Past the Gates
I was never a morning person. It was the time when my pleasant dreams were suddenly interrupted by the suckiness of reality. If this was an earlier time in my life, I would’ve wanted to just stay asleep and dream forever. This time, however, I wake up to a sight more beautiful than any dream I’ve ever had: a pair of large, magenta eyes practically staring into my soul.
“Come on, sleepyhead! It’s getting late and you’ve got a big day today!”
“Do I have to, Dashie?” I respond weakly.
“What do you think?”
“...No?”
“Oh come on! Today’s important!”
“You say that everyday, and it all turns out the same. Now, let me sleep.”
“Fine. Go ahead and miss another Pinkie Party. See if I care.”
I immediately sit up. “Will there be booze?”
“Now you’re sounding like you don’t know Pinkie Pie.”
“Good point. What’s the occasion?”
She then proceeds to slap me upside the head. “Like you don’t know! It’s your anniversary dumbass!”
Oh, that’s right, I think to myself. Can’t believe I forgot.
“Can’t believe you forgot.”
“Kinda easy to do since I’ve got a beautiful mare in bed with me.”
I spy with my little eye something red on Dash’s face.
“Just get up and get dressed. We've gotta be there in 30 minutes.”
“I think you're forgetting that I can't do everything in ‘ten seconds flat’ as you put it.”
“Just move!”
And with that she kicks me out of bed and I land face first on the hardwood floor. So, pretty much how my typical morning starts out. Looking back, I still find it a little hard to believe. My seventh anniversary of coming to Equestria. I’ll never know how or why, but frankly I don’t think I want to know. I couldn’t give anymore of a damn about my old home. As one would expect, I had a pretty shitty life back on Earth. My parents hated me, I had no friends, I was constantly picked on in high school, and I’m pretty sure that my so-called ‘girlfriend’ was cheating on me. But, I won’t get into it and make me seem like a guy who can’t stop feeling sorry for himself.
Even in all my wildest dreams, I never would’ve thought that I would end up in a place like Equestria. It was like I was on Earth one day, and in Equestria the next. It’s a lot like Earth, but it’s not. The clouds don’t move on their own, the seasons don’t change by themselves, and the monarchic system is prevalent everywhere. However, the most notable difference is the residents. Except for the candy-colored bodies and manes, the hooves for feet, and the fact that there were three types, the ponies aren’t much different from humans. The fact that they could talk, had hands, and were bipedal like me made me feel like less of a loner. At first the ponies were paranoid around me, but I was gradually accepted into society. I even got to meet Princesses Celestia and Luna! They did me a favor by giving me some of their currency to get me started and even my own house outside of Ponyville. At my request of course.
One of the first ponies to take a liking to me just so happens to be walking next to me. We hung out for a while, became closer friends, she introduced me to her other friends, and even helped me to get a job at Sweet Apple Acres! It’s like every day I see her, we grow closer and closer. Everything about Rainbow Dash is just perfect. Her rainbow mane, her tomboyish attitude, her athleticism, and yes I’ll admit that she has an nice rack and a sexy ass. Kinda hard to ignore since her main choice of clothing is a white tanktop and black running shorts. Anyway, I’ll also admit that I’ve developed a crush on her over the years if you couldn't already tell by now. But, it still feels a little weird knowing that I find a creature that isn’t completely human attractive in any sort of way. I actually used to think that people like that were pretty weird. Now, I can see where they’re coming from. Dash and I are on our way to Sugar Cube Corner for another ‘Pinkie Party’. Dash stops all of a sudden and pulls something out of her nonexistent pocket.
“Here, put this on.” She hands the thing to me which turns out to be a bandana.
“Really? You want me to go blindfolded? You already told me about the party.”
“It was all I could say to get you out of bed! Just play along? You know how much Pinkie loves surprising the guest of honor.”
I think for a minute. “Only if you promise me a game of Bottoms Up”, I say with a smirk.
“Oh, you cheeky sonofabitch.”
“I take that as a compliment.”
And with that, I put the blindfold on and allow Dash to take me by the arm. And in case you didn’t know, Bottoms Up is a game that Dash and I invented with Applejack. Basically, it’s where you drink as much alcohol as you could in a set period of time. The fastest way to do this would be to just knock it back and drink it all at once, hence the name ‘Bottoms Up’.
When we get to the first steps of Sugar Cube Corner, I can hear the faint sound of chattering. Usually that means a place is packed, but even so I can only guess who Pinkie Pie invited this time. The door opens and I still can’t see crap. I feel a tug on the blindfold and mine eyes hath seen the glory that is a Pinkie Party. They all shout, “Surprise!!”, and I act surprised for Pinkie’s sake. As I suspected before, the place is packed. Everypony is cheering for me and I can’t but smile. All my friends come up to me and greet me personally. There’s Twilight in her school filly outfit and Spike in his ‘green shirt and purple pants combo’. Rarity’s in a long white dress, Fluttershy’s wearing her long brown skirt and green sweater, and Applejack’s in her flannel shirt and jeans. I also see Pinkie Pie checking up on the guests wearing her pink t-shirt and cut-off jeans. I’m thinking that it’ll actually be a boring party until-
“WE BEQUEATH UNTO THEE MUCH MERRIMENT AND JOY, YOUNG HUMAN!”
Cue Luna’s ‘Canterlot Voice’. And I’m pretty sure that my ears are bleeding now.
“Sister, I thought we were past the use of the Voice.”
Almost immediately, Luna’s expression changes into an apologetic one. “It’s alright, Princess. Old habits are hard to kick, so I don’t blame you. It’s also good to see you both. I’m actually surprised you could make it!”
Celestia waves dismissively saying, “We would not have missed this for the world. It is not every day that we have the chance to celebrate with the only non-pony in Equestria.”
I smile saying, “Then by all means, enjoy the party!”
Just then, a pink blur stops in front of me as the Princesses take their leave. Before she can speak, I stop her with a hand.
“Before you say anything, I have this to say. Yes, I’m enjoying the party. Yes, I was talking with the Princesses. I’ve been in Equestria for seven years now. Yes, this place is so much better than Earth. And no, Dash and I are NOT dating. That answer all of your questions?”
She starts to count them on one hand as she’s thinking. “All except for one. Could you head over to the bar? Dashie’s ready for your game.”
“Challenge accepted”, I say with a smirk.
Everypony would always ask me why I’m so confident in taking on Rainbow Dash in a competition, much less a drinking contest. Well, we all know that Dash would never back down from a challenge. But, in terms of holding your alcohol, she’s such a lightweight that it isn’t even funny. Of course, I don’t have the heart to tell her for fear of breaking her competitive spirit. Oh well, she’ll learn someday. Just not today.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I don’t know what’s going on, but I’m having a very weird dream. I’m back on Earth and I’m on some kind of stage, almost like a rock concert. The crowd’s cheering for me and the people on stage with me. The band starts playing a song that sounds familiar to me. My fingers are flying across the fretboard of a guitar that I could never do in my life. Just then, a huge guy jumps on the stage looking pissed off. He turns to me and I notice that there’s a gun in his hand. He points the gun at me, shoots, and everything goes dark.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I struggle to keep my eyes closed because of the bright Sun that I’m pretty sure Celestia had planned. I have no idea where I am; all I know is that I’m in a bed and my head is killing me. I remember last night up until the part where I joined Dash at the bar. Up until that, it’s just blank.
“Hey Twilight. Ah reckon he’s about to wake up.”
A voice? Sounds like somepony’s here with me. Giving up on getting anymore sleep, I open my eyes to see that Applejack is standing over me. She’s joined shortly by Twilight, and they’re wearing the same clothes as they were last night. Or however many days have passed. I look around to find that I’m back in my own house, so I don’t have to worry about anypony.
“Hey there, champ. How ya doin?”
“I feel like I went ten rounds with Iron Will.”
“That bad huh?”, Twilight asks.
“And then, he split my head in half at the end. Do I even want to know what happened last night?” Twilight and Applejack give each other confident glances. “What?”
“Let’s just say that Rainbow ain’t gonna be called ‘Rainbow Crash’ for a long time.” That only confuses me even more.
“Dumb Bell, Hoops, and Score caught up to Dash and started calling her all kinds of bad names. Then, you stepped in for them to stop and they didn’t take too kindly to that.”
“So, they were screamin at ya to get outta their faces and Score hit ya right in the kisser.”
“But, you retaliated and gave Score a hard headbutt. You ended up breaking his nose.”
My eyes are about to pop out of their sockets. “I did that?!”
Applejack beams with pride saying, “Ya sure as sugar did! And those cowards were so scared that they went up and bolted outta there faster than Pinkie Pie at cider season!”
Even through my hangover, I can’t help but smile like an idiot. I actually managed to grow a pair to do something like that for the mare that I like. Speaking of which...
“Where is Dash anyway?”
“Waiting outside. Apparently, you two have another thing to go to this afternoon.”
“Ah guess we better give ya some privacy so ya can get into some better clothes. See ya.”
And with that, they waved goodbye and left me to my business. As quickly as I could, I got up and put some jeans on with my tennis shoes. I picked up a random shirt off the floor and put it on. As I left the house, I see Dash a little ways down and wave hello to her. She surprises me by flying full speed at to me and throwing her arms around me. But, what she does next takes my breath away.
She kisses me. Right on the lips. I’d be fainting right now if she wasn’t holding onto me so tight. Unfortunately, she breaks away before I take the time to enjoy it. My brain is still trying to process what was going on, but Dash grabs me by the arm and takes off. It takes me a few seconds to realize that I’m flying in the sky with her.
“Where are we going?”
“The concert you got tickets to last night! We’ll get there faster this way!”
“What concert?”
“The Damageplan concert!”
That’s right. Damageplan. The one that Dimebag Darrell got into after Pantera? There’s a band in Equestria that’s just like that band, and even shares their name! Not that I’m complaining. What better way to celebrate Dash and me becoming a couple than badass music?
We finally arrive at an arena in a few minutes. When we get in line, I look behind me to see that the line is already growing fast. There are ponies pushing and shoving trying to get a place in line. A few fights even break out and security has to come over and break it up. One guy even bumps into me hard and can’t stop apologizing. Kinda weird for a big stallion that looks like he could kick my ass to next week. As for the fights, these guys must be pretty popular over here like on Earth for something like that to happen. When we finally manage to get into the arena, it’s nothing short of amazing.
We manage to get to the front because that’s where all the good stuff happens. Almost on cue, the crowd packs itself right into the spot where Dash and I are. We almost get separated a few times, but I manage to pull her close to me to keep us together. Ponies are shouting for the band to hurry up and play something, but it’s been a good five minutes and no show. Just then, a lone power chord rings out. The crowd immediately turns to the stage to see a lone Pegasus with a red goatee holding a guitar in his hands. He starts playing a heavy riff and the crowd starts to cheer louder and louder. When he’s finished, the rest of the band comes out and starts to play. The drums are fast and hard, the bass is loud and powerful, the guitar is high and lightning-quick, and the singer is screaming his heart out. It’s just like any concert I ever went to on Earth, except at least 20% cooler since there were ponies playing in it. True story.
Dash and I start swaying to the beat of the music just like a normal couple does. If it weren’t for the loud music playing right in front of us, we would just start making out right there. Suddenly, the music stops. Confused, I look up and see somepony standing on stage. He looks just like the stallion that bumped into me earlier, but he’s different this time. He’s up there roaring at the top of his lungs, but I can’t understand what he’s saying. Then, my eyes notice something. I see something bright and metallic in his pocket that looks almost like.... a gun handle.
Time seems to slow down. My mind instantly goes back to the dream. The stage, the guitar, the shooter. I have no idea what to think, but something tells me to move. Like a flash, I let Dash go and jump up over the railing. Before the security guards can catch me, I leap onto the stage and run towards the stallion. Out of the corner of his eye, he spots me and points the gun at me. Completely ignoring the fact that I could die here, I rush towards him even faster. The gun goes off and everything goes black.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
I wake up with a jolt. I’m greeted by a pale white ceiling, which makes me think for a second that I’ve gone on to the afterlife. I try to move my arms, but only my left responds. Then, a pair of magenta eyes comes into my line of sight.
“Hey”, is all I can manage.
“How are you, Mr. Hero?”
Looking down, I see that my right arm is in a cast. “Well, that happened.”
“Yeah, you got shot in the shoulder. Doc says you’ll be fine though.”
“Then, I feel like a million bits”, I say with a chuckle.
“Well, I would be too if I saved Dimebag Abbot!”
“I did?”
“Hell yeah you did! Take a look at this!”
Dash then shoves the Equestria Daily newspaper into my face. I take in my left hand to find an article that reads:
Stranger Helps Dimebag Dodge Bullet, Recovering in Hospital
To the surprise and relief of metalhead ponies everywhere, the stranger that saved the band will live to tell of it again.
Last night at 8:45 pm, the popular heavy metal band Damageplan was playing at the Apple Bowl stadium a few miles outside of Ponyville to a sold-out crows of 250,000. Just a few minutes into their set list, an Earth pony by the name of Sharp Shooter jumped up on the stage and shouted something unintelligible. He then pulled a gun out of his pocket and pointed it at the band's lead guitarist Dimebag Abbot, formerly of Pantera. However, a fan in the crowd saw what was about to happen and jumped onto the stage as well. The shooter saw this and fired. The fan was hit in the shoulder, but enough time was given for Dimebag to wrestle Shooter to the ground with the help of security and other members of the band. The fan was taken to the hospital shortly to be treated for his wounds.
The fan is currently recovering in the hospital and is expected to make a full recovery. Sharp Shooter has been given a life sentence without the possibility of parole for attempted murder.
“You sure saved my ass, bro.”
An unknown voice greets my ears as I’m reading. I set the paper down to see Dimebag himself standing in the doorway. Dash lets out a fangirl scream at the sight of him, and I would do the same if I wasn’t so weak.
“Just did what I could. You doing okay?”
“Better than ever! That bastard that tried to shoot me is on his way to the big house. He’s gonna be there for a long time, so you don’t have to worry about me. And maybe when you get outta here, I’ll buy you a drink.”
I thank him for that. He’s pretty chilled for almost dying last night. The rest of the band comes in shortly and greets me and Dash. We all shake hands, I introduce myself and Dash, they can’t stop saying thank you, and they all offer to buy me drinks when I’m out of the hospital. All the while, I’m expecting that Dash won’t be able to take her eyes off the band. Instead, she’s been staring at me for a long time with a look similar to ‘bedroom eyes’.
Dimebag probably sees this as he motions for the band to go outside. As they’re walking out, Dimebag turns back toward us. “Don’t waste your life, bro. It might be gone in the blink of an eye.
Dedicated to “Dimebag” Darrell Abbott RIP
