Seal Clubbing

by Silvertie

Rating: everyone
Tags: Comedy, Slice of Life
Length: 3443

Twilght and co. are invited to go Seal Clubbing. It's exactly what you think it is. Or the exact opposite.

Twilight and friends are cordially invited to go Seal Clubbing with the Princesses and dragon and gryphon ambassadors. Fun times are had by all.

It's not what you think it is. Or maybe it's exactly what you think it is.

It's my first fic. Be kind pls

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-11 15:00:01 UTC

Foreign Relations: Doing It Right

The Ponyville Library was a bustling hive of activity. Well, to be accurate, it was a library containing two individuals who were incredibly busy.

Twilight was frantic, tearing around the library at high speed, fretting about the upcoming night. Spike was following her at equal speed, fixing all the messes she was making and trying to calm her down.

“Twilight!” he gasped, catching a vase and setting it on the ground. “Twilight! Relax!”

“I can’t relax!” Twilight countered, anxiously searching a shelf for books on etiquette. “Princess Celestia has cordially invited us to go seal clubbing with her, Princess Luna, and the ambassadors from the dragon clans and gryphon kingdoms! This is kind of a big deal!”

“Twilight!” Spike grabbed the purple unicorn, and spun her around, shaking her. “It is not a big deal! One step at a time!” Spike looked around. “Where’s your checklist? That always helps.”

“Didn’t you say I shouldn’t use a checklist for everything?” Twilight pointed out.

“Well, clearly you’re not ready to do without,” Spike indicated the apparently-tornado-wrecked library. “So just this once, I think I can let it slide.”

Spike let Twilight go, and waddled over to a locked desk. With a cough, he hacked up a small metal key, which he used to unlock the drawer. Scrolls of paper and a quill were pulled out of the drawer and flew across the room, pulled by magic, to orbit Twilight. Spike groaned, as Twilight smiled smugly.

“Thank you, Spike.”

“You planned this, didn’t you?” Spike grumbled. “Just to get your checklist materials back.”

“I’m not saying I did,” Twilight grinned, hastily itemizing everything she could think of, “But I might have.”

Spike sighed. “Fine. Have you organized yourself?”

“In triplicate!” Twilight grinned, tossing Spike one scroll of paper, and the other two into a pair of bins next to the desk.

Spike unrolled the paper, and sighed wistfully as he read the first line. “Alright. Item one. Get Rarity.”

======

“Moi?” Rarity gasped. “Seal clubbing?”

“Yes,” Twilight nodded. “Seal clubbing.”

Twilight and Spike were standing outside the Carousel Boutique, and had arrived just in time to catch Rarity venturing out with a (presumably fashionable) shawl and sunglasses, saddlebags ready to hold whatever she was intending to buy.

“I don’t know, darling,” Rarity sighed. “Seal clubbing, really? I don’t think that’s my forte. I don’t even have anything to wear for something like seal clubbing!”

“Come on, Rarity!” Spike encouraged. “It’ll be loads of fun! And remember - we’re hanging out with ambassadors from other countries. What better time than to get your hoof in the door on the global fashion stage?”

“Hmm,” Rarity tapped her chin with a hoof. “I suppose you have a point.” She turned to Twilight. “Fine, I’ll go. Can’t hurt, right?”

“That’s the spirit, Rarity,” Twilight smiled. “Be sure to wrap up warm, though. Seals love cold environments, and I’m sure we’ll be spending a lot of time in cold places.”

Rarity’s face lit up, and she began to emit a high-pitched squeal, before running over and hugging Twilight tightly, the purple unicorn taken aback by the sudden display of affection.

“You okay?” Twilight asked, awkwardly patting rarity on the back with a hoof.

“Twilight, you’re a genius!” Rarity pulled back, looking Twilight in the eyes. “An absolute genius! Did anypony ever tell you that?”

“Well,” Twilight chuckled, “I do have an IQ of one-ninety-five.”

Rarity laughed. “Oh Twilight. Sometimes I wonder what my life would be like without you in it. I’ll be at the Library by six, and I’ll have ensembles for all of us! Nothing fancy, casual wear, I promise! Oh, but I have to start now and excuse me-”

There was a quick smack of lips on forehead, and Rarity was gone, Twilight and Spike staring at the now closed door to the boutique.

“Well, that was sudden,” Spike said, blushing as he rubbed his forehead. “I guess she’s in the mood for fashion. More so than usual.”

“Come on,” Twilight smiled. “Let’s leave her to it. Who’s next on the list?”

======

“Pinkie Pie!” Mrs. Cake called out. “Twilight’s here to see you!”

“Be right there!” Pinkie yelled back. “They’re right on top of me!”

Twilight, Spike and Mrs. Cake looked at the stairs that led up to the cakes’ home above Sugarcube Corner. There were muffled sounds of engines, and disorted crackling sounds.

“Uh, is everything alright up there?” Twilight asked.

“Pinkie’s just playing with the twins,” Mrs Cake waved a hoof dismissively.

The sounds of engines got louder, and like a very slow kite, Pinkie Pie glided down the stairs and began to make her daring escape over the front counter, hooves stretched out to her sides, buzzing like some sort of four-propellered monstrosity. Behind her, Pound Cake was buzzing along, goggles fixed firm over his eyes, Pumpkin Cake riding on his back. Pumpkin was toting a long cardboard tube stuck to an old tissue box, making “ack ack ack” noises as she pointed it vaguely in the direction of Pinkie Pie.

Pinkie dipped violently to the side mid-glide, rolling violently to the left as she made an explosion sound. Smoke began to issue forth from her left forehoof as she made spluttering noises. She barely cleared the counter, her rear hooves clipping a tall stack of serviettes ever so slightly as she descended.

“I’m hit!” Pinkie cried out. “I’m going down!”

With a dwindling noise, Pinkie slowly got closer to the floor, and finally touched down, nose first, with a loud explosion sound. Pound and Pumpkin cake flew by overhead, whooping as they circled around to land on top of Pinkie Pie, who hugged them back, the trio giggling and laughing as they indecipherably recounted the latest game.

“I don’t know how she does it,” Mrs Cake sighed. “We try to get them to take a bath, they make it as difficult as they possibly could. She tries, they get in without a word!”

“It’s Pinkie Pie,” Twilight muttered as the party pony got up, and displaced the foals onto her back. “Force of nature.”

“Hi, Twilight!” Pinkie chirped, turning sideways so Pound and Pumpkin could see Twilight. “Say hi to Twilight, you two!”

“Hi Twilight,” gurgled Pound and Pumpkin Cake in perfect synchronization.

“Hello, you two!” Twilight smiled at the foals. “Staying out of trouble?”

“Shooting down Pinkie Pie,” Pumpkin mumbled around the corner of the box in her mouth.

“...I think that counts as a “yes”,” Spike guessed.

“Anyway,” Pinkie smiled. “What brings you to the House of Cake today?”

“Right,” Twilight nodded. “It’s an invitation to a party.”

“A party invite?! For me?” Pinkie was astounded. “Usually I’m the one handing out party invites! Gimme!”

“It’s a very special party,” Twilight whispered. “Not suitable for the twins.”

“Oh,” Pinkie nodded. “I getcha.” She turned her head around to look at the twins. “Sorry guys, Pinkie ears only.”

The twins frowned, but otherwise conceded to Pinkie’s ruling, and jumping from her back and onto the counter.

“Come on, you two,” Mrs Cake said, picking them up. “Let’s go see what the damage is upstairs, huh? Pinkie, can you keep an eye on the store?”

“Sure thing!” Pinkie saluted. “Thanks, Mrs Cake!”

Mrs Cake nodded, and whisked the twins upstairs on her back, leaving just Twilight, Pinkie and Spike in the store proper. The moment Pinkie was certain the Cakes were out of earshot, she leaned in close.

“Party. Where? When? Cover charge? What kind of goods will be going around?”

“Whoa, whoa,” Twilight pushed Pinkie back a little. “Not that kind of party. Seal clubbing.”

“Oh, sorry,” Pinkie giggled. “You said “very special” party, I thought you emphasized it to mean “narcotics” party.”

“Well, it isn’t.” Twilight paused. “Probably. I mean, it wasn’t on the schedule, but you never know.”

“We’re catching a chariot to Canterlot from the library at six,” Spike filled in. “From there, we’ll meet up with the Princesses and ambassadors, and head out to the club site.”

“Love it,” Pinkie enthused. “I’ll bring snacks, and my special seal clubbing party cannon variant.”

“Why do you have a party cannon just for seal clubbing?” Spike asked.

“Why not?” Pinkie asked.

=======

“A little to the left!” Applejack yelled out.

The farmpony was standing in the middle of a field, staring up at the sky. High above, Rainbow Dash was moving dark clouds about, assisted by Fluttershy, who had been corralled into helping with the promise of apple pie for her and her animal friends when all was said and done.

“How’s this?” Rainbow yelled, leaning over the top of the rain-filled cloud.

“Perfect!” Applejack yelled. “Let ‘er rip, RD!”

“Hit it, Fluttershy!” Rainbow whooped, slamming her hooves into the cloud she was sitting on. With a nod, Fluttershy did the same from atop her own stormcloud.

With twin cracks of thunder, a boom rolled around the orchards of Sweet Apple Acres, and lightning ripped through the line of storm clouds between Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash’s storm clouds. Applejack stepped sharply back as rain fell in a surgically-precise line in front of her. High above, the carefully arranged storm clouds quivered as they began to release the water they held in the form of steady rain.

“That’s good, RD, now just send it over the orchards like we discussed!” Applejack shouted up at the clouds.

“Alright,” Rainbow said, spitting on her hooves and rubbing them together. “Fluttershy, you okay?”

“I’ve got it,” Fluttershy nodded, taking wing and hovering next to the cloud, ready to push. Rainbow Dash followed suit, and readied herself.

“On your mark, Fluttershy,” Rainbow nodded.

“Okay,” Fluttershy said, steeling herself. “One, two... three... mark!”

With simultaneous efforts, Fluttershy and Rainbow Dash pushed the cloud with carefully measured strength, giving the cloud arrangement a small, but steady motion that would take it over the length of Sweet Apple Acres in an afternoon. Satisfied, the two pegasi dropped down to stand next to Applejack, looking at their slow-moving handiwork.

“Thanks a lot you two,” Applejack said. “This’ll save us some time with the watering and all. Danged summer, I just wish it weren’t so dry.”

“No sweat, AJ,” Rainbow scoffed. “I don’t know why you haven’t asked us to help with this before. It’s easier than just setting up a rainstorm over your whole orchard.”

“It was no trouble, really,” Fluttershy said.

“Aaaugh!” shrieked a voice.

“What was that?” Rainbow asked, flapping her wings and rising higher to see what might have caused it. “Sounded like it came from inside the orchard.”

“It sounded like Twilight,” Fluttershy ventured.

“Ah don’t rightly know,” Applejack said, missing Fluttershy’s guess under the sound of localized rainfall. “Ah feel somethin’ runnin’ towards us, though.”

“Twilight probably got caught in the rain we just started,” Fluttershy mumbled.

“I see something!” Rainbow yelled. “It’s... Twilight and Spike?!”

Rainbow touched back down as a positively-soaked Twilight ran up to the group, Spike bouncing around on her back, trailing water as she fled the curtain of rain, and stumbled to a halt.

“Twilight!” Applejack exclaimed. “Y’all okay?”

“I’m fine!” Twilight dismissed. “I just didn’t expect it to start raining like that!”

“Well, shoot,” Applejack said, standing next to Twilight to begin leading the lavender mare towards the farmhouse. “Come on, we’ll getcha a towel.”

“I already have one,” Fluttershy said, pressing a towel into Twilight’s hooves. Rainbow Dash and Applejack looked at her with surprise.

“That’s mighty good forward thinkin’ there, Fluttershy,” Applejack said, approvingly.

“I just flew over to the farmhouse and picked up one of the towels Granny Smith set out in case this happened,” Fluttershy admitted. “She planned ahead.”

“Still,” Rainbow Dash looked over at the farmhouse. “You must’ve been working out, Fluttershy, to get there and back so fast. What’s your wingpower now? Thirteen?”

“I, um, walked,” Fluttershy said. “I got a head start just after Applejack felt something running towards us.”

“Oh.” Rainbow Dash hovered in the air, thinking. “Wait a minute. If you only started walking after Applejack felt something running to us, how’d you know it was Twilight and not something like, a pig?”

“Because, um, pigs don’t squeal like Twilight sounds,” Fluttershy pointed out.

“You could tell it was Twilight just by how she screamed?” Applejack seemed impressed. “That’s still pretty cool, but why didn’t y’all say so earlier?”

“I did,” Fluttershy protested. “Twice. Neither of you heard me.”

“What was that?” Rainbow dug a hoof in her ear. “Didn’t quite catch that.”

“Neither,” Applejack admitted. “Buckin’ appletrees has done somethin’ terrible to my hearing, all those cracks.”

“Never mind,” Fluttershy sighed, as Twilight finished drying herself and Spike off. “What’s up, Twilight?”

“Not much,” Twilight said, using her magic to straighten out her now-dry mane. “We’ve all been invited to go seal clubbing with the Princesses and other ambassadors tonight.”

“Say no more,” Rainbow Dash asserted. “I’m in. Always wanted to go seal clubbing, I hear it’s totally awesome.”

“Shoot,” Applejack said, smiling. “If RD’s game, I am. Never heard o’ seal clubbin’ before. Can I get away with my workin’ horseshoes?”

“I don’t see why not,” Twilight shrugged. “It’s going to be an adventure for me, too. What about you, Fluttershy?”

“Oh, I don’t know,” Fluttershy said. “Seal clubbing isn’t really my thing.”

“You know, Rarity said exactly the same thing,” Spike remarked. “If we said that there would be other cold-weather animals for you to meet, would you be happy with that?”

Fluttershy perked up a little. “Will there be penguins?”

“I don’t know,” Twilight admitted. “Spike? Take a letter.”

“Right,” Spike said, producing quill and paper.

“Dear Princess Celestia,” Twilight recited, “Fluttershy would like to ask if there are going to be any penguins when we go seal clubbing. Your faithful student, Twilight Sparkle.”

“Send it?” Spike asked.

“Send it,” Twilight nodded. Spike breathed green flame over the letter, and the wisp of flame rapidly ate it up before flying into the sky and towards Canterlot.

It wasn’t long before Spike burped, and coughed up a gout of flame, that rapidly reformed into a small napkin. The ponies gathered around as Spike unfolded it, and found a single word awkwardly scrawled out on the napkin, “signed” with a mark that looked not unlike lipstick.

Yes

“Well, there you go,” Twilight said. “There will be penguins.”

“Then I’m going,” Fluttershy nodded.

“Great!” Twilight nodded. “Let’s all meet at the library at six, so we can catch a chariot to Canterlot.”

“Awesome,” Rainbow Dash exclaimed. “I’m gonna get home now, make sure Tank’s sorted for tonight.”

With a rush of wind, Rainbow Dash shot off and curved around the orchard, before angling over Ponyville for the cloud-castle floating on the other side of town.

Twilight nodded to Applejack and Fluttershy. “I think I’ll head back home as well, make sure Owloysious knows what to do tonight.”

“See you later tonight,” Applejack said. “Come on, Fluttershy. Ah owe you a pie.”

======

The sound of the heavy beats drove into their ears as they stood on the ice, the darkness around them split by spotlights and neon lights.

The six ponies were scattered around the locale, making small talk with others present. Rarity was being admired by one of the gryphon ambassador’s entourage, showing off her new, coat-matching fluffy-collared jacket. Spike was not far away, sporting a swell hoodie and looking sour as he nursed a decidedly non-alcoholic drink, his reward for trying to stealthily order a vodka and red minotaur, content for the moment to play silent protector for Rarity from amidst a gaggle of penguins.

Rainbow Dash and Applejack were busy getting down to business with a couple of seals, stamping hooves and throwing their heads back and forth to a visceral beat, enjoying the night far more than they otherwise would have had Rarity not decided to make jackets for all the ponyville ponies. Despite Applejack’s lack of experience with this sort of clubbing, she was making an impressive showing, drawing her fair share of admirers, and not just ponies. In fact, some of the gryphons were so torn between her and Rainbow Dash, a small discussion had sprung up over who was best.

Pinkie Pie, Fluttershy, a dragon that looked suspiciously like a pony, and a penguin were seated around a flat slab of stone, swapping jokes and generally comparing notes on how each of them stayed warm in such cold temperatures. In Pinkie Pie’s case, both. All of them were nursing hot drinks - unusual for nightclubs in general, but less so in seal-themed clubs, where the average atmospheric temperature was, by table consensus, judged to be “freeze crotch-boobs off cold”, a metric proposed by Fluttershy of all ponies. Following this proposition, Pinkie Pie decided that lacing Fluttershy’s drink with “the good stuff” was not a good idea.

And at the big table, where none save for Twilight had any issues staying warm in a perpetually-sub-zero nightclub, Twilight was treated to a rare sight - some of the most powerful creatures in the known world, capable of dictating foreign policy with the snap of a claw or the stamp of a hoof without anything second-guessing their decisions, all completely smashed out of their gourds. The only pony who wasn’t inebriated in the slightest was Princess Luna, who seemed to share Twilight’s amazement at how drunk her sister was.

“Celly, really?” Luna asked. “Did you have to preload before coming out here?”

“‘s Seal Clubbing,” Celestia slurred. “If you ain’t getting smashed, it ain’t a seal club.”

“You realize the management of the club’s going to take our picture soon, right?” Luna pointed out. “The picture that will go up on the wall, probably in a pride of place given who’s in it?”

“Pfft,” the gryphon ambassador grunted, waving a claw dismissively. “We’ll be just like everyone else.” He finished his drink, and squinted at it awkwardly in the strobing lights. “Damn. Empty. Gotta say, the seals know how to mix a drink.”

“Indeed,” the dragon ambassador agreed. Thanks to his bulk, he wasn’t nearly as sloshed as Celestia or the gryphon ambassador was, but it was a nod to seal drink mixing that he was making very swift progress towards that “goal”.

Right on cue, a seal waddled up to the table, and barked at the dragon, who nodded. With a deft flick of a flipper, the dragon’s brimstone mix was swapped out, and the seal waddled away, empty tankard sitting in the middle of the serving tray balanced on the seal’s nose.

“I’ve never been seal clubbing before,” Twilight confided quietly in Luna, as Celestia, the gryphon ambassador and the dragon ambassador broke into a strange, slurred dialect that she couldn’t quite identify.

“Well, contrary to what Celly says,” Luna replied, “You don’t have to get absolutely hammered to have a good time. Go on, feel free to find one of your friends and get dancing. Even better, make a new friend! I think that seal over there’s making faces at you.”

Twilight turned and looked at the bar, where a seal who was blatantly looking at her looked away nonchalantly, whistling inaudibly over the sound of drum and bass coming from the club’s envy-inducing sound system.

“Alright, Princess,” Twilight smiled, “I’ll leave you to... uh...”

Twilight’s smile faded, as did Luna’s, when they looked over to see Celestia sprawled across the table, tongue poking out in concentration with two knives held aloft in her magic as the gryphon and dragon had foreclaws splayed on the table, chanting “do it”.

“Is getting your claws stabbed by a drunken alicorn part of a good night?” Twilight asked quietly.

“In some cultures, yes,” Luna nodded. “I will confess though, I’ve been away for a thousand years. I don’t know if these two are part of any of those cultures.”

======

Dear Twilight Sparkle,

What happened last night? My head is pounding like a jackhammer, and no matter what, Luna is being the biggest nag ever and not letting me at my hangover meds to “teach me a lesson”. I swear to me, this is why I sent her to the moon last time.

Anyway. Can’t remember what happened last night, but I got letters today from the ambassadors to the Gryphon Kingdoms and the Dragon Clans, both basically saying that they couldn’t remember how they got all those stab wounds in their foreclaws, and that’s what made a good night of seal clubbing great.

Long story short, all our trade agreements got renewed for another fifty years, and I have no idea how the buck I did it, and Luna’s not telling me.

Do you know? Because this is killing me.

Sincerely,

Princess Celestia