These Maroon Feathers

by Decrylian

Rating: teen
Tags: Human, Comedy, Romance
Length: 6222

I find myself in a shrubbery with outlines and I don't think I had fur (or hooves for that matter) when I fell asleep last night.

I've always wanted a new beginning, sure my life so far has not been bad at all but I feel as if there has always been something missing, to think all I had to do was slam my face into my keyboard, fight my cat and go to sleep in a bed that hadn't been made in four days… the universe really does have a sick sense of humour.

Published 1970-01-01 00:00:00 UTC
Last updated 2013-04-19 21:28:18 UTC

Chapter 1

Once again I sit here in the back left corner of my dimly lit room staring at the computer screen. Slightly scowling I wait for the YouTube clip I’ve waited about an hour for to finish loading, as you might have figured out my connection speed isn't that great. I sigh and hang my head down, letting my long brown hair fall down over my face, thinking back to the good old times when i had a faster connection. My mouth curves up as I start giggling to myself as I recognize my first-world problems. I lift my head and brush my hair aside to get a look at the screen to see if the clip is finished yet only to see that the flash module has crashed, in the blink of an eye I forget the silliness of my problems and smash my face into my keyboard groaning ”Fuuuuck my life”

This is how I spend most of my days as an 19 year old Swedish guy by the name of Robin with 202 games on Steam (375 if you count the mods/dlc's) and still managing to have nothing to do, I know I'm amazing. After getting my face off the keyboard and checking the time, 1:05am I get up and threw myself on the bed deciding it was enough computer for today and that i really needed a hug right now, the universe continuing to taunt me by not materializing anything huggable, I begin bothering the nearest of my 3 cats for hugs instead. Half an hour and 5 scratch-marks later i give up my battle for hugs and get as comfortable you can get in a bed that hasn't been made in 4 days and fell asleep.

I've always had problems with waking up unless someone decided I didn't have enough water or snow in my bed (screw you dad), this time though I woke up to the sound of the wind and the nice breeze that came with it, sleepily lifting my head while yawning, slowly opening my eyes and inspecting the shrubbery that currently housed me wondering what the flying fuck was going on since I was at my mother's when I fell asleep, if I would have been at my dad's I would have just shrugged it off as one of his many ways of waking me up and gone back to sleep just to piss him off, this however not being the case right now I was legitimately confused, the offending shrubbery having an outline did not help my predicament whatsoever, lifting my arm to poke at the strange shrubbery I noticed something was wrong, I couldn't move my fingers, I looked down at my limb examining it for a good 2 minutes before I said “Well there's your problem, you don't have any fingers” thinking about what I just said and earlier noted while eyeing my limb I screamed “I DON'T HAVE ANY FINGERS!!?” scrambling out of my former predicament 'the shrubbery' I struggled trying to properly stand up, after a while of failing miserably I gave up lying in a heap under a tree hyperventilating and after a while slowly calming down.

After getting my breathing back to normal I noted that I was in a forest a nice lush green one aswell, now that I had my surroundings checked I directed my attention towards myself “Now let's see here” I mumbled getting a good look at my limbs “Ok it seems that I have fur or a coat now, maroon in colour in fact” craning my head to look at the rest of my body I noted that I had a pair of wings and a long bushy tail of a lighter red colour with a navy-blue streak in it, after gushing over my wings for a bit I recomposed myself rolled over on my back and started thinking about what I had learned while waving my new limbs around.

A few minutes later I had come to the understanding that I was now some sort of equine if you will, a pegasus if you want to be picky and that I probably had crossed dimensions in my sleep, because I'm pretty sure nothing back on earth had outlines, I also noted that the universe has a really sick sense of humour, I stopped waving my limbs about now having a basic knowledge of where most of my new muscles were located and decided it was time to learn walking, probably get some  bruises and eat some dirt while trying, if it's anything I've learned in my years it's that if you expect bad things to happen you are happier when they don't and if they do you have a reason for saying 'Told you so'.

Getting the 'standing up' part was no problem as was the first step and the unavoidable mouthful of dirt and grass I got after that one, twenty minutes later I was walking like a champ, well by 'champ' I mean slow and shaky as hell, but I was walking. I took a direction by random and started walking more and more steadily after each step, soon I had no problems with my trivial task anymore, though running would have to wait a few days. I reached the edge of the forest sooner then I expected and I spotted a dirt road from where I was in the tree-line, it seemed to lead into a nearby village where I could see more equines of different kinds some pegasi, what seemed like 'normal' horses and even unicorns all doing whatever equines of this world do. I sat down and started thinking over my situation because doing things without properly thinking first is just stupid in my opinion. “Hmm... if Skyrim taught me anything it's that 'observing' then 'doing' is the way to go when finding a new creature” I said to no one in particular and continued to walk towards the village.

Circling the village for a good spot to observe without being detected, I found the most delightful bush to hide in outside a giant tree with windows and proceeded to crawl under it. Now with a with a good spot for observing I did just that. I didn't know studying these equines from the inside of a bush would be so informative, from just looking, listening and putting two and two together I learned that this village was called Ponyville and from that and a few minutes of hearing some of the equines speak (thank god they speak English) I figured out that the equines called themselves ponies, the countries name was apparently Equestria with the capital of Canterlot which was located on the side of the mountain I could see in the distance and that the weird windowed tree beside me was in fact a library, oh can't forget about that this place apparently has magic aswell, though only unicorns could use it “Drat, no fireballs for me then” I muttered, a bit pissed off that the unicorns were hogging all that fun for themselves.

I was about to exit my hiding spot when I felt something grab my tail and yank me out of the bush.

“Whaa-” was all I could get out before a branch stuffed my mouth full of sticks and small leaves.

“What are you doing in my garden miss” I heard an annoyed voice from behind me. I thoughtfully chewed the small piece of bush I currently had in my mouth before spitting it out deciding it didn't taste as good as I expected a well-tended bush to taste.

“Wait, who are you calling miss?” I checked my undercarriage, it was still there “I'm male“ I responded a bit peeved that someone would mistake me for a female. I turned around and discovered that it was a purple unicorn that had interrupted my plans.

“Really?” she replied while lifting an eyebrow “Because you totally look like a mare to me” and that was how I learned that I now looked like a mare, 'Hurray, time to make ponies confused' I thought while trying to hold myself from giggling evilly.

“We are straying from the topic” she continued “I still want to know who you are and what you were doing in my garden” she looked at me with a stern glare.

I panicked mostly because after listening to all those ponies talk I had realized that my name didn't really fit in in this world and that I would need a new one, and my other reason for panicking was my sudden urge to take a piss though that could be handled later, right now however I needed a name badly, so I brainstormed for a moment and found something 'close enough' that I liked.

“Swift Gleam at your service, and I thought this garden belonged to the library miss...” I trailed off.

“Twilight Sparkle” she introduced herself as “And I happen to live in the library”

“Well then” I began “I'm sorry if I ruined your bush and or any flowers I might have stepped on” I said as I looked around to see what damaged I might have caused in my mission for knowledge, luckily I didn't see any particularly flattened flowers just a few minor bent ones “but it's getting late and I'd better get going” I added after glancing at the setting sun that seemingly coated the world in a golden glow, and begun to slowly walk away.

“Wait!” she yelled “You still haven't explained what you were doing in my garden!”

“It's a secret!” I yelled back at her while picking up my pace laughing as I went back towards the forest to find a new shrubbery to sleep in.

Chapter 2

Standing at the edge of the once vibrant and well-lit forest I marveled at how much the light of the setting sun had changed it; now instead of the warm and calming feeling it gave off in complete sunlight it had a dark and eery feeling about it. “Just how I like it!” I laughed to myself, not noticing the curious purple eyes that followed me from behind.

A while later I found my way to a clearing and proceeded to lie down on my back looking up at the now dark and star-filled sky, my chin almost hit my chest; I had never seen so many stars at the same time and it was absolutely beautiful. I stayed in that position looking up at the sky in wonder while thinking back to when I was younger when I was a scout and we went camping.

Back then I never could sleep when the leaders told us too and usually slipped out after they fell asleep to find a nice spot to stargaze from and most of the time fall asleep on, waking up all wet from dew wasn't one of my favorite pastimes though I never regretted a night outside. The leaders always scolded me for risking sickness like that.

“Ahh good ol' times” I sighed and tore my eyes of the starry piece of art and directly got that feeling of being watched, I started looking around as carefully as possible not wanting to give away my knowledge of someone or something being there. I spotted something hastily retreating into a bush from where I originally entered the clearing.

I slowly got up and stretched away the staleness I've gotten from lying still for so long and steadily made my way to the opposite side of the clearing. Entering the thick bushes there I quickly lied  down and waited for whatever was following me to make itself known. I was quite shocked when I spotted the librarian Twilight Sparkle slowly making her way through the moonlit clearing, her attempts at stealth made me want to give her a pat on the back for trying and perhaps give her some sort of consolation-price.

Sure I probably had to work on my stealth aswell now that I had a new body to get used to, back when I still was in my human form I had been the definition of 'sneaky'; I was kinda like a mix between Ezio Auditore, Sam Fisher and Adam Jensen. I mostly used my self-taught skills play pranks on people, mostly jump-scare or 'He's behind me isn't he?' kinds of pranks those are awesome. Waking up in a new dimension was not going to keep me away from pranking anything sentient.

And so my plan to teach the purple pony not to stalk other beings began to form (cough-hypocrite-cough). I made sure too keep atleast one eye on her while I scouted for the perfect spot to hide. By the time Twilight reached my side of the clearing I was already prowling behind her in the shadows. When she stuck her head in the bushes probably trying to locate where I had gone I decided to make my move.

I crept out of the shadows and stood up rolling my shoulders a bit to get that relaxed feeling back I simply walked over to her still with her head in the bush and leaned over close to her ear and whispered “Fresh meat” in the most sinister tone I could muster up.

And here I thought only pegasi could fly. With a girly “EEEEEEP!!” she flew up into the nearest tree screaming at the top of lung. Safe to say I was rolling around laughing my newly gained flank off.

“YOU!?” I heard when my laughing-fit finally blew over “YOU!!?” Oh there it is again, I looked up towards the tree where the unicorn was perched on a large branch looking like she was going to brutally kill me and burn the body.

“Ehehe... Me?” I replied a little creeped out by her unfaltering gaze of death and destruction.

Her glare got a bit more horrifying. “Ehrm... I'm sorry?” I squeaked out. The need to take a piss was back more urgent than ever, 'Great timing body' I mentally sighed.

Her horn flared up and she teleported a few centimeters in front of my face, whereupon I let a tiny most manly squeak escape my lips. She opened her mouth probably to scold me for scaring her. “HOLD IT!” I interrupted before bolting off into the nearest bush to relive myself not bothering to check if I was properly covered before doing so.

“Hey! Where do you thin-...” she trailed off now having a clear view of my stallionhood. “Er-I-ah-ehm...” she started stuttering while blushing profusely her anger abruptly thrown out of the window.

“That's why I said 'hold it', and if you wanted to have a look you could have just asked you know” I said with a wink causing the blushing to increase by the power of a thousand suns or maybe just the power of a tactical light from Battlefield 3. I finished my buissness and  stepped out of the bush.

“Now I guess you have a reason for following me around at this time of the day?” I questioned her while sitting down on a nearby puff of grass.

“Well...” she started, still blushing and not quite looking me in the eyes yet “after you left I couldn't stop thinking about what you really were doing in my garden, I tried to forget about it but it kept me from relaxing so I couldn't sleep and it started to drive me crazy so I decided to follow you home and bug you about it until you told me” she finished while looking quite proud about her plan.

“Ok, there's two problems here” I said “One: You clearly dislike not knowing certain things and you should work on that. Two: I don't have a home so your plan kinda failed there”

“Y-You don't have a h-home?” she asked in a most heartbreakingly sad tone.

“I was thinking about building like a tree-house or some sort of underground home if possible, oh and caves are cool too” I pondered “Say, you wouldn't like to help me with that if I gave you the answer for your question in return would you?”

“Hmm” she looked like she was thinking about it really hard “Sure, I'll help you BUT only if you promise to tell me what you were doing AND if you agree to sleep in my guestroom for the night, I wouldn't want to leave you out in the cold now would I” she answered looking pretty smug about herself.

“Promise, and I could live with a warm bed for the night” I replied pretty sure she offered the bed just to keep an eye on me so I wouldn't bail on her.

“Great!” she quipped and started to walk towards Ponyville while I was stuck in my thoughts wondering if it is such a good idea to follow someone who earlier looked ready to kill me home.

I came to the conclusion that I was probably just being paranoid and started off after her, struggling to catch up and longing for that bed.

When I caught up with her she gave me this sweet little smile, this was either the beginning of something wonderful or the beginning of something horrible. I was hoping for something in-between, after all life's no fun without a bit of action.

Chapter 3

Nothing really interesting happened during the walk back to the library, though the second we got to our destination my stomach made its presence known with a deep guttural growl that made Twilight tense up for a moment.

“Sorry” I said “But I haven't eaten anything in like a day or so” I started drooling slightly thinking about if it would be too much to ask for some salmon or maybe a burger.

“Now that I think about it I am quite peckish myself after this little adventure, you want anything special? I refilled the fridge earlier today” Twilight replied while she opened the door leading into the library.

“Yeaahh...” I drooled out “I could totally go for a hamburger or some salmon right now” The second these words left my mouth Twilight looked absolutely horrified.

“P-Please tell me that was a joke, you don't really eat meat do you?” she stuttered, looking ill and slightly green.

“What do you mean? Meat is awesome! If it wasn't for eating why would they sell it at the market then?” I deadpanned giving her the 'Are you shitting me?' look.

“M-Market? Bu-But they don't sell mea-, ohhhh” She looked like she just had figured out how magnets worked “You must have grown up in a griffon village and had very cruel griffon adoptive parents that fed you meat even though you were a pony!” She finished with clopping her hooves together and looking proud over her revelation.

My brain having finally caught up to why she was so upset, I decided to just roll with it not having a better explanation to why I ate meat “H-How did you know...” I gasped in a well-faked shocked tone.

Just as she opened her mouth to probably continue prodding the subject my stomach decided it had just about enough of our rambling and voiced its protests with another of its near demonic growls.

“Oh right we were getting something to eat” Twilight said dropping the previous subject and looking quite sheepish as she walked towards what I assumed was the kitchen. “I have enough vegetables for a salad or we could make some daisy-sandwiches. Unless you have a better idea?” she said while rummaging through her fridge.

“Sandwiches sounds nice” I replied not having a better idea and really not caring what I ate as long as it was tasty.

We didn't speak much more before going to bed, well apart from me thanking her for the sandwich. Soon I found myself in a small room just big enough to house a bed, a bedside table and some cardboard boxes. I guessed she used this room for storage when she didn't have stray ponies to house, and it's not like the 'cramped storage' feeling the room gave off was bad, in fact I kinda liked it.

As I laid there in the darkness it suddenly hit me; I was in a different dimension, I was now a pegasus and I should probably learn flying the first thing in the morning before someone started asking questions about it. And I should probably relax and sleep before I go into my state of being awake for too long which includes; sudden screams, bursting into song, talking at a ludicrous speed and relocating sleeping spot to somewhere just plain odd like under the bed or under someone else's bed and sometimes the closet, the bathroom floor works fine aswell not to mention on or under the kitchen table.

I woke up next morning to someone opening my door and closing it again in a hurry and then jumping in under the covers with me giggling. And in my drowsiness of just waking up I did the most sensible thing I could think of at the moment; I hugged whoever it was and started snuggling like my life depended on it.

“Whoa! What? Who?” my newest victim gasped out as I nuzzled her cheek “Oi! Quit it I'm trying to hide here!” she protested.

“Dun wanna” I yawned continuing to nibble on her ear causing her to start moaning.

“You're gonna blow my cover” she complained as I sleepily buried my face into her mane “Who are you anyways?”

“I'm Swift Gleam and you are my new snuggle buddy” I stated. She opened her mouth to respond but I put a hoof on her lips and said “Shush my most comfortable friend it is sleepy time” she struggled to get away but failed miserably as my hug held her in place.

“Ugh... fine, I guess I was going to take a nap sooner or later anyways” she sighed completely demolished by my military-grade snuggling. Though by the time she gave up I was already fast asleep again, my muzzle buried deep in her mane which had a nice smell of rain.

Next time my sleep was interrupted it was by Twilight knocking on the door “Swift Gleam are you up yet? It is noon!” she said to which both my new snuggle buddy and I grunted at the same time in response to.

Twilight proceeded to open the door “It's time to wake uuup” she continued.

“We dun wanna” I responded sleepily gazing towards her, the other pony who inhabited the bed decided to add “Yeah Twilight you can't tell us when we can or cannot sleep”

I think that broke Twilight. Yes it probably did, I mean the thousand-yard stare and the half open mouth kinda gave it away.

I looked to my snuggle buddy and asked “Is now the time where we kiss right in front of her so she'll never get the images out of her head?”

She gave me the bedroom eyes and said “I'm down with a good joke”

And then everything sexual happened, is what I would like to say if Twilight hadn't started hardcore panicking. Yup we broke her good.

We managed to calm Twilight down before she set the library on fire, apparently she was already stressed out because someone had hidden her quills so she couldn't make today’s checklist. My snuggle buddy introduced herself as Rainbow Dash and the reason for the quills being gone. I managed to calm Twilight down before she set Rainbow on fire.

Chapter 4

After I made sure that nothing and or noone was being set on fire I excused myself and headed on out of the library to find a suitable place to repeatedly crash without hurting myself trying to fly and also out of sight so I wouldn't have to deal with questions such as why a fully grown stallion (who happens to look like a mare) can't fly properly.

I decided on taking a walk through town and get to know the general landmarks so I could get around without getting lost before moving on to the flying and crashing part of this day.

Half way through the town I came upon a small restaurant; there was nothing odd about it and the only reason for me noticing it was because of what seemed like an 'upper class' white stallion with a blonde mane that was loudly screaming at the waitress how worthless she was; not knowing how to make a proper sandwich saying that the bread was not soft enough and there was not nearly enough salad.

Now there's only one thing I hate more than pompous assholes; pompous assholes that make a scene when it's unnecessary to do so (Oh and onions and fermented fish). It was time to channel my inner badger of Russian heritage. I sneaked up behind him and said “Ah' don't approve of yer conduct!” I proceeded to deck him in the face as he turned around knocking him out instantly “Gimme' yo' sandwich son!” and with that said I took his sandwich and ate it slowly as I picked a few coins out of his pocket to give to the waitress as payment.

Though paying proved to be a bit tricky as the waitress and everyone else was quite stunned by my awesome behavior, so I just put the coins on her head and went along my way to find a good spot for crashing and hopefully some flying as I was tired of mapping the town for now. After a bit of searching around I remembered the clearing in the woods and since I hadn't found anything better, that would have to do.

I reached the clearing after what seemed like half an hour and proceeded to tackle my first issue with flying; moving my wings. One would be surprised how hard it is to move an extra pair of limbs, it's like having four arms but one pair does not like you being in charge at the moment and likes to do whatever the fuck you don't want it to do just to piss you off. Now I'm not one to anger easily or at all for that matter, but when something keeps slapping me in the face multiple times it gets old quickly, and it didn't take long before I was running around screaming profanities while being slapped repeatedly in the face by my asshole wings.

“Wings? What are you doing? Wings? Stahp!” I exclaimed trying to reason with them only succeeding in making them slap more and harder. “Make it staaaahp!” I screamed desperately needing assistance as I ran around disoriented by all the slapping. I noticed that my screams of pure agony had attracted help as I ran headfirst into Rainbow Dash knocking both of us flat on our backs.

As I got my bearings back together I noticed a severe lack of wings in my face and a dazed looking Dash.

“My hero!” I exclaimed tackle-hugging the now somewhat confused pony “You saved me from the most evil slappy feathery appendages on my back!”

“The what now?” she asked probably questioning my sanity “What were you doing anyway?”

“Promise not to laugh?” I asked as I let go of Dash, preparing to guilt-trip or any other convenient way to get her into helping me reach the skies.

“Sure, what is it?” she pressed, seemingly eager to get at my supposed secrets.

“I can't fly” I squeaked out trying to make my faked embarrassment as genuine as possible.

“I don't think running around slapping yourself is going to help you to fly” she deadpanned. Fake embarrassment exchanged with a hundred and ten percent genuine one.

“Who knows? Maybe if I do it for another ten minutes a floating text will appear that says 'Flying skill increased to 10' or something” I said thinking back to all those hours spent on Skyrim.

“Yeaahhh...no I don't think so” she said “As much as I would like to see you run around slapping yourself I am just going to spare you the headache and teach you, since I am the best flier around you should be soaring in the skies in no time!” She struck a heroic pose looking rather proud of herself.

While glad that my plan worked out, I got the feeling that if I didn't help get her ego down right now she would explode, and if she exploded I would have to find a new snuggle-buddy and I didn't feel like getting a new one since my current one was the most huggable creature I've ever seen; that calming sky-blue colored soft coat and those adorable large magneta eyes... I think I got a bit sidetracked. Right, getting ego down before detonation of snuggle-buddy. (No, that was not me trying to cover up the fact that I like snuggling. Not at all.)

I swiftly tripped her and caught her in my forelegs, she looked startled as I leaned down over her. As I activated the bedroom-eyes I said in a seductive voice “Well then... I guess I owe you a thank you kiss both for saving me and for the promised lessons.” Just as our lips were about to meet I heard someone gasping behind us, reminding me that this may have gone overboard a bit.

“Oh...ohhh my” I heard someone squeak out.

“Why is it that every time I see you two together it is in a compromising position?” I registered this voice as the one Twilight was in possession of.

“Oh you're just jealous” I joked as I let an extremely embarrassed Dash go. I turned around to face the newcomers which included Twilight and four new ponies and immediately engaged my people reading skills.

One pegasus with butter-yellow coat and a long pink mane that she were hiding her teal eyes behind while blushing and looking guilty but she was obviously interested in what Dash and I were doing. Obvious closet-pervert right there.

Then there was an marshmallow-white unicorn with a styled purple mane and blue eyes sitting next to the butter-yellow closet-perv looking equally interested but not blushing at all. Oh lookie, I guess on hopeless romantic with this one.

Next were an orange pony with a blond mane tied up in a pony-tail and what seemed to be a stetson on her head. She looked a lot more muscular than the rest of this group and her freckled face was currently occupied with a slight blush and her emerald-green eyes were trying to find something other than Dash and me to look at. Labeled as the hard worker and not so much love-life type of pony.

And then there was pink. SO. MUCH. PINK. Pink coat, slightly darker pink fluffmonster of a mane, cyan eyes and what seemed like duct-tape over her mouth, not that it seemed to bother her at all, actually she seemed really happy, maybe even too happy; if happiness was to be measured in energy output this was the size of a nuclear reactor within a bigger nuclear reactor that produced nuclear reactors of pure happiness (Yo dawg, I heard you like nuclear reactors...). Other than all of the happiness this creature gave off she was completely un-readable so I labeled her as scary. My jimmies were severely rustled.

They had also brought what seemed like a green and purple bipedal lizard with  to carry what looked like four picnic-baskets containing about 20 kilos of different foods and pastries. His green eyes were pleading for a rest. His suffering gave me a funny feeling, like a warm fuzzy sensation in my chest. This rustled my jimmies even further but having other things to focus on made thinking about it impossible for now.

“Anyways, everypony this is Swift Gleam, Swift Gleam this is Pinkie Pie” she gestured towards the pink happy-factory who was almost vibrating with happy now.”We had to tape her mouth shut because she wouldn't stop talking after I mentioned you and it made talking to anypony else impossible”

“This is Applejack” she continued and gestured towards the one wearing the stetson who crossed her legs and aimed a polite nod towards me.

“Then we have Rarity” another gesture towards the marshmallow-white unicorn who put on an almost beaming smile and fluttered her eye-lashes.

“And then we have Fluttershy” Now gesturing towards the butter-yellow closet-perv who was currently hiding behind her mane as she squeaked pitifully in response to her name being mentioned.

“And last but not least we have Spike, my number one assistant!” Twilight completed her speech by gesturing towards the over-loaded lizard who simply gave a tired grunt in response and started unpacking everything.

“Twilight told us about this clearing and how it would be a perfect picnic-spot and she also wanted to introduce you to the rest of our friends, so we have been looking for you since a while after you simply disappeared from the library” Dash spoke up finally having recovered from her close encounter with my unmatched charm.

“We would have gotten here earlier darling if we didn't get hold up by some guards asking if we knew anything about a pony who had apparently knocked prince Blueblood unconscious. Personally I want to thank whoever did it” Rarity added and I immediately put two and two together.

“Well you're welcome then I guess” I said. Wow haven't been here more than a day and I've already assaulted royalty.

Before I knew it there was gasps and shocked looks directed at me.

“What?” I asked “In my defense; he was verbally assaulting a poor waitress for simply doing her job”

“So you... started a fight?” Twilight asked trying to understand my reasoning.

“No, I did not start a fight. I simply punched him in the face and ate his sandwich while he was unconscious, and it was one good sandwich I'll tell you. I don't get what his problem was” I explained in an nonchalant tone. Everypony calmed down and began to eat, well except Fluttershy who was hiding behind Rarity, Pinkie who had trouble with getting the tape off to get at the cupcake with pink frosting she picked out for herself and  Twilight who apparently likes to fuss over small stuff.

“Nevermind his problems! What about yours?!” Twilight exclaimed in a panicked tone while her right eye started to twitch.

“What problems?” I asked while trying to munch on a chocolate and vanilla muffin I had nicked out of a nearby basket, eating was hard with hooves.

“Well since Blueblood is the prince... well the prince of whining anyways, I'd suspect he has already gotten half of Canterlot's royal guard here looking for you already” The panic in Twilight's voice was increasing after each word.

“Twilight calm down, I'll deal with whatever consequences when they come up. Right now however there is a perfectly nice and calm picnic to be had, and I swear if you can't lay off; Pinkie's tape will find a new owner” I threatened as I began to help Pinkie get rid of said tape.

The idea of a calm and nice picnic abruptly left along with the tape as it came off Pinkie's mouth. There was a large intake of air before a shitstorm of words hit the area I currently resided in.

“ThankyouforgettingthattapeoffIreallywantedtoeatthiscupcakebutnotofcoursebeforeaskingyouifyoulikepartiesbecouseireallylikepartiesandifyoudidn'tlikepartiesthanthatwouldbeoddbecousewhodoesn'tlikeparties...” I tuned out the rest by thinking of what Vaas would do; I came to the conclusion that Vaas wouldn't have gotten himself in a situation like this because he would probably have shot/stabbed/enslaved any pastel-colored equine that was brave or stupid enough to get within an area of 5 kilometers from him(Watch out for Vaas, he'll enslave your ass). Gotta find a new role-model, this one wasn't helpful at all.

That was when I had the most brilliant idea ever. I shook my head and got a read on my surroundings again, it seemed as Pinkie just finished imitating a verbal machine-gun and was now looking at me expectantly, to which I held up a hoof and said “Before I try to decipher whatever it was you said, I'd like to know if anypony brought any forks?”

“Of course darling, I even brought a few extra in case any got dirty or dropped on the way here” Rarity answered.

“Good, second question; does anypony have any rubber bands?”

“Yes, I keep rubber bands all over Equestria in case of rubber band emergency!” The overly pink one answered, and zoomed off, but quickly came back and dropped a bunch of the requested item in front of me.

“Ok, here's what needs to be done; I want one of you to fasten forks on my wings using the rubber bands, try to stick as many as possible on there please.”

“Where exactly is this going?” Twilight inquired with a confused look plastered on her face.

“I'mma practice flying and solve the problem of my stomach desperately screaming for food of any kind” I beamed with pride over my genius.

I'll just skip ahead and tell you that getting stabbed with multiple forks over and over again even when said forks are loaded with food hurts like hell and the food just makes it messy. I need a bath.