They used to say that in space, nobody could hear you scream. Those were the times when planets were thought to be unpopulated and colonies were the fantasies of stargazing dreamers. Those were the days when the question of whether or not humans were alone in the universe was brushed off by ignorant politicians and intelligent experts as science fiction. Back then, television shows and movies were the only times that mankind ever saw aliens. More often than not, the aliens were portrayed as grotesque, remorseless creatures who held no value for the ‘mostly harmless’ human race. Some had grey skin, some had phallic tentacles and others were giant pepper pots who would kill humans with an egg whisk.
For the most part, these assumptions of alien life were true and the crew of the Starship Enterprise had done their fair share of screaming under the command of Captain James Tiberius Kirk. Hell, even Kirk confessed to screaming. Once. When he was left for dead on a planet with a former love.
Space was not empty now and if someone screamed about an alien attack, the Enterprise would hear their cries for help. What’s more, Kirk would always take such situations seriously, as was the duty of a Starfleet Officer.
And yet he was struggling to reconcile his own beliefs with his actions on this particular star date. Even after Khan and Klingons and some trouble with Tribbles, Kirk had no faith that anyone in the galaxy would believe the Enterprise’s new cargo.
“Captain’s Log,” Kirk began his monologue, much to the secret chagrin of everyone else on the Enterprise who all wished the captain would write in his diary in private like everyone else did, “Star date 13.37.012. In response to a distress call the Enterprise received from the Omega Quadrant, we made our rendezvous with a-“
“Hold on a minute,” a small voice called up from the right hand side of the Captain’s chair, “Ron… Day… Voo…”
“Spike, you shouldn’t eavesdrop on people like that!” A purple unicorn reminded her dragon friend of his manners, “A diary is where somepony keeps her most precious, personal and private thoughts! It’s important for friends to respect each other’s right to privacy.”
“Sorry Twilight,” Spike apologised, putting the quill back in his magical dragon pocket, “I’m just so bored; we’ve been sitting in this flying saucer for days and nothing’s happened!”
“Better get used to it, sugarcube!” Another pony shouted over from under her giant hat, kicking the navigation panel out of habit, “This ‘ere… ‘computer’… Uh, thing, says we ain’t getting back to Equestria for three million years.”
“What’s the big deal, Applejack?” Kirk felt his temples begin to pound as a rainbow-coloured pony with feathered wings glided over his head without a care in the world, “That’s three million years of vacation time! Three million years without somepony being all, ‘Rainbow Dash, clear this, Rainbow Dash, move that, Rainbow Dash, get your head out of the clouds and stop-your-awesome-Wonderbolts-training-because-you’re-making-us-so-jelly’! I don’t know about you girls, but I plan to chillax and make the most of it!”
“Rainbow, this is serious business!” Twilight lectured her ‘chillaxed’ friend, galloping to the front of the Enterprise Bridge to address everyone, “Who knows what could happen over the course of three million years? Who’s to say that there will even be a Ponyville to go home to?”
“N… N… No Ponyville?” A worried little Pegasus pony squeaked from her hiding place under Captain Kirk’s chair, “B… B… But… Angel, and all my furry little animals… I-I-I have to get back! Who will look after them? Or look after me?”
“For goodness’ sake Fluttershy, stop fretting about your furry friends, they’ll be fine!” Rainbow Dash assured her with an apathetic wave of her hoof.
“We’ll all be fine, y’all!” Applejack promised, “Just so long as we all stick together! Right, Twi?”
Twilight Sparkle nodded as she stared out at the stars, unsure if she was really trying to convince herself or her friends. Kirk meanwhile was getting ever closer to heading back to his quarters for a stiff drink. Unfortunately for him, the only other two people on board who he trusted with command of the Enterprise were… otherwise engaged. Upon meeting the pony referred to as ‘Pinkie Pie’, Mr. Spock had come down with a severe case of self-doubt and a loss of faith. The pink pony’s reality-warping ways cast a dark shadow over the Vulcan teachings of logic and how the universe works. Her ability to burst into songs with invisible musical accompaniment, consume vast quantities of food (leaving the Enterprise’s stocks with nothing more than a tin of dog food and a solitary pea), and produce ‘party cannons’ out of thin air (which were promptly confiscated and sealed for Pinkie Pie’s future war crime tribunal back at Starfleet) left Spock in a catatonic state. Kirk’s heart broke for his closest friend; everything that Spock – and indeed, every Vulcan – had ever believed in, had been made obsolete and false through a single chance meeting with one little pony.
With Spock incapacitated, Kirk would often turn to Dr. McCoy, his ship’s cranky medical officer. Unfortunately as he reported to the beleaguered captain, Dr. McCoy was having problems of his own with Pinkie Pie.
“Damn it Jim, I’ve cut this pony up from head to toe and I’m not sure if I’m doing it for medical science or to stop her laughing for five minutes!”
“Bones, are you saying that the pony is still alive even though you’ve cut her up?”
“Jim it’s not that this pony is alive,” McCoy growled into his communicator, “this pony shouldn’t even exist! She’s got streamers for intestines, kazoos instead of kidneys and when I went looking for her lungs, all I found was a pair of helium balloons!”
“Well that would explain her voice…” Kirk rubbed his eyes as he felt the weight of the universe on his shoulders for the first time in ages. In his younger days, it inspired him. It was motivation to know that he had that kind of pressure but as he approached retirement, he found himself envious of those who went comet-spotting in their shuttles, “Anything else you can tell me?”
“Sure!” McCoy barked, “The second we’re back in space dock, I’m hitting the bar for a five-year vacation.”
“Save me a bar stool,” The Captain groaned, “Kirk out.”
“Captain, I’m picking up a new transmission.” Lieutenant Uhura announced with a look of complete discomfort, giving Kirk no time to search his pocket for painkillers, “It’s an awful sound! Like some kind of high-pitched shrieking… or a whining…”
“Where’s it coming from?” Kirk asked.
“This can’t be right,” Uhura observed as all the ponies huddled around her, “Captain, it’s coming from your quarters!”
“My quarters?” Kirk repeated, about to jump out of his seat when suddenly the transmission played out through the bridge for all to hear and suffer from.
“… AND I CANNOT BELIEVE THESE FACILITIES! YOU SERIOUSLY EXPECT ME TO STAND UP AND SHOWER? IF I AM GOING TO BE STUCK HERE FOR THREE MILLION YEARS, I WANT TO SPEND IT IN A HOT BUBBLE BATH SURROUNDED BY SCENTED CANDLES! I WILL NOT STAND IN A TINY BOX AND GET RAINED ON! I DEMAND TO HAVE AN UMBRELLA IF I AM GOING TO BE RAINED ON! THIS IS ENTIRELY UNACCEPTABLE, WHERE IN CELESTIA’S NAME AM I SUPPOSED TO PUT MY BATH ROBE? FOR THAT MATTER, WHERE IS MY BATH ROBE?!”
“Rarity!” All the ponies exclaimed at once.
“Twilight? Is that you, my dear?” Rarity asked in a much softer tone.
“Yes! We’re on the bridge! Rainbow Dash, Fluttershy and Applejack are here too!” Twilight answered, relieved to hear that her friend was okay, her complaints about the shower notwithstanding.
“What about Pinkie Pie?”
“Err… I… don’t think the Captain took too kindly to her party cannons,” Twilight took liberties with the truth as she explained, “speaking of which, I’m not sure he’d take too kindly to you using his shower either.”
“Oh darling, I didn’t use his shower, heavens no!” Rarity laughed, “No, I was merely critiquing it. I could never bathe in such a tight space comfortably. Although I must admit, the cubicle’s shade of blue beautifully complements my mane, so if I didn’t have any other choice, I could…”
“Wait a minute!” Kirk interrupted, “My shower cubicle isn’t blue. Nobody’s shower cubicle is blue. We all have the beige cubicles as standard with Starfleet vessels!”
“Oh!” Rarity suddenly yelped over the speakers, “Please do excuse me! I had absolutely no idea that I was interrupting… umm… anything!”
“Uhh, Rarity, the Captain was the one who interrupted you.” Rainbow Dash told her.
“N-No, it’s not that, Rainbow Dash… It’s… Oh my, this is really… something…”
Suddenly, the transmission cut off at Rarity’s end and she was lost to her friends with a crackle of audible static. The ponies all gasped and muttered amongst themselves as Kirk, sensing danger, instructed a security team to proceed directly to his quarters. Somehow, something else had made its way onto the Enterprise, which was already far more busy with unwelcome guests than Kirk had desired.
“Captain!” Uhura exclaimed again, “I have another transmission coming through, this time from outside. It’s strange… Hundreds, maybe thousands and they’re all shouting. They sound angry.”
“On speakers.” Kirk instructed and before he could even take his seat, a ferocious chant filled the bridge of the Enterprise. It was not often that one word could terrify a crew as hardened as Kirk’s, but as the staccato growl grew in volume and became clearer with each reiteration, the captain and his crew felt their fear grow. Whoever was out there could probably hear the hearts of every person on board pounding viciously, even over the sounds of their own sinister call to war.
“EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINATE. EXTERMINATE.”
“Woah!” Rainbow Dash broke the bridge’s silence in a somewhat understated way, “What is that?”
“Ah don’t know,” Applejack stammered as she pointed forward with her hoof, “but ah sure hope it ain’t nothin’ to do with that!”
Through the giant screen in front of them, the ponies and Enterprise crew members watched – stunned – as an enormous flying saucer spun and levitated outside before their very eyes. It made no adversarial gesture but it was safe to assume that, from the voices of the ship’s occupants, it could open fire at a moment’s notice.
“Everypony stay calm!” Twilight Sparkle proclaimed, “I’m sure whoever they are, we can easily negotiate a way to resolve whatever differences we may have. Isn’t that right, Captain?”
“Put them on screen.” Kirk ordered, ignoring Twilight’s opinion. The last thing he needed was to have his authority undermined by a unicorn, “This is Captain James T. Kirk of the USS Enterprise…”
“Hey AJ,” Rainbow Dash snickered as she whispered to her friend in a hushed voice, “What do you think the ‘T’ stands for? I mean, it’s got to be something really embarrassing, right? Like ‘Tinkerbell’?”
“Yeah, or maybe ‘Twinkie’!” Applejack guffawed.
“Umm… ‘Tree’?” Fluttershy meekly offered, not quite as quick-witted as her two mischievous friends.
“Girls, we’re at risk of being attacked here!” Twilight Sparkle put her hoof down, “This is no laughing matter!”
“Or,” Rainbow Dash gleamed, “maybe the ‘T’ stands for ‘Twilight’ and he’s like a just-as-serious you from another dimension!”
Twilight Sparkle rolled her eyes as Rainbow Dash blew raspberries at her; somepony had been paying a little too much attention to cartoons.
“… And so, we request open dialogue with the captain of your ship. There’s no need for us to fight.”
As Kirk concluded his request, the occupants of the flying saucer appeared on the monitor. They were machines; ones which gave no indication of sentience other than a single glowing eyestalk and a pair of bulbs on their domed heads, which flashed with each word uttered. The centrepiece of their body was adorned with two arms; one for manipulation and the other for devastation. As the trio focused straight ahead, the Enterprise crew had no doubt that they were being watched, even though there was no indication that these machines were alive. Until they spoke and once again, their words were enough to petrify.
“YOU ARE CORRECT.” The machine in the middle screamed from the monitor.
“Good,” Kirk nodded, cautiously, “then if you could explain why…”
“THERE IS NO NEED FOR US TO FIGHT. THERE WILL BE NO FIGHT.”
“Again, I’m relieved to hear that,” Kirk assured the machines, “it’s just…”
“THERE WILL BE NO FIGHT. NO BATTLE. NO STRUGGLE. THERE WILL ONLY BE -YOUR- ANNIHILATION IF YOU DO NOT HAND OVER THE TARDIS TO THE DALEKS.”
“Daleks?” Kirk repeated to himself; the name had no familiarity to him. If only Spock was on the bridge…
“TARDIS?” Twilight wasn’t sure where she had heard that word before but for some reason, it reminded her of somepony.
“WE KNOW THAT YOU ARE HARBOURING TIME LORD TECHNOLOGY. OUR SCANS HAVE INDICATED THAT TECHNOLOGY ON-BOARD YOUR VESSEL. YOU WILL SURRENDER THE TARDIS TO US OR YOU WILL BE EXTERMINATED.”
“We don’t know what you’re talking about!” Kirk pleaded until suddenly a door to the bridge opened unexpectedly, and out walked a tall, thin gentleman with spiked hair and a long coat, carrying a white unicorn on his back.
“Good thing… I got here… just in… time, oof!” The stranger dropped the unicorn down, somewhat ungracefully.
“Rarity!” The ponies huddled around and cuddled their much-missed friend.
“Rarity, are you okay?” Spike asked, noticing something somehow… different about Rarity.
“Oh I’m quite alright; I just took a bit of a tumble into a swimming pool. In a library. In a time machine. Which is bigger inside than out.” Rarity explained to her bewildered friends as she whipped her wet mane, “Still, it was very generous of this lovely gentleman to carry me around.”
“You wouldn’t stop complaining about how you sprained your hoof until I offered!” The stranger protested as he pulled himself up and dusted himself down, “And you’re galloping just fine now!”
“You called yourself a ‘Doctor’!” Rarity retorted, “What kind of Doctor can’t fix a filly up when she falls down?”
“A Doctor with something more important on his mind.” The Doctor replied defiantly as he stared down his deadliest enemies on the monitor, “You came all this way, spinning through Omega Quadrants, Neutral Zones and even through wormholes just for me? I have to be honest; I stopped finding it flattering about 700 years ago. Now you’re just being clingy.”
“DOCTOR!” The commanding Dalek shrieked, “YOU HAVE NOWHERE LEFT TO RUN. IN THREE HUNDRED RELLS, THE DALEK LEGION WILL ARRIVE IN THIS UNIVERSE AND DESTROY YOU IF YOU DO NOT SURRENDER YOUR TARDIS TO US. SURRENDER. SURRENDER. SURRENDER!”
“I have ‘nowhere left to run’?” The Doctor smirked, “I’m in space on a starship with a warp drive and I have a time machine and you think you can threaten me with ‘nowhere left to run’?”
“YOU HAVE UNDERESTIMATED THE PLOT OF THE DALEKS, DOCTOR. THE STARSHIP IS COMPROMISED FROM WITHIN, YOU WILL ALL BE EXTER-“
“H-Hold it!” Rainbow Dash flew over to the monitor, tears in her eyes as she tried to hold back her laughter, “Did… Did you just say ‘plot’?”
“… YES. THE DALEKS' PLOT.” The Dalek Commander confirmed, sending Rainbow Dash into howls of uncontrollable giggles whilst the other ponies groaned over their friend’s all-too-familiar immaturity.
“That is priceless!” Rainbow Dash chuckled to herself, “This is so awesome! Hey, can you guys say ‘Flank’ and ‘Horseapples’ in your funky robot voice too?”
Silently, the Dalek Commander’s dome turned to his subordinate Dalek on the left.
“… FLAAAANK.” The Dalek drone croaked in its mechanical, deadpan voice, “… HORSE… APPLES.”
Again, Rainbow Dash burst into fits of giggles and fell on her back, kicking her legs in delight, as the Doctor turned to Kirk and Twilight Sparkle with a look of confusion. The captain and the unicorn responded with the same expression.
“So wait,” The Doctor intervened, stepping closer to the monitor, “you said ‘compromised from within’. What do you mean ‘compromised from within’?”
“YOU HAVE ALREADY LOST, DOCTOR. BEHOLD; THE DALEKS' DEADLIEST AND MOST DANGEROUS OF ALLIANCES!”
Out of nowhere, Sulu – who had not said a word all day – suddenly leapt to his feet and fired a bolt of energy directly at Uhura, striking her to the ground! Alarmed, Kirk ran over to his second most-cherished crewmate and cradled her in his arms as she whispered her final words to the captain.
“I…” Uhura croaked, “I… always loved…”
“Uhura?” Kirk shook her body, desperately trying to fight back tears and keep Uhura hanging on to life.
“Captain… I…” Uhura whispered as her eyelids flickered, “… I fucking love ponies.”
And with that, Uhura let out a final cleansing sigh and her arms fell limp by her sides. Kirk knew that she was gone, but could not understand why Sulu had killed her with his laser hands.
“Why, Sulu?” Kirk spat, “Why would you do this?”
“Oh Captain,” Sulu smiled, “Sulu wouldn’t, but someone else would!”
The tone of Sulu’s voice shifted dramatically with those final words and a gust of wind blew around him so strong that even Rainbow Dash couldn’t keep control of her flight. Everyone held on to something and watched in awe as the pigmentation of Sulu’s skin turned grey and his eyes widened with a crimson glow. As he bulged out of his Starfleet uniform with a muscular form that begged belief, the Doctor pleaded with the Daleks for an explanation but it seemed that even they were in awe of what was transpiring on the Enterprise Bridge!
“Ancient spirits of evil! Transform this decayed form into Mumm-Ra, The Ever-Living!”
With a banshee howl, the man that Captain Kirk had come to know and revere as Hikaru Sulu was no more. Where Sulu once stood, the giant demon known as Mumm-Ra took a proud, defiant stance, prepared for a physical fight that nobody on board the Enterprise was capable of winning!
“Did I say ‘clingy’?” The Doctor peered around Mumm-Ra’s gargantuan form to face the Daleks once again, “I meant ‘cowardly’! The mighty Dalek legion sending a double-agent to do their dirty work? That’s a new low.”
“YOUR OPINIONS ARE OF NO RELEVANCE, DOCTOR.” The Dalek Commander replied, triumphantly, “MUMM-RA, YOU HAVE YOUR INSTRUCTIONS! FOLLOW OUR ORDERS!”
“Wait!” Kirk interrupted, getting back to his feet, “Why would ‘Mumm-Ra The Ever-Living’ take orders?”
“Yeah, y’all are much bigger and stronger than them there Daleks,” Applejack agreed, “So what are y’all getting out of this?”
“Puny insects!” Mumm-Ra bellowed as thunder rolled from an unknown place, “For the simple task of destroying you and delivering the Doctor’s precious time machine, the Daleks will give Mumm-Ra the Sword of Omens, and with it, the power that Mumm-Ra needs to conquer the galaxy!”
As Mumm-Ra cackled and thunder mysteriously rolled once more, Twilight Sparkle cautiously approached him, curious about the Sword of Omens and what it could do. Before Mumm-Ra could explain, an easily-recognisable high-pitched squeal could be heard wandering out of the elevator door.
“Is this is? Is it? I bet it is! Do I win the scavenger hunt? What prize do I get? What game do you want to play next? Huh? Huh? Huh?”
Swinging around the Sword of Omens as if it were a toy, Pinkie Pie skipped across the bridge of the Enterprise to the amazement of everyone.
“Another pony?” The Doctor ruffled his hair, “Is this the Land of Fiction? Did I land in Dream Valley by accident again?”
“Pinkie Pie! Be careful with that!” Twilight Sparkle cautioned her bubbly friend.
“Wait… You’re alive? Without a scratch on you? Where’s Doctor McCoy?” Kirk babbled.
“The Doctor’s right over there, silly!” Pinkie Pie giggled, pointing a hind leg at the Doctor, more interested in playing with the Sword of Omens.
“No, I mean, where’s my Doctor?” Kirk elaborated, chasing Pinkie Pie around the bridge of the Enterprise.
“I don’t know! Why, are you hurt? Are you sick? Sad? Do you need a Doctor?” Pinkie Pie waffled on as she led Kirk directly into a low-hanging panel on the ceiling, knocking the captain unconscious.
“Ooops!” Pinkie giggled, “Yep, you do need a Doctor!”
“And I need that sword!” Mumm-Ra grunted. He jumped at Pinkie Pie with a roar, but was quickly suspended in mid-air by the combined magic of Twilight and Rarity’s unicorn powers.
“What witchcraft is this?” Mumm-Ra growled as Pinkie’s eyes began to glow bright pink and she held the Sword of Omens above her head.
“Pinkie… Pinkie… Pinkie… PINKIE PIE! HOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!”
With a brilliant flash of pink, Mumm-Ra’s body was torn to shreds as Pinkie Pie channelled the power of the Sword of Omens and vanquished the demon into oblivion! Completely confused, but satisfied all the same, the Doctor turned to the Daleks on the monitor with hands in his pockets and prepared to bask in the glow of victory.
“So, Mumm-Ra The ‘Ever-Living’?” The Doctor smiled, “Just so you know, when something sounds too good to be true, it usually is.”
“THE DALEKS WERE PREPARED FOR MUMM-RA’S INFERIORITY.” The Dalek Commander sneered, defiantly, “THE DALEKS’… PLAN WILL NOW BE EXECUTED. ACTIVATING CHEKOV BOMB!”
“‘Chekov Bomb’? What’s a ‘Chekov Bomb’?” The Doctor asked, before watching Chekov – who had also said nothing all day – rise slowly from his feet and remove his head.
“I,” Chekov proclaimed, “am a bomb!”
As everyone started to panic and flail at the prospect of being blown up, Applejack simply rolled her eyes, marched up to Chekov and bucked with her mighty hind legs, sending Chekov and his body bomb hurtling through the ceiling of the Enterprise Bridge and out into space. Chekov exploded at a distance that Applejack predicted as roughly about eleventy bazillion light years away.
“Is that all you got?” Applejack challenged the Daleks.
“Actually now that we’ve got a very prominent hole in the ship’s ceiling,” The Doctor leaned down and explained to Applejack, “we all have an estimated five minutes of oxygen left.”
“CORRECT, DOCTOR.” The Dalek Commander re-affirmed, “YOU HAVE LOST. THE DALEKS HAVE WON. VICTORY! VICTORY! VICTORY!”
“It’s not over yet!” Twilight Sparkle proclaimed to the Daleks as her pony friends surrounded her, “C’mon girls, it’s morphin’ time!”
“Honesty!”
“Laughter!”
“Kindness!”
“Generosity!”
“Loyalty!”
“Magic!”
The Doctor and the gradually-coming-around Captain Kirk held onto panels and stared around in awe as the Starship Enterprise’s interior began to twist and turn. Before them, the six ponies levitated in front of the monitor and took their seats. Spike bounced on top of the Doctor’s head and the two of them watched in amazement on the computer screen as the Starship Enterprise completed its transformation…
Into a giant robot unicorn!
“Let’s show the Daleks what true friendship can do!” Twilight announced.
“Vengeance in the name of style against those tacky light bulbs!” Rarity vowed.
“Yee-haw! Time to send y’all back to where y’all came from!” Applejack declared.
“Woo hoo! Orbital Party Cannon armed and ready!” Pinkie Pie proclaimed.
“Get ready to taste the rainbow tin heads!” Rainbow Dash yelled.
“Umm… Hmm… Umm… Yay?” Fluttershy squeaked.
And with that, the horn atop the giant robot unicorn flashed a glorious rainbow filled with candies and cupcakes, all of which exploded violently upon striking the Dalek ship! Frantically trying to prevent their destruction, the Daleks’ image faded from the monitor, giving the ponies a perfect view of the Dalek ship as it burst into flames and exploded!
“Woo hoo! We did it! I can’t believe we did it!” Fluttershy bounced on her seat triumphantly.
“Together!” Twilight Sparkle added, “We did it together!”
“Huh…” The Doctor scratched the back of his neck, “First time in 900 years that I’ve seen something like… that.”
“So ah guess that solves everything, right?” Applejack smiled, “Ah mean, aside from runnin’ out of oxygen an’ all?”
“Almost everything,” Twilight Sparkle galloped over to the groggy Captain Kirk, straight-faced, “Have you ever known a starship captain so dense, so wrapped up in his own little word, that he never noticed that one of his crew members was a bomb? I think it’s time we found out what the ‘T’ in Captain James T. Kirk really stands for!”
Biting on the captain’s cheek, Twilight Sparkle pulled off his mask to reveal Captain James T. Kirk’s true identity. Immediately, everyone recoiled and gasped.
“Trixie?!” Everypony spoke in unison.
“It’s ‘The Great and Powerful Trixie’ to you foals!” Trixie pouted.
“But Trixie, why did you do this?” Twilight asked.
“I think I know the answer to this,” The Doctor announced, “and I’ll explain everything in the TARDIS whilst I’m taking you all home.”
“Pesky ponies! Meddling mares!” Trixie sulked as the Doctor and his new pony friends gave a hearty laugh. With Trixie bound and gagged, they walked into the elevator where the TARDIS was waiting for them, forever friends. As the door closed behind them, Skeletor suddenly burst his head through the navigation panel, but then the oxygen ran out and Skeletor died.
The End. Or is it? No.
Smorgasbord II – The Manehattan Incident.
Having escaped the insanity of the Starship Enterprise’s bridge, the ponies found themselves faced with the further insanity of the TARDIS. With an entire world seemingly contained in a small blue box, each pony had their own ways of dealing with the alien culture shock. Twilight Sparkle was fascinated by the science of the time machine. The Great and Powerful Trixie was too distracted by how great and powerful she was. The rest were pretty much just bored and wanted to get back to Equestria already.
The problem was that Equestria was three million years away. Thankfully, the Doctor could speed the journey up significantly.
“So you’re going to take us forward in time and space, and that’ll get us back to Equestria in…?” Rainbow Dash nudged the Doctor for clarification, raising her eyebrows in doubt as she flew around the time rotor and watched the Time Lord hammer away on a myriad of colourful, unlabelled buttons.
“Ten seconds flat!” The Doctor proudly proclaimed, “Give or take a few seconds if she decides to take a detour, of course.”
“She?” Rarity repeated as she lay on a nearby makeshift couch, wearily running a hoof through her wet mane.
“The TARDIS. She sometimes gets sidetracked.” The Doctor replied, biting his lip.
“S-Sidetracked?” Fluttershy whimpered from an unseen corner of the console room.
“Well,” The Doctor smiled nervously, “replace ‘sidetracked’ with ‘lost’ and ‘sometimes’ with ‘usually’. But it’ll be fine! A little adventure is good for the soul!”
“Beggin’ yer pardon Doctor,” Applejack strode up to him, looking up from under her hat, “but we get enough adventure back home in Equestria, so if y’all wouldn’t mind just takin’ us right back home, we ponyfolk can handle the adventurin’ part ourselves, y’hear?”
“I found candy!” Pinkie Pie squealed from underneath the console, ignored by everypony as Twilight Sparkle walked over to Applejack and the Doctor. Having spent her time on the TARDIS so far curiously studying the controls, concept and kookiness of the machine, the prized pupil of Princess Celestia couldn’t hide her intrigue.
“I think we’re making mountains out of molehills AJ,” Twilight said, “I don’t think it would be such a crisis if the TARDIS did get lost. After all, it’s a time machine! If we end up where we don’t want to be, we could just hop back in and try again!”
“Twilight, there’s an old Apple family sayin’, which ah reckon y’all need to hear,” Applejack glared at her friend, “Y’all shouldn’t never go harvestin’ hayseeds when all y’all got are horseapple hunches.”
The Doctor and all the ponies were silent for a brief moment, trying to properly digest what Applejack had just said. There was meaning to it somewhere but not matter how hard they all concentrated, neither of them could figure it out. Their deep thoughts even drowned out Pinkie Pie’s endless squeals about having found candy.
“Err, AJ?” Rainbow Dash got tired of the persistent silence, “What the hay are you talking about?”
“Ah mean y’all are puttin’ a lot of faith in a machine that we just been told won’t even work the way it’s meant to.”
“Applejack for Celestia’s sake, I’m sure the Doctor knows what he’s doing!” Rarity called over from her vantage point beside the bound-and-gagged Trixie.
“Ah ain’t sayin’ nothin’ bad about the Doctor, Rarity!” Applejack retorted through gritted teeth, “Ah was talkin’ about this ‘ere time machine, is all! Ah got a bad feelin’ about this!”
“I found candy!” Pinkie Pie piped up again, holding a Marathon bar in her mouth as she bounced up from under the console. Upon seeing the ancient chocolate, the Doctor’s face was immediately drained of colour. He dived under the console to find an open panel surrounded by exposed circuitry. At the centre of the panel’s interior was a vacant space where the chocolate bar once powered the TARDIS’ High Octane Meshugganator – a vital component for the time machine’s navigation system! Before he could even exclaim in shock, the panel exploded with a bizarre ball of green flame! A series of violent sparks sent the Doctor flying backwards through the air, ricocheting against one of the console room’s columns, and plummeting face first to the floor!
As Rainbow Dash hurriedly tried to perform the Heimlich maneuverer on Pinkie Pie, who had already devoured the precious chocolate bar, Twilight Sparkle rushed over to the Doctor’s side. Panicked, she called his name and nuzzled him to wake up. Turning over his face, everypony was horrified by what they were faced with.
“Doctor!” Twilight Sparkle exclaimed, walking hesitantly backwards, “What happened to your face?”
Rarity fainted as the Doctor stood up and revealed his new skeletal face to everypony in the console room. His shirt and jacket collars were singed with burns, yet his hair and sideburns remained. There was no flesh to speak of and his eyes had vanished.
“I am the Doctor,” the tall skeletal Time Lord spoke with a distorted voice, “and you are all ill.”
“Huh? We’re all perfectly fine Doc, what are you talking about?” Rainbow Dash protested as Fluttershy cowered behind her, petrified by the Doctor’s booming voice – so raspy that it was almost indecipherable; as though a storm was raging in the Doctor’s larynx.
“I am the Doctor,” he reiterated, turning his attention to Rainbow Dash. His neck creaked as he did, sending a chill shooting through the pegasus’ spine like a Wonderbolt, “and I want to help you.”
With those words spoken, the TARDIS console room filled with electrical humming until suddenly, all of the lights went out with a bang! The only source of light was the time rotor, which Twilight Sparkle quickly called for the other ponies to gather around.
“Everypony okay?” Applejack asked, worried more for her friends’ safety than her own.
“The Doc said we’d be back in Equestria in ten seconds flat, so what gives?” Rainbow Dash complained, slamming her hooves on the console.
“Well I can’t spend three million years in total darkness! I can’t even see my own hooves in front of my face!” Rarity proclaimed, as Fluttershy quivered beside her.
“I’m not sure I can spend three more minutes in total darkness!” Fluttershy squeaked.
“Mmm-Mmm-Mmm-Mmm!” Trixie moaned through her ball gag.
“That candy wasn’t too good…” Pinkie writhed against the console, clutching her stomach, “Tasted… kinda… tangy…”
“Well, whatever’s going on, only the Doctor has the answer!” Twilight Sparkle deduced, “So when we find the Doctor, we’ll find out what’s going on!”
As she spoke, the TARDIS doors swung open with a vicious, angry roar! A peachy glow illuminated the console room and a fierce gust of wind swept everypony up in a small hurricane, sending them careering out of the doors and into the void!
***
Free of her binds and staggering onto all fours, Trixie gasped in elation. She recognised this place – It was her family’s Bel Mare Mansion! The Doctor had done it! She was back in Equestria! And seeing as nopony knew where she was, Trixie figured that she probably wouldn’t be reprimanded for her… controversial actions. Smartening up her mane and dusting down her flank, Trixie strode across the elegant country manor grounds the way that only the Great and Powerful Trixie knew how. Kicking open the door as Trixie was always in the habit of doing when she came home from Magic High School, she sang out to her guardian.
“Uncle Filly! Trixie is home!”
“Trixie, where the hay have you been?” Uncle Filly stormed up to Trixie. Uncle Filly’s exaggerated hoof stomps and large girth practically caused the walls of the mansion to shake. The balding, perpetually grumpy mare of the house stood over Trixie and glared at her. “And what did you do with my wagon?”
“Wagon?” Trixie thought back. She had taken Uncle Filly’s classic Marecedes Barnz wagon out one evening during her school days and crashed it without his knowledge. But it was years ago! Was… this a time travel trouble? Was the dumb cowpony… right? “Uncle Filly, puh-lease! The wagon is fine!”
“Oh I’m confident of that, Trixie!” Uncle Filly growled, “Because I’m sure you’re aware how much that wagon cost me, and for your sake, my wagon had better be fine! And for your sake, it had better be sitting in my stable when I walk out the front door of my house to go and see it!”
“W-Wait, Uncle Filly!” Trixie protested, stammering, “Check yourself before you wreck yourself! I feel really, really bad for getting the wagon lost, so how about I clean it up for you before you see it? It’ll be as good as new, you’ll see!”
“BETTER THAN NEW!” Uncle Filly bellowed, towering over Trixie with steam billowing out of his ears in rage.
“Th-The best wagon in all Equestria, sir!” Trixie staggered back towards the front door.
“Better than those in Canterlot?”
“B-Better than Princess Celestia’s own private carriage, sir!”
“All right, Trixie…” Uncle Filly sneered, “Do not let me down!”
With that, Uncle Filly strode slowly backwards into the kitchen, laughing in a manner most maniacal. Trixie was frozen to the spot – This was not her time.
***
Sat at the end of a long trough, Pinkie Pie was still clutching her stomach in agony. Whatever was in that chocolate bar wasn’t really chocolate at all. Perhaps it was once, a long time ago, but it wasn’t chocolate anymore. She lay her chin down and groaned in a manner most uncharacteristic for the pink pony who loved to party. Staring down, Pinkie was strangely nauseated by the trough being full of cupcakes. Somewhere in the distance, concealed by darkness, a fiddler-playing pony could be heard playing and tap dancing on the floor. Pinkie Pie had no idea where she was or why. She just knew that she wanted to leave.
“Ugh…”
A moan was all that Pinkie Pie could muster as the tempo of the fiddler’s music started to speed up at an unbearably higher pitch. At the far end of the trough, an enormous pair of pulsating green eyes stared back at Pinkie. She swallowed hard in fear. The eyes belonged to the largest, thickest, gooiest chocolate cake she had ever seen! It had five layers of decadent sponge and was topped with a chocolate fountain. In between each layer, the cake squelched and belched gallons of creamy melted chocolate. It was still warm; Pinkie recognised the aroma distinctly.
And Pinkie also recognised the cake itself. It was Granny Pie’s birthday cake. It was Granny Pie’s last birthday cake. The night before the party, Pinkie Pie got hungry and indulged in a midnight snack. One slice turned into two slices. Then four. Then eight. And by morning, it had been a midnight feast. Pinkie had helped herself to what would be Granny Pie’s final birthday cake.
There it was once again. But this time, the cake was alive.
Practically spewing hot chocolate sauce everywhere, the centre of the cake opened up to reveal dripping fangs, salivating for Pinkie Pie and hungry for revenge. Too uncomfortable to move, Pinkie Pie could do nothing but what Pinkie Pie did best – giggle. As the cake chomped its way down the trough of cupcakes though, Pinkie Pie’s giggles gradually became whimpers. This had to be a bad dream! It had to be!
***
Sent rolling by the force of the wind through a red velvet curtain, Applejack stumbled onto the stage – head over hooves – and tripped just at the edge. Managing to hold on, Applejack dragged herself up and found herself faced with the back of a large armchair. Rolling her eyes, she stomped her hoof on the stage floor. She had had enough!
“Okay, what in tarnation is going on here?“
“Step backwards,” a familiar immature voice spoke, “onto the X please.”
“Oh, beggin’ yer pardon,” Applejack did so, suddenly jolting back as a microphone stand shot up out of the stage floor in front of her, “what in Celestia’s name is goin’ on around here?”
“An audition.” The voice squeaked. Applejack’s eyes narrowed. She knew that voice!
“An audition? For what? Where are my friends?“
“Yer friends are all facin’ trials,” the high-pitched stranger interrupted, “jus’ lahk you. Yer here t’ audition for the part of Applejack the earth pony in the reality y’all know as ‘Life’. If y’all pass the audition, ya get cured and returned to reality. But if y’all don’t pass, y’all be gettin’ replaced.”
“Replaced?” Rarity raised an eyebrow in bewilderment, “Replaced by who?”
“By yer judge.” The voice replied.
“An’ mah judge would be?”
“Me, sis!”
Startled, Applejack gasped at the sight of Applebloom in the judge’s chair. Her younger sister certainly looked… different. Clad in a velour gown, Applebloom had a sinister grin on her face and was tenderly stroking Applejack’s pet dog, Winona, with an oversized metal claw on her arm.
“Applebloom? Wh-what are y’all doing here? And where are we? What’s goin’ on?” Applejack babbled, flustered.
“The Doctor brought me here!” Applebloom explained, unnervingly cheerful, “Ah’m not sure where ‘here’ is, but he said that all ah had to do was sit here an’ await yer… umm… in-eb-ree-a-shun… or somethin’…”
“OBLITERATION!” The Doctor’s voice boomed from the heavens.
“Obliteration! Yeah! An’ once that happens, I’ll get yer cutie mark! Handed down through the family!”
With an abrupt boom, a large spotlight struck the area where Applejack stood. Shaking the dust out of her line of vision with a hoof, Applejack was faced with just about the most confusing situation she had ever been in. Auditioning for her life? What would happen to her if she didn’t pass the audition? One thing was for sure to Applejack – this wasn’t the Applebloom she knew and loved. It couldn’t possibly be. This was something that the Doctor had done. Whatever was going on, Applejack was going to fight for her cutie mark!
“All right then,” Applejack straightened her brow, defiantly, “what do ah need to do?”
***
“Hello?” Rainbow Dash called out as she glided cautiously through the deserted rainbow factory, “Anypony home?”
This was totally creepy, Rainbow Dash thought. There was no reason why the rainbow factory was left deserted. There was no reason why it even should be deserted! The Doctor said that he would take the ponies back to Equesteria and return them to a point in time a little closer to when they left than when they would’ve been able to return in real time. The eerie silence of the rainbow factory suggested that this truly was the Cloudsdale of three million years into the future. As Rainbow Dash peered around every column and checked out each corner, she grew more concerned for the fate of her fellow pegasi. Where were they? Three million years sounded like a long time. Were the pegasi… extinct?
Shaking her head angrily, Rainbow Dash refused to let herself get sucked into such a crackpot theory. There had to be an explanation! A rational one!
Looking out the window, Rainbow Dash received her explanation! To her relief, everypony was safe and sound outside the factory. They were gathering on one of the largest clouds, which was typically an indication that some kind of fire drill was going on. Thinking that she should probably file in with her fellow pegasi, Rainbow Dash raced outside and joined some of her pony friends at the meeting point.
“Raindrops! Derpy! Thank goodness!” Rainbow Dash whispered as she squeezed in between the two mail mares, “What’s going on? Runaway stormcloud?”
“N-Not exactly, R-Rainbow Dash…” Derpy stammered, sounding deeply troubled.
“Well, what’s the emergency code?” Rainbow Dash asked Raindrops who, much like Derpy, was staring straight up overhead.
“I don’t think Cloudsdale has an emergency code for that!” Raindrops spluttered in terror as she pointed higher into the heavens. Finally following suit, Rainbow Dash looked up too and was immediately petrified by what she saw. It was a planet! A giant metal planet! A giant metal planet with pinchers! It hovered over Cloudsdale, causing the clouds and factories to rumble and shake more aggressively as it slowly got closer. A beam of light emanated from the heart of the planet as it spoke.
“I am Unicron!” The planet’s voice boomed, “And I am the instrument of your destruction!”
Rainbow Dash gulped as her eyes widened. Some days just weren’t worth waking up for.
***
Diving into the bushes to ensure that she wouldn’t be spotted, Fluttershy had spent what had seemed like an eternity running for her life. The forest she was in was beautiful, lush and verdant, but completely unrecognisable, which was nerve-racking enough given that Fluttershy knew her way around every area of forestry in Equestria.
Even more worrying however, was the pair of glowing circles that followed her every move from the second she woke up.
And what was even more worrying than that was the absence of her friends. Fluttershy hoped that they were scattered somewhere within the garden, but the further she ran and the deeper into the forest she found herself, the less likely that seemed to be. Fluttershy wasn’t just scared; she was petrified! There weren’t even any animals that she could make friends with and ask for help from. This forest was completely unlike anything she had ever seen!
Shivering within a myriad of leaves and vines, Fluttershy could hear her invisible chaser calling out.
“This is the voice of the Mysterons… We know that you can hear us, Fluttershy.”
Grabbing her mouth to stop herself squealing, Fluttershy was now even more scared. They’d been just calling her ‘pony’ until now! How did they know her name? And what did they want with her?
And what did they do with her friends?
***
“Okay Lady Rarity, you can open your eyes now!”
“Oh… my stars, I look incredible!”
Rarity had no time to contemplate how she came to be fitted for a wedding gown. She was much to busy enjoying being fitted for a wedding gown! Oh sure, it didn’t make sense and she had no idea why a parade of unicorns were lavishing her with compliments, sequins and diamonds, but Rarity wasn’t about to complain about such pampering! Maybe the TARDIS did get a little lost and dropped Rarity off in her future? Did it really matter? The Doctor and his time machine had very graciously helped Rarity fast-forward to the happiest day of her life! What could possibly go wrong?
“You look beautiful Lady Rarity,” a unicorn praised her, “and I’m sure Prince Blueblood will think just the same when he meets you at the altar!”
Rarity felt her eyelids begin to twitch.
***
As soon as she landed with a thud, Twilight Sparkle wasted no time trying to get her bearings. Through the thick fog, she could just about make out the city of Manehattan! Only… it was in ruins.
Twilight galloped to the edge of the docks and stared out, but couldn’t see another soul for miles. The buildings had toppled and every landmark had been disintegrated. Looking up, Twilight saw the chocolate rain fall in sheets as thick as lead. Immediately, she knew exactly who was behind this. As she spun around to search out her nemesis, Twilight found herself face to knees with an old friend.
“Doctor!” Twilight addressed him. The Doctor was still bearing the damage of the explosion on-board the TARDIS. His clothes were singed and his skin was missing, yet his hair remained in perfect condition. “I think I know who’s behind this!”
“I will show you heaven.” The Doctor announced, again in a disturbing, distorted manner, “What your mind has been keeping from you.”
“Doctor, can’t you hear me?” Twilight asked, as the river behind her began to boil and the ground rumbled. Her head started to ache from the vibrations and noise overwhelming her senses. “We need to find Princess Celestia! We need the Elements of Harmony! Where are my friends?”
“Your Princess is scared.” The Doctor proclaimed. “Your friends are weak. Trapped by their fates. Now you face yours. You can not hide. You are ill. I am the Doctor and I have cured you.”
Turning back to the water, bracing herself for the enemy she expected to see, Twilight Sparkle watched as a serpentine beast rose from the deep with a mighty yawn. In the midst of the awakening, a shot rang out! Twilight fell to the ground and looked over to where the Doctor’s skeletal body lay, unconscious, with a precisely aimed hole in the centre of his forehead. Stunned and confused, Twilight turned back to the river, where she saw – sitting atop a familiar style-conscious sea serpent - a mature, muscular Spike clutching a shotgun.
“Welcome home, Twilight.” Spike growled with a smile, whilst Twilight started to feel faint.
To Be Exaggerated.
