Like A Mighty Flame
Rainbow Dash
So maybe I didn’t think this through. Thinking ahead is just not my thing, I guess. Spitfire had written Rarity and me pretty soon after the incident in Canterlot with... whatever the heck all of that was. When I got hurt. She was checking up on me, and offered us free tickets whenever, anytime. At the time, I’d been too moody and it had just made me miserable to think about her sympathizing or whatever. But I’d gotten over that, with some help. And when I did, I started treating Rarity right again and doing myself some favors.
One of those favors? Take Spitfire up on that offer, with far too much enthusiasm.
I’m sitting here, two rows up from front row in the Cloudsdale Arena. I mean, c’mon. How cool is that? Rarity got Twilight to cast the cloudwalking spell on her, just so she could come with. I may have mentioned how cool it would be to see her in wings again, and she may have thrown something at me... but I tried, didn’t I? Worth it.
It should be wonderful.
I guess, in a way, it still is. This is the greatest arena of anything ever period for all time. This is Cloudsdale, best city in the clouds this side of anywhere. And this is the best team of fliers in Equestria—the Wonderbolts! This is that moment when it’s almost too much, and you’re dying to see them, and you know they’re about to come out but it feels like it’s never gonna happen, you know?
Rarity is munching on some popcorn beside me, and I don’t know how she’s managing to eat right now. Can’t she feel the emotion, the passion, the energy in the air? This is when stuff gets real.
I stand here like I did when I was a filly, except I was a lot farther up then. Back then, I squirmed and fidgeted in my seat and probably drove my dad crazy. I remembered it well, my first time seeing the ‘Bolts. It feels like yesterday... or at least it would, if not for the dull ache in my wings and the soreness in my back. Doctor says I’m fine for travel, and I am, but he didn’t say I’d be at my fullest.
There’s this... new feeling. It’s weird. It’s kind of like when you have a scab, and you know you have to peel it off, and that when you do it’ll all be fine. Right before, even though you know you’ll be fine and stuff, you’re still afraid a little. Because it hurts, and that sucks. It’s a pretty crappy analogy, but I think it works to describe this.
Ponies around me are making noise, and I join them. Rarity rolls her eyes at me, but I don’t care. She can roll her eyes and be prissy Miss Fancypants if she wants to. Today, right now, in this cloud arena, I couldn't care any less. This is where I’m alive. Well, one of a few places.
But she smiles as she rolls her eyes. I think she’s more excited than she lets on. I mean, how can you not be? Wonderbolts. I wonder if she’s excited for me? She’s antsy to get me out of the house and into the world a lot these days.
The Hegemon takes to the center platform. A roar goes up, and it’s like a big bell right in my face. I’m deaf and my head hurts, but I join the sound. I always forget about this, and I’m always half deaf when the show starts. It’s just the way we’re wired, to be loud. To have lots of heart. Even Fluttershy, when it comes down to it, can cheer like nopony’s business. Yeah, she needs a little encouragement, but she can do it.
She’s saying something, but I have a little trouble hearing her.
“...and I welcome you, native and visitor alike! My ponies: the Wonderbolts!”
Another roar, and then it begins.
My heart pounds as fireworks go off and the Wonderbolts appear from out of nowhere, flying in a V-formation, Spitfire at the lead.
They split, leaving behind trails. I know exactly how they do it; the knowledge flashes across my mind without me trying to remember it. I know exactly what the magical rings around their hooves do and how they use them to make those trails in midair. It’s not like mine, when I hit Sonic Rainboom speeds. Well. When I used to.
They work in pairs now, weaving, dodging. Rarity talks about beauty a lot, and about how dresses and saddles and barding can be beautiful. I guess they can be, especially when she makes them, but I don’t think she really gets it sometimes. This is real beauty, how Soarin’ and Spirtfire, First and Second, can fly like this. They know each other. They’ve flown so many times before, and yet every time is new and fresh. It’s filled with energy.
It’s all alive. It reminds me of how I used to dance on storm duty when nopony could see.
They rejoin the pack. There’s more of them now—the second wing has joined the first. The awe I felt when I was a foal is so empty compared to what I feel now, knowing exactly how hard it is to coordinate twelve ponies in the sky. I cheer, excited, like I’m there with them, Rainbow Dash on the wing, goggles down and wings out.
That feeling is back, but I suppress it. At least, I try to. It’s another dull ache, but it’s different. I cheer louder, hoping it will go away.
They perform tight turns in wings, missing each other by mere inches. Even though you know these are the best fliers in Equestria, it’s still enough to make you gasp and feel a bit of worry. But then they’re free, out in the open, and you know it’s alright and everything is fine. But you come back for that moment of uncertainty, when you don’t know yet.
I remember why I wanted to do this again. It was never really for the fame—yes, I like fame. I like it way too much, probably, but it’s just built into me. It’s who I am.
But it’s because I love flying. I love this... everything. How they climb, like they are right now, and then they just... stop. Spitfire’s wings just stop moving and she stalls out. I can feel Rarity tense beside me, and I know she’s remembering that day when she fell, and I consider nudging her when I’m distracted by what happens next. She’s falling, falling, falling... and Soarin’ and Lightning are there beside her, diving but still keeping pace with her. My heart pounds in my chest, and I gape.
This is delicate. This is insane. This is intense. This is life. This is why I want to be a Wonderbolt.
She stretches out a hoof to each of them, and her wingmates accept them. Then, they begin to pull up, slowly. For a moment I fear that they’ll be too shallow and hit the cloud wall, but I’m proven wrong as Spitfire uses them as a sort of springboard, launching herself up as they descend and spiral. I’m stunned; I have no idea how it happened, but it did.
Out of nowhere, my wing has a spasm, and I gasp in shock and sit down so hard that I send cloudstuff up. Rarity, alarmed, is right there beside me, asking me if I’m alright. And I am, I think. The pain is temporary, and it vanishes like a wave, leaving little behind but the dull ache. This is not a good time.
They’re getting ready for the finale now, I think. Yes—there they go, forming a kind of whirling vortex of ponies, as one by one they
There’s another spasm. It’s like a wave of pain, rolling up down my wings and back. I can feel tears in my eyes and it makes me furious. Lunadammit, I just want to be left alone! I just wanna watch ponies fly!
But I know what this is. This one isn’t going away. Rarity knows before I even say anything; I see it in her eyes. She’s worried about me. At first it makes me angrier, but then I feel ashamed. She’s just looking out for me. It’s not her fault.
I stumble, but she’s there to catch me. I can feel her at my side, pressed close, holding me up. I feel stupid, and my stupid legs won’t stay straight. This is a terrible place to have an episode like this, the worst place. I don’t want to leave. I don’t want to stay here where ponies can see me like this. For a moment, I want to die.
We walk as best we can in tight quarters. Ponies see what’s up and they move to let us pass. I don’t look at them. I look down, hoping that they’ll just forget about me. I don’t want the name Rainbow Dash to be linked with this weakness.
Rarity is having trouble. She’s a strong pony—I’m always surprised how strong she is—but she’s got her limits, and I know that she’s gonna lose me before we get there. I don’t want to fall, Celestia I don’t wanna. This is bad enough without falling flat on my face like a newborn foal. I can feel my pulse in the base of my wings and in my spine, and it’s awful. I can feel the wounds like I got them yesterday. They burn like they did when I got them. I’m cold and hot all over, and my body feels confused and sick.
I feel somepony pulling alongside me as we go through this parting sea of ponies. I don’t know who it is; I can’t see them. Rarity is thanking them, and I just want to be out of everypony’s sight.
It feels like an eternity before we’re finally behind the stands. I’m shaking like a leaf and feel like I’m gonna puke. The pegasus who helped us looks worried, but I cough out a thank you. Rarity starts talking to her, using that soothing voice she’s about to use on me, telling her that I’ll be fine. Thanking her. She’s like Fluttershy, timid little voice, big blue eyes. But I can’t look at her anymore.
I can feel it, know it’s gonna happen before it does. I can feel the clouds beneath me, and find a spot that’s not quite as thick and I punch a hole through it and vomit.
The shy pony is freaked out. I feel dirty, and I can hear Rarity sighing. But I’m too miserable to care right now, my whole body shuddering. My mane hangs in my face, tickling my cheeks, but I can’t push it away. My hooves are planted on either side of the little opening, and it’s all I can do to hold myself up. I’m crying. Goddesses I hate crying, but it always happens when I get one of these.
I feel a hoof on my back, and my mane is out of my face. I can kind of feel a tingly feeling on my cheeks and around my ears and I know it’s Rarity doing it.
Rainbow Dash, stupidest weakling outta Cloudsdale. Yeah, that about sums up how I feel as I wipe my mouth and smell my hoof on accident. It’s awful. The inside of my mouth tastes like death warmed over.
I sit up, trying to calm myself. Most of the pain is gone now. All that’s left now is a dull ache all over, and residual weakness. It’ll pass.
The shy pony is looking at me, and I swear she’s just like Fluttershy.
“It’ll be fine,” Rarity is saying. “She will be fine. You can go back. Thank you so much.”
“Yes ma’am, of course...” She gives me this look, and I can’t even muster up the pride to feel annoyed at her sympathy. It’s just not in me. I just burn with shame. It's like trying to be mad at Fluttershy, it just doesn't work out.
When she’s gone, Rarity kisses my mane and sighs.
Magic. Ever since the incident, I’ve hated that word. We were trapped, Rarity and Twilight and myself. It was an ambush, give Fluttershy some stupid bauble at Twilight's wedding, and wait 'till she comes and finds us. Sucked us all in, and next thing I know we're all in some stupid maze. In the dark. I was stupid, I know that, but I had to fly. I had to get out of there. It was too dangerous. Rares told me and I didn't listen to her. So of course I went up.
I never even saw the traps.
Celestia and Twilight and others had tried, but I'll never be the same. Eight times out of ten, I'm fine. Mostly normal Rainbow Dash: a little slower and little less awesome, but mostly me. The other two, I’ll be a nervous, vomiting, crying wreck. Something is just wrong inside me. Nopony can explain it.
Well, no. Twilight could. Magic. Of course magical traps had magical effects. Of course they do.
“Rainbow? Has it passed, dear?”
I nod. I’m not in any shape to answer out loud right yet.
She kisses my cheek, and it helps a little. I know she probably thinks I’m disgusting right now. I know I’m sweating bad, I know she’s thinking about it. I kind of wish I could just shrink, be small. This isn’t awesome.
We sit like that for a moment. I’m not sure how long it goes on, but the two of us don’t say a word or move. My breathing slows down and the aching dies down to acceptable, ignorable levels.
“Would you like to go back?” she asks me, quietly.
“I’m not sure,” I respond. I don’t really think about it. The answer just spills out of me.
She arches her eyebrow. I know that look, and it says quite clearly: I’m going to get an explanation one way or another.
So I try. “I... I don’t know. I’m not sure I feel up to it?”
So I chicken out. It happens every now and then. Rarity’s smart, unfortunately, and she isn’t buying it. She knows it’s not just a passing mood. I’ve talked about the arena and flying and the Wonderbolts way too much for that. The eyebrow arches higher and it’s like I’m running from a brand.
“Well... it’s flying. Them, I mean.”
Rarity’s face falls. Yeah, you can imagine why I didn’t wanna say it.
Oh, dammit, she’s getting that sad look in her face. I know she’s thinking about the halls and me being shot down and all that. This is exactly what I didn’t want to happen. She’s going to get all emotional and... I just want to hide. I don’t want comfort right now... but for some reason, I find it spilling out of me.
“They can fly, and I can’t.”
“You can fly, Rainbow. You got here, didn’t you?”
“No, Rares, I mean fly.”
She looks at me with confusion.
“Like... how I used to. It was so great to see it all again, and I forgot about how I... my damn wings, and now I’m reminded and I feel like it’s a little ruined. I’m afraid if I go back I’ll never be able to separate this place from this... whatever the hell this is. Not being able to be as fast.”
“Rainbow...”
I’m gone now. “I’ll never be a Wonderbolt. I’d forgotten that, watching them. I just... I just wanted to remember that thrill of seeing them again and now I-I can’t because my stupid body won’t leave me alone for like five minutes! I’ll never be able to do that again, and even if I can get back my old speed— which I probably won’t—what then? These stupid wings will lock up or I’ll start spasming again and down I go until I’m Rainbow Crash for real this time and... I just want to go home.”
She’s silent. I’ve been yelling, and as I try to slow my adrenaline-driven breathing, the air between us is thick. I’m instantly sorry, but my apology sticks in my throat.
She’s the one who speaks first. Her voice is quiet. It’s that calm tone of voice she uses when she’s afraid she’ll make me angry, or when she’s disappointed in me. Either way, it hurts and I feel like I’m a foal again.
“We can go home, if that’s what you wish.”
Oh god, I know this is going to hurt.
“But I think Spitfire would be disappointed that she didn’t get to see you. And sad that you left. She wants to help you, Rainbow. It's a good thing, no matter what you think," she says, and there's this weird note in her voice. It's... cold? I guess. I don't know how to describe it, but it's like somepony has a hoof on your back and they're pushing down very slowly but firmly. Rares has some steel in her.
She’s right. I can almost see it now.
“I... You’re right. I can’t just leave. I do wanna see them again. They wrote and everything and I... I don’t know. I think Spitfire and them were gonna streamline me in, you know? Just unanimously vote me a Wonderbolt after a show about the Trials and now that I’m like this... Do I have to go back in?
“I think you should. But you needn’t.” Her voice is a little softer now, and I’m glad for it.
“Spitfire wrote me a few times, trying to check on me. I mean, we weren’t friends, really. But she liked—er, likes me. Does this sound arrogant?”
“Not particularly, I was thinking the same earlier.”
“Like... she wants to be my friend. It’s sympathy. I don’t know how I feel about that.”
“You should feel like somepony cares about you. I think you should go back. It’s a wonderful show, love. And I think Twilight would say that a friend is always a good thing to have.”
I shrug. “Sympathy... chafes? No. I dunno. Some word. You would know. I don’t like it.”
“I know what you mean.” She kisses my forehead, and I stand up on four hooves. They’re stronger now, no longer shaking from my curse.
“But,” she continues, “that doesn’t mean it’s wrong to accept well-wishing, Rainbow. It’s no crime to be sympathetic, or to receive such attentions.”
“I’m not a foal,” I reply, but without much force. We walk back towards the gate.
“I know. Love comes in a lot of forms, Rainbow. Ponies were made to give it. It’s imperfect, but it’s still good.”
As we re-enter, pegasi in the arena are flying at speeds I know I may never reach again. I may never have that degree of finesse and control again. My heart hurts just watching them now. But also, deeper, I feel that excitement again. Just knowing that they can, that somepony can do it... that excites me. I want to be a part of it. It’s like... like a fire, burning in my heart. That sounds cheesy even to me.
It still hurts. Rarity sighs, and nudges me onwards encouragingly. Prodding me towards things is what she does best. I’m thankful for it.
“I’m glad you decided to be brave, Rainbow,” she says before the roar of the crowd can drown her out.
No, I think perhaps something else is like a mighty flame. Like a wall of fire—burning when I try to go the wrong way, yes, but only to save me—and keeping the road well-lit and dry. I’m thankful for her.
I think I’ll dream of flying a little longer.
Author's Note
Sorry.
Spam.
Sometimes when I'm sad I submit poems to be rejected by mags. Sometimes I publish a sadfic a few days ahead of schedule. :3
Story set in my Raridash Songverse, sometime after "Catch For Us the Little Foxes", loooong after "Lilies of the Field" and a bit before "Great Heart Will Not Be Denied" which is coming out soon.
Hope you guys enjoy it. Thank you for reading, and please comment below!
