Close Encounters of the Absurd Kind

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Applejack cantered through Ponyville with the last rays of the evening sun bathing her orange coat in pale stripes between the long shadows cast by the houses lining the town square. Sure, there was no rush to get to Twilight's library, but having spent the whole day stuck in the barn repairing old apple barrels, her impatient energy had found an outlet in her legs and the long, smooth strides felt wonderfully refreshing.

She showed to a trot when she spotted Rainbow Dash chatting with Golden Harvest in front of the library. “Howdy, R.D! Hey, Carrot Top!”

The flame-haired Earth pony grinned back at her, “Hi, Appletini, where's the fire?”

Applejack couldn't stifle a laugh as she looked pointedly at Golden Harvest's head, “Y'know, you gotta stop hoofing me those straight lines, sugar cube!”

Golden Harvest rolled her eyes, “You are such a pain in the flank, Apple! I guess I walked into that one.”

The two farmers had become good friends almost immediately at school – and settled into a pattern of jokey rivalry which had persisted ever since, trading good-natured insults whenever they met. Some ponies who didn't know them all that well thought it was genuine, which always made them both laugh. That said, Applejack had nearly strangled Rarity when she let slip with the 'Appletini' crack in Goldie's hearing. If there was one thing that pony didn't need, it was more ammunition.

“I guess you're here to see Twilight, huh?” Golden Harvest continued, and sighed theatrically at Rainbow and Applejack's combined nods. “The Catastrophic Combo reforms! Do try not to destroy the entire village this time.”

With that, she sauntered jauntily off, waving at their farewells. Behind them, the door opened to reveal Spike, Twilight's dragon assistant.

“Oh, hey. You're early.”

“Hey Spike! What's going on, where's Twilight? She said something about a secret in her letter,” said Rainbow.

The little dragon rolled his eyes, “She wants you guys to follow me, and no, Rainbow, I'm not allowed to say – it's supposed to be a surprise. Now, as soon as Pinkie gets here-”

“Did somepony say, 'A surprise'?!” came a perky voice, making them all jump as Pinkie Pie swung into view, hanging upside down from one of the branches overhead. “'Cos I just love surprises!”

“Yeah, we can tell,” muttered Rainbow sarcastically. “Like when you scare the hay out of ponies by doing things like that.”

Pinkie actually looked a little hurt, “This? This is nothing compared to that time with you, half a gallon of custard, and-”

“And-moving-right-along,” Spike interrupted hurriedly, “We're supposed to collect Fluttershy and Rarity at the Carousel Boutique, and seeing as you're all here now, we should probably get started.”

“Oh yeah? Well what about-” Rainbow Dash started to fire back, but Applejack ignored them and leaned closer to Spike.

“You'd better get going before these two get completely out of hoof,” she said, with a wink. She and Spike set off through the village, while behind them Pinkie did a neat somersault back-flip onto her hooves and followed, arguing happily with Rainbow the whole way.

“It's something to do with that funny-looking house-thing on the hill over east o' Ponyville, ain't it?”, said Applejack as they tramped over the bridge.

She had seen the new building grow rapidly over the last week or so, from a skeleton of beams to completion, surrounded by a busy crowd of construction workers from out of town. She'd moseyed on up there a couple of days ago, but the foremare had just grinned at her enquiries and said, “Can't say, I'm afraid. You'll find out soon enough.” Maybe 'soon enough' will be 'now'.

“Well... yeah, but that's all I can say,” Spike admitted reluctantly. “Sorry.”

“Aw, shoot, don't worry 'bout it none, Spike. I think it's just dandy that she's trying to have a little fun for once.”

Uncharacteristically, Rarity was ready and waiting for them, lounging languidly on the balcony of the Boutique in a travelling cloak and matching shawl of deepest purple, while Fluttershy peeked demurely out from behind her and mumbled a greeting. Applejack had to give Spike a discreet nudge to kick his brain back into gear and back to the task at hoof.

“Uh, follow me,” he said in a rather strangled voice, dragging his eyes away from the beautiful white Unicorn.

He led them away from the small town and past the large rocky outcrop before climbing the long slope up to the strange-looking structure on the hill's crest. It was a circular, single-storey building of white-painted slats, but above it the roof arched in a smooth dome nearly as high again with two ridges running across the middle of it rather like train tracks

“Well, here we are. She did say not before eight, so... I dunno, maybe we ought to wait a bit?” said Spike, squinting against the setting sun to see the Ponyville clock-tower.

“Ooh! A giant mushroom! Did Twilight use magic to make it grow?” Pinkie asked in a tone of wonder.

Rainbow snorted with laughter, but before she could say anything, they heard a familiar voice echoing from inside, laced with tense anticipation, “Quick, before the others get here. We don't have much time.”

“You know, you could almost get the wrong idea from that,” Rainbow snickered.

“Oh, Rainbow, really!” said Rarity disapprovingly, “Like Twilight would-”

“I can't wait any longer,” came Twilight's happy squeal, “It's magnificent! I didn't realise it was so big!”

“Yup.” drawled a deep, masculine voice.

Applejack felt her jaw slowly unhinge. That sounded... that...! My brother. My brother... and Twilight?

=====// \=====

“Uh... Rarity? Please tell me I didn't hear what I, um...?”

Spike's face was a picture of utter horror, and Rarity glanced to the other side to see Applejack in the same state, practically catatonic. Oh, great Celestia, how unspeakably awkward! Meanwhile, Rainbow Dash had practically swallowed her forehoof to stifle her laughter.

“Now Spike, uh, well, I think it might be time that we-” she stuttered, but behind her she could hear the oblivious pair continue,

“Oh, hurry Mac, we've got to get this thing in right away!”

There was a loud, masculine grunt from behind the door, making Rarity wince, before she heard a thump from beside her. She looked over to see that Spike's mind had taken the only possible protective option available – he'd fainted.

Unable to contain herself any longer, Rainbow Dash launched herself high into the air in a parabolic arc to collapse onto a tiny nearby cloud, holding her sides and beating her hooves as her howls of hysterical laughter echoed distantly down to ground level. Rarity caught a glimpse of her friend's face past the edge of the cloud, and it was a strange puce colour. Just what I need – she'll make herself faint, too, at that rate.

“Careful, gently now,” Twilight moaned, to the accompaniment of several snorts and much heavy panting. “No, not there! Lower it down a bit... that's better!”

Oh, good gracious...!

“Er, yes, I think we should make a short tactical retreat,” said Rarity awkwardly, “Now, Fluttershy, if you can help me with... Fluttershy?”

She looked around only to see the timid yellow Pegasus fleeing back towards Ponyville.

=====// \=====

Fluttershy listened with growing disbelief to the scenes behind the locked door before tears abruptly burned the back of her eyes and she turned away, feeling hollow and sick. She couldn't bring herself to blame Big Macintosh – well, maybe just a little. It was just that he was so handsome and gentle – she flinched at a particularly hefty grunt, like Ace the tennis pony on a first serve, At least, I always thought he was gentle – and he'd long since stolen her heart, but she had trouble finding the courage to talk to him about more than just everyday stuff, for all that he came by her cottage regularly.

Twilight, on the other hoof? Twilight was a big, heartless meanie who deserved to have something really awkward happen to her sometime it was quite inconvenient! She couldn't believe that she'd sat there in the library and told her supposed best friend all about this a few weeks ago over tea – and Twilight had encouraged her! She'd told her she had a chance! She'd even made suggestions! Had Twilight really been betraying her the whole time?

A quiet, shaking sob escaped her lips and she turned and hurried away for her little cottage, her nose almost dragging in the sweet-smelling grass.

=====// \=====

Oh, this is ridiculous! I can handle dear little Spike, but I need somepony to help with poor Applejack, and Rainbow is no use whatsoever, Rarity thought sourly, as the Pegasus' ongoing hysterics drifting down from above. Inside, she could hear some really quite disturbing straining noises, followed by a growl of frustration from Twilight.

“Maybe I should have used more lubrication? Come on, Mac, push harder!”

There was a loud thump to Rarity's left, and she looked over with resignation to see that Applejack's mind had taken the only possible protective option available – she'd fainted.

“Oh, you have got to be kidding me!” she muttered in despair.

Beside her, Pinkie was examining the comatose Earth pony with great interest. “I guess this means that Twilight and Macky are together now, huh? Like, together, together?”

“That would be one way of putting it,” Rarity said weakly, shuddering at some short, high-pitched female snorting.

“And isn't that incredibly fantastic?!” Pinkie cheered, bounding upright, “They're, like the two most awesomely-awkward ponies in Ponyville! Ooh, I know, I gotta throw them a party! A Congratulations-on-Finding-Somepony-Equally-Incredibly-Awesomely-Awkward Party! I can't believe this, I am so behind! Sorry, Rarity, I gotta go and get started.”

“I'm really not-” Rarity started, but the party pony was already bolting for Ponyville and Sugar Cube Corner. “-Sure that's such a brilliant idea,” she finished to herself.

“Yes! Yes! That's it! Don't stop now, keep it up! Keep going!”

Rarity was absolutely mortified. Not that she was against the idea of her bookish friend finding somepony special – very special, by the sounds of things – but why did she have to be a screamer?

“Harder! Harder! That's it, a little more!”

And just what was she thinking by... getting it on... when her friends were coming over, for pony's sake?! Had hormones really gotten to obsessively-organised Twilight like everypony else?

“Yes! Yes, yes, yes! Oh, thank you, Mac! You were incredible!” came a loud whinny of triumph.

Oh, thank Celestia for that! Now, if I wait a decent amount of time, perhaps I can pretend that I've just arrived and none of this has ever happened? Looking around, she eyed the insensate figures of several of her friends strewn across the path. Or on the other hoof, perhaps not.

Shrugging, she walked determinedly up to the door and raised a hoof to knock.

“Who is it?” Twilight sang out, sounding breathless and rather flustered. As well she might!

“It's Rarity, darling!” The I've-just-got-here lie died on her lips. “Have I come at a bad time?” she asked, before her mind caught up with her mouth. Oh, for pony's sake, I did not say that! At least Twilight won't-

There was a breathless giggle, “No, but Big Macintosh might think that he did-”

Rarity felt her jaw sag open, and her mind took the only possible protective option available.

She fainted.

=====// \=====

Swooping towards the white-painted building, Princess Luna, Goddess of the Moon and co-ruler of Equestria, flared her wings and touched down on the little path just as the white Unicorn crumpled bonelessly to the ground. There was an orange Earth pony lying beside her, and Twilight Sparkle's dragon assistant was similarly unconscious on her other side.

Most curious.

From within, she could hear the cheerful voice of her sister's protégé approaching, accompanied by a second set of hooves.

“-For him, anyway! But if he hadn't been passing the library when I left, I would never have got all this done on time. After all, I could only lift so much, and then we had to manoeuvre it quite delicately at the same time to get it into the cradle.”

The door opened to reveal Twilight Sparkle and a huge, blond-maned red stallion who immediately fell into a deep bow. Twilight, characteristically, did no such thing, but instead reached out and gave her a hug.

“Princess Luna! You made it!” she exclaimed excitedly, before she caught sight of her unconscious friends scattered across the landscape and her face fell. “Uh... what the hay happened to them?”

“We have not the faintest idea – we have just arrived. Please, you may rise,” she said to the stallion, before continuing with a smile, “But anyway, how could We miss the commissioning of the Ponyville Royal Observatory? Thou didst receive our telescope?”

“Just this afternoon,” Twilight confirmed happily, “There was a whole team of mailponies to deliver it from the train station, but I really needed some more muscle-power putting it in and luckily Big Macintosh offered to lend a hoof. Thanks, Mac, I couldn't possibly have done it without you.”

The big stallion smiled gently at her, “T'aint no thang, Twilight. Y'all take care now.” He nodded cautiously at Luna, “Your Highness.”

He took a couple of paces and then stopped dead, eyeing his sister's slumped form. After a moment he shrugged and hoisted her onto his back, his steady hoofbeats just a little heavier as he set off on his unhurried way back to Sweet Apple Acres.

Twilight looked at Luna and opened her mouth to speak, but the Princess anticipated her words and a soft blue glow surrounded their fallen companions, levitating them gently inside. As they followed the unconscious bodies, Twilight said, “So, I understand why you wanted the Observatory built here rather than Canterlot, with the clearer air and everything, but it was quite a project to manage and complete on time. It's going to be a huge leap forward in the study of the stars! Ponies will come from all over Equestria, just for a chance to work here!”

Luna coughed uncomfortably, her previous slightly haughty manner gone,“There is also the matter of the greatly-reduced ambient light from the village, but in truth I had an ulterior motive for the building of the Observatory. I wished to study something rather closer than the stars, but this was the best way to ensure that Celestia would fund it.”

Twilight frowned, puzzled, “Something closer than the... ah! Of course, the moon!”

“My old place of exile,” Luna agreed, “There were.. certain things that I was forced to leave behind when I was returned to Equestria.”

“Oh, wow! I didn't think... I guess you must have done something to keep you busy for a thousand years. I didn't really think about it, to be honest.”

If it wasn't for the gloom inside the unlit Observatory, Twilight would have sworn that her Princess was blushing furiously.

“Yes, but it is not... not that which I seek.”

“Then...?”

“Mr. Snuggles!” Luna wailed, “My nights simply haven't been the same without him!”

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