It's Always Sunny in Fillydelphia
10:00 A.M. On A Sunday
"Snails, what are you doing?"
"I'm feeding the generator I hooked up the bar to."
"WHAT! Was was the Great and Powerful Trixie not informed of such a modification? How long have you been doing this for?"
Inside a damp, danky bar, Snails is using his magic to pour a canister of gasoline into a generator as Trixie and Snips look on disapprovingly. Once the canister was empty, the gastropod-marked pony looked at the other two. "With the price of electricity skyrocketing, I figured we'd save some money?"
Trixie grabbed the canister with her own magic. "You fool, gas is way more expensive then electricity!"
"See man, this is why you need to think things through for awhile, or at least talk to me, seeing as I'm the crew's brains." Snips spoke up.
Trixie let out a gasp. "Are you joking? You are most certainly NOT the brain's of this so-called "crew!"
"Now, this is why things haven't been working our for us." Snips explained. "All the great crews in history have followed a format. Brains." He continued, while pointing to himself. "Looks." He added, while pointing at Trixie, who allowed a haughty look to cross her face at this. "And Wild Card." He finished while pointing to Snails. "The reason stuff doesn't work out for us is because we don't follow that format."
It was now that Snails responded, mulling over the "Wild Card" label for a few moments. "Wild Card sounds pretty cool, but what do I do exactly?" He asked.
"Basically, just stand there looking crazy and unpredictable." Snips explained. "I could cut your hair all crazy like later for added effect."
Trixie, who had quickly allowed her position as "The Looks" to go to her head, chose now to speak up. "Alright, 'Brains', what do we do about our gas problem?"
Snips grinned at this. "OK, hear me out. For too long now, we've been getting plowed in the flank by gas companies, and oil companies, all the Manesulims overseas. So I say, we roll up our sleeves, oil ourselves down, and do a little flank plowing of our own."
Trixie raised her nose as a disgusted look appeared on her face. After a minute of thought, a similar look grew on Snails. Snips seemed to realized how they had interpreted his words, and quickly added. "Not colt-cuddling."
Trixie and Snails both let out a breath of relief at the vocal amendment. "So what do you have in mind?"
"We are gonna solve the Gas Crisis."
THE GANG SOLVES THE GAS CRISIS.
It's Always Sunny In Fillydelphia
The bar is currently deserted save for the three scheming ponies. Trixie is at the bar, working on explosive fireworks dangerously close to the flammable alcohol.
"OK, run this by me one more time Snips." Snails asked his friend, who was currently giving him a "Wild Card" haircut.
"First, we go down to the bank and take out a loan." Snips began.
"Should those boorish bank clerks deny us our loan, Trixie shall wow them with marvelous displays of magic!" The showmare exclaimed from the bar. "We will then use the money to purchase large amounts of gasoline."
"Then we store the gas in the basement, wait a year until the price skyrockets, then sell it for huge profit." Snips finished. "Gas crisis solved."
At that moment, a prancing pink party pony and a green and purple baby dragon burst in. "I keep telling you Pinkie, it's not a rape van, it's a spy van!" Insisted Spike.
"It is totally a dark and scary non-consentual party van, Spike." Replied Pinkie, who then galloped towards Trixie. "GUYS, GUYS, LOOK AT THIS!"
Trixie sighed as Pinkie Pie slapped a news paper on the counter near her fireworks. "What is Trixie looking at exactly?"
"In a couple of days Derpy is gonna donate all OUR money to some Manesulim cultural center, including all her gemstones!" Spike explained. "We're trying to work out how to get it back."
"Spike told me I could hold TONS of parties if we get all that money!" Pinkie added on. Then her eyes got big. "Help us out Trixie, pleeeeeaaaasssseeee!"
Trixie sighed. "First of all, our adoptive mother disowned us. Trixie would never have received that money anyways."
"NONONONONO! See, I had a plan to get rid of everyone and leave myself as the only surviving inheritor!" Pinkie explained as a psychotic look crossed her face.
Trixie narrowed her eyes. "Were you plotting to kill Trixie?"
Pinkie suddenly frowned. "...Nooooooo."
"Trixie shall pass on this matter. Trixie is busy." The unicorn stated, then resumed working on the explosives.
"Fine then!" Pinkie exclaimed. "Me and Spike will throw a party for Derpy by ourselves. Come on Spike!" The two left to do Celestia-knows-what. A little bit later, Trixie, Snips and Snails were finished, and also departed.
At the bank...
"What do you mean you will not provide the great and powerful Trixie with a loan?" Trixie exclaimed at the bank Earth pony.
"I'm sorry, but we typically only give loans to corporations and other business groups." The clerk responded.
"We'll see." Snips spoke up. "Snails, give 'em the wild card face." At the command, Snails began to curve his facial features into a face the two had designed at the bar. After a minute of scowling and gasping, Snails' "intimidating visage" had only transmitted the appearance of a pony in need of a restroom.
"Well, I am certainly going to reject your requested loan to purchase gasoline." The clearly unintimidated clerk spoke up after a minute of this embarrassing display.
Now it was Trixie's turn. "FOOLISH PONY, YOU SEEK TO DENY THE GREAT AND POWERFUL TRIXIE!" The showmare explained, hamming it up while subtly using her magic to light the fireworks. "BEHOLD MY MASTERY OF MAGIC!"
The ensuing light show succeeded only is causing a panic, igniting a few fires and tripping the automated sprinklers. The three decided to cut their losses and beat a hasty retreat from the burning bank, aided by one of Trixie's smoke bombs.
Meanwhile, Spike (clad in his cape, top hat and fake mustache) and Pinky were inside what was most certainly a rape van (it had the legal minimum amount of windows, all of which were tinted) outside a crappy apartment complex.
"Now, my sources tells me Derpy has moved into this crappy apartment." Spike explained.
"Since when do you have sources?" Pinkie asked. "Did you read the script?"
"No, I water boarded a pony." Spike replied.
"You threw a torture party for somepony?" Pinkie asked again. "Without me?"
"You bet your plot I did!" Spike exclaimed. "Wait, here she comes!" He exclaimed while pointing to a gray pegasus that clearly wasn't Derpy. It was hard to tell though, because Spike had tinted both the inside and outside windows. "Get some pictures, get some pictures!" Spike shouted while passing her a camera and gunning it.
The rape van slammed into the unnamed pegasus's car, before backing up and fleeing, the angry pony shocked at her misfortune.
The scene now shifts to a local gas station, where Snips, Snails and Trixie are pumping gas directly into a trash bag. "I can't believe Pinkie keeps her life savings in her sock drawer." Snips said.
"She's an investor now, she'll thank Trixie later."
This was working out for a bit, but then the station attendant rushed up. "Hey hey hey, you can't do that!" he exclaimed while wrestling away the pump.
"The great and powerful Trixie has paid for this gas fair and square, and she shall purchase as much as she likes!" Trixie responded with hostility.
"Snails, do your thing dude." Snips whispered.
Processing the command for a moment, Snails eventually whipped out a Zebbo lighter with his magic and lit a flame. "Back off or I will blow this place to kingdom come!"
Trixie abruptly extinguished the flame and re-addressed the attendant "Very well puny pony. Trixie will play your game."
The scene now shifts to a back alley where Snails is sucking gasoline out of the gas tank of their car with a rubber tube, then spitting it into a trash bag.
After a few minutes of this, Snails declared, through gasps for air "This isn't working."
"Trixie concurs. We're burning too much gas driving back and forth."
"Gas prices are rising to quickly for the plan, you're right." Snips spoke up. "The prices get higher every time we pull in."
"Plus, I have swallowed a fair deal of this gas during the transfer process." Snails added in.
"We need to re-coup our losses and make some money in the short term." Snips stated. "Luckily, I've got a plan.
"Trixie would like to return some gasoline, please." Stated the showmare inside the gas station, facing the same attendant who had dismissed them before.
"I can't do that." Was his response.
"You can't, or you won't?" Asked Snips.
The air was still for a moment. "Both."
Drawing on his last encounter with the attendant, Snails readied his lighter. "You have until the count of three or I burn this place down." This time, it was Snips who extinguished the flame. The pudgy pony then took his turn at intimidating the attendant
"You want to play hardball? OK, we can play hardball." He declared. "You're about to feel the slamming force of a free market economy. We're gonna hit you where it hurts!"
"Your dick!" Declared Snails.
"Trixie believes Snips meant his wallet." Trixie corrected.
Snips himself seemed surprised at this. "Yeah, his wallet. That's what I meant. Not his dick."
A little bit later, a stand had been set up outside, where the trio was trying (and failing) to sell gasoline like lemonade. "Explain to Trixie how exactly you are to going to calculate the price of the gasoline?"
"Well, it's very simple Trixie. I'm gonna pour the gas in and count how much they bought." Snails explained like it's the most obvious thing in the world.
"How do you intend to count a liquid?" Trixie asked, sending Snails into deep thought.
"Look, if we're gonna get anywhere, we need to attract customers, so I'm gonna blow some fireballs." Snips declared. "Snails, pass me the lighter." He received the lighter, and over the objections of Trixie (who didn't want anyone stealing her spotlight) Snips sipped a little gasoline, held up the lighter, and spit it out, creating an impressive display of pyrotechnics.
"Woah man, that was bad flank." Snails stated while grabbing the lighter. Trixie continued to object, but Snails blew the fireball anyway. His however, went directly into Snips, who feel to the ground, clutching his burnt head. The trio quickly loaded the injured pony and the gas into the car and left.
Meanwhile, Spike (still wearing the outfit) and Pinkie have broken into the not-Derpy's apartment, Spike carrying a baby monitor, Pinkie a bag of fertilizer.
"Alright, let's be quick, no telling when she'll be back." The baby dragon stated. "Help me hide this bug."
"Silly Spike, that's a baby monitor!" the party pony declared. "Pinkie's got a better plan! I'm gonna hide all sorts of decorations for a bomb building party, then call the cops! Derpy will be sent to jail to have a very special prison party with Buba and I'll get all her money as a reward!"
Spike narrowed his eyes at Pinkie. "You know, this has been bugging me for awhile. Were you planning on offing me, and then offing Trixie?"
"What? Don't be silly Spikey-Wikey." Pinkie stated, getting that crazy look, her eyes going separate directions as her mane began to deflate. "I never said I was gonna dunk you in acid!"
"You didn't deny it either!" Accused Spike.
"Oh Spikey-Wikey, why would I need to deny such a-uh, a ridiculous..." Pinkie's expression faltered as she could tell Spike was not convinced. "SoI'llfindaplace ?" She babbled while snatching the device and running as Spike glared at her with suspicion.
Meanwhile, Trixie and the two were at Snails' apartment, tapping a towel to Snips' burnt head. "OK, new plan..." Snips moaned in a pain-induced delirium.
"Trixie has had quite enough of your plans." The performer declared. "From henceforth, I shall be both the brains and looks. You shall be the muscle." Trixie then turned to Snails. "You shall remain the wild card. The brilliant plan of the great and powerful Trixie is one that offers a service nopony else offers: Door-to-door gasoline. Our first move is to steal Spike's rape van, as the leaking gas is ruining the interior on Trixie's car."
Snails, who had been listening silently thus far, suddenly burst with energy. "I'll go get us some disguises!" He declared. "That way the customers don't know who we are!"
"They already do not know the identity of Trixie!" Trixie pointed out.
"Wild card!" Snails declared as he left to get some disguises.
As the trio plans, Spikely-Whiplash and Psycho-Pie sit inside the rap van, listening to the baby monitor. "I can't believe this pony has been watching golf for three hours!" Spike lamented.
"This pony's no fun at all!" Pinkie added on.
"Hey, is that a baby monitor?" The static-y voice said, and Spike quickly turned off his device to avoid incriminating himself.
"This is your fault Pinkie, why couldn't you hide it better!" Spike spat accusingly. His glare intensified, however, after a look of realization crossed his face. "This is a set up, isn't it? THIS WHOLE THING IS A TRAP!" He declared while throwing open the back doors and walking out.
"Spike, come back!" Pinkie called out, galloping after him.
"Oh no, you're in cahoots with Derpy, trying to rub me out!" Spike accused. "Don't lie to me Pinkie, I have ways of making you talk!"
Just then, towel headed Snips rushed out and climbed into the rape van and hit the gas. He eventually made a getaway after ramming a few cars, amidst Spike's cries of "That Manesulim is stealing my van!"
A short while later, Trixie and Snails (now clad in a plow harness and stetson) were standing on the porch of the elderly Granny Smith. "Hello ma'am, the great and powerful Trixie (and company) has come to grace your life with an incredible offer!"
"See, we're just a couple of oil pony's up from the Mohoofve desert seeking ta' give yeh what yeh want." Snails added in a terrible southern accent, earning a glare from Trixie.
"Trixie has come to offer you and your community a cheap and immediate supply of gasoline." The showmare continued.
"Hell yeah, we're looking to fill you up!" Snails continued. "You see, we've got just what you need, and we don't take kindly to the word no. So don't make me bring my associate over here to convince you over wise." Snails added while gesturing to the burn up Snips still in the van. "So, can we fill you up?"
After a sustained pepper spray blast to the face, Snails and Trixie fled back to the van and began driving away. Trixie ordered them back to the bar, stating it was too early to sell the gasoline.
Back at the back, Spike, still in his top hat and cape getup, had Pinkie tied to a table and was water boarding her in the bathroom sink. "Admit it! Derpy Hooves is a terrorist, and the two of you are trying to rub me out in order to keep the gemstones to yourself!" he demanded.
"OK, OK, it's all true, I'm a terrorist!" Pinkie replied after another burst of water. Just then, Trixie walked in. "Trixie, Trixie, help a pony out here!"
"After you planned to kill Trixie? Trixie does not think so." She stated while moving to a different sink to wash her hooves. "By the way Spike, Trixie suggests you get the gas pedal in that rape van checked out. Snips slammed into three cars."
"Wait, you guys stole my van?" Spike asked. "I thought it was some Manesulim?" Just then the towel-headed Snips walked in with Snails, explaining Spike's mistake. Realization dawned on Snips' face.
"You guys, I got it." He declared. "SPIKE is the muscle! I'm the brains, Trixie's the looks, Snails is the wild card, and Pinkie is the useless chick. Now all we gotta do is stick to this formula, and we'll be swimming in gems in no time!" Snips finished with a grin.
Things were silent for a moment. Spike broke the air by asking "Where do we start?'
A little bit later, the full gang was tearing down Fillydelphia's streets in Spike's van, blaring the Ghost Nappa theme song as they went. "So first things first, we grab Derpy and take her back to the bar, where Spike will water board out a confession." Snips ordered.
"No problem." Spike declared.
"Then Trixie will take that confession to the police and use her amazing magical skills to get some reward money..." Snips continued.
"What do I get to do?" Pinkie asked.
"You keep being useless." Snips answered quickly. "Then we pay the electric bill and buy some more gas, 'cause I think that's a good idea..." Snips stopped when the brakes became sticky. "What's wrong with the brakes?"
The other passengers began to pipe in various suggestions, save for Snails, who was sitting quietly, at least until he burst out "I CUT THE BRAKES!"
"WHAT!"
"WILD CARD BITCHES! YEE-HAW!" Snails exclaimed before rolling out the van's back doors. Everypony else jumped out after a brief moment panicking when they realized the van would crash.
The out of control, gas laden van crashed into Not-Derpy's car, causing a massive explosion that destroyed both vehicles, causing Not-Derpy to rush out and cry over her lost vehicle, screaming into the sky "WHY IS SOMEPONY TRYING TO RUIN MY LIFE!"
"That's not Derpy, is it?" Asked Trixie, before leading the rest of the gang in a retreat before the police arrive.
THE END
A/N: OK, I saw my favorite episode of It's Always Sunny in Philadelphia and was compelled to pony-ize it. If the fan response is positive, I may pony-ize other episodes.