A Romantic Poem Reading by Octavia

When you participated in joining that audience for a barrel-full of laughter, you'd expected that Octavia would just blow up in the most hilarious way imaginable; but what neither you nor Robin and Goodfellow knew that Octavia had connections...

When you finally get home and check your e-mail, you can see that Robin and Goodfellow had sent you a message thanking you for joining them in their hilarious shenanigan. They also go on to say that Octavia has been hunting down their sorry carcasses from the north and south of Equestria in a Class 5 Apache helicopter, and they politely ask you to lend a helping hand - erm - hoof, in getting them to safety where they can lay low until Octavia blows off some steam.

If you decide to give them cheap coffins for Christmas this year, then stop reading and leave the story how it is already. As Peter Pony once said, "To die would be an awfully big adventure." Of course, Peter Pony's parents immediately took Peter to see a psychiatrist specializing in child depression after that public statement.

But if you decide to help these two troublemakers, please keep reading. Oh? No, I'm not asking you to please keep reading - Robin and Goodfellow are. They just found out Octavia has brought her AK-47 with her.

So you're going to help them? Great!

You step outside of your house and somehow get back to Equestria where you meet Robin and Goodfellow at the Ciderworks Pub in Canterlot. It's a dim pub in a tucked-away alleyway off in the outskirts of town. By the way everything looks, you'd expect to see some criminals visiting this pub every once in a while.

That's why you weren't surprised when the bartender (her name turned out to be Sherry Berry) was telling you that just the other day, a tall, black and green pony with bug-like wings came in and drank cider upon cider in the corner, saying something about "He said he didn't love me - he said he was seeing someone else - 'cause oh no 'hic' - he'd somehow been in love with somepony else this whole time. So to get back at him, I used some magic on him to make his eyes go all WOOoooOOOoooOOOoooOOOooo. That was funny. The whole "take over Equestria" stuff was a ruse - I just wanted to see his eyes do that the whole time because of how hilarious I'd envisioned it. Ha. Haha. HAHAHAHAHA."

Sherry Berry continued to say that not long after, some dark, reincarnate-looking unicorn with a foggy aura around him came inside and was drinking some cider himself, and saying that his insatiable addiction to rock candy was giving him such a headache from the detox, that he could barely say anything without seriously hurting himself. No kidding. He brought up that the only place in all of the world that supplied the one kind of rock candy that he was addicted to, was in the Crystal Kingdom. Not long ago, the force fields keeping him out were weakening, and his opportunity to finally bring a stop to his nasty migraine had arrived. Assaulting the kingdom, saying "crystals" over and over in a joyously maniacal manner like a zombie after brains until he had finally made it inside. Deciding (very unwisely) to use some of his misunderstood dark humor, this unicorn said "my glorious little slaves!" to the citizen's faces. In the end, he was kicked out of the crystal empire empty-handed, his headache was even worse, and he needed to use his horn in order to bring himself back again, which made his migraine, even worse.

Then there was Robin and Goodfellow, who had been caught up in the pub as well. Today, actually, since they're trotting up to you now. You already know their story.

Ohhhhh yes. You already know their story.

"There's that human again, Goodfellow." Robin said.

"Yep, and that human has decided to help us with our situation."

"Y'know Goodfellow, I'm starting to think that pranking Octavia was a bad idea."

"Why would you say that?"

"Oh, gee, I dunno Goodfellow!" responded Robin sarcastically, "It's not like I don't like being chased around Equestria by an insane pony in a Class 5 Apache helicopter with an AK-47 in her hooves or anything!"

"Psh! You only live once, Robin."

"You only die once, too..."

"What was that?"

"Nothing important..."

"Hello, I am Goodfellow, and this is my friend Robin. We're partners in mischief." Goodfellow says as both he and his partner stand side by side facing you. Now that you have a better look at them (where the last time you saw them in person, they were running for their lives), you can see that they both have evergreen-colored coats with a yellow mane. The only real difference between them was their cutie marks - Goodfellow had a laughing mask as a cutie mark, and Robin had a crying mask as a cutie mark.

"You've probably guessed it already, but we're actually twin brothers." added Robin.

"Before we get ahead of ourselves and get into a deep conversation, we need to make our plan. Before... Octavia shows up."

As Goodfellow begins to explain, you quickly learn that Octavia still does not know that the little "switcharoo" with the Flower of the Field poem and the Rose Thorn poem was actually a prank and that the audience was staged. In fact, she thinks her life has been thoroughly ruined in upper class society. Any normal pony in Equestria would have probably just headed straight for the Ciderworks Pub that you're sitting in now, but unbeknownst to you, Robin, and Goodfellow, Octavia is... well...

Octavia is not your typical "Pony".

Oh no. Apparently she has connections with the Mio Piccolo Folla mob. Nopony knows why, nopony knows how, and nopony knows when in Octavia's life had Octavia chosen to be involved in the darker corners of Equestrian history. In fact, nopony even knew the Mio Piccolo Folla was still around, since it pretty much died out after the nationwide cider endangerment.

Anyhow, after the Rose Thorn incident, Octavia had apparently snapped, and has joined forces with the Mio Piccolo Folla in attempts to hunt down, and take down, both Robin and Goodfellow. The plan? Escape to Dodge City and wait for Octavia to blow off some steam.

Pinkie Pie gets in front of your computer screen and says, "Sounding kind of like a North by Northwest parody? ...Exactly."

You each hear a violent knock at the door.

Goodfellow cuts the explanations short and begs Sherry Berry to tell him where the secret escape, that all pubs have, is. After Sherry Berry agrees to open a door to a back room for both you, Robin, and Goodfellow scramble inside and find your/themselves in a dark tunnel leading for a long way. The door closes behind all of you, and you are sucked into the darkness of the tunnel.

A mare with a grey coat, long black mane, a g-clef cutie mark, black sunglasses, a yellow jumpsuit with black stripes on it, and a katana sheathed in her belt, trots into the Ciderworks pub, eying all of the cider-ridden ponies suspiciously behind her pitch black glasses.

She walks up to Sherry Berry, while Sherry Berry looks at her, sensing an unrelenting desire for vengeance behind the yellow costume she was wearing.

"...Octavia, is that you?"

Octavia cleared her throat, and spoke in a perfect female Russian-terminator accent.

"Octavia. Octavia Von Clef."

Although it was probably a little over the top, but Octavia brought out a sawed-off shotgun that was hidden underneath her yellow jumpsuit and loaded it, the snap of the gun filling the pub with silence, pie eyes, and dropped mugs of cider, with that cider spilling all over the floor and just staining that new rug the bartender bought. Now he'd have to buy another one. Oh well.

"...So you're going to rob me?"

"No!"

"Oh, phew. You almost had me there. Would you like anything Octavia?"

"Oh, I'd like something alright..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"..."

"...Sooo... What... What would you like?" Sherry Berry asked after that long, awkward silence.

"I'm looking for some colts."

"...Heh, ha! Aren't we all?"

"No, you don't understand."

"I... I don't?"

"No. I'm looking for two perverted colts."

"Per... Perverted colts?... Wow Octavia, I took you for the conservative type..."

"Conserva... Wha? What are you... No... NO! I'm hunting down two perverted colts."

Sherry Berry's eyes widened a little, as she took a second glance at Octavia's yellow jumpsuit laden with various hand-held objects which would usually be considered as weapons.

"...No, it's not like that!"

"Oh, no, don't worry about it Octavia - if you don't want me to, I won't tell anypony you're into femdom."

"I'M NOT INTO FEMDOM."

"Okay."

"You believe me, right?"

"Oh yeah, sure."

"All I want is to hunt them down-"

"Uh huh."

"-and wipe them off the face of Equestria-"

"Oh yeah, yeah."

"-with no femdom involved."

"Absolutely."

"...Sherry Berry, you're listening to me, right?"

"I completely agree with you."

Octavia facehoofed.

"...Oh wait, were you talking about something else?"

"Will somepony just kill me now..." Octavia grumbled.

"You don't have to feel bad about it, Octavia... I mean, I know Rainb-"

"I don't want to hear it." Octavia declared, turning around and storming out of the pub.

After walking through that long, dark tunnel, you, Robin, and Goodfellow finally find yourselves outside; the warm, fresh air finally greets you after the damp and musty smell of the tunnel. Looking around, you notice that you're actually at the bottom of the mountain which Canterlot is built on.

Suddenly, out of the blue, a camo military pickup truck drives up to the three of you and skids to a halt. After a brief moment, the driver's door opens, and a purple mare with a messy mane sticks her head out the doorway and looks at the three of you.

"Well, are you gettin' in or do you wanna get shot dead on the - 'hic' - ground?"

Figuring getting on the truck was probably the best idea, the three of you hop on the back of the pickup truck. Not long after, the driver spun the truck around in doughnuts before actually getting the truck to at least skid into driving in a straight line.

"So, who's the driver?" Goodfellow asks Robin.

"I dunno, I just called the 'need-a-professional-getaway-because-my-X-is-after-me' hotline."

"Name's 'erry Punch! I'll be taki' yo to doj city fro' 'ere!"

"...Did she say her name was Berry Punch?" Goodfellow asked.

"I thought she said Sherry..."

"No, you retard! Sherry was back up at the pub!"

"Well how am I supposed to know if there isn't more than one Sherry in Equestri-"

Suddenly, the truck hits a large bump, sending everyone flying into the air precariously before falling back down onto the truck.

"Sssorry! I'll try not ta do tha' agan!"

Robin and Goodfellow exchanged glances, as you continue to worry about the idea of the driver possibly being non-sober.

"Does she even have a driver's license?" Goodfellow asked again.

"I told you - I just called the hotline and they said they'd send somepony over. They didn't tell me anything about the driver!"

"Well I don't feel like jumping out of the frying pan and into the fire, by escaping Octavia via the back of a pickup truck being driven by a DRUNKEN DRIVER."

"Fine! I'll just tell her we're happy, ask her to drop us off, and call someone else from the 'need-a-professional-getaway-because-my-X-is-after-me' hotline, and make sure that the NEXT pony actually has a license!"

"I don't think we'll be doing that, guys..." you protest, pointing up at the sky.

Robin and Goodfellow look up at where you're pointing quizzically, before their eyes go wide, and their ears droop.

Flying high in the sky behind all of you is a Class 5, Apache, Helicopter And guess who's hanging out the passenger door with her AK-47.

Goodfellow gaped, then screamed "OH GOOD MOTHER OF CELESTIA PRINCESS LUNA DEATH BY CADENCE BEAMS!!! FLOOR IT BERRY!"

"Not a - 'hic' - problem, gaiz!" Berry slurred, flooring the truck and bringing it up to the fastest speed it could go - but only on the gear 1.

"YOU PERVERTED COLTS ARE GONNA BE DAMNED SORRY WHEN I'M FINISHED WITH YOU TWO!" shouted Octavia over the deafening chop of the helicopter propellers.

"Gah! She's gaining on us Goodfellow!" Robin cried.

"Berry! What gear is this truck on!" Goodfellow shouted.

"What? You want to put some lipstick on?"

"No! I want to know what gear this truck is on!"

"You want me to put some meuzic on!"

"No, I don't wa-"

"Okay!" Berry shouted, before slipping a cd into a boombox, which soon started playing Yakety Sax at full volume.

"YOU CAN'T DROWN ME OUT WITH YOUR DAMNED MUSIC, YOU PERVERTS!" shouted Octavia again, now loading her AK-47 with a loud snap.

"BERRY! JUST PUT THE TRUCK INTO HIGH GEAR!" shouted Robin.

"Wats tha'? Ya wan me to drive to the rear?"

BLAM BLAM BLAM

"SHE'S SHOOTIN' AT US, ROBIN!"

"Don't worry! She's probably just trying to scare our pants of-"

BLAM

"-GAH!" shouted Robin, as he grazed his hoof over his forehead, feeling that Octavia just drew blood from his scalp with a bullet, "She shot me... SHE FRICKIN' SHOT ME!"

"DANG THAT MARE'S SERIOUS!" cried Goodfellow, "BERRY! TAKE. THIS. TRUCK. TO. TOP. SPEED!"

"Ohhhh, ya want me to go - 'hic' - faster?"

"YES! WE. WANT. YOU. TO. GO. FASTER!"

"Are you sssure? I don't think I should really be driving right now anywa-"

"WE KNOW THAT BERRY AND WE DON'T CARE JUST DRIVE!"

Berry floored it, and the truck slowly but surely began to put some distance between each of you and the helicopter.

BLAM BLAM

The two shots fired and barely missed, making plink sounds as they bounced off the truck's exterior. You can see Octavia changing from the clip she has in her AK-47 to a different kind of clip, before she shouts down at Robin and Goodfellow again.

"THAT'S IT! I'M CHANGING FROM BURST TO RAPID FIRE NOW! WHY DON'T YOU CHEW ON SOME OF THIS METAL, BITCH!"

The gun began to spray bullets something fierce right down from the Apache to the truck, making a constant plinking noise with each miss. After thanking heaven above that rapid fire is less accurate than burst fire, you notice that the helicopter is slowly beginning to lose ground, as Berry Punch is just now bringing the truck to as fast as it could travel.

"We're losing her, Goodfellow! We're losing her! We're gonna live!"

"NOT TODAY YOU PERVERTS!"

Octavia shouted some indiscernible comments to the pilot of the Apache, before turning to look back at you all with a wicked grin on her face. Suddenly, two rocket launchers fold out from the sides of the Apache, and smoke dribbles out from behind them. Then, the Apache begins to hack at the air faster than before, and is now catching up with you all again.

"TASTE MY MISSILES, MOTHERBUCKERS!"

Both Robin and Goodfellow's eyes go wide, their jaws drop, and just as you are about to reconsider whether or not you really do like Octavia after all, a sudden crash from the front of the truck sends you all flying down towards the surface of the truck beneath you. Leaves and branches begin to shower down at you as the truck suddenly tilts, nose downward, and then crashes upside-down in the mud.

You hear the chopper fly past uncontrollably, as well as a resounding DAMMIT echoing from whence it flew. After some peaceful moments lying tired on the ground, you look around. Everyone looks fine, just dizzy and worn out. All around you are exotic looking trees. Then you realize something. You're in the Everfree forest.

Although that was one mighty crash since that truck you were riding in had been clocking at 120 mph, so you're a good way away from the open plains you'd been riding on a moment ago.

Feeling thoroughly tired, you all agree to just relax where you are, before you try to continue your trek for safety at Dodge City.