I Am Not a Monster

(AKA the big DisLestia chapter)

(Also AKA that "D'aaw" chapter)

(Also Also AKA the cheesiest chapter ever)

"Where there is love there is life."

-Mahatma Gandhi

Intermission: Hearts and Hooves

1,007 Years Ago...

Celestia waltzed through the hallways of Canterlot Palace, joyfully watching her reflection bounce along the marble tiles that made up the floor. Her pink-turning-rainbow mane swept through the air in an invisible wind, lively as ever. She was very happy, because of what day it was. Many ponies knew of her and Lord Discord's relationship. After all, she was kind of a big deal in the kingdom, being the ruler and all. It was Hearts and Hooves day. Several years ago, she and Discord had fallen in love. During the entire week, both 'Dissy' and Luna had been avoiding her, almost like they were hiding something. Entering her bed chambers, she jumped onto her bed, and began to giggle.

"I wonder what Dissy has planned today." She said, giggling. "It has to be special if he's keeping secrets about it."

Celestia stood up, and looked around, making sure nopony was watching. She walked over to her bookshelf, and pulled a single book down. In the wall next to it, several hidden gears whirled, and the panel was lifted, revealing a single cake behind it. Licking her lips, she took the knife next to it and cut a small piece from it, and levitated it in front of her mouth. When she began to take a bite, a knock came from her door, followed by a familiar voice.

"Oh Celly!" Discord yelled inside. "Are you in there?"

"Give me a second, Dissy. I'll be out in a moment."

Mentally groaning, she placed the slice of cake with the rest, and closed the hidden panel. She walked over to the door and opened it. In a split second, she was scooped up by Discord, and pulled into a loving embrace.

"How's my beautiful princess doing today?" He asked, using the same cheesy pickup line he always said to her.

"Whatever you say my lord" She replied, mocking his title. Celestia nuzzled her lover, as he put her back on her hooves. With a small kiss, the two walked down the halls, towards the palace gardens. Discord had always found the gardens to be one of his favorite spots in the castle. It's was simply peaceful. There were never more than three or four other ponies in the garden at once. The two lovebirds sat down in a spot soon reserved for a new statue. Discord had wrapped his tail around Celestia's, essentially trapping her. She giggled, and nuzzled Discord lovingly, before returning her gaze out towards the palace labyrinth.

The two stayed there for two hours, before Discord shifted, and produced a small box. Celestia gasped, and realized what it was.

"Celestia, simply put, I love you. I have loved you, and I will always love you forever. Will you give me the honor of being as close to you as husband and wife, so we can share the rest of eternity together?"

Celestia kept smiling, and hugged Discord tightly, a few tears coming to her eyes.

"Yes, Discord. I- I love you so much."

Five Months Later...

The Solar Princess walked down the wedding aisle, with a smile on her face. She had wed many ponies together, but the concept of actually walking down the aisle as the bride herself was completely alien to her. She followed her three bridesmaids, Sing Along, Tell Tale, and Twilight Wish, down the aisle, past the many ponies gathered to watch her wedding. Discord was standing by the alter, looking severely out of place. When Celestia reached Discord's side, they both turned to face Luna, who (quite comically, due to her being shorter than the both of them) was going to wed them.

"Fillies and Gentlecolts," She began, "We are gathered to witness the union of Solar Princess Celestia, and Lord Discord of Concordia. Under Faust's name shall they be wed, and let her watch over them throughout their everlasting marriage."

A young unicorn stallion walked up besides the three, wearing a ceremonial robe and levitating a small cup with two rings in it.

"Discord, do you take Celestia to be your loving wife? If so, respond 'I do'."

"I do." He responded.

"Will you care for her for all of eternity, through health and sickness? If so, respond 'I do'."

"I do."

"Then may Faust watch over and bless you during this marriage."

Discord took one of the rings, and slid it down to the base of Celestia's horn. Luna watched with a small smile as he did so, realizing that he would be her brother-in-law.

"Celestia, do you take Discord to be your loving husband? If so, respond 'I do'."

"I do."

"Will you care for him for all of eternity, through health and sickness? If so, respond 'I do'."

"I do."

"Then may Faust watch over an bless you during this marriage."

Celestia levitated the remaining ring onto Discord's eagle talon, signifying the near ending of their marriage.

"As we have watched this loving couple wed, may we pray for Faust's eternal guidance over them, as they spend the rest of their days in happiness. Lord Discord, you may kiss your bride."

As the two kissed, a roar of cheers erupted, along with the stomping of hooves. The three bridesmaids led the newly-married couple to the front entrance of the chapel, where the wedding was officially called to a happy close.

One month, five days, six hours, forty-three minutes, and twenty seven seconds later...

Celestia walked through the hallways, looking for her recently-wed husband. She had exciting news for him. After several more minutes, she found him and Luna playing chess in the dining hall.

"Hello, dear. You're here just in time to see me destroy your sister. Figuratively, of course." Discord said, referring to the chess game.

"You're on, lizard." Luna chirped, cockily.

"Discord, it's important." Celestia said, her voice unsure.

"Hmm? What is it?"

"I- I'm pregnant."

Discord's expression fell. Was he ready to be a father? So many questions plagued his mind, until Celestia noticed his insecurity.

"Hey, it's going to be fine. Even if a big dolt like you isn't a good father, you'll at least be trying, right?

"I know you'll be a wonderful mother." He said, flatly hiding a near-nervous breakdown.

Luna jumped up, excitedly.

"Does this mean I'll be an aunt? I'll be the best aunt your foal has ever seen!"

"Well, you can tell them that nine months from now." Celestia teased.

"Fine..." Luna pouted, realizing how long nine months actually was.

One pregnancy later...

Several howls of pain echoed throughout the palace's medical wing. One crazy pregnancy later, and Celestia had finally broken down. She  had gone through a lot in her life, but this topped the cake. The doctors had put a magic inhibitor ring on her horn, just to be safe. Unicorn mares were known for random bursts of magic overload during childbirth. There was no telling what an Alicorn could do.

While his wife was going through the trials of a birthing mother, Discord had been reduced to a nervous wreck outside. He had conjured up several glasses of chocolate milk to try to calm himself down, but nothing worked. Even Luna couldn't comfort him, and she was known as the "gentler" of the High Princesses. Several more yelps exited the room, followed by several murmers of "Push!" or "It's okay, princess." After over an hour of waiting, the wailing had stopped. A doctor poked his head out at the draconequus on the floor, laughing quietly.

"You can come see your wife, Lord Discord. Congratulations, you are a father to a healthy colt."

Discord walked in, to see a disheveled Celestia in the bed. Her normally majestic mane looked almost dead, having stopped flowing. Resting in her hooves was a small, sleeping foal wrapped in towels. Celestia looked at her husband, who was studying the foal with great interest.

"Beautiful, isn't he?" She asked him, softly. The colt yawned, and shifted slightly in his mother's grasp.

Discord got a better look at him. The colt was like a normal pony, with some... variations. He had a small horn poking up from his forehead, was white-and-grey in color, and had a single miscolored arm. He had a lion's paw, a bat wing, a serpent's tail, and a single fang from his father.

"What should we name him?" Discord asked, with a smile.

"I have an idea." Celestia replied, looking back down at the newborn. "Chaotic."