Tea rocks.
No really, this is the best waste of time in the world.
Sitting under the café’s awning, drinking endless tea and watching Canterlot main street… there are probably worse ways to spend your time.
“I say, do I know you?”
You turn to the source of the voice. It’s a unicorn stallion with an awesome mustache and a kickass monocle.
“I, uh… I don’t think so,” you answer.
“Hmm… I’m sure I…” he says, squinting at you. His eyes suddenly light up. “Oh, yes! I believe I’ve seen you in Ponyville! Is that correct?” he says.
“Huh? Oh, yeah, I’m from Ponyville,” you say. You’re not sure how he’d recognized you. Ponyville was a small town, true, but it’s not like he’d know everyone there.
“Well, when you get back there, you must send a friend of mine my regards!” he chirps. “I believe you’ll know her, she owns a shop there.”
“Sure, who is it?” you ask.
“The gorgeous Miss Rarity!” he replies happily.
Your stomach twists for a second. “Uh… sorry, I don’t think she’ll want to talk to me,” you say.
“Why ever not?” the unicorn replies.
“Just… I, um…” you begin, stuttering.
The unicorn raises a hoof. “Say no more, dear boy. I can see it’s a touchy subject. My name is Fancypants, by the way. Perhaps you’ve heard of me?”
Fancypants launches into a spectacular soliloquy on his “extensive business portfolio” and “range of contacts”. You aren’t focusing on a word he says, because something else has caught your attention.
There’s a mare draped across Fancypants’ back. She seems to stare around at complete random, never really focusing in on anything, always having a detached gaze.
You wonder what she’s doing here. You guess she must be a trophy wife of some kind to Fancypants. Although he seems like a nice guy… maybe she’s a genuine wife and just really, really un-talkative? You decide it doesn’t really matter, they’ll both be gone soon.
While you were staring at the mare and making stupid, unfounded judgements about her status in Canterlot society, it seems her random ever-moving gaze settled on you. While you were zoned out, staring at her.
You quickly look down to the floor, blushing. You look up again and the mare smiles reassuringly at you, as if to say that you haven’t done anything wrong. Which you hadn’t, really. You focus back in on Fancypants, who is mercifully ending his stupid story.
“and that, dear boy, is how I built my first factory! Now, I’m sure you’re wanting to hear how I built the subsequent 30 other factories…” he says.
“No!” you scream. He looks shocked for a second. “I mean, uhh… I’d love to hear the rest of your 3 hour anecdote, but I’ve got an appointment. Sorry,” you lie. You mentally pat yourself on the back for some superb lying.
“Oh, blast, what a shame,” he says, apparently having absolutely no comprehension of the fact that he’s boring you and you’re not interested in his stories. “Well, come on Fleur, we’d better go meet Sapphire Shores for lunch.”
As the pair walk away, Fleur, the mare, turns and winks at you before trotting away.
Well, that was weird.
Okay, you’re ready to admit it to yourself. Canterlot sucks. There’s more or less nothing to do here, your hotel sucks because you can’t afford a proper one, the people here are unfriendly towards you and worst of all you can’t get an internet connection from this hotel room.
“Whatever, I’ll just go to sleep!” you say determinedly.
It’s 1am.
“Yep, any moment now I’ll be asleep!” you say, indestructible optimism clouding your thoughts.
1:34 am, the clock says.
“Any moment now and I’ll drift off to sleep!” you assure yourself.
2:18am
“Alright, screw this.”
You sit up. “Might as well go for a walk,” you mutter to yourself.
Canterlot is actually quite nice out at night. Well, 95% of it isn’t but you’ve managed to work your way into the upper class area of town near the castle, and it really is lovely out here.
You trot through some kind of park and perch on a small bridge, looking down at the moon’s reflection in the water.
This is peaceful. This is actually really coo-
“Hi.”
You jump about 3000 feet into the air. You feel your bowels loosen. Fear overtakes you.
“Haha, sorry, did I scare you? Calm down, it’s just me.”
You look to the voice and see Fleur, the mare from earlier.
“Oh… hey,” you say timidly. “I didn’t think I’d see you again.”
“I always like to walk around the castle gardens at night,” she replies, smiling. She still isn’t looking at you, instead looking up at the moon. She seems completely lost in her thoughts, distant from the world around her.
“So, uhh… do you want me to leave? Like, if this is a registered nighttime-walking area or something,” you say.
She laughs softly. “No, you’re welcome to stay. I can’t own the park,” she says. It’s kind of unsettling how she doesn’t look at you when speaking to you.
Despite how dark it is out, you can see her coat is white and her mane is pink. She looks more beautiful than any other pony you’ve seen, though you’re not sure quite why.
“So… what’s your role in Canterlot?” you ask, hoping more to confirm your trophy-wife suspicions from earlier than anything else.
“Hm?” she says, turning to you. “Sorry, I didn’t hear the question.”
You’re about to repeat yourself when you notice she’s actually looking at you for once. Her soft pink eyes seem to wash away all your fears. Her gaze has an almost supernatural effect on you.
You shake it off. “Uh, sorry. I asked what your role was in Canterlot? Like, I’m guessing you’re a supermodel or something?” you guess.
She seems slightly shocked by that statement. You hope you haven’t offended her. “Supermodel…? No, I’m just Fancypants’ wife… why did you… supermodel?”
Uh oh. This is gonna be tricky to talk your way out of. “I just…” you begin, before clearing your throat and giving yourself an extra few seconds to think. “I just thought it’d be a job that suited you.”
“Well, I never thought that…” she says, seemingly just as flustered as you are. “I never thought that I could be one of those ponies. So, um, no… I’m not a supermodel.”
You rub the back of your neck with your hoof. “Oh. Uh, okay.”
She nervously stares down at the ground. You do the same. This has gone kind of awkward.
‘Supermodel’. Nice going, idiotface.
You feel a warmth pressing against your side in the cold of the night.
Fleur is leaning against you.
“Uh… hi?” you say.
She looks down at you with her hypnotic, gentle stare again. “Come with me,” she says, smiling.
Well this should be interesting. You trot along behind her and follow her into a big fancy mansion.
“Woah, do you live here?” you ask.
“Mm-hm," she nods.
She leads you into a room with a large velvet-covered bed. She climbs up and lays down on it, smiling at you again. “Well?” she says.
You nervously climb up onto the bed. She wraps her forelegs around you, pulling you into a hug. Not really sure what to do, you hug back. She murmurs approvingly.
She rolls over so she’s on top of you and gently pushes you back so you’re laying down on the bed beneath her. She parts her legs and positions herself right above your erect cock. You can feel the warmth of her pussy caressing the end of your penis.
…
“…well?” she asks.
“…well what?” you ask dumbly.
She rolls her eyes. “Do I have to explain what’s going on to you? Didn’t you learn about this as a kid?”
You gasp so deeply that you almost give yourself an asthma attack. “I… what?! You want me to… but what about Fancypants?!” you ask.
“It's an open relationship", she says.
"I... what?" you ask.
"Open relationship. We're allowed to see other people."
Well, that's good enough for you.
You clamber up on top of her. She smiles down at you. You slide into her...
"Uhh... are you sure you're ready?" she suddenly asks.
"What?" you reply, confused.
"Doesn't feel like your... you know, doesn't feel like it's hard enough," she says.
You just glare at her.
She smiles warmly. "Here, let me show you," she says. She sits up and wraps her lips around your cock. You gasp at the feel of the warmth of her mouth enveloping your cock. Her tongue darts out and licks up your shaft, sending jolts of pleasure up your spine.
She lifts her head back up. "Okay, seems about ready now," she says smirking.
She lays on her back again and you slide your now fully-erect cock into h-
The front door slams.
"Fleur, darling, are you in? I'm home now!" comes the incredibly annoying yet cheery voice of Fancypants.
"Oh, shit! Shit, hide!" Fleur says frantically.
"Why?" you ask.
"Because... because I lied about the open relationship thing! Please, just HIDE!" she says again.
"Oh, right, this is GREAT," you say. "I'm now an accomplice in adultery."
"I'm sorry!" she says again. Hoofsteps are getting closer to the room. "Just fucking hide, please!"
"Okay," you say. "Uh... where? There's nowhere TO hide."
Fleur bites her lip and looks incredibly anxious. "Oh god, just... I'll turn the lights off and you can crawl out the door as soon as he comes in."
You can't believe this is happening. This is so... squalid.
The door opens. "My, it's dark in here," Fancypants says.
"Uh... yeah, I thought we should try... lovemaking in the dark? For... fun?" Fleur says shakily.
You begin to make your way off the bed, trying to be completely silent. Fancypants shuts the door behind him. Shit.
"Well, my darling," he says. "Sounds like a jolly old time to me! Now where are you, you gorgeous little daffodil? I've been waiting all day to come home and have our 'quality time'!"
He jumps onto the bed. This is getting a bit close for comfort.
"Can't see a blasted thing in the dark," he says. "Now, where are you..."
You feel two strong hooves grab you.
"...Have you put on weight, dear?" Fancypants asks.
Oh no. Oh fucking Jesus fuck no.
"I.. uh... no... I..." Fleur says uselessly.
"Well, brace yourself honey!" Fancypants says. Fucking god no.
*SCHLORRRP*
You wince and bite down on your lip, trying not to scream. Fancypants just shoved his full stallionhood into your asshole.
"Oh, gracious," he says, "Fleur, you feel... tight tonight. Is it cold in here or something?"
Fleur sounds like she's about to cry. "No... it's... I..." she stammers uselessly.
Fancypants thrusts in again.
You can't believe this is actually a thing that is actually happening to you right now in real life. You actually want to cry.
*THRUST*
You gasp in pain. The true horror of this situation is far beyond the comprehension of your mortal mind.
"Hmm.. you know dear," he says, "I really do much prefer this with the light on. Do you mind?"
Before Fleur can stop him, he switches the light on. There's no escape. You bury your head in your hooves. This has GOT to be a dream. NOTHING this bad could EVER happen in real life.
You timidly lift your head from your hooves. Fancypants is staring down at you in a mix of horror and confusion.
"WHO THE BLOODY HELL IS THIS?" he screams.
"He..." Fleur says. "He... he must be a burglar! Or a rapist! Or a rapist-burglar, who's here to spy on our lovemaking!"
You glare at her.
"Quickly," she says, avoiding eye contact with you, "hit him Fancypants! Hit the evil pony!"
The last thing you see is Fancypants' hoof flying towards your face.
You force your eyes open and blink a few times. You’re lying on a soft pillow…
You’re in hospital.
"Ohhh..." you say, coming into (heh) conciousness.
You look around. The room is empty.
The door opens. "Hello patient, my name is Nurse Redheart and I-" she stops when she sees you and her face lights up. "Oh wow! You haven't been hospitalized with some hideous injury for about a month, I was worried things were going right for you for once!" she says.
"That's thoughtful," you say. "Good to know I'm on your mind."
"Why are you in hospital this time?" she says gleefully, hopping towards your bed. "Tell me everything!"
You stare her down angrily for a second. "I broke both my legs while skiing away from an explosion to save an orphanage full of kittens from an army of neo-nazi robots," you say.
She stares at you, her expression unchanged. "Okay. What really happened?"
You sigh. "I... I got anally raped and then punched in the jaw."
The insane cackling coming from your hospital room the instant you finish that sentence can be heard all over Ponyville.
