Worshipping God... With the Goddess of the Sun (And the Spirit of Chaos)
Christmas Dinner
By: Kuroyami Fukaikuro
Author's Note: Let's put the timeline for this between Haygas Chaos and Around Equestria in 80 Days.
My House, Around 5:30 PM
I sat on my bed. Christmas night, and my family had gone to Germany to celebrate. I thought about some of the things I would miss- the christkindlesmarkt, the rabbit sausages, etc. Then I remembered that in Germany, MLP was in German.
I don't speak German. (But I can if you like xD)
Since I can't speak German, I decided to stay home for Christmas. What's that? Christmas is about enjoying the company of your family and friends? Well, I don't know about your family, but mine is ASIAN. We're Bhuddist. Or at least my parents are. And I had (*have) plenty of friends (plenty = three).
I sighed. My friends had gone on trips with their families for the holidays. I was stuck watching TV and YouTube, reading fics and tentacle hentai.
Then, I heard a sound from the portal in my closet. Then I heard a loud crash as whatever came out of the portal collided with the closet door.
"Agh, sonofa-"
"Discord? What are you doing?"
"Well, it's 'Christmas', as you humans call it..."
"Right..."
"And you have no life..."
"I wouldn't say that..."
"So why don't you come down to Canterlot to teach us about it?"
"... Why not."
"Great!"
And so we went through the portal. Since I had gone through once before, it no longer injured me. (Thank Luna for that)
The Canterlot Hallways
"Don't thank Luna."
"What?"
"Thank me. It's because of me that the pain is only a one time experience."
"Did you just read my mind?"
"Yes."
"Stop. There is some stuff in there that's too messed up for anyone but me."
"Oh yeah? Like wha- HOLY SHIT THAT'S MESSED UP."
"I told you."
"Oh shit man... That's just... What kind of person-"
"Human beings. Enough of that, the readers are getting bored."
"Yeah. Let's just get to the lecture hall."
The Lecture Hall
Discord walked onto the stage. "Now presenting, the only human willing to talk to us about this topic, Kuroyami Fukaikuro explaining Christmas!"
I walked onstage.
"Christmas is the human celebration of the Birth of our Savior, Jesus H. Christ. I say 'Human' Celebration, but in reality, the rejoicers of this event is limited based on the religion, the belief, of the individual. Not everyone celebrates this. Some people, like Jews, celebrate other things. The people who celebrate Christmas are Christians. The most reknown kind of Christian is Catholic.
"Anyways, back to Christmas. While we celebrate it in winter, the actual birth of Jesus probably occured during the spring, due to the presence of sheep and shepards.
"The birth of Jesus is well celebrated due to the firm Christian belief that he is the Savior of all mankind. There are many arguements one can make with them, but I won't go into that.
"One of the things that make the birth of Jesus special is that he was, according to the story, concieved without the use of sexual intercourse. His mother was thus dubbed, 'The Virgin Mary'.
"One of the major distinctions about Christmas is the act of gift-giving; taking the time (and money, dear god why does stuff cost so much) to purchase- or handmake, if you have the proper skill-set -gifts for family, friends, etc. There are two probable reasons for this act. The first is that, according to the story, upon the birth of Jesus, Three Kings arrived with three gifts- gold, myrrh, and frankincense. These gifts had symbolic meaning; the gold was a symbol of human kingship. The Frankincense was a symbol of religous importance. And the Myrrh, traditionally used in embalming, symbolized death.
"Altogether the three gifts show Christ's significance; He is a King among men (gold), and in Heaven (frankincense), but being a man, he will eventually die (myrrh). And if the story is true, he did die. But that's a completely different event altogether.
"The other probable reason for gift-giving is the story of Saint Nicholas, or, as he was known in life, the Greek 'Hagias Nikolaos'. This particular Saint was well known for leaving gifts of money and food for the poor and needy. In time, his story would spread, and eventally lead to the act of gift-giving.
"And that is Christmas. Any questions?"
A particular girl with purple hair and a pink highlight stood up. "How did Jesus Christ die?"
"I'll come back on that holiday and explain it to you then. Anything else? No? Good." I walked off stage.
Discord came up to me. "That was a wonderful explanation! Hey, the Hearth's Warming Eve feast is about to start! You gonna stay for that?"
"Seeing how my only other option is Chinese food, which I have every other night, I'll accept."
There were rather awkward seating positions at the feast. That is, Celestia, Discord, Twilight and I were all at table seperate form everypony else.
I sat across from Twilight, and Discord from Celestia.
"So." Twilight began.
"So." I responded.
"What was up with you-"
"Instead of getting into boring- bullshit dramatic stuff, here's a gift." I handed her a book, and she read the title.
"The complete works of... Friedrich Nietzsche?"
" 'A true man wants two things: danger and play. For that reason he want's woman, as the most dangerous plaything.' "
"I'm guessing he said that?"
"Yes."
"That's kind of sexist."
"Is it really?"
"Yes."
"Think about it. Women are what all (straight) men want. And yet, they can be the destroyer of men. Thus, 'the most dangerous plaything'."
"Still. Anyways, what's with you running off like-"
Thankfully, Celestia interrupted her.
"So Kuroyami, can you please tell me the whole story of Jesus?" she then mumbled quietly, "So I can figure out why people worship him and not me..."
"Sure. Jesus was born. I told you that. At a young age, he astounded the scholars of a local temple with wisdom beyond his age. At some point or other, he got 12 people, his disciples, who followed his every word and teaching."
"Twelve! Hmm, should I get some more faithful students?..."
"C-Celestia!" Twilight exclaimed.
"What? This man was apparently so great that he got TWELVE suckers to believe he actually did what he did... What did he do anyway?"
"He cured blindness and deafness, fed many with only a single loaf of bread (and a single fish), and he even BROUGHT THE DEAD BACK TO LIFE."
"I-I raise the sun every day."
"Can you bring back the dead?"
"No, the souls of the dead are the jurisdiction of another alicorn..."
"Really? Who?"
"My dad..."
"Huh. Well in the end, one of his Disciples got jealous and sold Jesus out to some nonbelievers for 30 pieces of silver. Jesus was put on trial... Well, it was more of a lynching actually. Then he was whipped and beaten repeatedly, before being forced to carry a heavy wooden cross throughout the town. He was then nailed to the cross and they stuck him there for all to see until he died. One soldier, Longinus, was said to have stabbed Jesus' side with his spear as he hung there."
"That's awful..." Twilight said.
"Yeah. Then, after dying, he came back to life and then ascended into heaven."
"He... Came back to life..."
"Yes."
"Isn't he basically a Mary Sue?"
"Yeah pretty much. In some earlier, 'forgotten' texts, there are stories about his childhood where he fights dragons and kills people who offend him by just saying, 'die'. I mean, I know he's the son of God, but really."
"Fights.. Dragons..."
"Yes."
"I'd like to meet this, 'Jesus'." Celestia said.
"Well, there are arguements whether he actually exists. And he ascended to heaven, and hasn't been to Earth since, not that I know of. But, I can take you to a place of worship. Mass is at Midnight."
"M-Midnight??!!"
"Yes. What, is that too late? Does her highness need her beauty sleep?"
"No, it's fine. I just haven't stayed up that late since Luna returned. Let's go."
Midnight, at a Local Church
Mass started. People sang songs and ate communion wafers and all that boring Mass stuff.
I fell asleep during the sermon (like I always do). Celestia and Twilight however, were paying rapt attention. I knew because I could sense them. Discord wasn't with us, something about how he "can't enter places like this, or I'll burst into flames".
The sermon, from what I could tell, was something about how even during the busy holiday season, even during the scramble to get gifts, we shouldn't forget our spiritual obligation to Christ.
And at the end...
"Well Kuro," Celestia said, "That was some wonderful message. About being faithful even when your mind is focused on other things. I should take a hint from this Jesus guy to get more ponies to worship me!"
"Good luck on your tyranny."
"Goodbye Kuroyami, and Merry Christmas!"
The End
Author's Note
WHOA
THERE'S A SEPERATE SPACE FOR AUTHOR'S NOTES
HOLY SHIT
THAT'S AWESOME
Anyways, the timeline for this fic is somewhere between Haygas Chaos and Around Equestria in 80 Days.
OH YEAH
HAPPY HOLIDAYS GUYS
PEACE OUT
I got that bitch a book, where the hell is my gift?
Christmas Dinner
By: Kuroyami Fukaikuro
A/N: This is totally not a random ass update to prove I'm being productive #lyingapplejack
Christmas Day
I woke up and sighed. "Another Christmas alone. Wonderful. And no gifts this year either." Then, once again, I heard the portal fizzle, and someone came out, crashing through my closet door.
A woman with mint green hair walked out, completely naked.
"So this is what it feels like to be human. This is AWESOME! I should come to the human world more often."
"Ma'am? What are you doing in my house?"
"Oh! Hello there, Kuroyami right? I asked Discord if he could bring a pony into the human world, and he just directed me towards a portal that led me here. I know who you are because I was at your lecture last night, and may I say, it was a wonderful insight at human culture."
"Thanks. But I should have told you all, not all humans celebrate Christmas the same. I think I also said that not all of them celebrate Christmas at all. There's a lot of finer details to human culture."
"Well, what does your family do?"
"To answer that, we'd have to go back to Equestria because my uncle taught me a song about how Christmas is like with my family. And I want a goddam audience."
"Okay, but I can then come back to the human world, right?"
"Sure."
"Great!"
We went back to Equestria.
Canterlot, Equestria
I walked onto a random stage and picked up a guitar.
Discord immediately materialized behind me on the drums and used his chaos magic to prepare other necessary instruments..
"You came back sooner than expected."
"Well, I figured, I gave Twilight a gift, and it's customary to get one in return. Also I just had to sing for the holidays."
"This is why we're friends."
"Since when were we friends?"
"Since we hang out whenever you come here."
"This is only the third time I've been here."
"Yeah, but you're gonna come back for the tour of Equestria, right?"
"Touche. Let's just start." I took a deep breath, and then shouted, "HEY CANTERLOT SNOBS! BE PREPARED TO GET AN EARGASM!"
Almost instantly, a crowd appeared. Mostly because Celestia was part of it, and people tried to look good in front of her. Or ponies. Whatever.
"Alright! For those of you who were at my lecture last night, this is a song that my uncle taught me that represents his view of Christmas with my family."
I began.
The season's upon us
It's that time of year
brandy and eggnog
there's plenty of cheer.
there's lights on the trees
and there's wreaths to be hung
there's mischief and mayhem
and songs to be sung.
there's bells and there's holly
the kids are gung ho!
true love finds a kiss
beneath fresh mistletoe
some family's are messed up
while others are fine
if you think yours is crazy,
well you should see mine!
my sisters are whackjobs
I wish I had none
their husbands are losers
and so are their sons
my nephew's a horrible
wise little twit
he once gave me a nice
gift-wrapped box full of shit.
he likes to pelt carolers
with icy snowballs
I'd like to take 'em out back
and deck more than the halls
with famiily like this I
would have to confess
I'd be better of lonely
distraught and depressed
The season's upon us
It's that time of year
brandy and eggnog
there's plenty of cheer.
there's lights on the trees
and there's wreaths to be hung
there's mischief and mayhem
and songs to be sung.
They call this Christmas, where I'm from!
my mom likes to cook
push our buttons and prod
my brother just brought home
another big broad.
the eyes roll and whispers
come loud from the kitchen
I'd come home more often
if they'd only quit bitchin.
dad on the other hand's
a selfish old sod
drinks whiskey alone
with my miserable dog
who won't run or fetch
he couldn't care less
he defiled my teddy bear
and left me the mess
The season's upon us
It's that time of year
brandy and eggnog
there's plenty of cheer.
there's lights on the trees
and there's wreaths to be hung
there's mischief and mayhem
and songs to be sung.
They call this Christmas, where I'm from!
The table's set
we raise a toast
to the Father, Son
and the Holy Ghost!
I'm so glad this day
only comes once a year!
You can keep your opinions
your presents, your Happy New Year!
They call this Christmas where I'm from!
Yeah,
They call this Christmas where I'm from!
Celestia stomped her hooves in applause, causing everyone else to do so out of respect. Whatever.
I walked up to Celestia. "Where's Twilight?" I asked.
"In the Canterlot library. Why? Are you going to have sex? I swear, if you're going to have sex..."
"No. I'm just going to ask her a question."
"Ok."
I started walking away as Discord walked up and started making out with Celestia (why am I writing this).
"GET A GODDAM ROOM"
"WE'RE BORED OF ROOMS"
I fucking ran.
The Canterlot Library
I walked around and found Twilight sitting on a sofa, reading the book I got her.
"You enjoying it?"
She flinched. "Ah- Kuroyami? What are you doing here?"
"Well, uh, to be honest, I got kinda lonely at home..."
"Oh..."
"And, not to sound selfish but, um, it's customary to give a gift in return." I motioned towards the book.
"Ah, um..."
"Yeah..."
Well, this is awkward... I thought.
"So. Um, what would you like?"
I decided. "Surprise me."
"What?"
"You claim to be in love with me. What do you even know about me? Here's your chance to prove it."
"F-fine. I'll get you a gift so great that you'll fall in love with me!" She ran off.
"That's statistically improbable!" I shouted after her.
"SSSSHHHHH!" A librarian whispered loudly to me.
I sat down in Twilight's chair, and noticed that she forgot the book. I opened it up to where she was. She was already almost halfway through.
"Damn she reads fast."
I decided to scry and check out her progress. It's only stalking if I'm physically following her. I rolled up my left sleeve.
"Vigilate." (Latin for 'watch') Some of the runes on my arm glowed and I closed my eyes.
Wherever the hell Twilight was
She walked up the street towards a coffee shop. She sat down at a table and ordered a latte.
"Ugh, what am I gonna get for him? And even after I made that claim... What do I know about him?" She got her latte and sipped it as she thought. "He can fight well, seeing how he beat Shining. He likes rock music. He's against child molestation, but I don't see how that's useful... Damn, that's about it." She sighed, finished off her latte, and stood up. She walked up the street-
~~CONNECTION INTERRUPTED~~
I opened my eyes and saw Shining Armor in front of me. In pony form.
"Goddamn."
"I'm going to fucking kill you."
"Have to catch me first~!" I sang as I jumped out the window.
He jumped after me and we ran down the street.
Insert Epic Chase Scene
Later, at the Town Center
I skidded to a stop in front of Discord and Celestia-
-who were still making out (please stop me)
"Have you been there all day???"
He finally dislodged himself. "Yes."
Shining Armor caught up. "I'M GOING TO FUCKING KILL YOU!!!!"
I sighed. "Dude, go smoke some weed or something."
"THAT'S THE PROBLEM!!!"
"Well. I don't care."
He charged me, making a shield and spear for himself out of magic.
I jumped out of the way, saying "Now that's just unfair! I don't have a weapon."
Then Twilight ran up. "Kuroyami! Here's your gift!" She threw me a long box.
"Thanks. Here's your book. You dropped it."
"Oh. Thanks."
I unwrapped the box and opened it up. "Is this... A Katana made of Equestrian steel? How do your smiths even know about Katantas, Celestia?"
"They became popular since your first visit."
"Ah. That explains it. And Twilight, I guess you do know me. I'm a simple guy who likes to fight. Now, come at me, Twilight's Bro!"
He charged me again. I parried his spear and kicked his shield so that it hit him in the face. Then I sidestepped and smashed the hilt against his head, knocking him unconscious.
"And that's that." I turned to Discord. "I'm ready to go back."
He opened the portal.
"I'll be back for summer!"
I entered.
The end. For real this time.
Author's Note
GODDAMN
MY COMPUTER CRASHED AND I HAD TO RE-TYPE LIKE HALF OF THIS
FUUUUUUUUUUU
Also I intended to publish this yesterday but I had to sleep at like Midnight
