Once upon a time, in the magical land of Equestria, it was Hearth's Warming Eve, the most magical and jolly time of the year. Snowflakes were gently falling from the sky, covering the world in white. All the little ponies in the land were getting ready to celebrate the most wonderful holiday.
However, not every pony in Equestria was so happy, for in the magnificent city of Canterlot, in his big expensive home, one pony was having a not-so-jolly Hearth's Warming Eve.
Prince Blueblood was lying on his bed in his room staring up at the sealing. An empty glass that had contained his alcoholic drink sat on the nightstand beside him.
He sighed in depression. “It’s hopeless,” he muttered to himself. He was supposed to be a Prince. He was supposed to be ‘all that’. Ponies were supposed to see him as greatness and respect him.
Instead, everypony saw him as a disgrace and a joke.
The new Prince, Shining Armor, Princess Cadence, the element bearers, they had all done something great with their lives. They were national heroes, for crying out loud, having saved Equestria on multiple occasions. Heck, Cadence and Shining ruled their own Empire, and the Princesses were getting Twilight Sparkle ready for something really big and important. Everypony respected them. But he hadn’t done anything that could be considered ‘worthwhile’ for Prince, and everypony saw him as a jerk and a coward. Well he had had it! He was sick and tired of his life being considered a waist while others got all the glory.
Blueblood crawled out of bed and looked over at his bookshelf. His horn glowed with a light blue aura as he magically levitated several books off the shelf that he hoped would help tell him about how Princes should be and about Equestrian heroes throughout history. He opened the door to his bedroom and walked out, carrying the books with him.
When he got to the staircase, however, he froze. Standing at the bottom of the steps was a strange pony the Prince had never seen before.
The rugged looking Earth pony stallion was brown with a dark mane, and wore a tan trench coat and a blue tie around his neck.
“Hello, Blueblood,” said the stranger.
“Who are you?” Blueblood demanded angrily, taking a defensive stance. “And what are you doing in my home?”
“My name is Castiel,” said the pony simply. “And I am your guardian angel.”
Blueblood looked appalled. “My guardian angel? What kind of an idiot do you take me for?”
“You really don’t want me to answer that,” said Castiel.
Blueblood stuck up his nose. “Look, whoever you are, get out of my house this instant or you will suffer the consequences! I’m very busy trying to think of ways to become a respectable Prince in everyponys’ eyes without doing a lot of hard work, or risking my life at all.”
“I already know that,” said a voice behind him.
Blueblood cried out, dropping the books he was levitating, and whirled around to find Castiel standing right behind him. Blueblood looked back down stares to find that Castiel was no longer down there.
“Is that proof enough?” asked Castiel.
“H-How did you?” Blueblood couldn’t figure out how the Earth pony had done this. He considered teleportation, but only unicorns and alicorns could do that, and only super skilled ones at that.
“I told you, I’m your guardian angel.”
“Okay,” said Blueblood, starting to believe. “But if you’re an angel, then where’s your wings?”
Castiel face-hoofed. “Why do they all ask that?” he grumbled. “Look, the wings are metaphorical. We don’t really have wings growing out of our backs… unless we were a pegusus. However, we can do this...”
A white glow suddenly surrounded Castiel and he began to float up into the air. Blueblood watched in amazement.
“Are you convinced now?” asked Castiel, a magical echo in his voice now. Blueblood nodded. “Good.” Castiel desended back down to the floor, and the glow disappeared, leaving him looking like a normal Earth pony once again.
“Okay, so what are you doing here, Mr. Guardian angel?” asked Blueblood.
“Just call me Castiel,” he said. “And I am here because I have heard your discouraged whimpers, and have come down to put your troubles at ease.”
“What do you mean?” asked Blueblood.
“I am going to show you what the world would be like if there was no Prince Blueblood.”
Blueblood scoffed. “Oh, come on! It wouldn't be that different." He hung his head. "I’ve never done anything important.”
“Oh, but you're wrong,” said Castiel. “You make a difference in SO many pony’s lives. If you would just let me show you...”
Blueblood was still skeptical. “Oh, I can't. I'm... coming down with something.” He quickly made a few fake coughs and sneezes. “It's very contagious, you could die at any second.”
Castiel wasn’t fooled. “Blueblood, I can show you just what an impact you make. You may not have defeated any evil monsters, but you have helped a number of ponies to live better lives in your own way. Just trust me.”
After a few seconds, Blueblood sighed. “All right, but this better be worth it,” he said, dejectedly.
Castiel smiled and held out his left foreleg. “Here. Touch my trench coat,” he said.
With a shrug, Blueblood walked over to him and put his hoof on the sleeve of the trench coat. Castiel lightly tapped his right hoof on the floor. At that moment, a bright light engulfed the two ponies and they instantly vanished from the room.
…
Blueblood and Castiel emerged a few moments later in what appeared to be somepony’s basement.
“Where are we?” asked Blueblood, looking around at his unknown surroundings.
“We're in a world where you never existed,” said Castiel.
Blueblood looked at him. “Never existed? You mean, I was never born?”
Castiel nodded. “Yes. As you’ll see, Equestria is a very different place without you. For example…” Castiel pointed over at a pony at the far side of the basement who seemed to be doing something with a pipeline running against the basement wall. He was wearing a blue-buttoned shirt that had the words ‘Plumbing Industry’ written on it. “Take a look at your friend Hoity Toity over there.”
Blueblood gaped in shock. “THAT’S Hoity Toity!?! He's a PLUMBER?” As Blueblood kept looking, he could see that it indeed really was Hoity Toity.
Castiel spoke. “Yes, Blueblood. Without you being there to inspire him, he never became a fashion critic. This is the life he leads.”
“Oh, my gosh! That sucks,” said Blueblood.
“Now do you see, Blueblood,” said Cas. “You may not have saved Equestria from imminent destruction by vaguely evil forces, but you have helped a number of ponies to be able to live good li…” Castiel stopped as he and Blueblood noticed another pony come walking into the room. They were surprised to see that it was none other than Photo Finish.
“OK, ve are ready for you,” the mare said as she walked up to Hoity Toity, who turned to face her. “Now, you do remember your lines, correct? You are ze plumber? You are here to fix za mare's pipes?”
Hoity Toity waived a dismissing hoof. “Ma’am, I've been doing this for years. I could do it blindfolded if I wanted to.”
Blueblood looked at Castiel. “Can they see us?” he asked.
“No,” said Cas. “These are just shadows of what might have been. We’re ghosts to them.”
Back in front of them, Photo Finish nodded to Hoity Toity. “All vight, here is za mare you vill be vorking vith. Miss Rarity.” Photo Finish gestured over to the doorway where a white mare with a purple mane and tail practically bounced into the room with excitement.
“Oh my goodness,” squealed Rarity. “I simply can't believe I'm about to do a scene with Equestria’s Greatest Porn Star ever! You have been an enormous inspiration to me, Mr. Toity!”
Blueblood looked at Castiel, who was just as confused. “This is the terrible life he leads?!” exclaimed Blueblood. “He’s not a plumber! He’s a buckin’ Porn Star!”
Castiel didn’t know what to say. The two turned back to the scene in front of them, where Hoity Toity was talking to Rarity.
“Well, my dear,” said Hoity, “all you need is a penis the size of a tree trunk, and it really isn’t that difficult.”
Rarity practically swooned. “Ah! I just came at the sound of your voice,” she said.
Hoity Toity grinned proudly. “I get that a lot.”
Castiel turned to Blueblood and shrugged. “Okay, maybe that wasn't a good example. Why don't we try somepony else?” But Blueblood held up a hoof to silence him.
“Wait a moment. I wanna see this,” he said.
Cas rolled his eyes and they looked back at the scene in front of them.
“Places, everypony,” shouted Photo Finish as she got behind a camera. “It’s time to make… ze magics! Action!”
As Blueblood and Castiel watched, their eyes opened wide in shock at what they were seeing.
“OH MY GOD! That's not NATURAL!” shouted Blueblood.
“How in heaven does he carry that thing around?!” exclaimed Castiel.
“Come on, lets get out of here!” Blueblood shouted over Rarity’s loud pleasured moans as he hurriedly put his hoof on Castiel's foreleg. Castiel tapped his hoof and the two disappeared in a flash of light.
…
Blueblood and Castiel emerged a few moments later in what appeared to be a bar.
“Where are we now?” asked Blueblood, looking around at these new surroundings. The bar was mostly empty. The only ponies there were a earth pony bartender with a black mustache, and a white unicorn stallion with a blue mane and tail wearing a dirty black suit sitting at the bar with his head down.
Castiel spoke. “We are at a local bar in Appleoosa. Where one of your friends is drinking his sorrows away.” He pointed over at the unicorn stallion sitting at the bar. After a few seconds, Blueblood recognized him.
“Fancy Pants!?” he exclaimed. He could hardly recognize him with all the dirt covering him.
“Yes,” said Castiel. “Doesn't look too happy, does he? Obviously, he's hit some tough times... somehow wound up out here in the desert, and has driven himself to alcoholism. If only you had been around to get him to become a successful social pony in Canterlot.”
Blueblood’s ears fell, feeling sorry for his old friend. “Ah, jeesh, poor guy.”
“I just don’t understand,” they heard Fancy Pants mutter to himself in despair.
“Oh, Fancy Pants…” Blueblood said, unable to stand the sight of his friend like this. But suddenly, Fancy Pants raised his head off the counter, and they could see he had a cell-phone up to his head.
“WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE WEAPONS HAVEN'T ARRIVED YET!” Fancy Pants yelled into the phone. “I arrived in this desert town in the middle of nowhere so I could test demonstrate our newest Jericho Missile, and I find out that, do to somepony’s screw up, THEY HAVEN’T EVEN ARRIVED YET! For Celestia’s sake, don’t they know I am the CEO of both Star and Mane Industries!”
Blueblood gaped in shock. “HE OWNS STAR AND MANE INDUSTRIES!?!” he exclaimed at Castiel, who looked just as shocked.
Fancy Pants continued his angry rant. “LOOK, I AM SITTING IN A BAR HERE, MY BEST SUIT FILTHY BECAUSE I TRIPPED AND FELL IN SOME MUD, SO AS YOU CAN IMAGINE, I AM NOT IN A VERY GOOD MOOD RIGHT NOW! Look, I don’t care what it takes, JUST GET THOSE TEST WEAPONS HERE NOW! I don’t like being someplace where savage buffalo could attack at any moment!”
With that, Fancy Pants closed his phone and put it into his suit pocket. The bartender came up to him.
“Will there be anything else for you, sir?”
Fancy Pants shook his head. “No thank you, that should be everything. But here’s an extra something for your troubles.” Fancy Pants levitated a bag a bits out of his suit and set it on the counter before walking towards the exit.
“Thank you, sir,” said the bartender as he picked up the back in his mouth and walked over to the cash register.
Blueblood glared at Castiel. “For crying out loud, he's doing a billion times better than he was when I existed! He owns two companies!”
Castiel held up his hoof to calm him down. “Okay, okay, so two ponies would be doing better if you were never around. But what about the Great and Powerful Trixie?”
Blueblood thought for a moment. “Yeah, that's a good point,” he said. “If I had never existed, then I could have never given Trixie that job as my personal magician and head magical effects for my public appearances.” Blueblood became hopeful. “Yeah, yeah, let's see how Trixie is doing!”
Castiel smiled and held out his foreleg again. Blueblood touched his sleeve and Castiel tapped his hoof and they disappeared in a flash of light again.
…
The two appeared inside the hallway of what appeared to be an apartment building. Their ears perked up as they heard the sound of foals crying from inside one of the rooms. A grin appeared on Blueblood’s face.
“Aha! Aha! You hear that?” he said, shaking his hoof towards the door the crying was coming from. “I bet Trixie is a single mom living in this crappy apartment; so that means that she could never complete her dream of becoming a world famous magician!”
Castiel smiled, happy that he had finally found a good example of how Blueblood has made a positive impact in somepony’s life.
Suddenly, the door of the apartment opened and none other than Trixie came walking out, followed, surprisingly, by Dumbbell, the Cloudsdale Jock and another one of Blueblood’s friends, who closed the door behind him.
“Dumbbell!?” said Blueblood in confusion, looking at Castiel. “What is he doing here?”
Castiel shrugged, just as equally confused.
At that moment, Trixie spoke. “Oh, sweetheart, thank you so much for looking after the twins,” she said to Dumbbell. “I know you have a busy schedule.”
Dumbbell chuckled. “Hey, as Captain of the Wonderbolts, I MAKE the schedule,” he said. “Besides, what are husbands and fathers for?”
“Husband?” exclaimed Blueblood. “Trixie and Dumbbell are MARRIED!?!”
Trixie nuzzled her head against Dumbbell’s neck affectionately, and Dumbbell nuzzled her back.
“It's just a shame that we have to stay in this apartment building,” Trixie said.
“Yeah, it was a shame the travel agency got the reservation wrong,” said Dumbbell. “I know this is nothing like our wealthy estate back in Ponyville, but I suppose it won’t kill us to spend one night here.”
Suddenly, Twilight Sparkle appeared out of nowhere in a flash of light from a teleport. Trixie and Dumbbell looked at her.
“Hey, Trixie,” said Twilight cheerfully. “Are you ready? We have to leave now if we're gonna make it to the castle on time. The Princesses said they need our help again.”
“Oh, Twilight, you're such a great friend and magic partner,” said Trixie.
“Oh, thanks, Trixie. So are you,” said Twilight. “You know, I'm just so glad we have this friendship based upon mutual respect and dignity.”
“So am I,” said Trixie. “Let’s go.”
“Good luck, girls,” said Dumbbell.
“Bye, hun,” said Trixie. And with that, the two unicorn mares’ horns glowed and in two flashes of light, they both teleported away.
Blueblood and Castiel watched Dumbbell walk back inside the apartment to get back to his and Trixie’s foals. Blueblood glared daggers at Castiel. “NEXT!” he yelled, startling Cas for a second. Blueblood touched Castiel’s sleeve and they disappeared in another flash of light.
…
They appeared in a place that Blueblood recognized immediately. It was the throne room of Canterlot castle.
“Who are we seeing now?” Blueblood groaned, clearly far from being enthusiastic now.
Castiel looked around in confusion. “That’s weird,” he said. “We’re supposed to be seeing your friend Donut Joe’s life, but we should be at a pastry shop. I don’t understand why we’re at the castl-“ Castiel stopped as they heard an angry voice behind them.
“No! No, absolutely not! No!”
Blueblood and Castiel turned around to see Donut Joe standing next to a large window. He was dressed in a fancy tuxedo, and his mane and tail were very neatly groomed. He had a cell phone levitated next to his face with his magic and he was angrily yelling into it.
“I'm through bucking around here, Saddle Arabia!” Joe continued. “Either you get rid of that snooty little Eastern Province, or I'm gonna ‘get rid’ of it for you, you understand? You see, the Equestrian ponies didn't elect me as their President to be some kind of pushover!”
Blueblood’s eyes widened in shock. “He’s the bucking PRESIDENT OF EQUESTRIA?!?!”
Standing next to him, Castiel was at a loss for words as he stared at the pony in front of him who was once a pastry chef.
Joe continued to shout into the cell phone. “What's that? Oh, you think it'd be mass murder? Well, I think it would be the greatest thing to happen to Saddle Arabia since I publicly executed the Sheikh!” Joe turned off the cell phone and put it in a pocket in his tux. He then pulled a detonator out of another pocket and pressed the button on it.
Just then, Blueblood and Castiel heard what sounded like the boom of thunder outside. They look out a window and saw a giant, rainbow colored mushroom cloud on the other side of some mountains in the distance.
They heard Joe laughing and looked back over at him. He was laughing maniacally as he was taking his cell phone out again with his magic. He pressed a button on it and held it up to his ear. “Yes, Princesses,” he said. “You can let the good ponies of Equestria know that they no longer need to fear the tyrannical rule of the once-evil empire of Saddle Arabia. I ‘took care’ of it.” He then began laughing again.
An angry Prince Blueblood looked at Castiel, who was still staring at Donut Joe with a look of disbelief on his face. “Take me home!” Blueblood demanded.
Castiel pulled himself out of his stupor and looked at Blueblood. “But Blueblood, I have a good feeling about this next one-“
“NO! NO MORE! FORGET IT! I’M DONE!” shouted Blueblood. “I can’t stand to see anymore! No pony is better with me! Everypony is better without me!”
“Oh, come on!” said Castiel. “Surly we can try just one more! Things can’t possibly be any worse than Donut Joe being President!”
Blueblood sighed. “Okay. Just one more. Who is it?”
Castiel smiled. “Gilda the griffon.”
Blueblood thought for a moment. Gilda had been a friendless delinquent when he had met her. “Okay,” he nodded. “Let’s see Gilda.”
Blueblood touched Castiel’s sleeve and the two vanished from the Canterlot Castle.
…
They reappeared in the foyer of Blueblood’s home.
“Wait, why are we back in my home?” asked Blueblood.
“I don’t know,” said Castiel, looking confused.
Suddenly, the front door opened and in walked the griffon Gilda, followed closely by Rainbow Dash and Pinkie Pie.
“So guy’s, whaddya think of my new crib?” said Gilda.
“Wow! This place is fancy!” said Pinkie.
“Yeah!” said Rainbow Dash. “I still can’t believe you’re a long lost Princess of the Griffon Empire, Gilda!”
“SHE’S THE WHAT NOW?” screamed Blueblood.
“I know, right,” said Gilda. “And I owe it all to you, Pinkie Pie. If you hadn’t solved that mystery, I would have never inherited all this fortune. You know, that’s the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me. You’re a really awesome detective.”
“Think nothing of it. It was fun solving that mystery. Besides, I’m just glad we’re all friends now,” said Pinkie, quickly leaping on Gilda and wrapping her forelegs around her. Gilda looked a little uncomfortable and tried to push the pink pony away.
“Yo, Pinkie Pie, that doesn’t mean want to hug,” the griffon said.
“Aw,” moaned Pinkie as she reluctantly let go of her new friend.
Then Gilda smiled. “But, you know, I still feel kind of bad for how I treated you guy’s before, so just think of my home as your home. You guy’s feel free to stop by anytime you like.”
“Sweet!” said Rainbow Dash.
“Woo hoo!” squealed Pinkie, hopping up and down.
Gilda turned towards the door to the dining room. “Yo, Butler! Bring me and my friends some drinks, will ya!”
A moment later, Blueblood’s butler emerged through the door, carrying a tray of three sasparillas. “Your drinks, your highness,” he said with a bow.
As the three took the drinks, Rainbow Dash said, “So, Gilda, now that you’re a namby-pamby Princess, are you gonna start living a life of sophistication and refinement?”
“Buck that!” said Gilda, and the three girls all laughed.
Blueblood turned to Castiel. “GET ME OUT OF HERE!” He slapped his hoof onto Castiel’s sleeve. Castiel tapped his hoof and the two disappeared.
…
Blueblood and Castiel reappeared back in Blueblood’s house back in reality. Blueblood started freaking out.
“My God, My God, My God, My God, My God, My God, My God, MY GOD!” Blueblood sat back on his haunches, covering his face with his hooves. He felt like crying.
Castiel placed a hoof on Blueblood’s back. “See, Blueblood,” he said, “you really were a rotten dirty bastard. All the ponies you came in contact with would have led a better life if you had never met them at all.”
Blueblood turned his head to look back at him, an annoyed look on his face. “Is this a pep talk?” he said. “Cuz let me tell you, it's not helping! Pep talks are supposed to make you feel peppy, not want to take a bath with a BUCKING TOASTER!!”
Castiel backed away from Blueblood a bit at that outburst. “Look, I'm sorry,” said Castiel, obviously frustrated. “It's just... This has never happened before! I mean, somepony always misses the pony whenever I do this! I mean, SOMEPONY! Statistically, this doesn't seem possible!”
After a few moments, an idea popped into Blueblood’s head. “What about you?” he asked.
Castiel looked up at him. “What do you mean?”
“What would your life be like if I had never been born? Maybe your life would be messed up without me!”
Castiel considered this for a moment. “You know, I never thought of that. Take a look at my life and see what it would've been without you!”
Blueblood nodded, becoming hopeful again.
“It's not a bad idea!” continued Castiel. “All right then, let's take a look and see what my life would have been like without you, Prince Blueblood!”
Blueblood touched Castiel's foreleg and the angel tapped his hoof, and then the two were transported away yet again.
…
Blueblood had to squint his eyes from the bright light when he and Castiel reappeared. As his eyes adjusted, he could see that they were in what appeared to be in an office building where everything was colored in white. There were rows and rows of cubicles as far as the eye could see, filled with ponies doing various desk work.
“Where are we?” asked Blueblood.
“We’re in heaven,” said Castiel.
“THIS is what heaven looks like!?” exclaimed Blueblood in surprise.
“Well… yes and no. You see, what heaven actually is like is just too complex for your simple little horse brain to comprehend. So this is a visual representation of heaven that you will be able to understand.”
“Oh.”
Just then, they heard this universe’s Castiel’s voice behind them. They turned around and saw that it was coming from inside an office with the door open. They walked over and looked inside. Blueblood and Castiel’s faces instantly dropped at what they saw.
The other Castiel was sitting behind a large desk in an armchair, dressed in a fancy suit and tie. He was talking to someone on a telephone.
“Yes, God,” said the Castiel sitting at the desk. “According to my calculations, we should have world peace in about three weeks!”
“Good job, Castiel, good job!” said a booming voice on the phone. “I don't know how I could have done all this without you. You're my number-one angel.”
“Oh, come on, God, I'm blushing!”
“No, I'm serious!” said God. “If anything was to ever happen to me, or if I was ever to retire, you would be first in line for the job!”
“Oh, God, you sure know how to make an angel feel important! Say hi to your Son for me!”
“I will. Take care, buddy!”
“You too!”
“Later!”
“Later!” The Castiel hung up the phone. “I LOVE that guy!” he said as he started looking over some files on his desk.
Blueblood looked at Castiel, who was staring at the alternate version of himself, his mouth hanging open. After a few seconds, Castiel brought his sleeve over against Blueblood’s foreleg and then tapped his other hoof, and the two disappeared.
…
The two emerged back in Blueblood’s foyer. Blueblood noticed Castiel was still staring off into space.
“Hey, um… you okay,” Blueblood asked him.
“I was his number-one angel,” Castiel muttered to himself. “No one's ever been his number-one angel before... but I was his number-one angel. He called me his ‘buddy’.” He turned around slowly and faced the Prince.
Blueblood was starting to feel uncomfortable now. “Heeeey! You... got a good thing going on now, don't you?” he said, trying to lighten the mood. “I mean, what, with the trench coat and the… um… Whew! Got it made.” Blueblood chuckled nervously.
Castiel suddenly got a sly smile on his face. “What did you say you were sick with again?” he asked.
“Huh? Oh, uh… something.... contagious, I'm sure,” said Blueblood, not liking the way the angel was looking at him.
Castiel nodded. “Life-threatening too, no doubt.”
Blueblood began to slowly back away from Castiel. “No, no, I'm actually feeling a lot better now.”
Castiel chuckled evilly, taking a few steps towards Prince Blueblood. “If you die, everypony will be happy.”
Suddenly, Blueblood realized something. He stopped backing up and grinned. “Wait a minute! What am I afraid of you for? You're just a namby-pamby angel without any wings! What are you gonna do to ME?”
Castiel brought his hoof up and slammed it into Blueblood’s lower jaw, sending the Prince flying backwards into a wall and down onto the floor. Blueblood held his jaw in agony as he looked up at Castiel, who was walking towards him. Blueblood quickly wobbled to his hooves.
“Alright, Gabriel! YOUR flank is going DOWN!” Blueblood shouted. He began to pump magic into his horn to cast a spell.
Before Blueblood had a chance to use any magic, however, Castiel brought his hoof up and punched Blueblood again, knocking him into a lamp table, which shattered on the floor under his wight.
Castiel grabbed Blueblood by his fancy neck collar and began punching him repeatedly in the face. He then picked up Blueblood by the collar and tossed him into a set of shelves against the wall. Blueblood fell to the floor, and books and items from the shelves clattered onto him and around him. Blueblood groaned in pain and lifted his head to look up at Castiel, struggling to get to his hooves.
Castiel grinned down at the pathetic pony on the floor in front of him. “You die, I get heavenly bliss. I’d say that’s a fair trade.”
Blueblood figured he was probably about to die, but then, out of the corner of his eye, he spotted his antique sword and shield, with the old Unicorn Kingdom’s symbol on them, hanging on the nearby wall. He quickly pumped magic into his horn and magically pulled the sword off of the wall, levitating it over in front of him. He pointed it at Castiel.
“Stay back!” Blueblood threatened.
Castiel laughed. “You honestly think something like THAT is gonna work against ME? NOTHING can kill an angel, you fool!”
“Well, I can try,” said Blueblood defiantly.
Castiel rolled his eyes. “Hmph! Go ahead. Stab me.”
Blueblood swung the sword and, in one swift slash, sliced the angel pony’s head clean off. Castiel’s decapitated body collapsed onto the floor.
The angel’s head went rolling across the floor, until it came to a stop next to Blueblood’s head. Much to Blueblood’s horror and disgust, the severed head began speaking. “Huh. Apparently decapitation can kill an angel.” And with that, the head died.
Blueblood let out a yelp of surprise as the body and the head both burst into blue flames and then vanished, leaving absolutely no sign that they had ever been there.
Blueblood let the sword fall to the floor, taking a few deep breaths of relief, and then struggled up onto his hooves. After a few moments, he hung his head and sighed.
“My God,” Blueblood said softly to himself. “I never realized just how many lives I've made miserable.” After a few seconds of allowing this to sink in, he suddenly looked up as he realized something. “But there is one life that I can safely say that I did make better... MINE! HAPPY HEARTH’S WARMING EVE, EVERY PONY!”
Blueblood smiled happily and then hurriedly left the foyer and trotted upstairs to his bedroom. Once there, he levitated his cell phone off of his desk over to him and began to call all of his friends.
He held the phone up to his head. “HAPPY HEARTH’S WARMING EVE, you fashion reviewing bucktard!”
“Blow me!” said Hoity Toity.
“HAPPY HEARTH’S WARMING EVE, you boastful, self-righteous showpony, you!”
“Oh, go to hell,” said Trixie.
“HAPPY HEARTH’S WARMING EVE, you haircut-needing over obnoxious pegusus jock!”
“Blow it out your ass,” said Dumbbell.
“HAPPY HEARTH’S WARMING EVE, you pasty, monocle-wearing flank-magnet, you!”
“…I am a gentlcolt, so I will refrain from saying what I think of you,” said Fancy Pants.
“HAPPY HEARTH’S WARMING EVE, you over-excitable donut-loving tater-tot!”
“Oh, I am so working on an exploding donut with your name on it,” said Donut Joe.
“HAPPY HEARTH’S WARMING EVE, you bird/cat, violence loving bully, you!”
“Bite me!” said Gilda.
Blueblood hung up his phone with a big smile and walked over to his bedroom window. He threw it open with his front hooves and shouted out to all of Equestria, “HAPPY HEARTH’S WARMING EVE!! HAPPY HEARTH’S WARMING EVE!! HAPPY HEARTH’S WARMING EVE TO ALL!!!”
And he made everypony miserable ever after.
THE END
