Or, 'Rainbow Dash and the Climactic Query'
A Question of Peak Importance
By Sunchaser
She had begun her search for ancient wisdom at Carousel Boutique, because it seemed like Rarity was the pony who would most likely know.
Unfortunately, she had quickly learned that the seamstress did not. Accordingly, if her assumption ended up bearing out, she was screwed.
"Oh, come on! Somepony's gotta know this!"
Rarity glared at Rainbow Dash, quickly turning away and returning to her sewing, her head held high and imperious.
"Well, perhaps somepony knows, Rainbow, but I do not, nor do I wish to. Honestly, such blatant tactlessness? I would have just as soon not known you capable."
"Yeah, whatever Rares," Rainbow replied disinterestedly, waving a dismissive hoof.
At that the seamstress turned, a thoroughly unladylike turn of phrase rising to mind—
And she saw her front door, wide open, and Rainbow Dash was already gone.
"Just as well," she whispered harshly to herself as she magically shoved the door shut. "Unbelieveable. Asking me something like that, and about...!"
Rarity didn't have the answer, and so Rainbow Dash had needed another source.
And who knew? Maybe Fluttershy did have the answer, if she could stop blushing and speak at a volume above 'field mouse'.
"Didn't quite catch that, Flutters. You're gonna have to speak up."
Squeak.
Rainbow sighed.
"Come on, Fluttershy. We've been friends for how many years now? Aren't we past this sort of thing?"
The buttery pegasus managed, hesitantly, to peek out from behind her shuddering pink mane.
"N-not when you ask things like...like that."
"What?" Rainbow asked, shrugging. "It's just a question."
Fluttershy stood out of her shivering huddle, her eyes gone wide.
"Just a question? Just a question?! Why, you might as well ask me who I think about when I—"
Fluttershy chose that moment to display how adept she was at changing the color of her face. In this case specifically, to a rich shade of deep maroon. Or was it a rosy scarlet? Rarity would have that answer, Rainbow was sure.
As it was, Dash just rolled her eyes and stared indifferently at the blushing mare.
"Please, Flutters. You're making this out to be so much more than it is."
"...Oh, well, maybe," Fluttershy began, "maybe just a little—"
"Besides, I already know that answer: it's either Big Mac, or me." Dash paused, a hoof tapping her chin in thought. "Actually, probably both..."
"Oh. Oh, oh my."
There was a soft whump, and when Rainbow came out of thought, Fluttershy was sprawled out on the floor, twitching.
The Acres was near to Fluttershy’s cottage, and so it was there that Rainbow Dash had gone next, after making sure Fluttershy was in fact still breathing.
That was a state that Dash was just now thinking more tenuous than she would have previously expected, but then Applejack hadn't been giving her the glare of death previously.
She was now, though.
"...Y'all are seriously asking me that."
"Uh, well, yeah," Dash answered, her voice straining into a bit of a squeak on the last word.
Applejack blinked a few times, but at least the death glare faded. Mostly. Sort of.
A little.
"Now, why," the farmpony asked, letting the word hang as she turned to look up at a nearby apple tree, clearly and deliberately inspecting the fruit hanging from its branches. "...Why are you askin’ me that?" She paused, and turned back to look Dash in the eyes again. "Actually, hold up. Why are you askin’ that at all?"
It wasn't really a death glare anymore. Not quite. There was that, yes, but it was mostly buried by the plainly visible confusion that now made up AJ's expression.
"I was curious," Dash answered, nonchalant. "Rarity didn't know, and Fluttershy...uh, didn't know either. And the Acres was close by, so..." She trailed off into a shaky grin, rubbing the back of her neck with a hoof as she so often did when nervous.
Applejack stared back, deadpan, before eventually, finally, arching a brow and sighing.
"Well, I haven't got a clue, Rainbow, nor am I particularly inclined to find one. So if you do happen to get your answer? If'n y'all could keep from sharin'—or better yet, we could pretend this here conversation just never happened."
"...Sure thing, AJ. It's...no problem. Sorry to bother you!"
And in a blur of sky-blue leading a prismatic trail she was gone, leaving Applejack to shake her head and return to bucking the east field.
"Sometimes, that pony..."
The adrenaline had kicked in hard under that withering glare at the acres. Not that Rainbow Dash, Iron Pony and Ponyville Hero, would ever admit to feeling scared, even if she had thought—just for a moment!—that, possibly, the maybe-strongest-earth-pony-in-Equestria was about to buck her straight to Canterlot.
But still, she remembered Flight School. She remembered the Sarge, drilling into their heads lessons about the true nature of war and combat. She remembered his grating, roaring voice ringing out over the Cloudsdale Flight Academy fields like the tolling of bells; funeral bells, for those who didn't listen.
Rainbow had listened, and she remembered how to keep your head through the adrenaline of the combat high.
Thus was Rainbow Dash sitting in Sugarcube Corner, more than halfway through her dozen sweetened pastries. The chocolate éclair in particular seemed purpose-designed to stave off the madness of battle.
"Heya Dashie!"
The pegasus had blinked, and now there was a bubbly mass of pink three inches from her face.
She might have screamed and leapt for the ceiling, if she hadn't grown used to Pinkie's preternatural stealth over preceding years. Instead, she only inhaled a quarter of her vanilla-frosted shortbread cookie.
A pink hoof slapped her on the back immediately, with precise accuracy and carefully controlled strength, and Rainbow coughed up the errant piece of cookie before she'd even had a chance to properly start choking.
"So, what brings the fastest and most awesomest pegasus in Equestria here today? Call me a skeptic, but I don't think it was the shortbread."
Rainbow took a moment to restore her breathing. "...Horrors of war," she eventually replied.
Pinkie's glowing smile and sparkling eyes dimmed for a moment, and she tilted her head to the side, her features claimed by a look of unexpected confusion. "Huh?"
"Chocolate Torte," Rainbow said quickly, her hoof pointing to a rich dark slice of cake on a nearby plate. "I, uh, heard...somepony raving about how awesome the Chocolate Torte is, so I had to come taste it for myself."
Pinkie's usual brightness returned, and Rainbow breathed a relieved sigh.
"Oh. Well, somepony was right! It's the tortiest torte of maybe ever! Taste for yourself."
Rainbow opened her mouth to reply, which was all that had been needed for Pinkie to sneak in the bite of cake that she had cut and skewered with Rainbow's previously-unused fork.
But it didn't even matter.
Somepony was right. This piece of cake might have been the most awesome thing Rainbow Dash, Iron Pony and Ponyville Hero, had ever tasted.
It was definitely weapons-grade.
"...Huh," she eventually said, coming down from the chocolate-buttercream high. "That's not bad."
Pinkie giggled gleefully. "Just don't let the other girls see you eating any and your secret will be safe."
Now it was Rainbow's turn to be confused. "Safe? What secret?"
Glancing around quickly, Pinkie leaned in close. "Your eyes kind of glazed over for a minute there," she whispered. "...Or three. I know, it really is that good."
"Oh." Rainbow eventually said, her usual shaky grin in place, hoof rubbing the back of her neck again. "Well, uh, thanks Pinks. I appreciate the discretion."
"No problem!" the pink mare declared, once again at her usual room-filling volume, and then she twirled her way into the chair across from Dash, resting her head in her hooves. "So, what actually brings you here, Dashie?"
Rainbow blinked.
"...Is it really that obvious?"
Pinkie nodded. "Uh huh. Well, it is to me, because I have to notice you're hiding something so I can move the scene forward."
Rainbow just stared at her friend, watching as the bubbly pink mare fidgeted in her chair—
No, she wasn't fidgeting. There was a pattern to it; after a few moments, Dash realized that, as she sat at a table in Sugarcube Corner, Pinkie Pie was dancing. Very subtly, very gently, but as she hummed and chattered about 'moving the scene', she was dancing.
Filing the revelation under 'being Pinkie Pie', Rainbow figured it was probably best to just move on.
"...Right," she finally said. "Well, I do have a question I've been trying to get answered..."
Pinkie's face broke into...well, a larger grin. "Ooooooooooooo," she...er, ooooed?, "Lay it on me, Rainbow Danger Dash, I can take it!" And then she hefted herself up over the table, presenting a waiting ear three inches from the pegasus' face. Today was apparently a three-inches-of-personal-space day.
But, still, Pinkie wanted the question, and Rainbow Dash wanted the answer, so she whispered it in the party pony's waiting ear, quietly, so as to not disturb all the other ponies who were entirely absent from Sugarcube Corner. Certainly not because she was embarrassed or anything.
"Oh," Pinkie calmly said, settling back into her chair. "Why didn't you come to me earlier?"
Rainbow's eyes went wide as she sprung from her seat.
"You mean you know?!"
Pinkie shrugged, smiling.
"Nope! I have absolutely no idea. But if you want to know something about the Princesses, then you should have just gone to ask Twilight first, silly! I suppose that wouldn't have met the minimum word count, though."
Dash sighed, slumping back into her chair.
"...Yeah, I know. I was just...hoping I wouldn't have to."
Before today, Rainbow Dash had never thought that a library – let alone a library inside a giant tree – could instill fear in a warrior's heart.
Today was a different day.
She'd lied to herself, just a little. Rather than Rarity, in fact it was Twilight Sparkle who was the most likely to know the answer to her question. But given that Rainbow was asking something about the Princesses...
Rarity had been safer.
But all other options had come up empty, and so the pegasus now stood before the lavender unicorn, resolved in her choice, and at peace with the coming end.
"This is what got Rarity so upset that she came over and ranted to me over an entire pot of tea. 'The sheer indignity', she said. 'Such brutish lack of decorum'."
Twilight sighed deeply, returning her attention to some nearby books.
"Do you know, Rainbow Dash," she said as she levitated the volumes to their various shelves, "just how many ways Rarity can verbalize her feelings of social affront?"
"Uh..." Rainbow began, in the picture of eloquence. Her hoof returned to its increasingly favored position behind her neck. "...Maybe...a dozen or so?"
Twilight turned back to the pegasus, and Rainbow discovered that Applejack was not the only one of her friends with a death glare.
"Forty seven, Rainbow. It took her eighteen minutes. I even wrote them down! I'm going to pick the best ones and put them in a letter to Princess Celestia."
Then the unicorn sighed, reminded of the reason for her grief, and Rainbow's related visit. The pegasus opened her mouth to say something – apologize for causing her the trouble – but a raised lavender hoof silenced her.
"Just...wait there."
Twilight set down the few books she'd been in the middle of shelving and looked over a few nearby sections, before lighting her horn to open the door to the library's lower level, into which she vanished.
But this was it, Rainbow realized. Twilight was going to come back up those stairs with her answer. Well, that, or some type of magical experiment that would ensure she would never be a Wonderbolt – or ever heard from again, but mostly it was the Wonderbolt part that concerned her.
It was a long moment, laden thick with anticipation, but Twilight eventually emerged from the basement with a hefty volume coated in a thick layer of dust. Well, it looked heavy enough to be a weapon, and it occurred to Rainbow Dash that if Twilight was to fight with something, it would be a book, wouldn't it? ‘The Egghead's Guide to Fighting’, she thought with a chuckle.
"...This," Twilight began, the annoyance in her voice masked by a touch of literary reverence, "is the Historical Log of Classical Equestrian Law, Volume Four. Third Edition. I haven't read it in years..." The librarian trailed off, her eyes misting a touch as she descended into memories of long nights spent with legal history.
Rainbow stepped cautiously over, waving a hoof at the unicorn.
"Uh, Twi? You there?"
The lavender mare shook her head a few times, grounding back into the moment. "...Right, right. Sorry. Now then, if I remember correctly..."
Her horn lit and the book was enveloped in an aura of purple, throwing up a cloud of dust as it flipped open. Rainbow waved it away, coughing a few times, while Twilight sped through the pages...until she settled on one in particular.
"Here we are. So, Rainbow Dash, to answer your question?"
Twilight cleared her throat, and began to read.
"...Pursuant to Article 3, Subsection C, Paragraphs 7 through 12, it is established that in such case that the Royal Pony Sisters (Their Serene Majesties Princess Celestia and Princess Luna, henceforth 'TSM Celestia & Luna') should behave in manners qualified as 'indiscrete utilization of Traditional Royal Address to Subjects (henceforth 'Canterlot Voice')', specifically during situations of physical copulation, that reparations of no less than twenty thousand (20,000) equestrian bits shall be paid, in hard currency, to any injured parties, including but not limited to: the Gryphon Republics, the City of Gallopfree, the Cervidan Commonwealth, et al."
Rainbow blinked a few times in obvious bewilderment, to which Twilight groaned, slamming the book shut.
"So, no, Rainbow Dash. Neither Princess Celestia nor Princess Luna are 'screamers'."
