Two Guys' Crimefighting Adventure (in Equestria)

by Alan Smithee

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Random, Human, Twilight Sparkle, Gore, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Dark
Length: 5647

Two detectives (who solve crimes) are summoned to solve a rare murder in Equestria.

Patches and Bill, Private Investigators (License Pending) are asked to use their snooping skills for the good of pony-kind when a murder (something almost unheard of in Equestria) threatens to upset the peaceful town of Ponyville. Since a gig is a gig, the duo agree to solve the crime. But they do things their way, no matter what the locals think of their methods.
Twilight Sparkle will learn no lessons of friendship from these two.

A little background: Patches and Bill are two detective characters who first appeared in one of my earliest written "works", a screenplay I co-wrote in high school with a friend. I've grown quite fond of them, and whenever I find myself in a new location or situation, I try to write a related Patches and Bill story as a sort of right of passage.

Patches and Bill stories tend to be dark and irreverent. They also usually feature innocent or hapless characters getting harshly alienated by the detectives. For this reason, I don't expect an overwhelmingly positive reaction to this fiction. But I feel I have to start somewhere, and this project is one I can get off the ground easily. I guess I shall make it my goal to ensure that my next project is one that will earn general approval from the community.

The one thing I can try to justify this story with is that I have seen relatively few fics where multiple human characters arrive in Equestria together. I am confident that this situation would be radically different from a "lone human" story.

I wish to achieve the following with this fanfiction:
Keep a reasonable amount of focus on the established characters of My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic
Write something that is funny.

Sources of Inspiration:
Sir Arthur Conan Doyle's Sherlock Holmes
The works of Buster Keaton and the Marx Brothers
Twin Peaks
My Little Pony : Friendship is Magic

Please criticize before you praise

Published 2012-12-12 03:40:02 UTC
Last updated 2013-01-20 22:32:44 UTC

Chapter Two: More Awkward Introductions

Patches and Bill sat in the chariot flying through the air, drawn by two stout male ponies flapping their broad, feathered wings. Since there were no reigns on the ponies, the two men sat facing backward, their legs dangling out over the countryside hundreds of feet below. Both were holding on tight.
They watched the city (whose name they forgot to ask) recede away from them, although it never vanished from sight.

“Patches, I’m guessing the ponies sometimes ride in this. Isn’t that weird? Horses pulling horses in carriages?”

“Rickshaw, Bill.”

Bill shut up.

At last, they arrived in Ponyville. They could still see the city, looming in the distance. It was starting to dawn on Patches and Bill that their current situation was in some way unusual. However, they still agreed this wasn’t as strange as the time they found honest to God zombies on a farm in Iowa. Things were really going to hell back home.
They landed in the middle of the town square. Bill was awed by the variety and the colours of all the ponies passing by. A few stared at them.

Patches singled out Twilight Sparkle the moment she started walking toward the chariot.
Before she addressed the two men, she thanked the stallions who brought them for their service. Then she walked around the chariot to meet the true newcomers.

“Hello, gentlemen. My name is Twilight Sparkle, and I have been asked to…”

Patches stood up. Twilight’s head came up to his stomach.

“…uh…to…ensure that the investigation goes smoothly and quickly.”

“I’m Patches. I’m here to make sure the investigation goes”

Bill stood up. The chariot flew away.

“The citizens of Ponyville are counting on you to make the town safe again as soon as possible”

“Well, I don’t know how to make a town feel safe, but I can certainly make a person who has broken the law feel fear”

Patches became briefly lost in some of his fondest memories. He cracked his knuckles and smiled.
Twilight didn’t know how to react to this kind of statement. She turned to the other human. She hoped this one wouldn’t sound so sick-minded.

“Hello, sir. What’s your name?”

“Your body is the most beautiful colour I have ever seen”

Twilight’s jaw, ears and tail dropped.

“…Thank you?”

“Your eyes, too. You have the most beautiful eyes.”

“I’m…I’m flattered. Really. I just…” She started to back away.

“Your voice also. You are a beautiful creature”

Twilight looked to Patches for help.

“Do you want me to get him to stop?”

She stammered something incoherent.

“That usually means yes.”

Patches cupped his hands around Bill’s ear.

“You are the most beautiful…”

“BILL!”, Patches shouted into his cupped hands, “What’s the factorial of negative one?”

Bill seemed to enter a trance.
“The factorial of negative one is negative one times the factorial of negative two is negative two times the factorial of negative three is…” He was staring into space and rocking himself slightly.

“There you go. He’s forgotten all about you. I promise. Just try not to look so cute around him”

Twilight gave Patches a look that was either trying not to look cute, or trying to say “How am I supposed to try not to look cute?”

Patches thought the second interpretation to be rather vain of her.

Twilight thought there was no way to deal with this.

Patches rubbed his hands together.

“All right, let’s get down to business. I want to see the corpse.”

Twilight’s nerves were fraying. She felt herself shake at this remark.

“She’s in Applejack’s barn”

“Good. I could go for a roll in the hay”

"...is negative thirty-five times the factorial of negative thirty-six is..."
Patches slapped the back of Bill's head. Bill stopped.

This chapter is just filler, I know. I felt I needed to publish something before too long.

Next chapter we'll really get the ball rolling. I've done some great brainstorming with the original co-author of the original Patches and Bill screenplay (let's call him Paradox). We got a good chunk of the actual "mystery" part of this mystery story conceived.

I haven't worked with Paradox since high school. I am extremely grateful to him, as he is always a reliable way to overcome the stagnation that often occurs when you are writing something as a hobby. I wish to point out that Paradox is NOT a brony. He's simply interested in writing a good story.

I am also extremely thankful to everyone who has read, rated and commented on this story: Y'all have no idea how much you're doing to bolster my confidence that this My Little Story is worth writing in its entirety.

Now I'll stop writing this note and get to work on the next chapter!

Alan Smithee

Chapter Three: The Story Finally Gets Going

Edited on December 30th due to incorrect characterization

They walked. They asked Twilight questions. They observed the alien town as they passed through.

Twilight made sure that Patches was between herself and Bill.

“Victim’s name?” Patches asked flatly.

“Her name is Amethyst Star. Was. I still can’t believe she’s…”

“Did you know the victim?” he asked, writing the name down in his notebook.

“I did. I went to school with her. I wasn’t close…”

“Victim’s occupation?”

“She was still just a student.” Twilight hadn’t thought about this before. Amethyst was so young.

“Were there any witnesses to the murder?”

Twilight didn’t answer right away. Her eyes were closed and she was breathing heavily.

"What kind of trees are these? They're pretty."

"Bill, remember when I broke your nose for asking stupid questions?"

"Yeah. Why?"

Patches knelt over the violet ex-pony. Twilight stood looking over Patches' shoulder. Bill was trying to figure out how to use straw to staunch the blood from his nose.

Patches lifted Amethyst's head, exposing her neck. He found the cause of death. Twilight had to look away.

At the base of Amethyst's throat was a gaping hole. The skin around the hole appeared scorched. Her expression told of the pain she endured in her final moments. Patches stuck his nose into the hole and breathed deeply. Twilight tried to look again at this moment and almost wretched at what she saw. What he smelled confirmed his suspicion that the burns were caused by some kind of corrosive chemical.

"I'm glad you didn't move her. It'll help us with the forensics. But seriously, why didn't you take her to a doctor?"
"There was smoke coming out of the hole in her neck. We thought it was dangerous. We had no idea what to do. We did call a doctor, but by the time he came she was gone, and since it was a murder I told everypony to leave the scene alone."

bang

Twilight turned quickly to face the noise. Patches gave her credit for not screaming. He'd known women under considerably less emotional stress to jump and scream at sudden noises. He turned to Bill, who was looking at the balloon he'd stepped on. The barn was littered with balloons, ribbons and paper hats.

"When you sent everyone home, did you note who all was at the party?"

"It was Pinkie Pie's party. She'll know who all the guests were"

Patches raised his eyebrows at the strange name. He stood up.

"We won't know what was used to kill her until we do an autopsy. Before that, I'd like to study the state of the barn exactly as it is right now."

Without a word, Patches and Bill went about their job of recording precisely the state of the barn. They were careful not to step on any balloons or even disturb the hoofprints on the straw-covered floor.

Twilight stood still, not wanting to interfere with the two men's work. She regarded their activities with deep fascination.

"Why would somepony do this?"

"There are three causes of murder", Patches replied, "Madness, money or revenge".

"I don't think a sane pony would do this"

"Maybe so, but my guess is that this was a revenge killing. Dangerous, uncommon chemicals. It was done in a public place, but it looks like it was planned ahead of time. And look at her. That was a horrible death she went through. Whoever did this really wanted to see Amethyst suffer."

Twilight was foreign to the idea of bloodlust. Nevertheless, the concept of wanting other than the best for those around her opened up realms of possibilities about how ponies could act towards each other. She was reminded of her first encounter with Zecora.

Bill used his measuring tape to record how far Amethyst was from each of the four walls. He then sneaked up behind Twilight and, starting from the base of her tail, quietly ran the tape along her spine, up her neck and up to the front of her nose. When the tape became visible to her, she quickly glanced around and was shocked at Bill's measuring her without her knowledge.

"What do you think you're doing?"

"I need to know how long a pony is while standing normally."

"You know it's not right to...measure a pony without asking, right?"

"No, it isn't."

"SO WHY DIDN'T YOU ASK?"

"You would've said no if I'd asked" was his excuse. He hastened to the other side of the barn.

Twilight groaned in exasperation.

"Bill, stop bothering the purple pony"

"My name is TWILIGHT SPARKLE!"

"I don't think Bill knows that"

Bill didn't appear to be listening. He was counting the rafters.

Patches examined the doorframe, and found a black spot. He smelled the same chemicals he had smelled on Amethyst.

"Hello, it appears our culprit left rather clumsily"

Out the door the trail continued; there were telltale splotches in the dirt showing exactly where the killer had walked.

The trio stood at the edge of a forest. The trail led into it. Patches and Bill were about to step in when Twilight stopped them.

"Wait. Before you go in, you should know what that is. That's the Everfree forest. It's not natural in there. Trees grow by themselves, and clouds move...by themselves"

Patches and Bill both blinked.

"So what's natural to you, then?"

"Not that!"

"Patches, she's right. There could be dangerous animals in there.
Like Lions. And Tigers. And Bears"

"Shut up."

Patches looked at Twilight

"We're going in. Bill, find the trail."

"Trail's gone"

The splotches had gotten fainter farther from the barn. At the edge of the forest they were invisible.

"Do you know how to track a pony in the woods?" Twilight asked. She was fine entering the forest when she was following the path to Zecora's house, but she was nervous entering the foliage at some random point.

"If we have to. First I'd like to try a different method."

Patches produced from his trenchcoat pocket a pristine white baseball. It was signed by ice hockey legend Bobby Orr, and so had no value so far as Patches could ascertain. He held it to his mouth, whispered "Tibet", and pitched it high into the air, over the trees, deep into the woods.

"Bill, go get it."

"Okay. I will."

Bill darted off into the thick trees. Patches and Twilight followed.

Chapter Four: Named in Honour of Bobby Orr

Patches and Twilight made their way through the thick forest. Bill was nowhere to be seen.
"So...you're a pony."
"I am."
"We have ponies where I'm from too."
"Really?" Twilight's mood lifted at this new tidbit of information, "How do humans and ponies get along? Do you trade? Who controls the Sun and Moon? Who controls the weather?"
Patches answered all these questions at once.
"We domesticated the ponies."
"HUH?"
"Yes. We domesticated them and a few other equine species a few...thousand years ago I think."
"How can you domesticate a species that can think and talk?"
"The ponies where I come from didn't evolve to the same level of intelligence as you. They can't talk."
"Can they use magic?"
"No"
"Interesting. There's some debate over whether language or magic came first. What do ponies do?"
"Beasts of burden, mostly. Generally, they aren't used for food, but they can be when there's nothing left to eat. They also provide by-products for various uses"
"I don't want to talk about this anymore."
Patches stopped.
"Wait a minute. Something's not right. We should have caught up with Bill by now. BILL! WHERE ARE YOU!"
Bill's reply was faint.
"I think I went too far"
"You think, do you? Get back here and look for my baseball. We're not leaving without it"
Twilight wanted to address something with Patches. She wasn't used to ponies with social problems, so she had to ask...
"He's not normal, is he? For a human, I mean."
"Bill? Hell, no. I don't know what's wrong with him. He thinks he's autistic. He's not, though. He just wants attention."
"What does he do? Are you both detectives?"
"I am. Bill couldn't solve a crime if he was the culprit. But I still need him"
"What for?"
"He's got a mind like a steel trap. There's nothing he doesn't know. He just memorizes everything"
Twilight could relate to that.
"BILL!" Patches shouted into Bill's face, for Bill was now standing next to him, "Who won the World Series in 1972?"
"The Cubs did"
"You see? He always has the answer at the front of his mind. I don't think I could ask for a better THE CUBS HAVE NEVER WON THE WORLD SERIES!"
Before Twilight knew what was happening, Patches had Bill by the neck and was strangling him.
"What are you trying to do to me? Make me look bad? I've put people in the chair using your info!"
Bill was trying to push Patches away. Twilight was aghast.
"Patches, Bill, break it up!"
Bill was going limp. Without thinking, Twilight leaped between them and pushed them with her front hooves. They stumbled apart.
"I can't take this anymore! How can you two act like this? You're friends!"
The two men looked at Twilight Sparkle, then at each other, then at Twilight Sparkle.
"...aren't you?"
The two men looked at Twilight Sparkle, then at each other, then at Twilight Sparkle.
"GAH!"
Twilight galloped off the way they came.
Patches and Bill stood, alone in the forest. They looked at each other.
"Are we?"

Next chapter, you will thrill as Twilight Sparkle has a conversation with Applejack, and the author will struggle to write decent pony dialogue.
Don't miss it!

Chapter Five: A Faithful Depiction of Applejack and Twilight Sparkle in Conversation

Twilight Sparkle ran all the way back to Sweet Apple Acres. She slowed to a canter as she wandered the Apple family's property. Running had cleared her head. Her anger - not anger, really, but extreme irritation - with the investigation had subsided a bit.
She found Applejack pulling a cart of turnips.
"Howdy, Twilight. I'm glad to see you here. I hope the investigation's going well"
Twilight sighed, "It's going well enough, I guess"
"What's the matter? We all know you can solve a mystery lickety-split!"
Applejack, being one of the few innocent parties aboard the train the day the Cakes' cake was eaten, still remembered the ordeal with delight.
"Princess Celestia didn't ask me to solve it. She brought in some specialists."
"Specialists?"
"They're from somewhere far away. Someplace where murders happen all the time. You would not believe how rude and insensitive they are! What's more, they're not even friends with each other! How can they get anything done?"
Twilight bucked the air behind her.
Applejack had never seen Twilight jealous of anypony before. She wasn't hiding it well. Applejack draped an arm over her friend.
"Sugarcube, I know you feel mighty sore about the Princess choosing these 'specialists' over you. It's natural. But we're all in this together so long as there's a pony goin' around killing. I don't want my kin nor my friends to be in any danger"
She tightened her grip on Twilight,
"If they can get the pony that has us all scared, then I say we help them in any way we can. They're helping us, after all."
Twilight looked into Applejack's distinctive green eyes, and felt Applejack's reassuring grip. The image of Patches squeezing Bill's neck flashed into her memory. She cringed.
"As for their not bein' friends and all, it sounds like they're from a rough place. Maybe they just don't know how to be friends."
Applejack was right. There was no point being angry at Patches and Bill. They were trying to save lives.
"I guess I could...go back and work on the mystery with them"
"That's a great idea! I'm sure they'd love help from a smart pony like you."
"And I'll teach them the meaning of friendship! Trust me, they need it."
Twilight vanished in a flash of purple.
Applejack didn't think that last part was a very good idea. Maybe these 'specialists' were friends in a way Twilight couldn't see. Applejack couldn't say without meeting them first. In any case, something about them really seemed to bother Twilight.

She continued about her chores, finishing with the turnips and taking her haul to the farmhouse to be sorted by Granny Smith when she woke up. Applejack moved with her usual brisk pace until she came into view of the barn. She stood still for a full minute, staring at her own brightly painted wooden barn, completely frozen with dread. This had been happening all day. She finally found the resolve to move again. She didn't go close to the barn.

Is the chapter title a lie? You decide!

Chapter Six: A Clue and a Kick

Patches watched Bill fumble around the forest, searching for the baseball. It wasn't very interesting, but still the only thing worth watching.
Bill was circling around Patches, his path spiraling outward from where his stationary partner stood.
"Found anything yet, Bill?", Patches asked when Bill had cleared a radius of about twenty feet.
"Nothing yet, sir."
Bill didn't usually call him "sir".
"How about now?"
"Not a thing, sir."
"How about now?"
Bill shouted, "We ain't found shit!", as though he were impersonating a sassy black man.
"And what movie are you quoting this time, Bill?"
"Spaceballs"
"So many nutcases with guns in Texas, and you never got shot for saying something weird."
"Patches! I found the ball! I found the ball!"
Bill arose from the shrubs, triumphantly holding the baseball above his head.
"Pass it here, Bill."
Bill tossed it to Patches with an underhand throw. It fell short, and Patches had to move to it and pick it up off the ground. This he did while showing contempt for his partner's poor throwing ability.
Patches closely examined it, and was crestfallen to see Bobby Orr's signature smudged. It was blurred by a black blot that emitted a foul odour.
Patches' eyes widened. He held his hand up to signal Bill.
"Bill, don't move!", he ordered.
"Okay"
Patches quickly moved to where Bill was, and started to tear at the undergrowth to get a clear look at the forest floor. It was well hidden, but at last he saw it: A brownish, conical object poking out of the dirt, at first glance it might have looked like the canine of some vicious animal.
Patches moved away the loosely packed dirt, exposing the object to be a cone about four inches long. It had a strap attached to the base.
Bill dug at another patch of loose dirt right next to the cone, and uncovered a small brown bag made out of burlap or gunny or hemp or something similar. It too had a strap. It wasn't empty.
They lifted their respective finds, and discovered the two objects to be connected by a tube.
"Bill, give me that bag"
Patches took the bag under his left arm, and with his right hand pointed the cone at a sapling. He squeezed the bag, and a grey liquid came oozing out of the tip of the cone. The sapling was covered in the stuff, and it quickly wilted away as the chemical smouldered and turned black.
Patches was very upset. This was maybe the fifth time the baseball trick had led them to an important clue. He couldn't explain it, and it didn't help his self-confidence to know he'd solved the mystery by random chance. He quickly scoured the ground near where they'd found the device, and found the unmistakeable mark of a horseshoe on the ground. He reached up, grabbed Bill by the shirt, and shoved his face to the prints.
"Bill, if anyone asks, we followed these footprints to the murder weapon."
The two men stood up.
"Who's going to ask?"
They were interrupted by a loud bang and a purple flash.

Twilight Sparkle found Patches and Bill locked in a tight embrace, utter shock on both of their faces. They released each other upon recognizing her.
"Gentlemen, I am sorry for losing my temper with you. I want you to know that I am willing to assist in the investigation in any way possible."
Both men looked at her angrily.
"First way to help us it to not give us heart attacks. Don't ever do that again"
Already Twilight began to feel her new cause was lost. Nevertheless, she soldiered on.
"Any progress?"
"As a matter of fact, yes. We found the murder weapon."
Patches stooped to pick up the device he'd dropped, and showed it to Twilight.
"Now can you tell me what it is?"
Twilight examined the bag and cone. She used her magic to levitate them closer to her. Patches and Bill were both mesmerized by the aura around Twilight's horn as she did this.
The cone in particular looked familiar. It was sharp and had grooves that looked like it had been feathered. She couldn't quite place it.
Patches glanced from Twilight's horn to the cone, and made the connection.
"Wait, I figured it out. It's one of these."
Patches touched his finger to the tip of Twilight's horn.
Twilight too made the connection, and almost panicked at the realization. But she gave the cone another look, and saw that the horn was not smooth or organic. It was fake.
Twilight and Patches had drawn the same conclusion about the device, but Patches beat her to articulating it.
"This is intended to be worn by a pony. The bag was meant to be strapped to the pony's chest like so..."
Patches threw the bag under Twilight, grabbed the straps, and secured it around her midsection so quickly she didn't have time to protest.
"I believe it was attached to the underside, so it wouldn't be so conspicuous. A cape would easily conceal it. Such a disguise would not be unusual at a party, am I right?"
"Don't ever do that again!"
"Do what?"
"Put something on me without asking!"
"Okay, I get it. No promises. So. The killer wore the horn as a disguise, approached the victim, and stabbed her neck with a relatively simple nodding motion. This horn doesn't fit a pony that already has one. I noticed some ponies here do not have horns. The killer doesn't have a horn, modus ponens. We now have a vague description of the culprit and what they were wearing. Excellent. I've practically earned my gold already, and Bill has practically earned his night at the movies, on which I'll take him once I get my gold. Let us return to the barn!"

As the barn came into sight, the trio caught a glimpse of an orange pony walking into it.
"HEY!" Patches screamed.
"HEY!" Bill echoed.
"Who is that? They can't go in there! That's a crime scene! They'll contaminate it!"
"They'll contaminate it!" Bill agreed.
"Bill, go get that pony out of the barn"
"Bill, g-OKAY"
Bill dashed off toward the barn.

Applejack stood in the entrance to her own barn. She'd been in here nearly every day since she'd been old enough to work on the farm. But since yesterday, it had become the most dreaded place in all of Equestria for her.
Applejack gathered her courage. She wasn't going to be licked by some irrational fear.
The stillness of the barn was stifling, the silence all-encompassing. The corpse that lay in the straw was facing her. As her eyes adjusted, Amethyst's eyes became visible. The thought of the dead pony watching her made Applejack's skin crawl. Even worse was thought that somepony she'd let onto her own property had done this. Somepony she'd trusted had done such a horrible thing. Was that pony so trusted that he or she might still be allowed on the farm? Was the killer behind her right now?
Applejack didn't look back. Instead, she took a deep breath, lifted her hoof, and took a single step further into the barn. The straw crunched under her hoof. She waited for nothing to happen.
"HEY!"
Applejack let out a cry and looked back to see a tall, gangly, two-legged Monster standing in the barn door. It was a foot away from her hind legs.
"Get out" it ordered.

Patches saw Bill enter the barn, and what couldn't have been a second later, he came flying out of the barn with astounding velocity.
He tumbled across the hard dirt ground for easily twenty feet before being stopped by an apple tree. The thud of the impact could clearly be heard from where Twilight and Patches stood. Patches thought it had looked like Bill had fallen off a motorcycle.
Patches darted off to where Bill lay limp. Twilight followed. The orange pony emerged from the barn and ran to them.
Patches got to Bill, and checked his body for injuries.
"Bill, speak to me"
Bill moaned weakly.
"Bill, tell me you're all right!" Patches picked up Bill's head and cradled it.
Applejack ran up beside Twilight, who stood by watching Patches and Bill.
"I'm so sorry! I didn't know it was one of your specialists! I didn't mean to buck him so hard! I shouldn't have... I shouldn't have panicked. I was scared. I'm sorry"
Twilight was fascinated by the display of affection from Patches. She had been certain neither man had any concern for the others' well-being.
"Bill..."
Bill managed to look at Patches.
"What's the capital of Denmark?"
"C-C-Copenhagen" Bill said weakly.
"Thank God you're okay" Patches released Bill's head, which collided with the base of the tree.
Twilight sighed.
Patches stood up, and approached Applejack.
"I'm really sorry, mister. I didn't mean to kick him so hard."
"What's your name?"
"Applejack."
"Well, Applejack, I think you've messed Bill up worse than the time he got run over by a Zamboni. Have a cigar. You've earned it."
Patches produced a stogie from his trenchcoat. He offered it to Applejack.
"No thanks"
"Ah, you chew. Suit yourself" said Patches, and lit it up for himself.
"Are you sure he's okay? He looks really hurt." Twilight said aloud. She walked up to Bill and looked into his void face. Bill started coughing. Blood sprayed onto Twilight's face.
"Oh dear" she sputtered while moving herself away from Bill.
"Bill, stop pretending you're hurt. If you can blink, you can walk."
Despite everything, Bill managed to use the tree to stand himself back up. His face was starting to swell.
"Twilight. Where can we get some ice cream?"
"What? Why?"
"Bill's going to need it for his mouth, and you aren't going to be able to eat again for a while after the autopsy."

Author's Note

To anyone who takes offense to the "Nutcases with guns in Texas" remark: I once saw my dad's neighbour firing an empty gun at his dog in the middle of the night. In Texas.

Chapter One: The First Chapter Should Establish the Characters

Chapter One: The First Chapter Should Establish the Characters

Princess Celestia sat on her throne, reading the letter to make sure she knew all the facts. She gathered information from other sources, also. Her expression was grim. At last, she decided on a course of action. Her horn lighted, and two bipeds materialized before her.

One was facing the other, while the other was decidedly not.

“…and that’s why Linux is morally superior to any proprietary operating system”

“Bill, I’d call you a Socialist, but I don't think they're that stupid. What the hell?”

Patches looked around his new environment. Bill had not noticed his own bilocation and was rebuking Patches’ statement.

“It’s not socialism. People do make money off free software. It just isn’t a lot.”

Patches turned to Bill.
“Bill, do you remember where you are?”

“We’re in Houston. Why?”

Bill looked around him and realized that nowhere in Houston could there possibly be a room like this one. The windows were open and the air conditioning wasn’t on.

“Now stop pretending you know everything. Or anything”, Patches said harshly.

Celestia rolled her eyes.

“Where are we, anyway?”, Bill asked.

Patches sniffed the air. “There must be a farm nearby. I'm definitely reminded of a stable. Furthermore, the room has been cleaned in the last few hours, and...meh”. He decided to stop since no one was around to be impressed by his deductive powers. He scanned the room.

Patches finally looked right at Celestia.

“Welcome, Patches and Bill, to Equestria.”

Patches and Bill jumped.

Patches then spoke, “Sorry, lady. I thought you were part of the furniture.”

Bill whispered, “Lady? Are you sure?”

Patches whispered back, “You don’t think it’s a lady? You talk to it”

Bill glanced at Celestia, and then locked his eyes to the floor. “It’s a lady. I can’t talk to it”

“I have brought you here for a reason”

“What reason?”

“I was getting to that”

“Who are you?”

“I was getting to that”

“I thought you were getting to the reason you brought us here”

Celestia decided to use a simpler way to get her point across.

“I HAVE BROUGHT YOU HERE BECAUSE YOU HAVE SKILLS THAT WE SELDOM NEED” she boomed in the Traditional Canterlot voice.

Patches covered his ears, while Bill covered his ears, doubled over, and started singing “I am the very model of a modern major general” as fast as he could.

“I AM PRINCESS CELESTIA, RULER OF EQUESTRIA. WE ARE A PEACEFUL NATION OF PONIES WHO LIVE IN FRIENDSHIP AND HARMONY. WE ARE IN A UNIVERSE SEPARATE FROM YOUR OWN. I HAVE USED MAGIC TO BRING YOU HERE. I KNOW OF YOUR CONSIDERABLE ABILITY IN SOLVING CRIMES. A MURDER HAS BEEN REPORTED IN THE TOWN OF PONYVILLE, AND I TASK YOU WITH ENSURING THAT THE KILLER IS APPREHENDED”

“You’ll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee, You’ll say a better Major-General has never sat a gee, You’ll say a better Major-General has never sat a, sat a gee”, sang Bill.

Princess Celestia decided that was enough. “You may now ask me your questions.”

Patches uncovered his ears. “First of all, where do you get off drowning people out like that? Look at how upset you’ve made Bill. I’ll have to listen to him babble for hours now.”

Celestia spread her wings. She decided she needed to look bigger. The psychological trick worked, and Patches moved on to the next question.

"If you know about Bill and me, why don't you know who the killer is?"

"One small action is harder to notice than two entire lives, especially two as loudly-lived as yours"

Patches accepted the compliment, even if Celestia hadn't actually offered it. He'd figured out by now that this assignment was not optional. He might as well remind himself that he was here because he was so good. Or maybe this was a dream. He saw no reason not to play along.

“How much?”

“For compensation I cannot offer you your peoples’ money. But Equestria is bountiful. I’m sure we can find something that will be of value to you.”

“Gold”, Bill said, standing up straight again. He looked at Celestia and noticed her elegant, flowing, multicolour mane. He was so fascinated he stopped murmuring to himself.

Patches agreed. “Gold. That’s valuable. Will you give us gold?”

“How much?”

Patches turned to Bill. “Good question. How much?”

Bill’s eyes were still locked on Celestia’s mane. “How does your hair work?”

Celestia spread her wings again. A long, awkward silence ensued.

“Can I touch it?”

Patches jabbed his foot into Bill’s calf. Bill’s legs gave out.

Patches turned to Celestia. “Three hundred kilos”

“Very Well. Once you have solved the crime beyond a shadow of a doubt, I shall return you to Houston with your reward”

Bill got himself back up. “Nashville”, he said.

“What?” said Patches.

“Nashville. We were leaving Houston anyway. Let’s go to Nashville.”

“Why the hell would you want to go to Nashville?”

“I’ve never been there”

“You’ve never been to Fargo. Why don’t you want to go to Fargo? No. We’re going to Montreal if we’re going anywhere.”

“No passports. Let’s go to Boston”

“We can’t go to Boston. Chuck Winchester’s after us there remember?”

“How about Seattle?”

“Celestia, we would appreciate it if you’d send us to San Francisco when we’re done here”

The doors opened behind them.

“As you wish. Now go. The guards will take you by carriage to Ponyville. There you will meet my student, Twilight Sparkle. She will fill you in on the details. You can trust her, and anypony she deems trustworthy”

“Anybody” Bill corrected.

“No, Bill. They’re ponies.”

“So? We don’t say ‘anyperson’, do we?”

“Let’s go, Bill.”

Patches grabbed Bill’s ear and walked out of the throne room.

Out of the shadows came Luna, giving her sister a sour look.

“Why?” she asked.