My Little Mashup

by Sozmioi

Rating: mature
Tags: Adventure, Sex, Profanity, Cheerilee, Discord, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Human, Main 6, Nightmare Moon, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Length: 57673

Nightmare Moon's return is aggravated by interference from extradimensional threats. Can a tourist tip things back into balance?

Nightmare Moon's return is aggravated by interference from extradimensional threats. Can a tourist tip things back into balance, or will he just make matters worse?

Major Crossovers: Babar, The Land Before Time, The Chronicles of Narnia, Final Fantasy 6

Despite the M:S rating, not clop.

Originally conceived when I read a monstrously bad fic while I had the 'anything bad can be done better' trope on my mind. So, it's a bit of a constrained writing exercise with some very peculiar constraints.

Published 2012-12-11 18:40:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-03-09 04:06:19 UTC

Sneezes

"Good morning." I squinted at the source of this unwelcome sound. "Ahem. I said, good morning!" A purple unicorn was right there, and a tiny dragon.

Yesterday, I had had some time to orient myself. Today I wasn't so lucky. "I suppose it is. Who are you?"

"I am Twilight Sparkle, princess Celestia's student, and this is my assistant, Spike. I am here to exchange knowledge of all sorts with you."

She said 'exchange', but I did most of the answering that day. The detailed circumstances of my arrival in Equestria. An overview of world history, with a little extra focus on Algeria, the kingdoms of the elephants and rhinoceroses, and my own home of the United States. A bit about science, glancing off of my specialty of computational evolutionary theory. They seemed to have a late 19th century level of science and technology. Oddly, very little appeared to be mass-produced.

Late morning, Rarity returned to fetch her things and go; I thanked her, and she thanked me. Spike thanked her, too, for nothing in particular. Twilight Sparkle thanked her for getting on the road, and I thanked Twilight Sparkle for the idea of taking a walk. On the way, I composed a message for the residents of Ponyville, thanking them for their hospitality, calling out individuals I remembered, and declaring my intent to return that way. Gratified, Rarity promised to deliver it, and we parted without further thanking anyone.

"Sounds like a nice town." Twilight Sparkle said ("With her in it, it must be.", commented Spike)

"It is, even relatively speaking. I heard that the next summer sun celebration will be held there."

"Oh! That's this weekend, and it's going to be one of the biggest - it's the thousandth year in our calendar."

"So I heard. By the way, do you know what happened a thousand years ago, that the calendar is based around?"

Twilight Sparkle blinked. "Aside from it being the first summer sun celebration? No, but now that you point it out, I guess there would be something. I'll ask princess Celestia when... Oh! I'm nearly late!" I had the impulse to follow her, but she could gallop faster than I can run. To my surprise, after a few minutes, I was summoned to the princess as well.

She was in a solarium, with Twilight Sparkle on a cushion at her right hand, and rhinoceros in a wide-brimmed hat and lumpy dress at her left. Now, this rhinoceros was a bit on the small side for a rhinoceros, but even sitting she was nearly as tall as me, which left her substantially taller than the princess even with the princess on a dais, and she positively towered over Twilight Sparkle.

Some pony at the entrance announced me, and withdrew. I bowed.

Celestia murmured, "Welcome again. You may sit with us." When I'd complied, she continued, "I believe you have not met Macidexia."

That name hit me like a brick. The plaques had claimed she was dead, but I'd be a fool to trust them. "Macidexia! What an interesting name. Is it common?"

The huge eyelids lowered slightly. "There has never been another Macidexia." That settled that. "I have heard of this United States of yours. A far-off kingdom," (at that I nearly choked) "with delusions of grandeur. Takes a side on everything. If it hadn't been for your ill-considered alliance with the elephants..." she let the implication drift.

I drew myself up. "There are certainly elements of our foreign policy I do not approve of, but our friendship with the Elephants is not among them. And we are hardly unfriendly with the rhinoceroses, you must admit." More like barely-mutually-aware.

"Peh. We do not need friends like you."

Princess Celestia, who had been listening with interest, cut in. "Macidexia, remember about bitterness."

The rhino recited, "Bitterness distracts, consumes, weakens. Replace it with resolve. Leave it behind with new aims. Grow out of it with lessons learned."

Princess Celestia went on, "Twilight Sparkle has had all day to speak with our guest. Do you have any questions?"

The rhino shifted. "No."

"Then would you prepare the tea? I would like to ask some questions myself."

Macidexia focused on her horns, producing an olive glow. A nearby tea-set floated up and over to a samovar. Leaves floated into to each cup, and hot water poured in. Macidexia was panting with effort as the cups floated back; the last landed with a slight bump in front of Celestia.

Celestia raised an eyebrow, saying, "Are you feeling well? You do not usually strain at that." Macidexia did not reply, but merely sighed very deeply and plumped her pillow, kicking up some dust.

Celestia took a sip. "As I was saying, Omar, ah... choo!" Golden sparkles burst from her horn. "My apologies. Omar, one thing that Macidexia related to me is your humans' comparative lack of magical abilities." She took a moment to stifle another sneeze, and took a bigger drink to settle it. Then she proceeded as if nothing were occurring. "None of you can fly, or use magic at all without tools."

"We are not naturally connected to it, no. We have looked into it, though, and understand" (ah-choo!) "some elements of it. We mainly make tools using the nonmagical natural laws. Some of these tools have become quite popular with the speaking animals. This includes tools that allow us to fly, even as far as the moon."

Celestia frowned. "Really? What did you find there?"

"Rock. A lot of rock. Spent a few days exploring each time, had to come back."

Celestia seemed aghast at first, until I realized she was rearing up for a collossal sneeze. She turned her head to the ground and blasted one out, the sparks from her horn left a golden haze in the air. "My, we must get that pillow cleaned... ah-choo!" This was smaller, but it added noticeably to the haze. "Anyway, your moon is not our moon. That much is clear. Excuse me." She stood up, but couldn't take a step without being bothered.

"Princess!" Twilight Sparkle put in, "Maybe we should step outside."

"Ye-CHOO!" She was driven back to her knees by the force of it, and the haze became so thick that I could no longer clearly see her. The hairs on my arms stood on end, and little lightning bolts began bursting out around her, sounding like a BB gun. "Help."

Twilight Sparkle rushed to Princess Celestia's side, focused for a moment, the tip of her horn glowing bright, and they vanished.

Macidexia laughed. "Well, little human. What do you think?" If there had been any doubt that this was no accident, her tone erased it.

"I think you've bitten off more than you can chew, again."

"What makes you say that? The princess is bleeding her magic away. In a few minutes she'll be harmless for weeks even if they can cure it, and the rest of her forces are no match for my minions. I know their defenses, and who's to stop me? You and your USA? The elephants?" She laughed. "You and your NIH and your NSF. If you were trying to stop me, well, it's too late now."

My funding agencies? Does she think I'm with the CIA or something? D'oh! "Oh, no, no. No." Crap. This is... well, not exactly my fault, but I did precipitate matters. The least I can do is sow confusion. "Hardly. When I return - or if I don't - we will be all over you. Good luck with that."

"What? Impossible!" Her front horn glowed olive and she said, "Try lying now!"

I suddenly had to word things very carefully - something was keeping me from simply lying like I just had. "No one has a higher rank of nobility from the United States than I do." (score one for the US constitution and her ignorance of it) "I know how I got here, and so do my contacts back in the land of the elephants." (though only vaguely and unreliably) "If you stop now, you can avoid appearing in front of the International Criminal Court." (And of course she can avoid appearing there if she doesn't stop, too)

Macidexia harrumphed, then laughed.

I didn't notice anything at the time, but of course, that was in the magic - for a part of her spell made me honestly believe each thing I had just said by its more straightforward meaning.

"If you know one thing about rhinoceroses, it's that we're stubborn. Controlling Rataxes was the hardest thing I've ever tried. Today, I haven't had to even exert myself. I'm not afraid of anything the U.S. would bring here. It's not like you could get an Icy Beam in here, or would if you could." Icy beam? ... ICBM. True enough, we couldn't, and wouldn't. "So I'm going to let you go, and tell them not to even bother. Watch."

The door slammed open, and six armored guards strode in - two pegasi, two unicorns, and two chunky earth ponies, all severe. As the two unicorns' horns lit up, one of the pegasi took off and said, "Macidexia, you are under arrest for assault on princess Celestia. If... oof!"

Out of nowhere, a flying green goblin creature had tackled the pony. All around, these and stranger, dreamlike creatures leapt from shadows too deep for such a bright room, and charged. The ponies fought bravely, but were compelled to retreat.

I took the opportunity to join them. More ghosts and spectres were crawling out and about, and behind me, the retreat became a rout. Ponies fled the palace by every exit, a rush at first, but then fewer and fewer. Oddly, the spectres did not pursue beyond the palace grounds.

I did not need to ask where Princess Celestia was - a nearby tower was emitting lightning bolts of increasing severity, and leaking a golden haze. Wondering how she was doing, and thinking that I was a state department official, I ran to it, along with some of the guards.

As we approached, Twilight Sparkle backed out of the door, her horn glowing fiercely as she shielded herself from the lightning bolts. She turned, dashed down the long spiral ramp, and was struck, knocking her off her feet. She didn't get up right away, so two guards and I rushed forward to help. Lightning struck the two guards as well, but I was able to get through, help Twilight Sparkle to her feet, and guide her down and away.

"Oooh." She shook and cleared her head. "Omar, the lightning seemed to avoid you. Even in the palace, it was only going for me, not you or Macidexia. Can you go up and see? If it starts hitting you, come right back down. I'll get Spike, too. If Macidexia made it pony-seeking..."

I looked up at the building. The golden fog was building up. "I... guess so."

I tentatively started up. At first I was nervous, but I saw that she was right: the lightning was reaching out and zapping ponies standing around the house, but aside from a weak static feeling on my arm-hair, I was untouched. I walked up into the fog, and eventually heard sneezing, and groaning. The fog made me nervous, so I held fast to the side of the house so as not to fall off the edge of the ramp. The door finally came up, and felt my way in. My hair, short as it was, now stood entirely on end.

I walked into the room, and nearly tripped over Celestia, sprawled across the floor. A sneeze nearly impaled my leg on her horn. She tried to collect herself, and said, "Omar... tell Twilight Sparkle... ah-aaah-sigh... to forget about..." a collossal sneeze erupted (I will omit further mentions of the dozen additional sneezes that interrupted this scene). "... this. Do her homework."

"What?"

"I said, she must do her homework. And she must make some friends."

"Umm, your highness, are you dying?"

A short laugh. "No. Over the next few days, she cannot afford to let Macidexia distract her. She must do her homework and make some friends. Can you tell her?"

"I can, but she won't be happy."

Princess Celestia grew somewhat cross. "Her princess commands it. No excuses, no delay, and no hints. Go."

I ventured down the ramp, and met Spike halfway up. He said, "How is she?"

"Not good. I have a message for Twilight Sparkle. I think it would be best if you got the message too."

"The same message? Don't you have it?"

"You'll understand when you have the message."

"Huh." He continued up, and I down.

Twilight Sparkle was pacing back and forth as I emerged from the fog; upon seeing me, she ran forward a little, but shied from a near-miss lightning strike.

I came clear before I answered her questioning - "What is it? How is she?"

"She is lucid. She... she told me to tell you that Macidexia is not your concern. She specifically commanded you to ignore her and focus on your homework and making some friends."

"You call that lucid?"

"She was very firm, and as collected as could be expected under the circumstances."

Twilight Sparkle said, "You must have misheard her. I'm her top student, the next most magical pony around. Who else can banish those creatures and deal with that poisoning witch? I'm not leaving the palace gr... eep."

I turned and found an officer of the guard staring at her very severely. "I'm sure we can handle this, little sister."

She fumed. "Yes, I suppose you can, maybe."

"And I'm equally sure that she is not simply trying to protect you."

"Do my homework? And make friends? Are you serious?"

Spike came up, huffing, and Twilight Sparkle rushed him. "Spike! You tell me what she really said."

"Well... Princess Celestia said we should go to Ponyville and not return for one week."

"Should, or..."

"Must. And also, you are to do your homework and make some friends."

Twilight Sparkle threw back her head and cried out, "Aaargh! Fine. I'll get my books. Spike?"

She dashed off, and Spike waddled after. The guard looked to me for a moment. "You appear to be our only contact with the Princess. We are preparing some scrolls for you to bring her. With these, she can relay messages to us through you, safely."

"She can't write in her condition, can she?"

"You'll see." So I brought up the scrolls. Princess Celestia read them with interest, and told me a few code words to tell the guard captain. I paused. "Princess, I have no trouble continuing to help this way, but there is something else I have to offer, that may be more useful."

Her eyes told me to go on.

"I am authorized to forge an alliance between Equestria and the United States of America." I've read that once an unsupportable belief is lodged in your mind, you can invent just about anything to justify it. Being under mind control doesn't help.

"So soon?"

"We tend to start more friendly rather than less, and look very negatively on coups and invasions."

After an especially long bout of sneezing, princess Celestia panted until she recovered, then said, "Your kind have very weak magic. How would you deal with this?"

"I have no idea." If I had had one, I'm sure I would have stuck my foot in my mouth. Maybe that would have been for the best.

Celestia went on, "We can handle it next week. Go."

I turned to go, but took a last look. She was in terrible shape, shivering, tears forced from her eyes by the shockwaves of her more powerful sneezes.

I fled a particularly powerful one, and delivered the message to the captain.

Tricks

An hour and three messages later, I was carrying a rope leader so a halyard could be set up, removing me as the choke point of communication. But as I approached, I heard laughter. Rushing faster, I found a bizarre creature standing over the princess - part antelope, goat, pony, lizard... It was a bit like Macidexia's demons, but much more so, and larger than either of us... and it turned to face me.

"My, my, my, what do we have here?"

I froze.

"It looks like you didn't run for the hills after all. Humans. So... deliciously... ah, but why should I give it all away? Who do you think I am?"

He seemed to actually be demanding an answer! I managed to get out, "Baphomet? No, wait. Baphomet had boobs. Umm.. 'Pantyhose' Taro?"

The chimera laughed. "Yes, as I was saying, delicious. I am Discord, and I do as I please. Chaos is what I like, and I'm good at making it. But what do I find after my little nap? More chaos than I really expected. A circle of demons around me, in the heart of Canterlot, breaking down my prison just by being themselves around each other! You're slipping, my dear. Want a hankie?" With a flash of light, he conjured one and offered it to her; she declined, and he tossed it over his shoulder, where it became a bat and flew away.

Discord waited for a fit to subside and went on, "You did catch me by surprise with those elements of harmony. And it didn't seem you used them up in the process, either. But... you could have broken them. Yes... I haven't seen any signs of your sister. Had a little tiff? Wisely kept it away from me, I see."

Celestia boasted, "We've come a long way in twelve hundred years, Discord. You will not find us so easily swayed."

Discord raised one eyebrow. "Is that so. Yet here you are. I barely have to do anything."

Celestia closed her eyes and thought, then opened, intent. "You really think so? A wager, then."

"Really. This is new. Go on! And stop sneezing. It's distracting."

He waved at her, and her sneezes halted. She did not acknowledge the favor. "For the next ten days, I do not alert anypony to your presence or issue orders that would interfere with you, or use any magic to stop you. At the same time, you limit yourself to affecting one earth or pegasus pony in Ponyville. Not one at a time - pick only one. Any work day in those ten days, if fewer than half of Ponyville attend work, and more than one in ten adult ponies in the town intentionally hurts somepony, you win. Otherwise, we do." What? I suppose, given what he is, he would have wanted to make ponies hurt each other anyway... but it still seems odd to aim him right at it.

"And what're the stakes?" He stroked his goat beard, intrigued.

"If we win, you will remain on Lonely mountain for ten years, and all of your magic is confined to that mountain. If you win, I will not use the elements of harmony against you for ten years."

"Ten years. Hmm. What's in this... for you? It almost sounds like you haven't got the elements of harmony at all."

"They are being prepared as we speak. I've been wondering what would happen to you if you had to sit on Lonely mountain all that time."

Discord frowned. "Ah. This is serious, then." He began thinking harder. "Your terms apply to him, too." He gestured insolently with his thumb-claw back at me.

Celestia cocked her head slightly as if he'd caught her. "Yes."

"And no declaring new holidays to keep me from winning. And no setting the sun early to cut a bad day short."

"There has always been a holiday on the fifth day, but the days after are open. I will keep day and night on schedule, if I am able."

Discord leaned close and sniffed. "Hmm. You are weak. Well, if you fall behind schedule it would just extend my mischief time anyway, wouldn't it? I think that covers it."

"Let's make this binding." She put forward a hoof, and her horn began glowing, just a little.

"Now, now, Celestia. You know how I feel about following the rules."

"I don't expect you to go by the spirit, just the letter."

"Oho, that's the spirit! You're on!" Discord took her hoof in his claw, then looked to me. "As I said, you too!"

I hesitated. Celestia said, "Omar."

Discord raised an eyebrow. "Omar! What an auspicious name."

Ignoring the comment, I put my hand on top. There was a sort of blink. Discord withdrew his claw, snapped his fingers, and vanished.

Celestia released her breath, and turned to me. "Now, Omar. Don't you think Ponyville could use some help?"

"Wait, what? Didn't you just say..."

"Only you don't see my wish as your command."

I figured out what she meant - she had just said the letter of the agreement was the only thing - I could choose to go or not. And to make that choice, I needed to understand. "But... what's the plan? Aren't a lot of ponies going to be hurt?"

She nodded. "Perhaps. Probably not. Being restricted to one pony, he will have to use indirect means. That will take time, and he will want to use most of it. Before then, Twilight Sparkle should be able to defeat him. Don't you think she could use some help with that?"

Ah. I guess that makes sense. "All right."

She seemed like she was about to say something further, but let out a sneeze was so powerful I regained consciousness a few feet from the ground, my fall arrested by two pegasus guards.

The captain approached me, concerned. "Is she all right?"

"Not worse. Just... tried something. It didn't work."

He could tell I wasn't being entirely truthful, which was unfortunate, because when I requested help going to Ponyville, I was denied - and indeed, all assistance from the guards dried up, except for getting directions.

Jail

I caught up with Twilight Sparkle an hour later, her head down, her rant at Spike long over.

I came alongside and slowed to match her pace.

"Don't tell me I'm not going fast enough." She hadn't even looked at me.

I regarded her. The last thing we want is Discord picking her. If she's a student of magic, she could cause a lot of damage. So let's delay her arrival on the scene a little. Of course if I'd known what 'earth pony' meant I would have realized that she had already been excluded.

I remembered that she'd kind of asked me a question. "No, not at all. So, what's the homework you've been assigned to do, that's so important?"

"Ugh. Important, it's not - not like Canterlot. Just mythology and a dash of history."

"Any chance the mythology is also history?"

"Does it matter? It's long gone anyway."

I backed off, and we walked for a time in silence.

Twilight Sparkle finally asked, "So, why are you here, if not to pester me?"

"Secret mission."

"Right. Why couldn't she send me on a secret mission?"

"She did. It was so secret, she couldn't tell you about it." I tried to say it with a straight face. It was tough.

"That makes no sense."

"She did say 'no hints'. Kind of suggests that there was something important to be found."

"That's a hint."

"Not much of one." But I realized she was right. If it was something she had to work out on her own, she really had to work it out on her own.

But in a minute she pulled out one of her books and began reading.

As night fell, it occurred to me to get a look at the sky. I was able to pick out some familiar constellations, but they were arranged all wrong - Orion was nowhere near Taurus, for instance. Libra, Aquarius, Gemini, and Capricorn were all clustered together in a square. I'd understand the stars being exactly the same. I'd understand their being completely different. I'd understand their being shifted a little here and there for parallax. I don't get the sky having had a cut-and-paste job done on it.

I was trying to figure out whether this degree of darkness was strong enough that I really ought to be seeing more stars, when I was shocked by a hiss. I looked down and found A) that we'd reached Ponyville, B) that it was in blackout, C) the hiss had come from Pinkie Pie, wearing a black outfit, hiding behind a cart. "Get down!"

I hit the deck without demanding explanation. She gestured over towards the center of town. "They're over there!"

I scooted over to join her, but Twilight stood her ground (well, crouched). Magic gathered in her horn and a searing light illuminated the road. I peeked under the cart, but there was nothing to see. She stood up straight again.

"No!" whispered Pinkie. "Hide!"

"What is it?"

She hissed, "They're from... the other side!"

"You mean ghosts? No such thing."

"No - the other other side! No lights!"

A pegasus pony came flying down the road, alighted next to the cart, and tapped Pinkie. "Tag! Off to jail!"

Pinkie fumed. "I told you, no lights!"

Twilight Sparkle relaxed and the light dimmed and died. "What?"

I guessed, "Capture the flag?"

"Better! Super Double-Annihilation Team-Hunter! It's even better than Double-Annihilation Team-Hunter!"

The pegasus idly tapped me. "Tag?"

"Sorry, not playing." As he led Pinkie off, I followed, and Twilight followed me, and Spike followed her. "So, I take it you haven't heard the news?"

"Nope! But did you?"

"What?"

"There's a new pony in town!"

"Oh. Who?"

"Her! With the hyuuge light. Hi there! I'm Pinkie Pie, and I welcome everypony who comes to Ponyville. What brings you?"

"I'm Twilight Sparkle. I'm here to do homework... and make friends." She incompetently forced a smile.

"Friends? Friends! I have friends." She swooshed up alongside and asked conspiratorially, "How many do you need?"

"Hmm. At least two... let's say three to be on the safe side."

Pinkie Pie stopped and put her head on her hoof in thought. "Threeee friends. Hmm. I'm not sure I can do three. How about twenty?"

"Twenty, sure..."

Pinkie Pie leaped up. "Jailhouse parrrrtteeeeee!"

Twilight Sparkle sighed. "All right then."

We finally arrived in the 'jail', which was the town school.

Pinkie called out, "Anypony here?"

A small "Yes." emerged from the shadows.

"Good! I mean, good that there aren't so many others on our side here. Still, it's not quite party atmosphere here yet. Hmm." She paced about, vacillating between wishing more and fewer ponies were there.

Twilight Sparkle sat down to read, shining a dim light focused on her book from her horn. I went to the board, seeing something unexpected: grad overbarred epsilon mu. The gradient of, what's that? The speed of light? Something like that. What kind of one-room schoolhouse is this?

My inspection was cut off - "Are you a dragon?" A squeal, and somepony - Fluttershy, was it? I'd hardly met her my first time here - rushed over to Spike. "Oh wow you really are a dragon! I've always wanted to see a dragon - a little one like you, not a big scary one. Can you talk?"

Spike was a little flattered at the attention until she got to that. "Of course I can talk. I can read and write, too...oo...."

Rarity strode in, and dusted herself off. "I do not think I shall play this game again. I'm not certain how you roped me into it, Pinkie."

"That's easy! I jumped up and down and sang outside your door until you agreed!"

"Ah, yes - why, Twilight Sparkle! What brings you to Ponyville? What a time to arrive. We aren't usually like this. In fact, we've never been like this before."

Never? That would be too much coincidence. How did this game start, then?

Twilight Sparkle facetiously replied, "It sure looks like you know how to have fun here, in jail."

Pinkie Pie helpfully put in, "She's here to do her homework, and make at least three friends."

Rarity asked, "Oh! Well, then, what are you reading? Is it interesting?"

"A bit of history, verging on myth. Nightmare Moon."

"A bit out of season, isn't it?" Meanwhile, Pinkie Pie snuck up behind Fluttershy and went "OooOOooh", but Fluttershy had seen her coming and was only minimally frightened.

Twilight Sparkle said, "Actually, no. I'm referring to her banishment, not Nightmare Night. The morning after her banishment was first Summer Sun Celebration, and is the beginning of our current calendar. It's odd that I only found that out this evening." She looked to me, as I'd asked earlier; I nodded acknowledgement.

Rarity said, "I didn't know she was an actual pony, let alone that she was banished. What's her story?"

So Twilight read the passage. When she got to the Elements of Harmony, I recognized the name from when Discord had mentioned it.

Twilight Sparkle paused. "Omar, you look like you'd like to say something."

But I couldn't say what I wanted - the binding agreement kept me from describing the circumstances of my learning that, and I couldn't think of a way to avoid it. "That sounds useful."

"Yeah, well, this volume tends to embellish on the details, and even if they're real, they're very old and very very lost."

"Or they're not so much things as states of being?" Does it count as a hint if it's wild speculation?

"Here's a picture. They look like things."

"Okay. Just a thought."

"So. Using the magic of The Elements of Harmony, princess Celestia defeated her younger sister and banished her permanently in the moon. The elder sister took on responsibility for both the sun and moon, and harmony has been maintained in Equestria for generations since."

"Point of order."

"Yes, Omar?"

"Is this supposed to be the princess Celestia I met?"

"Yes, it is the very same one."

"Waaaait wait wait. You mean to say that princess Celestia..." I began ticking off on my fingers: "is not only actually literally personally responsible for the motion of the fucking sun... and not only has she been holding her sister in prison on the fucking moon... but she is well over a thousand fucking years old?" The first of these had been bothering me since Discord mentioned messing around with the day/night cycle, but it hadn't been an opportune time to ask. And now that I thought back, they had implied that she was in excess of twelve hundred years old.

"Pretty much, yes, I think."

I was coming off of my mini-rant-question, but this piqued me for a moment. "You think?"

"Well, I don't know what you mean by 'fucking'."

I slowed more properly. "As in, how I'm using the word, or do you not know it?"

"I do not know the word."

I wasn't at all sure what to say. They all looked at me expectantly. Very calmly, I said, "'Fuck' is a coarse word denoting the act of mating. It is more commonly used as a particle indicating emphasis, and it can be used as a general placeholder for just about anything."

Fortunately, the calm way I explained the term separated the fact that it was foul language from the manner in which I had applied it to Celestia. If they had already known the word, I could have been in a fair amount of trouble.

Instead, Twilight Sparkle went full-out academic, furrowing her brow. "How odd. Why make that a ubiquitous idea? Or perhaps it's not meant to be ubiquitous. Do humans rely on social pressure to promote or depress reproduction?"

I thought for a moment to parse what she said. "Both. Control, anyway. But seriously, she controls the sun? Makes it go round?"

"Well, if not her, then who'd keep it going? We help out with the seasons, but..."

I couldn't help laughing.

"What's so funny?" Twilight Sparkle asked.

Pinkie Pie added, "Yeah? What's so fucking funny?" Then, "Did I do that right? Could I have some more examples?"

That helped me calm down. If Twilight Sparkle was right and there really was no need for such a taboo around here... "The Sun and the Earth are fucking huge, and we've got fuck-all that can do anything to them. If by some fucking miracle we did manage to do anything to help the seasons going, it would be to speed it up, which would be by bringing us closer, which would make it so fucking hot we'd be utterly fucked. Why would we fuck ourselves over like that? I suppose we could put some fucking huge mirrors at L1 or something to protect us. That's just begging for a clusterfuck, and even if we succeeded, it would still fuck up the animals and plants, who'd be left wondering, 'What the fuck?'."

Rarity winced. "Please stop."

"All right. Is the word bad after all?"

"It's bad where you come from. Also, I don't want to associate mating with horrible grammar!"

"Sorry. I will attempt to restrain myself."

Fluttershy timidly said, "Miss, could I ask a question?" - Twilight Sparkle nodded, saying "Please." - "Is Nightmare Moon the Mare in the Moon?"

"Of course n... wait. That's an interesting question." She levitated another book out of her pack. "Mare in the Moon. Dum de dum. Yes, the story sounds awfully simila... uh-oh."

Fluttershy squeaked, "What?"

"... Legend has it that on the longest day of the thousandth year, the stars will aid in her escape and she will bring about nighttime eternal. That's next week."

Rarity said, "Surely, that part is just a legend?"

"I was sent, in the middle of a crisis, to Ponyville, the site of the thousandth summer sun celebration to do this particular homework, and make friends. That's a hefty conjunction. Three of them and I might not notice, but all four? There's no way around it - Princess Celestia knows Nightmare Moon is about to escape. She knows that the Elements of Harmony are around here. I need to make friends to recover them and bring them to her." She took a big breath. "Does anypony have any clue where they could be hidden? Any really old buildings?"

Rarity said, "None older than a century."

Twilight Sparkle absorbed that and continued, "So they wouldn't be somewhere in town - assuming they were lost soon after the banishment. Any separate ruins around the town?"

Fluttershy said, "Not in the fields. I could ask the birds, but I don't think so."

Pinkie Pie took on a look of grim determination, "That leaves the fucking Everfree Forest." Shoot. She's using it like I did 'frell' for a while back in the day. She seems to think it's funnier than 'Belgium'.

Attempting to deflect her from excessive usage, I put in, "Or perhaps the Blue Valley, where I came from. It's not too far from here, just the opposite way from Canterlot."

Twilight Sparkle said, "Maybe. Is there a library or archive here, with local maps and histories?"

I nodded. "I know where that is." As soon as I'd said it I realized the last thing I wanted to do was drag Twilight Sparkle away from three potential friends. If I hadn't said that, I could have made her bring at least one of them with her.

Twilight Sparkle said, "Who's with me?"

They each hesitated. I was cursing inwardly, but then Rainbow Dash skidded up to the door and threw it open. "Game over. We won."

Pinkie Pie shouted, "All right! Sure, let's go." Fluttershy stepped up alongside.

Rarity sighed. "You believe her? Oh all right. I guess it would be a bit much of a coincidence."

Rainbow Dash looked more carefully. "Oh, hi, Omar. And... hi."

"I'm Twilight Sparkle. I'm searching for a powerful magical artifact that could save Equestria from catastrophe."

"And you took time out to play Super Double-Team Hunter-Annihilation? Yeah."

"I wasn't playing; I was gathering help."

Pinkie Pie put in, "She's super-powerful. Remember her fucking big light? That was her."

Rainbow Dash looked at her friends, and then to me. Fortunately we were all very serious. "Oh yeah, I remember her... 'fucking'... that... big light..." She realized from reactions that she'd misused the word somehow, and tried to move on to business. "What can I do?"

Clear Sight

As we approached the library, I saw a telescope mounted on its balcony. Though the ponies settled down to look up possible locations for the elements of harmony, I didn't even crack a cover, setting my - and its - sights on the moon within a minute.

Sure enough, it wasn't the same. The 'Mare in the Moon' did not take any imagination to make out - there was a clear unicorn profile right there. It was still fuzzy, though - bigger, and brighter, but not clearer than looking with my own eyes.

I tried to focus, but found that the image was shifting about as I changed focus - the telescope was astonishingly poorly aligned. To get an image at all, it had to be badly focused.

A few minutes later, it was mostly disassembled. I repolished the spotty lenses, and bent the frame back into shape.

That did make some considerable noise, which got Twilight to call up asking what I was doing. Fortunately, when Pinkie Pie chimed in, it wasn't to gratuitously add 'fuck' to the question, but to declare that she'd found it.

That gave me a few more minutes to make repairs.

When Twilight Sparkle came up, I had reinstalled the objective and was aligning the second lens. I made sure I had my best 'I know what I'm doing' air on, and it worked well enough that she didn't kick me right off. "Are you sure you know what you're doing?"

"I'm an astronomer."

"Really? I thought you said you were a student of life."

"Yes. I've been an amateur astronomer since I was nine. Built my own telescope last summer."

"So, you don't seem to care that we found out where the elements are."

"That's excellent, yes. Are we going for them tonight?"

"Why would we? We have a few days left, and I'm not allowed to go help back in Canterlot anyway." Her irritation at this restriction flared.

"Ah, of course." They only know about Nightmare Moon, not Discord, who could already be up to no good. "Well, in a few minutes..." I put the eyepiece in place, and checked it. Not too bad! "... make that moments, you can check out how Nightmare Moon is doing."

Closer up, the 'Mare in the Moon' looked like a bunch of craters. The moon itself didn't look much like our moon - so smooth outside the marked areas.

We passed around the view, and Twilight Sparkle showed us some more sky features that definitely didn't belong in Earth's night sky - or, as far as I would have said up until I saw them, any sky at all - some stars had five points, some had more. They came in all colors, not just thermal colors.

"Are you okay?" - Fluttershy.

"I... I'm not sure. I think I'll lie down."

Until then, I really hadn't really bought it, even though I'd acted on the supposition that it was in some way true. Celestia couldn't make the sun rise and set. The Mare in the Moon couldn't be, literally, a mare. But when I saw a pink seven pointed star come into focus alongside a green five pointed star, there was no way around it - I was way further into magical territory than I had thought. Cosmology didn't need to function here.

"Is it your stomach?"

I sat on the bed. "No. I've got... claustrophobia, almost. Your sky has so much less in it, and it's so much closer."

"Aww. It's still awfully far away." She sat next to me and I lay down on the bed.

I didn't really pay attention to what was next to that bed, so when my eyes refocused close I was rather shocked to have Pinkie Pie's ass in my face. Her tail was up in permanent excitement, and her legs were splayed, and... well, if my mood and the circumstances had been more conducive - and she'd been human - I would have found that to be a very nice view. But my mood and the circumstance were not conducive, and she was a fucking pony.

I winced harder than I'd ever winced before, and rolled over hard. After a moment, I'd tamped down my distress. "Go." I told Fluttershy. "Enjoy your cute little sky." I meant it. She went.

~~~~

In the morning, I felt much better. The full sky was still out there. It just wasn't right here. That was always true anyway.

Then I realized I was sharing a bed with Spike. It was big enough bed that I hadn't noticed. I got up and found that the gang had mostly dispersed - Twilight Sparkle was the only other around, reading more. Pinkie Pie and Rarity had work; the other two had gone ahead to check out the ruins.

I explored and tried to find incipient chaos. Nothing extraordinary popped up. Notably, no one seemed at all aware of the emergency in Canterlot. It was as if it wasn't happening. They could be withholding the information to keep Twilight from getting distracted, and perhaps to limit Discord's information. I wish I knew, but I guess I'll have to do without.

After my first sweep, I saw Rainbow Dash and Fluttershy returning from their expedition. Rainbow Dash put down a sack in front of the library, and they landed next to it. In her impatience, Twilight Sparkle teleported down from the balcony to meet them.

Rainbow Dash told her, "Is this one? There are four more like it back at the ruins."

Twilight Sparkle looked in the bag - it held a pair stone orb imprinted with a gem symbol. "That's... something, but it doesn't look like the real thing. Are you sure this is it?"

"There was a big stand, and it had 5 spots with things like this."

Fluttershy put in, "We thought we'd bring what we could. In case it was some of what you were looking for."

Twilight Sparkle sighed. "Yeah, it is, and that was the right thing to do. It is perplexing. You said the stand had 5 arms?"

Rainbow Dash equivocated. "Well. 5 spots around the outside with these things, and one more in the back with a ball built in, and one big ball built into the middle."

"Hmm. That does sound like it. Well, now that you know where it is, how about you lead me there, and I can take a look. Maybe it was just a statue, and the real elements are hidden inside."

Pinkie Pie suddenly appeared and put in, "That's why my chin was tingling! I can go and help look! I'm good at searching!"

"Of course, I meant us. I would love to bring all of my friends along." She emphasized it a bit too strongly. She wasn't exactly being insincere, let alone sarcastic like it would have sounded coming on fresh ears. I interpreted it as her being very aware that she was experiencing a conflict of interest in respect to making friends.

Fluttershy said, "I think we should bring Applejack. She's strong, and there could be some things to move. And Rarity finds really beautiful gems all the time. I'm sure she'll find the real elements."

Twilight Sparkle said, "Good idea. Do we have everything we need?"

Pinkie Pie said, "Cupcakes!"

Rainbow Dash warily asked, "Your special cupcakes?"

"Nope, ordinary cupcakes, by Mrs. Cake."

"Good."

I was pretty sure I didn't want to know what that was about.

As they set out to get Rarity and Applejack, Twilight Sparkle noticed I wasn't moving. "Coming, Omar?"

"No, I've got some things to do here. Remember, I wasn't really here to bug you."

"Oh right. Secret mission. Good luck with that."

"Thanks. I'll need it. Good luck you all of you too."

So then it was me vs Discord. He surely knew I was about, and I didn't have much to work with. I went to the Cakes' bakery. It was as good a place to start as any. Mr. Cake was at the counter. "Can I help you?"

"Maybe. Do you know where the idea for that game last night came from?"

"I didn't really follow that, but I heard a bunch of kids clamoring for it. Schoolkids."

"Hmm. Thanks. Also, what's an earth pony?"

"One with no wings, no horn, like me."

"Ah. Okay." So Twilight Sparkle is exempt from selection for Discord's direct influence, as is Rarity.

"Want something to eat?"

"Just ate. No money anyway." My last three meals had been supplied by the ponies now out on their expedition as we'd been camping out in the library. I was going to need a new source of food - I was down to two homemade helouwa in the breast pocket of my windbreaker. And I needed a pretext for talking to people. Going shopping would work, but I didn't have money. Hmm.

Grandma's recipe was still fresh in my mind - and then I realized it was also fresh in my breast pocket. I turned back to Mr. Cake and pulled out a cookie. "Say... why don't you try this?"

Five minutes later, I had a cash advance towards delivery of a starter order of three dozen helouwa, and he had an exclusive distribution agreement. As I went shopping for the ingredients, I kept an eye out for trouble.

So, the kids were the source of that game. Any one of them could have heard it from anyone. But it's worth checking out. And... the math I saw last night. I'll definitely head over to the schoolhouse - later, when class isn't in session.

After a cool drink and face-wash at the fountain, I looked up and found myself alone in the street. Everything was closed, and no one was about. Discord's making his move. My body wanted to get ready for a fight - that wouldn't help at all. I focused on calming down and finding out what was going on. One pony hadn't left. Well, not exactly a pony - a zebra, standing in the middle of the square, scratching the ground with a forehoof, her anklets jangling. She's a little creepy, but she's doing so little, if everyone's afraid of her, it's either pony-affecting magic like the lightning, or a conditioned response. If the latter, then she probably has nothing to do with Discord.

I got up, and she spotted me. I waved, calling out, "Hi there." She walked toward me, and I met her halfway. "Hello. I'm Omar."

The zebra introduced herself, "Zecora is my name. I'm glad you came."

"Can you think of any particular reason everyone would be afraid of you?"

"It is just that I am strange. They may fear change."

"Well, I'm far stranger, right?"

She tapped the ground pensively.

I suggested, "Maybe it's some sort of uncanny valley thing."

"Or these ponies are silly, no wiser than any filly."

"So, what brings you in to town?"

"There were some things I wished to procure. I suspected this response, but wanted to be sure."

I considered the options. She seemed an unlikely choice for Discord, because she wasn't at all pivotal to the community. If I brought matters to a head, he would have plenty to work with.

"What do you need?"

"Fine iron filings - one pound. And a pot of glue. Look around."

"If you leave now, I can get that with no trouble. We can meet out of town. I'll try to talk some sense into them. It could take some time." Especially since I'm not going to start until the Discord situation is resolved. I feel really rotten prioritizing like this, but racial tensions have this way of bringing out the worst in people. We can leave it latent for just nine more days, right? I hate to kick it down the road, but this is a lousy week for it.

"At the bridge we can meet. I can pay - bring a receipt."

"I will."

School

I made it to the schoolhouse just a few minutes before the class letting out for the day. I listened for signs of advanced mathematics, but only heard grammar drills.

A few copies of the new school newspaper were sitting on a stump near the door, still warm off the press; I picked one up. The headline was 'Whole town joins in game'. Since this was my main lead, I read what they had found intently.

The newspaper did indeed indicate the origin of the game as being an invention of one student, Scootaloo, improving it from 'traditional' sources. Okay, and who popularized it? I'm sure kids have proposed games before, but Rarity said this was a first.

Towards the end was the detail I was hoping for - the teacher, Cheerilee, had encouraged some adults to join, after which it had grown greatly. And another game was planned for this evening?

The sidebar indicated the rules. It was, as I'd guessed, based off capture-the-flag. There were two flags for each side, and secret agents on each side... I lost interest once I'd ascertained that fouls were indeed properly covered. It doesn't seem like a great vector for encouraging sports violence. Hockey would be more worrisome, or soccer, or... uh-oh.

The facing page gave a response from certain adults, calling for more traditional games like soccer. Odd. I entered via a land oscillating between Africa and Europe, but they use the American term.

School abruptly let out, and I watched the schoolfoals exit in a stampede. Once they were past, I stuck my head in and found Cheerilee. She was sitting at her desk, reading papers. She looked up and blinked. "Why, hello, Onar! I didn't expect to have you drop by!"

I realized I hadn't worked out a pretext. "My name is Omar, actually." Her eyes widened, perhaps from embarrassment. "I was wondering..." I couldn't ask about the game right away, there would be no cause. Oh right! The board! "Well, last night I saw some math on the board that I kind of recognized."

She smiled. "Of course. I certainly hope you'd recognize any math we're doing here."

"Really. Like... the gradient of overbarred epsilon mu?" I snagged some chalk and wrote that on the board. "If an arbitrary adult around here is expected to understand that, color me impressed."

"Oh, that." She sheepishly smiled. "It's nothing."

"Why hide it?"

"I'm a teacher. What use would I have for..." she drifted off.

"For vector calculus and nonlinear optics?"

"... right." She looked down.

"Do you need to need it? If you find it interesting, great. I'm studying quantitative evolutionary biology, but I follow other fields. I'm an amateur astronomer, for instance. Fixed up the telescope in the library."

Cheerilee looked up happily. "Did you? I tried my hoof at it my first year here. So, about the math. I was just remembering what it was like to be a student, so I got some books that would push me. To hold on to the feeling."

"That's a great idea! Now that you point it out, my older teachers were mostly worn down, bored and boring, but one kept up with her field and she was lively." Even though I was agreeing, I still got the impression she thought I'd 'caught' her and was devising an excuse.

Fortunately for the conversation, my mention of other teachers changed the topic to something less touchy, and we talked for a long time about education, funny things teachers and students have done, curricula, the foundations of number theory (I was careful to avoid any implication we were doing anything erudite).... She was at home in this subject much more than I'd have expected any of my grade-school teachers to have been. She didn't offer anything of her own - probably still too reticent on the subject - but she was following me easily. Is it... socially unacceptable to seek higher education, or something? Am I breaking a taboo that she also secretly breaks? That seems unlikely, unless she ends up swearing me to secrecy or something. Or if she's Discord's agent, and he wants me to out her. But how bad could it really be?

That line of thought began to give me a headache. I broke off, trying to get tactical. Cheerilee was still a suspect for promoting that game. What could I do to draw Discord out?

But I didn't think of anything, and she said. "Oh my, look at the time! I have to grade this homework!"

A glance at the clock - we'd been talking for two and a half hours. I was suddenly reminded of my first girlfriend. She'd had much the same reaction after we first had our 'hey you' moment that had lasted three hours, only she had had to do the homework.

"I'm sorry for taking your time." ... since I couldn't even get to the point. Shoot.

"Oh, don't think anything of it."

My stomach growled, and I turned to go. As I stepped out, her stomach growled too.

I dropped by the bakery and checked in on how the helouwa were selling. We were down to two, from thirty-six. I asked for my share of the proceeds, bought the last two, and headed back to the schoolhouse.

"Sorry for making you miss dinner too." I handed her the nut cookie, and she nervously smiled. Back off a little, Omar. "Good night."

With some relief, she said, "Thanks, Omar. Good night."

I exited as graciously as I could, picking up the newspaper on the way out. Okay. So, what have I got? She seems... well, I don't think Discord would have let her hang around me for close on three hours with such a good excuse to get away. And there she is, still grading. Unless she's grading to cause confusion, it's not her. What leads might I have?

I couldn't think of a thing, and my mind kept coming back to Cheerilee. She was either even more knowledgeable than she was letting on, or very quick indeed. Her cutie mark hadn't stood out as intellectual, really - though I couldn't remember what it was. And at this point, I didn't think it wise to go back and check... or... a quick glance back through the window: a trio of daisies. Yeah, not exactly higher mathematics. Huh.

I returned to the library and sank onto the bed, wondering what Discord could be up to.

"Constraints breed creativity, you know."

I turned, and found Discord leaning against the wall.

"What?"

"Constraints breed creativity. It was hard work, but I've set things up to go crazy in three days. I don't even have to do anything else, and there really isn't anything you can do to stop it. After all, you just talked with the one I touched, for two hours, and didn't notice a thing. All Celestia's cleverness with the rules was for naught."

"So the game was you."

"The first one was me. The second one, incidental. But what are you going to do with all this I'm telling you? I warn you, the only way to not make things worse is to do nothing. You won't be able to do that, will you?" He chuckled, then let it grow to a full laugh, then disappeared in a puff.

Well, shit.

Calm down, Omar. What I know now is that Discord wants me to believe that Cheerilee was his pick, and that there's some convoluted plan that will hatch in three days. Which is... the first working day after the summer sun celebration. That's kind of what I'd been assuming anyway. But the rest is just to throw me off, get me to second-guess myself. There's no way his plan is so stable that literally nothing I can do will disrupt it.

Loyalty

I could barely sleep. There was a serious chance that Discord was telling the truth and Cheerilee was his target.

What would I do if I were him, and I'd picked her? Children. Do something to the children, so they begin acting up. No. They couldn't act up enough to win. They need to get their parents and families to act up. Getting at a family through its children is very powerful. What should she do, that would get them to explode?

My mind recoiled from the notion that Cheerilee could be abusing the children. I immediately devised rationalizations: Abuse typically shows as depression, and those kids looked happy enough. How would he time it to come out in three days?

I recognized those objections as coming from rationalization instead of a search for the truth, so I slowed down and criticized them, devising plans that would force things to come to a head in 3 days. But those seemed even weaker than the rationalizations, so I tentatively accepted that Cheerilee wasn't abusing her students, and even more tentatively accepted that she wasn't the target at all. Which left me with no leads, unless I could pin the game on someone else.

And why the rationalization in the first place? As I'd anticipated, I was moving past liking, and was beginning to be infatuated with her. It was a disease I knew well. For the next two or three days, it would take all of my effort not to declare undying love to her. Recalling previous embarrassments could help against that. And the major distractions caused by Discord and Nightmare Moon.

The sun rose (somehow - did Celestia not actually have much in the way of active intervention in its daily motions after all?), and I dragged myself out of bed. It was earlier than I would have normally woken up had I actually been sleeping, but I just felt awful. I went searching for quarter of an apple pie I remembered, mocking my shamble by murmuring 'braaains'.

Once the pie had been thoroughly devoured, I washed my face. That felt a bit better. The library didn't have a proper bath or shower, but the bathroom did have a draining floor, so I stripped and improvised a shower, handful at a time.

Done, I lay down. Cherilee came to my mind again, and I imagined what she might do - go back to school, become a great mathematician or scientist. With me at her side... and in bed. This time, the notion was not repulsive. The mechanics of this notion were not obvious, and I found myself exploring the possibilities...

Rainbow Dash landed on the balcony and trotted in. "Hi, Omar. Hey, you look funny without your clothes on."

I nodded stiffly. She didn't seem to be mortified at my erection, so I wasn't going to overreact. Oh right. Equestria's being one huge nudist colony apparently applies to me too, even if I had no intention of taking up that option.

"Anyway, we wanted to let you know that we're coming back, and... Something to do with just needing a spark. Know anything about sparks?"

I managed another nod. I knew a little bit, and it was a little nod.

"Great." She waited.

I managed to get my mouth working as I sat up. "So, sparks are when electrons get all bunched up at one place, and there are fewer somewhere else, and there's an air gap between them, and the field gets high enough that they jump across. Basically, little lightning. Assuming that electrons exist here, which is doubtful."

"Hmm. Know any others?"

"Outside of Girl Genius, no. Well, wait! Inspiration. The beginnings of a feeling. A minor disturbance that starts a cataclysm." I felt like I was reading the summary of a tarot card.

"Well, our girl genius is having a tough time with this one. The only cataclysm we're getting is the backlash from her not getting that sixth stone. She fucked over a mountain trying to get that sixth one to appear."

I hadn't really taken Twilight Sparkle's claim of being 'the second-most magical pony around' seriously until then, but it came back to me. I was about to inquire when Rainbow Dash clarified, "The mountain was almost ready to fall over on its own. But still. Celestia, that girl's loaded. Anyway, they're heading back. Hope the spark will come when we need it, because tonight's the big night."

"Yeah." And Discord very likely doesn't know about Nightmare Moon. How can I use that against him? It was very irritating that I couldn't tell anyone about him.

I wandered through the day, trying to find some handle on Discord, and wondering what could be done about Nightmare Moon. I felt totally helpless. It was toward the evening that I remembered that I could talk about Nightmare Moon. I was about to warn someone when I realized several things. First, I would not be believed. Second, it would alert Discord, ruining any element of surprise against him. Third, it wasn't really my place. Twilight Sparkle hadn't told anyone... or had she?

I went to the town hall and scouted it out. To be polite, I helped Rarity set some things up. Since Celestia sent Twilight Sparkle to Ponyville and told her to remain here, she expects Nightmare Moon to appear in Ponyville. And if she appears in Ponyville, is there anywhere more appropriate than the Summer Sun Celebration? I kept an eye out for strategic locations - bits of cover, possible weapons - but I knew if Twilight Sparkle was capable of knocking down mountains, there probably wouldn't be much I could do.

"Any news from Canterlot?" - Twilight Sparkle had just come alongside as I was struggling with draping a ribbon, Rarity having arranged the other forty-four with magic.

I gave up on it and got down from the step-stool. "No news - not really. No hint that there's an actual emergency, but they do know that the princess is ill and is sending a stand-in, princess Agnes."

"Ignes. And I've had nothing from Spike." She lowered her head. "It's all on me, and I can't make a spark to save Equestria." After a deep sigh, she intoned, "Fuck."

Pinkie Pie jumped out at her in a shaggy black mask. "I'm Niiightmare Mooon!" Then she fell back laughing.

Twilight sat down and sighed. "Pinkie, how can you be silly at a time like this?"

The rest was a song and dance number.

~~~~

When midnight struck, things went well for the first minute. Princess Ignes proudly announced that the sun would soon be rising on account of blah blah that I didn't hear because I just knew something would happen. And it did.

A violet-tinged black lightning strike landed directly in front of the podium, leaving a cloud. It gathered inward, revealing a pony as large as Celestia. She was just as violently black as the lightning, with violet accents.

Nightmare Moon merely nodded, and Princess Ignes fainted.

Then Nightmare Moon turned and taunted, "Oh, my beloved subjects. It's been so long since I've seen your precious, little sun-loving faces."

I glanced over to the unobtrusive side where the six had gathered. They were trying. And nothing was happening.

The Mayor cried, "What is the meaning of this? Who are you?"

"Do you not remember the very family of your doting princess? Have you forgotten the night completely? Or just me - are there no legends of my pursuit of justice?"

When no one said anything (Twilight Sparkle surely would have out of sheer pedantry had she not been trying to draw a spark out of the elements), Nightmare Moon roared, "Speak!"

My nervousness over the previous few days paid off - the panic of the crowd didn't touch me. This was the moment I'd been expecting - and no more than what I had been expecting. Over the stampede, I saw Twilight Sparkle. There was a definite glow about her - something was happening, now.

But as the room emptied, it got harder and harder not to notice them. And they didn't look entirely ready.

How could I distract Nightmare Moon? It was stupid to try. And the means I settled on were even stupider. But when I reached out for the need to distract, what flashed into my head was the end of Slayers Next - where a major distraction had been moderately effective. And so I jumped up on the abandoned DJ's table and began to 'cast' the Dragon Slave:

Darkness beyond twilight,
Crimson beyond blood that flows,
Buried in the flow of time,
In thy great name I pledge myself to darkness!
Er.

It sure was distracting: it totally threw off the ponies I was trying to cover. I stopped right there, but it was too late. Maybe if I had managed to finish it and do the wiggly thing with my hands I would have made a fool of myself but they would have understood that I wasn't gleefully betraying them.

Their unity of will broken, they ran. Very sensibly, I might add.

And so I was left there standing on the table, watching my friends exit with great haste, while Nightmare Moon looked on with dreadful interest.

My bravery only went so far. Now was a great time to play along with the mess I'd just put myself in, so I dropped to one knee and bowed as low as possible on the table.

Nightmare Moon was large - up close, I realized she was larger than Celestia. She was no pony, but a mid-sized horse. She stepped up to me, her frosty breath tickling my hair.

She regarded me carefully, drew her breath, and pronounced: "A willing subject? I can smell the night on you, yes!"

A long pause.

Quieter, meaner: "I smell Celestia on you as well." Then, in a booming roar: "Guards! Ensure his loyalty!"

She exuded a mist and walked past the table as if there was nothing I could do to her. And I really couldn't - she was terrifying. Out of the mist stepped two armored pegasi.

I got down from the table to face the two guards as the door opened and shut for Nightmare Moon. Ensure my loyalty? What can that mean? Whatever it is, it's going to be something I would really rather not do. And the less convincing I am, the less pleasant. Act, Omar, act!

Did I just think that? Yes. Yes, I did.

"So, whose cock do I suck first?" Point of order: these are presumably not royalty, so their life-spans aren't all that extended. Were they frozen in time or something? Pact with the devil for immortality? Answer: get back to acting!

Up to now, the guards had been practically pulsing with malice, but this threw them off. I capitalized on their confusion, continuing, "You've been stuck on the moon, alone with your mistress, whom you're totally devoted to, and is the pinnacle of female perfection, but you absolutely can't touch, for a thousand years. So I'm pretty sure you've got some tension going on. I can help."

If they'd been human, I could have put a hand out, but they kept their equipment to the rear... so I patted the DJ's table invitingly.

"Look, what did you have in mind? Kill the prisoner or something silly like that? What good would that do? Wouldn't even prove my loyalty - she's my natural enemy anyway. Plus, her majesty must have kept her alive for a good reason. If she comes back to find her dead... hoo, I wouldn't want to be behind that. So how about it? Clearing your mind of this is going to be the best thing I can do for you now."

They whined, and whinnied, and tentatively approached. To my simultaneous relief and trepidation, they put their forelegs on the table.

I proceeded with an enthusiasm that I hoped appeared and felt sincere. They sure were... vocal in their appreciation. I'm not even sure what happened in the end; I woke with a bump on my head.

Warpath

I was in a thick violet mist - thicker than it looked. My head still hurt quite a lot, and I rolled onto on my knees with my head on my hands, in pain strong enough that the obvious questions didn't really occur to me: where were the guards, where was Nightmare Moon, why didn't I have a terrible aftertaste, and what was this violet mist?

Speaking of which, I found it was gone, and Nightmare Moon was standing there. I took my hands from my head and rose to face her, then realized I should be supplicating, so I bowed and returned to my knees. I suddenly became self-conscious about what she thought of what I had just done... whether she even knew it had happened.

She said nothing, and I waited.

In a merely loud voice, she declared, "The ponies of this town refuse to love their new leader."

Her booming voice returned. "What is thy name?" 'Thou'? Eeenteresting.

"Omar, your majesty."

"Inauspicious."

What is with people around here and my name? "I didn't pick it, your majesty."

The voice declined somewhat. "How comest thou to reside in Equestria?"

"I came by way of the Blue Valley. I have not been here long." I am extremely glad that the brain bugs Macidexia had forced on me were not fully integrated into my consciousness when out of context, so I didn't make up some harebrained and complicated response to this question.

The voice dropped to merely loud. "Our sister was surrounded by a shield of lightning." And now the royal 'we'. She hadn't been using it so far. "How do we penetrate it?"

I can penetrate it. But that would raise questions I do not want to answer, and it doesn't really answer her question. "I do not know. I do know she is ill on account of it. It was inflicted upon her by a rhinoceros-witch named Macidexia who wormed her way into her inner circle, betrayed her, and assumed control of Canterlot palace." If I can set them against each other, that'll be one less threat to deal with. With luck, Macidexia has specialized in defeating pony royalty and they take each other out.

"Intolerable! To arms!" the mists began to rise once more.

The door slammed open, and... Cheerilee? The mists fell as Nightmare Moon looked on, bemused.

Twilight and the gang were close behind her. "Honesty! Kindness! Laughter! Generosity! Loyalty! Love!" The stones glowed, but dimmed.

I looked back to Cheerilee. She had let the others take the lead, but was looking to me hopefully and fearfully. I winked, and she smiled. Now, again - is this her rallying them to save me because unlike them she has (largely unjustified) faith in me, or is it Discord rallying the team to get rid of a threat? Suddenly I felt dirty for suspecting her considering what I'd just done.

Nightmare Moon laughed contemptuously. "You really don't understand them, do you?"

Twilight scowled at her. "What do you know about harmony, princess of darkness?"

She started with fierce (but not sarcastic) condescension, and rose to full-on boomed rant: "My darling foe, I myself used the elements of harmony. We defended the realm together, my sister and I, until she turned greedy. Had to have it all. Do you know why she sent you to use those? Because she isn't worthy of them!"

She quietened, and added a bit of honey as she addressed Twilight Sparkle directly: "Your star - you are a creature of the night just as I. Come with me to Canterlot and we can cleanse the realm of this interloper Macidexia my sister is too weak to deal with. Once the realm is secure, we can restore the rightful balance."

"No!" Rainbow Dash slammed her hoof down while hovering. "If you want to help us, help us. But don't try to lure us by offering to take care of our problems if we just give up who we are."

Nightmare Moon stood straight, snorted, forced herself to calm. "I see you fulfill your role quite adequately - but as I was honesty, know this: I was also loyalty. To help me help Equestria is no betrayal. I too cannot stand by."

Her recollection of using the elements of harmony had peculiar effects all around. She herself seemed to become slightly confused, as did Rarity. Twilight Sparkle seemed distracted, muttering. Fluttershy seemed to have begun to pity her.

But Applejack was firm. "Pretty words, but we heard the screams. Torturin' a fella like that? We can't stand for that."

Now I was the one who wished to shrink away. Rather than let that little truth come out, I suggested, "As I understand it, you just want the people to love you as they love your sister, right?"

That was a bad choice of words. Nightmare Moon's resolve returned. "Not only. What I want? Justice. A thousand years for the thousand years taken from me; and as penalty, the rest of time! Come. If these won't help, we have work to do."

The mists flared, and she dissolved, and I dissolved, and after some time I couldn't track, I was disgorged onto the top of the gate tower of Canterlot palace. Nightmare Moon was looking down inward.

I looked around. The city seemed deserted aside from posts of soldiers on rooftops of nearby buildings. There were intermittent lightning-strikes from Celestia's tower. Looking inward, the palace was dark, but shrieks and crashes could be heard. The walls were unguarded. "What's your plan? Your majesty."

She did not look to me, and did not answer. She finally spoke, the first time I had heard her speak quietly, though even then it was intense. "There are at least a hundred demons in there." With an even harder edge, she added, "Can you laugh in the face of danger?"

Let me see. When the frat house caught fire, I put it out when everyone else was flailing about. But that's not quite what she asked... More topically, my reaction to meeting her was an imitation of a comedy anime, and my reaction to meeting her guards was an imitation of a comedy puppet movie. "I would say so."

"In the face of loss? In the face of nothingness? In the face of your cruelly cheated sister?"

Oh, just existential dread? I sneer in the face of existential dread. "Aside from that last one, yes." She seemed satisfied anyway.

"But you are not strong with magic. Would you say you are honest, or generous, or kind?"

"It appears your majesty is attempting to line us up to the elements of harmony." Oh god, I'm Clippy.

"Obviously." She gestured downward, and to my surprise, the five orbs were lined up in front of her - she must have seized them as we retr... charged Canterlot.

"I think I'll go with 'kind'." Since that's the one she'd most obviously fail.

"We need to test. I suppose I shall start, since you already proved your loyalty." She looked down. "My guards were phantasms. I set them to their task. You did something different enough from what I expected that they became... pliant. Having had them rejoin me, I can recall what they experienced. Even as unnecessary as they were, your efforts demonstrated devotion."

"Oh." More like devotion to my own skin. Good thing I don't need to do 'honesty'. But this whole issue might prove problematic. I don't like her. We don't have harmony between us.

"Is that a problem?" She was essentially ordering me not to have a problem.

"Not in itself, but such a compelling display of honesty puts me in a tough spot. You see..." I couldn't quite say it, because it was a terrible idea to say it. Why did I even consider? "... I think some of the methods you've adopted could use some re-strategizing."

She snarled, bristled, quivered even, but restrained herself, if only for the sake of stealth. "It is not your place to question our methods."

"Is it? I'm the only one who's stood by you at all. If you don't want to stand alone and out of touch, who are you going to listen to?"

She stood in thought. I was thinking, too, wondering how far I could take this. How far I should take it. Could she be turned, rather than reimprisoned? I was seriously beginning to feel guilty for letting her think that someone loved her. And that deception could backfire on me, too. But letting go of this tiger's neck was more dangerous than I could handle.

So I went on. "To earn love, you need to leave them wanting more of you, so they're pulling you in. It makes them more aware of the good things about you that they're missing, so they want you to get closer over time. Being closer than they want, they're most aware of the things they like less, and they push you away."

A snarl crept into her voice. "I tried letting things be for a thousand years."

"Did I say you should let them be?" She didn't catch the idea, so I went on, "People already really need the night. They just don't know that they need the night."

"So... take the night away from them?"

"Until they come asking for it. Then you can graciously grant it to them, and they'll thank you. Just don't overdo it."

Her face alternated between stern and hopeful. After a pause, she said, "This is... most unconventional. I will have to think about it."

After a moment, she said, "Hark! A light in the library tower! The demons I've seen here would care not for reading. This must be the witch. Without her army, we will not even need the elements. Carry them." She tucked them into a conjured sack, and I slung them over my shoulder, and we ran - well, I ran, and she kept a moderate pace, on magically-muffled hooves. Along the wall, then down and across a short section of the grounds.

We slipped in through the shattered outer doors, and through the shattered library doors, and through the shattered restricted section doors. I stuck close to her, as being off the wall made me even more creeped out, with all the demons around.

We saw an eerie blue light ahead, around the last stack. Nightmare Moon slowed somewhat, and began gathering her magical energies. We came around the edge, finding Macidexia kneeling on the floor, reading in the narrow cone of an LED flashlight tied to her horn.

The clock chimed the quarter-hour, startling me.

Just as Nightmare Moon was drawing her breath to make some ominous declaration of doom, Macidexia's voice murmured, "Right on schedule." Then she laughed contemptuously and brayed "Meddlesome pests, I'll blast you out of time!"

Macidexia looked up in surprise, then alarm. Nightmare Moon spun to find the voice - a second Macidexia had been behind us. Her skin was more wrinkled and cracked, her rear horn had a chip out of it, she had a scar along her left cheek, and she had a new hat. But she was clearly Macidexia. And she was gathering magical energy into her front horn, lowered down to near the ground.

Nightmare Moon unleashed her gathered energies as a continuous sheet of lightning directed at this older Macidexia - she caught the strike with a similar but smaller strike reaching out from her rear horn. In the lightning, I could see the characteristic color of each, fading from Nightmare Moon's black/violet into to Macidexia's olive. Nightmare Moon's strike was far stronger, and she overpowered the parry within half a second. But within that half-second, Macidexia boomed out, "X-Zone!"

Out of Time

I watched as Tycho crater formed before our eyes. When a cloud moved in, I was extremely disappointed to have missed the rest of this cosmic event. Still... "Oh, that is good. Very. Very. Very good."

Nightmare Moon frowned at me. "Explain."

"This is my world, a long time in the past. We call that crater you just made 'Tycho'."

She regained her intensity, and almost interrogated me - "How long in the past?"

"I don't recall off the top of my head. I'll do better looking at the plants and animals, since that's my real specialty - but a few dozen million years, I think."

She drew herself up and commanded, "Find out how long."

I bowed, and looked around in the dark. Pop quiz on paleontology! Find out when you are, based on these creatures. Let's see what we have. A lot of darkness. Hmm.

"Your majesty, I am extremely tired. I have not slept appreciably in well over a day. With your permission, I shall start in the morning."

She stared, and flame flickered in those eyes. I gulped.

She looked high, and declared, "We will need shelter, for the coming day."

She focused and assembled a two room wood frame and board wall, thatch-roofed house from nearby parts. I'm sure the process would have been very impressive if I could see what she was doing, but the black magic acting in the dark didn't make much of an impression.

When she was done, a gap in the clouds let me make out two doors - apparently our rooms did not adjoin. I went in through the left, narrower door into the smaller room. There was a fluffy pile of grass on a dried-clay floor. It made a pretty decent bed, and I lay down.

The various problems facing me ran through my head about once each, then I slept like a rock.

When I woke, I checked around the house. The other side was closed, and I did not think it wise to disturb her. First order of business is paleobotany. Subspecialty, breakfast. I balanced Macidexia's huge hat with the brim on my forehead, and set out.

I set about finding likely-looking plants. A few flowers, berries, and leaves. I rubbed each against a part of the inside edge of my arm, photographing it against its spot. That would eliminate contact poisons from the things I was considering eating. I also found a lovely flower that was a tiny bit like a daisy. Enough that I was reminded of Cheerilee. I picked it and tucked it in the weave of the hat.

While searching for more things to test, I found a termite mound. Those shouldn't be poisonous. Would be simpler. I searched for a stick to fish the termites out. After a minute, I found one, substantially heavier than needed, but it'd do - nice hook on one end.

"Ahem". I looked up sharply came face to face with a pterosaur. It had skin wings spanning three meters, and was nearly as tall as me.

I brandished the stick and jumped back. "Whoa!"

"You are certainly the largest furry I've ever seen."

I lowered the stick. We're a lot further back than I thought! Also, how are there sapient pterosaurs? We're before people showed up, providing the anthropomorphic effect that enables the talking elephants, monkeys, rhinoceroces, et cetera.

He continued, "Not quite as amazing as that mountain flying up into the sky, but quite queer nonetheless. You can talk, can't you?" He suddenly got nervous. "Not a sharptooth, are you?"

"Yes. Yes, I can talk. I won't try to eat you."

"Excellent. I am a bit of a student of strange and mysterious things and creatures and events. Events as strange as last night, and creatures as strange as you, and things as strange as that... thing over there..." - he gestured to the house - "... are quite rare indeed. I do not presume to accuse, but simply by being here and being strange, the question arises: did you do the other two things?"

"No, but I know who did."

"Ah. Is it going to happen again?"

"No. She's calmed down a bit."

He lowered his wings a touch.

"Now, if you don't mind, I'll go get breakfast."

I stepped around him and headed to the termite mound. 'Fear factor' time. After the roller-coaster I've been on for the past half day, this should be easy.

It wasn't. But I eventually succeeded.

"That's quite a production, just for breakfast."

"I've never done this before. The food I'm used to won't exist for millions of years."

He perked up his head, started running, and took off. "Little fast sharpteeth! Two of them!"

Little fast sharpteeth? ... velociraptors? I took off for the house as fast as I could. I was only ten paces from it to start with, and I didn't know how much of a lead I had. I slammed the door shut and the first raptor smashed into it at full tilt, not having expected such a thing was possible. Its head busted right through the top panel of the door. That's no velociraptor - they're little! Utahraptor, perhaps? Well, smaller than that.

I whacked it with my stick, jamming the hook into its eye. It thrashed free, then up and back, pulling the door off its wooden hinges. It flailed about trying to free itself of the door frame with its long rear claws, but it had very poor angle and leverage, and the splinters pressing on its neck kept it from pulling too hard.

The other raptor, though, was right behind, crouching to lunge. I crouched to dodge aside. The raptor lunged, crescent claws out front. As I sidestepped out of the doorway, I swung my stick like a baseball bat. It caught the rear claw of the raptor's nearer ankle, and there was a crunching sound. It landed awkwardly on its other foot and turned to me. I swatted at its neck. It dodged back, tried to put weight on the ankle I'd hit, and fell to the ground. I chopped at its head, connected with its upper neck. I repeated, and got it on the forehead. It stopped moving.

I gave it another solid whack and tentatively regarded it as finished. I turned back to the other one - it was fumbling around the 'yard' near the table, had ripped the bottom half of the door to shreds, and was working on ripping out the middle bar.

"Hey! Do you talk?"

He stopped struggling for a moment. "Fuck you! You just killed my bro, and put my fucking eye out, you shithead!"

"Only because you rammed your head through a door like a moron. Oh, and the trying to eat us part. Yeah, I can't imagine why I might fight back."

"You fucking rat, you're meat."

"Rat? Are you fucking blind in your remaining eye? No, it's you who are meat. You know what we call you where I come from? Chicken. The cheapest meat." For all my trash talk, I couldn't quite see a clear approach to finish him off. He was too mobile for it to be a truly safe prospect. Maybe if I could come from his blind side...

Fortunately, I'd pissed him off enough that he charged before he was ready. He was fully capable of moving in the open, but the door frame draped around his neck caught on the house's frame, and he was brought up just short. Momentum carried him to maximum extension. I punished that with a clonk on the head. He was stunned, leaving him open to a solid execution stroke. Lucky. Very very lucky.

I checked that he was dead, and that the other one really was dead - yes, quite - and stepped out of the house. Nightmare Moon was standing in her doorway, staring at me.

Inside, I was lurching and swaying from just having nearly been killed and eaten, and also from just having killed. My advisor-to-Nightmare-Moon persona wouldn't be rocked by this. I leaned on the stick and said, "Based on these raptors, we're ninety million years back, with an expected error of, oh, fifteen million years - except that I'm absolutely sure it's not less than sixty-five point three million years. These years are three hundred sixty-five and a quarter days long." As I came down from my adrenaline, I felt faint. My leaning on the stick ceased to be casual.

Nightmare Moon hardly spared a glance at the rear end of the raptor sticking out of my doorway, but murmured, "With the enormous amounts of untapped energy here, we may make it. I must rest." She shut the door.

I sat down hard and rested for a minute. Once I didn't feel any tingling, I dragged the raptors out of my room - they were quite heavy, but I could just drag them - and wondered what to do with them. Burial seemed like a lot of work for animals that wouldn't expect it. Cooking... would cover the food situation, but I didn't want to stoop to eating former sapients. After a minute, the pterosaur landed nearby. "Did I see you right? You spoke with it? And understood it?" I nodded. "I'd heard rumors, but... what did he say? And who was that in there? What was it?"

"Let's get away from the door." I retrieved Macidexia's hat from where it had fallen in my sudden flight, then the magnifying glass from the table. I used it to start a fire as we talked. Pterano, as he was called (seriously? I might as well be 'Uman'), was very talkative, curious, and full of himself. Once I had it going, he wanted to try making a fire, too.

Now that there was a fire, I had a more fearsome weapon against any predators that came by, unless they were tyrannosaurs or gorgosaurs, who might very well not notice such a small detail. I suppose if we see one of those I'll be able to pin down the era a bit better. Not looking forward to that.

With that in mind, I went hunting for rocks I could make a hammer or axe from. Pterano kept an eye out as he asked me questions. In particular, after hearing my muttering about the big guys, "What good are rocks going to do against a big sharptooth?"

"More wood. Bigger fire." If he's typical of these dinosaurs, though, this might be a highly ineffective defense.

Pterano nodded, staring at the flame. "To hold the fire in your hand without being burned? The very idea takes me back..."

"Back to when?"

"Nothing."

"Whatever you say." I found a cluster of promising rocks - sharp broken obsidian. I used one to cut a thin vine, then ground down two ends so it wouldn't cut through its bindings... tied it to my stick... and I had a long-handled axe. A rickety, small-bladed axe.

Through that, Pterano had been ignoring me. "It was my greatest mistake. And the path to my redemption."

"Awesome. Can you keep an eye out for more... sharpteeth?" I picked some more pieces of obsidian, wrapped them in dry leaves, and pocketed them.

"I've wondered, from time to time, if there was something hidden in it after all, some power that I simply didn't have the time to draw out."

That got my attention. "What, where?"

"Nothing."

"What. Is. It."

"A stone of co-o-old fire."

Cold fire? Could be impregnated with alcohol, or something. "Does it burn blue?"

"I didn't see it fall, but perhaps." Oh, it fell. There goes the alcohol hypothesis. Probably just a run-of-the-mill meteorite.

"When I found it days later, it merely stood there at the end of its track, taunting me."

"Waait. It fell and left a track?"

"... yes."

"Normal rocks falling from the sky are fast enough that the ground just splashes. They don't leave tracks.. Yours... Well, let's take a look."

"Alas, it is buried now."

"How deep?"

Pterano shrunk back suddenly. More sharpteeth? I spun with my axe, and found Nightmare Moon. Near her, everything was dimmer. The sun, just above her, seemed to be eclipsed by her presence - literally.

I bowed, "Apologies if we kept you awake, your majesty."

She ignored me, focusing on Pterano. "Return to this stone. We will follow."

After a few moments of gibbering, Pterano swallowed his main objections and fell back on, "It's a long way off..."

"Fly. We will catch up with you tonight."

Pterano eyed the missing far end of the lake, and gulped. "It'll take more than a day to get there, even flying. Should I..."

"Go!"

He pulled himself up and replied with reasonable dignity, "All right. Threehorn Peak is where we're going. On the way, we will stop at the green ridge peak and the orange cliffs. I will see you tonight." He started running, then swooped up with a powerful stroke of his wings.

Nightmare Moon turned on me, and I suddenly realized I had never really seen her mad at me before. I supplicated, and waited.

"You fool! You nearly got yourself killed!" An odd time to mention this now, instead of earlier. "That was no chicken! Not even a giant chicken! If you meet some creature here that could kill you, tell me."

"Yes, your majesty."

"Now, get inside. We'll be active all night, and I can't have you falling asleep like a sun-lover. Or getting eaten."

The door to her half of the house swung open.

Crowded Dreams

I wasn't quite ready to go to sleep, especially since one of the spots on my arm was acting up, indicating that that kind of leaf had been poisonous after all. My itching kept Nightmare Moon awake, to the point that she reached over and touched her horn to my head, and...

I was at my sophomore-year college dorm room desk, reading a textbook about paleontology, and astronomy. It was an odd combination, and I remarked on this fact to...

Cheerilee, who was lying on my bed, flipping between her real form and as a blonde human wearing a pink tee-shirt with her daisy cutie mark on it (though she was lying on her belly, I still knew what the shirt had on it). The subject of the math book she was reading fluctuated, starting with subjects I'd skimmed (number theory, non-Euclidean geometry) and moving on into subjects I'd only heard of (graph theory, and topology), then progressing into things that my dream only asserted were too complicated for me to understand the name of.

She saw I was watching her, and the shorts I hadn't noticed she was wearing were gone. Then she was a pony again, and standing, reading over my shoulder, cheek to cheek. I reached around to give her a hug and a neck rub, and...

We were in bed, and I was naked, and I had my hand across her sex, stroking gently. She was a pony at first, then a human, and I had one hand up under her daisy T-shirt. But...

A phantasmal guard interrupted us with an order to get back to work and explain special relativity to Nightmare Moon. Though Cheerilee protested she could do it off the top of her head, she was shut out. I followed the guard...

It was female...

It was a softer, gentler version of Nightmare Moon herself. And as she led me along, I babbled off everything I knew about relativity. It wasn't all that much, but it was some. E = m c squared! Grandfather paradox! Gamma! Gravity is like a rubber sheet, somehow? Umm...

We were in a dark classroom, and an older, severe-looking, dark red alicorn princess - reminiscent of the evil robot Maximilian from The Black Hole, of all things - began working through deriving what that gamma factor was. But she made me do all the work. Soon my head hurt, and I quit. She brandished a whip, and pow.

The portion of me which was observing rather than experiencing the dream thought, "Okay, brain? That was uncalled-for. I only go for 'discipline' for the humor value. Take 2, please."

The dream backed up and retried the scene with the Nightmare Moon-guard on spank duty; she toned it down, and with gentle rubbing between. Then... she promised not to spank me again unless I got back to work.

But then pow again. "Work" she demanded.

And I began making progress. Of a sort. I worked out that I'd messed up the swimmer analogy, and tried to figure out what it had to be. When I sorted out the basic properties the solution had to obey, the rubbing was supplemented with licking.

And then pow. "Cease this self-indulgence!" demanded the very pony who'd just been licking me.

And then I had it. It sounded right, it looked right, it acted right. It... wasn't obviously wrong, anyway.

"Now, how am I going to remember this? This is a dream, after all."

Nightmare Moon in all her dread glory was there, snorting. "You're not done yet." A line of empty chalk-boards stretched into the distance.

I was curled up, crying. Couldn't I have the nicer, littler Nightmare Moon back, at least?

She was whipping me, lashes across the back. A part of me wondered how the fuck I knew what it was like to have the skin flayed off my back, because it was exceedingly realistic. I had a feeling I'd just lost my taste for even joking-around-level bondage.

Little Nightmare Moon appeared nose-to-nose with big Nightmare Moon "Get out of here. Can't you see you've done enough?" Big Nightmare Moon glared at me, and...

It was after she had left. The little one was named Luna, and she just wanted to have it all be over, like me.

The dream went blank.

I jolted awake, covered in sweat, as Nightmare Moon slammed the door open. I saw her silhouette passing out the doorway into the afternoon.

I was extremely thirsty, so once she was clear, I got up and headed out too. My fire was still smoldering along. Boiling the water would be best... nothing to hold it in, though. While I was experimenting with various solutions for holding water over the fire - mud-covered leaves, hollowed sticks - Nightmare Moon approached, levitating a ball of clear water.

"Drink." She eyed me impatiently.

I put my lips to it, and as I swallowed, it all practically leapt down my throat. Once I had recovered from the surprise, I said, "Thank you."

"Night is yet far off." Nightmare Moon peremptorily turned back to the house. Before joining her, I went out back to pee - and found a similar spot - she apparently had done the same a few moments previously. Seeing that was jarring. She'd seemed almost unphysical, exempt from simple matters like that.

Upon returning, Nightmare Moon appeared to be asleep, lying on her belly, head on one knee. I had not seen her asleep up to now, and she had softened in sleep, a bit in the direction of what I'd seen in my dream. Just a little. I thought through what it must have been like, being her, rejected, ignored, while so close to one so loved and appreciated.

Against my better judgement, I reached out and petted her on the head.

She relaxed a little further.

The pet extended to her long neck. Her strange mane appeared to be more fog than hair, so I left that alone and moved on to her shoulders. She loosed a sigh of contentment.

I stopped, not wanting to wake her, but - too late. "Continue.", she said, only halfway to an order.

I knew I'd stepped in it again, but I complied, giving her a back-rub. She was large enough I had to be superficial to finish before wearing out my hands, but I did get her whole back. When I was done, she seemed to be asleep. Relieved, I lay down in the corner and soon fell asleep myself.

Before, it took me a while to realize I was dreaming. This time, it was immediate. I was in the tower that Twilight Sparkle had brought Celestia to, but there was no sign of her or the golden sparkles, and I was... Twilight Sparkle. I was looking down at a scroll detailing a magical procedure, and I said, "Omar. Do you hear me?"

This seemed like a very odd thing for me to say - I hesitated, wondering what was going on.

I hesitantly said, "Omar, if you're in this dream, just say so."

This was an even odder thing to say, but there was nothing for it - I said, "Yes. What is this?" It didn't seem odd that I had said that. I remembered forming the intention to do so.

I (still being Twilight Sparkle) reared up a little and said, "It worked! Okay, you're alive. What happened? Where are you? And what happened to the elements of Harmony?"

Again I had no recollection of intending to say this, but was beginning to get the idea - this was some sort of conversation with Twilight Sparkle.

Then I was myself - Omar - pacing around the room (there was no Twilight Sparkle). "Macidexia hit us with some magic she called 'X-zone', that sent us to my world, millions of years ago. I'm surprised we can maintain real-time conversation over a time difference."

I stopped trying to control and let things happen again - I gestured to the pile of books and said, "No wonder I had to use an acausal symmetry spell - I 'just happen' to have a dream that's the same dream as you're having." Partway through that, I turned back into Twilight Sparkle, as she reasserted control over our identity.

I gestured in circles with a front hoof. "Can we... separate? It's confusing."

I stood on my rear hooves and put my two front hooves to each other. "No, we have to experience exactly the same dream. Splitting us would change our viewpoints. So, where are the elements?"

I halted in front of a mirror and looked at myself (Twilight Sparkle) suspiciously. "Just a moment. I want to make sure you're not Nightmare Moon or Discord."

I was taken aback. "Discord? Who's Discord?"

For a moment, I was especially suspicious. Twilight Sparkle would have... umm... not known about Discord. Right. I resumed pacing. "My secret mission was to stop an ancient evil chimera freed by Macidexia, named Discord. He was previously defeated by the princesses, wielding the elements of harmony. He has the ability to warp minds, and teleport, and various other tricks. For ten days after he was freed, he can only affect one pony, in Ponyville, not a unicorn. And Celestia and I couldn't mention this to anyone. I guess, now that I'm not within 10 days, I can mention it. Or maybe because we're not 'really' communicating, just having the same dream. Anyway, he claimed his selection was Cheerilee, but he could have been lying. His objective is to bring about a work stoppage and cause ponies to hurt each other, within those ten days. He claimed his plan was totally unstoppable, and would go off, umm, tomorrow."

I reverted to Twilight Sparkle and said, "Oh, I think I know what his plan is. Almost everypony in Ponyville is feeling sick, and the worst cases are violent. They just moan and try to bite ponies. But didn't you say he could only affect one?"

I shook my head ruefully, not bothering to shift back to myself. "A zombie plague outbreak? If so, he only needed to work within his selection to make the plague. It would spread under its own power from there. Now, that's thinking outside the box. He wasn't trying to psych me out, just gloating. Crap. Good luck with that... Are you coming down with it?"

"I don't think so. We were out of town so much. But you were right there. Feeling anything?"

I was suddenly myself, in a flimsy hospital gown, hooked up to a bunch of machines. "I think I'm clean. I wasn't bitten or anything."

I snapped back to being Twilight Sparkle. "Anyway, we need the elements. Now that you know I'm not Discord... where are they?"

I headed slowly back toward the mirror. It had been less confusing to have someone to project the conversation onto. "You didn't prove it yet. Who was the first Ponyville pony you met?"

"Pinkie Pie." As I said it, my reflection changed to Pinkie Pie hiding behind the cart in the dark.

"No."

"What?" I furrowed my brow heavily for several seconds. As I relaxed, the reflection then shimmered and changed to Rarity, and I said, "Oh! Back at Canterlot!"

"Better. What did Macidexia give Celestia, that started the sneezing?"

"Tea."

I was satisfied. "Okay. So. Nightmare Moon took the elements. She tried to attune them to us, but changed her mind, and left me to carry them. When we make it back, I'll see what I can do. I'm not sure that overpowering her is the solution. She was banished to the moon for a thousand years... she really just needs a hug."

I crossed my eyes, hard, chagrinned. "You hug her, then. If we can't get the elements, that might be our best shot."

"I was exaggerating, but I'll see what I can do. How's Celestia?"

I looked out the window, and the sun was suddenly just over the horizon. "She wore herself out trying to restart the day. We're stuck in dawn."

"Oh, fuck. So it's day. That means Discord's probably already won. Tell princess Celestia I'm sorry. Shit, that's a case of my being seriously outclassed. While we're at it, if there's anything she wants to say to her sister, I can try to find a way."

"I'll ask, but I may not be able to contact you again." A pause. "I'm sorry too, Omar. We had her right there, and I couldn't make the spark."

"Don't beat yourself up over it. It's not over yet. And as I said, what good would sending her back to the moon do? It was never the best solution. Whooa."

"What?"

"I'm in the past, I have the elements. Time to use Bill and Ted tactics. Where's a good hiding place you haven't checked yet?"

"What?"

I held back my impulse to quote Pulp Fiction, instead saying, "Where's somewhere the elements could stay hidden for centuries, that you can look for them now, because I will have hidden them there for you to find."

"Umm. Oh-kay... There's... a big rock just south of the abandoned palace the elements were in. We didn't dig just south of it."

I was suddenly in the place she referred to.

I advised her, "Try it when you wake up. Let me confirm - I should bury the elements south of the big rock south of the abandoned palace, if I can."

"Right."

"And... Tell the gang I'm okay, hope the best. And Cheerilee... umm... well, if she's not Discord, tell her I have something to say that I can't say through you. Hopefully by the time I get back, I'll have come up with something not too embarrassing."

I got severely flustered. "Umm. Cheerilee is the worst case of what you call the zombie plague."

"Oh. Oh. Of course."

"Yeah. Well, now we know where it came from. That'll help. One last thing before we go. Pinkie Pie told me to tell you, quote:"

I suddenly turned into Pinkie Pie. "Rainbow Faces. Rainbow Faces! RAAAAINBOW FAAACES!"

I turned back into Twilight Sparkle. "Endquote. That was how she said it. She said it was really important."

"I have no idea what that means."

"I figured. I think that covers it. All set?"

"Yeah. Thanks a lot."

I nodded...

... and I was driving a car down a road away from an asteroid impact, but the roads kept being blocked by traffic as everyone else had the same idea... but they were terrible drivers, so there were accidents all over the place... so I asked Nightmare Moon, in the passenger seat, if she could stop the asteroid... and she was a zombie. And I was already a zombie. I'd infected her.

I sat up, startled awake. Nightmare Moon was solidly asleep.

Doom

We swirled our way across the night sky to catch up with Pterano, finding him in minutes. He woke as we rematerialized in front of him. "Oh! You found me! How... wonderful, yes, wonderful."

Nightmare Moon waited a moment. "Where is the stone?"

"Heh! Well, it's night, and I just flew all day. Can't it wait?" After one look from Nightmare Moon, he continued, "Of course not. Of course not. So, in the morning, I'd go from the sun until I met the river, then turn left..."

The instructions went along until Nightmare Moon grew impatient. "Guide us now." And the three of us turned to mist together and went. We reformed on top of a different mountain crest.

"Where from here?"

"Oh. Oh my. Th- th-at way." He buried his face in his wing as we were swirled off again.

After a few minutes, Pterano gestured to a collapsed lump of a mountain and said, "There it is. Buried in there. I don't know where."

Nightmare Moon ignored him, leaving me the opportunity to say, "We thank you very much for your great assistance."

She glared at me, but then she looked up and the rage amplified, even as less of it escaped. "Cold Fire. That is what I imagined myself, there on the moon. Cold fire that burns away all the injustice. This is my stone. I can feel it pulling me. From here, I go alone."

She misted up and swirled off.

It was about midnight, and we were on a mountain top. I pulled my windbreaker on, and looked around. There was not much to see.

After a minute, Pterano said, "I should be going. I really shouldn't be here."

"Why not?"

"I... I was exiled from here. It's a good place. But if I leave without warning them... what will happen to the great valley?"

"With Nightmare Moon around tearing up mountains?"

"Yes. ... Why do you follow her?"

I hesitated to open up to him, but eventually my delay got to be telling in itself. "She's the only way I can get home, to the future. Before that, I promised I'd stand for a cause she believes in strongly. And if I stopped, I don't know what she'd do."

After a minute, Pterano said, "Go down to the Great Valley. Warn them. I'll be just outside, if any doubt you."

I thought it over. Nightmare Moon would surely know where I was, if she could track him. On the other hand, she could be away for days, so she could hardly expect me to stay on this barren pinnacle. "If she's not back by dawn, I'll go."

As it turned out, she wasn't. From time to time, I heard rumbles and vague echoes - probably her excavations. When it was light enough to move, I went down. It was fairly difficult, so I only made it to a smooth place around noon. Pterano met me there and led me to a large crack in the rock - a very narrow pass. "You go in. I... may not."

I was most of the way through, already able to see that it was opening up, when a triceratops hurried into the passage and blocked my way. "Hold it right there! Who are you? What are you?"

I tried to remain calm. "I am Omar, a human. I wanted to tell you about something happening near here that might be dangerous."

The Triceratops grunted. "If it's outside the valley, it'll have to come through me."

"Have you heard the crashing sounds all night?" Come to think of it, I hadn't heard that since the very beginning of the descent. The sound wasn't making it down into the valley well.

So, it wasn't surprising when he said "No."

"Did you notice the moon, night before last?"

"No."

"What about a large object in the sky, over that way?"

"No. And that's all in the sky, and we're down here."

"Well, someone who altered the moon is investigating the stone of cold fire."

"Phaw. What garbage."

Fortunately, that was when Nightmare Moon began blasting audibly - there was a small earthquake. The triceratops backed out of the passage and looked to the side, then back to me. "Hmm. Come in."

In a few minutes, a call had been sent out for everyone to gather together and hear the news and see the strange creature (me). And I feasted my eyes on brachiosaurs, (para)saurolophi, stegosaurs, and more. Mainly a circle of suspicious triceratops, with a brachiosaur. Something about me didn't strike them as vegetarian. I returned their scowls with smiles, and took a lot of pictures.

I saw children rush forward and be gathered by their parents.

A brachiosaur leaned down and admonished one, "Now, Littlefoot. You aren't going to go running outside again, are you?"

Littlefoot looked aside and reluctantly answered, "No."

A little pterosaur shouted out, "Mama said Pterano just outside valley! You see him?" I nodded.

A small (para?)saurolophus said, "I do not want to meet him. No, no, definitely not."

The pterosaur replied, "He save your life too, Ducky."

"He is not as bad as the others, but I do not want to meet him again."

I said, "You won't need to. He's honoring his exile."

Finally, the largest triceratops stepped forward. "Give us your warning." His tone was gruff, and if I hadn't been playing stool pigeon to Nightmare Moon lately I probably would have been offended.

"There is a strange creature - not too big by your standards, but extremely powerful with magic. She is looking for the stone of cold fire. In this search, she may tear up the mountain it's in. This could spread a lot of dust through your valley, and perhaps shower it with rocks. Basically, be prepared for it to explode."

One of the parasaurolophus ladies asked, "What are you? I've never seen something so strange."

"I'm a human. And I've never seen anything so wonderfully strange and unexpected as all of you. I certainly never imagined that you'd be living in multi-species coherent communities."

There was another blast, and this time we could see a gut of ejecta, not merely a smoke plume. The dinosaurs squirmed.

The lead triceratops said, "Stay calm. If this is someone looking for something, they'll want to survive the search."

This was a good point I hadn't considered.

A large blast shook the ground hard enough to send me to my knees. Many of the dinosaurs shifted in unease.

The chief looked at the mountain, which was now spewing smoke. "But maybe they won't. Perhaps we should move for a time. Which way will you be going?"

"Er. Well, why?"

"So we can go the other way."

"Ah. Well, then pick whichever direction is best for you. We're not going that way."

The chief stared.

A brachiosaur suggested, "Perhaps he meant they'd avoid us as a courtesy?"

The chief held his ground. "That's not what he said. Which way are you going? Are you going to claim the great valley yourselves?"

"No! We'll go back home, where there are others like us. It isn't any normal direction from here. Just pick the safest place and we won't pass near you."

"Ridiculous. But... you are very strange. We need to talk this over." He turned his back on me, and the adults joined him in a new circle with me on the outside.

I backed off. Some children approached, as one adult triceratops looked on.

"Not a normal direction? Is this beyond the Mysterious Beyond?" Littlefoot had stepped forward, sounding considerably more incisive than the plodding chief.

"Well, how far does the Mysterious Beyond go? Sounds like it's just, 'everywhere else', but... is that really what you meant?"

"Uh... I'm not sure. Just, I heard about a place like that from some rainbow faces, once."

Rainbow Faces. Pinkie Pie's message was, simply, 'Rainbow Faces'. What about them?

"Rainbow Faces? What are they?"

"Umm... folks, I guess? A bit strange? Why?"

I shrugged. "Anyway, I guess you could say we're from way beyond the mysterious beyond."

A triceratops-girl snorted. "Nonsense. There's nothing beyond the mysterious beyond!"

"Yes, yet if you travel outward, no matter how far, you won't get to where we came from, nor where we're going. So if that's what you call the mysterious beyond, that's not where we're from."

Ducky said, "Then you're travelling inward?"

The triceratops rolled her eyes. "That doesn't make any sense. What are you going to do? Travel around in circles?"

"Kind of. Actually, that could be how we end up getting home."

"But you won't get anywhere that way."

Petri suggested, "You get to tomorrow. Are you from the future?"

The triceratops said, "Don't be silly, Petri. No one can come from the future." But she saw my surprised look. "You can't be serious. You're from the future?"

"Yes. I'm from a long time from now, when animals have grown and changed all around."

"Are there flyers?" Petri asked.

"Yes, there are flyers."

"Longnecks?", Littlefoot asked.

"There are creatures with long necks."

Before he could quite parse that, the triceratops asked, "And I suppose there are three-horns? Sounds like not too many changes at all."

I paused. My pause became suspiciously long.

She grew indignant. "What? The flyers live, and the longnecks live, but the threehorns don't?" Gesturing to a nearby juvenile stegosaurus, she added, "Does Spike get grandkids and I don't?"

To Littlefoot, I said, "Well, actually, the creatures with long necks aren't really related to you. I'm sorry for being misleading. I didn't plan on telling you."

Petri asked hopefully, "And the flyers?"

"You guys are doing fine. Lots of different kinds, all over the place. Or... wait, pterosaurs aren't proto-avians, are you? So yes, there are flyers. No, not your kind. But... you all have plenty of time. More lifetimes than you can count."

"Cera..." Littlefoot approached the triceratops.

She flared up. "Sad? I'll show you sad! One day, you'll all be dead too!" She ran off. Littlefoot looked to me and ran after her.

Spike looked up hopefully.

"Sorry, buddy. You too."

He went back to eating.

Ducky stayed. "No one lives forever. We knew that." Her resignation was heartbreaking. I felt terrible, though not as terrible as they felt.

I was rescued from angry parents by the sudden landing of the stone of cold fire in the middle of the valley, lowered by Nightmare Moon.

Here Be Dragons

Nightmare Moon noted the gigantic dinosaurs arrayed around us and the stone of cold fire. After a quick glance, she dismissed them and turned to me. "How long to the future should we go?"

"I don't know. At least sixty five million years, possibly as much as one hundred twenty."

She spat out, "That's no narrower a range than before! Wider, even!" As she spoke, she formed a bubble formed around us, blocking out the raised voices of the dinosaurs.

"Princess, our knowledge of this era was highly incomplete. I wouldn't have expected that this set of creatures lived within a million years of each other. I... were you aware of my dream yesterday morning?"

She narrowed her eyes. "If you have something to tell me from it, say it."

"There is a method we might be able to use to move forward in time millions of years, continuously rather than in jumps. If it works out, we could react to the rise of human civilization in time to catch a ride home. I do not know the details, though. In my dream, I had them, but either I forgot or I didn't really have them."

"What is this method?"

"To spin around really fast. Our subjective time would slow down..."

"Oh, that. Impressive that you knew of such a thing..." - she eyed me with new appreciation - "... but it is not viable. I will need to find a way to establish a stream of time, then ride it."

She turned to the stone. It was as large as a house - or, more in context, a grown brachiosaur.

I looked out of the bubble, tried to imagine the emotions. Why had they believed me so quickly? Simply that they were children? Had something terrible happened lately?

And then it struck me: they're wild animals, only lately granted the ability to grasp the desperation of their situation. They're the middle, not the top of the food chain. Death is so very ordinary.

I found myself drying tears as I saw Littlefoot approach despite being nudged away by his grandfather. He looked at me reproachfully, and said something I couldn't hear through the bubble.

I've got to save them. I can. We can take eggs, and perhaps the little ones. If they'll come. Nightmare Moon might be able to simply abduct them. But what then? A tiny population, where? Home? Equestria? And how to get her to actually do it?

Still concerned with the stone, Nightmare Moon shook her head. "Ah. I see. Ha! The power here is locked up, and the key... despair. Omar, prepare yourself." Her horn began to glow more brightly, and she grew ominous, her blackness spreading out for the first time since that first night.

"No!" I cried out, trying to sound resolute rather than fearful - and, I think, doing a decent job. "Not yet!"

"You will address me as 'princess' or 'your highness'. You have a serious concern?" The dark cloud shrank, but became more concentrated.

If kissing her ass would save the dinosaurs, I was willing to do it. "Yes, princess. These creatures are weak compared to you, but they are strong compared to most ponies, and could stand against the demons. If you save their lives from the doom I told them of, they may be willing to serve you. Simply taking them away from their marginal life in this dangerous land might earn their loyalty."

She looked them over intently for the first time. "Yes, an army of dragons would be an asset."

"These are..." I'd been about to say "aren't dragons" but realized that wouldn't help my case, so I stopped.

"Yes. This is an excellent idea. I can almost feel the rightness to it. With such starting beasts, with such ambient power, with this stone of cold fire to forge their temperament and the elements of harmony to render the chimera fundamental... yes. This is enough. We can get started immediately."

The bubble fell, and Nightmare Moon announced to the crowd, "You live here in fear. Fear of the everyday, and fear of the end. These fears are well founded. We know of a time when all of you and all of your children and theirs, are dead. I have magic that will make you strong. You will live, and your descendants will be the greatest and most terrible of creatures: dragons."

The normally skeptical chief was silenced by her display of power, but grandfather longneck quietly said, "And if we do not wish to be terrible?"

Nightmare Moon hadn't considered this, but after a second supplied, "Dragons do not often use their terrible power."

The chief triceratops demanded, "And what in return?"

"Service - not of you, but of your descendants."

"What kind of life is that? To live for you? Think again."

I raised my hand before she could do anything rash. She calmed herself and turned to me. I nodded deeply and said, "Princess, you do not need very much service. Think how little dragons would actually help, day-to-day. Perhaps have them on call, for a day at a time, say, with a guarantee that they come and go in peace, and hold no grudge - and you can call no dragon more than once? Keep in mind that we can't make a deal that can't have been in force during your youth - the dragons cannot have already been serving you. And we need to drop them off to grow anyway."

The princess thought it over for mere seconds. "That will suffice." To the crowd, "Do you hear that? No dragon shall have to serve me more than one day. One day in a long life - far longer than your own - in return for the whole future of your people."

The triceratops growled, "What would we give up? Our home? Our children? Our eggs?"

Nightmare Moon smirked. "None of that. Nothing painful, even. Quite the opposite. I need five volunteers - all good friends, one from each of your kinds - to concentrate for some time. The rest of you, I need only an afternoon of your time. You can return to your lives, knowing that you've secured your legacy."

The chief looked around. "We... we'll have to think about it."

Nightmare Moon flared her nostrils in impatience; I came up close and whispered, "Princess, is there a reason to rush?"

She controlled herself. "If they don't decide soon, they won't agree. And for it to be binding, I can't befuddle them."

"Then try smiling and relaxing... and drop the black cloud."

She looked about herself as if first seeing the black cloud. It receded. She sat on her haunches and tried to relax and smile. It didn't look particularly sincere, but it was better than before.

Satisfied for the time being, I remembered Littlefoot had tried to say something to me, so I went to him. He was lying with his head on the ground. "Hi. You were trying to tell me something?"

"Why did you tell us? It just made us unhappy."

"I'm sorry. I didn't think it through. But... now you have a chance for your families to continue on in the future. It may be bad news, but it's a good thing."

"Our families... are dragons really so much like us?"

"I'm not sure... Well, I know Spike. Okay. He's a bit like your Spike, but walks upright and is smart and sociable. If he has terrible powers, he hasn't used them. But he looks tough. I wouldn't want to tangle with him. And there are a great many other kinds of dragon." I remembered a tapestry in Canterlot. "Some have horns and crests. Some have long necks and tails, and grow as large as your kind, but they can fly."

Littlefoot picked his head up. "Longnecks that can fly?"

I nodded, and could see the gears turning. His huge eyes blinked as he looked at nothing. "That's something. But there are no regular longnecks?"

"Not when I left, no."

Grandpapa Longneck's head suddenly swung in next to us. One of his huge eyes looked right at me. "We'd like to hear your story of what will happen to us. How will all of our children die?"

I followed him back, standing in the circle. The chief glared at me uncomfortably, then reiterated, "Tell us what you say is going to happen."

"I'll start long ago. The only animals were tiny. Hundreds of them could fit under my fingernails. They all lived in the ocean, floating about with hardly any control. Over time, some changed, and grew larger. They started growing shells and skeletons. Some became the fish, and all the creatures that only live in the sea, and the bugs. Later, some of the fish changed to be able to go on land, and then got better at it, with legs instead of fins. Over time, these grew and changed, and became a wide variety of creatures that lived on the land. From time to time, something terrible would happen - a huge volcano, or very large rocks falling from the sky, or just things getting cold, or dry, or some other animals moving in and competing - and life would get very difficult. Many of the creatures would die off, but those that lived would grow back, and change in new ways. After a few cycles like this, we come to where we are now. You are some of the greatest creatures that ever lived, dominating the Earth for dozens of millions of years!

"But in some more millions of years, a big rock will fall from the sky - the biggest in a long time indeed. Dust will fill the air, and things will get very cold. Most plants die. Most animals die. Some live, but you large dinosaurs are not among them. Life recovers, and after a long time, the furries you know grew up and changed to include creatures like me, and like her. We learned to use tools, to build. We're moving to prevent things like that from ever happening again. And if we can cooperate now, we'll save you too, so that the Earth's greatest creatures will last long into the future."

The chief grunted. "That's the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard."

Others repeated, "Ridiculous" - "Impossible" - "Terrible".

Grandma longneck was whispering to grandpa longneck, and he back - then she objected, "The longnecks warded off stones from the sky before. We can again."

I was so confused I didn't even have a response for a moment - Cera face-footed, resoundingly muttering, "Oh brother. There they go."

Rather than confront her head on, I said, "I didn't say ordinary rocks. I said a big rock. It left a hole in the ground much larger than the Great Valley. Much much larger."

"We can and we did." She was somewhat disappointed by the reception of her claim among the others, but I still wasn't near having their general acceptance.

I looked around among them, and found two who were silent. I couldn't place just what they were. A sort of dromoceiomid? Knowing only skeletons, I could get no guidance from the wild colors all over, or the rainbow coloring on their faces.

My heart leapt. They were rainbow faces - what Pinkie Pie had advised me of! I addressed them directly: "What do you think?"

The nearer one looked around a little, and walked forward tentatively. She said, "We think you are a long way from home, child."

"And my two minute tale of the origin of species?"

The rainbow-face looked around to the others, more confidently. "You told them the truth."

The chief snarled, "Where did you come from? You weren't invited here."

She replied, "It seemed like something big was happening, so we dropped by."

The male approached alongside her, adding, "We have traveled further than you, seen more. And we say, he's telling the truth about what has been. That is - more or less - how life developed here."

They're aliens. Or time-travelers like us? I certainly haven't seen signs of a technological civilization here.

The chief humphed. "And the rest? This big rock that kills us all?"

The female said, "Quite possible, and there is not the slightest thing the longnecks could do to help. You have at least a million years before it strikes. Beyond that, we cannot say. I am inclined to believe him."

Aliens, then.

The chief looked around. "I don't trust you much more than I trust them. Last time I saw you, you lured Cera out of the great valley."

Cera, listening from the back, protested, "And we saved Ducky! They helped us save her!"

The male rainbow-face stepped forward until he was well into the chief's personal space. "I can see the signs. Take their deal, or go extinct. Accept it, and live as a species. It's that simple."

The triceratops shoved the rainbow-face and fell right through him. A hologram?

The other dinosaurs - and even Nightmare Moon - gasped. Murmurs rolled through the crowd. I hadn't expected it, but I was far from shocked.

The female rainbow-face added, "We can't help you. We'd happily push that rock aside, but as you can see, pushing on things isn't something we can do, here." From a shift in tone, I got the feeling that she was lying about pushing things - but not about her inability to help.

Ducky's mother came forward. "I accept." she said. "So many wonders. And the world is so terrible, who knows what can happen?"

One by one, then in large groups, they agreed to the deal. Last were the two elder 'longnecks' and the chief. Looking to each other for support, they too finally assented.

Nightmare Moon looked to me, pleased, though she spared a concerned glance to the rainbow faces - they backed well off, and watched.

When Nightmare Moon demanded five friends, one from each kind, the volunteers were obvious - the children I'd spoken with.

Nightmare Moon set them about the elements of harmony and gave each of them brief instructions. They closed their eyes and faced in. She flew up onto the stone of cold fire.

"Omar, join me here."

I climbed up after her. Once I was halfway up, her horn began glowing. A large translucent egg appeared in front of her, tumbling and spinning.

Then she intoned, loudly: "Make them promise!"

The dinosaurs, not counting the rainbow faces, repeated surprisingly precisely and synchronously, as if reading off a chant, "Our unlaid - unhatched - our children - our dragons. One day is not too much to give for your lives. Answer the call of Nightmare Moon. Serve the one responsible for your birth, for our survival."

She focused a few more seconds, then reorganized and strained. To me, she murmured, "Whatever you do, stay on the rock. At least, touch it."

"Why?" But no answer came. Soon, the adults were milling about, breaking their species divisions... and then nuzzling... and then mating.

Of course, given their purpose, to mix and make dragons, it wasn't too surprising that not a single one of them was mating with one of their own species, but it was still odd-looking: a stegosaur mounting a triceratops was the least odd. A parasaurolophus jammed himself up against a brachiosaur's enormous under-tail, presumably achieving some sort of penetration. None of them seemed to have the slightest self-consciousness or were giving any indication that this was in any way out of the ordinary. All of the sounds, though, were muffled.

I glanced down - the five friends were perfectly focused on the elements, which seemed to be completely absorbing them.

Nightmare Moon had her horn to the stone. I recalled what she'd said about temperament - that the stone would set that. Was she drawing out all of the coldness, all the fire, and giving it to dragons? I heard her murmuring clearly: was that 'deceit'? And 'selfishness'?

"What are you doing to them?"

Her horn dimmed for a moment. "I know how dragons ended up. If I try to make them some other way, something will come up that changes them back - and that'd ruin that promise."

It seemed unassailable, but there was something wrong about putting, say, 'hypocritical defensiveness' into someone's personality without their knowledge. I tried to think of a way to stop her, but was mesmerized by the now huge orgy in front of us. As I watched, a brachiosaurus came in a small geyser that drenched a parasaurolophus, obviously too small to accommodate him directly. Things were getting rowdier and rowdier.

The rock swayed as the ground shook. When I regained my footing, Nightmare Moon interrupted her murmurs to say, "I meant it - stay up here. I don't want any human in the mix." She said it almost mischievously, then returned to her work.

The orgy went on for what seemed like hours, all participants seemingly insatiable and impatient. Newcomers filtered in from outside the great valley - a male pachycephalosaur, a female ankylosaur - and, after a bit longer, a tyrannosaur arrived on the scene. She lay back, letting the comparatively diminutive pteranodons mush themselves up against her slit. When they were finished, one of the longnecks brushed them aside and gave her a proper mounting.

The earth around those two shook under a degree of pounding that couldn't have been normal for either of their species (could it?). The stone shook more than ever, even as the rest of the orgy seemed to be subsiding.

Nightmare Moon snarled, "Where is this coming from? Laziness? I suppose it fits, but I hadn't gotten there yet. Gluttony? That hardly fits at all!"

"Princess... don't forget that some dragons aren't all bad. You might want to recall their virtues. Haven't you known any?"

Nightmare Moon turned to me, angry - but before she could say berate me, she paused. Then, softer, she said, "Artie."

She stopped putting anything into the stone. "Oh, Artie. Now I understand." She looked out over the field of dinosaurs, then to the giant floating egg. "When you left, only then were you doing what I made you to do. All of our time together was just... my fighting your destiny. One I myself have just set over you."

Awesome! Personal breakthrough time! Goodbye, Nightmare Moon!

But no - she re-hardened, and gained resolve. "Now that I understand, I can work freely. But where... loyalty? Generosity? Where is this coming from? Did I? ... " She peered over the edge - I followed. A tail was leaning against the stone. A spiked tail, connected to Spike, the stegosaur, still focused on the elements.

Nightmare Moon's horn glowed. She was about to lift his tail aside. She was very precariously balanced on the side of the stone. And I was right next to her. And she'd just rejected her opportunity to make things better. This seemed like the only chance left to do anything.

"Look out!" I shouted, and shoved her to the side, as if out of the way of something. Not directly off the side of the stone, but enough that she'd fall.

She spread out her wings to stabilize, and I cursed - if she didn't fall, I was cooked. But she looked back past me, and to my surprise didn't look confused, but alarmed. I glanced back myself and found a longneck's tail headed straight at us.

This time when I leapt into her it was purely reflexive. Her wings spread, and I dragged against the stone, but she floated free.

I held one hand against the stone, following her advice, and watched as she landed and looked around in a daze. Will she remember all this? If not, that frees my hand a bit. But I can't count on that.

The sounds grew, their muffling stripped away as Nightmare Moon's magic subsided.

"Cera?" It sounded like Littlefoot.

I turned to the little ones. Apparently, the noise had disturbed them. Cera was looking out at the adults. "What... whoa. That's..."

"Hot." Littlefoot completed.

She blinked, and slunk over to him.

Slightly alarmed, he called, "Cera? Cera!"

Petri said, "I not hear what she tell you, but I think you supposed to stare at the stone... oh..."

Cera had nipped Littlefoot on the neck, and they were walking in circles sniffing each other.

Petri went on, "Cera not old enough to lay eggs! Stay here and watch the stone!"

Ducky added, "If you really want to, you can do that later. Right now, please stay with what you were asked to do?" But they didn't slow down or even notice, continuing their hasty romancing, and closing in on foreplay.

Holding one foot against the stone, I reached out and grabbed Littlefoot by the tail and pulled him hard enough that he backed up to relieve the tension. Even before his tail touched the stone, he shook his head and looked about.

Cera followed, still interested. Littlefoot dodged, admonishing her; and when I tried to pull her, she swung her horns at me - slowly, fortunately, so I didn't lose my arm. But the grazing contact with me seemed to weaken the aphrodisiac effect, and when she finally caught Littlefoot, and he was still touching the stone, she slowly recovered.

"Cera!"

"Umm. Right. Our stones."

They managed to hold concentration long enough to get back to their spots. That resolved, I looked around for Nightmare Moon. She was about twenty meters off, lined up for a turn at the pachycephalosaur, one of the few males still going. He filled the parasaurolophus he was mounting; a stegosaur stepped up, and he was erect again in mere seconds - and Nightmare Moon was next. If he can recover one more time, which seems likely, she's in for a rough time. And I think maybe the stone has had enough time without her.

"Hey! Over here!"

Nightmare Moon and the sperm-soaked ankylosaur after her shifted their attention my way. The ankylosaur began a galumphing run, so Nightmare Moon began flying. I climbed up the stone, and Nightmare Moon followed, then landed, and... "Ugh. I never cast that without falling prey to it." - she was back.

Then, realizing what she'd just said, she stopped; I pretended not to have heard. "I'm pleased to see you avoided... serious entanglements, princess."

She nodded. "It appears I did, and I presume I have you to thank." Ah! She didn't remember after all!

"No thanks needed, your majesty. It is only my duty."

In the excitement, she had forgotten about Spike's tail, so he continued pumping in whatever natural virtues and vices he had. After a few minutes, the egg was full. Nightmare moon sighed in satisfaction. "It appears we have succeeded. The chimera isn't quite perfect... but dragons aren't perfect chimeras." Her voice was odd - softer, almost ordinary. Almost confiding. She really trusts me.

She gestured to the sack I had been carrying the elements in. "Prepare a nest for us to carry the eggs in."

"And the elements of harmony?"

She snarled. "Harmony resists change, no matter how needed. Those on the bottom take what they get rather than what is just. You can leave them."

As I gathered grass and warmed it against my body, I thought back to the great civil resistance movements and doubted her claim... but those cases won't help her: she doesn't have a mass movement behind her. Any movement at all. Any hope. There's just no way for her to get what she really wants - the love of the people just like her sister enjoys, applying to herself and the night - and she has to know it. She knew it all along, which is why she became Nightmare Moon in the first place. But surely there are enough night-owl ponies? She probably just needs to find some. Or she could stop attaching herself so strongly to the night, just allowing herself to be appreciated as a pony.

Nightmare Moon brought several eggs, gathered from nooks and crannies where the reproductive energies had gathered - and not, surprisingly, from the reproductive tracts of the females. As I prepared the second layer of the nest, Spike silently approached with another. I put it in.

Cera said, "Hey! That's from your mom's ne..." Littlefoot batted her in the face with his tail, saying, "Then get some of your mom's."

Ah. They're sending dinosaur eggs. Good for them.

Nightmare Moon brought a second batch, not noticing the additions. In the end, we had thirty dragon eggs of various sizes, and two brachiosaur eggs, and four of each of the other kinds. Most of the weight was from two of the dragon eggs and the brachiosaur eggs. Nightmare Moon levitated the sack to ease their weight on each other - if she hadn't, half of the eggs would have cracked. As for the elements of harmony, I simply held them in my hands, not hiding that I was taking them. Nightmare Moon did not object.

She said, "Now are you ready?"

I looked around, soaking in my last view of the cretaceous (or jurassic, possibly?).

The male rainbow face popped up suddenly. Nightmare Moon bristled, but did not interfere. He said, "We checked carefully - there are no rocks capable of mass extinction due to hit for at least the next twenty million years, possibly longer. I believe that helps?"

I answered, "Yes it does, actually. That means we can make our first jump eighty five point three million years, and not have a chance of overshooting. Thank you very much."

Nightmare Moon begrudgingly nodded in acknowledgement of the significant help we had just received.

And then, she focused on the stone of cold fire. I gave one last wave to the kids before the despair struck.

Back Towards the Future

The despair was indeed overwhelming. All I could visualize was Nightmare Moon running out of power, us getting stuck a million years in the past, and her forcing me to serve her for the rest of my short, miserable life. There was no fucking way anything else could happen. Right? Or worse, we'd get married. Then it would be the end of Zardoz all over again. Damn that movie. Totally ruined the slow movement of Beethoven's 7th - that was what my roommate used to say, anyway, every time his playlist hit that he'd rant about the movie. That would have ruined the symphony for me even if I hadn't seen the movie. And what was it that that summary review said? Something about equations being projected across Mae's naked breasts while she explained marxist philosophy, and there are sentences you sometimes write and then wonder went wrong in your life that that's something you ended up writing?

We jolted to a landing in the dark, with a strong hot wind pepperered with raindrops.

Nightmare Moon erected a bubble around us - not a spherical bubble, but a streamlined one. "You broke my despair! I established the timestream, but we barely got started."

I couldn't quite respond yet, stifling laughter.

She gestured to my hands. "Put those away." I looked down, realizing I was holding some marbles in a death-grip... marbles? The elements of harmony had shrunk. I carefully poured them in my windbreaker's breast pocket... and wham.

I had thought the despair was serious before. This time, there were no words. No images. Not even assertions. Just hopelessness, meaninglessness. The only refuge was in numbness - in the meaninglessness itself - and that was a pretty shitty refuge.

By the time I was aware that we had landed - aware of anything, really - we were in Nightmare Moon's traveling mist. That was very disorienting to become aware into. When we re-formed, I fell on my face in gritty sand. The air was ripe with salt and rot, jolting me further towards clearheadedness. It was an extremely hot night.

Nightmare Moon loudly declared, "We have proceeded eighty five and a half million years. We can jump four times without further preparation." As she said that, I absorbed our surroundings - the sea in front, and behind us, a vast desert. To our left, a crescent moon suggesting immediate pre-dawn or post-dusk.

"Okay. The species I'm most familiar with the development of on these time-scales is... the horse! Let's go find us some eohippus or merychippus or whatever they've got these days. And keep an eye out for any sort of mammal..."

Hunting up some proto-horses took all night, most of which was spent finding grasslands. In the morning light, Nightmare Moon caught a few specimens and I examined them.

"How long?"

"We have at least twelve million years to go. Maybe longer - much longer, even - but not close to fifty million. There's major diversity of mammals, so we're nowhere near the beginning of the Eocene. And it gets worse. If we end up around, say, a million years back, then we're too close for evolutionary time scales to be much help unless we can find humans, but there were so few of those for so long, the search could take years, and even so it'd be hard to figure out just when we were. Even skipping the ice ages... Better to look for Equestria in that case. If it is that old, and if that would actually help."

"Finding Equestria would solve the problem immediately. We shall jump your twelve million years. Are you prepared to despair?"

Not really, but what else could I do? I took a deep breath, knelt, and nodded, and let the inevitability of entropy strike me again.

We appeared on a grassy hillside near a mountain, surrounded by a golden deciduous forest mixed with stubby evergreens. Having knelt, I was more stable upon landing, giving me a more relaxed recovery. The sun was on the horizon, and I pulled my windbreaker on to ward against the chill.

Nightmare Moon frowned, sniffing. "Worlds. There are other worlds about. Perhaps Equestria. One of the entrances is near."

We left the stone of cold fire behind for a bit, along with the eggs in a climate-controlled bubble. I followed her up the slope, to a rock outcropping. Most of the way up, Nightmare Moon relaxed. "Yes. Right here... it's pressed up close, but there's no basis of similarity to bridge with."

"Isn't it odd that we'd find a world so close to where we landed?" I asked.

She took a moment to allow me to provide an honorific; upon not getting one, she thundered, "You continue in your familiar disrespect. Have court manners dropped so far in my absence, or are you a lout?"

After a moment of consideration, I replied, "I am not accustomed to your court rules, your highness."

"In the court only the nobles may look us in the eye, after a deep supplication. All others must avert their gaze entirely. As I have not assumed the throne, I have not insisted on this yet, but accustom yourself to it."

"I will comply, your highness." I bowed low, then stood and looked her in the eyes. She raised an eyebrow in acknowledgement of my seeming claim of nobility. "Princess, this particular protocol has changed in the time you were absent."

"It will be reinstated. Acknowledging the essential difference of royalty is itself essential to order."

I chose my words with care: "You may wish to examine the causes and history of this change before attempting to reverse it. At the least, you will want to anticipate the side-effects of such a decree."

In a voice of cold fire, she hissed, "It is essential." Less extremely, she went on, "I must learn how this could have happened, so I can reverse it before my coronation, so I will never be reigning princess without it." Then after a moment, she added, "Join me."

I came up close, wondering just how much more of her I could take. With a little more trepidation, I wondered how much more of me she could take. We misted up, went nowhere, and reformed.

We were in a city, mostly stone, mostly intact, and very grand. Nothing was living. A red sun hung high in a sky that verged on black so dark that several other stars could be made out clearly. All of the building interiors were, similarly, black, the dim red light outside just sufficient to prevent adapting one's eyes to see in. Odd - red light is usually best for seeing in low light conditions. Different world, different rules?

Nightmare Moon's hoofbeats rang out with long echoes as she took a few short steps before halting again. Her manner did not betray any unease, but I don't believe for a moment that she wasn't on edge. It was damn creepy. Her horn began glowing that painful black, and I wished I hadn't lost my sunglasses back in Celesteville. That was probably some pretty hefty UV... if not something worse. Oh crap.

I whispered, "Princess... I know of only one thing that can cause this sort of destruction."

Her voice was soft too, but not down to a whisper: "A deplorable word."

"I was thinking neutron bombs, but I yield to your expertise. What does it do?" It's funny how hearing about a magical world-destroying effect was less scary than the possibility of lingering radioactivity.

She didn't answer directly, instead setting out at a stiff walk. "The speaker of the word is this way."

"Still alive?"

She glared at me. "I am not here to explain everything." But as she followed the trail, enough time passed that she did, if only to alleviate my oppressive ignorance: "Worlds exist in different ways. This world is clay - like yours - but rather than governed by light, is governed by the spoken word. Also, life in this world is not based in the clay like in your world, nor from individual springs of light like in Equestria - here life springs from a central source of the words. A 'deplorable word'... contradicted that source, convincingly, for all others."

I pondered whether this elaborate model could actually have any predictive power, or whether it was just endless description adding more and more layers without ever pinning anything down.

The palace gates were barred, but after a few moments of levitation, the bars thunked down and one door of the gate swung open. I felt like I was wandering into the Tomb of Horrors as a level 1 thief. Even if I was with a level 15 princess of darkness, it just wasn't a good place to be a minion.

But my fears were not borne out. The palace was opulent, with statues and murals and the odd fountain. Much of it was open to the air, though it had clearly not always been so - at times we picked our way over shattered skylights. There was damage to the walls - large gouges that extended across stone blocks - that seemed surely from fighting. This was less than reassuring, but everything about us persisted in remaining still and dead. Most importantly, not killing us.

We came, finally, to a room with people in it. Or rather, very convincing statues, seated in a row. All were good-looking, and not a few were very attractive indeed. The nearest to us was a tall, fierce woman, grimly satisfied, and sizzling hot. I moved along the line, looking at the others. They were all richly dressed, and had the same proud bearing. Those after the first were a bit less fierce, and those further on were neutral, and at the far end, a benevolent smile was the norm.

"So, which is it?" Of course, I could have easily guessed which one it was - the first. These good people could not have said such a word and remained that way. But Nightmare Moon was looking in the middle of the room, staring at a pedestal supporting a bell. I approached her and looked - there were words in a foreign language, but after a few moments I got a sense that the meaning was just out of reach, and if I thought...

Nightmare Moon, having already spent this time, recited,

Move to strike the bell of wonder
Or halt and make your dearest blunder:
Claim the power, treasures find,
or stay your hand and lose your mind.

After a pause, she said, "I'd expect pentameter from a place like this, not vulgar tetrameter."

I cracked. "That's odd - to me, it began to form something like what you read, but now it just says 'bite me'." I struggled and succeeded in keeping a straight face, seriously wishing I'd just kept my mouth shut. I can not afford to break character as her faithful if somewhat headstrong servant!

Fortunately - and against all expectation, given her recent rants - she ignored me and added, "The enchantment producing this doggerel shared a trigger with another - presumably one to induce mad curiosity - but its form was specific to creatures of the word, and we were unaffected." She twitched. "At least, not effectively." After a few more moments of inspection, she traced along the floor up to that first statue. "And if the bell is rung, it starts a chain reaction which results in waking this woman."

She paused. "So, Omar. You always seem to have something to say, and sometimes it was worth hearing. What do you say now?"

"Burn!" I thought, but the obvious question arose: "If we wake her… well, if she knew that much magic, she might have tricks that would work on us. And why would we even wake her? She committed omnicide. She doesn't even bother to hide her contempt. I strongly suggest we let sleeping bitches lie and work on getting home."

Nightmare Moon approached the woman, and spoke with a twisted tenderness. "I wonder what drove her to it. What failure or loss could she not bear? What evil was so great that oblivion was preferable?"

"Oblivion for everyone else, that is."

"As she sleeps here, do you think she is the slightest bit aware?"

"And she'll wake some day, when some stupid, evil person wakes her up."

"Stupid? Evil? Do not tell me of what your tiny perspective considers right or wrong!" Her nostrils flared and she stomped a thunderous stomp. I staggered back, and my elbow bumped the bell.

It started as a thunk, but once my elbow wasn't touching it, it ran clear. I grabbed it, trying to stifle the sound, but it amplified, growing. After a second I could not bear to touch the vibrating bell any longer, and stood back, covering my ears against the now-overwhelming sound.

Nightmare Moon created a bubble about herself (I was left to deal with the sound on my own) and went to face the sorceress. I moved alongside Nightmare Moon as close as possible. As the sound peaked, bits of stone broke free and fell from the ceiling - but soon the sound halted abruptly.

The Slow Path

The palace as a whole moaned briefly, then all was still. Nightmare Moon dropped her bubble.

The woman's eyes snapped open. A moment later, she had leapt to her feet, towering over us both. "Who has woken me?"

Nightmare Moon replied haughtily, "I am Nightmare Moon, princess of Eque-"

The sorceress continued, addressing me directly, pointing with a commanding finger, "Who are you? Speak!" Her voice carried force like Nightmare Moon's had at the peak of her rage.

I swallowed. "Omar."

Nightmare Moon indignantly burst forth, "Ingrate! Your manners make Omar seem princely."

The sorceress spared a mere glance for Nightmare Moon before instructing me, "Quiet your steed."

The brazenness of this dismissal shocked Nightmare Moon beyond coherent words or action. I replied, "Her royal highness, Nightmare Moon, princess of Equestria. It appears you have difficulty understanding her, but she can understand you. She would appreciate an introduction in return."

She looked at Nightmare Moon intently for several seconds, raising a half-contemptuous eyebrow. "I am Jadis, queen of Charn, city of the king of kings, the greatest wonder of the world." Then to me, "Does your princess rule any city greater?"

Nightmare Moon replied coolly, "Equestria has many cities and towns and villages with hundreds of times as many ponies as Charn - and in better repair, too."

An even snarkier response had occurred to me ('She currently leads an exploratory force greater'), but gathering the courage to say this was difficult. I attempted to repeat it faithfully. I say 'attempted' since when I reached 'villages', Jadis swooped in as if to clock me. She was faster than the raptors, and the only thing that saved me was her changing her mind most of the way through. "Impudence! I will not be insulted by animals and commoners!" She grabbed the bell and crushed it.

Nightmare Moon went on, "Ask what happened."

I maneuvered alongside her for protection before translating: "Please explain what happened here, then."

Jadis snarled and backed off, ranting and wandering. "You must have seen the greatness of the city. My mother" - she gestured to the woman who had been seated next to her - "ruled it well, with my help. I kept the order among the slaves, directed the armies to consolidate her rule, offered the sacrifices, fended off the killers in the night, and slew or tamed great monsters.

"When she died, my sister dared raise a revolt. She, who knew nothing of managing an empire. Simply with her words she undid decades of work bringing the houses in line, even riling up the slaves. Her easy promises lured so many. And yet, even with the mess she created, I would have allowed peace with her - and left her her life, and those of her leaders too! - if only she relinquished her claim. But in her pride - her delusion! - she doomed the world. Even through the war, we had promised - and I held to it! - not to use Magic. But she thought she could use just a little. I tolerated a little divination here and there - worse than her regular scouts! - but when she dissolved the garrison at Felinda, she foreswore any protection of that promise. So when her scum had slain the last of my loyal soldiers... nothing held me back. As she came to face me, I said the deplorable word."

I prompted, "So, you'd say there was an essential difference between you and the common folk you obliterated?"

Jadis was slightly disconcerted by the question. "Why, of course!"

I looked to Nightmare Moon, while keeping an eye on Jadis. "Sound familiar?"

Nightmare Moon hadn't been expecting that. "What? Not at all. No pony would ever do a thing like that."

"Just what do you think the consequences of completely unbroken night are?"

A moment passed. "I didn't mean it literally!"

"Uh-huh." Ladies and Gentlemen, we have achieved cognitive dissonance.

Jadis wore (what I hoped Nightmare saw was) the fakest smile in the history of Charn as she approached Nightmare Moon. "I can see the power in you, dear princess. If you would be so kind as to show me to some land full of your enemies, I could rise to rule them, and we would be... friends." She had elegance, of a sort - that of a taut spiderweb. (spiders, please forgive the insult)

Nightmare Moon said, "I know of such a land."

"Princess, this is a terrible idea."

"Silence, fool." Jadis waved at me and my lips slammed shut, and turned back to Nightmare Moon. "What does he know about matters of state? So very, very common. We know the true burden of leadership."

It took me a moment to realized I really couldn't open my mouth. I tried gesturing, but Nightmare Moon ignored me, paying attention only to Jadis. Myth: Unicorn horns have curative powers... I leaned over and pressed my lips to Nightmare Moon's horn. "Princess..." Confirmed!

Nightmare Moon was shocked, but Jadis was furious. "You will see your still-beating heart drain before your eyes!" And she reached for my chest, fast enough for it to be a punch. Fast enough Jet Li would have been hard-pressed to block.

I went flying, my chest searing with pain in five little points where her fingers had struck. I tried to regain my breath as I lay on the floor, wondering what had just happened, wondering why there was a smell of burning flesh.

Nightmare Moon was laughing, and Jadis growling, wary of me. She seemed to have come off the worse - her hand, still rapidly regenerating and flaking off ashes, looked like it belonged on a centenarian. She shook her head and faced Nightmare Moon - "As I was trying to say before your slave interrupted me..."

I rolled to my knees, and the elements shifted in my breast pocket, hot through the cloth. Aha! "Princess, why are we still here? She's lying to you."

Nightmare Moon's laughter had died down. "Because it amuses us. She believes she can use and betray us, true. But we can use her, and have no need to betray her. She will get her country, yes, and stew in the knowledge that I did not need to lie."

To say all this to me, she had turned her head on Jadis. Now, she had eyes on the side of her head - that wasn't the problem. The problem was that Jadis was faster than a snake-strike, and mounted Nightmare Moon. In reflex, Nightmare Moon dissolved into mist. The mist quickly whipped off into the distance, back the way we'd come.

And I was all alone in Charn.

I went back to the entry point in the city, waiting for Nightmare Moon to return - I assumed she'd headed this way to shift back to Earth, and neutral ground where Jadis would not have an advantage.

When she persisted in not returning, I tentatively concluded that Jadis had won - but I also considered it possible that in their fight Nightmare Moon had gone to a third world and then gotten lost, or that the connection between these worlds was broken - but I did not expect that she'd be back any time soon, if she hadn't made it back yet.

Two days later, this conclusion was significantly stronger. Late on the first day, I'd found a source of water - a deep cistern's maintenance hatch had been blasted open, and it was still fed from a single inlet. Of food, I'd found none but salt. Apparently, the deplorable word had wiped out not only everything living but everything organic, too.

Though I hadn't been blasted like Jadis, my chest developed five nasty welts where she'd struck me. They hurt considerably, a constant distraction.

I searched for a week. Between the pain and general intractabiity of my situation, I was often not even sure what I was looking for. A passage out, perhaps, more like the blue valley, with what Nightmare Moon had called a 'bridge of similarity'. Nothing turned up.

Faced with the prospect of starvation, I conceived a desperate plan. I would sit in the chair. If the enchantment persisted, I might be able to wait for someone to save me. If, also, the bell still worked after Jadis had crumpled it up like it was origami. But to raise my chances, I needed to prepare.

I spent my last few days on Charn arranging stones to aim people towards the hall with the people. In the room itself, I used a very nice chalk set I'd found to convey the broad strokes of the tale in cartoon form: Jadis says something to a crowd. They all fall over. She sits in chair. A figure with a jacket and a horse show up. He rings bell. Jadis wakes up, steals horse. Man sits in chair. The bell and my best self-portrait, smiling.

The portrait wasn't accurate - I had developed a beard. The last thing I did was to find a straight razor and learn to use it. If I was going to sit there for a million years, I was going to do it with some dignity.

And I sat down.

And there were two kids arguing: "I told you nothing would happen!" - a boy of about eleven, wearing one of those Victorian school outfits. Something nineteenth-century, anyway. "The bell's busted. And..."

The girl pointed to me. She was in a dress with a wide V-collar, and which was thoroughly soaked along the bottom edge. "He's waking up, I think."

It took me another moment before I could move. I cleared my throat. "Thank you very much. What year is it?"

"I don't suppose that'll do you very much good, seeing as you're from another world."

"Possibly. My world is called Earth, and I was born in the United States of America. You?"

The girl glanced to the boy. "Oh. That's ours, yes. We're from London."

The boy added, "It's 1867. I'm Digory. She's Polly."

"I'm Omar. How did you get here? And... do you have anything to eat? I haven't eaten in over a week, not counting the millions of years I was sitting there."

A few seconds later I was softening some toffee in my mouth. It was very rich.

Polly took Digory's hand as if to hold him back. "If you don't mind, would you finish your explanation of how you got here? You rode a horse?" She gestured to my cartoons.

Through my chewing, I said, "No... not exactly. She's a unicorn pegasus princess. She turned into fog which enveloped me, and when it cleared, here we were. We accidentally freed the evil queen Jadis. She fought with the princess, and left the world in the process. Neither came back."

They took a moment to absorb that. Digory said, "You're not joking."

"Quite right. Now, can we get out of here? I've had enough of this place."

They silently conferred, and agreed. Digory said, "All right, how do we do this? We have two rings and three people. One of us can ferry him to the wood, then bring the other ring back... So, which job do you want? Go, or stay here?"

Polly folded her arms. "I'll stay. If you're not back in a minute... I'll figure you reappeared in the courtyard instead of here. Do hurry back if you do."

"Blimey, I didn't even think of that. All right, then. Shall we?"

Then Polly put one hand into each pocket. From one pocket, she pulled a yellow ring, and handed it to me. I held the ring, but she didn't let go right away, looking significantly to Digory.

And then she let go. Charn faded away, and I felt like I was rising through water. I couldn't quite convince myself to breathe, but I wasn't at all wet. I came to the surface and crawled out of a pool in a very neat, dim wood full of such pools.

The sheer relief of being out of Charn was amazing. And this place seemed so peaceful. I sat down under a tree. A hamster ran past with a ring tied to its back.

A few seconds later, Digory and Polly crawled out of the same pool.

Digory joked, "Slept for millions of years and you still need a nap?"

"It wasn't the least bit restful, I'm afraid. Is it okay to take off the ring? All right, here you go. What next?"

The two conferred briefly. Digory asked, "What year are you from? America isn't millions of years old..."

"2010."

Polly said, "Oh. That's not quite home."

"No, it really isn't."

"Maybe you could get back in the chair, and we'd wake you later when we're old? We could get you to, say, 1930 that way, or at least 1910."

"That... that is a very interesting proposition, perhaps the best." So we returned to the Charn pool, but in it were dark swirls, and with a mere glance we dismissed the idea of returning there. "So, Earth. Or what other worlds have you explored?"

Digory said, "That was the first. And I don't think you'd much like Earth, considering you'd have to get past my uncle."

Polly went up to another pool and said, "Well, come on then. How about this one?"

In short order, we jumped in and landed in complete blackness, on featureless flat ground. A very healthy, complete dark. Nightmare Moon would have found it very comforting, I thought. A night that was totally right. But I said, "It appears that this isn't anywhere. Try somewhere else?"

Digory said, "Sure."

Switching rings, we were back in the wood. Our explorations were quick drop-ins like that, finding worlds that certainly weren't Equestria - or if they were, in such an inconvenient spot it didn't do any good. There was a world seemingly made of balloons, a world of volcanoes, a world populated by anthropomorphic playing cards (!), and then... there it was. In broad daylight, from this high vantage point, I could see everything. "That's Canterlot on the mountain over there. And if I'm not mistaken, the entrance to the Blue Valley and thus the Land of the Elephants is over there off to the left. Which means Ponyville is practically right in front of us, though I can't see it."

I handed back the ring. "Thank you so much. I've got it covered from here."

Polly said, "Would you mind if we came with you? This seems a pleasant enough place."

I considered. I was heading back into a war zone, but of course none of those would start for another hundred and fifty years. And they seemed eager enough explorers. And they could escape at any moment. "All right."

We hiked down, and explained to each other more of how we had gotten here. I told them everything but about Discord, who didn't seem important, and of course I omitted the sexy parts. Polly seemed especially interested in the land of the Elephants.

And then we came to the ancient ruined palace. I felt it drawing me in. Or my breast pocket, anyway.

I walked confidently to the center, where, on a stand, the elements of harmony were laid out. I pulled my future instances of them out of my breast pocket and compared them. Mine were small marbles, now, and flattened some on one side, Jadis' fingerprints seared into them. Twilight Sparkle said to put them south of the big rock south of this palace.

The three of us split up, scouting for things that might be useful for digging. Then I heard a scream. Dashing through the forest to help, I tripped over an upward-protruding stone and fell into a bush. Cursing, I tried to drag myself free but came face-to-face with these terrible red eyes...

... and then I had not a mote, and not a beam, but a whole avalanche in my eyes. And my legs were pretty well immobile. What?

Intermission

Nightmare Moon drifted from total unconsciousness to delirium. Moments from the fight drifted back to her. Mainly, the last moment, when Jadis caught in her hand a lightning bolt Nightmare Moon had hurled over her shoulder, and directed it into Nightmare Moon's back.

Jadis grinned widely. "Oh, excellent. I love it when you come to for this. Your helplessness is so much more sweet when you can appreciate it yourself."

She brandished a serrated knife, and reached forward with her other hand. She seized Nightmare Moon's horn. Like all the other times, she tried to struggle, but nothing happened.

Jadis slashed with the knife, the huge motion producing a tiny nick on her neck, the twenty-second in a neat line. Then she pulled the princess's horn back, opening the cut wider. Blood welled out, and she began licking it up.

Eventually, she was done. Her bloodstained face came into view. "Delicious as always, my pet. So much to drain, and so very much time to do it in."

Then she scraped a paste off of a leaf into her prisoner's lips. Nightmare Moon's vision went dark.

All right. Wait a minute for her to go. It's full moon. My best chance to make it. Next time, I'll be way too weak. She felt the moon beating down on her body, pouring in strength, like a watering can into a vast desert. It wasn't much, but it was enough to reach out to the stone of cold fire.

And she had nowhere near the strength needed to wield it. Despair filled her, and she could not reach through enough of it to find the fire. Everything was meaningless. Conquest was meaningless. Equestria was meaningless. The balance of night and day was meaningless. Revenge was meaningless. Love was meaningless. Embarrassment was meaningless. Pride was meaningless.

One constant remained - for good or for ill, the one everything had always been about - "Oh, sister..."

She was in a strange palace courtyard, on the ground. Celestia was on a bench above her, also looking ill. Elephants, including two in crowns, and an elderly female human, were sitting about as well. It was evening, and the stars were beginning to come out.

Celestia picked up her head. "Luna?"

She didn't care.

Celestia said, "Look at the stars. Can't you feel them humming?"

She complied without intending to. She had loved the night, once. This moon bore the mark she'd placed.

Celestia went on, "These stars are suns in their own right. The moon rises in daytime. Here, our domains include each other."

More seriously: "You need to know when you are, don't you?"

She closed her eyes, and Celestia felt what she felt.

Celestia murmured, "You need more than the date! I'm weak, sister, but I will do what I can."

Luna's head began to clear, and she began to see again - and she could move more than her eyes.

With this strength, I can break free. But what then? I do need that date, too. And there she is, in the world with this moon! They know these things! Luna started, "When..." - She made sure she said it only to Celestia, not Jadis as well - "When did Tycho crater form?"

Celestia repeated this out loud for the benefit of the elephants, who could not see her hallucinations. One in a red and white suit whipped out a pad of some sort and began tapping at it. His answer was indistinct, but Celestia relayed, "One hundred and eight million years."

Luna reached out to the planets around Celestia, found six, and memorized their locations. "Thank you."

The courtyard collapsed as Celestia fell below delirium and Luna rose out of it. She stood up, shakily, and hobbled away as quietly as she could. One hundred and eight, less how far we've come is... ten and a half million years. I can work out the precise date from the planets once I'm vaguely close. And Omar thought that would be a problem!

She paused. Omar... She felt no echo, not even from the other world. Gone. The emptiness she felt about that took its place next to the rest of the emptiness that was only slowly draining away.

Feeling stronger, she spread her wings and flew. Even if Jadis could track her, she could not catch up.

Author's Note

When I cut the frame tale, this chapter went from rather long to extremely short. It was one of the few things not from Omar's point of view, so I dropped it.

But it really belongs here, and I think it makes the last third more comprehensible. In particular starting with Imp Imp Imp.

The Stare

I freed myself from the roots that entangled my legs. Flakes of dirt cracked and fell as I moved. Once I was mobile, I looked around - this was recognizably where I'd just been, with the same large rocks and dip, but it was more eroded. And all the plants were different.

Okay, so it seems I was frozen in time somehow. What was that I saw, anyway? I thought back. I'd only seen it for a moment, its chicken-lizard body and terrible eyes... Cockatrice. I'm lucky to be alive at all.

Since I'd heard a scream before being petrified myself, I figured Polly or Digory must have been petrified as well. I searched about for either of them for several minutes, but found neither.

I returned to the ruins to get my bearings, and found a large hole just south of the large rock south of the ruins. Shit. I'm late... The hole was freshly dug - the heap of removed dirt was still damp on top. But not terribly late. They might still be nearby!

I called out, "Rainbow Dash? Fluttershy?"

Not receiving a response, I headed to the top of the ruins to reorient myself, and set out for Ponyville.

After one heck of a hiking experience including a rickety rope bridge, swimming across a stream sidestroke with my clothes held over my head, and a narrow cliffside path, I got close enough to Ponyville that I needed to think about running in to zombies. Or rather, I should have already been worrying about it, since one swooped down from the sky at me. I dodged to the side; she wheeled around for a second pass and got her head stuck in the crook of a tree. She was light blue - for a moment I was worried she was Rainbow Dash, but the purple tail proved otherwise. Flying zombies. Shit. At least they're too fast for their own good.

I ran, but she freed herself and soon we were weaving among the trees. I screamed for help.

And then, the pursuit stopped. I waited behind a tree, listening carefully, trying to quiet my breathing.

"That was really good, Mr. Cockatrice. Did you like that? I thought you would."

Fluttershy?

Covering my eyes, I stepped out from behind the tree. "Fluttershy!"

"Oh! Omar! You're back!"

"Yeah. Is it safe to look? I was just at the ruins to drop off the elements, and I got turned to stone, and then it was today, and I wasn't stone anymore."

Fluttershy turned to the basket. "Oh. Ooh. Now, Mr. Cockatrice, did you do that? I see. Well, thank you very much for freeing him today. Yes, that was just perfect. Better than I hoped for. Yes!"

I tentatively glanced at the source of her voice. She was carrying the cockatrice in a large basket. His eyes were kind of ugly, but didn't turn me to stone.

A call filtered through the woods - Rainbow Dash? "Fluttershy! Got another one over here!"

She swooped off, and I followed. Following the sounds of voices, I came upon the gang circled around another two now-petrified zombie ponies.

Fluttershy was just saying, "Now that she's safe, I just wanted to say, I found Omar."

Twilight Sparkle asked, "And Nightmare Moon?"

"Didn't see her."

I coughed, and they turned. Twilight Sparkle ran up eagerly. "You made it after all!"

I reached into my jacket pocket and pulled out the elements. "Yeah. So, here you go."

She looked at them. "These are the elements of harmony? What happened to them?"

Misremembering, I said, "Evil sorceress queen."

"And what happened to Nightmare Moon?"

"Evil sorceress queen."

"Oh. Well, where is this queen now?"

"No clue. Last I saw her was millions of years ago."

"So, not urgent. Now, let's see if we can use these things."

The other five each claimed their chosen element, and they stood in a circle. Twilight looked to each and said, "We've come a long way together. At first, I was just following instructions, then I was trying to save Equestria. But over the past few days, when we were struggling to keep our heads above water, and there were no elements for us to hope for, I found myself looking to you more and more anyway. If this doesn't work, I'm just going to tell you - it really must be my doing the magic totally wrong, because you all are my friends, and the best friends I've ever seen anyone have." With a deep breath, she added, "Here goes."

She drew in magic, and the stones began glowing lavender, then white. And a bright light shone from her eyes - which was pretty startling - and then they were all wearing personalized gemmed necklaces - and on Twilight Sparkle's head, a tiara formed from nothing.

Rainbow Dash hopped in the air. "Now that's more like it!"

Twilight Sparkle took a deep breath. "Now... what can we do with this? The only thing we know it's done is to bind Nightmare Moon."

I observed, "That doesn't seem particularly close to its nature of friendship."

"Right. So it can probably do more... benign things. But I'm not going to risk it. We continue with the petrification until this situation is all under control. Find Discord, bind him, bind Macidexia, then see what still needs to be done."

We worked our way towards Ponyville, finding a few more zombies - but once we hit the town proper, it seemed everyone was on the street. A wave of stoning passed through the town with us on our way to the hospital.

It was a cacophony of moans, and the entrance and windows were barricaded. Twilight Sparkle ripped the door open with magic and cleared the path. "Doctor?"

Rarity whispered to me, "Doctor Draymore has very good reflexes. He hasn't been bitten yet despite treating them from the first patient!"

This suddenly struck me as suspicious. Was Discord working through him?

He called out, "In here..."

Applejack, further ahead, rushed into a side room. "Who tied you up?"

"I did. I haven't been bitten, but I'm feeling the early symptoms. It's not just through saliva. Did you get the blood samples to Canterlot?"

Applejack said, "Yeah, Rainbow Dash did that yesterday. You don't remember?" Meanwhile, Twiight Sparkle and Rarity formed bubbles around us to ward off airborne infection.

"Oh. Right... Get away from me, then. Don't risk yourselves."

Twilight Sparkle quietly said, "We have a cockatrice. Is there anyone who you'd say is better off being petrified while waiting for the cure?"

The doctor thought for a moment - "Petrified? I... can you undo that?"

"Yes. It's... very unpleasant, but not injurious."

"Then, at least the worst - Cheerilee and Sweetie Belle - and... you're sure it works?"

Twilight Sparkle nodded.

"Do all of us. Then fumigate the whole hospital from the air. It's the only way to be sure."

Keeping close together, we swept through the hospital, leaving statues in our wake. Every zombie was tied down or locked in a room - including another doctor and four nurses, all zombies.

Then we came upon granny Smith. She snarled pathetically, straining at the packing twine holding her back.

Twilight Sparkle put up a hoof, stopping Fluttershy. "I did have a serious fright. What might it do to her?"

Applejack swallowed. "Are you saying it's not so safe?"

"For the ponies we've encountered so far, sure. And I've been thinking about the elements. We can focus on healing and being gentle, with not a touch of anger. It might be ineffective, but it's not going to hurt her. And if it works, we've found a better solution."

Applejack locked eyes with her, and nodded. "All right. Let's try."

The six focused, and the elements began humming. I stuck my head out into the hallway, making sure no pony was about, going to take our rear.

After a minute, Twilight Sparkle said, "That's as far as we can go. Let's back off, slowly."

After a few more seconds, granny Smith cleared her throat and said, "Well, how did I get in here?"

I slipped in to get a look as Applejack rushed in to give her a gentle hug. "Granny, it's good to have you back."

"Didn't know I was gone!"

Then the others crowded around and it was a wonderful scene of pure happiness until granny Smith bit Twilight Sparkle on the leg.

Patient Zero

Twilight Sparkle ripped her leg free from granny Smith's mouth as the others recoiled. After staring at the blood on her leg for a solid three seconds, ignoring the confusion and hubbub, she cut through it: "Quiet! Get me only if you need me. Mr. Cockatrice?"

She assumed a stable stance and stared at him, her intent clear. The cockatrice obliged; she shivered in momentary, expected horror, and was stone. And he was while at it, he froze granny Smith.

We were speechless for another three solid seconds. Applejack swallowed. "Well, she's got grit."

Rainbow Dash recovered and tried to push her away from the bed. "And she weighs a ton. If we do need her, it had better be right here."

The other three were still picking their jaws up off the floor, so I nudged them - "Fluttershy, why don't..." and I stopped, realizing I'd been about to give an order that would interfere with Discord's plans - something I'd been bound not to do - and apparently strong suggestions counted. Fortunately, the tone was enough to snap Rarity (if not Fluttershy) out of it.

"Here, I'll help with her..." she focused her magic and lightened Twilight Sparkle, and with Applejack's help, they were able to push her out the door.

Pinkie, meanwhile, coached Fluttershy back into activity. I kept the rear-guard - and it was a good thing I did, as a foaming earth pony shambled up behind us. With my warning, they petrified her with a decent bit of room to spare. That, however, clued us in that some of them were free, so we rejoined the three pushing Twilight Sparkle along.

They'd found another wanderer themselves, and Rarity had bound her up with some ribbons done up in a neat bow. Once she was stone, Rarity reclaimed the ribbon.

"That was a nice bit of lassoing in tight quarters! You'd make a fine farm hand!" Rarity did not seem to appreciate Applejack's compliment.

Leaving Twilight Sparkle in the hallway, we went as a group from there, hitting each room and then checking carefully - and gingerly. Having the longest arms, I was on closet-opening duty - and found zombies in several closets. In each case, they hissed at the light and lunged - and skidded to the ground, petrified.

Because we were moving methodically, we heard one room long before we came to it. Rattles, hisses... I dreaded what I'd see in there, remembering that Cheerilee was said to be the worst. My fears were founded. She was bound spread-eagled with heavy ropes that looked out of place in the hospital room. When she saw us, she spat and hissed some more, and made chomping motions. Fluttershy was afraid to go in, and none of us really trusted the cockatrice away from her. I began my sweep anyway, figuring I could retreat to the door. Cheerilee, I found, was alone.

I drew the sheet over her body and stood back so she couldn't spit on me (she'd managed to get out of her mask). She struggled, panted, then stared.

Once she was quiet, I said, "Hey there. We're working on this. Now, to buy you some time, we've brought a cockatrice, who's going to turn you into stone. It's going to be scary, but we know how to change you back. And so when you're back, we'll have doctors with a cure, or at least an idea for a cure. They'll get you all fixed up. You got that?"

She hissed.

"I'll take that as a yes." I gestured for Fluttershy to come in, and she managed it. Cheerilee howled - and it was cut off as she was petrified.

Sweetie Belle was similarly restrained in the next room - Rarity simply couldn't go in.

Then, we came to the general children's ward. Most of them charged immediately. Their statues formed a ring which made getting further in a bit tricky.

But there were wheezing breathing sounds, so we knew we had to go in. Applejack gently shifted two aside, and Fluttershy closed her eyes and let herself be led by Pinkie. The first remnant was one filly who apparently had three broken legs. She was easily petrified. We continued the sweep.

I tried to open one closet door, but it was suddenly pulled closed. "No! Go away!"

Rainbow Dash said, "Scootaloo?"

"Yeah. Who is it? Are you okay?"

"Yeah, we're fine. Are you?"

"I think so. When they made me come in to look at me, some of the other fillies went wild, and I hid in the closet, and I haven't been out since."

"When was that?"

"Two days, I think? It's been crazy. I'm so scared. Not like you."

Rainbow Dash swallowed. "It's going to be all right. Just let go of the door handle."

"How do I know you're not sick too?"

"We've been out of town, fetching... what?" I'd put my finger to my lips and shook my head vigorously. I motioned for Fluttershy to leave.

Applejack said, "Omar, what are you saying?"

I facepalmed that she'd said my name. "Don't you think Twilight Sparkle would love to see someone who's not infected after all this?"

"I'm sure she would, but she said..." She stopped.

Rarity whispered, "What are you getting at?"

Scootaloo said, "All right, I'll come out!" She turned the handle, but now I was holding the door closed.

I couldn't give orders. "Gee, I really think Twilight Sparkle would love to see this pony! It'd totally be worth the minute of her time!"

Rarity hissed, "You think she's Discord? But we've known her since she was born!"

Not exactly - clearly a bit of a game of telephone going on here - but I can't say so. "I, uh, cannot confirm or deny this."

And then Discord poofed into existence, sitting on the back of one of the petrified pegasi, leaning on one upward-pointed wing. "Hmm. Someone's violated the agreement, it seems!"

The other five shrank back. I smirked. "It only seems that way. I told Twilight Sparkle about you well before the game started!"

Discord opened his mouth and was speechless for one second. But then he came back, "Wouldn't you say that violates the spirit of the rules?"

"Well, yeah, but Celestia herself said that we only needed to follow the letter."

"No. She said I only needed to follow the letter. You still need to follow the spirit. Since you cheated, I win. No using the elements on me for the next ten years! And that includes you six, since you're Celestia's subjects. It would totally count, and you know it."

Ranbow Dash punched him in the face. "I don't need the elements to take on someone as hacked-together as you!"

He rubbed his chin and stretched his jaw. "Ah, yes. Physical violence. Having it aimed at me does make it a little less sweet, but I'll take it. Go ahead, do that again!" He reared back his head and laughed.

As he laughed, the sun rose fully. And then set, and rose high again, then calmed down a bit, backtracking towards the horizon and snuggling up next to the wrong side of a crescent moon.

Rainbow Dash, recovering from the distraction, reared up to hit him again and make it count, but he held up a finger and then pointed: one by one, the petrified fillies returned to life - confused, but clearly not zombies. Rainbow Dash halted. The fillies seemed unaware of Discord and us, and left in search of their parents. I tentatively opened the closet door and Scootaloo wandered out.

Discord conjured a pipe, which he gestured with rather than smoking. "You see - Zombies can't choose. I get nothing from them. So enjoy your health and freedom. Enjoy it as much as you want! After all, I want you to pursue happiness, and let none stand in your way!" He flashed a grin. "Now, I'm off to bigger playgrounds. But first, parting gifts."

Spike suddenly materialized in front of him.

Rarity exclaimed, "Spike!" Spike ignored her and looked around quickly.

Discord took a puff on the pipe and blew a smoke ring shaped like a blacksmith's puzzle, watching as Spike headed to the door, saw the hubbub in the hall, and instead headed for the window. "Don't blame me - I found him like this."

Rarity followed him, repeating, "Spike?"

He climbed up to the window and without hesitation dropped from the second floor and continued walking.

When we turned back for an explanation, Discord was gone. Rainbow Dash headed for the window. "That... isn't natural." - Rarity interjected, "I'll say!" - Rainbow Dash continued, "I'll follow him."

I murmured, "Nightmare Moon. She made it."

Fluttershy squeaked, "Where?"

"I'm guessing, but if I'm right, she's wherever Spike is headed. She has the ability to call and command dragons."

Rainbow Dash squeezed out the window. "I'll be careful."

Kallisti

My next order of business was to free Cheerilee. As it turned out, she was still stone when I arrived, and Sweetie Belle was not - and was freaking out pretty hard. I was about to go in to her, but Rarity caught up and swept in. Figuring she was thoroughly taken care of, I moved on to Cheerilee.

I managed to get her untied before she was released, so that when she came to, I was at her side. She'd been mid-scream when frozen, and when she was freed she resumed - "-augh! ... what?"

"Feeling better?"

She gingerly bent her legs. "You found the cure!"

"A cure has been provided... So, you do remember everything?"

She closed her eyes. "Wish I didn't."

"Can you get up?"

She rolled onto her side. "In a minute." She sniffed, then sobbed.

I wiped the tears from the nearer cheek. "What is it?"

"I... bit my students! I know it wasn't really me, but I remember it."

"Stop. Don't dwell on it. Find something else to think about."

She nodded, then looked at herself. "I... I look terrible!"

"You'll get better." I patted her leg.

She looked to me gratefully, then with confusion. "So... Nightmare Moon. You're back, and the sun is up, and we're better. What happened to her?"

"I'm not entirely sure. Last I saw her, she was fighting for her life. Some signs are that she lost. Others, not so clear." I mentally amended 'life' to 'freedom', since Jadis had appeared to be going for a capture - but only resolved to clear it up later. "And... your illness had nothing to do with her. It was a demon named Discord."

"Oh. I... this doesn't seem his style."

I was floored. "What? You knew about him?"

"Of course I knew about him. It's history. So, are you sure?"

"Celestia recognized him. And yes, it wasn't his style. He was kind of limited. Those limits have now been broken... which is why you're healthy again."

Her eyes widened. "Oh. So this isn't a good thing."

"Not the best thing, but there are obvious up-sides."

She flexed her legs once more and gingerly got up. "Then I'd better get to work."

The hallway outside the children's wing was bustling with children and fathers. The hubbub died down as ponies stared at Cheerilee. "You've got a lot of nerve, coming here." One stallion said.

Cheerilee looked past him and saw that the children were mostly wary. She cheerfully said, "I got better, just like you. No one is biting anyone anymore, are we?"

"You may be all better - no one bit you! But your teeth marks are all over them."

"No one bit me, you say? I certainly was bitten - but so what if I wasn't? Does that somehow make it my fault for getting sick?"

One of the other fathers commented, "Yeah, seriously. You don't think she could do this, even if she wanted to, do you? And right after Nightmare Moon struck?"

The first went on, "The fact of the matter is, the kids are terrified of you, so you should just stay away from them!" Up to then, the kids hadn't particularly been terrified, but the way he was shouting agitated them.

The second father approached the first, saying, "Whoa, man! You're the one frightening the kids! And it's not like you weren't out there wandering around with the rest of us!"

"Out of my face, pansy pegasus!"

"If I need to be in your pointy face to make a point, I'll get in it!"

Cheerilee, pained, said, "Stop! I'm going! Just... don't fight over it!" She turned and left, but we could hear that now the second was blaming the first. Quieter, she added, "Discord. This is Discord."

I asked, quietly, "How did they deal with him last time, before he was defeated?"

"Different strategies. Some let little things slide and focused on the big things. Some strictly enforced order, but this always led to an escalation of chaos. Worse than doing nothing. More effectively, others learned to recognize his plots. Often they were subtle, hardly noticeable..."

We had left the hospital, and found a huge crowd gathered in the square. There was a giant yellow apple on the center of a stage, with the inscription, 'For the prettiest'. There were already loud arguments over it.

"... and sometimes they were as obvious as this one."

Twilight Sparkle made her way to the center, trying to organize things. "Please, ladies! You can't nominate yourself. For example, I nominate... Rarity!"

I asked, "So, what did they do when they found one of those plots?"

"Completely disrupt them. We need to cut the apple up and hand it out. Or... not target the apple, but the contest. Disrespect the event... I nominate Omar! Sorry."

Twilight Sparkle raised an eyebrow, but I nodded, and she hesitantly put my name down on a chalkboard she'd levitated over - I was fourth, after a pair of twins who had nominated each other.

The crowd murmured in angry confusion as I approached the stage. When I jumped up, Rarity accosted me, "What do you think you're doing?"

I whispered intensely: "Rarity, I understand it's against your instincts, but for the good of Ponyville, we need to destroy this beauty contest. To that end, get me a dress. Quick."

"I know it's from Discord, but can't we do it fairly and quickly? It's the most enthusiastic pageant the town's ever had!"

"It's not enthusiastic. It's insane. We saw fathers in the hospital, but no mothers. And where's Sweetie Belle? I thought you were watching her until you found your parents."

She gasped. "Oh... I... concede! I nominate in my place... Ditzy Doo!" She dashed off.

Twilight had added three more names, and stopped to wipe Rarity's name and write in the new nomination.

That was when Pinkie Pie showed up and plopped clown noses on all of the contestants on-stage. I high-fived her. "Now we're talking!"

She went on, stealing the show, "First event is the Pretty Polka! A-one! A-two! A-" She dodged a pie, and it nailed one of the twins. "Taking a pie in the face is the third event!" Tracing back along the arc, I saw no one, but Cheerilee was moving away quickly, looking determined.

Twilight Sparkle stopped and addressed me directly. "Since this is Discord, shouldn't we be trying to make this as orderly as possible?"

A dress flopped against my back - Rarity had found Sweetie Belle, but also found the moment to get me something. As I struggled into it, I said, "Defuse a bomb by blowing it up. And this is one big bomb."

Pinkie Pie had started up the polka again. The other contestants were staring at each other; one was eyeing the stairs as if to get off, but it was occupied as Cheerilee was busy pushing Ditzy Doo up, bewildered, onto stage. I took one of her hooves in my hand and began dancing, as Pinkie began singing and playing.

It's the Pretty Polka, Pretty Polka!
Let's find the prettiest of all the folk-a!
Whose rhythm is tight
And can dance all night
And make the very very best mo-ocha!

As before with Pinkie's laughing-at-danger song, we all ended up dancing. Cheerilee, Ditzy Doo and I held hoof in hoof in hand, in a circle.

There are five gruelling events to complete
To show you're the prettiest I'll meet
prettiest dancing;
prettiest singing;
take a joke; tell a tale; sli-ide through the slee-ee-eet!

As the song ended abruptly, Ditzy slipped in the unexpected wave of slush and pulled Cheerilee and me down; the stage rocked, and collapsed.

~~~~

Twilight Sparkle was grappling with this idea. "So you're saying that was less severe than what would have happened if we'd had a proper contest?"

Cheerilee nodded. "Absolutely. By the end over twenty ponies had declared victory, and they couldn't fight over the apple itself because it had been detonated. There were only a few injuries, and barely any hard feelings between the townsponies. Can you imagine a serious contest coming out any better?"

"We were run out of town!"

"We were leaving anyway."

"Well, we were, but you?"

Cheerilee sighed. "I... think I was going to have to go. I don't want to, but I can't stay either."

Applejack asked, "Where did you find out so much about Discord, anyway?"

"History. And I read the Principia Discordia." She looked to me significantly. "I'm surprised you didn't know this material already, Omar."

I blinked. "What?"

"One of the visionaries of Discord was named Omar, and the Principia is riddled with humans. I assumed at first your people had been in the cult of Discord, back in the fnord day."

"No... Omar is a common name, and the cult of Discord doesn't even exist. I never... wait. Did you just say 'fnord'?"

"Aha!" She said it as if she'd caught me.

"I... now I'm really confused. I thought the Principia Discordia was... well, not a real thing." Sorry, comic-shop guy, for not believing you. "Are you saying it's an actual thing over a thousand years old, never mind that it was - supposedly - first printed by photocopier, which dates it to the last fifty years or so? But if it's human-based, and uses the name Omar - which has been around a lot longer than that in our timeline, which reinforces the notion that the name originated with us... Maybe it's yet more time travel?"

The others knew, but Cheerilee raised an eyebrow. "More time travel?"

I had a lot of explaining to do. I made sure we let Spike get ahead a bit, out of earshot, and told them everything. Well, everything except just how I derailed the phantasms, the dream with Cheerilee, and what Nightmare Moon was up to while off the rock.

An Exchange of Thefts

"... and then I met Fluttershy, while she was using the cockatrice to petrify ponies. We were making good progress when we slipped up and let Discord realize he'd won. Speaking of which..." I looked to Fluttershy, noticing a lack of basket.

Fluttershy said, "I returned him to the forest. He was very tired."

To Cheerilee, I asked, "So, all set?" - she was.

Now that I was done with the things we couldn't risk reaching Spike's ears, I picked up the pace a bit to catch up with him, sweeping through the tall grass as best I could. We were heading in the general direction of the Blue Valley, which had me a little nervous.

Applejack pointed out, "You must be really hungry."

Almost before I could allow that she was right, Rarity had produced a lunchbox. "Indeed! I brought this for all of us, but you can't graze - we can. Take it."

As I was gratefully accepting, Twilight Sparkle yawned and said, "I'm not sure I can stay awake to graze. I've been up for... what would have been three days straight, if we still had days and nights? Or is it four?"

Her yawn was highly infectious, hitting everyone but me - and as fortune had it, it also infected Spike. Within a minute he'd curled up under the lone tree.

Applejack, still yawning, said, "I'll watch him."

"Nonsense. I may be hungry, but I've had plenty of sleep, unlike you. Go. Get your rest."

After a few minutes, Cheerilee came from the grass and joined me. I was ripping up dried grass while waiting for my digestion to work on the one sandwich I'd started off with. She sat next to me, facing Spike. I didn't say anything at first, just tried to look supportive.

"I'm so scared, Omar. I... I don't know how I was able to do it with the apple."

"Discord probably numbed everyone's pain for a bit so you could all fall for it."

She looked at the sky. "I feel like it's all ending. Equestria itself is coming apart at the seams."

"We only just now regained the power of the Elements of Harmony. Things are going to improve. And Discord isn't so bad, if you know how to handle him. And you do... look at what we did together."

"And if he decides I'm too effective, he can just turn me into a zombie again! I... I'm not running off to do good like they are, I'm just..." She cried.

I put my hand on her neck and gently pulled her face against my chest, ready to release if she had resisted. On the contrary, she accepted the invitation and buried her face in my windbreaker - and, so hidden, cried even harder for several minutes as I stroked her neck.

Crunch.

I stood up in alarm, holding Cheerilee down for safety. Macidexia was only thirty paces off.

She was even more shocked to see me than I was to see her. "You?"

If I can convince her that I haven't experienced the X-zone spell yet, I can make her think she has to leave me alone to avoid paradox! So I went for a taunting tone. "Thought I'd just run away, eh? What are you doing outside the castle? Didn't find the reading material you were looking for?"

She hesitated. She was still a ways away, too far for me to see whether this was her younger or older variant.

I continued: "Ah, I can see it in your eyes - heh! We cleaned it out, didn't we? Great!" I shook my head with a bemused grin.

Macidexia looked at me oddly, but then snorted. "Oh, you 'cleaned it out' all right." She wasn't very good at hiding that she knew I would get 'blasted out of time itself' instead of doing any looting. And from her lack of skepticism, I figured she thought her truth enchantment was still up. It was only then that I realized I'd believed my twisted truths, before. I resolved to stick a little closer to the truth in the future, in case she pulled that again. Speaking of which, did she just renew that? To check, I tried lying outright to her instead of asking misleading questions... and couldn't. Craaap. Okay, must stick close to the truth here...

I shrugged. "I'm curious what you were after, anyway. What was so important that you needed the palace? What was worth the risk of taking down the princess?"

Macidexia growled and reared up on her hind legs, raising one foreleg as a fist, "Power. Sheer power." She shifted her shoulders, and the sun caught on her jewelry - a necklace of a fist-sized greenish gem. Maybe larger - I didn't have a good sense of scale against a rhinoceros on its rear legs.

"Oh-kay... and what brings you here, specifically?"

Macidexia approached, and I saw she was the younger one. Crap! She really does have paradox armor like she thinks I have! "There is a dragon nearby. He is taking too long to answer the summons. I am to fetch him. Don't think I can't do it, even with you surviving to 'loot the library'." She's working for Nightmare Moon? That… makes no sense whatsoever. Gonna treat her as adversary.

At that, the gang stood up from where they were hidden - Twilight Sparkle threatened, "I think I will think that. I mean, you can't."

I warned them, "Don't try..."

Macidexia laughed, realizing. "Oh, fantastic! As I suspected - you've met my future as well!" She ran past me, toward Spike. I followed at a decent distance, unsure what I could do, even if I'd been able to act freely.

There was a flash of magic up ahead, and Macidexia stumbled for a moment. As Rainbow Dash came in for an attack swoop, Macidexia deflected her with a swipe of a lump of magic shaped a bit like a tennis racket. Applejack delivered a sliding ankle kick which landed square but did little to the massive rhinoceros. Macidexia, reaching Spike, picked him up by the nape of his neck with her mouth, and sat down.

Fluttershy swept in front of her, livid. "Put him down!"

Twilight Sparkle, a ways back through the grass, added, "We can make things... very unpleasant before we let you go." She'd been gathering magic; Rainbow Dash had recovered and was circling around to her rear.

Macidexia dropped Spike in her lap. Her mouth free, she declared, "Warp." The air around her shimmered; she and Spike were gone.

Twilight Sparkle shouted to Rainbow Dash, "Get up and look down! She's not strong enough to teleport far." Rainbow Dash took off like a rocket. At first, up, where she looked around, but then ahead to where Spike had been heading. Fluttershy also flew up a bit and looked around a bit more, but did not pursue.

I returned to the tree. Rarity, Pinkie, Applejack, and Cheerilee gathered around. When we were all together, there were no further rustling sounds, and Twilight Sparkle wasn't there, so Rarity called out, "Twilight?"

Twilight Sparkle stood up and approached. "Sorry. Just... look at this thing!"

She held up the necklace, its chain severed. As she approached, we could see that it wasn't simply green, but had a prominent red shape in the center. "It's... It's almost alive! It's beyond any magic I've ever heard of! With this, I could... I could raise the dead!" Her eyes were going wild.

Applejack said, "Whoa there, Twilight. Are you sure it's not just magic that makes you think you can raise the dead?"

Twilight Sparkle paused. "Maybe so. Find something dead."

We hunted around; momentarily, Cheerilee handed her a smushed-up worm, convincingly deceased.

Twilight Sparkle took a deep breath. She drew magic into her horn, and said, "Life."

The worm, now noticeably less squashed, wriggled off her hoof.

"Holy fucking shit." I ran my hand through my hair. I'd seen mystical mists, levitation, teleportation, lightning, time travel, launching mountains into the moon, and petrification... but I wasn't ready for this.

Rainbow Dash landed, saying, "No sign of her anywhere. Looks like she can jump further than you thought."

Twilight Sparkle barely acknowledged the report as she put the gem down. "This is... I don't know what to think. It's so easy. There must be a catch. Some hidden cost." Then she blinked. "Oh fuck. FUUUCK."

"What?" we all asked - and Cheerilee clearly meant, 'What does that word mean?'

"I just burned up a fifth of my accumulated magical potential! That took me five years to gather! For a worm, who doesn't even look all that great."

I pointed out, "There may be a secret. Macidexia used this verbal magic alongside her horn magic. Or maybe restoring life takes it out of you more than other things."

She frowned. "There's no mention of that in the... description."

"That thing gives you inline documentation?"

"Like I said, it's so easy! It explains itself. Anyone... Applejack, would you try this? Don't set it off, just..."

Applejack hesitantly took the crystal. She stared at it, fascinated. She squinted at the center, then along each edge. We watched for ten seconds before Twilight prompted, "Well?"

"I... I don't know how I know. But there it is - Cure, Fire, Poison... I could..." She dropped it and backed away. "It's not right. I won't."

I picked it up - and, sure enough, I knew the words - but the only one I got the impression I could cast was 'Poison'. In the center of the gem was a red shape. It was a little hard to make out what with the gem's refraction, but it looked like a human girl. "Terra" I whispered.

Nightmares

We no longer had Spike to follow, but we did have the trail Macidexia had left on her way to us - it was directly where Spike had been heading, so it was a good guess.

Along the way, we each held Terra and felt what it was like. Rarity felt she could just barely use the Life magic, and noticed that if she considered using it, she gained a special awareness of recently dead things - but a bird skeleton apparently wasn't even a candidate for resurrection. We guessed it was too long dead. Twilight Sparkle even checked to see if the more powerful life spell could have brought it back - and no, it couldn't. That it had limits calmed her somewhat, though she was still burned about wasting so much of her magical power. We also noticed that she, and she alone, continued to be aware of the spells while she was no longer holding the gem - though she couldn't cast them.

Whenever I wasn't holding Terra, I was partly focused on cheering up Cheerilee. She wasn't crying anymore - not where anyone else could see - but she still couldn't quite deal with what was going on. I didn't have words, but I stuck with her as best I could.

The sun, meandering about, did not help us with estimating the passage of time. Macidexia's tracks passed by the way to the blue valley, instead entering short but steep hills - essentially large rocks.

Our path went by a large flat boulder leaning against the hill-face. Twilight Sparkle climbed up to it, checked under, and returned, saying, "We should stop to rest. We're all fading, and if we're going to face Nightmare Moon, we need to be at full strength. Cheerilee, can you take watch?"

She nodded weakly, but Applejack said, "I can handle it."

Twilight Sparkle leaned towards her. "No. You rest too. I'd rather do without a watch than have any of us be this worn down."

I put in, "I can stay up with her. I just need a little nap, and your power doesn't rely on me..."

"Absolutely not. You're pivotal. If she trusts you, if you can get through to her, we can end this without a fight. If she doesn't, you'll be a major distraction. Either way, you can't be all worn out. Cheerilee..." She turned to the earth pony. "I know you had to leave Ponyville, and you don't want to be alone right now. But your being around is more likely to interfere than assist - particularly on tricking Nightmare Moon with Omar. So, can you hold watch for us, do this one important thing for us, and then run away? Or you can hide - behind those rocks, say - until we come back?"

Cheerilee swallowed. "I... can do that."

So we gathered around under the boulder large rock, and Cheerilee kept an eye out, and...

I was in the hospital where great grandma died, but it was now. She was there, and had her memory. The Life spell, and a great advance in anti-Alzheimers, and she was as good as new. At least, that's what the doctor said.

I knew there was something wrong about it, though. I crept around the corner. Great grandma was tied up like Cheerilee had been, snarling and snapping.

My dream strained under the inconsistency that I hadn't noticed that sound up to then, but before it broke, I was totally saturated with panic and dashed hopes.

A terrible pair of eyes flickered.

I was in New York's Battery Park, facing the harbor, and I knew there was about to be a tsunami. And I suspected my friends were here, in danger. I ran into Twilight Sparkle.

"What are you doing here?" I asked.

"I can stop it."

She gathered magic, her eyes glowed like when she'd manifested the elements, then more, and more. It was like when Nightmare Moon had thrown her tantrum.

The wave approached. She gathered still more power, the glow from her brighter than the sun.

Then she exploded messily.

I was torn between the twin horrors of her death and my own impending doom. And her spinal fluid had gotten in my nose, blech.

A terrible pair of eyes flickered.

Cheerilee and I were making out heavily. She was saying something, but I couldn't understand it.

And then I understood: "No! Get off me!"

I was so confused that I froze. I remembered her vigorously consenting up to half a second ago, by her actions. But now I had, overlaid with that memory, memories of her kicking and screaming.

Thoughts of what would happen to me for having done this flashed alternating with thoughts of what Cheerilee would have to live with, and with a nagging insistent argument that this simply wasn't possible. This noticing the inconsistency shattered the dream, but it seriously took its time about it - and I was putting myself through hell.

I woke with a scream - and five others as well. We all looked to each other as we calmed down.

Cheerilee dashed around the rock. "What happened?"

"Bad dreams!" croaked Rarity. Her voice steadied as she turned to us, "Yours like mine, with those eyes between?"

Pinkie Pie giggled in her sleep, and Twilight Sparkle still appeared to be stunned, on the verge of tears - but the rest of us nodded. I was still having a hard time convincing myself that I hadn't in fact raped Cheerilee, so I couldn't meet her gaze. Anyone's gaze.

Twilight, finally recovered, said, "Outside of Pinkie it looks like Nightmare Moon is going to keep us from getting any more sleep until we've taken her down. Fabulous." She rubbed her forehead wearily. "How long were we out, Cheerilee?"- "About twenty minutes." - "Then we won't get anywhere this way. Let's just move and get it over with." She creakily got to her feet.

As Rarity gently woke Pinkie Pie, I forced myself to look to Cheerilee. Her expression was the proof I needed. Still, I couldn't move first. She came to me, took my hand in her hoof. A context-independent part of my mind thought this would be a wonderful time to begin thinking once more about the mechanism of opposable digits in Equestrian ponies. I managed to giggle at the absurdity of the timing of that curiosity, and sniffle at the same time.

"There you go. All better?"

I nodded. Getting there, anyway.

She went on, "Be careful. I..."

"... have high hopes? So do I."

She nodded. "Are you ready to go?"

"If you're ready to stay, alone."

She nodded, more anxiously this time. "I'll live. Go."

With a wave, we set off. When I looked back, she was already moving to a hiding place.

After several minutes, we came through a narrow pass, all strung out single file.

"Halt!" An unfamiliar woman's voice came from our side. It was high-registered, but hard and commanding. I looked up and after a few moments found a muscled blonde human woman in a white and green military uniform stepping out from behind a rock. She focused mainly on Twilight Sparkle.

Twilight Sparkle asked, "Who are you?"

"I am general Chere, of the Vectorian empire. You are surrounded, and your assassination attempt has failed." Glancing around, I could see brown-suited human soldiers rising from more hiding places among the rocks.

Twilight Sparkle ignored them, saying, "Assassination? We were tracking down a rogue demon princess named Nightmare Moon, whose aim is to plunge the world into eternal darkness. Whoever you are, you're best off with us keeping doing that."

The general raised an eyebrow. "Nightmare Moon? Hmm. Well, she is now our responsibility. To assist us in dealing with her, please cooperate with your interrogators. We may take you on as client state auxiliaries if your talents are necessary."

Rainbow Dash scoffed. "Client state?" To her friends, she said, "What do you think of some 'harmony'?"

The suggestion was met with immediate approval - the six began to power up the elements. There was a peculiar sensation of time as it did - I couldn't move away, even to give them a clearer shot. The general raised her sword in the air and focused on it.

A spiral rainbow formed, and emitted a ray that struck her... to no apparent effect. The peculiar time-stretch sensation passed.

The general dusted herself off. "That certainly looked aggressive, so... Slimer!"

Before the elements could be brought to bear again - if that was indeed what they wanted to do, since it didn't seem to be working - a green ghostly figure swept across us, trailing green slime. My body softened and collapsed in on itself. I wobbled on my now round feet and looked down at myself - a smooth green sexless duckish humanoid with a ring of golden hair sticking out around my head.

"Imp imp IMP?" (What the FUCK?)

This thought was mirrored by the other six, except they all fell over from lack of experience with bipedality.

Imp Imp Imp

The imperial soldiers led by general Chere herded us along the path. They were surprisingly accommodating to us, taking into consideration the limitations of our imp forms, and the bipedality this form had forced on the ponies with me. One seemed to be doing better on two legs - and from her behavior, I guessed she was Pinkie Pie.

General Chere fell back to me and asked, "I see you're human, unlike these kirin 'ponies'. Where are you from? Doma?"

I shook my head, wondering how much I could possibly keep secret. I couldn't maintain the illusion of being from her world if she got at all serious asking me questions.

"Western half of the world?"

I held out my hand and wavered it. She was of course speaking of the wrong world. I decided that when the time came, I could semi-truthfully indicate that my path here had been extremely long and irreproducible, with the false implication that my world wasn't about thirty miles from where we stood - so it was safe to be clear that I wasn't from her world.

"So, central-ish. Figaro?"

I looked to her in pure confusion, and shook my head.

Apparently my expression managed to convey my ignorance, as she said "Interesting" and dropped the subject.

She then called a halt and turned to the other imps. "Which of you is the purple one?"

Ater a moment, one stepped forward.

The general said, "You have something of ours - a piece of magicite. I'm going to transform you back to recover it, and ask some questions. I understand if you don't answer, but if you lie, we will eventually be able to tell, and you will be very very sorry you did. If you try to fight me, I cannot guarantee the safety of your friends. Am I clear?" To accent the point, some of the soldiers around us held their swords to our backs.

The Twilight Sparkle-imp nodded.

The general passed an oddly-shaped bone on a necklace off to one of her soldiers. Just as he cast a spell - "Imp" - and Twilight Sparkle unfolded into herself, the general raised her sword in the air and kept it there. The soldier took Terra from Twilight Sparkle's neck. The general added, "Take the crown too, for the time being. It looked like a relic. But don't lose it. I was serious about their possibly becoming auxiliaries." The soldier took the tiara.

The general lowered her sword, and relaxed. Then she asked, surprisingly kindly: "You were chasing someone - Nightmare Moon. Does she have any other name?"

Twilight thought for a moment. "Yes, but I don't know what it is."

"In particular, does she look like this?" She reached for her pocket and pulled out a coin.

Twilight Sparkle looked at it. "No. Definitely not. She's a pony. Night 'Mare' Moon."

That set the general severely off-balance. "What? Umm. Okay... Could Nightmare Moon shift forms?"

"Not that I know of. Well, she can travel as a mist."

The general considered for a few seconds, then noticed that the soldier who'd taken Terra seemed agitated. She asked him, "What is it?"

"Ma'am, you should see for yourself." He offered her the magicite.

She accepted the gem and immediately gasped. "Terra?" Then her eyes widened further, murmuring, "Merton? Ultima? With no training period?" She was silent for five long seconds.

"Where did you get this?" she demanded, furious.

Twilight Sparkle hemmed a bit, then replied, "From one of the agents of Nightmare Moon. We fought, and she dropped it before fleeing."

The general frowned, then asked her soldiers, "When the empress ordered Kefka terminated, did the body go on display?" - none of them knew - "Disappeared... and then his life's work turns up super-powered and dead." She took off her cape and boots and ordered, "Sprint shoes!"

Momentarily, a pair of shoes was provided. She put them on, issuing orders too quietly for us to hear. The soldier with the bone thing restored Twilight Sparkle to imphood, then offered the thing to the general. She declined, leaving it with him - and then left us behind, running forward at about twenty meters a second - really ridiculously fast.

We continued on our way for a few minutes without further incident.

One of the soldiers called an alarm - "In the air!"

We looked up, and saw a flight of pegasi, some pulling chariots. More were behind - hundreds. They stretched into the distance. It seemed some were herding clouds.

The soldier with the bone thing said, "They're headed for the base! Vicks! Pull a few of 'em down!" He rushed to one of the other soldiers and handed it off.

"Sir?"

"The general's out there alone. We need to distract them to let her get to the camp safely and organize the defenses."

The soldier swallowed, accepted the bone, and began casting: "Gravity One Hundred!" A deep breath, then again, and again... and each time, a pony was pulled down from the sky. He kept going, but he couldn't pull down more than one at once, and there were many.

The pegasi he pulled down landed around us, mostly unharmed - momentarily. The soldiers surrounding and outnumbering the surprised pegasi beat them unconscious - and but for their armor, it would have been worse. However, this imperial advantage was short-lived as dozens of pegasi swooped down and attacked.

The officer took the bone from Vicks and began casting spell after spell, repeatedly healing them all from near-death injuries. The imperial forces regained the advantage as the pegasi were unable to keep them down. A few of the other soldiers cast a single spell each, momentarily calling strange beasts to their aid, much like the 'slimer' spell we had been initially imp-ed with, though not as effective: a giant mouse made several of them glow with a yellow light, and a heron bathed others in purple.

Two of the pony-imps were trying to attack the imperial soldiers and barely succeeding in even approaching them. For myself, I knew I'd be useless in this body - it felt more like I was a barely-walking not-quite-talking gummi bear than anything else.

We'd drawn the attention of the full armada, and down swooped a flight of chariots.

One soldier summoned a glowing bearded man. The chariot-riding unicorns focused their energy, enclosing him in a sphere. He released a wild array of lightning which bounced around inside the sphere - and then vanished.

More unicorns landed outright, and, now stable, were able to act more precisely. They bound up the officer who'd been healing, and he stopped casting. Others protected the pegasus soldiers and tripped up the imperials. In short order, the ponies held the field.

One of the imps galloped towards the landed chariot, calling, "IMP! Imp Imp Imp!" - but a pegasus kicked her aside, saying, "Down, boy."

I recognized one of the unicorns from when I was ferrying messages - he was a ranking royal guard, and Twilight Sparkle's brother.

I tried to write a message in the gravel, but it wasn't terribly clear, and no one was looking anyway. I heard snatches of what they were saying - "...the empress..." -- "... tend the wounded ..." -- "... rescue her quick, even so!" -- and then, finally, I got a clear one: "It may be sudden, it may be very unexpected, but you heard the command. No mutiny. She knows the prophecy, and this is the best way she could find. Ignes - they're your family. For Celestia's sake - and I mean that literally - just do it! Please!"

When I looked up, I saw that that princess who'd been the stand-in for Celestia, Ignes, was in a staring match with Twilight Sparkle's brother. "I will do it. But I will not acknowledge Nightmare Moon as the empress of Equestria!" She gathered her magic, levitating all of the wounded. Then she took to the air and headed off the way they'd come, taking them with her.

The rest of the force took off again and headed on. The soldiers had been left gagged with iron bits, tied up and unconscious.

"Immmmmp!" ("Well, shit.")

One of the other imps found a writing pad on one of the soldiers, and managed to write: "Now what? - R"

Another took it and wrote, "Follow Macidexia's trail? - AJ" She pointed out how we were still on it.

"Cure curse first - TS - can't use magic."

"Ungag one soldier, make him do it? - RD"

Twilight Sparkle took the pad back, adding "RISKY"

"If I could talk, I'd get them on our side in a few minutes - R". After a moment, she added, "probably."

Another pony underlined the first phrase of what she had just written.

I grabbed the pad. "I heard Nightmare Moon is empress of Equestria - O"

Apparently, most hadn't.

"Then where's Spike off to?" (I'm not sure who that was)

Rarity interrupted our contemplation of our situation by saying, "Problem solved!"

She was wearing the white cape the general had dropped. And she was a pony.

We passed it around and in short order were all restored to our proper selves.

Momentarily, Twilight had recovered the element of magic; I'd grabbed the bone thing they kept passing around; Rainbow Dash had liberated one of the pieces of magicite that had been used in the skirmish from its previous bearer.

She commented, "'Indigo.' Meh. Fewer, weaker spells. Can't cast 'em. Want a look, Twi?"

Twilight Sparkle caught the green gem and examined it and another she'd found. "This one is Ratatosk. I can only summon them, not cast... completely unsustainable expenditure, though."

I fished another piece of magicite - Ramuh - out of the shirt of the soldier who'd summoned the lightning guy. Even I could summon this one, so it must be pretty cheap! "Hey, take a look! Looks like a much better deal."

She accepted it, and looked at me oddly. "Not particularly. Almost as much as the life spell! Just for a bit of lightning?"

"No way. I couldn't come anywhere near the life spell. I could summon this guy."

"Give me that bone thing... aha! That's it! This makes their magic much cheaper. Still a bit pricey, but not insane." She looked me over. "If you can use them with this economizer thing, then take 'em. It's not like you're using your magic for anything else."

I accepted the gems. Having acquired all of the powerful items we knew of, we continued retracing Macidexia's (and general Chere's) footsteps with renewed energy.

Convocation

At the next hilltop, we saw where the pegasus armada had been heading - an imperial base on the top of the next broad, round hill. They had constructed a tornado over it. I looked to Rainbow Dash, saying, "You can do that?"

She was agape. "That's... awesome! At least four thousand wingpower!" Wingpower? "Oh, yeah, we can control the weather. They must have emptied Cloudsdale and half the other cities in Equestria!"

Applejack grimly said, "But look what they're doing." Indeed, the base was being utterly demolished. Outlying funnels were mopping up the fleeing troops. It was a slaughter.

Twilight Sparkle sat down roughly. "I don't even know what to do. It looks like this new empress Nightmare Moon actually has Equestria under her control, and... appears to be defending it effectively! If my brother was following her orders..."

I said, "She may not have changed her name, but when I left her, Nightmare Moon was not the same being that you encountered."

"So she was halfway good?"

Rainbow Dash pointed out, "But those nightmares?"

"Half way to neutral, maybe. She did go so far as to explicitly state she wouldn't actually plunge the world into literal eternal darkness. Something like this doesn't seem beyond her."

Twilight Sparkle nodded, saying "Then who took Spike? Macidexia had Terra. Omar, what do you know about the Vectorian Empire?"

"Never heard of them. Must be another world."

"And they invade the same time as Nightmare Moon returns. This is very suspicious."

"You think she invited them in to have an enemy to rally the ponies against, to consolidate her rule?"

Twilight Sparkle blinked. "That's... horrible! Anyway, the general seemed to indicate that Terra was from the Empire. And then the empress or someone killed her. Anyway, Terra is linked to the Vectorian Empire, and Macidexia is linked to Terra. So she's probably with them. Right?"

Everyone nodded.

"So, the empire has Spike. I propose we rescue him and sort the rest out later. Any objections?"

We looked to each other. Applejack hesitantly said, "That seems to be what Discord sent us to do. It might play into his plans."

Twilight Sparkle's eyes narrowed. "I have a hunch that we're on the same side on this one. Let's hope I'm wrong. Dash, see if you can catch up with the general. She might actually be… I can't put my hoof on it."

Rainbow Dash took a moment before agreeing, then leapt into the air. "What do I do when I find her?"

"Figure out what she's up to. I think we have more in common. Try not to harp on the way her command just got wiped out."

"Roger!" She zoomed up and scanned the nearby hills. "Whoa."

"What?"

"Dragons. A lot of them, and they're big. Coming this way. Well, to the battle."

"Any sign that the army has spotted them?"

"Not yet. They're a ways off, still."

Twilight Sparkle lay her head on the ground, hooves over her face. "What do I do? If we warn the army, we're helping Nightmare Moon, and betraying Celestia. If we don't, we're betraying the ponies of Equestria. Do we just take on the dragons ourselves? What would Celestia do? She used to be so infallible."

Rainbow Dash added, "Do you still want me to get the General? I see her."

"Yeah."

"What do I say!?"

"Use your own fucking judgement!" Twilight snapped.

Rainbow Dash let a moment pass, then shrugged and zoomed off. The rest of us looked to each other, alarmed.

Applejack said, "Twi... do you trust your brother?"

Twilight Sparkle closed her eyes. "I do. I just don't know whether he's really with her, or trying to minimize the harm she can cause from the inside."

"Does it matter?"

Twilight Sparkle stood, faced the remnant of the battle. I'd been facing away, and took a look myself - the tornado had subsided, and the pegasi had landed to mop up. She said, "I'll go. I can get there in moments. Rarity, hold my element, just in case." She took it off. Rarity hesitantly packed it in her bag. With a new resolve, Twilight began gathering magic.

Fluttershy whispered, "Good luck."

Twilight teleported.

Applejack stamped her hooves and said, "So, are we going to make Rainbow Dash a liar when she tells the general we're coming? We gotta keep going! Twilight can find us easily enough."

Fluttershy moaned, "The dragons..."

"... are coming if we go to 'em or not. Do you want to meet 'em alone, or with that general on our side?"

When she looked at it that way, getting moving seemed a great deal more attractive. There was a ridgeside path that went in the direction Rainbow Dash had gone, and we set out one last time.

Rainbow Dash swooped up over our backs as we climbed one of the hills, and stopped right in front of us. "The general thought that hill up ahead would be best. Where's Twilight?"

Applejack replied, "Finding out what she can about Nightmare Moon. She'll be back when we need her."

"Well, we kind of need her to do anything against those dragons."

We crested the hill - wide and flat. The dragons were still approaching, taking their time, traveling only as fast as the slowest, largest dragons in the center of the formation. Now that they were closer, we saw there were around twenty.

A rapid patter of footsteps and general Chere was with us. She panted and took off the sprint shoes. "Where's the purple one?"

Applejack said, "She'll be along."

"Are you sure? It looks like your air force is retreating."

We spun - and sure enough, a cloud of pegasi was flying away.

Rainbow Dash complained, "No way. No way! Oh, phew. Look at 'em." She was pointing to the side. A few blue dots were visible, streaking through the air, circling the dragons. "The wonderbolts are on it. And there, and there... Looks like they're all out. Awe-some!"

We were watching their scouting and harrassing - they actually engaged some of the peripheral dragons - when around us there was a chorus of popping sounds of teleport arrivals: Twilight Sparkle first, then her brother, and two other royal guard unicorns. They bowed preemptively as a flight of eight alicorns approached and landed. In the center of this formation was the smaller, softer variant of Nightmare Moon - and, by the deference immediately shown her, clearly the empress.

She said, "Go." and the others set about various tasks: one pink alicorn established a bubble shield around the hilltop; a light blue one established what amounted to a giant telescope for viewing the incoming dragons; a red-coated one I recognized as the stern tutor from that jurassic dream (!) created what looked like giant Van der Graff generators out of the ambient rock, ripping the materials straight from the earth. Others executed less obvious tasks.

Twilight Sparkle ran to us and said, "Quick!" to Rarity - she levitated out the element of Magic and passed it to Twilight.

Then she hurried back towards Nightmare Moon, and the other five followed closely. Giving her three lengths of personal space, Twilight Sparkle halted and bowed. The other five hesitantly imitated her.

Nightmare Moon ignored them - she had spotted me, and was staring. With as much dignity as I could muster, I strode to the line the others had formed, and bowed.

Finally, she spoke, coolly. "I thought you died in Charn."

I rose from my bow. "I thought you died on Earth. I'm glad to see I was mistaken."

Her look was highly suspicious: "What power did you hide from me, that let you escape and make your way here? Or did Jadis take you too?"

"I used her chair. Explorers found me. Had help from there."

She seemed momentarily satisfied. "We will speak more later." A glance to the approaching dragons, and she shifted her attention to the gang. "The elements may be able to forestall open combat. This will provide an opening I can use to try to command her dragons. How much experience have you gathered with them?"

Twilight Sparkle swallowed. "Well, we momentarily healed a pony infected by Discord. And we blasted the general over there, but it didn't do anything."

Nightmare Moon looked at the general, who was being discreetly watched by two unicorns. "It dispelled her illusions. Hold off until I tell you. Definitely do not strike their empress until we have the dragons. When the moment comes, bring yourself up as close as you can to striking, without actually striking. It will prevent evasion or attack. We can talk at length then."

Then she looked to the general intently. The general met her gaze, appraoched and saluted. The empress asked, "What is your name? What are you doing here?"

"I am general Celes Chere. The empire is led by a monster who does not care about it in the least, merely thinking it useful to her selfish ends. She must be defeated."

"Can you fight these dragons?"

After a moment, she said, "I may be able to take on the mid-size dragons one at a time. The largest are definitely beyond me. I am more tuned to fighting espers and magic wielders - such as the empress. Without me, I believe she would annihilate you in moments. I can neutralize her magic. Just don't try to cast any of her kind yourselves."

"Our destroying your army does not bother you?"

She took a deep breath. "If afterwards I may return and tend the fallen, I expect there will have been very few true fatalities, merely many who look dead. And even if they are dead... I couldn't exactly blame you for defending yourselves. It is tragic."

Nightmare Moon gestured her back. There was no more time to talk - the first dragons were scratching at the shell surrounding us. Soon more, and larger, dragons piled on.

Only when the largest were about to land on the top of the dome did Nightmare Moon command Twilight Sparkle, "Now!"

The elements flared, and time seemed to slow down.

Not everything slowed down - Nightmare Moon boomed out, obviously amplified, "Dragons, heed my call. I am Nightmare Moon, who created you. And for this, today I demand the price."

The odd slowed time continued as the dragons stopped altogether, and looked up to a tiny dot at the top of the dome. The dome rippled, and began dissolving from the top. The dot fell, ever so slowly.

It unrolled and we could see it was a woman, her long black hair trailing in the wind of her passage. She spread her arms and hovered. Once she was still, we could tell she was in full armor of black and violet, with a sword at her side and shield strapped across her back. "False, so-called 'Nightmare Moon'! Who are you really? You have no basis to demand anything from these dragons!"

"I am Nightmare Moon, who created them! Who took the promise from their parents, in exchange for dragons ever existing."

"Lies!" The dome's dissolution continued, and the heaviest dragon up top began to fall inwards, slowed further by its broad wings. "I, the empress Jadis Gestahl, the Nightmare Moon, command the dragons, by the agreement held from the dawn of time!" Sometimes I feel kind of dim - I hadn't figured out who she was.

Nightmare Moon growled, "Then that agreement breaks now - for only when our pact was already made did I build the headwaters of the stream of time! Dragons! Do you remember? Or do you forget who brought you past the cataclysm? Who your parents were? What was their promise?"

The oldest, heaviest dragon - balanced on the top, now sagging through the growing gap - started, and the others joined: "Our unlaid - unhatched - our children - our dragons. One day is not too much to give for your lives. Answer the call of Nightmare Moon. Serve the one responsibe for your birth, for our survival." The oldest continued heavily, slowly - "We already serve Nightmare Moon. She did ensure our survival. Where were you when we first hatched? Did you guide us and spread us across the worlds?"

"She is an egg-thief! She only wanted your power!"

The dragon replied to Nightmare Moon, "So did you."

"Does that make the difference? Would you have followed one who, fully responsible for your birth, only thought to serve?"

The elder dragon looked down to Jadis. She was seemingly preparing to mount his neck when he fell past. He asked her, "Mistress, what do you say?"

She cackled. "Certainly. Let it be her fault. Let her..."

Nightmare Moon boomed over her. I barely slammed my hands over my ears soon enough, and even so it was nearly deafening. "Though you are enjoined to come to the call of Nightmare Moon, you are only required to serve the one responsible for your birth. The one most responsible is standing before me: Omar. And he only thought to help you. He devised the deal only to convince me, and argued me down to a day of service. He brought your aunts and uncles, the dinosaurs, with no promises at all."

I was speechless, but Jadis shrieked, "What?"

Nightmare Moon turned to me, and I was suddenly amplified. I hurried before Jadis had a chance to regain control of the situation: "Go home, all of you! Go in peace. Ignore any orders from Nightmare Moon - anyone who's ever claimed the name - and not just you here, but any dragons called in the future. This is my command."

Nightmare Moon ended the amplification. The dragons slowly milled about and began to back off. The eldest gave me a long look, nodded deeply, and with a powerful flap of his wings, began to rise back out of the half-dissolved dome.

The elements of harmony dimmed, and time resumed its normal pace. The pink alicorn who'd formed the shell fell to her knees, panting.

Meltdown

I watched the dragons split up and go their own ways. The wonderbolts paced them, presumably to verify their timely departure.

Jadis laughed off the loss of her dragons. She seemed to find it hilarious, actually. "You spent all that... to reduce my overwhelming force... to an overwhelming force! Quick! Ultima! Ultima!"

She ran through the sequence expecting the Quick spell to go off. But the general's raised sword sucked in the magic, and the following pronouncements did not result in spells.

"Strike with the elements!" Nightmare Moon called out, but nothing happened.

She turned - Twilight Sparkle was still panting from overexertion, and the others not much better. "It's a little soon, your majesty." I marvelled that she used the term of respect so fluidly.

Adjusting to this situation, she ordered the others, "Attack!" Then, back to Twilight Sparkle, "Don't try again until I say."

Jadis caught those blasts that would have struck her on her shield. She seemed to just sit there and take it - we couldn't see what she was up to. I glanced at the general - she had her sword raised again, and was focused on it.

Nightmare Moon barked, "Form a wingtip circle!"

As the guard-unicorns kept up their attack and Nightmare Moon observed carefully, the other alicorns trotted into a circle, touched wingtips. Even the pink one who'd held the shield dragged herself to her feet and joined in. They focused in for a more powerful blast.

A ball formed in the center - a swirl of plants, fur, lightning, glowing jagged shapes, metal, water, and what looked like oscilloscope lines. This ball grew to fill the circle. One side bulged, then out shot a septuple helix, one of each type. Instead of meeting Jadis' shield, it curled around.

In a second, the ball flowed up the helix, surrounded her, and shrank to nothing. It left no sign of Jadis.

Before I could get my hopes up, Nightmare Moon shouted, "Prepare again! She escaped at the last moment, somehow."

Momentarily, Jadis reappeared. Under her hands floated two balls. In the right hand ball floated princess Celestia; in the left, several imps; all were unconscious. They floated down toward the ground gradually, forty paces off on the other end of the hill. The ball around the imps disappeared, leaving them sprawled awkwardly across the grass.

Jadis didn't even need to state the threat, instead examining the reactions.

Nightmare Moon shouted, "Jadis. You have lost. Turn them over, and we'll let you leave. Any further harm, and you will die."

Suddenly, the wingtip circle disappeared. There was no visible sign of what had happened to them.

As we were trying to absorb this, Jadis once more laughed - this time, gloating. "You were saying? They've been sent to a horrid place that drains your strength. Now it's just you, the traitor, not even a handful of guards, and..."

One of the royal guards was knocked into the other, and both slammed into the third, and then all three were crushed into the ground. Nightmare Moon reflexively released a jolt of black lightning at the point of collision. There was a thump, and a stunned Macidexia gradually lost invisibility as she glided down and skidded to a halt. Twilight Sparkle rushed to the guards' side, followed by her friends. "Cure! Please? Oh shoot - Celes..." She looked to the general with her magic-sucking sword, pained.

Jadis continued, "A good trade for me. Failure yet again, false Nightmare Moon. You ceded that name when you ran from me - after I'd already earned it from you. Why do you cling to it? Your unwillingness to see when you've lost is almost admirable. Your followers are down or irrelevant, and the traitor is merely blocking the most extreme of my powers - powers I didn't have when I defeated you the first time, unarmed."

"I kept the name to control the dragons. Now that they are gone - yes, let this charade end. I am Luna."

Twilight Sparkle stepped up alongside and met Jadis' eyes. "And she's not entirely alone." As she said this, the other five stepped up alongside.

Luna said, "Are you recovered sufficiently to use the elements, or to teleport rapidly?"

After a moment's thought, Twilight replied, "Not yet."

Jadis, seeing that delay would not serve her, drew her sword and charged.

Luna only had time to command them, "Hang back!"

I'm sure the battle as Luna attempted to fend off Jadis was very impressive, but I can't attest to it because I realized there were two things I could contribute. First, I tapped Rarity on her pack as she retreated as ordered (fortunately she wasn't running, or I wouldn't have been able to reach her). I said, "Prisoners. Cape."

"Right!" she pulled out the cape and passed it to Rainbow Dash, who zoomed off to restore the imps to their proper forms. Then, I rushed to the general and whispered, "Can I have Terra?"

Without diverting her eyes, she muttered, "Just don't cast except right after I've absorbed something. You can summon, though." I untied the gem's hastily mended necklace from around her neck. The warmth filled me once more. Since I had the economizer, I could cast any of the spells. The most relevant seemed to me to be Ultima, but since it was an area effect spell, I wasn't too sure about using it on Jadis while she was so close to Luna - even if I was given the opening by Jadis attempting to cast again. With the life spells, at least I'd be able to do something if the worst came up. The description of what summoning Terra would do was simply a question mark - the only completely unhelpful description.

Then I saw that Macidexia was stirring. She was no longer tended, as the battle had passed too close, and the other ponies had focused on getting the guards out of the way while retreating. I realized that this was the older Macidexia. We could not afford to have her up and about, in either version - but as the older one, she no longer had fate protection. Recalling Celes' warning, I summoned Terra.

The feeling of summoning was far more intense than simply directly perceiving the options. Time slowed again. It was like I was reaching in and helping Terra out of the gem, with my mind. The words "The Unanswered Question" occurred to me as I called out Terra's name. A glowing girl appeared in front of Macidexia, and stared at her. Their eyes locked. A whisper that could have carried a mile escaped her lips. "Who am I? What do I want? What do I have worth living for?"

Macidexia blubbered for a moment. "You're Terra?"

Terra, apparently dissatisfied with the answer, drew back and smacked Macidexia so hard it rolled her over. Without waiting for her to stop rolling, Terra shot a broad hole through her body with a glowing red beam from her eyes. But after a moment, Terra laid a hand across her, healing the wounds she'd just created. Then she vanished - leaving Macidexia, confused, getting to her feet.

The battle paused, everyone staring at the spectacle. Jadis once again demonstrated variety in her laughter, this time showcasing incredulity. "What... overpowered and yet completely useless! Macidexia, please fetch Terra from that worm before he hurts someone." Macidexia was still shocked, but momentarily set into motion. I had already taken off running.

Macidexia was catching up. She couldn't see just what I was doing, so I pulled Ramuh out of my camera bag, stuffed in Terra, and threw Ramuh back towards general Chere. Macidexia, of course, intercepted it with a bit of horn-magic. I wished I'd carried Ratatosk as well - Ramuh looked too useful.

I checked in on how things were doing: the imped prisoners were, apparently, two elephants - one adult and one child - and an old lady. These were not exactly the reinforcements we'd been hoping for, and none of them seemed inclined to help in any way. Macidexia was trundling up the hill with 'Terra' (actually Ramuh) levitated before her...

... and Jadis had Luna at swordpoint.

Twilight Sparkle whispered, "Now?"

Luna said, "No." even as the sword-tip stroked a row of fine scars along her neck.

Jadis gloated, "I remember the taste of your blood. The pure helplessness. It is a pity that under these circumstances I think I might have to kill you instead of finishing the job of draining you. But there's always your sister..."

Sister! I interrupted: "Jadis, do you feel as your sister did in her last moments?" That got her attention, though she tried not to show it. I continued, "If you slay her, I will have no reason not to do to you what you did to her." Wishing to avoid picking up dangerously erroneous beliefs, I very very quietly - inside my mouth - finished that thought, 'aside from being unable to do so.'

"Worm, you know nothing of magic. I have my own fountain of life. No deplorable word can touch me. And that's imagining you could even use one."

As she spoke, I qualified sub-vocally, 'Two unrelated statements follow.', then replied out loud, "There are other words of power. Can you survive a fireball hotter than the sun, large enough to destroy a mid-sized city?"

"Ridiculous. Macidexia said you were a liar."

"Then she also told you she's enchanted me so I cannot lie in her presence. Ask her about thermonuclear war."

Macidexia gulped. "They do have such powers, your majesty."

Jadis did not spare me a glance, still focused on Luna. "He hasn't a drop of magical blood!"

Macidexia countered, "Very few of them do. And yet, they do have these other powers."

Jadis' laugh bore contempt like dirty laundry. "You are too credulous."

"It is not too credulous to believe someone under a truth enchantment!"

I declared, as sternly as I could manage, "Zeeky."

Jadis went on, "Macidexia, cast something."

"Boogy."

There was a crack and Celestia's bubble shattered. "Stop!" Celestia commanded. "You must not!" Everyone was startled - even Jadis nearly took her sword away from Luna's neck. Celestia looked terrible, but she wasn't sneezing anymore.

I paused in my recitation. I did not need to hedge at all as I said, "Princess, if she wins, eventually, Equestria will be as Charn, her homeland - completely dead. Rocks and mud and sand. And eventually, in the wood between the worlds, it will darken, shrivel, and dry. Utter destruction. She did this to her own people. Intentionally. Better that we few die here than all of Equestria."

Jadis drawled, "Oh, 'princess', you believed Macidexia - you'll believe anyone." Macidexia hardly noticed the insult as she stared in horror at me. I realized first that I hadn't had any subvocal qualifications, and second that I had spoken the straightforward truth, so they were unnecessary. And, judging from the look, Macidexia knew I had.

Celestia shook her head at Jadis, but turned to me. Very gravely, she warned me, "I know this phrase. If you complete it, Equestria will be as Qrrbrbirlbel."

My brain exploded. Not literally, but I was ready to faint. Was the Demented Cartoon Movie, like the Principia Discordia, more true than I thought?

Jadis laughed, piqued. "A coward! I knew it!"

"On the contrary: my sister and I would take a thousand years to regain corporeal form, but we would."

"As would I. Only by then, the land would be under the control of the Empire. You could only destroy a light scouting force by applying your full strength." She shook her head. "Macidexia, cast something to cancel with the runic blade."

Macidexia asked, "And what then? You won't be in a position to revive me - no one will."

"Cast a spell or I will retreat and leave you to face them alone. And if you follow, I'll cut you down myself!"

Macidexia snarled, "Very well: Bolt of Judgement!"

Ramuh appeared and raised his staff. Luna braced herself, but Ramuh's lightning was drawn by the spires 'Maximilian' had erected, and then redirected onto Jadis.

The lightly fried empress recovered in a moment, but by that point, Luna was a mist. Jadis turned and tracked the mist to avoid giving Luna any opportunities. "Idiot!"

"You said it'd be cancelled!"

Jadis continued to turn, tracking Luna's circling mist. "That's not a spell! Imbecile! Now we're back to a real fight! If she ever comes out of hiding, that is. Didn't you notice them summoning Terra?"

"It blocks their spells too?"

The gang fidgeted; Celestia held a hoof to her lips. The gang reluctantly stood back and let things progress.

Jadis went on, more bitingly, "And why didn't you cast when you were invisible?

Macidexia ranted, "How am I supposed to know? You lent me magicite, an economizer, and a... handful of tinctures... and had me kill a gagged clown over and over again. That's everything you ever 'taught' me. No theory. You didn't even mention this magic cancellation, let alone that it can only cancel one spell at once, or can't block summoning, or comes from holding a runic blade. And I still don't see any blades with runes on."

Jadis explained with exaggerated false patience, "I gave you what you demanded. If you try to renege, Life won't help you, even if you could find someone to cast it on you."

Macidexia spoke with the momentum of an iceberg. "I'm just saying, I'm not an idiot."

Exasperated, Jadis shrieked, "Then cast something!"

Slight pause. "Does it need to be reflectable?"

"No! Just... cast Ultima on them, in case it goes through! This will work!"

"I... don't have Ultima. Will Bio work?"

I started over, with no intention of finishing: "Zeeky."

"Shut up!" shrieked Jadis. Back to Macidexia, she continued, "I can't even retreat safely since you filled the place with demigods! Cast a spell, or go over and hit her until she reacts..."

I held off on 'boogy' since I didn't want my bluff called - and whether or not 'zeeky boogy doog' worked or not, it was a bluff. If Celestia thought it was unacceptable, that was good enough for me.

Jadis finished, lamely, "... and now she's mounted?"

I turned and found that general Chere was riding Celestia. It looked wrong. So very wrong. But less wrong than her being stuck in place and vulnerable.

Jadis continued, "When did you let that happen?"

"Me? You're the one with this Quick-Ultima-Ultima spell you could have slipped in!"

"What's wrong with you, slave? Did Terra do something to you? Did her spirit rub off on you?"

Macidexia seized on the explanation: "Yes, I'm sure that was it! A more complicated version of muddle! One Remedy and I'll be all better!"

"Stop it!"

Macidexia, terrified, backed away. "Empress? Fury destroys what you care about most deeply - Fury..."

"Don't echo her lessons back to me!" Jadis turned to Macidexia, and lunged.

"Now." commanded Celestia and Luna simultaneously even before the latter finished reforming.

The elements blazed. Jadis seemed to hang in air, sword half swung in a decapitation strike. A rainbow cone swirled up from the elements, wove together, and radiated over her. An unearthly scream sounded. Her greaves, helmet, and gauntlets slowly tumbled away, ashes flying from their insides. The scream continued, though reduced.

The armor collapsed straight down, puffing out fine ashes. The magic continued, focused into the ash cloud. Jadis finally stopped for a breath, and when she resumed her cry it was a broken bawl.

The ashes fell, revealing an infant so young her umbilical cord hadn't fallen off yet. She floated down on top of the ash pile, and the magic dissipated.

Black and White

At Celestia's brusque departure, baby Jadis began crying. Twilight Sparkle almost joined her. "What the fuck was that? I've never seen her like that!"

I picked up Jadis and tried to soothe her. My holding her seemed to agitate her further at first, but I persisted in calmly rocking her, and over time she calmed.

Meanwhile, Luna whispered, "Did you not notice how she was merely white instead of radiant?"

"Well, yeah, but I figured that was just an aftereffect of the tea."

"Discord always produced a graying discoloration in those he touched directly. Subtle, but noticeable."

Rainbow Dash hit the ceiling. "You mean..."

Applejack pulled her down by the tail and shushed her. "She'll be fine once we deal with Discord, right? Just means we shouldn't be doing exactly what she says in the mean time."

Luna paced. "Especially since she's touched, Discord must be dealt with promptly. Celestia could cause incalculable harm."

Twilight Sparkle groaned. "But you were right about us being exhausted. If I unlocked my knees I'd fall over."

Luna closed her eyes. "You must. I realize now I cannot wield them myself - not yet, and not soon."

I said, "If it is a trap, he's not going anywhere. You can get a nap and go when you're ready."

Luna looked to me, nodding. "All right. Go get any more specific information you can - from Celestia or... that other one. The rest of you, sleep."

Her horn glowed a touch, and everypony but her sagged to the floor. Jadis fell asleep too, mercifully. I put her down on the cushions, got directions, and slipped out.

I climbed and climbed - these two floors were widely separated. And at the top were all six of the royal guards who'd accompanied Celestia moments before.

"I bear a message for princess Celestia, from Luna." I thought it wisest to omit her temporarily claimed title.

The earth pony in the center said, "There are delicate negotiations in progress. You may deliver it when they are complete."

Oh shit. What could she be doing?

That was partially answered when giggles came from inside the room.

"It is urgent, and that doesn't sound too... ummm... negotiative."

"We have been specifically instructed to treat messages from your so-called empress as low priority. In fact, the higher the priority you claim, the lower the priority we give it."

Though the thought of trying to send a super-non-urgent message crossed my mind, it was immediately dismissed as too stupid to try.

I slunk off down the stairs again. At least I can find Cheerilee and get more useful information.

Fortunately, she was easy to find - a chamberlain (and this time I'm sure it was a chamberlain) directed me to the small suite she had been given on the other end of Luna's floor.

I ambled in and said hi. A splashing sound came from a side room and a return, "Omar?"

"Oh - you're taking a bath? I guess I'll stay out here..."

"Whatever for?"

Oh right. I've never actually seen her wear clothing anyway.

I slipped in. Cheerilee was soaking and relaxing. "So, they're off to Las Pegasus?"

"Well, before they go they'd like to hear just what Discord said. Celestia wasn't as informative as possible."

Cheerilee nodded. "Sure! He spent a lot of time monologuing, but from time to time he'd pose a riddle. 'Wouldn't you really like to know? I'll go where ponies gather no snow.' Which helps narrow things down, but we do have several cities that don't get snow. Another was, 'Who stands apart, will die for their art!' Which I didn't quite get. But then he added, 'You want a real hint, little clover? What's black and white and red all over?' And of course that's a newspaper. And the Las Pegasus News headquarters are well outside town."

Oh shit oh shit. "Umm, thanks! Gotta deliver that. Heh, pardon the pun."

I ambled back out; I ran only once the door was closed, just in case Discord was still connected to her.

I burst into Luna's unguarded room, waking everyone as I closed the door. "It's not Las Pegasus! It's Ponyville! And it can't wait!"

That got the gang's attention. Instant alertness. I didn't explain just what else I'd worked out, not wanting to risk that it wouldn't get them properly agitated.

Luna asked, "Where is that?"

Twilight Sparkle said, "Where we first met. Their home."

Rainbow Dash said, "For them, we're good to go. Uh, right?" The others concurred.

The mists engulfed us and we raced under the low-lying clouds to Ponyville in under a minute.

The town square was already in chaos - ponies were dashing and pegasi were flying every which way. Luna disgorged us onto the balcony of the town hall.

Luna squinted, scanning. Her horn was glowing brightly.

Discord suddenly appeared right next to us. "So, the 'empress' Luna comes in to save the day. Trying to bypass your sister's restrictions?"

He reached in to pet Rainbow Dash; she dodged. "But you know you're really loyal to Princess Celestia. So what are you even hoping to do here?"

They were already charging up the elements. They were taking their time.

Discord waved off her efforts dismissively. "Come, now. It's not sufficient for you to be loyal to Luna - you need to be not loyal to Celestia."

They remained focused.

Discord rolled his eyes and added, "But if you aren't loyal to Celestia, Rainbow Dash can't fulfil her role, can she?"

The elements' slowdown began, and Discord's confidence finally broke - but it was too late. Rainbow Dash finally explained, "I can if she's not herself! You made a big mistake when you touched her!"

Discord, confused, only got out, "But..." before the rainbow beam petrified him.

The chaos began to subside with a half-life of around ten seconds.

The gang was not merely worn out by this effort: they were devastated. Twilight began heaving and quivering. Applejack sort of toppled, caught by Pinkie - who, though physically all right seemed sad and didn't bounce out of it. Fluttershy and Rarity collapsed inwards, their eyes glazed over. Rainbow Dash jumped up and cried, "Yeeeah!"... and landed heavily, holding her head. "Ow..."

Luna, not heeding their difficulties, flew forward out over the square and demanded in a booming voice, "What is the meaning of this?"

Instant silence. A fair number of the townsponies supplicated, even without recognizing her. After a few seconds Luna added, "Well?" - the floodgates opened and it seemed everypony was answering her question at once.

Twilight Sparkle's spasms intensified and she vomited - I couldn't hear it over the cacophony. Alarmed, I rushed alongside her. She dry-heaved a few more times and said something I couldn't hear.

Luna, giving up on picking out individual voices, declared, "Silence!" Still hovering, she pointed down to a pale green earth mare who'd apparently seemed unusually cogent. "You! Explain this!"

She supplicated again and began, "Well, we lately were cursed with a plague. And it wasn't a normal disease. It was a real curse! An' the only one we know around here who can do curses is Zecora!"

I shook my head and pointed to the statue of Discord. Luna saw me and declared, "It wasn't her. It was Discord, whom we have just defeated. His petrified remains are visible there." She pointed to us. Back to the townsponies, "What have you done with this Zecora?"

"We were trying to find her, your majesty. We hadn't done much of anything yet. If... if she didn't do it, we're sorry."

Luna scanned the populace. "Good. Now all of you."

Many of the ponies chanted out, 'We're sorry, Zecora.'

"No. All of you."

Almost all of them, this time.

Luna singled out a dark gray pegasus stallion who'd held his tongue. "You!"

He swallowed and said, "I wasn't chasing her to begin with... but sorry? I could have spoken up in her defense."

From above, there was a terriffic "Oops! Oh my!" and a scream as Zecora came plummeting from the cloudy sky.

Rainbow Dash made a standing start as if to catch her, but wobbled and crashed into the railing, her head still unsteady. Meanwhile, the pegasus that Luna had singled out streaked into the sky and caught Zecora so abruptly I was sure that it would have been worse than the landing - but it seemed not to be harmful, and after a short loop, he delivered her to the ground.

She clapped him on the shoulder. "For this aid, a new friend you have made!"

Slowly gliding down after was Ditzy Doo. "Sorry I dropped you..."

Zecora looked up and replied, "You should be proud, for hiding me on a cloud. I was sure I'd be found, down there on the ground!"

"No! It's my fault they came after you in the first place. See, I was..." she got quiet enough that we couldn't hear as she glided down below our level and faced away.

Luna interrupted, "The plague was sent by Discord. It was not your fault in the least."

Ditzy looked up. "Are you sure? 'Cause I do seem to cause an awful lot of..."

"Yes." - "eep. Okay."

A unicorn bravely poked her head up and asked, "Excuse me. Who are you, and where is princess Celestia?"

That was answered by the arrival of Celestia's sunbeam, right among us on the balcony.

After quietly saying, "Not quite where I expected to find you...", Celestia spoke to the crowd. "Our time of troubles, of which you have been the center, has passed. In large part, this is due to the efforts of my dear, recently recovered sister Luna. I would say it would be the dawn of a new day, but I think we've had quite enough of day for a while. Now, if she would resume her place as a princess of Equestria, she may give us a new night."

Luna flew back over to us, and they conversed quietly for several seconds.

Then, to great cheers, she turned to them and spread her wings. The sun gently slipped below the horizon. Luna stood still, almost unable to accept the praise, as the stomping continued.

Celestia turned and nuzzled Twilight Sparkle next to the ear, and looked out over the six. "Oh, my little ponies, how you have suffered, and carried on. You shall have all of the rest you need."

Luna added, "... to be ready for next time."

That ominous note was overlaid with gasps and squeals of joy coming from below, and then chants of "Lu-na!"

I looked to her, and then the sky - and boggled. Some pegasi were clearing the clouds away, revealing a sky with the depth I was accustomed to at home. There were stars of all brightnesses, with multitudes of dim ones, not simply star-star-star-done. As their work continued, a milky way became visible. And then, instead of the blobby Magellanic clouds, there was a barred spiral companion galaxy. More oohs and aahs emerged as the pegasi unveiled a tiny dim blue and red splotch that had to be a nebula. Now that's a sky.

Luna cracked a smile, and looked to her sister - she was arranging for the six to be carried off to their beds. When she'd finished, she asked, "What do you think?"

Celestia looked up. "I can see I let my standards for night slip over the past thousand years."

"Perhaps, but mine have raised."

Something occurred to me - I turned to Luna and asked, as quietly as I could while remaining audible, "It's not... real, is it?"

Luna grinned, then winced (she later explained that her smiling muscles had cramped up). After flexing her jaw for a moment, she said, "As real as the lunary sphere itself."

I laughed. She looked at me quizzically, and I was left wondering whether it had been meant as a joke at all.

But there was something - somepony - missing. And... "We didn't leave anyone watching Jadis!"

"Yes... I suppose we should get back to Canterlot."

The mists began to rise, but I interrupted, "Hey! Aren't you going to say goodbye?"

Luna boomed out, "Citizens of Ponyville. I have more work to do. Fare well."

A few more cries went up in response, and we left.

Suspicion

Pearl couldn't sleep. Her sleep schedule had been completely shot by the summer night celebration just past, and her ninth birthday. It didn't help that her big test was tomorrow, and she had no idea what was going to be on it, or what it was about at all. Mom and Dad had tried to hide their anxiety, but it had been as plain as anything.

Pearl lifted her head and looked out at the busy sky. The half moon was low on the horizon, drawing her, calling. She felt the urge to jump out the window and run after it. But of course that would wake up Ruby, and it would bother mom and dad. She didn't have wings like a pegasus, so she shouldn't be jumping out of second-story windows. She could, though - she just knew it.

And of course the moon was not something she could just run to.

Until tomorrow, when she'd meet her. And the sun.

It was going to be a big test.

She put her head down and resolved to get to sleep like a big filly, but before she could count to a hundred she overheard the creaks of mom and dad making love. Of all the nights! I suppose they can't sleep either, but really!

She slipped out of bed and padded her way across the house, ready to remind them that tomorrow was a busy day. As usual, she imagined horrors. The home was transformed into a dripping dungeon. The moonlight was transformed into the flicker of torches, and the rustle of leaves in the trees, the shifting of chains. It made things a bit more exciting than simply crossing the house in the dark.

When she reached their room, though, she couldn't stop them.

She'd never actually seen them doing it before; she'd just known what they were doing. They were lying on their sides, facing each other, one of mom's hooves awkwardly pointing up in the air. From her vantage beyond the foot of the bed, Pearl had a very clear view of the proceedings.

Pearl could predict their motions. It was mesmerizing - a bit of déja vu, as dad called it. For her, it usually felt more like she was about to work something out - and she often did.

Mom rolled on top of dad, and her tail flopped down to cover the point of entry.

Pearl watched for another minute, trying to remember.

Dad said, "Not working..."

Mom said, "Distracted?"

"Yeah. Thanks for trying to take my mind off it, but..."

"No. No backing out now. Then we'll never get to sleep."

Pearl backed away, wondering how she could have ever known about that. It didn't bother her that she knew her strength far beyond how she'd tested it - who didn't have a feel for their strength? Or arithmetic - some folks are smart... or magic - that, she'd just had, as long as she could remember even though she'd never cast the vast bulk of her spells, and even those she had, she used only sparingly, since her reserve of magic recovered pitifully slowly and sometimes shrank overnight. But this... how could she know this?

She needed to get away to think clearly. She went downstairs and slipped out the front door.

The grass was cool between her toes, and the dew was coming. The moon was sinking down in the west, and soon would be gone. She couldn't let that happen - she started running, chasing it, with an urgency she didn't usually feel. Alone, in the dark, she let loose. Instead of running a little faster than her classmates, she practically flew. She didn't want to go out of her way for the bridges, so she vaulted the stream. Her hair streamed out behind her almost straight, and her feet moved so fast they took on speed-hardening that normally only pegasi could bring about.

She slowed as she approached the Everfree Forest. Running hadn't helped her think so much as she'd hoped. Turning slightly southward, she loped past Fluttershy's house and uphill to Sweet Apple Acres.

To her surprise, the light was on downstairs. She smoothly slowed to a stop at the door and knocked.

A few seconds later, Applejack opened it quickly. She blinked and exclaimed, "Pearl!?" Then, more calmly, "What's wrong, Pearl? Come in..."

Pearl suddenly felt wary. Even... suspicious? She shrugged it off - this was aunt Applejack. Once she was safely sitting on the kitchen counter, she carefully said, "I... walked in on mom and dad."

Applejack laughed. "Oh yeah, that happens sometimes. A bit of a shock?"

Pearl felt a flood of relief. "Yeah. Like, why does this totally new thing seem so completely familiar?"

Applejack's laugh died. "Umm. Well, that's not exactly how it happened with me."

An awkward silence fell. Applejack asked, "So, do you need a little explanation?"

"No, I know how it goes. Thanks."

Applejack turned away, saying, "Cider?"

"Sure." Pearl twiddled with the mug. "What's keeping you up?"

Applejack sighed. "Elements business coming up tomorrow. Bothering me. It's one of those rare ones we can see comin', so there won't be a mad scramble to get to the tree t' borrow 'em again. Maybe it'll be nothing. Sure hope it is!"

Pearl loved hearing about the elements. They were only pulled out for major emergencies, and major emergencies meant excitement. "And if there's a problem, you'll blast 'em, like Discord?"

Applejack took a deep swig of cider in a big hurry. "Oh I hope not. Maybe make 'em remember something important, like general Chere."

That was a boring story, not like Rainbow Dash's super-fakeout. "So, who is it? What is it?"

"Don't know, pumpkin. That's the problem. Come on. Let's get you home. I'm sure they're done by now."

Pearl followed her out, put her hand on Applejack's neck as they walked along. Pearl felt her third and fourth cervical vertebrae. A story occurred to her: a secretly rebellious duke, a feather bed, a vigorous fuck, and then, right there between the third and fourth cervical vertebrae. No one could carry tales of where she had disposed of her virginity.

That wasn't a particularly happy story to think up, and having her hand on auntie's neck kept it in mind, so she pulled her hand back.

"Something wrong there, pumpkin? You kinda tensed for a moment."

"Oh, just a scary thought."

At home once again, she slipped back in without waking anyone. As predicted, her parents were again still. She went back up to bed, pet Ruby once on her neck, and, no longer bothered, went to sleep.

Breakfast was a rush as everyone had woken late (no surprise there). They dashed out the door and caught the train just as it was leaving. Neither Pearl nor Ruby had ever been on a train before. Dad did one of his incomprehensible in-group jokes with himself as the sole group member: "Now we've got Ruby on rails! Heh... never mind."

Ruby was antsy, hopping with her front hoof-hands, so Pearl asked, "Mom, dad? Can we go exploring?"

Mom admonished, "There's plenty to see here. And we don't want to bother the other passengers, do we?"

"Aunt Applejack said they were going on elements business today. That means they're going to Canterlot today too! Probably on this train!"

"Well, in that case, do you think it would be a good idea to bother them?"

"No, mother." Pearl settled by the window and stared out. It was a new feeling to be moving so quickly, and especially as they approached the mountains, but her nervous energy exceeded even Ruby's. She wanted to jump out and race the train. But even she realized that she couldn't - not quite. Maybe when she was bigger.

Dad, sitting at her left, took her hand. "Nervous?"

"Yeah. Did you have to be tested like this?"

He sighed. "Not just like this. But yes, I was tested. Sorely." He swallowed. "And I passed. And you'll pass, and we'll see what wonderful new opportunities open up, won't we?"

"You mean... I could end up going to study magic like Twilight Sparkle did?"

"Maybe so. I guess we'd have to move back to Canterlot."

"No need to uproot the whole family. I'd be all right on my own. I'd come home often, don't worry. The train looks fun."

He laughed. "Gone at nine. At this rate we'll be empty-nesters in no time." And yet, the laugh was strained.

Then he picked up her right hand and put it to his chest, above his heart.

Pearl blinked. That had been something he'd come up with when she'd been worried about Ruby taking her place (and with Mom, she kind of did), and later when she was teased in school for being a foundling: their matching scars. Hers on the tips of her fingers, his across his heart. They hadn't done it lately; there'd been no need.

Dad whispered, "Remember."

"Of course I remember - we match."

Arriving in Canterlot, they bustled off to the palace. And then, waited. Pearl wandered within the area they were permitted, looking at the stained glass windows. All sorts of monsters being defeated.

Dad spoke eagerly with some ponies - he'd used to work with them, she overheard. She stood through two rounds of oh-how-you've-grown and I-knew-you-when-you-were-this-big. Ruby was sent to play with the other children of palace workers.

Then a light shone through the room: Celestia had arrived.

Dad bowed deeply, and mom supplicated, but Pearl just stared. Such power, and grace. She didn't even notice when her parents rose.

Celestia came close, sniffed lightly, tasting the air. Then, with a smile, she said, "Welcome back to Canterlot, Pearl. What do you think so far?"

Pearl looked back. Father was holding a hand over his heart, and hugging mom with the other. Parents can be so over-dramatic sometimes.

She turned back to the princess. "It's beautiful. And nifty."

Celestia nodded towards the window they were in front of. "Which is your favorite?"

Pearl looked up and down the row. "That one is... Well, it's not prettiest."

"It's certainly the most striking, yes. The defeat of Sombra and the banishment of the crystal empire. Very sad. But keep looking."

Pearl walked with her. They came to one with a human, who seemed to be exploding in gray flame. In front of - or perhaps in? - the belly was a baby.

She pointed. "What happened there?"

"The elements of harmony reduced her to a baby."

"Oh wow. What did you do?"

"What would you?"

"Raise her. Keep a close eye on her, in case..." In case you need to blast her again. My aunts are the bearers of the elements of harmony. And they are on elements business today. The day of my test.

She laughed. I'm Jadis! The last queen of Charn, empress, dragonlord, torturer, slaver, murderer of around three billion in various worlds and times!

As the memories flooded her, she could not stop laughing. Her sides burned. The absurdity of her last nine years, in the context of the previous hundred and forty, could not be overstated. It was all one cruel joke, teasing her like this and then closing the trap around her, ending it all. Celestia was already using intense magic, glowing all over.

A vision of how she could attempt escape flashed - Suckerpunch Celestia, Quick-Haste-Warp, appear on the road outside the gates, Quick-Shell-Merton for the guards. No, I'm not strong enough to survive that, even with shell - and Merton might be defense-piercing anyway. I never tested that. So, punch Celestia, leap through the window, snag one of the banners...no, Warp would be better even so. I can deal with guards on the road better than a palace-full.

Her situation updated - she was being grappled by 'dad'. He was so little of a threat she didn't even waste important thinking-time on fighting back, instead focusing on alternate escape plans. Quick-Invis-Warp. Right. That's it. I'll have the worm with me on the other end of the warp, but... stop. They'd have the road covered by the elements, and Twilight Sparkle can see through invisibility. Plus, there's a reason I needed to weaken Celestia before invading - if I escape, she can bring the sun down on me. So, no Warp - I cannot run without striking her down. And they haven't seriously hit me yet. I need to understand why.

Her laughing slowed, and she looked up into mom's face from where dad cradled her, as they sang:

"...and when we find ourselves in the place just right,
'twill be in the valley of love and delight."

They're still hoping I'm Pearl. I can work with this.

"When true simplicity is gained,
to bow and to bend we shan't be ashamed."

What can I do with it? Well, I can walk out of here safely, for one thing. Immediate threat resolved. Wasn't that easy? But in the longer term, I've got to... what?

What is it I have to do?

"To turn, turn, will be our delight
till by turning, turning, we come round right."

I was mad because I thought they were teasing me with these years of unaccustomed happiness before snatching it away. But they don't want that. It's not a trick. Omar the worm treasures the scars I gave him simply because they're part of me too. You can't fake that.

A hiccup. What do I get if I set out on my own? I've ruled empires, but being forced to go back to ruling empires was what made me freak out!

A deep breath. "I now have one hundred and forty years of experience in doing it all wrong."

Celestia dimmed to her background level of radiance.

Turning her face up to dad, Pearl smirked. "I love you, worm." Finger by finger, she reached up and matched with him.

Omake

Omake: Bonus material. Cut scenes. Jokes.

We start with scenes never intended to be included in the story, in order of when they would have fit.

Incidentally, the proper background music to this chapter is the credits roll from Megaman 2.

"But it's for science"

Twilight Sparkle took a deep breath. "All right, if it's for science."

I came alongside and swung a leg up.

She bolted. "Gah! No! There's just... something wrong about it! I don't know what! And that bothers me!" She took a moment to compose herself. "Sorry we couldn't do the experiment, whatever it was."

I said, "Actually, that was the experiment. Unicorn will not give ride to non-virgin, check."

"What? Oh, now you're on. You say I can't give you a ride? Ha! Who's in charge here?"

Half an hour later, it seemed her non-ride-giving instincts were in charge.

"One more try? Please?"

"Sorry, Twi - this is getting to be more tedious and made of fail than actually losing my virginity was."

~~~~

Twilight Sparkle said, "Of course n... wait. That's an interesting question." She levitated another book out of her pack.

"Hmm. Secret... Dum de dum. Yes, the story sounds awfully simi... Uh-oh."

"What?"

"I've discovered that Princess-Princess is actually Secret Demon Princess-Princess!"

She facehoofed.

"That sounds really stupid when I say it out loud."

~~~~

Nightmare Moon: OH MY BELOVED SUBJECTS!

Twilight Sparkle: The shouting is a temporary side-effect of escaping the Moon. Could last 2 or 3 seasons.

Nightmare Moon: Yes... I'm having difficulty controlling THE VOLUME OF MY VOICE.

~~~~

Act, Omar, Act! At least, stop freaking out!

My mind flashed back to Pinkie's song earlier that evening, and how I'd been compelled to join in. In a fit of inspiration, I began singing I'm a Member of the Midnight Crew. When the guards began providing the full barbershop harmony on the chorus, I knew I'd done it.

~~~~

We emerged from the pool into what appeared to be a construction zone. A roar filled the air - two roars. One of machinery slowly spinning up to speed, and another of an angry mob. No - three roars: the earth shook.

Several people on the two machines on either side of us pointed and shouted, but we couldn't make out anything they were saying. I couldn't even make out anything Digory or Polly were saying, that close to the machines.

Digory ran off to the crowd, pully Polly and pointing ahead. I grabbed his hand as well, following -- ahead was a mess.

The sky was falling. A rain of boulders was pounding the earth. And it was sweeping towards us.

One man was standing on the wall, fighting, killing everyone in the crowd who came close with dreadful efficiency. The push and swell of the crowd gave even those who knew something about fighting an insuperable disadvantage as they were shoved onto his swords.

And we were behind him. I hollered, "We'll get you all out of here in just a minute!"

It was useless for the crowd, but the warrior heard. "The ships can't carry you! And you two, how did you get off? Get back on board!"

But Digory was going for the direct approach - he squirmed out of my hand, put on the yellow ring, put his other hand in his pocket, and dove into the crowd. A moment later - presumably as he lost contact with the green ring - they all vanished.

~~~~

. . . . Achilles: Help you? How?

. . . . Omar: Oh, I dunno! Maybe with the fighting?

. . . . Achilles: Fighting? But my dear fellow, I've never hurt anyone in my life! I've never touched a weapon!

. . . . Polly and Digory share an awkward glance.

. . . . Digory: You did say you're Achilles, didn't you? Nigh-invincible warrior? Leader of the Phthians? Bathed in the river Styx? Wins races against tortoises?

. . . . Madame Tortue: That last for sure.

. . . . Omar, muttering to the children: Achilles died in the Trojan war. Let's not aim him that way. Fate can just find someone else to do its dirty work this time, don't you think?

. . Achilles put the book down

. . Achilles: That's an interesting assertion, don't you think?

. . Madame Tortue: Quite. But if it were true, it would be a simple matter to avoid dying - just avoid the Trojan War! A great comfort for you.

. . Achilles: And for you. I'd assumed Mr. Goodfortune would be able to handily defeat us, but I think this has given me courage.

. . Madame Tortue: You do realize that this book we are reading is a work of fiction?

. . Achilles: Yet now that it's been pointed out, I do feel like I could take him on. Let's keep reading.

Candice shook her head. "Well, that explains all the organ music you've been playing lately. I was like, 'WTF, mates?' only without the armageddon."

There was a popping sound, then a small voice. "Oops." We looked around, and there was Digory. This was unexpected, to say the least.

Then another. "Digs, you forgot this... What..." Polly and Digory blushed deeply.

Polly drank her pushing potion like a shot. Digory gave me a thumbs-up and followed.

~~~~

"Okay, now... let's fight. You don't need to go as far as hitting me, just stand there and sort of intend to hit me."

Eyebrow raised, Twilight Sparkle nonetheless complied, lowering herself into a battle stance and focusing on Terra.

I formed the intention of attacking her, then thought better of it and ran away as fast as I could.

Twilight called out, "Are you sure this is going to work?"

I kept going.

"It's not working!"

I kept going.

"What? It worked!"

I slowed to a stop, put my hands on my knees, and panted while the six caught up.

Twilight Sparkle thought. "Okay. Next time, all of you together - Omar was only worth 1 magic point. Macidexia was 4!"

~~~~

"You killed two dinosaurs and you're still level 1?"

~~~~

"I can't believe you drug me out here!"

"But Hugo, they're ponies!"

"All I see is a bunch of... yeah, ponies! Some of them are unicorns. Are you kidding me?"

"But princess Celestia needs us! Sherriff Pony's homeland is under attack!"

"Wigu, my fool, Sherriff Pony is from the Butter Dimension Cubed, not Equeerstria. I's takin' the Hugotti Diablo and going home."

~~~~

Jadis looked askance at Macidexia's offering. "Are you joking?"

"On the contrary. Surely you know that an enchanted weapon's power grows with its age."

"Of course..."

"This... is the very first weapon: the axe of Omar!"

~~~~

"If you say you're Nightmare Moon, then you should be able to look into this and then away!" Jadis tossed down a gourd. There was a hole in the side, and...

We were suddenly standing next to a brass city.

~~~~

Jadis scornfully looked down at us, Twilight Sparkle's lifeblood dripping from her dagger. It's not over yet! If I can just distract her, Rarity can cast Life, and we're back in business...

She advanced on me. "So, at last. The lowest of the low. You exist only for my amusement." She leered at me, finally thinking she'd won. "Get started!"

"Umm, will singing do?"

She gestured with the bloody dagger as if to say, 'It's worth a try, but no guarantees.'

"All right! Pinkie, back me up with... " and then I sang 'fa do fa la sol me do me' on 'doo'. "... and feel free to tweak it as you go."

She was still trying to get her jaw off the floor, staring at Twilight.

"Pinkie! Sing!"

She quivered, and, still staring, started singing.

After letting the ostinato proceed for a few iterations and gathering my thoughts, I spoke:

"Once there once was a queen, whose reign was nearly completely complete..."

I was cut short when Jadis slapped me across the face. "Fool! Do you think I don't know The queen who ruled the world and then exploded in a fountain of bloody guts?"

~~~~

"Zeeky Boogy Merton!"

~~~~

"... Why are you harping on this? Do you love me?"

She screwed up her eyes. "No, I need you."

"Oh, got it. We're moirails." I said, anachronistically, as if that weren't way more Marty Stu than the already-pushing-it canon version.

~~~~ actual deleted scenes ~~~~

I prayed for another dream with Twilight Sparkle, and news from the present. And I mean, seriously prayed. I didn't usually, being agnostic. What with magic and anthropomorphic animals, the evidence that something was up with the universe was too strong, but when it came to actual individual religions, I tended to follow George Carlin's model.

Which is to say, sun worship. That's... not a bad idea under the circumstances. I know a sun goddess, and she'd be as good as Twilight Sparkle.

And I dreamed of her. We were in the gardens at the palace in Celesteville, that I'd toured only ten days ago, subjective time. Shadowy elephant figures shimmered into and out of view. Celestia was lying on one of the flat stone walls near the bench I was sitting on; she looked extremely tired.

"Princess?"

She looked up to me. "Omar..."

"Are you actually in Celesteville?"

"Yes."

Celesteville = internet!

As I thought quick, she continued, "They have been very kind. I just got your message. Tell my sister I miss her very much."

"Princess, can you find out exactly how old Tycho crater is? Just ask someone. They can figure it out."

She blinked slowly, stifled a sneeze, and said, "Arthur? Would you tell me... how old, exactly, is Tycho crater? ... Yes, I'm delirious. Can you, anyway?" Back to me, she said, "It's amazing the substitutes you've made of your clay. I would never have thought it could hold as much wealth of information as the word... Thank you, Arthur. One hundred and eight million years."

"Plus or minus what? What's the youngest it could plausibly be?"

After repeating this question and waiting a bit, she said, "His sources don't say. Apparently they're somewhat weak."

I sighed. Wikipedia. Should be good to within a few million years, anyway. "Well, thank you. Just one other thing. We seem to have, umm, created the race of dragons. Is there anything you'd like done with them?"

Celestia took a deep breath to forestall a sneeze, and closed her eyes. Then, she replied, "Don't try to cause history. If you were always a part of it, it'll happen on its own. If you weren't, something will come up to keep you from it. Usually something nasty."

I slowly nodded. "So, straight home."

"As straight as you can." She drifted off to sleep, and I drifted into wakefulness.

~~~~

I jumped into the mech, in the lap of the dead soldier, and pushed forward on one of the two control sticks. The mech took a step, which changed its balance. It twisted against the rock and ended up facing uphill - in the general direction of the pursuing soldiers.

There were three buttons on the second control handle marked with flame, snowflake, and lightning. I guessed that they were weapons, and pressed the snowflake firing button. The soldiers leapt for cover as a blue streak shot out of the mech's front disc, freezing part of the stream as it struck out straight ahead. Jiggling the second control, I managed to control the arc of the ice beam a little before it faded completely. With it moved a targeting scope. I could just put my eye up to it if I stretched.

In principle, the soldiers weren't pinned in their cover as I didn't have good fire control yet, but they didn't know that and they treated me as if I did. That gave me a moment to experiment with the movement controls.

Though the torrent of water was pinning the mech against the rock to some extent, it didn't completely impede motion - I was able to sidestep out with a sideways push of the control rod (not pushing the top to the side like a joystick, but pushing the whole stick to the side, upright).

I was barely free of the stream when I heard an ominous mechanical rumble from behind me. I glanced back - there was another mech, and this one presumably piloted competently, coming this way. It almost had a clear shot. I turned hard and put the rock between us. Now I'm cooked. They're faster, and more heavily armed. I can't run in this, I can't run without it. But I'm armed. If they come around too quick, the wrong way, I can maybe get them first... but they wouldn't come if they didn't have some way of dealing with that. Shoot! I turned around to at least cover one of the approaches, then stopped and listened.

Tromping of giant metal footsteps. Then a splash as the mech entered the stream. In a fit of inspiration I aimed the disc at the part of the stream I could see (it didn't take much aiming - it was a very large target) and bashed the lightning bolt fire button.

A deafening crack rang out, and my eyes took a moment to recover. There was a long creak. The mech fell over into my field of view, and began rolling down the hill, washed away in the runoff.

~~~~

Celestia made no instruction, and Pearl looked at her. Celestia waited some more, looking back kindly, occasionally blinking.

Pearl asked, "Excuse me, what sort of test will this be?"

Celestia replied as if there had been no delay, "A short one." She levitated a cloth off the table, revealing an elaborate teddy bear, a large gem, and a knife. "Describe one."

Pearl got down from the stool and went to the table. "The knife is made for humans - don't see many of those around here. Edge is rather dull, isn't it? Sharp point, though, and it's got a blood groove. It's not really a knife - it's a dagger. Not much of a hand-guard, so probably for throwing." She picked it up, tossed it spinning, and caught it. "Nice balance."

Celestia said, "Enough. Can you put it in the target?" She drew a curtain aside, revealing an easel with a box drawn on it, and a human mannequin.

Pearl flipped the knife once more, plucked it out of the air, and hurled it without spin through the neck of the dummy. She blinked, realizing that there were clothes laid out under it. "I... heh. I guess you meant the box, didn't you?"

Celestia distantly replied, "Nice throw, anyway." Then: "Come. Draw me something unusual."

Pearl considered. Houses, ponies, and humans were right out. Flowers, trees... Clouds... No. Not by eliminating common things. What unusual things are there? She put pen to paper.

Celestia raised an eyebrow. "A snake which has swallowed an elephant?"

If you feel like there's something missing from this story, like why I have three characters with names beginning with "Celes", well, there is. There was originally a frame-tale to this story, but it apparently caused intense confusion, so I zapped it. Also, most of chapter 16 was frame-tale or somewhat acontextual, so I cut that, which is why it's so short here.

These are available at sozmioi.sofurry.com, but you'll have to register there. If you want me to put it here, comment on the story. It won't be hard for me to reincorporate the frame-tale if removing it turns out to have been a bad idea.

Through the Blue Valley

My Little Mashup
by Sozmioi

Through the Blue Valley

I ran my hand through my short wiry hair in exasperation. "If this plaque is yet another telling us how the rhinoceroces are really your best friends but that wicked witch Macidexia was just mind-controlling general Rataxes, or about that so-called battle that was barely a glorified duel but more like a three stooges routine, or anything else named after queen Celeste, or another sculpture of king Babar - I'm going to scream."

Pierre unrolled his trunk to gesture to the multilingual plaque. For a tour guide, he was very ready to let the metal do the talking.

I read aloud: "The Blue Valley. Stories are told that when the mists fall and the light strikes just so, going through this pass will bring you to the Blue Valley, where you will make new friends and have strange adventures. Over the centuries, dozens of young elephants have had extraordinary journeys there." There was a picture of a little elephant in a dress hang-gliding with a camel. I looked up. "Well, that's different. And it is a foggy day. And the light is doing some funny things." The jungle up-hill definitely looked the most... wild of anything I'd seen.

I was only half-joking. Why not try my hand at crossing another mystical barrier, this time to a place that's legendary instead of merely weird and off-the-beaten-path? For all that it's a magical land, the Kingdom of the Elephants... well, I have freaking internet access back at my hotel in Celesteville. Even if the rhinoceroses and monkeys don't have direct contact with us like we do with the elephants, they're picking up civilization by magical osmosis, to the extent that Grandma's place back in Algeria was more enchanting than this tourist trap, even if the animals couldn't talk.

Pierre didn't seem too concerned. "Off path? Cinquante francs."

"Fifty francs? Y.G.B.F.K.M.!" I looked up the hill. It was steep, but far from unclimbable without equipment. "You just stay here, then, and I'll be back when I find I didn't disappear into a fairy-tale, all right?"

Pierre rolled his eyes. I wasn't terribly impressed with what I was getting for the extra dough I'd shelled out. A rerun of the boring group tour from yesterday, and his supposedly superb English reverted to French half the time. Turning my back on him, I started up-hill to the pass. At the top, I called back, joking, "Oh, God, it's full of stars!" and continued down the other side.

The jungle thinned as the fog thickened. Looking up, I saw concentric rainbows bracketing the occluded sun. "Sweet. Worth the trip already." I just stood there and took it in for a minute before continuing. I'd seen sun-side rainbow fragments before, but never so completely. Then, recalling those, I realized that these were not merely complete but at a much shallower angle, and more color-saturated than any rainbow I'd ever seen. This was simply not natural. I stopped and turned around, suddenly thinking that maybe getting into a fairy tale wasn't the best use of my time after all, and camels are very stinky animals, even the sapient ones, and I was afraid of heights so if it involved hang-gliding they could count me out.

I made it as far as the pass. I'd been sure I wouldn't be able to find it. But I had. I took ten deep breaths, thinking of what I'd think of myself if I left. Thinking, I muttered, "One road diverged in a green jungle, and, sorry we hadn't gone all post-positive-singularity so I could simultaneously take as many roads as I wanted..." I mentally apologized to Robert Frost, turned around, and went back in.

I descended below the fog layer, and found myself in a river-valley nestled among steep mountains. I felt it was important to find out whether this was actually the legendary Blue Valley. If it was, it'd probably use bizarro-geometry a bit like the Kingdom of the Elephants' borders with France, Mediterranean Africa, and sub-Saharan Africa. So I aimed for a cleft to my left that looked most like it'd have a pass leading out. If I came out near where I'd gone in, this was just a pretty place with a bit of glamour built in, that sometimes was the Blue Valley, but not right now.

I found the pass I'd expected. As I descended, the air gradually cleared, and I could see a broader horizon once again.

"Ho-ly shit." This was not the Kingdom of the Elephants. Steep mountains, not much in the way of civilization... except... Is that a road of some sort? All right.

Could be another exit from the Kingdom of the Elephants. Perhaps Switzerland? I've never been there. These mountains are steep enough to have to be young. The Andes, maybe? The plants still look western, so I doubt it's the Himalayas.

But something told me that this wasn't simply an exit, for all that the mists had faded; this was deeper into the Blue Valley. Or beyond it altogether, I supposed. Not a point on Earth, not even in the manner of the kingdom of the Elephants that liked to squeeze in to a variety of places at different times seemingly at random. Simply... somewhere else altogether. Pierre could sit and wait all day for all I cared. This was big.

I checked my pockets for supplies - a granola bar and half a dozen of grandma's mini-helouwa. It'd do for a reasonable jaunt. And I had my point-and-click camera, nearly full charge.

So I set out for the road, wondering where I might be. Once I was a decent distance off, I turned around to note where the entrance back to the Blue Valley was. A rock outcropping with three funny points was not too far off. Knowing that would at least improve my chances of making it back to the mists. To be sure, I took a snapshot.

Coming down the hillside, I made it to the road running along the side of the stream. To my surprise, it was no mere track, but a railroad. Randomly picking left, I followed it and the stream. The ground was beaten flat with hoof-marks.

I really should have guessed that horse people lived here. You could blame any number of factors, but in this case, it was sheer anthropic bias. I thought, against all evidence, that if you went deep enough, it'd come down to people being human.

So when I saw a pink pony stotting along, I thought, "Tequila, cranberry, apple juice, soda" instead of "Take me to your leader." But then she saw me, screamed, and ran away.

I am very lucky that her scream was so anthropomorphic that it dispelled my idiocy, for I could easily have interpreted all of the other ponies I saw in the distance as wild (if oddly colored) or domestic. But it was, and so I didn't, and so when I saw her returning with a relatively ordinary-looking yellow pony in a hat, I was prepared. Actually, the hat probably would have done it. "Bonjour."

A confused look. My Arabic was hardly better than my French, which is to say, not much - but I could at least get out, "Salaam." Crap. "Bon giorno?"

The hat-wearing pony turned to her companion and said, "You don't understand him either, do you?"

I blurted out, "You speak English?"

"If'n what we're speaking is what you call English, then yes, we do. Welcome to Ponyville. I'm Applejack, this is Pinkie Pie."

"And whaaat are you?" Pinkie asked, followed by a torrent of questions I couldn't even all register, except for "Where did you come from?" and "Were you taking Applejack's apples?" The questions abruptly stopped, and she paused right in front of me. She reared up on her hind legs - putting her face level with my own - and gave me the evil eye. "Well?"

Applejack coughed. "Pinkie... get down." Pinkie backed off nonchalantly.

Finally given the space, I answered, "My name is Omar. My kind are the humans. I didn't take any apples. I came via the Blue Valley. Do you know it?" These ponies are pretty damn little, only human height on rear legs. And the shape is off, especially in the head. An offshoot of Merychippus or something?

Applejack considered. "No."

"Well, it could be called something else, here. Anyway, I was just exploring. May I take a look around?"

"Why certainly! We can take you into town." Perking her ears, she sniffed and caught something on the wind. "Oh, shoot. Pie's burnin'. See y'all later!"

It was only as she turned to go that I noticed the tri-apple mark on her flank, and in turn the tri-ballon mark on Pinkie's. Oddly enough, she nearly ignored me as she stotted into town. And then she wasn't there. In her absence, the townsfolk were somewhat alarmed by me, and only when a blue streak swooshed down and skidded to a halt right in front of me did anyone say anything. A blue pony with wings, and rainbow mane and tail. I was beginning to think things could not get weirder. If only it had been so.

"Huh." That was both of us. "You're..." That was also both of us. I let her go first, and she did. "So, they weren't kidding." She looked over her shoulder. "Oh come on, ya cowards!" She turned back to me and took off again, hovering at my eye level. "You're bigger, but not stronger."

I shrugged, really not intent on picking fights with a pony, let alone one who could fly. "Okay. I'm not counting on being stronger. Just exploring."

At that, Pinkie Pie returned, half-dragging half-leading a bespectacled pony. "Here!" Pinkie announced to her.

She coughed, straightened her glasses, and looked me in the eye. "Good day, and welcome, our most... unusual guest."

I soon found that this mare was also the mayor. Everyone seemed to want to meet me since I was so very unusual and not threatening. Over a complimentary dinner, I learned much about my hosts, Ponyville, and Equestria. They had never heard of the kingdom of the Elephants. Someone found a book mentioning humans, but it wasn't terribly specific. We were apparently mythical beasts.

I arranged a few crowd shots with the time-delay on my camera, but I got the notion that it would be a while before I could recharge it, so I kept it off for the most part.

In time, the mayor suggested that I head onward to the capitol in the morning, a suggestion I found capital.

The pony who volunteered to be my guide was a unicorn named Rarity; she seemed rather more intent on simply having a reason to go to Canterlot than in me. After spending the night in the library (one of the few buildings with ceilings high enough for me to be really comfortable), I woke and headed over to meet her; she let me in, but was still getting ready.

After waiting a minute for her to wrap up without any apparent progress, I pointed out, "We're going to be walking all day, you know."

"Yes, I know, but how many chances will I get at this?"

"I'm sure we'll be given a chance to freshen up when we get there."

"Blue? Or green?"

"Blue."

"Really?"

"Yes."

"You're not just saying that because you want to get going, are you?"

"Blue, because it's obviously your best color. It meshes with your mane and tail. And we need to get going." The latter wasn't really true, but I wasn't particularly interested in sticking around watching her primp up all day. "You're going to be there over night anyway. Might as well arrive when it's still light enough to see." That convinced her.

Once on the road, though, I kept my ears open, as she was quite willing to tell me every little bit she knew about Canterlot. We followed the railroad tracks as far as they went, caught up to the track work, and continued along the rail right-of-way until we reached the main road to the city, coming in from a different direction.

Well before sunset, we arrived at the gates. Guard ponies escorted us in, and on account of my extreme novelty, we were left in an antechamber for only a short time before receiving an audience with princess Celestia. Rarity took full advantage of the limited amenities, and also shocked me with some outright glowing-horn magic to clean herself. Now, I'd been through the blue valley, so the existence of magic wasn't exactly foreign to me, but to see it under control was quite astonishing. I barely had time to recover before she stopped what she was doing, realized I was in nowhere near as good shape, and spent the rest of her time making me presentable before we were let in. Having magic used on and around me was far more astonishing - the warmth, the tingle.

But not as astonishing as princess Celestia. She glowed, with a floating translucent mane, and a firm regal bearing. I couldn't understand our introductions or what she said at first, as I was so struck. But it eventually occurred to me that she had said: "Welcome, human. Your kind have not come for many years - and never before an adult."

Fortunately, my surprise at what she had just said filtered through. "Children have come here?" That line on the plaque that young elephants had entered the Blue valley suddenly occurred to me - but still, those had been elephants. There must be other ways.

"Yes. A long time ago, and they were never interested in meeting me." A little flash in her eyes - she did have a serious question: "Do you mind describing how you got here?"

"By way of a place called the blue valley."

Celestia perked in surprise. "I have a student who arrived by that very route. She did not mention humans."

"Really? The elephants are quite familiar with us."

"Elephant? She is a rhinoceros, actually."

"Er." I admit it. That wasn't exactly the most graceful, especially in comparison to her speech. Now that I'm writing it doesn't seem all that special, but the delivery.... On her tongue, my high school love poetry would not have sounded awkward, though perhaps it would have remained kind of creepy.

Her main question resolved, she relaxed. "Do you have any stories you would like to share about your kind?"

"Stories? Well, I know history, but I'm not really sure where to start."

"I understand. An apartment will be arranged for you, and you are welcome to relate matters to us."

I recognized a dismissal. "Certainly. Thank you, your highness." I managed to bow before exiting.

Upon the door closing, Rarity hissed at me, "Finally! You didn't supplicate in the beginning."

"Oops. She didn't seem upset."

A chamberlain (or courtier or something, I'm not an expert) led us to a little two-room suite in a far corner of the palace. Actually, they were pretty decent-sized rooms, but after the genuinely large rooms of the palace halls they felt small. Rarity went out to see who she could meet; I gathered up two huge cushions and went back to sleep.

Star Shooting

A tremendous force plucked Nightmare Moon and me from the ground, along with a mass of books, a table, a stool, a fountain pen that almost put out my eye, a magnifying glass, a stack of catalogue cards, and younger Macidexia's floppy hat.

We were all slammed together in mid-air, then the library around us fractured and receded into the distance.

We were surrounded by the night sky, spinning gently, a tiny wooden and pony and human asteroid. The crushing feeling grew weaker, then stronger again.

Panes of darkness grew out of half the sky, approached, and merged - we were released. Nightmare Moon hovered on her wings, and I managed to land on my feet. The rest clattered to the ground.

We were outside, in the night, in deep damp grass, next to a lake surrounded by hills.

Satisfied that there was no immediate threat, Nightmare Moon landed and berated herself, "Stupid! Stupid! I should have backed off! It doesn't matter how weak she is - her earlier self saw how it worked out, so she wouldn't do it if she lost! At least I could have prepared an illusion of losing!"

I was about to request clarification, but after seeing her face, I studiously ignored her, first setting the loose items on the table, then looking at the sky. There were more stars out than I'd seen in a long time - a very clear night. The gibbous moon was high in the sky, and seemed abnormally bright and large. And naturally cratered.

We're not in Equestria anymore. But time is passing, so it looks like Macidexia was wrong. We'll get back to civilization, then we can get back to Equestria... well, wait. First, getting Nightmare Moon back to Equestria isn't really a high priority. Second, that sky is awfully dark. We are nowhere near a city. No signs of air travel, either. And... that's not our moon. The blobby 'seas' are something like ours, but on a night as clear as this, I would definitely expect to see the splash from Tycho crater - and, well, I don't see it.

I picked up the magnifying glass and tried to get a larger view of the moon, before remembering that optics didn't work that way. Pulling out my camera, I zoomed... but couldn't get the exposure right, especially hand-held. Instead, I looked for any familiar constellations - not a single one. So we're not in my world - but one less deep in magic territory than Equestria, anyway...

Nightmare Moon braced herself against the ground and gathered magic - a moderate amount, less than she had used in the library - yet she was straining. Then she gave up. "The sun and moon do not respond to my commands."

She launched herself into the air and roared. She gathered much more magic - dim lines grew out from her, pulsing inwards. Her voice was as loud as a jet engine as she repeated, "Miserable, stupid world! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid moon, stupid sun!"

I could barely understand her voice, it was so distorted and loud. She stopped shouting and began incantations I couldn't understand. The dim lines grew fatter, and longer. She rose higher and higher, and as she receded she grew brighter and brighter. Stark shadows fell everywhere. I was momentarily blinded until my eyes adjusted.

When I could see again, the lines of magic were veins pulsing in, guiding the energy into the ground as an immense wall stretching out nearly flat. It was like standing under Yggdrasil. The lights were brighter, now, filled with swirls and dots of color; Nightmare Moon herself was glowing so brightly I couldn't look at her even for a moment, even through my slitted fingers. I closed my eyes, but by the time the afterimage of my glance at her had faded, it was getting to be blindingly bright even through my eyelids. I crawled under the table, clutching the magnifying glass, afraid it would set something on fire if that light fell on it.

The earth rumbled - I'd been through a few minor quakes, but they were nothing like this. Not simply by intensity, but in kind, for interspersed among the rumbles were snapping sounds, cracks.

The books slid off the table. The quake intensified further, and some trees fell over into the lake. The water in the lake grew a cacophony of waves of all lengths from a few millimeters to great swells. A wave crashed and fell just short of the books. It didn't come back a second time, though - the whole lake was draining away. I looked further out, and saw that the wall of magic was lifting the earth up. It rose, faster and faster. A terrible wind blew into the gap behind it, sucking over the table and momentarily picking me up before it subsided and I landed awkwardly and fell over on my back. I stared up, unable to act to protect myself. But I needn't have worried - all of the debris falling off the side was also lifted up by the millions of dimly glowing magical tendrils.

The whole thing was out of the ground, and I could see it all - over a mile wide, and within a few seconds it was moving away at least its width every second. The earthquake subsided, and everything was quiet - eerily silent (of course, I'd simply been deafened, but based on the lack of everything vibrating, it seemed reasonable to suppose things had quietened down). The colored veins still pressed up against it.

A rainbow explosion appeared behind the rock-ball. Seeing that, I covered my face as if my arm could help against the explosion... but it didn't come. When I uncovered my eyes, I could see only the veins still pressing up, curving, twisting, losing their coherence. Finally, they split and relaxed. The flows stopped, and the lights subsided.

I looked down from the sky and tried to get up to look around. My inner ear was not cooperating yet, and I felt supremely dizzy, so I lay back down.

I began to perceive the ringing in my ears, and that gradually subsided. After a few minutes I could hear actual sounds - groaning aftershocks as the earth settled, mainly. I tried to get up again, and succeeded.

Nightmare Moon was kicking over trees. She saw me, and held her hoof ready. Then she lowered it, and stared.

I bowed.

"Don't bow to me, you worthless skinbag. Worthless for picking me to follow, fool that I am."

"It was a matter of reflex, your majesty. You were out of practice."

"I spent years thinking of what to do, in case Celestia tried tricks like that! I just didn't expect it from her. And now we're both stuck on this miserable stupid world that's outside the web of worlds, has a disobedient sky... and... Equestria is fallen. If she had time to master that magic, she has already won."

"On the other hand... she did call us meddlesome. So we have at some point in her past caused her trouble. I haven't. Did you?"

"Yes. I had stopped the sun and moon."

"Oh." That put me into a funk, but I couldn't just stand there. I righted the table and gathered up the books again, reading the covers in the ample moonlight. Starswirl the Bearded... Principles of Altering the Flow of Time. Hmm. Many Worlds, One Universe. I commented, "Seems like... relevant material."

"You, at least, will be long dead before there are any worlds nearby enough for a passage to open. If you read those, maybe your incessant questions will stop."

Silence reigned. I sat down next to the table.

I was startled awake, not having realized I'd fallen asleep, as Nightmare Moon gasped. She said, "I... I thought I'd missed! And that didn't destroy it? It barely made a dent! It must be huge!"

I looked up at the moon, and not far from the edge, just where I'd been expecting Tycho, was an orange bright spot, gradually expanding and dimming.

Cooldown

Macidexia was left staring at the baby Jadis surrounded by the parts of the armor she had just worn when she had been adult.

She backed away in fright. Fluttershy swooped in and soothed the baby as the rest of the gang collapsed; the general dismounted, I passed her the economizer, and she rushed to heal the wounded unicorns; Celestia trotted up in front of Macidexia.

Macidexia supplicated.

Celestia asked, iron behind her voice, "According to Twilight Sparkle, what's the worst thing I can do to one of my students?"

Macidexia took a long moment before replying, "Demote her to magic kindergarten."

Celestia turned her head, looking with one large eye directly at Macidexia. "She's wrong, of course. I could do much, much worse."

Macidexia winced.

She reached down and touched Macidexia's horn with her own, gently adding, "But I think that will suffice in this case..." The iron reentered her voice. "... if the lesson you've learned today sticks."

Macidexia nodded.

Celestia turned to me next. "I said 'no hints'. This would have gone much more smoothly if you'd been able to stick to that."

I swallowed. "My apologies."

"Accepted. And my apologies for pitting you against Discord."

"You did what you could with what you had."

She nodded in acknowledgement, and turned to the old lady. "Madame Flaubert, can you retrieve our banished allies?"

The old lady started towards us but replied, "I believe Omar can do that faster than I." To me, she said, "You haven't changed a day!"

I was confused, but then it struck me: "Polly?"

She nodded. "The very same!" Celestia had moved on to to the general, but I didn't catch what she said as I was still trying to cope with this idea.

"But... you're a hundred and sixty!"

"If I'm a hundred and sixty, you're a hundred and eight million." Fair enough. (It didn't occur to me to ask how she knew about that). "Well, go on, or would it be faster for me to do it myself after all?"

I gingerly rummaged through Jadis' armor and found the rings. I grabbed the chains they were attached to, then touched the yellow one. The retrieval was boringly straightforward - the banished alicorns were still gathered around the pool trying to puzzle it out. I quickly explained, retrieved the ring that had sent them there, and brought us back.

Celestia was finishing up speaking with general Chere when we returned; Twilight Sparkle and her healed brother were entangled in an embrace.

Celestia acknowledged the return of the alicorns and said to them, "It appears we'll have that prophecy hanging over us a while yet."

Luna finally spoke, saying, "Is that not up to me? I can still press my claim, and be struck down."

Celestia finally acknowledged her. "You could. I recommend you talk it over with your advisor first. I will be returning home to rest before we attend to Discord. You know where to find me." Then, to the ex-prisoners, "Do you still wish to visit Canterlot?"

Polly translated this into French, and both elephants nodded vigorously.

Meanwhile, Luna was looking at me intently.

The various alicorns swooped off into the distance in various elemental-ish forms, each bringing some of the others. And still Luna stared.

We were alone on the hilltop, the last departure being Twilight Sparkle and the finally-recovered Spike.

"All this and still you continue in your familiar disrespect. If you cannot remedy this, I see only two solutions: first, you are exiled from Canterlot, and preferably Equestria." She paused to let that sink in. "Second, we marry."

I kept my face straight. "If I'm not mistaken, I could alternately marry Celestia."

A pause.

She clarified, "That was a joke."

"And I was playing along." And trying to make sure she didn't end up being serious. Operation: Shoot Self Down seems to be a success.

"Oh." Pause. "I thought I had done it incorrectly. You see, I have not told a joke in somewhat over a thousand and two years."

"You did it fine. So... what's this about a prophecy?"

Luna sighed and sat down. "It no longer matters. I have made my decision."

I sat down facing her. "Are you sure?"

"Unless you talk me into declaring myself queen, then being slain, never to return, with various additional calamities to follow, the outcome will be unchanged."

I blinked. "Why would you have ever wanted to do that?"

"Because something like it will happen, eventually, somehow - and some of the calamities that have already struck - not the least simply having brought the leaders of all the realms together into one place - will have to happen again to completely fulfil it, unless this time is what it refers to. And I thought I might be the most deserving of the oblivion it would bring."

"You're not."

She looked to the hill that had been the imperial base. "I made thousands of ponies into killers."

Following her gaze, I saw that general Chere, accompanied by Celestia herself, was raising the fallen. At least, judging by the colors and twinkling of magic, that was what what was going on.

Luna shook her head. "In their hearts, they are. And some... I doubt her magic can bring all of them back."

I recalled Walt Whitman, and recited:

"Word over all, beautiful as the sky!
Beautiful that war, and all its deeds of carnage, must in time be utterly lost;
That the hands of the sisters Death and Night, incessantly softly wash again, and ever again, this soil’d world."

The second half of the poem didn't fit, so I stopped. I'd said enough - she was crying.

After a minute, Celestia's sunbeam rose into the sky and off to Canterlot.

This drew our attention to the sun, which was still dancing with the moon most improperly.

Luna lifted her head. "Let us go. There is work still to be done."

"First... there's someone to pick up. Two hills before where that outlying force attacked the armada."

Luna nodded, and her mists grew about me like a warm embrace - calmer than Nightmare Moon's had ever been. We swirled off. In moments, we were hovering over the top of the hill. I looked down the hill to the large rock, and she followed my gaze. We rematerialized there.

I called out, "Cheerilee?"

To my surprise, though, I heard a raucous laugh.

"Oh! Look at it!" Discord?

The voice had come from under the rock. As I approached, I heard one of those high-pitched electronic whines that some lucky people can't hear.

Discord and Cheerilee were watching television. I was on the screen. Celestia's voice said, "I know this phrase..." Pause.

Cheerilee jumped up and rushed to me. Her front hooves on my elbows, she put her head over my shoulder for a moment before her weight got to be a bit too much for me and I had to put her down.

Discord looked round. "Why, here he is. Have a seat. And the great 'empress' Luna, too."

"Discord." She seemed more confused than any other reaction, but there was a weary enmity in her voice.

Discord waved a claw. "Can't I celebrate a great victory too? And especially one won with such style? You were totally right, my boy. With her around, I'd give it a month before she popped the place. Then what would I have to enjoy? The little rocks getting into little rock arguments? But look - here's the best part."

Celestia continued speaking, and the camera watched me. When she said 'Qrrbrbirlbel', it went into slow motion. My poker face hadn't exactly held, then.

"That lady knows how to lie by telling the truth better than anyone else I know." Discord sighed admiringly. "She got the bluffer himself to believe it! Ha!"

"So it's not a magic phrase?"

Discord gestured, and the TV flickered. Celesteville palace. Celestia was lying on the grass, with a juvenile elephant sitting in front of her, showing her the Demented Cartoon Movie on an iPad. "Not exactly what she would have picked, but when you're quasi-delirious you can't exactly make the details of your preferences clear. So." He sobered up. "When you get back, you can tell her... oh..."

I took a stab in the dark. "'All your base'?"

"No, not so much. I had the privilege to witness those six with the elements of harmony. They don't look like much, but they used them twice in six minutes. Another time an hour before, and another the day before... and the last was at full power! Even if they may not use them on me directly for a time, that's enough to be a serious annoyance. There are easier places to work."

Luna declared, "We shall pursue you."

"I'm certain you will." He got up and tapped the TV. It turned into a matchbox, which he tucked into his ear.

"Just where do you think you can hide?"

"Sore wa himitsu desu! Sayonara." He disappeared in a flash.

Luna repeated his words, mystified. I translated, "That's a secret. Good bye."

Cheerilee hugged me again. "You were brilliant."

Luna finally spared her a glance, but instead of saying anything, simply spread the mists, and we swirled off to Canterlot.

We landed on a balcony facing up-slope. Luna took off her helmet and chest-plate, then turned and commanded Cheerilee, "You are not well. My chamberlain will attend to you." The words did not form a command, but there was no doubt that it was.

Cheerilee supplicated briefly and reluctantly went inside.

Luna closed the balcony door and turned to me. "This was the one you dreamed of?"

I nodded.

Quietly, intensely: "She is not who you imagine. You will find, in due time, just how ordinary she is."

"You could say the same of me."

Her brow furrowed. "You are not ordinary. How could you even think that? You..." She flailed for words.

"I failed to intimidate Macidexia. I couldn't have - I don't know what I was thinking. I failed to even slightly impede Discord."

She declared: "You devised the dragons. You chronogated our way home and made it the rest of the way back here with whatever happened to be lying around, without any magic..."

"You've only ever seen me in super-high-stress situations. I do respond well to stress, I grant. Maybe I'm exceptional in that one dimension."

"And in compassion! You saw me through my evil, right from the beginning. Joined me, then gave me hope!"

My stomach plummeted. "I... uh. I didn't mean to, actually. I was trying to distract you so they could hit you with the elements."

Luna gaped.

She recovered. "Of course. You do realize that brings you even further beyond her, don't you?"

"She dismantled Discord's plan to destroy Ponyville, in three minutes flat. Without magic. I know she's not all I've made up in my head about her. I recognize my fantasies. And I know she's not that extraordinary - maybe 90th percentile in intelligence, not 99-point-9th. But if it turns out she's totally average... I'm fine with that. Look. Why are you harping on this? Do you love me?"

She screwed up her eyes. "No." That was all, for several seconds. "I need you. My roots are very shallow right now, and I need all the anchor I can get, until I'm better. And I don't want to grow just around my sister all over again."

My sigh of relief must have been visible. Emotional dependence is only really poisonous when it's not on the table. "All right. if you want me to stay on as your advisor, I will. If you - and circumstances - will allow me to be your friend, I can try that. Cheerilee won't come between us. But this is going to have an end date, all right?"

Luna took a deep breath, nodded, and regained her composure. "She really foiled Discord?"

I nodded. "The rest of us were completely ineffective. At best."

"Then perhaps I need her as an advisor as well."

She opened the door and we went into her suite. She lay down on a large cushion and I followed suit. A minute passed of us just gathering our wits again.

The door slammed open. Two earth pony guards flanked Celestia as she in entered in a hurry. A pair each of pegasus and unicorn guards followed - with the gang behind, decidedly droopy. Fluttershy was erratically hovering along, cradling Jadis in her forelegs. Sighting the floor cushions, she rushed forward and placed - almost dropped - the baby next to me.

Celestia almost barked, "Discord is about to strike Las Pegasus. Be the empress one last time."

Luna looked her in the eye, and said, "No."

Celestia raised an eyebrow.

Luna clarified, "We are in no condition to fight. In particular, they are in no condition to wield the elements again - look at them." She paused significantly, looking back and forth between the gang and Celestia. "I presume you gathered this threat from the pink earth pony who was just speaking with him? Then I suspect a trap. And if I start taking orders from you, then our pretext for evading your lost bet evaporates. Let us not add another failed gamble to the list."

Celestia's eyes flickered orange, and for a moment I thought we were going to see what Celestia's version of Nightare Moon was. It barely subsided as she declared, "Enjoy being empress of the ninth floor. I have all of Equestria to take care of." She reared up and stalked out, followed by her guards.

Twilight Sparkle tried to follow, but Celestia slammed the door in her face.

Author's Note

Anyone who is offended that la vieille dame is (gasp) ENGLISH may be consoled by the fact that through the magic of time travel and her access to age-slowing magic (which she clearly has else how has no one in Babar's family aged since 1931) she has been French for roughly 50 times longer than she was English, and around 5 times longer than any other individual person has ever been French. The memoirs she is writing in Babar's Mystery would be classified under 'fantasy', not 'biography' - even with the degree of publicly-known magic that Babar's world has.