SMILE

by Ganondox

Rating: teen
Tags: Mrs. Cake, Slice of Life, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Sad, Other, Gummy, Pinkie Pie, Mr. Cake
Length: 2466

Pinkie Pie ponders suicide.

Pinkie Pie is known for her perpetually cheerful demeanor, but is that really how she feels inside? Deep inside, something is eating at her, only surfacing when she takes some time to think.

Published 2012-12-10 20:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-10 20:20:01 UTC

Smile

Pinkie Pie was sad.

There was no denying it this time. If she convinced herself she was happy then she would feel happy, but she couldn't as she knew she wasn't. She let out a sigh and turned over onto her back. At the moment she was lying on her bed in her room. The Cakes were out tonight and the foals were asleep in their crib. Except for Gummy, who was crawling across the floor beside the bed, she was alone. There was no need to hide her true feelings now, so she couldn't. Therefor she couldn't convince herself she was happy. She couldn't really explain why, but it made sense to her.

Today it started while she was talking with her friends. She was with her closest friends, Rainbow Dash and Twilight Sparkle, Fluttershy and Rarity, and Applejack. It wasn't for any special occasion, she just loved being with her friends so she invited them to a picnic. All was going well, and Pinkie decided to tell a story. It was unusual in that this story was a serious story, she was telling them about life on the rock farm. She was giving a description of what life was like with all the rocks as her friends when Rainbow Dash started laughing. Pinkie wasn't even telling a joke, but she just pretended that she was and laughed with her. The picnic continued on without a hitch, but now that the seed had been planted in her mind it wouldn't go away. Soon enough the picnic was over, they all said goodbye, and headed off on their own separate ways, leaving Pinkie to walk home alone.

As she walked back to Sugar Cube Corner her mind had time to wander, and unfortunately for her she began to think of things she would rather not think about. She remember how Dash laughed when she tried to be serious. Did that mean that Rainbow was laughing at her, not with her? She couldn't help but remember what Discord had told her. She tried to shrug it off, telling herself that Discord was just a meanie pants and she shouldn't take anything he said to heart, but part of her just told her that even if he was a big dumb meanie pants he might still be right. Anyway, he made chocolate rain, he wasn't a complete meanie pants. What if her friends really were just laughing at her? Maybe no one could take her seriously, maybe they were just using her for cheap laughs.

At last she came to Sugar Cube Corner, and she put on a smile as she bounced through the door. There the Cakes were waiting for her. They exchanged their usual greetings, and then the Cakes explained that they were going out tonight so she would have to watch the twins. Pinkie Pie went up and played with Pound Cake and Pumpkin Cake. Even though she was just as hyper as always something was nagging at her from within. At last they fell asleep and Pinkie Pie tucked them in their crib. The Cakes had already left awhile ago. Pinkie Pie decided to go to bed herself and it was there she came to the conclusion while she was pondering.

She wasn't happy.

She tried to go asleep to make the thoughts go away, but they weren't, so she couldn't. After tossing and turning for awhile while her mind was turning around in a death spiral she decided to get up. Maybe eating some cake would make her feel better as cake is sweet and sweet is good. In the very least she might forget that she is sad, and then she could be happy again. She headed back downstairs and found herself a nice, big, tasty, chocolate cake. After moistening her lips with her tongue she bit down into it.

To her shock it didn't make her feel any better, it just made her feel empty. Yes, it was sweet, but it wasn't enough. It wasn't satisfying at all. She kept eating, craving for more and more, anything to make it go away. Soon she was on her second cake, a vanilla one, and finished that too. It was still sweet, but somehow it was actually making her feel worse. She didn't feel happier, just sicker. She forced herself to eat a third cake, she didn't even take note of what type of cake it was, in a futile attempt to make it all better, but this one made her feel just horrible.

She didn't just feel physically horrible, she felt like she was a horrible pony too. As she hobbled back into her room she thought about how much time it took the Cakes to make those cakes, and how much they could have been sold for. She had just wasted them. She was a waste. She wasn't any good at baking, she probably ate more of their cakes than she produced. She wasn't any good at cleaning or anything else either. The only reason the Cakes hired her was because they pitied her. She was just too stupid and weak to do anything right.

No, she wasn't just stupid and weak. She was retarded and incompetent. Useless. Pathetic. Worthless.

Unlovable.

Her mind went back to old memories, back when she lived on the rock farm in the village. All her sisters were good workers, but she was a bad worker. She was too weak to do her chores, not smart enough to figure out what to do, and too unfocused. She was too selfish, wanting to have fun instead of working. She was a bad pony. She heard other ponies in the village gossip about her, but she could do nothing about it. As they said, her birth was a bad omen.

Then the day came where the colors filled the sky. In a single moment she saw more beauty than she had in her entire life. It was at that moment that she realized that not only did she hate the world she lived in, but that it could be better. Maybe she could finally become a good pony if only she could make the world as beautiful as it was in that one moment, show the rest of her family that living just to work to live was meaningless when they could have something more important. Happiness. She set out to collect all the beautiful things she could find, and she gathered them together. She brought her family to see them, and then she moved how she wanted to move, not how the village demanded. She danced, and got her family to dance with her. For once in her life she could get them to smile. That was all she needed, a smile to show she was a good pony who could make her family happy, one way or another.

Then the village council heard of this, how the peculiar pink foal now had a cutie mark in partying. They were, to say the least, not pleased. The village was no place for partying. Parties were chaotic, things of Discord. The village was a place of order, a place of hard work. They found her to be a disgrace. The village leader even went and said that she knew the village was cursed the moment she saw the new born Pinkamena's pink coat. The village couldn't banish her as she was only a filly, but they did their best to crush her, make her even less happy than before she got her mark. At last the day came for Pinkie when every new adult must decided whether to dedicate their lives to the village or leave it forever. As much as it pained her to leave her family Pinkie didn't really have a choice. She was living in hell. She kissed her family good bye, and left towards Ponyville without a second word.

In Ponyville she tried her hoof at various odd jobs, but she found herself unable to keep any of them. At last she came across the Cakes, a kind couple without children who decided to take her in. It was here in Ponyville were she devoted her life just to make other ponies smile, to make up for what she lost in the village.

Now she wondered if it was worth it at all. Maybe it would be better if she just ended it all. She was a bad pony, Equestria would be better without her. She reached underneath her bed and pulled out a large knife that she had brought up from the kitchen on a night like this one long ago. She caressed the blade, turning it over, admiring her reflection on it's surface. She was ugly with curly, bouncing hair, but she was rather beautiful with her hair straight. It would be nice if she could stay this way forever, stuffed for her friends to admire, a decoration for the party.

It would be better for her friends if she was gone. They might laugh at her jokes, but she was sure that they were just laughing at her, she was sure she just annoyed them. Soon they would be free from her forever, and they could through a party in honor of her death. Then there was the Cakes. They might cry for a day, but soon they would forget the pain. It would then be better for them, they would no longer have to care for her. They had their own children now, they didn't need her. She was just a parasprite, cute, but good for nothing, consuming everything.

She took the knife and positioned it against her chest, both of her hooves on the handle. All she would have to do is push, then all the pain would go away. She closed her eyes and took in a deep breath, bracing herself for what she was about to do.

Suddenly she felt an increase in pressure on her tail. She opened her eyes, put the knife down, and turned. She saw a familiar baby aligator dangling from her tail. It seemed Gummy was trying to tell her something. As she stared into those seemly vacant purple eyes she saw something deeper. Gummy loved her.

Gummy needed her.

If it wasn't for her Gummy would probably be dead. She had found his egg washed up on the side of the road far from where it should be. She took it home and kept it warm, taking the place of it's mother. The other ponies called her crazy, telling her the egg was already dead, but she believed there was still hope for the unborn gator. By some miracle the gator happened to hatch on the day before her birthday.

And she loved Gummy too, with all of her heart that she could have carelessly destroyed a moment before. Even if the other ponies didn't see what there was to this gator, she could. Even if Gummy was the only creature in all of Equestria who cared for her it was enough. She needed to hang on for him.

And there was the twins. They would be messed up when they grew up if their "big sister" killed herself. They loved her, and while they didn't need her to live like Gummy did, they still needed her. Her friends also needed her. Even if they did just laugh at her that still made them smile, still made them happy. Anyway, she knew they loved her more than just for cheap laughs, or else they wouldn't have done so much for her. They would be devastated if she died. She was an Element of Harmony. She mattered to The Princesses. Equestria needed her. She couldn't give up on Equestria. That would make everypony sad.

She stared at the knife in her hooves. She needed to get rid of that. Suicide is silly, too silly even for Pinkie Pie. Once you are dead there is no going back, and being dead isn't very fun for anyone. It wouldn't make anything better, and there was still do much to do to just give up now. That knife needed to get back in drawer, in the kitchen, where it belonged.

However, as she stared into the blade she saw something more. The tip was red, and once Pinkie noticed this she felt a stinging pain on her chest. Studying her reflection she noticed two things. The first was that there was a small cut on her chest, right were she had placed the knife. The second was that, while her hair was puffier than it was a moment before, she still wasn't smiling. She was too horrified at what she had done.

While the wound was superficial, she had still made it. She was so close to actually putting a literal hole in her heart. Too close. She had nearly killed herself over what, Rainbow Dash thinking that she was joking when she described the rock farm, which, looking back on it, was pretty ridiculous. Eating too much cake? No, it was something much deeper. Something she couldn't even really understand herself. She was hurt inside.

The Cakes were going to come home soon. She couldn't let them know what she nearly did. She tried to smile, smile away pain. She stared into the knife, a fake smile on her face. She couldn't let her friends know either. They would not be happy if they learned how much their friend hurt inside. She had to put up a masquerade for them.

Yet, as she stared into her smile, she realized she couldn't. All this time she had been smiling for her friends, so that they might smile. She had lost the ability to really smile for herself, all those years ago. She couldn't smile. At last she gave in and burst into tears. She fell onto her bed and cried herself to sleep. All would be better in the morning.

Author's Note

After seeing the picture again while listening to https://soundcloud.com/makkon/some-time-to-think I decided to give Take These Broken Wings a rest and try a one-shot. Let's see how this goes. Yes, everything in it is purposely vague.

Also, this. I was listening this while writing the story, quite by accident they were related. Go check him out, Pallante makes some good Hard Brony Rock.

I was originally going to name this story PINK, but then I thought I remembered there being another story named PINK, and SMILE fits the story better. PINK might actually be http://www.fimfiction.net/story/3260/1/the-little-pink-pony/the-little-pink-pony , which probably influenced this story, but it might not be. I believe I was also influenced by http://www.fimfiction.net/story/22329/Pinkie-Watches-Paint-Dry by the same author.

I was probably also influenced by

because Tarby is best pony.