I Am Not the Actor

Chapters

2. I Can See That This Is Me
3. If I Speak Without Emotion
4. Now I'm to Begin
5. How Many Friends
6. Let Me Be Stormy
7. Help Me Sleep at Night
8. Can a Detail Correct Your Dismay?
9. Plagiarize Something Old
10. Nothing Ever Goes As Planned
11. Inside Outside
12. I Set the Words Up So They—
13. My Heart Felt Like—
14. Just a Figment
16. My Pride It Makes Me Sick
1. This Can't Be the Scene
15. Is It Me, for a Moment?

2. I Can See That This Is Me

2. I Can See That This Is Me

Pinkie surveyed the bakery. It was intrinsically unfamiliar. They said the bedroom was upstairs. They hadn’t said “your bedroom” or “her bedroom.” Just “the bedroom.” It must be hers now, though.

All her friends had talked about stuff like that for a long time. They had asked her questions, examined her cutie mark, whispered to each other. Her friends were so smart and careful. They wanted to make sure there were no cheaters, that she had really won the contest fair and square.

Finally, after a long, boring examination, they said everypony should get some rest, that it had been a long day. They were right, of course.

“Where’s my house?” Pinkie had asked. She needed to start learning how to be herself, after all.

Her friends hadn’t answered right away. Eventually the blue one, Rainbow, had led her here. “The bedroom is upstairs, on the left,” she had said. They must need to finish up everything. Maybe they needed to fill out paperwork, or something like that.

Pinkie examined the room carefully. It was hers, after all. She loved the décor. Lots of pastel colors, with party paraphernalia scattered everywhere. There were some paper cutouts of snowflakes and ponies on a desk; the previous Pinkie Pie must’ve been working on them before she lost the game. Sure looked like fun. There was also a large whiteboard covered with recipes and sticky notes in one corner. The closet was open; a few outfits were spilling out of it, but otherwise it was well-organized.

Pinkie liked the bed most of all. The covers had a big embroidered picture of her cutie mark on them. Three balloons, because she loved fun. There was a large chest at the foot of it. When she opened it, various toys greeted her. She grabbed the nearest one: a yellow box with a red disc on one side and a red strip poking out of the other.

She examined the toy for a moment, unsure what it was. On a whim she grabbed the red strip with her mouth and tugged on it, sending the disc spinning off to the other side of her room.

Pinkie laughed. She had good taste in toys. She dug through the box some more, and eventually pulled out a dull pink rubber sack. It appeared quite bland.

“What’s this boring thing doing in here?” she asked aloud. She gave it a tentative poke, and felt a small rush of air squeak out of it. Intrigued, she pushed harder and was rewarded with a loud facsimile of a fart.

Pinkie burst out laughing, and continued exploring the room with renewed curiosity.

There was a hamper next to the chest, but when she opened that it was empty. On the nightstand was a big journal, no doubt full of recipes and schedules and other fun things. She’d read it later. It was hers; she’d be able to read it any time she liked.

She was tired, but she knew she wouldn’t be able to sleep. She was too excited. She had a whole new life waiting for her. A whole lifetime of friends and fun and parties and music and who knows what else. She had earned it. It was hers. Shouldn’t she get started right away?

She walked over to the desk with the paper cutouts on it. There was a big stack of construction paper off to one side, and a cup with dozens of different scissors in it on the other. Pinkie picked up a folded sheet of paper, and as it fell open she saw that there were designs cut into it.

“Oh, I get it. You cut the folded paper, and it multiples! I mean, multiplies. What fun!”

She would go to sleep soon. There was no harm in trying the paper cutouts now, though. What was life for if not for fun?

She picked up the scissors. It took her a few tries to figure out how to hold them correctly. She tried using one hoof, then both hooves, and then just one and her mouth. Once she was confident they wouldn’t slip off her hoof, she took the paper and made a few haphazard slices into it. When she finally unfolded the stack of paper it didn’t look anything like the others on the table. That was okay, it was still really fun!

She grabbed another sheet of paper and folded it. The creases didn’t line up at all, but her cut was a little straighter this time. She grabbed a third sheet of paper, and a fourth. By the sixth sheet she had forgotten there was a clock in the room at all, let alone what time it was.

Author's Note

Trivia: the Pinkie who won is the very first Pinkie that was summoned from the mirror pool.

3. If I Speak Without Emotion

3. If I Speak Without Emotion

“I’m back,” Dash announced. As she walked in, she noticed the painted wall from the test was still sitting on the stage.

“And?” Rarity asked.

“I dropped her off at Sugarcube Corner. She seemed like she could take care of herself, so I didn’t stay.”

“I suppose that’s best for now… Thank goodness the Cakes are still on vacation.”

“How’s Twilight?” Dash asked.

“Upset.”

“Well, duh. I knew that.”

“Yes, but you know Twilight. Applejack has been attempting to comfort her ever since you left, but it isn’t doing much good.”

Dash glanced around. “Fluttershy come back yet?”

Rarity shook her head. “None of us have seen her since she ran off.”

“And, uhm, what about you?”

“I’ve been better, dear.”

Rainbow floated over and sat on the bench next to Rarity. She reached over to put a hoof on the unicorn’s shoulder, but was interrupted by a door being flung open. Twilight stormed out of it, Applejack a few steps behind her.

“Twilight, come back!” Applejack shouted.

“Just because you keep saying it doesn’t make it true, Applejack.” Twilight’s eyes were still puffy, but she managed to trot towards the exit in a mostly-straight line.

“It’s not your fault!”

Twilight spun back to face Applejack.

“You heard that clone! I was the judge! I was the one deciding who stayed and who didn’t! I was the one who cast the ‘back-from-where-you-came’ spells. I was the one who made doubly sure the subjects couldn’t be retrieved with magic. So stop lying to me!” Twilight spun around again and ran out the door.

“I wasn’t lyin’,” Applejack muttered.

“Oh? Then whose fault do you think it was?” Rainbow asked skeptically.

“It wasn’t anypony’s fault, Rainbow Dash. You should know that.”

“Well, it’s like Twilight said earlier, you know? Blaming that fake Pinkie would be a lot easier…”

Rarity and AJ exchanged a glance.

“Rainbow…” Rarity put a hoof on Dash’s shoulder. “Grief doesn’t work that way.”

Rainbow’s wings drooped slightly. “I know that…”

Rarity pulled Dash into a proper hug.

“There’s no need to hold it in,” Rarity said softly.

Dash didn’t return the hug. “I’m not holding anything in.”

“Not even a little?” Rarity asked.

“You don’t gotta pretend with us, sugarcube.”

Rainbow squirmed out of Rarity’s grip. “It’s not that. I love Pinkie Pie. A lot. It’s just…”

Rarity leaned in. “‘Just’ what?”

Rainbow looked away, rubbed her shoulder, unsure how to put it. “It just…it doesn’t feel like she’s gone.”

Twilight kept running in no direction in particular. Nopony was awake this time of night. The city was practically empty as she ran, aimlessly going through street after street. Streetlights and moonlight were her only companions. She didn’t expect to crash into somepony, let alone Fluttershy.

“Oh, uhm, sorry.” Fluttershy instinctively swept her hair in front of her face. She hastily wiped her eyes, not that it had much effect. She pushed the bag she had been carrying behind her back.

Twilight sniffed. “Fluttershy!? What are you doing here? Were you coming to help us decide what to do with the fake Pinkie?”

“Oh, uhm, well, sort of. I guess…”

“We didn’t decide anything. We just cried a lot and finally stuck her in Sugarcube Corner until tomorrow.” Twilight suddenly buried herself in Fluttershy’s coat, both of them collapsing onto the street. “Oh, Fluttershy, I can’t believe I was so stupid. This whole mess is all my fault…!” Twilight felt some of her tears and mucous smear onto Fluttershy's coat. She made a mental note to apologize for it later.

Fluttershy gently stroked Twilight’s mane. “There, there, Twilight. It’ll all be…okay.”

Twilight missed the uneven enunciation. “How can you say that!? One of our friends is gone forever because of me!” When she turned to look at Fluttershy’s face, Twilight saw something out of the corner of her eye.

Twilight sat upright. “Fluttershy, what’s in that bag?”

“Oh, uhm, it’s just a housewarming gift…”

“For who?”

“…Pinkie?”

“What!? Are you actually suggesting we let that fake stay here!?”

“Well, you said nopony decided what to do with her, and you haven’t, uhm, gotten rid of her…yet…”

“Well, yes, but…” Twilight was reminded of her outburst at town hall. Magic would’ve been faster. “I don’t think…”

“Trust me, Twilight, I thought about it a lot.” Fluttershy picked up the bag, and Twilight finally noticed her eyes were more than a little puffy. “She may not be the real Pinkie Pie, but she’s still a pony. And she’s a lot better than having no Pinkie at all…”

Twilight wanted to state the obvious, but she couldn’t quite get her mouth to form the words.

Fluttershy grabbed the bag and began to walk off. “Since she’s asleep I’ll give her…I mean, Pinkie, this tomorrow. Good night, Twilight.”

Fluttershy left, but Twilight sat in the middle of the road for some time.

4. Now I'm to Begin

4. Now I’m to Begin

Twilight had been staring at the door to Sugarcube Corner for a while now. She hadn’t been able to sleep. She had just been thinking about what Fluttershy had told her, and why she hadn’t been able to argue with her.

When she told her other friends, they had agreed with Fluttershy. She hadn’t been able to argue with them, either. Whenever she tried, she thought back to her poorly planned attack back in town hall. Twilight shook her head. Too late now, she thought to herself. She pushed the thoughts out of her mind and went back to staring at the door.

Twilight knew Pinkie Pie got up early every day to prepare for parties. She was hesitant to knock on the door this early. That social more of interrupting a sleeping person festered at the front of her mind. What if this new Pinkie was a late sleeper? What if Twilight had to wait around until noon to tell that imposter what everypony had decided?

“No. I’m not gonna sit here that long,” she whispered. The words were very loud in the quiet morning. They didn’t convince her as much as she had hoped, but she finally got up the nerve and knocked on the door anyway.

A small flurry of noise echoed from inside the building. A few seconds later it subsided, and Pinkie flung open the door.

Her eyes lit up, and a huge smile swept across her face. “Twilight! I’m so happy to see you!” Pinkie flung her arms around Twilight.

Twilight didn’t return the hug. “Uhm, hello, Pinkie. May I come in?”

“Of course, of course! How silly of me!” Pinkie released Twilight and bounced back inside. “Come in, come in! I was just baking cupcakes. It’s what I do, after all!”

Twilight set her bag by the door. She had half-expected the place to be a mess, to have all the furniture rearranged, to be painted a different color, to somehow reflect how abnormal everything felt. Except it didn’t. Everything was exactly the same.

She followed Pinkie into the kitchen. There was a notable pile of pots and utensils scattered everywhere. “I see you haven’t figured out how to do dishes yet.”

“Nope! I’m working on it, though.”

Twilight sighed. The anger and guilt and fatigue seemed to cancel each other out, and she managed to speak calmly. “Anyway, I came here to tell you that everypony decided to let you stay.”

Pinkie gasped. “Really!? See, I told everypony I won fair and square! There’s no way I would ever cheat with something that important.”

“Yea, well, congratulations, I guess.” Imposter.

“Just you wait, Twilight! I’m going to be the best Pinkie Pie ever. I promise not to disappoint you or any of my other new friends!” Pinkie hopped over to Twilight and gave her another one-sided embrace.

Thankfully, the doorbell rang.

“Oh boy! Another visitor!” Pinkie skipped into the foyer, and returned moments later with Fluttershy.

“Look, Twilight! Fluttershy came by to give me a housewarming present!”

“Hi, Fluttershy.” Twilight said evenly.

“Oh, uhm, hi, Twilight.”

“Oh man, this is the best day ever. My first-ever present, from my first-ever friends!” There was a loud ding from the oven. “And my first-ever batch of cookies! Wait right here.” Pinkie leapt over to the oven and began to pull out several large baking trays.

“I thought she was baking cupcakes…?” Twilight asked aloud.

“Well, she’s…enthusiastic.”

“She’ll never be Pinkie Pie, no matter how much or how well she bakes.”

“If you say so…”

“Crumpets are done! What are you two whispering about?”

“Nothing,” Twilight answered promptly.

“Ooh, so it’s a secret? I love those! They’re a lot of fun. Is it about me? It’s about me isn’t it? Anyway, try these brownies! Fresh from the oven!” Pinkie offered them the tray of baked goods. The shapeless brown lumps scattered across it looked incredibly unappetizing.

“They look, uhm, nice.” Fluttershy took one, and Twilight reluctantly followed suit.

Pinkie smiled and carried the tray back to the kitchen island, singing a song to herself as she slid the cupcakecookiebrowniecrumpets onto a plate. She looked up and found the other two staring at her. “What?”

“I’ve never heard that song before,” Twilight said.

“Oh, well, I guess you wouldn’t have! It’s from the other side of the pond.”

Twilight and Fluttershy exchanged a glance, though Twilight’s was more of a resentful glare.

“Well, don’t just stand there, dig in!”

The two ponies braced themselves, and finally took a bite simultaneously. They spat them out simultaneously as well.

“Sooo, what did you think?” Pinkie asked excitedly.

5. How Many Friends

5. How Many Friends

Pinkie skipped out of her house. It was such a beautiful day. Twilight and Fluttershy had left to go do something, but that was okay. Her friends were so amazing; naturally they would be in high demand. Besides, Pinkie had things to do too; she had to say “hello” to every pony in Ponyville. It was just one of the many fun parts of being Pinkie Pie.

As she bounced down the street she saw her first new friends: a teal unicorn and an off-white earth pony.

“Hi, girls!”

“Oh, hello, Pinkie.” The unicorn didn’t sound very happy.

“What’s the matter? You don’t sound very happy. Did you skip breakfast or something?”

“No, it’s, uhm…”

The earth pony nudged her friend. “Lyra, what are you doing?” she whispered. “Stop talking to it.”

“Who’s ‘it?’” Pinkie glanced around. “You two sound sad. Is there something I can do to help? I was gonna say ‘hello’ to every pony in town, but you know I always have time to help my friends!”

Lyra looked to the side. “It’s nothing. We’re just late for…something.”

“Oh, okay! Have fun at your appointment, Lyra, and…uhm, what was your name again?”

But the ponies had already left. They were arguing about something; they must not have heard her.

Pinkie shrugged and continued skipping. Then she saw her next new friend. They weren’t having a good day either. Neither was her fourth friend. Or her fifth.

Then she saw one of her old friends.

“Hi, Rarity! What’re you up to?”

Rarity looked up from the bread she had been examining. “Oh, uhm, hello, Pinkie. Just buying some groceries.” She hastily handed some bits to the pony behind the counter and settled the loaf of bread into her bags. “How are you doing today?”

“Great!” Pinkie punctuated the word with an upward pronk. “I was saying hello to everypony in town, but none of them want to talk to me.”

Rarity started walking towards a different stall and Pinkie hopped after her.

“Do you know why everypony is so grumpy today? Did something happen?”

“Well, honestly I wouldn’t know.” Rarity kept her eyes on the road ahead. The streets were mostly empty this early in the day.

“Really?” Pinkie frowned. “But you’re so smart, you’ve gotta know something!”

“Sorry, Pinkie, but I really have to finish up my shopping.” Rarity ground to a halt as Pinkie appeared right in front of her face.

“You’re sure you don’t know what’s wrong? You’re acting just like everypony else.”

Rarity’s eyes flicked to the side. “Well, Pinkie, sometimes it’s hard to notice how something is different.”

“What do you mean?”

Rarity reluctantly made eye contact with Pinkie. “I mean, sometimes little changes can make ponies just as, er, ‘grumpy’ as big changes can.”

Pinkie scratched her head. “But wouldn’t the little ones be easier to fix?”

“Well, as I said, often the smaller things are harder to notice.”

Pinkie giggled. “But then why would they bother anypony at all? Shouldn’t they just ignore them?”

“Well, some ponies certainly can, but it’s not always that simple.”

Pinkie cocked her head. “Why not?”

“They build up, all those little things.” Rarity glanced at her saddlebags. “It’s like the stitches on clothing. If just one thread comes loose it’s often not a concern.” She looked back at Pinkie. “But if a dozen do then the entire piece feels different. It might be too loose in certain spots, or too tight in others, and you can’t tell exactly what is wrong, you just know that something is. And some ponies don’t react to that very well.”

Pinkie nodded. “Ohhhh, okay, I see what you mean. So you think a bunch of little things changed and that’s making everypony upset?”

Rarity looked away. “Perhaps.”

“Well, I’ll just have to keep an extra-careful, super-attentive eye on everything while I say hello to everypony! Maybe I’ll be able to help un-grumpify everyone!” Pinkie beamed. “Thanks a lot, Rarity!” She took a step in no particular direction. “I’ll let you get back to your shopping. Be sure to tell me if you notice any of those little differences!”

Pinkie bounced off, humming an unfamiliar tune. Another talk with somepony, another new friend with an important appointment. Pinkie shrugged and skipped off again, still humming.

She didn’t notice Rarity watching her. She didn’t notice Rarity sigh, wipe her eyes, and walk off, either.

Twilight stared at her book. It was still on the title page, same as it had been for the last hour. A glance at her parchment showed it was still completely blank, save her name scrawled unevenly across the top. She closed her eyes, and the test flashed through her mind again. Especially the end. Pinkie had gotten so excited when Twilight declared her the winner. So happy about…

Twilight’s eyes snapped open. She knew it wasn’t healthy to dwell on it; all the books said so. Despite all the assurances it wasn’t her fault, it just wouldn’t leave her mind. The simple fact was that they had no Pinkie Pie anymore, just some imposter who wanted to replace her. All the clone’s attempts to be Pinkie Pie only rubbed salt in the wound.

Twilight suddenly looked up, her eyes wide.

“That’s it,” she whispered to herself. It wasn’t a very good plan. Twilight knew that. Even as she said the words she felt ashamed of herself. That wouldn’t matter if it worked, though. Anything would be better than wallowing in her own failure like this.

Twilight grabbed her bag and stuffed a few select books in it, then set off for Sugarcube Corner. When she opened the library door, however, Rarity was standing in her way.

“Sorry to barge in on you like this, Twilight. I was just talking to…” Suddenly Rarity noticed Twilight’s bag. “Oh, sorry, were you heading somewhere?”

“Oh, nowhere important.”

Rarity sighed. “You’re a terrible liar, Twilight.”

“Really, it’s nothing. What did you need?”

“Oh, well, I know I’ve been trying to stay calm about it, and I know you haven’t gotten over it yet, but I just saw Pinkie downtown and had to talk to somepony.”

“Why? What happened?”

Rarity gave her the gist of it, then sighed loudly. “I know I shouldn’t expect anypony to just accept it. I certainly haven’t. But, well...” Rarity leaned closer to Twilight. “I think Pinkie may be making it worse.”

“Making what worse?”

“You know, adjusting to all of this. Accepting the...situation.”

Twilight smiled. “Don’t worry, Rarity. I was actually just about to go fix that very problem.”

Rarity frowned. “I do not like the sound of that.”

“Trust me, Rarity, it’ll work. I haven’t planned it all the way through yet, but I’m certain it will work.”

“Dare I ask the nature of this plan?”

Twilight’s smile widened. “I’m going to help her be Pinkie, of course.”

Rarity shook her head. “I should have known better than to try and confide in you. You’re taking this harder than any of us.”

“Of course I am! But it’s going to be okay now. Like I said, I have a plan.”

“Twilight, you cannot fix grief with plans!” Rarity leaned forward. “It simply doesn’t work that way.”

“Ha, that’s what you think!”

Rarity put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder. “Twilight, please, listen. I know you’re not taking this well. Nopony is. Nopony can. Nopony should. But being reckless will only make things that much worse.”

“I’m not being reckless. I made flowcharts, I weighed every option, I planned out everything.” Twilight tapped her head, pushing Rarity’s hoof away in the process. “It’s allll up here. I just haven’t written them down yet. I’ll show you when I get back, then you’ll see that this will work. But right now I have to go.”

“Twilight, listen to me. I know whatever you’re planning seems like a good idea, but just slow down and think about it for a second. You can’t be impulsive about these sorts of things.”

“Get out of the way, Rarity.”

Twilight stepped towards the door, but Rarity planted a hoof in front of her.

“I am not moving until you listen to some sense.”

Twilight narrowed her eyes, and with a loud pop and a flash of purple of magic, she vanished.

Rarity didn’t have to guess where she had gone. She sighed loudly and fluffed her mane. “Well, perhaps it’s good I went to her, after all. Damage control is better when it’s timely.” Rarity started toward Sugarcube Corner at a brisk, though still ladylike, pace.

“I don’t get it, Goomi. I was friendly to everypony all morning, and none of them wanted to talk to me.”

The alligator slowly opened one eye, then closed it again. The rest of his body remained curled up and immobile.

Pinkie laughed. “Guess you’re right. I have the whole afternoon to keep trying!”

Pinkie grabbed one of her cupcakecookiebrowniecrumpets and popped it into her mouth. Mmm, chewy.

There was a knock at her door and Pinkie’s eyes lit up. In no time at all she had zipped over and opened it.

“Hi, Twilight! I’m so glad to see you!”

“Hi, Pinkie. May I come in?”

“Of course, of course! What’s up?”

“Well, I was thinking… After eating your…food, earlier, I think it might be good if I gave you some baking lessons!” Twilight was not good at faking cheer.

Pinkie giggled. “Oh, Twilight. I already know how to bake! I’m Pinkie Pie, remember? That’s what I do!”

Twilight knew Pinkie would say that. She had planned out all her answers just in case, and number eleven was already leaving her mouth before Pinkie had even finished. “But that’s just it, Pinkie! You could always be better at being…yourself.” She faltered on the last word, but Pinkie didn’t notice. “Why do you think I read so many books? It’s all so I can be a better Twilight.” Twilight really was a terrible liar.

Pinkie pondered for a moment. “Wellllllll…I guess that makes sense. But do you even know how to bake?”

“Of course. P—I mean, a friend of mine taught me how. She was one of the best.” Twilight trotted into the kitchen, pulling out the cookbooks she had brought.

Pinkie shrugged and bounced after her. No harm in humoring Twilight. Besides, baking with one of her best friends was sure to be lots of fun.

6. Let Me Be Stormy

6. Let Me Be Stormy

Twilight propped open the book on a stand. “So, why don’t we start with what went wr—I mean, why don’t you tell me how you did it last time?”

“Oh, that’s easy! I was upstairs making paper things with scissors, and then I started to get hungry. So I realized I live in a bakery! Best decision I ever made! So I hopped downstairs and I realized that these books told you how to bake stuff! I grabbed one and I was looking at all the amazing stuff in it, and I couldn’t pick just one, so I decided to make all of them!”

“Well, that explains a few things,” Twilight muttered to herself.

“It sure does! So after I chose my four favorite things, I just followed the instructions. The book was really specific and helpful and detailed and it was pretty easy.”

“Uhm, okay…why don’t we follow just one this time?”

Pinkie shrugged. “Sure, why not?”

Twilight flipped through a few pages. “Alright, here. Chocolate chip cookies. Easy.” Twilight propped the book near Pinkie. “Show me how you would make these.”

Pinkie bounced over to the book and began reading the recipe. Twilight saw her mouthing the words as her eyes traveled down the instructions.

“You actually read the recipe?” Twilight asked skeptically.

“Shh, I’m not done.”

Twilight frowned. As Pinkie continued reading, her hoof started tapping slowly against the floor.

After a rather long wait, Pinkie snapped away from the cookbook and skipped over to the pantry and cupboards. She wrestled a measuring cup, bowl, whisks and other utensils from the latter, and bags of flour, chips, and other ingredients from the former. She balanced them on her back and head as she brought them back to the table, and dropped them with a dramatic flourish.

Twilight glanced sideways. Pinkie Pie would only ever do one trip, as well. Helped get to the good part faster, she had claimed.

Pinkie grabbed a large measuring cup in her teeth, and then scooped some flour from the bag. She got a fair bit on her nose and hair in the process. She held the cup over the bag, pushed the excess flour off with her hoof, then dumped it into a large bowl. She repeated this a second time, and a third, and Twilight heard her stamp her hoof to count each one. She took a fourth scoop, and delicately shook out some flour until the cup was exactly half full. She put it on the counter and squatted down to make sure she had gotten it just right.

“You know, it doesn’t need to be perfectly precise,” Twilight muttered.

“Well, the book said three-and-a-half cups.”

“Yeah, but—”

“Twilight, shush. I’m trying to measure this.”

Twilight glared at Pinkie but didn’t say anything else. Pinkie finally nodded at the cup, then dumped the last of the flour into the bowl.

She set up another, smaller bowl near the first one, and grabbed an egg from the pile of ingredients. She tapped it against the table, but when she tried to crack it open over the bowl using her hooves and mouth a large chunk of the shell landed in the bowl, and a fair bit of egg landed on the table.

“Uhm, oops. Lemme start over.”

“It doesn’t need to be exact, Pinkie,” Twilight said. Her voice had gotten a little louder.

Pinkie didn’t catch the increased volume. “The book didn’t say ‘half an egg,’ Twilight. Haha, who would use half an egg in a recipe?”

Rarity pressed her face up against the glass. She hadn’t been sure what to expect, and Twilight and Pinkie baking together was certainly not expected.

She walked through the door, and the creaking of wood and the tingling bell were covered up by a sudden shout from Twilight.

“No…no, no, NO! This is all wrong!”

Pinkie recoiled at Twilight’s tone. “How can I be doing it wrong?” Pinkie nervously poked a hoof at the cookbook. “I followed the recipe, and I measured everything, and—”

“That’s the problem! You’re not supposed to measure things, and follow recipes, and be careful! That’s not how the real—”

Rarity coughed, just loudly enough.

Twilight froze. She already knew who it was: she knew that cough very well. “That’s not how the real, uhm, bakers do it,” she stammered.

Pinkie poked her head around Twilight. She gasped, waved excitedly, and hopped over to Rarity, in that order. “Hi, Rarity!”

“Hello, Pinkie.”

“Did you come over to help me and Twilight with our baking lessons?”

“No. I actually came over to talk to Twilight. Alone, if that’s alright.”

“Ooooh, do you have a secret? Is about me?”

“Uhm, no. It’s about…”

“One of our friends,” Twilight blurted.

“Ooh, which one?” Pinkie asked.

“Uhm…P…R…Fluttershy,” Twilight said.

“Oh, well, you can tell me! Maybe I can help. You know I’d never blab anypony’s secrets. I’d never do anything to hurt my friends, I promise!”

“What kind of promise?” Twilight asked.

“There’s more than one type of promise?”

Twilight glared at Pinkie, but Rarity quickly stepped between them.

“Anyway, as I was saying, Twilight… I need to talk to you about, er, Fluttershy.”

“There’s nothing to talk about.”

Pinkie smiled and started back towards the kitchen counter, but stopped when Rarity started talking.

“Isn’t there? This,” Rarity waved a hoof at the kitchen, but quickly retracted it, “I mean, that little stunt you pulled is an incredibly shallow attempt to alleviate your guilt!”

“It’ll work,” Twilight mumbled.

“What’ll work?” Pinkie asked.

Rarity snorted derisively. “Would you listen to yourself, Twilight? Even ignoring your teaching methods, it’s just a desperate band-aid, and you know it!”

“So what!?” Twilight finally bothered to look at Rarity. “I got so restless, so sick of wallowing in guilt. Anything had to be better than that!”

“Trying to bring her back will only make it worse,” Rarity said softly. “It’ll just keep reminding you of it, and the wound will never heal.”

Pinkie tilted her head. “Bring who back?”

“Her existence reminds me of it. And I can’t get rid of her, so this is the next best thing. And I know everypony else feels the same way. You said so yourself.”

“Twilight…”

“You just don’t get it, Rarity. I…” Twilight started to whisper. “I killed her.” She glanced at Pinkie. “….Pet…rabbit. Every time I close my eyes I see it happen again, and every time I see,” another glance, “Fluttershy, I see it again. This is the only way it’ll stop. It has to work.”

“It’s not the only way, Twilight. Let me help you.” Rarity reached out to comfort her friend, but Twilight shrunk away.

“No, no this will work. It has to. Magic won’t work on them, so this is all I’ve got. I just, I just need to talk to somepony… To Fluttershy.” An idea dawned on Twilight. “Yes, of course, Fluttershy.” Twilight trotted off, grabbing her saddlebag as she went.

“Twilight, wait!” Rarity called after her.

But Twilight had already slammed the door.

Pinkie turned to Rarity. “Wow, Twilight is really upset about that pet rabbit!” Pinkie scratched her head. “Sounds to me like it was an accident. Shouldn’t it be easy to forgive herself?”

“Well, Twilight places very high standards on herself, Pinkie. She doesn’t think of it as an accident.”

“Will she ever get over it?”

“I hope so.”

“Can I do anything to help?”

“She just needs to talk about it with somepony. Perhaps she really did go see Fluttershy.”

Pinkie smiled. “Oh, well then I’m sure it’ll all work out! If Fluttershy is the problem then talking to her is the best thing she can do, right? You can’t just avoid ponies you have a problem with.”

“Er, yes, I suppose so.” Rarity adjusted her bags and started towards the door. “Sorry to interrupt your day, Pinkie. I’m afraid I must be off; I have something important to do.”

“Ooh, hold on a sec’!” Pinkie dashed to the kitchen and back again, and handed Rarity one of her chimeric cupcakes. “One for the road. I made them myself!”

Rarity reluctantly grabbed it, and appraised it for a long moment. Pinkie leaned forward expectantly. Rarity delicately, slowly, carefully placed it into her mouth. Pinkie continued to stare at her. She waited a long time before beginning to chew. After what seemed like eons, the lump finally started to break apart, and Rarity swallowed it, her eye twitching noticeably as she did so.

She coughed loudly. “Uhm, chewy.”

Pinkie grinned. “I knew you’d like it! Have fun on your errands!” She bounced exuberantly into the kitchen.

Well, it isn’t nearly as bad as Sweetie’s cooking, Rarity thought to herself as she left. The comparison wasn't terribly comforting.

Author's Note

Subtext

7. Help Me Sleep at Night

7. Help Me Sleep at Night

Fluttershy stared at the massive sheet of parchment for a moment longer, then finally gave up and turned it ninety degrees. Another turn, and then a third did nothing to make Twilight’s microscopic writing any clearer. The mathematical equations and diagrams only made it worse.

Twilight leaned forward expectantly. “Well? What do you think?” Her voice had a conspiratorial tone.

“Uhm, well, I’m sorry, but I’m not sure what I’m looking at.”

Twilight sighed. “I should’ve known you wouldn’t want to help. And obviously Rarity won’t want to…”

“Well, no. Sorry, what I meant was, I can’t read your writing.”

Twilight rubbed her neck. “Heh, yeah, I suppose I did rush a bit. And the calculus might not’ve been strictly necessary.”

Fluttershy turned it again, and then simply let it flop onto her coffee table. “So…what is it?”

Twilight smiled. “A training regimen.”

“And who are we training, and at what, exactly?”

“Pinkie, of course.”

“Oh…”

“What?”

“Well, uhm, it looks like you put a lot of effort into it and everything…”

“Oh, of course I did! I planned out everything! Every skill, every area, every possible thing. If we use this, then after a while she’ll be just like the real Pinkie Pie!”

“Twilight…”

“Don’t give me that look, Fluttershy. Rarity gave me the same one. This will work.”

“I didn’t say it wouldn’t work, Twilight, but—”

“‘But’ what?”

“Well, uhm, I’m sure it could work, but I’m not sure it’s a good idea.”

“And why not?”

“She’s a pony too, Twilight.”

Twilight chuckled. Fluttershy nervously followed suit.

“But that’s why it’s so perfect!” Twilight leaned forward excitedly. “She wants to be Pinkie Pie, and that’s exactly what I’m going to help her do. Be Pinkie Pie. I’m giving that imposter exactly what she wants.”

“It just seems so…manipulative and, uhm, well, a little…selfish,” Fluttershy squeaked.

Twilight planted her hooves on the coffee table. Fluttershy instinctively sunk backward into her couch.

“So what if it’s selfish! Everypony will be happier this way!” Twilight leaned forward, and Fluttershy pushed herself a few more inches into the cushions. “You keep pretending to like her, but the rest of the town hates her. I know, Rarity said so. This is for the best. This will work. Everything can just go…go back to normal. I have to fix it! I have to fix my mistake somehow!”

“Twilight…”

“You don’t…you don’t understand, Fluttershy.” Twilight fell backward onto the couch, turning her head to the side. “I haven't slept since it happened. Every time I try I see it again. And every time I see her it’s the same way.” She tucked her legs against her chest. “I know nopony in town likes her, for the same reason, but they don’t have to deal with the guilt. Nonstop guilt.” She fell sideways into the cushions, her voice started to crack. “And I can’t deny it. I can’t argue with it. It’s all my fault. All my fault…” Tears finally overcame her words, and Twilight scrunched her eyes shut, knowing full well the memory was going to be there waiting for her. It seemed slightly preferable to watching Fluttershy judge her.

Suddenly Twilight felt a warm body pressing against hers. She felt feathers wrapped around her back, and a hoof gently wiping tears off her face. Her eyes snapped open and she saw Fluttershy hugging her, though the rest of her body remained a fetal ball.

“Shh…it’ll be okay, Twilight.”

The platitude only caused a fresh wave of tears. “Yes, obviously.” Twilight managed to force out some sarcasm.

“No, it will.” Fluttershy stroked Twilight’s mane as gently as possible. “Because… I’m going to help you, with your…idea.”

Rainbow Dash opened one eye. Something felt off. She leaned over the edge of her cloud on instinct, curious about what had disturbed her nap.

Pinkie was talking to somepony. She was as chipper as ever, but after only a few sentences the other pony left in a huff. Pinkie scratched her head, shrugged, and started to hop off towards the next one.

“Pinkie Pie? What’re you doing?”

Pinkie’s eyes darted around and she finally looked up. “Oh, hi, Rainbow Dash! I was just saying ‘hello’ to every pony in Ponyville! Something bad must’ve happened, though; Everypony is in a really bad mood today. Do you have any idea why?”

“I, uh, couldn’t say…”

“Oh, well, I’m sure if it’s important somepony will tell me eventually! I’ll let you get back to your nap!” Pinkie skipped a few feet forward, and quickly encountered another potential friend. This one simply ignored her and continued walking. Pinkie called after them, but they continued ignoring her until finally they were out of sight.

“Uhm, Pinkie…?”

“Yeah?” Pinkie eagerly spun back around.

“How many ponies have you talked to today?”

“Forty-three!”

“And, uhm, how many of them said more than three sentences to you?”

“Two! One of them said about three sentences, but technically they were addressing their friend not me, but I did learn the friend’s name as a result, so I guess that might count! Why?”

Rainbow rubbed the back of her neck nervously, and finally flew off her cloud and landed near Pinkie. “Well, uhm, do you…want to do…something?”

“Like what?”

“Well, we could go get lunch. I’m starving. Being as awesome as I am does burn up a lot of calories.”

“Sleeping burns calories?”

“I was power napping.”

“Ohhhhhh, okay, that makes sense. But don’t you have to finish power napping then?”

Rainbow smiled. Her teeth weren't quite level. “What, can’t I have a late lunch with my friend?”

Pinkie’s eyes lit up. “Of course we can!” She flung herself around Rainbow.

“Yeah, yeah, okay, don’t get all sappy on me. You’re paying, after all.”

Fluttershy continued staring at the dense diagram, but it failed to get any more comprehensible. Perhaps flying and reading it at the same time wasn’t helping, but she doubted that was the only problem.

“I don’t know, Twilight. This still seems a little…convoluted.”

“It’ll be fine. Trust me.”

“Couldn’t you just use magic or something to make her a better baker?”

“No. I can’t use magic.”

“Why not?”

“You wouldn’t understand…”

Fluttershy leaned in closer to Twilight. “Wouldn’t I?” The two of them stopped.

Twilight took a deep breath. “I just… I just can’t, okay? Magic is what caused this whole problem in the first place. Using more of it will just make things worse.”

“That wasn’t your fault, Twilight. You did everything you could.”

Twilight turned her head away. “No, I didn’t. I knew you wouldn’t understand.”

“Twilight, wait. I’m sorry, I’m listening. What do you mean?”

Twilight glanced at Fluttershy, then took a deep breath. “The spell to send the Pinkies back, it was attuned to one location, not to who it was used on. So, it would send things to the same spot regardless of who they were. If I had taken the time to study it more carefully, to actually think about its construction, I might’ve been able to make it discriminate between the real Pinkie Pie and the fake ones.”

“It was new magic. You couldn’t have known, Twilight. Maybe you still don't.”

Twilight snorted derisively. “Oh, but I knew enough to prevent the targets from returning via magic, didn’t I? If I had spent that much effort on studying the spell, taken a few days or weeks or months to restructure it, I wouldn’t have…” Twilight shook her head. “Some Element of Magic I am. I got careless on the important parts and my safeguards made things worse. I’m such a…a shortsighted, careless idiot.”

“You didn’t—”

“Didn’t what? Didn’t what?”

Fluttershy was silent.

“Exactly. Don’t pretend this isn’t my fault, because it is. And I’m going to fix it, and I’m not going to make things worse with magic this time. Never again.” Twilight spun around and continued walking. Fluttershy hesitated briefly and then floated after her.

Rainbow Dash never, ever admitted when she made a mistake. At least not out loud. As she watched Pinkie examining their table’s salt shaker with a naïve curiosity, however, she was sorely tempted to reconsider that policy. Thankfully Pinkie put it down before the desire became too potent.

“Uhm, Pinkie? You might want to look at your menu, not the napkin holder.”

Pinkie’s hoof paused in mid-air and took a sharp turn away from the center of the table.

“Right, sorry. I just love how everything matches everything else. This place looks great!”

The diner was not a bastion of fashion, but it did have a pleasant, simple aesthetic. The booth they were seated in was comfortably plain and clean. There were a few other patrons scattered about, but even when it was full the place never felt crowded.

“Yeah, I like it here too. Not too fancy, not too trashy. Helps me think. And helps me eat.” Dash smiled.

Both mares began to peruse their menus. Dash knew most of the items on it, so she didn’t give it her full attention. Instead, she focused on an argument in the corner of her eye. Several of the waitstaff were frowning and gesturing at their table, though none of their words were loud enough to carry over.

“This menu is terrible!”

Dash looked up. “Sorry, what?”

“What's wrong with this menu? There's no cupcakes or cake or candy or anything on it!”

“You could order something else.”

Pinkie gasped. “You mean there’s food besides cupcakes!?” She failed to notice the sudden stares she received.

Sounds like Pinkie, Rainbow mused. “Uhm, yeah. Most of it is pretty good. Some of it has a lot of calories, though.”

“Oh, okay!” Pinkie scanned her menu, and then closed it and let it flop onto the table. “Alright, I picked something! Where do we go to make it?”

It occurred to Rainbow that she had never been to a restaurant with Pinkie, or even seen her in a restaurant. Unless that donut shop counted, and it probably did not. “No, see, you wait and they make it for you,” Rainbow explained.

Pinkie frowned. “Well, that doesn’t sound very fun.”

“Well, while you wait you get to talk to one of the awesomest ponies in Equestria.” Dash rubbed a hoof on her chest and grinned smugly. The posture lasted mere moments before she returned to her menu, suddenly aware she hadn’t chosen anything yet.

Pinkie’s frown immediately bounced back into a smile. “Oh, ok! What do you want to talk about? Parties? Cookies? Pets?”

“Uhm, why don’t you tell me about your day?”

“Oh, okay! Well, first Twilight came over to tell me that everypony decided to let me stay. I knew my new friends would never ever make a mistake about such an important investigation, so it wasn’t really a surprise, but it was still nice to hear! And then I went out to say ‘hi’ to everypony in town. Pony number one, Lyra, was a teal unicorn, and pony number two was a cream earth pony. They were in kind of a rush, so I didn’t get to talk to them very long, but they seemed really nice. I guess being late can make some ponies cranky, though. Then pony number three…”

Pinkie made it through eleven ponies before the waitress arrived to take their orders. She didn’t speak to Pinkie, or even make eye contact with her. Pinkie told her order to Dash, who then relayed it to the waitress. She scribbled their orders down and left, with as few words as possible.

Dash snorted. “Rude.”

“What? Why?”

“She didn’t even look at you.”

“Oh, you noticed that too? She must know I’ve never been to a restaurant before. Guess it’s pretty obvious I’m new here. I bet she didn’t want to make me uncomfortable or put me on the spot, so she just talked to you.” Pinkie smiled. “That was really thoughtful of her.”

“Uhm, sure… I guess…”

“So, where was I? Oh, right, and then I talked to pony number twelve. She was a purple pegasus. Hehe, ‘purple pegasus.’ She must’ve had somewhere important to be too, because when I tried to talk to her she just flew off. I guess everypony in town is working on something together, since they’re all so busy. And then there was pony number thirteen…”

“So then I say,” Rainbow leaned in slightly, pausing just long enough, “Rainbow Dash? More like Rainbow Flash!”

Pinkie and Rainbow both laughed for a solid minute. A number of the other patrons shot them dirty looks, but neither pony noticed.

Pinkie wiped her eyes. “I didn’t really understand the last part, but that was a great story Rainbow Dash!”

Rainbow was saved from responding by the waitress dropping off their check.

“Ooh, I got this!” Pinkie snatched up the piece of paper, contemplated it for a moment, and then started rummaging in her bag.

“It’s ok, Pinkie, you don’t have to,” Rainbow said.

“But you said it was my treat, and I’m a Pinkie Pie of my word!”

“But I said that, not you.” Dash glanced to the side. “Besides, I was joking, mostly.”

“Don’t worry, Rainbow Dash, I want to!” Pinkie finally pulled her face out of her bag, a coin purse in her teeth. “Now, the gold ones are worth more than the silver ones, right? Or is it the other way around? Or are they worth the same? That would be kinda silly, though.”

Pinkie rubbed her chin contemplatively, and Rainbow took the opportunity to grab the check from her.

“Hey, I was using that!”

“Don’t sweat it, Pinkie. This one’s on me.”

“But I want to pay. That’s what friends do, right? Buy lunch for each other?”

Dash plopped some bits on the table. “But I’m your friend too, aren’t I?” She double-checked to make sure there was no tip, then turned to Pinkie. “You can buy the next one, deal?”

“You mean we get to do this again?”

“Well, yeah, if you want.”

Pinkie answered with a hug, although she had to end it prematurely because of the table digging into her stomach.

The two of them gathered their bags, though only one of them noticed the other diners staring at them as they left.

“So, when do you wanna do this again? Tomorrow? Or the next day? Or the day after that? Or the day after that? Or—”

“Whoa, easy, Pinkie. There’s no rush, right?”

“Yeah, sorry, I guess not. We can hang out any time, there’s no rush at all.” Pinkie smiled.

“Ehr, yeah. Anyway, I have to go, it was, uhm, fun hanging out.” Rainbow glanced to the side. “I’ll…talk to you later?”

“You bet! Bye bye, Rainbow Dash!”

Both of them headed off to their respective houses. Pinkie bounced, Rainbow flew. Neither of them noticed the blotches of pink and purple in a nearby bush, or the glint of binoculars being put away.

8. Can a Detail Correct Your Dismay?

8. Can a Detail Correct Your Dismay?

Pinkie bounced towards Sugarcube Corner, humming a little tune as she went. Rainbow Dash is so generous, she thought to herself. Taking time off from her busy schedule to have a late lunch with me, and then paying for it all by herself. And she double-checked the money she left, so she must’ve made sure that nice waitress got a big tip. I’m so lucky to have such great friends! And I bet everypony will be less busy tomorrow, so I’ll have time to make even more of them!

Pinkie walked into her house, and flicked on the light.

“Hi, Pinkie.” Twilight’s face was inches from Pinkie’s. A small smile sat on her face, though her voice was even.

“Hi, Twilight! How’d you get in here?”

Twilight waved a hoof. “Not important. I thought we could finish our baking lesson from earlier, since we were so rudely interrupted.” Twilight fished some books out of her bags.

“Sure, that sounds like fun!” Pinkie bounced into the kitchen. “This day has been so amazing. Lunch with my best friend. Cooking lessons with my other best friend. Hopping around town saying hello to my future best friends. One of my best friends waiting for me in my house so we can have fun together. Could it be any more perfect?”

Twilight continued rummaging in her bag. “Uh, No, I guess not. Ah, here we are; Remedial Cooking, 4th edition. Now we just need to—”

There was a loud knock on the door. By the time Twilight had turned her head, Pinkie had already opened it.

“Hi, Applejack!”

“Hi, Pinkie. C’n I come in?”

“Of course, of course!” Pinkie ushered Applejack inside. “I was just having cooking lessons with Twilight! Doesn’t that sound like fun?” She bounced back into the kitchen.

Applejack followed her. “Well, actually, I heard Twilight didn’t give very good cooking lessons.” She looked at Twilight, her expression neutral.

Twilight narrowed her eyes. “Oh? And who told you that?”

“Rarity did.”

“I see.”

Applejack turned back to Pinkie. “So, Pinkie, I was hopin’ you could let me borrow Twilight for a moment. I need to talk to her about something.”

“Oh, is it about me? Or is it about another pet rabbit?”

“Uhm, it’s more about Twilight than anythin’ else. I’m worried about her, and I would like ta talk in private, if that’s okay.”

“Sure! You can use my room if you want. It’s upstairs on the left.”

“Right, thanks, Pinkie.” Applejack gave Twilight a look, and the unicorn reluctantly lowered her cookbooks and started towards the stairs.

They slowly ascended the stairs. Twilight paused halfway up, her ear flicking quickly, but she shook her head and continued up.

The moment they entered Pinkie’s room Twilight snorted loudly.

“So Rarity tattled on me, did she?” Twilight muttered.

Applejack shut the door. “Twilight, Rarity told me she was worried about you, and now I see why. You can’t expect this to work.”

“I'm not stupid, AJ. I know that’s not Pinkie, and I know I can’t replace her and I need to move on, but…” Twilight looked at the ground.

“But what?”

“You wouldn’t understand.”

“Then help me understand.”

Twilight’s eyes flicked up and back down. “It wouldn’t help. It’d just make things worse.”

“You didn’t seem ta feel that way when you were talkin’ to Fluttershy.”

“You were following me?”

“I was worried about you! We all are.” Applejack took a step forward. “We all care about you, Twilight. Nothing you say would ever make things worse.”

Twilight scrunched her eyes shut and let out a sigh. “Do you remember the end of the test?”

“You know I do.”

Twilight didn’t open her eyes. “Do you remember that spell I cast at the end?”

“I remember you gettin' real quiet and falling over, sure. You were kinda panicky, I wasn’t sure what it was.”

“I was trying to cast a retrieval spell to get Pinkie Pie back. But all those wards I cast blocked it.” Twilight’s eyes snapped open. “But before the counterspells kicked me back I heard something. I…”

“What?”

“I…I heard Pinkie Pie screaming.”

Applejack didn’t say anything.

Twilight didn’t take her gaze off the floor. “I’m not stupid. I know she’s gone. I know that better than anyone, because it’s all my fault.”

“Twi, nopony blames you for it.”

“No, they all blame that fake in there. But how long until everypony stops being angry and realizes whose fault it really is?”

“It’s no one’s fault, Twilight!”

Twilight turned to AJ “Of course it’s somepony’s fault! And this is the only thing I can do to fix it. It’s either this or t—it’s just this.”

AJ took another step towards Twilight. “Twi, I know accepting your mistakes ain’t easy, but sometimes fixin’ them and failin’ just makes it worse. Nopony blames you for it, and eventually they’ll, uhm, warm up ta Pinkie. Letting it go won’t fix things but it’s gotta be better than this.”

“Don’t tell me to let it go when no one else has!”

“That’s not true,” Applejack blurted.

“Oh really?” Twilight took a step forward. “Then why did Rarity talk to you instead of Pinkie?” Another step. “Why did you talk to me instead of Pinkie? Why did you wait until I got here to knock on the door? Why are you following me instead of her?” Twilight shoved a hoof in the direction of the kitchen.

Applejack looked to the side.

“That’s what I thought.” Twilight pushed past the earth pony. “I have to go.”

“An’ do what?”

“I dunno. Work on my lesson plan.” Twilight flung the door open and walked out.

Pinkie heard the two mares shouting about something. It was hard to hear through the door.

I sure hope they’re not fighting over me. Pinkie scooped exactly two cups of flour into the bowl. I mean, why else would they want to talk alone unless it’s about me? I have enough time to spend with everypony, though, so that’s not it. Pinkie added the eggs and sugar and milk, then started to vigorously stir the ingredients.

Pinkie put the bowl down, and took a half-step towards the door. Her hoof froze in midair. No, if it’s important, they would tell me. My friends would never ever lie to me about anything! Pinkie shook her head and returned to mixing. They trusted me not to eavesdrop or interrupt, so I can trust them to tell me things. Pinkie giggled softly to herself. I almost made a real big fox pass right there! And I know they’d forgive me no matter what I did, but it would still be awkward if I broke their trust.

Pinkie nodded at her reasoning. Makes perfect sense! She put down the bowl and grabbed a large spoon in her teeth. She scooped up some dough, leveled it off, and dolloped it onto the pan. She glanced at the picture in the book, and they looked reasonably similar.

She was halfway into the fourth dollop when she heard the side door being flung open.

She leapt over to the foyer, and cleared the archway just in time to see Twilight walking off. Applejack was standing on the stairs, staring at the open door and sighing.

“What happened?”

“Sorry, Pinkie. Twilight, uhm, ain’t feelin’ well.”

“Oh no! Was it something she ate? Or is she still upset about killing her friend?”

Applejack stared at Pinkie. “What!?”

“Rarity told me she killed Fluttershy’s pet rabbit, and they must’ve been friends if she’s taking it this hard, right?”

“Oh, uhm, yeah, sure. I, uh, guess that would make sense…”

“There must be something I can do to help. Rarity said she just needed to talk to somepony, so what if I talked to her?”

“Everypony grieves differently, Pinkie. I’m not sure it’ll be that simple.”

“Well, I’m sure we’ll think of something. There’s nothing you can’t fix with some help from your friends.” Pinkie smiled.

Applejack hesitated, then nodded. “Yeah, you’re right, of course.” She scratched her forelock and glanced back at the door. “So, uhm, Pinkie. Since I went and scared off Twilight, why don’t I give you a cooking lesson instead?”

“Really?” Pinkie’s eyes lit up. “You’d do that for me?”

“Uh, sure. We haven’t really spent that much time together since…since lately. Least I could do.”

“Ooh, that sounds great! What should we make?”

“Well, I know how to make a mean apple pie.”

Author's Note

Pinkie only knows what a “tip” is because there was one of those generic notes printed on the receipt.

9. Plagiarize Something Old

9. Plagiarize Something Old

Pinkie hopped into her room and flicked on the light.

She glanced around. “Ah, there you are, Goomi!” She scooped up the alligator and held him in midair. “Wanna hear about my super-amazing, friend-filled day?”

Gummy blinked slowly.

“I know I was worried earlier about making friends, but it turns out I was just being a silly filly! I have so many amazing friends already, I don’t need to panic about making more. And once everypony gets out of their weird mood I’ll have even more friends to make!”

Pinkie placed her pet on the bed. “Oh where do I even start? I got a present from Fluttershy, I had lunch with Rainbow Dash, and I had three baking lessons with Applejack and Twilight! Well, more like two and a tenth, but might as well round up since I’m sure we’ll do it again later! My friends are so amazing, spending all that time with me!” Pinkie rubbed her chin. “And then I also had a talk with Rarity, and another talk with Rarity and Twilight. They were really nice to explain everything for me. I just wish there was something I could do about Fluttershy’s pet and all those little things that Rarity mentioned.”

Gummy blinked slowly.

Pinkie laughed quietly. “You’re right! I’ll figure something out eventually!” Pinkie bounced over to her bed and settled under the covers, Gummy still curled up at the other end.

Pinkie stared up at the ceiling. “You know, I’m so excited, I’m not sure I’ll be able to sleep!”

There was a moment of silence.

“You’re right! Some reading might help!” Pinkie twisted around and saw the large journal on her nightstand. “Perfect!” She grabbed it with her teeth, and then pushed the pillows against the backboard. She scooted backward, wiggling her flank until she had settled into a sitting position. It took a few moments to figure out how to hold the book, but eventually it flipped it open.

The page seemed to be in-progress song lyrics. It was arranged in stanzas and there were a lot of crossed-out words and corrections littering the entire thing.

Pinkie flipped the page a few times, her eyes scanning each one. Journal entries. Jokes. A short story. Poetry. More song lyrics. She flipped the page again and stopped.

Pony Party Preferences

Pinkie raised an eyebrow and flipped the page.

Rarity; Dislikes balloons, piñatas, and other threats to mane. Loves punch and cake. No preferred party size.

She flipped the page again. There was an entry for all her friends, and even more for all her tentative friends.

She smacked herself in the face. “Oh, Goomi, I can’t believe how oblivious I’ve been! Here the entire town is upset over something, and one of my best friends lost a pet, and I’m just sitting here doing nothing!” Pinkie shook her head. “I can’t believe how selfish I am.”

Pinkie scrunched her eyes shut for a few moments, and then popped them open again. “No! This is no time to be depressed!” She flung aside her covers and leapt out of bed. “Everypony needs me! My friends need me! And there's only one thing I can do to help them!” Pinkie grabbed the journal and waltzed over to her work table. She gave it a once-over, and a huge smile grew on her face.

“I've gotta throw a party!”

10. Nothing Ever Goes As Planned

10. Nothing Ever Goes As Planned

Twilight hadn’t slept well. The reasons were more numerous than yesterday. Now thoughts of Pinkie were accompanied by thoughts of Applejack and Rarity and Rainbow Dash.

She reluctantly rolled out of bed. She was used to juggling lots of thoughts, but this was an entirely new experience; it slowed down her morning routine considerably.

She trotted down the stairs and into the kitchen. The toast was a bit dry—they were out of butter. The mechanical manner in which she chewed likely didn’t help.

After her breakfast, Twilight walked over to the door. Perhaps the mail would distract her for a moment.

Something seemed off. She glanced down, and there was a plain, pink envelope sitting on her floor. The angle suggested it had been slid under it. The lack of dust suggested it was a recent addition.

She picked it up. “Twilight” was written on it in shaky, uneven block letters. She flipped it over. The flap was sealed with a sticker; there was a trio of balloons and an exclamation point printed on it, both drawn in the same puffy, overblown style. There was a microscopic line of trademark information visible on the white background.

Twilight contemplated it for a moment. She only restrained herself for a few seconds before tearing the envelope open

The penmanship was atrocious. She had to read it twice to understand the whole thing. If nothing else, that softened the blow.

Party!
Come celebrate Fluttershy’s Funeral Party!
Help her feel better about her dead pet!
!!
Sugarcube Corner, refreshments included.
Today; AfternoonPM to EveningPM
!!
!!!
PINKIE PIE

Twilight knocked loudly on the door to Sugarcube Corner. The response was immediate and enthusiastic as Pinkie flung open the door.

“Hi, Twilight!” Her smile was large and sincere.

“Hi.” Twilight said curtly. She poked the envelope into Pinkie’s face. “What is this, exactly?”

“It’s a party invite, silly! Did you come to reese-veep?”

Twilight grimaced. “No, I—”

“Well, it doesn’t start for a while.” Pinkie rubbed her chin. “I sure hope nopony else got confused about it—I could not figure out the clock at all.”

“No, Pinkie.” Twilight tried to relax her frown and failed. “I mean, don’t you think throwing a party to celebrate somepony…somepony’s pet dying is inappropriate?”

“‘Life is what you celebrate. All of it. Even its end.’” Pinkie smiled. “Pretty good, right? I found it in a book while I was looking for things to write on the cake.”

“That sounds depressing and terrible.” Twilight’s voice was flat.

“Oh, Twilight, you’re so funny!” Pinkie patted Twilight’s shoulder and stepped backward. “Why don’t you leave the party planning to us professionals. Sorry I can’t tell you more about it right now, I’m still finishing up.” Pinkie bounced up and down a few times. “Oh boy, everypony is gonna really love this party! I stayed up all night preparing it! Just you wait!”

“But—”

“See you at the party! Gotta go!” The door swung shut with a gentle click as Pinkie bounced back inside.

Twilight knocked loudly on Fluttershy’s door. She was breathing heavily, mostly from running. The moment the door opened she stormed in.

“Oh, hi, Twilight,” Fluttershy said. She hesitated briefly before closing the door.

Twilight shoved the invitation at Fluttershy. “Have you seen this?”

“Well, I did get one too.” Fluttershy gestured at her coffee table. A similar envelope sat on it.

Twilight snatched it up. It wasn’t quite identical to her own. The information written on it was the same, but Pinkie’s penmanship was anything but uniform. A slightly different sticker had been used to seal it—it had a picture of a rabbit instead of balloons, though it was drawn in the same chubby art style.

“What’s wrong, Twilight?” Fluttershy asked softly.

“What’s wrong?” Twilight spun around. “What’s wrong? Isn’t it obvious?” She threw the envelopes on the table and jabbed a hoof at them. “Just look at it! Why would you even need to ask?”

Fluttershy coughed into a hoof.

Twilight’s eyes narrowed. “What?”

“Well…it’s just…” Fluttershy’s gaze drifted over to a plant sitting on one of her windowsills. “Isn’t this what you wanted? For her to be like Pinkie Pie?”

“Does this piece of junk look like something Pinkie Pie would make?”

“Well…maybe the party will be better…?”

Twilight took a step forward. “Excuse me? You’re not going to that, that travesty, are you?”

“Well, it is technically for me…”

“Pinkie Pie wouldn’t throw a party to celebrate somepony dying!”

“But she would throw one to cheer up her friends.”

“That..that doesn’t mean… This is all wrong.”

“Twilight,” Fluttershy inched over and put a hoof on her friend’s shoulder, “I know this wasn’t exactly in your schedule, but maybe it will all work out. Practice makes perfect, right?”

“And what if it doesn’t?” Twilight asked quietly.

“Well…then you can take notes on her party, and see what she needs to improve on? Make your plan more, um, efficient?”

Twilight chewed her lip for a moment, then turned to the door. “Thanks, Fluttershy. I guess I’ll… I guess I’ll see you at the party.”

Fluttershy smiled. “Don’t panic, Twilight. Maybe Pinkie will surprise you.”

The door swung shut, slowly and softly. “Let’s hope so,” Twilight muttered.

The sunlight was very bright for most of the day. A little before the party began, clouds started to build up across the sky. The pegasi were between shifts, so nopony bothered to clear it until it had already built up. It gave the dusk a bright orange flavor, so there wasn’t any rush to fix it anyway.

Rainbow Dash stepped into Sugarcube Corner’s main room. A streamer snapped in half as she opened the door. Another fell down as she closed it.

“Hello? Pinkie?” she called.

There was a thunk from upstairs and Pinkie appeared at the top of the staircase.

“Hi, Rainbow Dash!” She trotted down the stairs. “Welcome to the party!”

“Hi.” Rainbow waved a hoof at the streamers on the floor. “Uhm, sorry about those.”

“Oh, don’t worry about it. I was having some trouble with the tape, so I figured a few might fall down. I put a bunch of extras just in case.”

Rainbow glanced upward. A thick web of streamers covered the ceiling. It was almost like a hammock spun from crepe paper, sagging heavily under its own weight. One came loose as Rainbow surveyed it and drifted listlessly to the ground. Crumpled, uneven strips of tape were visible on either end of it.

“Uhm…”

“Whoops, let me get that.” Pinkie scooped up the limp decoration and trotted into the kitchen. “Make yourself at home! There’s food on the table!”

There was certainly a folding table at one end of the room. It was covered in various dishes and tins. Rainbow gingerly wandered over to it, and briefly swept her gaze up and down the food. None of the items looked terribly appetizing. Most of the dishes were covered, but a few sat out in the open; it was hard to tell whether that was intentional or not. A brown, lumpy paste sat in a pie tin in front of her, a few cookies poking out the top of it. Another dish held an attempt at a lemon cake, but it looked more like yellow highlighter on cardboard than anything. There was a pitcher of green liquid in the center, along with very small stacks of paper plates and cups.

She was about to uncover one of the dishes when the door creaked open. Rarity walked in, scanning the building cautiously. A few steps into the building, another fallen streamer crunched under her hoof.

“Am I late? Or…dare I say early?” Rarity asked. She pulled the streamer off her hoof and dropped it in a trash bin.

“I was about to ask you that.”

“Nope, right on time!” Pinkie hopped back into the room. “Sorry about the invites, I could not figure out how the clock worked at all.”

A soft, squishy splortch leaked out of one covered dish.

Rainbow Dash leered at it. “Pinkie, what is all this stuff anyway?”

“A very good question,” Rarity added. She approached the table and stopped next to Rainbow Dash. A less polite pony would have stared daggers at the food, but Rarity managed to restrict herself to a restrained leer .

“Well, Applejack showed me how to make apple pie, and it was amazing.” Pinkie punctuated her sentence with a bounce. “So I figured, if apple pie was so good, what about other types of pie?” Pinkie pointed at the lumpy, brown paste in the pie tin. “This here is cookie pie. I baked the cookies myself, so it’s extra yummy!” She flicked her hoof to the side. “That one is coconut pie, and this one over here is chocolate apple pie, with extra chocolate.” Pinkie pointed to the next and stopped. “You know, I forget what this one is.” She giggled. “There were so many delicious things to try, I kinda lost track.”

“Is pie the only thing you made?” Rainbow asked skeptically.

“Oh, don’t be silly, of course not! I also made some fruit juice.”

Rainbow Dash leaned over the table. “You mean this green stuff? What fruit did you use?”

“Hmm.” Pinkie put a hoof to her chin. “Peas and cucumbers mostly. There were some apples and some other things too.”

“Peas and cucumbers are vegetables, Pinkie,” Rarity pointed out.

“Oh, well, call it plant juice then. I tried some earlier, it was pretty tasty either way.”

Rarity bit her lip. “Perhaps we’ll wait until your other guests arrive. We would not want to be rude.”

“Yeah, let’s go with that,” Rainbow agreed.

Rarity poked Rainbow with an elbow.

“So, uh, how many other ponies did you invite, Pinkie?” Rainbow asked.

“Oh, just five. The book said Fluttershy didn’t like large parties.”

Rarity raised an eyebrow. “What book?”

Pinkie smiled. “Oh, I found a journal in my room. It had lots of little tidbits like that in it.”

“Pinkie Pie didn’t seem like the journal type. She just committed everything to memory,” Rarity mused.

Rainbow poked Rarity with an elbow.

“Well, I guess not, since I don’t remember any of that. Well, not yet. Maybe I forgot to remember it?” Pinkie shrugged.

An awkward silence filled the room. Pinkie waited for the others to say something, but neither of them did. The moments stretched on. Rainbow briefly considered eating something to break the uncomfortable chasm, but the food itself stopped that plan. The same thought entered Rarity’s mind, but if the food didn’t discourage it then her earlier excuse about decorum did.

Minutes dragged by, unbroken except for an occasional nervous rub of the neck or quiet cough. Pinkie leaned forward, trying her best to appear a good listener.

The door creaked open, and Applejack and Fluttershy walked in, Twilight lingering behind them.

Pinkie’s gaze locked onto the doorway and her eyes lit up. “Hi girls! Wow, everypony I invited is here already!” She swept a hoof at the table. “Help yourselves to some food! Rainbow Dash and Rarity waited for you.”

Rarity and Dash shuffled uncomfortably, but didn’t say anything.

Applejack wandered over to the table. “How, uh, polite of ‘em.” She leaned forward, her eyes squinting at one of the pie tins. “Is that cookie pie?”

“Yep! Help yourself!”

Applejack frowned. “You were, uh, certainly creative with that recipe I showed ya.” The cookie pie jiggled slightly when she poked it. “Not sure it’s supposed to do that, th’ jigglin’.”

Rarity cleared her throat loudly. “Well, now that everypony is here, I suppose I am sort of thirsty.” She levitated a cup off the stack and gingerly picked up the pitcher. “And we wouldn’t want all of Pinkie’s hard work to go to waste.”

The juice did not really pour out of the pitcher. To say it fell or crept or meandered would be better. If anypony present had ever seen pitch or tar, they would have been reminded of it.

Rarity poured herself as much as she dared and set the pitcher back down. The liquid did not budge as she held it up to a light, nor as she swirled it. Finally, she brought the cup to her lips and took a small sip. She coughed very loudly.

“How is it?” Pinkie chirped.

Rarity coughed loudly again. “Thick.” She coughed again. “Very, er, flavorful.”

Pinkie smiled. “I’m glad you like it! Help yourselves, I have to go be a hostess.” She hopped away. Every one of her hops caused the hammock of streamers to waver slightly.

Rainbow Dash and Applejack leaned in. “How was it really?” the former muttered.

Rarity set the cup down. “It reminds me of the time I accidentally swallowed a part of my seaweed wrap.” She coughed softly. “Though if I am honest, that was easier to swallow.”

Twilight and Fluttershy were still milling about by the door. Both of them seemed transfixed by the ceiling, though for entirely different reasons. Fluttershy was concerned the whole thing might fall down. The fact it hadn’t was nothing short of confusing. Twilight was counting all the incorrect anchorings; she was up to eighty-two.

“Hi girls! Enjoying the party?”

“Well…we haven’t really been here that long,” Fluttershy said softly.

Pinkie leaned in. “Do you want some food? Or maybe we could play a game? I just learned the rules for checkers.”

“What does that have to do with Fluttershy’s pet dying?” Twilight said. Her voice was low and flat.

“Twilight, it’s fine,” Fluttershy said.

“No, no, she’s right.” Pinkie draped a hoof over Fluttershy’s shoulder. “It’s your party, what do you want to do? Sorry I didn’t throw you one sooner, but I just found out about your dead pet yesterday.”

“Uhm, well, I guess I could eat something.”

The two of them trotted over to the table.

Twilight stood by the door. Fluttershy had convinced her not to bring a quill and parchment. She had claimed there wouldn’t be that many things to list and Twilight would be able to handle it in her head. She had been wrong.

The other ponies were still standing near the table. Aside from a periodic cough, there was no real noise. Aside from various glances and hesitant attempts at picking up food, there wasn’t a lot of movement.

Applejack reached for a plate, but quickly withdrew her hoof. “Uhm, Pinkie, why is it so quiet?” she asked. “Shouldn’t there be some music, or somethin’?”

Pinkie gasped. “Oooh, that’s a great idea! There’s a big brass thing in my room, I figured it was a musical instrument. Or we could sing a song, I know a bunch!”

“No, I meant like a record, or somethin’.”

“What's a record?”

Fluttershy and Rarity had drifted to one end of the table. When Applejack hunted for some help, Rainbow Dash was the only one close to meet her gaze.

“It goes with a record player and they play music,” Rainbow explained. “I’m pretty sure Pinkie has… I mean, I’m pretty sure there’s one around here somewhere.”

“Ooh, Twilight’s pretty organized, maybe she knows.” Pinkie hopped over to Twilight, who was still standing near the door.

The mental checklist of Pinkie’s mistakes had gotten far too long, and Twilight had only stepped into the building a few minutes ago. The streamers on the ceiling were anchored incorrectly. The ones on the posts and bannisters weren’t anchored at all and had pooled at the bottom or fallen off. There were too many of them. The food table was supposed to go on the east wall, so there would be more room. Most of the dishes weren’t covered correctly. There were too many plates laid out. Pinkie had forgotten to put out chairs. The lights in the kitchen and upstairs bedrooms hadn’t been turned off.

She had lost count around item four-hundred-three. Her brain kept trying to catalogue them all, but between stress, fatigue, and volume there was no point.

Pinkie poked her face in front of Twilight’s “Hey, Twilight, do you know where a record player is? And how to run it?”

“I have to go.” Twilight spun around and trotted toward the door.

“Twilight, what’s wrong?” Pinkie asked.

“Nothing.” The door slammed shut. Everypony in the room continued to stare it, mostly for lack of other things to do.

Pinkie turned to the other ponies. They were still gathered around the food table. “Did she not like the party?”

A small chorus of coughs leaked out of the four of them. None of them answered, and the silence quickly became noticeable.

Finally Rarity made an attempt. “I’m sure she just forgot an assignment or somesuch scheduling error. Being Princess Celestia’s personal student is quite time-consuming.”

Pinkie cocked her head to the side. “Who’s Princess Celestia?”

Twilight flung open the library door. It was dark, and she hastily lit up her horn. “I can fix this. I have to,” she muttered to herself. She trotted up to her room, tripping on the stairs three separate times. She shoved her door open and fished out her lesson plan. She had barely consulted it since showing it to Fluttershy.

She had estimated it would take three weeks to properly train Pinkie, but those equations had clearly overestimated her abilities. Her cooking was atrocious. Her arrangements were inept. Her speech and movements were off. Teaching her would be like teaching a pony from scratch.

Twilight slapped the parchment onto her desk. Quills and scrolls floated out of her cabinets. In moments mathematical symbols littered them, and more and more splattered across the page as Twilight checked and rechecked her equations. The amount of time it would take to learn cooking, the number of hours to memorize proper furniture placement, and the amount of flashcards it would take to learn to tape a streamer correctly.

The flurry ended, quills fell unceremoniously onto the floor. Twilight stared at the parchment.

“That can’t be right,” she muttered to herself.

Teach her from scratch… a voice at the back of her mind said softly.

Twilight shoved it out of the way and grabbed a fresh quill. She began to recalculate everything. Every skill and memory and party plan.

She paused. She flung the parchment aside and started again. The results stayed exactly the same. They did for the fourth time, too. She fell asleep staring at the same numbers.

Author's Note

Anyone else notice how Pinkie hasn't slept in like two days?

11. Inside Outside

11. Inside Outside

“Ya think we should've explained who Princess Celestia was?” Applejack asked. Her voice was barely a whisper.

“I don't think I could if I wanted to,” Rarity replied. “Explaining an entire government to Pinkie would be as bad as explaining Pinkie to the Princess.”

“And, uhm, how's that going?”

Rarity bit her lip. “I'll admit it's not something I am eager to do. You saw how she reacted when Twilight cast that spell on that doll. The only other time I've seen her angry was at the wedding. It's not something I'm looking forward to seeing again.”

Applejack glanced back at Sugarcube Corner. Pinkie was still waving away her guests. “What makes ya think she’ll be angry?”

Rarity sighed. Her home was far enough away that there was no excuse not to answer. “She’ll be angry because we did not tell her sooner, for one.”

“Won’t puttin’ it off make it worse?”

“Of course it will,” Rarity said softly. “But you’ll forgive me if I am not in a rush to tell the ruler of Equestria that the Elements of Harmony are useless.”

Applejack opened her mouth to respond, but the words were not as prompt as her reaction. “Oh,” she finally
said. “I guess I didn’t even think about that.” She scratched her head for a moment. “I suppose Pinkie ain’t exactly a barrel a laughs, is she?”

“I’ll admit I was going to try asking the others about it tonight, but, well...” Rarity’s eyes flicked back to Sugarcube Corner. Even behind her mane and under darkness, the motion was clear as day. “It wasn’t easy to work up the nerve.” Rarity forced out a chuckle. “I don’t suppose you would be interested? Element of Honesty, and all that?

Applejack didn’t answer.

Rarity sighed again, though it was noticeably longer. “I don’t blame you.”

The party had been perfect. It had gone perfectly. It could not have been better. Pinkie couldn’t even think of enough ways to say how well it went. Every pony she had invited had shown up, though it was too bad that Twilight had to leave early.

Everypony else had stayed for a while, but there had been a lot of food leftover. Perhaps she could make less for the next one, or offer to let them take some of it home. Could you eat party food at your house?

Pinkie bounced up the stairs and towards her room. There were so many questions to ask, so many adjustments to make for the next party. She could write all sorts of notes and then read them and then the next party would be even better. If this party had been a success, then just think of how amazing the next one would be!

Pinkie crossed the threshold of her room, intending to go straight for her journal. As her eyes scanned across the desk for a quill, she paused. For the first time that she could think of, Pinkie felt tired. Preparing a party had been harder than she thought, but it was worth it to make her friends feel better.

Her gaze turned to the bed. She would have plenty of time to get started tomorrow. She had the rest of her life, after all. With that thought in her mind, she slunk under the covers and promptly fell asleep.

The classroom was quiet. Dozens and dozens of desks stretched across it, arranged in a perfect grid. Everywhere she looked, there were more desks. Hers was the only occupied one, by the looks of it.

“Hello?” Pinkie called. “Anyone there?”

“You really shouldn’t talk in class, you know. You might get in trouble.”

Pinkie looked to her right. The desk was occupied by another Pinkie.

“Oh, hi Pinkie! Where’s everypony else?”

“My name’s not Pinkie, it’s Bell.” She glanced at the door. “You really shouldn’t talk in class, the teacher will be here soon.” She leaned over and put a hoof near her mouth. “You wouldn’t want to get expelled on your first day, would you?”

Pinkie opened her mouth to respond, but another voice interrupted her.

“Don’t listen to her, she’s just a suckup.”

Another Pinkie was sitting on her left. Her mane was flat and straight, but otherwise she looked the same.

“Dancer, don’t say that!” Bell whispered loudly. “You know I’m right, lots of ponies have gotten expelled before. I don’t want to go out there all alone…”

“Anything would be better than this stupid classroom,” Dancer muttered. “Everything is, nothing is.”

“That’s not true!” Bell clamped a hoof over her mouth. She glanced at the door again and leaned in. “That’s not true,” she whispered. “Moment graduated.”

“She got lucky. Love should have passed that test.”

“I should have?” Another Pinkie leaned in. “What are we talking about?”

“Bell is just being a suckup again. She keeps saying if you complain you disappear.” Dancer leaned back in her chair. “She doesn’t realize we’re all helpless anyway.”

“Ooh, that reminds me!” Love hopped off her desk. “I’m supposed to be teaching today!”

“What!” Bell’s hooves clamped onto her desk. “But what about the regular teacher?”

“I am the regular teacher, silly!” Love sat down. The teacher’s desk was much wider and taller and bigger and darker than the other desks. It was almost a table. Love pulled a giant notepad from underneath it and glanced at the first page. “Alrighty lighty flighty, time for attendance. We already know Bell and Dancer are here.” Love made a large, sharp checkmark on two of the drawings. “And it looks like we have a new student!” Love looked up from the notepad, directly at Pinkie. “What’s your name, new girl?”

“Oh, that’s easy!” Pinkie chirped. “I’m Pinkie Pie.”

Silence struck the classroom. The kind of silence you could stick a fork in and take a bite of.

Love scratched her head. “That’s odd, normally that name is only reserved for graduates.” She chewed absently on her pencil. “I suppose I can mark you here, though. I’ll definitely have to check with the principal later.”

Love pulled a thick stack of papers from a drawer. “Alrighty, everypony take out your textbooks! Time for a quiz!”

“What’s the point?” Dancer muttered.

Bell didn’t say anything. She just smiled confidently.

“Textbooks?” Pinkie looked down. Her journal was sitting on the desk.

“Is something wrong, new girl?”

“No, it’s just—” Pinkie looked up. Twilight Sparkle was staring at her.

“I asked you a question, new girl,” Twilight snapped.

Pinkie looked to her left. Bell was scribbling on a piece of paper.

Pinkie looked to her right. Dancer was leaning in her chair, her test untouched.

“Well?”

“I, uhm, don’t think I studied,” Pinkie said softly. Her head drifted downward. Her desk was empty, save a single piece of paper. There were hundreds of little drawings on it, of party hats and scissors and sandwiches and cupcakes and so many other things that Pinkie didn’t recognize.

Twilight smiled. A lot of teeth showed, and her lips kept creeping backward, revealing more and more. “Didn’t study? Well, we can’t have that. This is a school, not a fun factory.”

“I didn’t mean to!” Pinkie stammered. “I didn’t know there would be a test.”

Twilight leaned forward, her nose inches from Pinkie’s. “Life is a test, new girl. Everything you do, everything you think, everything you make is tested by someone. We can’t have failures in this life or any other. They don’t deserve it.”

“Of course I deserve it!” Pinkie shouted. “One test shouldn’t change that!” She glanced to her left, then to her right. No one was there.

Twilight’s smile had too many teeth. It had outgrown her face, like a flytrap that had broken free of its pot. “You only earned what we gave you. Of course one test can change that. I’d call that a bargain, more than you deserve.” Twilight’s forehead was pressing against Pinkie’s. Her back was hunched over, her eyes inches from Pinkie’s face. She poked Pinkie’s chest. “If you think you deserved better, then prove it.”

“How?”

Twilight opened a drawer and pulled a piece of paper from her desk. “Pop quiz! One question should be plenty.” She turned her head, and when her gaze settled on Pinkie her smile returned. “Think you can handle it, new girl?”

“Of course I can!”

Twilight put a hoof to her mouth and loudly cleared her throat. “First question. Only question. The question.” Twilight looked up from the index card, her expression empty. “Who are you?”

“What?”

“Who are you?”

Bell, Love, and Dancer leaned towards Pinkie, their cold breaths pressing against her ears and coat and mane. “You heard her. Who are you?” Dancer said. “Who? Who?” The others repeated.

Pinkie looked up. The kitchen was a mess. Twilight and the other Pinkies stood in front of the counter, waiting for her answer.

“I’m—”

Pinkie’s eyes popped open and she sat up, quickly and violently. Her room looked the same as always; even in the dark the bright pastel décor was easy to recognize. She glanced at the clock—she hadn’t been asleep very long.

“Well, that was a weird dream!” She rolled out of her bed. Her coat stuck to the sheets for the briefest moment, a glint of sweat visible in the darkness. She shook her head and started towards the kitchen. As long as she was awake, she could practice some more of those pie recipes.

12. I Set the Words Up So They—

12. I Set the Words Up So They—

Twilight stared at the door to Sugarcube Corner. This pattern was starting to get old—sleep poorly, show up at Sugarcube Corner too early in the morning, then hesitate to knock on the door. Hopefully this would be the last time. It had to be, with her new version of the old plan.

Pinkie answered the door after just one knock. “Hi Twilight! Did you come to pick up some leftovers?”

“No, not really. But I did want to talk to you about the party.” Twilight stepped into the building, and a streamer crunched loudly under her hoof. The place looked even worse than last night.

“Sure, what about it?” Pinkie bounced into the kitchen. “I thought it went pretty well, but I hear constructive criticism is good too!”

Twilight followed her. Every inch of the place was a mess, and navigating around some of the piles of paper and food made it a long walk. “Well, that’s good. I made a bulleted list of your…areas of improvement, and I brought some flashcards.” Twilight’s nose crinkled as she entered the kitchen. “Looks like we should start with cleaning.”

“Oh don’t be silly, you don’t need to.” Pinkie pulled a dirty cookie pan out of the dishwasher. “It’s rude to make guests help, isn’t it?”

“Pinkie, you aren’t supposed to put those in the dishwasher, you have to let them soak in the sink.” Twilight’s magic wrapped around the metal and yanked it away from Pinkie. “Here, let me show you.”

The sink was full. For an industrial sink, that was no easy feat. Pans and spatulas and whisks and measuring cups and mixing bowls were piled inside, the remnants of batter and dough periodically dripping off of them. Twilight floated a few out of the way, and they thunked loudly onto the counter.

“Now, pay attention. We have a lot of lessons to go through.” The faucet rattled on and Twilight set the pan down. She glanced around for a sponge, but there were so many dishes and stains and utensils it was hard to see.

“Ooh, that reminds me! I had a really funny dream last night, and you were in it!”

“That’s nice,” Twilight muttered. Still no sponge.

Pinkie turned back to the dishwasher. There weren’t many dishes in it, and the ones that were still had a large amount of grime stuck to them. “We were in a classroom, I think, you and me and the other Pinkies.”

Twilight froze. “The what?”

“Yeah, I know! Weird right?” Pinkie pulled another pan out and carried it over to the sink. “There were these Pinkies who were complaining about something, and then one was the teacher, and then she disappeared and then you were the teacher.” She slid the pans off her back and onto the counter. “And then at the end you gave me a test or something.”

“And uhm, what was this test about, exactly?”

Pinkie rubbed her chin for a moment. “It was a piece of paper. I forget what the questions were. And then all the other Pinkies said something, and then I woke up.”

Twilight poked at the dirty pan. “And…that’s all you remember?”

“There was some other stuff.” Pinkie tapped her chin, then rubbed her forehead, then tilted her neck a bit. “Oh yeah!” She leapt up. “The last question you ask me was ‘who are you’. Isn’t that silly? Like I wouldn’t know who I am!” Pinkie snickered. “And all those other Pinkies were so serious and sad. No wonder they didn’t pass.” Pinkie leaned towards Twilight. Though she didn’t notice it, Twilight’s coat bristled visibly as Pinkie approached it. It was almost feline in its obviousness.

Pinkie smiled again. “Isn’t that funny? Are dreams always that weird?”

Twilight was silent.

“Twilight?”

“You know, I just realized something.” Twilight’s voice was barely audible, even in the sleepy silence of the early morning, and the empty silence of the kitchen.

“Ooh, is it something important? Did my dream help? What is it?”

Twilight turned her head, and Pinkie’s face was right there to meet hers. Pinkie still had that goofy smile plastered on.

Twilight’s ear flicked. “I realized, I hate you.”

Pinkie’s smile flickered for the briefest moment, like a light bulb giving its first hint of burning out. “Sorry, Twilight, I guess I wasn't listening too carefully. For a moment there it sounded like—”

“I said,” Twilight turned the rest of her body to match her head, like lining up the sights on a weapon. “I hate you.”

For a moment, the kitchen was completely silent. Even the dripping sink didn’t interrupt.

Pinkie smiled, though it wasn’t quite as wide as it had been. “Ohhhh, I get it! You’re joking! That’s pretty—”

Twilight jerked her head forward. Her breath brushed across Pinkie’s nose. “Do you know why I hate you?” she asked.

Pinkie’s smile flickered again. “Twilight, don't be silly! You don't really—”

“I hate you because you're shallow.” Twilight took a step forward, and Pinkie instinctively mirrored the movement. “You're like an actor who didn't read your script. An understudy who decided to half-haunch their way through all their scenes, because they were too lazy and too stupid to learn their lines.”

Twilight took another step, and Pinkie could feel the unicorn’s hooves clack on the floor. If Pinkie hadn’t moved her hoof…

“Wow, Twilight! You sure know how to play a practical joke.” Pinkie tried and failed to widen her smile. “You really had me there for a min—”

“The real Pinkie Pie wasn't shallow. She didn't always show it, but she had depth. But you…you just don't.”

“But I am the real—”

More steps. “And deep down, you know that…don't you?” The last two words were barely above a whisper. “Your dream told you that, didn't it?” A glimmer of pity passed across Twilight’s features, but it was gone as soon as it had come. “But you're just too vapid to figure it out, too shallow to comprehend the obvious.”

“Dreams are just dreams, Twilight!” Another step. As Pinkie mirrored it, she felt her tail brush against the wall. “You…you can stop joking around now.”

“I'm not the only one who hates you. The whole town does. And do you know why they hate you?” Pinkie finally bumped into the wall, but Twilight didn't stop walking. “For the exact same reasons.”

Pinkie’s eyes flicked to the side and back again. “Twilight, this isn't really funny anymore…” Pinkie’s smile had faded completely.

“I’ve thought about using the spell on you.” Twilight's face was inches from Pinkie's “It would be so simple. It's not a hard spell at all. Just a little bit of magic, and then poof, you'd be gone forever.”

Twilight closed her eyes, and for a moment nothing moved. There was no sound but breathing.

Twilight’s eyes snapped open and she jerked her head to the side. “Except that wouldn’t help. Every time I think about it, I see…I hear Pinkie Pie screaming. And then I realize what I've been fantasizing about doing and it makes me sick.” Twilight’s eyes scrunched shut and she slumped onto her haunches.

The kitchen was drenched in silence. Pinkie lifted a hoof, and for a moment it hung in midair. She reached forward, slowly, carefully. “It’ll be oka—”

“Don’t touch me!” Twilight slapped the hoof away.

“But I just want to help you. You’re…you’re my friend, Twilight.” Pinkie’s voice stuttered slightly.

“You're not my friend! You're not Pinkie Pie! You're just a pathetic pretender, an imposter, an actor!” Tears had started to leak out of Twilight's eyes. “And…and I'm even worse than you! Because I've been pretending that you've been doing a good job.”

“But…” Pinkie’s ears drooped. “But I threw a party… I made cookies and everything. That’s what friends do! Did…” It was Pinkie’s turn to slump onto her haunches. “Did I do it all wrong?”

Twilight chuckled. It sounded like a frayed film reel, her tears slicing into her laughter. “Even after being told, you still can’t understand. It’s like talking to a rock.” She laughed again, and it lasted a second longer before being cut in half by crying. “I can’t believe I ever thought I could train something as pathetic as you to be Pinkie Pie…”

“But…but I won the test!” Pinkie’s voice cracked and she leaned forward. “Didn’t that mean anything? I’m not an actor! I’m Pinkie Pie!”

“You’re nothing!” Twilight stood up. “You’re just a bad reflection!” She jabbed a hoof towards the door. “Now get out!”

“But…”

“I said—” Twiligh blinked, heavily and slowly. “—leave.” A thin, nearly invisible thread of electricity crackled along her horn. The smell of ozone struck the room. For a moment the kitchen was still. Then the cakepan in the sink snapped in half. The sound of cracking, creaking metal and clattering, breaking dishes rumbled through the entire building, like thunder made of stone and metal.

“You’re not good enough to stay in Ponyville, let alone Pinkie Pie’s house.” Twilight’s voice was still uneven, caught between loud and quiet.

Pinkie didn’t move. Aside from a brief flinch as the pan shattered, her body was motionless. Her eyes were stuck on a particular floorboard, glued to the knot visible under the finish.

It just doesn’t make any sense. If she’s not joking, then…

Pinkie looked up. Twilight was still pointing at the door. Her furrowed brow and puffy eyes didn’t match. The expression and the emotion it represented were completely alien to her, like a preschooler presented with astrophysics.

Pinkie glanced at the sink. Half of the pan was still jutting out of it, a jagged, diagonal line of sheared steel.

Pinkie slowly, carefully stood up. The movement dragged on and on. Twilight’s eyes locked on to her through the entire ritual. Finally, arduously, Pinkie had gotten to her hooves. Then she bolted. The door to Sugarcube Corner slammed open and shut, and the noise crashed across the entire town.

Author's Note

—Tear Right At Your Soul.

I wrote at least six drafts of this confrontation. I cried during two of them.

13. My Heart Felt Like—

13. My Heart Felt Like—

“You did what?” Rainbow Dash tried to say it calmly, but her restraint snapped on the last word.

“I just couldn’t take it anymore,” Twilight said. Her voice was muffled by her fetal position. “Pinkie Pie is dead. She’s dead and I tried to pretend that thing was her.”

“It’ll be okay, Twilight,” Fluttershy said. She put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder, but Twilight didn’t move.

“Well, she may not be the real Pinkie Pie, but she doesn’t deserve being thrown out!” Rainbow’s voice had gotten louder. Self-control had never been one of her strengths. “I’m gonna go find her, who’s coming?”

“Er, uhm, Rainbow…” Fluttershy’s voice was still the same soft tone she had been using with Twilight. “Maybe…maybe we shouldn’t.”

“Are you serious?”

“No. But, well…” Fluttershy tilted her head towards Twilight.

“Yeah, I know it’s her fault! That’s why I have to go look for Pinkie.”

Fluttershy’s mouth dropped open in surprise. “Rainbow Dash! This isn’t anypony’s fault! How could you even say that?”

“This definitely looks like someone’s fault to me.” Rainbow Dash jerked her head to the side. Rarity and Applejack were still muttering between themselves. They were at the edge of the room, just far enough away not to be heard. “And why aren’t you two saying anything?”

The two of them looked up at the same time. Their gazes followed the exact same path. First they looked at Rainbow Dash. Then they turned their heads to Twilight, still curled up on the floor. Finally, they looked at each other.

“We were just discussing the best way to react to all of this,” Rarity finally said.

“Yeah? And what’d you come up with?” Rainbow Dash asked. There was more than a hint of mockery in the question.

“We think everypony needs ta calm down,” Applejack said.

“Calm down? I’m as calm as cloudbank.” Rainbow jerked a hoof at the kitchen’s sink. The broken pan was still jutting out of it. “What do you call that?”

“Well…”

“So are you two coming or not?”

Another glance.

“We’re not sure that’s a good idea,” Rarity said. She didn’t look at Rainbow Dash.

“Fine, stay here then. All four of you.” Rainbow Dash flared her wings at the first word, and by the time her sentence ended she was already out the door.

“Fluttershy?” Twilight’s voice was still quiet, a whisper muffled by her own body.

“Yes?”

“Does that lie ever work?”

“What do you mean?”

“The one about everything being okay.”

Fluttershy bit her lip, just for a moment. She knew the delay would make her answer less convincing, but she hadn’t been able to help it. Animals never asked her things like that. “It will be okay, Twilight. I promise.”

Twilight didn’t say anything.

Rarity turned back to Applejack, lowered her voice, covered her mouth with a hoof. “Well, you were right about contacting Celestia, I suppose.”

“So, do ya know a messaging spell or somethin’ like that or not? Can’t use Spike, since Twilight has him stayin’ with Cheerilee or whatever. Better not ta drag him into this.”

“I’d need a book or something to refresh my memory, but I suppose it would be easy enough.” Rarity let a deep, long breath. “I suppose I should not be surprised. When you put off calling someone long enough, then the circumstances you do call them under are never pleasant.”

“Maybe I should go back?” Pinkie paused and looked back at the town. Her foreleg rose a little bit, but fell back down. “No, Twilight might still be mad.” She continued walking along the path. “She just needs time to calm down. I didn’t do anything wrong. I won the test, she’ll be fine.

“But, then why did she get mad in the first place? I mean, I won the test, I threw a party, I made cookies. Nothing should be wrong! So why did she get mad?”

The road forked. One path wandered towards the forest, straightening out near the edge. The other path veered a little to the left, farther away from the town. Pinkie barely even paused to consider before continuing down the left path. It was a little better kempt; the walk would probably be smoother.

“I’m not shallow. That’s just silly. I won the test, right? So I can’t be shallow. I’m not an actor. Maybe it was something I said. Maybe I shouldn’t have told Twilight about my dream. I thought it was silly, but maybe she didn’t like it? Maybe it reminded her of something. I hope I didn’t hurt her feelings. I’m sure she’ll be fine. I’ll just finish my walk and then go back and talk to her. I’m not shallow, I won the test, Twilight must just be sad about something else.”

Pinkie paused. “Oh no! If she’s sad, and I made it worse instead of helping her… What if they don’t let me back? Am I a bad friend? That must be it. Twilight wanted my help and I did it wrong. Should I go back?”

She turned to the town again. She had walked a little way out of it, but it was still fairly close. She sat down. She had run out of town sort of fast, so she was a little tired.

“What if she was right?” The words were quieter than the rest of her speech. “I’m supposed to be a good friend but I couldn’t help her. I made cookies and I threw a party for Fluttershy but Twilight was still upset and I didn’t even notice!”

She started rubbing her hooves together. “I didn’t know she was upset. A good friend should know that, shouldn’t I? Maybe I should go back. But she told me to leave, and she said I was bad at throwing parties and…”

Pinkie grabbed her head. “I don’t know what to do. I passed the test, I’m supposed to know what to do and how to be a good friend but I just don’t!”

It was just like the time that Fluttershy had asked her to that tea party. She hadn’t known what to do then either. The thought had scared her so much; the idea that she couldn’t pick something and would have to settle for nothing.

The test was supposed to solve everything. She won, that meant something. She was supposed to better at this, it was supposed to fix everything. That’s what they had made it sound like.

Except it hadn’t worked. Pinkie took her hooves away from her face, and she could feel her fur sticking together. She hadn’t even noticed the tears. Just like she hadn’t noticed Twilight being sad.

“Maybe…maybe Twilight was right…” The words were just loud enough to hear, and the sound of them turned Pinkie’s stomach. She clamped her hooves over her head and scrunched her eyes shut. She didn’t want to hear it. “Maybe…maybe I’m a terrible friend…” The sentence was inaudible. Pinkie didn’t hear it, but she knew she had said it. The admission almost felt worse because of it. She couldn’t even bring herself to say it out loud, to listen to the truth.

“Are you okay?”

“No!” Pinkie didn’t recognize the voice, but it didn’t matter. The innocuous question was like an accusation, an interrogation, and she couldn’t just ignore it. “I’m a terrible friend and I’m terrible at parties and Twilight hates me and I don’t know what to do!” Her voice cracked. “The test didn’t help at all! I’m supposed to be Pinkie Pie and be everyone’s friend and be good at parties and it didn’t work!” She could definitely feel tears on her face now. Even with her eyes closed, the salt leaked into her mouth.

Suddenly, she felt hooves wrap around her. She didn’t pause to question the hug, or the way the other pony gently lifted her into position. She just threw her forelegs towards the pony, her eyes still closed in a futile attempt to make herself feel better. She felt rough fabric press into her forelegs, the pony’s mane stick to her face.

“It’ll be okay,” the pony said.

“But…but if I didn’t do anything wrong why is she mad at me?” Pinkie pushed her face deeper into the pony’s body. She felt some of her tears and mucous smear onto the other pony, and briefly wondered if that was another fox pass.

“Twilight didn’t mean it.” The pony’s voice was so calm, so gentle.

The memory of that broken pan and Twilight crying flashed into Pinkie’s mind. She definitely had not been joking. “How can you tell?” Pinkie’s question was barely a whisper. She wanted to believe it so badly.

“Nopony wants to hurt anypony else, not on purpose. Sometimes ponies get confused, or sad, or angry. They don’t want to hurt anyone else, but they can’t help it. Their emotions get the best of them. But, no matter what, we can always be happy again. All you have to do is remind them what happiness is, and that brings everything back to normal.”

Pinkie’s slowly opened her eyes. The other pony smelled nice, like grass and moss, though the smell didn’t match the pink of her coat. “Except I tried that already, and…and I just made it worse.”

“Well, I guess we’ll just have to go try together.”

Pinkie finally pulled her head up, peeling it off the other pony’s coat. Even through the layer of drying tears, the pony’s hair was still vibrant. It finally struck Pinkie how familiar the shade of pink was.

Pinkie looked up at the pony’s face. “Pinkie Pie?”

Pinkie Pie smiled. “None oth—” Her smiled dimmed a little. “Well…I mean, yep. That’s my name. Don’t wear it out. Or, something like that.”

Pinkie Pie stood up and pulled Pinkie up after her. Her beat up cloak had a noticeable stain near the top. Her shoulder had a similar one. She didn’t bother with them.

“Come on, let’s go back to Ponyville.”

The two of them trotted back down the road. Neither of them said anything. Pinkie tried to, more than once. Every time her mouth would open and the words would just fade away and die out.

It was just like the tea party. She hadn’t been able to figure out what to do, and so she had gone crying to Pinkie Pie. She wanted to think about something else, ask questions, but that was the only thought she could muster. She still couldn’t decide for herself, which meant that Twilight was still right. Even with Pinkie Pie walking next to her, humming something or other, it was not a comforting thought.

Author's Note

—a Shattered Glass In an Acid Bath

14. Just a Figment

14. Just a Figment

It was dark. Cold and dark. My skin was numb, my eyes couldn’t see anything. Nothing but a black void and numbness.

I screamed, and my ears definitely still worked. No sight or sound, but I could hear just fine.

It was quiet at first. After I screamed I kind of ran out of ideas of what to do. So I just sat there, waiting and thinking.

I don’t know how long I sat there. It was impossible to tell. Moving my body didn’t help, so I started singing a song.

I forget how many songs I went through, or what order they were in. I know a lot. My mouth never got tired, so I just kept singing, waiting for something to happen.

Then, after lots of verses of lots of different songs, they started mimicking me. I'm still not exactly sure who “they” were, though. The voices sounded just like mine, except farther away. I’m pretty sure they weren’t echoes, but I guess I’ll never know for sure.

I don’t know how long that went on, either. I ran out of things to sing, so it must have been a really long time.

When I stopped singing, they stopped too. Only for a moment. They started singing their own songs after that.

Now, normally I’m really good at songs. Singing and lyrics and everything. Except I couldn’t really memorize these ones that easily. The words sounded so strange. Even now I barely remember bits of them. Stuff about “swallowing anything evil” and “seeing for miles” and all sorts of silly gibberish.

Every time I tried to sing along the words stuck in my throat, or I would get one line right and then the rest would come out wrong, or my voice would crack and it would be off pitch.

Then, I was gasping for breath, dragging myself out of a pool of water. I coughed, and I could feel my throat and lungs burn.

It turns out I was in Whitetail Woods. They aren’t as bad as the Everfree Forest, obviously, but there wasn’t anypony to give me a ride. So I had to walk back here. And, well, here we are.

“And that’s how I got my cutie mark.” Pinkie Pie smiled, but it was much more forced than her usual toothy grin. “Maybe someday I’ll tell you how I got out of the mirror pool.”

“That’s not funny, Pinkie Pie,” Fluttershy said.

Pinkie Pie shrugged. “Well, you know, it was worth a shot.”

“Wait, where’d ya get the cloak then?” Applejack asked.

“Oh, that. I made it out of tree bark and grass.” Pinkie Pie flashed another strained smile. “Needed to practice my sewing.”

“I’m so sorry.” Twilight tightened her hug. Her face still rested on Pinkie Pie’s lap, and her tears had thoroughly soaked Pinkie Pie’s coat. Neither the discomfort of the position or the dampness impeded her hug. “I didn’t mean— I didn’t want to— I—”

“It’s okay Twilight.” Pinkie Pie patted Twilight’s back. She had been rubbing it throughout her story. “I already forgave you. It wasn’t a big deal.”

“How can you say that! I could’ve— I almost—”

“But you didn’t, silly. So stop worrying about it,” Pinkie Pie said softly.

The front door opened and shut, just loudly enough to catch everypony’s attention.

“Well I didn't find her,” Rainbow Dash said as she walked in. “Did I miss any—” she froze as she stepped into the living room. “Pinkie Pie?” She turned to the clone and back to Pinkie Pie. Her eyes darted back and forth another time, then finally settled on Pinkie Pie.

“Hey Rainbow Dash! I was just telling everypony how I got my—” Pinkie Pie’s smile dimmed slightly. “I mean, how I got out of the mirror pool. You didn’t really miss much.”

Dash opened her mouth, but quickly closed it. She turned to the right. Applejack was the closest pony to her.

“Am I the only one freaked out by this? I thought she was…”

“Trust me, we all felt the same way,” Applejack said.

“And…” Rainbow Dash covered her mouth with a hoof. Her voice was still perfectly audible in the small room. “And how do we know it’s the actual Pinkie Pie? I mean, she came out of a mirror pool, and we already screwed up once.”

“She’s a little too, well, lively ta be a clone. Besides, the clone didn’t exactly have any of Pinkie Pie’s memories, and she does.”

“Yeah, I told everybody about that time we improved the Grand Galloping Gala.” Pinkie Pie giggled. “At the diner, you joked that your favorite type of donut was plain because you could eat it the fastest.”

Rainbow Dash tackled Pinkie Pie, and the two of them fell backwards, dragging Twilight with them.

“Pinkie Pie! I knew it was you.”

Pinkie smiled. “Do I get a welcome-back hug too? I mean, I left and came back, and I’ve never had a hug before, so this is probably a good time for one, right?”

“Uhm,” Rarity paused. She had been mulling over what to call the clone for a while, and she still hadn’t come up with anything. She settled for half of Pinkie Pie’s name. It was mostly out of habit, but the symbolism of it was obvious to everyone except the clone. “Pinkie, this may not be the best time for a question like that,” she whispered.

Twilight’s hooves tightened again. “Why did you bring it back, Pinkie Pie? You could have just left it out there and nopony would have noticed.”

“Twilight, you know that isn’t true.”

“It is true. I just want it to be gone so we can forget this ever happened.”

“I know you don’t mean that.” Pinkie Pie rubbed Twilight’s shoulder. “I guess it’s my fault, though. I was gone a pretty long time, by the looks of it. Speaking of…” Pinkie Pie stood up. Rainbow Dash moved aside without protest, but Twilight clung to Pinkie Pie’s midriff, dangling slightly off the floor.

“Twilight, I’m happy to see you too, but I need to talk with Pinkie for a bit.”

“Pinkie Pie, I’m just so sorry. Please…please don’t leave me.”

Pinkie Pie smiled. “I’m not leaving, silly. I never did, and I’m not going to now.” She wormed out of Twilight’s grip, and turned to her clone. “Come on, we’ll talk in the kitchen.”

Pinkie didn’t say anything at first. Just watching Pinkie Pie bake took all her attention. The way she moved from one part of the room to the other, the way she poured things, the way she bounced the ingredients from one spot to the other. It was effortless and mesmerizing and perplexing all at once.

Then, before she could even realize it was over, Pinkie Pie was pulling a tray of muffins out of the oven and piling them on a tray.

“Hungry?” Pinkie Pie put a muffin on the table. It was still warm, and the chocolate chips studding its surface were still gooey. “Go on. I’ve got to go give some to everypony else.”

Pinkie Pie was gone in a flash, and Pinkie was left alone with her muffin. It was delicious. Every part of it worked together and each bite had a little bit of each part. It was like that food in the restaurant she had gone to with Rainbow Dash, deliberate and yummy and careful. Not like the food she made at all.

Pinkie Pie walked back into the kitchen, her smile considerably fuller. She sat down across from Pinkie and took a bite of one of the muffins still on the tray. “Pretty good, right? Chocolate makes you feel better, it’s a scientific fact. That sounds like a fun job, doesn’t it? Chocolate scientist. Hanging out with the butterscotch scientists and caramel scientists.”

“I guess,” Pinkie muttered.

“What’s the matter? Do you need milk?”

“Twilight was right. I’m terrible at parties. Out of town, on the road, you calmed me down, but you didn’t say she was wrong.” Pinkie took another bite of her muffin. It was still delicious, but that only confirmed the truth. “The test was supposed to see if I was a good Pinkie Pie, but it didn’t work. You’re still better at it. I'm just a…”

Pinkie Pie poked her own muffin, but didn’t take a bite out of it. “I have to apologize to you.”

Pinkie’s ear flicked. “For what?”

“I thought that a notepad with some drawings and some names was all it would take for you to be me. I thought that I could…I dunno, dress you up as me, that nopony would notice the difference and I could use you as a way to fix all the problems I was having.

“I could have helped you, but I was too selfish. I was so concerned with helping myself that I didn’t see you as anything but a…a tool.” Pinkie Pie looked up from her muffin, her smile completely faded. “I’m sorry. I tried to make you something you’re not. I know how stressful that is, how depressing, but I didn’t give a second thought to forcing it on another pony. This whole thing is all my fault.”

“So Twilight was right…”

“Well, she was right about you not being a good Pinkie Pie.”

The clone flinched at the words.

Pinkie Pie draped a hoof across the other Pinkie’s foreleg. “But me and her both forgot the rest of it. You’re a bad Pinkie Pie, but that’s a good thing. Nopony should ever have to be anyone other than themselves.”

“So, if I’m not Pinkie Pie, who am I?” the clone asked.

Pinkie Pie smiled, and this time it was genuine and toothy. “That’s the best part! You can be whoever you like.”

“But I don’t…I wouldn’t even know where to start.”

“No one said you have to do it alone, silly.”

Pinkie took a bite of her muffin. “It sounds like you thought about this a lot.”

“Yeah, well, I had plenty of time to think about it on the walk over,” Pinkie Pie said. “Wasn’t a lot else to do, ya know?”

16. My Pride It Makes Me Sick

16. My Pride It Makes Me Sick

Twilight had been staring at the paper for a while. Her quills sat on the desk, untouched. Her inkwell was still full. Every time her magic flared or her hoof rose up, intending to grab a quill and write something, she froze. Then her body settled into the same position, and she stared at the paper some more.

She had lost track of how many times she had done that.

Somepony knocked on the library door. It was sharp and loud, probably Applejack.

“Come in.” The response was purely reflex. Twilight didn’t bother to look up from the blank parchment.

“Twi’?” Applejack poked her head into the building. “Pinkie Pie’s ‘welcome back’ party is startin’ soon. I figured we could walk over together.”

“I don’t think I’m going.”

“Oh?” Applejack stepped into the library. Her nostrils flared a little as the smell hit her—light, but it was definitely aging sweat. “And why not? I figured ya’d be the first pony there.”

“She’s throwing it for the town, not herself. I already know she’s back. I don’t need a party for that.”

“So? A little normalcy ain’t gonna hurt ya, after everything that’s happened.”

Twilight still hadn’t looked up from her desk. “I have to finish this letter.”

Applejack walked over, poked her head towards Twilight’s and over the paper. “Yeah, well. I guess you’re really in the middle of it? Who’s this for, that it’s so important?”

“Princess Celestia.”

“Oh, well, I’m sure you can finish it later. It’ll still be here after the party.”

“But that’s the problem!” Twilight nearly shouted it. The sudden contrast with her reflexive monotone made Applejack start. “It’s been days and I still don’t know what to write!”

“It’s just a letter, Twi’.”

“Just a letter?” Twilight finally looked up. There was a hint of puffiness around her eyes. “Don’t you get it, AJ? I’m supposed to write about lessons I learned. If I can’t think of anything to write, that means I didn’t learn anything.”

Twilight poked at one of her quills. “And…and if I didn’t learn anything, that means that everything that happened—what I did to the town, what I did to my friends, what I did to Pinkie Pie—it was all for nothing.”

“Don’t be silly, Twilight. It wasn’t all for nothin’. I mean, we got Pinkie Pie back, and Celestia said she’d help the clone. Everything turned out fine, pretty much.”

“And what if Pinkie Pie hadn’t come back?”

Applejack didn’t respond.

Twilight was still fidgeting with her quill. She had started to roll it between her hoof and the desk, and the barbs were starting to wrinkle. “Do you remember the time I cast that spell on my doll, and the whole town went crazy?”

“Yeah…”

“I still remember the letter we wrote. I’ve memorized them all. ‘Don’t let your worries turn a small problem into an enormous one.’ And we didn’t write it down, but I also learned not to use magic for all my problems.” Twilight’s hoof stopped. “Except, I didn’t learn anything, did I? If I hadn’t been such a…such a grief-ridden idiot, none of this would have happened.”

“Twilight!”

“Don’t give me that, AJ!” Twilight flung the quill off her desk. “I thought that I was becoming a better pony here, and it turns out that I’m still a neurotic, short-sighted mess!” Twilight looked up, and the puffiness from before had become actual tears. “That’s what I learned! That I’m still the same horrible pony I always was!” Twilight planted her hooves on the desk. She stood up, her back legs shaking and tears dripping onto the paper. “And…and Princess Celestia knows that! That look she gave me when she came to collect the clone… I knew this would happen if she found out. She didn’t say anything, but she didn’t need to. I can’t write this stupid letter because I learned something awful, and I don’t need to because the Princess already realized I’m a lost cause!”

Twilight swept the paper off the desk. Her balance wobbled from the action, and she slumped back down, her face resting on her forelegs.

Applejack walked over, rested a hoof on her shoulder. “Twilight, you’re bein’ too hard on yourself. Nopony handles grief well. You’re not a failure for acting equine.”

Twilight didn’t respond.

“And I know it might seem frustratin’, not havin’ a simple resolution to everythin’, but complicated problems have complicated answers. Someday, when all this is all behind us, you can look back and take some answers from this whole mess. But it ain’t gonna just settle into a pretty letter for ya. I think that’s why the Princess didn’t talk to ya. None of this nonsense about being a horrible pony.”

“Really?” Twilight turned her head to side. Her tears had slowed.

“Really really,” Applejack said.

“So, I’m not a horrible pony?”

“Of course not!” Applejack rested her other hoof on Twilight’s foreleg. “You’re one of the kindest, smartest ponies I know. We all make mistakes, Twi’. Some of them just take longer to learn from, and some just cause more damage before they teach those lessons.”

“I guess…I guess you’re right.”

“Of course I am. Now c’mon, we have a Pinkie Party to get to.”

“Yeah, I guess we do.”

Applejack helped Twilight up. Twilight wiped her face messily on her foreleg, and the two of them walked to the door. Twilight’s hoof lingered on the door handle. She looked back over her shoulder; the crumpled, tear-stained parchment was still on the floor.

Finally, she tore her gaze away and walked into the crisp evening air. She could clean it up after the party. Maybe Applejack was right; maybe she didn't need to write a letter. After all, ponies are defined by their experiences, good and bad. That's what the letters were for, helping her to remember and learn from her experiences. And, whether she wanted to or not, she would remember this for a long time. And despite what they kept telling her, everypony else would too.

Author's Note

A special thanks to Nonagon for editing. Everyone who edited for me was helpful, but Nonagon definitely had the most impact on the final product. If you liked this story, don't forget to check out some of my prereader's pages—stories are products of both their writers and editors, after all.

I considered doing a sort of Director's Commentary/A blog post where I reflected/elaborated on the story chapter-by-chapter or something to that effect. I'm not sure if that many people would be interested, though. I intentionally kept the author's notes sparse so as not to impede/spoil the story or debate, and I'm not sure that such a post would add much.

Thanks for reading. While it was emotionally draining, this was consistently one of my favorite stories to update, because of the strong audience reactions and debates it sparked. :twilightsmile:

1. This Can't Be the Scene

1. This Can’t Be the Scene

BY: cleverpun

Moments after the sneeze, Twilight Sparkle lowered her horn and cast the spell. The flash of white and purple lit up the entire room. The blinding light faded very slowly, lingering far longer than any of the others. Eventually it receded, and as everypony lowered their hooves and opened their eyes, there was only a single pink pony sitting on the floor. She was still staring intently at the painted wall.

Twilight let out a deep sigh and walked towards her. “Pinkie, you can look away now.”

Pinkie blinked slowly. “I passed?” She rubbed a hoof against her forehead.

The other five had started to approach as well, and a small half-circle had formed around the pink earth pony.

Twilight smiled. “You passed. You’re the only Pinkie who kept staring at the wall.”

A small smile crept onto Pinkie’s face. “I knew I’d win! There’s no way I could lose something that important!”

“I knew you'd be up to the challenge.”

“So my prize is I get to stay, right?”

Twilight froze. “What?”

Rarity and Fluttershy exchanged a glance. Another passed between Rainbow Dash and Applejack. Spike looked up at Twilight, but she was still staring at Pinkie.

Pinkie’s smile widened. “That’s what you said right? Whoever wins gets to stay, and I won!”

“No…” Twilight’s word was barely a whisper, but the room was so quiet everypony heard it regardless.

“Yes!” Pinkie bounced up. “I remember! I heard you say it! You know, that was pretty fun now that it’s all over!” She had started hopping up and down. “Ooh, what should we do next? Something fun?”

“Twilight?” Applejack whispered.

Twilight took a few steps back. Everypony but Pinkie was staring at her now. “No…it couldn’t…” Her eyes flicked to the window and back to Pinkie.

“Twilight?” Fluttershy’s voice wavered a bit.

“Sugarcube?”

Twilight’s eyes darted around, landing everywhere except on her friends. She started breathing faster. She froze again. Her horn started glowing, she screwed her eyes shut and grunted as the spell shot out of her horn in a brief burst of purple light.

She was still for a few seconds. Her breathing evened out and her horn continued to glow brightly. Fluttershy and Rarity took a few steps towards her, when suddenly her eyes snapped open and she fell backward onto her rump.

She shakily stood up, then jabbed a hoof at Pinkie. “You. Come with me.”

“Are we gonna do something fun?”

“No.”

The lights in the conference room flickered for a moment. Pinkie shifted in her chair.

Twilight stared intensely at Pinkie. “How did you do it?” The question was icy, but angry. Twilight’s voice was low, but clear.

“I dunno.” Pinkie shrugged.

“You did something! Tell me!” Twilight finally let her voice rise. It made her feel better, if only slightly.

Pinkie winced. “I really don’t know. The other Pinkie just told me to have fun and act like her, so I did. She watched paint dry, so I did too. And it was a game, and games are fun, and I wanted to win. And I don’t really know how else to say it.”

Twilight slammed her hooves on the desk between them and leaned forward. “It can’t be that simple! There’s no way some clone outdid the real Pinkie Pie!” The conference desk wobbled and rattled slightly from her blow.

Pinkie recoiled again. “Twilight, you’re scaring me…”

Twilight's posture stiffened at the mention of her name. She leaned further over the desk.

Applejack put a hoof on Twilight’s shoulder, gently guiding her back to her chair. “Calm down, sugarcube. I know you’re upset about what happened to Pinkie Pie, but gettin’ angry won’t solve anything.”

“What else do you expect me to do?”

Pinkie scratched her head. “What’s there to get angry at, Twilight? I won the game, so I’m Pinkie Pie now. That’s how it works, right?”

Twilight finally lost what little control she had and burst out of her chair towards the clone. Magic would’ve been faster. Fast enough that Dash and Applejack wouldn’t have been able to tackle her. She knew that, of course.

Pinkie turned to the white unicorn next to her.

“Uhm, Rarity? Why is Twilight so upset? She didn’t lose the game, right? She was just the judge. Judges don’t win or lose, they just watch everyone else have fun. I don’t…”

The sound of Twilight crying interrupted Pinkie’s sentence.

“Why is she crying?”

“Because…Pinkie…” Rarity paused, “you may have been playing the ‘game,’ but the rest of us lost something because of the result.”

“Oh, were you betting something? I hear gambling is pretty fun! What did you lose?”

“The real Pinkie Pie.”

Pinkie smiled, innocently and sincerely. “Oh don’t be silly, Rarity! I’m right here! I won it fair and square! Pinkie told me to be like her, and I was so much like her I won! I must’ve done a good job, right? And now we can have loads of fun and throw parties and whatever else Pinkie—I mean, I used to…! Why is everypony crying?”

15. Is It Me, for a Moment?

15. Is It Me, for a Moment?

Celestia took another look at the letter. She took a sip of her tea, her eyes never leaving the paper. She was quite accustomed to reading while eating or drinking, and neither the cup nor the letter wavered.

She set the cup down, and finally looked at the pony across from her.

She certainly looked like the Element of Laughter. Her appearance, however, was the only similarity. There were so many obvious differences. The way her mane bounced around less. The way she moved, nervous and blunt instead of lively and confident. The way her magic felt, less complex and less sharp than a normal pony.

Even her voice was a little different. It had the same tone and timbre, but her sentences were shorter, her diction simpler, with less music and variation than Pinkie Pie’s voice.

Celestia sighed. She had gotten very observant in her old age. She could not fault her student for not noticing things which were so obvious to her. She set the paper down.

“That is quite a story. You told it very thoroughly. You must have a good memory.” Celestia smiled.

The pony had been fidgeting the entire time she told it. Even now, she did not sit entirely still on her cushion, and kept glancing around the room. Celestia had intentionally chosen one of the simplest chambers in the castle. It was barely adorned, with soft blue walls and almost no furniture. It had not been enough, clearly. Perhaps they should have talked in Ponyville.

“Do you know why you are here?” Celestia asked.

Pinkie shook her head.

“I have already heard quite a few versions of your story from the other ponies in Ponyville, and quite a few opinions about you and Twilight and everyone else involved. But I wanted to see what you thought of everything.” Celestia turned her head to the window. All the windows in the castle were quite large. Even as one of the smaller ones, it still let a flood of sunlight into the room. “I see now that I probably should have asked you somewhere else. I did not want to make you uncomfortable.”

“No, it’s not that. It’s just…” Pinkie finally rested her hooves on her seat. “Do you ever tell a story, but it…it doesn’t feel the same way as when it actually happened?”

Celestia smiled. “Yes, I have. Memories often feel that way. They don’t change, but what surrounds them does.” She turned away from the window. “And it is even worse for ponies like you, because your memory doesn’t work quite the same as everypony else’s.”

“You’ve met ponies like me before?”

“A few times. Pinkie Pie is hardly the first pony to abuse the magic of the mirror pool.”

“And…what happened to them?” Pinkie asked.

“It depended on the pony. Some of them eventually chose to go back to the other side of the mirror, some stayed and made lives here. Which one you pick is up to you, however, not them,” Celestia said. Some of them had slightly different fates, but she chose not to mention those.

“I don’t want to go back.”

“Your friends told me as much. They asked me to help you.”

“Twilight tried that already.”

Celestia glanced at the letter. “So I have heard.” She let out a long sigh. She still had not figured out what to say to Twilight Sparkle. Punishing ponies had never been a favorite activity of hers, and she had always had a weakness when it came to her star student. “I’m sorry to say that Twilight Sparkle handled that situation very badly. She tried to force a destiny on you, even though she should have known better. Charts and grief can’t replace serendipity and…” She paused. Even out of the corner of her eye, she could tell that Pinkie didn’t understand her. Flowery oratory was the last thing she needed.

Celestia coughed a little. Any noble or diplomat would have recognized how fake it was, but Pinkie did not. “Excuse me. What I mean to say is, destiny is something you have to discover for yourself. Twilight Sparkle sadly forgot that. I still have to speak with her about it.”

“Pinkie Pie said the same thing.”

Celestia chuckled. “I am not surprised. It is a lesson that most ponies learn, in one way or another.”

“Except, I’m not sure I believe her. I mean, I’m a copy of Pinkie Pie, aren’t I? I have her mane and her cutie mark and her face. How am I supposed to discover things, or…or be myself?”

“My little pony, everyone is a product of their experiences. You may have Pinkie Pie’s appearance, but you will never be the same pony. She has her memories, and you have yours.”

“I guess.” Pinkie shuffled on her seat again. “It’s just, every time I’ve had a problem, Pinkie Pie solved it for me. And now that I think about it, all the times without her just made more problems. So…can I really be myself without her?”

“It sounds like you are worried about your individuality.” Celestia smiled, both to calm Pinkie and herself. Finally, something she had an easy answer to. “Allow me to show you that you are not her. Why don’t I give you a tour of the city? Even Pinkie Pie has never gotten a full tour from a Princess before.”

“She hasn’t?”

“No, she hasn’t.”

“Oh, well, I guess that sounds like fun!” Pinkie sprung up. “Are there bakeries?”

Celestia chuckled. Despite her crisis of identity, she was just like all the previous ones: charmingly curious. “Canterlot has quite a few bakeries. There is actually one near the castle entrance. We can start our tour there.”

Celestia stood up, and the two of them walked out of the room and into the hallway. As they progressed towards the front gates, Celestia could not help but notice how carefully Pinkie studied everything. Her gaze lingered on the tile pattern, the staff’s clothing, the window curtains, and countless other details.

Celestia sighed, but only on the inside. She had never been good with the clones. Their photographic memory and attention to detail was so unsettling. It reminded Celestia of a younger version of herself. Pinkie also had more doubts than the last one, and perhaps they were not unfounded.

Still, the tour was a good start. One new experience in a long list. After all, Pinkie had a lot to learn.