Mind the Mare

When others see me for the first time, they probably think 'Wow, she’s really cute. I bet she gets lots of dates’, or, ‘she’s pretty feisty, I bet she’s like that in bed too’. On the other hoof though, those who actually know me would think more along the lines of 'Wow, at age 23 she's still a virgin. I heard from her roommate that she hasn't even gone on a real date yet!' As much as I've always loved public opinion, the real facts are always the ones you have to deal with the most.

Now before all you horny readers close this story down because you predict a dull, non-cloppity short, let me assure you that in good time I'll eventually warm up to your kinky ideologies... actually, if everything goes as planned, there’ll be a lot more than just clop to be contained.

In a normal case, any self-respecting sex story starts off nice and slow, like the lead up to that much anticipated plot-fucking you've been trying to get the other individual to agree upon... in this case though, I'll change the rules a bit for you all (as an early Christmas present).

Let's take you all back to December the 16th, eight days before Christmas.

Music pulsed through my body as elves, reindeer, and assorted other ponies idly moved throughout the room. Some ponies were dancing, others were trying to chat with one another over the waves of heavy electronic music vibrating the walls, while some ponies decided it to be better to lie on the assorted furniture in the house and drunkenly snog each other. I sat upon one of the couches on the edge of the room, mesmerized by the dancing ponies, and the cheap concert lights constantly blinding me.

“You know, you have a pretty, pretty mane,” a masculine and slightly intoxicated voice said to my side. “The blue, and the white, and the... the blue!”

“Yes. Yes I know you think I have a pretty mane. This is now the seventh time you've reminded me,” I responded.

“Do you think, that we can get something going here in this party?”

I responded, keeping my eyes forward, and not giving him the eye contact that I know he so desperately wanted. “Well, uhm... I don't know. I'm pretty comfortable here, and I have no interest in dancing. I hardly think that you would be able to even dance in that bee outfit that you have there.”

In all honesty, I just came here because my friend Venus told me to. According to her, I spend too many of my nights alone, and I apparently should ‘get out more’. I don’t know what she’s talking about! I get out all the time when I go to the store to stock my fridge.

The stallion guffawed, slightly losing his balance as he leaned over towards me in a very uncomfortable pose.

“Oh I can dance in this; the special kind of dance that I like to call the, 'lets find a room and buck' dance.”

“I've never heard of that one. I think I'll have to learn that eventually. It sounds very old and boring to be honest.”

“Aw, well that's a shame. Would you at least let me get you a drink?” He asked, slurring his words.

“No thank you. I don't drink.”

“In that case, I'll get you something nice. I'll be back in just a second, darling!”

With that, the stallion stumbled his way out of my view into the kitchen, leaving me to sit comfortably on the couch as I watched everyone else have a fun time.

Well, that wasn’t completely accurate. I was having my own fun! It was quite entertaining to sit there like I usually do for much of the day anyways. If sitting on the couch was a sport, I’d have the gold medal every year for it. I mean, here I would probably also get the gold medal for worst costume, considering that Venus decided it would be a good idea if I dressed up like a police pony.

Police ponies don’t dress like this though! I’ve never seen a police pony dress up in leggings, with these awfully uncomfortable straps on my thighs. Not to mention the high heels that she managed to force my hooves into. I’ve also never seen a police pony with handcuffs look like they were made out of the fur of a long haired cat. I swear that Rarity might have taken her sweet Opal and shaved it, using the fur she retained from her buzzy business to create these shackles. If I wanted to look like a police pony I’d just put on a blue shirt, grab a baseball bat, then stick a doughnut in my mouth. That’d be a very highly accurate portrayal of the police service in our area.

“Colgate, you take hints worse than I take magic tests.” A female voice said to my side.

It was Venus. All hail the mare guilty of forcing me into this ridiculous flank-flaring outfit and dragging me into this house. Somehow, I felt less awkward considering that the outfit she was wearing opened up her flank more than mine. I still can’t believe that she was able to take one of her bedsheets and make a nurse costume out of it.

“Take hints? I didn’t notice him giving me any hints. If you’re talking about what I think you’re talking about, then I didn’t tell him to leave, he left on his own. He went to get himself a drink.” I said defiantly.

“Yeah, you also forgot about the time when he asked if he could buck you. What did I tell you before we walked in here?” She questioned, sitting down next to me.

“You said that I should make an effort to get hooked up with a hot looking stallion while we were here.” I recited sarcastically.

“And how’s that going?” She asked, although the tone in her voice told me that she already knew what the answer was going to be.

“I tried. Didn’t you see me talking to him?”

Venus’ expression turned to disappointment, weighing down on me like an iron safe.

“Are you being serious with me right now?! He just asked if you wanted to sex each other and you turned him down. That’s definitely not making an effort to get hooked up with him.” Venus said in an increasingly irate tone.

“You’re right! I didn’t.”

I paused for a second. I considered my clothing, I considered the ponies, and I also considered that I saw that bee stallion coming back with two drinks in his mandibles.

“I really don’t feel comfortable here Venus. Can we please leave?” I begged her.

“Oh come on Colgate! You seriously cannot be thinking that you want to go home now! We’ve only been here for 20 minutes. The party really hasn’t even started yet! You just need to ease into it. It’s okay.” Venus said, becoming more insistent.

“Venus, this was not my idea to come here. You dragged me, literally by my hind hooves to get here. I’m telling you now that I want to go home.”

Venus sighed, laying a hoof on her forehead in frustration. “Okay, Colgate, you win. But first, before I take you home, please just have a drink or two. I promise we’ll leave immediately after.”

Well.. that did sound like an alright offer, and I didn’t want to rain on her parade, forcing her to leave the party that she is obviously enjoying; and by the look on those stallions’ faces, they’re enjoying her company just as much. I mean, I may not have really drank anything harder than cider before, but that’s sort of assumed with my self declared ‘shut in’ status.

“Alright... fine. I accept.”

As if on cue the bee stallion returned clutching the drinks in his hooves.

“I came back for you darling. I brought a little something for us.” He buzzed.

“Why thank you kind sir.” Venus interjected, stealing both of the glasses from the stallion’s grasp.

“A-what? You... uhmm...” The stallion stuttered.

“Be off with you now!” Venus said, handing me one of the glasses as I started chuckling from her unintended pun.

“Er... can I buck you too?” The stallion asked Venus in a very blatant and loud tone.

“Yes. I’ll meet you downstairs in 2 minutes.” Venus promised, winking to him.

“Oh boy! Two mares! This is going to be great!” The stallion says cheerfully as he stumbles to the basement of the residence.

Venus turns back towards me, chuckling silently to herself. “Now back to business, you’re going to consume a couple drinks, and then we’ll bring you back home. You have to at least break some barriers tonight.”

“Okay. As long as you don’t dress me up in leather and make me roleplay an outlaw.” I chuckled jokingly back to her.

“Oh Colgate, that’s my forte! However I wouldn’t make you do something like that against your will.” She said with a wink as she held her drink up to me. “Cheers?”

“Skål.” I raised my own glass to meet hers, causing a small insignificant clink as I poured the slightly alcoholic contents down my throat.

Well... saying it to be slightly alcoholic was definitely an understatement. I would not use any word other than damn right painful to describe what just transpired.

What I’m really meaning to say here is, that damned hurt! That drink burned my mouth and throat dry! How can people actually enjoy drinking this? I mean, besides the fact that now I feel like my stomach is a couple pounds heavier (which is not very pleasing either), I wish that someone would have told me that drinking this was dangerous.

“Ahh! My throat is burning!” I cried out to Venus, my eyes getting slightly damp in pain.

“Oh! Sorry about that, I forgot to mention that these are kind of strong...” Venus said. She quickly looked around, taking my glass from me with an aura of her magic. She returned not even moments later with my glass filled with water. I quickly grabbed it with my own magic, and poured it generously into my mouth. I sighed as the burning was swept away, and fell back onto the couch that I was previously sitting on.

“Urg. I’m starting to feel sick.” I said, grabbing my stomach and groaning in pain.

“Did you eat anything before we came here?” She asked, sounding slightly concerned.

“Uhmm... I had a couple crackers before you invited me to come.” I replied.

Venus sighed, then chuckled. “You know you’re never supposed to drink on an empty stomach.”

“How am I supposed to know that?” I replied slightly angered. “It’s not like I come out every weekend to do stuff like this.”

The nerve of this pony...

“Yes, you are right I suppose. How about we get you something to calm that stomach of yours down a bit.” Venus disappeared again into the kitchen. This time holding a medium size piece of bread and a plastic cup filled with water in her magical levitation spell.

Needless to say I gobbled that piece of bread up instantly, and followed it up with a chaser of water. This stomach settling concoction definitely helped me feel a little better.

“T-thank you. Celestia that was a bit strong. What was that even?” I asked.

Venus smiled with a very prominent sign of guilt painted on her face like a billboard in Manehattan. “I don’t know... maybe a mix of Applejack’s and Lunarshine...”

You bitch.

“What!? Are you insane! That could have killed me! Those drinks are at least 60% pure alcohol!”

“I know right!?” She replied. “Since this is the first time you’ve drank in your life, we had to start it out with a bang!”

I grumbled at the little trick she played at me and happily drank the last of the cup of water that she had given me.

“Fine. If you think that was funny, let’s do it again.” I challenged.

A look of surprise invaded Venus’s expression. It was priceless. Although that expression quickly faded to happy smile. Goddamnit I can’t get her for more than a couple seconds.

“If you insist...” She said as she grabbed a bottle from the table behind her with her magic. Thankfully, this wasn’t the 60% that she mercilessly shoved down my throat before, but I suddenly was not the most dedicated fan to my most recent plan.

“Okay... let’s go. Together?” I said, holding up my glass.

“Together.” She stated as she poured the next round into both our glasses.

We smiled at eachother, and clinked our glasses together, then happily drank the dose that had been prescribed to us: a shot of Equestrian Ale.

The only word that I have to describe what ensued was a delayed action attack by fuzzy slippers. The ground felt like... well, felt. And whenever I shook my head it felt inexplicably weird. If this was what feeling drunk was like, I need to consider doing this more often.

“Ah... ah think that I need to uhm... sit down.” I said, thinking that my speech was impeccable, but by the smile on Venus's face that was probably not the case.

“You know Colgate. I love you.” She said, looking me in the eye.

“Wait... what?” I was instantly confused by the sudden confession. “What do you mean?”

“I mean I love you! I care for you. I wish you nothing less than the best.” She replied.

“Uhm... thanks?” I said in the most confused tone I could pull off while still being this intoxicated.

“You know what Colgate, you’ve been a shut in for way too long. I think it’s about time you got into the groove of things.”

“What do you mean?” I questioned.

“Well you need to get your sex on Colgate! Get those hindquarters moving! You’re already an adult and you haven’t even spread your haunches more than a couple inches!”

“Hey, hey. I take pride in being anti-social. I’m busy with school and being an Olympic lazy-hooves.”

“Listen, Colgate, I’m going to offer something that you dare not refuse.” Venus said as she put one hoof on my shoulder. “I’m going to offer you some lessons. Lessons that will make you a mare once and for all.”

Well. That’s something that I’ve never been offered before. Lets break down this properly. She’s offering to help me get fit up to find a mate and get on with my life. She’s forced me to get drunk in order to present this to me, and she’s probably going to try and dress me up like a whorse again.

Aww hell, my life’s been getting boring lately anyways.

“Okay Venus. It’s a deal. I’ll go along with your teachy-lesson adulty thingy.” I said drunkenly, holding up my half-full glass of ale.

A wide smile swept across Venus’s face faster than a cloud chariot.

“Sounds good! We’ll start tomorrow.” Venus said.

“Okay! Cheers to learning stuff!” I said, swallowing the last contents of my glass. The last thing I remember is looking at Venus very dumbly, then falling on my face.

Waking up the next morning, I found myself in the most unexpected of situations.