Chapters Meet the ponies (video transcript)
[Warehouse doors rise, revealing a crouching RED Berry with other members of Red Team.]
[Berry watches various BLU Team members stationed around center point: an Engineer industriously making defensive preparations, a smoking Spy, and a Soldier juggling.]
[Berry takes a swing of her cocktail and RED runs out to attack center point.]
[Berry charges into a fierce battle, quickly outpacing all her teammates. She runs, weaving, towards the center of the map, luckily dodging everything that BLU throws at her, then outruns and crosses a passing train as it crushes a BLU Soldier and Pyro.]
["Meet the Berry" text appears]
[Berry walks in front of the Meet the Berry text, from off frame.]
Berry : "Um... I don't even know where to start with you. I mean, do you even know who you're talkin' to?
[Cut to a scene of a BLU Octavia, sitting in chair near the Control Point about to take a swing of old wine, when she is poked in the head by the Berry's bottle.]
Berry : "Hey, what's up?"
[Cut back to Berry in front of text.]
Berry : D-Do you have any idea, any idea who I am?"
[Back to Octavia and Berry, where Classical Mare swings with her bow and Berry dodges, giggling drunkenly. Cuts back to Berry.]
Berry : "Basically - kind of a big deal!"
[Back to fight. Berry is strangling Octavia with her bow.]
Berry : [Spins a bottle and takes a swig] "Sweet Celestia, thatsh beautiful. Heh!"
[Cut back to fight, Octavia now has Berry in a headlock. Cuts back to Berry.]
Berry : " Ya' listenin'? OK. Grass grows, pegasi fly, alcohol ferments, and brotha'-[pokes the camera] I hurt ponies."
[Cut back to fight, The Berry whacks Octavia in the gut with her bottle.]
Berry : "BOINK!"
Berry : [Back to Text] "I'm *hic* the Drunken Master!"
[Berry hits Octavia in the chin.]
Berry : "BONK!"
[Cuts back to Berry]
Berry : "If you drank as much as I drink, you'd be f**kin' dead!"
[Cuts back to fight; Octavia is collapsed on the ground trying to reach for her wine bottle, Berry runs up the side of a shipping container, jumps off and slams her hooves into the Octavia's head.]
[Cuts back to Berry]
Berry : "WOOO!"
[ending flourish music plays]
[Berry sits on the twitching body of the Octavia, drinking her wine; the point is now RED's.]
Meet the ponies (video transcript)
[A lone golden chariot is flying over a desert road. Camera cuts to the dash, where a bobblehead of the princess Luna sits. A hoof comes from offscreen and flicks the head.]
Celestia : "Boom, straight to the Moon."
["Meet The Prankster" text appears. Cuts to the Celestia driving her chariot.]
Celestia : "Prankin's a good job, mate! It's challengin' work, outta doors. I guarantee you'll not go hungry-"
[Cuts to a shot of the Celestia brushing her teeth. There are three photographs on the right of her mirror of a BLU Engineer, Octavia, and Berry Punch - the Engineer and Berry are crossed off, but Octavia is not.]
Celestia :"-'cause at the end of the day, long as there's two ponies left on the planet, someone is gonna want someone pranked."
[Scene cuts to view inside the Celestia's scope. Celestia's magic subtly sets Octavia's mane on fire; Berry Punch behind her notices, dumping her bottle of alcohol on gray mare's head and causing flames to flare up. Octavia screams and flails round, hitting Berry in head with her cello, trips and falls over a ledge into a cluster of explosive barrels, causing a chain reaction.]
Celestia : "Ooh."
[Cuts to the Celestia talking on a pay phone.]
Celestia : "Dad? Dad, I'm a- Ye- Not "Trollestia", dad, I'm prankster for hire! ...Well, the difference bein' one is a job and the other's internet meme!"
[Back to Celestia in the chariot.]
Celestia : "I'll be honest with ya: my parents do not care for it."
[Cuts to Celestia climbing the tall tower in Goldrush Stage 3, Cap 1. The Celestia now is waiting at the top of the tower for a chance.]
Celestia : [Glances away from her scope briefly to address the viewer] "I think her mate saw me."
[A bullet ricochets off the ledge under the Celestia.]
Celestia : "Yes, yes she did!"
[Celestia takes cover as return fire ricochets off the tower.]
[Cuts to a time-lapse image of the Celestia looking into a scope. Several jars of urine fill up to her side, as Celestia rinks coffee and waits. As the sun starts to set, the Celestia smiles and her horn glowes.]
[Celestia backstabs a Spy through the chest with her horn on Goldrush Stage 3, then slides her off the horn with a satisfied expression.]
Celestia : "Feelins'? Look mate, you know who has a lot of feelings?"
[Cut back to the chariot]
Celestia : "Mortals that make up clopfics and 'cupcakes' stuff. Professionals have standards."
[Celestia takes off her crown and puts it on her chest, standing over the dead Spy.]
Celestia : "Be polite."
[Celestia cake-shots a Medic, a Soldier, and a Pyro.]
Celestia : "Be efficient."
[Slow-motion shot of Celestia lighting her horn.]
Celestia : "Have a plan to prank everyone you meet."
[Celestia's spell fires directly at the camera. The screen blacks out.]
[ending flourish music plays.]
[Cut back to the pay phone.]
Celestia : "Dad.... Dad p-, yeah - put Mum on the phone!"
Meet the ponies (video transcript)
[Cut to a BLU Pyro firing a blast of flame from her Flamethrower. She thrusts her weapon in the air and laughs triumphantly as a bowling ball heads towards her from off screen].
Pyro : [Ball hits Pyro, breaking all her bones.] "Ow!"
[Cut to Screwball taking a drink, also getting crippled by a crit bowling ball from off screen.]
[Cut to Octavia performing her taunt.]
Octavia : "Bow!" [Kicked aside by a ball]
["Meet the Crusader" text appears.]
[Cut to Scootaloo, drilling what appears to be a line of recruits.]
Scootaloo : "If you think something will get you your cutie mark, stop thinking and do it! Rainbow Dash said that, and I'd say she knows a little bit more about cutie marks than you do pal, because she'd got her being just a little filly, and that makes her more awesome than all Wonderbolts and Ponyville citizens put together!"
[The Cutie Mark Crusaders theme plays]
[Cut to Scootaloo dashing on her scooter and screaming.]
[Scootaloo then charges the final capture point in Granary on her scooter and kills a Screwball by running into her in full speed. She takes bowling ball from her saddlebag and a BLU Medic appears behind her, firing syringes.]
RED Screwball : "Left the to!"
Scootaloo : "Got it!"
[Scootaloo turns to the left and throws bowling ball into Medic, who doubles over, clutching her stomach.]
RED Celestia : "Right up! Right up!"
RED Octavia : "Go, go, go!"
[Scootaloo, Celestia and Octavia charge into battle together, as explosions occur all around them.]
[Cut back to Scootaloo's drill. Music pauses.]
Scootaloo : "So when she found out she don't have a pet, she went to Fluttershy...
[Scootaloo unhooks two balls from her belt, one in each hoof.]
Scootaloo : ...took all awesome animals from her, and then she herded them into a park...
[Scootaloo demonstrates by using the bowling balls, moving them in a walking motion.]
Scootaloo : ...and then she tested the crap out of every single one."
[Scootaloo bangs the two balls together repeatedly.]
[Cut back to battle scene. Music resumes.]
RED Berry : (Behind cover) "Sentry up 'dere!"
[Scootaloo rolls her scooter up to the Sentry gun and ski-jumps over it onto a pipe, dropping her saddlebags full of bowling balls, both destroying the Sentry and killing Blueblood in the process.]
[A BLU Octavia and Pyro are holding the final capture point. The Octavia is laughing gleefully. Scootaloo jumps downward, jumping from scooter that knocks off Pyro just before she lands on grey earthpony, slamming her head into ground. A Spy uncloaks and attempts to backstab Scootaloo, but Scootaloo bucks, knocking out the Spy.]
[Freeze frame]
[Cut back to Scootaloos drill]
Scootaloo : [Laughs to herself] "And from that day forward official most awesome flying animal is not falcon or eagle but tortoise!"
[Crickets chirp as the 'recruits' are revealed to be the gibbed heads of BLU team members perched on a gate, all wearing BLU Scootaloo helmets. The Medic's head falls off the gate.]
[ending flourish music plays.]
Scootaloo : [To the Medic's head] "Unless it's a chicken!"
Meet the ponies (video transcript)
["Meet the Cellist" text appears]
[Gray earthpony walks up to the camera and places cello on a felt-lined table and sits down in a chair]
Octavia : I am Classical Music Mare... and this [grips Scratchy] is my instrument. [lays both hooves covetously on cello] She weights thirty five kilograms and uses 100.000$ custom strings with 90.000$ special unicorn enchantments and 10.000$ bow that need to be replaced every 84 hours. [looks intently at viewer] It costs 400.000$ to play this instrument... for one week.
Octavia : [snickering quietly then holds up a hoof trying to calm down]
Octavia : [inspecting her cello] Oh my god, who touched Scratchy?! Alright… WHO TOUCHED MY INSTRUMENT?!
Octavia : Some ponies think they can outsmart me. Maybe…[sniffs] maybe. I've yet to meet one that can outsmart string around the neck.
Octavia : [Holds up string wrapped around her front hooves to the camera]
[Octavia devastates the enemies with her cello and magical floating notes on Dustbowl Stage 1 Cap 1]
Octavia :"Bow before my performance, uncivilized infidels!"
[Pause. Enemy Scout leaps on Octavia, but she slits his throat with bow all the while playing, and with one swift motion shakes off blood]
Octavia : "Heheh, bow..."
[Blackout]
Meet the ponies (video transcript)
["Meet the Prince" text appears] [Cut to Prince Blueblood sitting on heavily decorated chair while servant brushes his mane] Blueblood : "Why, hello there, my subject. I'm a Prince, that means I solve problems."[A gunshot ricochets off the chariot near Prince, servant jumps, but Blueblood ignores it] Blueblood : "Not with my own hooves, mind you, because that would fall within the purview of servants and low-class citizens."[Two more gunshots ricochet off the chariot, close to Prince's head. He glances briefly at the bullet holes] Blueblood : "I solve problems with bits."[Prince rises his head, making servant pause, takes expensively looking truffle from a nearby crate and bites it as the level 1 sentry gun near him swivels round and shoots an unseen Octavia] Octavia : (screams)[Prince puts down truffle and lays down, while servant continues working on his mane. The Kill counter clicks up from 209-210] Blueblood : "Let me give an example..."[The camera shows a BLU Celestia in the background trying to sneak up on Prince] Blueblood : "...How am I going to stop my big mean auntie Celestia from pranking my carefully groomed, muscular backside to oblivion?"[The sentry gun notices and kills Celestia. The Kill counter clicks up to 211] Blueblood : "The answer..."[A level 2 sentry gun fires and kills Berry and an unseen enemy] Berry : (Screams)[Kill counter clicks up to 213] Blueblood : "...buy a gun. And if that don't work.... [A level 3 sentry gun fires rockets] ...buy more gun."[Servant steps aside, and Prince takes a mirror and admires himself. A large explosion is heard and Prince grins happily] Berry : "My leg!" [from off-screen] [The Kill counter clicks up to 214. A severed hoof lands in front of Prince, who continues looking into mirror. The level 1 sentry gun targets the hoof] Blueblood : "Like this expensive heavy-caliber, tripod-mounted, all techy-like turret designed by best equestrian minds working for me..."[His servant kicks the hoof, which is shot out of the air by the level 1 sentry gun] Blueblood : "...built by factory owned by me..."[The level one sentry gun shoots yet another attacker. The Kill Counter clicks up to 215.] Blueblood : "...and you'd best hope...not pointed at you."[The camera zooms out from Prince as his sentries continue to devastate the attackers. It is revealed that Prince's chariot is crammed full of BLU Intelligence, and that his 'campfire' is in fact the burning Celestia's chariot.] [Various screams] [ending flourish music]
Meet the ponies (video transcript)
["Meet the Screwball" text appears"] [Opening fanfare of plays as Screwball narrowly escapes a massive explosion while jumping from a drop-down corridor] [Freeze frame] Screwball : "What Screwball good makes me a?[Cut to Screwball, floating in a warped room full of chocolate milk and cotton candy] Screwball : "If bad Screwball were me, me wouldn't it duscussin' sittin' be here with you now, would me?[music resumes playing] [Screwball charges into battle along with Team RED while dodging a cascade of rockets] Screwball : "Blagraabrr!"Screwball : "One of ya's not survive this gonna!"[Cut back to Screwball's room, music pauses.] Screwball : "One milk of glass, one wayward cocoa of pinch, one errant twitch...and kablooie!"[Cut back to battle, music resumes.] [Screwball throws solid chocolate milk behind her and Gibs a pursuing Pyro] [Cut to scene of Screwball chugging glass from her bottle of milk] [A level 2 Sentry gun upgrades to level 3] [Cut to scene of Screwball continuing to chug glass from her bottle] [Sentry gun fires rockets at Screwball] [Cut to a close up of Screwball's face, still chugging from her bottle] [Screwball dodges the rockets as a nearby Berry is gunned down by the Sentry. Screwball then flungs stranded cotton-candy cloud dripping with chocolate milk, destroying the Sentry gun] [Cut back to Screwball's room, music stops.] [Screwball slams the now glass-less milk, which miraculously keep in form of the bottle down on the table, breathing heavily] [Camera blurs] Screwball : "Me got derped, spiral eyes. Me am a floating earthpony, Discord's scion. He's got more [censored] ...than he's got the likes of me."[Screwball brings solid milk to her muzzle, then notices the camera and becomes lucid again] Screwball : "So...."[music starts to play] Screwball : "....T'all you fine dandies so snobbish, so orderly..."[Screwball runs out to the final capture point and is shocked to see a group of BLU team members charging towards her with smug expressions on their faces. A devious look comes over Screwball's face and she runs with BLU in hot pursuit] Screwball : "Prancin' aboot full of harmony and fancy physics! Come and get some me say! [Screwball covers a door frame in sticky sugar-cotton-glass-ribbon mess] Me will be waiting on ya with a splash of the 'ol cocoa. Me am crazy weird story....with a messy bloody end!"[Octavia notices sticky mess around the door frame, and her expression changes from smugness to one of shock. Screwball throws a mock salute and floats into the air, gibbing all her pursuers] [Screwball walks up to (presumably) a decapitated head, laughing merrily as body parts and blood rain down around her.] Screwball : "Oh, me can make new Discord out of all this parts!"[ending flourish music plays, accompanied by bagpipes]