If you are reading this than I am rather dead, dying in some hellish location, on business for the crown or you just found this by accident. If it is any of the three than burn this book at once upon finished reading otherwise please calmly put this back where you found it on the highest shelf in my home and lock the door behind you.
To those that know me and those that hope to know me or just those that are ignorant and have no clue as to who or what I am. The name is Roran T. Zidane and I am the last human alive on Earth...or Eques...whatever these ponies call it now. I have been living here ever since I was released from my stone coffin and have been pretty much an agent for the Crown.
It has been almost four months since I have been free and began this journal. Hope to god that this doesn't get burned by accident.
To those that know me...
If I have been killed or left to die out on the battlefield than I want you to know that I am sorry for acting like such an asshole to a few of you, and also sorry Twilight for setting one of your books on fire, it just had to go. I hated the fact that you had a book on such silly things about my people when you only barely studied the details and thorough studies of our science. Also I left you a small notebook detailing all the plants and animals within the Everfree Forest, just don't try to collect anything, still to dangerous for you and your friends.
I am also sorry Rarity for pulling that prank on you by switching out your shampoo with that green hair dye, it was honestly Pinkie Pie and Rainbow Dash grand idea of a prank, I just did it because I thought you liked the color green but I can clearly see that you hate it with a burning passion of hatred.
Pinkie Pie, I am not sorry for eating your cupcakes because they are to damn good and also you still owe me for making my stomach want to tear itself apart when you gave me that over-the-top 100% sugar cupcake that almost killed me. Other than that I just hope you would stop trying to get me to smile, it won't work for I am a soldier and our job is never easy or happy. Never is and never will be.
Rainbow Dash, you and I are alike and yet different, so I will only tell you this one time. I am better than you at hoofball and swimming so take that to the bank and cash it in. You will never be able to pull off a Hail Marry Pass like me, and you never ever be able to hold your breath underwater for 20 minutes like me. Just do not try it, I already saw two idiots try to do that once when I was in the army and watching those two float up after 2 minutes was funny as hell. But seriously don't try it.
Applejack, sorry for punching your brother in the face, he had it coming when he did not tell me about the time of the year. I am also sorry for taking your hat and replacing it with a pimp hat, the look on your face when you saw me wearing yout stetson was well worth the chase and the eventual verbal chewing out. Tell Applebloom to keep working on her cutie mark along with the others, I am positive they will get it sooner or later.
Fluttershy, I am only sad that I did not really get to know you beside the part of your ungodly love of nature and the forest critters and your ability to stare down a dragon. You are one of the few ponies that downright fear me just from my presence alone. I am sorry for scaring you the few times we met, and sorry for not telling you about the time I used Angel Bunny as bait to lure a manticore out of hiding to remove it from the edge of the forest to keep the town safe.
Prince Blueblood, you are the biggest pompous asshole I have ever meet in my entire life, my god just shut the hell up about being superior and being of royal blood well let me tell you this. Royal blood sheds the same of common blood except it tastes sweeter and goes great with a cup of fine wine.
Captain Shining Armor, do me proud and train those guards to fight to protect Equestria, and also show that wife of yours a few of the moves I told you about, she will love it, I guarentee it. And be warned that if she is ever with child do not panic and be a retard, just keep calm and do calibrations...or whatever the hell you do to calm down.
Princess Cadence, Don't even think about, don't even speak about it. Never again.
Princess Luna, You have to tell me about the time you created your own holiday and not only attended it but also managed to scare the living crap out of every single pony that first saw you. And also sorry for scaring you when I was still a statue, it was well worth the very painfully slow turning and timing.
Princess Celetia, Stay strong, don't do anyting rash, and also stop pranking every single pony, sooner or later one of them will find out and catch onto it.
Discord, if you somehow are reading this than go to the fireplace, lift up the iron grid and go into the wine and cheese cellar, look for a statue of Buddha, left low fist, right high five, left high palm, right low middle finger. You will know the rest.
Kara, learn to speak your mind about different matters and also please learn to deal with a few of the dumb ponies, sure they do get on my nerves when they ask about my cutie mark even though I have like...5 of them on my body and I will not tell them what four of them mean, the fifth one they just have to learn to read russian or to translate it. And if I do die or if I already am dead, you get my house and everything in it, except for my cheese and wine, just eat, drink or sell it.
To the ponies that hope to know me...
Lyra Heartstrings, you honestly scare me sometimes when you constantly come up to me to ask about my past, the past of my people and also how good am I at playing instruments because I have fingers. Colgate, you are the second most evillest thing in Ponyville because whenever I go to get my teeth cleaned or checked I always wake up four hours later and have the feeling of sweat and painful feelings in my jaw. Octavia, keep Vinyl in line and for god sakes try to relax for once and stop being so damn uptight. Vinyl Scratch, learn to enjoy the little and big things in life and try to not party so much otherwise you might eventually keel over and I won't be there to take your unconscious ass to the bedroom to make sure you wake up with a hangover and not crisis. Ditzy, keep up the good work with the mail, next time you remember to get to my house with the mail, try not to put a muffin in my letters, just tie it around them in a bundle to save time and try to not crash into a window, those things get annoying to constantly replace.
To those that have no fucking idea as to who I am...
Honestly go out and read a newspaper articule or even the book I wrote about the war of the Reapers, just go out buy the book, read the local paper or just ask around about me. Hell just go to Canterlot and look for my statue that is next to Discord, read the piece of wood and hope to god that my nose on that thing is correct cause I hate seeing it looking like I was born with a snausage for a nose.
Signed
Roran T. Zidane
