Kinky Sex Disasters

by Gabriel LaVedier

Rating: mature
Tags: Fancypants, Sex, Random, Fleur de Lis, Main 6, Romance, Princess Luna, Original Character, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Comedy
Length: 12038

Sometimes, ponies AREN'T expert perverts. Then this happens.

It's all fun and games until somepony mucks up an attempt at being a kinky little thing. Then it's entertainment.

I never really got the drive to assume that certain ponies, because of shyness or sophistication or wealth, were fully trained and professional experts at all manner of kinky sex. Sometimes folks just have no clue. That's more entertaining and less likely to scar the mind.

So here we have a fine selection of absolute disasters, ponies out of their element trying to do the implausible.

Enjoy!

Published 2012-12-12 22:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2013-02-06 18:12:46 UTC

Fancy de Lis: BDSM

Late at night, at Fancy Pants' home in the first terrace at Canterlot, Fancy and Fleur de Lis were engaged in a serious conversation, both looking completely flustered, and bearing tremendous blushes which they avoided seeing by looking to the side.

“Well, ah, dear, the... the implements were discreetly delivered and assembled in the spare den. I have been assured from several of the peers it is the 'in' thing for the rich and landed to do. I must admit... I am at a loss. But... surely we can solve the riddle of such, can we not?”

Fleur nodded eagerly and clopped a hoof firmly on the floor. “B-but of course, Fancy darling. After all, we should not fear such an unknown. We are grown, mature ponies. Surely we may master this art known as... what was it called?”

“'BDSM' was the term I heard bandied about but for the life of me I cannot claim to know what the blasted letters mean. I can only presume they have some arcane meaning to the practitioners of this strange art. And surely some instruction must come with such things. How else would one become conversant with such things?”

“Indeed! Indeed... we certainly need not fear. Now then... well... it IS our night for intimacy. And you were assured that this was a manner of intimacy. You were assured that, were you not?”

“But of course I was. True, I am not sure what to think of the numerous winks and nudges they gave to one another but I assure you that I was told it was a most intimate thing. Now...” Fancy rose and motioned to the next room. “Let us go it it, darling.”

Fleur rose grandly and stepped into the room ahead of Fancy, gasping at the sight she found. The warm and cozy room had been transformed into quite a dark and dire place. Strange devices hung suspended from chains or stood, imposing, near the walls. A box of unknown contents rested at the far end of the room, while a rack near the door held a number of imposing implements. “Goodness me...”

“I say!” Fancy's monocle popped right off his face as he stared in shock at the state of his room. “I was not aware it was quite so... involved.”

“Where... where do we even start?”

“Well, I was given a 'crash course' as they say. Told useful phrases that could be used for such, general outlines and pointers. As I understand, speaking to your partner as though they are beneath you is in full propriety. As is something they call a 'safe word.' Some phrase or word stated when all activity is to cease. Suggestions are for very uncommon things that would be notable such as... 'papaya' or 'aubergine' or somesuch thing as that.”

“You are making me hungry, dear... though I know at least one instance in which the word 'aubergine' is used in intimate encounters. But I am sworn to secrecy. In any event... please do suggest something we may do.”

“Well, allow me to attempt one of the basic thoughts...” Lighting his horn, Fancy took a device off the wall. A paddle. It was polished well and made of light wood, with holes drilled in it.

“A paddle? This is hardly a school setting, darling.”

“Bear with me, dear. This may work.” Fancy cleared his throat, took a strong stance and cried, “Take that, you bad, bad filly!” He then let the paddle slap down with a massive crack against Fleur's derriere.

Fleur let out a mingled cry of shock and pain, looking back with a surprised stare. “Fancy! My word, how uncouth! And that hurt! My poor hind end!”

“Oh my darling! My dear I am terribly sorry!” Fancy was upon Fleur in an instant, tenderly kissing the stricken spot. “I don't understand. I was assured that if done in this context such an action would deliver untold pleasure!”

“That was hardly untold pleasure. I have more pleasure when we sport about in the hot tub. What other bit of ridiculousness have we available from all this rot?”

Fancy cudgeled his brain to recall all the details he had been told. “I do recall... yes! Please, attempt to mount that device which you see there.” Fancy indicated one of the things hung from the ceiling. It was a wooden wedge covered in a medium-thick cloth, chains at the four corners allowing it to dangle from the ceiling. For whatever odd aesthetic reasons it had been embellished with the carved wooden head of a pony wearing a blindfold and some kind of cloth over their mouth.

“How curious. As you well know I am unused to performing mounting duties.” Fleur circled the odd thing, finally giving a graceful leap and landing atop it, her hooves just barely able to make purchase with the ground at the rear. “My word! This is most discomforting! This wedge is digging about in most indelicate areas!”

“Please darling, please do try. I was assured by very important ponies that this was wonderful.” Fancy, ever the gentlecolt, dutifully stood behind Fleur and pushed on her rear end to assist her in mounting the device.

“This is hardly an improvement! My intimate parts are split in a greatly uncomfortable manner.”

“Indeed, so I see. It is hardly conducive to intimate activity. Ah! I know, move your body back. Allow me to assist.” Using his magic and Fleur's motions, Fancy managed to pull her slowly back.

“It still exerts a terrible pressure between my teats and upon the whole of my barrel. How long am I mean to be upon this contraption?”

“Well, intimacy is now possible. I suppose once I complete the act its duty is concluded. Now... let me... oh dear. This may have been designed for one with greater height... If I just...” With an ungainly hop Fancy landed on Fleur's back, attempting to merge his intimate parts with hers while adjusting to her new height. The last thing either of them heard was the scream of Fleur, a shot of wild magic and the snapping of chains.

“So... you two fell?” Later on, at the emergency room of Canterlot General Hospital a nurse named Candy Stripe looked over a clipboard at the two ponies before her.

Fancy Pants nodded, wincing a bit. He was well battered, from taking the brunt of the blows as the chains rained down onto their crumpled bodies. Not only did he have visible injuries but his beloved 'butternut squash' had nearly ended up becoming a crookneck. “Yes. Yes we... fell.”

“While engaged in a bit of... spirited intimacy.” Fleur felt as though she had split her body in half against that idiotic wedge, though the padding and Equestrian bodily robustness had ensured that her injuries felt worse than they were.

Candy Stripe sighed and shook her head. “Alright Mister and Miss... Smith. My orderlies Poultice and Suture will take you to room number three. After a quick assessment we'll have you back to your... spirited intimacy.”

“How embarrassing! To be examined in such a manner. At least they did not probe deeply into the circumstances.” Fleur shook her head as she and Fancy stood within the odd room once more. “Dare we even try again?”

“Yes! Let us not be afraid of such things. I was given strong assurances of the fun of such things. I do not wish to believe that my sources were liars. There must be some secret to unlocking the entertainment. Perhaps a reversal.”

“A reversal, darling?”

“Yes. I have heard tell of mares mounting upon stallions.”

“It would hardly be of much interest to either of us. I lack the parts to make a mounting interesting while you are hardly built to receive such attention.”

“Check that box there, and attempt to find a complicated harness device. I was informed it is called a 'strap-on'. Some sort of device for carrying something.”

Fleur used her horn to open the box and dug around, while Fancy walked around the room to look at the unknown implements. She quickly found what had been meant. It looked like... the skeleton that might be underneath intimate lower body apparel. There were two attachment points that appeared on it. One that went inside, and would likely rest against her own intimate parts, and one on the very front.

Setting aside the mystery, she slid them up her long lower legs, adjusting the straps until it fit snugly upon her body. Further digging turned up a number of devices whose construction made them suitable for attachment to the harness. Large, smooth, egg shaped devices and modestly-sized faux-phalluses looked to be made for the inner attachment, while rather... robust rubber rods were made for the outer one. “I do believe I have solved the mystery of the device you mentioned.”

“Splendid darling! Come show me right away.” Fancy was not looking, his attention focused on the fallen wedge.

“Are you certain?” Fleur attached one of the imitation penises to the harness, noticing that a bottle of some viscous liquid lay next to it. While she poured the liquid onto the rubber surface she noted, “It is rather... surprising.”

“Oh surprises are quite wonderful! Please, darling, do show me.”

Giving a shrug, Fleur crossed the room, took aim and leaped onto Fancy. A scream broke the silence of the room.

“So you...” Candy Stripe.

“Slipped.” Fancy.

“And fell.”

“Yes.”

“On a... 'toy'?”

“Yes.” Fancy winced a bit and coughed. “It was a most... unusual circumstance. Quite improbable, but one of those matters that comes up in life.”

Candy Stripe coughed and rolled her eyes, making a note on her chart. “Very well, mister Smith. As before, Poultice and Suture will escort you to room three for examination and... extraction.”

“Thank you kindly.” Fancy walked along, gingerly, followed by a very shamefaced Fleur.

“I swear we shall unlock the mystery of this curious thing!” Fancy stomped his hoof and delivered a most ungentlecoltly snort. “Now, let us not attempt too much, too quickly. I shall examine the box this time, while you look in on likely candidates for entertainment in the collection of devices.”

“Very well, dear. That should prove safer.” Fleur set off on her own tour of the strange contraptions scattered around the room.

Fancy gingerly dug through the collection of odd items in the box. Phalluses of all colors and descriptions, manacles with faux fur on them, mouth bits, hobbles, blindfolds, wing binders, horn caps, harnesses and binders. It resembled nothing so much as the equipment chest of a very, very confused constable. With a sigh, Fancy turned to the wall at the entrance from where he had taken the paddle. He saw beside it a coiled fiber whip.

Another memory passed through his mind. If done with the proper vocalizations and the right facial expression, controlling a whip was easy and would deliver the promised pleasure. Fancy's magical aura took up the whip, bringing it closer to him for an examination. It seemed a basic object. Surely he could master its usage for the purposes of pleasure.

He strode casually up behind Fleur, holding the whip up in a ready to use position. Then with a cry he let his magic run wild, screaming, “Somepony is a bad filly and needs to be punished!”

Candy Stripe sighed and rubbed her head under the horn with a hoof. “What was it this time?”

“A whip.” Fleur looked less sheepish than last time. She was scowling, her back and neck covered in angry red welts.

“We... fell. Awkwardly.” Fancy was looking out on the world with one good eye. His other was dark black, covered with a broken monocle. To his credit, he was also covered in welts.

“Room three. Poultice. Suture. You know the procedure.” Candy Stripe noted something else on the chart and motioned with her head.

“We must face facts, Fancy dear. I believe we have been, as they say, hornswoggled.” Fleur shook her head slowly.

“I don't wish to believe it. But I say we give it yet another go. Surely if we restrict ourselves to only the simplest things, we may succeed. Here...” He levitated up two pear-shaped objects made of bright pink rubber, with odd cranks on the narrow ends. “Surely such innocuous devices could prove no harm at all.”

Fancy and Fleur stood before the nurse again, Fancy's mouth plugged with spread pink rubber, a stem emerging from it with a broken mechanism at the end. Fleur's own complaint was not visible, but she was wincing mightily. “We... fell?”

There was no trace of mirth in the angry unicorn face that looked at them. “Room. Three.” She then screamed out, “Poultice! Suture!”

Two voices in unison answered, “Again?!”

Dear Lord Gammon,

I am returning your generously-donated objects. I attempted to make use of them as per your suggestions and instructions. Allow me to make the outcome of my endeavors very clear in my statement of how I shall have you take receipt of them: Please store them very far and deep in a bodily receptacle whereupon neither Celestia's sun nor Luna's moon shines.

Cordially,

Fancy Pants.

Twinkie: Playing Doctor

“Hey Twilight, hey Twilight, hey Twilight, hey Twilight, hey Twilight...” Pinkie Pie bounced about her marefriend, carefree as ever as she endeavored to get her attention. The studious unicorn seemed to be pointedly ignoring her, as she scanned the rather thick tome before her.

Eventually, however, the bouncing and repetition managed to be the one-two punch necessary to penetrate through Twilight's practiced study-trance and pierce her earplugs, grating on the mare enough that she whipped her head up, plugs popping rather dramatically from her ears. “Yes, Pinkie? Can I help you?”

“Twilight, I'm boooooooored. And you know what happens when I get bored.”

“Yes, I know. You follow me around all day until I inevitably fall in love with you, go crazy with jealousy and... oh, I already did that part...” Twilight looked over a checklist she had pulled from a drawer near her. “Oh, here we go. You prattle on incessantly until I realize I've studied enough, give in and then we have fun, go on a date, make love or bake. Or some combination of the above. Incidentally, baking dates are wonderful, baking lovemaking is less so.”

“I know. And Mrs. Cake made me promise not to do it anymore after all the mess we made last time. She really didn't like the flour flank-prints on the ceiling. Your magic is really, really strong.”

Twilight blushed deeply and fanned herself with a pile of papers. “Well... I was inspired. And when I’m inspired I can do anything. But for now... I think we should try playing something. That's always able to occupy you for a while.”

“Oh! Perfect! I love playing. Playing is one of my favorite things, along with performing leisure activities, sporting around and gadding about!”

“Because those are all distinct things.” Twilight playfully rolled her eyes, with a grin, and leaned in against Pinkie. “So... playing. Well, I've got plenty of board games. Almost too many board games. It's a little odd... but Spike still likes to play them so I guess that's why I still have them.”

“Board games? I dunno. This isn't really a 'board game boredom.' It's a little more than that but a little less than 'build a giant robot' boredom.' I think you understand.”

“Frighteningly, Pinkie, I think I do understand. Maybe something a little more cerebral. I know! I can pull out my RPG books! I have a few more adventures suitable for one player and one game master. I even promise not to make all the side-quests about rescuing a nubile, virginal scholar who will instantly become a romantic interest.”

“But I love that! Oh... wait... no... we promised we wouldn't pull out the RPG books for a while. You know, after... The Incident.”

“Oh! Right...” A huge blush spread across Twilight's face and she coughed into her hoof. “I'll remember next time. Don't buy novelty candy dice and then forget to mention that not all the dice are novelty candies.”

“But on the plus side we figured out my stomach is lucky! It rolled a natural twenty!”

“A few hours later...” Twilight noted, with a wincing grin. “Alright... playing... I've been suggesting things, and that's rude. Do you have any ideas, Pinkie?”

“Oh um... well...” Suddenly the spastic baker went silent, a tremendous blush coloring her cheeks as something came to mind.

“What's the matter, Pinkie? You're not usually that shy about mentioning things we can do.”

“Well... I heard something. It was on television. And it was these two mares that wanted to play a game. But a sexy game. So they said they should, um, 'play doctor.'”

“'Play doctor'? That's what they said?”

“Mm-hmm.”

“Huh... strange. I don't... I don't think I've ever heard of that as a game, least of all a sexy game. I mean, I have that game about operating but that's not particularly sexy. Is it some kind of code for something? You know I was sheltered in my books when I was young. Does it mean anything to you?

“Nope! But that doesn't mean anything. I grew up on a Cannonite rock farm. I was all grown up when I came out to the rest of the world.”

“Hmmm... I know I really should research this. And yet... it seems completely straightforward. A little unusual but... a lot of sexy games seem silly when you hear about them. I thought roleplaying in bed was silly until we bought that little box that let us roll dice without losing them over the side. It wasn't too much sexier than roleplaying at a table but it was cozy, so that was nice...”

“Come on, let's do it!”

Twilight hesitated for a moment but then broke into a tremendous smile. “Alright, Pinkie! Let's get to it!”

Half an hour later the two of them were situated in the state that they figured was exactly what the game entailed. Twilight had carefully scrubbed both her front legs as well as her horn, sliding rubber covers up both of her legs. She was wearing scrubs in her usual shade of lavender, and a matching surgical mask, as well as a paper hat to hold in her mane. She was standing up on her hind legs before a gurney, on which Pinkie Pie lay. Pinkie was on her back, forelegs tucked up against her chest and clutching lightly at the paper gown. Her abdomen was exposed, and was behind a kind of paper curtain, separating it from the top part of her body. There were also paper sheets lining an area around Pinkie's abdomen, which had been smeared with a strong-smelling antiseptic. Completing the look was a large tray of surgical instruments.

Twilight looked dubiously down on the scene and removed her mask. “You know... on further reflection I fail to see how this will be very erotic.”

Pinkie slid the curtain aside and nodded. “I know! I'll be asleep. How can I possibly have fun? Maybe if it was brain surgery and you put really nice dreams in my head.”

“Brain surgery isn't something that should be done casually. Though, really, no surgery should ever be done casually. If you want nice dreams there are spells for that. But that's beside the point. I get the feeling that we've somehow missed the meaning of this game. It can't be about surgery.”

“But what else could it be? How can you play doctor and have sexy fun at the same time?”

Twilight stroked a rubber-clad hoof over her chin, creating a few squeaks, then slapped the hoof down on the ground. “Of course! We need a doctor for erogenous zones! You don't play surgeon when you play doctor! You play gynecologist!”

“Right!” Pinkie rubbed the side of her head and asked, “But what if one is a boy? Or if they're both boys?”

“Obviously, for a boy you'd play urologist. It all makes perfect sense. Well, now I feel silly. I'd better return the tray and gurney to the hospital. They seemed a little confused about why I wanted them.”

A short time later Twilight had returned and set up for a new game. She had moved things around her living space to make it look more like a waiting room, using a clothesline and blanket to 'wall off' an examining room, the area around her bed. She was dressed in a white lab coat, and was levitating a clipboard in front of her. “Alright, next... Pinkamina Diane Pie?”

“Ooh! That's me! That's me!” Pinkie slapped down the old magazine she had been reading and leaped up from her chair. She followed Twilight through the curtain and into the 'exam area.' Pinkie had been in charge of decorations, so she had quickly drawn medical-looking images and slapped them up on the walls, including a fairly convincing x-ray of a pelvis and an anatomical chart of pony female anatomy that was quite good, despite being rendered in crayon.

“Now then, Miss Pie, what can I do for you today?” Twilight adjusted her bed, which had been covered in heavy white paper from a roll, and had been equipped with stirrups to create a passable exam table. There was even a tray of exam tools and bottles of various liquids.

“Well, Doctor Sparkle, I'm here for my regularly scheduled teat-check.” Pinkie giggled a little bit after saying her line, and stood up very straight.

“Of course. Regular teat-checks are vital for your health.” Twilight slipped a rubber cover over her right hoof, letting it snap down loudly. “Is this your first teat-check? You seem very, very young Miss Pie.”

“Oh yes, hee-hee, Doctor Sparkle. I've never done this before. This is all so new and strange.”

“Don't worry, it's very simple. As I am a unicorn I place my hoof, thus...” Twilight carefully placed a hoof against the teat farthest from her, reaching under Pinkie to get at it. “Then I use some magic to apply a gentle pressure...” A shimmering field of force pressed in against the modest teat, pushing it against the hoof on the other side. “Then I move the field around in this massaging motion, using my frog to check for lumps or other anomalies.” The magical force's indentation assumed a rounded shape, and rolled over the teat like a ball, while her hoof turned slowly in various ways, to check the flesh as it was pressed.

“Oh! Oh wow. Oh! Hee... th-that... that tickles! Hee!” Pinkie was squirming all around, her limbs stuggling to maintain the proper exam position.

“Then I repeat the procedure on your other teat.” Twilight moved her hoof to press it against the back of the teat closest to her. Her magic activated again and the force once more pressed in at the tender flesh. “And that's how it goes. I palpate the areas in question, and can tell you that you, Miss Pie, have a clean bill of mammary health.” Twilight slipped off the rubber cover and made some marks on the chart. “Now since you're young I only need to see you every two years for a thorough check. You can perform monthly self-checks in front of a mirror using both hooves. Or maybe if you have, heh, a unicorn fillyfriend or coltfriend, they can help you.”

Pinkie giggled softly and nodded her head. “Sounds super duper fun!”

“Yes. You can make a game of it.” Twilight giggled softly and removed the lab coat. “Okay, now you can be the gynecologist. You looked at that book I gave you, right?”

“Yup! Umm, Twilight? There were no pictures. What's a 'speculum'?”

“It's a special piece of equipment used for exams. That's what the shiny duck-billed things on the tray are. Just how much of the book did you read?”

“Ummm... some of the terms. It was boring!”

Twilight groaned and shook her head. “It's okay, Pinkie. I think you get the idea. I'll sit out in the 'waiting room.' Just call when you're ready.”

“Okie dokie lokie!” Pinkie pulled out the book as Twilight went to the other side of the curtain. She flipped through several chapters, settling on, and scanning through, the section on 'Vaginal Examination.' That seemed appropriate.

Twilight flipped through a magazine, noting that it had quite a lot of candid shots of mare genitals, though not much medical information. She checked on the cover and found it to be something called, 'Wet Ride.' “Spike... hiding them in my medical magazines?” Another magazine came up, 'Good Girl.' The cover featured a Diamond Dog female straddling and slightly hiding behind a huge piece of translucent quartz. “And here... I can't tell what you like most about this one...”

“Next, Twilight Sparkle!” Pinkie appeared from behind the curtain with an eager bounce, looking at her clipboard.

“Oh! Oh that's me. S-sorry.” Twilight shook off the odd discovery and proceeded behind the curtain.

“I understand you're here for an examination of your mare-parts.” Pinkie blushed a bit as she said it.

Twilight broke character for a moment and tilted her head. “'Mare-parts'?”

Pinkie blushed even deeper. “I was raised a Cannonite! Some things you just don't say.” She then cleared her throat and tried to get back to business. “Please lay back on the table and place your legs in the stirrups.”

“Of course, Doctor Pie.” Twilight did as she was told, hopping up onto the bed and laying out, legs spread wide and comfortably settled into the attached stirrups. “Will this be an external examination?”

“No, I need to see all your insides. Umm, the... the... cervix...” She said the last word quietly, with a quiver of hesitation. She snapped the rubber covers on her hooves and trotted over on her hind legs, settling herself between Twilight's legs. “Well, just the outside looks yummy-delicious. Add some frosting or whipped cream or a cherry...”

“Pinkie...” Another character break.

“R-right! Sorry! Professionalism. Ahem! Now... to ease the process...” Pinkie picked up a squeeze bottle of their favorite strawberry-flavored lubricant and squirted it down over Twilight's genitals. She got a little sloppy, as ever, the viscous liquid oozing around everywhere, including between the cleft of her flanks and onto the paper covering the bed.”

“Very... thorough, doctor Pie. Alright, I await the exam.” Twilight laid her head back and smiled in anticipation. Pinkie was so cute and innocent. She'd probably start with just rubbing and touching the sensitive spots before doing an 'internal exam' by spreading the lips and peering in. She'd never done that before.

Pinkie, meanwhile, hesitated. She knew what she had to do. The book had told her clearly enough. But it was so against her nature. She had seen Twilight's anatomy clearly enough and often enough. But she never looked inside. That seemed a violation of her personal, private privates. She had always just licked and nibbled and put her mouth over and dug her tongue around. But she was supposed to look for the game.

She reached onto the tray and carefully picked up one of the modestly-sized specula. It seemed rather intimidating, all gleaming, polished chrome. It was smooth and shimmery, made of gentle curves that would normally seem friendly. But she could only blush over what she needed to do with it. She just couldn't watch. So she closed her eyes, aimed and brought it down against a lubricated entrance.

Twilight's eyes had opened when she realized it was taking longer than she thought. She saw Pinkie's eyes shut and a speculum in her hooves. She was about to comment when it came down. She suffered a moment of shock and could not speak when it penetrated, but finally managed to squeak out, just a moment after the squeezing of the spreading mechanism had begun, “Wrong entrance!”

Dear Princess Celestia,

Today both Pinkie Pie and I learned a valuable lesson. No matter how basic or self-explanatory a term or idea seems, if you don't know what it entails don't just blindly try it, research it carefully. It may delay enjoyment or make you look silly or out-of-touch, but it will save on headaches and misunderstandings.

Also, we both learned that there are differently sized specula for very, very, very good reasons.

Your faithful student,

Twilight Sparkle, currently sitting on a bag of frozen peas.

Appledash: Hoofing

“Dash, ah gotta say... outta all the craziness ya done told me about this is the craziest ah ever heard. Ah'm not even sure ah can believe what yer sayin'!” Late night at the cloud manor. Applejack and Rainbow Dash were both settled comfortably in Dash's bedroom, AJ having been enchanted with a long-acting cloudwalking spell, much like Tank had been.

“I'm telling you, it's true! Gilda swore up and down that it was possible!”

“An' do we really need ta be bringin' her up? She weren't no good, Dash! And ah can't think that anything she had ta say could be any good either.”

“Okay, you have a point. She wasn't that great for me. I agree. But not everything she said was a lie. And honestly, I kinda see how it would work.”

“You see it? Really?”

“Come on, AJ, a whole foal has to come outta there. It just makes sense. Pour a whole lotta oil or lube onto her talons, ball them up and just press. I mean, it seems real enough. I've heard of it before.”

“Do ah gotta check yer closets and under yer bed like Twi does fer Spike?”

Dash rolled her eyes and shook her head. “No, 'mom', you don't have to check under my bed or in my closets. You know exactly what things I have, where they are and how to use them to full effect. I've just heard things, and seen magazines promising to show them. But I avoid the griffin ones and I have no interest in Diamond Dogs.”

“So yer sayin' that ya could do it with another pony? Even though we ain't got hands like them griffins and Diamond Dogs?” AJ looked beyond skeptical, tilting her head incredulously.

“All it would take is a rubber hoof cover, like doctors wear, a lot of the lube we like, and patience, because it would be a little harder to get in.”

“Well ya can say that again...” AJ muttered. “Ah dunno, Dash. Even if ah thought it was possible ah ain't exactly eager ta have mah 'barn entrance' stormed by a pegasus, even if it's you.”

“No problem! I'll be the one to do it!” Dash struck an heroic pose and threw out one of her signature overconfident smiles.

“Are ya sure about that? It ain't like ah'm gonna make ya if y'all say no...”

“No sweat, AJ. Like I said, it's all about preparation. We've got the lube, and the time. All we need is a hoof cover. Maybe Twi will let he have one.”

“Ya gonna tell her what it's for 'r ya jes gonna let her come up with somethin' on her own. Remember, this is Twi we're talkin' 'bout.”

“I'll say it's for an experiment. She'll give me a dozen of them.”

“If ya think ya can manage it, go ahead.” AJ leaned back in the bed and watched with amusement as Dash zipped off. She had no expectation of success.

“Well that was easy.” Dash flew back into the room ten minutes later, with a box of hoof covers on her back.

“What the hay? Twi actually let you have that? I figgered she'd tell ya 'no' or at least talk yer ear off about experiments and ask ya questions until ya gave up.”

“Oh she tried. She wanted to know everything. I tried to make something up but just told her it was confidential. She got all conspiratorial, then gave me the box and told me to write up everything and present it to her for peer review, whatever that means.”

“So ya gonna do it?”

“What? Write it up? No way. It would end up sounding like a Harlequine novel. I'll just dodge her until she forgets. Now... here you go.” Dash passed off the box of hoof covers and gave an eager, squeaking smile. “Need me to go get the bottle of lube?”

AJ heaved a huge sigh and held up the reddish bottle. “Ah got it. Good ol' apple-flavored lubricant. At least it'll be familiar to ya.”

“I wanna thank you beforehoof, AJ.” Dash set herself up in a sawhorse position, front and rear legs spread wide, back straight, rear pushed just slightly up. “This isn't even about Gilda or anything. It was about wondering what it was like. It's been buzzing around like a bee in my head. And I'm finally gonna find out what it's all like.”

“Ya said that right,” AJ noted, snapping the cover onto her hoof, “Yer liable ta get stung.” She began to slowly pour the lubricant over her covered hoof, shaking her head. “Time enough fer ya ta change yer mind.”

“Oh come on, just do it. Nothing is gonna happen.”

“Miss Rainbow Dash! Have you come to steal our Daring Do books again?” Nurse Redheart clucked pleasantly from behind the desk at the nurse's station. She was pulling late-night urgent-care duty, and needed something to liven up the monotony.

“Not, ergh, quite Nurse Redheart. Agh! C-ould you get... I mean... erk! You see...”

“Dash, jes spit it out!” AJ spoke in an annoyed tone from behind Dash. She was laying in a wheeled cart, which was harnessed to Dash, the kind of thing pegasi use to cart loads through the air. A blanket had for some reason, been thrown over Dash's backside, and was held up, seemingly, by one of AJ's forelegs.

“Chillax, Applejack, I've got this!

“If y'all could 'cillax' as ya say ya could let go-a mah hoof!” AJ sighed, deep and long, then looked up to the nurse and said, in a defeated tone, “Jes get th' gynecologist in here.”

Bad Moon: Femdom

“You have considered well this endeavor you wish to undertake?” Princess Luna, resplendent in an outfit that almost looked to consist of jewel-bedecked ribbons hanging between more traditional minimalist barding, looked incredulously down at her partner.

“I considered it. I can't imagine anything better. Besides, it's only fair. How often have I clung to your flank and given you my all?” Bad Apple was simply bare, though he shone with a coating of aromatic oil that had previously been massaged into his coat. “It's unfair that I basely top you over and over. I believe very strongly in egalitarianism. If I may be on top, you should be as well.”

“Aye, my love, you speak good sooth and wise. You are very much soul of this land, of franchise and opportunity for all, respecting not race nor species nor sex. If it has been that you seek to prove the strength of your back upon mine own then surely I may try the strength of your inches as I rest you upon your own.”

“It might even be a nice change. All I ever see usually is the back of your head and your horn, maybe your face from an odd angle when your head goes back. And while it is a lovely head, with a beautiful mane and wonderful horn... I think I could grow to like seeing you from below, watching that beautiful face twist and contort in pleasure, seeing you gasp and moan, not just hear it... we could even kiss much more easily.”

“As you speak you bring to clarity the rightness of this endeavor. How is't we ne'er did such afore? All the glory of lovemaking and we may see one another. Surely, 'tis an odd and unnatural pose for our kind. But as Diamond Dogs mate standing but in manner similar to ponykind, so to do they do so upon the ground, face to face. They make of themselves a union, some grand, glorious beast of two backs. Let us, my love, become this two-as-one. United in new fashion, with all our old passion.”

“I knew you would be agreeable. It's a fun suggestion. And since you know well what 'fun' is, you've savored every opportunity to have it.”

“Aye!” Luna gleefully used the Royal Canterlot Voice to blow back Bad Apple's slick-backed mane, the pomade making it stay mostly back. “Our fun hath been most deliciously doubled, trebled and all higher ciphers. Ne'er shall I forget the night when near I did not bring low my moon afore my sister raised her sun, enraptured as I was by your five offerings to mine hidden chapel. May it be thus that this new sport be as entrancing, that we may have many more memories for all the years that will come.”

“A personal best that will never be surpassed, I'm quite sure. I think that a sixth time would have caused my 'honeycrisps' to implode. Sorry it took all night to get all five out, but, you know, stallions are not made of stone. We need rest between our activity. Meanwhile...” Bad Apple smoothly moved to the bed, falling onto it and rolling onto his back. His front legs were tucked up to his chest, while his rear legs were splayed lewdly out to expose his stallion parts.

“Such grandeur as never have I seen. Even moonrise over distant Nocne Mesta doth pale in comparison to the sight of this wond'rous rise. And indeed, the stones you present shew your superiority to the mere pebbles of those great ranges.” Luna floated ethereally to the presented genitals and slowly gave them a wet lick, from the back side of the heavily-hanging sac to over the tip of Bad Apple's twitching erection.

“If I wanted to love you any more I'd have to be two ponies...” Bad Apple breathed, huffing softly after the lick concluded, his slim upper body slowly rolling back and forth beneath the tender ministrations of his divine lover. “By the moon and all the stars in heaven...”

“You are all aces, kid...” Luna slowly dropped a lascivious wink and kissed the blunted crown on the rod beside her face. “These modern ponies of mental physic, speaking of relations, do say that as the seasons turn 'round lovers may begin to be as one another. Already we speak with borrowed tongues. And now the mounting turns, mare 'pon stallion. 'Tis Batlemare Fair, a time when all is topside down. Is your three-hued aubergine prepared for the adoration of my tackle? Come you, coney-catcher. Have you captured your quarry. Be you ready to be used as you have used, in equal measure and set upon by your resplendent goddess of all that shines in darkness?”

“Use me all you want, my love. I consider it an honor. As a spy, as your will made flesh, as your very eyes and ears and hoof, or as a way to make you feel good. After a thousand years, don't you deserve a little something just for you?” Bad Apple chuckled lightly and arched his back some, to make his rod stand up tall and proud, quivering in stiff anticipation following the teasing kisses and licks.

“Aye... your body and your skills... mine for use. My champion.” Luna licked her lips again and traced her tongue on the underside of the ridge that would become his flare. “You have a most appropriate bauble. I shew no offense to the offering of such, as might lesser ladies. This aubergine bauble hath much to speak for it. And seems prepared to offer devotions.”

“My devotion... never doubt you have every last bit of that, sweetness. I don't know how this will go. Neither of us has ever been on our back. But I'm so eager to find out. Please. Give me your best.”

“Ever, my dearest.” Luna stepped up onto the bed and posed proudly over the standing spire of flesh. “A thought... shall we season well with spice as is seemly to this state?”

“How do you mean? I'm... feeling this might be good for me.” Bad Apple's smile was strained, but very sincere. He'd never deny her a thing. “But I'll accept anything.”

“As in times when I play as queen in our passionate games, shall I speak to you as if you were other than dearest to me. Does it cause concern that you shall be thou?”

“Not at all. It adds a dash of heat to an already-spicy sexual stew. We can do that. Was there anything else?”

“Aye... aye... we did hear of a most curious thing in the Griffin Kingdom. There hens have lesser status, though more than in times afore. But some griffinesses suffice not with this lesser bearing. They have made of themselves their own spear of the distaff foisted 'pon them by nature and culture. They make of the males that fall into their talons a lesser being, in payment for the years and sisters that have passed. Some even say it is enjoyed, Bald cockerels 'neath the paw of Booted hens. 'Tis not so strange to see. But the power of hen and cockerel are all in disarray. As it once was in ill times of this nation. Shall I be to you not lover but ruler? As a mare thus once was my natural station. Say 'nay' and all thoughts evaporate as hoarfrost 'neath sister's gaze.”

Bad Apple took a moment to consider it, stroking his chin while casually slapping his erection on his belly, in a typical stallion fashion. “It's no matter to me. I love you, and I know you love me. Whatever funny games we may play, we won't ever feel differently when it's all over. Do it. I say, 'aye' and wish you much pleasure.”

“You are most generous, my love. Most liberal and wonderful. Very well. But say 'stay' and all is as it had been.” She rose up to her full height, on her hind legs, forehooves to the ceiling, eyes glowing white. “Thou, servitor, be wholly under out power! Thou hast thy place beneath our perfect hoof!” One rear hoof stretched out and pressed down on Bad Apple's sac, only the fleshiest portion of her rear frog pushing on the ample honeycrisps within. “Feel thy goddess! How doth it suit thee, mortal?”

Bad had never fully admitted it, but he had a rather great love for the clean, soft hooves his lover sported. She was every inch the noblemare beneath her knee and pastern. Hooves that never touched the ground without shoes, and were tended to and cared for with professional diligence. Certainly, it formed only a tiny sliver of his adoration for the divine body of Luna, a smaller slice than his love for, say, her rear end, or her teats. But it was very real. “It suits me well, my goddess! Your hooves are most gentle and soft.”

“Aye! We are most generous unto thine unworthy corse! Savor our generosity! Undeserved as it be we grant this unto thee! We spread our tackle 'pon thy cod and take our pleasure as is our right as mare and goddess over thee!” Luna's horn glowed brightly, the magical field standing the formerly-slapping organ straight up, a slightly-discomforting position but not one which was very unfamiliar. “Hast thou words afore we claim this prizzle as our new demesne?”

“Take me, please, my goddess! I am not ordering you or making a demand out of my place. I am agreeing with you!”

A most un-goddessly chuckle passed quickly out of Luna's mouth before she regained her proper mask. “Does our servitor think himself wise in the ways of the eely member? Aye, thou hast been revealed as a lowly coney-catcher, a quacksalver of basest desires. Take then this glory, meant for one above thee!” Luna positioned herself over the standing erection, grinding her sex down over the blunted crown. She pressed down firmly, her rear hooves resting on the bed, her weight slowly being applied, her body slowly bearing down. “Honor thy goddess, lowly one. Honor us with thy quick tongue.”

“Ah! My most gracious and giving goddess! Your generosity and gratuitous giving of grand glorious pleasure is truly grandiose!” Bad Apple grinned cheekily as he winced a bit. His organ wasn't meant to bear up the weight of an alicorn. But she was almost on. It wouldn't be much longer.

Luna ground her clitoral bulge down against the stiff flesh, groaning loudly, her moan reverberating in the air as her pleasure harmonized with her mana output. “Aye... aye! The flatterer's tongue! The mind of the scoundrel! And the bauble of a servitor! Give us thy flesh!” She put more weight down, grinding her bundle of nerves down more than she intended before a slight adjustment put her opening in the right place. Then she went down, hitting his crotch with a shriek of joy and a sharp buzz through the local mana field.

Bad Apple had been wincing more and actually started to grunt in pain before Luna finally got onto him. It was a glorious sensation. The buzz of magically-expressed pleasure really resonated with him, and drew out a long, deep moan and a powerful shudder that rocked his prone form.

Luna took her time savoring the fullness within her, grinding her body harshly upon Bad Apple. She rocked back and forth slowly, pushing his smaller form into the bed using all of her divine strength. “Aye... a most meet hot flesh, as becomes one called to serve a goddess. Ah! Fill thou our coney court, the divine yoni of night. Omnia bene!” She gave a small bounce, muscles clamping tight on the flesh within her, actually pulling her lover up with her and then violently slamming him back down onto the bed.

“Oh my, yes! This new view...” Thanks to the occasional wince, the pleasurable lowering of eyelids and all the bouncing Bad Apple had only intermittent views of Luna. “I see how full and rich your body has become, my night goddess. Truly, your form is like the classical statuary and grand monuments. You are the envy of every mare and lust of every being! That you share with me is- AH!” The strong grind had been a bit much. But he had managed. The sudden grab and bounce was far more than he had expected. Still, he held strong.

“Spare not thy pickthank tales, my coney-catching servitor! Servus! Hoof-polishing dust-treader! Thou bringest pride to thy kind! We do raise thee to a sphere no other mortal may glimpse! Rise! Rise high and raise thy goddess to unfathomed peaks of pleasure!” Luna unclenched her muscles, rose and came down again, slapping her oil-fed, extra-meaty hindquarters down upon her lover. The bottom-heavy nature of her new figure came out in dramatic clarity as flesh met flesh and the pleasant ripples ran through her hindquarters, the bed giving a groan of protest that was nearly echoed by the earth pony beneath her.

“Unt-t-til they... until they shine!” Bad Apple let out a gasp that ended in a choked sound as Luna came down hard on him. The bed was being kind to his stones, at least, and his hindquaters. But there was only so much compression that could spare his body. He gamely went along with the play, but he was starting to feel the pressure, even with the Proscenium arch broken to rubble. He tried a few thrusts of his hips, but meeting her force was hardly helping. He was a powerful earth pony, but underneath it all, so was she, and far more powerful than him in her earth pony strength.

“It was to our benefit that we bed thee! Thou hast given sign of thy strong back! Ah! Ah! We approach!” Luna rose up tall and proud, front legs kicking, head thrown back, wings flared proudly, ethereal mane practically surging like waves whipped by a squall. She screamed with the full force of the Royal Canterlot Voice, and used no magic to support herself. All her weight was upon Bad Apple and her rear legs, which only bounced her, they provided no carriage. “Thou servest well as throne for us! Thou dost honor thy blood! Aye! We approach! We approach!”

“Ah! Ah! M-my goddess... oh my bucking thighs! L-luna darling?! My love?”

“We arrive! We arrive!” Luna released a tremendous shriek and slammed herself down with wild abandon.

“Sister...” Luna looked with tear-filled eyes at Celestia. “Tell me... tell me of good turns of Fortuna's wheel. Bonis avibus.”

Celestia gently hugged her sister. “It's good news. My magic is still good as ever. It's been centuries since the great war, and my powers have not been needed for such serious injuries. But I did all I could. The bones are mended, and holding well enough. But you know magic has limits. It is like regrowing a limb, constant, regular applications of magic over a period. He's stable and resting now, though he could probably use your powers over sleep to send him to dreams. We have our spheres, little sister. Only you can take away his pain. And I think he only wants you to do it.”

“He does not want me. He could not. I am a fool. A painted harlequine. Bring me motley and the masque of tragedy, for I have naught in mine heart but fond folly.” Luna turned aside from her sister and started to sob, tears dropping heavily to the ground.

Celestia embraced her sister again and gave her a warm, comforting squeeze. “He loves you with all his heart. After I reset all the bones and staunched the small bleeders he said he loves you. Accidents happen.” She chuckled a bit and nudged Luna some. “He said that the Monster of Hate and Any Random's hired goons could not break his bones. He was impressed by you.”

Luna gave a choked laugh, somewhere between a hiccup and a sob. “Mine unspleened dove... do I not deserve his love. Still... am I a fool. To take these borrowed rags of other lands. What fools these griffins be. And what a fool be I, to follow a fool.”

“It means something to griffins. It serves a very real purpose. You know they have a powerful male-dominated state. It is like it was in the days of Discord and the time of the Blood Cults. The hens are taking that power for themselves. They need to do it. We have so much liberty and equality we don't need it. All you are doing is copying the trappings without understanding it. It didn't do anything special for you, did it?”

“Nay indeed, sister... t'was pleasure, of course. To feel his aubergine within be naught save purest pleasure. But I felt not this transcendent joy as claimed by the hens that do ride their cockerels.”

“Luna, we discussed this... griffins. Just griffins.” Celestia shook her head and sighed. “They have reasons that give it extra pleasure, it means something to them. It means nothing to you. There are safe ways to share a position like that, so you both can savor.”

“Be this so, sister? How come you to know this?” Luna lifted a brow and leaned in curiously.

Celestia gave a melodic laugh and shook her head. “We all have secrets we keep, sister. But now, go to him, and I will take care of any minor matters.”

Luna nodded eagerly and hugged her sister. “Thank you, sister.” She then ran off to the private chamber containing Bad Apple.

Celestia turned her attention to a small collection of forms. Equipment and material requisition and reorder forms. Government transparency and the promise to never misuse funds was a good thing, of course. But it sometimes led to touchy situations. She had to note the usage, though there were loopholes about certain things.

Materials needed from general infirmary stores: Disinfectant, topical; Antibiotics, oral; Plaster, two applications; Gauze, two rolls.

Materials requested for restocking: Same as above

Medical condition: Injury.

Cause: {Redacted} Official Secrets Act in effect.

Patient: {Redacted} Official Secrets Act in effect

Notes:

Celestia looked at that last line, and used every ounce of her multi-century-practiced restraint to avoid writing down, “Near Death by Snu-Snu.”

Flarity: Gimp Suit

“Oh drat! This is terrible! Just terrible! I simply must get my fainting couch.” Rarity looked into a box with a great deal of distress, upstairs at Carousel Boutique.

“Oh, Rarity, what's the matter?” Fluttershy timidly approached her marefriend, attempting to look into the box as well.

“Fluttershy, darling, can you believe it? Here I ordered a casual business suit so as to study the new styles, and was sent something else entirely!” She pulled out a thick booklet whose face stated, Instructions for the Tarantella 3000 mana-infused all-purpose, all-race Gimp suit. “This will take ages to sort out and set me back. This is the. Worst. Possible. Thing!”

“I-it's not so bad. I mean, they still sent you a suit. Maybe you can learn about that. I've never even heard of a 'gimp suit', or any clothing that needs an instruction manual.”

“Allow me to introduce you sometime to the Neighponese kimono. I assure you, instructions would prove most helpful. But as to this matter... as ever, my darling, you are quite correct. I may turn this disaster into a learning opportunity! Let me simply open this booklet...”

Rarity levitated her working glasses onto her face as she opened past the table of contents to the introduction page. “Congratulations and thank you for purchasing the Tarantella 3000, the latest and greatest in personal intimate wear for the discerning user... Oh, that's it. It's some form of intimate apparel. I know all about such things. Ahem. Tarantella gimp suits are a favorite of the noble class, and each new iteration strives to continue that grand tradition. Goodness! Endorsed by nobility. It would indeed be worthwhile to study this new thing. Fluttershy! Can I count on you to be my model, as ever?”

“Oh! I'm not... not sure. I mean, I love your dresses and things but the intimate wear is embarrassing. I can barely stand the swimwear. All the frills and lace are, um, so brief and daring. I don't know if I can manage...”

“You must, you must, you must!" Rarity rubbed against the blushing pegasus, smiling winningly. “I promise, darling, modeling intimates will be the ideal way for you to gain valuable experience. You do want that, do you not?”

“Of course I do.” Fluttershy softened and rubbed against Rarity. “I'll do my best.”

“Now let me just read ahead a bit to make certain I do not make any odd errors...” Rarity flipped ahead in the manual and scanned her eyes down the page, her look growing more and more incredulous as she went along.

“Um, is something the matter, Rarity?”

“Why these instructions... they are ridiculous! They sound more like the instructions for assembling stereo equipment or cheap Hästish furniture from Equea. This is not how I imagined noble-endorsed haute couture at all. They even describe the suit itself in ridiculous terms.”

“The Tarantella 3000 operates as a unisex, one-size-fits-all all-encompassing garment with modular points for ease of use and comfort for the sub.”

“'Sub'?” Fluttershy tilted her head and scratched at her pink mane.

“That is precisely what it says, and in just that form. Sub... Oh! I see. It must indicate 'subject' as in the wearer of the suit. Obviously these instructions would be for the valet or other servant, for the dressing of an important pony. But how grammatically atrocious. There should at least be a period following such an abbreviation, if not the letter 'j' and a period. I question the quality and credentials of a company with a misprinted manual. Should we even continue onward?”

“Please do Rarity. I don't mind odd wording. I'm actually very curious about wearing a suit made for the rich and important ponies. Oh, not to be too bold or immodest.”

“Oh relish that desire, darling. On you it fits so well.” Rarity blew a kiss and dropped a wink. “It would appear this does as well. Through the use of mana-infused celluloid-oleaginous compounds in the material exact fitting can be guaranteed for all those within the small to large sizing band. And you, as I know very well, fall perfectly within, petite but perfect.”

Fluttershy blushed deeply, but perked her ears and tilted her head. “'Celluloid-oleaginous compounds'? What does that mean?”

“Now that you bring it to my attention, it is a very strange thing... let me remove a piece of the suit itself. This looks to be a sleeve for the upper body.” Rarity lifted the sleeve from the box, causing an entire pony-body-shaped garment to emerge. It was black, shiny and slick, with zippers over the back, neck and tail portion, as well as open portions on the back and belly. “My word! This is... this is plastic! Oh cruel joke! Oh horrid pranksters! To think that anything could ever be high fashion and made entirely of plastic!”

“Oh um, um... maybe it's... avant garde? They like strange things like that. I'll bet Photo Finish has several of them. Wasn't her skirt made of plastic?”

“Hmmm, you may be right, darling. I do seem to recall Photo Finish being accoutred thus. I would not put it past an eccentric such as her to enjoy such attire. I shall, as they say, press on with this examination of the instructions. As a garment both unisex and suitable for all conventional pony races, it comes with several modular pieces suitable for the encasement of specific anatomical portions. For sex-specific anatomy there has been provided a space at the belly to which may be attached the male or female accessory, noted in the diagram of parts as {E} and {F}. Admittedly I skipped that diagram but... wait...” Rarity pulled up a rather large black plastic cup that was well-shaped to indicate the male anatomy, like a codpiece but sculpted. Both she and Fluttershy shared blushes. “Ahh, yes, ahem, this... this would appear to be the portion for males.”

“Oh my... nobles are very... gifted.”

“Not from what I have heard, darling. I do believe this may be an example of... overcompensating. After all, this is to be worn by the nobility. They must give an exaggerated picture of themselves... case in point.” Rarity held up another black plastic piece, shaped as two large globes with thick peaks. “As if, darling. Why not even your generous teats match such things. They would be the product of surgery. Or perhaps suitable for a cow. Maybe this was a molding mistake from the bovine line.”

“It's so... blatant. And eye-catching. Is this really something to be worn out?”

“Those nobles are certainly good at one thing, and that is drawing attention to themselves. Yes, I do believe they would indeed wear this to draw attention to themselves and their... parts. Such attention drawing drama queens.” Rarity bounced her mane and coughed. “Let us continue. For racial differences, the rear portion can remold after some adjustment for the merae, the back portion is open for the wings of a pegasus and the head portion contains an opening for a unicorn's horn. The removable panels over the back and forehead portions may then be replaced by, as appropriate, the wing covers, {D} or horn cap {C}. My. They certainly are thorough, are they not?”

“A suit with a head portion? What kind of head portion? Do they mean some kind of crown? Because it sounds like a helmet... and even the avant garde wouldn't have a helmet. Would they?”

“Stranger things have happened in fashion, darling. Recall your attire when dressing in retro fashion. But let me see... here is the horn cap... odd that any unicorn would cover their horn. Here are the wing covers. You certainly could not fly in these. Strictly decorative. For certain values of 'decorative.' Here...” Rarity pulled out the last piece without comment. It was a full-head mask. A zipper at the neck matched up with the zipper on the neck of the outfit. Zippers were also placed over the area of the eyes and the mouth.

“Wh-what is that?”

“This, darling, is what can only be titled the death of fashion. Look upon it well. The final prank played upon every true fashionista by those of the surrealist avant garde. How the nobility could wear this and not know they were ridiculous is beyond me. Even strutting peacocks have more decency than to wear such frippery. And even if it was worth the utter ridiculousness, how would one identify another wearing this thing? I do suppose this means you will not be needed to model this frightful contrivance.”

“Umm, Rarity... I don't... don't mind wearing it. I need the experience, like you said. And even if it is nothing but a joke, the nobility like it. And... I always wanted to be like that, at least once in my life.” Fluttershy looked to Rarity with her usual large, liquid eyes, a hopeful smile on her face.

“Of course darling. I can deny you nothing. And even if this is the most ungainly and ugly thing invented by noble ponies...” Rarity cut off her own rant to smile a beatific smile at Fluttershy. “Even then... if you wish to wear the trappings of the nobility, I will indulge you. Come then, I suppose this head portion will go on first.

Using a combination of magic and hoof work, Rarity managed to slip the rubber hood over Fluttershy's head. The zippers over the eyes had been closed by default and the zipper over the mouth open. After it had been settled into place, Fluttershy noted, “Rarity, I hate to be a bother but, um, this is very dark. And I don't like darkness.”

“Apologies, let me fix this...” Rarity's magic tugged the zippers over the eyes open. As soon as they were pulled, the zipper over the mouth closed. “Oh! My word...” Fluttershy made a few vocalizations and then turned on her softest, most trembling puppydog eyes.

The mouth zipper opened up and closed the eye zippers again, prompting the trembling pegasus to note, “I don't mean to complain but this is very scary. Please do something...”

A few more attempts to fix the situation resulted in the same thing, causing Rarity to cry in frustration and flip through the manual while Fluttershy looked on her with her big eyes. “Misfit magical foolishness... here... The head portion has been enchanted to assure ease of use and optimal functioning to assure the proper action of the sub. The eye ports or mouth port can be open but not at the same time. As well, both may be closed at once. Of all the ridiculous nonsense!” Rarity pulled the hood from Fluttershy with a huff. “Darling, I know your dream, but this smacks of a prank worthy of Pinkie Pie.”

“I didn't like it. But I'm always uncomfortable in all those fancy outfits. I can do this. I know I can. Maybe the suit part first?”

“If you insist, darling. But I do this under protest. As a fashionista and as your marefriend I hate to see you subjected to these... horrors. Come then, step into this.” Rarity laid the open suit portion on the ground, which let Fluttershy settle her legs into the provided sleeves. They all ended in something akin to boots, with padding on the inside and rigid walls, which would affect her walking ability. Her motions would be a bit stiff-legged. The material slid up along her form, hanging a bit loosely but still forming along her figure. Her tail was tucked inside, where it went through a ring of plastic and emerged inside a cleverly hidden sleeve. As the suit came up and over her back she slid her wings through the provided openings. It was finally zipped up, leaving her lower body covered, save for her teats and wings. “Ugh! How unflattering. The color and sheen are grossly inappropriate for your mane and coat, the material hangs in a most horrendous way and it exposes you so blatantly! Though I suppose...” Almost as an afterthought Rarity brought up the cupped panel and placed it on the belly portion, giving Fluttershy a touch of modesty.

“Oh thank you. I felt so exposed. How strange that something I never think about without an outfit could make me so embarrassed now that I have one. I know it looks bad but we've come this far. Are you... are you sure my wings need to be covered?”

“I am afraid so. I just noticed a small warning. Note: For full functionality of outfit all panels and accessories must be attached according to proper racial specifics. This is ludicrous. Like stereo instructions from Tartarus...” Rarity grumbled about it, but still dutifully slid the plastic covers onto Fluttershy's wings. They fit loosely, almost bag-like over the faintly-moving appendages. “I trust that is not too uncomfortable.”

“I can still move them, even if the bases are a bit thick. It's hard to get good speed. But at least my feathers are free to move. I think... I think I can put on the head now. Just leave the eyes open so it's not too scary.”

“As you wish, dear.” Rarity lifted the hood and shook her head a bit. “Love makes fools of us all. To think that I, of all ponies, would inflict this fashion disaster upon the mare I love.” The hood came back down, and was secured to the lower portion by the provided zipper. “Do you feel any more... regal or noble? I would say, with perhaps some bias, you were far more glowing and regal in your own pelt.”

Fluttershy mumbled out a comment then looked down at her zippered mouth, pointing to it with her booted hoof. When it opened she noted, “I feel strange, very claustrophobic. But I still want to see. Can you bring over a mirror? Oh, quickly. I don't want to be in the dark too long.”

“But of course.” Rarity opened the eye zippers and used her magic to bring a three-panel mirror over. “Look well on the folly and excess of the noble ponies. To think I once envied them. Tell me, dear, what do you think of it?”

The zipper opened up and Fluttershy said, “It's... nice. But, um, do the instructions say anything else? How to make it... enjoyable? I don't understand how it could be so popular.”

“Let me see... here, this may be it. To activate full functionality of the outfit as intended, released the stored mana charge in the head portion by squeezing both ear tips at once. Perhaps this will give some relief. It may even allow both eyes and mouth to open at once. All this fuss and bother...” Rarity used her magical aura to squeeze the ear tips as indicated.

A rippling shimmer of dark purple mana ran along the suit from head to tail and ear tips to hooves. The suit reacted very swiftly to that. First the mouth zipper shut very quickly and firmly. Then the material gave a tremendous creak and suddenly squeezed inward, molding perfectly to Fluttershy's body. The molding extended to the wing covers, forming tight to the wings then suddenly slamming them to the sides of the suit. The cups at the belly went down to a reasonable size, pulling in to cup at the real swells of flesh beneath.

The process shocked both ponies, and happened so quickly neither could respond intelligently. Once it was concluded, however, Fluttershy responded quite violently. She reared up, with as much dexterity as the clinging garment would allow and kicked her legs, attempting to reach up for the mask that clung to her. The small breathing ports rang with her muffled squeaks and squeals. The held-down wings struggled and twitched, signs of her desperate attempts to flap them. She struggled and twitched in place for a time before she started to charge around the room, toppling everything in her path and slamming into the walls and furniture over and over.

During Fluttershy's struggle Rarity was in a blind panic, trying to pull down the zippers, pull off pieces or somehow deactivate the strange effect. When the galloping and thrashing thwarted her attempts she turned to the manual and flipped through it with a frantic desperation. “Deactivation, deactivation, deactivation... what sort of manual is this?! What kind of product is this? Is there a tech support number?!”

ATTN: Tarantella Adult Novelty and Specialty Attire Company, Inc,

Enclosed pleased find all the material of a Tarantella 3000 Gimp Suit, rent to pieces. It was shipped to me in error, a situation which shall not be repeated in the future, once the manner in which such a confusion happened is discovered and rectified. On attempting to see how the suit functioned my model and marefriend was subjected to a horror that shall never be repeated again, I assure you. This suit makes a mockery of all things fashionable. I care not how many noble endorsements you have. If the nobles feel comfortable in such a monstrosity, that is their business. But I will certainly never endorse such a product nor you, the company which made it. And you will find my words are both powerful and far-reaching. Fire your designers, and your manual-writers. It was useless once the activation had occurred. And was filled with grammatical errors. The proper form is sub. or subj. as preferred by the writer.

Our business is thus concluded.

Rarity, co-proprietress of Carousel Boutique, Ponyville

Flarity 2.5: Deleted Scene

“Ah-ha! Here it is! Worry not, Darling, I have found the number.” Rarity pushed the buttons on the phone, carefully following the number written in the manual.

“Hello! And thank you for calling the Tarantella Adult Novelty and Specialty Attire Company technical support line...” the voice on the other line sounded distant but cheerful and potentially helpful.

“Yes! Hello! I need emergency help with...” Rarity began.

“Please hold while we transfer you to our United Colonies call center. One moment, please!”

“What was that?! Call center?! United Colonies?!”

All of a sudden the line clicked over, and a chipper but raspy and deep voice said, ”Thank you for call tech support. Have tried deactivating and reactivating?”

Rarity looked down at her phone in stunned disbelief while Fluttershy continued to mumble, squeak and bump into things in the background. “What are you even... I cannot do such a thing, there is no self-evident way on the accursed thing to tell me how that might be done! And your instructions are pure gibberish!”

The voice on the other end of the line was completely unperturbed, and smoothly proceeded on with, “Okay, understand. Good. Have tried removing parts?”

“No I have not done that either because they are locked and sealed on by the mana force and by the zippers!”

“Oh yes. Have tried undo zippers? Common problem.”

“No, I have not 'tried undo zippers' as you so quaintly put it. The zippers are magically locked in place along with all the rest of the pieces! Do you understand that?!” Rarity was reaching her boiling point, and getting here faster the more she heard the fumbling thumps of her marefriend.

“Okay, no need for getting mad. We try magic release first. Have mana-infused fluorite dongle tool?”

That did it. Rarity slammed the phone down with a huge clatter. She screamed a fashionista battle cry of incoherent rage and leaped at the suit, several kinds of scissors held in her magical grip.

Author's Note

Not so much a deleted scene really, but I hadn't thought of it before. It sort of breaks the "you never see what happens" cutaway humor. But the call center gag (suggested by Noble Cause) was too tempting.