Tales of the Equestrian Mock War

Chapters

Chapter 1: You are a pony now, deal with it!
Chapter 2: You are in the army now, deal with it!
Chapter 4: Your Princess is in another castle, deal with it!
Chapter 5: Just deal with it!
Chapter 3: You are fighting a war now, deal with it!

Chapter 1: You are a pony now, deal with it!

Chapter 1: You are a pony now, deal with it!
Sometimes I wish that my friends could enjoy My Little Pony the way I do, the brony way. I had of course tried to get them hooked on the show. I made them watch the first two Episodes when we were playing board games. On our annual lan party I made a point of watching the series, every time they played COD. I hate COD. But it was all no use. Only one of them liked the show, but not the way I do. The way that makes me draw ponies and make up fan fiction in my free time. (And at work. You can do a lot of writing when you are in a boring three hour meeting.)
The others think me to be a bit crazier than they thought me before. Oh well. They are still my friends and live with me and my silly antics, so that has to count for something.

Not that my friends are boring slobs themselves. We already share a hobby that earns us strange looks by “normal” people. We play fantasy larp. If you are not familiar with it: You run around in the woods dressed as elves, dwarfs, knights and such and hit each other with a padded stick. Then you sit at the campfire and get ridiculously drunk sharing mead and meat. When you are at it you can sing silly songs about other times you got ridiculously drunk sharing mead and meat. It’s great fun!

Enough with the boring introduction. Let me tell you about the days of the great Equestrian Mock War!
It was a cold but clear winter’s day when I met up with my friends to do a day of larping. We met at a log cabin lost somewhere in the wood and farmland between Cologne and Frankfurt. (Did I forget to mention that I’m German?)
I had just changed into my larping gear, wearing a chainmail hauberk and coif, a boffer claymore slung over my back, and met my friends outside, in front of the cabin, when I was interrupted by the strangest thing that ever happened to me.
I heard a voice in my head. Normally that alone is reason for pause and alarm, but it was the voice of the most obnoxious unicorn I knew too.
“You mortal have been chosen for the honor to serve Equestria in the great mock battle against the Griffon Empire. If you accept just say what.” The great and powerful Trixie announced in my head.
Of course I said “what”. Actually I said “Was?” but I think from that point forth there was some magic translation going on. No matter what I said from there on, it came out in pony and I could understand anypony perfectly fine. No matter what language they might use outside of Equestria.
So I said “what?” not as an agreement, but because I didn’t know what was going on. Trixie took it as agreement though and cast her spell. Oh she is a sly one like that.
The world around me began to spin, faster and faster, then it just disappeared and I was floating in a formless empty void. I had lost all feeling of my body at that time. I am not sure I even had one at that moment actually. I think I would have thrown up if I had. I have no idea for how long I traveled the void, for there was no way to tell the time. So a short, long time later, the world began to spin around me again, this time in the different direction.
Then it suddenly stopped and I was in my body once again. I felt dizzy and would have lost my balance and stumbled to the ground. But I found I was standing very stable on four legs. Of course it got ever stranger from there. I bet you know what happened next. Hack! Maybe you were even there.
The world around me was impossible bright and colorful. The bright rays of the sun gently warmed my back, trees had lush green leaves, birds were singing. It was apparently not winter anymore and I was no longer in Kansas. (make that Rheinland Pfalz.)
I shielded my eyes with a hoof to give them some time to adjust to the bright light. If that occurred strange to me, I gave it no heed at the moment. For at that instant a light azure unicorn with an almost white mane walked in front of me. She was wearing a purple coat and a pointed hat, both adorned with golden and silver stars. She was levitating a scroll, quill and ink in front of her and was reading from the scroll, when she stopped before me.
“Recruit eight hundred and ninety five.” she said, addressing me without looking up from her scroll.
“What?” I said still not knowing what was going on.
“Yes, we already went over that.” The unicorn replied annoyed.
“What race do you choose, will it be pegasus, unicorn or earth pony Mr. ...” she asked me, but stopped when she looked at me for the first time. “Never mind, earth pony it is.” She said after taking a glance at me and made a cross on her list.
Without further explanation she moved on. I tried to ask her what was going on, but I was ignored. "But I want to be a pegasus!" I called after her. She paid me not more heed.
As I looked around, I saw that I was not alone. There were rows and rows of ponies standing around me. Unicorns, pegasi and earth ponies, most of them looked as confused as I felt. I had just asked the pony next to me: “What is going on?” when he was interrupted by a gray coated pegasus mare wearing golden armor, before he could answer. Her eyes were misaligned and spinning all over the place. But somehow she managed only to look fiercer because of it.
"All right," she said with a voice that was entirely too adorable for the battle hardened visage she tried to keep, "I won't lie. Last time we held these games, the griffons beat us into the ground so hard we found potatoes. They haven't let us live it down since. But now? Now that all stops, thanks to all of you. I bet you have a lot of questions, and rest assured you will get answers. Eventually. Probably.... Maybe."
"Uh... excuse me." I interrupted her speech and raised a hoof in question. But I didn’t get any.
"What? No time! Follow me, all of you. It's time to get you dressed." She said as she trotted over to me. She looked me up and down. Then she nodded with something that looked like approval.
“I see you are already dressed for the occasion. Come along anyway. No loitering around!” she told me and trotted on.

I took a moment to look down on myself. I was still wearing my chain mail. Under it I sported four legs, covered in golden, yellow, shaggy fur. They ended in hooves of copper brown color. Quickly I looked over my shoulder, only to see that I had the hind side of a pony. It was all covered in mail, from under it pronounced a straight blue tail. My boffer claymore was strapped to my left flank.

I put a hoof to may face to feel if everything was still there. Eyes were still there, of course silly, still had a nose, beard was still the same. “Alright, could be worse.” I said to myself.
You might ask why I did not freak out at that revelation. I can tell you, I was quite surprised. Maybe shocked even. But I’m not the person to freak out over something I have no influence over. I’m far too lazy for that. There is a saying among my friends: “Hast du Scheiße am Schuh, dann hast du Scheiße am Schuh!“ So I just shrugged and decided to go with the flow. I went in line and followed the other ponies to get „dressed“.

Chapter 2: You are in the army now, deal with it!

Chapter 2: You are in the army now, deal with it!
We were let to a war camp at the food of a large fortress, were we got dressed at a field armory. Everyone (or is that everypony now?) received a simple suit of armor. Not the fancy golden stuff you see the Royal Guard or the Officers in. No, this armor was made out of plain old steel. It covered the backside and most of the chest and flanks. It was articulated to allow unhindered movement. It also came with a helmet that covered most of the head. It left the eyes and snout free and had holes for ones ears too. That made me feel up my own chain coif. I was surprised, that it had now holes that my ears were sticking through too. My armor had obviously changed along with my body. Makes sense. I think.
I was already dressed for the occasion as Dizzy had pointed out, but I made a point of getting some plate I could wear over my chain mail. You can never have enough armor. So I got myself the whole deal: torso plate, greaves, helmet. Turned out, that my mail was a good addition to the regular plate armor. The mail covered almost all of the places it left blank. Clad in this much steel, I felt like a walking tank. And I was clapping and clattering with every step I took. But I was happy to have the stuff anyway. Having more equipment gives you options to adjust for any purpose. I like having options.
We received some boffer weapons too. Fairly simple models that looked like an oversized foam club. But they would work for training purpose.
Each earth pony received a large kite shield that was strapped to its right shoulder. It covered about half of my right flank and my right leg. I had no Idea how we were supposed to use it at this point.
Our equipment was completed with saddlebags that contained camping equipment and stuff. Among other things there were two large blankets, a brush, a bowl and a water bottle.

When we had all finished dressing word had spread through the crowd about what our purpose in this world was. Someone (or pony) had asked on of the locals about it and the answer had spread like wildfire. If you are not familiar with the Equestrian Mock War from Equestria Daily, I will explain it for you briefly.

Every four years Equestria and the Griffon Empire go to a mock war to celebrate seven hundred years of peace. The war is fought with boffer weapons, water balloons and such. Due to a large population growth in the Empire, the griffons highly outnumber the equestrian combatants. The ponies suffered a humiliating defeat four years ago. But this year the great and powerful Trixie is helping with the war. She conceived a spell that summoned creatures from another dimension and turned them into ponies to fight in the war.

I was a little puzzled on the last part, so I put the theory I had come up with to the test.
“Favorite pony?” I asked the pegasus right next to me.
“Rainbow Dash.” he said after short consideration and gave me a curious look.
I asked the same question to another pony. “Rarity.” he answered.
That was enough information for a proof by induction. If I were a brony, and the next, as well as the second next pony were bronies, that meant that all of the summoned ponies were bronies. (I know mathematical induction does not work that way, but it was good enough at that time.)
It makes sense if you think about it. Bronies count in the ten thousands, they like ponies and they know a lot about Equestria. If you were to summon someone who had never even heard about My Little Pony, he would surely suffer a nervous break down. As it was, no one looked to shaken by the experience of having been changed to a horse. Most looked quite happy with the situation and there were a lot of discussions going on, you would normally only find in a pony board or brony meeting.

After everypony (alright, I stick with the pony from now on) got dressed, we were led through the camp and pairs of us were assigned to tents. They were small tents, not much more than a white tarpaulin put up in a triangle with two sticks. We Germans call tents like this “Dackelgarage”. This said, there was still enough room for two ponies and their equipment. I had the distant feeling that I would be carrying this tent on my back before the war was over.
“So I have to share this bucking small tent with a big colt like you?” someone called from behind me. I turned around and faced a dark brown earth pony with curly green hair and a well-trimmed mustache of the same color. He was about a head smaller than me and was hardly filling out his armor.
“Eh, looks that way.” I answered and shrugged. But I could see that he was faking his stern look.
“Look on the bright side. When parasprites come at night to eat us, my screaming will give you a fair chance to run before they are done with me!” I joked and put on my best smile. He had to chuckle at that remark.
“Fair enough mate. By the way my name's Richard.” he replied and offered his hoof.
“Sebastian, but everypony calls me Sebbaa.” I told him and shook his hoof.
With the introductions done, I could not help but yawn tired. By now the sun was setting, and it had been a long and strange day.
“I'll hit the feathers.” I explained, but a look inside our tent made me revise that. “Make that hit the hay.”
I lowered my head to the ground and shook it, with that motion, my helmet and coif came off easy enough. There was no way however, I could have taken off the rest of my armor on my own.
“Mind helping me unbuckle the heavy metal?” I asked Richard.
We had helped each other out of our gear soon and crawled into the tent. It was hardly comfortable, but I had worse. My bunk mate didn't seem to mind either. “Night mate.” he said and was snoring softly soon after. I however could not sleep that easily. I laid awake for long hours and watched the moon rise. I had so many thoughts an questions spin in my head. What is the meaning of live? Would I see the Mane Six? Or Princess Luna? What does a pony look like under its tail? When finally the moon rose, my mind stopped buzzing. The sight of Lunas celestial body overtook all other thoughts. Maybe it was because we were far from any city or because the air was so clean, but I had never seen such an beautiful night sky. Or maybe the Equestrian night sky is just that amazing. I fell asleep while stargazing.

I was woken by the loud blast of a trumpet. Or was it a french horn? Never mind, it was way to early! The sun had barely risen above the horizon. I wanted to just roll over and go back to sleep again, but my bunk mate wouldn't let me.
“Come on! This is no holiday camp. We have to get up for the morning muster. Welcome to the army soldier!” he said and poked my flank jokingly. I groaned and rolled to my hooves. Larping can make you forget, that there are drawbacks to being in the army. We might play at war and adventure, but there is now way you will get up early if you have been drinking all night, so we don't do morning muster. Furthermore I am not a morning person. I can get up early, given the proper motivation, but I prefer to sleep at least till ten. Just as well, my stomach growled and delivered some motivation.
“Is there some time for breakfast before the muster?” I asked my mate. He was already outside of the tent and looked around.
“Looks that way. All of the officers are at the mess.” he answered.
I crawled out of the tent and stretched my legs and back. “Alright! Let's get some coffee!” I exclaimed and we trotted of for the mess.
There was already a line for food and someponies were sitting at long wooden tables, munching quietly. There had also formed a crowd of ponies complaining to the cook. I had a fairly good guess what they were complaining about. It was confirmed when me and Richard got our portions. Breakfast consisted of a pile of hay and a bucket of water. I could not help but laugh as I carried it over to a table. My mate followed and looked at me puzzled when he took his place at the other side of the table.
“Whats so funny?” he asked.
I shook my head and stiffed my laughter. “It's this one line from an Asterix comic.” I explained, “the better an army is, the worse is its food. But I had no idea the Equestrian army was this good.! I started giggling again and he just shook his head. Maybe he didn't know Asterix. I have now idea how popular the series is outside of Germany anyway.
When I found my composure again, he was still eying his food and tested it with a hoof.
“Eat your hay, it's good for you!” I advised and had to chuckle again. Then I faced my own meal. I am usually not very reluctant when it comes to try out new food. I like food! But hay was hardly new.
I sniffed at it. It smelled like hay. It looked like hay. The hay! It would probably taste like hay!
“Here goes nothing!” I exclaimed and took a mouth full (or is that muzzle full now?) of the dried grass and started chewing. I had closed my eyes, dreading the horror I was about to inflict to my tongue. But as I chewed on the hay, I opened them again in wonder. This actually didn't taste bad.
Richard looked at me expectantly. “And?” he asked.
“You can eat it.” I answered, muzzle still half full of hay. I swallowed and took a good long drink from the water bucket.
“It is a bit like spaghetti without any sauce. Does not taste bad, but does not taste good either. Just try it.”
I am pretty sure I could not eat hay as a human. I tried it since the war and it was awful. The way I figured it is that along with my body, my tastes had been transformed to that of a pony too. So I could eat hay and grass and daisy sandwich and whatnot. The change in taste did not stop with food though. But I will get to that later.

Richard and I were quickly finishing our breakfast. Good thing the hay came with a whole bucket of water, because that stuff sure is dry! By now the crowd of complainers had reached a critical mass and their bickering was getting on my nerves. I sat up and turned around, anger on my face.
“Stop complaining about the food before you have even tried it!” I shouted. I have a pretty strong voice. That can lead to conflict with your neighbors, when they think your laughing (or snoring) is hindering their sleep. But when you want people (ponies) to listen to you, it has its advantages. Quiet fell over the mess, everyponies eyes were on me. I shot each of them an angry glare.
“I prefer beacon and eggs for breakfast as much as you do.” I told them, “but this is not Kansas any more and you better get used to the cuisine. Or do you see any of us spitting the stuff back out!” I pointed my hoof at everypony sitting at the tables and eating.
“You are a pony now! Deal with it!” I finished my angry speech and sat back down at my table. I took another muzzle full of hay and chewed it irritated.
Turned out the encouragement was what most ponies had needed to get past their prejudices. Most of them tried their hay and settled at the tables for breakfast. Only a hand full (can I use that?) of unteachable complainers remained.
“Let's get dressed and head to the muster mate. Don't want to be late on my first day!” Richard said when we both had finished breakfast. I nodded and we headed back to our tent immediately.

We were training armed combat shortly after the muster. I was wearing my chain mail and coif again. It was heavy enough to get me used wearing armor in combat without slowing me down like my full equipment would have. I will not lie, I could really use the exercise.
We were paired up in twos and general Ditzy Doo was walking along the lines, observing and giving advice wherever she went. My sparring partner was a small earth pony with of tan color with a greenish mane. I am actually pretty big as a human. (1.90 meters if you must know) So I am kinda used to everyone being smaller than me. I did not notice before, but now it struck me, that I must be about Bigmac size. The other pony had taken up his boffer and looked at me a little frightened.
“Oh don't worry, I will pull my swings.” I said before I picked up my own weapon.
Now this was one thing, that always bothered me about earth ponies and pegasi. Missing hands and magic, they had to pick up everything with their muzzle. You saw that one episode where Mr. Cake changed the diapers of his children? Juck!
I have thought about ponies using human weapons and other items for some time. To me it didn't make sense and, if I am honest, it still doesn't. But fact is, they do and somehow it works.
When I took a few practice swings with the boffer in my mouth, it didn't fell as strange as I thought it would. I faced my sparring partner and signaled him that I was ready.
He came at me swinging widely. But he had misjudged his reach and his blow came in short, missing me by an inch. I acted instinctive and hit him on the head. He jumped back and looked just as puzzled as I felt, but was none worse for the wear. (You don't hit people on the head in German larp. But in a duel with another pony, the head just happens to be the prominent hitting zone. I was a bit shocked at my own reaction though.)
His second attack didn't end well for him too. As he came at me, I leaned my head back and he missed again. His swing left him wide open and I slapped him on the back of his head. I tried my best to pull my blows, so it didn't hurt him at all.
“Have you done this before?” he asked me after his third try. I nodded, shook my head, shrugged and put my boffer on the ground so I could speak.
“I am a pretty good fighter with boffer swords. That is, I am with hands. This is strange for me too.” I explained puzzled. He raised an eyebrow and starred at me for a few more seconds. I shrugged, I didn't know what was going on at this point. He finally shrugged too and got his boffer up again. We went swinging at each other for a few more minutes. By now we had attracted the attention of several trainees around us. Some were trying to emulate my stance or the way I swung the weapon. They were not the only onlookers though.
“What seems to be the problem recruit?” the general asked, as she stepped behind my opponent. He jumped up in shock and let his weapon fall from his mouth. It took him a few seconds before could answer the general.
“I can't hit him, no matter what I try. He is just too good general.” he explained.
“Oh? I might want to see that for myself.” Dizzy said and a mischievous smirk appeared on her face. “Recruit, your weapon!” she ordered my opponent and he gladly obeyed. He gave her the boffer and moved out of the way.
This was an unexpected turn of events. The general probably wanted to give me a good bashing to show me that I had yet lot to learn. But I felt happy excitement overcome me as I readied myself for assault. I love fighting and I love to face a good strong opponent. I couldn't stop myself from grinning at the general.
That of course did only stir her on more. “You ready Recruit?” she asked. (I have no Idea how she managed to speak at all with a boffer in her mouth. Practice I guess.)
As soon as I nodded, she charged at me and swung a lightning fast strike at my chin. I stepped back and barely managed to avoid it. I felt the wind of the blow on my face.
She continued to shower me with a hail of strikes from all direction. Somehow I was able to avoid and block all of them, but I was forced further back. But not for long. As I overcame my initial shock, my skills from years of boffer fighting took over. I stopped backing up and started to counterattack after each of her attacks. I had more reach than Dizzy and slowly forced her back.
I still didn't know at that point why I was able to fight with a sword in my mouth, but I think I have figured it out now. It's part of the transformation spell. It did not only transform our bodies and tastes, but our skill too. At least the motoric skills like walking and jumping, or metalworking or in my case sword fighting. Every skill you don't have to think about to use had been transformed. So in my case all of the sword fighting I could do with two hands had been transformed to skills a pony could use with its muzzle. Makes sense if you think about it. We wouldn't been of any use, if we had to learn to walk and talk as ponies before we could fight the griffons.
Me and Dizzy were circling each other, waiting for an opening. Fencing is sometimes described as dancing with swords. And I can see how that works. You have to be constantly on the move to adjust to you opponent. Keep him in your best striking distance, while keeping him out of his. Making him give an opening, while not giving one yourself.
Suddenly the general charged at me at dazzling speed and leaned in for a low swipe to take out my legs. I had been distracted, or simply too slow, but she had closed the gap and underrun my defense before I could react. Jumping up my front legs and rearing on my hind ones, I was able to avoid the blow before it connected. I raised my sword to swing it down on her head when I came back down. But it never came to that.
Dizzy jumped an tackled me in the belly as soon as I had reared on my hind legs. I was wide open and damn she was fast. She used her wings, gained speed with a few strong strokes. I was overwhelmed. I lost balance, took a few more steps back, before her momentum threw me on my back. She landed on my unprotected underside and put her sword point to my throat. I was pinned.
“You have potential, a bit easily distracted though.” she said with an approving smile.
“Well, I have a weakness for pretty mares in armor.” I countered with a smirk. The comment took her back for a second. It was all the time I needed. Using her distraction, I battled her sword from my throat with a quick turn of the head and kicked her off my belly.
“Best three out of five?!” I exclaimed as I rolled and jumped back to my hooves.
The General had been thrown clear of me and a few meters into the air. I didn't know that I had hit her that strong, but then again she was a pegasus. Lucky me she was unharmed and landed graceful a few meters from me.
“Oh I will swipe that stupid grin of your face yet recruit!” she said as she took my challenge, sporting a mischievous smirk herself.
We went at each other again. No one pulled their blows any longer. The battle was raging either way. I had more reach and strength, but she was much faster and agile. I waved a net of boffer around me with my weapon as she dashed at me from every direction. I had to give it my all to keep her form underrunning my defense again.
But I was tiring fast. I had about thirty more seconds before I would run out of breath and she could pummel my stupid, sorry, breathless flank. I had to land a decisive blow fast or suffer humiliating defeat.
She gave me the opportunity herself as she dashed for another thrust at my head. She had overcommitment herself to that attack and was slightly off-balance. I took the opportunity by its mane, blocked her sword and redirected her blow to my right. At the same time I stretched out my right leg and used my left one to push her further into the direction I wanted her. She stumbled over my right leg and I used my leverage to wrestle her to the ground. I pinned her with body and now it was my time to put my boffer to her throat.
I was panting heavily, sweat ran down my face and soaked my beard. I looked at the gray mare expectantly.
“Alright, you win.” she said defiantly when she finally gave in. I grinned in happy triumph and took the boffer from her throat.
“You can go off me now!” she mentioned annoyed, when I did not move at once.
“Oh sorry.” I apologized and quickly got off her and on my legs. I offered her a hoof. She took it and pulled herself up.
After she had composed herself and righted her armor, she took off her helmet and shook out her hair. “You're not a bad fighter. A brilliant fighter actually.” she said with an approving smile.
“I am?” I asked. “Yes I think I am.” I said to myself as realization struck me. I had just defeated the general! And it had been fantastic! Adrenaline was still rushing through my body, my hart pounded, I felt great! A bright glow, that could even been seen from under my chain mail gave me pause. It came from my flank. With an unbelieving face I pulled up my mail with a hoof to reveal my coat underneath. The sight made my heart jump up in joy! There it was, clear against my golden fur stood my very own cutie mark. It showed two swords crossed over an iron shield. I grinned stupidly as I saw this.

Now you might find this curious. A brony, summoned to Equestria for the mock war and he gets a fighting cutie mark? Who writes this shit? I only found out much later why I got this cutie mark too, but I can explain it to you know.
In our world, I don't have a special talent. I have several things I am good at. A lot actually. Science, art, crafting, poker. The list goes on. But I am not brilliant at anything. If I have a special talent, it would be the lack of a special talent.
But in Equestria obviously my specialty was fighting. When later other brownies got their cutie marks too, I came up with a theory. It is again the nature of the spell. It strengths one of our talents that is useful in the mock war. That makes sense, for they didn't have much need for a brilliant poet or sculptor. They needed warriors. So many of us got cutie marks for fighting, flying, sneaking, artillery, repairing armor or cooking.

“Nice flank you got there recruit.” the general commented with a cocky smirk. “What is your name?” I now think she was flirting with me, but I was absolutely oblivious to it at the time.
“Sebastian, but everyone calls me Sebbaa.” I answered truthful. Dizzy only shook her head.
“That wont do. You need a proper warriors name, a pony name!” she announced. I raised my eyebrows. Now here was something that doesn't happen every day.
“How about Prototype.” I offered. It is a pony name I came up with myself back on earth. But the gray mare shook her head again.
“No, that doesn't fit.” she said. She scratched the back of her head with her hoof as she thought for a few seconds.
“How about Shield Wall?” she finally asked. “Yes, I think that will do nicely!” she added with a happy grin.
Now how would I ever refuse Dizzy when she thinks she has a good idea? It would be like stealing her muffins!
“Works for me.” I answered with a shrug.
“Alright, Shield Wall it is!” the general announced for everypony to hear.
“You've got talent Shield Wall. Lets see how well you handle command. I'll give you a lance to lead.” she told me and set her helmet back on her head. “For now, take over and show these raw recruits how to hold a sword!” With that order she took flight and headed for another part of the camp.
I stood there for a few moments to gather myself. Another unexpected event. And I didn't know what she meant with commando of a lance either. Would have to wait and see. For now I had to train some recruits!
Now I can easily show someone how to fight with a sword. That is I can show him how to hold it in his HANDS. But in Equestria I had no idea. The whole fight had just been instinct, reaction. I didn't know what I had been doing. So I closed my eyes for a second and thought about what I had been doing. The fight played out before my inner eye. I could see myself and the general, circling, dashing, avoiding and trading blows. I could imagine it though the eyes of another pony and it almost looked like two ponies dancing. “Alright. I can do this!” I said to myself as I opened my eyes.
“Everypony, gather around me in a half circle!” I ordered the other recruits. They quickly followed suit and did as I told. Everypony was eying me expectantly.
“Now look. This is how you hold a sword!”

Chapter 4: Your Princess is in another castle, deal with it!

Chapter 4: Your Princess is in another castle, deal with it!
I was dragging myself though a muddy ravine, flat on my belly thanking Princess Luna for this new moons night. I could hear talking, laughter and cracking wood from nearby camp-fires. Sometimes the flapping of wings when an enemy patrol passed overhead. Not for the first time this night I asked myself how I had gotten into this mess?!

It must have started right after the first battle. Back in the camp the surviving captains reorganized the troops to fill up their respective lances. A lance is the smallest unit in the Equestrian army. In consists of ten soldiers, lead by a captain. Leading a lance myself I picked two pegasi and two unicorns from the group that had made up the schiltron at the end of the battle. That was against customs. Normally the army was divided into three divisions: The Infantry made up of earth ponies, the artillery made up of unicorns and the air force that consisted of pegasi. There was no intermixing of troops in a single lance. After the last battle however I was convinced that this was either old fashioned or stupid, maybe both. So I defended my choice of troops in front of the other captains.
“Think about it! A mixed troop has way more options to adapt to any situation on the battlefield, especially if it is operating alone in the field. I can have the unicorns force enemy flyers to the ground or strike the enemy from a distance while the earth ponies cover them. I can have pegasi scout ahead and take out enemy sentries, or have them cover our retread with a wall of fog.”
“We don’t have single units out in the field.” pointed out one of the captains. I think his name was Thick Head or something. A murmur went through the crowd, some of the others agreed.
“Well we should have single units out in the field!” protest one of them, stamping the ground with his hoof, raising his voice above the crowd.
He was a grey earth pony stallion with a very short brown mane and a very think neck.
“The beating we got today was a disgrace!” he spat, “I don’t know about you guys, but I am a marine! And marines fight to win!”
He had gotten everypony's attention by now, so he continued in a normal volume.
“It’s obvious that in seven hundred years of peace, the Equestrians have not modernised their army. We are fighting with seven hundred years old gear and seven hundred years old tactics! If you think the generals are more experienced in war than we are, think again. We come from a world that has not known a single year of peace in all of recorded history. We have written books about war, made films about war, our games are war! I bet even the nerdiest geek among us knows more about tactics than any Equestrian. We could turn this war upside down. Mixed unit tactics, guerilla warfare, Blitzkrieg, Panzer tactics, we got it all. And it’s time we put it to use.” He worked himself up into a frantic speech; by the end of it everypony looked at him in wonder.
I stomped my hooves on the ground in applause. “Bravo! That’s the kind of spirit we need!” I cheered. Slowly the others picked up as well soon all of us were applauding.
When it had died down, I raised my voice: “OK, let’s take this to the generals! They will have to agree if all of us tell them!”
We managed to convince the generals one by one. We started with the infantry general Big Macintosh, who just silently nodded in agreement. Then we went to the air force general Ditzy Doo. It took a little bit longer to convince her, but I think that was only because I had so much fun talking to her. That however is another story. We went to the artillery general last, the great and powerful Trixie. It was horrible; I just can’t stand that obnoxious mare. So I tried to keep in the background and let the others handle it. They eventually convinced her by selling our idea as hers. Indeed she became very happy when she became convinced that she had had an idea that could win this war.
From there everything moved on its own and I was hardly involved, so I was surprised and not prepared at all when I and my new favourite marine were summoned into the marshal’s tent.
Princess Luna had a large tent. It was dominated by a huge wooden table, on which were sprawled maps and colourful figures. A simple bed and a trunk stood in the back of the tent. I noticed how spartan it was furnished. It looked like she was taking her role as military leader quite serious.
It was night and a dozen candles gave their flickering light to illuminate the tent. The princess was standing in front of a large brazier whose glowing coals warmth could be felt all the way to the entry. Even inside the tent her dark mane flowed in some astral wind. The stars in her hair shone bright and I think I saw Vega in it.
“Princess, you wanted to see us?” I said after we had entered the tent. She turned to face us.
Up close she was even more intimidating than from a distance. She stood taller than almost anypony, her figure sublime and noble and her snout more pronounced and regal than that of the regular pony. Her very presence sent shivers down my spine and made my fur stand on its end.
But I am proud to say that neither I nor my brother in arms went to our knees. We stood proud and tall and I think that alone impressed the Princess a little. In fact I stood as tall as her and looked her straight in the eyes.
Nothing could have compared to her stare. Her eyes were shining in the dim candlelight and I got the impression I was looking into the endless void of the galaxy. It was like she was seeing right through me, through armour, hide, flesh and bone, right into my very soul. I could not hold her gaze for more than a second; it was a very humbling experience.
“Ah yes. You are the two captains who took it upon themselves to restructure my whole army, aren't you?” She said after she had mustered us, skipping the formal greeting.
“You are both of the summoned are you not?”
I nodded. “Yes your highness. We came here with the first and third wave.”
The summoning had proceeded over five days. The ritual was quite complex and needed a lot of time. On each of the five days in the afternoon it would be finished and another thousand freshly summoned troops would stream into our camp. I was along the first wave, that’s why everything was so confusing. The later waves had it easier, because we were already there to explain what was going on.
The Princess nodded. “So I gather you are introducing some modern tactics from your world on the basis that your species is very warlike, which leads you to think that your know more about it than we do. Is this correct?” She kept up a professional tone, but it was all I could do not to cower before her stare. She was not amused.
“I was more thinking about introducing some two thousand five hundred years old tactics ma’am.” The marine replied, unimpressed by Luna’s show of disdain. She gave him a curious glance, raising an eyebrow.
He cleared his throat and continued to explain.
“There was a famous general in our world by the name of Sun Tzu. He wrote a book describing the principles of warfare. And no matter how much the weapons and tactics of our armies changed since that time his principles still hold true. They are universally applicable to any kind of warfare. For instance, Sun Tzu said: Know your enemy like you know yourself and you will be victorious in every battle. If you don’t know you own strength or that of the enemy, you will loose as often as win. If you know neither yourself nor the enemy, you will succumb in every single battle.”
Luna thought about this, raising her hoof to her chin.
“Hmm, I am intrigued. Tell me more about this.” She exclaimed and went over to the table. She presented it with a wave of her hoof and beckoned us to come closer.
“This is a map of the whole of the war zone. The figures show the strength and position of our own troops as well as known enemy formations.” She explained as we came closer.
I took my time to study the map, trying to analyse the situation best as I could.
The battle zone was a large valley surrounded by high mountain ranges on all sides. There were two big fortresses at either side of the valley, one in the north, one in the south. These were the main strongholds of each side. Furthermore there were four smaller fortresses, spread in a rectangle around the valley. One was close to one side’s stronghold; they were located on small hills and overlooked a wide plain. Two more castles were located at a river that crosses the entire valley about half way from either side; they controlled bridges crossing the river. I gathered from the colour of the figures and flags on the map, that we were only controlling our stronghold and the castle closest to us at the moment, while the griffons controlled the castle closest to theirs and the western river crossing. One castle was apparently untaken by either side.
The western side of the battle zone was dominated by wide forest ranges, while the eastern side was made up of hilly grass and farmland. I got the feeling that this battle zone was created just for the purpose of this mock war. Like someone had made it with the map editor of a strategy game.
Here let me draw it out for you:

While I contemplated the map in silence my fellow brony though aloud.
“Hmm, so I gather we started at about ten thousand troops, half of them new recruits from our world and the enemy’s strength is estimated to be about thirty thousand. And after today’s battle we have only six to seven thousand left while the enemy lost only one thousand troops. We have lost half of our air force and now the enemy is controlling the sky. They hold the river crossing and most of the land between the river and our first outpost.” He murmured, sometimes he would look over to Luna, who would give him a confirming nod.
“Yes, that is the situation. Now tell me, what would you do to turn the tables in our favour?” the Princess of the Night asked, still sceptical about what he could offer.
The marine rubbed his chin with a hoof and looked at the table for long moments deep in thought before he spoke up.
“I would avoid any open battle and draw back to our stronghold and first outpost. The enemy will have to bring in heavy troops and siege engines before he can muster an assault on the castles. In the mean time we send mixed special commando forces into the eastern woods, establishing a line of hidden camps and secure a hidden river crossing. From these camps we can mount hit and run attacks on any troops they try to move through the eastern part. If they don’t we can muster assaults deep into enemy territory. We should focus on hitting their siege equipment and supply lines, thus drawing out the siege on our castles. Sooner or later they will try to get us out of the woods, but we will erect traps, ambush them and then retreat into the thick of the forest. We will make them pay for every step they take till they abandon the forest or manage to burn it to the ground.
In the meantime we hide our remaining air force and use it to produce constant bad weather on the eastern flank. The griffons will have to clean it up before they can move any troops. We will have fast strike teams attack their weather patrols from the cover of the clouds. We will mainly operate at night, enhancing our troop’s vision with magic if we can. This way we hinder the enemy engaging our troops directly. Furthermore we can have unicorn and earth pony troops dig themselves into the hills and bait any griffon troops that give chase to our strike teams into an ambush with artillery and infantry. The griffons will have a hard time getting our troops out of these hills if they don’t have diggers of their own or weapons shy of a neutron bomb.
Each of our lances should have means of direct communication with our headquarters. Maybe the unicorns can come up with some spell, like sending letters through dragon flame or something. Even the air force troops should have at least one unicorn for communications purpose, that way we can gather intelligence much faster. They would have to carry the unicorn around of course, maybe on a chariot or with enchanted hoofs on a cloud.
We keep to hit and run tactics and guerilla warfare till we manage to decimate their troops to our own strength. Than we can mount a sneak attack from the western woods on the river castle and start our assault into their territory from there.” He slowly nodded when he thought about his own plans after explaining them.
“That is just a rough draft of course, and will have to adjust our plans to the enemy’s reaction as we go along. But I think this covers the basics.”
Luna had listened to his plans in silence while her eyes went wider and wider as he went on. She now looked him, her face showing something like respect.
“I see. I don’t think I understand all of your unconventional tactics, but I understand were this is going. You are really good at this aren’t you?” she said, nodding slowly.
“I think I am” exclaimed the marine when it dawned on him what had just done. A bright flash of light came from his flank, as his cutie mark appeared. The three of us looked at it in wonder. It showed two chess figures, the white and black horse to be exact, over crossed swords.
I grinned and put my hoof on his shoulder.
“Looks like you earned your own pony name mate! And I just know what it will be.”
Both of them looked at me expectantly when I made a rhetoric pause.
“Say why don’t we get something to drink and talk more about Art of War’s plans?” I exclaimed with a big toothy grin. It took a second for the marine to get my meaning, but then he smiled widely.
“Heh, Art of War. I could get used to that!”
The Princess agreed. She ordered her orderly to get us some tea and we sat down to discuss plans and tactics in detail. We went on talking about it through all of the night and way past dawn. By the next day many of Art of War’s notions had been put into motion and the griffons didn’t find anypony to attack in the open field. We were ready for round two.

Art of War's plans worked out fantastic. The griffons didn't know what hit them. Sure they laid siege to our first outpost castle, but we hit their supply routes and took out most of their siege equipment and heavy infantry. Before they could counter attack, we vanished into the woods, hills and clouds. When they came after us, they played into our hoofs, for we let them into a wild chase through small paths spiked with traps, split them up and finally baited them into an ambush by our waiting troops. Even after a week the did not manage to bring enough troops and equipment to risk an assault on the castle walls. Things were looking up.

Me and my lance had taken the front most camp in the western woods, well past the separating river. So far we hadn't seen much action, other than taking out a few scouts who ventured to deep into the woods. But that changed when one morning my communications unicorn Spell Savvy came with a scroll to my tent. She had earned her cutie mark back in the base when she came up with our communications spell. It showed some impossible geometric knot whatever, that made my head spin by just looking at it. But its bright green contrasted nicely with the dark blue of her coat. So it was just as much pleasure as pain to look at her well formed flank. (I think I am drifting off.)
“Sir, I just received a priority one message from HQ. You better read this!” she told me when I had just crawled out of my tent. She was nice enough to levitate the scroll in front of me so I could read it more easily.

This is a priority one mission.
The judges came up with a mini game. Each side has given one of their own to act as a captured princess. They get bonus points for successfully freeing her. This apparently means we get a thousand troops restored to the war zone!
Our princess is Red Herring, the white pegasus with the pink mane you said would be a fine diversion. Well you got the right of it, she even got a diversion cutie mark.
Red Herring is being held in the topmost tower of the enemy’s first outpost castle. Apparently the enemy has strengthened his troops in this area in reaction of our latest strikes into their territory. Your lance is the closest to the castle, so it falls to you to lead the rescue mission. I have arranged a new moon with Luna in 36 hours. You should use it and strike in the dark.
This mission is extremely dangerous, but the reward will very well be worth it.
Good luck my friend. -Art of War-

I scratched my beard in deep thought, then went on to scratch all of my mane. I had already come up with five possible plans, all of them not going to work.
“Savvy, contact blue lance and arrange a meeting in two hours at the cleaved oak. We are going to need backup on this one.”

This is a good opportunity to briefly explain Savvy's communication spell. Turned out that the easiest way to do so was via telepathy. Turned out it was even easier if the unicorns knew each other well. So they held some kind of speed dating group or whatever before separating into their specific lances. Don't ask me what they really did, only unicorns were allowed. But it was a great success and now we were able to communicate with almost every other lance. The communication unicorns wrote everything down as soon as it was transmitted to them, so they would not forget anything important.

So we met up with blue lance and came up with a plan. That took the rest of the day and following night because we thought it would be a good idea to discuss plans over a bottle of mead. Or make that a dozen... per pony. I know, I know, that was not very professional, but I happened to be friends with blue lance and it was fun. Anyway we came up with a plan in the end.

And what a stupid plan it had been! As I said in the beginning of the chapter, I was crawling through a dirty mud filled ravine. Me and my lance were only wearing light armour, dark red cloaks and some disgusting face paint. I had opted for my trusted chain mail and coif and covered it with some dark brown cloth. (If you think: “Hey, that chain would have rattled and given away your position!” You have seen to many bad Hollywood movies. Chain mail hardly makes a sound. Unhearable when you wear padding under and cloth over it. You could wear it under you shirt to the office and no one would notice. Now articulated plate or any combination of chain and plate, that is a different matter.)
We were nearly invisible in the pitch blackness of the moonless night. We approached the enemy castle in the cover of said ravine. It led all the way to the castle walls, right through their war camp and from its smell I was pretty sure they used it as a latrine and garbage dump. I can still smell that stink when I close my eyes.
Crawling on our bellies, stopping every time an enemy patrol came to close, holding our breaths, it took us several hours to get all the way to the castle walls. We nearly botched it half way through when a drunk griffon relieved himself into the ravine. He pissed right on Richards hood and I still greatly admire his self discipline, for he just lay there and let it happen.
When we had reached the castle walls, we went over to phase two of our plan. The two pegasi of our group used their wings and climbed the tower, hardly making any sound. We called them Silent Wing and Black Lotus.
Silent Wing had gained his cutie mark just a few days ago when he flew up on an unsuspecting griffin and dispatched him with one quick thrust from his spear. He was just like an owl hunting in the night and I was a little scared of him.
Black Lotus had actually another pony name and her cutie mark showed a happy smiling cloud with a rainbow over it. She was from Equestria, Cloudsdale to be exact. About half our troops where natives, but they only got mixed up with us bronies when we reorganized the troops after the first battle. Black Lotus had a pitch black coat and a blood red mane. Normally she would be the sweetest little flower, always smiling, loved by everypony. But when it came to battle she was as deadly as the strongest poison. This earner her her Mock War Name: Black Lotus. I think I have even forgotten her real name... oh well.

So they gained the castle walls and snuck on the battlements of the highest tower. The rest of us made ready to fight. I unsheathed my claymore and loosened my neck with audible cracking.

A bright flash of light shone from the battlements, it was quickly followed by several others inside the tower and finally with shouts of alarm.
You see we had not been able to get rid of one big loophole in our plan: When we dispatch the guards, they get teleported by the battlefield spell, thus creating a bright flash. So we decided to just wing it after we got to the prisoner.
It didn't even take the two special ops pegasi a minute to get out of the tower with the princess between them. They quickly landed and we ushered them into the middle of our shields. The enemy still held air dominance, that's why we had to sneak the pegasi up to the walls in the first place, that's why it was impossible for them to escape by flying away. We set off in a daring Gallop, following the ravine. The enemy flyers would have a hard time spotting us from above and the natural walls hindered swooping attacks.
Every enemy that was brave enough to try and block our escape learned to fear pony hooves the hard way, as the heavy earth ponies of Panzer lance just galloped over them. Many a griffon vanished in shining light under our hooves.
Still we were under assault from every side as we dashed madly through the muddy waters, our hooves loudly splashing dirt. I had slung my shield over my back and tucked my head between my shoulders when water bombs and foam arrows glanced of my shield and armour. My claymore slashed out at every griffon fool enough to get himself inside its killing range.
We finally made it out of the camp and quickly headed for the forest.
We had lost our pursuers for now, but we were pretty sure they would muster a group for pursuit and catch up with us before we reached the thick of the woods. So we didn't slow down and pressed on as hard as we could.
They caught us only meters before we entered the forest. It rained jelly balloons from above. One earth pony was hit on the head before he could raise his shield, he vanished instantly. We got our shields up and the unicorns returned fire. Their magically guided balloons quickly dispatching two of the closest attackers. We pushed on and made it into the cover of the trees by hairs margin.
That didn't earn us any time to catch our breath though, as the griffons landed and pursued us on claws and paws.
“Keep going! You have to make it to the rendezvous point!” I shouted at my ponies as I let myself fell behind. At this rate the griffons would catch up and possible get a lucky shot on Red Herring. I could not risk that, so I trailed a dozen meters behind to act as a rear guard.

I heard a flapping of wings and felt the impact of something heavy on my shield. A glance over my shoulder told me that a griffon had landed on my back. He raised his Axe to strike at my head, but I bucked and slashed at him with my claymore. He was thrown of and got a hit on his legs, that made him stumble and fall to ground.
But there were more still and I quickly found myself surrounded on three sides. I lunged to my left and crashed into one griffon with my shoulder before he could raise his sword for a strike. The force of my assault threw him of course on he hit a thorn bush. I had to chuckle at his sudden scream of pain. (There is no schadenfreude like Mock War schadenfreude!)
That left two on my heels. I did my best not to let them get in any attacks. I dashed about, jumped over fallen tress and broke through the undergrowth. I pivoted on my hind legs, stroke out with my mighty sword and let my shield flay wide on its straps. They still managed to get a few hits in and I could feel the sting of electricity as they managed to break through my armour. I clenched my teeth and galloped on. The rendezvous point was only a few more dozen meters away, if I could just make it to the clearing!
I felt a shiver in my neck, I glanced over my shoulder just in time to see the two remaining griffons dash at me in unison. I turned hard on my hooves and slashed out with my sword in a wide arc. It hit one griffon flat on his side, the force of the strike send him flying into the trees were he teleported with a flash. The other however got by my defence. His axe hit my left hind leg under the chain mail. A jolt of electricity soared though my leg and it went limb. I was still in the hard turn and my momentum made me fall heavily to ground and roll against a tree trunk. With a crack I heard one or two of my ribs break. Pain shot through my flank, I could only gasp as my breath was driven from my lungs. I lost hold of my sword and collapsed in a heap. Stars were dancing in my vision and it was getting dark at the edges. I clenched my teeth and tried to hold on to consciousness. By now it would probably have been smart to let myself be hit and get teleported out, so somepony could address my wounds. But I am a sore looser. I wanted to at least make the griffon walk home with a limb wing before he got me. I raised my head to look at my attacker, just in time to see him jumping at me in a high arc, his two handed axe raised over his head. I quickly stretched my neck and grabbed for my claymore.

This is a good point to get a bottle of beer. My fingers are kinda cramping from all the writing.
Vanishes from the computer for a moment and comes back with a bottle Spriesling apple wine.
Bad news is, I got no more beer. Oh well, this is good stuff too. Prost!
Proceeds to drink two cups of the sour cool liquid.
Ah, much better!

I think I should explain a thing or two about Equestrian military.

The smallest unit in Equestrian military is a lance. It is made up of ten ponies, lead by a captain.
Ten lances form a banner. It is lead by a colonel and includes one standard bearer.
Ten to fifty banners form a regiment lead by a general.
There are three regiments in the Mock War, the generals being Big Macintosh, Ditzy Doo and Trixie. The three regiments are lead by the marshal, Princess Luna herself.
The Equestrian troops have an original strength of ten thousand ponies. Half of them are transformed bronies from Earth.
As you might have noticed, bronies are mostly males, while ponies in the show are mostly mares. This results in a mare/stallion ratio of about 50/50. Not that this could be important at any point in the story, mind you.

Hope you had fun reading my little story. To be continued...

Chapter 5: Just deal with it!

Chapter 5: Just deal with it!
The griffon descended on me his axe bringing death from above. He had his wings spread wide and small turbulences at their tips made his feathers quiver in the air-stream. He was only lightly armoured, wearing some padded west with dark iron rings fastened on it. He used his tail to balance himself in mid-air, spinning it counter clockwise to adjust his momentum. He was smiling a grim smile, I don’t know how you can smile with a beak, but I could definitely see his teeth. I think a beak with teeth is a strange thing. Do birds have teeth? I would google that when I got back to earth.
I stretched my neck as far as I could. My claymore was lying nearby. It had landed in a pile of brown leaves and twigs and was covered in mud; a line of spit was running from the handle. It didn’t look appetizing at all, but there was not time to be picky. It was nearly out of my reach and my teeth could only close around its pummel. I yanked my head back, ignoring the stinging pain in my side. As I swung around I knew that I was to slow. My eyes widened as I saw the double bladed head of his axe descent onto my face.
A pink and blue blur smashed into the griffon and tackled him into a bush, after a short struggle it vanished in a flash. I heard loud shouting, shrill laughter and the clopping of hooves as blue lance emerged from the woods behind me and madly dashed to engage the other griffons that had pursuit Panzer lance. They sure knew how to make an entrance.

Blue lance was made up of bronies and ponies of Celtic decadence, or Irish, or Scots, or maybe north berserkers, maybe they were just plain mad. They galloped into battle stark naked, their bodies covered with ornamented blue war paint. They yelled and laughed as they cut down their enemies and were cut down themselves. Imagine Pinkie Pie crossed with a Viking berserker, on drugs, and you got blue lance. I loved them to bits!
Mad Dash, the captain of blue lance stopped by my side when she came out of the bush to follow her troops. Mad was a pink earth pony with a bright orange mane that stood in every direction. Her cutie mark was two axes on a pile of sculls. One half of her face was covered in blue paint and I think someone wrote “get a piece of dat!” on her flank. It would have been hard to take her seriously, if she had not held an absurdly big battle axe with a blade on either end in her muzzle. She put it on the floor as she saw me.
“You OK Shield Wall? You don’t look so swell.” She asked, her mad smile replaced with a frown, concern in her voice.
I staggered to my hooves clenching my teeth against the pain.
“I’m OK.” I pressed out. “Don’t let me keep you from having fun!” I put on a fake smile.
“If you say so…” she replied reluctantly and picked up her axe. “Later then!” she mumbled and dashed off into the dark woods, howling and screaming.
With her voice fading in the distance, so did the adrenaline fade from my system. My coat was drenched with sweat, my breath came with a sickening rattle and I was shaking violently. I bowed over to throw up, but nothing would come.
“Horse apples!” I cursed and spat out. I had gone way past my limits and I knew it. I leaned against a tree with my good side and tried to stop my head from spinning.
It couldn’t have been more than a few minutes I stood there before the rest of my lance arrived, but it had felt like hours. Despite my condition I had to smile in relive when they came through the undergrowth and gathered around me.
“You alright mate?” asked Apple Tree, formerly known as Richard and put a hoof on my shoulder.
He had gotten his name when we first came into the forest. He led us through hidden paths I didn’t even see and hid our camp so well we nearly missed it any time we came back. Turned out that his special talent was bush craft, he didn’t have to wait long till he got a cutie mark showing a bonfire. We were still betting on how Bigmac would react when he found out his family had grown another member. I had two bottles of beer on: “Aye-up?!” with a raised eyebrow.
“I think I have broken some ribs.” I replied, my voice strained by pain and exhaustion.
He looked at me for a long moment, his face solemn.
“Shall I send you home? I mean, if you can’t bear the pain.” He finally offered and went for his sword.
“Don’t be silly!” I snapped and pushed him away. Sure, it would have been the smart thing to do, but I get kinda stupid when I have put my mind onto something.
“I’m an big pony, I can take it!” I said with false bravado as I stood up from the tree and limbed into the group of my lance. They all looked at me with concern, yet were expecting me to give them some orders. I looked at each of them, holding a bit longer on Red Herring who was humming a funny melody and lolly gagging the trees.
“We are not out of the woods yet. We still need to deliver the package the HQ.
Spell Savvy, cast a healing spell on my leg and see if you can do anything for my ribs. Do we have healing potions in the camp?”
She nodded quickly. “Yes sir, but we never had to use them for any real wounds. I am not sure if they will work.” she said and began casting her spell. My leg tickled like it had fallen asleep when the feeling returned to my limb.
“Alright, we will have to find out. Apple Tree, lead us back too camp. Panzer lance, from a single row, no chit chat, we are moving up!”

To my relive the healing potions actually worked. Not as good as I would have hoped mind you, but they managed to ease the pain and breathing came much easier. I figured I would have to take it easy for some time though, until my bones were all healed up.
In the morning we were extracted by several sky chariots and flown back to the stronghold under the cover of thick fog.
Back in base camp we were welcomed as heroes. With the rescue of our princess we could restore a thousand of our ponies to the battle zone. The returning troops were eager for a second chance to kick some griffon flank. Many of them came by our tents to promise us to vanquish a dozen or more enemies in our honour.
Panzer lance was reinforced with fresh members and returned to the woods under Apple Trees command. I remained in Headquarters on sick leave till the potions managed to heal up my ribs, so I had a few days to waste. I decided to start by brewing up some more mead.

The first time I had tried my luck at making mead in Equestria was back in training. I figured it would raise the morale. Half of our troops were unpaid volunteers from another world after all. That was when I learned about earth pony magic.
Making mead is as easy as making cupcakes. Just mix honey with water, add some yeast, maybe spit in it and let it stand till it is all fermented.
I put on two barrels each with a different kind of mead. In one barrel I made some medium strong brew about a third part of honey and quarter part of apple juice. That one would be great to drink over one’s thirst. The other was made up of half honey and half water. That would become really strong, thick and sweet liquor. I called it: “Becherknechts Schädelspalter.” Which literally means drunkards skull crusher.
Now I know from Earth experience that it takes about one or two month for the mead to be fully fermented, but not so in Equestria! Because it was me, an earth pony, who began the fermentation, it was ready to be drunk in just two days. And it was fantastic! Best night of all boot camp when I rolled out those two barrels! After that I asked around how that had worked and eventually found some pony who could explain it to me.

So this time, on my sick leave I got some of the cooks to help me and set up two hundred barrels of mead, again half of it Schädelspalter. I planned on rolling the good stuff out on our victory feast after we defeated the griffons. The tides of battle could have turned either way at that point, but sometimes I am incurably optimistic.

Sick leave wasn’t so bad. I missed to be part of the action and the company of my lance mates, but it gave me opportunity to speak to Art of War and Luna so I got a good picture about what was going on and could offer my opinion on further operations. But best of it all was when on my second day in the afternoon one of the generals approached me while I was in the mess.
“Shield Wall, You have a moment?” she asked and I looked up to see into the funny eyes of general Ditzy Doo.
“Of course general, what do you need?” I answered.
“Walk with me if you will.” She said and beckoned me to follow her. I got up and we started to walk from the camp.
We were climbing a small hill overlooking the camp, when I noticed that the general was not in her armour. That detail occurred to me when I was walking behind her, my eyes involuntary drawn to her haunches. Her tail swayed in a sensual way, never quite showing anything, yet enough to make my mind wander. I could feel my face flush.
Now let me make this clear: Back on earth ponies didn't to anything for me, sensually. Clopfics only managed to amuse me, the finest drawn pony porn only made me giggle. So My Little Pony remained my one innocent pleasure, my newly made childhood memory, still untainted by rule 34.
But you might have noticed that this was not the case in Equestria and right there on our way up the hill I found myself fantasising about getting my muzzle on that slim, firm, grey haunches.
“You see anything you like soldier?” the generals voice yanked me out of my fantasy. I looked up to see her looking over her shoulder, a mischievous smirk on her lips. I though: What the hay? Had she planned on this? What’s going on? Why do my ears feel so hot?
I shook my head to clear my thoughts an trotted on to walk beside her.
“Just watching your back general.” I said guileless.
“So I noticed.” she replied with a suggestive look. I found myself blushing all the way to my ears again. What was wrong with me? How could that have come out so wrong? Why was I acting like a teenage colt?
“Eh, I mean, eh, like covering, no I mean, you know, so no griffons can sneak up on your... oh never mind, I am being stupid!” I exclaimed frustrated and bashful. It made her giggle happily.
“Don't sweat it Shield Wall. I kinda set you up on this one. Oh, and please call me Ditzy. We are not on duty after all.”
“We are not?” I asked confused. She just giggled again and trotted ahead.
“Guess we are not.” I said to myself and tried to catch up, but my ribs still kept me from any quick motions.
“Oi Ditzy! Wait up, don't leave your wounded behind!” I called after her. She stopped in her tracks and turned to face me. Her laughter had been replaced by a apologetic cringe, her head lowered slightly, her ears pointing down.
“Oh sorry, I kinda forgot that.” she said when I caught up with her. It made me regret my own words. Way to go and kill the mood Shield Wall!
“Ah, don't be.” I exclaimed and waved it off with my hoof.
“Totally my fault. I make it look easy to gallop with broken rips.” I gave her my best smile. My played bravado managed to make her smile a little too. We walked on side by side, approaching a small orchard at the top of the hill.
“I heard you go hurt while saving the princess.” Ditzy stated, picking up conversation again. I just nodded.
“Why?” she asked, but I only gave her a puzzled look.
“Why do you risk so much for this game? Why do you fight so hard? This is not your war!” she inquired staring at me in distraught.
I shrugged. “To be honest, I haven’t given that a thought.” I admitted, stopped and scratched my beard, giving it a hard thought then and there.
“I think the moment I took up arms to stay beside you Equestrians, I made this my war. And I really want to win this! Even if this is just a game, I don't mind getting a little hurt if it means we come out victorious. That's part of the sport if you ask me.” I explained. Dizzy looked at me her eyes shining. She gave me a kiss on the cheek when I had finished. She giggled a little and walked on, I quickly went to walk beside her.
“What was that for?” I asked, blushing like a foal again and not a little confused.
“That's for caring about our Mock War.” she replied with a smirk.
“Oh?” I muttered and raised my eyebrows, but she just laughed happily.
I cleared my throat and continued with conversation.
“So why are you here? You don't seem to be the fighting type to me.” I inquired, “no offence.”
“None taken,” she replied smiling, then went thoughtful for a few seconds. Have you ever seen Ditzy Doo deep in thought? Her face all serious, her eyes still spinning all over the place. So adorable!
“You know, it's kind of a paid vacation for me.” she finally said.
“I sometimes get very tired of my everyday live. Stressed out by my job, stressed with my children, fed up of everypony thinking me a klutz.” she shook her head.
“Now don't get me wrong. I love my little fillies and I like my job, but sometimes I just have to get away from it all, take a break you know?”
I nodded understanding. I could relate, don't we all need a break from our own lives then and again? Even if everything is great? I think of it like eating your favourite dish every day. Sure it is your favourite dish, but someday you might find yourself wishing for something different, something to spice up your mealtime if only just for a days.
“So why the Mock War?” I asked.
“Oh it's just great!” the grey mare started beaming.
“When I take up my uniform I become general Doo. No longer the clumsy mail mare, but a person of respect, the fastest blade in all of Equestria! My troops salute me and the enemies cower in fear of my name. And then there is the fighting! All the dashing and slashing, dancing on the edge where every mistake can mean your defeat. It always makes me feel so alive. Oh and the feast at the end of the war. Not forget the feast! Best party in all of Equestria!” her explanation was vivid, her eyes shone at the happy memories she had made, she made swashing motions with her head when she told about the fighting, looking all fierce, she started to bounce like the Pinkie Pie when she told me about the party. It was a sight to behold. I couldn't help but smile myself.
“What?” she asked with a raised eyebrow when she caught me just looking at her in happy content.
I shook my head and chuckled when I noticed myself staring.
“Oh sorry, it's just nice to see you talk so passionate about it. You know, I can totally relate.”
One of the great things about larp is that you can just stop being what everyone thinks you to be and take up a different role for a few days. And I think I already wrote about fighting and partying.
We had reached the top of the hill, when I spotted a small patch of flowers along our way. Without thinking about it I went over and picked one of the Marguerites with my teeth and offered it to Dizzy. She hesitated and blushed a little, but then took the flower from my mouth and ate it. Our lips met briefly, the feeling made shivers run down my spine and my eyes shot wide in wonder. I swear that was not what I had in mind! It thought along the lines of: Boy gives Girl a flower, she thanks him and puts it in her hair, or something.
But of course in Equestria, when you don't have hands, my gesture came out totally different.
She just chewed and giggled amused when she saw me blushing to my ears again. I should have done that in front of a mirror one time, must have looked incredibly funny.

We arrived at the orchard and sat down in the shadow of a tree side by side, our flanks touching. I made sure not to have her sit on my bad side with the broken ribs.
For a few moments we just sat there and watched the business back at camp. Ponies walking about, pegasi flying overhead. Some lances drilling in the training yard.
Then I noticed a tasty looking bushel of grass near me. I stretched my neck and tore it from the ground with my teeth. As I sat straight up again, I began chewing on the green leaves. It tasted surprisingly good, it was fresh and juicy.
Ditzy burst out in laughter as she saw me chewing. I gave her an annoyed frown.
“What?” I asked my mouth full. “So you can eat a flower, but when I chew on bushel of grass it is funny?” She stopped for a second, trying to hold it back, looked at my angry face, saw part of the bushel hanging out of my muzzle. She shook, chuckled, put a hoof over her mouth. I raised an eyebrow and she broke out again. I just shook my head and had to chuckle myself. Oh silly ponies, how am I ever to understand your equine customs?

We spend the rest of the day together, just sharing our company. We talked about friends and family, shared anecdotes form the Mock War (or in my case some larps) and generally had a great time. When night fell I became very tired. I would have liked to stay up a bit longer and watch the stars, but mending bones back together took a toll me, I fell asleep were we sat and Ditzy had to wake me up so we could go back to camp. She walked me to my tent.
“Thank you Ditzy. That had been a wonderful day. I had a really good time.” I told her as I turned to her at the flaps of my tent to say goodbye.
She smiled at me warmly.
“Your welcome. I had lot of fun myself!”
There was silence for a moment, as our eyes met. For the first time since I knew her, her pupils stopped spinning and focused on one thing. This thing being myself.
I have learned that you sometimes have to take a leap of faith if you want to get anywhere.
I leaned forward and kissed her gently. Our tongues met briefly, still unsure about the strange new sensation. We held the kiss for a moment, she tasted of storm clouds and strawberries. I apologize if that doesn't make any sense, but sometimes words just don't suffice to describe.
When we separated she blushed slightly and I smiled at her content.
“Good night then.” I said softly and wanted to return to my tent.
But I had not considered the best blade of Equestria in my plans.
Soon as I broke eye contact and turned my head, she jumped me, flung her arm around my neck and drew me into a deep, passionate kiss. My mind went blank, I lost the feeling of time as I drowned in a world of Doo.
Dizzy grinned happily, her eyes half closed when she finally let go of me and looked at my stupid face.
“Night!” she said and took off into the starry sky.
I looked after her for a long moment until she vanished in the darkness.
“Pegasi mares are sure something else.” I murmured to myself, then went into my tent. I couldn’t stop myself from thinking about the grey mare till my exhaustion caught up with me and I fell asleep. I dreamed of flying through a grey stormy sky, chasing a cloud of bubbles.

Three days later I was standing on a wide hill near the enemy stronghold. It was still early in the morning and a thick fog covered our ranks.
I rolled my shoulders to shift the weight of my armour around a little. I was wearing full plate and chain that day and I would very well need it. I turned around to get a glance at my troops. One hundred steel clad ponies were standing in battle formations behind me. Some were nervously prancing on their hooves, eager to charge into battle. My chest swell in pride and a smile crept on my lips. These soldiers had been to jelly hell and back and yet here they stood ready to live and fight another day. I trusted each of them with my hide and I had to suppress tears from watering my eyes so moved was I by the thought that they all trusted me with theirs, trusted me to lead them to victory. I could have laughed and danced myself, but I suppressed any silly antics to set an example for the troops.
I turned around again and tried to make out the enemy stronghold through the fog. We were waiting for a signal, and soon, very soon it would come.

The preparations for this battle had been done in just two days. With the returned of one thousand troops our strength now nearly matched that of the griffons. But what really set us into motion was a report from our intelligence that told about a potential enemy weakness. As the reports suggested the griffons had overcommitted themselves on the siege of our first outpost and their remaining troops were spread thin to react to our constant harassment. If our scouts were right, they had drawn out almost all of their troops from their stronghold, leaving only a few thousand to defend its walls.
“If we can move up our army hidden and fast, they will not have enough time to draw back their troops to defend the stronghold. We conquer the stronghold and by the rules of the game we win the war, simple as that!” Art of War had explained his plan to the Princess and me.
It was a risky gamble however. If we were discovered on the march, the griffons could meet us in the open field. If we were too slow they could attack us from behind while we were laying siege to their castle. If they would attack our own stronghold while we were in the field, they could very well take it themselves. But me and Luna agreed that the reward was very well worth the risk. And as in love, so in war; you can't win if you are afraid to take any chances.
So we set the plan into motion fast as we could. After the success of my rescue mission, I had been promoted to colonel and been given ten lances to lead into battle. Among them were Panzer lance as my personal guard and blue lance for lolz.
We quickly withdrew half of our air force form the eastern flank, while having the remaining troops fight twice as hard as to not alert the enemies of our movements. We force marched our troops through the thick of the western woods at night, around the western river fort and through our hidden crossing, collecting any hidden lances as we went by. We took cover among trees and bad weather at day.
Finally we advanced all of our strength to the enemy stronghold in the cover of night and fog.
Advancing this fast had meant to leave any siege equipment behind. We had no rams, not trebuchets and no ladders to gain the wall. However, we had a plan.

And now we were waiting for this plan to bear fruits. They came in form of a signal flare that was fired from the gatehouse, followed by the aching of metal and wood, when an enormous castle door was opened. Shadow lance, or the Pirateninjasponies as I called them had successfully infiltrated the enemy castle. Those lucky daredevils!

I shot a glance to general Bigmac, giving him a cocky smile. We had a bet going on on whoever raised his flag on the enemies keep first. The looser would have to offer himself as company, or how I worded it “personal slave” to the great and powerful Trixie on the day of the victory feast. Yes, I know that it a very stupid bet and there was no guarantee that it would be either one of us to raise the flag or if Trixie would even take the looser. Obviously we had been drunk when we made that bet. But we were both to proud to step down from it and neither of us was eager too loose this one.
If Bigmac had any concern for the outcome of this bet, he didn't show it. He drew his war-hammer and raised his voice.
“All ponies attack! For Equestria!” he reared on his hind legs and set of in a daring gallop.
His battle-cry was answered by five thousand throats.
“FOR EQUESTRIA!”
We followed his example and charged down the hill. The ground was shaking under our hooves as we dashed into battle. The fog was dissipated by wind made by a thousand wings as our air force went overhead. I got a quick glance at Dizzy, her armour shining in the morning sun, before they clashed with the griffons in the sky.
Bigmac and the main force made haste for the gate where they crashed though the handful of defenders that had dared to stand in the entrance. But as more and more griffons joined the fray, our advance was halt in the first courtyard.
I and my troops however made our way for the eastern wall. This was not part of Art of War's plan. This was my own, the move that would hopefully win me this bet. Not even the generals new about it, for I had kept it among my men so command would not hold me back.
“Airborne lance, to the walls, make the robes ready! Flash lance cover our advance! Blue lance, Panzer lance form up! Just as we planned.” I shouted the orders at my ponies. They were quick to response. Blue lance formed up at the base of the wall where they were awaited by Airborne lance. Under the cover of the unicorns of Flash lance who send volley after volley of water balloons up the walls so that no griffon dared to poke his head over the stones they made ready for the next step. Wearing no armour, the members of Blue lance were light enough to be carried by one or two pegasi. The flying troops grabbed the war painted mad-ponies, carried them up the walls and dropped them at the defenders on the wall. The griffons were taken by surprise when ten blue laughing and screaming maniacs landed amongst them and started slashing and bucking as they went. It took them some time to form ranks and engage the shock troops.
That was enough time for me and the rest of Panzer lance to be flown on the wall. Because we were walking tanks each of us needed four pegasi who dragged us up dangling from ropes. So only two of us could be flown on the wall at once. That took some time and when we were all landed on the walls, almost all of blue lance had been cut down. They had been a pawn sacrifice and they had even known it. But as Mad Dashes formulated it: “That's OK, we are weapons in pony form. Just unsheathe us and point us at the enemy. We don't mind porting as long as we get to buck some griffon flank in the process!”
I arrived just in time to see her overwhelmed by a dozen griffons, even as the spell took her she threw up her axe which cleaved another griffon as it came down again. I saluted her vanishing form and drew my own sword. Her sacrifice would not be in vain.
With the heavy armour on the wall we quickly secured a perimeter where the rest of my troops could land. A few minutes later we had secured the eastern walls.
“Flash lance, secure the wall and give us fire support. Alpha lance cover them. Airborne lance stay low and get ready to get us onto the second wall as soon as we make it there. The rest is with me!”
We charged down the battlements into the fray in the first courtyard where the infantry was still stuck fighting the defenders. Because we were coming form the eastern walls they had to fight on two fronts and were quickly overwhelmed between hammer and anvil.
Time and time again I raised my claymore high above my head and brought it down on griffon shields, heads, wings and limbs. In the thick of the battle there were not tactics or techniques afforded. I just kept hacking at a steady pace and let my armour deflect any glancing blows an enemy might get in.
The castle consisted of two rows of walls, each surrounding a courtyard. We had just entered the first one, but still had to get through the second gate and into the inner courtyard where we could gain access to the keep.
Me and Panzer lance secured a circle around the inner walls where Airborne lance began to lift the remaining troops onto the second wall. Flash lance gave once again cover from the outer walls. When the troops had all been shipped up, it was my turn to get transported last.
I stretched my neck to see Bigmag over the thick of the troops. He was advancing to the gate with his big war-hammer in mouth. He saw me when I was lifted up the side of the walls. That sight made him frown. I just grinned and saluted, sure that victory would be mine.

I was set on the walls and continued down into the second courtyard, where my ponies had already engaged the enemy and had wiped out almost all defenders on the ground. The way to the keep was clear. Well almost clear. A single griffon blocked the steppes to the keep, swinging two double bladed axes and cutting down anypony that dared to come near her. She was wearing the ornamented golden armour of a general and shouted insults and challenges at my soldiers. Already a dozen or more suits of armour lay in a circle around her.
“Come on you wimps! Whoever wants to gain fame by being slaughtered by general Gilda! Who dares to face me?” A half circle had formed before her, my troops were unsure how to proceed.
“I DARE!” my voice hailed over the cacophony of the battle. For a moment everyone present hold on and watched as I approached through a quickly forming alley.
“I am colonel Shield Wall of the Royal Equestrian Infantry. I hereby challenge you to single combat!”
I gave a quick glance to my own soldiers.
“No one interfere, this one is mine!” I ordered as I went into the circle.
Gilda stood on her hind legs and eyed me curious, a smile forming on her face as she recognized my name.
“Oh? So your are the one responsible for all the troops I lost in the western woods. The one who rescued the princess? I thought you'd be a mare.”
I had to snort at that remark and loosens my neck with audible cracks. I couldn’t even come up with a witty response because that insult was so stupid in the first place.
“Less chit chat, more fighting!” I replied between clenched teeth and advanced.
I opened up with a long lower cut at her head, which she easily avoided. She tried to counter with her axes, but her blows came in short and she had to defend when my sword came back down again. She caught it between crossed axe's shafts. Our faces came close as I tried to push down her defence with my weight.
“Oh, you are strong! I like strong stallions!” she pressed forth when our faces nearly met. Having a sword in my mouth I could only reply with incomprehensible muttering.
With a violent yank she redirected my force to her right and jumped clear. I quickly bucked at her to keep her form getting any swings at my blind side. We separated spinning and faced each other once again.
For long moments we circled one another, looking for an opening, then lunged at each other again and traded blurring blows. We were almost on pair in size and strength. I had more reach and heavier armour, she was a bit quicker and had two weapons. Any one of us had yet to gain an advantage.
I had gotten several glancing blows, but my armour had deflected them all. I had however only managed to get in some minor hits with my hooves in as well, none of which seemed to have done any damage. My heart raced, adrenaline pumped through my veins and had to smile despite myself. I just love to fight a good, strong opponent. Yet I could not keep this up forever. I heard how the sounds of battle had picked up behind me again. Bigmac had gained the second courtyard and was on his way. He would yet overtake me and raise his flag if I was stuck here any longer. As Gilda changed her weight on her hind legs I lunged at her bringing my claymore down in a crushing overhead blow, trying to break her guard with overwhelming force. She caught it once again between crossed axes and our weapons locked. I pushed further and raised on my hind legs as she did on hers. I managed to push her back several steps while both of us balanced on two legs. I stuck out with my fore hooves and got a good hit in one of her fore legs. I could feel her guard weakening as it went limb. I pushed further, sure of victory, when a sudden pain in my hind leg make me cry out. I lost balance and was thrown on my back. I rolled over my shoulder away from Gilda and jumped up to my three working hooves. As I faced her again, she stood on her hind legs, one claw hanging useless at her side, the other still holding an axe. With a cocky smirk she showed me her tail. A dagger was strapped to its tip. Oh that cheating...
I didn't quite finish that though because she jumped up using her wings and came down in a mad dive, screaming her war-cry, bringing her axe down in a wide arc. I met her with a bold overhead blow. Both our strikes connected and I could feel the impact on my neck. She crashed into me and we rolled over the dirt floor. She landed on top, her face inches from mine. Gilda still hold that stupid cocky grin when the light took us both.

A bright light, a sensation of heat and weightlessness, then I found myself laying on my back again, this time without any amour and on lush green grass. I rolled onto my once again working hooves and cursed. “Oh that sore loosing, cheating chimera!” I spat being a sore looser myself. Strapping a weapon to your tail? Why hadn't I thought of that! Next time I would knot a bucking flail to it!”
A familiar voice broke me out of my anger.
“Hey hey, look who made it here in time for the party!”
As I turned around I saw the pink figure of Mad Dash, grinning widely and offering me a bottle of bear. I quickly composed myself and returned the smile.
“Well I couldn’t let you drink all of the booze before I even got here.” I replied and took the bottle from her mouth. I emptied it in one draw and belched loudly.
She put a hoof to my shoulder and gestured toward a big festival ground with her head.
“Come one, the others are already waiting. They are all eager for a chance to return the favour, if you know what I mean.”
I chuckled at that remark, but I had to let them waiting a bit longer.
“Will get around to that later. You know where the griffons arrive? I have a chicken to pluck.”
“I guess they arrive at the other side of the camp. Dunno, there are lots of them on the faire you could ask though.”
I nodded.
“Thanks, see you later then!” I said and trotted off.

I crossed all of the festival grounds. Lots of familiar faces greeted me, some allies, some former enemies. Now they were all having a party together. This was a celebration of peace after all! There was food and booze, music and dancing, fun and games. I was looking for none of that at the moment, not exactly however.
I found Gilda at a long table at the other side of the camp. She was laughing and joking with some of her comrades who had arrived before her. They fell silent however when I came up to them, rolling a barrel in front of me.
I put up the barrel as I arrived and came face to face with the griffon general.
“You, me, drinking, this barrel, now!” I said with a stern voice, my face showing what I hoped was anger and knocked the barrel with my hooves to underline my point.
She raised an eyebrow and looked at me curious, then at the barrel. Slowly a grin spread on her face as she realised what I had come for.
“Ha, and here I thought you are sore looser!” she exclaimed and slapped me on the back.
“I am!” I replied and whipped her with my tail.
“Now less talking and more drinking! There is enough for all.”
We were having a silly drinking contest soon.
For all their fighting prowess and bravado, griffons are real lightweights when it comes to drinking. Or maybe my earth pony physique could take a lot more than I thought. Either way I had all of the griffons haplessly drunk after a few rounds. Have to say they were quite the entertaining bunch to be with when they were not trying to slap you in the face!
Me and Gilda shared some stories from the war. Turned out that she was in charge of the western front. She had been frustrated to no end by our guerilla tactics. Her scouts vanishing, her retaliation musters coming back beaten and with half their numbers. It was amusing to tell her, how we had always been one step ahead of her.
After an hour or two Gilda and most of her friends had collapsed on or under the table, either asleep or unable to sit any more. I shook my head and went off to get some food and then find blue lance. I was sure those crazy horses could match my thirst better than the griffons had.
I have to admit, that I was pretty drunk at that point myself. But having a bit of experience with drinking, I took it easy on the alcohol from there on and first got something to eat.

Oh we had great food! Some of our fellow brony cooks had found potatoes and showed those Equestrians how to make some proper fries. We had French fries, potato chips, country potatoes and potato fritters. There were large amounts of candy cotton, apple snacks, cupcakes and other traditional Equestrian treats. I however like something greasy and salty to my beer, so I settled for French fries and some peanuts.
I found blue lance sitting around a fire. Somewhere they had found some drums, so some of them were drumming heavy beats, while the rest of them danced. They stopped when I arrived however, because each and everypony of them wanted to slap me on the shoulder or punch me in the ribs or kiss me and then share a drink with me in “honour of the dirty bastard who had gotten them to the part in time.” My head was spinning by the time they were done and I joined them in their dancing. I never dance unless I am completely wasted. So you can imagine how I made a foal of myself and had a really good time.

At some point while I was doing that, the judges proclaimed the Equestrian victory and a loud cheering went through the crowd. I however only learned about that later, because I was to occupied with drinking and dancing at the moment. That was not a first for me. Two times before have I missed the final battle and victory on a big lap, because I was drinking with the northmen.
The next hours went by in a haze. All of the Equestrian and Griffon forces were teleported to the festival ground bit by bit and the party was soon swelling to a roaring madness when some twenty thousand creatures celebrated their seven hundred years old friendship.
I found myself shaking hoofs with several other colonels and all of my captains. Me and my mates promised to befriend each other on FB when we made it back home.
“We should go together to Waken sometime or something!” I said to my old bunkmate Apple Tree.
At one point I met the marshal and she thanked me for my contribution to her victory. I saluted, swaying on my hooves.
“It was my honour your majesty. If you ever find yourself in need of trans-dimensional help again, you can call on me any time!” I said slurring my speech. She hid a chuckle with her hoof and gave me a mysterious smile.
“Thank you for the offer Shield Wall. That might happen sooner than you might think.”
With that remark she left and I made a stupid face trying to decipher her meaning.
By dusk I had sobered up a little. I was still on the happy high of drunkenness, but I didn't sway anymore and didn't slur my speech. That was when I spotted Trixie. My eyes went wide in terror as I saw her. I had totally forgotten about my bet with Bigmac. To my great surprise however, the big red stallion was following the blue mares hoofsteps. I went over to him when Trixie stopped by some of her admirer to write autographs.
“Why are you trailing that unicorn like a good little puppy?” I asked as we met. He rolled his eyes as he saw me and shook his head.
“Because of our bet. You won by the way.” he spat annoyed. My eyes went wide at that revelation.
“What? How?” I asked confused. He rolled his eyes again.
“Apparently a certain pegasus mare learned about our bet and took it up on herself to make you the winner. She swooped down, took the banner from your cold dead remains and continued to the top of the keep. I heard she defeated a dozen or more enemy on the way, the enemy marshal among them.” he explained and my eyes went wider and wider till the threatened to pop out.
He put a hoof on my shoulder.
“I don't know if I should envy you or fear for your safety.” he admitted shaking his head.
“Macintosh! Come on, I got places to be!” Trixie called from further away.
“Yes Trixie, I'm coming.” replied Bigmac.
“What was that?” asked the light blue mare. Macintosh rolled his eyes again.
“Yes oh great an powerful Trixie, I'm coming.”
“That's better!”
He turned to me once again before he trotted after her.
“Take care buddy.” he said, then he was off.
I looked after him and didn't know if I should feel sorry for the big red guy or not. So he had to jump at every whim of that obnoxious unicorn, but I couldn’t help thinking that they made a cute couple.

Dizzy found me shortly after when I was once again sitting at blue lance's fire. They had recruited several griffons and smeared them with their blue paint and their party was now on overdrive. I kept a little to the side, watching the spectacle content with just sitting there and catching some rest.
She looked smashing. She had combed her mane, her coat was shining in the light of the fire and she had put a Margaret flower in her hair. It matched lovely with the colour of her eyes.
“I am looking for some sorry foal who lost his flank in a bet and is now doomed to serve as a personal slave.” she said loudly when she came to the fireplace. It made the crowd roar. I swallowed and gathered myself up.
“I happen to be that sorry foal.” I said in a soft voice, smiling happily when I came up to and looked down on her. She drew me down into an eager kiss that made the crowd around as cheer and whistle.
I blushed.
“I'm happy to see you too, you look stunning by the way, but there is a crowd watching us.”
She rubbed her cheek against mine and whispered into my ear.
“You know what they say? What happens in the Mock War, stays in the Mock War.”
“What?” I asked confused.
She let go of me and started walking off, giving me a suggestive smile.
“Oh” I exclaimed when I made the connection to the Las Vegas saying.-
I watched her going, her hips swaying sensual, her tail swinging seductively from side to side.
“OH!” I exclaimed as it hit me what she had been implying.
“Come on now, don't let your mistress wait!” shouted Mad Dash and whipped me across the haunches. I jumped and set of to follow Dizzy. As a took a glance back I saw everyone laughing and toasting in my direction.
I leave the rest of the night to your imagination. This is not a clopfic after all. Just let me say it was the best night ever! If you wonder why I didn't freak out or anything, I have to answer that I don't really know. I blame the alcohol and the transformation spell. And of course I am to lazy to freak out and just go with the flow, as I wrote back in chapter one.

I woke up the following day to a familiar snoring and the feeling of someone’s head laying on my stomach. I opened my eyes and blinked a few times. To my big surprise I found myself laying under the table of a familiar log cabin in Rheinland Pfalz, my good friend Björn resting his head on my stomach.
I shook my head to clear out the nausea. As I looked around I saw the remains of a party. Empty beer and mead bottles lay scattered everywhere, benches were thrown over, several other people slept on or under the tables.
I though: “Wow, must have been a great party!” And proceeded to push Björn down form my body. His head hit the floor with a thumb, but he continued snoring as if nothing had happened. I gathered myself up and left he cabin to take a leak.

I had the whole Mock War Episode rationalised as some form of crazy drug induced dream or something. But when I went on FB a day later, I was beyond surprise to find the following message.

Hi, I had the weirdest dream last night in which you were a pony and asked me to add you on FB. If you don't know what I am writing about, just ignore this. -Richard-

This concludes “Tails of the Equestrian Mock War”. This last chapter took me some time to finish and my personal war continued well past the Artists Training Ground on Equestria Daily.
I hope you had as much fun reading this as I had writing it.
As I wrote on my blog, this is just a side project I did for the hack of it while working on the concept of my upcoming fic “Journey to the end of the sky”. Follow me for any news on that.
If you liked this story, please rate and post a comment below. You also might want to check out my previous story “Heart of the storm”. I think it is much better than this one!
Thanks for reading. Have a nice day.

Chapter 3: You are fighting a war now, deal with it!

Since I already drew ponies in a duel for my day two submission, I decided to write another chapter on this story instead. Hope you don't mind. ;)

Chapter 3: You are fighting a war now, deal with it!
“Yo, dweeb! Hurry up and take your beating like a good little pony, I've got places to be!"
Some overconfident griffon had landed right in front of me and drawn a pair of daggers with his claws. His mistake, I was pissed beyond belief and had just waited for one of them flying chicken to get in reach of my sword. I reared on my hind legs and raised my claymore, then came down in a crushing overhead blow. The griffon had not expected this response, instead of dodging he just managed to raise his daggers in defense. The one and a half meter foam and glass fiber of my blade crushed though his weapons like the toys they were and took out both of his fore legs. He stumbled and fell to the ground, unable to lift his body anymore.
“Go on then, I won't keep you!” I snarled between clenched teeth and brought my sword down on his head. A bright light flashed as the battlefield spell considered him dead and teleported his body away, leaving his gear behind.

At this point I think I should explain what I mean with battlefield spell. If you are not interested in the technical details of the Mock War, just skip this paragraph.
The Mock War is not only a game to celebrate seven hundred years of piece, but also the only military maneuver of Equestria. Yea, seven hundred years of piece can do that to a country. I think it's cool. Now because this is the only battle experience their troops are gonna get, the ponies took some effort to get the most out of it.
Every piece of our gear had been enchanted, from our weapons and armor, down to our very bodies. It was all done so it would simulate wounds infected by weapons without actually wounding anypony. If you hit someone with your sword and the blow would have penetrated the armor if it had been a real weapon or you hit an exposed spot, then the spell would simulate a wound. It was not as bad as it sounds. When you got hit you felt an electric shock just strong enough to be painful. Then the hit body-part would go limb. If the blow would have killed you, the spell teleported you outside of the battle-zone, leaving your gear behind. If you were just wounded the effect was very annoying and could lead to some real mishaps, for instance if you got hit in the leg while galloping. Thankfully ponies are very resilient, so nopony got really hurt. The wound spell would fade if you made it to the sick bay and a unicorn cast the correct healing spell or used the right potion on you.
Furthermore there were spells to prevent injuries by other means. There was one spell on my hooves that allowed me to buck the shit out of a griffon and send it flying high up in the sky without hurting it. I liked that one a lot! Another one prevented injuries from falling one something or something falling one you. This one saved the lives of hundreds of pegasi when they fell out of the sky on the first battle because they got hit on their wings. This spell basically declared you dead to the battlefield spell and you were teleported to safety.

Back to the battlefield! Things were looking dire. Our formation had been broken, everywhere lay wounded ponies or the remains of their equipment. The ground was drenched in jelly and whipped cream. I could not shed the feeling, that the griffons were mocking us with this use of slapstick weaponry. (Then again it is called the mock war. We were using tennis balls and water ballons though.) Every order of battle had been lost and it had deteriorated to one on one fights and local skirmishes. I shook my head to clear it and form some kind of plan. How had everything gotten so out of hoof?

It had started so well!
Our training had lasted for about a week and I was astonished by my own progress and that of my fellow earth ponies. I had gotten in shape faster than I could ever think was possible. I was far from ripped and packed with muscles at the end of the training, but I had toughed up. Marching all day long in armor and with stones in the backpack? No problem! Galloping ten miles in full plate? Child’s play! I figured later that it had something to do with earth pony magic.
Let me give you are short excuse on earth pony magic. Everything an earth pony does with its body, everything that it makes with its hooves is enhanced by magic. Plant will grow faster if we water them, not because of the water, but because it was us earth ponies who did it. Food will taste better, steel will be stronger. Most earth ponies are not even aware of this. They just do it unconsciously.
So I figured that we were working this magic on our own bodies through the act of training.
Sure the drill had some effect on the pegasi and unicorns as well. The pegasi mastered flight in amazing short time and the unicorns learned many an impressive spell, but only on the earth ponies was the effect visible. I am proud to say that we earth ponies didn't need airbrush for our 300 six-pack. (not that ponies got a six-pack.) Even Richard filled out his armor by the end of training!

On the morning of the first day of battle, Princess Celestia, the Griffon High King and an ancient dragon held a short speech. They introduced themselves as the games judges, overlooking the rules of the war and maintaining the battlefield spells. They reminded us to play hard but fair an keep in mind that this was a game to celebrate the friendship between the two nations. The three would not be involved in any of the fighting.

That left Princess Luna as our factions military leader, our marshall. Oh how glorious she looked in her shining silver armor when she spoke to the troops! I will never forget the sight of her blowing night sky mane or the majesty in her Royal Canterlot Voice.
I always imagined myself to be a pretty bold guy, that I would stand up and look into a Kings eyes like an equal. But when the princesses spoke, everypony went to its knees, me included. They just had this aura of power about them. You could fell it in your bones that you were not looking upon mortals, but goddesses.
But I swear it was only this one time! Every other one I kept my composure and remained on my hooves. How could I ever have expected Luna to take me seriously if I cowered before her in the dirt? (oh... spoilers. Never mind.)

I don't remember the speech itself very well, but I know that it had been very inspiring! When we stood in formation before the first battle, rows and rows of ponies in shining armor, my chest swelled with pride and I was confident that we would be victorious.
Oh how wrong I had been!

We were standing in tight formation when the first jelly bombs hit us. I first thought that this was the enemy artillery, but I was wrong! I looked up when the first fell pegasi from the sky and vanished in bright flashes. High above us the battle had already begun. The griffons were taking out our air forces while high altitude bombing our ground troops. The first griffons dived into our unicorn artillery in the back. Finally they descended upon us front row troops. They struck us form above and behind. Four of the ponies around me were taken out by plates of whipped cream to the back.
“Take cover!” I yelled and pulled my shield overhead. Many followed my example, but it did us little good. The ranks wavered, ponies were running around, while all the while bombs dropped all around us and griffins came down for swooping attacks. I think it was my armor and the fact that I remained calm that saved my hide on the initial onslaught. Plate upon chain mail and the experience of countless larp battles had its advantages.

As I said, the battle had deteriorated to one on one combat and skirmishes when I took out that one griffon. By know they had become bold enough to face us on the ground and the battle was raging all around me, ponies were falling left and right. I shook out of my stupor and decided to to something, anything! General Dizzy hadn't made me captain so I could watch my ponies get beaten right in front of me!
I rested my sword on the ground, holding the handle in mouths reach on my front hoof.
“Panzer Lance! Gather round me, Shiltron formation!” I shouted over the cacophony of the battle. But nopony headed my call. They were all tangled up in single combat.
“Horse-apples!” I cursed and took my claymore back in my teeth. I proceed to gather my ponies one by one by smashing their opponents with a blow from their blind side and dragging them along. I had soon gathered them all. Only six of the original ten of my Lance were still in the game. Their heavy armor had protected them well enough. We didn't call ourselves Panzer Lance for nothing!
“Shiltron formation! Just like we practiced, now!” I yelled once again and this time they hastened to form a circle with me in the middle, their weapons pointing outwards in every direction.
If you wonder, a Shiltron is a formation used by the Scottish during the Scottish war of independence in the late thirteens century. It works very much like a hedgehog and is able to fight in any direction.
Now normally a Schiltron of six ponies can't do much on a battlefield. But as I said before, the battle had deteriorated to skirmishes and single combat. So wherever we went, we were a crushing six to one superiority. We swatted griffons left and right, either taking them out or forcing their retreat. Every pony we saved this way was ushered into our formation and integrated in our circle, not matter if earth pony, pegasi or unicorn. By the end of the battle we had assembled two dozen mixed troops in our formation. Unicorns shot their water balloons from our protected middle, pegasi circled overhead, shielding us from above and forcing griffons in reach of our swords. This way we took out more griffons than I could count. It was glorious!
The battle ended when a horn sounded and the griffons turned back. Me and my fellow ponies roared in triumph! But the reality was much different. We had lost about third of our troops that day. For every griffon defeated there were lying four suits of pony armor.
I spat onto the ground and stomped in anger when I realized this! I swore on my blue beard and Celestias flowing mane, that we would get them the next time! And I had just the idea how we might pull that off.