Spider, spider, on the wall...

by Idsertian

Rating: teen
Tags: Rainbow Dash, Comedy, Twilight Sparkle, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 1588

In which Twilight has troubles with an arachnid in her plasterwork.

Spider, spider, on the wall
Come on down, before you fall
Can't you see that wall's been plastered?
Come on down, you silly spider...

Author's note: Rated Teen for two instances of moderate and strong language, respectively.
Cover is courtesy of Pinkamena of The Escapist's MLP group.

Published 2012-12-11 01:30:02 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-11 01:30:02 UTC

Spider, spider, on the wall...

Spider, spider, on the wall...

Twilight Sparkle was plastering the inside of a house. Why? Well, if asked, she would have given a long explanation, filled with many different proper names and perhaps even some scientific explanation about the plaster in question; as well as what was intended to be layered over it.
The long and short of it was that she was helping Applejack build a new house for her sister, Applebloom. The young filly had grown into a young mare, was moving out and, as AJ was often wont to say: “The Apples take care of their own.”

Today, though, Twilight was on her own. She wore some overalls to try and keep the mixture out of her fur, but she still had the odd splotch on her face and lumps in her mane where wayward globs had splashed off the wall as she applied it, holding her hod and trowel in her magic. She wasn't happy about that at all, as it meant she would need to cut her hair horribly short. So short, she doubted even Rarity would be able to do anything with it.
True, Twilight wasn't the world's best plasterer, but she was AJ's friend and so would do her best. In fact, she was almost done and the books she'd read on the subject had enabled her to do a fairly decent job.

As she smoothed out the last application of plaster, she stepped back and examined her work; smiling at a job well done. Applejack would be pleasantly surprised when she next came in.
Twilight set about tidying away her tools. A tidy workplace was a safe one, after all. She put things neatly together near the now finished wall, mentally ticking each item off in her head, ensuring everything was in its place before she left. She then turned to leave, but in doing so, caught sight of something on the wall opposite the one she'd just been working on.
The plaster was still fresh, seeing as how she'd only just been working on it today; and in it were many tiny little dots, starting at the floor and working their way up the wall. Twilight frowned in consternation as she followed their path up the wall. What could have done this? This was hours of work lost, she would need to redo the whole section and-AGH!

Twilight scrambled back and fell on her haunches as she came face to face with a furry horror, black as night and...oh wait, it's just a spider.
Getting back on her hooves, she peered up at the arachnid, which seemed to be stuck in the half-set goop. A little rhyme started in her head:

Spider, spider, on the wall...

She giggled at her own silliness and sparked her magic into life. No need to leave the poor thing up there, she could just...pick it up...with her...magic...and...
There was an audible “pop” as her magic broke and she fell back onto her haunches again. Twilight shook her head, dazed. What the...? She stared at the spider. It stared back at her.
Well now, that was strange. How had it resisted her magic? It was just a spider. Getting up once again, she peered at it once more. Nope, ordinary spider as far as she could tell. Eight legs, eight beady little eyes, hair all over and black. Maybe half the size of the toys used in those Nightmare Night games. It looked a little damp, as if it had just crawled in from the rain, though it was a bright sunny day outside.
She tried her magic again, gently this time. The spider remained impassive, resolutely refusing to move, as if glued to the spot. Impossible! A simple spider shouldn't be able to resist any unicorn's magic!
Well, ok. Don't panic. There's probably a reasonable explanation for this. She just needed to get a book on spiders and...oh yeah, this isn't the library. Ok, Twilight, think. Think, think, think. Ah!

Come on down, before you fall...

Picking up her trowel, she gently nudged the spider. It flicked its legs at the offending instrument, but it remained stationary. Twilight nudged it again and this time it did move, but only to rotate itself away from the trowel. Getting frustrated now, she pushed it a third time, somewhat harder.
This time it moved, scampering away from the dirty trowel, leaving more little pock-marks in the half-set plaster. She chased it with the trowel further and further down the wall, all the way down to the skirting board.
Just as she was about to get the trowel under it and flick the spider onto the floor, it turned and bolted back up the wall, back to where it had been before. Oh for the love of...
Sighing in exasperation, she tried again, but couldn't get it to do more than flick its legs at her.
Ok, Twilight, think some more. What else can you do to get rid of a spider? No glasses here, so you can't cover it and use a piece of paper to catch it. You don't want to hurt it, so where does that leave you? You have to get this thing down before and the wall repaired before Applejack gets back! Clock's ticking! Think, think, think, think, think, think, think... Aha! That'll work!

Can't you see that wall's been plastered?

Extending her magic further, Twilight picked up the hod she'd been using to hold the plaster before applying it to the walls. It was mostly clean now, with only a thin layer of dry plaster clinging to it. At least she needn't worry about getting the spider stuck on that.
She held it under where the spider was sat and once again set about nudging it with the trowel. It flicked its legs at her once more, but she ignored it, persisting. Eventually, she tired of hinting for it to move and poked at it roughly.
The spider jerked back and Twilight swore she heard a tiny little hiss. Shaking her head, she once again pushed it with the trowel, gently encouraging it towards the hod; where it eventually plopped down. Hurriedly taking the hod away from the wall, she then started to walk to wards the door, keeping a careful eye on the spider, which was crawling around frantically. She had to keep turning the hod to stop it from crawling out of sight.
Just as she reached the door, however, the spider paused at the corner of the hod nearest the wall. Oh no, don't you dare...
As if watching in slow motion, she watched the spider poise itself and leap off of the hod back towards the wall. It scampered back up towards the spot she had first found it, leaving a long trail of diagonal prints across the whole wall.

Something in her head metaphorically snapped and Twilight's right eye twitched. A quiet keening noise built in her throat, deepening into a groan and finally increasing in volume to a full on scream.

“OH, COME ON DOWN, YOU STUPID BASTARD!” she shouted at the spider.

* * * * * *

Outside the house-to-be, a bush quivered at the sound of Twilight's frustrated shout. It began shaking and giggling, then outright laughing. Soon, a blue Pegasus with a rainbow-coloured mane fell out of it, laughing hysterically.
Rainbow Dash could hardly control her laughter, it was almost too funny. She'd caught the spider earlier that afternoon; its tickling had woken her as she'd napped in a tree. The idea had come to her to use the spider as a prank on somepony and, as soon as she'd heard that Twilight was plastering walls out here, she'd decided to use the old “spider on the wall” joke.
With the help of a particularly juicy looking horsefly and an anti-magic potion from Zecora, she'd snuck into the house and planted both fly and spider while Twilight's back was turned; then retreated to the bush and waited.

“Rainbow!”

Uh oh. The trouble-making pegasus brought her laughter under control and looked towards the sound of Twilight's voice. The purple unicorn was stood in the doorway looking pretty angry. She was breathing heavily and there was a...look about her that Rainbow didn't quite like.

“Are you responsible for this?!” Twilight seethed.

“Oh hey, um, Twilight,” Rainbow struggled to figure out a way of getting herself out of trouble. “Spiders, huh? One giant pain in the flank, am I right?”

“You are, aren't you?” hissed Twilight.

“Ulp! Gotta go!” The pegasus bolted off, wings carrying her fast and low to the ground.

“Raaaaaaainbooooooow! No you don't!”

* * * * * *

The residents of Ponyville would speak of that day for months to come. Shoppers in the main square would recall a bright rainbow coloured blur, yelping as it streaked by; pursued as it was by a somewhat slower, but equally blurry purple form, spouting bolts of purple lightning and obscenities.
The two shapes whirled around the square, knocking over stalls, ponies and generally causing a ruckus. Anypony who tried to reach out and stop the madness quickly found themselves bowled over or zapped by the magical lightning.
But the strangest thing was the little rhyme interspersed with the cursing from the little purple blur. How did it go? Oh yes...

Spider, spider, it's not your fault
That Rainbow Dash acts the dolt,
What'll I do, I'll be quite frank,
I'm gonna KICK HER FUCKING FLANK!

END