The Club Wars

by acemanaustin00

Rating: teen
Tags: Comedy
Length: 3123

Octavia and Vinyl Scratch: best friends. That is until you put them in competition.

Octavia has recently started a "club" where ponies with refined tastes can listen to a small amount of classical music, and have plenty of fancy cakes and other fancy foods. Vinyl has also recently started a club. This is where all of the "cool" ponies hangout, take shots and listen to dubstep. The two friends get in a heated business war, causing their friendship to cease and all out club war can begin. Who will get the most customers? Who will close their club? When will I stop asking you these questions? Find out.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-08-26 04:00:03 UTC

How "The Club Wars" came to be

"It all started when SHE came around.  And by she, I mean Sister Kenny, famous for her methods to help achieve an accelerated recovery from the disease known as 'Pony Polio'.  Why does this matter?  Because, Sister was both a fan of fancy cakes and classical music, and multiple shots of scotch every four hours and dubstep.  This was the beginning of the nightmare that was known as 'The Club Wars'.

"Ms. Sparkle?"  A student raised her hand in the back of the room.

"Yes?"

"Is this story going to be boring?"

"Well, let's hope you don't find it boring,"  Twilight began.  "Or else I'll have to call in The Cleaner!"

All was silent after that.

Anyway, let's let the real narrator take this one from now on.  Vinyl was heading out to buy some recording equipment for studio back in Ponyville.  She had left her son, Ace, at home.  What a responsible parent she was.  She was always out on some kind of concert, playing for millions of screaming and hooting ponies, the vast majority very, VERY drunk.  But, not today.  She was just out getting things that would help her get more concerts and more time away from her son.

Like I said, best parent ever.

Octavia didn't need records, she just needed her cello and some sheet music.  For some reason, Octavia and Vinyl were always in a sort of competition to see who could reel in the most customers for their recorded music, concerts, merchandise, and who in general was a fan of the one musician or the one DJ.  The DJ was commonly the winner in weekly profits, if you're wondering.

But one night, Octavia and Vinyl were both in the marketplace at the same time.  Octavia invited Vinyl over for "A little get together."  In other words, she wanted to talk to Vinyl about a bet on who would make the most profit out of the clubs they were both building.  Vinyl accepted the invitation, and took the liberty of buying some alcohol for herself.

About four hours and 9 beers later.

"Hey, hey, hey, hey."  Vinyl was just about a drunk as you would expect a party animal to be on a regular basis.

"What do you require?"  Octavia never really drank beer, she was never a fan of ending up either above a toilet bowl, or next to a colt in bed.

"I bet, that I..."  Vinyl hiccuped.  "could get more people in my club in one day than you can in five."

"Well, I see the alcohol has finally affected your brain."  Octavia continued sipping one her tea.

Vinyl then promptly passed out onto Octavia's lap, little bits of slobber dripping on the floor.

"Oh that's fantastic,"  Octavia said.  "I don't think I've ever seen a pony in such an alcohol coma."

Octavia pushed Vinyl off of her leg and walked off to her music room, hoping she would be able to think while Vinyl was conked out.  Octavia produced a symphony for the ages that night.  She called it "As the wings flutter."  It sounded like an array of butterflies that had somehow found a way to fly using a jet engine with an afterburner that some nerd that had a watch on his fore-hoof that had the time set to "nine-teen zero four thirty-eight."  Wow, that was out of the blue...

The next morning Vinyl woke up hearing Octavia's new symphony and slowly got up and started recording it with a tape recorder. You know, to make it into some form of dubstep?  Next thing you know, Octavia pushes the door open and starts off to a sunny park.  Why?  Don't ask me, I only write the adventures, I have no control over them.

Vinyl had smiled at what she had recorded, despite the fact of it only being about ten seconds long.  One thing everypony said about Vinyl was that she could make music out of a ding of an oven, this was true.  That was one of her first songs.  Vinyl went to her home and sat down in her remix room.  Luckily, she had a cup of coffee mixed with a little bit of, well caffeine, coke, and a little bit of baby oil.  Again, don't ask me.

Vinyl remixed the ten-second classical burst into a complex set of beeps and many other artificial sounding notes and tones.  Vinyl put her song on her personal radio station, 92.2, The Lock.  Everyone in Equestria seemed to hear the songs both classical moments and the dubstep moments within the song.  Octavia realized that the remix was of her song.  Long story short, Octavia got angry, Vinyl told her she would take it off the air if Octavia got more patrons in their respective clubs in a month.  Octavia agreed to the deal.

That's how "The Club Wars" began.

Octavia Pt. 1

Octavia was smiling the entire way back to her small beige cottage, knowing she'd gotten something crucial to the plan of beating Vinyl's simple club into the pulp she thought it should've been.  She'd bought....... multiple pieces of small cheesecakes.  The ultimate plan!  She'd run Vinyl out of her little charade that she called a club by promising both small fancy cakes and a dinner show.  How perfect!

Except for, Vinyl had liquor.  And Octavia knew that everypony that loved music most of the time loved liquor.  She looked up at the blue sky and muttered a slight curse, then proceeded back to her little piece of heaven.  Think, Tavia, think!  Octavia was constantly in thought, waiting for something to come to her.  But, it normally took her about..... 2 days, 9 hours, 11 minutes and four shots of a highly caffeinated beverage.  But today, she'd thought of something that would help her think: Albert Breach.

Vinyl pulled out her transporter and set the destination to The Moon, 2077.  With a quick flip of the switch of the strange, circular device, she was crossing the time plane, and, well, breaking all general laws of physics.  Octavia landed in mid-space on the moon, not questioning why she could breathe and why gravity was normal.  Al had probably built some sort of bio-dome surrounding his home.

"Boy, you better get off my property!"  Al stormed out of his house with Burp Gun in hand.

Octavia sighed.  "Do we really have to do this every time, Al?"

"Yes, and we shall lick the cupcakes twice as hard."

I also forgot to mention that Mr. Breach was a little....... crazier than Loose Screws on multiple doses of weed, crack, and possibly some form of rocket fuel.  Then again, if she actually did all of those things, that would explain a lot about her.

"I need your help."  Octavia found herself in the uncomfortable position of asking someone that belonged in the nuthouse.

"Well, let me ask Cuddles and Steve really fast."  Al was human, which is important that you know...... probably should've explained this earlier.

Octavia started to get impatient, and it'd only been 5 minutes.  She started tapping her hoof, then nodding her head, then she just randomly started dancing.  Because why not?

"Tavia, what the hell are you doing?"  Al was staring, eyes wide in confusion.

Octavia blushed and readjusted herself.  "I was..... practicing dancing for Steve."

"Would you like her to dance for you Steve?"  Steve was a giant roach, no, I'm serious.  He also had Cuddles, a giant dragon creature, and Jerry, a zombie.

Steve gave a little flutter of his wings.

"Stop showing her your ass!"  Al shouted at the top of his lungs.

"I believe all he was doing was confirming he enjoyed my dance."  Octavia rolled her eyes at Al.

Steve gave another flutter of his wings.

"Tavia saved you, Steve, but if you do that again I swear..."  Al scolded.

Then Steve did something unexpected.  He started attacking Al.  As if he were saying, "You know what?  You wanna be a jerk, your gonna get attacked."  Steve must've been taking lessons from Vinyl, they both used bottles that used to hold alcohol in them.  How can a roach hold a beer bottle?  Why don't you ask him?

Al ended up passing out from shock when Steve attacked him.  Steve tossed Octavia a vodka bottle as if he wanted her to take it to someone.

"Um, sure Steve."  Octavia wasn't about to question Steve after the current events.

Octavia flipped the switch on her transporter and landed back into her cozy home, fireplace on and everything.  Then, out of nowhere, Pinkie kicked in the door and took the vodka from Octavia.  Pinkie started chugging the vodka, for a few seconds, and then a few more seconds.

"That's impossible...."  Octavia was staring, obviously surprised at this ponies ability to drink alcohol.

Pinkie kept chugging until there was nothing left.  Then Octavia slowly backed away from Pinkie, waiting for her to either explode, or vomit everywhere.  Instead, Pinkie just politely asked if Octavia had anything else to drink.  Octavia said no and Pinkie was on her merry little way, not even showing the negative effects of drinking that much alcohol.

Octavia recovered her composure and returned to her thinking room, pondering a way to defeat Vinyl in this competition.

"Well, I could make it more lively by making more chaos,"  Octavia reasoned.  "But chaos is really reserved for three people: Al, Vinyl and the early Discord."

Ace suddenly kicked the door to Tavia's work area and dropped off a large package.

"You know what?  I am sick and tired of that polite goody-goody in my *expletive* room!"  Ace ranted.  "That *expletive* is your problem now."

Octavia was rather confused over two things.  One:  Why did Ace flip his crap like that?  Two:  Why were there censors over some of his harsher words?  Answer to number one:  The nicer Discord.  Answer to number two:  You live in a world were ponies roam around and teach morals to others.  I have to make this some-what tame.

The new Discord popped out of his encasing, stretching out his limbs and making Octavia's ideas spark to life.  The very sight of what was supposed to be the spirit of chaos had somehow sparked inspiration inside of her mind.  Octavia herself never thought herself to be the most creative pony out there, but she knew she was one of them who had the best grasp of reality when making her controlled and whimsical artworks.  Suddenly, the recent relocation of rights of her recent melody didn't seem so major.

Vinyl Pt.1

"What the buck happened last night?"  Vinyl woke up, her whole world spinning.  "You'd think after so many times drinking, I'd be used to the feeling of headaches and dizziness."

Vinyl had started hearing Octavia's melody coming from behind her.  She grinned at silently made her way next to the door to what she knew as "The Think Tank".  She took out a pocket recorder, and started recording the sound of the cello through the door.  But, just as soon as Vinyl's recording had started it had ended.  With a door to the face.

"Damn."  Vinyl said, shaking her head side to side to remove the dizziness of the blow.

Vinyl looked at the tape recorder and once again grinned.  She could mix this with a few oven noises, her sons guitar and a little bit of an explosion from a sonic rainboom.  She sprinted back to her cottage, where she was certain her son would be there to greet her.  Vinyl opened the door to find her son jumping up and down, drinking all of the liquor in the kitchen.

"Ace!  You should know better!"  Vinyl started.  "You know that you shouldn't be drinking stuff that's for my patrons!"

"Oh, and your not worried how underage drinking will effect me in the future?"

"I just need the money we get from the liquor we sell."  Vinyl completely ignored Ace's previous statement.

Fast forward a little bit and we get to where Vinyl starts her club up.

"Hey, everypony!"  Vinyl shouted over the crowd.  "You having a good time?"

The room was filled with a seemingly unending amount of cheers.

"Alright!"  Vinyl had popped on another record for the crowd to enjoy.

Octavia lived right across from Vinyl's home and club.  She started wondering of Octavia could hear the music.

"HEY!"  Ace yelled over the music.  "SHUT THE HELL UP!"

Vinyl turned down the music.  Ace was scary when he was pissed off.  The rest of the club got the vibe and quieted down out of fear that some dragon was coming to bite there heads off.  They were drunk, so what did you expect?  No matter how many people were in that club, there was always one in the corner on his laptop, trying to find some kind of story to read or some crap.

Then he found a story that literally burned his eyes to the point of where he felt like lasers were puncturing them.

"OH SWEET CELESTIA!"  The nerd shouted.  "THAT IS SO HORR-  OH CELESTIA WHY?"

Little did he know, he was reading the rough draft of this history book.  Funny how rough drafts can be so different from the official product, isn't it?  Anyway, Vinyl probably would've gotten a noise complaint.... that is if there were any form of police officers in Equestria besides the royal guard.  I mean, there were lawyers for special trials, but otherwise there was no real branch of law in Equestria.  The ponies that were jerks, such as Trixie, were the persecutors and defense attorneys were people like Octavia and Twilight Sparkle.  Wait, what was I talking about again?  Oh right, the club.

Vinyl assured that the piece of literature was simply a fiction story that used similar characters, storyline, and writing for each and every situation.

Wait, so Vinyl was reading a story that told the future?  But, I'm just writing the thing now.  My brain hurts.

"Yo, Vinyl!"  Roid Rage shouted from behind her.  "Drinks on me!"

"Nice!"  Vinyl started to run over to the bar.

All of a sudden, after Vinyl took a shot of some whiskey, she felt abnormally light-headed and her memory was fading fast.  That was no ordinary whiskey, that was probably drugged or some shit.  Vinyl thought.  Just before she could ask for some fixer, she passed out.  Probably leaving multiple stallions fighting for who got to take her home and have a wonderful time....... having a wonderful salad together.  I don't know where your mind was going.

When she woke up, Ace was holding smelling salts above her snout, damn near shoving the thing up her nose.  Vinyl sat up in shock after her nose had been assaulted by that strong scent.

"Well, I was close to just giving up and letting you lay there for awhile, but that really wouldn't be me."

"Well, considering it was that kid that constantly plays video games that drugged me.... I think."

"No, that was Roid Rage, Hitech drew your picture though."

Vinyl looked at Ace and said.  "Well, I always knew he had a thing for me."

"You don't even know him, do you?"

"Not at all, but it's always cool getting to know new people."

Ace shook his head and calmly walked back up to his room and started playing his guitar.  Vinyl was still groggy from the events of last night..... Who knows, maybe someone stole all of her records.

Octavia Pt.2

"And how would this help you and your club?"  Discord asked as he was posing for a sculptor.

"People with class like to see artwork,"  Octavia explained.  "Whether abstract or something within the grasp of our own reality."

"I suppose I can see people enjoying abstract pieces, such as something that everyone needs to see to say that their life is complete."  Discord said, a grin on his face.

"You used to consider chaos art,"  Octavia pointed out.  "Chaos can create certain images that really trigger emotions in most ponies."

"But in a world like this, where harmony and peace is a constant must, there is no room for chaos, thus no room for me to exist."

Octavia pondered this simple thought and stared at Discord.  She realized that just because he was chaotic in a world where harmony was the only thing that had a right to exist, she had something that would make the club unique.  Vinyl had chaos, but Octavia had controlled chaos.  While Octavia used Discord's chaotic, mixed up body, to her advantage.  But the point he had brought up was valid.  He was the very spirit of chaos and disorder, two things Octavia never knew how to control because she never encountered it.

"Are you quite done staring at me now?"  Discord said, slightly scooting away.

"Yes, you are free to go now, Discord."

Discord got up and left Octavia's cottage.  Octavia put the sculpture of Discord on display in the middle of her club.

"This club's in business."  Octavia whispered proudly.

Vinyl Pt.2

Vinyl stared across the street to see every single one of Octavia's "refined" ponies were doing in her club.  What she mostly saw was the ponies admiring the piece of artwork smack-dab in the middle of the grand dining hall.  Then she looked back at her "party hall", AKA the living room, and saw nothing but beer bottles and about two ounces of whiskey right next to her DJ booth.

"What do those ponies see in refinement anyway?"

"Well maybe they don't wanna feel like there in a place where someone could easily drug you."  Ace offered.

"No one seemed to have a problem with that before."  Vinyl said.

"That's because you gave them scotch on their way in the club."  Ace snapped back.

Vinyl just ignored Ace and stared out back out the window.

"Why are you still here, anyway?"  Vinyl asked.

"Because I'm just sarcastic remarks and a sneer."

"That's not really a reason to stay here, as much as it is a reason to torture me."

"There's a difference?"  Ace snickered.

Vinyl again ignored him and looked at the few passers by that weren't heading into Octavia's club.  She saw many ponies, but one gave her an idea.  That pony, was Pinkie Pie.  Vinyl sprinted outside to see the pink equine.

"Hey, Pinkie!"  Vinyl shouted.

"Oh hi there Vinyl!"  Pinkie said in her normal excited fashion.

"How would you like to plan a big party every Friday?"  Vinyl panted.

Pinkie just stared at her for a few moments, and then said;  "This is just to beat Octavia in a side bet you had, isn't it?"

Ace was then heard in the background, yelling  "CHEATER!"

"Yeah, but it'll be fun to have parties everyday, won't it?"  Vinyl reasoned.

Pinkie thought about it for a second and said "Yeah, it will."

Vinyl then sprinted down the street screaming "Yes!" at the top of her lungs.

Pinkie started her work by advertising there was going to be a big party at Vinyl's place and told everyone to be there. Now the words "Big" and "Party" put together with Pinkie Pie standards meant that they were probably going to have such a stupid good party that your face would blow through the back of your head as soon as you walked in.  But be warned children, expectations can overshadow the whole thing for you and when you find ou- oh who am I kidding?  The party was a massive success and Vinyl drew in the biggest crowd she could've possibly had.

But Octavia was not ready to admit defeat and she too looked for someone to boost her clubs attendance.  Who will she recruit next?  Found out next time on; "The Club Wars"