The Colossally Catastrophic Conundrum

by Key Strix

Rating: everyone
Tags: Derpy Hooves, Princess Celestia, Crossover, Doctor Whooves, Princess Luna, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 4558

A comedic mystery with a birthday and some timey wimey stuff.

Cakes, presents, and special guests, oh my! Celestia's birthday is being celebrated with clear skies and fun times! However, one should keep their eyes peeled - on such a special day, something is bound to go wrong.

~Cover Image is borrowed.~

Published 2012-12-11 21:30:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-11 21:30:01 UTC

The Full Story

My Little Ponies: Friendship is Magic

The Colossally Catastrophic Conundrum
Written by Key Strix
Proofread by hauntu4ever
Edited by Raryn

~This is a non-profit fan made story. All characters belong to their respective owners.~

The sky was blue! The clouds were white and fluffy! The sun shined brightly! It certainly was a great day to celebrate the birth of Celestia!

Nearly everypony took the day off to hit up one of the many parties across the land, sky, and sea. But of course, no party was bigger than the one at Canterlot Castle itself. The Kingdom was packed with tourists that had come from all over with hopes of getting into the castle or to catch a glimpse of the famous alicorn princesses that lived there.

Sadly, the fire marshal had the castle marked with a two hundred head limit, so not everypony would get their wish. Even so, the castle was crowded enough for Celestia, who spent most of her time standing atop of the stairs in the throne room, nodding thanks to the many guests that had come to her with best wishes and praises.

Occasionally, she got the chance to glance around the room to watch ponies mingle, tables of food slowly empty, and tables full of presents stack higher and higher. She never asked for them - ponies just kept bringing gifts to show appraisal. It was certainly thoughtful of them, but she much preferred seeing their happy faces.

Whenever she was able to look to her right side, she'd exchange smiles with Luna, who had thankfully bothered to stay awake for the event. A great present in and of itself. However, Celestia couldn’t help but feel slightly saddened when her gaze shifted to the empty spot to her left. The spot where Twilight would have been.

Celestia had persuaded her via dragon mail that her most faithful student would be better off sticking with Pinkie Pie’s party than going to another Grand Galloping Gala-esque yawn fest. But as long as her sister was there at her other side, Celestia was more than happy to keep facing the long line of ponies that trailed right up the red carpet to her.

Hours passed before the line was closed down and the crowd was pushed out to the castle gardens where the rest of the party would take place. Luna and Celestia sat atop of the staircase alone, finally; watching as the cleaning crew made their rounds and touched on everything but the tables of presents.

Celestia turned a cheeky grin to her sister. “Looks like we got a little bit of time to ourselves here. Shall we start unwrapping?”

“We?” Luna turned her lifted brow from Celestia to the tables. “But these are your presents.”

“As I told you when you returned to the castle: what’s mine is yours. Even on this day.” She made her way down the steps as she spoke. “Besides, there isn’t any way I’d be able to enjoy these gifts all by myself. Now you take the front half. I’ll take the back half.”

Luna couldn’t help but smile as she followed. “Very well. I just hope my birthday ends up as gifted as this.” Doubt rang clearly within her tone.

“I've learned long ago that days like this aren’t about the gifts. They’re about moments like this, having those you love with you.” She glanced over, catching sight of Luna’s blush and soft smirk. “But, it would be rude to let these gifts go to waste. So let’s get started.”

That said, they both dug in with hoof and horn, tossing tons of wrapping paper aside as they seeked to discover all they were given. Amongst those things on Celestia’s side were…

Paint brushes
A coffee maker
Horn polishing gel
A sack of money
Bags of caramel candies
Scented candles
A set of encyclopedias
Pots and pans
Gold plated horse shoes
A toy train set
Dresses
Action Figures
Pony dolls
Action figurine pony dolls
Jewelry
A jar of jelly
Back to school supplies
A couple snow globes
Tons of fruit cake
An invitation to Pinkie Pie’s party
A piggy bank
A basket of cherries
A pink Celestia doll that talks when the cutie mark is pressed
A boom box
Canned food
Baskets of apples
A World’s Greatest Ruler coffee cup
A portal gun
A sloppily put together crown
A dream catcher
A Dummies Guide to Gift Buying
A football
A Candy Land Game
Rockem Sockem Robots
A pack of bacon
A deck of cards
A Powerpuff Fillies DVD collection set
A peg leg
Three red balloons
A banana juice drink
Some fancy pants
A doll house
A basketball
A bag of phoenix food
A cardboard box
A Tootsie Pop
Curved swords
Decorative pillows
A sandvich
An autographed Wonderbolts poster
An invitation to Pinkie Pie’s party
A free iPod nano
A chocolate mousse moose
Strings for a harp
A large bird cage
A back scratcher
A star constellation chart
A smoke machine and firework set
A case of Pabst Blue Ribbon
A stage mic
A lightsaber
A baseball
Bottle of mane gel
Celestia's beard
A violin
A box of fancy silverware
A clown wig
A tool box
A whoopee cushion filled with cottage cheese
A flugelhorn
A book of evil sorcery
Night vision goggles
A variety of bouquets
A set of ninja throwing stars
A pair of black sunglasses
A free Iron Will motivational DVD
A small scooter
A plastic bag with a doll inside marked ‘Evidence’
A fully custom sun-themed Raven Hollow Body Acoustic guitar
A Celestia based fanfic
A tooth brush
A Brony
A Mare Do Well wallscroll
Toy cars
A Wacky Waving Inflatable Arm-flailing Tube Pony
A few concert tickets
A teacup set
A stack of ‘I’m With Stupid’ shirts
A clay pot filled with rupees
Another nerdy reference
A bottle of glue
Bath soups
A VHS player
An invitation to Pinkie Pie’s party
A mane dryer
Several sticks of deodorant
A shed key
A pack of striped socks
A Cherry Berry White CD
A suit of well-polished armor
A tunnel snake’s jacket
Rope
A crystal heart
A Macintosh computer
Two hoof scrapers
A CMC fan club pass
Sonic the Hedge Trimmer gardening kit
An apple pie
Silk blankets
A pair of scissors
A jazz music mix CD titled ‘So Smooth You Can’t Take It’
A Tickle Me Luna doll
A small stone statue of a chimera
Hats
A slightly used battleaxe
A clock
A Daring Do book set
Free spa passes
A bunny suit
Sparklers
Cupcakes

On Luna’s side, she was almost hit by a large pile of unwrapped presents that fell from the table and created a rather loud and disruptive clatter. Both were rather quick to aid in cleaning up the mess with simple levitation spells.

“Anything good on your side?” asked Celestia, not seeming to pay any mind to the mishap.

“Oh indeed!” Luna beamed. “I found quite a stack of PonyStation 3 games.”

“Odd. I didn’t get any of those on my side.” Celestia spoke cheerfully as the last present was picked from the floor and placed back on the table. She turned her eyes to the gathering in the garden just outside the nearest window. “It seems about time we start showing our faces again around the rest of the party, wouldn’t you say? We can unwrap the rest of these later.”

“Well as much fun as that would be….” Luna let her eyes drift over to the stack of video games as her voice faded.

Celestia chuckled. “Go have your fun. Just make sure to be back before dinner.”

“Really!?” Luna’s voice nearly cracked as she asked with rather childishly excited expression. Having seen Celestia’s nod, she couldn’t help but happily trot by with the fat stack of games floating behind her. “Gramercy oh sweet sister! I shall make haste with the slaying of many zombies in thine honor!” she stated loud and proud before disappearing past the large set of double doors at the end of the red carpet.

With Luna no longer by her side, Celestia left to mingle with the vast crowd of ponies that roamed about the castle gardens. She had seen the gleaming smile of her dearest sister and it had lifted her spirits, making it easier to tackle conversation with even the many posh ponies that swirled about her on a constant basis. They weren’t all terribly bad, but there were always the ones like Prince Blueblood that she wanted to dunk in a punch bowl. Instead, she suppressed those reckless urges, smiled away, and simply took joy in chatting with those that she liked.

An hour and a half passed and it couldn’t have passed fast enough as the conversations began mixing and started to sound the same. But time had finally come to… well, do the same thing. But with plates of food to stuff their maws with as well. Soon enough Luna showed up but with a rather familiar frown on her face.

“You broke another controller, didn’t you?” Celestia began to smile even as she watched Luna huff.

“It was not doing what I commanded of it…”

Celestia did her best to suppress a laugh while shaking her head. “Worry not. I have several more stashed away that you can use after the exchange ceremony. For now, just enjoy a break from your zombie slaying.”

Both turned to the food filled plates placed before them. Celestia shrugged off the low grumble from Luna and stood tall to make the dinner speech. She knew the way she thanked them all for coming yet again was a bit on the sappy side, so she kept it short to let them all get to eating.

At dusk, the two Sisters excused themselves from the table to disappear into the castle. Before long, they reappeared on a balcony overlooking the main garden with trumpets blaring as they readied themselves to complete the transaction from day to night. It was a ceremony the sisters liked to hold on such special occasions that would last about an hour as they would display a grand and magical aura shifting between their combined powers whilst they traded day and night.

“Are you ready?” Celestia looked to Luna.

“Of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Well you did make sure to use the bathroom beforehand this time, right?”

Luna snapped her gaze away with another blush. “The Princess of the Night does not need to be babied.” This, in return, got a joking nudge from Celestia who walked past to the balcony railing. Luna softly shook her head and noted the trace of humor in the question before following up to taller sister’s side. The trumpets continued to play on as the two princesses exchanged affirming nods with Luna softly adding in what she had not said in over a thousand years. “Happy birthday dearest sister.”

Returning a grateful smile that well hid her urge to shed a joyful tear, Celestia nodded, closed her eyes, and turned her focus to the start of their magical display.

In sync with one another, the two sisters lifted their heads high then lit the ceremonial balcony up with radiant auras of mostly oranges and blues. When the two mixed, they created a pillar of light that shot up and disappeared miles into the sky, catching the attention of many from all around Equestria. The light show was grand, but the exchange was slow. The moon gradually slipped its way into view. The sun slowly eased its way further down behind the mountain tops.

But suddenly it stopped.

Many eyes in the garden were directed to Celestia, who had hers wide open as she felt something. Something completely strange to her.

Her body suddenly jolted as she loudly stated against her will, “HIC!!!”

It was a devastating blow that had ponies all over Equestria screaming in terror as they watched the sun blast off into the far reaches of space.

Between the two princesses, there was a long silence and a wide-eyed stare as the sun faded from sight.

“WHAT DID YOU JUST DO!?” Luna nearly shook the whole castle with her Royal Canterlot Voice as she looked between her sister and where the sun had vanished.

Celestia showed the same amount of panic in her shifting eyes. “I-I don’t know! I was just trying to move it and—”

“So where’d it go!?”

Celestia shifted her head left and right with her horn pointing into the darkened sky “I don’t know!”

“What the hay dost thou mean, YOU. DON’T. KNOW!?”

“I can’t find it! I’m serious! Look for yourself if you must!”

Luna grunted and turned her glare to the sky. “Okay then! Let’s see….” She tried to calm her tone and nerves as best as possible as she scanned about. “Oh! There, wait.… No. Not it. Maybe here.” She shifted her head some more. “Aaannnd… nothing.” Luna shook her head and tried hard to keep calm tone. “Okay… okay, okay, OKAY.” She repeated with her eyes shut and her brow wrinkled as she tried to think of a solution. After a long pause of listening to more echoing screams of panicked ponies all around, Luna spoke up. “Mine stupid sister can just make another, right?” The mare looked back hopefully. “Riiight?”

“Well… maybe! It could take a long time and—“

“So do it! Give it a shot before the whole planet freezes to death!”

“Alright, alright!” Celestia waved a hoof to try and get her sister to quiet down so she may concentrate. Celestia exhaled deeply, closed her eyes, placed her focus into the tip of her magic glowing horn, then—

“HIC!”

CRACK!

Not only did more ponies go into shock but Luna herself let out a shrill scream. The two turned their attention to a different direction in the sky. The moon had split into two, leaving Luna at a loss for words while holding a horrified expression.

“Not good,” was all that could quietly slip from Celestia as she watched the two halves of the moon slowly drift apart.

“Thou broke… my moon.” Luna said, her gaze un-shifting from the travesty.

“S-sorry,” Celestia stammered yet again as she tried to comprehend the appalling changes.

Luna slowly turned her sharp eyes on her sister. “That… WAS MY MOON!!!” She continued before Celestia could even respond. “Just because you lost your sun doesn’t mean you can go and break my moon!”

“I wasn’t trying to do anything to your moon!” Her head swung rapidly from side to side as she exclaimed back before speaking softly in hopes of calming her upset sibling. “I was trying to focus on making a new sun and I… just kinda… hiccupped.” Her head lowered shamefully.

“Thou… hiccupped?” Luna’s ears perked up. “That’s what that was!?” She waited for the responding nod. “I’ve never even seen thee sick a day in thine life! Thou-” She paused, clearly finding it rather hard to process what she herself was saying. “Thou art not even supposed to get sick! Thou art immortal!”

“Why do you think I’m so shocked!?” Celestia argued back before pausing abruptly. “Well, I mean on top the whole sun being lost and moon being broken ordeal. I could at least try to fix your moon, if you want.” But before Celestia could close her eyes and focus once more, she was interrupted by Luna putting a hoof up to force her horn down.

“No! No more magic for thee till we figure out what hath brought this chaos upon us!”

“Chaos?” Celestia raised a single brow, trying to catch the other mare’s eye with her head still forced downward.

There was a moment of shared thought between the two before Luna broke the silence with a deep sigh. “Ugh… Did he really break out of his stone entrapment this soon!? I thought Twilight and her friends handled him just a few months ago!”

“They did, but as we’ve seen today, anything is possible.”

“Very well then. Let us go see if his statue still stands.” Letting go of Celestia’s horn, Luna took the lead as they flew from the balcony off into the shattered night sky towards the Canterlot sculpture garden.

A short while after, Canterlot guards filled the throne room that linked to the balcony in search for the Princesses; in search of a reason for the recent lunacy. But when they saw that neither sister was anywhere to be found, they scattered from the room to search the rest of the castle and beyond. Minutes passed before the room was quiet, but for the distant sounds of panicked ponies and howling winds. A soft whirring noise rose from within the castle walls, then fell silent once more.

The sounds of muffled bickering slowly filtered into the dark throne room moments before a male figure pushed through the door. “Great! Just great!” The figure stated in a sarcastic and irritable manner. “We leave this place for - what? A couple days? And we come back to find out that a sun — A SUN! — has been thrown across the universe at untold speeds!”

“I know! You keep saying that!” said a second, female figure that followed, closing the door behind her with a hind hoof. “I get it, okay? It’s really weird.”

“Oh no! Not just weird! It’s— bah! Where are the bloody lights?!” the stallion grunted, shortly breaking away from his ranting to blindly grope about in the darkness. “Well as I was saying, it’s terrible! No! It’s more than terrible. It’s horrendously…! No. That’s not it either. Astronomically! Yes! Astronomically bad! Planets have been devastated! Either burnt to ashes or spun violently from their gravitational pull! Thus, whole civilizations have been destroyed in mere moments by that bright blazing bullet!”

“Okay… you didn’t mention that part. But why are we here in Canterlot? Don’t tell me this is where that sun came from.”

The stallion stamped a hoof down, frustrated from peering into the dark room for so long. “Okay.” He looked to be calling out to the ceiling as if it was taunting him. “We’ll just do this the easy way then!” He pulled out a small device with a green light that shone from the tip at the touch of a button and pointed it upwards. With a few sharp clicks and whirring sounds from it, the lights turned on. Both were able to see again, thus, the stallion happily sighed.

He was a light brown pony with a wavy set of dark brown hair and was dressed to impress with a tux, top hat, and bow tie. “Much better,” he said, referring to the light that filled the room. “Wouldn’t you say Derpy?”

“Better than tripping on everything,” the grey-coated and blond-haired mare shifted her yellow eyes from side to side in perfect sync as she looked over the mass of presents that filled several tables. “But again, Doctor, why are we here?” Derpy asked as she calmly made her way, seemingly oblivious to the planet-freezing importance of the situation.

“Because I was invited to the party. Oh, and the whole missing sun and split moon thing. Did I mention the moon? I don’t think I mentioned the moon.” The Doctor held out his hoof as he scanned about with his noisy device. “But yes! That oversized star was shot straight from here alright. Completely evident not only by the trail of destruction but the obvious lack of sun here and the cracked moon. How the two are related, I have yet to find out. But, I have my suspicions set upon a certain ruler.”

“Don’t tell me you think Celestia is responsible.” Derpy briefly stopped to gaze back at the well-dressed stallion.

“Celestia? Responsible? Maybe. Though I don’t see a reason why she’d do such a thing in the first place. Luna’s, more likely, what with her history of being more than fussy. Could have been one massive tantrum! However, I doubt it was even that. My real bet is something external. Something that could be right here in their home, where they almost always are. The sonic screwdriver is certainly giving some massively strange readings to support that theory. Must be something really powerful to generate this amount of— Hold it! Stop right there!” The Doctor broke off from his rambling as he shouted to Derpy who immediately halted only a few feet away from the present stacked tables.

She looked right back to him in annoyance. “What!? I just wanted to see the presents. I’m not gonna take any, I promise!”

“Good,” he kept the sonic screwdriver pointed at the stack of gifts, its whirring sounds had sharpened up to an almost deafeningly high pitch, “because what we’re looking for is more than likely buried right in there. And since it’s powerful enough to manipulate even alicorn goddesses, it should be properly labeled as VERY dangerous. So I’d step back if I were you.”

“O-okay….” Derpy did just that, watching as the Doctor quickly trotted off to a nearly empty table display for food.

The stallion returned with his screwdriver in his mouth, a steel cooking pot in one hoof, a steel lid in the other, and a sharp look in his eyes as if he was ready for a fight. After taking a few focused breaths, he jumped into the pile of presents, not caring how much of a mess he made. Soon enough after plenty of sprawling about, he crawled out from the mess with something caught in the steel pot as he slipped the sonic screwdriver back into his coat pocket. “Ah-ha! Here’s the pesky bugger!” Holding the casing high, he walked upon his hind quarters right past the confused mare. “To the TARDIS for safe examining!”

“Righto!” The mare perked a smile and followed his trail.

“Wait!” He suddenly stopped.

“What is it now!?”

“There’s something wrong here. Something… not quite right. A thing I’ve been overlooking.” The Doctor quickly spun around to face her then leaned in close to Derpy with his eyes tracing over her from head to hoof.

“Wh-what is it? Is there something on me?” Her ears tilted back as she tried to follow his gaze.

“Your eyes.” He said rather bluntly, looking straight into them. “They’re not all… wibbly-wobbly. In fact, they haven’t crossed once since I last picked you up! They've been nothing but straight and well-focused.”

Derpy let her head dip slightly and sighed heavily before a soft scowl overtook her expression. “It took you that long to notice?" She looked right back up at him. "I've been waiting for you to say something ever since it happened! Does it at least look good for me?”

“Nope.” He responded without a second thought. “Haven’t we talked about this before? You shouldn’t trust eye surgery! Plus, you were perfect just the way you were! Brilliant, even! Why’d you have to go and change that?”

“But I didn’t do anything! Especially not surgery! It just happened on its own! I swear!”

“Nothing ever just happens on its—” His eyes caught sight of the broken moon through a window just behind the grey mare. “Errr… sorry! Sidetracked! Now’s not the time for this talk. First things first! Let’s get this little troublemaker scanned!” Not giving any more room for argument, he high-tailed it out the main door and down several hallways.

Once both were inside the Doctor's time machine, the TARDIS, he went straight for the proper device to unload the captured contents into from the cooking pot. From there it was a few switch flicks and a minute’s wait before the machine’s screen would flicker with loads of recorded data. Derpy just watched from afar as the doctor scrolled through all the text he could.

“Oh yeah. This is it.” His head bobbed. “Our little troublemaker indeed. How could the princesses have overlooked such a thing?“ He paused. “Okay, there were a bunch of presents there so it could have been overlooked rather easily, but still… so careless.”

“What is it?” Derpy stepped closer with a curious expression, trying to peek around him for a better glimpse at the screen.

“This?” The Doctor stepped aside and gave her a clear view of the picture posted on the monitor. “This little bugger here is—”

“My present!”

“Your… what now?” Completely baffled by her interruption, he had to take several looks between her and the flickering screen with pure disbelief.

“Yup! That's my present to Celestia!” She focused well upon the picture with a lifted brow “How could that be the source?”

The Doctor couldn’t help but take several steps and even dropped onto his rump, sighing into his front right hoof.

“Are you okay? Did… did I do something wrong?”

There was another following sigh from him as his hoof didn’t move from his face. He just took a rather long moment of silence to contemplate his next move before suddenly speaking up. “Alright!” He sprang forth with a rather positive and energetic attitude. “I got one idea that could save this world and several others! So, Derpy dear.”

“Yes sir!” She saluted, clearly happy to see him glowing with a smile.

“I need five things from you!” The Doctor grinned at her eager look to help. “Some wood, some nails, black paint, a brush, and…” He paused for dramatic effect.

“Yes?”

“The date you got this gift.”

It was a bright and sunny day in Ponyville as Derpy trotted from shop to shop, her crossed eyes scanning from one potential gift to the next. To her discouragement, each one she either couldn’t afford or didn’t consider good enough to get for the princess’s birthday that was less than a week away. Just when she was ready to give up and ask somepony for help, a seemingly perfect idea crossed her mind, and she smiled. She remembered seeing something that had the perfect shade of color that Celestia just might love. With a hop, a skip, and many wing flaps, she finally found the spot quite a ways from Ponyville.

A lovely patch of flowers just inside the Everfree Forest was just calling out to be picked, wrapped, and shipped off for the princess to open on her special day. Standing near the edge of the gathering, Derpy leaned in to pluck out her very first, but something caught her eye. A large wooden sign with bold black letters painted across it. Focusing her crossed gaze as best she could, she slowly read the message out loud: “Poison. Joke. Flowers... Dangerous. Do not touch.”

The grey mare blinked rapidly as she backed away from the bed of flowers. “Well that’s a shame! Seemed like they’d be such a pretty gift all bundled into a bouquet. They even smell tasty too and I’m starving!” She complained to herself as she patted over her painfully empty stomach. “Oh well!” She shrugged. “Maybe Celestia would like a box of muffins instead!” That said, Derpy turned herself around and happily trotted off back towards Ponyville.

The End.

Author's Note

-Please rate and comment.

-Version 5.0: Many corrections made by hauntu4ever and Raryn.

-If you could send Celestia or even Luna a gift, what would it be? I might add it to the list.