The Pointless Adventures of Guinness

by Altoid

Rating: teen
Tags: Adventure, Main 6, My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic, Other, Original Character, Comedy
Length: 16928

Rainbow Dash’s new coltfriend Guinness has left her all alone while he goes on a magical quest. Who is this stallion, really? Where did he come from? And what is this mysterious wing-giving substance known as Red Bull?

Guinness had been in Equestria for short time when he and two other ex-human "friends" had involuntarily released the hordes of Tartarus, met the multicolored mare of his dreams and driven Twilight Sparkle over the edge of insanity. But now Guinness is compelled, albeit unwillingly, to search for the powerful object that sent him there in the first place. A silver and blue artifact from another world with unknown powers capable of travel across the thresholds of time, space and the multiverse. An awe inspiring item that can give you wings... an empty can of Red Bull.

A continuation of the story Science, Steam and Beer and a member story of the Dream Series by totallynotabrony (He also made the art for this).

Published 2012-12-16 14:20:01 UTC
Last updated 2014-05-18 16:45:46 UTC

Moose Power

Seven minutes, more or less. That is how long it took for the pirate ship to get blasted to the edge of hell when we entered Port Freeforall. Apparently the port had been guarded by not just one fort but three, as well as several heavy frigates. Now I conveniently floated on a beat up longboat with Captain Cannonball and Squibles as the opposing ships loomed over us.

“Pirates!” A voice ordered. “Drop your weapons and prepare to be taken into custody!”

We complied and it turned out that most of our captors were mooses, moose... whatever, and a few zebras. They quickly took us to the port and threw us into the main fort’s prison. Being locked in a cell with angry Canadian wildlife guarding the outside was somewhat frightening, but being locked in one with a pissed off minotaur that could probably tear a pony in half made me want to crawl under a low bench and hide.

And so I did. Luckily a moose officer, or some other high ranking individual, came to take us to the local governor. We walked in silence for most of the trip and I honestly didn’t mind. As we walked through the town I asked our captor a question that had been tugging at my mind ever since we were sunk.

“So,” I asked nonchalantly. “Why the heavy defence of such a small port?”

The moose gave a small chuckle, “So we can sink no good ruffians like you.”

“True, but it seems like such a large amount of protection for a relatively unimportant port.”

The moose remained silent until we reached the courthouse then replied as the doors opened.

“Have you ever heard of the Orange Tempest?” He looked back at us with searching eyes.

I shook my head but both pirates nodded.

“They say the Orange Tempest is the luckiest bein’ in the world,” Squibles stated in a hushed tone. “An orange pony able of overcomin’ all obstacle no matter the size due to luck alone.”
The moose nodded. “Him and his six female servants were the terror of the sea for a while until they disappeared like ghost after a bloody naval battle against him and his dolphin allies.”

“An orange pony?” My mind suddenly jumped to one possible pony that could match that description

“We hope to someday bring him to justice!” The moose looked longingly at the ceiling as if admiring some future moment.

“What if I told you that I knew where the pony that you call the Orange Tempest lives?”

The group stopped and I bumped into the back of the moose.

“Are you saying that you know the Orange Tempest?” he asked, I could tell that he didn’t believe me at all.

“A trade of information for my freedom?”

The moose pondered my offer for a moment. “Depends if you can convince the moose court that you actually do know the Orange Tempest.”

He pushed open the door and we entered the courtroom. I was slightly surprised at the simple layout of the room. Three chairs had been set before a table with what appeared to be five moose nobles seated behind it.

“Sit,” the oldest looking one ordered.

We did and they stared at us for what felt like a good thirty minutes. Other than the nervous coughs from Squibles or the angry growls from Captain Cannonball whenever I looked at hi, the room was silent. I was starting to think that this was a tactic of theirs intent on messing with our nerves but all I felt was a rush of sleepiness overtaking my mind. I was just about to start drooling when the one that told us to sit finally spoke.

“Because you are all pirates,” he said in a long drawn out tone. “Your punishment is already set forth under article five of naval protocol. You will now be taken to the harbor, caged and drowned in the sea.”

“Wow-wow-wow, am I not able to defend myself?” I tried not to panic.

“No.” The moose nobles stood and started to walk out of the room “Try breathing in the water, it might make it go faster.”

“But I know who the Orange Tempest is!”

They stopped and faced me. “Who is he then?”

“He is a guy, a stallion, in Ponyville that goes by the name of Valiant,” I said this very quickly trying to get as much in as I could. “He lives with this crazy purple unicorn and her pet dragon. You could probably send some assassins to slit his throat while he sleeps or something.”

“Thank you for this information,” another noble said.

I smiled widely.

“Mooflekin,” the noble motioned towards the officer who brought us there. “Take these three to their reward.”

I was excited, and sort of disbelieving that I had gotten out of trouble so easily. That was until I realised my reward was nothing more than my original punishment. Being drowned in a cage is not something that seems very appealing and I started to look for more drastic means of escape as we were marched to the docks.

Now, being a human a majority of your life and suddenly becoming something with different and unforeseeable traits can make someone forget about those newly acquired abilities. take wings for example, I was kicking myself in the ass the whole time while being imprisoned for not using them to escape as the ship was being sunk in the first place. The knowledge of another ability came to me suddenly as I was thrown into the cage and tossed into the sea.

I didn’t have that much of an opportunity to dwell on it at that moment, but it turns out pegasi can hold their breath for a very long time. I think it has something to do with flying in thin air at high altitudes, but it does come in handy when you are being drowned.

The cages we had been put into were designed to unhinge when they hit the seafloor so they wouldn’t have to pull our bodies back up. When we reached the bottom I was surprised that I wasn't feeling light headed yet, so I took this opportunity to save my sorry ass and the two pirates. It’s amazing what feats one can do when faced with a life or death situation and pulling both of the heavy and unconscious bodies of a minotaur and a griffin was no easy task.

It’s a good thing I was taught CPR.

FMLF

You would think being saved from drowning would be enough to heal the hurts caused by a previous mistake. Apparently that was not so with Captain Cannonball. The moment the minotaur regained consciousness he wrapped his hands around my neck and proceeded to choke the living daylights out of me. When darkness finally started to overtake my mind I decided to stop struggling and give up on life. But he suddenly let go and walked away with Squibles, probably thinking that I was dead.

When my strength and mental functionality returned completely half an hour later, I stood and made my way into the countryside. As I walked I remembered the museum that I wanted to visit after our planned raid and I diverted in the presumed direction of the town where it was located.

The Moose Kingdom, Empire or whatever they called themselves was quite a beautiful place. It reminded me of Canada. But it was hard to enjoy the sights when my stomach was on empty. At the time I had not realised this but there was plenty for me to eat. I was a pony after all, but had yet to start thinking like one. So I started looking for berries or other fruit that would sustain me as I continued on my quest. As I moved into the denser forest I found what I was looking for when I passed a small creek.

Now, I could tell that the berries that I had discovered had the possibility to be poisonous. So I did what a survival expert told me to do back when I was a human. I popped on of the berries into my mouth, didn’t chew and spit it back out. I waited for a reaction but nothing happened. I then chewed on another berry and again spit it out. Other than having a strong nutty flavor, I couldn't feel any allergic reactions happening in my mouth.

So then I ate a few, and quickly passed out.

I awoke to voices talking about some stupid pony that ate sleeping berries and after a while my mind released that their conversation was about me.

“Er dird’nt nah hay er swerping berrers,” I said groggily and still unable to focus my mind.

“Oh good,” one of the voices said. “Recruit number 151 is awake finally.”

My eyes opened and I found myself on the dirt floor in a tent with a zebra and a moose looking down at me. Near the entrance stood a kangaroo with a machete.

“Who are you guys?” I managed through my dry throat.

“Silence 151,” The moose hissed. “If you need to know, we are the FMLF! The Free Moose Liberation Front and you have been recruited to fight alongside us.”

I blinked slowly. “I didn’t sign up for this, bro.”

“We recruited you!” He bellowed. “Now cease with your gabbering!”

“And if you are the moose Liberation Front,” I continued. “Why are you the only moose I see? Or are there more outside?”

“Uh, we are largely a mercenary group.” The moose shook his head violently, trying to get his mind back on track and away from my distractions. “Shut up and let me speak!”

“Why are you guys fighting anyway?” I sat up. “If you rely mostly on mercenary help then you must not have much support from the population.”

“Why are you still talking!”

“I see that you are wearing a lot of jewelry.” My hoof flicked a solid gold necklace on his chest and he growled. “You are also able to afford the mercenaries and they, most likely, aren't cheap.”

“Do you even know how to shut up?”

I smiled and continued with my point. “That shows me that you have a large amount of money and since the citizens of Moose Land or, whatever this place is called-”

“I am going to tape your mouth shut any second now.”

“-are behind you, I believe you are a noble trying to gain power for yourself.”

They stared at me probably hoping that I was done talking.

“Am I right?” I asked in an innocent tone.

Eventually the moose spoke. “Lieutenant Zorzo and Corporal Bounder, take 151 to his tent and prepare him to be cannon fodder for the next battle.”

“Not if you can’t catch me!” I darted out of the tent, intending to finally use my pegasi abilities and fly away from a problem. I spread my wings, leaped to the sky... and fell flat on my face.

“The hell!” I screamed, spitting dirt.

“We clipped your feathers,” said an Australian accent from behind me. I guessed it was the Kangaroo named Bounder. He lifted me to my hooves and pushed me towards a group of tents. “Don’t worry mate, they’ll grow back in a few weeks or so. Though, you might be belly up by then.”

“Belly up? I ain’t a fish dude!”

We entered a tent with only one inhabitant. A buffalo with war paint and feathers adorning his fur.

“New tent companion, good day this is,” the buffalo said.

“Hah, I can't believe how funny this is,” I laughed. “Moose Canadians, Kangaroo Australians and Buffalo Native Americans! Damn, God has a sense of humor!”

They looked at me with confused faces before the kangaroo left, shaking his head. The buffalo waited before he was gone then spoke.

“What is your fighting style?”

“Uh, well, when I still had hands it would probably be using a gun or a sword. Or I could tell you that I was trained by Bruce Lee and I knew how to kill a person with my pinkie.” The buffalo raised an eyebrow as I continued. “But now that I have hooves... kicking stuff?”

We looked at each other, unsure how to continue the conversation and I honestly didn’t want to.

“Well, I am going to walk around camp if that’s okay with you my friend.” Without waiting for a response I left.

The camp was tiny, and not compared to a military's but tiny compared to a boy scout camping trip. I counted five tents
and a few of them were empty. I found a gryphon cooking outside of a tent and I ambled up to him.

“What is up?” I asked looking at the assortment of food.

“Nothing,” he replied harshly in what I believed was a French accent. “What do you want? Meal time is not for another hour!”

“Oh I’m not hungry, I just want to ask a few questions if that is okay.”

He looked at me with an expression that said, “No, it is not okay. Go away.” I continued anyway.

“So, this is quite a small army. How large is it exactly?”

“Why don’t you go count,” he replied flatly.

I was about to press the question when the moose leader, I still didn’t know his name and nor did I care, emerged from his tent and called for the entire army to listen to his announcement.

“My soldiers,” he began. “I have learned that the capitol has been left largely unguarded! Tomorrow, it has been decided, we will attack and liberate this nation!”

He then went on to explain his plan, tell us that we are brave freedom fighters and that we will be glorious under his command tomorrow. I didn’t really listen to most of it. I was too busy counting the strength of this army.

The moose leader noticed me and ground his teeth, “151, what are you doing?”

“Hmm? I’m counting.” I finished and looked at him. “You call my 151 but you only have 24 troops. Why?”

He glared at me before returning to his tent. I frowned and looked at my buffalo tent mate.

“Want to escape tonight?” I asked.

“I thought you would never ask,” he replied with a smile.

Out of the Frying Pan and Into Another Frying Pan

Out of the Frying Pan and Into Another Frying Pan

Sneaking past the single zebra guarding the camp was easy. Especially since the zebra was trying to escape too. In fact, the whole camp was escaping that night. Apparently they were only in it for the money and when a battle was about to start they high tailed it out of there to go find some other rich guy waging a war so they could do the same to him. I just wanted my life.

I got pretty far into a nearby woods before deciding that it wasn't necessary for me to run anymore. The forest reminded me of the ones in Canada. More and more things were revealing themselves to be some strange reference to Earth or maybe it was the other way around. But I didn't feel like dwelling over the similarities at that moment. My mind was actually wandering to Rainbow Dash for some strange reason. It could have been the fact that she was my, what did they call it here, special somepony. Or maybe I wanted somebody to talk to about this crappy adventure I was in. But my mind was not in the moment at all.

So I probably deserved falling into a river and hitting my head on a rock.

When I woke I was immediately worried about the mental problems that could arise with being knocked unconscious multiple times in a row. I then noticed the campfire next me with my buffalo camp-mate sitting next to it. He noticed that I was awake and he waddled over to me.

“Found you floating in river,” he said slowly. “I thought your were dead, but no. You have been asleep for five days. Tell me, you escaped, why did you try to kill yourself?”

“I didn't.” I sat up and tried tied to ignore the throbbing pain in my head. “Where are we?”

“Nearing the border between the Moose Kingdom and Equestria. I am making my way to our homeland though I had to carry you the entire time.”

“Oh, well thanks.”

“No problem pony.”

We talked for most of the night. I learned that his name was White Horn and that he was born in a tribe that lived near the border of Equestria. He left home to gain glory for himself and his tribe but failed. I decided that this was probably a good thing because I needed to return to Ponyville and actually prepare myself for the adventure this time. Especially a weapon.

The morning came quickly and we headed toward a distant change in landscape. We were walking through a high mountain area with sparse pines but in the distance I could see what appeared to be a savanna with a desert even further behind it. It took us roughly three days to reach the ever-warming lowlands.

“I don’t tolerate heat very well,” I said as we paused under a thin tree with wide shady branches. The only tree for miles in any direction. “It was a health problem I had back when I was human and I think it carried on to my pony life.”

“If you die then the vultures will be happy at least,” he said without any hint of emotion. “I forget that ponies don’t last as long without water and if you have health problems then you will probably die in the next few days. Because it’s only going to get worse.”

“I like how you are so concerned for my welfare,” I deadpanned.

“I don’t want to see you die,” White Horn said with more emotion mixed in. “But if you do then you do.”

“Fair enough."

I ceased to find it fair though as we entered the desert itself. Funny how that happens. You feel one emotion about something before it starts but when you are actually in the moment you feel wronged. I also believed that I wouldn't be stupid enough to think mirages were puddles of water, but that also proved wrong.

After stopping me from drinking sand a few times, White Horn dragged me to an outcropping of rocks and we rested in the small amount of shade it had to offer. I started to ramble in my dehydrated delusions.

“I feel like Rommel during the last months of the African campaign!” I threw my hooves into the air and stared at the blinding blue sky. “Minus the tanks and-and stuff. To hell with Hitler! I wonder if Hitler liked slushies? I like slushies, the cherry-cola ones. Could use one now. Do you like slushies?”

White Horn looked at me quizzically but said nothing.

“God. Damn. Red. Bull. Can!” I continued. “That thing is responsible for all of this. I knew I should have drank water instead. No more energy drinks for me! Oh Rainbow, save me! Why am I talking? Talking dehydrates you faster! Ahhh, I’m speeding up my death! I really need to stop talking! This is such a sad moment. I will never see Rainbow Dash again! Gah! White Horn help me, I can't stop talking!”

The buffalo obliged my request and knocked me unconscious with a quick slap of a hoof to my face.

The rest of the trek through the desert was a blur for me. White Horn didn't abandon me to die like I thought he would but continued to carry my slowly dying body. I knew we were out of the desert when he threw me into a small pond, instantly reviving me to a measure.

“Drink,” he said. “But don’t drink too much or you will die.”

“Did you know that one of the guys who named Death Valley died from drinking too much water after passing through it?” I don’t know why I chose spouting facts over water but whatever.

The first thing I noticed after I drank a safe amount of water was the large assortment of buffalo around me. Some watched me with curious expressions but most of them gave me no heed.

“I see you finally brought something of use back to the tribe White Horn.”

I turned and saw a large buffalo that I guessed was the chief due to the large head dress he wore. I didn’t like the way he looked at me. It was as if he was observing an object instead of a person.

I quickly realized why when two buffalo grabbed me, tied me up and carried me away.

“Hey, what the hell is going on?” I demanded. “Yo, White Horn! The hell bro?”

“Sorry Guinness,” he replied sincerely. “But you will bring our poor tribe much wealth being sold as a slave when the caravans comes through again.”

I was too dumbfounded to speak as they threw me into a caged pit. I landed with a thump and looked around my prison. It was inhabited by one other being, a mare who looked extremely familiar. She stared at me with amusement and then I realized why I thought I had seen her before. The mare looked just like a tan Rainbow Dash with a monotone mane and wore what I would describe as a British safari outfit.

She leaned closer to me and chuckled. “If you help me escape I will make you a prominent character in my next book. Deal?”

I stuck out my hoof in acceptance and she shook it. “Deal.”

I instantly trusted her. Any pony that looked like Rainbow Dash and wore a safari outfit was sure to be brave and dependable.

I hate being wrong.

In a Box With a Crazy Pony

“Okay, so this is the plan.” My prison-mate suddenly said.

I looked over at her. The mare had insisted that I called her Grey because she didn’t like ponies she met on the road learning her real name. I wasn’t one of her readers but I didn't say anything. Grey had been silent for most of the day, deep in thought about her book and our escape plan. She had insisted that I left the planning to her, so I did. The pony was wearing a safari outfit for Pete’s sake! She looked legit.

Grey continued. “You use your strength and beat open this cage, overwhelm our guards and allow me to slip away.” She smiled widely, proud of her plan. “How does that sound?”

“Uh...Haha!” I believed she was joking. “What’s the real plan?”

“That was pretty much the real plan.”

“Oh.” I shook my head. Seriously, that was her idea? Good thing I had still formed a plan of my own. “Here is my idea.”

“I don’t want to hear it.” Grey turned away from me and pouted in the corner. “You didn’t like my plan so I won’t like yours. I have been in tighter situations before and I don't need you telling me if my plans are bad.”

My mouth dropped open. All respect I had for this mare disappeared. Though that respect was formed off of her looking sort of like Rainbow Dash and wearing a safari outfit. So there was some blame in me for putting so much expectation on her. But still, she wanted me to do all the work and we weren't even dating! So I set my own plan in motion without her.

It was too bad that the caravan arrived the next morning to take us away. The tunnel I was working on was coming along nicely although it was hard to work when Grey kept criticising my effort.

We were carried into the sunlight and set before a camel who looked at us critically. After poking us for a bit he turned to the buffalo chief.

“I will give you twenty high quality items for these two.” He circled us. “But I have to ask, are these two a breeding pair?”

“Now hold on!” I stood up and looked the camel in the eye. “I am not going to cheat on my girlfriend just because some desert-donkey thinks he owns me! If you think that you are going to lock me in a room with her and expect us to get it on and make you more slaves like some farm horse then I have some news for you! Kiss my beer logo ass! Come at me bro!”

A quick hoof to the face shut my mouth and knocked me unconscious.

“You are so brave,” Grey squealed as I woke up. “You are definitely getting in my book!”

“Cool,” I replied flatly. I wished that the annoying mare would move back to her side of the cage. “We just need to escape first.”

Two camels carried the cage we were in. At least twenty others made up the caravan and their wares included everything from rugs to pottery. We were the only other slaves as far as I could tell. Even if we did get free from the cage, how could we get past the camels. I still couldn’t fly due to that stupid revolutionary group, the FMLF!

So naturally I entered a comedic state. “Alright, so I am Russel Crowe and I need to become a warrior legend in the gladiator arena. I will fight for our freedom but instead of dying like he did in the movie, we live and gain our freedom.”

“I thought your name was Guinness?” Grey replied in the most confused voice I have ever heard someone speak in.

“It’s a reference to a movie where I come from.”

“Oh. Sounds like a good plot idea though.” She leaned against the cage and started to think. “I wish I could have thought of that.”

“You can use it,” I piped up. “I don’t think they will mind if you use it. They are very far away and most likely will never visit this place... or this planet.”

“Really?” Grey became ecstatic. “Tell me the story!”

So I spent the rest of the trip describing the movie Gladiator to Grey, along with some others. She liked Indiana Jones the most. Apparently that was the same type of stories that her books were. I would not be surprised if Grey became a media legend after we escaped. She better give me something after going big for giving these stories to her. Forgive me Steven Spielberg!

I was halfway through The Lord of the Rings when we arrived at a city smack dab in the middle of the desert. Several days had passed since we left the buffalo camp. This is how I would describe the location I now found myself in. You know that city in the movie Aladdin, Agrabah? That was what it looked like, palace and everything. Ponies that were the size of Celestia roamed the streets. In fact, I think they were more like horses.

“Amazing!” Grey pressed her face against the bars. “We are in Saddle Arabia!”

“Take them to the palace.” One of the camels ordered.

“And we are going to the palace!” She smiled at me in excitement. “I hope we get to meet the sultan and his wife!”

“I just want to escape.” I rolled my eyes and looked up at the palace. “I wonder what kind of job they will assign us. It better not be anything revolving around large amounts of physical labor.”

“I wonder if they will use us for the purpose that the camel said when he first got us.” Grey smiled at me and I could tell that was something she actually wanted to happen.

I just glared at her and shook my head.

“What, am I not pretty enough for you?” she pouted. Her lips puckered up in a pathetic duck-like way.

“No, you are.” I edged away from her. “I’m already taken though.”

“We might not have a choice.” She bit her lips in anticipation.

“I think I am going to kill myself.”

“You’re mean,” she snapped.

“You’re annoying,” I shot back. “Lets agree to hate each other in peace.”

“But I have never written a romance novel,” she was pouting once again. “First hoof experience could help me.”

“Romance stories usually involve to people, er, ponies in love. I don’t care for you at all.”

“But I love you!” she screamed before covering her mouth with a hoof.

My mouth dropped open and I stared at her. She was now graduated from ‘pain in the ass’ to a ‘crazy person’ in my book. “Girl, I have only known you for a few days and our time spent together has not been the most appealing.”

“But you have so many amazing stories and the way you talk nasty to me turns me on!” She started to move closer to me. “You will learn to love me.”

I quickly grabbed the attention of the nearest camel. “Help! I think I am about to be raped!”

He looked at me for a moment, blinked a few times, then returned his attention back to the road. I faced Grey again and her nose was directly in front of mine.

“Love me,” she whispered.

“No, no no! Go away!” I pressed myself against the side of the cage but still she edged closer.

Thank God we arrived at the palace before anything happened.

A Taste For Show

It was a nice palace, I will give it that. The marble and sandstone walls were quite dazzling. But nothing was as flashy as the horse-thing that approached our cage. He wore a jeweled crown, silks adorned his body and a bright pink and purple scarf hung loosely from his neck. A slick pair of sunglasses covered his eyes.

“Prince Aro Dibala,” one of the camels greeted the horse. “We bring you two more slaves.”

“Oh good!” Aro replied in a high voice. “I need them oh so desperately for act 3!”

To my surprise we were released from our cage. I stared at the prince wondering what he meant by act 3.

“Follow me ponies,” he said. “I have a special position for you!”

I noticed Grey eying me and I glared back at her. There was no way in hell I was going to let her touch me. I would rather die in some arena fighting a lion.

To both of our surprise, Aro Dibila led us to a stage. A wide arrange of creatures, including a few ponies, were practicing their lines.

“This is not what I expected,” Grey said. A hint of disappointment in her voice.

“The slaves usually say that when they arrive,” Aro Dibila chuckled. “I am curious, what did you think would be your fate when you arrived?”

I replied first before Grey could give him any ideas. “I was expecting large gladiatorial battles and manual labor.”

“Oh no-no! That is terrible!” The prince trotted onto the stage and we followed. “We would never do anything like that! I am only interested in creating the most amazing plays and theater productions.”

“Guinness and me are brilliant when it comes to story ideas!” Grey smiled widely. “We could help you.”

“Is that so?” Aro stopped and looked at us critically. “I would love to hear some of your ideas! Follow me to my office.”

His office, it turned out, was just a massive bedroom dedicated to theatre. Though, when you are the son of royalty you can have whatever room you want. He told us to sit at a small table as he retrieved pens and paper from a chest. He handed some to me and Grey.

“I will leave you two alone to work.” He started to leave. “I will be back in a few hours to hear what you have come up with.”

I watched him go and realised that I was now alone with Grey. I looked over at her and the mare was already watching me lustfully.

“You can write a dirty romance skit and I will work on a broadway masterpiece.” I moved to the opposite end of the table. “No talking to me. I need to concentrate.”

In truth there was very little mental energy involved with taking famous movies and plays and twisting them together into the most amazing stories ever made. The only thing I had to overcome was the guilt I felt for desecrating the legends of storytelling. I am going to hell.

When I was done I had created something that would probably bear the title back on Earth, The Pirates of Steampunk Middle Earth Fight the Evil Empire on a Planet Full of Apes While the World Falls Into a Post Apocalyptic State. Here I just called it, The Last Battle of the Star Wanderers. Don’t ask me why I named it that. Sounded cool.

I looked over at Grey. Her paper was still mostly empty and she looked at the page with a sad puppy dog expression. She was so adorable when depressed and not trying to rape me.

“Want to read through and tweak it a bit?” I asked trying to cheer her up.

It worked. Grey’s face lit up like the Fourth of July. “Oh yes I would love to!”

I gave her the papers and she skimmed through them, occasionally changing something but mostly too enthralled to stop reading my masterpiece. Eventually she set it down and stared at me.

“That was amazing!” The look in her eyes disturbed me. “I am so hot for you right now.”

The door swung open, thank God, and Aro Dibila entered.

“I am excited to see what you two have created.” Grey gave him the papers. The Prince immediately started to read through it.

I watched his face grow more and more excited as he got deeper and deeper into the plot. He finished and stared at the two of us, speechless.

“What did you think?” I asked.

“This is the most amazing story ever!” He hugged the script close to his chest like a newfound treasure.

“I wrote it,” Grey chimed up. I snapped my attention to her. “He just sat there and scribbled.”

“Lies!” I dove across the table and pinned her against a wall. She just smiled at me. “I wrote it! Me!”

She said nothing but tried to lick my nose affectionately. I jumped back and glared at her.

“Girl, you are crazy!”

“Aww,” Aro coed. “You two are a cute couple! Is the romance scene in the play based off of your own tumultuous love?”

“Romance scene?” I looked at the play then back at Grey. “What romance scene? You added a romance scene? Romance scene!”

“Yep!” She smiled widely.

“Why!”

“I think it is wonderful,” the prince was reading through it once again. “It adds depth to the story. I also think both of you would fill the main character and his lover perfectly.”

“Sounds great,” Grey beamed.

I was lost for words, but I could tell that this was probably not going to end well. For me at least.

A month later, the show was sold out and the hall packed to the top with zebras, camels, ponies and giraffes. The Sultan and his wife had showed up as well to see their son’s play. A whole month of practicing my lines now meant nothing as a knot formed in my gut. Even though all I was allowed to do the entire time was practice and talk to Grey about Earth’s movies and plays.

The show went on without a hitch; a wonder that would rival Andrew Lloyd Webber’s finest works was presented in all of its splendor. Then it came to the part that Grey had added in. I was so happy that the final revision for the scene was just me holding her and lightly kissing her while confessing my love and promising that I would return to her. The crazy girl undoubtedly enjoyed the whole thing.

The show ended with me fighting the main villain, killing him, saving Grey’s character but dying heroically in her embrace. When the curtain closed the audience rose and gave us a standing ovation. It was beautiful, if I do say so myself.

Apparently the play was an attempt from Prince Aro to impress his ever scolding father. Parent problems, especially royal ones, are always hard to mend. It worked and he couldn’t stop thanking me and Grey for helping him achieve it. I was starting to feel all warm and fuzzy inside. But after the show as I sat alone in my room, quite a nice one for a slave by the way, the warm fuzzy feeling suddenly was overcome by a burning sensation next to me.

“Good show, Guinness!” A familiar, flamboyant voice chimed up. “Did not label you as the thespian type though.”

I spun around and was shocked to see Sir Win sitting on my bed. The fire haired demon that followed me, Nova and Valiant out of Tartarus was on my list of ponies I did not really care for. He gave us a little trouble back when the three of us had our adventure into Tartarus but ponies liked him now.

“Uh,” I didn’t know what to say. He was a little too close for comfort. “Hi.”

“Hi,” he replied. “I can read your mind. No, I am not a succubus, so don’t get all paranoid. Though, the male succubus position was open for a while. Sounds a little tempting now that I think of it. Too bad I was forced to resign.”

“Why are you here?” I wanted to change the topic as quickly as I could.

“Why are you here?” the demon shot back. “I thought you were looking for some wonderful, shiny can or something?”

“I became a slave to theatre, in the literal sense. Now answer my question please.”

“I am a slave to theatre in a figurative sense, honey.” He smiled widely. “ Does that answer your question?”

I nodded. “So, could you help me escape?”

“Why would you want to escape?” Sir Win stood up and approached me. “You are living quite a nice life here.”

“Not really,” I rose from my seat and casually moved away from the flaming pony. “After that success they are making me into the full time playwright. And I have to work with Grey the whole time! Save me!”

“I am not very good at ‘saving’ ponies,” Sir Win laughed. “If you know what I mean.”

I stared blankly at him. “Classic demon joke. Haha. But seriously, get me out of here.”

“Fine,” he rolled his eyes. “But you will owe me something and I will get it.”

I gulped, “my soul?”

“Oh Tartarus no!” The demon shook his head violently. “I’ve just been sticking to the ones I find lying around. Do you know the trouble I would get in if I made a deal for a soul with my demon license revoked?”

“A lot?”

“That is a severe understatement! I would be hoofed over to the Punishers, chained to a post, whipped with leather whips... you know what? That doesn’t sound too bad.”

I shook my head slowly, disturbed. “So can we go now?”

Sir Win seemed upset that I had disrupted his thought about being whipped. “Oh, I guess. What about that mare you’re writing the plays with? Are you going to leave that poor girl alone here?”

“Hell yeah!” I laughed. “Plus, I told her many of my, uh, ideas. So she will be good on plot lines for a while.”

“Sounds good then.” Sir Win popped his neck. “Lets do this.”

Before I could react, he lunged at me, wrapped his hooves around my neck and pulled me into a fiery pit that opened up beneath us.

I screamed the entire way down.

Returning Home, For Now

My eyes cracked open to the image of Sir Win staring down at me. I lay on my back and above us large trees loomed.

“I guess I should have warned you before dragging you through the Tartarus Pass,” the demon pony laughed. “Though, you screamed so much! I don’t think you breathed in even once. No wonder you passed out!”

“Where are we?” I stood and dusted myself off and then looked around.

“The Everfree Forest, about three miles from Ponyville,” the demon replied.

“Why didn’t you take me directly to the town?”

Sir Win looked at me with an expression that stated that I had asked a stupid question. “Opening a portal to Hell is not something you do in the middle of a town, silly.”

I huffed then looked around again, trying to get my bearings. “Which direction should I go?”

“That way.” Sir Win pointed his hoof towards the setting sun. “You might run into Zecora's hut. Well, I need to go now, need to make a wedding cake. Have fun!”

“Wait what about-” But the demon disappeared in a column of fire. I was going to ask him about the different types of dangerous animals that inhabited the Everfree. Since I still couldn’t fly I was far more uneasy with trekking the woods in the growing darkness. Also, I didn’t know who this Zecora was.

I started off in the direction of Ponyville. I jogged quickly but quietly through the trees until I noticed a light off to my right. Deciding that it would be better to stay somewhere inhabited instead of wandering around in the dark I made my way towards the source. It turned out to be a small hut decorated in what seemed to be tribal art.

“Do cannibals live in these woods?” I asked myself absentmindedly.

I decided that it would probably be safer to bypass the house and continue on my way. Apparently I got turned around in the darkness and ended up going in the opposite direction of Ponyville. Not wanting to walk any further and increase my level of lost, I found what appeared to be a ruin and made myself comfortable. Well, as comfortable as you can be on a stone floor in the middle of a crumbling castle.

Before I fell asleep I took a moment to ponder the direction my life has taken. The more I thought about it the more ridiculous it all was. I was a pony, having a relationship with a pony, in a world full of ponies, all the while searching for a can of Red Bull. What the hell, fate! You tripping on LSD or something? Oh well, when I found the can I was getting the hell out of here.

Or, maybe not. I had never really considered a life here. It’s not like life here was bad. It was actually quite nice. Even better than Earth... a lot better than Earth! I had a girlfriend here! Perhaps I wouldn’t leave. Only time would tell.

I awoke the next morning in a surprisingly good mood only to have it ruined by Sir Win. The demon pony sat on a toppled pillar with a crooked smile.

“I was afraid that you got lost,” he said. “I forgot that your wings are clipped. Then again, clipped wings look quite stylish.”

I glared at him, “Could you help me get to Ponyville?”

“Sure I can,” he smiled widely. “But I’m also here to warn you.”

My eyebrows raised questioningly as the demon continued.

“Valiant has been having problems recently with a pair of ponies that are called the Black Twins. Right now their attention is on Valiant but don’t expect a quiet stay in Ponyville.”

“Noted,” I replied.

“Good,” he stood up a stretched. “Now to fix your wings.”

The flaming pony waved his hoof and my wings burst into flames. I think I popped a lung screaming. Now you might be saying, “But it was magical fire, it shouldn't have hurt.” It was real hellfire! It burned worse than a good “yo mama” joke!
Thankfully the flames died away and my wings were unharmed. Not only that, they were restored to their original glory! Perhaps Sir Win wasn’t as bad as I thought. He was still a severe pain, but a helpful one.

“The only payment I want from you is when you arrive in town that you go and admire the glorious wedding decorations I have been putting up.” Sir Win smiled triumphantly.

I nodded in agreement, “Sounds fair.”

“Well, I need to get back.” He gave my a little farewell wave. “Bye bye.”

Once again Sir Win disappeared into a ball of fire and I was left alone. I decided to test my wings out and leaped into the air. The forest stretched out for several miles in all directions but I could see barely Ponyville to the West. So, I headed towards it.

Flying was so much easier than walking. I felt a little sorry for Valiant. He was still stuck with the curse of being grounded. I was by far the luckier one, though, Nova could use magic so he got the biggest bonus. I wondered what happened to Nova as I soared over the trees. Maybe he had made it back to our universe or perhaps he was dead. I would be okay with the second option.

My arrival into Ponyville was unspectacular. I spent my first minutes there searching for Rainbow Dash but Twilight told me that she was busy. Speaking of Twilight, when I walked into her house she hit me in the face with a book. Obviously still angry about the time when me, Valiant and Nova opened the gates of Tartarus. I didn’t stick around after I asked my question and headed to the wedding area.

Sir Win’s decorations were quite nice. But my admiration was cut short when a pony came up behind me and put me in a choke hold.

“What are you doing here, asshole? I thought you were on a quest.” The familiar voice of Valiant hissed.

I gasped for air. I wanted to give him some smart reply but his earth pony strength was overpowering and I didn’t want him to have an excuse to crack a few of my bones. Though, I don't think he needed an excuse.

“I just getting some supplies and visiting Dashie.”

I needed to find a way to calm him down, perhaps flattery.

“What kind of supplies?” He shot back. Why did he need to know? Mr. Nosey!

“Well, food and stuff.” An idea hit me, Valiant was good at making things. I would ask him for a weapon. A guy with such a large ego couldn't resist showing off his skills and I would get a way to defend myself out of it. “I also wanted to ask you a favor. I need some kind of weapon.”

He let me go. “What did you have in mind?”

I didn’t believe how well that worked. “I have been fighting pirates, bandits, criminals, and other assorted bad guys. Make it something big.”

Valiant thought for a moment. “Well, I was considering possible ways to kill a couple of ponies. A broadsword sounded like a good way to accomplish that. I suppose I could make another one for you.”

This was working out better than I had hoped. “Really?”

“There is a catch, though.” Valiant continued. Of course there would be a catch. “You have to go to Pinkie and Fluttershy’s wedding.”

I had no urge to do that but it could have been worse. “That doesn’t sound so-”

Valiant interrupted me. “And you have to help me kidnap Applejacks cousin, Braeburn.”

The robot guy that could break my spine with a single hoof? I didn’t think that was a good idea. But oh well, I was getting a broadsword. I shrugged. “It can not be any worse than what I agreed to do the last time I was in town.”

I prepared to ask him my second question.

“Speaking of bad things,” Valiant said before I could ask. “I have no idea where to find Rainbow.”

I glared at him. “How did you know I was going to ask?”

“Well, considering your track record, every time the two of you get close, sex tends to happen.”

“I like her!” I didn’t know why he always brought that up. It wasn’t my fault that he couldn’t hold onto a girlfriend.

Valiant shook his head. “Just don’t be surprised if the sword slips and castrates you.”

Before I could give some form of retort he turned and walked away. I really hated him. But I could dwell on my anger later because I needed to find Dash.

A Not so Quiet Break

Have you seen in the movies where the hero comes home and his girlfriend takes him into her arms and a whole scene where they are kissing, hugging and swinging around in a meadow before quickly turning into something a little less PG and more R? Yeah, my return to Rainbow was nothing like that. Sorry to get your hopes up. There was no meadow or swinging though there was some kissing and hugging. But to my disappointment, no rated R cutscenes. If you know what I mean. The farthest it got was some hardcore snuggling. But, I’m not going to complain.

The reason why I’m not going to complain is due to the fact that latter in the day I had to help Scumbag McGee, A.K.A. Valiant, kidnap Applejack’s cousin Braeburn. I wanted to enjoy the good parts of the end of my life before being violently dismantled by an angry cyborg. Oh well, getting a custom built sword out of it is worth it. But barely.

Valiant and I made our way through Sweet Apple Acres and found Braeburn sleeping deeply in the house. I found it odd that he was making no attempt at stealth. To my astonishment and horror, Valiant just rolled him heavily out of the bed and demanded that I carry his legs. Then we simply huffed back to town with our still unconscious ‘victim’.

“Time for science!” Valiant cheered as we entered a building and threw the cyborg onto a table. Sir Win was already there admiring his reflection in a bonesaw. The orange stallion grinned darkly at me. “Do you want to stay and watch? Or are you unable to stomach a little blood?”

Not wanting to be labeled as a coward I stayed... for a short bit. Valiant said “a little blood”. Instead, it was like watching Fargo with Valiant playing the part of the wood chipper. For all I know he was cutting off parts for the hell of it. Whenever I asked what or why he was doing something all he would say was “For science!”

When they started bolting steel plating to bone I left.

I grabbed Dash a present from a store, a limited edition Wonderbolt uniform. I knew she liked them and the clerk said that this was a rare item. It took all the money I had gained and stolen during my adventure so far. When I presented it to Dash she turned into the usual female that likes getting expensive gifts.

“I love it!” she squealed. “Only three-hundred of these were made! Thank you so much! This is so cool!”

Dash admired it for a little longer. I was such a good boyfriend... at least in my opinion.

“I don't think I told you yet,” she stated, still looking at the uniform. “But I applied to the Wonderbolts Academy and I think my odds of getting in are very good.”

“That’s great!” I knew how much this meant to her. She talked about the Wonder Bolts at least once every day. “I hope you get in”

She admired her uniform a little longer before looking up at me with a sly smile. “I think you need a present.”

I knew exactly where this was going. I could tell from the look in her eyes.

“I’ll dress up in my outfit and we’ll test how much ‘acrobatics’ this thing can really take. Hmm?” She edged closer to me. “How does that sound?”

Around this time, R rated events started to transpire.

I was in such a good mood that I broke Valiants #1 rule when entering one of his many workshops: knock. It was a good thing he was busy. Looking back on it I realised that he could have beat the crap out of me due to being indoors and unable to use my pegasi agility and ability to fly. Valiant was an idiot ass-hat, but an idiot ass-hat that knew how to fight.

I could tell that the smile on my face was annoying him, so I did the reasonable thing. I kept smiling.

“So when is that sword going to be ready?” I asked, looking over his shoulder at the red metal. My grandfather was a blacksmith and I could tell that Valiant had no idea what he was doing.

“No idea. First I have to make mine, then I'll kill the Black Twins, then I can start on yours. It would go faster if you’d leave me alone.” He continued to hammer the steel, only pausing to give me a slight irritated look.

I didn’t have time to wait. “Well I-”

He cut me off, holding his hoof up. “Stop. Hammer time.”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. That was something that made knowing Valiant tolerable, even if just barely. A sense of humor and pleasant references to Earth. I could tell though that he didn’t want to be bothered any more and if I continued to press my luck I would find myself with a red hot rod of iron through my face.

I spent the rest of the evening with Rainbow Dash.

I couldn't help but feeling bad for leaving Ponyville. I was leaving without a weapon once again, though I had borrowed a map from Twilight’s library, and Dash was sad to see me go so soon. I gave her one last hug and kiss before jumping into the air. The moment I had left the ground though I felt better. I had always loved the perks of being a pegasus. So much better than being a human. It was too bad that the world depended on me finding the can... or at least that was what they told me. The details had not been expressed to me very effectively.

I was making my way to the skies over the Everfree, wondering to myself if I should stay in town a little bit longer, when a sword came hurtling towards me and over my head. I looked down to see where it came from and the sight of Valiant about to have the shit beat out of him met my eyes. The two Black Twins that Sir Win told me about loomed over him and I couldn't help but feel some satisfaction that Valiant was going to get some sort of karma for how much of an ass he was.

“Screw you, Valiant,” I chuckled to myself. “I ain’t sticking around. Have fun.”

I continued on my way before turning towards the frozen north. I still had no idea what I was doing.

Don’t Forget to Wear a Coat

I remember somebody back in Ponyville saying that pegasi had better tolerance to cold due to them flying at high altitude. Also, when I was a human I liked the winter; one of my favorite seasons. But none of this really matters when you fly headlong into a blizzard.

I slipped out of the sky, gasping for breath the entire time, and crash landed in a snow drift. It took a great deal of energy to dig myself out. I don’t really remember much after that other than feeling really cold, not being able to see anything before eventually passing out.

My eyes cracked open and I immediately groaned quietly. “I going to loose all my braincells If I continue to go unconscious like this.”

“Oh goody! You’re awake,” a pleasant grandmotherly voice chimed.

I finally started to realise where I was. I looked around the one room log cabin. A fire roared in the hearth as a cauldron cooked a tasty smelling soup. An elderly mare wearing a wide bonnet sat next to the hearth, smiling at me. I was laying on a pile of hay in the corner.

“What was a sweet one like you doin’ so far out in the snowy wastes?” she asked.

“I was on an adventure of a sorts,” I replied.

I tried to stretch my legs but to my horror they wouldn't move. At first I believed they were too cold and frozen stiff but when I finally looked at them they were tied up in ropes.

“Wait, why am I tied up?”

The mare chuckled pleasantly. “Oh, don’t concern yourself with that, my little scrumptious. Just relax and have something to eat. I have a wide assortment of nice goodies and sweets that you can munch on. Eat up, eat up.”

I stared flatly at her. “There is a book where I come from called ‘Hansel and Gretel’. A witch tries to fatten two kids up and then tries to eat them. This is strangely reminiscent of that.”

“Oh, that’s so silly.” She went back to stirring her soup but I could tell that she was now uneasy. “You young'uns have such an imagination.”

“Why am I tied up then?”

“You toss and turn in your sleep, my dear,” she shot back at me with a quickly hardening tone.

“Right...” I tried to get free of the ropes but they were tied tightly. Far too tightly if all they were intended for was to keep me from tossing in my sleep. “Well, thank you for helping me out of the snow but I’m awake now and would like to continue on my way.”

She smiled at me like a creepy mother smiling at a child. “Oh sweetie, it is night outside and beasts wander the wilds.”

My face scrunched up in contemplation. “Well, can I at least be untied now?”

She shrugged and a faint glow emanated from under her hat and the ropes fell away.

‘Crap, she’s a unicorn, this is going to be harder than I thought.’ I said mentally.

My experiences with unicorns had been mostly negative. Primarily my experiences with an individual named Nova. I didn’t know if I hated him or Valiant more. At least Nova left without any intention of coming back.

This was probably another reason why I was liking the idea of returning to Earth less and less. I was stuck with only one human, excluding Nova, and hating it. I was not excited about returning to a place comprised of billions of them.

I stretched freely now and made my way to a chair where my bag full of supplies hung. She shot a slightly threatening glance at me.

I raised my hoof in a passive defence. “I’m just taking a seat.”

She nodded slowly and went back to cooking. I sat uncomfortably for a long period of time, knowing that any attempt by me to escape would be met by the instantaneous reprisal of magic. Damn unicorns.

So, I decided to fall back on small talk.

“What is someone like you doing out here, living all alone?”

The mare chuckled, “Oh, I’m not alone. I have you and all the others that come visit me.”

“You get visitors?”

She went quiet and looked up at the mantelpiece. That was when I noticed a picture above the fire.

“Not for a while I haven't,” she replied sadly.

“Whose picture is that?”

She magically lifted the photo and handed it to me. A green mare, blue stallion, a small colt and azure filly met my eyes. Each one wore a cape and magician hat.

“This is my daughter, her husband and my granddaughter. They use to visit me as they traveled around Equestria doing their magic acts.” She sighed. “But they haven't visited me in so long.”

“How long ago did they stop visiting you?” I returned the photo to her.

She placed the picture back onto the mantel. “It’s been years. Little Trixie, my granddaughter, is probably all grown up by now. I just don’t know what happened to them. I hope they are alright.”

The name Trixie rang a few bells in my head, perhaps I had heard it mentioned in Ponyville. But now I had an idea for a bargaining chip to use for my escape.

“Since I’m already on an adventure perhaps I can search for them too?”

The mare’s face lit up. “Would you do that? Oh thank you!”

“It’s no problem.”

“I am so happy that I saved you!” The mare filled a bowl full of soup and gave it to me. “But it looks like another storm is rolling in so I don’t think you will be leaving anytime soon.”

I was still stuck there for five more days due to the storm. At least it didn’t feel like she was going to cook me.

I left her house through the chimney due to the snow blocking the doorway. I barely fit because the mare had been feeding me non stop the entire time. Did I believe I would find Trixie? No. But far crazier things had happened. She had packed enough food to last me a week and I couldn’t help but feel sorry for mistrusting such a nice, yet still creepy, mare.

Despite the storm being over, the wind was still too strong for me to fly. I waded through the deep snow that was ear high at its shallowest. It was more like digging a tunnel. I couldn’t see where I was going so I couldn't prepare myself for when I tumbled over a cliff into a deep canyon. I was halfway to the bottom when I finally levelled myself and spread my wings. To my shock the weight of my supplies and food continued to drag me down. My wings became nothing more than parachutes as I tried desperately to slow myself. It was a good thing that there was a large snow drift to break my fall.

My outstretched wings, on the other hand, weren't so lucky. I felt one pop out of place and I pulled a muscle in the other. The long string of swear words that followed would have been enough to summon the devil.

What was summoned was equally terrifying and more fluffy. At first it looked like the wampa from Star Wars was slowly approaching. But as it got closer I quickly realised that it was a massive, white bear. Now you might be thinking, why didn’t I just say polar bear? Well, this thing was white like a polar bear but it looked more like a grizzly bear. If you’ve seen pictures of bears, their anatomy is slightly different.

I might have been in severe pain but my legs were still fine so I jumped up and ran. Back on Earth they say you should never run from a bear. They will always catch you. But I was a quadruped now so I was betting on the hope that I was faster than my old human self. I was faster than a human but to my dismay, still slower than a bear. I looked behind me to see if he was following and my face was met by a hard impact from his paw.

Once again I fell into unconsciousness. The last thought that went through my head was a quick farewell to my remaining brain cells.

Author's Note

Sorry I haven't posted anything in a long time. Hopefully that will change.

Spin Me Right Round

I have a fear of bears. I honestly do. One of the only reasons I don’t want to move to a place far in the woods is because of them. Anything that could rip down my front door to get to the tasty human inside freaked me out. Not to mention a bear’s roar and growl were, in my opinion, one of the scariest. Yes, I know I can be a wimp. So what?

So now here I was, laying on a pile of bones mere yards away from a massive sleeping bear. I had mentally named him Mr. Fluffy to make light of the situation and to prevent myself from going into shock. My wings were still in pain and they were not helped by the cold.

When I had awoke I first waited for my headache to dissipate then I looked over at the bear to make sure it really was asleep. When I was satisfied that it was indeed unconscious I tried to slip away. Then I realised why I had been placed on top of a bone pile. A skull and two ribs tumbled as I tried to stand creating a grim avalanche.

I held my breath and watched the bear stir and look over at me with sleepy eyes.

“Hey there,” I whispered as if talking to a housecat. “Just go back to sleep, Fluffy, and have nice dreams of deer meat and berries. Okay?”

It continued to stare at me but I could tell that the drowsiness was wearing away. I quickly decided that now would probably be a better time for running instead of talking.

No sooner had I leaped out of the cave and into the canyon when a heart freezing roar echoed behind me.

“Shit!” I looked up at the sky above me and wished desperately that my wings were not injured.

I tried momentarily to spread them and fly to safety but a bolt of pain shot down my back. There was another roar behind me but it sounded further back. I dared not look back, fearing that he would be right on my tail.

“Damn you, Valiant!” If that ass had hurried up and gotten me a weapon I would’ve been able to fight the beast (with limited success of course) and prevent myself from looking like a coward.

After running for a several minutes longer, and hearing no more of the bear chasing me, I allowed myself to relax. My run became a quick canter and I risked a look back and was glad to see nothing behind me. As I was turning my head back around a hot breath landed on my cheek.

The bear loomed up before me and I couldn’t believe my luck. The canyon had gone in a circle and led directly back to the bear’s cave where he had patiently sat, waiting for me to return just in time for dinner.

“Why!” I screamed as I ducked a swipe from a paw and started to run once again. “This is beyond unfair!”

After running for another minute and hearing that the bear was still not following me I calmed down and waited. I stretched my wins again, cursed at the pain, then ate one of the rolls that the crazy mare had given me. A crunch of snow sent my heart racing again and I ran just as the bear ambled around the corner. He was in no hurry to catch me. He knew I couldn’t escape.

This carried on for nearly an hour. I would stop to catch my breath and the bear would appear behind me, or even to my front and I would have to flee once again. But every time I would stop though I would notice things. The canyon that I was trapped in had smooth walls and appeared to have been built long ago by some civilisation. This gave me hope, if someone had built this then they must have made an exit.

But as I continued on my run around around the circle I could find nothing on the walls that looked even remotely like an exit. The only hole in the otherwise flat sides was the bear’s den and I had no urge to go back inside there. Not to mention I hadn’t seen any exit in there earlier.

I had sat down against the wall exhausted and returning to hopelessness when I heard again the sound of crunching snow.
“Quit playing around and eat me already.” I was done, that damn bear had won.

“I have no urge to eat you,” a females voice chimed like a bell. “I just came down to see what Blizzard was chasing.”

I looked up and was happy yet shocked to see a, well, something staring at me curiously. It was a mix between a deer and a pony. It had long and thin legs and antlers like a deer yet the body, head and hooves were like a pony. It was a few inches shorter than a pony as well.

She continued to watch me then chuckled. “What are you?”

“I’m a hum- a pony.” Still wasn’t used to referring to myself as anything but a human. “What the heck are you?”

“I’m an equestalope, of course.” She chuckled again. “I never heard of a pony. What are they? What do they do?”

“They are, well...” It was like talking to a child. “They are, they are what I am. I don’t know how to explain it. I haven't been a pony for very long?”

“Hmm,” she looked me over for a little longer. “I wonder if my brothers can make anything of you. Come now, follow me.”

We walked to the entrance of the bear’s den and the beast lumbered out to greet us. The equestalope spoke a few indiscernible words and the bear let us pass. The creature glared down at me hungrily as we walked by but it made no move. The far wall opened revealing a twisting stairway. Two more equestalopes were coming down the steps to greet us.

They spoke to each other in some strange language and occasionally looked at me. They soon said some final words and we headed up the stairs.

“If you don’t know what a pony is then how do you know their language?” I asked.

“I read your mind,” she giggled.

The other two equestalopes laughed as well.

“Don’t read my mind,” I shot. “There’s stuff in there that I don’t want people to know about!”

They laughed and the female spoke. “We cannot see everything in your mind. Just things on the surface. Like language and if you are of a twisted mind. Be assured though, secrets and your past are hidden unless you allow us to see them.”
Their laughter though was addictive and I found myself joining in. Why? I have not the slightest idea. But these creatures reminded me of the elves in J.R.R. Tolkiens books: happy and carefree. I would have to introduce Valiant to these guys. Perhaps they could make him lighten up and enjoy life without alcohol.

It turns out that the canyon acted like a moat around an ancient castle. How I missed the castle before I fell into the canyon is a mistery to me. Perhaps it was snow in my eyes or magic. The stairs led out of the bear’s den and directly up to the front gates. I looked up at the multiple crooked towers and dark windows. The place looked evil and deserted.

“You guys live here?” I suddenly didn’t feel so eager to follow these guys.

“Shell of cold, dark and fear,” the three equestalopes sang to the door. “Open and reveal your warm heart!”

“Wha-”

The sound of a great lock unwinding cut me off and the doors swung open revealing a dazzling sight. A grand hall brightly lit by torches and a roaring fire met my eyes, nearly blinding me. Bright colors and tapestries adorned the walls while plants stretched their branches or vines across the pillars. Two spiraling stairs adorned with gold climbed up and into hidden reaches of the castle.

“Holy shit!” My mouth hung open in wonder. It really was like walking into a chapter straight out of the Silmarillion!

“I believe our guest enjoys our city?” the first eqestalope chuckled to the others.

I nodded. “This place is amazing!”

More of the castle’s inhabitants were now coming out of side rooms and down the stairs. They talked amongst themselves and watched me with the same wonder that I was showing towards their home. The female equestalop leaped lightly onto a nearby table and stood above the others who were crowding around her.

“My friends and family!” she exclaimed in her musical voice. “Today is a glorious day!

‘Wow, they take guest seriously!’ I thought to myself.

“As foretold by the prophesy one-thousand years ago,” she continued. “A king has come through the frozen wastes to sit once again upon the Ivy Throne!”

There was a great cheer from the crowd and many broke out into song I nodded slowly, taking time to fully understand what she had said. Then my eyes went wide.

“Wait, me!” I exclaimed. The female equestalope bounded back to me. “I’m the king?”

She broke out into a full laugh. “If you so wish to be, my lord. The prophecy stated that a lone being would rise from the frozen wastes and take the Ivy Throne! You must be the king from the prophecy!”

A true adventurer would have had some grand and noble remark about being told that he was going to be a king. But alas, I am no true adventurer and all that came out of my mouth was a few indiscernible squeaks and the words, “Are you shitting me!”

All I got was laughs and more singing.

King for a Day, Maybe More

Okay, so imagine this predicament. The Queen of England comes up to you and wants you to be the next king. She wants to leave England and spend the rest of her days in the Bahamas or something, and she doesn’t trust her kids to take over because they have turned out to be ass hats. Not a true opinion of the royal family, I need to say. This analogy is just hypothetical.

Now this is the catch. If you say yes you have to live the rest of your life in Buckingham Palace and never leave because the inhabitants of the palace think that the whole world is a frozen wasteland (or in the English case, run by Americans and the Irish) and if you left they would become lost. If you say no, you leave them and they become lost and afraid without you nonetheless.
That is mostly how it was with the equestalopes. Their king was moments away from death and had no heirs. I arrived just in time to save them from an age of darkness and terror.

Yay me!

They at least gave me time to think about it and I wandered the warm halls of the castle, enjoyed the happy company of the eqestalopes, and was fed eight meals a day. It was three days before coming up with an idea. It was just in time too, for the old king kicked the bucket the very next day.

I was walking out of the tower that served as my bedroom and was met by a large crowd of equestalopes with Gold Bough at their head. Gold Bough was the name of the first equestalpe that I had met and she was the one that actually spoke to me. The others just laughed playfully in their bubbly language.

“The King is dead, lord,” she said sadly. “Have you come to a decision?”

“Uh-yes.” I had hoped to have breakfast that morning before making decisions. “But I have some final questions to ask you before finalizing it. Okay?”

I sat at the head of the table eating uncomfortably. They had prepared a the best meal for me yet and I could tell they were trying one last attempt to win me over. I would have enjoyed it better if the entire population of the castle hadn’t circled around me with expectant eyes.

When I had eaten my fill I sat back and looked at them. “First question.”

“Yes?” Gold Bough chimed before I could continue.

“If I become king, would my say have complete power or will it be up for discussion?”

She tilted her head in slight confusion. “Of course, lord. Why would there be a need to dispute your demands?”

“There is none,” I quickly added. “Alright, next question. Would there be any action as king that would get me imprisoned or executed?”

“Again, my lord, there is no reason to challenge your decisions and actions. We would follow you until the sun sets forever.” She said this firmly but I could tell that my questions were starting to make her uneasy.

“Good-good.” I took a sip of water. “In that case, yes. I have decided that I will be king.”

I swear I almost lost my hearing with all of the laughter and cheering that filled the hall. Without hesitation I was whisked away, garbed in dazzling robes and a gold crown shaped like vines was placed on my head. I sat down on the throne and looked over my new people.

“What is the King’s first decree!” Gold Bough exclaimed.

I opened my mouth to enact my plan but decided against it. I was going to enjoy this place and it’s inhabitants a little longer.

“My first decree as king is!” I looked over their excited faces. “That there should be a three day long celebration!”

I hadn’t even taken a breath after speaking when the grandest party I had ever seen erupted throughout the castle.

I find it funny that the only individual that I talked to regularly had been trying to kill me only days before. The bear, Blizzard, or Mr. Fluffy, sat against the wall as I paced back and forth in front of him. He eyed me with a sense of understanding as I debated my decisions to him.

“This place is wonderful,” I was saying. “But I can’t stay here. I’m on a mission and I have to get back to Rainbow Dash. I already told you about her, Fluffy. But as I was saying. I can’t abandon these guys to some leaderless fate! So I must convince them that the entire world isn’t a frozen wasteland.”

I went silent and thought to myself before continuing. “This place is like a prison, now that I think about it. There is no escape from this place unless you have wings. Did their ancestors trap themselves here or did they get put here by somebody else?”

I looked over the the bear who gave me a confused growl.

“My thoughts exactly.” I sat down on a rock and thought some more.

After a while I returned to the castle. It was the last day of the celebration and most of the eqestalopes had been too caught up in the merriment that they didn’t even notice that I had left. The only one that did was Gold Bough. That girl tried to follow me everywhere.

“There you are, my king,” she sang as I wandered back into the hall.

“Hi.” I helped myself to a cup of wine. “Gather the others. I have something important to say.”

She bowed and then danced away. I sat down heavily on the throne and waited for the equestalopes to gather around me. Taking one last gulp of wine I then began to speak.

“There is something very important that I need to tell you.” I had rehearsed this speech in my head many times. “You have lived your whole lives believing that the world is nothing but a frozen wasteland and that this castle is the last warm place in the whole world. I must tell you that this is not true.”

There was a loud murmur and I held up my hoof for silence. Damn, I was a natural at this king thing!

“To the south there are lands that are warm and growing with forests and meadows. I feel it is my duty as your king to lead you to a better land where you can live free of these walls.”

They just stared at me, slowly processing this information. Suddenly I heard Gold Bough’s voice cut loudly through the silencer.

“To the southern lands! We follow the King!”

Then there was another day of celebration. Pinkie Pie would love these guys.

There isn’t much to say after that. A bridge was built over the canyon and Blizzard was let out and he followed like a guard dog. We trecked through the snow until the climate got warmer. All in all it took only five days to reach Equestria and two more days to finds some abandoned woods to establish the new equestalope kingdom. I hoped that none of the princesses frowned on me carving up a twenty mile section of forest to be their new home.

“Our new home is wonderful!” Gold Bough sang as she danced around the trees. “In a few years, and with a little help from our magic, this forest will become the most magnificent place in the world!”

“No doubt about that,” I replied.

“And with you as our king there is nothing that can hold us back!” She stared at me with eyes overflowing with admiration.

“And that, sadly, is where you are wrong.” I removed the crown from my head and looked it over absentmindedly.

“What do you mean, my king?” The confusion in her voice was painful.

I tried my best to sound kingly as I spoke. I'm sure I sounded lik any normal idiot of course. “I was only destined to be your king for a short time. You, on the other hand-hoof, have the blood of a leader in you.”

I set the crown on her head and the other equestalopes stopped to watch. Her mouth hung open in shock.

“I hereby make you queen of the equestalopes!”

No sooner had I said that when three more days of continuous celebration broke out.

I was sad to leave them. The equestalopes waved at me from the trees as I walked away. There was only one road and it skirted the edge of the forest and although my wings were healed I still didn’t feel like flying. I looked back one last time at my new friends, waved farewell, then continued on across a wide meadow. I was welcome back there but didn’t know If I was ever going to be able to return again.

I approached another woods and was saying happily to myself, “This adventure is finally taking a turn for the better!”

I just had to open my fat mouth! No sooner had I said that when an assortment of a dozen creatures emerged out of the woods and encircled me. A minotaur stepped up behind and lifted me by the tail.

I screamed a few curses and insults at him before being punched into unconsciousness.

‘Oh good,’ I thought sarcastically as my mind slipped into the dreamless dark. ‘Everything is back to normal.’

Old Friends

“Ah lad, It’s good to see that ye be wakin’ up.”

The familiar voice pulled me from my dreams and I was met by the smiling face of Squibles. I was tied to a tree and a campfire roared behind the Gryphon.

“Hey Squibles,” I replied. “You’re not mad still? Are you?

“Nah, Harper, me boy. You did save our lives.” He pulled up a crate and sat down on it next to me. “But the Captain is still sore ‘bout the whole shenanigan.”

“Cannonball is here?”

“Been standing next to you the whole time,” the minotaur’s voice cut in.

I looked to my left and saw him looming over me.

I smiled. “Hey Cannonball, did I ever tell you how sorry I was for everything?”

“No, you didn,’t.” He walked over until he was directly in front of me. “But I accept your apology.”

“Soo.. we cool?”

He leaned over and looked me in the eye. “No.”

Cannonball slammed his fist against the side of my head and everything went hazy. A dousing of cold water brought me back from the brink of unconsciousness.

“That was just to make me feel a little better for the loss of my ship,” Cannonball spat. “I’ll think of a real punishment for you soon enough.”

“Dude!” I gasped. “Learn to forgive and forget! By the way, accepting an apology means that you forgive them!”

He leaned over me. “I accept it, I am going to stick your apology in my pocket and use it to wipe my ass later.”

My mouth hung open, primarily due to the badass response he had given me. If I was ever going to get out of this I had to use that sometime. Preferably to Valiant.

Wait. That bastard never apologizes for anything, so never mind.

“Want somethin’ to eat, me lad?” Squibles held up a some grass.

Grass was not on my list of foods I was willing to eat. But behind him, roasting over a fire with other creatures picking it clean, was a half eaten animal of some sorts. I didn’t know what it was but it smelled good!

“What cha cooking?” I asked.

Squibles looked back. “It’s not a pony, if that’s what ye is worried ‘bout.”

“I was kind of worried about that,” I replied. “But what I really want to know is, can I have a piece? I haven't had meat for ages and since there are no ponies here I don’t have to worry about them freaking out.”

“You eat meat?”

I nodded. “I use to, long ago. Back when I wasn’t a pony.”

“Ya weren't always a pony?” Squibles didn’t seem to believe me.

“Long story.” My stomach grumbled. “So can I have a piece?”

He looked at me critically for a moment before nodding his head. He grabbed a knife and retrieved a slice of meat.

“Just toss it in my mouth.”

He shrugged and complied. The meat was overcooked and slightly hard to chew with my herbivore teeth but the flavor itself brought back so many memories of human life. I chewed for a good three minutes before Squibles said anything.

“I can’t believe you actually enjoy the taste of meat. Very strange for a pony.” He quickly retrieved another piece. “I guess you weren't lying.”

My smile widened. “I try not to lie unless I need to.”

“Like ya lying ‘bout yer special talent being findin’’ treasure?”

“Exactly like that,” I retorted. “Though, it’s far from the truth. I’ve been searching for a magical can this entire time but with no luck.

“Magic can?”

I couldn’t help but chuckle. “Yeah. It brought me here to this world and I need it for... I need it for reasons.”

Squibles fell silent and thought to himself. “This can brought ye to a specific point in the world, right, lad?”

“Yeah,” I replied, slightly confused as to what he was trying to point out.

“And ye have been searching the world seeking to find it?” He continued.

“Been trying to search the world but things keep getting in my way.”

He nodded. “Have you looked where you entered the world at?”

My mouth dropped open. I couldn't believe how stupid I was.

“Logically, I say, the can should be where ye last had it.” He smiled at me.

If I wasn’t tied up I would have slapped my face with my hoof several times in a row. If Squibles was right, the can wasn’t somewhere lost in the world. It was at the bottom of a lake in Ponyville.

“Sometimes I question my own intelligence,” I growled. “Now this pointless adventure of mine had gotten me into so much trouble. Look at me now! Tied up and waiting to be killed by a unforgiving minotaur.”

All Squibles did was shrug. I sighed and looked up at the stars. It was a nice night at least. My mind started to fall into thought and a last ditch idea started to form.

“Squibles? Do you actually enjoy being a pirate?”

He nodded his head. “I loved nothin’ more than bein’ a pirate. But what I be now is not a pirate. We be nothin’ more than bandits on the run and I have no love for this life.”

“Do you want to be a pirate once again?”

“Oh, no.” He chuckled wholeheartedly. “I‘ve gotten too old for that life. I needed to retire long ago.”

“Well,” I began. I was weighing so much on this chance. “If you help me get free I will see to it that you can live a peaceful life in Ponyville.”

He smiled. “That is a temptin’ proposition, me boy. But one does not simply betray a friendship with Cannonball. You may have saved my life once but he has many times over.”

“Damn.”

“Get some rest, lad. Tomorrow is going to be a hard day.” he turned and walked away.

The morning horizon was just then growing lighter when the uneasy voices of Cannonball, Squibles and the other bandis woke me.

“What’s going on?” I asked.

“Shut it!” one of them hissed. The fire had been put out save for a few glowing embers so I couldn't see who had said it.

“Do you see anything?” another bandit whimpered.

“No,” Cannonball answered. “But I can hear them circling us. “

“Who’s circling us?” I asked again.

“Shut up!” Cannonball growled this time.

“I saw eyes!” the previous bandit yelped.

“Are they wolves?” I really wanted to know what was going on.

“Harper, me lad, please be quiet.” Squibles was the one who told me to shut up now.

That time I complied and resigned myself to listening. Something was indeed moving around in the foliage surrounding the campsite. Suddenly my ropes were cut. I had to quickly stop myself from falling over. The bandits didn’t seem to notice.

There was a terrifying howl from directly behind me. My hair stood on end as all hell broke loose barely visible in the growing light a dozen silhouette rushed out of the woods. Without a single bit of hesitation I leaped into the sky but stopped myself. I quickly looked around for Squibles and saw him with Cannonball against a tree and surrounded by five of the wolf like creatures.

I dropped down into the tree and stood on the thick limb hanging over them.

“Hey,” I called to them as I lowered the only part of me that could reach, my tail. “Climb up!”

When I look back on this event I regret using my tail. It’s like having your hair pulled yet it is on your ass. But with little effort and much pain I got Squibles up into the tree. I didn’t understand why he didn’t just fly up but I didn't question it at the time. Cannonball was next but before he could take my tail he was jumped by the five creatures. I didn’t really like him and he was an asshole but I don’t think he deserved to be torn apart like that.

Eventually everything became quiet and the wolf creatures stood at the base of out tree, looking at us. But as the sun raised and the light fell on them they no longer looked like horned wolves but now became, to me great surprise, more than a dozen equestalopes with their new Queen, Gold Bough. They smiled at me innocently but their blood covered bodies made me think anything but innocence. The bones of the bandits and Cannonball littered the clearing. I was happy that they were my friends.

“It didn’t take you long, my lord, to find trouble,” Gold Bough laughed. “And we apologise for scaring you. But when we discovered that you were in peril our anger helped us discover a long lost power of ours. So we came to your rescue in our forgotten formes! For that we thank you again, lord! Now we know nothing can stand in our way!”

“Tha-thats great,” I squeaked. “So-so happy for-for you guys.”

They bowed to me and disappeared into the woods. For some reason I had a feeling that I had royally fucked things up.

Author's Note

Sorry guys, but I was going to publish two chapters but I've been busy with work. Only one chapter this round. :(

The Beginning of a Bad Decision

Foreword: This is of course a continuation of Guinness and his adventures after the story Science, Steam and Beer and is a member story of totallynotabrony's Dream Series. I would read those if you don't want to be confused with references but it is not necessary. This story seems like it is moving fast and I did it on purpose for reasons in my own mind. Enjoy!

The Minty Freshness- Altoid

The moment I decided to fly off on an adventure, I was not thinking about the best way to retrieve the item I was searching for. My only thought, come to think of it, was trying to impress Rainbow Dash. But that is besides the point. I now found myself flying over some god forsaken ocean that stretched into the horizon and I had no idea how to swim in the shape of a pony. I was very much regretting the whole facade and struggling against the weakness in my wings when a speck appeared on the horizon. Borrowing a technique from another human-stuck-in-pony-form, I dove at it without any precautions as to what it could be. And just like Valiant, I regretted that decision to the fullest.

It turned out to be a ship. But the good attributes ended there. As my hooves touched down on its deck I quickly realised it belonged to a certain griffon who held the full job title of “Professional Requisitioner by Force of Ships, Goods, and Creatures”. In short, he was a pirate.

You know those encounters with somebody and no words are said, but by their actions and expressions no words need to be exchanged? Yeah, it was one of those moments. The only word said to me was “Pony” in a surprised-excited tone before they grabbed and threw me into the brig. At that point I was really regretting the whole adventure thing. I was getting angry at everything and everyone that had influence on me deciding this was a good idea. I was mad at the ponies, their little colorful existence that I was now part of, somehow seemed to gush adventures. I had already been through two awful adventures, not including my relationship with Rainbow Dash, that I found myself in barely days after I arrived in this place. The first one being of course the quest to close the gates of Tartarus after the idiots Valiant and Nova wounded Cerberus with a cannon full of apples and steam powered robots.

As for Valiant and Nova themselves? When I got back, I was going to kill them both! Though Nova, that bag o’ crap, was on his own adventure so he would have to wait my vengance. But Valiant...

The sound of steps approaching the cell tore me from my thoughts. I composed myself for the rigorous interrogation that I believed was to come. I was wrong.

“Hello!” exclaimed a heavyset minotaur in a feather topped hat. “Let me apologise for my crew. They thought you were trying to steal our booty and didn’t realise that you just wanted to join the crew. Am I right?”

I processed this only momentarily before bringing myself to the obvious answer. “Yes! It’s my dream to join your crew Captain, ever since I was a little lad!”

‘Don’t lay it on too thick you idiot!’ I mentally hissed at myself.

The captain didn’t seem to notice my overzealous response. In fact, I think he actually enjoyed it.

“That’s wonderful lad!” He slapped me painfully on the back. “I could use your excitement on my ship. What be your name eh?”

“Uh, call me Guinness.”

“Ginus? To hard to pronounce. I’ll call you Harper cuz of the harp on your flank. Speakin’ of that, you ponies have special talents that your mark things symbolise. What is yours?”

I thought for a moment of an answer that would put me immediately in high standings with the captain. “I’m very good at finding treasure.”

The captain looked at me, puzzled. “How does a harp symbolise that?”

“The harp is gold.” I quickly answered. “That means I’m good at finding things made out of gold.”

“Well I’ll be! This must be my lucky day! I’m more than happy to have you on my ship Harper! You can call me Captain Cannonball!”

“It is an honor to meet you captain!” I stuck out my hoof for him to shake and he stared at it. I tilted my head, Puzzled. “What’s wrong sir?”

He turned and walked away without another word. A griffin crewmember shuffled up to me and he seemed to have noticed the Captains reaction.

“The good old Cap’ don’t like touchin’ formal things,” the griffin said.

“Formal things?”

“Hand-er-hoofshakes, amongst other things, but especially hand or claw or hoofshakes. By the way, name’s Squibles.”

“Why do they call you Squibles?” I was starting to realise that this ship was just another insane place on this crazy world.

“It’s the sound I make when I sleep.”

“Oh...kay.” I stood and started to walk out of the brig. “It’s nice to meet you Squibles.”

Staying on a pirate ship sounds like hard work. You need to deal with all of the ropes and sails, remember Port from Starboard and most of all, you need to stay out of the other pirates’ way. That is if you aren't me.

My only job was telling the good old Captain Cannonball the best location for us to find, in his words, the best booty. It was tempting to point to my own posterior, but I was saving that for Rainbow. Plus, I still didn’t know how much of a sense of humor Cannonball had and I didn’t want to find out what keelhauling was like.

Still, I couldn’t complain. My life was better without those two idiot human-ponies around. I hate my species sometimes. Seriously, why did I have to be stuck with them? There are seven-billion other humans in the world that could have been transported to Equestria with me.

Though I did trade them for a boatload of testosterone filled morons who try to kill each other at the slightest ill look. That is why I stayed below and drank rum all day. There was no shortage of that.

After being on board the good ship, hell, I hadn't even bothered to find out the tub’s damn name. Well, after a week of sitting around being drunk 24/7 I decided to request a port day from Cannonball. From what I had learned, the pirates had been at sea for a very long time.

“So, Cap’,” I said pleasantly. “I think we should make port. Restock on supplies... rum. Maybe even do some plundering. What do you think boss?”

He looked up at me from a map he was absentmindedly reading. “I think it is high time we put your talent ta use, pony. Where would be a port full of loot and supplies?”

He pushed the map towards me and smiled. I could tell this was a test to see if I actually did have a skill that allowed me to find the best possible way to find ‘booty’. I looked at the ports and towns dotting the coastlines and tried to remember everything I knew about naval tactics and raiding. Any signs of guarding forts, shoals and strategic placing of enemy warships were an instantly not an option. After a few minutes I made a list of ports that I liked, crossed referenced them with a map of land routes that led to them and what kind of resources I guessed would be available around those towns.

After thirty minutes I pointed to a town called Port Freeforall. “There!”

Cannonball looked at the settlement and nodded. “Seems like a good place to raid. Alright, lets go give the pilot a heading.”

I smiled widely as I followed the captain to the upper deck and looked at the distant horizon. I was getting so excited about my success in becoming an adviser to a pirate I had almost forgotten about my original quest.

“Hey, Captain,” I asked. “Where would a good place be to look for, lets say, a rare and never before seen artifact be?”

“Oh, uh.” He pulled another map from a pack on his side and pointed at a town. “That would be the local museum in the village of Delcay. The owner has loads of interesting stuff though none of it will fetch a good price if you are looking’ to raiding it.”

“I don’t want to raid it,” I quickly informed him. “I just like museums.”

“Okay then, we'll head there after we hit the port.”

I nodded in agreement and prepared myself for an exciting adventure.