m… always… so proud…
Oh… why lie? Why bother anymore, I can’t lie to myself, so why should I keep up this façade with others? I understand that sometimes I can be overdramatic – it’s all part of my special charm – but even I hold some things in, you know, and to admit to everyone else that maybe after all these years, I was wrong… oh, I couldn’t stand the indignity and the embarrassment, it would ruin me.
At first, it was wonderful… but then, more and more, I started to realize something, as I sat in on this fashion world. It was that the same kinds of people always got to be the most famous… bossy, and more importantly, those who had money and connections, and lots of both. They surrounded themselves with a following of idolaters and fanatics, and they became a voice in the fashion world, they preened so arrogantly and with such pride that it began to seem like yes, absolutely anything they say or do, why, it must be the nouveau high fashion!
The glitz, the glamour… more and more, I began to see it was nothing but… crepe paper and glitter. The ‘geniuses’ of our time were nothing but pedantic, bossy little children who stole the best ideas of their own sycophants and claimed it for their own. But I was determined all the same to climb to the pinnacle of the fashion world, I knew it was my destiny, and I would… I would do it the right way, using my own fashion designs, never giving in to temptation, making more than enough money to pay for even the most posh and trendy materials while spreading a reputation throughout Equestria as the greatest designer this side of the world!
And yet, every time eyes began to draw upon me from near and far… the short attention span of the fashion world would kick in, and it would be immediately back to some new hotshot designer, or one of the popular – and rich, need I say rich? – icons of our time. To their fantastic fashion shows populated by the best audience money can buy… money, money, money, that’s what life’s all about. Money, and popularity… it’s what gives you power in the fashion world. And power is what gives you respect… and above all, oh, I want their respect…
I’ve done my time, trudging through the mud and filth, eating moldy hay and bruised apples. I deserve more, I deserve much better! And yet… yet… how it hurts, when I look back on those old times. Mother and father… smiling. Sweetie Belle, my little sister, is always happy with them, they treat her so very well… they treated me so well, yet I moved out to my own boutique the moment I scrounged together the money, even… even though much of it was generously given to me – not loaned, given – by my parents.
What… what a lack of business sense they have, right? What… oh, Rarity. What a low thing to say, you’re as bad as those leeches you admire. Isn’t that what I’ve always wanted to be, though? Beautiful outside, a shining star of beauty wrapped in expensive fabrics and glittering gemstones… and yet all that glitters is not gold when you gaze into its revolting interior. Oh, how I’ve come to understand that so well… too well, as a matter of fact.
But I’ve come too far to give up now. I have to make it to the top of the pyramid, the apex of the temple of fashion, the high throne on the tottering tower of the sparkling world of high design… I have to, I will, I must! Otherwise, I’ll have to admit that I was wrong about everything, and go back to… peddling dresses and costume jewelry for the common folk of Ponyville, giving up all those fabulous clients. Those fabulous, rich clients I’ve gone to the very ends of the earth for, who… argued, of course, for low prices, and I had no real choice but to agree… who… sometimes returned my outfits, demanding a full refund, for a sequin that was out of place, or a missing button that was obviously torn off, or a glitch in a gemstone pattern. And who often don’t pay me until the very last second or… well… at all.
They recommend me, though, to their friends, to their high-standing associates… and that helps even it out, doesn’t it? More work, my name spread through famous channels, more people coming to little, out-of-the-way Ponyville to visit my flourishing boutique! And even if… I have to take out loans, and mother and father have to help me pay off the rent and the interest now and then, I’m… I’m on my way! I’m so far on my way… I’m a true fashionista, with great aspirations that will soon become reality, and then everyone will see when I move to Canterlot, away from this tiny little mud-speck of a town and… and… I…
I don’t know. A lady should never be unsure, and yet I am. I feel like I’m sitting at a table in a gambling parlor, so deep in the hole that the only thing I can do is hope for a wild winning hand that lets me break even… begging, praying, for that perfect twenty-one in blackjack that signals the once-in-a-lifetime defeat of the house in favor of the player. It has to be my destiny, doesn’t it? And yes, I’m in debt to the banks, I’m behind on my bills, but… if I only sell one or two more outfits, it’ll all be worthwhile. It’s my own fault, really. I’m too generous, too trusting, but… it’s not like there’s a lot that can be done, either. If I say no to these very powerful people, I’m putting my entire future at risk, and exposure and publicity is worth the cost, isn’t it? I already lost one rich client asking for payment up front… they know I’m no important designer yet, just some backwater hick in a little village that’s barely on the map, and that I’m so desperate that one sale could make or break me. I just… have to trust in this fake world. This glimmering, glitzy world… at least part of it has to be real, right? There has to be some trust, some honor, some integrity…
And some days, when I’m sitting in my boutique after closing, looking out the window… sometimes I see Sweetie Belle, or my parents. Sometimes I see Rainbow Dash, who lives in the clouds and doesn’t have to worry about bills, probably the most carefree of us all… or Twilight, who calls the library her home. Or Applejack… probably the poorest of us all, and yet she seems… happy on that farm, out there. Just like my parents were happy in their dedicated squalor…
And here I live in an ivory tower, a gilded golden cage… debts ever piling up higher on my head, trying desperately to put my faith into a world I know is make-believe, its glamorous buildings nothing but painted cardboard, its wide streets nothing but twinkling garbage, plastic and candy wrappers. I look around me, and the other people walking down that path are all wearing blindfolds and halters that are tied to ugly carriages of steel, upon which stand the titans of the fashion world… and yet all they are, are lazy, pedantic thieves, stealing from each other as they scream through microphones, eagerly tearing through trends like wolves through the forest.
My pride won’t let me stop, though. Not until I reach the end of the path, until I climb the hill, and finally reach that golden castle in the distance. And maybe, just maybe, it’ll be real gold… and the real ponies that live in it will accept me into their midst and raise me to the level of fashion savior, and I’ll be rich, and famous, and happy, and with my money and my reputation I’ll… I’ll… pay off my debts and… then…
Then what? Always… the first thing that comes to mind is give the money to my parents, or… my friends. Share it with them… give it to them. Why don’t I think of caviar and catnip, of gold and gemstones, of building a vast boutique in Canterlot and an even bigger mansion? Why is it, that in my heart of hearts, I hear myself saying these things and yet never believe it… never believe I’ll make it, never believe that even if I did get the chance… no. No, no, no, this is merely… foolishness talking. Perhaps I’m tired, yes… that must be it. There’s so much out there for me… I’m so close to achieving my dreams.
My dreams, all mine… all my hopes, my fantasies. The world looks bleak right now, but… I’m sure it’ll change. I’m sure it’ll truly be a world of riches, fantasies, and glamour. I’m sure all I have to do is keep pressing forwards, and one day, I’ll be one of the best of the best, living with people who… are better for me. In a place that’s… that is better for me. Yes. Of course… everything will be… better.
I am a shining star in the world of fashion, destined for the top, the very apex of the glorious world of modeling and design. I’ll be a mover and shaker, a genius, I’ll achieve my dreams, pay off my debts, and be rich and famous. I’ll do it all myself, and nothing else will ever stop me… I’ll do it all myself, for myself, and I don’t need Ponyville… I need Canterlot. I will reach Canterlot. And I’ll be famous, I’ll be respected, I’ll be loved…
Six Broken Ponies: Faithfulness
I used to think that friendship was unnecessary, that it only got in the way of things. Sure, I understood the purpose of having a good study partner, or of having multiple people working on a research project in tandem as part of a team. But friendship, well. I didn’t see the point of socializing, especially not outside a work environment, especially beyond what was necessary when it served no obvious purpose.
Even my assistant I failed to look at and treat as a friend. Our relationship was simple and businesslike at almost all times, even if he would be kinder to me than I required and would sometimes attempt conversation outside of what I requested. I did not understand this was friendship. It wasn’t until I came to Ponyville and met my five wonderful and now very close friends, that I really began to understand what friendship is, and what it means.
Princess Celestia assigned me to study the magic of friendship, and I’ve done so with great vigor… and admittedly, allowed myself to relax and have fun along the way. Yes, sometimes I take my studies more seriously than I do my friendships: it’s a bad habit, just like the fact that I have a tendency to try and… schedule everything down to the minute, how I obsess and become anxious over the smallest, strangest divots in life… but I am learning. I am trying. And funny as it sounds, I’m getting better, little by little.
A lesson I’ve learned is that friendship isn’t just about the good, though… it’s about the bad, too. It’s about trusting others, and knowing that they may hurt you, even unintentionally. It’s about sharing yourself with others, even parts of yourself that you know are scary, or that they may not entirely comprehend. It’s about making yourself vulnerable, and exposing your deepest, darkest self… it’s about a lot of things that many ponies don’t understand themselves.
I think I understand why I’m here, learning about friendship. And I know I’m lucky to: because more and more, I’ve come to realize that not a lot of ponies… really understand friendship themselves. It’s about give and take: it’s about doing for others, and letting others do things for us, too. And it’s not just about fun and warmth, but responsibility… and I take my responsibilities very, very seriously.
And lately… it seems like there’s something wrong with everypony around me. I mean, it’s not like I’m without flaw myself: anxiety, constantly worrying about the Princess and what she thinks of me, always wanting to be better, strive harder, obsessing constantly about my studying and my work. But I’ve learned that… my friends come before even that. Strange for me to say, maybe, and I guess in a way it’s cheating a little, since I’m supposed to be studying the magic of friendship anyway. Still, though, it’s the honest truth. My friends come first, before everything else… I think, before even myself these days.
Funny, huh? I used to be so self-absorbed… now, I can’t live without these ponies in my life. I honestly, really can’t. Even though I’m training under Celestia herself and entrusted with an important research project and the Elements of Harmony, I had a wonderful childhood under doting parents, and I’m close friends with Luna, Princess of the Night… I couldn’t have done any of it, I wouldn’t be where I am today without my friends. All my magic means nothing without my friends… all my strength, my position, my everything. I’m… I’ve become very, very dependent on them.
I get anxious when I’m by myself, which is rare, thankfully… Spike’s often around, and now he’s more like a little brother than just my number one assistant these days. And there’s always another pony or two, too, who I can meet up with and talk to, and I’m getting to know the other ponies of Ponyville better with each day that passes. Of course… they’ll probably never be as close to me or as important to me as my five friends. My ‘mane’ friends. You get it? Okay, okay, it’s a bad pun, I know.
But… but something’s wrong. Lately, more and more, I look at them… and I’m not seeing the good side of friendship right now. Pinkie Pie’s bouncy as ever and smiling so much, but her smiles… she seems so strained, and she seems desperate for attention, even more than usual. Applejack’s been leaving on ‘business’ more often lately, and she’s been depressed, hard as she tries to hide it. But you can see it in the way she stands… and the way she refuses to meet anyone’s eyes, like she’s ashamed of something.
Rainbow’s almost the same way, and… she’s not flying as much anymore. She’s on her hooves a lot, or standing on the clouds. Just standing there in the sky, not flying, not throwing herself into wild dives and stunts. And Fluttershy… god, poor Fluttershy. The other day, I was looking for a book in the library when she was helping me clean up, and I was examining the lower shelves… and when I happened to look up, just a little, I saw… awful cuts all over her underside, hidden by her legs. I kept telling myself at first they might have been from… I don’t know, anything but what I knew they had to have been from. But they were all straight, short cuts…
Even Rarity. She’s been… scornful, almost. Haughty, almost trying to separate from us, spending a lot of time in her boutique… but I see her so often, sitting in the window, staring out at us or up at the sky like she’s waiting for something or, more likely, praying for something. I’m worried about them all, and I don’t know what to do… I wrote to the Princess, asking for advice, but Princess Celestia only told me it was something I would have to figure out for myself. To think of it like a test… except tests you can study for, and don’t put your friends’ lives on the line.
Okay, maybe that’s… a little harsh. But sometimes it seems that way, like one wrong move and everything we’ve built will come crashing down on top of us. It just struck me as… callous, almost. Or maybe the Princess knows what she’s talking about… I’m not sure anymore. Yet she’s right, I can’t deny that… my friends’ problems are my problems. That’s part of what being a friend is all about…
Yeah… that’s right. Sharing your problems and your burdens as well as everything else. That’s what being a friend is all about. But maybe they’re all just afraid to, and need a little nudge. I’d… I really want to help them. From the bottom of my heart I want to help them, I just need to figure out how, but maybe the solution is so simple that I’m just overstepping it all. Maybe I should just… invite them all here. To talk things out… give us all a chance to talk to each other and… see what happens.
We’d be exposed, and vulnerable… and I can just imagine though, how hard that would be. Fluttershy is always so, well, shy… Rainbow Dash refuses to admit she has feelings and Applejack’s proud and responsible… Pinkie, well. Good luck even getting her to sit still for five minutes. And Rarity can’t stand to seem undignified for even a moment. And me, well… somehow, at some point… I was made the leader of our little group. It just happened, naturally, even though they were all the ones who had to save me. Even today I can’t say I entirely understand it, how it happened, or even why it happened. I only know that it happened… they look to me for advice, they talk to me about things that are going on, they almost… look up to me. Yet I’m always their friend first… I’ll always be their friend first.
And god knows I’m as messed up as they are, at least… then again, maybe I’m not. Maybe I’m the lucky one… who knows what’s wrong with them, after all? It could be something awful… or maybe, maybe they don’t want to be friends anymore. Maybe they don’t feel that way or… no, no, no. That’s anxiety talking. That’s the obsession with picking apart every little piece of every little thing, of… overanalyzing the smallest little details and ballooning it out of proportion into something horrible. This isn’t about you, Twilight Sparkle. This is about them… about their problems. And you’ll feel a thousand times better yourself, all that anxiety will be washed away in an instant, if only you can figure out a way to aid them, even if you at least give them a place to safely vent with one another.
They mean so much to me. So much more than they can ever understand… I’m sometimes scared, even, of what I’d do to keep them as my friends. Of what I’d do to stop our friendship from being torn apart… of the things I’d do to preserve it. I love them all, dearly, dearly… and I would stop at nothing to get them what they wanted, to save them, even from themselves. They mean as much to me as Princess Celestia does, and Celestia was once my entire world. I guess that’s no surprise, though… my parents were good people, but they were… bland. They were… my parents. I care for them, and I know they care for me, and I feel safe in my home… but… Celestia was always exotic, wise, powerful, and beautiful. Almost as beautiful as Princess Luna…
Celestia is my idol, still, but… now I have friends, who aren’t so distant, who don’t come across as so… different from me, among other things. I can’t imagine myself being ‘friends’ with her, so to speak, because… I look up to her so much. Idolize her so much… see her as something so very, very far above me. It’s funny, isn’t it? I respect her so deeply she can’t be my friend… even if I’d like her to be. Even if I dream of that, but I don’t know if I could ever earn my place as her equal… but Princess Luna, is not as unreachable. Not as… distant, on as elevated a plane. I still respect her, adore her, find her… gorgeous… but it was so… different with her. When Luna looked at me, spoke to me, it was… it was strange. There was… the spark. That same spark I felt back in the Castle of the Pony Sisters, when we were retrieving the Elements of Harmony… when I first realized how important my friends were to me…
That’s right, isn’t it? We were all connected from the start… no, even from before then. From long before then, since we were foals, since we all saw the same rainbow in the sky, heard that same mighty blast as Rainbow Dash performed the sonic rainboom… I understand now. I understand all too well, that we really are all connected. I think I’m finally starting to clearly see, to clearly know what to do. It’s all just a matter of sitting down… and letting your thoughts, your instincts, your heart find its way. Of recognizing the value of your friends… and that even when you’re scared and alone… learning they’ll be there for you. Learning to let them be there for you. Learning that true friends never turn their back on one-another.
So I think my course is set. I think I know what I have to do… come hell or high water, even if the sun falls from the sky or the stars blink out of existence, I need to bring my friends together, and bring this all to a head. I need to tackle this before it gets any worse, make them understand their value to one another, that they don’t have to be afraid, no matter how dark or desperate things are. That we’re there for one another, and we’ll never stop being there for one another, no matter what happens. That friendship is an honor, a privilege… and a great responsibility.
I think, when all this is over, I’ll have a long letter to write Princess Celestia. I only hope that I don’t disappoint her… and more importantly, I only hope I’m able to help my friends with their problems. Because a real friend is there to help you through the bad times, not just the good. And I am a real friend.
Six Broken Ponies: Catharsis
Twilight Sparkle stood impatiently in the library, the violet unicorn tapping one hoof against the floor as she tossed her bluish-purple mane, flicking it out of her eyes. It settled slowly over her back, the streaks of dark purple and brighter pink glinting in the beautiful locks as her violet eyes almost sizzled, her horn standing tall and proud through her bangs as she muttered: “Come on, come on.”
She fidgeted on the spot, her tail twisting to the side – it was the same color as her mane, down to the same two stripes of purple and pink that ran through it – and almost slapping against her flank, beside the cutie mark that adorned her hip: a symbol of a reddish, six pointed star surrounded by motes of light. She had worked hard to find a time when everyone could show up, and she knew it wasn’t guaranteed… more and more, after all, her friends had been late, or simply had stopped showing up when they had plans, part of what had been worrying her for the last while: part of why she had called this gathering.
Then she sighed in relief as the door finally opened… and looking both confused and apprehensive, five mares made their way through: a unicorn, two Pegasi, and two earth ponies, their eyes settling on Twilight as she smiled back and forth at them as the last to come through the door asked dubiously, her cowboy hat slightly askew over her blonde-haired head: “Now, Twilight, what’s this all about?”
“Sit down, everypony, and I’ll explain.” Twilight said kindly, and the others looked curiously at the pillows strewn over the floor. The white, posh-looking unicorn pouted a little, and Twilight sighed, rolling her eyes and flicking her head as her horn shimmered, and a moment later, the pillow nearest the newly-arrived unicorn glowed with the same aura before rapidly expanding, and the female gave a pleased little mare as she comfortably settled herself onto this with a sigh of relaxation, curling her hooves beneath her ivory form, her purple, corkscrewed mane and tail both flicking as her sapphire eyes smiled over at Twilight, as bright as the cutie mark of sparkling gemstones on her flank. “Okay. Everyone comfy?”
“I sure am!” Pinkie Pie exclaimed, smiling and bouncing a bit on her pillow: pink from head-to-hoof, with a bubblegum mane and bright blue eyes, she beamed across at the unicorn as her messy mane and tail snapped up and down with every leap, the blue and yellow party-balloons cutie mark on her hip seeming to ripple with each movement. “Oh boy, I’ve been wanting to hang out with you all for so long, I’ve missed this so much, oh boy!”
“Calm down now, sugar cube, it sounds like Twilight had something serious on her mind, remember?” the blonde earth pony pointed out, before she smiled hesitantly at the purple mare, her green eyes betraying a strange nervousness as they flicked towards the unicorn’s… but never entirely rose to meet them.
Her coat was goldenrod, and her straw-blonde mane was pulled back into a tight ponytail, with her tail braided as well, a cutie mark of three apples on her flank: Applejack, the most dependable pony in Ponyville. And on her other side, her magenta eyes focused on the mare beside her, a blue Pegasus rested with her front hooves up on the cushion, kneading it nervously.
Her mane and tail were rainbow-colored: appropriate, since her name was Rainbow Dash. Her wings were strong, and yet flicked nervously, as if they longed for the air but hadn’t been stretched properly as of late… and Twilight knew they hadn’t. She had seen Rainbow Dash walking, actually walking, more than once this week… instead of running around ,or easily gliding through the skies,where the Pegasus was even more at home than she was on the earth. On her hip was a cutie mark of a cloud releasing a rainbow-colored lightning bolt… but it had been a while since Rainbow Dash had proved she was as fast as lightning.
Last, but not least, Fluttershy was laying quietly on her pillow, the quiet Pegasus pony only looking inquisitive, her pink, swirled mane falling over her face in a natural, wide bang, her matching-colored tail flicking, her coat of sunshine yellow almost glimmering in the sunlight that shone in through the library windows. Her blue eyes blinked slowly, curiously, studying Twilight as the female’s eyes lingered on her for a moment, studying the cutie mark of pink butterflies on her hip… and then Twilight closed her eyes, taking a slow, deep breath, before she opened them and gazed silently over them all.
“Everyone…” Twilight began slowly, and then she paused and glanced towards the door, and it slammed shut firmly, making the others look up with surprise, Fluttershy releasing a small squeak. “We’ve got to have a little talk.”
Immediately, all five of the ponies present looked at her sharply, suspiciously, and Twilight smiled grimly as she looked around at them all, saying softly: “All of you… well, all of us… have been acting… a little odd this last while. It’s just been getting worse… and I think we need to… get this out of our systems. All of you… have come close to saying what’s on your minds. I know you all have, I know you all pretty well by this point. But you’re all scared, too. But whatever it is-”
“Maybe you should mind your own damn business, Twilight, it ain’t right to go poking into other people’s problems.” Applejack said sharply, and then she flushed a bit when Rainbow Dash looked at her nervously, shaking her head quickly and muttering: “Not… not that I have one, I mean, I…”
“Y-Yeah, me neither.” Rainbow added nervously, looking back and forth over the others… and Fluttershy blushed silently and looked down as Rarity bit her lower lip, and Pinkie Pie’s smile faded into a worried look. “We’re fine, right? I mean-”
“I’m not okay.” Twilight said quietly, and the five ponies looked up at her, even Applejack seeming surprised as Twilight sat back and closed her eyes, lowering her head and saying softly: “We all have problems, girls. But we’re friends… as close as friends can be, right? We’re supposed to share with each other…”
“Some things… it’s just not proper to share…” Fluttershy murmured embarrassedly, looking away before she whispered: “I’m sorry, I… spoke out of turn… I’m so rude…”
“Now stop that, hon, you ain’t rude at all.” Applejack said soothingly, then she glared at Twilight almost accusingly, adding sharply: “We are friends, and we are close, but you just can’t force stuff like this, it ain’t right. It just ain’t, ‘cause some things you gotta leave secret, and some things you can’t change or talk about, and what good does bringing it up do but-”
“But then at least it would be out there.” replied a quiet voice, and Twilight looked to the side in surprise to see it was Pinkie Pie that had spoken… but she was sitting quietly, her head bowed, seeming almost… faded, as her mane and tail drooped slightly, losing some of their natural bounce as Applejack halted in mid-rant. “You sound almost as scared as me, Applejack. But don’t you remember Discord? The only way we got past him was to support each other… to give to each other. Friendship… what is friendship, Twilight? What is it really? I’ve always wanted to know, I was just too afraid to ask.”
“Pinkie…” Twilight began quietly, looking as startled as the others… but then the pink pony only smiled faintly and shook her head, a tear dripping slowly down the pink pony’s cheek, rolling along it… and Twilight hesitated before she said slowly: “This… you don’t have to…”
“But I want to. For the longest time, I’ve wanted to… because you’re right. We have to get this out of our systems. We have to stop pretending, and lying, and acting like we’re the best of friends in a happy world, before it’s too late.” The earth pony smiled faintly as she glanced up and around at them all, another tear rolling silently down her other cheek, both quietly dripping to the floor. “You’re all my friends, right? I get scared… sometimes… that you aren’t.”
“What, don’t say that!” Rainbow Dash jumped up to her hooves, looking startled, and Pinkie glanced over at her silently, making the pale-blue mare flush as she looked down and muttered: “I… you can be… random and ditzy and… we make fun of you but… Pinkie, I know you’re definitely my friend. Remember all that fun we had with pranks that one time? Hell, between you and Gilda, I chose you, Pinkie Pie. Yeah, it helped that Gilda was a complete jerk but… still.”
She blushed a little, and Pinkie smiled a bit, raising her head slightly as a bit of the color seemed to come back to her, and Twilight said quietly: “You should have come and told me, Pinkie, I would have been thrilled to have you helping out. I… I know I can be short-tempered with you, but… I never… realized…”
“I know. I don’t blame you. I just… can’t stop myself. I try so hard to, but I can’t.” Pinkie said quietly, looking up at them silently. “These urges come over me and it’s like electricity, like my body’s being puppeted for me, like someone’s pulling all the strings… and… and…”
She looked down, closing her eyes tightly, then she whispered: “And there’s… voices. Things… that whisper to me. Someone awful, something awful… I feel it inside me, Twilight. I’ve always been scared of her… I’ve always been scared of myself. Because I already can’t control myself… what if I lose control of that part of me, too? That dark, dark part of me, it’s… it’s so scary. I can barely put into words what it wants to do to you all…”
She shivered and then hugged herself, whispering: “Maybe it’s better that you guys never knew. Better for me, I mean… never knew that I don’t choose to be this way, that there’s something wicked here, that I could… could hurt you all. I need you guys in my life, you’re my friends, but… Twilight’s right. Friends… real friends share. They don’t hold back because it’s easier. Because it doesn’t help… and god, what if I did lose control and you guys didn’t know? What if I… I hurt you? I’d hate myself. I’d hate myself forever and ever and ever and ever and a day, and… I couldn’t… I can’t stand the thought of…”
She clenched her eyes shut, sobbing once before she dropped her head forwards, tears flowing down her cheek… and then Applejack and Twilight were both beside her, hugging her fiercely, and Pinkie trembled, half-collapsing against the unicorn as they shushed her and comforted her, the almost-quarrel between the two forgotten as Rainbow looked down… and then, before she knew what she was doing, she laughed weakly and muttered: “You think you’re screwed up, Pinkie Pie? Well, I want to be a dude. I even think of myself as a male, not a female. How screwed up is that? I even have… a crush on this… one pony…”
“Rainbow, this ain’t no time for…” Applejack looked over her shoulder at her, and when Rainbow swallowed thickly, when their eyes locked, the pony’s words fell short as they stared at each other… and then she simply closed her eyes and whispered: “Oh, Rainbow, honey… I’m sorry.”
“What are you apologizing for? It’s… my fault. I’m screwed up somehow…” Rainbow muttered, shaking her head slowly… and then she looked up as Rarity shook her head vehemently and stood up, looking across at her and gritting her teeth, and Rainbow growled in return… but then stared in shock at what came next.
“Don’t you speak like that, Rainbow Dash, because if anyone here knows what it’s like to be a charlatan and a fraud, it’s me.” Rarity halted, then she walked forwards and shook her head slowly, murmuring: “Look at me, I chose to be that way, trying to live some… life of glamour and putting myself deeper into shame and debt for… for the respect of people I’ve come to hate. Don’t talk like that, Rainbow Dash, because you’re not a fake, you did nothing to yourself. And I say if you feel that way, truly… then at least I can never again force you into a silly dress.”
She stopped, then smiled faintly, then unicorn reaching a hoof up and stroking under Dash’s muzzle, making the blue Pegasus stare in shock. “We’re very different people, Rainbow Dash. But we are friends, are we not? All of us here are, connected by bonds that were there from the very beginning… I’m not saying I understand what it must be like for you, for any of you… but… Twilight is right. And maybe what we need is in this very room. Like it always was… like it always has been.”
Twilight smiled faintly at this as Pinkie opened her glimmering eyes, tears still falling from them, but a true, small smile bridging her muzzle for the first time in weeks… and then they glanced up as Fluttershy stood slowly, trembling a little before she whispered: “We all carry shame, don’t we? Mother always told me… that… that we had to punish ourselves for it… and that I would never have real friends because I was worthless. But… look at you. Talking so openly… sharing it instead of…”
Fluttershy closed her eyes… then she silently sat back and leaned backwards, flushing as she spread one lower leg back to expose her underbelly… and the welts of cuts and scars and maiming, as she turned her head away, mane falling over her face. “Mother told me… this is how we deal with our pain. Taught me to… punish myself-”
And Twilight and Applejack were both knocked sprawling as Pinkie Pie leapt away from them, tackling Fluttershy onto her back and making the Pegasus gasp as the pink pony glared down at her and shouted: “Then don’t you ever listen to her again, because we’re your friends! Every day I was worried that I didn’t have any too, but… but I do! We do! You’re not worthless, don’t you say that, don’t you ever say that…”
The mare collapsed on top of Fluttershy, burying her head against the side of her neck, and beginning to sob heavily again… and Rainbow Dash and Rarity dropped by her next, hugging the two fiercely as Applejack and Twilight scrambled forwards to do the same, the six clutching each other, tears streaming down their faces and mixing with the rainfall of one another’s sorrows and joys, misery and blossoming hope.
Finally, they broke apart, Pinkie embarrassedly pulling Fluttershy up to her hooves as she smiled weakly… and finally, Rainbow Dash glanced at Applejack, clearing her throat and saying awkwardly: “So… what’s your beef?”
“Oh, you know. I just want to sleep with my brother and I’ve been making money in Manehattan spreading my legs for rougher folk.” Applejack said finally, looking back and forth with a flush and a weak grin… and then she yelped in surprise when Rainbow Dash hit her hard across the face, gritting her teeth and stumbling to the side with a curse before the Pegasus tackled her firmly to the ground.
They scuffled for a few moments before they were finally dragged apart, Rainbow Dash cursing in Pinkie Pie and Fluttershy’s grip as Twilight yanked Applejack away with telekinetic force, flopping her down as she bled from the nose and mouth, hat laying crushed on the ground as she wiped slowly at her face as Rainbow shouted: “Dammit, Applejack, you’re better than that! What would you do that for? I love you, I don’t want to see you… I… I mean…”
She stumbled to a halt, dropping her head forwards and breathing hard, clenching her eyes shut as she trembled a little… and Applejack smiled faintly as she slowly climbed to her hooves and shook her head slowly, saying quietly: “Rainbow… boy or girl, you’re a dream come true. Ain’t like I ain’t given thought to it myself, you know. You and me together… I do like that idea. But… Big Mac, well…”
“That’s almost as screwed up as me wanting to be a boy.” Rainbow Dash muttered, and the two glared at each other… then finally laughed awkwardly and smiled hesitantly, before Rainbow suddenly lunged forwards and stole a quick, chaste kiss, making Applejack’s eyes widen before the Pegasus turned beet-red and lowered her head, muttering: “Don’t get used to that, though, I’m mad at you now. I didn’t even know that you’d… well…”
“Yeah, well… we can deal with those problems later.” Applejack said quietly, glancing awkwardly away before she looked over at Pinkie and Fluttershy, the two resting against one another. And then the female halted before her eyes roved to Twilight, giving her a silent apology as she asked quietly: “What… should we all do, though? We’re… we ain’t in pretty shape, any of us.”
Twilight looked quietly over the group, and then she said softly: “First of all… we need to be willing to talk openly and honestly with one another. We need to trust one another, remember that we’re all friends here, and that we do want to help each other…” Twilight stopped, then drew her eyes over the group, murmuring softly: “I’d do anything for you all. And I know that we can face any challenge together. But that’s exactly it: we need to work together. Just like we did to retrieve the Elements of Harmony… just like we did to defeat Discord. We brought down two of the mightiest enemies Equestria has ever faced; if we can deal with those outside forces, I know that together, we can deal with our own… internal problems, too.”
The other five nodded hesitantly, and Twilight studied them all before asking quietly: “Who wants to go first, then?”
“I will, because… my problems aren’t exactly the most extravagant.” Rarity smiled awkwardly, blushing a bit and stepping forwards as the ponies arranged themselves in a rough circle… and Twilight smiled softly as Rarity swallowed thickly, looking back and forth and saying quietly: “I always thought… I needed… money, and to be well-known in the fashion world to feel… comfortable. To feel like I had reached my destiny, and achieved something in life. But more and more… I feel like perhaps those weren’t simply pipe dreams, they… were nightmares.
“Oh, it looks so glamorous from the outside, yes. But the more I saw of it, the more I realized… that was far, far from the truth.” Rarity shook her head slowly, grimacing a bit and lowering her head forwards. “Now, standing here… I have to wonder whatever possessed me in the first place to want to continue with this charade despite knowing what… a terrible, awful mess that the fashion world has become. I want integrity, and I want originality, and I want to design beautiful clothes for beautiful ponies, not… continuously be cheated, and always find myself sinking ever deeper into debt because they don’t wish to honor their side of the bargain and know they have the clout to bully my shop around.” She stopped, then looked down and laughed quietly. “Besides, it isn’t like it’s going to be a problem or a choice much longer, anyway. The boutique is too far in debt… ‘tis but a matter of time, and I’ll have to sell it all off.”
“Well, hell, sugar cube, I don’t think any of us are about to let that happen.” Applejack said quietly, and she blushed a little as she glanced down and mumbled: “If… you don’t mind where most of the money came from… I got some cash I can give you.”
“Yeah, me too!” Rainbow Dash added enthusiastically, nodding firmly a few times. “And I can always make a little extra delivering packages… being the fastest flier in the sky has some advantages, you know.”
She smiled a bit as she jumped up, flapping her wings and hovering in the air for a few moments… and then she blushed and dropped quickly back down to her hooves, looking oddly embarrassed even as Fluttershy spoke up quietly: “I have some money I can offer too, Rarity… mother always gave me… quite a bit.” She stopped, looking down and closing her eyes as she murmured: “Money isn’t love, after all, is it?”
“No, it’s not. But we love you, Fluttershy, and we’ll really protect you, okay?” Pinkie Pie said quietly, hugging her tightly, and the sunshine-yellow Pegasus smiled faintly, closing her eyes and nodding firmly once as the pink pony glanced up, adding quietly: “Me too, though… and… this… this is awkward to ask, but… if someone helps me out at the store, makes sure I don’t… lose my lucidity, we can earn more that way. Mrs. Cake likes to take the day off now and then, after all, but I… I need a babysitter.”
She stopped and flushed a bit, and Rarity smiled faintly at this, saying quietly: “You’re too generous, Pinkie Pie… all of you are. I… I really can’t…”
“Yes you can.” Twilight said firmly, and Rarity blushed a bit as she smiled over at Pinkie Pie. “Pinkie, Rarity and I would be more than glad to watch out for you at the shop, and… I’ll start researching into this right away, too. I’m… Pinkie Pie, I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to be Twilight, I understand.” Pinkie smiled warmly at her, reaching up and brushing away her tears before she looked towards Rarity, saying quietly: “Besides, you’ll be doing us all a favor too. You’re a really good designer, Rarity… remember when you made those beautiful dresses for us? You’re always so generous… why don’t you let us be generous to you, too?”
“Generous… you wouldn’t say that, Pinkie Pie, if you knew some of the things I’ve done for this fame. Some of the… silly, awful thoughts I’ve had.” Rarity murmured, shaking her head with a quiet laugh… and then she blushed a bit when Pinkie lunged forwards and pressed their sides together, smiling faintly and closing her eyes.
“Not if you knew the kind of thoughts I have, Rarity. Besides, it’s not what we think that matters, it’s what we do, right?” She leaned back after a moment, gazing at the unicorn affectionately. “It’s not like I have a better use for any of my money, anyway, since I get all the sweets in the shop for free.”
The ivory unicorn smiled faintly, her sapphire irises glimmering brightly… and then she closed her eyes and bowed her head forwards, murmuring: “You truly are a wonderful friend, Pinkie Pie. Truly better than any of us deserve… and I feel that I should apologize too. None of us have treated you… fantastically. I think, in a way, we’re… all to blame for what’s happened to you, how you must feel and… I can only imagine how strong you must be to deal with this, and to… actually talk to us about this. To have been the first one to have spoken up when, well… we all should have been speaking up a lot sooner.”
“I don’t think it’s anyone’s fault, though… pride, and… well, fear.” Twilight looked back and forth over the group, her eyes soft as they gazed up at her quietly, Fluttershy silently rubbing at her stomach as Rainbow Dash and Applejack half-leaned against each other and Rarity and Pinkie Pie sat side-by-side. “And I think that despite how close we all are, we’re also all guilty of forgetting that we are all friends here. We have people inside this group we tend to look to first… we have… ways we got used to treating each other, and values we assigned based on personal preference, forgetting that every friend here should be important… that we’ve all been through a lot together, and we all have our strengths as well as… our weaknesses.”
“I’m glad you’re around, Twilight.” Pinkie smiled up at her, gazing at her quietly, and Rarity nodded after a moment with a faint flush on the unicorn’s features as Applejack smiled wanly and Rainbow Dash laughed a little, while Fluttershy only lowered her head… but her eyes stayed almost reverently on the violet mare. “I think we’d all be a whole lot worse without you.”
“I just push, that’s all. With how… weird everyone’s been acting, I knew if I dragged you all together, something had to give. I’m just glad that you had the courage to say what was on your mind, Pinkie, to start… this process.” Twilight said quietly, and Pinkie smiled and perked up a bit more before the violet unicorn’s eyes moved to Rarity. “I’ll help you organize out your expenses and debts after this. We’ll get it all taken care of tonight and paid tomorrow so the interest doesn’t build up anymore, I’m sure we can work it out. But you know, Rarity… if you know something’s bad for you…”
“I think I understand, Twilight…” Rarity glanced down with a blush, lowering her head and murmuring quietly: “I’ve come to understand it’s not about what I want… it’s about what I need. And what I really need are my friends… when I’m not attempting to drag my business into the high-fashion world, it does perfectly fine, after all. And I honestly don’t want to leave Ponyville. Not when you’re all here… not if it means leaving behind my family, too.”
“Family…” Fluttershy murmured quietly, and she nodded slowly and glanced up at Rarity, saying quietly: “You’re very lucky. They’re a little odd, but very nice people.”
“Yes… I think I learned that a little late, though.” Rarity smiled a little over at Fluttershy, and then she nodded and rose her head, saying firmly: “But all of you… it’s only proper that I do everything I can for all my friends as well. All of you have had such an awful time and here I am, blinded by my own greed… ‘tis most unladylike. It makes me feel just like those leeches from Canterlot, and if this is what it means to be some high-fashion designer, then I most certainly do not want to be one.”
The others shuffled awkwardly at this… and then Pinkie Pie looked up, saying quietly: “I get scared there’s no real way to fix me, though… I mean, I was sent away from the rock farm because I was so… different. Because of everything that was… wrong with me. And I can’t describe the voices or what’s in the mirror…”
She closed her eyes, shaking her head slowly as she shuddered a bit, and Twilight looked over at her softly before she walked forwards and touched her shoulder with a hoof, saying quietly: “I’ll help you, Pinkie. It may take a long time… but I know we can find an answer. And if friends are what you need to help you, then we’ll all be there for you, right?”
“Right.” Rainbow Dash nodded firmly, then she hesitated and looked down, lowering her head and murmuring: “Except… I think… I’m in the same boat as Pinkie. I… I mean, look at me.” She laughed awkwardly, standing up and flexing her body as she posed for a moment, but her expression was almost ashamed, almost contemptible, as she murmured: “Beautiful, perfect female form. Slender, lithe… and… I…”
She halted, lowering her head and trembling a little, and then she glanced up with a blush when Applejack wrapped a front leg around her shoulders and smiled faintly at her. “Come on now, Rainbow. Look around you, everyone’s screwed up here, this ain’t no place for shame… especially when you’re talking to the queen of it right here. I think… I think you’d make for a very handsome boy, though, if you want the honest truth. I already think you’re pretty… pretty handsome.”
She stopped, clearing her throat awkwardly as Rainbow glanced at her, blushing deeply… and then Applejack shook her head and added quietly: “Listen, Twilight. It ain’t that… I don’t wanna change, it ain’t that I don’t get what I’m doing is… ain’t the best thing, but… all the same, it’s a compulsion. D’you understand that? And I know it’s only gonna settle if I talk to Big Macintosh but… I don’t know if I can ever do that. I… he means… he’s so…”
Applejack lowered her head, closing her eyes… and then she looked up as Rainbow pressed against her side, murmuring softly to her: “We’ll figure it out, AJ, you and me together. But you’re better than-”
“But I ain’t!” Applejack said roughly, lowering her head and clenching her eyes shut. “I don’t get why everypony thinks I’m the greatest thing this side of Equestria, I really don’t. I just do my work and that’s what I do, and I ain’t… I ain’t interested in showboating to everyone or looking like the best of the best or being some role model! I gotta watch my steps all the time, ‘cause if I put one hoof down wrong, I get all kinds of people whispering about how I’m not the most responsible of ponies anymore and it just drives me crazy…”
“I think you’re the best thing in the world, AJ. You’re brave, and beautiful, and… strong and… well… real pretty…” Rainbow glanced over at her awkwardly, then she cleared her throat and looked away when Applejack gave her a soft look. “Well I… it’s true. So… so there.”
“Rainbow, you don’t count. You… got feelings for me, that’s different.” Applejack replied finally, and she blushed a little as she leaned down and gave Rainbow a quick kiss on the side of the neck, murmuring: “But thank you.”
Rainbow brightened visibly at this, her wings twitching as she straightened a little… and Twilight smiled faintly before her eyes finally roved to Fluttershy, who was quietly standing in the background, only watching them. Finally, Twilight approached her, and the female blushed quietly as she lowered her head, whispering: “I find… I feel… lightheaded. Like everything I believed in… might have been a lie. The punishments…”
“None of us have them, Fluttershy.” Twilight said gently, sitting back, exposing her underside as she rubbed a hoof down her body and looking quietly at the Pegasus… and Fluttershy nodded, lowering her head quietly as she flushed deeply before she closed her eyes. Twilight studied her for a few moments, and then the timid mare looked up almost pleadingly… and Twilight nodded after a moment as the others gathered around, leaning forwards and touching her shoulders quietly with her front hooves. “Just tell me what you want.”
“Yes, Fluttershy, we’re all here for you… to help you.” Rarity added quietly, and Rainbow Dash and Applejack both nodded as Pinkie Pie walked around the group and nuzzled her gently, the Pegasus smiling faintly as she nodded again. But she was still quiet and reserved, and when she opened her eyes again, they locked on Twilight.
Twilight looked back down at her, then she nodded slowly after a moment and said quietly: “Okay. Fluttershy, why don’t you stay here a minute… Rarity, if you go and get your accounting papers, I’ll be right over to help you. Pinkie, you’re free to wait for me if you want, we can spend the day together. Rainbow and Applejack, you… you two look like you can help each other most right now.”
The ponies looked around at them all, and then Rainbow Dash laughed a little, saying in a faintly-amused voice: “You’re such a control-freak, Twilight. But… I guess you’re right, huh? AJ, you… wanna come… with me?”
“Yeah. I think I do, Rainbow.” Applejack said softly, and she smiled a bit over at Twilight, saying quietly: “But we’ll all come back here later tonight, how about that? Now that it’s all out in the open, we can… take time, talk and think a little, come back here tonight and… maybe we’ll all be able to share a little more.”
Twilight nodded after a moment with a smile, and Rarity blushed a bit as she looked at her, saying quietly: “Thank you, Twilight. Honestly, thank you. You’re a good friend.”
“I’ll just wait outside… you’ll… come get me, right?” Pinkie Pie looked up with a faint smile, but when Twilight met her eyes and smiled comfortingly back, she relaxed slightly, nodding and looking relieved as Fluttershy blushed a bit. “Thanks… I… thank you.”
The ponies lingered a moment longer… then finally, they headed towards the door, Rainbow Dash and Applejack pressed almost side-to-side, followed by Rarity, and last, the strangely-lucid Pinkie Pie, who closed the door quietly behind herself… and then, alone at last, Twilight looked at Fluttershy, and Fluttershy silently strode over to the violet mare and curled herself almost like a foal against her, whispering: “I always thought my mother loved me, Twilight. I did. I want to believe that she did, but… these wounds… these punishments that none of you bear…”
“It’s going to be okay, Fluttershy.” Twilight hugged her instinctively, pulling her closer… and the Pegasus closed her eyes, curling up a bit against her, small and trembling and scared, in need of comfort she couldn’t find anywhere else. But being in Twilight’s embrace soothed her, her trembles beginning to die out as Twilight rocked quietly with her, her eyes closed as she murmured softly: “I won’t let anything happen to you. You’re a wonderful, beautiful pony, and I’m lucky to have you as a friend. We all are.”
“I think you’d make a wonderful mother, Twilight… you wouldn’t hurt me, or make me punish myself, or make anypony believe they were worthless…” Fluttershy curled tighter against her, whispering in a voice that was both craving and embarrassed: “Be my mother, Twilight. Just for a little while. Let me pretend…”
Twilight blushed quietly at this request, not answering with words… but instead, curling Fluttershy closer… and the Pegasus smiled radiantly as tears slipped down her cheeks, making herself small and tiny, more comfortable in Twilight’s grasp than she had ever been anywhere else as she breathed quietly in and out. For almost ten minutes, they sat like that… and finally, Fluttershy quietly looked up, then leaned up and kissed Twilight’s cheeks with an embarrassed murmur of: “I… I don’t want to go back home. Mother bought me that home…”
“Then you can stay here for now, Fluttershy, that’s fine.” Twilight replied gently, gazing quietly across at her as they both stood… and she smiled a bit as their eyes met, gazes lingering for a few moments before she added quietly: “Maybe you could even help me. Spike won’t be back until later, but it would be really nice if you could look for some texts… medical texts, and texts on pony psychology. I don’t think Pinkie Pie is unfixable… I don’t even think Rainbow Dash is unfixable.”
“You always have so much hope… it amazes me. It’s a wonderful quality.” Fluttershy said softly, lowering her head with a blush… and Twilight smiled a little, making the Pegasus’s heart flutter. “I’ll be glad to help out.”
“Thanks. I really appreciate that.” the violet unicorn reached up and gently brushed Fluttershy’s mane back, making her blush a bit, and Twilight offered a smile before she turned away and headed towards the door, calling over her shoulder: “Help yourself to anything around here, don’t be afraid… I’ll be back soon.”
Fluttershy only nodded, gazing radiantly after the female… and Twilight smiled as she faced towards the door, pushing it open and stepping outside to find Pinkie Pie sitting beside the doorway and gazing up at the clouds… and she smiled when she looked at Twilight, looking more like her normal and jovial self as she bounced a bit on her hooves and said eagerly: “So we’re really going to spend the day together, you and me?”
“Yes, Pinkie, we are.” Twilight said softly, and she smiled at her when Pinkie bounced towards her and gave her a quick hug before hopping away with a bright look over her shoulder. “I really do want to help you… I want to help everyone, but… I know that I’ve always been a little… short-tempered with you, Pinkie. And I feel like I can help you… I know it’ll be hard, but something inside me tells me this isn’t something impossible to fix.”
Pinkie Pie nodded a few times, skidding to a halt in front of Twilight and gazing at her warmly, their eyes meeting as she replied: “Twilight, you just saying that helps me a lot. Feeling so much more confident in the fact that I have friends… it really helps a lot. It really makes me want to smile, and smile honestly… it makes me want to sing but…” Pinkie blushed a bit as she lowered her head quickly. “I’ll… hold it in for now.”
Twilight only smiled, however, gesturing to Pinkie and saying quietly: “Well, you can at least hum then on the way to Rarity’s. I promise to be more patient, Pinkie Pie, I do.”
And Pinkie smiled brightly, nodding rapidly and beginning to hum a bright tune as she bounced along beside the violet unicorn as Twilight strode purposefully towards the boutique, her head proudly raised, a smile on the unicorn’s face.
Applejack and Rainbow Dash sat quietly together in an orchard, not talking much as they gazed down into a creek, side-by-side. Applejack’s roughed-up hat was discarded, and Rainbow was fidgeting back and forth, obviously not knowing what to say before Applejack glanced to the side and asked quietly: “So… you really don’t see me as just some… tramp now?”
“Nah. We… all make mistakes, AJ. I guess… I understand, in a weird way. It’s a physical thing, right? And you were… I mean, you…” She stopped, looking at her quietly for a few moments, and then she asked finally, almost blurting it out: “Why don’t you just go talk to Big Mac, anyway? It’s… screw what everyone else thinks. If you love him, you love him. No big deal.”
“No big deal? Sugar cube, he’s my brother!” Applejack retorted immediately, and the two glared at each other for a moment before she softened and glanced down, shaking her head quietly and murmuring: “Besides, I got… Apple Bloom to think about, too. What would it do to her… and worse yet, what if Big Mac said… was disgusted by it? What if he… he didn’t…”
She closed her eyes, shaking her head slowly… and Rainbow Dash stepped up beside her, reaching up to nudge her muzzle upwards and meeting her eyes as she said quietly: “AJ… it hurts me to say this, but… I really wanna see you happy, and… you gotta at least try, otherwise… you’re gonna be tortured like this forever. You’re never gonna find closure, so you gotta at least try. Hell, I didn’t think you were scared of anything…”
“But I am, I’m real scared.” Applejack murmured, closing her eyes and laughing faintly. “More scared than I’ve ever been, more scared than when we raced through the Everfree Forest to find the Elements of Harmony, more scared than when Discord tried to ruin our friendship and throw Equestria into chaos. Ain’t it a sin, Rainbow? Ain’t it wrong, on every level?”
“Yeah, well, I want to be a guy. Ain’t that even worse? At least you’ve got a lot of reasons to feel that way about Big Mac…” Rainbow Dash shook her head with a faint laugh, and Applejack swallowed a bit as she glanced up in surprise. “I mean, he’s always… there, isn’t he? And I know he does so much for you, and for your Granny… or watching Apple Bloom, or working all those acres of field by himself. He’s been wonderful to you. He’s big and strong and handsome… besides, since when do you care about sin and religion?”
“Since… I dunno. I was brought up mostly by Granny, and Granny’s always been the churchgoing sort, when she used to be able to go, anyway…” Applejack stopped, shaking her head slowly. “Maybe it’s that, maybe it’s just… bred into me, without me even knowing. Maybe I am scared of going to Hell for it, or maybe I’m just scared that if Big Mac says no, or I end up… disgusting him, driving him away… that’ll be Hell, Rainbow. Or maybe I'm scared he'll say 'yes,' and what the hell do I do then? I get that you can't help... the way you feel but... I... dammit Rainbow, I'm damned either way!”
Rainbow smiled a little at her, closing her eyes and nodding silently… and Applejack studied her quietly as she lowered her head a bit, breathing softly. Then the goldenrod mare smiled faintly, the earth pony stepping forwards and nuzzling her quietly as she whispered: “I’m sorry.”
“No, it… don’t be.”Rainbow replied gruffly, shaking her head quickly before she looked up at Applejack quietly. “I want you to be happy. But I… I do… care… I mean, I really like… I… you’re… special to me.”
She stopped, looking lamely at her, and then she shook her head quickly and laughed awkwardly, glancing off to the side. “Life’s a pain, isn’t it? I just wish… everything could work out right. Everything could be different. God, AJ, I’d do anything for you. I would. And I don’t think there’s… I don’t think there’s anything at all wrong with you.”
Applejack blushed quietly at this as Rainbow lowered her head, and then she slipped closer, pressing their flanks together as they rested side-by-side, Rainbow letting herself half-fall against the earth pony as Applejack murmured: “And I don’t think there’s a thing wrong with you, Rainbow. We both just got unlucky, I guess… but… maybe if we keep moving down this long dark tunnel, we’ll find some light somewhere, eventually. We… we always got each other, don’t we?”
“You’ll always have me, AJ. Always.” Rainbow murmured, closing her eyes and curling herself a bit closer… and the two smiled faintly as Applejack let her head rest overtop the blue Pegasus’s, their eyes closing as they rested quietly, comfortably together.
Finally, they parted, blushing a bit as they studied each other… and then Rainbow Dash smiled a little, saying quietly: “We better head back, right? Otherwise Twilight might start freaking out when things don’t go according to plan.”
“She can be a little touchy ‘bout that sort of thing, yeah, but at least she always means well.” Applejack replied with a bit of a smile of her own, and the two climbed to their hooves before they traded a short hug, the earth pony murmuring: “But we got all the time in the world afterwards to figure things out.”
For some reason, this gave Rainbow Dash the hope she wanted, as she gazed up softly at the beautiful mare… and then Applejack picked up her hat and pushed it back onto her head, and she gestured to the Pegasus as she began to walk into the field, and Rainbow quickly followed after her with a smile.
The walk back to the library felt too short, the two lingering for a moment outside to gaze at each other, and then trade a short embrace before they stepped inside… and found Twilight with Fluttershy cuddled up beside her on a cushion, gazing at her raptly as Pinkie Pie bounced happily on her other side, and Rarity stared in shock at the unicorn. “-can’t see how you managed that!”
“Oh, it’s just a matter of accounting for the differentials in the equation…” Twilight glanced up, then smiled at Applejack and Rainbow Dash as the two entered, looking curiously at the four. “Glad to see you two made it back. Have you eaten yet? I’m sure I’ve got some food around here somewhere…”
“I ain’t too hungry, thanks. But what’s all this, Rarity, you look like you just won the lottery or something.” Applejack tilted her head curiously as Rainbow Dash walked forwards to stand by Pinkie Pie, watching as the female bounced up and down but otherwise contained her eccentric bounciness surprisingly well.
Rarity glanced to Twilight, but the violet unicorn was already back writing, humming a little once more as her horn glowed and directed a quill expertly over the sheets, and the white unicorn replied warmly: “Twilight’s working out a payment plan for me… I don’t know how she did it, but she already reduced the payments I need for my boutique in half! I really… don’t know what to say, it’s like a miracle… I won’t have to take out another loan, and if I get an extension I don’t have to borrow money from anyone here-”
“Oh shucks, Rarity, we ain’t lending you the cash, we’re giving it to you.” Applejack said firmly, and Rarity blushed at this, looking surprised as the earth pony smiled at her and stepped forwards with a bit of a nod. “You’re neat and ordered and gosh-darn perfect all the time but… I still like you, Rarity, and you’re still my friend. I won’t stand by with a friend even in a little bit of need and… it’s a good use for some bad money. We’ll get your debts paid off in full tomorrow so they don’t start stacking up again. Would be a shame for Twilight to do all this work just to have you end up in debt again, after all.”
The ivory unicorn smiled a little… and then Twilight glanced up from the papers with a soft smile, saying quietly: “Well, Rarity’s agreed to let me help her with some of her spending habits, too… and I already sent out some letters to Canterlot as well, to classmates who might be interested in buying a dress or two from Rarity’s boutique. That way, after we pay off the initial bills, she’ll have possible customers coming in to give her money she can put towards next months’ bills… planning ahead is essential, after all.”
“Yes, well… if I was any good at dealing with the business aspect of the boutique, Twilight, I wouldn’t have been so far in debt to begin with.” Rarity replied, giving her a quietly-entertained look. “I’m a designer, not a mathematician.”
“Egghead.” Rainbow Dash muttered, but it was good-natured, and Twilight only rolled her eyes amusedly before she laid the quill down and straightened up, gazing affectionately around at the group.
They were gathered here again… they had shared their problems, their fears, their pains… and yet the feeling of their bond was tangibly-stronger for it. Twilight Sparkle gazed over her five friends, knowing they had many problems yet to face in the future… and yet she was confident they would rise to meet them all, as she asked quietly: “How’s everypony doing?”
“I feel… like the other-me’s gone back into the darkness for now. I feel a lot safer, safer than I have in weeks.” Pinkie Pie said warmly, nodding fervently as she looked back and forth. “And it’s… hard to keep myself tied down a little more, but the fact that I know you guys aren’t going to abandon me now… it makes me feel… it makes me feel a lot safer. It makes me feel like I don’t have to push so hard and it makes everything easier.”
“I’m scared as hell, but I’m gonna talk to Big Mac tomorrow, when I get a chance to.” Applejack stopped, glancing at Rainbow Dash and adding quietly: “And… I’d… really like it if you could come with me, Rainbow. And maybe you too, Twilight if… if you really ain’t disgusted by me.”
“I’m not, Applejack. Not at all.” Twilight said softly, gazing at her quietly, before she glanced at Rainbow Dash as the Pegasus blushed and nodded, pawing a hoof at the ground slowly. “Rainbow, I… I was thinking about when I gave Rarity wings. That was from a family of spells called ‘polymorphic transfigurations.’ If you’re okay with it… I’d like to ask Princess Celestia if she can send any other spells along this line to me. I can’t promise you anything… at most I can tell you that maybe I can make you for maybe a little while, I can… change your… you know. But I could let you experience that and if… if it really feels right to you… we’ll figure out how to give you just what you need.”
Rainbow looked up with a deep blush, trembling a bit… but the others were gazing at her with kindness, with affection… and then Applejack wrapped one of her front legs around her shoulders and squeezed her gently, and she lowered her head and whispered: “Thank you, Twilight… and… thank all of you, you guys. Talking about this… it’s really, really hard, and I thought that being here, with all you… knowing and… being open about it, it would hurt, it would… it scared me… but… now that we’re here, it feels easier. Now that you’re all… supporting me, I… geez, maybe I am a girl after all, I’m tearing up here…”
She smiled weakly, then blushed deeper when Applejack kissed her cheek, before Twilight looked down at Fluttershy, who looked tenderly back up at her. “For the next little while, Fluttershy’s going to stay here with me, too, so… I can help her through things a little. Of course, we appreciate visitors too.”
The shy Pegasus nodded, looking up at the unicorn with relief as she gazed back down affectionately: Fluttershy needed guidance and love, to understand she wasn’t a failure, or worthless… and, despite the fact they were the same age, a figure in her life she could look up to and take care of her, and the Pegasus had immediately put Twilight in this role. And maybe it was the unicorn’s messiah complex, or maybe it was the fact that it was almost impossible to say no to Fluttershy’s adorable, beautiful features… but the unicorn didn’t mind at all. In fact… she liked it, probably more than it was healthy to admit. But it also wasn’t exactly something Fluttershy wanted to advertise, so she would respect that too… she thought that Pinkie Pie knew, but as they had all learned, Pinkie was a lot sharper than she let on.
Twilight looked back and forth over them all… and then she glanced to the side, a large piece of blank parchment pulling itself free as she said softly: “Well, then maybe you all can help me draft a letter to the Princess… I think she’d really be interested in this, and I think we’ve all found out… something important today. I know it seems childish sometimes… but ever since I learned what friendship was, and how important it is in a pony’s life… I’ve really come to understand that it has a power and meaning all its own.”
The others glanced back and forth, not even Rainbow making a joke as they traded hesitant smiles and soft looks… and then Twilight closed her eyes for a moment as the quill floated into the air and dipped itself into the nearby inkwell before her violet irises opened, and she smiled as she said warmly, as the quill began to quickly write what she dictated: “Dear Princess Celestia… I am glad to inform you that today, my friends and I learned a very valuable lesson on the magic of friendship. It came from a multitude of very painful, very difficult lessons we all endured… but I know that all of us are so much stronger for it.”
She stopped, and Applejack glanced up with a smile, saying quietly: “We learned that sometimes, you gotta ‘fess up to all your friends. That you gotta share what’s on your mind, even if you’re scared of losing them… but a real friend ain’t never gonna turn their back on you in your time of need, and a real friend won’t run away when you ask for help… even if it’s help to make up for… awful mistakes you’ve made.”
“A real friend doesn’t just help you achieve your dreams… they’re there to help guide you, to stop you from doing anything silly, to comfort you when things go wrong, and to help you out of any holes you fall into or dig yourself. A real friend tells you what you need, and helps you get it… and doesn’t let you chase what you want when they know it’ll hurt you in the long run, hard as it is to stand up to someone you care about.” Rarity continued calmly, flicking her mane with a soft smile across at Twilight.
“A friend never doubts your worth… is always there for you. A friend makes sure that you know your own value, even when you doubt it yourself… and your friends will always stop you from doing anything that hurts yourself, whether it’s physically or emotionally.” Fluttershy said softly, gazing up tenderly at the violet unicorn. “No matter how you were raised, or what you’ve been forced to believe by others… a friend will show you that you have value.”
Pinkie Pie smiled softly at this, picking up easily in a warm voice: “And a real friend will reach out to you when you’re in trouble… will show you that you don’t have to act a certain way for them and all they expect from you, is that you be yourself. That even if you have problem controlling yourself or stopping yourself from doing certain things… they’ll work with you to help you. They’ll be patient with you, maybe even more patient than you might expect… and even if you don’t always get along, they’ll still try their hardest to fix what’s bothering you.”
“Friends don’t judge you, even when you say something really dumb or want something really weird… in fact, if you’re honest with them, if you tell them you know it’s right for you and explain yourself… you might be surprised to find out they’ll reach out to you, to help you get that special something you’ve secretly always needed.” Rainbow Dash added, gazing down at the floor, before her eyes roved up to look at Applejack as she smiled softly. “And you have to remember, most of all, that when you really care about someone… you can’t selfishly hog ‘em all to yourself. You gotta let the Pegasus fly if it wants to fly.”
Twilight looked over the group, her eyes warm as she took in the gathered ponies… and then she said quietly: “It’s a sad truth in this world that no matter what, sometimes you can’t save everyone. But if you stay true to your friends, and keep them by your side… you can at least always make sure to protect them as much as possible, and help them along the way. Signed, your student, Twilight Sparkle, and your humble subjects, Applejack, Rainbow Dash, Rarity, Pinkie Pie, and Fluttershy.”
The quill flicked as it finished signing their names… and then Twilight closed her eyes and smiled as the parchment rolled closed and she sealed this with a ribbon, saying softly: “Yeah. I think the Princess will find this letter to be just as important as I do. Thank you, everyone… for sharing with me. For helping each other. For helping me.”
Applejack looked up curiously at this as Pinkie Pie tilted her head, Rarity asking inquisitively: “Help you, darling? How so? Why, it feels more like you were the one who helped all of us today.”
But Twilight only smiled at this, gazing back and forth over them as she said softly: “Maybe. But without you all in my life… nothing would feel worthwhile or complete.”
And with that, she looked over them affectionately as her five friends gazed warmly back, six ponies gathered together, bound tightly forever in the bonds of harmony and friendship.
Six Broken Ponies: Wings Of Eagles
Rainbow Dash grimaced a bit as she walked alongside Twilight, her smile toning down, becoming almost sad as she hesitantly glanced over her shoulder towards the apple orchard… but it was long out of sight now, and she couldn’t help but slump and sigh a little bit. Twilight glanced towards her softly, but Rainbow only shook her head, murmuring: “Nah, it’ll be okay. Just feels… like a splinter, you know? Right there, lodged in deep but… I think… it’ll be okay. I dunno, maybe I’m just hopeful but… you know.”
“Well, then it’s a good thing for you I have a surprise back at the library that might help cheer you up.” Twilight said softly, and Rainbow perked up a little with a small smile, the violet unicorn gazing over at her with a bit of a smile. “I said I was going to help you today too, didn’t I? Since we all got together this morning to pay off Rarity’s debts at the bank before she went with Pinkie Pie to help her out, and Spike agreed to help Fluttershy get some things from her home… we have time to try something out, if you’re up for it.”
“What did you find? A spell, or… something?” Rainbow Dash leaned forwards, blushing a bit at the eagerness in her own voice and body language as she visibly perked up. “I mean… I know… I know this must be really weird and all for you, I can’t thank you guys enough for being so understanding about it… I can’t imagine that… you know… a lot of ponies feel this way or would even get why it’s so important to me. Honestly, I didn’t expect you all to understand…”
Twilight smiled a little at this, glancing ahead before she returned her eyes to the blue Pegasus, saying quietly: “And I don’t think I do understand entirely, Rainbow Dash. It would be an insult to you if I claimed that I did… but what I can imagine is the frustration and the pain you must be going through, and… knowing you as well as I do, I know you’re not just doing this to yourself.”
Rainbow glanced away with a bit of a blush, and then Twilight paused, reaching out to nudge her quietly as she said softly: “But if anything, that just makes me want to help you more. Seeing you in pain like this… none of us like that, Rainbow. And you would always go to the ends of the earth for any one of us… you deserve to be treated with the same amount of loyalty and respect.”
The female mumbled awkwardly and lowered her head, her wings fluttering a bit as she smiled a little… and then Twilight glanced up as they reached the library, the door swinging open with only a flick of her horn, and she allowed the Pegasus to pass through first. Rainbow Dash looked curiously back and forth through the clean, empty room, a table set up at the far side with several books and scrolls over it… and Twilight closed the door quietly before she approached this, then turned around and met the sky-blue mare's eyes, asking her quietly: “Do you want this? I need to make sure, Rainbow Dash… and I need to let you know right now it’s probably going to sting a little when you… change. I also can’t guarantee it’ll last for very long… this is very high-level magic, and as it is, I had to modify the spell a little. I can only guarantee a few hours, but… I hope it’s long enough for you to learn for sure if this is what you need or…”
Rainbow only smiled, however, swallowing hard before she stood up straight and said firmly: “I ain’t afraid of pain. Let’s do this, Twilight. At least this way… I’ll be able to try it out, you’re right, see if… if I’ve been right all this time. If I really was meant to be… I mean…” She stopped, lowering her head for a moment as a shiver went through her body, and then she gritted her teeth and looked up, saying clearly: “I ain’t afraid of nothing! Let’s do this!”
The unicorn only smiled softly, however… and then she lowered her head forwards as her horn began to shimmer quietly. The aura built higher and higher as she leaned towards the Pegasus, a grimace of concentration and effort spreading over her features as purple arcs of lightning sparked through the air around her, and Rainbow Dash nervously took a pace backwards before she forced herself to stand still as a bluish-white glow began to spread up her body from her hooves.
The light spread upwards, ever higher and faster, the glow deepening as it first tickled, making her want to fidget, her wings flap a bit… and then Rainbow grit her teeth with a wince, leaning forwards and letting out a short hiss as the tickling became a burning sensation that writhed inwards through her skin, getting worse as it surged deeper into her body until her blood felt like it was boiling and stomach felt like it was filled with slag, the pony’s legs barely holding up beneath her as she let out a long groan of pain.
Her wings flapped hard, convulsively, as she felt a strange stretching sensation began, first in her hooves and muzzle, then following inwards along the blazing trails of pain that burned through her frame, her form wracked with shudders and spasms as she gasped for breath and yet did her best to stop herself from crying out, even as her head snapped back and forth and she felt almost like she was being pulled and yanked on, like her limbs were being slowly, forcibly elongated by some terrible, wicked giant that was attempting to pull her apart.
The glow around her was blinding as her head snapped back and forth, her jaws falling open and mouthing wordlessly, her eyes bulging, even those aching now as she stared at the ceiling… and then, even more suddenly than it had all began, there was a bright flash and it was all over as Twilight was knocked backwards by magical recoil, crashing into her desk and overturning it as she cursed and flopped over, her eyes blinking stupidly… and then she stared dumbly as Rainbow Dash’s head dropped limply forwards and she fell to all fours, jaw clenched, her body shuddering before she rasped: “Not… what I expected…”
Rainbow shivered for a moment, dropping her head forwards against the floor and grunting as her skull clunked loudly to the hardwood… and then she shook her head slowly before blearily opening her eyes as the aches began to fade from her body, leaving tiredness in its place. She grimaced a little, then carefully stood up and rubbed at her face… and then she frowned a bit at the way Twilight was staring at her, asking curiously: “What?”
And then Twilight smiled faintly before she grimaced a bit as she looked up… and a moment later, a large mirror floated quietly down from her room above, surrounded by a purple aura. It stuttered in the air, as if the unicorn’s control had been weakened from the spell… but then it floated in front of Rainbow, and she stared in shock, staggering backwards… and then trembling slowly, she leaned forwards to grasp the oval, large mirror tightly between her hooves, using it to stare into features that were a little rougher now, a little squarer… still pretty, in a way, but less than pretty, more… handsome.
She was… a he. She had become a he… and Rainbow Dash shook his head mutely, looking from his larger neck to his thicker, wider shoulders, before his wings flapped as he leaned back on his rear hooves, and they carried him up easily, supporting him with as much weightlessness as they had when he was female… and yet they felt larger, stronger, different. His long tail flicked, and his body flexed, and now there was less sleekness and more muscle, his frame larger… perhaps only by a few inches, but it was noticeable, so immensely noticeable, and he could feel… well…
He stopped, dropping to his hooves and letting the mirror fall to clatter against the floor, staring down into the reflection of his face as Twilight frowned… and then a tear dripped slowly from his eye, and Rainbow looked up, breathing hard and whispering: “Twilight, I… oh, god…”
“Oh, Rainbow, I’m sorry, I…” Twilight began, but then Rainbow smiled brightly, shaking his head fiercely, and the unicorn stuttered to a halt before the now-stallion leapt towards her and tackled her, knocking the fallen desk backwards and sending papers and books that had already fallen in messy piles shooting in all directions in a paper storm, Twilight squawking as she was almost crushed under the now-greater weight and strength of the masculine Pegasus. “Rainbow!”
“Yeah, I… I don’t feel it anymore, I mean… I feel… I feel right!” Rainbow almost shouted, arching his back, his slightly-deeper blue coat glimmering as he leapt backwards and pranced gleefully around the room, inspecting himself, flapping his wings, taking great leaps as Twilight stared stupidly from where she lay, sprawled out. “Look at me! God, just look at me, I’m… I’m handsome ! This is the most amazing thing ever, this… this feeling, god, this feeling, I can’t describe it, it’s… it’s like when I won a race for the first time, but even better, it’s like… it’s like after so many years pretending to be someone else, now… now I feel like I get to be myself, I feel like… I can’t even describe it, Twilight, it’s incredible, it’s amazing, it’s… thank you, thank you so much!”
He turned around, looking brightly at Twilight, and then unicorn only smiled dumbly before she grunted and carefully pushed herself to her feet, saying slowly: “Just remember, it’s… not permanent, Rainbow Dash.”
“Rainbow Dash, I feel so strong you should call me Rainbow Smash now.” The Pegasus grinned a bit at this, laughing a little at his own pun before he shook his head quickly and blushed a little at Twilight’s flat look. “I’m excited, okay? But… I know. I’ll keep it in mind, Twilight, I just… thank you.” He stopped, glancing down and blushing a bit, and then he looked up with an awkward smile. “Is there anything you can’t do with your magic?”
“I’m not that strong, Rainbow… like I said, I had to really simplify this spell. It doesn’t help it’s not the usual kind of magic I’m used to doing… this isn’t from Celestia’s school of magic, this is from Princess Luna’s spell repertoire.” Twilight straightened as she glanced over her shoulder, and the table righted itself before she began to gather up papers, her horn sparking weakly as she grimaced a little after assembling a small pile of them.
She dropped these on the desk as Rainbow looked at her with concern, but the violet unicorn only smiled a little as she sat back on her haunches, shaking her head quickly as she murmured: “No, no, it’s okay. I just used up a lot of my energy with that last spell, I need to sit back and relax a bit. Magic isn’t infinite, like I was saying… and while I can probably do this spell for you every now and then, it’ll be a long time and require a lot of practice before I can extend the duration of the change.”
“So… can I never be like this permanently?” Rainbow asked quietly, and when Twilight looked at him sympathetically, the Pegasus shook his head firmly, saying softly: “No, no, I’m sorry. I don’t mean to sound… you know, all… yeah. This… this is amazing. If I can have this every now and then, it’ll… I know it’ll help me a lot.”
He stopped, looking down at his hooves and murmuring softly: “Sure. It’s not fun knowing that… I’ve got a set amount of time like this. But… at the same time… how many ponies who have a problem like mine… get this chance? Not everyone has a Twilight in their lives, an egghead who’s amazing at magic.” Rainbow smiled a bit, looking up, and the unicorn smiled back despite herself, looking both touched and exasperated at the same time. “But… hey, you said this is what, from Luna’s spell books or something? What does that mean?”
“Princess Luna and Princess Celestia specialize in different classes of magic. Princess Luna is very good at illusions and changing the shapes of herself and other things, while Princess Celestia works more directly with the elements and world around herself. You know, outright control.” Twilight paused and blushed a bit at Rainbow’s confused look. “It’s… like how some Pegasi are better at racing, and others are better at manipulating the weather.”
“Oh, like mixing rainbows and stuff, yeah, got it. I could never do that, I just live for speed.” Rainbow straightened and strutted forwards, and then he grinned and looked down at his hooves before giving an amused look over to Twilight. “Gotta admit. Feels even more right to show off now.”
He flicked his tail easily, and Twilight sighed a bit, rolling her eyes before she said finally: “Anyway. If… maybe… one day we can figure out how to make this permanent. But it might not be all sugar and dandelions, Rainbow… you should try flying, and doing other things you usually do today. It might take you time to adjust… you might… feel like you have the right body now, but imagine if you couldn’t do all the things you used to be able to?”
“Then I’ll work at them until I can do them again just as well, that’s all.” Rainbow retorted stubbornly, and then he halted before his eyes met Twilight’s, visibly softening. “I can’t… explain it, Twilight. I mean, I feel… I feel right. And I just know that feeling… is going to outweigh the fact that I can’t… oh, I dunno, wear frilly dresses anymore.” Rainbow snorted at this, muttering: “Yeah, that really bothers me.”
Twilight sighed… but then Rainbow smiled and walked over to her, quickly giving her a gentle nuzzle and making the unicorn smile a bit as he said firmly: “I’m going to go try this body out though, take it for a test drive, and… then I’ll come back afterwards and let you know how it all went, okay? Either way… thank you. Thank you so much for… caring enough to do this.”
He blushed a bit, and Twilight only smiled softly before Rainbow turned and quickly headed for the door, pushing it open and leaping out of the library with a laugh into the sunshine before he leapt upwards… and when his wings caught the air, they sent him hurtling towards the sky, Rainbow grinning, loving the exertion, feeling the extra drag now against his larger, heavier form… but with as much grace as he’d had as a mare, he forced his body to spin and then flip when he reached the blue skies above, dropping into a dive… and letting out a delighted gasp, tasting the wind as his body automatically went into the old maneuver with the same practiced ease as it always had, streamlining himself… and despite the fact he wasn’t as aerodynamic in this larger frame… his weight and the new strength in his wings easily added more than enough impetus to make up for it.
The dive was sharp and steep, his timing almost too late as he curved up at the last moment, almost feeling his hooves brushing over the ground as he shot forwards through the street and made several ponies stumble and stare before he launched back into the air, wings flapping once to send him hurtling into the skies again… and Rainbow Dash let out a loud whoop of delight as he reached his front legs forwards, his eyes blazing, his rainbow mane and tail streaming out behind him as he shouted: “I’m king of the skies!”
Rainbow wasn’t even sure of how much time passed as he shot back and forth through the skies over Ponyville and the surrounding area, loving the strain in his muscles, how the feel of the wind was all the clearer, the eagerness with which his body moved and the feel of his male form tearing through the air, somehow so much more exhilarating than when he had been a she… and then finally, he twisted downwards and landed with stunning grace for the large frame he had near the library, coming down on his front hooves almost daintily and letting his rear hooves drop to the ground afterwards as he held his head high and proud, eyes closed… and not caring how many people were staring at him, before a shocked voice spluttered: “Rainbow Dash?”
His eyes snapped open and looked with a blush towards Applejack, who was staring at him, and for a moment, Rainbow wanted to hide, shrinking a bit… and then Applejack stepped wonderingly forwards, staring over him with amazement before she murmured: “Sugar cube, just… just look at you… you look so… so… so happy. So… right.”
Rainbow brightened at this, raising his head… and the two looked at each other for a few long moments before Rainbow blushed deeply and asked hesitantly: “How… how did things go with Big Mac?”
“We… did… some stuff, but he said…” Applejack stopped, looking down and taking a slow breath, and Rainbow looked at her silently for a few moments before the female gazed up at him, meeting his eyes and saying quietly: “Rainbow Dash… I ain’t the best pony out there. I ain’t… as pure or good as lots of ponies have come to think of me as. I get… urges at times that are… a mite bit… you know. But… but I came to realize that I care about you a whole lot. Big Mac… I’m always gonna have. Who knows what the future holds, too… but… Rainbow Dash, I don’t wanna lose you. I know you’ll always be my friend but…”
Applejack stopped, looking down, then she looked back up, stepping slowly forwards and whispering: “I don’t want to lose… you … as… as… mine .”
Rainbow looked down at her for a few moments, then he began to open her mouth, not knowing if he was going to shout angrily or blurt something stupid… and then Applejack leaned up and kissed him firmly on the lips, and everything else was forgotten as Rainbow’s head swam before he blinked dazedly and said weakly: “I… am mad at you. Honestly, I’m really mad at you. But. I think I need a moment or two to remember why.”
Applejack only rolled her eyes at this… and then she leaned forwards and hugged him firmly, and Rainbow hugged her fiercely back, squeezing her close and muttering: “Oh hell, who cares anymore. We’re all screwed up anyway, why should it even matter? Besides, I… I hope you know that I’m not going to look like this for much longer. And I… I guess that you… might not be as interested in me if-”
“Now hey, don’t you talk to me like that, Rainbow.” Applejack drew back, fixing her with a firm look that made the Pegasus grin despite the embarrassed tinge that also rose in her cheeks. “I ain’t no star of shining virtue but I said I care about you, not about your body. I… mare or stallion, Rainbow, don’t matter to me. Even if that ugly part of me already wants to make use of… well… you know.”
Rainbow looked at her dumbly, and then he began to giggle stupidly, and Applejack sighed and lowered her head, muttering: “I’m guessing all that testosterone didn’t do much for your maturity, did it?”
“Oh shut up, Applejack.” Rainbow paused, then winked at her, leaning down and grinning a bit. “I’m taller than you now. Bet I’m stronger, too. Wanna race, see who can beat who to say… Sugar Cube Corners?”
“You’re on, Dashie.” Applejack smiled slightly, then she turned and grinned slightly as she lowered herself, Rainbow setting himself in the same ready position as their eyes locked… and then Rainbow Dash winked before lunging ahead, and Applejack let out a shout of consternation before she shot quickly after the stallion.
They laughed as they raced through the town, Rainbow grinning and using his now-larger frame to check Applejack and making her stumble, but the mare only laughed and then rammed herself back against Rainbow, who yelped in surprise and then tripped over his own large hooves, rolling several times head-over-heels as Applejack laughed triumphantly, then grinned as she barreled ahead as the stallion picked himself up with a look of dumb surprise on his features before he snorted and shot forwards, sprinting full-out to try and make up the lost time and distance.
He skidded around the last corner… and found Applejack complacently sitting at a table outside the candy shop, looking pleased with herself as she rested back in the chair and said comfortingly: “We can try again when you ain’t so winded, sugar cube. And after you’ve had some time to get used to those big lazy hooves of yours.”
“Hey!” Rainbow Dash huffed, looking offended… and then he simply looked lamely at her as Applejack slipped out of the chair and they both headed towards the doorway, asking finally: “How did you knock me over? I’m like twice your size.”
“You’re like two inches taller, Rainbow, even if you’ve bulked out a bit.” Applejack retorted, poking the stallion's side lightly, and Rainbow grinned a bit down at her, making her roll her eyes with a sigh, before she continued mildly: “Anyway, ain’t so hard. Just like when I used to wrassle Big Mac, it’s all about your balance. Probably gonna take you a little while to get used to that in this shape.”
Rainbow smiled down at her, nodding thoughtfully: he hadn’t given any consideration to that, with how well things had gone in the air… but for a Pegasus like him, being in the air was far different than being on the ground. Then the two paused and looked up as an excited voice shouted gleefully: “Applejack! Rainbow! Hey guys!”
They both smiled at the sight of Pinkie Pie, who was beaming happily at them from over the counter, a small cooking cap on her head… and beside her, Rarity was now drawing her eyes slowly over Rainbow, almost marveling at the now-him. It made Applejack visibly narrow her eyes and pucker her lips… and when Rainbow looked at her, he realized it was jealously, and it made him grin all the wider as he stood with more confidence, happy to be accepted… and even happier when Rarity said wonderingly: “My word, Rainbow Dash. You look just fantastic… like one of those magnificent male models from the fashion magazines in the skimpy-”
“Can we just get something to go?” Applejack asked in a surly voice, and when Rarity gave her an amused look and Pinkie Pie giggled behind her front hooves, Rainbow Dash couldn’t help but smile brightly, gazing warmly down at the goldenrod earth pony even as she blinked in confusion at the looks on their faces and glowered back and forth. “What? What?”
Six Broken Ponies: Offering
Pinkie Pie leaned forwards over the counter, smiling softly towards where Applejack and Rainbow Dash sat in a corner together, quietly eating the fudge that she had gladly served them on the house. Mrs. Cake wouldn’t mind, she knew: in fact, with Pinkie’s behavior so drastically changed from the bouts of mixed moodiness-bounciness, she had been hesitant but willing to leave Pinkie in charge of the shop for a little while… although also visibly relieved when Rarity had added she would be staying to ‘keep Pinkie Pie company.’
So far, though, things had been smooth: it was probably in part because she was feeling a little tired from a lack of sleep due to excitement, and probably in part because Twilight had shown up in the morning after helping out Rarity with a list of suggestions that might help even a little bit… and they included limiting Pinkie Pie’s usually-exorbitant sugar intake and a few calming exercises. Very small things… but Twilight had pointed out that even the largest structures in Equestria had started with only a few small bricks.
But mostly, it was like getting it out there, that she had problems controlling herself… and more importantly, how she felt sometimes like such an outsider… had really done a world of good for her. And it wasn’t so much the fact that they were treating her with a little more gentility now, it was the fact that they were trying so hard to help her… although it did help she had the feeling there was a little more slack here and there if she goofed up, however. All the same, she was doing her very best to stay on her so-far, so-good behavior… she didn’t want to be one of those ponies who were given an inch and took a mile, considering how much she had done that in the past without even realizing it; or perhaps it was more accurate to say, without really meaning to.
Then Rarity nudged her gently, and she looked up from her reverie with a blush, wondering if she’d been talking out loud or something… but the unicorn only tipped her a wink, saying in a low, playful voice: “Careful now, Pinkie Pie. Stare for too long and our friend Applejack may get a little jealous again. But that Rainbow Dash is a handsome male… and there is such a sad lack of handsome, eligible bachelors around Ponyville these days.”
“Oh, no, it’s not that, Rarity.” Pinkie Pie smiled warmly, beaming over at her. “It’s how happy they look together… like the closest of friends, but even closer! And… I’m real glad to see it. Rainbow Dash really does look nice though… and not just ‘cause she – I mean, he – makes a handsome guy pony, but because… well… look at him.”
“Yes. I know what you mean… he has that same confidence now as those months ago after he saved my life and all the Wonderbolts, and rightfully won his place as best young flier of Equestria…” Rarity stopped, glancing over at Pinkie Pie with a soft look. “And they do indeed look happy. Applejack and Rainbow Dash have always been so close, though… is it really a surprise things should turn out so?”
Pinkie Pie smiled again at this, glancing over at Rarity thoughtfully, and Rarity tilted her head before blushing when Pinkie Pie said warmly: “You’re such a kind, generous friend, you know that? Heck, even I’m almost jealous of those two, you know! Imagine… having your best friend end up being the same person you’re destined to spend all time with… I mean, gosh, back on the rock farm, well…”
And as often happened when the subject came up these days, Pinkie’s mane and tail drooped a bit, even though she continued to smile… but her voice lost some of its bounciness as she said quietly: “Back on the rock farm, Mom and Pop never even believed in… you know. That girls could love girls and boys could love boys. It was wrong to them… but, a lot of things were wrong to them. Even when they were smiling… especially when they were smiling.”
Rarity softened as she looked at Pinkie Pie, and then she reached up and touched her shoulder, saying quietly: “Well, I’m sure they wouldn’t approve of this either, as Rainbow Dash was once a girl and now a boy, for however long or short… but… perhaps they weren’t right about everything, Pinkie. I know they weren’t right about you.”
The pink earth pony blushed and glanced up a bit at this, and then she smiled after a moment, nodding a little and saying softly: “Thanks, Rarity. Oh, hey, look at the time… the cookies should be just about done. I’ll check the ovens in back and switch them out for the next batch of baked goods.”
Rarity nodded, then she asked gently: “Would you like my help, dear? Applejack and Rainbow Dash can always let us know if anyone comes in.”
“Nah, I think Applejack and Rainbow Dash are too busy watching each other right now.” Pinkie Pie smiled a little after a moment, brightening a bit with this remark and even more when Rarity gave a soft laugh of agreement. “No, I’ll be fine. Besides, if I need your help, I’ll call on you. I know that you and all my other friends… are always there when I need you, now.”
She smiled at this, nodding firmly as she gathered her confidence further, and then she turned and headed into the kitchens through the archway, feeling… balanced. Considering her usual state of ups-and-downs, it was a nice feeling… and Pinkie Pie hummed a little to herself as she carefully picked up a thick oven towel, pulling the stove open before she reached in and carefully lifted a large sheet of cookies out.
She put this quickly down on the countertop, then smiled warmly as she glanced over the batch of cookies: golden-brown, they looked – and smelled – perfectly delicious, and Pinkie Pie beamed with pride. Perhaps to most, it wasn’t the biggest accomplishment… but to her, the fact she had managed to almost entirely by herself complete a full batch of cookies was a true triumph.
The pink pony quickly moved to slip the next large batch of cookies into the oven, and then she closed it quickly and sighed in relief as she put the oven mitt aside before smiling as she turned around and headed to the table, propping herself up and looking curiously over it. A cookbook sat open on a small reading easel, and several ingredients were already laid out… and the mare tossed a thoughtful glance towards the front room before she simply shrugged a bit and smiled again as she picked up a large knife and leaned down, reading: “‘Carrot cake…’ mm. Carrots. Well, I can do some of this…”
Pinkie Pie nodded firmly to herself: most of the ingredients were already out, but only one carrot had been sliced up into small pieces so far, so the bouncy pony grabbed another carrot of the five or so large, whole ones sitting out and began to quickly dice it up, using the knife rapidly and efficiently.
Out of the corner of her eye, she saw Rarity glance into the doorway curiously, attracted by either the long time Pinkie was taking or the sounds of her working… but then the ivory unicorn only smiled softly before retreating, likely not even thinking Pinkie had seen her. But she had, and she appreciated both the fact that Rarity had thought to check on her, and even more that she was letting her try this simple task herself without interrupting… and Pinkie smiled to herself as she continued to chop rapidly through the carrots.
The knife gleamed, cutting down, slicing with ease through the solid orange flesh of the carrot: Pinkie moved the sparkling, polished blade with almost unnatural ease, her other hoof guiding the carrot gently forwards, and yet all the same her eyes and attention wandered back and forth… yet it was not that she was unfocused, merely checking the table for other ingredients and reading the book at the same time as she diced the carrots. Her comfort level with this part of the process was almost spooky: the ease with which she used the knife was almost unnerving, as she scraped it gently against the wooden cutting board to brush the pieces of carrot aside into one diced pile.
Halfway through her last carrot, she glanced down… and blood spurted up as she sliced through flesh, the knife making a stuttering, machine-gun like sound against the cutting board as her breath caught in her throat, staring down as crimson liquid spread in an unnatural pool over the cutting board, pieces of not orange carrot, but reddish meat sitting in front of her, and yet the knife gleamed like a polished diamond that was lit from within… and slowly, Pinkie lifted this upwards, staring at it as the red blood flowed off it like water, her eyes fixated on the gleaming metal… and inside it, not reflected but seemingly inside it, something pushed out against the steel.
Pinkie Pie’s jaw worked, trembling… and then the side of the blade shattered as her head reared back, and yet she couldn’t drop the knife, couldn’t throw it away, as she stared into the broken pieces of mirror hidden beneath the metal… and staring up at her, she saw herself. No… not herself, but her other -self… Pinkamena. With her callous eyes rimmed with black and red, her pink mane stained almost-black and drooping, her coat not bright and colorful but bruised almost purple… and as Pinkie stared, moaning weakly in her throat, Pinkamena raised a knife of her own to her mouth and licked slowly along the blade’s edge, slicing open her own tongue, sending a stream of blood rolling down it as she whispered: “I think we should have a party, Pinkie Pie. Oh yes. I think we should have a party, one I’m going to invite all your lying friends to… because I have some delightful party games in mind we can all play together, and how we’ll laugh, and laugh, and laugh…”
Pinkie screamed and staggered backwards, throwing the knife away… and it clattered loudly against the kitchen floor as the female fell backwards into trembling pile, hooves skittering at the floor as she stared wildly back and forth… but the kitchen was back to normal, the knife was only a piece of metal, and a half-chopped carrot lay upon the cutting board… but a moment later, Rarity, Applejack, and Rainbow Dash burst into the room, yelling for her, and Pinkie Pie dropped her head to the side and screamed again as she covered her face before she burst into loud, wild sobs.
Immediately, all three were around her, hugging her, comforting her, shushing her… and then Applejack muttered something, and Rainbow Dash was gone, Pinkie Pie barely noticing as she buried her face against Rarity’s breast and sobbed weakly… but within only a few minutes, Rainbow returned with Twilight, and Pinkie’s sobs renewed for a moment in both joy and sorrow as the unicorn joined the others, swiftly embracing Pinkie Pie as they clustered around her worriedly, Applejack every so often tossing nervous glances towards the knife, where it glinted maliciously on the floor.
After a few minutes, Pinkie Pie calmed… and she sat with her head lowered as Rarity began to quietly, compulsively clean up, looking a little worried herself as Rainbow Dash and Applejack stood at one side of the room. Pinkie sat in a chair as Twilight checked her over, not speaking, her mane and tail drooping, her eyes staring almost sightlessly as trembles wracked her body… but there was no rush from anyone, no hurrying her along, no cursing her as evil and no harsh words. Only comforting ones… only kindness… and the only fear in the air was that Pinkie Pie had hurt herself, as Applejack finally approached and touched her shoulder as the female’s sobs died down to sniffles and Twilight paged rapidly through a medical textbook, the country pony saying quietly: “You didn’t get hurt, did you?”
“No… no. I’m fine.” She stopped, then laughed weakly, looking down and pushing her hooves together as she closed her eyes. “No, that’s a lie. I mean… I’m not hurt physically, I don’t think. But… but…”
She stopped, her lower lip trembling, tears running down her face as she hugged herself and a shudder ran through her form, and then she shook her head quickly and released a gasping sigh as Rarity tossed the rag she had been using to clean up into the sink and then carefully – standing a good distance away, her horn glowing brightly enough to show she was using a little more force than necessary – lifted the knife, and dropped this into the sink with a clatter that made the other ponies wince… but Pinkie Pie barely looked up, still staring weakly at the kitchen floor. “Sugar cube, it’s okay now. We’re all here for you… we ain’t gonna let nothing bad happen to you, okay?”
“That’s… not what I’m scared of…” Pinkie closed her eyes, reaching up and rubbing slowly at her face with her front hooves as she trembled quietly. “I saw her… I saw her, and she’s… she’s me… she wants… oh g-god…”
Pinkie shuddered violently, clenching her eyes shut and lowering her head, and Applejack looked worriedly over at Rainbow Dash as the male shrugged and shook his head, Rarity frowning… but then Twilight stepped forwards, gently touching Pinkie’s shoulder, looking down into her eyes softly. “Okay, Pinkie. Let’s start from the beginning, okay? And if it gets too hard to talk about, we can stop. Any time you want, we’ll just stop, and we’ll pick it up when you’re ready. How does that sound?”
The scared earth pony looked up, trembling hard… and then she swallowed thickly, her tear-filled eyes gazing worriedly up at Twilight as she asked meekly: “You… you won’t leave me? Even… even though…”
“No Pinkie, none of us will. You’re our friend, we’re all here for you.” Twilight said comfortingly, and then she hugged the trembling mare quietly… and even though Pinkie’s limbs only clutched herself, she dropped her head against the side of Twilight's neck, shuddering and giving a faint whimper against her before the unicorn slowly drew back, studying her quietly as Pinkie hung her head, flushed with fear, shame, and worry. “Take your time. Don’t rush… we’re here for you. We can talk about this at your pace.”
For a little while, Pinkie was mute, head lowered… and then, slowly, she began to speak, in a quiet, stumbling murmur that all the same was heard clearly by all present, as she whispered of how it had started with the blood… and ended with how Pinkamena had spoken to her with her twisted promise before she had managed to fling the knife away.
Twilight had her textbook open and was taking notes on parchment, as the others only listened, Applejack and Rainbow Dash almost pressing together and Rarity covering her muzzle with an expression of both horror and pity for the poor mare… and then Twilight sighed and shook her head after a long silence, saying quietly: “With your permission, Pinkie, I’d like to write to the Princess about this. I know there’s… a place or two in Canterlot that can help, from what I’ve been reading.”
“You want to send me away?” Pinkie looked up, desperate, trembling… but when Twilight shook her head quickly, she swallowed thickly and sat back, hugging herself. “Then… then what do you mean?”
“We would go for a visit, Pinkie, to some doctors. It wouldn’t be like an asylum… but they could talk to you, assess you, and we could figure out where to go from there. Qualified ponies, better at this than I am.” Twilight said softly, reaching up and gently brushing Pinkie’s mane back. “I’d go with you. We’d probably even be there and back to Ponyville in the same day. I doubt they’d want to keep you there for long, and they wouldn’t want to lock you up, Pinkie… you have… episodes. And I know it’s scary, but… I don’t think you’re a danger or a threat to me, or anyone here. I think the person in the most danger here is you, Pinkie Pie… and I want to help you if I can. I want to… to… to save you, if I can.”
Twilight looked down at her quietly, and Pinkie Pie laughed a little at this, rubbing silently at her eyes with her wrist as she whispered: “I think that’s the first time anyone’s said something so nice to me, Twilight… and really, honestly meant it. But it scares me, what that could mean…”
“Well, what it’s going to mean is that we’re going to fix this somehow.” Rainbow Dash said quietly but firmly, stepping forwards and nodding, and then he laughed a little as Pinkie quietly glanced over at him. “I mean, just… just look at me. God, Pinkie, look at me. If I can become this, even for just a little while… don’t you think there’s hope for you, too? I mean, I wasn’t… broken… or… damaged or anything, I was just… in the wrong skin. ‘Just in the wrong skin,’ like it’s no big deal…” He stopped, then looked over at Twilight, softening visibly even as his smile grew firmer. “But Twilight sure fixed it like it was no big deal.”
Twilight only blushed and glanced awkwardly away, however… but Pinkie nodded a little, looking back and forth quietly and murmuring: “Maybe… maybe you’re right, then, Rainbow. You’re… you are very different now.” She stopped, looking quietly over the stallion as Rainbow posed with a wink… then blushed deeply when Pinkie said quietly: “No more false bravado… no pretending you feel good when really, you feel pretty bad. Most of all, no more fear of being yourself… I… I really admire that.”
Now the Pegasus shuffled back a bit as Applejack smiled slightly, leaning over and kissing the stallion's cheek and making Rainbow Dash both blush with a pleased look and fidget in embarrassment as the earth pony murmured: “She read you like a dang book.” She stopped, then looked softly at Pinkie Pie, adding quietly: “And you can count me in on coming with you to Canterlot when it’s time for that, Pinkie Pie. I can always do business while I’m there, selling some baked goods.”
Rainbow sniggered at this, and Applejack gave him a glare, saying flatly: “Oh, hush up, now, y’hear? I was serious. I ain’t gonna be selling those… other wares anymore.”
“A good decision, Applejack. You may be uncouth and a bit of a ruffian but even I know you’re… much better than that.” Rarity said softly, and Applejack gave her a small smile before the unicorn glanced towards Pinkie Pie as she looked down, trembling a bit. “Pinkie, I think… what’s important to remember here, is that you didn’t give in. I lay no claim to understanding the workings of the mind but… you can still tell what’s real and what’s not, and you’re still yourself. You’ve been wonderful to work beside all day long… why, you even did most of the baking by yourself while I tended the counter here.”
Pinkie shuffled a bit at this, looking awkwardly down with a blush… and then Twilight nodded, saying quietly: “I think they’re sporadic episodes. Maybe they even have triggers we don’t know yet… but I know one thing, Pinkie, and it’s that you gotta stay as positive as you can, okay? Listen, if you need anything, just let me know… and I guess, really, there’s still plenty of room at the library. I don’t think Fluttershy will mind that… we can just make it one big sleepover party or something, and I think we’d… all keep each other out of trouble.”
“A party…” Pinkie smiled a little, glancing up with a small laugh, and when Twilight winced a bit, she shook her head and said softly: “No, no, it’s okay Twilight. I really do appreciate the thought… I appreciate… what you’re all trying to do for me. I’m just scared that maybe… I can’t be fixed. I think sometimes maybe I should go away…”
“I wouldn’t want that. I don’t think any of us would, no matter what happened.” Twilight said quietly, reaching out and touching her gently… and Pinkie smiled a little, glancing up: naïve but lucid, depressed but struggling to find hope. “I have an idea, though. Zecora knows a lot about natural remedies and illnesses… we can go out and visit her sometime, when you’re ready, and see if she has something that will help with how you’ve been feeling.”
“You mean, to even me out?” Pinkie Pie asked quietly, tilting her head… but now Twilight smiled and shook her head slowly, making the pink pony cock her head inquisitively.
“No, Pinkie… I think we all like you to have some bounce in your step.” Twilight said softly, and Pinkie blushed but smiled a little in return at this wording. “And with a gentle reminder now and then, you calm right down… I… don’t want to change your eccentricities to make you more like us, Pinkie, and I don’t even want to fix your flaws. They make you who you are… but maybe she can give us something to help with these episodes. Either when they start happening, or for afterwards, so you don’t end up feeling so awful.”
“Like all the laughter has been sucked out of me.” Pinkie murmured, glancing down and shaking her head slowly as she whispered: “It’s worse than when Discord tricked me. It’s not… just being turned upside-down or inside-out: it’s like being shoved through the looking glass, except everything on the other side is dark…”
Twilight nodded slowly, then Pinkie Pie looked up and around at them all with a small smile, saying finally: “Thank you. Thank you all for being here and helping me back on my hooves, but… I think… I think I’m going to be okay. Twilight, I’ll… stop in later, maybe, but for now I think the best thing I can do is straighten up. Rarity, you don’t have to stay if you don’t want to…”
Rarity only smiled at this, however, saying softly: “I have a few more hours I promised to spend with you, Pinkie Pie, before I have to go back to the boutique and finish off a few dresses. I can at least be here that long.”
“Then… thank you.” Pinkie Pie smiled at her, before her eyes roved to Applejack and Rainbow Dash as they hesitated, and then she laughed a little and said quietly: “Go on you two. Don’t let me ruin your first big day together.”
That made the two blush and fumble for excuses… but then they both simply only smiled, and the two traded hugs with the slowly-recuperating pony before they made their way out through the arch… and Rarity humbly excused herself after a moment as Twilight quietly picked up her book and studied Pinkie Pie for a moment longer, but the female only closed her eyes and smiled wider, bowing her head forwards and saying softly: “I used to think I bothered you most of all, Twilight. Now I think you’re the one who cares about me most of all… maybe, cares about all of us most of all, if that makes any sense.”
Twilight laughed a little, and then Pinkie opened her eyes, nodding after a moment as she took a deep breath, her mane and tail fluffing up a bit as she said softly: “I’ll be okay, I promise. But… do me a favor, Twilight, okay?” The unicorn glanced up at this, and Pinkie smiled… and it was a real smile, radiant and warm, as she said quietly: “Don’t burn yourself out caring for all of us. Make sure you take care of yourself too, okay?”
“Okay, Pinkie. I promise.” Twilight gazed quietly back, and then she traded a tight, short last hug with the female before picking up her book and notes and heading out the back door… and Pinkie smiled after her, still not altogether herself… but at the same time, feeling like she was back on track towards feeling honestly, truly happy again.
Six Broken Ponies: Temptation
The white unicorn gazed quietly over her shoulder, watching as Pinkie Pie saw Twilight out, and then she shook her head after a moment and murmured softly: “Poor girl. Both of them, really… I wonder if the others noticed just how run-down Twilight’s beginning to look… but then again, I suppose the others don’t see that look as often as I used to in the mirror, putting on a good face even while running around trying to collect debts and sell my dresses…”
She shook her head slowly, laughing faintly to herself before turning around and glancing down into the open register quietly, staring at the money that seemed to stare back up at her… and she wondered silently how much it would cost to fix Pinkie Pie. What it would cost to buy Rainbow Dash a permanent male form… or at least Twilight the tools necessary to ensure its permanency?
Rarity sighed a little, lowering her head as she silently shoved the register’s drawer closed, murmuring: “Everything functions around money… money, money, money… food and bills and housing and taxes. And so many other expenses on top of all that…” She stopped, shaking her head slowly, making her corkscrewed mane sway quietly. “It is amazing, though… for all my valuing and appreciation of it I’m absolutely awful with it, and most ponies care not about keeping track of even a single bit and yet they don’t face nearly the same financial woes that I do…”
Almost absently, Rarity flicked her head to the side, and several small paper bags lifted themselves out from a pile beneath the counter, assembling in a neat row before the unicorn glanced over her shoulder towards a large shelf that was filled with trays of different baked goods and candies. Several muffins, candy canes, and cookies floated out of the trays that were neatly arranged upon these, and they dropped themselves quietly into the bags, Rarity smiling a little as she murmured: “At least I can be a little creative here still.”
The tops of the bags neatly shut themselves, and Rarity looked thoughtfully at these before Pinkie Pie walked out of the back of the shop, quietly pouring the cookies into one of the trays of shelving. Rarity turned to her, but didn’t speak as the earth pony quietly went about her business… then finally glanced up with a small smile to the ivory unicorn, saying finally: “I’m okay, Rarity, really. But… that’s not all that’s bothering you, is it?”
“Oh, Pinkie Pie, that’s not important.” the unicorn replied abashedly, looking embarrassed… and when the pink pony only continued to look at her inquisitively, she finally sighed and nodded a little, saying finally: “It’s only foolish thoughts, Pinkie… thinking too much about money, and letting too many wicked thoughts chase themselves around inside my head. I far from wish to compare our situations after all; on the contrary, I know yours is much worse. In fact, the pains all the others suffer are much worse than my own… especially after this morning, when Twilight helped me pay off all my lingering debts.”
“But you still feel like you owe people, huh?” Pinkie smiled a little, then she glanced at the paper bags, tilting her head curiously and asking: “What are these?”
“Oh, these? I figured I’d merely put together a few grab-bags for the foals… you know, we can sell them little bundles to take with them at a small discount.” Rarity said almost absently, glancing towards them… and then she frowned a bit when Pinkie Pie smiled a little, her eyes soft and a bit more perk coming back into her stance. “What?”
“That’s a real nice thought Rarity. See, you say you have no business sense, but I think you just get stuck sometimes when you think too much with this.” Pinkie Pie reached up and gently poked her forehead, before she lowered her hoof and touched her chest quietly. “Instead of just going with what your heart tells you. You have good instincts, you know. You’re a real good pony inside… you just got too used to thinking like one of those fancy ponies, and in fancy pony terms when everyone here thinks in Ponyville terms.”
Rarity blushed and mumbled a little at this, glancing down… and then she glanced up with a surprised look when Pinkie Pie hugged her firmly and said quietly: “I can hold down the shop by myself, Rarity. But why don’t you go ahead and head back to your boutique? Maybe you feel so bad because you paid off all your debts today… but you still feel like you owe someone something.”
“Pinkie…” The unicorn stopped, looking at her for a few moments as the earth pony drew back and smiled warmly with a bright look on her face… and then Rarity swallowed before she nodded firmly, saying softly: “You’re exactly right. You’re exactly right, Pinkie Pie, perhaps that really is what is bothering me… but… but I don’t want to leave you here, all alone, after what happened…”
She looked at her with sympathy, and Pinkie blushed, looking absurdly touched as she scraped a hoof against the floor before she smiled warmly, saying quietly: “I won’t be all alone, Rarity. I’ll always have my friends to turn to if something happens, I know that now… and it’s comforting enough to keep things at bay. Besides, when… these episodes, like Twilight called them, happen… they’re usually there and then gone, and for a little while… I’m safe. Like Pinkamena’s used up all her strength…”
“Why… do you call her Pinkamena, Pinkie? I… I don’t mean to pry but… I must admit that I am curious, although perchance in a dangerous fashion.” Rarity asked quietly, looking across at the fellow pony, and Pinkie hesitated a bit before the unicorn smiled. “My apologies. It’s simply that… before, you were barely speaking of her. And now… you speak her name, fearlessly, to us…”
“Fearlessly…” Pinkie frowned thoughtfully at this, looking down… and then she nodded firmly and glanced up, blushing a bit as she blurted: “It’s because of the rock farm… because when I used to be Pinkamena, I was… a bully.”
Rarity stared at Pinkie at this, then she blinked slowly before saying finally: “You? A bully, Pinkie Pie? Why, you’re the nicest pony in Ponyville!”
“I was never very nice to my sisters, though… I was never very nice to anyone.” Pinkie said after a moment, a blush tingeing her cheeks, but looking determined to get the story out anyway as she gazed embarrassedly up at Rarity. “I… would push my sisters down the rock piles we harvested. Or… just push the rocks down on top of them. I even picked on mom and dad and… the cousins and neighbors and… pretty much everyone else. I was a real little brat… I think that was why they were so… so shocked, so willing to play along with me when I started throwing parties.
“Yeah… that… I’m Pinkie Pie, and I guess I kind of locked away Pinkamena Diane Pie.” the earth pony nodded after a moment, looking down with a thoughtful frown. “I bet Twilight would like to hear this story, huh? I better remember to tell her… but… I dunno, Rarity, it seemed you needed to hear it more. Because if… I can become this happy nice person from the evil, wicked little brat I used to be… well… who says you can’t be what you really want to be either? And I don’t mean the ‘you’ that you thought you wanted to be… I mean the’ you’ that you really need to be.”
She glanced up at her with a smile, and the white unicorn blushed herself now before she reached up and quietly hugged the fellow mare, murmuring: “Thank you, Pinkie, for sharing that with me. It means a lot when… well… I suppose I’ve never felt quite like I fit in too well around here myself.”
“Yeah, but none of us fit in properly when you think about it, I think that’s why Twilight was able to bring us all together so well.” Pinkie replied with a smile, and Rarity looked surprised at this revelation before the pink equine quickly picked up one of the paper bags and thrust it towards the unicorn, Rarity wincing as she automatically caught it as her horn glowed before Pinkie Pie lowered her head and bulled her backwards around the counter, making her squeak. “Now go, go, go on! I’ll be fine but you won’t be if you keep letting all these thoughts squidge up your head!”
The small but strong pink pony pushed the unicorn almost to the door before she bounced backwards and smiled radiantly at her, and Rarity smiled over her shoulder despite herself, flicking her mane as the bag of cookies and other sugary snacks floated beside her before she said kindly: “Thank you, Pinkie Pie. I’ll take your advice then, and… see if you’re right.”
“Good.” Pinkie nodded a few times, and Rarity turned towards the door, opening it with a tilt of her head before she strode through, and the earth pony leaned in the doorway and called after her: “Remember, Rarity, take care of yourself!”
Rarity laughed a bit and glanced over her shoulder even as the door closed, and then she turned her attention back ahead as she strode through town towards the boutique, the little paper bag floating beside her as she glanced at this with amusement before shaking her head slowly and murmuring quietly: “Oh Pinkie. You see such good in people… and as much as I am supposed to be generous, you see to be a thousand times more so than I ever could be.”
She shook her head slowly, the paper bag opening and a cookie floating out, and Rarity couldn’t help but smile before she took a thoughtful bite out of this as she walked along, chewing slowly. Proper ladies weren’t supposed to eat such snack foods – in fact, they weren’t supposed to eat much at all, really – but she thought that if she was going to give up on her dreams, she might as well give up on all her proper ways, too.
She sighed a little to herself, chewing slowly and thoughtfully… but the food was admittedly good, at least. “If this is the taste of defeat, perhaps my crushing failure isn’t such an awful thing after all…”
“Are you okay, Rarity?” asked a gentle, hesitant voice, and Rarity glanced up with surprise to see Fluttershy standing nearby, pulling a small cart… and tugging a little red wagon along was Spike, the purple-scaled dragon glancing up at her with a bright smile and a shy wave of one of his nimble foreclaws.
Rarity smiled amusedly down at the little dragon: it was well known to everyone by now the crush the little fellow had on her, after all. He had a large crest of oval-shaped, green head-fins that were almost neon-bright and went from his forehead to the back of his neck, where they met a ridge of the same color that ran down his back to the tip of his tail, and radiant, smooth purple scales that covered most of his frame, turning to a lighter, pale olive over his inner body. His eyes were brilliant emerald, and small ear fins the same tint as covered his belly stood out from either side of his head… and these fluttered a little as the little dragon gazed up at her almost reverently, his other hand tightly gripping the handle of the wagon.
“I’m… just fine, it’s alright. But my, Fluttershy… it looks indeed as though you two have been rather busy.” Rarity looked curiously at the cart and the wagon, which were both filled with books and a small variety of other odds and ends as the shy pony fidgeted a bit on the spot with a small smile. “How much have you moved to the library so far?”
“Oh, this and that and… a few other things. Twilight let me set up a pen for Angel outside, as well, and a few of my other animal friends… but most of them can take care of themselves well enough without my help. I just need to check in every now and then, let them know I’m still around and make sure they’re eating properly and everything.” Fluttershy said quietly, nodding and smiling a little as Spike looked up with an awkward smile of his own. “I’m very glad that M- I mean, Twilight… is letting me stay with her…”
She blushed deep red, and Rarity studied the pony for a few moments, but then she only smiled a little and said quietly: “I’m very glad for it too then, Fluttershy. I’d like to ask you a question, if you’ll entertain me, though…”
Fluttershy looked at her curiously, nodding, and Rarity took a slow breath before she asked finally: “What do you think… money means in this world? To be wealthy… is it a good thing?”
Fluttershy looked down, pawing at the path quietly, silent as she thought… and then she looked up, meeting Rarity’s eyes with a quiet shake of her head. “No, I… I don’t think it is. Mother had a lot of money… and… well…”
“I understand. Thank you, Fluttershy.” Rarity glanced up, realizing she was still suspending the cookie beside her head on one side of her, and the bag of treats in the other… and then she smiled a little, flicking her mane as she gently guided the paper bag through the air to Spike, who caught it and then opened it with a bright smile as he saw what was inside. “Here, Spike. Since I see as always you’re working hard to help us all out. Besides, I’ve had my treat for the day… and ‘tis much better to share than it is to greedily hoard all to one’s self.”
“Yes… that’s where real happiness comes from, I think.” Fluttershy said quietly, and Rarity glanced up in surprise, half-stumbling as the Pegasus blushed deeply and lowered her head, before she shyly added: “I think you have a lot of potential to have… and to share… a lot of happiness with the world, Rarity. You just need to… remember a little more that you do.”
Rarity gazed affectionately at Fluttershy, nodding slowly after a moment… and then she smiled at her compassionately before turning to head towards her boutique, head lowered in thought. So much advice… and so many of them sounded naïve, were what the rich crowds of Manehattan and the other big cities would call ‘gullible country folk thoughts’ and would treat with such contempt… while they lived lives of cheating and backstabbing each other in a glitzy-glam world of lies…
She shook her head with a grimace… then looked up with a frown as she saw the door to her boutique was open. She hurried forwards, muttering to herself and wondering if Snips and Snails had decided to help themselves to the ‘shiny rocks’ she had… and then she blinked as she shouldered her way through the door and found a tall, handsome male unicorn surveying her dresses with a thoughtful look on his face, small, half-crescent sunglasses perched on his muzzle and expensive – very, very expensive – spider-silk garments covering his body, a cravat puffed out over his chest and small diamonds glittering on the cuffs and collar of his clothing.
Rarity dropped what remained of the cookie floating beside her as she stared at this as the chestnut-coated pony glanced at her, his long blonde mane falling around his head, his tail braided tightly back and dyed red… and he gave her a smile that didn’t reach his eyes as he asked calmly: “Rarity, the owner of this boutique, I presume? I let myself in to survey your wares, I hope you don’t mind at all.”
His tone implied that he would be offended if she was anything but overjoyed… and yet she could only continue to stare, her mouth working a few times before she spluttered: “Y-You’re… you’re Chic Trendy, from Manehattan! You own the Pony Show Theatre, and the-”
“Yes, and a vast number of other things, you don’t have to list my wide array of accomplishments for me.” Chic Trendy said easily, polishing one hoof against his chest as he preened himself… and then looked almost disappointed when Rarity didn’t continue to tell him about his own achievements anyway, huffing a little before he said mildly: “One of my designers has gone and flown the coop on me at the last moment, and I’m in need of someone else to fill in the empty space and give me some gorgeous dresses for my pretty pony girls…I heard your name and I was hoping we could negotiate a deal. It would be a wonderful opportunity for you, dear… imagine your name up in lights, working beside some of the highest names in the fashion world in Manehattan for three nights, your dresses shown to the glitziest of the glamorous…”
Rarity trembled, beginning to bounce eagerly on the spot as she breathed hard, staring raptly at the male as he smiled charmingly at her, tilting his head towards her before he turned around and ordered in his complacent, easy voice: “I need ten dresses, different, beautiful, better than the tawdry stock you have on display.” He paused, flicking irritably at one of the sets of clothes that adorned a dress pony, and Rarity winced a bit before she slowly walked forwards, expression fading as she looked quietly at this.
It was a sea-green dress… part of her full-color fashion line that Sweetie Belle had accidentally helped her in creating. And then she glanced sharply towards where Chic Trendy was standing and studying the garments hanging over the wall opposite of the boutique, his back to her as he said distastefully: “I would prefer to rent the clothing from you, instead of purchasing. Thirty percent.”
“Off?” Rarity asked stupidly, and the male laughed as if this was a great joke before Rarity gritted her teeth as he glanced towards another display, this one of hats and fascinators.
“Oh, darling, you’re hilarious. No, thirty percent of the original price… for the dresses. Accessories, well… you can throw those in for free. I expect you to provide the full wear for each outfit, after all… and while I am willing to work with what you have, please provide me with something a little less… garish than this.” The pony walked forwards, absently flicking a peacock feather plume on a wide-brimmed hat. “I wish for my models to look sexy. Not… what’s a nice word for silly?”
He sniffed, glancing back and forth through the boutique… and Rarity ground her teeth together loudly before he glanced over his shoulder at her, seeming to miss the angry expression on the unicorn’s face as she said easily: “And of course, since really this is more like me doing you a favor… you’ll be glad to wait until after the fashion show and… after the reviews come in, of course, for me to pay you, yes? Magnificent, I-”
“Get out!” Rarity snapped, leaning forwards with a snarl, and the stallion staggered backwards with a shocked look as his sunglasses fell askew, the unicorn glaring at him furiously as she shouted: “I have had enough of this absolute nonsense from you and your kind! To be treated like the dirt beneath the hooves of a common farmhand… nay, even Applejack treats the dirt kinder than your lot has treated me! Get out, get out of my shop, and never show your face in here again, you or your… other vultures, I am no carrion for you to prey on, no more will I be a slave to the whims of cretins like yourself, now get out before I throw you out!”
“You can’t speak to me that way! I’ll… I’ll make sure you never work in any major city if you dare raise your voice to me again, now apologize and understand that I am offering you the chance of a lifetime here!” The male unicorn was rapidly trying to navigate towards the door, however, knocking over a dress pony and then almost crashing into a rack as he veered around and hollered: “I’ll… I’ll destroy you, it only takes me dropping your name to the right people, you’ll never work in the big city, never be true fashion designer, never see anything outside of this little dreg of an ugly village…”
“How dare you!” Rarity’s horn glowed, and immediately a volley of shoes launched themselves from the rack towards the unicorn, who screeched under the hail of hoof-wear as rubber and leather smacked into him and sent him staggering backwards before he hit the wall… then Rarity snapped her head to the side, and a pair of scissors shot from the counter to bury themselves into the doorframe next to him, the stallion yelping in terror as Rarity snarled: “Out, I said, out! I’d rather stay here forever than spend one more hour sucking up to the likes of you!”
“You can’t do this to me!” he squealed, whiny, pedantic, terrified, and then he ducked under the scissors buried in the wall and dashed for the door, shooting outside as Rarity gave chase with an angry yell, her horn glowing as other objects launched themselves after him out the doorway: a stool, several clothes hangers… and last, a flurry of gemstones she had been meaning to attach to her latest outfit, the large, heavy rubies smacking one-after another into the male and knocking him staggering before the last slammed into the back of his skull and sent him skidding forwards on his face over the dirt path, covering his expensive clothes with dust.
He lay for a moment, stupefied and staring mindlessly down the dirt road, and then Rarity gave a loud huff before she slammed the door of her boutique and turned around… and then the expression, the anger, faded slowly from her face as she stared quietly over the inside of her own beautiful little shop. Well, it was beautiful to her, anyway… but apparently not to the ‘real’ fashion designers…
She closed her eyes, lowering her head as she walked silently forwards… and then sighed as there was a knock at the door before she looked over her shoulder and flicked her head to the side with a foul look on her face… and then she blinked in surprise at the sight of her little sister, Sweetie Belle. The small unicorn bounced gleefully inside, her silver and purple, tangled mane bouncing around her as she stared up with amazement at her sister, asking eagerly: “Rarity, Rarity, what happened? Wow, you really showed that guy something, what did he do, what did he want?”
Rarity smiled down at her as Sweetie Belle gazed up at her eagerly with her beautiful, shining blue eyes, and then she smiled and leaned down, impulsively nuzzling and hugging her firmly close, and Sweetie Belle let out a sound of confusion and surprise before the taller unicorn stood back and flicked her violet, corkscrewed mane to the side, saying firmly: “It’s not important now, Sweetie Belle. What’s important is that I do know what matters to me… now, why don’t we go back home? To Mom and Dad’s, I mean… it’s been a long time since I sat down to supper with you three, now hasn’t it?”
“Yeah, yeah!” Sweetie Belle said excitedly, bouncing up and down… and then she looked up at her curiously, asking with a frown: “But don’t you usually have to work?”
Rarity looked down at her thoughtfully for a moment, and then she smiled softly, saying quietly: “No, Sweetie Belle. Some things are more important than work and money. Tonight I’d much rather prefer to spend it with the family I’ve admittedly… been a little neglectful of in the past.”
Sweetie Belle smiled brightly up at her at this, nodding rapidly, and Rarity smiled softly back, gazing into her sister’s happy eyes, and for the first time in a long time, found herself feeling truly content.
Six Broken Ponies: Infantilism
Fluttershy gazed softly after Rarity, then she glanced down at Spike and smiled a little as the baby dragon shoved a cookie into his muzzle, greedily munching it up before he blushed a bit and held the paper bag up… but the Pegasus only shook her head, saying softly: “No, Spike, you go right ahead. Besides, you deserve a treat for all the help you’ve given me today.”
Spike gave a whoop at this, and he promptly shoved the last remaining cookie from the bag into his muzzle before stuffing the empty bag between the pile of books he was lugging, following quickly as Fluttershy began to walk towards the library, the cart’s wooden wheels creaking quietly as she strode at an easy pace. The young dragon kept up to her, but he was showing a little bit more strain from the long day of moving things as he said finally: “This is kind of a lot of stuff for a sleepover, Fluttershy… how long are you going to be staying with us, anyway?”
“Oh Spike, it’s okay, I know that you know.” Fluttershy said almost shyly, and Spike cleared his throat awkwardly and glanced away, rubbing at his face embarrassedly before the Pegasus stuttered quickly: “B-But if it’s easier to pretend otherwise, I mean… we can always… I’m certainly glad to-”
“No, no, it’s fine, it’s okay. I’m not going to say I don’t think what I saw last night was a little… weird… but I guess that’s between you and Twilight, really, and… I know Twilight well enough to know she wouldn’t ever hurt anypony and… you… well… didn’t seem to mind.” Spike stopped, then he smiled a little awkwardly at her, asking hesitantly: “If… it’s not… you know, too much for me to ask… when you’re an adult, do you really want to be treated like… well…”
“A foal?” Fluttershy smiled a little, closing her eyes and thinking of the night before: how Twilight had let her sleep in her bed, cuddled up to her, small and childlike, how she had rocked her and cooed to her and whispered to her, how she had told her how much she cared for her… and the memories made her feel fuzzy and warm and helped push away the nervous thoughts, the scared thoughts, the so-deeply-etched scars of worthlessness that still pulsed inside her being. “Well, Spike… I guess that’s hard for me to say. Rainbow Dash and Applejack and Rarity, I don’t think any of them would like to be treated that way… and Twilight is… a very good mother, as I’m sure you must know yourself.”
“What, no, no, no… no… okay, maybe.” Spike admitted after a moment, rubbing awkwardly at his head. “I guess everyone’s different, huh? Weird, all the same… no offense.”
“It’s alright, Spike. I don’t mind.” Fluttershy smiled over at him as they continued towards the library, then she laughed a little and shook her head slowly. “I know it’s very strange… but… for some reason, it makes me very comfortable. I’m sorry if it bothers you at all…”
The dragon shook his head quickly at this, however, saying quickly: “No, it’s… like I said, it’s weird, but a lot of things in Ponyville are weird to me. Zecora’s weird, too, but I like her plenty… and Rainbow’s weird, but I wouldn’t change her for the world.”
Then both Fluttershy and Spike looked up as Applejack and Rainbow Dash raced by, both tossing a cheerful greeting to the Pegasus and the dragon… and Spike’s jaw dropped as he stared quickly after Rainbow, spluttering: “R-R-R-Rainbow Dude?”
Fluttershy only smiled over her shoulder, however, saying quietly: “I guess Twilight’s spell worked… my, look at them, though… and without a care about what any of the other ponies of Ponyville think. I wish I could be like more like those two…”
“I… what? Okay, remember what I was saying about things being weird before? I take that back. Now they’re weird.” Spike said finally, rubbing at his face, and then he grimaced and jogged quickly ahead to catch up with Fluttershy as she continued placidly towards the library. “Not that I’m complaining or anything, since… it would actually be nice to have another guy to hang out with once in a while… but why is Rainbow Dash…”
“Well, it’s like I was just saying, Spike. Everyone’s different.” Fluttershy said softly, and then she smiled a little over her shoulder at him, saying quietly: “It’s like how we prefer hay and you prefer gemstones. But if we ever tried to eat gemstones, we’d find them pretty yucky. We know that, instinctively, like many animals know what to eat and what to not eat. I enjoy being treated… in a certain way… and Rainbow Dash feels instinctively like a boy, not like a girl. I guess that just means we’re all… weird. But we do know what we… weirdly want.”
Spike smiled a bit at this, and then he said quietly: “Okay, okay, I guess I get it. You know… if Twilight really was a mother, I guess that would make me her adopted kid, and you’d be like her daughter, huh… so that would make you my sister.”
Fluttershy blushed at this, but the gaze she gave Spike was a warm one as she murmured softly: “Yes. Yes, I suppose you’re right at that.”
Then she glanced up as the library came into sight, and she smiled softly, almost dreamily: in a way, perhaps it was a strange thing she had found, but it was good, too, in its strange fashion. Twilight mothered her – literally and figuratively – and that was what Fluttershy needed, especially right now. A mother, a parent figure, a someone who would be there to look out for her, show her what real tenderness and affection were, treat her like she truly had worth and value… and her eyes half-lidded as she looked past the small kennel and pen that had been set up in front of the library, bringing the cart to a halt by the main door.
Spike walked past to push the door open, wheezing as he hauled the wagon firmly forwards over the threshold and pulled the stack of books and a few other assorted items inside, looking back and forth as he called: “Twilight, you around? We’re back!”
He paused, and then shrugged a bit and looked over his shoulder as Fluttershy walked in, carrying a large bag over her back. “Well, I guess she’s not here… but she’s been real busy lately, running all over the place and everything. I’ll go take a look outside for her, let you set up… I’m supposed to stop by the stationary store anyway before it gets too late. You know Twilight… we’re always running out of quills and parchment and ink.”
Fluttershy nodded, saying quietly: “Alright, Spike. That’s fine… I’m going to just bring the rest of the things I need inside them and I’ll set myself up, maybe put a little something on for dinner for when you and Twilight come back.”
“Dinner on time for once. I’m liking this more already.” Spike said with a smile, rubbing at his stomach, and Fluttershy blushed a little before he turned and headed out the door. Fluttershy watched him go… and then she closed her eyes and gave a soft laugh before shaking her mane out slowly.
“So wonderful…” She turned around, carrying the pack upstairs, and she gently dropped this at the foot of the bed. She gazed fondly at this, the simple, neatly-pressed sheets sitting as if patiently awaiting their occupant… or in this case, occupants, and Fluttershy smiled softly before she turned around, heading back downstairs and through the large central room of the library to the open doorway.
It only took her a few trips to get most of her things inside: clothing, some odds and ends, supplies for animals, cushions, extra blankets… Twilight’s home in the library was surprisingly sparse. So much of what Fluttershy had brought, she planned to leave here when she did one day return to her little cabin… both to give back a little to the unicorn, and because she thought it would go to better use reminding Twilight to relax every now and then instead of sitting around with all her other knickknacks and trinkets in her comfortable little cabin.
Fluttershy carefully pulled open one of the larger sacks, digging through it… and then smiling softly as she pulled out a snug onesie that was the same blonde as her coat, made of warm, comfortable mink fleece and with a pattern of various-colored butterflies stitched here and there through the fabric. She carefully slid her way into this, hoofs fitting perfectly in the well-worn little booties at the bottom of each sleeve, tail flicking through the small hole in the back and collar snug around her neck when her head pushed through… and she sighed a little in relief as she straightened and stretched, enjoying the feeling of the warm material clinging against her body.
She dug back through the bag… and a moment later, produced a small, stuffed black bear, with gleaming button eyes and an almost-solemn, stitched mouth, a red blanket tied tightly around its neck to form a little cape. She hugged this fiercely close and kissed its forehead, then pressed her face down into it as she murmured softly: “Mr. Bearingtons. Don’t worry, Mommy won’t forget about you. It’s just that now… Mommy has her own mommy.”
She smiled a little, closing her eyes and squeezing it close again before she gently tossed him onto her back, carrying him downstairs and murmuring softly: “Now, let’s see what mother has, shall we? I want to be a good daughter, after all.”
Fluttershy smiled a little at this, liking those words… and while it might not seem like the healthiest way to deal with her problems, she thought it was probably a whole lot better than punishing herself. Besides, she recognized that it was only fantasy… and she was determined, most of all, to ensure that she would treat Twilight just as wonderfully as Twilight treated her. It wasn’t simply about being taken care of… it was more about the fact that the unicorn made her feel like she had real worth, and took care of her, and reminded her that she and others cared about her… when all her mother had ever done…
Fluttershy shook her head slowly as she made her way to the rear of the library and the small pantry Twilight kept, sorting quietly through it. After the years and years of detached treatment and the utter and complete inability to ever get her mother to notice her, it wasn’t hard to trade her biological mother out for a better mother figure, even if she and Twilight were roughly the same age.
She closed her eyes as she began to pull things out of the pantry, piling them on a small table nearby that looked like it went mostly unused: she guessed Twilight probably ate most of the time in the library, probably while studying or researching. This thought made the Pegasus smile a little as she shook her head a bit, murmuring softly: “I hope I can at least make something good enough for her to enjoy… the way she’s giving me such special treatment and attention even while everyone else is suffering so awfully… it means so much to me. But it feels like, over this last while, Twilight’s been working so very extra hard to care for us all and fix all our problems… I only hope we haven’t stolen too much of her strength away. She must be exhausted…”
Fluttershy paused, then she glanced down quietly, nodding slowly at this and murmuring: “And I do feel a little bad about that, Mr. Bearingtons. Not just about Twilight, I mean… also about the fact that she’s spending so much time looking after little useless me when Rainbow Dash has been so desperate to be a male and Rarity almost lost her boutique… and Pinkie Pie, poor Pinkie Pie… I can’t imagine what that must have been like for her. My… my mother was bad enough with her... everything... but if I had something… inside me…”
She shook her head slowly, saying quietly: “Even Applejack had such problems, and here in Ponyville most of us think Applejack is invincible, Mr. Bearingtons. I guess it’s a little silly, but… she was always like a real-life hero to many of us. Strong, dependable… and yet she wasn’t even above awful feelings. I felt so sorry for her, when she confessed loving Big Mac… she should have gone and talked to him right away about that, I think. I know, maybe I’m… maybe I’m not worthless, and I should still keep opinions like that to myself, but… well, Mr. Bearingtons, I guess you just have a way of making me talk more than I should.”
She stopped, then smiled a little as she looked down: her hooves had automatically gone about the process of organizing the foodstuffs she had brought out of the pantry. She shook her head, then roved through the cupboards of the not-quite-kitchen in the back of the library: it was more like a converted storage area, and Twilight obviously didn’t use it for much… and Fluttershy laughed a little at this thought, murmuring: “It’s funny, isn’t it? My mother didn’t use her kitchen much either… but I always did. Here I am again, working in the kitchen for my self-adopted mother… and yet… now I’m very eager to, to try and prove my worth.”
She shook her head a little, but her smile lingered on her muzzle as she gathered several bowls, cups and utensils together, quickly moving these out to the table and automatically starting to talk to her teddy bear again, as it bounced quietly on her back and almost seemed to cling to her mane: “I think… the nicest thing, and what’s also almost the hardest thing, though… is the lack of punishments. The fact that I’m not expected anymore to cut or hurt myself, but much the opposite. They want me to take care of myself…”
Fluttershy smiled a little at this, heading around the table before she picked up a head of lettuce and quickly began to shred leaves from it into the largest wooden bowl. “But… what was I talking about? Oh yes, of course, Mr. Bearingtons. Poor Applejack… she should have just told Big Mac right away. He cares about her very much, after all… I know he’d never hurt her. But it looks like she must have this morning… although it seems she also must have spoken with Rainbow Dash at some length as well. They make a good couple, don’t you think?”
She stopped, then glanced down into the bowl quietly for a few moments before she smiled a little again. “I don’t think I like Twilight like that, Mr. Bearingtons, don’t be silly. No, she… takes care of me, and I certainly care very deeply for her. But Applejack and Rainbow Dash have something… special… between them, anyone can see that.” Fluttershy paused, then she glanced down and murmured softly: “On the other hand, what do I know of things like… love? Mother never loved me, it turns out… and that’s been… difficult to process the true depths of. Every time I think about it, what she taught me, the fact she was once my whole world despite how, at the same time, we’ve always been so… so distant from each other…”
The Pegasus shook her head quickly, then she grimaced a little as she went back to quickly preparing the rest of the vegetables and other foods she had laid out with little difficulty despite the booties over her hooves, making a salad and preparing a side of lightly-toasted bread she lightly brushed with tart raspberry jam. She laid this out over the table, humming a little to herself as she worked, and then she looked thoughtfully at the large bowl of salad she had prepared before murmuring: “Well, maybe there’s something else in the pantry.”
She paused long enough to gently place her plush bear off her back and sit it on top of the dusty table, away from the food, and then Fluttershy picked up the remaining lettuce, loaf of bread, and other foodstuffs she hadn’t used all of, carrying them with her back to the pantry and putting them away. “Don’t leave a mess, Fluttershy, mother wouldn’t like that.”
She hummed softly to herself as she sorted through the pantry a little, looking to see if there was any salad dressing… but when she failed to find any, the pony simply smiled a little and instead gathered several jars of spices and a few other ingredients to merely make the salad dressing herself.
It was a simple enough task after she managed to find an empty jar, and Fluttershy smiled a bit when she finally set this up, looking over the meal she had prepared thoughtfully before brightening as she turned and headed back to the library’s main room, intent on fetching some tea from her own packs to finish off setting up for the meal… and then she glanced up in surprise as Twilight pushed through the door with a tired look on her face, closing it behind her loudly before she blinked and then smiled faintly at Fluttershy, drawing her violet irises over her as the Pegasus blushed and said awkwardly: “Oh, I’m sorry, Twilight… I guess I shouldn’t’ve changed right away, but… oh, no, I haven’t quite finished dinner yet, either, I was just going to get some tea to brew… maybe I-”
“Wait, you made dinner? Oh, Fluttershy, you didn’t have to do that.” Twilight smiled warmly nonetheless, however, looking visibly relieved as she stepped forwards… and Fluttershy gazed over her tenderly before it turned to a look of concern as Twilight gave a brief shake of her head, seeming to lose focus for a moment.
Immediately, the Pegasus rushed over to her, and Twilight blushed and straightened before wincing as Fluttershy carefully pushed her forwards towards a large cushion, saying embarrassedly: “Oh, hey now, Fluttershy, I’m fine, really! I just… it’s been a busy day and that spell on Rainbow I put maybe too much extra in and…”
“No, no, you sit down right there, Twilight. Listen to your daughter… even if I’m only that in play.” Fluttershy said firmly, despite the meekness in her stance and the blush in her cheeks… but her eyes shone with concern and adoration, and Twilight couldn’t help but smile up at her, swallowing and not knowing how to respond as she sat herself quietly down. Fluttershy loosened up after a moment, and then she leaned forwards and nuzzled her quietly, making Twilight laugh a little and relax further as she said gently: “Let me fetch my tea and put that on, and then I’ll bring your dinner in here to you. You can relax… Spike was out looking for you, though, but he also mentioned picking up some stationary…”
“He never does stop until his chores are done… I’ve always liked that about him. And really, Fluttershy, you don’t have to do all this for me… I mean, okay, I’m a little tired, maybe, but I thought I’d just sit down and study and…” But when Twilight glanced up, Fluttershy had already vanished up the stairs, and she grimaced before rolling her head on her shoulders with a sigh, muttering to herself under her breath but smiling all the same.
The Pegasus hurried down the stairs with a small brown leather bag hanging from her mouth, almost stumbling past in her eagerness as she ran back to the kitchen… and within less than a minute, she returned carrying a tray, and Twilight looked down in surprise at the large bowl of salad she was served, along with the slices of bread, as Fluttershy said awkwardly: “I… put the kettle on, so your tea will be ready soon as well, m… Twilight.”
“You… can say it if you want, Fluttershy. I don’t mind. I think it’s… very endearing.” Twilight blushed a little, looking awkwardly down before she smiled slightly as her eyes roved up at Fluttershy’s blush… and then she laughed quietly, her smile spreading wider as she spotted the stuffed animal now riding on the back of the Pegasus. “And who’s that?”
“Oh, this… this is Mr. Bearingtons.” Fluttershy said awkwardly, quietly reaching back and then lifting him forwards, and she smiled faintly as Twilight’s horn glowed and the bear was gently lifted into the air so the unicorn could better inspect it, gazing over the teddy bear. “I don’t remember much… about how he came to be. He wasn’t a gift from my biological mother… but even she could never get me to part from him, no matter how much… she disapproved. His… cape is silly, but it’s a blanket from when I was a baby… I… I’ve always kept him around. He was always there… I think, he was always secretly telling me… I was worthwhile. But I never really started listening to him until you and the others came into my life, for all… all that I would talk to him.”
Twilight studied him quietly, then she glanced up at Fluttershy before she gazed down at the food she had prepared for her, and the unicorn smiled faintly, closing her eyes as the Pegasus gently took her bear back and looked with concern down at her… and then Twilight murmured: “You know… maybe today was harder than I let on at first. The spell for Rainbow drained all my energy, then I had to dash around to see Pinkie Pie and see about helping her after she had a nasty little episode, and… I just got back from seeing Applejack and Rainbow Dash. The spell’s still in effect somehow… I don’t think it’ll be much longer, he’s… starting to change back to a she… but… I dunno. This… this really makes it all worthwhile. I was getting so run down and burnt out and starting to wonder if I could really help anyone at all, but…”
Twilight looked down at the food in front of her, then she smiled and scooped some of the salad into her mouth, chewing slowly on it, then closing her eyes as she swallowed and gave a quiet laugh as Fluttershy looked down at her softly. “Don’t ever believe again you don’t have value, Fluttershy. You just… honestly… turned this from a tiring, stressful day… into something wonderful. Because this is what friendship really is all about… because you remind me that it’s not just about doing for others, it’s about letting them help you, too.”
She quieted, then gazed over at her affectionately and slid over a bit on the large cushion, and Fluttershy gladly joined her and snuggled up against her, curling her teddy bear close under one limb with a quiet sigh as she smiled brightly and closed her eyes, and Twilight gazed down at her softly, murmuring: “God, Fluttershy, look at you… you really do look like… my beautiful little girl. I… I kind of like that thought.”
Fluttershy only smiled in return, shyly nuzzling against her neck and closing her eyes as she whispered: “And I like that you make me feel… valuable. That you give me what I need right now… and I know how strange this is, but while I’m attempting to escape my past, and maybe reality a little, I’m not trying to part from it completely. But I enjoy this fantasy… and enjoy more your willingness to play along with me.”
“You should eat too then, my little girl, you went through all this trouble for me, after all…” Twilight smiled slightly, but Fluttershy only laughed quietly and buried her face against the side of her neck, and it made the unicorn smile wider before she automatically wrapped a forelimb around the Pegasus… and when she sighed in quiet appreciation and pushed closer to her, she held her all the tighter, murmuring softly: “Alright then, we’ll wait until tea’s ready. And Fluttershy… thank you.”
“No, mother… thank you. Thank you truly, for everything… for giving me hope, and helping me understand my value, and that…” She stopped, flexing her stomach quietly, feeling the pallid scars on her underbelly scratching against the fleecy fabric… and yet it was without pain, as she smiled quietly, almost trembling as she pushed herself tighter against Twilight as the violet unicorn looked down at her with compassion in her eyes. “Simply… thank you, for giving me… a place where I belong.”
And Fluttershy smiled quietly, feeling free of her past, feeling like she was able to truly share herself here and now, as she curled herself tighter to Twilight and lowered her head against her, listening to the melody of her adopted mother’s heart; content.
Six Broken Ponies: Ether’s Dusk
Twilight lay comfortably on the large cushion, Fluttershy still curled against her side, almost dozing in her warm, soft joy. On the floor in front of them, two cups of tea quietly steamed… and gathered in a rough circle, five other ponies and a baby dragon sat, gazing around at each other with hesitant smiles.
Pinkie Pie looked perkier, better than this afternoon, even if she was still a little quiet… but that was certainly understandable, after what had happened. She had brought a small box of cupcakes for them all to share from the shop, and given much of what she’d made today over to Rarity despite her protests, only saying kindly that she deserved it for helping out so much and watching out for her.
Rarity herself was smiling, looking comfortable as she sat back on another cushion, an old straw hat on her head. Not very fashionable, but she seemed less concerned now with material things… and she had confessed her dinner with her family had done a lot for her. Sitting down with her less-than-rich parents and studying how they could still be happy despite everything, seeing what real generosity was… it had all seemed so much healthier, so much more wonderful than the rich ponies who lived in their ivory towers and only did everything for their own selfish aims… and yet were so often never truly happy, always distrustful of the world, always hating everything around them and wanting more, never at peace.
Rarity would rather be like her parents than one of those so-called ‘wonderful ponies…’ and speaking of parents, Fluttershy had not meekly tried to hide herself tonight. Instead, shy as she was, she kept herself firmly pressed to Twilight, curled up comfortably against her side where she still was, even now… and although it was difficult for the others to grasp, no one said anything as they saw the compassion between the two: they only watched, but made no judgments… not after everything they had been through in the last few days.
Rainbow Dash had turned back into a mare, although the spell had lasted much longer than Twilight had anticipated… and even though she was a 'she,' Applejack still referred to Rainbow firmly as a ‘he,’ and the Pegasus seemed to appreciate this small but important gesture. The two were pressed together as they gazed around the room, and it was truly heartwarming.
Spike, lastly, had found them all here after his run to the quill store, but no one had turned him away: in a way, he was like their little audience, the test run for their new selves. He was a friend who was a little further outside the group, but a friend all the same… someone they all felt comfortable with, to one degree or another. And sure, lots of ponies had seen Applejack and Rainbow Dash running around, had probably also witnessed Rarity throwing Chic Trendy out of the store, and had likely noticed both Fluttershy moving in as well as Pinkie Pie’s calmness… but none of them had yet to really allow the others in Ponyville to see their few but pronounced changes.
Not that they were about to go showing them off… but Twilight didn’t think they’d be hiding them, either, as she smiled a little and sipped quietly at her tea before looking over them all, her eyes settling on Rainbow Dash after a moment as she asked curiously: “So… five, almost six hours, right?”
Rainbow nodded, smiling warmly, still looking elated: it was as if the male-in-mind Pegasus had just won some important race, and in front of the Wonderbolts no less. “Yeah, yeah! It was… it was amazing.” Rainbow softened, toning down and glancing at the floor almost abashedly before looking back up with a warm smile. “I can’t… thank you enough, Twilight. I feel comfortable with myself, for the first time in a long time. I feel… right about myself. Or well, I mean, I felt really right in that body, now I don’t feel as right but… I think I can be patient, hard as that is for me.”
She stopped, glancing over at Applejack with a soft smile, and Applejack gazed back at her affectionately, murmuring: “That’s right, sugar-cube. We got each other, don’t we? I mean, we all gots each other but… well, y’all know what I mean.” She stopped, looking almost embarrassed before she gazed around the group quietly. “I only thank my lucky stars every minute now that I have such good friends… open-minded, compassionate, just good friends, who helped me do some things I probably should have done a long time ago and see the world for… for the special people in it.”
She smiled at Rainbow Dash, and Fluttershy yawned a little as she stretched before gazing up softly, saying gently: “I’m only glad that everything’s worked out so well for… for all of us. None of us have to be alone, or feel left out anymore. We can all be confident in… having each other.”
“Yeah, it’s… it’s real swell.” Pinkie Pie added with a smile, looking brightly around the room as she straightened a bit, then closed her eyes and nodded firmly. “It feels a lot better this way, too. Everything feels so much better… and safer, too. For me, and for everyone around me. I almost feel like yelling that we should have a party or singing a song but… I think I’ll keep it toned down just a little for the next few days, just in case.”
She smiled, gazing around at them all, and Rarity laughed quietly, shaking her head as she looked around at the others affectionately. “Yes, I know exactly what Pinkie means… it’s been years since I was able to sit down, not worrying constantly about how I looked, not thinking constantly about money or respect… only enjoying my time with my friends. It’s a nice feeling… and while I have no plans to stop being the most fashionable pony in Ponyville, I certainly have no intention of chasing glittery lights that just lead to nightmares any longer.”
Twilight nodded at this, looking warmly around at the five before she glanced towards Spike with a slight smile, saying quietly: “Good thing you picked up parchment. I think another long letter to Princess Celestia is in order.”
Spike jumped to his feet and saluted before running off as the others shared a quiet laugh… and for a few hours, they relaxed together, talking, adding tidbits now and then to the long letter they drafted together, studying one another and watching the ways they were adjusting both to each other and to themselves. It was a comfortable evening, during which they were all able to talk a little bit more about each of their own problems when they liked, and otherwise only bask in the confident compassion of the company of friends… and finally, the others began to leave as it grew dark and late, Rarity saying quietly she had promised to spend tonight with her parents and see Sweetie Belle to school, Pinkie Pie saying warmly that Mrs. Cake had a surprise for her in the candy shop before bed, Rainbow Dash and Applejack awkwardly fumbling some nonsense about a ‘sleepover’ before Twilight had simply laughed and shooed them away.
She had walked Fluttershy up to bed to tuck her quietly in, and done the same with Spike despite the baby dragon’s protests… but after a little grumbling, he had fallen quickly asleep in his comfy basket, and Twilight had smiled despite herself. She liked watching out for other people… and she shook her head after a moment before turning and heading quietly back down the stairs, returning to the main library to work a little in a research log she was steadily forever compiling, a blue lantern glowing quietly on the desk beside her.
The violet unicorn, however, soon felt her eyes growing heavy… and then she slowly settled to the desk, yawning and murmuring: “Just… need to rest my head for a moment…”
And a moment later she was asleep, in front of the window gazing out into the starlit night, tired after all the business of the day… and in her sleep, Twilight twitched once before she felt herself descending, descending, into darkness, into a dreamscape, and when the unicorn slowly opened her eyes, she knew she was no longer awake… and yet with only a single glance around, she also knew she wasn’t in a dream of her own making.
Beneath her hooves, the ground stretched out white and dusty, a bleak, eternal wasteland that was cracked here and there, littered with broken stones and the only life a few ugly, gnarled and long-dead trees that loomed here and there over the tundra. The sky above was black and cold, blindly shadowing the strange world she stood in… and then Twilight grimaced as she heard a soft sigh before she spun around… and stared in shock at none other than Discord.
The Draconequus sat with strange calm on an outcropping of stone, his elongated, serpentine body straight, dragon’s tail flicking, one scaled leg crossed over the mismatched, furred lower limb. The eagle’s talon at the end of his gaunt left arm was tented with the leonine paw of his right, and his single fang glinted in features that were more goat-like than pony, with thick, bushy white eyebrows and a ruffled beard, glowing amber eyes with tiny red irises full of terrible knowledge. An antler stood up from one side of his skull, and a twisted blue horn from the other, and Twilight growled at him… but Discord only rose his hands as his mismatched wings – one leathery, bat-like, the other a blue Pegasus wing – flapped once before settling as he said almost mockingly: “Now, Twilight, dear. I know you’re not exactly part of my fan club, but hey, you’re a mature big-girl, aren’t you?”
“What are you even doing here, Discord? We already defeated you and stopped you from spreading evil over Equestria.” Twilight snapped, and Discord looked insulted at this, leaning back and touching his chest with a hurt expression. “Oh, don’t give me that, you transformed Ponyville into nothing but chaos!”
“Yes, exactly, chaos!” Discord snapped his fingers… but that was all that occurred, and he visibly sulked for a moment before sighing and kicking off the rock, striding forwards and looking moody as he put his hands behind his back. “You swallowed Celestia’s little lies so easily, Twilight Sparkle, I’m really quite disappointed in you. I thought you were all brainy.”
Discord leaned down, making a face at her and waggling his fingers on either side of his head, and Twilight gritted her teeth as she glared angrily up at him before the incarnation of chaos dropped his hands, resting them on his hips and saying distastefully: “There is nothing wrong with a little chaos. Your friend Pinkie Pie knows that… and so okay, maybe I have a… shall we say… bad habit of playing practical jokes on others that sometimes get a little out of hand. But baby, I don’t mean any real harm… well, okay, that’s almost a lie, since I was forced to try and get rid of you six… although I feel I must point out, again, that I didn’t actually harm any of you.”
“You turned us against each other and tried to shatter our friendship.” Twilight said sharply, and Discord sighed and rolled his eyes, yawning loudly in her face… and the unicorn gritted her teeth before she stepped forwards and simply slammed her head into the Draconequus’s mismatched features.
Immediately, Discord yelled in surprise and toppled onto his back, grabbing at his face with a wince and covering his sensitive nose as his eyes watered… and Twilight stared in surprise as he skittered backwards before rubbing moodily at his muzzle, curled low and suspicious now. She looked at him, and he glowered back before uncovering his maw and muttering: “You’re almost as bad-tempered as that foul little monster Luna. I used to have more than one fang in my mouth, you know. But oh no, Discord can’t have anything symmetrical except his eyebrows, so she made sure to take care of that for me.”
The male sniffed distastefully, and then he straightened and crossed his arms moodily as Twilight frowned at him, saying slowly: “You’re not… you don’t have any of your powers here, do you?”
“Little thing about chaos, babe. I’m not complicated, I’m not much of a schemer. I like things to change on the fly… it’s why I started with ‘hey, let’s play a game with the ponies’ to ‘hey, let’s get them lost in the hedge maze since they’re too dumb to figure out my riddle’ to ‘hey, let’s really mess them all up to get them out of my hair so I can go make Celestia miserable’ to ‘hey, I know, I’ll just trick the annoying blue one into leaving the game, thus securing my victory.’ You really think I planned that all out, or do you think it just happened?” Discord asked flatly, crossing his arms, and Twilight looked at him stupidly. “I’m a troublemaker, but I don’t start too many fires. Sure, I think the best giggles come from messing with other people. But you ponies are the ones who keep hitting me in the face and turning me to freaking stone!”
Twilight winced a little at this, shuffling awkwardly on the spot, and Discord sighed as he floated up into the air, hovering on his side and resting his head on one hand, raising his other in a lackadaisical motion. “Don’t feel so good about yourself now, do you? Because you know, Twilight, it’s not like I’ve ever had a problem with you or the ponies… my real beef is with pretty little Celestia. You know, back in the day, I didn’t really rule Equestria. I was more like a storm, roving from place to place, having my fun, getting my kicks. And seriously, come on, I made the clouds cotton candy and rain chocolate frigging milk. Are you really going to tell me that’s an act of pure evil?”
He glared at her, leaning forwards… and then he suddenly fell out of midair, crashing onto his front and sending up a puff of dust with a mutter of distaste, carefully picking himself up as Twilight frowned a bit at him… then stared in surprise as she saw the creature was beginning to lose its color now, turning slowly ivory as she stepped forwards hesitantly and asked quietly: “What’s happening to you, Discord?”
“Oh, the inevitable, that’s all.” Discord muttered, looking at her sourly as he rubbed at his chest before glaring down at her. “No, I’m here to tell you something, little Twilight Sparkle, and it’s that your friends won’t be your friends forever. Do you really think that when you lay on your deathbed, they’ll all be there for you, all around you? No, they won’t. Either they’ll have abandoned you… or, if you’re lucky, they’ll all have died before you. Then you can be miserable over that, dying alone, the last of your precious little clique, but chaos knows it’s better than having everyone turn their backs on you, leaving you to rot…”
Twilight studied him quietly as Discord began to pace back and forth, snarling and throwing his arms out. “Oh sure, Twilight. You think you’re just so great. Saving all your friends again, knitting them back together from problems that were much worse than I caused… but what have you really done? Built a dependency on them, and at the same time, made them dependent on you: and look, look at them!”
Discord snapped his fingers… cursed under his breath and snapped his fingers a few more times… and then he laughed and pointed as weak images flickered into being in front of him, of Twilight’s five friends, all of them standing emotionlessly, semitransparent and riddled with static. “Fluttershy’s a giant baby you cuddle and coddle, Rainbow Dash wants to dangle instead of clutch, Applejack also wants Rainbow Dash to dangle but is very willing to work with her clutch until she does, Rarity’s sold out her dreams and Pinkie Pie’s… well… uh… she’s still mental.”
The incarnation of chaos looked almost lame for a moment, then he pointed at the unicorn, adding grimly: “And you, the worst of them all. Gotta save the world, gotta save my friends, gotta do everything right, and all by Celestia’s rulebook. What are you going to do when Celestia’s rules turn out to be upside-down, though, Twilight?”
Discord emphasized this by trying to flip backwards as his head twisted around… but he only succeeded in flopping awkwardly onto his stomach with a wheeze, spasming and rolling around for a moment before clawing his way up to all fours as he panted roughly… and Twilight grimaced a little at him, leaning back before she studied him quietly and asked slowly: “Why are you doing this, Discord? Just… give me a straight answer. Maybe I can help you.”
“You? You! Help me?” Discord stared at her, incredulous, then he leapt to his feet and laughed hard, grabbing at his knees as Twilight looked up at him resolutely… and then he glared at her, pointing again and saying darkly: “That’s exactly what I was just talking about. You need to save the world, play little miss superhero, and do you know what the rule of the world is? Every single time you try and save it, it gets worse. Do you really think things are better off with Celestia’s rule? Believe me, they are not. They most certainly, definitely, are not, and oh just wait until the punchline of the joke and you see just why… believe me, everything’s much safer just… stewing in chaos, at least that can be fun…”
Discord rubbed his hands together, grimacing… and yet he didn’t look happy all the same, despite his tone. If anything, his eyes betrayed a flicker of nervousness… and Twilight leaned forwards, asking quietly, no longer afraid in the slightest of the chimerical Draconequus: “Just… tell me, Discord. What is it?”
“Stop it, stop it!” Discord fumed, stomping his feet and glaring down at her as he clenched his claws into fists. “Stupid little unicorn, you’re so naïve! I’m not here to be your friend, and I’m not here to give you a warning… I’m here to show you that everything’s going to go to hell. And a worse hell than you can imagine, at that! I’m here to point out your failings, I’m here to tell you that for every problem you fix, you create another one: do you really think it’s healthy that there’s a pony older than you sleeping in your bed, calling you ‘mommy, mommy, mommy!’”
Discord pushed his hands together, fluttering his eyelashes as he swayed back and forth, but Twilight only looked at him with pity, making him grumble in distaste before he reared back in surprise when one of his hands glowed before it was pulled firmly down as Twilight sat back on her haunches, reaching her front hooves up and taking it quietly as she said softly: “You’re right about a lot of things, Discord. You are. Does that make you feel better?”
“I… well… no. It changes nothing.” Discord muttered bitterly, and then he tried to jerk his lion’s paw away, but Twilight held on firmly with her hooves as she looked up at him almost imploringly, but the Draconequus only childishly closed his eyes and stuck his tongue out at her even as he turned his head away. “Oh don’t think this makes us magical friends or something, or that I even care. I’m just here to play one last prank on the obnoxious little unicorn known as Twilight Sparkle, see if I can at least bring her friendship down in flames with me.”
But Twilight only smiled a little, saying quietly: “Whatever you say, Discord. Either way, listen, I want to say that… I’m not angry at you about the past. That maybe I even appreciate what’s happened… and well, I’m glad, one way or another, for what happened. It might sound weird but… with what you did, it taught me a lot about friendship. A lot about why I need to be there for my friends… lessons I was able to apply to help them out only recently, as you obviously know.”
Discord looked down at her sulkily, saying irritably: “Oh, gee, thanks, that makes me feel like so much less of a failure. Now I’m a real winner, trapped in stone until I rot, which will very likely start soon, by the way.”
Twilight rolled her eyes, then she retorted: “Yeah, well, maybe it means that you are wrong about one thing, and it’s that the world doesn’t have to be bad. Your chaos, your bad, brought about something good, a strengthening of vows and friendships, a realization of how important things like that are in the world…” She stopped, frowning at the ground… then she looked back up and smiled a little, saying quietly: “I guess without chaos, harmony would mean nothing, huh? And Discord, I… I know it’s no excuse, that I did what I was told… but I am sorry. And I’m not going to say I forgive you, but only because maybe there isn’t much to forgive. You screwed things up, yeah, but you… didn’t hurt anyone. You didn’t do anything that was irreparable… besides, if I really am going to save the whole wide world, I gotta save the so-called bad guys, too, don’t I?”
Discord looked down at her for a moment… and then a smile quirked at his mouth as he sat down beside her, saying mildly: “I think I like Pinkie Pie more than I like you, Twilight, but all the same, you’re not as bad as I thought, for a nasty little unicorn heroine. You better not tell Celestia, though, she’ll give you an enema and an exorcism just for telling her you spoke to nasty old me. She really hates me, after all.”
Twilight rolled her eyes as Discord pulled his claw away… then she blinked in surprise when he wrapped his arm around her comfortably, gesturing with his eagle talon towards the shadowy sky overhead and giving a faint, but real smile. “Chaos is so much better when you have someone to share it with, even if there’s none of that here… but do me a favor, Twilight. Even after I’m gone, keep a little chaos in your life. Harmony is boring and placid… I’m not saying you have to hurt anyone, and I far from expect you to do as good a job as I did, but have a little fun now and then, you boring little bookworm.
“And I’m not saying you’re safe, that we’re friends, that everything’s going to work out, that Equestria will not burn… but maybe it doesn’t have to be all bad, does it?” Discord looked thoughtful, nodding a little bit as he stroked his beard, then he glanced down and murmured softly: “Or perhaps… I just don’t want to die alone.”
“You aren’t alone.” Twilight said quietly, looking down as well, and she smiled a little, closing her eyes. “You know, I think you dying as my friend is going to mess me up more than you dying while trying to convince me I ruined all my friends instead of saving them.”
“That’s the razor of chaos. It doesn’t cut both ways… it flops around wildly in every direction until it gets a lucky bite.” Discord replied with a bit of a smile, and then he reached down and gently patted Twilight on the back, saying kindly: “I guess I get two things, then. To corrupt you a little, and to save you a little. Funny… I don’t know which I’m more proud of.”
And Twilight laughed a bit, neither looking at the other as they sat silently together, once-enemies in a dreamscape that grew bleaker and smaller and darker around them until they were all that was left in a single point of light… but as it, too, was swallowed up, the unicorn could swear she heard a final, whispered ‘thank you,’ before everything went dark.
Six Broken Ponies: Six Mended Hearts
Twilight Sparkle grimaced a bit as she absently brushed a hoof through her mane, then she sighed quietly and turned around, pacing slowly across the empty library: not her home in Ponyville, the place that she had come to love for countless reasons and was honored to call her true home now… but the grand, immense library in Canterlot Castle, as a black peytral plate that identified her as a part of the Royal Court gleamed over her chest.
Then she smiled a little as there was a loud knock at the doors on the first floor, and Spike – a little taller now, looking a little more like a dragon than a puppy dog – pushed in through them and called: “Twilight, we’re getting ready to leave! Are you coming or what?” He stopped, then leaned forwards as he looked up towards where Twilight was just visible on the high second floor, whispering loudly behind a claw up to her: “Also, are you sure we should be visiting you-know-who?”
“You mean my sister, Luna.” Celestia said calmly, and Spike squeaked loudly and leapt forwards into the library, and Twilight sighed and rolled her eyes, shaking her head a bit as she turned around and paced quietly to the top railing of the second floor, looking down at Princess Celestia with a strange expression: it was closer to frustration than anything else, and Celestia looked back up not with imperiousness, not with soft love… but a hesitant, nervous smile.
Twice as tall as any other pony and with a sleek build, her wings were broad and nestled against her sides, her eyes were brilliant amethyst, and her mane and tail flowed like liquid rainbows, moving of their own accord. A brilliant golden peytral plate rested across her chest, inset with an enormous purple gemstone, and a matching tiara – gold, with its own proud gem – rested atop her head, the ivory equine gazing quietly up at her before her eyes roved down to Spike, and she said quietly: “I require a moment with my student.”
Spike winced and hurried out, closing the door as Celestia walked forwards, favoring a front leg almost unnoticeably: but Twilight always saw this movement, and she always felt a strange, nasty little sense of retribution as the almost-perfectly-round scar to one side of the tall female’s breast gleamed quietly, almost invisible… but so clear to those who knew where to look.
Luna had given Celestia that scar… after Celestia had gone mad with her own power. And Luna had then taken the fall for it, and Twilight had been forced to say that Nightmare Moon had returned… when it was the Princess of the Night who had saved them all and stopped Equestria from burning in the fires predicted by Discord. Ever since that day, Twilight had grown distant from the Princess… but she sighed quietly as she made her way to the curving staircase, muttering as Celestia continued forwards: “No, I’m coming down to you. I’ll have to be on my way soon, anyway…”
The implication in her words was clear, but Celestia was only quiet as the unicorn made her way quickly down the stairs, then looked silently up at her as Celestia gazed back down. Their eyes locked for a few moments, and then the Princess of the Sun lowered her head slightly and murmured quietly: “I have made many mistakes, Twilight Sparkle… with you, with your friends, with my sister… especially with my sister. But don’t forget that I lost Luna that day, too… and I won’t ever forgive myself for what I’ve done. What I brought about.
“But I am trying, much harder than before. I am no longer as quick to judge, and I share more with ponies these days. It has taken more than a thousand years to learn these lessons, but I am… I am not just a leader, distant apart, I am a pony of Equestria, and I must always, always remember that…” She halted, then laughed a little, glancing down and meeting Twilight’s eyes as she whispered: “Doesn’t it mean anything that I come to you like this, Twilight Sparkle, my dear, faithful student? You, a unicorn apprentice, and yet I’m the one always… groveling to you these days… I have so much I want to share with you. I do not wish to lose you… can you not accept my offer of friendship?”
“Princess Celestia…” Twilight closed her eyes, then she laughed faintly and shook her head slowly. “I cared about you… as idol, mentor, so much more. But… it all fell apart. And I remember you saying those same words to Luna, that fateful night so long ago now…” She stopped, looking up at her silently. “I’m not ready yet to believe you really mean your words. I’m not ready yet to let you back in. You tried to kill Luna. You tortured and maimed Scrivener Blooms. You… threatened to kill me. You were ready to destroy all of Equestria to purify it… just like Discord hinted, the country almost burned. Even Discord… didn’t want that happen. Didn’t want to see that many lives ruined and hurt, that’s what I believe, but Celestia… you were almost the cause of that. It’s been months but I’m… I can’t believe…”
Celestia was silent as Twilight hung her head, trembling a little… and then the ivory equine glanced away, clearing her throat before she murmured awkwardly: “I… was glad when I found out you had told your friends. I know not many can know the secret of… what happened between myself and Luna, but… I think it does her good to know she has more than one reliable friend in Ponyville. And I know she was very happy when she was given the chance to help out Rainbow Dash… she… I mean, he seems very happy now.”
“Between myself and Luna, it was a difficult task, but… applying permanency to the transfiguration just took practice and patience. I’m only glad we were able to do it… it was hard on Rainbow a lot of days, being a stallion trapped in a mare's body.” Twilight replied after a moment, glancing up quietly, studying Celestia before she added in a voice that was a little more bitter than she intended: “We could have used your help.”
Celestia only avoided Twilight’s eyes, however, blushing… before she swiftly moved on to yet another subject, saying hurriedly: “And Pinkamena, too, seems much more balanced-”
“Pinkie Pie. It’s Pinkie Pie.” Twilight corrected, but her voice was a little gentler as she sighed a bit and rolled her shoulders, trying to swallow her hostility as Celestia looked down at her quietly. “Yes, though, she is… the bad part of her has receded a lot. She still has the occasional episode, and she has difficulty curbing herself when she gets excited… but the important thing is that her therapy is helping, and the medication she gets from Zecora keeps her from falling into that dark pit.”
Celestia nodded after a moment, hesitating before she asked curiously: “And it was for that reason you answered my invitation here, wasn’t it? Because I offered lodging to all your friends as well, if you would only come and visit, and assist me in some work and research…”
“Yes.” Twilight said calmly, looking defensive… but Celestia only smiled faintly and rose a hoof, closing her eyes.
“You do not need to explain yourself, and nor do I mean to weigh you down with guilt, Twilight Sparkle… but I do find your loyalty to your friends admirable. In many ways, you are their guide, and yet hold yourself their equal… unlike myself. I guided Equestia… and I guided Sleipnir and Luna… but I forgot at some point I was only their equal. I made myself the better, and it led me to…” She stopped, looking down silently… then gazed back up and met Twilight’s eyes with her own, almost-begging irises. “It has been a long time since I asked you this, but please, entertain this one request… Twilight Sparkle, do you have anything to tell me that you have learned about the magic of friendship, since last we spoke? Anything at all important you feel you can share?”
Twilight looked silently back up at the Princess for a few moments before she closed her eyes, thinking, reaching deep inside herself… and without even realizing it, she murmured: “Yes, Celestia. I think that I do…”
She opened her eyes, feeling thoughts, feelings new and old, lessons learned and answers found all rising up inside her, and she said quietly: “Friendship is about many things. But most of all, it’s something that you can’t simply break down into easy sentences and explanations. I can tell you that my friends mean a world to me… I can tell you why. And yet I can never make you understand exactly how I feel… never let you see why it’s so important to me, when many ponies might scoff or find my notions ridiculous or worse, naïve.
“Yet it is my friends who have saved me, time and time again. Who I find happiness in… and it is not cowardice and weakness that makes me depend on them, but more courage than most people will ever know or understand. It’s easy to turn away from the world, but hard to leave your heart an open book… it’s easy to only look out for yourself, but hard to put others first, and expect nothing in return. It’s dangerous, and yet nothing is more worthwhile… and I truly believe nothing is as powerful as friendship. Friendship is what nurtures love… you can love someone with all your heart, but if they don’t care about you, and you don’t have a bond of friendship between you, love can quickly sour and lead to betrayals and pain and suffering.
“But most of all, Princess… what you need to know, what lesson I have for you, is that friendship is something you have to find the answers for yourself. Is something you have to experience yourself to understand…” Twilight shook her head slowly, saying quietly: “I think that it’s one of the few unbreakable things in the world, too. That it can always be mended, brought back to full strength… but it takes time and effort, compassion and patience. It cannot be rushed, or it’ll only crack further… and yet it cannot be ignored, because it will only grow colder. You have to use a gentle touch… the right balance. You have to be willing to negotiate, and recognize it’s a two-way street… and you have to do it not just for yourself, but for that other person as well, out of a wish for their honest good.”
Celestia’s gaze lowered, and then she closed her eyes and bowed her head forwards silently… and Twilight looked at her quietly before she looked away as the Princess trembled a bit and then whispered: “I have no friends, Twilight. How do I find friends in a nation that treats me as a golden savior, that worships me with such ardor they push me constantly, constantly away? And those who would treat me as a friend… I have hurt so awfully…”
Twilight sighed a little at this, lowering her head… and then she smiled after a moment and finally looked up, saying quietly: “Then why don’t you write me letters, with your findings on the magic of friendship, Princess Celestia?”
Celestia looked surprised at this… and then the winged unicorn straightened and nodded hesitantly, and Twilight smiled a little before she turned and headed for the doors, her horn glowing faintly and causing both of them to swing open – almost knocking over Spike, who yelped at being caught eavesdropping and ran quickly down the hall – and then the ivory equine called worriedly: “Twilight, but… wait! How do I do this?”
“You’ll figure it out.” Twilight smiled a little over her shoulder, her horn continuing to glow, and the peytral plate around the unicorn’s neck was carefully lifted free, floating silently over to a nearby table and dropping to it with a quiet clunk before she bowed her head, saying softly: “I’ll be looking forwards to seeing your first letter soon, Princess.”
And with that, Twilight quietly turned and made her way into the corridor, Spike hurriedly falling into step beside her as he stared up at her, but the unicorn only smiled softly as she glanced down at him, asking quietly: “Why do you look so surprised?”
“Well… you know. You and Celestia… I was surprised to begin with that we came here at all, considering how things have been.” Spike said carefully, and he grimaced a bit as they passed several tall Pegasus Guard that looked at them suspiciously. “Then again, I’m surprised they put up with here at all… you’re always so vocal about Princess Luna and most people are don’t really… I mean… you know.”
“Yeah, I do, Spike, but I’m not about to let that stop me. I know that I can’t betray Luna’s wishes, but… I can still fight to have her remembered as Luna, not as Nightmare Moon.” Twilight said quietly, shaking her head slowly, then she smiled a little over at Spike, adding quietly: “And… I am still Celestia’s student. I’m so… so upset with her still, but… I am still her student, no matter what I think of her at times like this. She means a lot to me, Spike. I want to help her… I honestly do… but I’m just not ready to forgive her quite yet, either.”
The dragon nodded after a moment as they made their way quietly through the castle, rubbing awkwardly at the back of his head before he smiled a little bit and said quietly: “Well… I think it’s good of you all the same, Twilight. I know… I can imagine how hard it is on you, but even…” He stopped, glancing awkwardly to the side as they passed by a group of ponies, then said slowly: “Even Miss and Mister Poet seem like they’re willing to forgive her these days, you know?”
“Well, Miss and Mister Poet are better ponies than I am, Spike.” Twilight replied honestly, tipping a wink to the little dragon: it wasn’t often that they used the codenames for Luna and Scrivener, after all, but in places like this it was a safer way of referring to the two without further drawing the suspicions of any guards or nobles. Celestia would always defend them if the subject was brought up before her, but it didn’t change the fact that mentioning Luna or Scrivener Blooms around many ponies in Canterlot could yield some exceptionally cruel results. Luna, after all, they saw as betraying them, giving in to the powers and temptations of Nightmare Moon… and Scrivener Blooms was called the mad monk that ran off after her, driven insane with lust.
The two were quiet as they made their way to the castle’s front foyer: as it was evening, the castle was beginning to quiet down, and there were only a few servants around, many of them eyeing a group of five ponies suspiciously where they stood. Twilight, however, only smiled warmly at this, walking towards them as her friends looked up towards her, Applejack calling easily from where she stood beside Rainbow Dash: “You ready, sugar-cube?”
“I am, AJ, if the rest of you are.” Twilight glanced over them, taking them in with a warm smile: Applejack, easily carrying a pair of saddle bags over her strong frame, beside the now-permanently-male Rainbow Dash, who had his own set of saddlebags… and a Wonderbolt’s uniform tight against his strong body, grinning proudly. Rainbow worked part-time with the team, helping put on shows occasionally in the Canterlot area, but never straying too far unless Applejack was there to come with him and support him.
At first, it seemed like the whole ‘I used to be a mare’ thing was going to be an issue… but with the recommendation of Princess Celestia, and Rainbow proving he had more than what it took to be part of the team with a Sonic Rainboom he performed with startling ease… even the most apprehensive members of the team had been forced to accept Dash into their fold. It was awkward for him sometimes… but Rainbow had his dreams. Had achieved what he’d hoped to… and even if his change hadn’t come without cost – his family, for example, had not taken well to it – he had gained family in the form of Applejack, Big Mac, and little Apple Bloom, who gladly looked up to Rainbow now as her ‘favorite uncle.’
Rarity tossed her mane, a straw hat shading her beautiful features, a simple and yet elegant dress over her body: her boutique in Ponyville did a thriving business, now that she wasn’t trying so hard to cater only to the fancies of the privileged, and she sold to both the working class pony and those with a little more fashion sense… and gladly shared her designs with the world when it was asked, but no longer strove to make everyone recognize her potential. Instead, she herself had recognized her own potential… found her self-worth in it, and her joy in sharing it with those who would cherish it, instead of those who would worship it one moment, only to throw it all away the next. “Yes, do let us get out of here, then… I swear, it’s like ever since I threw Chic Trendy out of my shop, every so-called ‘expert’ in fashion wants me to be part of their show, no matter what I tell them. Funny, isn’t it? I used to always want this… now I just want them to go away and leave my poor boutique alone.”
“You’re very talented Rarity, that’s all.” Fluttershy said softly, and Rarity smiled tenderly over her shoulder at her: the Pegasus stood near the back, her eyes warm, a pink scarf around her neck that the ivory unicorn had given her as a gift for her birthday not long ago… a gift that meant quite a lot to her because it had a violet pattern stitched over it that looked suspiciously like another unicorn the Pegasus admired. “Although we’re all very glad you decided to stay in Ponyville, no matter what.”
Fluttershy; she was doing a world better these days, and had even moved back into her small cabin… and she had almost completely stopped correspondence with her mother. Not out of spite, but because in the long run, it was probably what was best for the both of them: Fluttershy’s mother, after all, still insisted the punishments were what the worthless little Pegasus needed… but now, Fluttershy had been helped to see that she did have value. That she did mean a lot… and even if she still liked to be babied now and then, she was more confident than she had ever been in the past, standing up for herself more, giving her own opinion more freely… still shy, but far from the meekness that had once all but crippled her. Still curling up with her adopted mother some days and nights, but Twilight was secretly glad for it… to her, Fluttershy had become something like a living reminder that friendship and love could conquer even the darkest of despair.
Pinkie Pie, lastly, gazed affectionately up from beside Fluttershy, nodding firmly and saying warmly: “Yeah, Rarity. I know that I sure am… after all, you’re always helping me out and… it wouldn’t be the same without you around. Without any of you around…”
The pink pony blushed quietly, her messy mane and tail flicking as she gazed back and forth affectionately over the others as Twilight and Spike joined the group. She was doing much better these days, feeling much more in control… and they were always careful to never let her stress herself out too much, and to always give her patience when she began to have one of her little fits of excitement. When she absolutely needed to stay calm, one of Zecora’s potions would work wonders… and the zebra had been more than glad to help them out saying that ‘for my first friends from Ponyville, I know just what to do… whenever things get out of control, just drink this calming brew.’
Perhaps she would never be entirely cured or free from Pinkamena, but the group therapy was helping her settle herself more and more… and it had been a long time since a severe episode had plagued the poor pony. And Pinkie bounced a little on her hooves as Rainbow Dash chuckled, then teased: “You never say that to me when I leave, Pinkie.”
“Well, silly, whenever you leave we always throw a party… and then when you come back, we throw another party, so it gives me two things to look forwards to.” Pinkie replied warmly, and then she reached out and wrapped an arm around him in a firm hug. “I miss you when you’re gone, but it makes it feel all the nicer when you return.”
Rainbow Dash smiled warmly at this, and then Applejack nudged his side firmly before she looked at Twilight and winked. “Guess we’re all ready to leave, then. And now, I know it ain’t none of our business, but everyone was also wondering… and I guess I sorta was too… if you talked to the Princess, though. I seem to remember that once upon a time you meddled around in all our problems, after all, and it was only after you did that we went and fixed ‘em… what about you, did you fix yours?”
Twilight rolled her eyes in amusement at this, however, nodding and saying quietly: “As a matter of fact, I actually did speak to Princess Celestia, and… well. We’re moving forwards, I’ll put it that way.” She stopped, looking down quietly for a moment, then she gazed back up with a small smile. “So I can say honestly that… maybe we have a start to something, anyway.”
“Good, because the way you used to talk about her…” Rainbow halted, smiling a little as he tossed his rough rainbow mane, and then he glanced over the others and said softly: “I mean, heck, even Applejack makes me frustrated sometimes… well… a lot of the time, really…” He winced when Applejack rolled her eyes and smacked him in the side firmly at this comment. “I still wouldn’t ever want to lose her. I know it’s not quite the same with you and Celestia, but… we all remember the way you used to look up to her. And we all screw up sometimes, right? We all sure have at one time or another… why, I even remember that one time, Twilight, when you were trying to help out every pony in Ponyville because a letter was going to be late, and-”
“You know, I can turn you back into a girl if you keep this up.” Twilight said mildly, and Rainbow cleared his throat and nodded a few times with a slight blush as Applejack snorted in amusement and Rarity shook her head with a smile. Then the violet unicorn strode past the group and towards the large doors leading out of Canterlot Castle, flicking her horn towards them and causing both to swing slowly open with a rumble, automatically beginning to lead the way as she called easily over her shoulder: “Come on then, ponies, let’s not dally, then. We can make it back home to Ponyville before it gets too dark, if we’re lucky.”
Fluttershy and Pinkie Pie immediately fell into step on either side of Twilight, one smiling almost shyly, the other beaming happily with a hop in her step, and Rarity and Spike followed, the dragon still crushing more than a little on the beautiful ivory unicorn… and last, Applejack and Rainbow firmly shoved against each other before turning and trotting in the rear of the group, trading warm smiles and a quick kiss before they both gazed happily ahead.
And as the sun began to set and evening set in throughout Canterlot, Twilight gazed up as her namesake began to spread through the skies… and she smiled softly, feeling like things were going to be okay. Yes, her friends all had their problems, and so did she, and Equestria was not the same as it had once been… and yet Twilight wouldn’t change a thing, because now she knew all this had only brought them closer together, made them all stronger… and at the end of the day, no matter what happened, they would push through it all together.November 7 th , 2011 – November 14 th , 2011
It’s only a weakness if you allow yourself to believe it’s a weakness.
Six Broken Ponies: Forbidden Fruit
Applejack breathed quietly in and out, head lowered as she stood almost shyly behind a large tree in the apple orchard, looking out past it to watch as Big Mac calmly collected apples from the ground and tossed them into a basket to feed to the pigs. She blushed beneath her cowboy hat, worriedly scraping her hooves against the ground before she looked over her shoulder as Rainbow Dash prodded gently but impatiently: “Go on, go! Talk to him!”
“Shut up, Rainbow!” Applejack hissed, and Twilight Sparkle sighed and rolled her eyes, favoring her with a flat look as Rainbow half-giggled, half-glared at the look of embarrassment on Applejack’s features. “This is damn hard for me… you should be the last person laughing at this considering your own damn self!”
“Yeah, but that’s exactly why I’m allowed to laugh at you.” Rainbow Dash replied reasonably, and then she softened and said quietly: “Just go out there and do it, AJ. Twilight and I will back you up if you want us to, you know that.”
“No, no, this… this is something I gotta do on my own, I think I understand that now. I appreciate you two helping me beforehoof, though, not letting me chicken out, and seeing me out here, but… Big Mac and I need to talk about this alone.” Applejack said finally, and then she stopped as Rainbow Dash slowly rose a hoof and pointed as Twilight cleared her throat loudly, and Applejack only sighed, muttering: “Well, looks like I ain’t got no choice now, huh? You two skedaddle. I’ll… come and tell you how things went later on.”
Twilight nodded, then she sighed and walked over, dropping her head forwards to forcefully shove Rainbow Dash into moving as the Pegasus cleared her throat, the finally turned with a grumble, following the unicorn away. Applejack watched them leave, then she sighed before turning around and smiling awkwardly up at her big brother, asking finally: “Just how much of that did you hear, Big Macintosh?”
Big Mac only looked down at her, eyes half-hooded and a long strand of straw sticking out of his muzzle. His strawberry-red coat clutched tight over a powerful, muscular frame, and his jewel-green eyes half-shadowed by his short, messy, orange-tinted mane. His tail was cut short as well, to avoid it getting in the way while he worked pulling the plow or one of the heavy carts, and on his flank beside this was a large cutie mark of a sliced green apple. Finally, an old, heavy oak yolk set atop a dragon-leather collar rested around his neck and over his breast: a family heirloom, apparently the last thing their father had given him… and as Applejack looked up at his freckled, calm face, and he gazed back down at her, she couldn’t help but smile, asking quietly: “You polish that this morning?”
“Yup.” Big Mac drawled in his low, slow voice, and then he studied her for a few moments, he said softly: “You don’t got to say it, little sister. I heard you crying the other night. Hurt me, hearing my sister cryin’ over such a silly thing, but I reckoned that you’d talk to me when you was ready.”
“God, you knew? You knew, Big Mac?” Applejack stared up at him, then she gritted her teeth and reached up to slap her front hooves against his chest, making him wince and draw back a bit: twice her size or not, Applejack was no helpless little filly. “What the hell, you know how long I been stewing, worrying, fearing?”
“And if I’d come to you about it ‘fore you had gotten done settling your mind, what would’ve happened?” Big Mac responded in his simple country drawl… and yet there was a wisdom in those words that Applejack had always respected, a deep, thoughtful mind hidden beneath his slow-sounding voice that made the mare blush a bit as she stepped back, gazing up at him with quiet respect for so many things: he was her older brother, he was stronger, he was always in control… and despite everything, so quiet and smart, a gentle giant that had captured her heart.
There was quiet for a few moments, the two studying each other, almost curiously… and then Applejack ventured hesitantly: “Are… I mean… you ain’t… you ain’t disgusted by it, are you?”
But Big Mac only smiled softly at her, lightening his features, making him more handsome. “You’re my little sister, Applejack. How could I be disgusted by my little sister?” He stopped for a moment, Applejack’s heart leaping in her chest as she looked up at him brightly, and the tall stallion's features softened. “’Sides. It’s touching. A sweet, beautiful girl like you, liking big ugly me.”
“So… does that mean…” Applejack took a hesitant step forwards, gazing up at him longingly… but when Big Mac’s smile faded a little, she closed her eyes and nodded silently, bowing her head forwards and whispering: “Why?”
“Because, little sister, I’ll always be here for you at the end of the day…” Big Macintosh reached up, gently settling his hooves on her shoulders and gazing down at her compassionately as she looked up with a blush. “But you need to be out there, experiencing what the rest of the world has to offer, too. There are people out there who care for you a lot… wasting your time and affections on big old me ain’t necessary when I’m here for you twenty-four-seven anyway. Look at the other people who admire you and love you. I think… they can make you happier, too. Or at least give you experiences that I can’t. Because I'm your big brother, and everything that entails... good and bad.”
“Big Mac, I… please. I love you. I love you so dang much…” Applejack murmured, looking down and clenching her eyes shut… and then she smiled faintly when Big Mac only leaned down and gently kissed her forehead, murmuring: “I only want you, you know. I got my eyes locked on you… you’ve just done… so much for me and… you sure this ain’t just ‘cause you're disgusted by me? By the fact that I'm... acting like... well...”
Big Mac sighed at this, shaking his head as he drew back for a moment, and then he leaned forwards when Applejack looked up, kissing her firmly, his lips pushing to hers. The female’s eyes immediately widened, and then her knees almost buckled as she kissed him eagerly back, their tongues twisting and twining for a moment before Big Mac drew his head back, gazing down at her quietly as he said, calm as ever: “Yup.”
“Yup.” Applejack smiled dazedly up at him, shivering a bit as her eyes drew along his form… and then she shook her head quickly, murmuring as a second tremble, a nervous pang, ran through her system: “But God… I got so many questions, so many worries! Big Mac, I’ve been so scared… scared you wouldn’t feel the same way, but now I find out you do and… you’re still tellin’ me to go to others and… I’m scared all the same of what ponies will think of me, what our parents would have thought, what-”
“Now slow down.” the larger male said quietly, and Applejack rambled to a halt before she looked up at him silently, seeking advice, consolation, and so much more as a shiver passed through her body. Their eyes met, green and green gazing into one another’s irises, and Big Mac said quietly: “First off, mom and dad would have wanted us to be happy. Ain’t right to judge someone based on what makes ‘em happy, that’s one of the things they taught me, so long as it don’t hurt no one. And I know you ain't thinkin' that we'd just live happily ever after.
“Second, I don’t care much for what other ponies think. I know it’s harder for you, AJ. Lots of people look up to you… but even more than admiring you, they’ll respect you if you stand up for yourself a little more.” Big Mac continued in his easy, reasonable drawl, and Applejack blushed a bit at this, lowering her head and scooting a little closer… and the male let her press herself against him, his neck resting quietly overtop hers as he closed his eyes. “Don’t you worry your pretty head none, little sister. Not about what anypony thinks. That ain’t important.”
Applejack swallowed and nodded a little against him, and then the stallion said quietly: “Like I said, though… I ain’t stupid. I know about your city trips too, little sister… at least, I got an idea about ‘em.” He paused, and when Applejack shuddered against him and pushed herself closer with a faint whimper of shame, he reached a strong front limb up to hug her protectively against his powerful frame, silently holding her close.
She buried her face against the side of his neck, beginning to sob quietly as she shuddered against him… and Big Mac only held her gently close, rubbing soothingly up and down her upper back as she whispered: “I’m so sorry Big Mac… to you, to Granny, to li’l Apple Bloom… what I done, I know, it ain’t… it ain’t good at all. But I’d get so lonely, and so… needy… and when I realized how much money I was bringing in, it seemed like… like an awful good idea. Setting my own prices and letting ponies do their nasty things to my body, making good enough money that we could afford that new barn and the new farm equipment… and I thought it worked out my lusts, my… nasty side but it just made it and the shame worse…”
Big Mac only continued to hold her close, rocking her gently… and Applejack shuddered against him, tears leaking down her face as she whispered: “I gone and screwed it all up, haven’t I? I wouldn’t blame you, not one bit, if that was why you won’t be with me, Big Mac… I wouldn’t even blame you if you told me to get off the farm. I went and made a reputation with the city-folk not as a farmer, but a seedy whore… I let myself get so upset about loving my brother that instead of talkin’ to him about it like a grown adult I ran off and spread my legs for any pony-folk I could find… I done broke everything, Big Mac, I just done ruined it all, and-”
“Now stop it, Applejack.” Big Mac said quietly but firmly, and the mare snuffled against his chest as she buried her face into his strong breast, trembling and clenching her eyes shut. “I ain’t gonna hold what’s past against you. I know you were… confused. We all get confused sometimes… we all make mistakes sometimes.
“I don’t want you doing that anymore though, Applejack. Not ‘cause your body tells you to, not ‘cause you feel like we need the money. We never need the money, not desperately enough you gotta sell your virtue.” Big Mac said quietly, and Applejack laughed a little, clenching her eyes shut for a moment before she drew back and gazed up at him quietly.
“I hate to say it, big brother, but I think my virtue’s already all sold out, anyway.” she murmured, shaking her head slowly… and then she blushed quietly when Big Mac gave her a look that was both sympathetic and firm, glancing away a bit and pawing at the ground. “I know, I know. Ain’t no time for jokes but… I guess I just gone and picked that habit up from Dashie.”
Big Mac nodded, studying her quietly, and then Applejack hesitated before simply plunging forwards, looking up and saying quietly: “But I got… needs now, Big Mac. It’s like some switch has gone done been flicked in my brain and no matter how I fight, no matter what I do, I can’t pull that switch back down, I can’t turn that part of me back off. It’s this thing inside me, Big Mac, this craving, this… addiction, almost. My body begs for it…” She stopped, drawing her eyes quietly over the stallion's powerful, masculine frame… and then she smiled faintly, meeting his eyes as she whispered: “Love and lust, huh?”
“Yup.” the male drawled softly, nodding in return and meeting her eyes… and Applejack lowered her head, cheeks tinged by her blush as she breathed slowly in and out. Then she rose her eyes, gazing over him, taking in the details of his frame and features… but now she didn’t have to think about it as much. Maybe she did only love Big Mac as a brother, maybe she loved him as more, she wasn’t sure… but more and more, she found herself realizing that Big Mac was also a perfect specimen of a stallion… and there was a lot of lust mixed with the love, too.
For now, they were silent, brother and sister… and then, hesitantly, Applejack murmured: “I… understand better now. Now that I got it out, now that I… you made me think about it. But I still do love you, more than any sister should love her brother, I think. I still do long for you… not just with… that… part of me, but with my heart, too, and maybe something a little deeper than that. But it’s all mixed up together, and I can’t peel it apart… not with my mind…”
Applejack stopped, reaching up and silently stroking under his muzzle, and Big Mac smiled a little before she asked finally: “If… we was meant to be, you and me, Big Mac. Would you wait for me if I did what you asked, experienced the world? Or would you go off chasing skirts and get yourself hitched to something other than the plow for once ‘fore I have the proper chance to get my time with you?”
Big Mac chuckled at this, saying quietly: “Momma used to tell me you can’t fight love, sister. If something’s meant to be, it’ll be no matter what you do, what you think, what gets in the way.”
“I get so jealous of you sometimes, Big Mac. You got a better education from Momma and Poppa than I ever did from any school, and you… got to spend real time with them when I… well…” Applejack stopped, shaking her head slowly before she murmured: “Yeah, I guess you’re right, too. Still though… it’s hard for me to picture. Hard for me to think about… and I get scared, real scared. Real even more scared of… what happens if we ain’t meant to be. I don’t wanna be alone, Big Mac… I think even less I want you to be alone. I wish I could give back to you everything you do for me.”
“You do.” Big Mac said softly, and he shook his head before he hugged her impulsively for a moment, and Applejack blushed a bit as he murmured: “I could never ask for a better sister than you, Applejack. You take care of Apple Bloom, and Granny Smith. And when I ain’t in top form, you take care of me, too. Ain’t no one else who does that, you know.”
“It’s ‘cause you’re so damn quiet.” Applejack murmured, and then she stepped back, looking into his eyes softly and hesitating for the longest time… but his soft gaze back calmed her, gave her courage as much as his kind words had… and finally, she smiled a little, reaching up and touching his face quietly. “I need you to do something for me then, big brother. I need… I need to know how much of this is lust, how much of this is love. I need to be… tended to, and I need it to be you. I need you to come with me… and show me, your little sister, how much you love her. That you do love her. That you ain’t… disgusted by me.”
For a moment, Big Mac hesitated… but then Applejack closed her eyes, bowing her head forwards and whispering: “I’ve felt this way for months and more. I’ve hidden it away for so long, and now… I got this one request. Just this one request… I ain’t asking for commitment, I ain’t asking you to give the world up for me, I ain’t saying that… I mean… I… please Big Mac. Let me… find out. Let me learn. Let me know. Let me…”
She stopped, gazing up at him as tears filled her eyes again… and for a few moments, the taller earth pony only looked quietly down at her, and then he simply nodded slowly, locking eyes with her, asking her a thousand questions in that gaze… and yet he saw all the answers reflected in Applejack’s shining emerald irises, the female trembling a little before the red stallion said softy: “Yup.”
He turned quietly, and Applejack trotted quickly up beside him, pressing her flank against his, flushing and trembling and breathing a little harder as they walked quietly into the apple orchard, and the female recognized the path they were following, leading to an old, out-of-the-way storage shed…
And an hour later, Applejack lay quietly beside Big Mac, content and quiet, a soft, loving smile on her face, his strong body half-curled around her frame and keeping her snuggled comfortably close. They lay at rest together, the smell of sweet hay, stacked apples, soil and their coupling all around them, in the dusky shadows of the storage hut, lit only by the sunlight that streamed in through the cracks in the walls and the shuttered windows… and for the first time in a long time, the mare felt… content.
No, the urges weren’t all gone… she was starting to understand now they had become something… bigger, worse, with everything she had been doing. But she felt more confident in being able to control them now… and she closed her eyes, kissing the side of Big Mac’s neck as he rose his head and looked down at her softly, before he kissed her forehead gently in return and murmured softly: “I love you, little sister.”
“I love you too, big brother.” Applejack smiled a little up at him, their eyes meeting as she blushed a little… not at what they had just done, her feelings of shame fading, her secret fears falling to rest now. It was a pleased, soft blush as she breathed slowly in and out, studying him quietly… and then she lowered her head forwards against the nape of his neck, murmuring: “It feels… good and right, and I guess… if something feels this way, you can’t deny it. You can’t say it’s all bad or all wrong, even if you want to… I like that. You… you helped me a lot Big Mac.”
Big Mac nodded, looking at her softly… and Applejack glanced up with a wry smile as if he’d spoken, saying mildly: “Don’t worry, I ain’t gonna forget our deal or anything. But… this settled me. It’s hard to say why, but it did, it comforted me and it… helped me get things in perspective, understand a little about myself, I reckon. Scary what it takes to learn a lesson sometimes but… this is a lesson I wouldn’t mind learning twice.”
She stopped, reaching up with a bit of a smile to trace quietly along the stallion's strong breast, and Big Mac smiled despite himself at her, flicking his short mane before she met his eyes and said quietly: “I ain’t never gonna stop loving you. But I’m gonna give other ponies a chance, too, and I’m gonna… let myself explore the world a little. One day, though, I might come back for you. I ain’t sure anymore… not because it wasn’t wonderful, or ‘cause it was all lust, but… ‘cause you’re right. We’re always gonna have each other, one way or another, and… I can think of… another pony who I don’t wanna lose. Who… maybe…”
She blushed deeply, but Big Mac only smiled before he carefully stood up, shaking himself out a bit as he drawled easily: “Yup.” He paused, picking up the female’s discarded hat as Applejack stood up before he gently settled it on her head, making her laugh and smile… and then he met her eyes, saying quietly: “If we’re meant to be, we’re meant to be. If we ain’t, we’ll still always have each other, and you’ll always have my love. Now go see her, before you lose what you could have had. Something better for you than me.”
Applejack flushed deeply at this, and then she reached up and shoved him grouchily, making the male stumble back and smile again as she grumbled: “You just think you know me so damn well, don’t you? Well… hell, I guess you’re right though. I… just hope she understands that… I mean… I…”
“Don’t explain to me. Go explain to her.” Big Mac responded in his gentle drawl, and then he leaned down and nudged Applejack gently with his muzzle, lightly guiding her towards the door as she smiled despite herself and glanced almost shyly over her shoulder at him.
She pushed out through the door… then rose her head as Big Mac stepped out beside her, the two gazing up at the sun in the sky above before Applejack nodded firmly to herself, murmuring quietly: “Yeah. Not gonna let this slip away. Big Mac… thank you.”
She leaned over, kissing his cheek quickly… and the stallion only smiled at her, giving her an affectionate look before Applejack turned and trotted through the orchard… and before she knew it, she had broken into a full run, the trees shooting past as she made for the dirt road that would take her back to Ponyville as she covered ground surprisingly quickly, feeling the wind streaming over her face and through her mane and tail, making her think all the more of Rainbow Dash as she ran down the path, breathing hard, her hat sliding back a bit on her scalp but not falling free as her hooves carried her rapidly towards the town.
Ponies looked up in surprise as Applejack skidded to a halt near the center of Ponyville, looking back and forth almost desperately before her eyes settled on the library, hoping that Twilight would know where Rainbow Dash was… but even as she strode towards it, her eyes flicked to the side… and she almost stumbled over her own hooves, her mouth falling open in a gape as her eyes widened, staggering to a halt as she blurted: “Rainbow Dash?”