Chapters I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are All Rule 63'd
I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are All Rule 63'd
Chapter 2: I am He and She is Me
Dusk and Twilight were returning to Ponyville. Twilight's Ponyville. Now that they had learned Spell 63, their respective teachers had decided that the purple unicorns should be the ones that introduced the residents Ponyville to their gender-reversed counterparts. They hadn't said why, but the raised the Sun... well, the Suns . Nopony cared why they wanted anything done, so long as it got done.
***
"Well, girls, that's basically it. Any questions?" asked Twilight, as the other Mane 6 (and one member of the Male 6) stared at her with half-glazed eyes.
"Uh, girls? Dusk? Wow, I actually just bored myself . I'm so proud of the me that bored the stallion-me. In fact, I think I'll squee."
At this, Pinkie dove into action, as nopony could squee over boredom. Not on the watch of Pinkamena Diane Pie III. NOPONY. She punched Twilight in the... what? I'm not allowed to make Pinkie hurt anything without going full-on Cupcakes ? ("Cupcakes" here referring to the play written by her sister Inkie Pie, the famed Manetreal playwright, about Pinkie's foalhood idea that cupcakes might be able to feel pain) Drat. Okay, Pinkie decided to throw a "Welcome-To-Our-Universe-and-Good-Luck-With-Introducing-Everypony-To-Themselves" party. It kinda sucked. Anyhoof, the following day Twilight and Dusk decided that they begin their long, tedious task by introducing their respective #1 Assistants.
***
Spike was busy reshelving the Fiction Section, when he heard a call from the above floor.
"Spiiike! Could you come here, my little indentured servant?"
Twilight. Great. I have actual work to do this week, but does she care? No! I have some quality Rarity-slaving-for time scheduled today, and she knows that! "I'm coming, Twilight!" Now for the greatest enemy of all non-winged quadrupeds ... stairs.
When Spike had finished ascending the devil's creation, he saw Twilight and Dusk awaiting him. Wait, had Dusk been up there all night?
"Uh, Dusk, I don't see another bed, so... where'd you sleep last night?" asked the befuddled infant dragon.
"You uh, you don't want to know," said Dusk, whilst looking downward and blushing. "Anyhoof," he said, raising his head with a grin, "Let's get you two acquainted!"
As he said this both his and Twilight's horns began to glow, and a swirly blue vortex opened. Out of said vortex came a small, purple-and-green (female) baby dragoness. Already up-to-speed on the situation (everypony in Dusk's Ponyville was), Spines walked over to her doppleganger (it's all relative, baby).
"So... you're me?" asked Spines, "No offense, but I can't wait to meet the female Elusive."
"Elusive?"
"Oh, right. You don't know his name... but you definitely know hers ."
Spike, realizing what she was getting at, gasped.
"Oh, you mean Rarity! " he exclaimed.
Seeing that this was getting awkward (and that they'd already completed their observations of this encounter), the lavender unicorns decided it best that they intervene in the conversation.
"Uh, Spines, Spike, we're going to need you two to write down our notes on the other ponies' interactions with themselves," Dusk said, "By the way, that was a strange sentence. I mean, I have, and will probably will still use(d) many stranger ones this week, and-- TWILIGHT, THAT'S NOT FUNNY!" Twilight stopped snoring, and laughed.
"Turnabout is fair play, my good self. Uh, wait, I should find some kind of common noun to refer to you as, so that I'm not constantly saying your name," pondered Twilight. "What do you think, Dusk?"
"Well, how about considering me some form of twin, as we are essentially twins (if you want to think about it in such terms)?" asked the studious stallion.
"OOH, I like that idea. Come along then, my metaphorical twin, let us screw with reality!"
As she completed her exclamatory sentence, she ran (uh, tumbled) down the stairs of the library, then into the street. Dusk facehoofed, Spike sighed, and Spines gasped, as they all went into the street to see if she was okay.
Author's Note
Hello! I'd like to point out that this is the unedited, unrevised, base version of this story so far. I'd also like to ask that you comment the name of the character that you want the next Chapter to be about. Thanks.
I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are All Rule 63'd
I am He as you are She as You are Me and We are all Rule 63'd
Ch. 3: Mane Six
Twilight was down for the count. Okay, not really. She was relatively fine, aside from a concussion. This only mildly upset Dusk.
"Well, Spike, Spines, I think we'd best gather the girls," he said. The dragons nodded in agreement, but went nowhere. "
"By 'we,' I meant 'you;' so chop, chop!"
"Oh, sorry Dusk!"
***
Pinkie Pie was having an unusually boring day. That (to her) could only mean that something really, really exciting was going to happen later, so when Spines and Spike arrived at Sugarcube Corner, she was understandably overjoyed.
"Pinkie, Twilight and Dusk-" Upon hearing Spike's voice, pinkie leapt into the air, gasped, and her mane twitched. The baby dragons were dumbfounded for just long enough for it to be comical.
"Uh…" they said, their mouths agape, and left pointer claws going limp.
"OmigoshomigoshomigoshyoumustbeSpinesI'mPinkiePieanddidyousayTwilightandDuskwantedtoseeme?Thatmustmeanthatit'smyturnormaybetheywantedanEverpony'sGonnaMeetThemselvesPartyandthatwouldbejustsuperdupergreatbutthat'sprobablynotitandsincethischapteriscalledTheManeSixthatmeansthatthefirstonewasprobablyrightandI'msogladtoseeyoutwosincemydaywasreallyreallyboringwellboringformeanywaysoI'msuperduperexcitedandweshouldgetFluttershynext!!"
It was amazing how quickly Pinkie got all of that out. Truly inspirational. Anyhoof, the trio went off towards the edge of town. The walk was uneventful, so I won't narrate it. What do you mean, "Why not?" I don't want to waste anypony's time, and that would definitely be a waste. No, I'm not hiding anything, I just hate my job, and would like to skip the boring parts, okay? Fine! If you want me to tell you what happened, I will; but it's pointless. Oh, and since I neglected to mention it earlier, Spike and Spines only understood the last part of what Pinkie said.
Spike, Spines, and Pinkie were walking through town, with Pinkie greeting everypony along the way. Among these ponies was a rather dashing white pegasus named Crimson Capp. Stop laughing, I'm trying to introduce a character! SO WHAT IF IT'S ME? SHUT UP AND LET ME WORK!
"Hi, Cap! Enjoying your day off?"
"I always do, Pinkie. I always do."
Alright, they continued-- why do you want a more detailed description of me? On a related note, I'm not even supposed to hear you, so I should probably see a doctor. No, not THE Doctor; A doctor! Alright, I have red eyes, a messy back red-and-black mane, and a microphone cutie mark. Now can I get on with the story? Thank you. Look, I'm sorry for how cross I've been with you, it's just... I really hate how this story ends, and I'm --OF COURSE I KNOW HOW IT ENDS, I WAS THERE!!-- dealing with the bad memories really poorly at the moment. Oh, so now you want to skip the walk. Well it's too late, they're already at Fluttershy's. Wait... oh that's just perfect . we're out of time for this week. It would seem that my temper has cost us this installment. I hope that you're proud of yourselves. Now I'm going to have to be here even LONGER next time. You know what? No. I'm going to force you to reread this chapter. Go on, reread. That's your punishment for making me suck at my job today.
I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are All Rule 63'd
... And Then This Happened
I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are All Rule 63'd
Chapter 4: ... And Then This Happened
Alright, welcome back. I'm sure you won't ask as many plot-derailing questions this time. Okay, to recap: Spike, Spines, and Pinkie (bless her soul) are at Fluttershy's cottage.
***
Spike approached the door of the tree-building, then knocked six-point-seven-two-three times. This knock signified to Angel Bunny that Spike and Pinkie had arrived to escort Fluttershy to the Library. They had a very complicated system of knocks, alright? BECAUSE ANGEL IS INCREDIBLY PARANOID, THAT'S WHY! Ugh, barely a paragraph in, and I'm already yelling. Oh, well. I'm told that many of you are only paying attention because of me, so... let's just skip the gathering process, eh? No, I'm not trying to keep myself from being a plot element in order to avoid dealing with painful memories! Who told you that? I said no such thing. STOP DERAILING THE STORY!! Okay... happy place... happy place... Alright, I think I'm good. Let's get on with this atrocity. What? Alright, I won't skip the gathering process, but only so I won't have to listen to you guys whine about it.
Angel, before answering the door, wrangled the aptly-named (but who wasn't?) Fluttershy, so that she may be thusly wrangled by the awaiting trio. As 'Shy was brought to the door, Hummingway the hummingbird opened it. Out walked the pink-maned mare to the dragons and, uh, the other pink-maned mare... I guess.
"Um... I think it might be nice to meet somepony just as shy as me... even if he is me, it would still be nice..."
"Fluttershy, we should get Rarity..."
"Oh, I'm sorry for wasting your time, I'll be quiet... I promise."
Oh, that Fluttershy... she's just too cute.
"Oh, I'm sorry, I'll try to be less cute... if that's alright with you, I mean."
"Fluttershy, who are you talking to?"
"Oh, um, nopony, I'm sorry for the inconvenience."
Aaanyway, the group then left for the Carousel Boutique. As the dragons walked and the ponies trotted, Spike (and most likely Spines as well) pondered why nopony found this a strange sight. Each dragon looked at their counterpart for some clue as to the answer to this most perplexing conundrum, only to receive a shrug, followed by a sigh. After a few minutes, they arrived at the Boutique, despite the fact that it was on the exact opposite side of town, and Spines knocked upon the door.
"Hello? Girl-Elusive? Dusk and Twilight need you!" implored the infantile dragoness.
The door then opened, and Spines saw... Silver? What's he... wait. Oops, this must be his girl-self.
"Rarity's busy at the moment. She said something about 'finding the perfect ensemble for meeting herself,' so I think she'll be a few... hours."
"SWEETIE BELLE!" came a silk-laden voice from behind Sweetie, (Yes, I'm aware that I compare a lot of things to silk, stop interrupting the story) "I AM NOT THAT INDECISIVE!"
Up looked the quartet at the door to see Rarity, fashionista extrodinaire, with her latest fashion creation, a big hat, upon her head.
"Let us go, everypony!" she said, "This kind of fabulosity simply cannot go to waste!"
Spines then turned to Spike, and whispered:
"Remind me again, why didn't we get her last?"
"I thought you 'couldn't wait' to meet her?"
"Oh, uh... never mind. So, are we getting Applejack next?"
"Sure. We'll probably find Rainbow Dash on the way back."
"OoohOohOoh! Can I be part of this conversation?"
Spike and Spines then ceased movement in an unnecessarily dramatic manner, causing Pinkie to trip over them and taste dirt for the third time that day. You really don't want to know about the other three times she'd tasted dirt. Standing up as hyperactively as she could, Pinkie shook the soil from her mouth.
"Hey! Why'd you stop?"
"Because, we're here, Pinkie."
"Oh. Where's here? Is it a guessing game? I love guessing games! Okay, is it Sugarcube Corner? Why are we at Sugarcube Corner if I'm already here? And why does Sugarcube Corner look like Sweet Apple Acres?"
"Because we're at Sweet Apple Acres, darling," spoke Rarity.
"Oh, that makes much more sense!"
Well, with that, Pinkie began hopping towards AppleJack. You know, that's a good question. How did she know where Applejack was? I mean, Sweet Apple Acres is, well, was huge! Oh, well, I'm sure it--
"Oh, that's an easy one, Capp!"
Pinkie? But how-- oh, never mind. You were saying?
"Well, I knew where Applejack was because I always know exactly where everypony in Ponyville is, in case of friendship emergencies!"
Oh... kay. Anyhoof, Spike, Spines, Fluttershy, and Rarity followed Pinkie to Applejack's location, idly chatting about the events of the previous week. An odd occurrence, since the previous week had been rather uneventful. Unless... of course! They were talking about how unusually boring that week had been. Seriously, there wasn't even a Pinkie Pie Party or a CMC mishap. A rare occurrence indeed. Well, rather a rare lack of occurrence.
Once Pinkie had reached AJ's location, she continued bouncing. The only difference was that, in order to avoid passing AJ, Pinkie bounced around the aforementioned Apple Family member. This (for reasons unbeknownst to Pinkie) upset Applejack.
"Consarn it, Pinkie, Ah've got buckin' to do, so would you mind gettin' out from between me 'n' the trees?"
"No time, AJ!"
"What? No time for apple buckin'? Have you gone all sixes and sevens? This here's mah family's livelihood! Furthermore-- Pinkie, will yah stop draggin' me by the tail?"
Pinkie would not. Rather, she just kept dragging until the whole group came across Rainbow Dash, napping upon a cloud. Pinkie, being Pinkie, was able to convince Fluttershy to push said cloud to the Library. Amazing when you consider that she still had a firm grip on AJ's (now rather frazzled) tail. Anyhoof, they reached the library, and Dusk (knowing Butterscotch well enough to know that Fluttershy wouldn't get Rainbow Dash out of the cloud) levitated a bucket of water over said cloud, and-- you see where this is going, right? Good. When Rainbow Dash was peeled off of the ceiling (yes, they were inside), Dusk and Twilight cast Spell 63, opening the ever-so-mesmerizing blue vortex that acted as a portal betwixt the two universes. Out of the portal came the elegant Elusive, the bouncy Bubble Berry, the radical Rainbow Blitz, the bumbling Butterscotch, and the athletic Applejack. Shut up, it's a gender-neutral name. OF COURSE PONIES HAVE THOSE!
The group formed two lines, with each pony facing their counterpart. LET THE CONVERSIFICATION BEGIN!
"I must say, my dear, I simply adore your hat," said Elusive to Rarity.
"Why thank you... I'm sorry, I don't recall catching your name. I'm Rarity, and you... er, me?"
"Why, I'm Elusive, Miss Rarity."
"So very fine to meet you, Sir Elusive."
Okay, next up, Flutterscotch.
"Um... hi. What's your name?"
"Um... I'm Fluttershy."
"Oh, hi Fluttershy, I'm Butterscotch. It's nice to meet you."
"Oh, um... it's nice to meet you too, Butterscotch."
Dash and Blitz are up next!
"You think you're awesome, huh?" asked Rainbow Dash
"No, I know I am. In fact, I'm the fastest flyer in Equestria!"
"Nuh-uh! I'm the fastest flyer in Equestria!"
"We're both the fastest flyer in Equestria, we're the same pony!"
"Dang, I'm hot as a colt."
"I know, right?"
Okay, we should probably go to Pinkie and Berry now.
"Hi Berry!"
"Hey Pinkie!
"I haven't seen you since that thing with the mirror, throw any good parties lately?"
"Same ones as you! Clockwork's been getting onto me about cavities, though."
"Oooh! Colgate's been doing the same with me!"
"Isn't it great being us?"
"Totally!"
Alright, the pair of Applejacks is next, I guess.
"Howdy, ma'am. Well, ah guess, 'Howdy, me' would be more appropriate, wouldn't it?"
"Ah have absolutely no idea, but what's your name? Ah'm guessin' somethin' like 'Caramel Apple,' how off am ah?"
"Pretty far. Mah name's Applejack."
"But that's mah name!"
"Well, how 'bout that? Haystack, Ah must say, Ah like your stetson."
"Well thankie, sugarcube. It was mah Pa's back when Ah was a little filly."
"I guess yah must've figured it out by now, but mine b'longed to mah Ma."
And that, dear readers, is what happened in this chapter. Next time: The Hooves Family
Author's Note
Alright, you might've noticed that Colegate's r63 self was called "Clockwork" by Bubble Berry. That's because his name is Clockwork Crest, as Colgate's name is Colgate Minuette. That is all.
I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are All Rule 63'd
I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are All Rule 63'd
The Hooves Family
Now that the Mane 6 have accomplished their purpose in this story, they don't have to be mentioned ever again. Yes, I'm aware that Twilight is a member of the Mane 6, but you didn't give me a chance to clarify, now did you? Anyhoof, 'twas the next day when this chapter took place. Twilight's recovery had gone swimmingly, and word of the Spell 63 Requirement had spread. Twilight had even set up a system that allowed everypony to know when they could and could not enter the Library to meet themselves. A knock was heard at the door.
"Hello? Twilight? I've got your mail!"
"Ditzy, don't forget that it's our turn!"
Twilight trotted to the door, now knowing who was there. That family was just so strange sometimes... okay, all the time. Seriously, have you ever heard Dinky talk for more than a few seconds? She sounds like some kind of genius! It just can't be natural. Twilight opened the door, and in came Ditzy Doo, Doctor Hooves, Dinky, and Sparkler.
"Hello, Doctor. Can I assume that you're here to help with my assignment?"
"Well, yes, but we've all met our counterparts before-- don't ask how-- so I think that this might be rather different from what you expected. Personally, I'm excited to talk with the Professor again. So rare for me to meet an intellectual equal... even if that equal is myself. I know that it's silly, but I hope she's--"
"Muffin, you're doing it again," interrupted Ditzy.
"Oh, am I? Terribly sorry, Twilight."
Twilight was a bit taken aback by the Doctor's ramblings, but not as much as she would've been if he hadn't rambled. Seriously, if you consider how much he talks, it's almost a wonder that public speaking isn't his Special Talent. Granted, I know that all Time Chargers have the same Cutie Mark, but still . What do you mean, "How do I know he's not a pony?" That's a great story, but it's one for another time. Look, just shut up and read, okay?
Twilight asked the group to make themselves comfortable while she got Dusk. She explained that the spell required both of them, so that the portal cold be anchored in both universes. Twilight ascended the devil's creation, and managed to tear Dusk out of his book fort. Look, if you don't ask fewer questions, then I'm going to start ignoring you, understand? Good. Now, Twilight dragged Dusk down the accursed stairs, so that they could cast Spell 63. Really? You're just now asking why it's called that? FIne, it's called "Spell 63" because it opens a portal into Universe 63. What? How should I know why it's called Universe 63? Ask Princess Ce-- oh, that's right. Never mind. Just forget that I said anything. We, uh, [sobs] we should get back to the story.
Twilight and Dusk cast the spell, opening the blue vortex that you've all come to know and love. Out of said vortex came (in this order) a chestnut earth pony mare with blue eyes and a slightly spiky brown mane; a gray pegasus stallion with golden wall-eyes and a messy golden mane; a purplish unicorn colt with amber eyes and a two-toned wavy blonde mane; and a purple unicorn stallion with a tow-toned purple mane that covered one eye, and lavender eyes. Their names were: Professor Hooves (AKA Sandy Spins), Twisty Tail (AKA Dopey Hooves), Twinkie Hooves, and Amethyst. Each pony (or pony-shaped being) went over to (and began excitedly conversing with) their respective cross-gendered counterparts. I don't think that their conversations were particularly noteworthy in any respect other than the fact that they were focused on catching up, rather than awkward introduction. Oh, come on. You can't say that introducing yourself to a gender-reversed version of yourself wouldn't be awkward. Okay, I guess you can , but it wouldn't be honest. OH, YOU KNOW WHAT I MEANT!
Tune in next time to see what odd things happen! Will Equestria plummet into eternal chaos? Will the dimensions collapse into one another, essentially killing everypony? Will Fancypants finally put some pants on? You'll just have to wait and see, because you're very rude. And here I thought that you'd learned your lesson, judging from your comparative silence in the last chapter.
Author's Note
I'm getting tired of writing this... I think I might put it on Hiatus after the next chapter. Y'know, just until I can focus on it again.
I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are All Rule 63'd
Snowflake, the Soft-Spoken Musclecolt
I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are all Rule 63'd
Snowlfake, the Soft-Spoken Musclecolt
Welcome back! Did you have a nice halftime? Spell anything out? We were gonna talk about kids. Wait a minute. I'm reading a Carlin script from the seventies. Oops. Yes, of course i know about George Carlin, why are so sur-- oh. wrong universe. That's just incredibly strange. Aaanyhoof, Snowflake tended to be a rather quiet stallion, despite his tendency to get "caught up in the moment," as 'twere. Hey! Rarity doesn't have exclusive rights on that contraction, I can use it if I want, okay? Whelp, Snowflake thought it to be about his turn to enter the domain of the purple enchantress and her duplicate. Thge one place he normally dared not tread... a Library.
It's not like he hated reading... but he was terribly afraid of books. It all started when he was just a little fil-- I mean, colt. Give me a break, remembering gender in this story is nigh on impossible! What? No I didn't mean "neigh on impossible," just how thick are you? Well, then. I'm sorry, but it would seem that Snowflake's full (and might I add, heart-wrenching) back story would be lost on you. Besides, the stupid author forgot to write it. Yes, of course I'm allowed to break the fourth wall! I do it ALL THE TIME!! Have I in any way given you the impression that I like you, reader? Oh. Then I apologize for misleading you.
Whelp, that was a nice waste of a paragraph. Anyway, we've gone far enough off course already. BACK TO THE STORY!! Shut up, I'm allowed to have gusto!
Snowflake entered the library. He didn't bother to knock because, well, have you seen him? the door would probably snap in twain! Upon entering the great tree known as the Books and Branches Library, Snowflake called out to the ludicrously laborious lavender lifelong librarians living with the joint (or respective, I guess) title of "Faithful Student."
"Pardon me, but are you here? Miss Sparkle? Mister Shine? I must say, I do believe that it is my turn today."
Duskus and Twillith had heard Snowflake long before he entered the Library, so they were already in mid-process. I feel that I should tell you that both Twilight and Dusk were necessary for the casting of the Spell. Neither was skilled enough to do it alone, you see. YES, I'M STALLING, YOU GOT A PROBLEM WITH THAT? Ugh, look, I'm sorry that i snapped at you again, it's just... I ran out of my anti-psychotic medication yesterday, and my doctor, uh... spoilers. Did you seriously just ask why I'm supposed to be on anti-psychotics? You really are thick. Seriously, It's impossible to understand you creatures.
Thus opened the now-beloved Vortex. Sweet Celestia, it's beautiful. All of Time and Space, anywhere and everywhere, hold on a tick! That's a Doctor Who promo. Well, consarn it all! Ugh, NEW PARAGRAPH!
Now where was I? Oh, right. Vortex. Out of the Vortex (fork, it's beautiful) came a dainty white pegasus mare with a long blonde mane, tiny wings, and a dumbbell Cutie Mark. Her name? Blizzard.
"Oh, pardon me, madame," said Snowflake, his voice dainty (ironic, huh?). "But am I to assume that you're my female self? If so, I'd like to introduce myself. Snowflake MacCrushinator at your service."
"Oh? Well, then, Snowflake MacCrushinator, I'm Blizzard Gale. Pleased to make your acquaintance."
At this, Snowflake nodded, rose from the bow you assumed he took, and gained a rather peculiar look upon his face.
"Hey, you wanna do it, me?"
"OH YEAH!! I mean, of course. Lead the way, old chap."
Hearing this, Twi and Dusk gasped, and simultaneously shouted in protest, then forcibly shoved Blizzard back through that gorgeous Vortex and into her home dimension.
NEXT TIME:
"Hello, dear stallion friend. It's nice to meet another Zebrican."
Author's Note
Who can guess which Carlin record I quoted?
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I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are All Rule 63'd
Zircon, Zecora, and something that rhymes with that
"The time has come. I must allow it to take control. I'm sorry. I'm so sorry that I have to do this. I must end it. I-- "
WHO IN THREE HELLS ARE YOU, AND WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY NARRATION ROOM?
"OH SWEET SOLARIS, YOU'RE STILL ALIVE? I thought that it would've taken you out, like--"
NOPONY TOUCHES MY NARRATION CONSOLE!!
*due to the Author's desire to keep this story's rating, as well as get the word count up, we cannot show you what occurred, but do not wish to simply say "scene missing," despite the fact that that is indeed the case. We apologize for the inconvenience.*
Well, that takes care of that usurper. Well, buck. Now it's too gooey in here for me to comfortably do a chapter. As long as you're here, want to help me clean up this mess? WHY NOT!? ... Oh. I forgot that you aren't physically here . Well, I'll just be a minute.
Sorry about that. Alright, now. Let's get on with this.
I am He as You are She as You are Me as We and We are All Rule 63'd
Chapter Six? No, Chapter Seven: Zecora, Zircon, and Something that Rhymes with That
Zecora arrived at the Librarium Discordia in shambles. Twilight, in a fit of indecisiveness, had renamed it again. As a result of this thoughtlessness, Zecora's Starry Stripes: Directions and Advise (patent pending) system had led her all the way through the Everfree forest, past the treacherous Gumpdrop Mountains, and halfway through Neigh Jersey before she realize that it was taking her to Manetreal. She then embarked on a treacherous five-month return trip. This wasn't too surprising, as she got lost quite frequently (in both rhyming and direction) without it. Believe you me, getting lost in the Gumdrop mountains for three months is no picnic. Well, except in the Picnic Fields, but it's still quite doom-worthy.
Anyhoof, when Zecora arrived, she was too exhausted to knock, so she just decided to urinate on the door. Wait... what? Okay, seriously, Cap? What is wrong with you, dude? In typing that, you made it true, but I still don't remember it happe-- never mind. What? I don't care that we're not supposed to break the Fourth Wall. I, what? I AM ABOVE THE LAW!!! Okay, I crossed a line with that.
No, Interactive Rainbow Dash, you're not an egghead. D'aaawww, she's sleeping. Wait, no she isn't. Good. I miss Pinkie. No, I did not just suggest that she dies in the end. Anyhoof...
Twilght, hearing the distinctive trickle of a roadweary Zebra, sent Spike to get the door. Spike, upset that he had to leave a game of Twister, begrudgingly untangled himself from his female counterpart. He opened the door to see a very dazed version of the normally unflappable zebra he'd come to resist the desire to devour. Of course, having been unable to properly rhyme for five months had caused Zecora to constantly mutter the only tow words for which there were no rhymes.
"Orange... silver... orange... orange... silver... orange..." muttered the now long-collapsed Zebraharan herbalist under her breath.
Spike sighed, then began dragging the semi-concious hermit into the Library. Will the torture ever end?
Twilight then mustered all of her magical strength in order pull Dusk out from Starswirl The Bearded: A Forgettable Master , so that they might cast the Spell. Dusk, true to his nature, was fighting and groaning every step of the way. He had only read this book twice, and couldn't bear the thought of having missed something.
"Dusk, don't you want to complete our task for the Princess... uh, Prince... um... you get my point, right?"
"But Twiley! Wait, we have company?"
"Well, duh, bro!'
Hearing this, Dusk leapt into the air, then over the staircase railing, dragging Twilight with him. The pair of lavender librarians landed loudly on the wooden floor of the tree-- er, Library-- er, Library made from a still-living tree with a very audible thump. On a related note, ever wonder if the tree feels pain when Twilight falls? I do. Quite often, in fact. Clockwork once told me that it did, but then he told me that it prefers to be called "Marianne," so I'm not sure if he was being serious or not. Anyhoof, I've gotten off-topic. Sorry about that. Happens a lot.
The thump awoke Zecora, and she reflexively propelled herself upwards into the air. (That's a great many words for "she jumped at the sound," isn't it?)
"ORANGE!" shouted the startled Zebraharan, "... Silver, Orange?"
Due to their many years of heavy-duty reading, Twilight and Dusk realized that Zecora had shut off her guidance system, and used their joint magical prowess to remotely activate it. Hey, I'm not the one who likes to use such big words, he is!This snapped Zecora from her funk, allowing her to rhyme once more.
"Thanks for the help, unicorns and dragon whelp," said she.
"Think nothing of it, Zecora. Now, would you like to meet, uh..." Twilight then turned to her metaphorical brother, "Dusk, what's his name?"
"Oh, Zircon. He's a real swell fella."
"Right... so, Zecora, are you ready to meet Zircon?"
At this, Zecora merely smiled, "But of course, child! I cannot wait to see somepony from the Zebrican wild."
Each librarian raised their horn, already aglow, summoning a stallion that once earned scorn, through a blue light show. Out of the vortex came a wise colt, muttering, wheezing, then crashing with a jolt.
"Oh, drat!" exclaimed Twilight. She turned her twin, then asked, "Dusk, did we do that?"
"It would seem that my twin has been through quite a fright! He needs your help, my dear Twilight."
"Ugh, fine , Zecora. shoulda killed you when I had the chance..."
Twilight went to work on aiding Zircon. It was actually quite simple, but she still found it irritating. Seriously, she just had to remotely reactivate his Starry Stripes: Directions and Advise system, then dump a bucket of water on his head. Granted, she probably didn't have to drop the bucket on his head afterwards, but she was angry, so it seemed like a good idea.
"Wha--? Oh, I see it's my turn, then. Huzzah. Tell me, dear striped mare, did I give you too great a scare?"
Hearing this, Zecora went a little weak in the knees. Zircon's voice is smooth and sweet. Just the kind to knock me onto my seat. Zecora thought this, then realized she must look ditzy. Standing on her now-jellyish legs, Zecora put on a brave face.
"Hello, Zircon, Zecora is my name. It's good to see another Zebraharan, especially one so tame."
Zircon's reaction to his double's voice was the same as hers to his. Zecora was pleased to see this swooning stallion.
"Zecora, would you mind explaining?" asked Twilight.
"Yeah, Zircon, I just don't understand all of this fainting!"
Zecora and Zircon shared a glance. They then gazed at the astonished librarians.
"Dusk, surely you heard?" asked Zircon, dumbfoundedly.
"That stallion's voice is simply superb!" Zecora exclaimed with glee.
Dusk and Twi shared a look. They suddenly remembered something that they once read in a Zebra book. You see, Zebras talk in rhyme to (among other things) attract a mate. The Librarians gulped. Both were terrified of what might if Zircon and Zecora made with the intercourse. With grim determination (and just a little bit of frenzied panic), the purple unicorns reopened the vortex, and sent Zircon through it. Then, to avoid reciprocation, Twilight teleported Zecora back to her little hut.
The fervor with which they did these things would prove to be their undoing.
See you next time, for the last time in:
Chapter Eight: How Reality Died
Author's Note
Sorry to say this, folks, but the next chapter will be the last. It's a big one though! Lyra meets Harpo, The CMC meet themselves, and a huge catastrophe occurs!
I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are All Rule 63'd
How Reality Died (also, some CMC and Lyra)
Okay, everypony. Here's the chapter I've been dreading. Here's where you learn why I hate how this story ends. Of course, as a special treat to help you tolerate that, you're getting four meetings, where you'd normally get one. Look, I hate that it's ending too, okay. Once I finish narrating this story, I'm not sure what's gonna happen to me. These chapters normally don't take me very long, but this one... golly. It's massive. Too much happening... you're right. I am stalling. I'm sorry. It's just... this chapter has a huge emotional weight for me. *Capp exhales because I couldn't figure out how to say that in greater than/less than symbols. Seriously, try it. It just didn't show that anything was there.* Okay, I can do this...
I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are All Rule 63'd
Chapter Eight: How Reality Died (also, some CMC and Lyra)
Three weeks passed. Three weeks of background ponies meeting themselves.
Colgate Minuette met Clockwork Crest; Snips and Snails met Sugar and Spice; Thunderlane met Lightning Row; Flitter and Cloudchaser met Flapper and Raindasher; Rose, Daisy, and Lily met Isaphan, Nippon Oxey, and Tiger; Twist met Peppermint Swirl; Mayor Mare met Mayor Mustang; Rumble met Reverb; and Big Macintosh met Red Gala. Considering that all of those meetings occurred in the space of three weeks, it's amazing that there weren't more. Anyhoof, let's get on with the plot.
Lyra arrived at the Library (which had been renamed yet again) in a state of extreme excitement. She was beyond anxious to meet her male self, you see. She had had much difficulty in restraining herself, but knew that it would be best to be low on the list. That way, she could be sure that Twilight and Dusk were at least relatively proficient in casting the Spell, and could therefore... okay, it had been Bon Bon's idea. Bon Bon didn't trust the Spell, or magic in general, actually. Hey, mud ponies, man. What're you gonna do?
What? It's not like... oh. Right. You don't know yet. Well, just wait. By the end of this chapter, you'll see what I mean.
Lyra then knock-knock-knock-knocked upon the door. No answer. She repeated the process. Still no response from Twilight. Where could she be? thought Lyra, I mean, the odds of Twilight being out are unusual enough, but Twilight, Dusk, Spike, and Spines? I'm not sure if that's even mathematically possible!
For good measure, Lyra knocked again. This time, she only knocked three times. That did it. A very loud sigh was audible from inside the Library, and Spike came to the door.
"Oh, sorry about that, Lyra. Twilight's really paranoid about this prophecy she read. She won't let me open the door for anypony that knocks four times," Spike said. Then, noticing the bewildered (don't think I've used that word in this story yet) look on Lyra's face, he sighed.
"It confuses me, too. I learned a long time ago not to ask Twilight about this kind of stuff."
Lyra then followed Spike into the Library, where Twilight and Dusk were hiding behind a desk.
Dabuq are they doing?
"No Dusk, I'm telling you, it's my turn to read Spike's diary!" shouted Twilight, upset over her twin's hoggishness.
Of course, it was to be expected. After all, when have you seen Twilight, of all mares, simply hoof over a book that she had read less than twelve times? Dusk, being just as thorough as his counterpart, was rather unwilling to comply with her wishes.
"No! This part's really interesting! I must figure out what that dream of his meant!"
"Dusk, it was two years ago! What that dream meant is irrelevant now, so hoof over the book!"
"You're not the boss of me!"
"I am you!"
Spike had finally had enough. they'd been bickering almost continuously for three days now, and it was starting to get on his nerves. Besides, they were ignoring their guest, and that was an intolerable offense.
"Enough!" he shouted, snatching the book, "You have work to do, so do it, or you'll never figure it out."
Twilight looked at her twin, and he at her. Each grew a grin; nay, t'was more of a smirk. With a fierce nod, and horns aglow, they opened a vortex, through which a minty stallion had chosen to go.
Out came the harpist, a cocky grin on his face;
"Dusk, Spines, no, still no! Where's my twin, where'd she go?"
Lyra, for her part, had hidden under Twilight's first edition copy of The Complete Equestrian Almanac to End All Equestrian Almanacs: Volume I, Unabridged Edition. Trust me, that book was more than big enough for Lyra to hide under. Hay, you could probably hide Big Macintosh in the binding. Anyhoof, I'm getting off-topic.
Lyra, hearing her counterpart's voice, jumped from under a great, big "The," excited to see the stallion that knew he was she. Leaping Lunar Loyalists, that was one confusing sentence. Then again, that's the point, isn't it? The title's confusing, the structure's confusing, the whole darn story is confusing! Oh, well.
"Hi, I'm Lyra, so who am I?"
"Well, Lyra, apparently. Actually, I'm Harpo. Harpo Pluck. Is it just 'Lyra,' then?"
"Nope. Nice to meet me, Harpo Pluck. Lyra Heartstrings."
"Well thanks, Lyra Heartstrings. It's wonderful to be met."
At about this time, Dusk and Twilight, the lavender librarians, decided that they'd had enough of this confusing conversation carried out by colorfully coated crafters of creative cacophonies, otherwise known as a crafty couple of composers with cranial canes of-- okay, I'm not going to keep going with that "words beginning with C" thing. Too stressful. With grim determination on their faces, the lavender librarians lit up their horns, and opened the Vortex. Harpo, too engrossed in the novelty of meeting an alternate version of himself to notice, was easily thrust back through the swirly blue thingamajig, and into his home universe.
MEANWHILE, AT THE LEGION OF DOOM (okay, the CMC Clubhouse, but it's all the same to me):
"Okay, everypony. Ah'd like to suggest that we go meet the Crusaders from that other universe." spoke Apple Bloom (proud holder of the death penalty in three systems) to her subordinates.
"Why? Are we gonna try for our Cutie Marks in meeting our interdimensional counterparts?" inquired Sweetie Belle (known in some circles as "Thrackerzod, Destroyer of Worlds") in her incredulous, yet incredibly cute little voice.
"No way," said Scootaloo, (known in legends of Skaro as "The Oncoming Storm," look her up) "We tried that last week, remember? By the way, we should meet up with that me sometime. She's walking in-- in you-- enyeu-- Sweetie Belle, a little help here?"
"Innuendo."
"Right, that. --and that's almost as cool as being related to Rainbow Dash!"
At this, Sweetie Belle decided to somehow bend the (already wounded) fabric reality by singing the treehouse into the Library. This was a foolhardy move that would contribute greatly to the great problem that you'll see later on. No. I will not yell at you. we're too close to the end. Too close to it . If I yell at you, then we'll risk doing even more damage. I cannot allow that to happen. I will not yell at you. Not again. Not ever again. Anyhoof, Sweetie's performance of Habeñera did its job, transportalfying the Treehouse of Doom into Twilight's bedroom. Yes, apparently it does require the entire opera.
***
Dusk was still rather pooped from dispatching Harpo back to Universe 63, and out of the "Land of Confusion," as he had come to call the Library. Twilight was all skips and giggles, though. You see, Twi was overjoyed because Dusk was too tired to return to reading The Dragon Chronicles, Volume II: Ponyville, Year One (Otherwise known as Spike's Diary, year eight), and she had been able to sneak it away from her, uh, twin.
Then came the treehouse. Sweetie Belle, it seems, was foolish enough that she thought it wise to teleport a treehouse into somepony's second-floor bedroom. Needless to say, Dusk and Twilight's beds were no longer... in any state that in no way resembled rubble. No, not Barney Rubble. Sweet Celestia, I'm surrounded by idiots. Oh, well. It could be worse. I could work in *shudders* a fast food restaurant. Anyhoof, I suppose that you'd like for us to get back on track. Shall we head onwards, then? Oh. Well, too bad, I'm going to get this derailed tale back on its rails! Yes, I do know how silly that sounded, but I don't care. Okay, where were we? Oh, right. I was pointing out the foolishness of teleporting a large treehouse into a second-story bedroom, so let's get back into that. Alright, so... Sweetie Belle had just sung the Clubhouse into the aforementioned bedroom.
The floor of the Treebrary (renamed again?) then gave out under the massive weight of the treehouse. This crushed the spine of Spines. Ironic, huh? Okay, maybe not ironic , but the wordplay is pretty funny. No, wait, that isn't what happened. Sorry about that. Have I ever told you that I can't get my anti-psychotic medication anymore? Good, good. Well, it's still true.
Okay, getting back to the topic at hoof, the floor broke, and Twilight got mui, mui upset over the large number of books damaged by the collapsing ceiling. Dusk, however, knew that they weren't his books, so he managed to save the lives of the plummeting Saracen-- I mean, Crusaders. He still cried over the loss of so many innocent tomes, though.
Apple Bloom, Sweetie Belle, and Scootaloo then landed upon the skull of Spike (poor fella) in a rhythmic manner. You know which one I'm talking about, right? Donk donka-donk-donk, donk donk. No, wait. That simply can't be true... Oh,well! You shouldn't question these things, it'll just lead to migraines. Seriously, these guys I know tried to work out Equestrian Cosmology once, and it didn't work out very well. Hm? Their names? Well, that's a bit off-topic, but they're Squeak, Sonicsuns, and these two other guys whose names I can't remember. Now, we really should get back to the story.
"Sweetie Belle, why'd you do that?" asked Scoot-Scootaloo.
"Yeah, we could've ~~walked~~ trotted over here."
Sweetie Belle sighed. Her friends simply couldn't seem to grasp the concept of opera-based teleportation magic. She had wanted to show this new type of spell to Twilight, in the hope that the magical mare's praise would result in her discovery of her special talent. This was not the case. Rather, Twilight was very upset that her bed had been splintered. Thus, Sweetie tolerated her friends' insistences that she had been foolish, because she knew that she had. In fact, she had gone about her attempts in the (please don't sue me for this, Brad Nowell's ghost!) Wrong Way .
"Oh, great. It's them ." Dusk said, his distaste for the over-ambitious trio quite evident.
"From your tone, I assume that you mean the Cutie Mark Crusaders, yes?"
"Duh."
The Crusaders had now completely removed themselves from the wreckage of their gathering place... but not Twilight's bed. The funny thing about Twilight's bed is that it's stuffed with Gryphon feathers. (That's right, I spelled "Gryphon" correctly, come at me, bro!) I'd ask you not to tell Gilda, but I think you can guess why that's pretty useless. Anyhoof, once the Knights Cutie had pulled themselves out from beneath the splintery pile of feathered wreckage, they lined themselves up before Dusk and Twilight.
"Twilight, can you..." began Apple Bloom,
"Call our..." continued Sweetie Belle,
"Selves?" finished Scootaloo.
Twilight's eyes narrowed at this. She decided to confront these beasts through conversation.
"Let me get this straight," she began. "You crash into my house, destroy my very expensive bed, and the entire top floor of my library, and then ask for my help?"
The trio of tiny tykes knotted their adorably destructive heads in response to the magical mare's inquiry. The lavender librarian then grinned, befuddling the chaotically cute Crusaders.
"Okay. Let's do it, Dusk." Twilight said, lighting up her horn.
However, as Dusk lit his, both students realized that Scooteroll, Apple Buck, and Silver Bell would not be coming through the vortex. In fact, the vortex began doing what nopony ever expected it to. Okay, I expected it, but only because I know how vortexes work. What was it, you ask? Well, I guess you'll just have to wait.
Author's Note
Can you find all of the references? I hope not. Oh, and apparently, I decided to make another chapter. Why? Because I didn't want to keep writing this one. Suck it, me from earlier! Hey, watch the teeth!
I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are All Rule 63'd
Death Metal. Death Metal Everywhere
Welcome back, suckers. As you know, I'm Crimson Capp, and this is:
I AM HE AS YOU ARE SHE AS YOU ARE ME AND WE ARE ALL RULE 63'D
The Final Chapter, of course. It's called Death Metal. Death Metal Everywhere! I realize that the title has pretty much nothing to do with the chapter, but it's much less grim than whatI was going to use. I mean, you try humorously naming something about the death of absolutely everything. It's not very easy. Okay, now where'd I leave off? Oh, yes, the Vortex.
***
Twilight Dusk gasped. The Vortex wasn't acting like it normally did, and they knew why. Celestia and Solaris did have a reason for giving them this assignment. Through the interdimensional bending caused not only by the repeated opening of the Vortex, but the constant presence of Dusk and Spines in this universe as well, the walls between realities were wounded. Both universes would soon die. Amazing how quickly you can think when you've just caused the extinction of reality, isn't it?
The Vortex began pulling. Pulling at the fabric of reality. The Vortex tugged. It tugged until everything was gone.
The Library was the first to go. Within three more seconds, everything from Manehattan to Los Pegasus was gone, as well. In five seconds, the Crystal Empire and Saddle Arabia went too. Half a second later, Zebrica was gone. The Vortex was cruel. In nearly six seconds, it had destroyed everything in either universe. Everything except my house. My house merged with itself. That "usurper" I took care of was Scarlet Scarf. That wasn't murder, it was suicide. I'm still here, but not for long. Now that I've told you the tale, it has no reason to keep me here. Ha. I just realized something: I just narrated the death of not one, but two universes! Let's see Smooth Voice do that!
"PEACE OUT, Y'ALL!!"
*As he shouted his final farewell, Crimson Capp (as well as his narration booth) faded from existence. So died the last survivor of The Vortex.*
Author's Note
... and so ends my masterpiece! Whaddaya think, folks? By the by, some of you don't seem to get it: you're supposed to get confused. If you don't understand that, then you're missing the point of the story. It's not about the plot. Heh, plot. I'm getting off-track here. Look, the story is about confusion.
I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are All Rule 63'd
I am He as You are She as You are Me and We are all Rule 63'd
Prologue: A Spell
Twilight was anxious, no two ways about it. Princess Celestia had told her to return to Canterlot, and had only said that it was time. Time for what? No explanation had been given, which wasn't all that surprising, considering that she was Celestia. Twilight was outside of the door to the palace's Grand Hall, and was almost hesitant to enter. Almost.
"Princess? You wanted to see me?" called Twilight as she opened the door. To her surprise, the Princess already had company: a tall, white, alicorn stallion who strongly resembled Celestia. The Princess, seeing her student, smiled a bit.
"Yes, Twilight," she began in that silky voice of hers, "I'd like you to meet Prince Solaris," The stallion, obviously a prince, greeted Twilight with a nod.
"He's me from another dimension," began the sun goddess, pausing to let this information sink in. She assumed that it had once Twilight squee'd.
"Well, that could've gone worse," said Celestia, "Anyhoof, I've-- I mean, We've decided to teach you and your counterpart Spell 63. Before you ask me why you've never heard of it, let's just say that I hid it away. Now, in order to avoid having to teach this lesson twice.,," Celestia's horn began to glow, and a bright, swirling vortex appeared. Out of this vortex came a lavender stallion with a choppy dark purple (striped with lighter purples) mane and tail, purple eyes, and… My Cutie Mark… I'm not bad looking, if I say so myself. thought Twilight (and probably this stallion as well, being the same pony and all).
"Twilight Sparkle, meet Dusk Shine…" said Celestia.
"And Dusk Shine, meet Twilight Sparkle," said Solaris.
TO BE CONTINUED IN: I Am Him And She Is Me
