The Conversion Bureau: Metal Ripper

by Carpinus Caroliniana

Rating: teen
Tags: Original Character, Comedy, Random, Princess Celestia, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Human
Length: 3481

A group of power metal musicians purge an evil that has taken over Celestia

Darkness is upon the remnants of Humanity. Facing death or conversion by an unstoppable horde, Humanity turns to its last hope.

Six musicians. Can they harness the power of metal and stop this threat?

Published 2012-12-15 09:00:01 UTC
Last updated 2012-12-15 09:00:01 UTC

Metal Ripper

Celestia gasped. In front of her was a Human! How could this filthy primate blaspheme the holiest land in all of Equestria – Canterlot Castle!?

“How dare you!” she boomed, her magically amplified voice causing the alabaster columns to tremble. “How dare you violate Equestria’s sacred lands!”

The man, clad in a ballistic vest and BDU pants, smiled.  “Violate your lands!?“ he thundered. “Do not speak to me about such matters when you invade and seize our lands, our bodies and even our very minds! You portray yourself as a savior of humanity but it is an empty lie; you seek nothing but total annihilation of the human race! You are no better than the most evil man in history, Adolf Hitler!”

The Solar Tyrant’s face blanked and then twisted into a mask of indescribable rage. “You! You… You dare speak to royalty in such a manner! Guards! Seize this foul beast and ponify him!”

The great oaken doors at the front of the throne room burst open as Celestians armed with the glass spheres filled with the purple mutagen charged to the defense of their monarch.

The man turned to face the onrushing horde. He then took a deep breath and bellowed two words.

“Attero! Dominatus!”

The effect of the words could only be described as akin to a bomb blast. The burst of sound slammed the Celestians into the marble walls and columns. Their potion bombs shattered, drenching them in the mutagen, which quickly began to take effect, turning the hardened soldiers into mewling foals. Every window in the throne room exploded into shards of multicolored glass This was no ordinary man; it was Joakim Bróden – the vocalist of Sabaton.  Years of singing epic metal about the martial history of Humanity endowed him with a voice that rivaled even the vaunted Royal Canterlot Voice.

Celestia could only stare in shock. Not only was he completely unaffected by the lethal radiation that permeated Equestria, he had effortlessly disposed of an entire squad of guards.

“Now then, Celestia,” he said, his voice back to normal. “How about we discuss this like rational beings?”

The Solar Tyrant smiled and then began to laugh. “Rational? Your race doesn’t know rationality! All your race knows is corruption, hatred and violence. Anathema to harmony!”

Joakim scowled. “Harmony,” he spat. “Stealing our minds, bodies and lands is not enough for you? You seek even to destroy our cities, our history, all traces of our existence! Your ‘harmony’ isn’t harmony at all. It’s something that Hitler, Pol Pot, Saddam – some of the most evil men in history – could only dream of: the perfect genocide.”

The Solar Tyrant could only gape. Her multicolored mane and tail shimmered as it gradually began to smolder red like paper exposed to a flame. She stomped towards Joakim, her golden shod hooves leaving angrily glowing puddles of molten rock behind her. As she moved towards the blasphemer, she underwent an astonishing transformation. Her entire body was ablaze with an intense white fire, her mane and tail coiled and flowed like the prominences of the celestial body she controlled.

Joakim shielded his eyes from the intense light but he remained unbowed even as sweat began to drip from his forehead. He took a deep breath, ignoring the superheated air that scoured his mouth and lungs and bellowed out “Clouds are gathering in the darkness!”

The effect was immediate; a black pool began to spread out from Joakim. Soon, it coalesced into a long tendril which wrapped itself around Celestia like the foul tentacle of some eldritch beast. Immediately, the Solar Tyrant’s incandescent body began to dim from a blinding white to a hot yellow and finally to a dull red.

The lead singer snapped his fingers and the tendril exploded into a black mist which rapidly evaporated. He pulled out a bottle of water from somewhere on his person and drained it. He sighed as the cool liquid ran down his parched throat. He then coughed. “Now where were we?” he asked as he wiped his mouth with the back of his hand.

The Solar Tyrant trembled with rage; this ape was seemingly invulnerable. She smirked as she saw an intact potion bomb being used as a toy by one of the former Celestians – now just a foal. “Yes,” she said. “I believe we were about to discuss this like civilized beings.” Her horn glowed almost imperceptibly as she snatched the intact potion bomb from the grasp of the foal.

Joakim smiled. “Now, you see, Humanity only has a two conditions for your surrender. You undo all the ponifications and dispel the barrier.”

Celestia nodded. “Very well… I accept!” She hurled the potion bomb at Joakim with a burst of telekinetic force.

His eyes widened as he saw the glass sphere hurtling towards him. “Attero! Dom-“ The words barely left his mouth when the bomb impacted him, knocking him to the floor and covering him in the purple mutagen.

The musician-mage’s hands flowed like liquid clay as they fused together and started to form hooves. His face began to melt into the small muzzle characteristic of the Equestrian ponies. The Solar Tyrant smiled; Joakim was immune to the radiation that permeated Equestria but even he was vulnerable to the ponification serum.

Unfortunately, for her, his mind had not yet succumbed to the potion. With his last ounce of strength, he yelled, “We are back in control!”

The results were astonishing. The blue coated pony in front of her began to change. The pony’s flaxen mane and tail retracted into his coat. The blue coat bleached to the color of flesh as it began to morph like clay worked by an artisan. The hooves split back into individual fingers. The pony’s muzzle was pushed back into his head, forming a humanoid face.

Celestia could only watch as the ponification serum’s effect was rapidly undone before her eyes. In less than a minute, a very angry Joakim Bróden stood before her. He brushed bits of broken glass out of his mohawk . “Negotiations are over,” he said, glaring at the white alicorn.

The Solar Tyrant laughed. “While you may bend the earth and air to your will, I control the sun! Perhaps, you have heard of my other title? The Hammer of Dawn.” Her horn flared a brilliant white light as she shot a beam straight into the sky. There was the sound of a distant explosion. Seconds later, pillars of light rained from the sky, melting anything they touched.

The musican-mage leapt to the side, dodging a pillar that scorched his clothing. Come on! He thought. Just a while longer and we can end this! He leapt and ducked, avoiding the deadly lances of light. He had hoped to tire her out but it was no use. As he vaulted over a broken marble column, he tripped over a discarded piece of Celestian armor. He looked up and saw a pillar of light heading towards him. Suddenly it stopped. He tried to roll out of the way, but his body refused to obey him. He looked up and saw the Solar Tyrant leering at him. Another flask of potion floated in her golden telekinetic grasp.

“A valiant effort but your kind will never defeat me. Equestria shall prevail!” She smiled. “However, I offer you a choice. Drink this potion and shed that ape-body or die as the filthy ape you are.”

Joakim coughed and turned to the alicorn. “Attero! Dominatus”

The flask exploded in her magical grasp as she staggered back from the shockwave. The alicorn smirked. “Very well.”

Suddenly he heard voices. Human voices! He smiled.

“What, you’re beaten.”

Suddenly the voices got louder. Celestia’s eyes widened in shock and the pillars of light suddenly vanished as five more Humans confidently strode into the ruined throne room. The quintet glared at the Solar Tyrant.

The musician-mage got to his feet and dusted himself off. “You thought I’d come alone? I’d like you to meet my allies and friends!”

Joakim cleared his throat. “Joacim Cans of Hammerfall!”

A long-haired man dressed in an all-black denim jacket adorned with skulls, buckles and zippers strode up to Celestia. He adjusted the chain necklace he wore and glared at the white alicorn.

“Hansi Kürsch of Blind Guardian!”

Another long haired man loped up next to Joacim. He adjusted his leather jacket as he too assumed a stony expression.

“Taage Laiho of Altaria!”

Celestia’s mouth was open. She was too stunned to do anything as Joakim Bróden called out their names and they lined themselves up before her.

“Alfred Romero of Dark Moor!”

“Timo Kotipelto of Stratovarius!”

Joakim then took his place in line. “And Joakim Bróden of Sabaton!”

The Solar Tyrant laughed. “And what are you going to do to me? Talk me to death?”

“No. We will show you the power of metal!”

Celestia then started laughing. A cold, cruel sound. When she finally stopped, a smile adorned her face. “No more games! Burn!” Her horn and eyes burned a brilliant white as she prepared to incinerate the group with holy sunfire.

The musician-mage cleared his throat. It was time for the power of metal to shine! “Clouds are gathering in the darkness!” he roared. A black hole opened at his feet and a pillar of inky-black darkness rocketed upwards, meeting the burning pillar of light and completely neutralizing it. Joakim then shouted, “Baptized in fire!”

Suddenly, forty orbs of white and red fire materialized in the throne room. The Solar Tyrant gaped as the orbs sought out Joakim and orbited around him like planets around their star.

Joacim looked at Celestia. He too shouted out a phrase. “One with the wind!” Everyone present was assaulted with a massive blast of wind that roared in through the shattered windows. Celestia grit her teeth as the windstorm picked up the debris and pelted her with it. Joacim and the other musican-mages were unaffected by the storm. The wind then took a life of its own and engulfed the wind musician-mage in a whirling maelstrom.

Hansi cleared his throat and shouted out his phrase. “The clash of iron can be heard!” The ground rumbled as chunks of iron tore themselves from the ground and formed themselves into long, slender flechettes, which then orbited the metal musician-mage.

Taage shouted out, “Together, we’ll unchain the rain!” A light drizzle started. Within moments, the drizzle became a veritable downpour as fat raindrops then began to fall without any sign of stopping. In mere moments, the entire throne room was covered in two feet of water. The water musician-mage along with his fellows were standing atop the water while Celestia was standing in it. Fat globs of water flew from the ground and whirled around the water musician-mage.

Alfred shouted “Focusing the light!” A pillar of golden light akin to what Celestia had used to try and kill Joakim smashed through the roof of Canterlot Castle and struck Alfred. Everyone present had to shield their eyes as the entire room turned white. When their vision cleared, The light musican-mage’s eyes were a solid, piercing white and his body coruscated with a golden aura as he hovered a few inches off the watery ground.

Timo bellowed out, “Cast from coldest ice!” The room’s temperature instantly dropped and the water that the Solar Tyrant was standing flashed into ice. She tried in vain to ignite her body to melt the ice but the ice musician-mage’s supernaturally cold ice sapped her strength. Pieces of ice floated from the ground and formed themselves into razor sharp icicles that girded Timo.

Joakim then turned to Celestia. His eyes were ablaze with a white hot flame and the embers that orbited him now whirled so fast that it appeared as if he were girded with a ring of flame. The Solar Tyrant could only gape. She tried to gather her power for an attack but it was useless. She racked her brain trying to think of some way to escape.

The fire musician-mage then cleared his throat and belted out the phrase that signaled the most powerful of his songs. “Primo Victoria!”

As soon as the words left his mouth, a blinding white flash seared everyone’s eyes. When their vision had restored, each of the musician-mages had their signature instruments in their hands and they levitated on a stage of fire and ice. Cold blue flames, slithering like snakes, licked at their feet and clothing but the musician-mages were unharmed. An invisible wind made their clothing billow out like a set of wings.

Timo raised both his hands from his sides. Almost instantly, a drum kit that appeared to have been hewn from the purest sea ice – a chilly, almost ethereal blue-green – rose from the stage with a creaking and grinding reminiscent of an avalanche. Two of the serpentine cold flames leapt into his hands to serve as drumsticks. Even as he pounded out a quick solo, the enchanted flames writhed and twisted in his grasp.

Taage mimed playing a guitar solo; a blob of water appeared from thin air and began stretch and contort as it took the shape of an electric guitar and amplifier at his feet. The guitar rippled like a pond on a still day as he picked it up and gave the strings a few experimental plucks. The sloshing sound of the guitar quickly gave way to a test solo.

Hansi clapped his hands and with the sound of metal clashing against metal, the metal flechettes surrounding him forged themselves into another electric guitar and amp. A snap of his fingers turned the instrument’s dull grey finish into a blinding mirror gleam. A few experimental strums from his instrument sent a shudder through the throne room with its sheer power.

Alfred looked skywards and a pillar of light smashed through the already ruined throne room and struck him. The light coalesced into a dome and then imploded in on him, throwing off a shower of gold sparks. When the sparks cleared, there lay a translucent gold keyboard. The keys lit up with a bright gold flash every time the light musician-mage played a note.

Joacim raised his arm and the tornado compressed and coalesced into an electric bass. Every pluck of the strings raised a brief gust of icy wind.

Joakim clenched his fists and a baton of fire appeared in his hand with a flash of heat. The stick of red fire writhed and twisted as it formed into a microphone. “Through the gates of hell!” he bellowed.

Celestia screamed in agony as a surge of intense magic flowed through her, scouring her very soul. The metal-magic was so powerful that viridian flames appeared and twisted into arcane glyphs as the magic raced across the leylines that had spread across Equestria and Earth.

A newfoal bounced down the street of some wartorn city. The HLF had tried to extirpate the ponies from here but they failed, usually becoming the very ponies they had fought.  The newfoal hummed a jaunty tune to himself as he looked for Humans to convert and share the joy of ponyhood with.

He gasped as he saw lines of green fire racing through the streets like enraged serpents as the converged on a single spot. The nexus of the leylines.

The newfoal watched as the lines of green flame roared into the new city hall, razing it to the ground as the lines reared up, writhing and twisting like the tentacles of some fiery beast.

Suddenly, all he saw was an intense flash that painted his vision green. It was the last thing he saw before a massive blast knocked him unconscious.

The newfoal groaned and twitched his fingers. Wait, fingers? The newfoal immediately leapt to his feet and examined his body. He smiled. He was no longer a newfoal but a Human – specifically one of the HLF troopers sent to remove the ponies from this city.

He looked around, there were now several Human soldiers and civilians milling around with looks of sheer ecstasy on their faces. Several of them praised whatever deity they believed in while others were overcome with emotion as the collapsed to the ground and sobbed.

The HLF soldier soon felt an urge to…sing? He shook his head. That urge gnawed at him like the hunger of a famished man. Shrugging, he gave in and belted out “As we make our way to heaven!” He had never heard this song before but the words were now in his mind, sharp and clear.

Much to his astonishment, the other people around him shouted the same phrase. And he swore that the lines of green flame burned even brighter.

“As we make our way to heaven!” Joakim belted out, his microphone now burning a brilliant white.

As soon as he did so, Taage, Timo, Joacim and Hansi went to work on their instruments.

Soon, Joakim’s gravelly voice was backed by scorching electric guitar work and pounding drums. Several bubbles that showed the future materialized into thin air.

“As we make our way to heaven

Through the Celestian lines

Primo Victoria!”

The Solar Tyrant screamed as she saw her handiwork undone. Newfoals rapidly reverted back to the original forms. Conversion Bureaus and other Equestrian buildings imploded and vanished.

“We've been training for years

Now we're ready to strike

As the great operation begins

We're the first wave on the shore

We're the first ones to fall

Yet soldiers have fallen before!”

A massive fleet of warships and an equally impressive squadron of military aircraft stream towards Equestria, now exposed to Earth

“In the dawn they will pay

With their lives as the price

History's written today

In this burning inferno

Know that nothing remains

As our forces advance on the beach”

Landing craft and transport aircraft touch down on Equestrian soil and disgorge a veritable tsunami of infantry and almost every sort of combat vehicle imaginable.

“Aiming for heaven though serving in hell

Victory is ours, their forces will fall!”

Celestians being cut down by automatic weapons fire as they vainly try to fight back against an enemy that outranges them.

Bombs blanket a group of entrenched Celestians.

“Through the gates of hell

As we make our way to heaven

Through the Celestian lines

Primo Victoria!”

“On the 6th of June

On the shores of Equestria 2012

D-day upon us!”

“We've been here before

Used to this kind of war

Crossfire grind through the sand

Our orders were easy

It's kill or be killed

Blood on both sides will be spilled”

A heavily cratered battlefield littered with dead Celestians and a dead humans. Armored vehicles trundle across the battlefield as infantry follow them.

“In the dawn they will pay

With their lives as the price

History's written today

Now that we are at war

This time we know what will come!”

The massive force assaults Canterlot Castle. Artillery and bombs pound the castle, knocking enormous pieces of marble off its elegant façade.

“6th of June

Allies are turning the war

Equestria, state of anarchy!

Overlord!”

Joakim then cleared his throat and belted out the last part of his spell. “Primo Victoria!” Then it happened; as the musician-mages played their hearts out on their instruments – bolstered by all of Humanity singing along with them, a massive pillar of the purest white light shot into the sky. Seven billion threads of golden light twisted and coiled themselves around the pillar as it arced back into the throne room where upon it collided with the Solar Tyrant.

The light that resulted rivaled that of a supernova. The intense heat flashed all the ice in the room to steam, ablated the marble furnishings and carbonized anything flammable. The musician-mages were unfazed by the blast of heat and light – being that it was their own spell. Celestia – Goddess of the Sun – was also immune.

When everyone’s vision returned, Celestia was looking around her ruined throne room. “Now what happened here?” she asked. She then turned to the six musician-mages standing before her. Their instruments began to dissolve into thin air as they turned to face her.

Celestia smiled. Joakim gulped. He and his friends were spent after that intense spell.

“There is no need to worry,” Celestia said. “On behalf of Equestria, I welcome you to this land. I look forward to meeting your kind and I hope that this will benefit both of us.”

Joakim’s eye twitched.

Celestia shook her head. “What you saw was not me. It was a demon that had assumed my form. Sadly, I fear that your kind’s trust in us has been permanently marred.” She then adjusted her crown and looked out a hole in the wall. “But I still believe we can work together to repair your world and mine.”